Recognizing Jesus

Battling Bitterness

2010-11-07T09:16:00.000-08:00

Hebrews 12: 14-15 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;

As I sat sipping a cup of coffee with a good friend this morning, I knew the question was coming. It always does because she is a loving friend who cares about my marriage.

“How are you and Phil doing?”

Before I gave much careful thought to my answer, out slipped a “meh...” with a quick cock of my head and shrug of my shoulder.

“That good, huh? I have come to realize that when I am feeling that way about my husband, I have let bitterness creep into my heart somewhere.”

Yuck. There it was - the ugly truth - lying on the table between us. The eyes of my heart had been enlightened. She was exactly right. Like an insidious noxious poison, undetectable to the eye, I had let bitterness erode at foundation of my marriage.

Lest your mind wander at this point into the land of What If’s? and I Wonder What He Did’s? - let me set the record straight. There has not been any one thing - no major sin issue or gross misdemeanor committed. It has simply been the pile up of busy days, complicated schedules and an occasional lack of thoughtfulness of both of our parts. We have not prioritized intentional, regular heart connection. But that is exactly the point. Bitterness flourishes where apathy abounds. If we are not both vigilantly attending to the proverbial garden of our marriage, sin roots and springs up and causes trouble.

I promptly came home and found Phil sitting on the couch. I remembered the brief interaction we had last night when I was awoken by his late arrival from work. My heart leapt as I saw his face, his warm smile after a long day apart. God was gracious to reignite that spark of joy, that deep gratitude and heart of service for my husband that melts bitterness. I asked forgiveness for my carelessness that had sprung into bitterness and he obliged. He reminded me that despite our marital drought, he adored me. And the bitterness thawed into a puddle of tears as God, in His grace, enables us to love each other out of His abundance.

Reason for Absence: Mars Hill Blogging and Jr. High Boys

2010-10-20T17:54:00.000-07:00

For the faithful few that pop in here occasionally to see if I've written, thank you. I have been crazy busy this fall with homeschooling as my 2 boys are now both junior high age and well, you know. Jr. High boys have a certain charm about them that is hard to pull yourself away from - that and they require much devoted time and attention to nurture their stumble and fumble into manhood. I love my boys and will say that I get many an opportunity to apply the gospel to their hearts and mine as we are laid bare time before the cross, reminded of our need for Jesus in the midst of algebra, research for writing and science experiments. Prayers are appreciated.

I've also included a link to some writing I have done for mt church's blog: Mars Hill. Some of it is tweaked or repeated from here - some new. Thanks for checking in. I have many posts brewing in my head so Pray I put butt to chair and fingers to keyboard as the Holy Spirit prompts and swquirrely young men allow.

http://ballard.marshillchurch.org/author/jensmidt/

Hello 41...

2010-07-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

Having a birthday always brings the nostalgic, year-in-review persona to the surface for me. Last year, when I turned 40, God gave me 3 words as a vision for what He desired from me. I've had to ask myself lately if I have seen any fruit borne in these areas of my life. Right now seems a difficult time to assess accurately as I have been in a desolate desert of spiritual dryness. What never ceases to amaze me is when I lift my tear-smudged, grubby-self-absorbed face to the heavens - even an inch - God floods me with the light of His grace and reminds me He has been close all along. I need only crack the door of my heart in soft submission to Him an inch. Charles Spurgeon wrote to me personally yesterday morning - how sweet of him, right? I'll share what he said to me on the pages of his devotional Morning and Evening:

“Looking unto Jesus.”

Hebrews 12:2

It is ever the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan’s work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, “Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you have not the joy of his children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus.” All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: he tells us that we are nothing, but that “Christ is all in all.” Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument—it is Christ’s blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by “looking unto Jesus.” Keep thine eye simply on him; let his death, his sufferings, his merits, his glories, his intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to him; when thou liest down at night look to him. Oh! let not thy hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after him, and he will never fail thee.
“My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness:
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.”

Focused, Fruitful and Faithful will only be woven into the fabric of my life as I look to Jesus with gaze and affections unwavering - that is my prayer for 41...

A Woman Who Fears the Lord

2010-07-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).
As I think back to the woman I was in college, this verse painfully yet accurately describes me. Operating on wit and outward appearances, I managed to convince myself and others I had it all together. But I was deceived. I was drowning in my sin with no idea what my lack of fearing the Lord had to do with my desolate heart.

Fear of the Lord is one of those Bible phrases that we throw around with very little grounding in the substance of our daily lives. It is defined as reverent awe or deep respect. Sounds great, but what does that look like day in and day out? If a woman deeply respects God, how does she live her daily life?

•First and foremost, she has a correct understanding of the character of God.
•She has searched the Scriptures for God’s definition of God and believes it.
•She has studied what God has revealed about Himself and relies upon this Truth rather than her experience of God.
•She accepts His holiness and His justice as completely good.
•She trusts in His mercy, grace, and compassion to deal with her sin and redeem her.
•She believes that His kindness is what leads her to repentance and as such, would never presume upon the riches of His grace by taking her sin lightly (Romans 2).

OUCH. There it is–the reason I blatantly and boldly lived a life of self-indulgence and sin despite the fact that I called myself a “Christian.” I pridefully and foolishly took advantage of the cross by saying to God, “thanks for your sacrifice, but I got it from here. Love that forgiveness thing! When I’m done having fun, I’ll be back with my long list of sins that I’ll need you to take care of.” In short, I was not a woman who feared the Lord.

