Recovering from Abuse

It Shouldn't Hurt to Be Nice

2012-01-21T01:29:00.000-07:00

A great deal of our social programming works at turning us all into people-pleasing, insecure, doormats. I’ve worked really hard to derail that programming in myself, but now I’m seeing it in my son.

He’s eight years old and a very loving, compassionate little boy. He wants everybody to be happy. Unfortunately, he goes to public school with kids who come from dysfunctional and abusive families and they see him as an easy target. Don’t get me wrong, my son can defend himself when he really needs to, but most of the time he doesn’t.

Aside from being punished at school for defending himself, my son has learned that no one there will support him in stopping bullies. They just tell the kids not to do it again and the kids keep right on bullying. It seems like a hopeless situation for a child.

Like any child, my son also wants to be liked by the other kids. Some of the bullies consider abusive behavior part of playing. It’s what they experience at home so they think it’s normal. They only want to be friends with kids they can hit, kick, and push around. My son picked up on that fact pretty quickly.

It breaks my heart every time I hear another story about a boy hurting my son and he says, “But he’s my friend.” How can I get through to him that friends don’t treat you that way? I’ve tried teaching my kids by example how friends treat each other. I constantly remind them that no one has the right to put their hands on them or hurt them. I tell them they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

The sad truth is that many of our social institutions send constant messages that we have to take what is being dished out and not complain about it. We’re supposed to turn the other cheek, look the other way, don’t take it personally, and get over it. How on earth is a child supposed to learn to be a kind and respectful adult with this kind of programming? No wonder so many people think that being a nice person means being a victim, or at the very least a doormat.

Finding a Sense of Purpose After Abuse

2011-10-29T15:00:00.004-07:00

Many victims of domestic violence, or other forms of abuse, feel entirely worthless, that they have nothing to contribute. If you feel this way, I assure you that you do indeed have a purpose and value to contribute.

Those who told you that you were worthless did not know you. They couldn’t see you. They were wrapped up in their own feelings of worthlessness and projecting it onto you.

Knowing that we can help someone else, that we are helping someone, is a powerful way to boost our self-esteem and get motivated to move forward with our life. The first step is to recognize what we have to offer.

Many abuse survivors end up volunteering in shelters as a way to give back and support others. That could be anything from sweeping the floors, to filing, teaching interview skills, or providing transportation to interviews and jobs. Perhaps you could exchange child care for training or simply share resources and encouragement. It doesn’t have to be in a shelter and it doesn’t have to be just volunteer work. You have every right to be compensated for your skills, but volunteering can be a way to get started and further develop those skills.

As we think about what we can offer to someone else we begin to see our own value. We begin to feel our own worth and know that no one can diminish it. The more we feel this, the more capable we feel to step out into the world a make a new life for ourselves.

What are your skills and talents? How can you use them to support or encourage others?

The Power to End Abuse

2011-10-17T00:51:00.002-07:00

It is with great love and compassion that I, as an abuse survivor, share these words. I cannot stop abuse for anyone else; only for myself. In fact, no government, shelter, or activist has the power to stop abuse of anyone. The power to end abuse lies solely with each and every individual who now believes themselves to be a victim.

Our society has programmed us to believe that we are victims of others, of institutions, and of circumstances. It has benefited those in charge because it keeps people feeling helpless and powerless, so they are easy to deceive and control. It is not in the best interest of the very powerful in our society to have self-empowered citizens.

When we accept the belief that we are victims, we subconsciously claim that for our reality and life must show up to fulfill our belief. I’ve lived the truth of this statement over and over again. What I have only now come to understand on the deepest level is that when we see ourselves as victims we step out of the driver’s seat of our life and give all our power away, especially our power of choice.

The secret weapon of the victim program is blame and justification. That’s what keeps us locked into the role of a victim. On the surface it appears clear that one person, or institution, has mistreated another and we say the victim is justified in blaming the abuser. Yet blame and justification keep the victim in the role of a helpless victim. The only way out of this role is to break the blame habit.

No matter what has happened in our lives up to this moment, we can declare that from this moment forward we take full responsibility for everything in our reality, without judgment. That’s a big piece of the puzzle. It can be very easy to simply shift blame from others to ourselves. We must get out of blame altogether. We cannot change our lives as long as we give others the power over our lives by making them responsible for any part of it. When we take responsibility, we take back our power.

