Recipe for a Successful & Healthy Relationship…

2015-01-23T14:29:00.004-08:00

Coming back soon again...after a bit of a break.

So stay tuned for more!

Conflict Resolution (Part 2) - Are you fighting to win or restore love?

2011-10-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

I often hear from people that being in a relationship is actually quite different than writing about one. I agree. Theoretically knowing the mechanics doesn’t always translate into having an easy breezy, sound, healthy, happy experience. I believe that success, like everything in life, comes with hard work, dedication, and focus on the end goal. In most of our life endeavors we do not expect to be successful upon the first try. This means that success in any context comes from learning and growing from our trials and errors, and relationships are no exception.

Do you ever feel that your relationship has reached a blah state due to conflicts and there is nothing to look forward to anymore other than a mundane everyday routine? Why is it that most marriages or long term relationships reach this level of stagnancy and people get complaisant? How do you kick it up a notch? Well, I think there are a number of factors that cause everyday relationships to get to this point. I believe one of the biggest factors is the mentality or attitude that one has towards life. Are you the kind of person that expects more out of yourself or are you happy with where you are in life? For example are you the person who just wishes for things in life to happen and has a bucket list (some things that you always wanted to do) and waits for a lightning bolt to hit one day to motivate you into action? Or are you the type of person who goes out and makes life happen? Well I apologize for being the bearer of harsh news that the lightning bulb shall never…shall I repeat… never hit! But there is good news now that you know there is still some hope. If you really want something badly you can make it happen! I know...I wish I had an easier option for you but life isn’t easy. So of course it takes some work but there is hope! If you find yourself stuck in a relationship where you have dug yourself deep or your partner is emotionally unavailable to you, I believe there is still hope if both of you are willing to work on your relationship to turn it back into a spicy experience.

Upon reflecting on the last entry….I was thinking of how words can be so powerful in making love happen, but more so than words, actions can speak louder. Do you continue to occasionally say kind, appreciative words to your partner like you used to when you first met? Your action does not necessarily have to involve materialistic things or activities but something as simple as an act of kindness and care. Is their life impacted or influenced because of your presence in it? Do you inspire and motivate them to be a better version of themselves? Or do you condemn and nag them to be the version of themselves you want them to be? Do you expect the same out of yourself that you expect out of them?

The article below caught my attention because the writer talks about some of the skills I have seen to be effective with most couples whose relationships I absolutely adore and admire. As we all know, conflicts are a part of life in any relationship. But in your intimate relationship, do you leave your partner and your relationship in a better place after your conflict or do you see your relationship go 10 step backwards due to your conflict resolution skills or lack there of? Read and comment away!

Conflict Resolution Skills for Healthy Relationships
The Key To Less Relationship Stress? Effective Conflict Resolution Skills!
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., Updated September 22, 2011

With most conflicts, it’s important to find a resolution. This seems like a statement of the obvious, but many people suppress their anger or just ‘go along to get along.' They think that by addressing a conflict, they are creating one, and simply keep quiet when upset. Unfortunately, this isn’t a healthy long-term strategy. For one thing, unresolved conflict can lead to resentment and additional unresolved conflict in the relationship. Even more important, ongoing conflict can actually have a negative impact on your health and longevity.

Unfortunately, resolving conflict can be tricky as well. Handled improperly, attempts at conflict resolution can actually make the conflict worse. For example, researcher John Gottman and his colleagues studied the way couples fight, and can actually predict which couples will go on to divorce by observing their conflict resolution skills -- or lack thereof. (Hint: If you’re constantly criticizing your partner’s character or shutting down during arguments rather than working through conflict in a proactive, respectful way, watch out.)

For those who weren’t born into a family where perfect conflict resolution skills were modeled on a daily basis (and—let’s face it—how many of us were?), here are some guidelines to make conflict resolution more simple and less stressful.

Get In Touch With Your Feelings

An important component of conflict resolution involves only you -- knowing how you feel and why you feel that way. I apologize if I sound a bit abrasive in saying this but I have found in my experiences that most people are not emotionally intelligent enough to be aware of how they feel and why they feel the way do. My experience suggests that statement to be especially true for males. (Self actualization is a process and not everyone attains it nor does it come easily). Not to challenge your egos guys, as I am not contending that guys do not feel things, but my observations suggest that men are often aware of their feelings but just do not know what to do with them or are against expressing their ‘feelings’ to preserve their masculinity . So they tend to keep their emotions inside rather than verbally express them. The easiest approach is to watch sports, and hope that their partner will forget, just as they are trying to. Unfortunately under most circumstances these issues resurface since they were left unresolved. Let’s face it that most relationships these days are headed towards divorce or experience lack of spiciness. It may seem your feelings should already be obvious to you, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes we feel angry or resentful, but don’t know why. Other times, we feel that the other person isn’t doing what they ‘should,’ but we aren’t aware of exactly what we want from them, or if it’s even reasonable. Journaling can be an effective way to get in touch with our own feelings, thoughts and expectations so we are better able to communicate them to the other person.

Hone Your Listening Skills

When it comes to effective conflict resolution, how effectively we listen is at least as important as how effectively we express ourselves. I believe that a big part of effective communication is not just being able to express oneself. Listening to your partner and in return knowing that they understood what you were trying to communicate, and not just having a skewed perception, are essential. It’s vital to understand the other person’s perspective, rather than just our own, if we are to come to a resolution. In fact, just helping the other person feel heard and understood can sometimes go a long way toward the resolution of a conflict. Good listening also helps for you to be able to bridge the gap between the two of you, understand where the disconnect lies, etc. Unfortunately, active listening is a skill that not everybody knows, and it’s common for people to think they’re listening, while in their heads they’re actually formulating their next response, thinking to themselves how wrong the other person is, or doing things other than trying to understand the other person’s perspective. It’s also common to be so defensive and entrenched in your own perspective that you literally can’t hear the other person’s point of view.

Practice Assertive Communication

Communicating your feelings and needs clearly is also an important aspect of conflict resolution. As you probably know, saying the wrong thing can be like throwing fuel on a fire, and make a conflict worse. The important thing to remember is to say what’s on your mind in a way that is clear and assertive, without being aggressive or putting the other person on the defensive. One effective conflict resolution strategy is to put things in terms of how you feel rather than what you think the other person is doing wrong, using ‘I feel’ statements.

One of the tools I learned in graduate school and which I often use with people because I find it effective is the: “When you (action that didn’t sit well with you) I feel (state the emotion that arises for you)….because (your reasons why you felt that emotion)”. Now I know this takes a lot of work and some practice (remember the old habit rule: it takes 21 days to make or break a habit). We are generally are used to the good ‘ol method of condemning our partners or blaming them for our emotions instead of taking responsibility for our actions that lead to the conflict in the first place. I strongly believe that a conflict is caused between two people and by two people, so no one person is to be blamed for everything. Usually during conflicts one lights the fire while the other fuels it by forgetting the effective communication methods because the conflict becomes about ego.

A conflict between a couple may go like this... Scenario: A husband comes home late from work and has forgotten or (hasn’t had time) to inform his wife of his tardiness and she goes off at him when he enters the door because he is late to her nicely prepared extravagant meal for the two. Now normally the reaction to this scenario would go something like this: she would be pissed by the time he comes home without trying to find out the reasons for his tardiness. So she would ask something like “why are you late, I told you I was going to cook didn’t you think of letting me know,” now this only adds fuel to the fire and you can only imagine it going down hill from there. Realistically we have all been here at some point in our lives when we are angered. With YOU STATEMENTS the other person is definitively put on the defensive in order to protect themselves of the blame and condemnation. As a result they lose the ability to hear the other person out and care about their perspective. But if the same scenario is dealt with by the wife saying: Husband when you (don’t inform me or are late for something that meant a lot to me) I feel (hurt and disappointed) because (I feel that things that matter to me are not a priority to you. Even if you were busy I would have liked a call or a text so I wasn’t waiting and worried). How do you think the spouse is going to react to that as opposed to the YOU…blaming statements towards them? Now I know this takes A LOT OF WORK AND TRAINING AND PRACTICE rather than to follow the good ‘ol tactic and just blame the other person because we are hurt, but imagine the difference it makes in resolving your conflict with your significant other.

Seek a Solution

Once you understand the other person’s perspective, and they understand yours, it’s time to find a resolution to the conflict -- a solution you both can live with. Sometimes a simple and obvious answer comes up once both parties understand the other person’s perspective. In cases where the conflict was based on a misunderstanding or a lack of insight to the other’s point of view, a simple apology can work wonders (when in a conflict people don’t tend to like apologizing but remember your reasons for being in a realtionship with your partner – some people are in relationships for the wrong reasons which causes conflicts to be unresolved or leads to an unhealthy quality of relationship. I believe it takes a lot of strength and courage to apologize for their actions and to not repeat them again), and an open discussion can bring people closer together. Other times, there is a little more work required. In cases where there’s a conflict about an issue and both people don’t agree, you have a few options: Sometimes you can agree to disagree, other times you can find a compromise or middle ground, and in other cases the person who feels more strongly about an issue may get their way, with the understanding that they will concede the next time. The important thing is to come to a place of understanding, and try to work things out in a way that’s respectful to all involved.

Are you fighting to win or are you fighting to solve a problem so its chances of coming up again between the two of you are decreased? Or is it about your ego and you are fighting to win? Do you remember the common goal of your relationship on the day you decided to commit to each other? Are you fighting/arguing/discussing to have a healthy stable quality of relationship or are you in a conflict just to be in one to prove a point or be seen as “right”?

Conflict Resolution (Part I) - Do you fight to win or Restore Love?

2011-07-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

Just as connection and chemistry are an integral part of any relationship, it’s inevitable that conflicts are as well – it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to point that one out. I guess my experiences and conversations with people, as well as having had the pleasure of being surrounded by some of the most amazing and compatible couples has provided me with credibility of asserting that conflicts are a part of life but are not insurmountable. Some of you may be expecting more than mediocrity out of your relationships, and others may be looking to weatherproof their relationships while in the midst of a storm. After the last entry on love I thought that this entry is relevant to increasing awareness, and shedding light for those who could use a little insight. Has your love evolved for the better after a conflict or is it adding to your dissatisfaction?

I feel that conflicts are inevitable because for those of you who have been in significant long term relationships, are aware that conflicts come as a part of the package deal. It’s like the friction that starts to occur ones the honeymoon - impress each other phase starts to wane. I also believe that they are important because they help us learn about one another. Imagine two people who come from two sets of worldviews, with separate value sets, and personality quirks trying to merge into unit while still trying to maintain and embrace their individuality. Do you remember how the simplest things caused the biggest arguments such as: “why is the toilet seat left up”, “why is the toilet paper roll facing backwards”, “did you just check that girl out in front of me”, “why don’t you want to spend more time with me”, “why don’t we have as much sex as we used to”, “why don’t you do chores like you did” etc. etc. And remember how you felt once the conflict was dealt with? For some, those memories are long repressed and they are exhibited at other times in dysfunctional ways, i.e. they never get resolved and the same things keep coming up. While for others, those mistakes are never repeated again. The distinction lies in how those conflicts got resolved!

In the world where sometimes I believe that ‘communication’ seems such an obvious answer to some of these issues I see that the smartest people are unable or unequipped to resolve through some of these

crises. Communication seems like such an important commodity and yet so sparsely used. Yes I am going to be a bit obvious with this and point out some of the factors that occur when people fight/disagree/argue, whichever term one prefers. I also want to make an effort to equip you with tools that might help you through some of your disagreements. I must warn you that the use of these tools is not a cure-all. The most important factor in creating and maintaining a healthy bond is not that the fighting stops, but rather how and what two people are left with once it’s done. Do you fight to resolve and grow or do you fight to win?