But God has helped me become a woman who fears Him–a repentant woman who is deeply grateful for and moved by the cross of Christ. This does not mean being afraid to go near our Awesome and Mighty God:

•It means being terrified to be far from Him.
•It means resting in the safety and peace of His loving arms and not straying from that place of protection.
•It means running from the temptation to satisfy our needy hearts with someone or something other than Him.
•It means He alone is the influence in our lives, giving us wisdom to navigate each day (Proverbs 3:7, Prov 9:10).
•It means valuing what He values in a woman: a submissive heart, a gentle and quiet spirit, and a posture of worship.

Isaiah 30 version Jen 1.0

2010-06-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

What God says to me today as I return to His loving arms and rest in His salvation...my personalizations in red...

15For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel to Jen,
"In returning and rest you shall be saved;

in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
But you were unwilling,
16and you said,"No! I will flee to my bed..."
therefore I hid away;
and believed the quiet whispers, "You are alone in your suffering.."
17 A thousand shall flee at the threat of one;
at the threat of five you shall flee,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on the top of a mountain,
like a signal on a hill.

18Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
19For a woman shall dwell in Lynnwood; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you.
20And though the Lord give you the adversity of physical pain and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.
21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
22Then you will defile your plush, cozy idols overlaid with Egyptian-cotton sheets, fluffy duvets and your self-pitying, self-absorbed images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!"

Thank you Lord for continuing to pursue and love me. The idols I run after always break my heart and multiply my sorrow...You never do. I love you.

How ReTrain Changed my Husband

2010-06-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I will celebrate with my husband a wonderful milestone that he has achieved by God's grace. He will graduate from ReTrain - the yearlong Missional Leader program at Mars Hill Church. In many ways, our whole family has sacrificed for this accomplishment - giving up family time, days off and large chunks of Phil's brain that have been preoccupied with reading, writing and studying. It is a minuscule price to pay in comparison to the richness of redemption I have experienced in my husband as a man, pastor and father.

Phil's passion for the gospel has exploded. Sitting under the teaching of amazing pastors like Piper, Storms and Ware, I have seen admiration for the Father, affection for Christ and acknowledgement of the Holy Spirit's power multiply exponentially. Many a night, Phil would share with me what he was gleaning from the most recent book. Spurgeon's biography remains my favorite as I have memories of Phil tearing up as he spoke of the deep, passionate prayer life that Spurgeon inspired him with.

Phil has always been a man whose adherence to truth stands firm. His life is marked by integrity. I saw that commitment to truth be coupled with a tenderness and compassion as he was charged by one teacher with this exhortation: Sometimes the sheep need to be corrected but sometimes they just need to be loved and inspired. God used those words to continue to work gentleness and compassion for the people into my husband's pastoral heart.

I have witnessed Phil's pastoral calling be sharpened and strengthened through this process. Receiving encouragement, perspective and challenge from his fellow cohort members has given him clarity and confidence to continue in obedience to God's call on his life. The life of a pastor is often marked with loneliness. I watched my husband enjoy the brotherhood of shared mission with other godly men.

My heart is filled with gratitude and joy as we celebrate the close of ReTrain. God has faithfully sustained our family through a difficult season while he honed my husband towards greater passion and influence for His glory. What more can a wife ask for?

Who God Is Determines Who I Am

2010-06-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

“…by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:10).
As far back as I can remember, I struggled to answer the question, “Who am I?” I loved Jesus at an early age but I also experienced sexual abuse that left me feeling dirty and ashamed. Was I a purified, precious daughter of the King or was I a worthless piece of trash?

My college years were fraught with identity crisis after identity crisis. Rocked by emotional turmoil, consumed by thoughts of the opposite sex and floundering in attempts at independence, I ended up looking more juvenile than mature, foolish than sophisticated. I defined myself by the people I hung out with, the classes I excelled in or the clothing that got me noticed. My identity was all about me.

That wounded, self-absorbed young woman married a young man who had identity issues of his own. Proud of his squeaky clean, nice guy reputation, my husband was sure he could tame the wild woman in me. Neither one of us was living out of a heart that was defined by the finished work of Christ on the cross.

After much conviction of sin and a loving confrontation, we repented before God and each other by enduring hours of brutally honest and painful conversation about my past and our future. God was breaking strongholds of identity in both of us. I was emerging from the very dark (yet somehow comfortable) identity of shame that held me captive for years, and my husband was shedding the moralistic, self-righteous mask to become the strong, compassionate shepherd that he is today. We were seeing ourselves and each other in light of the cross.

God did some serious renovation of our hearts and identity. For as much as the world tells us our identity is all about us, the Bible turns that definition on its head and makes it all about God. Our identity flows out of our theology. The more clearly and rightly and intimately we know God, the better understanding we will have of our lives and purpose on earth.

Even as I write, this struggle continues. When I listen carefully to myself, I quickly realize that most of what I say is all about me.

I am a moody wife. Am I letting my feelings rule over me?
I am a homeschool mom. Am I ruining my kids?
I am an abuse survivor. Am I really loved?
I am worried about my health. Am I going to die?

Constantly bombarded with soul-numbing means of identifying myself outside of God, I grasp at any and everything that makes me feel mighty and important. I want to be god.

As I really begin to consider the implications of these (and many more) statements, God shows me the weakness of my faith and belief and leads me on a journey of identity redemption.