When we no longer believe ourselves to be a victim, abusers will find no space or opportunity to victimize us. They won’t even perceive us in their reality. There will be no “victim vibe” drawing them in. Even better, when we are no long living as victims ourselves, we will no longer be creating that consciousness in our children.

Social Victimization and the Message of Occupy Wall Street

2011-10-13T00:14:00.004-07:00

It’s really no wonder that domestic violence is so common in a society that victimizes its citizens as a matter of policy. We are constantly inundated with messages about how powerless we are, how the matters of our lives are not up to us. Our governments and big corporations not only treat us like ignorant, incapable children, but continually institute programs and policies to insure their absolute control over us.

It’s all a ploy to keep us in the dark, distracted, and out of our power, exactly as any abuser does to his/her victim. The fact is that we have been abused as a people by our social leaders for so long that most people have an unconscious belief that they are helpless, powerless victims. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The beauty of the Occupy Wall Street movement is the declaration by the masses that we will no longer stand by and be abused, especially by those who are sworn to serve us. I see a parallel with abusive families where the parent(s), the ones who’s job it is to nurture and protect the children, are the greatest source of harm to the children.

I believe in and support this nationwide, and beyond, movement out of victim-hood, but I also know that we each as individuals must stop allowing abuse on any level, from any person or organization. We are sovereigns, all of us. We are magnificent beings of infinite potential, and we all deserve to be honored and respected. We absolutely do have the right to demand honest, kind, and fair treatment … from everyone.

The door has been opened wide in the world for all people to declare, loud and clear, “I will no longer be a victim!”

YOU are Already Perfect

2011-10-11T00:12:00.002-07:00

From the minute we come out of the womb, we get constant messages about how we need to improve. If your family went to church, you likely heard that you were born a sinner, imperfect, and there’s nothing you can ever do on your own to be good enough. Only grace, which you may or may not get but certainly aren’t worthy of, can make you good enough for God. That is a complete lie! It sets us on a course of creating imperfection in ourselves and our world to support the false belief.

All our lives we’re told what needs improvement in us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Heck, we have a huge industry called "self-improvement." I couldn't begin to imagine how many teachers, authors, and speakers are out there telling us how to "fix" ourselves.

What if we're not broken or flawed at all? It is only this insistence on fixing what’s wrong with us that creates the illusion of imperfection. If we stop trying to fix ourselves our natural perfection will be revealed. Realize that you have been programmed from birth to believe that you need fixing.

Parents and teachers are quick to tell us what's wrong with us and how we 'should' be. Friends can put enormous pressure on us to fit in, letting us know when we are not worthy of approval or acceptance. Then we get into the workforce and find more things about us that are just not good enough.

Adult relationships can be the biggest reinforcement of early beliefs that we are faulty and insufficient, especially if we get into dysfunctional, co-dependent, abusive relationships. We tend to get into relationship with those who confirm what we believe about ourselves, so these destructive relationships are showing us how we regard ourselves.

Do you believe that there is something wrong with you, not good enough, broken, or bad? Please choose to see the falsehood of that belief and discard it. It’s just not true. You ARE already perfect!

You Are Enough!

2011-10-07T00:05:00.002-07:00

Right now, no matter who or how you are, you are enough. You don’t need to be smarter, more attractive, thinner, taller, or anything else you think you’re not. Who you are is enough of everything because all you have to be is you. You don’t have to live up to anyone's standards or expectations. You are here to be YOU and you do YOU perfectly!

So, take the pressure off yourself to constantly ‘improve.’
Relax and let yourself just BE. Doesn’t that feel good?! You can feel that good every day, a moment at a time. When you’re in the bathroom in the morning, look into your eyes in the mirror and say, “I am enough!”

Say it to yourself as you're drifting off to sleep. When you hear criticism, judgment, or blame, repeat it again even if you have to do it silently. Say it out loud to yourself while driving, cleaning, or doing yard work. If you catch yourself being hard on yourself, that's a perfect time to affirm, "I AM enough!" Resist the temptation to say, "I am good enough" because that gets into judgment and comparison, which is counter-productive.

I'd love to hear about your experiences and any shifts that occur after using this simple technique for a week. :)

What Would It Cost ... to Be Free?

2011-10-03T15:12:00.002-07:00

What are you willing to let go of to be free of hurtful relationships and live the life of your dreams? You can have anything you desire, but it’s going to cost you something.

A friend was in prayer on this very subject when a voice said to him, “What are you willing to let go of?” At first, he thought it was about giving up material things to pursue his dreams or letting go of relationships. When he told me about it, I received guidance to tell him that it has nothing to do with material things.