I believe that the concept of two bodies merging to be one soul concept only occurs in the movies. The relationships that I have seen be healthy and work long term are the ones that have managed to work through crisis (because as we all know they sure do occur no matter how ‘happily in a relationship’ ones relationship seems to appear). I think the its this ability to work through crises appears to set the distinguishing characteristic, setting the healthy and wholesome relationship apart from the unhealthy junk food equivalent of a relationship.

Kinds of conflict
(Summarized from a book that I absolutely recommend to everyone who wishes to keepin’ it spicy in their relationships: NY BESTSELLER ‘Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ – Dr. Gottman. He writes that in his lifetime he has had an experience of working with so many couples that within the first few minutes of watching them he can tell whether the relationship is headed the spicy gourmet direction or the other way. But I think the insight below could apply to any long term relationships, to me the word Marriage and long term relationship are interchangeable).

The author here talks about how all marital conflicts whether they are little life annoyances that couples deal with or out right wars that people get into. He distinguishes the conflicts by placing them into two different categories, saying some "can be resolved" "and some are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives in some form or the other". He states that unfortunately most conflicts fall into the perpetual category – "69% to be exact." For example: do you remember the last time you disagreed with your partner and you started off arguing about little trivial details and ended up with "I can’t do this anymore!"

He talks about perpetual problems ending up in grid locks that makes solving them more difficult because there are other underlying issues that need to be resolved. Most peoples emotional intelligence or lack their of does not allow them to even think deeper which adds up over time. He mentions that one way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual gridlocked arguments.

Signs of Gridlock:

- The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

- You keep talking about it but make no headway

- You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge (we have all been there

- When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.

- Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.

- You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.

- This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to COMPROMISE.

- Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally!

So to avoid getting to the last stage by rescuing the relationship, so to speak, some of the things he emphasizes include starting off a disagreement softer rather than harsher to still maintain respect for one another, to play fair and not hit below the belt. If this is supposedly the person you are in LOVE with how do you use your emotional intelligence and focus on yourself as supposed to blaming the issues on them. What responsibility do you take for the disagreement, do you compromise or do you keep scores of who won? What method do you have in place to become more tolerant of your partner?

When I read the article below I found it very fascinating because it aligned with my beliefs of optimism and looking at things from the ‘glass half full’ perspective. I believe that relationships like life can be successful depending on ones ability to be solution oriented rather than problem focused! As discussed under "blog review," the purpose of this blog is to create more relationships where partners are not just complaisant. The aim is to expect more out of yourself and your partner while keeping it spicy. So I found this author’s perspective quite intriguing because he addresses some of the issues discussed earlier on this topic– do you fight to fight? I read somewhere that people who tend to follow a 5 positives to every negative rule, have more sustaining and harmonious relationships over time than people who focus on the negatives, which is similar to what the author of the article below suggests.

Restoring Love versus Resolving Conflicts
Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D

Before I discuss with you some of the details of a well-conceived plan to resolve conflicts and restore your love for each other, I will focus attention on the highest priority of such a plan -- restoring love.

I know of no marriage, including my own, that is free of conflict. That's because every couple is made up of two distinctly different people, with different experiences, interests and emotional predispositions. Regardless of the compatibility a couple creates in marriage, a husband and wife will always have somewhat different perspectives, and those differences will create conflict. Conflicts over money, careers, in-laws, sex, child rearing, and a host of other common marital issues are part of the experience of being married.

Some couples feel that if they could only rid themselves of certain conflicts, they would be happy together. But I've discovered that marriages can be terrific in spite of conflicts, even when some of them are never fully resolved. The difference between couples who live in marital bliss and those who regret ever having met each other is not found in whether or not they are free of conflict -- it's found in whether or not they are in love with each other.

From my years of experience trying to save marriages, I have come to the conclusion that the goal of restoring and sustaining love in marriage is much more important than the goal of resolving conflicts. Ultimately, of course, both goals are important, but by making love my highest priority, I found myself rejecting many popular approaches to conflict resolution because they tend to sacrifice a couple's love for each other. The way I now encourage couples to resolve their conflicts is to only use procedures that will also build their love.

Most marriage counselors are so focused on conflict resolution that they forget about building a couple's love for each other. But it's easy to understand why they tend to ignore the feelings of love -- the couples they see usually want help in resolving their conflicts, not restoring their love. It's the couples themselves that usually fail to see the importance of being in love. This just reiterates the point further, that why is it that when we first meet our connection with our partner grows due to the common interests, goals and attraction that we share. We are willing to put in all the hard work and dedication to make love happen if we really end up caring for the person. But as the relationship grows we get into the life happens mentality and forget to put in the work that we did to impress each other in the beginning. And when the loss of love really is the issue, couples rarely believe it can be restored, at least to the level it once was. They think that if their conflicts are resolved, and they are given the freedom to create independent lifestyles, they will be able to survive their marriage. They feel that all marriages eventually lose passion, but when that happens a husband and wife can still remain married if they are "mature" enough.

If you have seen a marriage counselor, and have been disappointed with the results, it's probably because you've spent all of your time trying to resolve your marital conflicts instead of restoring your love for each other. Even if you made progress in resolving some of your conflicts, you still may have been unhappy with your marriage. I receive letters regularly from those who find that they want to divorce in spite of a peaceful relationship. Even when a husband and wife are each other's best friends, they often divorce when the passion is gone. In relationships that I have seen evolve for the better over the years I believe that the couples have developed emotional intelligence over the years and through their conflicts to making an effort to evolving their relationship by revisiting issues that caused the spark in the first place.

That's one of the most confusing aspects of popular approaches to martial therapy, and it should raise a red flag to those who use them. When the goals of conflict resolution are achieved in counseling, why does the couple often divorce anyway? There seems to be something more to marriage than just resolving conflicts successfully. Don't get me wrong, though. I believe that conflict resolution is important in marriage, and I go to a great deal of trouble to help couples resolve their conflicts. But couples who are happily married do more than resolve their conflicts, they also preserve their feeling of love for each other. And without being in love, marriage just doesn't seem right.

When a couple asks me to help them with their marriage, unresolved conflicts usually abound. And they present their marital problems to me as a litany of failures to resolve those conflicts. But as I probe the depth of their despair, conflicts are not usually the greatest source of their hopelessness. One spouse, and sometimes both of them, tell me that it is their lost feeling of love and passion for the other that bothers them the most. They don't believe that feeling will ever return, and without that feeling, they do not want to be married to their spouse. Their greatest feeling of hopelessness is about their lost love, not their inability to resolve conflicts.

That's why I learned early in my experience as a marriage counselor that restoring the feeling of love was far more important than resolving marital conflicts. In order to be completely happy with their marriage, the couple must find the love for each other that they lost. Since the approaches to conflict resolution I was taught actually caused a loss of love, I had to reject most of the training I had received as a marriage counselor, and create an entirely new system, one that would resolve conflicts and restore love at the same time.

The core concept of my new system was the "Love Bank." It helped me show the couples I counseled how their love for each other was created and destroyed. This is how I explained this important concept to these couples:

Each of us has a Love Bank and everyone we know has a separate account. It's the way our emotions keep track of the way people treat us. When treated well by someone, and we associate that person with good feelings, love units are deposited into his or her account in our Love Bank. But when treated badly by that person, love units are withdrawn from the Love Bank. When a person's balance is high, we like that person. But if a person withdraws more love units than he or she deposits, and the balance is in the red, we dislike that person.

The feeling of love is experienced when the Love Bank balance reaches a certain threshold. When enough love units are deposited to break through that threshold (I call it the "romantic love" threshold), we are in love with whoever holds that account in our Love Bank. But when the balance falls below that threshold, the feeling of being "in love" is lost. And when the Love Bank withdrawals exceed deposits enough to break through a certain negative threshold, we hate the person holding that account.

Our emotional reactions to people -- liking and disliking, loving and hating -- are not determined by will, they are determined by Love Bank balances. And Love Bank balances are determined by the way people treat us. Do you treat your partner the way you want to be treated, especially when you disagree? Do you continue to mentally stimulate them to keep the relationship spicy? Do you expect passion out of your relationship? Do you expect your partner to fulfill ALL your needs? Do you give your partner freedom to be themselves?

Once you understand the role of the Love Bank in determining your feelings for each other in marriage, you become aware of the fact that your spouse's feelings for you are determined by how you have been treating your spouse. If you want your spouse to be in love with you, you must deposit enough love units to break through the romantic love threshold. If your spouse wants you to be in love with him or her, your spouse must deposit enough love units into your Love Bank.

Almost everything that you and your spouse do is either depositing or withdrawing love units. Since most of what you do is by habit, repeated again and again, your habits either deposit love units continually, or they withdraw them continually. That's why your habits play such a crucial role in the creation or destruction of your love for each other. I believe that a habit takes 21 days to make or break, your relationship could still have a glimmer of hope to turn around but is that your common goal that you are both willing to put in the work in terms of discipline, self-control and focus that it needs!

So the feeling of love can last a lifetime for a couple if they apply two lessons: 1) avoid withdrawing love units and 2) keep depositing them. It's just that simple. All it takes is maintaining Love Bank balances above the romantic love threshold.

So stay tuned for the follow up on this topic on “what are some tools (I prefer the term as supposed to weapons) that one can use in fair fighting”…till then hoping that you are making love happen (pun intended)!!!!

Disclaimer: I claim to be no expert in relationships, but my views and thoughts are based upon professional and personal experiences, and research so feel free to disagree and share some of your thoughts on this matter via 'comments'

Love - (Liefde - प्यार - 사랑 - Aşk - Սեր - Grá - Láska - Cariño - Αγάπη) Encapsulated!

2011-06-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

Love....such an important ingrediant for a relationship to be successful! What does it mean to you, and what efforts do you make each day with your actions to express it to your partner? Does the meaning of the word "LOVE" stay the same as your relationship matures or does it CHANGE as your realtionship ages like a fine wine?
In my personal experience and observation of people I find that the concept of love whether healthy (loyal, unconditional care and support, without expectations, and trusting) or dysfunctional (emeshed, needy, codependent, selfish) develops very early on in our lives. Children that grow up with healthy parenting or in environments feeling very secured about themselves develop higher self esteem and often tend to be in healthy realtionships themselves. In other words they tend to often bring to the table less insecurities, sparse expressions of jealousy, possessiveness, guilt and other unhealthier emotions. As you read through this blog I encourage you to peek into your relationship and examine your concept of LOVE and how it was formed.

Growing up with different kinds of relationships I especially remember someone wise once said to me, “That love in intimate relationships goes through different phases as you go through LIFE, and that there are different kinds of love”. I never really understood the depth of that statement then but as I found myself in relationships some that were positive and kind, and well some let’s just say were meant to teach a lesson which taught me to appreciate the true meaning of the statement now. By different phases I mean that love when we are 16 is full of lust and mostly hormonal, which is quite different than when we are in our 20's where its more romantic. At that point we tend to care for the person a little beyond just dealing with the conundrum of wanting to have s-e-x for the first time, and wanting to be with them for the rest of our lives at the same time. As we age further through our 30's it becomes more about the passion we find for each other due to the more healthier self concepts that we develop about ourselves through our life experiences which continues into companionship that we learn to enjoy for the rest of our lives. I believe that for most relationships that forms in our 20's and 30's in order to get through the 3 phases of LOVE romance, passion and companionships requires a lot of tolerance, patience and relentless unconditional support! These days in the western world these virtues are hard to fathom and practice, thus resulting in 50% of marriages ending up in Divorces.

