coming home

The One Question You Must Ask

Do you have things that stay with you for a long time? Like a tune that keeps running through your head or a whiff of cinnamon that reminds you of Sunday morning sweet rolls or words of wisdom from someone you trust? I have a key question that stays with me from a graduate course on Family Systems that I took with Dr. Ray Becvar at St. Louis University. Dr. Ray had been a bachelor for most of his adult life, devoting himself to research, teaching and mentoring doctoral candidates. But finally a charming younger colleague caught his eye and he married Dorothy.

I like to think that becoming a husband softened him and grew his understanding of the challenges marriage brings. What I know for sure is this: he posed a pivotal question that still helps my marriage today and that I have shared with hundreds of client couples. Dr. Ray taught us to ask ourselves, “What am I like to come home to?”

It is such an important question because it shifts our attention to our own attitudes and behaviors and how those affect our primary relationships. Take this mini-quiz. Am I:

a) cranky/bitchy/critical/hurt/withdrawn/resentful?

b) indifferent/can’t be bothered/caught up in other tasks?

c) warm/affectionate/happy-to-see-you/how-was-your-day/let’s catch up?

What it means if your answer is usually:

a) You are playing out emotional drama too often. Your partner probably finds it (and you) draining and exhausting. These behaviors create a home full of stress and tension. You may notice that your mate starts coming home later and later, or finds more outside activities to do without you. Make a real effort to drop the drama and restore the connection. Maybe it’s time to seek help and learn more constructive communication and conflict-resolution skills.

b) The life energy is being sucked out of your relationship. A plant cannot survive without water and your marriage cannot survive without an infusion of caring attention. Indifference and low energy can feel like rejection to your partner. I would guess you seem more like roommates than soulmates. This pattern often occurs with busy kid-focused parents who don’t make time to nurture each other and their marriage. It also shows up when you have a soft addiction to work or social media.

You need some high-energy fun, laughs together, shared activities (kid- and family-free) and a regular date night. And every day, you need to drop what you’re doing and hurry over to welcome them home with a hug and a smile.

c) Yes! Good answer!!! “I’ll have what s/he’s having.” You get it and you are practicing good partner care and nourishment. Keep up the good work.

This applies equally to the person who is arriving home. Then the question becomes, “Who is coming home?” Think about it. Are you dragging in the worries and frustrations of your day or annoying traffic? Do you have a coming-home ritual that excludes your spouse, like playing with the dog, checking mail, changing your clothes? Did you just run over a skateboard and trip over three pairs of shoes, so you are ready to let someone have it?

Of course that will get your evening off to a really bad start. The best answer is still “c.” Take a deep breath, sit in the car a moment to decompress and then bring your best self through that door. Start with a few minutes of good positive connection. “Hi honey, I’m home.” And make them glad to see you.

–by Janna Becherer, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist

Resolving a Conflict

Have you ever noticed that the word “resolve” includes the word “solve”? When you disagree, have different agendas, or apparently incompatible beliefs about the same situation, solvingthe problem is paramount. Or sometimes we call it conflict resolution which suggests we need to look for a solution.

Over 80% of conflicts can be resolved when you follow these three steps:
1. Stop talking and write down (you can both do this) the problem. Be as specific and detailed as possible, including what you are most worried about.
2. Then brainstorm (again, you can do this separately) ways to address it. Come up with lots of possibilities because there are more than one.
3. Compare your lists and share your options. You can explain why you think each would work.
4. Decide on one to try and begin right away. You can add a time limit like “Let’s try your idea for a week and then discuss how it’s going.” If it’s working, great. If it’s needing work, review the lists and choose another to try.

–by Janna K. Becherer, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Dance as if no one is watching

2. Become your partner’s advocate. You are partners, not enemies. You are on the same team. Your spouse’s welfare, achievements and desire to realize dreams is your lifelong project. How can you show support and encouragement today?

3. Remember that your spouse is not you. Appreciate that you and your spouse do things differently and that is okay!!! It doesn’t make him or her wrong–really. Do your utmost to stay open and curious so you can discover what’s going on inside that head and heart.

4. Take a break from blame, shame and defensiveness. You will both enjoy the peace and harmony that results.

More to come!

There are three A’s worth their weight in gold and they apply to all of our relationships: Acceptance, Appreciation and Affection. When you receive these on a regular basis, you feel loved and well-cared-for. When you give these to your partner every day, s/he will be happy coming home to you. I first heard these from former radio host, Dr. Laura (Laura Schlesinger, author of The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands). She emphasizes how important they are to a successful relationship and I totally agree with her about this (although I disagree with her a fair amount, too, but that’s a different post.)