What we have to give up is what we’ve used to identify ourselves. We have to let go of our fears and old programs. Judgments, attachments, and resistance need to go, too. No part of being a victim is who you really are. Do you have unresolved or suppressed guilt, shame and anger? You can’t take that with you into the life of your dreams. They don’t fit. YOU don’t fit in your ideal life when you’re holding onto those things.

I was the middle child in a dysfunctional family. Everybody picked on me and I got blamed for everything. That programming came with me into adulthood, along with heavy doses of guilt, shame, fear, and resentment. All of that became part of who I am, in my own mind. They were part of my identity. In the truth of my being, the me that fits into my ideal life, none of that is true. It’s not who I am. As long as I carry those self concepts, I can’t live my ideal life. I have to let them go.

What emotions or memories are you carrying as part of who you are? You can write down or think about everything that defines you and your role in life to discover all that you're holding as part of your identity that is 1. not true, and 2. preventing you from changing your life. Attachment to material things can also limit us, but not nearly as much as attachment to resentments and judgments.

How we judge other people gives us a look into how we judge ourselves. We need to look at them and clear them. Who we really are is something we experience. Judgment only comes into play when we are not being our real selves.

How we judge situations gives us clues to our relationship with life and what we believe about how life treats us. Those judgments and beliefs must be cleared and released before we can realize the life of our dreams.

So, what does it cost to have your ideal life? Everything that hurts you and everything that says you are less than the perfect, infinite being you are. That’s what you have to give up. Are you willing to start now?

What If You Didn't Judge Yourself?

2011-09-29T12:05:00.002-07:00

(See the story of this kitten at the end of the post)

We all know what it feels like to be judged by others, and it doesn't feel good. That's actually kind of tricky. When the judgments of others hurt us, it's because we are judging ourselves and their judgment found resonance with our own. That's where the pain comes from. It's the waking up of our own self-judgment.

Have you ever noticed how much you judge yourself? It’s easy to see all the ways other people judge us. We’ve experienced it our whole lives. What about the ways we judge ourselves in our head? Just try looking in a mirror and not thinking anything judgmental! Judging ourselves is a form of self-abuse. Haven't we had enough abuse?

I’ve known for a long time that I still judge myself, and pretty harshly at that. It’s taken quite a bit of work to cut back on that, but it still happens. Judgment seems to run on auto-pilot because I’ve been doing it for so long. Becoming more aware of my thoughts and emotions has helped put a stop to some of it but not all. Then I asked a question.

Who would I be without judgment? The answer didn’t come right away so I kept asking. I probably asked about 10 times over the course of 2 days. I was driving back from town today, not thinking about much more than putting groceries away and doing laundry, when the answer began to show itself. It wasn’t until after a couple hours of writing that I realized that I had experienced the answer to my question.

Who we are without judgment is whole, healthy, wise, creative, playful, and unlimited. We are beings of pure consciousness, expanding with each new experience and awareness. When we judge ourselves, or anything else, we create distortions of the truth within us, and that’s painful. In energetic terms, a distortion of truth causes dissonance in vibration. Think of an orchestra with one or more instruments playing off key. That’s what judgment does within us. The more we judge, the more disharmony we create.

What if you never criticized yourself again? What if you could look at everything in your life and let it be what it is without judging it? How much freer would you feel? How much happier would you be?
Who would YOU be without judgment?

The kitten in the photo was a stray that we took care of for a while. She had a broken tail, had been abused by several neighborhood kids, and we later learned that she was deaf. With all those imperfections and experiences of abuse, you'd think that she would be timid and defensive. She wasn't, at all. She was loving, affectionate, playful, and as confident as any palace cat. Why? The kitten did not judge herself. She was who she was, with no apologies required. In her mind, she was as perfect as any other cat.

Not Broken, but a Blessing

2011-09-25T13:43:00.002-07:00

Your presence on this earth is no accident. You were purposefully created for the specific gift that only you can give. Most of us are not here to do grand things or change the world in a dramatic way. Yet, by touching one life at a time we can make a lasting impact.

Every person to whom you extend kindness, compassion, forgiveness, or even a smile is lifted up because you were there. You may never know how deeply you affected someone just by being you, but know that everyone you encounter is blessed by your presence in their life.

You may feel at times that you are broken or defective, but I assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. Who you are, exactly as you are, is a gift.