THE PROCESS OF LOVE: I read the articles below and found it interesting because I find that when relationships get boring or blah its pertinent to revisit what got us together in the first place?
In a study done by Dr. Helen Fisher her team divides love into three categories involving different brain systems: 1) Lust (the craving for sexual gratification), driven by androgens and estrogens; 2) Attraction (or romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual), driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin; and 3) Attachment (the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner) driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.
Stage 1 of the process of "LOVE": ATTRACTION - a positive response to a person beyond friendship. This can further be broken down into two areas: (a) physical attraction &; (b) emotional attraction.
a. Physical Attraction - happens when your body reacts to another person. Heart rate increases; temperature rises, palms get sweaty; stomach flutters; throat tightens; etc. This is the most superficial of "loves" on one level, but one of the most powerful on another. It represents the first contact. I believe that while physical attraction is crucial in keeping the relationship spicy, people that fall in 'LOVE' based on mere attraction fall out of love just as quickly once that 'magic' disappears.
b. Emotional Attraction - develops next if the circumstances are right. After being drawn to a person physically, you then begin to converse. If you find you have things in common -- hobbies, ideologies, career, education, or some other common ground -- then an emotional attraction starts to form.
Sometimes an emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical attraction does not. And in this case, the bond may even be stronger between the two who connect, since no preconceived notions based on physical appearance has occurred.
At this point after reading this close your eyes and remember the time when you first saw your partner what got you attracted to them at first, when did you start feeling the butterflies, what did you see, smell, and feel when they first called you, on your first date? Do you allow each other your spaces to miss each other when you first got together or are you attached to the hip at all times?
Stage 2. ROMANCE - essentially an act of trying to influence or gain favor of another by lavishing attention or gifts upon them. There are two type of romance: (a) selfish romance; (b) selfless romance.
(a) Selfish Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts solely for the purpose of gaining something for yourself -- like to get gifts, to impress someone else, or even simply for sexual favors whether your partner is interested or not.
(b) Selfless Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts for the enjoyment and pleasure of your partner. You receive your enjoyment and pleasure through their happiness.
Selfish romance (love) will quickly die out. Selfless romance (love) will endure. Because romance is an "act," many couples who have been together a long time take it for granted. With a conscious effort, it can be rekindled.Do you remember the activities you engaged in together, the companionship you shared, the conversations you had. The little acts of kindness and care you showed towards your partner? When did that stop and why? Why do we start taking each other for granted?
Stage 3. PASSION - a desire for another person, which has grown to an intensity that can't be ignored. This is often where an emotional relationship turns into a physical relationship. The passion stage is very important. It's a plateau.
From here, the relationship will fork into two roads, and the couple must decide which path to take. The relationship will either burn itself out or will move onto the next stage.

Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close association with another person of the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, your feelings, your dreams. In true intimacy, there is nothing that you cannot tell this person (though we often hesitate because of our own unfounded fears). Intimacy is not total in one swoop. It is a developing process, which never ends. If you can't establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years.
Stage 5. COMMITMENT - a pledge to remain true to your mate throughout good and bad times. Commitment is easy when times are good. Commitment can be extremely difficult when times are bad. Learn to ride out the bad times.
If you've made it this far, why give up? Listen to each other, be willing to compromise, and remember why you got together in the first place.
Love is work but worth the effort ...
So now that you know the process of 'LOVE', how can you make your relationship lasting 'forever' how do you make love LAST....
(The below perspective is reprinted with permission from "HEAD TO HEART" by Gila Manolson. Published by: Targum Press, Inc.)
Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.
Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.
The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages ("The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts"), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."
What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.
LOVE IS A CHOICE
If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily. I also believe that in healthy relationships our partners push and motivate us to our highest potential and bring out the best qualities in us that always laid dormant within us till that connection.
I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us.
Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.
ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS
Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? I believe actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving -- and that means giving.
While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.
What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.
True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.
OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.
The more you give, the more you love.
Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.
Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.
A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."
Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.
For my single readers: Lust vs. Love
Gauge for Men and Women (A guy's perspective - So Women Read up) -

Matthew Fitzgerald the author of Sex-Ploytation
It's lust if:
You're totally focused on her looks and body
Even before you know her name, you're already fantasizing about what she looks like naked and what it would be like to have sex with her.

You don't care about anything she has to say
It wouldn't make a difference to you if you never had a conversation with her. Furthermore, you don't bother to return her calls promptly and you can easily go for days without talking to her -- until you get horny again.

You only want to be with her to have sex
You make excuses not to spend time with her, except for sex. And if she asks you for a favor, you tell her you're too busy. But if you have to be with her and not have sex, she gets on your nerves and you find yourself fantasizing about other women.

She's your booty call
After you go out trolling for tail with your buddies on Friday night, you then call her at 1 a.m. for some drunken action. Ah, the booty call.

You leave after sex
After having sex with her, you look for the easiest way to leave. No cuddling, no breakfast the next morning, just "I gotta go."
It's love if:
You have great chemistry
You get lost in your conversations, and the hours pass like minutes. You're more than willing to listen to her when she talks about her day. The chemistry between you is remarkable.

You find her beautiful
Even if you catch her with no makeup on and her hair pulled back while she's unclogging a toilet, she still looks beautiful to you.

You want to spend time with her
All you want to do is to be with her, whether you're having sex or not. Even if she tells you that sex will have to wait, you don't care.

You see a future together
You experience the strange feeling that your life would be totally empty without her. You tell your friends and family that she may be The One, and you're even thinking about marrying her.

You introduce her to your family
It becomes very important to you that your parents like her, and that she gets along with everyone close to you.

You include her in all your plans
Whether you're going out with your male friends or taking your dog for a walk, you want her there with you. And if she's not there, you can't get her off your mind and sneak off to give her a quick "I miss you" phone call. Of course, you don't tell your buddies.

You are more romantic
All of a sudden you find yourself listening to cheesy romantic songs and thinking of her. You send her flowers and love notes to work and set up romantic evenings candlelit dinners at home.

You always take her side
If someone says anything even slightly disparaging about her, you immediately rise to her defense. Furthermore, in social gatherings, you always agree with her even if you disagree behind closed doors.

She makes you want to be a better man
She challenges and motivates you. She makes you happy, and you'd do anything to make her happy.

So selflessly and unconditionally just GROW IN LOVE.....

Cheating: What comes first - emotional withdrawal or sex?

2011-05-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

Since the focus of this blog is on successful and healthy unions I tend to like to research on or write about issues that I commonly see in long term relationships or marriages that at times are inescapable. I am particularly interested in writing about them because I believe that every relationship goes through a storm, some wither, some reach a plateau which is most relationships and some overcome these adversities and reaches a next level of intimacy with added efforts.

Why Do People Cheat?

September 16th, 2008 · Health Assist.net

"The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them – sometimes three"
Alexandre Dumas

Most people list being faithful as one of the top essentials in a successful relationship. But the fact is, people cheat. It is estimated that about 44-76% of men and 21-50% of women are cheating their “significant other”.

Probably everyone knows that cheating is wrong. Anytime someone has an affair there’s a danger that it will ruin their marriage or relationship. Even long and happy marriages or relationships. But this doesn’t stop the majority of people.

So why people do this? Why people are willing to conduct themselves in the ways that could be very damaging to them and to their partners?

1 Problems in relationship. Marital or relationship unhappiness

One of the first reasons people stray is that they are not satisfied with the state of their current relationship and are no longer happy at home. This may be caused by:

being in miserable relationships that you can’t get out of
financial problems
lack of commitment to the marriage
dramatic change in priorities
gap in social network

Unhappiness is the root cause of almost all divorces and split ups, let alone affairs. Without joy in a relationship, she or he would look for alternatives to keep themselves happy and they would not stop till they find another one that can make them feel happy, even if it means sleeping with them.

2 Lack of intimacy & Poor communication

This is the primary motivating factor for cheating women.

If the relationship is lacking important things such as emotional intimacy and communication she or he could seek it elsewhere.

3 Sexual dissatisfaction

Several surveys have shown that men and women often complain of the difference in their sex drive and in the sex drive of their partner. If one partner withholds sex, or shows little interest, the other partner may fill that need outside of the relationship.

For most men, sex is the primary motivating factor for cheating on their significant other. Some will cheat if they are not getting enough sex in their relationship. Other men may cheat because they don’t want their girlfriends or wives to perform certain sex acts that would ruin their “good girl” image, so they get a mistress to take care of it.

4 Craving for novelty, variety or something different

This is mostly about men.

Cheaters don’t do it because there’s something missing. They do it because they want to. It’s new, different and exciting. For such men the variety is the enjoyment, like driving a new luxury car after years of riding an old family van. No matter how wonderful their girlfriend or wife is, they will not stop pursuing new interactions with women and new sexual experiences. Nothing will replace the excitement of novelty for those men, and it would be pointless to try to change such a guy.

5 Looking for adventure

Some people are thrill seekers that just can’t pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact of doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.

6 Boredom and dead-level

Cheating often stems from boredom with the relationship. Once the marriage becomes comfortable some people suffer from calm and paced family life. Love-affair hearten, inspire and amuse them.

7 Revenge or payback

Sometimes people cheat because they want revenge on a partner who cheated.

8 Parents’ life style

There is a tendency to recurrence of “family tradition” in behavior of the matured children. If the child saw infidelity of parents, he or she can draw a conclusion, that cheating is quite normal. If both parents were cheating the likelihood their son or daughter will also be unfaithful to spouse comes up to 80%.

9 “Ego boost”: self-affirmation or self-expression

Sometimes people have their own inadequate self ego and there is a need to fulfill that ego with another person outside of the relationship.

Sometimes men don't feel like they are attractive to the opposite sex any more and when a woman shows some interest, not only does a man react, he may allow her to stroke his ego and more.

For some women sex can be an instant pick-me-up; a self-esteem booster that makes them feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved.

10 Long separation and loneliness

There’s the old truth: "What eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t feel". Long separation can become a contributing factor in extramarital affairs. If one half of the couple is alone a great deal of the time he or she may seek comfort elsewhere. There are some spouses that are workaholics and their families may see them less than the office does.

11 Mid-life crisis

People of both sexes may feel the need to be attractive to members of the opposite sex after reaching a certain age. They often desire the attention of a younger person of the opposite sex since it helps to make them feel that they are still attractive and desirable. This desire to appear youthful and sexy can often lead to infidelity.

12 The end of "love story"

Love often seems to have an expiration date. After many years of living together, partners can grow tired of each other.

Most probably, you can name some more reasons why people cheat. But one thing is certain – once that delicate line has been crossed trust is difficult to be regained.

