Second Edition

For nearly a decade, The Addictive Personality has helped people understand the process of addiction. Now, through this second edition, author Craig Nakken brings new depth and dimension to our understanding of how an individual becomes an addict. Going beyond the definition that limits dependency to the realm of alcohol and other drugs, Nakken uncovers the common denominator of all addiction and describes how the process is progressive.

Through research and practical experience, Nakken sheds new light on:

• Genetic factors tied to addiction
• Cultural influences on addictive behaviors
• The progressive nature of the disease
• Steps to a successful recovery

The author examines how addictions start, how society pushes people toward addiction, and what happens inside those who become addicted. This new edition will help anyone seeking a better understanding of the addictive process and its impact on our lives.

Craig Nakken, M.S.W. a certified chemical dependency practitioner, is a lecturer at the Rutgers School of Alcohol Studies and the Florida School of Addictions. A worker in the field of addictions for more than 25 years, Nakken has a private practice in St. Paul, Minnesota and lectures nationally and internationally on topics related to addiction studies.

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Part of the awakening includes a new way of internally and externally handling events as they occur. We can learn to internally process the event differently so that it has a different meaning (thought), followed by a different internal action (emotion), and a different external action (behavior).

The process of this “event-changing” happens within us. The events do not change, my relationship to the events changes. Therefore, the challenge becomes about overcoming the internal conflict between the false self that is creating the misperceptions, and the Real Self that sees things as they really are.

You have already decided that you need to change and grow and you have a desire to do so. You have come to the realization that life doesn’t work using your current life coping strategies and you are convinced that you must do something different.

You have now started the process of searching for what works: connecting with a Power greater than yourself.

It is not appropriate for others to tell you who or what your Higher Power is or “should be.” It is your right and privilege to determine that, which is a big part of your spiritual journey. We believe that your conception of “God as you understand Him” is just as valid as anyone else’s.

Your success does not depend upon how you conceive of your Higher Power. It DOES depend upon the strength of your Spiritual Connection. Your ability to connect spiritually is Your Spiritual Journey and it is our mission to support you in strengthening that connection.

A good place to start is the Chapter 4 in the Alcoholics Anonymous book – ‘We Agnostics’ – especially page 55.

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To thine own self be true, Shakespeare

For better romantic and sexual relationships, be true to yourself

People in recovery from alcoholism, addiction or codependency will know the state of being separated from their ‘real’ selves. Its as if there are two people acting for you – your true self and a stranger. A feeling that probably extended the dysfunctional behaviour.

Be true to yourself, and better romantic relationships will follow, research suggests, thus improving sexuality.

A new study examined how dating relationships were affected by the ability of people to see themselves clearly and objectively, act in ways consistent with their beliefs, and interact honestly and truthfully with others.

In other words, the ability to follow the words of William Shakespeare: “to thine own self be true,” said Amy Brunell, lead author of the study.

Findings showed that college students who reported being more true to themselves also reported more positive dating relationships.

“If you’re true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships, and that’s going to make your relationship more fulfilling,” Brunell said.

The study appears online in the journal Personality and Individual Differences and will be published in an upcoming print edition.

Participating in the study were 62 heterosexual couples, all of whom were college students. The participants completed a long list of questionnaires in three separate sessions that took place about two weeks apart.

The first set of questionnaires probed how true participants were to themselves. This was measured through the answers to questions like “For better or for worse, I am aware of who I truly am.”

In the second phase, participants answered questions examining various aspects of their relationship functioning, including their willingness to discuss their emotions with their partner, and whether they kept secrets.

The third phase involved measures of relationship satisfaction and personal well-being.

Overall, the study found that both men and women who reported being more true to themselves also behaved in more intimate and less destructive ways with their partner, and that led to them feeling their relationship was more positive. In addition, they also reported greater personal well-being.

The study confirmed findings from other studies that show that when men or women act in constructive, healthy ways in a relationship, it increases their partners’ satisfaction with the relationship.

Brunell said being true to yourself doesn’t mean that you should accept all of your flaws and not try to make positive changes in your life. But you should be aware of both your limitations and areas where you can improve. One payoff could be better romantic relationships.

“It shouldn’t be a surprise, but being true to yourself is linked to having healthier and happier relationships for both men and women,” she said.

From a press release at Eurekalert

• See also
• Sensual Massage
• Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul
• Self-Help Books
• Mindfulness for Recovery
• The Guy in the Mirror

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I am responsible for steering my own ship

There is always a lot of talk about personal rights but every ‘right’ has a corresponding ‘responsibility.

This list may help educate people in 12 Step fellowships to determine appropriate attitudes to responsibilities.

• I am responsible for myself.
• I am responsible for leading or not living my life.
• I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being.
• I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs.
• I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve.
• I am responsible for my choices.
• I am responsible for what I give and receive.
• I am responsible for setting and achieving my goals.
• I am responsible for how much I enjoy life.
• I am responsible for how much pleasure I find in daily activities.
• I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love.
• I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me.
• I am responsible for my wants and desires.