Can you open your heart today and take this in? Will you allow yourself to feel that you ARE valuable and a contribution to the lives of others?

Gifts and Talents, Not Defects

2011-07-03T17:35:00.002-07:00

What if everything anyone ever said was wrong with you was actually a gift and talent that they didn’t understand? We live in a society that has established standards of how everyone should be, what is normal, and then tries to stuff all of us into predefined boxes.

Nature doesn’t make the plants all exactly the same or make any of them wrong for being different than others. Animals don’t appear to do that either. Humans seem to have a strange fixation on making everything stay within a limited range of how they expect things to be, especially other people.

Those of us who have gotten into abusive relationships thought so little of ourselves that we didn’t see how the other person diminished us, or didn’t know we had any other choice. I think a lot of that comes down to all the times someone pointed out what was wrong with us, how flawed we were.

When a doctor discovered that I am dyslexic, it was a diagnosis that there is something wrong with the way I see. Essentially, he and society said that I was made with flaws. I was lucky enough to find a specialist who explained that my eyes and optic nerves are not defective; they just work differently than most people. The same can be said for the way I see the world with the “eyes” of my mind and heart.

How have people made you defective? I invite you to look at every supposed fault or weakness and find the special gift or talent it is and how it makes you special, not broken.

Putting Down the Baseball Bat

2011-06-18T20:25:00.002-07:00

Living in an abusive relationship is living in constant judgment, criticism, rejection, and fear. It also has some nasty side-effects. In addition to hearing or repeating the abuser’s words in our head, we develop quite a few judgments of our own.

The first criticism is usually, “How could I be so stupid?!” We can be really harsh about the mistakes we made, starting with choosing that person in the first place. Then we get angry at ourselves for not seeing the early warning signs, for staying with the abuser, for forgiving them and giving them another chance.

Well, it’s time to put down the baseball bat! Stop beating yourself up. You’ve gotten enough of that already. The last thing you need right now is to become your own worst enemy. To the contrary, it’s time to be your own best friend.

Start with accepting the truth that you did the best you could with what you knew and where you were in consciousness in EVERY moment of your life. You really did, so give yourself a break. Now you’re here and it’s time to heal. That begins the moment you decide that you don’t deserve to be mistreated ... by anyone.

The next step is to become aware of the chatter in your mind. When judgmental thoughts pop up, tell yourself “that’s not the truth.” Catch your judgments of others too, because those are often reflections of something you judge within yourself. The less you judge, the more you will heal, and fall in love with you.

Do You Deserve to Be Punished?

2011-06-12T03:07:00.002-07:00

One of the foundational components of victim-consciousness is the subconscious belief that we deserve to be punished. It develops when we’re very young from believing those who told us then that we were bad, wrong, or otherwise not good enough. We took those words in and made them the basis of judgments about ourselves that can continue through adulthood.

As long as we believe on any level that we deserve to be punished, life will fulfill our belief. People will be drawn to us who are abusive in some way or circumstances will develop to give us the punishment we subconsciously believe we deserve.

Do you know if you have this destructive belief? If you’re not sure, look at your life. How do people treat you? How do situations work out for you? The evidence of our beliefs always shows up in our lives, and especially in our relationships.

Our ability to receive without guilt is a good indicator of our subconscious beliefs because if you believe you deserve to be punished you will not easily accept rewards, gifts, or even compliments. How do you feel when someone pays you a compliment? If it makes you uncomfortable, there is much more at work here than simple low self-esteem.

Those that punished you and convinced you that you deserved it could not see you for who you really are. They were simply passing on what was taught to them because they didn’t know what else to do. You did not then and do not now deserve to be punished.

Please take into your heart that you have always done the best you could with what you knew in that moment. You are not here to meet the expectations of others or be controlled by them. You are here to show the world your own version of love in action.

Broken Pieces

2011-05-09T15:28:00.002-07:00

Sometimes our heart breaks open so that love can fill all the wounds we carry. Sometimes, our heart breaks open so love can show us who we are.

A child came to my door today. I didn’t know his name. He stood there trembling, tears streaming down his face, trying to speak while he held his head. He wanted to use my phone, but what he needed was so much more.

A gentle touch, a kind word, and to be heard… while we waited for the sheriff and paramedics to arrive. This 11 year old boy was beaten by his mother from head to toe. “It happens all the time,” he said, with staggered words through panicked breath. A glass of water and a hand on his shoulder were all I could offer. I wondered if he’d ever been touched by anything other than anger.