Through much godly grief and repentance, God has led me to proper worship of His glory and not my own. Understanding and defining myself in light of the cross has had a profound impact on the way I live my life.

I am a wife…but I am a slave to righteousness, not to my emotions.
I am a mom…but Christ is my kids’ Savior–not my mothering.
I am an abuse survivor…but God loved–and still loves–that precious little girl.
I am weak in body and spirit…but Christ is my Strength, my Shield.

The Bible jars us into reality as God’s chosen people. Our identity is based solely on His.

He is Creator. We are the utterly helpless creation.
He is Redeemer. We desperately need change.
He is Savior. We must be rescued.
He is Lord. We need His rule over our lives.

Who He is gives meaning and definition to every moment of our lives—every breath of our souls. By His grace alone, I am what I am. Lord, help me to live my life in submission to you, giving you glory in everything. Your Grace to me will not be in vain.

Pain Reveals My Heart

2010-06-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Psalm 119:23,24 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

I'm resurfacing here like a bloated, beached dying whale that needs to come up for air. As I think back on my relatively short blogging career, I see a pattern emerge. I have written about bladder bags, surgery, and chest pain. My complete medical record would need to be carted into a doctor's office in a wheelbarrow. 15 major surgeries rolls off my tongue as if that is an common occurence for a 40 year old woman. I have suffered greatly in my physical body. God is revealing to me my heart all the while.

Nothing like 5 months of constant, nagging pain to belie the depths of my wicked, unbelieving heart. Pain wears me down. I want to carry its weight with dignity and grace; most days it is with weariness and irritability. At least in the past, there has been a surgery date, a recovery period - an end in sight.

Lost in the midst of unrelenting pain, God allowed me to recognize Jesus yesterday for the first time in a week. I didn't see Him because relief had come but because a reminder settled in my heart. God is not absent when I hurt. He has compassion for His daughter. He is here.

Pain creates an eery, isolating silence is my heart. It strips my heart back to reveal what comforts it desires, what ease it demands. My pain is so noisy that I hear nothing else - not even the voice of my Savior who knows the depths of suffering that I cannot fathom. Amidst the turmoil, God speaks to me calmly and quietly. He will not silence noise that I have chosen to drown Him out with.

I am here. Do you love me enough to trust me?
I am strong. Are you willing to be weak so I can show you my heart for you?
I am searching your heart. Will you let me show you your grievous ways?
I will lead you in the way everlasting...

What's in your Cup Today?

2010-03-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

I have found myself swamped with life lately and have not been making time to blog. The sweet part of it is that I have been making more time for my Bible and truly loving it. God is deeply moving me as I see the dependance of Jesus in His earthly life upon the Father and I have to ask myself,

"WHO DO I THINK I AM?"

Days can go by before I humbly and purposely stop myself to see what God wants from me or my day. Jesus - yeah, that guy, the DIVINE ONE - never allowed Himself to be defined outside the Father and yet, I go off half-cocked with my plans, ideas, joys and fears thinking I'm somehow in charge of it all.

So, in an effort to stay connected to the Father and His Word and challenge myself to think deeply of Him (and also post here more than once a month!), I am going to turn my bible reading into a simple question that I ponder throughout my day. Please join me in this exercise - answering my question or better yet, coming up with one of your own from your reading and share in comments.

Todays question comes from John - which is where I have been reading lately and have been overwhelmed and thrilled to see the complete and utter submission and dependance of Jesus to His Father's will.
Chapter 18, verse 11 - right after Jesus has been betrayed by Judas and handed over to the Pharisees - He asks Peter, "Shall I not drink from the cup that the Father has given me?"

I ask myself: Am I willing to drink the cup that the Father has given me today?

Granted, it is not filled with bloody beatings that end in crucifixion as Jesus' was - praise Him for that! But, today, my cup is filled with algebra help, countless listenings to piano practice, preparing 3 square meals and tackling mountains of laundry. It is filled with caring for 7 children (love my nieces and nephews!) while participating in a household Wii fast - am I crazy?

Or - am I humbly willing to let Jesus empower me to depend upon the Father to drink the cup placed before me on this day?

What's in your cup?

Jesus is Praying for Us

2010-03-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

I got up this morning to spend some time in the Word and in prayer. It was not a dutiful, reluctant throwing off of the warm blankets to roll out of bed and meet Jesus. Something of a peaceful drive has settled in my soul when it comes to prayer and Bible reading as of late. I can be a get-er-done gal and I have spent far too many years in that place when it comes to the spiritual disciples. They have felt like an obligation and there has not been much life or joy in the doing. Without being able to pinpoint the date, God has graciously placed in me a deep understanding that I cannot live without constant submission to Him through prayer and Bible time. Being submitted makes the doing a joy.

Constant? you may think, questioning my accuracy as to the frequency. Yes, constantly - I exaggerate not.

It isn't as though I am never to be found without a bible open or a prayer being uttered. But, as a result of time spent in both, I am ever aware of His greatness and my smallness. He continually reminds me of my dependance upon Him when I begin my day placing myself under His loving authority and grace. Prayer has become constant companionship.

I was reminded this morning from John 17 that once again, Jesus has me covered. Even if I hadn't answered the screech of the alarm to begin my day in prayer, Christ is praying for me.