I believe knowledge is power, if you are aware of these above possibilities you can save your relationship from them by making an effort to creating a healthy meaningful union. Here are few ideas on how to keep it spicy as a couple to avoid any of the above:

Improvised list of ideas by (Dr. Berman)

Week 1: Create Couples Time
Week 2: Busy Women and Sex
Week 3: Make a Love List
Week 4: Consider Sex Therapy
Week 5: Admire Other Couples
Week 6: Be a Flirt
Week 7: Look for Love
Week 8: Show Your Love and Appreciation
Week 9: Try Something Daring
Week 10: Get to Know Your Hormones
Week 11: Stop Negative Thoughts
Week 12: Give Unexpected Affection
Week 13: Tone Up Your Sex Life
Week 14: Explore Each Other
Week 15: Banish Negativity
Week 16: Combat Stress Together
Week 17: Review and Regroup
Week 18: Get Tested for STDs
Week 19: Declare a Summer of Romance
Week 20: Show, Don't Tell
Week 21: Tune In to Your Senses
Week 22: Ask for What You Want
Week 23: Connect Emotionally
Week 24: Health Checkup
Week 25: Let Go of Hang-ups
Week 26: Invest in Your Sexiness
Week 27: Try Something New
Week 28: Practice Authentic Communication
Week 29: Create Excitement
Week 30: Make a Date
Week 31: Celebrate Sweetest Day
Week 32: Relationship Detox
Week 33: Unleash Your Inner Vixen
Week 34: Make an Emotional and Physical Connection
Week 34: Public Displays of Affection
Week 35: Sexual Health Checkup
Week 36: Find Satisfaction
Week 37: World AIDS Day
Week 38: Write a Love Letter
Week 39: Give a Special Gift
Week 40: Create Special Dates
Week 41: Sexify Your Bedroom
Week 42: Put Love First
Week 43: Have Fun Together
Week 44: Soul Gazing
Week 45: Celebrate Love
Week 46: Change Just One Thing
Week 47: Love by Example
Week 48: Sensual Eating
Week 49: Just Because
Week 50: Catch-Up Time
Week 51: Take Your Time
Week 52: One Hour
Week 53: Experiment in Bed
Week 54: Stop Being Critical
Week 55: Get a Checkup
Week 56: Celebrate Love
Week 57: Spring Into You
Week 58: Boost Each Other's Sexual Confidence
Week 59: One Night of Intimacy
Week 60: Declare Your Desire
Week 61: Evaluate Your Goals
Week 62: Let's talk About Sex
Week 63: Satisfaction
Week 64: Keep a Gratitude Journal
Week 65: Talk to Your Family
Week 66: Check Your Personas
Week 67: Summer Dating
Week 68: Summer School Catch Up
Week 69: Focus on the Good Things
Week 70: Show Me Yours and I'll Show You Mine
Week 71: Make Time to Talk Openly
Week 73: Get to the Root of Your Fears
Week 74: Swap Roles with Your Partner
Week 75: The Happiness Experiment
Week 76: Fight to Love
Week 77: Brag About Your Partner
Week 78: Accept Your Family
Week 79: Take the Reins of Your Sex Life
Week 80: Counter-Mirroring Exercise
Week 81: Kegel Exercises for Men
Weeks 82 and 83: Cold-Weather Catch-Up
Week 84: Make a New Year's Resolution
Romance
Week 89: Pleasure Your Palate
Week 90: Celebrate Love
Week 100: Accept Help
Week 101: Remember to Be Thankful
Week 102: Spring-Cleaning in the Bedroom
Week 104: Find the Good
Week 105: Get Yourself Tested for STDs
Week 106: Talk About Affection
Week 107: Open Up

Talking About & Experimenting Sex: "Is it considered a Taboo or a Necessity" for a relationship to be successful?

2011-05-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

I read the articles below and was reflecting about the meaning of the term 'SEX' for people (friends, family, acquaintances, strangers) that I have come across overtime through different developmental phases of life. In my conversations with people about their sexuality and their perception of sex I believe that depending on the culture, religion, and parenting one is raised with, aids in forming ones perception of sex. Chances are that if one was raised in a very conservative/traditional environment where no one at home, among their peers or in their religious backgrounds, talked about sex at all or in a healthy light growing up then their idea of sex is limited, closed minded and it (sex) is even considered a taboo. Then there are people who rebel against that and explore and end up forming a healthy view of sexuality even though they might not be too forthcoming about broaching the topic of sex in their conversations or sexual interactions with people. Then there are those who have a very healthy view of sex and sexuality due to the environment that they were raised in, and have had amazing experiences that enjoy discussing the topic without any reservations. Which one are you at this phase of your life, and how important is it for you to discuss Sex in your relationship? When did you broach this topic in your relationship first and how did that CHANGE your relationship status, did it bring you closer (pun intended) or that's something that you are still struggling with?

Since this blog is about experiencing a healthy successful relationship, and communication and sex seems to be the key ingredients to a well balanced and harmonious relationship I found it pertinent to 'talk about it' and share it with my readers.
(Disclaimer: This post will absolutely not make sense to people reading this post and imagining people who are their 'FB's', 'activity partners (pun intended)', 'sex mates' or 'friends with benefits' aka someone that they are not in a meaningful committed relationship with).

Communication: Talking About Sex
By: Natasha Jervis

You want me to do WHAT? Talking about Sex with Your Partner!

Communication in general is very important for a healthy relationship, but when it comes to talking about sex, some couples become a bit shy or closed minded. It is healthy to talk to your partner about what you like, what feels good and what you want. It can take your sex life to a whole new level of intimacy and make your relationship even stronger. Sex isn’t an easy topic to discuss for quite a large portion of our population, but with further knowledge and experience we can learn to appreciate this form of intimacy with our partner to a whole new level. Here are some things to remember when you are discussing sex or thinking about talking about sex with your partner.

When approaching a discussion about your sex life, it is best to start mentioning what makes you feel good and what does not. Not in a critical manner of course. Always be aware and sensitive of your partner’s feelings and be positive. The more you talk openly and honestly with your partner you will realize that it isn’t as hard as you think to discuss sex. You will become more relaxed and most likely excited by this new level of intimacy and openness. Many couples would like to spice up their sexual lives but do not know how to approach each other and to suggest new things such as other positions, bondage, oral sex, and more. They become fearful that they might be looked at awkwardly or in a different manner, and possibly rejected. A way to get your suggestions out there without bluntly stating it could be to say something looks awesome or fun when seeing a movie, reading a book or magazine.

When it comes to sex with our partner, most of us think that the other one can read our mind. In some cases, couples can connect in that way but a majority of people get frustrated because they feel they are not satisfying their partner. Sometimes we expect too much and that we should know exactly what to do with another person’s body. We are not experts and every single one of us is different and responds to different touches and arousal. None of us can actually read another’s sexual mind. We can read body movements, noises and exclamations of ecstasy and many other sexual responses. Communication is so important when it comes to sex and even while having sex. Communicating isn’t only about being verbal; it is also about showing your excitement and arousal through touch, movement and noise.

Being honest with each other during sex can increase sexual confidence and can make a couple even more open to the discussion of sex and new ideas.There is no point in faking anything in sex and it is best to be demonstrative or tell your partner what felt good when. As lovers, you will practice and learn about each other, and in time you will know what your partner’s body and mind responds to sexually. By trusting one another and communicating freely and openly, couples will get to know each others sexual tastes, likes and dislikes. Communication is the key to a good sex life as well as the key to every other aspect of a healthy relationship.

Seems so simple, but how many actually do it? I believe that it helps if sex is not viewed as a bad thing or as a taboo, and something that is only done for the sake of procreation, or as a chore but something that is beautiful and meaningful that two people share the passion for that will take their relationship to the next level. Just like success with anything is a mindset, so is it with sex. Some can argue that sex can get boring and can plateau after the couple has been together for a while, or especially after they have had children while others continue to explore, be creative, work at keeping it spicy by practicing it to perfection. Is sex just meeting your physical need currently or is it bringing you emotionally & spiritually closer? I ask this to trigger your introspection on avoiding "when sex leaves your marriage/relationship" because every realtionship at one point or the other is bound to get rocky. The question is, is sex triggering any part of it or is bonding you closer through those times? And through that phase of your relationship do you continue to seek answers by communicating each others needs, trying new things by switching it up or by going back to basics that brought you two together in the first place? Have one of you given up on that goal while the other still holds passion for it?

In my conversations with people (I apologise for the gender stereotype) I find that more often most women don't seem to care much about the frequency of sex as men do while they care more about the quality of sex and the emotional intimacy that it brings. So I read the article below and in my conversations with my male friends I most often hear 'I just want to roll over and sleep after sex', where as women want to 'spoon' and 'cuddle' so I found this article as a happy medium to address the quality of sex for men and women while addressing the emotional intimacy for women so you can cotinue to spicing it up!
Author's tips and secrets on switching up your routine:
For men: women love and appreciate occassional gestures of flowers, chocolates, small inexpensive gifts (its always the thought that counts, men don't do it at all because they think they have to get diamonds, bags and shoes to make it count each time, she picked you she can buy her own or get it on her own if she is with you - just a thought), scheduled dinner dates (you don't have to wait to F up or till you are in the dog house for you to do these things) remember in the beginning you just worked for it because you had your eyes on the prize, same theory applies!
For women: men are very visual beings and it does not take a lot, grooming (Brazilians, Manis & Padis), taking care of yourself and your body (men watch porn and fantasize about 'other' hot women for a reason), he likes to see you be a good mother as well as a wife just like you like to see him support the family and be a good father - just a thought, occasional lingerie and surprise experiments, and sometimes you planning date nights by dressing up in your stilettos when you first started dating!
I am a big believer of if you are aware of the problem/issue and are able to own it, thats half the solution if you are in a BLAH situation, then its just a matter of finding the right solution! It is never OK to get too comfortable with each other that surprises don't happen anymore, thats when the relationships loose excitement. We know that 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' so if you want to continue to keepin' it spicy in your relationship here are a few more ideas...(Feel free to stay anonymous and add a few of yours as comments)

9 Sex Positions That Enhance Emotional Intimacy

These sex positions help couples turn sexual intimacy into emotional intimacy.

By Heather Kindberg
Certain sex positions facilitate higher levels of emotional intimacy. These positions allow a couple to go beyond their sensory experience, intensifying the intimacy of their encounters and imbuing them with emotional meaning. Eye contact, kissing, caresses, trusting, watching. . . these are emotional complements to the physical experience, and these nine sex positions promote that beautiful, emotional connection.
1. Woman On Top. A man lying down with the woman on top can be a vulnerable position for both lovers, which in itself can create emotional intimacy. He must rely on her decisions, while she is bared and exposed for his perusal. This position is ideal for lots of touching and intimate caresses.
2. Hold Me. In this position the man holds the woman as if she's just jumped into his arms. With her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms around his neck, this loving position is conducive to slow movements, passionate kisses and romantic swaying.
3. Enhanced Missionary. The missionary position is already intimate, with faces close and full-body contact. To enhance the emotional intimacy, the man can hold the woman's butt or move his legs to the outside of hers to more fully envelop her body. And if a couple is so inclined, this position also offers a good approach for anal sex by retaining face-to-face emotional intimacy. A Case For The Missionary Position
4. Spooning. Although there is no eye contact in spooning, this sex position creates intense emotional connectedness as the man protectively cradles the woman with his entire body. It's also a wonderful position for touching, squeezing, rubbing—and even hand-holding, which can be incredibly intimate during sex.
5. Hands Free. With the man sitting on a chair, and his woman astride him, facing him, with her feet on the floor, the couple not only has face-to-face contact, but also maximum access for tantalizing kisses, whispers. . . and four free hands for touching. Lady Gaga Can Orgasm Without Touch—And So Can You
6. Crossed Legs or Lotus. The lotus sex position offers stunning emotional intimacy. With the man sitting cross-legged, or in the actual yogic lotus position, and his woman on his lap, arms and legs wrapped around him, the lovers are fully entwined and face to face. The need for slower, sensual movements in this position adds romantic intensity.
7. Standing Missionary. Turn the missionary position 90 degrees so both people are standing and you'll find that this full-body-contact sex position has added intensity. Muscles tighten to remain standing and, even with a support behind her, both partners are more physically dependent on each other.
8. Slow Going. In this sex position, the man is seated, legs extended, leaning back on his arms. His woman sits on top facing him, then leans back herself and extends her legs behind him. By necessity, this position requires slow, gentle movements. There is an electric emotional intimacy in not being able to move much, only being able to watch each other. Is Sex Without Orgasms Better?