I wonder now if he’ll ever know the gift he gave to me today. A gift of service, yes, and the privilege of being there for another, but more than this. In the presence of his pain I felt my own. In his need for love I found more love in my heart than I knew was there. I have prayed for help and guidance to live as love more in the world and this child showed up to answer the call. His suffering broke my heart … open enough that love could rush in and fill all the broken pieces in it.

The boy will go live with his father now and the other kids may also. The mother was arrested when she went to the hospital. Will she ever see the healing that her kids can bring to her? Will she ever let her heart break open in the presence of their love? I don’t know. I do know that when our heart breaks it is an opportunity for healing and an invitation to show up as love.

Dismantling Victim Consciousness

2010-10-23T15:20:00.002-07:00

Once we accept that we experience being a victim because we have a consciousness of victim-hood, we are able to look deeply into ourselves for answers. We become empowered to find the root of that consciousness and clear it. By asking ourselves questions, we turn on the light of awareness in areas we may not have looked before. Our perspective becomes aligned with wisdom, rather than fear.

What if your intention for this life was to dismantle the victim consciousness matrix? What if you were so committed to this goal that you designed a life that would take you deep into the matrix in order to dissolve it from the inside?

Think about those questions and see if something inside you lights up. If this is true of you, who does that make you? Certainly not a victim, but a powerful and deeply compassionate being. I believe that many, if not all, of us who have lived in victim consciousness created the experience for this very reason. People have tried to break down the matrix from the outside, but it doesn’t work. You have to understand it, to be intimate with it, to be able to take out its operating system. Dissolve the core, and the matrix will crumble.

This perspective puts a whole different light on my experiences and the people who’ve contributed to them. Yes, contributed! How could I get deep into the matrix of victim consciousness without souls who were willing to show up as abusers? I wonder how much love and respect those souls had for me to be willing to play such a painful and difficult role in my life in order to help me accomplish my goal. It makes forgiveness a moot point. There’s nothing to forgive when I realize that every act was in service to my goal.

Review of Rising from Ashes

2010-08-02T10:53:00.001-07:00

Thank you, Michael, for this wonderful review!

Rising from Ashes, July 22, 2010

By	Michael D. Lawrience "Holistic Health Practit... (Sedona, Az) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Rising From Ashes (Kindle Edition)

Rising from Ashes portrays a life journey out of abuse and victim-hood back to self-empowerment and self-love. Jacqueline spent a major portion of her life in abusive physical, sexual, emotional, and mental relationships, as well as being tripped up - sabotaged - by her unconscious belief of being "not good enough." All this resulted in physical and emotional pain and suffering. How many of us hide from our feelings - our pain - and put up with abusive codependent relationships which only aggravate our suffering? In such a relationship with ourselves, no healing occurs. Jacqueline through her efforts and healing, as well as Divine Grace, began a journey of recovery in spite of the circumstances. Meditation, forgiveness of her partners as well as herself helped. At some points she surrendered to the Divine as well as engaged in much self-inquiry into her past life and her un-conscious negative self-talk. Most importantly, Jacqueline began a journey from lack of loving herself back to self-nurture and feeling worthy. If you identify with Jacqueline's story, read this book and allow it to inspire you to begin your own healing journey. Michael David Lawrience

"I Love You," and other Lies

2010-06-20T15:23:00.002-07:00

No, this isn't about all the people that have lied to you. It's about all the lies we tell to keep the peace, to stay safe. Today is Father's Day, for those who celebrate fake holidays created by greeting card companies. Anyway, it got me thinking about the father, brothers, and husbands who are not a part of my life. I lied to them for years just so they wouldn't be mean to me, to stay safe. My father wanted to hear that he was smarter than everyone else, a great father, and that we loved him. Those lies got us temporary acceptance, so it was worth it. My mother taught me well to tell people what they want to hear, not the truth. Oh no, never the truth!

The truth in our house would bring instant wrath! If you told the truth about not knowing an answer, you were called stupid. If you told the truth about feeling sad, you were a weakling or crybaby. If you told the truth about disagreeing with my parents ... well, you could count on being humiliated in front of everyone. For many years, it was extremely difficult for me to disagree with anyone openly for fear of being punished in some way. Lying was a necessary part of life. That doesn't mean it was easy.