Here are the 6 requests that Christ asks of the Father for believers right before His death:

1. He prays that we would be One with the Father
2. He prays to have His joy fulfilled in us
3. He prays that we would be kept from the evil one
4. He prays that we would be sanctified in the Truth of His Word
5. He prays that we would be with Him to see His glory
6. He prays that God's love would be in us

Amazing! Just when I thought I was doing good to up the ante on my quiet time, God again says to me - I love you dear girl. I am pleased with you because of my Son and His prayer that has come to pass in your life. I love you this bright, early morning as you come to me in prayer and I love you on the mornings when sleep overtakes your tired little body. Come to me always with your hearts desires and doubts. But, most importantly, trust that Jesus is praying for you - even when you don't.

She's Not Ours

2010-02-09T07:32:00.000-08:00

The following is a 259 word entry that I wrote for Mary DeMuth's recent book release. Check it out. Mary is a great writer who has inspired me to write about my raw pain while relishing in the redemption that Jesus purchased for me.

No thinner place exists than the intersection where light meets dark, good meets evil, life meets death. The cross of Christ anchors that place. Jesus is the hero there. It is in that very place that I experienced True Freedom - released from the bondage of lies and shame.
From my earliest memory as a little girl, I struggled for answers. A taunting voice would sneer:

“Who are you?”

Paralyzed by confusion, I could not say. Did I truly belong to the loving, heavenly Father that my heart longed for or was I a defiled daughter of darkness lurking about in the dank prison of secrecy?

Years piled up and so did my shame. As my carefully constructed façade of confidence and competence crumbled, I begged for help. My husband and my pastor battled by my side. Equipped with the same power that rose Jesus from the dead, we entered the sacred ground of my hurting heart – with the intention of proclaiming Christ as rightful King.

Praying for Truth to prevail, I heard the same taunting voice relinquish it’s foothold of darkness and lies from my soul.

“She’s not ours!” It cried in defeat.

Glorious Freedom! Sweet Peace washed over my soul. With fresh eyes to see, I was both broken and restored as I saw my Savior and my sin anew. Be it assault from my enemy or rebellion of my flesh, belief in Christ’s power to redeem must be my heart’s response.

The thinnest of places is the window where darkness meets Light and is forever changed.

Scars on my Heart

2010-01-16T22:02:00.000-08:00

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I've been away a while with the holidays and new routine of the new year but I experienced a wonderfully redemptive lesson this week that has breathed life into my blogging ambitions once again.

When I was 10 years old, I almost died. I had a very serious viral infection of my pericardium (the lining around my heart). Surgery was performed to alleviate the fluid constricting my heart and I was sent home to recover - missing most of my fifth grade school year. The resulting scar tissue damaged the surface of my heart - leaving it rough and prone to irritation and pain.

When I was an even younger girl, my heart was damaged in a different way. Early childhood sexual abuse left me scared, alone and ashamed. The resulting scars left their mark on my heart. I was prone to irritation and great pain when those emotional scars were seen.

I was given the opportunity to share the story of my past today at a workshop for our church. I had been thinking about and preparing for it for weeks - excited for the opportunity to share what God has redeemed in my life.

And then, earlier this week, the pain began. The old familiar heaviness in my chest, the dull throb up my arm and neck, shortness of breath that left me weak and fatigued.

Lord, why now?
After 15 surgeries and countless bouts of pain and bedrest, I'm tired of this.
Can't I just go share with these ladies the healing of my invisible wounds without the added burden of physical pain also - is that too much to ask?

I sincerely prayed for relief yet began prepping myself for the inevitable cancel of my talk. Sickness has always had a way of wielding much power in my life and I've often not put up much of a fight against my opponent. But this time, I wanted it to be different. And so did Jesus.

I believe He wanted to teach me that while both my muscular heart that pumps my blood and my unseen heart that is the wellspring of my life have sustained scars - He is the Great Healer. He has healed my physical body and He has healed my soul. His power is perfected in my weakness - physical and emotional. The scar tissue remains but it simply serves as reminders of His sustaining love and powerful redemption in my life.

Grateful for Everyday Gifts

2009-12-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

We moved into a new home (to us) two years ago and I just remembered a neat Christmas activity I planned for our family that I plan to resurrect this year. We were facing a slimmer Christmas due to moving and remodeling costs and I was feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. God quickly reminded me of the MANY new blessings that had come my way in the past couple months - new appliances, furniture, faucets, fixtures...yeah, I really had nothing to feel deprived over. I wanted to wake us all up to the fact that even though we may not be shredding rolls of paper off mountains of gifts, we had gifts all over our home that were daily blessings to each of us.

I purchased a bag of those sticky bows and divided them up into 5 plastic bags. On Christmas Eve, I gave each family member a bag and unleashed them on the house to stick bows on the "gifts" that we use everyday but may simply treat as necessities. After 20 minutes or so, everyone reconvened in the living room with stories to tell about why they chose the items they did. Our home was covered with bows from top to bottom - they were stuck on kitchen cabinets by my daughter who was thankful for dishes to eat on, on our comfy couch by a son who loves to cozy up on it to read, on our TV by a grateful sports-loving boy and on our garage door by a husband who has never owned a home with a dry place to park his car on these rainy Seattle nights. My biggest bow was proudly stuck on the lid of my washer and dryer that I thank God for daily when I think of that old washtub method used by my predecessors.

What a great reminder of how God generously and lavishly blesses us with both needs and luxuries every day that we easily overlook. I'm heading out for a big bag of sticky bows tonight!