9. Higher Love. The woman lies on her back at the edge of a bed or another surface, and puts her legs on the standing man's shoulders. Both lovers share control; the man with the movements, and the woman using her legs to push him back a bit and slow him down, or to let him lean all the way into her.
Which positions create emotional intimacy for you?

How Important Is Sex In A Successful Relationship/Marriage?

2011-04-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

I use the word relationship and marriage interchangeably here because I don't think everyone believes in the institution of marriage. I also believe that every successful relationship is based on a sound friendship/companionship between two people first, before it takes on the added pressure and responsibilities that come with the term 'Marriage'!

I have had an opportunity to have several conversations with number of people from all walks of life over the years on the their introspect about their sexual experiences, and I must say they generally make for a fascinating conversation. Some of the interesting ones have been "men think about sex or related activity every 10 seconds", "women think of sex as a chore", "we don't talk about sex as women", some women identify themselves as "prudes" while others as "angel by the day and freak under the sheets at night" (every guys fantasy) and many more!

Part of my profession calls for teaching Sexuality and related issues to individuals that I work with so to me talking about sex is as normal or exciting as talking about a pair of hot stilettos. But I still am in the process of wrapping my head around why people find the word 'sex' to be so charged. People do it, it can be a sensational experience if done right for the purposes of procreation or exercise however you choose to define its purpose so why not continue to keeping it spicy and engage in a dialogue. Which led to writing this post and since one of the purposes of this blog is 'keepin' it spicy' for a lifetime I had to research on the topic to see what people thought about the importance of sex in making a relationship successful, lasting and endearing irrespective of what stage of relationship they were in.

Here is our most important research finding concerning sex.
Psychology Today: Published on December 25, 2009
Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
For starters, we all know that good sex can be fun, romantic, exciting, and addicting, something that makes most consenting adults feel warm and fuzzy all over. Over the years we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples, and most report a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life. But here is our most important research finding concerning this issue – no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life! I believe that sex is not a key ingredient to make a relationship successful or healthy but it definitely is a secret ingredient to set your relationship recipe aside!
And more importantly, when we ask successfully married couples how important sex is to the success of their marriage – to rank on a scale of 1-10 with 10 high – the average rank was only 6! This finding has held true over the nearly 27 years of our research. The results are hardly a resounding endorsement for the importance of sex in a successful marriage.
You see, marriage is a multi-faceted and highly complex relationship, and in the best marriages no one aspect stands out as the make or break part of it. The truth is, and as we report in our new book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), there are seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages. And guess what, sex is not one of them! Sex is only part of one of the seven characteristics of a successful marriage.

As you know from our many published writings, we believe that the overemphasis on sex in books about love and marriage cause people to believe that if they don’t have stupendous sex everyday there is something wrong with their marriage. Trust us on this – marriages that fail do so for a variety of reasons and not for a single reason. Simply put, no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life or lack there of!

While I think the above article is an interesting perspective I do believe that it is very much a needed experience to keepin the relationship spicy and alive. Because I often find that if not revisited often especially after couples have children then it leads to complacency which can be quite boring. Since the focus of this blog is to living relationships that are successful, healthy and alive there is no room for stagnancy. I believe for any venture to be successful, hard work, dedication and focus are necessary so since sex is not just a physical act its also an emotional, spiritual experience the same rules apply to keepin' it spicy for a lifetime! Simply put pay attention to your partners needs..

Below is another perspective on why sex is so important for a relationship to be successful. I read this article and gather from it that it is not the key factor that drives a relationship but it is a gauge to examining the 'status' of your relationship. If sex has left your relationship either there is a huge emotional gap developing or your relationship is headed for a disaster. So I would take this as a guide to "WHAT NOT TO DO" or "WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY" if you relate to the topic, to not become a statistic.

When Sex Leave the Marriage

By TARA PARKER-POPE

Is your relationship still filled with sparks? (Lauren Fleischman for The New York Times)
Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.
Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage.
I recently spoke with Professor Donnelly about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. Here’s our conversation

. Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more?

I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising

. Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?

The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.

But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.

Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives?

Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication. I cannot emphasize enough how important this can be how communication or lack there of can lead to living an unhealthy unfulfilling relationship.

There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.

Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.
Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.
In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.

What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages?

I’m hoping to begin some longitudinal work which follows couples over time, to try and understand better the processes they experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so.

My hope from this post is that if you are cognizant of your relationship and care to put enough work to spicin' it up then hope these views have slightly increased your awareness so you can continue heading in the right direction or changes your views so you can continue heading in the direction thats best for your relationship. So hope you continue to keepin' it spicy and enjoy!

Stay tuned in for

2011-04-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

How Important Is Sex In A Successful Relationship/Marriage?

A Perspective on Avoiding Dating Blues & Remaining Optimistic for the Right Partner - DO NOT SETTLE!!!

2011-04-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

Food for thought:
I was having a conversation with some friends over the weekend and their experiences of dating which inspired this post. I also came across this article a few weeks ago so felt relevant to write about this. What does dating mean to you? Does 'dating' automatically come with an expectation of sex at some point? Does dating involve all the games, chase and the adventure of getting to know someone. What do you think of the dating process? Do you date to have fun, or with an agenda to be in a relationship? When do you know that you are dating someone after you initially meet and connect with them? I find that people who are not used to dating find it difficult to having an initial conversation about where they are at in the 'process of getting to know one another'.

Do the phrases "seeing someone" "hanging out with someone" "dating someone" mean the same thing? Are you the kind of person that avoids labels so avoids using the word "dating"? And if you are dating someone how did the journey begin for you and where is it leading to?

A brief guide on finding the right relationship, keeping a proper perspective and remaining optimistic throughout a sometimes grueling process.

by Rob Ernst

The process of dating is similar to an economic theory called the law of diminishing return. The first date is often fun and exciting and filled with a tremendous sense of anticipation and hope. However, as this process begins to repeat itself ad nauseam, the feelings become less intense, less hopeful and sometimes even depressing. The following is a brief guide on finding the right relationship, keeping a proper perspective on dating and remaining optimistic throughout a sometimes grueling process.

FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP

Setting Priorities
Living in a physical and material world as we do, it is easy to get caught up in the things that we think are important today only to be disappointed with the realization they are not essential tomorrow. It is critically important for all prospective and current daters to compile a list of the ten most important things they are searching for in a partner. After deliberating over this list for at least one week, most will come to the realization that clothes, hair style, height, age, etc. are not in the top five or even top ten most critical factors one is seeking.

While looks are certainly important, they pale in comparison to the true essence of an individual. It would be unrealistic, as well as unwise, to expect anyone to completely overlook the external physical makeup of a potential mate. However, it cannot be overstated how crucial it is for one to be honest with him/herself about his/er physical characteristics and what s/he believes are realistic expectations of a potential mate.

One's character traits, including sweetness, kindness, gentleness, caring and overall ability to communicate in a dignified and sophisticated fashion, should be the primary issue of focus. We have all seen people marrying for looks or money where after the 'honeymoon' period has ended there is limitless strife and heartache and eventually a separation. Although a gorgeous smile can certainly light up a room and a big diamond glitters, a beautiful soul outshines them, especially when one realizes that he needs to live with it every day.

Looks are important and beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, but attraction is important to keeping it spicy for a lifetime! But sometimes its the overall package inside out.

Utilizing All Available Avenues
Imagine there were three different avenues that lead to the road one wants to go down. We will call these avenues A, B and C. Avenue A is a straight path that is easy to get down and generally the shortest of the three. Avenue B is winding and generally the second shortest of the three. Avenue C is full of bumps and is always the longest route one can take to get to the road.

If Avenues A and B were closed, would one prefer to choose Avenue C to get where he needed to be, or just forget about it and stay home? Depending on how important it was for him to get to his destination, he would most likely take Avenue C and be glad that he even had that option.

There are numerous ways to meet one's significant other. Perhaps they will meet in school, or just out and about. This would certainly be the smoothest and easiest way to meet.

There might be a suggestion from a friend or a friend of friend to meet someone who they know. Although this is not as straight and direct, it is still a pleasant way to make somebody's acquaintance.

Then we get to the least desirable route -- which in today's day and age is the internet. Online dating and social networking avenues has become the modern day version of meeting ones potential mate. There are many pitfalls that exist for online daters including unscrupulous individuals who misrepresent themselves or their motives. However, if one is willing to do his due diligence and seriously take this process like a job, then going down this avenue can get one down the road he truly desires.

Bottom line for anyone who is disgruntled with the traditional methods of meeting is to look at every opportunity that exists and not to feel ashamed or embarrassed about the means. God gives us everything we need but He expects that we do our part in the process as opposed to sitting back and waiting for things to fall in our lap. If one wants to win the lottery, he has to buy the ticket. So don't be afraid to invest time, money and energy in order to potentially find your potential mate.

KEEPING A PROPER PERSPECTIVE ON DATING

Working on Yourself First
When searching for one's [soul mate], one must first be completely comfortable with him/herself. He should be fully aware of his strengths and weaknesses and acknowledge all of the areas of improvement he needs to work on. This is generally a very hard process since we are quick to excuse our shortcomings and focus on our good qualities. But in order to be ready to start a new life with someone else, one need to be honest with oneself and start making the changes he believes are necessary for self improvement and growth. My common observation without the risk of generalization is that between the development phase of 24-32 years of age, not many people are into the word self improvement. People especially men move on from one realtionship to the other rather quickly, and often times than not it is considered “her” fault for the relationship not working out. It is often easier to hide from the truth than face it!

Changing one's personality is an almost impossible task, but with the proper motivation -- in this case preparing oneself to meet his soul mate -- significant transformation can occur. The best way to go about recognizing areas for change and improvement, as well as implementing those changes, is through reading, associating with people who have been through the road less travelled and or seeking professional help. Additionally, spending a lot of our time around people we honor, respect and look up to will transform our feelings and attitudes.

It is imperative to continue growing and developing each day in order to reach one's full potential.

We may think that we are ready to meet our partner but in reality, God knows whether we are or not. The right person may be here but one may not have reached his true potential and his partner is waiting for him to do so. With this in mind, it is imperative to continue growing and developing each day in order to reach one's full potential. Furthermore, if one waits until after meeting his significant other to begin this process, he may find that they are not as compatible as he did before the development took place. There is a reason why 50% of marriages end up in Divorce these days, and people who were madly in love when they put the ring on each others fingers on that happy day end up in courts that often times does not look pretty like it once did. If YOU don't know where you are headed how do you know you are there! Do you enjoy your own company, or are you desperately waiting for a partner to fill that void?

Never Get Depressed
It is quite easy to feel depressed after dating numerous prospects over a substantial period of time. These feelings become even more exaggerated when all of one's friends are getting engaged and married.