Sure, it was a habit that became quite a skill, but it hurt me inside. It bothered me on every level that I had to lie to someone I 'loved' in order to be loved and accepted in return. When I stopped lying to my husband, our marriage was over. My ex-husband wants to believe he's a great father, an epic father, but knows deep in his heart that he is far from it, so he needs to hear that lie to be happy. Keeping him happy was important not only for my happiness, but also for my kids so I bought Father's Day cards every year from each of the kids, and me, that told the big lie for us. It worked, and still does. I don't lie to him anymore because I know there's nothing he can do to me, but the kids still do. I taught them well. :(

Fortunately for my kids and his, I started speaking the truth before we split up and now his oldest is telling the truth, even when her father doesn't like it. My son, who is only 6, doesn't like to lie but doesn't want to hurt anyone either so he's developed the skill of avoidance or changing the subject. He loves his father, but doesn't like the way he is, so my son focuses on the positive or stays out of the conversation.

One of the most empowering things I did in my life is decide not to lie to anyone for any reason. I don't say, "I love you," unless I mean it. I don't say things to soothe anyone's ego or keep the peace. There are times when I say nothing because I don't want to be hurtful or I know the truth would fall on deaf ears, but I don't lie. It's just not worth what it does to my soul.

Letting it All Out

2010-06-14T12:37:00.002-07:00

I was so happy for my daughter yesterday. It's been two years since her step-father left and she finally let all her feelings about our time with him out. My son was throwing himself a little pity part and it activated a lot of repressed emotion for my daughter. We've had lots of talks where I told my kids they could say anything, but my daughter always held back. She felt vulnerable and didn't want to look at her anger or disappointment.

For the first year, her step-father was great with her but all that changed when I was pregnant with my son and had a lot of health challenges. My ex had no patience for illness, and no compassion. What I didn't realize right away was that some of the frustration he wasn't taking out on me got unleashed on my little girl. My ex had 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy.

The girls had become best friends with my daughter in daycare and that's how we met. In the beginning, my ex treated my daughter like one of his own. Then she became the unwanted step-child. He was cold to her and always accused her first of anything the kids did wrong. He never apologized when he was mistaken. He punished her for things she didn't do because his son, my nightmare, said she did them. When we split up, my ex took his kids and my son to ballgames, picnics, and out for pizza all the time. Sometimes while we were still married he did things with his kids but not with my daughter. She was left out and rejected at every turn.

I thank God that I ended that marriage when I did because it was hurting my daughter so deeply. The clearing that she went through yesterday was wonderful because she didn't hold anything back. She just let it all out and I didn't interrupt her or offer a different perspective. Once all the anger and tears had been allowed to flow, she relaxed and enjoyed the rest of her day. She finally released the pain she'd been holding deep inside and setting it free set her free.

It's important for us to do this, too. What we hold inside continues to hurt us but when we let it out we can be free of it.

Breaking Free from Sabotage

2010-06-10T14:12:00.002-07:00

This is a guest post from Michael David Lawrience of Emotional Health Tips. I found it to be of great value and hope that you do as well.

When we want to improve our lives, we set an intention of what we would like and then we look for results. We may have visualized the result and taken some actions. Why do our intentions fall short of our desired results? Maybe it’s a little thing called counter intention.

Counter Intention is a belief buried in our subconscious mind, which we hold in direct opposition to our conscious intention. We may for example have intent to weigh less. In the subconscious, we may have a belief if we look good and attract more partners than we will have to be more intimate, yet we fear intimacy. So which intent will win?

Our subconscious or counter intention always wins because it has the greater power. The conflict sets up an energy block within us and since our subconscious has the greater power, we end up getting the opposite of our conscious intent. The energy system within our body changes polarity – a Psychological Reversal.

All self-sabotage results from Psychological Reversal. We can compare Psychological Reversal to positive and negative batteries in a flashlight. They need proper installation for the flashlight to work. Polarity change means the positive and negative energy systems in our body have switched which creates the opposite of our conscious choices. Psychological Reversal occurs when our subconscious mind believes it is better for us to keep our chronic pain, extra weight, or bad habit rather than change.

The following explains in brief detail how our inner child, Shadow, or victim consciousness may sabotage our success. Cathryn Taylor a counselor and author of The Inner Child Workbook explains how our inner child can sabotage us. Our inner child sabotages our efforts to succeed in an attempt to protect us from failure . . . it fears our success! It fears our being too powerful. It is frightened we will get hurt.