I Wanna Be More Like Mary Bailey

2009-12-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 31:10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.

We just finished our annual tradition of watching It's A Wonderful Life and I am reminded again at what an inspiration Mary Bailey is to me. She is such a beautiful woman inside and out - a wonderful combination of grace and strength. When I grow up, I want to be just like her!

Here is a quick list of the qualities I see in Mary that make her a wife worth emulating:

1. She has a genuine, beautiful smile and she is not afraid to flash it! At George, at her children, at the people of Bedford Falls, in joyous times and in struggle. Her countenance is cheerful and pleasant. She is truly lovely because her smile radiates from within.

2. She is so dang creative and resourceful! She is a dreamer and makes beauty out of the ordinary. From the sweet sketch of George lassoing the moon to the home she creates out of the old dumpy mansion, Mary shows us what creative ideas and good old-fashioned elbow grease can accomplish.

3. She makes the best of hard situations. When faced with the thought of losing George, when the Building and Loan is going to close, when her honeymoon is cancelled - Mary finds a way to be a good helper to George at great personal cost.

4. She tells her children to pray for her husband. What a brilliant woman. When her husband is down and out, harsh with the family because he feels like a failure - Mary doesn't berate him but calls the family to pray.

5. Then, she calls for help. In the proper order, she first asks for God's help and then she asks for the help of friends and family. Mary goes out looking for George in his state of despair and mobilizes the whole town to give back to George the love and support he has given over the years (albeit begrudgingly at times!) Mary helps her husband when he can't help himself.

6. She suggests celebrating all the events of the evening with wine! What a fun lady!

George Bailey is INDEED the richest man in town, living a Wonderful Life. In large part, due to the love and support of an excellent wife. Not a perfect woman but certainly an inspiring example. May I be a little more like Mary Bailey each year!

Fulfilled in Christ

2009-12-11T15:14:00.000-08:00

This is without a doubt my favorite time of year. I love everything about it: glowing lights, fragrant trees, cheerful carols and cherished memories. One special Christmas memory and a song lyric add a depth of worship and gratitude that I will treasure in my heart forever.

Thirteen years ago, when I gave birth to my firstborn son - the staggering reality of what exactly Jesus offered to us in the gift of Himself became most tangible. As I held my newborn baby boy in the Christmas candlelight, tears flowed as I tried to comprehend that my Great and Glorious God took on this frail, infantile form for me. Never before had I truly understood the magnitude and humility of His incarnation. As if occupying a small, utterly dependent body of flesh wasn't enough, He ordained that His first place of rest be in a dirty feed trough. Why there? God could have chosen anywhere to rest His tiny head...and then the song playing on the stereo pierced my heart with a moment of clarity: That dirty manger is my heart too...

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

Jesus can.

God chose to have His Son enter the world in a stable and be laid in a filthy slop trough so we could know that our sinful hearts are not too lowly of a place for Him to occupy. He understands so much that He was willing to be lain in that rough and smelly receptacle so we could begin to understand His love for us. Understand that He desires to indwell our dirty hearts and make them pure and clean.

As His chosen children, we are given the gift of Jesus - we are now IN HIM.

Galatians 2:20 it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me

Ephesians 2:13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.

Celebrate! Party! Worship and Adore Him during this Christmas season. We have been brought near and the trough of our soul has been cleansed and filled with the most precious of gifts - the Righteousness of that Baby boy born in Bethlehem.

LOVE INCORRUPTIBLE

2009-12-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 6:24 Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible.

Corrupt: 1. Tainted 2. To lose purity or goodness.

I know a whole lot about corrupt love.

It was awoken in me as a 3 year old girl who had a God-given desire to be held and loved and protected. Sweet little Jenny had no understanding of the scars that were seared upon her soul in those early years of life. Such heavy burdens for a little heart to bear. I did hear of the loving God-man Jesus and wanted so badly to believe He could be for real - let alone love a dirty little girl like me. Sadly, the only definition of love and feelings of being special I knew had been stained throught the sin of another.

As a confused teen, the act of familiar "love" was coerced from me by selfish boys. The burning burden of shame that I carried eventually numbed my heart to the pain of my secrets. I lived out life in a detached and thoughtless fog of poor decisions and compromising positions. I knew I was grieving God but I felt trapped and at this point, I believed that love was destined to be dirty and wrong.

By my 20's, I was a hurting young woman who clothed my pain in a cloak of flirtacious, assertive moves toward men. I would "name and claim" a man and was rarely rebuffed. I erroneously believed that I was now in control of when and with whom I offered love. I would NOT let a man hurt me again. I felt powerful and powerless all at once. I met my would-be husband during this time and hoped that marrying a godly Christian man would purge the filth I felt associated with love. Could this finally be what I'd been looking for?

On August 14, 1993, Phil and I pledged our love before God and man. We really did love each other but the love we offered early on was tainted too. We were looking for the other to make us feel complete and loved unconditionally. We heaped onto each other expectations of selfless love while selfishly hoping for something more. Over time, God confronted both of us with the real and healing love of the Cross. We were both professing Christians with a Christian marriage but God had so much more for us to know about the height and depth and width of His love - we had barely scratched the surface. It was finally time to share with Phil the gut wrenching and heart breaking stories that had corrupted my understanding of Love and the Gospel. Jesus began redeeming love in my heart and my marriage.