The most important thing one can do at the point of hopelessness is to fight the feelings of depression, remain optimistic and or turn to God or power outside of oneself if you don’t believe God exists, for help. He wants you to turn to Him and ask for help and guidance in the search. We all know that in marriage there are three partners, not two; man, woman and God. This partnership also exists in the process of dating, even before the introduction takes place. The key is attitude of gratitude, being thankful for what one has and what is to come.

There is probably nothing more unattractive to a person than seeing someone else depressed. So it is vital (and yes, this is really hard) to remain -- no matter what -- positive and optimistic, and not allow depression to get in the way. Trust me people can sense desperation a mile away, and desperation is not sexy. People are attracted to another for their confidence, amicability and enthusiasm towards things.

It Takes Only One
One way to remain optimistic is to remind yourself that it only takes one to make everything right. We're not looking for ten great ones, only one. Although one may be scared to do this for fear of disappointment, it is essential to keep faith and trust that God wants to give us all the help we need to reach our full potential. Any time one starts to get down, he can remember the countless stories of people meeting their mate when they least expected it and in the most unlikely of places. Being hopeful, makes the wait far more exciting.

Take Advantage of This Time
There are many opportunities available for personal growth and satisfaction for singles. Instead of looking at this time period as an unfortunate situation, one should grab it by the horns and run with it. Now is the time when one can go to any class he wants, travel, or do many other things that would not necessarily be possible if he were married.

There is a famous woman lecturer who was single for a long time. While she was single she spent countless hours learning and refining her speaking abilities so that eventually when she did get married and had a family, she was still able to teach and inspire thousands of individuals with knowledge and speaking style. Be thankful for this time, and use it as efficiently and intelligently as possible. I believe in being appreciative for the things that I do have and living life to the fullest as supposed to wasting my time and energy on focusing on things that I don’t have. If you are not happy with yourself, and who you are how do you expect to incorporate someone else in your life and expect to bring out the best in them!

May these few thoughts strengthen the resolve of all of those searching for their partner in life and marriage.

For MEN: 6 Keys to A Great First Date!

2011-03-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

I read the article below and could not concur enough, so felt compelled to share! I am going to take a big liberty here and make a generalization and say that we all know most of the time people don't really meet people at a "club". Most of the time women know that the guys they meet at the club have only UNO agenda in mind!!!! But at times there are connections that lead to digit exchanges that sometimes end up in meaningful, fruitful relationships if a guy plays it right. I say guy because in this patriarchal society, as strong and independent a woman is usually she expects a guy to initiate any sort of interaction, at least in the beginning in an effort to not seem too 'forward' or 'easy'. Apologies for the honesty but it seems to be a reality. I am sure critics disagree with me on this, but this is usually the case. I believe that for a sound meaningful relationship to happen, it starts with a good first few dates.

So for guys who are not looking to waste their time, here are tips on how you can definitively score a second chance, and for the ones who have been in the running for quite some time and are top of their game here is an insight into a woman's mind!!!

For men: A guide for getting a "yes" to a second date for people who are seriously "looking"!

by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.

In the decades we’ve been involved in dispensing dating advice, we've seen a number of marriage-minded men who – though well-developed in intellect, character, scholarship and other interests – display a degree of under-developed social skills (can't reiterate enough). Often when a woman has a first date with such a man, this leaves her disappointed and uninterested in a second date.

True, if they were to get to know each other, they might develop a connection. Unfortunately, these dates seldom get anywhere because the woman feels she can't admire or respect a man who "just doesn't seem to have his act together."

Here are six concrete suggestions for how to improve the situation.

(1) The Phone Call

The initial phone call to set up the date is where a man makes his first impression. A woman usually prefers that a man keeps the first call to 5 or 10 minutes, and waits until they're actually on the date to find out more about her. Your main goal here is to set up the time and place. (This in the women world translates into, he takes charge and it suggests power subtly, he is in the drivers seat. As independent and strong a woman might be she likes it when he plans ahead and surprises her. When he initiates and does the work in the beginning it's like a breath of fresh air to them. Women are used to planning and are able to coordinate well generally, but they want to see if the guy she plans to give her time to is able to do that equally well. Women are turned on by guys who exude confidence and power without trying too hard. Although there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, later more likely appreciated).

Give her an idea of what you'll be doing on the date. Museum or restaurant? Will you mostly be walking or sitting? If you're thinking of coffee or dessert, let her know so she can eat dinner first. If you'll be taking her to dinner, she'll want to dress appropriately. There's nothing worse than getting dressed up in a beautiful outfit and high heels and finding out your date has planned a hike and a picnic.

(2) Dress for Success

Before a date, a woman will try to look nice for a man – styling her hair, choosing a pretty outfit, and putting on make-up. But she will feel foolish and embarrassed to have made an effort for a man who has holes in his pants, torn shores, a filthy raincoat, or a shirt and vest that looked like they belong on her grandfather. (For some women this is one of the characteristic on most women's check off list which might be a make or break a deal for some. Guys who know how to dress well, in the women world translates into they will look swell in pictures. To guys it might seem quite an irrational logic, but if you looking for a second date stay tuned).

A woman doesn't need her date to wear designer labels or expensive fabrics. She just wants a man who takes pride in his appearance and knows how to clean, repair and choose his wardrobe. (She'll notice that scotch tape isn't doing a very good job of holding his torn pants hem in place.)

An instant turn-off for women is poor grooming.

Another instant turn-off for women is poor grooming. After a long day at work, a man may need to shower, reapply deodorant, and shave before meeting a date, (most guys know this but some seem to be quite challenged). Most women are not attracted to a few days' worth of stubble, and are definitely put off by that "manly" scent. They are attracted to a man with a good haircut, and whose clothes are clean and in good repair (and smells amazing – so important!).

Of course, many men will ultimately benefit from their wives' fashion and grooming help after marriage. But they're not getting anywhere near the second date if she meets him and immediately thinks, "Oh, no, a Project."

One suggestion is for the man to ask a woman his age how to dress. Most men can find a sister, cousin, or friend's wife who seems to have fashion sense, and ask for her help in selecting a dating wardrobe that's current, well-matched and fits well. Invariably, when a man looks at himself in the mirror, wearing his new clothes, he will feel a lot better about himself. That feeling helps him be more confident on dates, and win the heart of a woman.

(3) Be Prepared

Be on time. Plan for an extra 20-30 minutes of contingency time – for traffic, bathroom break, emergency call from the office, etc. If you're running late, call (or text) your date as soon as you realize you won't be on time, not five minutes before you're scheduled to show up. And certainly not a half hour after your meeting time.

Plan where you're going on the date and how you're going to get there. Have a back-up plan in case something unexpected happens, like the restaurant having a fire the night before. If you'd like to let your date choose, rather than ask, "Where do you want to go?", ask her which of two places she'd prefer. She'll be impressed with the forethought you gave to the evening. (Again this in the women world, reiterates taking charge and planning ahead, spontaneity has its moments just not welcome on the first dates in most cases in most women's world).

Also, make sure you have your wallet, credit cards and cash. It’s not cool to make her wait while you stop at an ATM for enough money to pay for your evening together. And if you're picking her up and plan to take a taxi to your destination, she'll be impressed if you've arranged to have the driver wait outside rather than asking her roommate or her parents to call you a taxi. (This in the women world translates into the guy is thoughtful, creative, and is able to go above and beyond because trust me most guys are NOT doing that so this automatically moves you up the line).

(4) Refreshments Served

No matter what your activity, offer your date some sort of refreshment. If you meet after work for drinks or coffee, and you feel like continuing to talk past the 2-hour mark, do it over dinner. You may not feel hungry after a long day at work, but she probably is, and keeping her out later without offering dinner is inconsiderate. The neighborhood pizzeria may not be the right place for a first date.

Pick an appropriate establishment. You may love your neighborhood pizzeria, but if the place isn't clean and tastefully furnished, it's not a good place for a first or second date. It doesn't matter if she's the 50th girl you've dated – the woman you're with wants to feel that you think of her as someone special, and that you care enough to choose an attractive, comfortable place to spend time together. If you gave the venue of your date a lot of forethought and she compliments the ambiance, don't explain, "Yes, it’s nice. I take all my first dates here."

When the bill comes for your drinks/coffee/meal, reach for it immediately and pay it. If you leave it there, your date will feel uncomfortable as she starts to wonder if you expect her to go Dutch or to pick up the tab. (Again women who are strong and independent are able and used to taking care of themselves, but in most cases men like to feel like a "man" in the relationship and the woman wants to see that he ‘got’ this for the most part. This cannot be generalized because people tend to have different financial values but generally this translates into I would like to be taken care of equivalently meaning he can match my current financial standards or is better if we end up in a relationship. Women like stability and looks for a guy who matches her socioeconomic values or is better. Again this does not mean that they are gold diggers and are looking for your money but it means that they are looking for someone who is at least driven and ambitious to support ‘them’ as an entity later). If you wait too long and she offers to pay, immediately say, "No thanks, I've got this." If dinner is beyond your budget, then make it coffee. But pay without hesitation.

(5) The Right Location

Frankly, we think that dinner in a restaurant is not one of the best settings for a blind date. The reasons are practical as well as economical. A blind date should be treated as an opportunity to learn about the other person, to decide if there is enough between you to get to a second date. Trying not to talk with your mouth full, and praying that you don't spill something or get lettuce stuck between your teeth, is not the most conducive atmosphere for conversation. It is also unfair to expect a man to spend a large amount of money on dinner when a blind date may not lead to a second date.

Consider instead going to a place with some visual or auditory atmosphere, like a botanical garden, hotel lounge, art gallery, promenade or other pleasant place to walk, or even an informal, open-air concert. This presents an opportunity to talk, and something to look at and even refer to during those awkward silences. These activities fill about three hours, which is a good time frame for a first date.

(6) Conversation

The goal of this first date is not to overwhelm her with your business prowess, your analysis of the NBA playoffs, or regale her with your escapades in extreme adventuring. A good guideline for conversation is exchanging basic information about yourself and your date – your background, favorite music, where you lived in the past, places you've traveled, hobbies, favorite friends and relatives, studies or career, friends you have in common. This gives you a basis for more in-depth discussion. Anticipate these topics and think ahead of how you will answer. (Women are turned on by guys who are witty meaning they are able to keep up with her, funny and can make them laugh, and most importantly intellect – not your GPA scores in grad school but how well versed you are as an individual and how well are you able to express and present the information that makes you ‘you’. Women are more analytical than men generally are, and are looking for a men who are smarter and able to teach them about something that they might not be aware of before. It is not necessarily about content but it is about delivery. Women are looking for guys who are patient, how well they are able to convey a topic that might not interest her and are observing how much they care to invest their time into doing this – because to women this translates how a man will be as a husband and a father in the long run if this date will go anywhere). You can practice having better conversational skills.

When two daters are just getting to know each other, their conversation doesn’t always flow smoothly. However, if you often feel awkward or uncomfortable when talking to your date, there are ways to help yourself develop better conversational skills. Many people have found that working with a coach helped them become more confident about themselves and more comfortable with dating. Others have asked a trusted friend or relative to help them practice being on a date, from start to finish. After two or three run-throughs, they found they were less anxious and better able to carry on a conversation with a dating partner. (In the women's world it translates into power and confidence. Just like men can smell desperation from far away, women can too. Women admires a lion not a mice; confidence translates into he does not ‘need’ me once we are together or will allow me my freedom in our relationship; just like men don’t want to loose their freedom when they are in a relationship women don’t find a guy who is too smothering either. There is a fine balance).