Letting Emotions Flow

2010-05-30T17:34:00.002-07:00

For the past few days, every time a closed my eyes, I saw myself telling my father what I really think of him. It's not pretty. Old anger started seeping through a crack made by stress in my present day life. I've done so much work with acceptance and forgiveness that at first I was really surprised. I thought all that stuff was healed and cleared. Then I started judging myself for not thinking or feeling in a very 'spiritually mature' way. That didn't feel much better.

With a nudge from Spirit, I remembered that there is nothing healthy about blocking - or judging - what I was feeling. I needed to relax my guard and let my emotions flow. I spoke out loud what I would say to my father if I was brutally honest. While it was all true, it was pretty harsh. I wouldn't actually say any of it to him because it would cause pain, and it wouldn't change anything. All it would do is make me just like him. That's not who I want to be. It's not who I am.

Letting it all out without hurting anyone in the process was good therapy, and I feel better. It cleared the air inside my heart and consciousness. It made a space that I can now fill with Light. My wounded inner child was finally heard.

At this moment, what I dwell on is up to me because the thing that was screaming for my attention got set free. I also re-learned a valuable lesson. Blocking or denying emotions causes much more pain than expressing them. Setting free what is simmering within us sets us free.

It's NOT OK

2010-05-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

Victimizing others is not ok, on any level, at any age. I’ve had experiences recently that invited me back into victim-hood but that’s not a role I’m willing to assume any more. I’m also not going to allow society to make victims of my kids.

My son is in kindergarten. Two boys who were in an argument with my son decided to get him in trouble so they told the teacher he did something that he did not do. No adult saw it and there was no evidence of it. The school decided to convict my son based solely on the word of two other 6-year-olds. His punishment was a full day of in-school suspension.

I spoke with the principal and explained to her why it was impossible that my son did what he was accused of. I pointed out that there was no evidence against him. She wouldn’t budge. The message the school is sending to all the kids is that it doesn’t matter whether you did something or not. If another child accuses you, you get punished. Bullies are taking full advantage of this system and using teachers to do their dirty work. I took my son out of school.

Kids are not being given the right to stand up for themselves in school. Teachers and administrators just don’t want to hear it. It’s much easier to punish a child than to get to the truth. I’ve taught my son to take responsibility for his actions but he does not have to surrender to judgment and punishment when he has done nothing wrong. The same is true for adults.

I’m saying no to bullies today, no matter how old they are or what position they hold. No bullies. No victims.

Opening Old Wounds

2010-04-09T20:25:00.001-07:00

Today is my daughter's 13th birthday. She has friends over and they've been playing inside and out all day. Then they decided to take a walk in the desert near our home. I was fine with it because we take walks out there all the time. My daughter said she'd be home by 6pm. I had dinner to prepare and her cake to decorate, as well as some work to finish. At 6:30 with dinner getting cold I started to get frustrated, then concerned.The girls finally came home at almost 7:00. Another girl in the neighborhood had been chasing them further out into the desert ... with a group of boys in tow. Nothing happened and the girls are fine, but it brought back the memories of what happened to me. I was 13 and trusted kids my age. One of those trusted friends led me to a group of boys that were waiting in the woods to have some fun with me. I was so naive, just like my daughter. Seven boys molested me, held down at each hand and foot. It hit me hard when I realized what could have happened to my daughter ... at the same age. She knows about what happened and we've talked about it before, but you better believe we talked about it again. She won't go walking in the desert again without me. It's not that I'm paranoid, but I'm not willing to see my daughter go through what I did. She needs to know what to be aware of and what to avoid. Unfortunately, there are kids who think it's fun to set someone up and watch them get beat up ... or worse. My daughter needs to develop discernment and that will take time.

What Do You Really Want?

2010-04-05T00:12:00.001-07:00

One of the toughest questions for many of us to answer is, “What do you want?” For many years, my answer depended on what my husband wanted or what I thought others expected me to say. I became so good at it that when I whole-heartedly asked that question of myself I couldn’t answer it.

Do you know what you want? Do you know how you want to feel? Really think about it, letting go of any fears that someone will judge you for your answer. This is about what is in YOUR heart. That’s where you’ll find the answer.

What ever your answer is, its perfect for you. The most challenging part of this process is silencing the voice of fear and doubt that almost immediately tells you that you can’t have what you want. It says you’re not worthy of it, you don’t deserve it, or that you’re not capable of creating it. Those are all lies.

What your heart wants will never put you in danger. It will always be what supports you, nurtures you, and sets you free. What fear wants is to keep you small and powerless, and its very sneaky about how it does that. One of it's favorite tools is telling you that you don't deserve what you want. The way to get past the fear is to tune into your heart. Give it your full attention and tell the voice of fear to sit down and shut up.