The love that I had received and given was love based on selfish desires and lies, fleeting emotion and could be "fallen out of" as quickly as it had been pledged. True biblical love is unlike worldly love in every way. It is selfless, considering the object of its affections over itself. It is grounded in Truth, based on action and carried out despite how it feels. It is steadfast in every season and withstands every storm.

The Love that Jesus offers to His children is Incorruptible - not able to be defiled. It is pure, good and lovely. He doesn't just offer us love to ease our pain - He offers us Himself. A perfect, sinless life offered up to replace our imperfect, sin-filled lives. He is the source of Love Incorruptible. He is the reason for Love Incorruptible. He IS Love Incorruptible. We will receive His grace as we look to Him and love like Him - with love incorruptible.

Thanks for Giving

2009-11-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to him.

During this holiday season, even the most cantankerous, grumbling folk can muster up a few words of gratitude for obvious ways that they are blessed. Even in these difficult times, most of us have at least one thing we can thank God for.

I, as an American-born citizen, resident of a trendy city, member of an influential church, occupant of a comfortable home, wife of a godly man, mother to 3 great kids, have much for which to be thankful. Those things are obvious - I'd be a fool not to recognize the lavish earthly blessings God has bestowed on me.

Paradoxically, over the past few years, God has given me a perspective on the darkness in my life for which I, too, can truly offer praise and gratitude. The very experiences that others would look upon as suffering and trials are the very events that I hold most precious. They are the things for which I thank Him for most fervently this Thanksgiving because they are the vehicles through which I have gained more of Christ. Deeper intimacy with Him and true worship of Him are the result of receiving into our lives both the obvious blessings and the "obscured for the moment" blessings.

Dear Father, Thanks for giving me a dad who didn't always protect me from harm so I could discover true comfort and protection in the arms of my Heavenly Father.

Thanks for giving me an uncertain prognosis for bearing children because of my past sin. The 3 children born out of your Grace and Redemption are tangible gifts of your love for me daily.

Thanks for giving me a husband that didn't lead me well early in our marriage so my sin of control and usurping authority would be exposed. The joy we experience today in our marriage as we live out the gospel to each other is nothing short of miraculous.

I offer you my submitted, grateful heart as an act of worship because you are worthy to receive my gratitude in all circumstances. Amen.

This Thanksgiving, let us humbly and freely thank God for the obvious blessings - the blatant outpouring of His Grace upon all of our lives. Let us also be grateful for the subtle, even difficult, blessings in disguise - they are gifts of sanctification that endear our Savior to us all the more.

Idolatry Springs from Ingratitude

2009-11-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

Romans 1:21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or GIVE THANKS TO HIM

I get it. I feel like my eyes have been opened to a deep Truth that was always there (of course, there is nothing new under the sun...) but that I never saw. We hear often of idols in current teaching at church and Redemption Group. The idea is not new but today it lives in me as a disturbing, convicting realization of where my heart has been. The reason I turn from God, the Worthy Object of my Worship, to a pathetic yet deeply desired substitute is because of my ungrateful heart. An ungrateful heart paves the road to idolatry.

I am saying to God, "No thanks, what you are offering me is not quick enough, pleasurable enough, tangible enough, powerful enough to satisfy and soothe my needy heart. I am unhappy and discontent with You and Your Promises - I'll use food, drugs, sex, money, numbing, tears, depression to make me feel better. After all, that is all I want right now. Right. Now. I want to feel better." Skillet sings a song with those lyrics and it has been on a continual loop in my head.

This morning, another song began wriggling its way into my heart - the words of the beloved carol..."For He alone is Worthy, Christ the Lord..." He ALONE is worthy of my worship. I have worshipped at the alter of the known god for too many weeks now: the alter of Jen. The sacrifices I brought have come at a high price to many I know and love.

The highest price has already been paid and I have been ungrateful for the Ransom. I am humbled and made grateful today for His plentiful redemption in my life. I am reminded of the starting point of my journey in this blog: Recognizing Jesus. Lord, may I see you more quickly, worship you more purely, give thanks to you continually.

So Lost Without You...

2009-11-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

I've resorted to humming Air Supply songs to pass the time til my husband gets home. He is the captain of our ship, the lighthouse in our storms, the ground wire in the electric current of our home. Our household is simply not the same without him. In an effort to redeem the time I have wasted away in his absence, I want to record the many ways in which Phil's presence is desperately needed in our home.

1. He provides COVERING. Something about knowing he is coming home at night gives the kids and I a sense of protection - we are dependent on him. The longing in our tears speaks to the power of his influence in our lives.

2. He offers DIRECTION. Phil sets a tone that gives each of us a sense of purpose and clarity to our mission for the day.

3. He speaks WISDOM. His words of Truth and grace that speak to each of our souls have been greatly missed. I have overheard the boys asking each other multiple times, "What would Dad say about this?"

4. He embodies INTEGRITY. Phil is one of those men that is not a mystery. He is consistent inside and outside of our home. His integrity follows him - instilling a sense of trust in his family and those he

5. He offers STABILITY. The kids and I can get off course and wound up over the peripheral things in life and Phil is able to graciously remind and redirect to the items of primary importance.

Like JESUS. He is whom I have neglected in my husband's absence. My True Husband - the one who ultimately is the Rock and Redeemer of my soul. Phil pointed this out to me in an e-mail response to my misguided thinking:

"You are not a lousy person when I’m not near because your righteousness does not depend on my proximity. "

He is so right - my righteousness and ability to endure while he is home or away depends on my proximity to Christ. I am comforted and reminded to draw near to Christ even with my husband in the same room or on the opposite coast.