Even if you don’t talk much, be a good listener. You can generate topics of conversation by focusing on something your date mentions and asking questions that will encourage her to describe her feelings. She'd like to get her masters in journalism? "Why did you decide to apply to journalism school? How does it feel to see something you've written in print?" Try adding your own insight. "I always thought journalists should be objective. Lately, though, it seems that much of what I read in the newspaper is one-sided. Why do you think this is so?"

Conclusion

If you’re a man who doesn't have his act together, or seems awkward and unsure of himself, these suggestions won't turn you into Don Juan. But they will help you appear more organized, confident and considerate of the woman you’re with. And that should be enough to achieve your primary goal: to interest her into saying “Yes!” to a second date.

Attraction: Does it grow overtime or were you a recipient of love at first sight notion?

2011-03-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Did your relationship happen because someone walked by and your heart just sunk in your stomach and you were completely caught off guard, or were you attracted to your partner because some of the characteristics on your check off list took precedence over others? Do you even have a mental list of things that you are looking for in your partner or are you the person that has had enough past experiences and knows what you DON'T want for sure? Someone once said to me, "if you don't know where you are headed, how do you know if you are there?"

What does attraction mean for you? What attracts you to someone? Does physical attraction override the mental one or, there is no compromise between the two for you? Did you find yourself mentally attracted to your partner first as if the connection (chemistry, communication, conversations) between the two of you was so orgasmic that most of the criteria on your check off list were met that you were willing to compromise the physical attraction or vice versa? Or does the concept of Fairytale exist and you are not willing to 'settle' and you continue to wait for that 'someone' to come by (which I often hear as a phrase "I don't chase after people, I am so content and happy with myself and my freedom right now that I am not willing to allow someone to come into my life right now and disrupt that harmony"; which often translates into I am cautious of commitments but don't really consider myself commitment phobic! Ya I said it.....

For my single readers out there are you single because no one comes closer to your idealistic list of characteristics that you seek in someone and you aren't willing to compromise or are you single because 'relationship' takes a back seat because your priorities right now are focused on other life goals and you don't want someone to take away your freedom and independence? Or are you single because you are simply just not ready, based on the traumas of your past experiences aka you are afraid of commitments?

I read the article below and found that once one overcomes the hurdles of singledom and is ready for commitment (there is a whole body of research on loneliness that goes overlooked, the point being; beware of denial issues when you deny the concept) the relationship goes through different stages.

5 Stages of Committed Relationships

By Sarah Schultz

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Stages-of-Committed-Relationships&id=528343

Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time... but what many people don't know is that they tend to evolve in the same way. There are specific, defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new opportunities for growth. And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love and intimacy, it's likely that you'll have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another. Take a look at the description of each phase - do any of this sound familiar?

Before we get started, you should know that most people experience these stages in this order, and will need to resolve the challenges in each stage before they can move successfully on to the next. Of course there are always exceptions to this rule. But for the most part, you can't get out of experiencing all of these stages if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Every couple will move through these stages at different speeds, and most people will experience each stage more than once - it is common to fluctuate from one stage to another.

Okay, now that I've given you the basic info, let's dig a little deeper....

Stage 1 - The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 - The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you're willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you've just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 - The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can't be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you're unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to....

Stage 4 - The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn't perfect, but your personal differences aren't quite as threatening as they used to be. You're able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 - The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore... yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you've made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership!!!!

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Stay Tuned

2011-03-17T16:18:00.001-07:00

I decided to switch it up a little and have been having quite a bit of conversations with both my guys and girlfriends and since we know 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' fellas stay tuned for tips on 'what you can do on your first date to get her to say definitive YES for a second date'!!!

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Stay tuned for....

2011-03-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

Attraction: What does it mean to you? Does it grow or do you believe in love at first sight? Did you see him/her and know that they were the 'one' or did you let love happen over time because you compromised on some of the characteristics on your check off list....

Connection - Why does it happen and how do you continue to keeping it spicy?

2011-03-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

The word is whichever you prefer to call it, Connection/Chemistry/Comfort. Why is it that sometimes we connect with some people and can relate to them as if we have known them forever even though we are meeting them for the very first time? Why is it that with some people we are able to let our guards down with ease, while with others we tend to be pleasing and politically correct so to speak. Why is it that with some people we only feel the friendship vibe, where as with some we feel the "let's just do it" vibe and with some we completely loose our minds and all of our senses, as in 'both of the former'? Why is it that with some people we can "appreciate" their beauty but might not necessarily desire any kind of relationship with them? Whereas with some people we feel so 'connected with' that love happens or grows over time. Do you believe in destiny, Soulmate, and/or coincidences? Do you believe that there is someone out there in this world for everyone and there has to be thousands of situations or circumstances that rearranges itself for two people to come together? Did you meet your partner when you were "ready", or are you a serial monogamous and cannot be single; or are you someone who is an "interpersonal perfectionist" who has a list of all the characteristics that you desire in a partner but are yet single, unless all the items on that list are checked off? Under what circumstances did you meet your partner? How did you know that your connection with them was so intense that you knew that they were one. Do you believe in love at first sight; Or did your love for them grow overtime. Did you look at your partner the first time and know he/she were the one and were left speechless or did your connection develop with your partner due to your attraction with other characteristics that they brought to the table. Did you think your partner was "the one" or were you settling because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. For my readers who believe in the institution of marraige, does the concept of 'connection/chemistry/comfort' even take any precedence over your choices of being with that person possibly for eternity or did the 'time' factor take precedence? Through my expericiences, dialogues and research over time I find that relationships that tend to be intimate, healthy and exciting revisit the concept of connection periodically. By that I mean intimate relationships just like other things in life tend to get stagnant or boring over time, especially after children, and for them to stay exciting and Ooo La La'ish' its important that your connection with each other is revisited.
Relationships are about 'two' people and in our lifetime we as people tend to CHANGE! If the ideas that you started out with, are the same ideas, values and fundamentals you operate your relationship with today, the chances are your relationship is stagnant; and there is nothing too exciting like the kind of excitement that you felt when you first connected when you were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I have been fortunate to be surrounded by couples whose relationships are very sound, 'connected' and intense as if they fell in love yesterday even after being together for more than 10 years. A friend of mine who is currently in one of those relationships' once corrected me by saying, that kind of experience happens when you are 'growing' in love and not falling in love! It's about the mentality you carry towards your relationship, do you wish for it to be healthy and successful and are working towards it everyday; or are you letting life take over?
So then you may wonder what does 'revisiting' connection/chemistry mean? I believe it involves number of factors such as nurturing each other, being creative and surprising each other, sex - how often do you have it and what efforts do you make to switch it up, simplest acts of kindness towards each other, not forgetting to still impressing each other like you did when you first laid eyes on your partner and let love happen! How often do you do date nights and how spicy or steamy is your relationship?

Stay tuned for....

2011-03-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

For all of the Single people mingling out there for love and the ones that have had an experience or two, what is it that led to those butterflies in your stomach, initially? Going off the first ingredient my hunch is the BIG "___" word, guys get your mind out of the gutter I mean...

The 5 Stages of Marriage

2011-03-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

Read the article below and had to share! I was having a conversation with a friend the other day around the 'meaning' of the word marriage and what it means at different ages or developmental phases. I guess for some the word is overrated and for some it is paramount to their growth as a human being almost equivalent to their existence (I personally find that its both age, and cultural values driven). Since some of my friends are recently getting married and I find that marriage is considered such an integral part of our social development just wanted to learn your thoughts on what it means for YOU! Do you relate to the article below if you are married or have been married? What part of the article do you find intriguing and why? What has worked well for you and if you disagree what do you suggest is essential to the Ohh la la experience. Why is it that some couples after being married for gazillion (anything after 12 years these days) act as if they are still in stage 1, where as some relationships get complaisant? Did the meaning and idea of the word "marriage" change for the better or worse for you, as you are going through that process and transition? Do you continue to 'evaluate & asses' your relationship as you go through the process and make necessary changes to keep it spiced up or is that something you were "expected to do at your age" and thus find it a chore? Feel free to stay anonymous and comment!

Marriage partially means growing up!!!

Learn the phases every relationship takes—and how to get through them

By Denise Schipani Posted July 16, 2010 from WomansDay.com

All marital unions are not created equal—but that said, they all go through some predictable stages. The timing may differ, and the way a couple manages the phase they’re in varies widely, but most of
the stages happen, to most of us. Understanding the stages, says Rita DeMaria, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of The 7 Stages of Marriage, gives you the tools you need to move through with your loving union intact. Here’s what you need to know:

Stage 1: Honeymoon Heaven
Usually the first year or two (or three, depending on the arrival of children as well as whether you lived together beforehand) is a passion-fueled period that’s all about the two of you and your intense focus on the attraction that made you want to walk down the aisle to begin with.
Your Challenge: As much as this stage is full of lovely things like lust, affection and late-night romps, you’d be wise to also use this time to cement your sense of coupledom outside the bedroom. Who are you, as a couple? For example, do you want to focus on your careers exclusively for a few years, or would you prefer to spend time traveling or taking classes? Will one or both of you want to get an advanced degree? Also spend time figuring out how you envision the rest of your marriage—such as whether and when to have children, or whether you see yourselves living in a city or the suburbs.

Stage 2: Settling In, Settling Down
This encompasses what Dr. DeMaria calls the realization stage, during which you learn things you might not have known (or happily ignored) about your spouse’s strengths, weaknesses and personal habits. Also in this post-honeymoon, pre-children stage, power struggles can arise as the two of you work toward both separate and shared goals. “This is the time to learn teamwork,” says Dr. DeMaria.
Your Challenge: As the shine fades a bit and reality sets in, you need to safely navigate what can be the first divorce danger zone of a young marriage, says Beverly Hyman, PhD, coauthor of How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. “After a couple of years, too many couples find that their values and goals aren’t always on the same page.” For example, if one of you wants children, or expects to spend every Sunday with his or her parents, and the other disagrees, you need to reach a compromise. Though you should have done this before you wed, if you haven’t, it’s not too late to discuss hot-button subjects like children, money, how often you’ll see your families, religion, etc. If you find you can’t see eye-to-eye, it may be time to seek counseling, says Dr. Hyman.

Stage 3: Family Central
Welcome to the “meat” of marriage—the years most couples spend raising their families, buying a home, building and/or changing careers and all-around trying to hold a busy, crazy modern life together. “This can be another danger time,” says Dr. Hyman. “You may have a couple of kids, a mortgage to pay, possibly two demanding jobs—this puts enormous strain on the resources of a marriage.” Too many couples start to wonder: Is this all there is to life? And some of them answer that question by starting an affair or asking for a divorce.
Your Challenge: Not losing sight of your couple-ness in the swirl of all the other demands on your time and energy. “Pay close attention to your marriage,” advises Dr. Hyman. Don’t assume your relationship will be OK if one or both of you is on autopilot. “One thing that’s essential to building an enduring marriage is open, honest and tender communication,” she adds. Give yourselves a chance to communicate by—if you have to—scheduling together time, planning a regular date night or agreeing to turn off the TV after the kids go to bed so you can discuss important issues (or have sex!).