In your heart you will find not only what you truly want, but also clarity about what hurts you and limits or denies your happiness. It’s the greatest and most reliable tool you have. Empower yourself. Get to know your heart.

Being the Witness of Abuse

2010-03-12T01:12:00.001-07:00

One of the hardest things for me is seeing other people living as victims and allowing harsh treatment. It hurts to see them in pain, living in constant fear, and to know how bad they feel about themselves. I wish I could take them by the hand and help them heal, to create a happier way to live, but I can't. It used to be hard to see because it reminded me of my own experiences and brought to the surface those things that still needed to be healed. Now its more that I know they don't have to live that way. No one deserves to be abused. No one. A lot of people don't know that. They really believe that they deserve to be punished and others believe that they have the right (or duty) to punish someone. I created that in my life for years until I realized that it was all based on false beliefs and other people's incorrect ideas. It took a lot to heal. The joy and peace I experience now is something I wish everyone could know, but they have to choose it for themselves. The self-awareness I've gained through my journey of healing has been so empowering. I have to remember that and realize that others are giving themselves that same gift, in their own time. I could not have gotten to where I am if someone came along, waved a magic wand, and made all the hurt disappear. Every step was necessary. Witnessing victim consciousness is still tough, but I have to give others the space to walk their own healing journey.

Forgotten Pain

2010-02-25T14:28:00.001-07:00

I was editing some of my pages today, reading old articles. It was like reading someone else’s story. The events of my past register as part of my experience, but the pain of those times is gone. It’s not hidden, buried or denied. Its just not there anymore. This is the place that I wanted to get to when I started digging into my memories to heal the past. I wanted to be able to look on past experiences without reliving the pain. Being here now feels strange. It’s not the numbness I used to have, but a gentle and compassionate acceptance. I guess it took me by surprise because at some point I stopped wishing I was somewhere else and started working with where I was. I couldn’t tell you when it happened, but there was a moment that I let go of the dream of a peaceful future me when I would be healed of all my painful memories. That’s probably the moment when the actually healing began. Now here I am in a peaceful me that I wasn’t even sure was possible. I don't feel broken any more, or inherently flawed. There were countless times that I didn’t think I was making any progress, but there were also epiphanies and great leaps in awareness. The road has been anything but straight, winding through jungles of doubt and over mountains of fear. I know I’m a long way from done, but it feels good to pause and take in the scenery. It feels good to see and acknowledge how far I’ve come. I am so grateful in this moment that I never gave up. :)

Building Self Love

2010-01-30T01:12:00.001-07:00

Developing a genuine love for ourselves is a great challenge for most people, even more for abuse survivors. It’s also the key to healing. The first step is willingness and the decision to learn to love yourself. That opens the door and begins the process. Since actions speak louder than words a powerful way to develop self-love is by doing things that nurture and support you. Do you have things you do regularly as a way of expressing kindness, caring, and appreciation to yourself? Shopping is one way that a lot of people spoil themselves, but you have to watch that it’s not an addictive or compulsive behavior and that you don’t use it to create guilt. You’ll get more out of a quiet walk in nature in a special place that clears your mind and lifts your heart. Make that time in nature a higher priority than anyone else for at least an hour. If you haven’t connected with friends for a while, that would be a great way to tell yourself that you deserve love. Instead of talking on the phone, schedule a time to meet with them in person and just enjoy their company. I bet you haven’t worn your finest or favorite outfit in a long time. You don’t need a special occasion to wear it because being you is special enough. Put on your most beautiful or special clothes and wear them for a few hours or all day, just because you’re special! See how good it makes you feel. When was the last time you prepared a particularly wonderful meal just for yourself? I was taught that cooking is a responsibility that a wife must accept and it's something you do as a duty to your family. As a result, I would not cook just for myself. One day I decided that I wanted a really nice meal, like I used to make for my ex-husband. I used the nice dishes and silverware, put flowers and candles on the table, and enjoyed a fine meal made just for me. One of my favorite ways to love myself is with self-nurturing. I take a long, lingering shower or bath with Lavender oil and then rub essential oils or lotion into my feet. Do this slowly and deliberately, like you would for someone you deeply love. As you massage your feet, appreciate them for all they've done for you. Let that love and appreciation extend to all areas of your body. You can come up with many more ways to treat yourself with loving kindness. Use your imagination and do the things that bring you joy.