Can't wait to have you home, babe!

Funeral Reflections

2009-11-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

Surreal day. I attended a funeral of a distant relative with my mom and my sister. I didn't know Great Aunt Millie personally but she was a special lady to my mom and my mom is a special lady to me - so I went. The eerie calm of the chapel as we entered was punctuated by the open casket looming at the front of the room. I wasn't really prepared for how confronting a cold corpse that once held life could be. I sat quietly pondering the strange reality that death is an inevitable and certain event for all humans. But, unless forced to come face-to-face with it, I rarely consider its implications.

Today, avoid I could not.

I had many moments to dwell on mortality - mine and others. I paused my life long enough to realize that it's not death I am fearful of - IT'S LIFE.

I am a daughter of God, chosen by Him before the beginning of time. I KNOW where I am going when my time is up. My heavenly Father will be waiting for me with open arms because of the sacrifice of His Son.

What I DON'T KNOW is what is going to happen until then - in the gap between today and the termination of my days on this earth. My fears - big and little - consume my thoughts like hungry funeral reception attendees: Will we raise godly children? Will my Mom and Dad get to keep their house? Will family conflicts be resolved? Will my health give out soon?

The finality of death pushed me to the edge of my fears today - am I really living TODAY in a manner worthy of the calling of Christ? Do my fears of the unknowns of tomorrow or my faith in the One who has made Himself Known prevail?

Lord, may the confidence I have in my eternal destiny permeate my heart as I live out my days fully entrusting them to your Promises and Provision.

Nothin' Worse than a 40 year old Throwin' a Tantrum

2009-11-06T11:43:00.000-08:00

Matthew 7:11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

I return to my blog with head held low, humbled but not ashamed - more aware of my sin than ever.

It all started with a good desire - to honor and bless my son with a really cool 13th birthday experience. I wanted to go all out with a fancy dinner and hotel stay downtown followed by a vision-casting stroll through the UW and SPU campuses, whetting his appetite for the academic endeavors that await him. What started out as a good idea slowly grew into a soul-enslaving demand as my fingers grasp more tightly on MY plan. Foolishly, I hadn't tallied the dollars this would cost our cash-strapped family. I also wasn't willing to admit that I was committing one of the cardinal sins of short-sighted, instant gratification parenting - swapping the big, glorious event for the mundane moments.

I am so accustomed to this M.O. of mine that I didn't recognize it until it was too late. I unleashed a Veruca Salt-worthy tantrum on Phil complete with sobs and stomping foot (even more ghastly is that I resembled VS in my early years...) delaring that I wanted a night out, I wanted a fancy experience - honoring Jake was out the window as I spewed my true intentions - I WANTED WHAT I WANTED.

Throw into the mix that God has been pricking me with the reality that my relationship with my son isn't where I want it to be. I have been free with criticism and stingy with encouragement. I have not been building him up as I ought and I awoke to the fact that I was pinning my hopes on "fixing" this problem by applying a fancy-night-in-a-hotel bandaid. I was less interested in repenting and walking the long, hard road of perseverance to pour into my kids on a daily, hourly basis. I wanted 24 hours of glitz to tie the relational strings that I hadn't been careful to tie in the past few months.

After more shed tears (this time, softly flowing from a contrite heart), I did what I should have done to begin with - I prayed. God used a friend's kind but firm words (it was actually she that coined my sin a spoiled brat tantrum!) to stir an idea that is so much richer and deep than even a penthouse splurge. I spent the next few hours pouring over my old journals, copying words I had written to him over the course of his life. I remembered God's faithfulness to my son and to his forgetful mother. I reminisced about wonderful times of joy we have had. I reveled in the young man that I see God growing. I was reminded of the power of the Holy Spirit that resides in both Jacob and I to reveal sin and redeem our lives. I can't wait to give him his gift - I am thankful to the Giver of ALL Good gifts for this lesson and for my son.

Ala Carte or Smorgasbord?

2009-10-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law came up with a great education analogy that I have her permission to share. I think it is a good way to think about how and why we educate our children the way we do.

Let me preface these thoughts by saying I have never been a die-hard, "homeschool or you're going to hell" sorta woman. In fact, God called me to homeschool my kids much to my dismay initially. I was really looking forward to some ME time. But, He had other plans for my days. He wanted me to die to myself and my plans and plunge headlong into the sometimes thrilling, sometimes painful world of schooling my children at home. Even "Homeschooling" is a misnomer because I am often not home. On any given day, my children and I can be found perusing shelves at the library, visiting at a friend's house or scouring for a deal at Goodwill. By labeling myself as a "Homeschooler" - I simply mean that Phil and I are the primary decision makers about and implementers of an education plan that we have chosen for our kids uniquely.

Homeschooling is a bit like dining at an Ala Carte restaurant. We compose the menu of our children's education from the thousands of resources available - focusing on specials, recommended items and eating more of one course than another. We look at and decide upon each course based on our families priorities, each child's strengths and weaknesses and sometimes, what is available to us in the convenient, drive-thru version.

Schooling outside the home (be it public or private) is a bit more of a Smorgasbord - Old Country Buffetish, if you will. In one place, a child gets what is available to consume - all of the courses chosen by the assigned teacher or group of professionals designing the curriculum. Often, the options are pre-determined but varied and more easily accessible than going Ala Carte - a definite plus for many families.