Acceptance means that you fundamentally accept your partner as a person. Deep down, you like him or her. It shows up: in the way you look softly into those eyes, in your calm, not harsh, tone of voice, and in your bemused smile when s/he indulges in that quirky habit. In her book The Divorce Remedy, Michelle Weiner-Davis says this often occurs in the fourth stage of marriage, “That’s just the way my partner is.” We don’t get as upset about things that used to frustrate us, we accept the other’s flaws knowing that they put up with ours.

Appreciation makes your partner feel good and conveys that you notice positive things about the other’s looks, words and behaviors. You say, “Gosh, you’re pretty!” or “Thank you. What a nice thing to say” or “I appreciate your emptying the dishwasher/folding the laundry/buying milk without my asking you.” It’s a compliment, an awareness, and a verbal hug all rolled into one. And you probably don’t need me to tell you that when you make your beloved feels good, s/he just might return the favor.

Affection encompasses actual hugs, cuddling, just thinking about you texts/emails and holding hands in public. It’s that smile across the room when you’re at a party or a shared “do you believe he said that?” look when you’re at a family gathering.

Showing affection meets our basic human need for touch without any strings attached. This distinguishes affection from foreplay, although at times it can be a precursor to sex. If you only use affectionate touch when you are hoping for sex, you may discover that your partner backs away or freezes. That’s because you are still using teenage methods with a grownup partner: your technique needs to catch up. What to do? Try thinking about it as a ratio. For instance, maybe “Jane” needs 5 affectionate hugs to every 1 foreplay hug. It’s worth experimenting to figure out the ratio that meets your partner’s need and you will know by the response you get.

Some of you may claim that you are just not affectionate or good at approval or appreciation either. While that may be true now, it shows up as a big gap in your relationship skill level. It may take practice, practice, practice. I hope you will practice because these are necessary skills to get even a passing grade, let alone straight A’s.

Flickr photo by riaskiff

I asked my friend Lisa what she’s learned in her 24 years of marriage. She certainly has figured out how to make love last. “To be kind,” she said. “It makes such a difference. When I was younger, I’d be on his case for so many little things: when he didn’t put something away right (that is, right according to me!), or when he would walk right by things that needed to be picked up, or when he wanted to watch a ballgame instead of hang out with me and go shopping. I know I made him feel really bad that he was continually doing stuff wrong. Why’d he put up with me?

Now, I am more generous of spirit. I quietly reposition the glasses in the cupboard if it pleases me, I will nicely pick up that can of tennis balls and stash it by his racquet, or I will ask him to put it away when he has a minute. Also, I have learned that I have a better time with less pressure to hurry when I leave him at home to cheer on his team and go off to shop in peace or meet a girlfriend.”

Has her shift changed how he acts towards her? I wondered. “Absolutely,” she claimed. “He’s more helpful, offers to do stuff for me and with me, and even encourages me to spend money on a new outfit. As I became kinder, he magically became easier to live with. Isn’t that so amazing?”

Well, maybe, maybe not so amazing. Although she may not realize it, Lisa is claiming her feminine power to make her life and her relationship satisfying and fulfilling. Awakening to your own Feminine Power is like Sleeping Beauty being kissed by the prince. Your eyes are opened, you sit up straight and you can make big things happen.

As women we have so much control over the emotional climate (kind or harsh, sunny or stormy) in our homes and we can wield this power with grace and substance. I love the definition of Feminine Power I learned from Dr. Judith Wright: “Taking an emotional charge and handling it responsibly.” In other words, we absorb the mood-triggering actions of our spouses and respond with clear, calm intent and focused actions. That’s how I want to live. Don’t you?

He–and the other people in your life–don’t dictate your moods. You do. Really. It’s a choice and since you are the producer and director of your life’s movie, you can play the scenes as you choose. Sure, hormones, lack of sleep and outside stress are factors, but do you want to let them win or do you want to stay in charge? I thought so. Yes, it’s frustrating when he doesn’t do things you’ve asked when you want them done. And it’s worse when you find yourself nagging about it because that doesn’t win his cooperation, just a tsunami of defensiveness. (“I was gonna do it. Geez. Give me a chance.”)

Try this at home this week:
1. Choose kindness towards your guy. What’s one small thing you could do that would please him?
2. Make your emotional climate forgiving, forbearing and forever (or the next 7 days) overlooking the undone.
3. Leave him in peace and be gracious about how he wants to spend his time. No pouting!
After seven days–every day, no exceptions–notice if your kindnesses rub off on him. If you are seeing little improvements, then continue for 21 more days.

Know that you used your Feminine Power to make this difference. Nice work!