Stage 4: Back to the Two of You
Some call this stage the “empty nest,” but that implies that your home is devoid of love (i.e. empty) after your children grow up and leave. Hopefully, it’s not that way (though it can be). In the best scenario, this stage is about reunion, says Dr. DeMaria. “You are getting to know each other all over again, unpacking old baggage and having fun.”
Your Challenge: Assuming you’ve weathered the earlier storms of marriage, this time can be exhilarating. “You have the luxury of time,” says Dr. Hyman, “so you can have new adventures, learn things together and take pride in your accomplishments, such as your history together and your children’s successes.” But many couples find it a struggle to be together again with nothing else to concentrate on. Spend some time figuring out things you can do together (such as a vacation or new activity, like tennis or a couples’ book club) and apart (such as a sport or an adult-education class). If the issue is that you’ve ignored resentments toward your partner while you were busy with work and kids, you’ll need to be honest about these thorny problems, says Dr. Hyman. “You can rescue a marriage that’s been ignored for a long time, but it will take work,” so seek couples’ therapy.

Stage 5: You Did It!
You’ve enjoyed the lust, lived the love and come through the chaos of family life—without splitting up in the face of troubles. You’ve reached what Dr. DeMaria calls “completion,” a stage that retired, empty-nest couples who still enjoy being together can bask in for the rest of their lives.
Your Challenge: Continue to show each other affection and attention. Remember, says Dr. Hyman, if you’ve remained a loving, harmonious couple, you won’t have an empty nest for long. Children and grandchildren gravitate back to the happy home they remember.

At Any Time: Explosion
This is less of a discrete stage than the others, says Dr. DeMaria, because it can happen at any time in a marriage. It’s when major life stressors interrupt the forward motion of your life together—such as fertility issues, a death in the family, a major illness or the loss of a job that leads to serious economic upheaval.
Your Challenge: Seek support, both separately and together, depending on the situation. Never feel you have to power through problems on your own, or your marriage may suffer. Seek advice and guidance from friends, family members, religious counselors or professional therapists. “Pay attention to your own physical and emotional health and well-being,” says Dr. DeMaria. Knowing when it’s time to divorce can be tricky, especially if you feel that the two of you have come to an impasse in terms of what you want from the marriage. Dr. Hyman suggests that you take great care, asking yourselves serious questions, such as: Have you been more unhappy than happy in your marriage? Is that unhappiness affecting your physical and mental health? What are your fears about possibly separating? Have you exhausted every remedy to save your marriage? Only you two can answer these hard questions.

As a practicing mental health therapist and a recipient of good therapy myself, I do want to take this opportunity to raise your awareness that psychologist and therapists "DO NOT" I repeat "DO NOT" TELL YOU WHAT TO DO in terms of resolving your crisis! Its often misconstrued by people that if I am having marital issues or problems and if I seek HELP they will tell me or advise me to stay with him or get DIVORCED!!!! Not the case, they are there to "help/guide/assist you through the process" of making a conclusion for yourself that's best for you. They help raise your self awareness to make a decision for YOURSELF when you are stuck in a mental fog without any clarity or hopes of brighter future ahead when you feel that you have lost all the glimmer of being able to see the future ahead of you.

I cannot speak for all the therapists and psychologist out there but at least the ones that are trained properly don't. And therapeutic relationship just like any is between two people, if your therapist is not working for you the chances are you are going to walk away disgusted with the whole experience. In that case call me, I might be able to help you find one! It's important to shop around and get a feel for your psychologist or therapist before you dive into deep waters. They are open to that as well as encourage it, it is a part of their training. That was your free 101 course for dealing with immediate relationship crisis.

New Year's Resolution

2011-01-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

Hello friends hope this year is treating you very well so far! Since I am hoping we are starting this year with a good note, this blog has been revamped for the coming year so stay at the edge of your seat and hit the "Subscribe To - Posts" button and follow along because this year is going to be quite adventurous!!!!

Since we have stepped into a New Year and some of our "Relationships Statuses" has or might have changed from being single and tired of mingling to being "in a relationship"; or from being in a happy and or a dysfunctional relationship "to being engaged"; (if you are in New York especially Manhattan) after that being single and back to mingling again; unless you are one of those whose journey has (to be or) been quite conventional to being temporarily "happily married"! Whatever your "Relationship" Status or resolution might be, my hope is that you can share your insights, and experiences and stay tuned to make your relationship: whether you are still finding love or are in love a little more exciting than it currently is...

Women get into relationship hoping to change the men they are with, where as men hope that the woman they are with don’t change while she is in it! What have your experiences been?

2010-08-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

How do men feel about that? In my research of course direct conversations, and analysis from plethora of books and media, I hear a common phrase “Men are Simple beings, and women tend to complicate things". As much as I hate to admit it, and as Chris Rock puts it and a guy friend of mine seconds it, it's as if Men have a secret code among themselves: (I apologize for the vulgarity of my language) “Fuck me, Feed me and shut the fuck up”. In other words it translates into great SEX; a secret to a man’s heart is indeed his STOMACH no matter what color or culture he comes from, and SIMPLICITY which equals minimalistic drama. Now of course it is not as simple as it sounds and this phrase can have a very subjective undertone to it but for the most part I do believe that all the successful experiences that I have been in and observed, tend to be successful if there is great physical chemistry between two people. Its bizarre to me how one can expect to be in an eternal endeavor with someone they don’t feel attraction towards whether it has developed over time or whether that was the reason that brought them together!

I also believe that men usually like to feel as the provider and even though I am all for feminism (I find that this term is often misconstrued so I would like to clarify that it does not equate to pro womens’ rights and women who are man haters; in my world it means empowering women simultaneously while residing in a society that is mostly dominated by men). I think that the relationships that do tend to be sound are the ones in which a MAN is LET to feel like a MAN (which translates to a financial provider, a nurturer, a domineering one, even though there is a catch 22 to it that I will address later ). You may completely disagree with me but as much as I loathe to admit that, we live in a patriarchal society and even though I am all for strong, independent women, I find that for relationships that tend to be healthy have learned to harmonize and balance each others power. As studies suggest that relationships in which the there is balance of power, sacrifices made by each partner, decision making and equal performance of household chores are twice as likely to last longer than the relationships that are not equal (Gilbert and Walker 2001).

I gather that the quandary exists because Men often love to have a strong, independent, intelligent woman, but yet when it comes to power and display of who is in control of the relationship men often like to feel as if they are in the drivers seat, and most of the time I find that those women have a hard time letting go of that 'public' control. So the relationship struggles unless that harmony of power and control is established and understood between the two. This reminds me of a quote a dear friend of mine once said, “women are the neck that makes the (head) move”. So ladies I find that Men do want to listen and they have an easier time letting go BUT its about when and how they are presented with your idea, because eventually we do tend to get out way don't we?!?

The point being is that men do look forward to change and grow but just do not like to know or accept that they are being changed as none of us enjoy ‘being changed’ and letting go of some of the characteristics that make us who we are. So I gather that for you ladies subtle ways to bring about that change is through the above mentioned S3 method (Stomach, Sex, and Silence – timing) really works and it only works when he is into you! I say refrain from trying this when you are in the cusp of feeling the water. Lets face it no one looks forward to CHANGE, its scary because we are not breed to deal with ambiguity, unknown scares us so be empathetic and put yourself in his shoes and know that if you want him to change drastically he is probably not the one you are looking for. I often hear women fall for (choice of words used carefully here) and seeking the ‘bad boyz’ and they can’t wait to CHANGE them, let me tell you ladies save yourself a heart ache and ERASE that concept off your soul because I have NEVER seen that to work unless the guy is ready for that. Or I say go through that heart ache BUT learn and don't keep trying to CHANGE them. Most of the time he is not going to!! As mentioned above men are simple beings that don’t want you to change and that’s why they fell for you in the first place so continue to grow together and for your relationship to be successful shift the focus from changing him to changing yourself to make you a better version of yourself because he brings that out in you for who he is…

Questions and Thought provokers

2010-08-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

For people who are looking to get into relationships that LAST or are already in a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS or are in MARRIAGES that might need some spice that can turn the possibly blah relationship into an Ohh La la experience.... here are some questions that you might want to ask yourself:

American Magazine in 1933 reprinted an article by Emmet Crozier. The following is a questionnaire reprinted from that article. You may find it worth while to answer these questions, giving yourself ten points for each question you can answer in the affirmative.

For Boyfriends/Husband/Partners

1. Do you still "court" your girlfriend/wife/partner with an occasional gift of flowers,
with remembrances of her birthday and wedding anniversary, or with
some unexpected attention, some unlooked-for tenderness?

2. Are you careful never to criticize her before others?

3. Do you give her money to spend entirely as she chooses, above
the household expenses?

4. Do you make an effort to understand her varying feminine moods
and help her through periods of fatigue, nerves, and irritability?

5. Do you share at least half of your recreation hours with her?

6. Do you tactfully refrain from comparing her cooking or
housekeeping with that of your mother or of Bill Jones' wife, except
to her advantage?

7. Do you take a definite interest in her intellectual life, her clubs and
societies, the books she reads, her views on civic problems?

8. Can you let her dance with and receive friendly attentions from
other men without making jealous remarks?

9. Do you keep alert for opportunities to praise her and express your
admiration for her?

10. Do you thank her for the little jobs she does for you, such as
sewing on a button, darning your socks, and sending your clothes to
the cleaners?

For Girlfriends/Wives/Partners

1. Do you give your boyfriend/husband/partner complete freedom in his business/work affairs, and do you refrain from criticizing his associates, his choice of a secretary, or the hours he keeps?

2. Do you try your best to make your home interesting and attractive?

3. Do you vary the household menu so that he never quite knows what to expect when he sits down to the table?

4. Do you have an intelligent grasp of his business/work so you can discuss it with him helpfully?

5. Can you meet financial reverses bravely, cheerfully, without criticizing him for his mistakes or comparing him unfavorably with more successful men?

6. Do you make a special effort to get along amiably with his mother or other relatives?

7. Do you dress with an eye for his likes and dislikes in color and style?

8. Do you compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of harmony?

9. Do you make an effort to learn games to his likes, so you can share his leisure hours?

10. Do you keep track of the day's news, the new books, and new ideas, so you can hold your husband's intellectual interest?

What makes Intimate Relationships Successful?

2010-06-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

This blog was inspired from a reflection on the infamous phrase, “Am I in New York and single or am I single because I am in new york?” I figured I would write a book on relationships, but then again I am into research and figured in this Google driven highly techy world I would collect some first hand data by developing a reader base and putting in my hours before preaching about “what are the necessary ingredients to making a healthy relationship!”. Because as Malcolm Gladwell in his book ‘Outlier’ said in order to be an expert at anything one must put in 10,000 hours at it. And since I consider myself no expert in relationships, but personally having been through enough WHAT NOT TO DO’s, and being surrounded by friends who have been through plethora of them (good, bad AND the ugly ones) and learning from their experiences; I am taking the liberty to share my opinions and words of wisdom!!

I look forward to sharing this journey with my readers so feel free to share your HONEST experiences so together we can strive to assemble a community of readers and possibly a generation of minds who can share the same values of wanting or striving for a relationship that “brings out the best version of themselves that they never knew existed”……especially in a era where according to enrichment journal on the divorce rates in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%.

Relationships tends to be an integral part of our human make up, as men usually say, “women we can’t live with them and we can’t live without them“. So why is it that the divorce rates are so high? What do you look for and what have you learned?

Living in New York, I hear people in their 30′s living in Manhattan wanting the same things when it comes to finding “The One” (Guys want a girl they can take home to their folks and girls want guys that sweep them off their feet). An insight into what works and what doesn’t…so stay tuned and express yourself!! B

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