There is no one right way to get your child's belly full of food when it rumbles and no one right way to fill your child's appetite for learning. I would simply pose to you:

If you grew up eating at only one restaurant, have you considered branching out?
What menu is God asking your family to dine from?
Is their hunger for knowledge being satisfied with nourishing meals?

My Son, My Church Become Teenagers

2009-10-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

This month marks 2 major milestones in my life that cause me to pause and reflect, stirring my heart to gratitude and deeper levels of trust in God. Mars Hill Church and my son both turn 13. Ahhh, the Teen Years. Many of us remember that awkward, glorious coming-of-age season of life with mixed emotions. What will they hold for these two creations of God that I hold so dear?

I remember it well - the fall of 1996 brought many exciting changes to our lives. Phil and I were entering parenthood for the first time as MH was officially launching itself as a "Gen X Church called to the city of Seattle". I had no idea what was in store in either realm - motherhood and membership in a fledgling church palnt. Over the years, I have witnessed God grow, prune, redeem and shower His grace upon my son and His Church so many times that it simply brings me to my knees in worship.

As I look back, I recognize that both have grown in humility, maturity and influence. My son is becoming a young man who understands that being a godly man involves service, sacrifice and strength. My church is becoming a body of believers that understands the cost and joy of truly being a disciple of Christ.

As I look into the future, my hopes and prayers for my son and my church are similar.

1. Keep making it all about Jesus. You have both been given much and much will be expected as you carry out the call that Christ has laid before you.
2. Keep entrusting yourselves to the One who does not change. The teen years are filled with identity crises - change is inevitable. As you look to Jesus, the Author and Perfector of your faith - you will remember who you are and what you are about amidst the clamor.
3. Keep believing that He will redeem. The next few years will hold both the utter thrill of enjoying God's grace and the exhausting trial that living in this broken, fallen world undoubtedly brings. God's promise to you both is that He will conform you to the image of Christ in all circumstances.

I have no doubt that God has brought each of you to where you are today - the exact place and time chosen by Him for His good purposes before Creation. That I get to be a mother and member fills me with great joy and a profound sense of responsibilty.

Happy Birthday Jacob and Mars Hill Church!! I daily thank God that I have been blessed with each of you in my life.

Giving Birth to Sin

2009-10-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

James 1:14-16 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers.

In the Smidt household, we have been talking about evil desires that give birth to sin and the trouble that results from feeding that sin. James uses interesting imagery by pairing our sin with giving birth. Phil harkened back to the creepy abdomen baby of Total Recall but for the chidlren's sake, I toned down the object lesson. The change we see happen in Jack Jack from the Incredibles will have to suffice.

We cannot be deceived - we must be vigilant. This is a call to FIGHT! The seemingly harmless, somewhat fleeting thoughts that enter our minds each day that tempt us to sin are not sinful. We are all tempted - Jesus was tempted. The problem is when the adorable, innocent enough looking "baby temptation" is taken into our care to be coddled, fed and burped. We believe ourselves strong enough and smart enough to know our limits but we are playing with fire. Before we know it, we've been lulled into caring for and protecting a sinful desire that is now eating us out of heart and home. We have nurtured and elevated the desire to a ruling passion in our lives. If we do not turn from it and worship our Lord, we will be consumed by the fire much like our cute little Jack Jack friend turns molten.

Do you have sin swaddled, fed and tucked into the cradle of your heart? Do not be deceived - if you are a Christian - YOU ARE DEAD TO SIN - live like it! If you are not, I urge you to trust Christ right now - it is a matter of Life and Death.

Kindness Kills

2009-10-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

Romans 2:4b ....God's kindness leads you toward repentance

I know, it sounds strange - totally paradoxical - how does kindness kill? Before I answer my own question (which may be your question), let me describe the certain death that harshness delivers to its recipient.

Harsh words and tone of voice are well-worn weapons in my arsenal of relating to others. When I am feeling insecure, annoyed or displeased, the contempt in my demeanor spews at the victim like a spurting artery. I am quick to speak, slow listen and adept at diminishing my perceived enemy to a stunned and silenced soul. Yes, I am aware that that response is completely the opposite of what we are taught in James. It leaps out of my heart before my lips can close. When correcting my 3 year old daughter with that unpleasant tone and reminding her we don't speak harshly, she looked me squarely in the eyes and said, "What about your harsh heart?" Nailed it.

Harsh words kill intimacy. They murder trust and bury warmth in relationship under a pile of fear, anger and sadness. I can see the pain and confusion spill from my family's eyes when they receive my wrath. Herein lies the paradox.

Kindness also kills. First and foremost, God's kindness towards us killed His Son. He lovingly offered His Son on the cross to cover for the atrocities of our sin - harsh words and deeds alike. Kindness also kills harshness. My husband tells me that nothing disarms him and leads him to humility and godly sorrow more than a kind word or gesture from in the midst of an argument. I'm sorry to say he is probably a bit Pavlovian in his response to me during conflict after years of harsh responses. He is prepping for the onslaught and I am seeing some glimmers of hope - I am not unkind every time. Hmmm...that same kindness that God shows me TIME and TIME again when I sin is being extended to my husband and my kids. My kindness kills defensiveness and offers grace. It rescuciates relationship with gentleness. It leads me and those I love to the foot of the cross where God's kindness pours out like a fountain and we can all repent.

WOW - what a concept.