All of me, every aspect of my being, is important.
I count for something. I matter.
My feelings can be trusted.
My thinking is appropriate.
I value my wants and needs.
I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment.
I have rights, and it is my responsibility to assert these rights.
The decisions I make and the way
I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem.
My decisions will take into account my responsibilities to myself.

From “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie

• See also
• Codependent No More
• Books for Pet Lover’s
• 4 Don’ts of ACOA’s
• Symptoms of Codependence
• What is Co-dependency?

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Animal hoarding

Hoarding is defined as the acquisition of, and inability to discard worthless items even though they appear (to others) to have no value.

Hoarding behaviors can occur in a variety of psychiatric disorders and in the normal population, but are most commonly found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Those people who report compulsive hoarding as their primary type of OCD, experience significant distress or functional impairment from their hoarding.

They have symptoms of indecisiveness, procrastination, and avoidance, are classified as having compulsive hoarding syndrome. An estimated 700,000 to 1.4 million people in the United States are believed to have compulsive hoarding syndrome.

More than a Hobby

Compulsive hoarding is not just an enthusiast’s passion for collecting stamps, dolls, or baseball cards. Neither is it someone who likes to “tinker,” and fix up old cars or broken furniture. People with compulsive hoarding syndrome may have immense difficulty throwing anything away, from the oldest paper clip, to a used food container, to an out-of-date newspaper, for fear that they might need those items in the future. Their homes are often full of stuff that the rest of us would call “junk.” The most commonly saved items include newspapers, magazines, old clothing, bags, books, mail, notes, and lists.

1. More at;
2. Children of Hoarders
3. Adult Children of Hoarders

• See also
• ACOAs – Vulnerable or Resilient?
• Adult Children of Alcoholic (ACOA)
• The Language of Letting Go
• HCIBooks “The Life Issues Publisher”
• Choc Chip Cookies

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The mess of hoarding

About growing up and adult children of hoarders (COH):

For many, growing up in an environment of constant chaos and disorganization has effects that go far beyond living amongst the accumulation of possessions or not being able to have friends over.

Our parents who hoard often hid behind closed blinds isolating themselves from the world outside.

Adult children of Hoarders  are just now finding our voices to speak up about growing up with our parents having a serious and very misunderstood disorder.

Lack of Insight – Denial

This is often the “elephant in the living room” that is not easily discussed, if at all. Compulsive Hoarders often lack insight to having a problem at all.  Children sometimes get blamed for the state of the house-that it’s their fault.  We knew we were “different from the other kids.”

Devalued Children

To a child’s mind, it can appear that the parent suffering from this disorder values and appreciates “things/objects/animals” more than the child.  It can seem that those “things”, and keeping the secret about the house, always comes before them.  This hurts.  Because this disorder is fuelled by anxiety, a Hoarder can express an extreme range of emotions when their things are touched or moved-this is difficult for a young mind to understand, especially when trying to “clean up to make things better.”

Self-esteem can be damaged.

Many of us as adults identify with numerous traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.

It’s not just about the “mess” to us.

Growing up where your authority figure has distorted thoughts about objects or animals (and often, co-existing personality disorders and/or extreme perfectionism standards, getting in trouble for throwing things away that most would consider waste, and being reprimanded by the parent-is confusing to a child.

• See also
• Online Videos by children of hoarders
• What is Hoarding?
• An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s Normal
• The Complete ACOA Sourcebook
• 10 Steps to Happiness
• 4 Don’ts of ACOA’s
• ACOA’s have Strengths as well

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“Seeking sexual satisfaction is a basic desire, and masturbation is often our first teen natural sexual activity. It’s the way we discover our eroticism, the way we learn to respond sexually, the way we learn to love ourselves and to build self-esteem.”  -Betty Dodson, renowned artist, author and sex educator

And, said Woody Allen, Masturbation! – “it’s having sex with the one you love.”

Many people in recovery from alcoholism, addiction, ACOA or co-dependency may not be in a sexually active relationship. Relations may need to be rekindled or new relationships may be needed. Additionally, many people may not want to endanger their new found sobriety by being involved in an emotionally charged relationship.

Masturbation is one of the most common sexual activities, and refers to self-stimulation of the sexual organs. What men and women learn about their own sexual responses through masturbation helps them provide information to their partners about what feels best during lovemaking.

Almost all men and most women, whether gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight, masturbate at some point in their lives, and the majority of us understand that it is a normal and healthy pattern of sexual expression.

Many of us grew up with a sense of guilt over the act, particularly if our parents made us feel it was something shameful or abnormal. But that shouldn’t stop you – it is a natural and arousing behaviour.

Masturbation is a great outlet for our body’s sexual responses, but in the end, whether you do it or not is up to you.

Masturbation is an excellent way of having frequent orgasms. Many women experience their most powerful orgasms through masturbation, and generally use what they have learned in pleasuring themselves to enrich the quality of their sex lives.

Both men and women sometimes fear that masturbation will lessen their desire to have sex with their partner. Studies, however, have shown that masturbation usually has a positive effect on sexual relationships. Also, men and women who have experienced orgasm through masturbation before having sexual intercourse for the first time often have less difficulty achieving orgasm with their partners.

Whatever self-pleasuring technique works best for you is what you should use. There are no rules in masturbation – only that you make it a private act (or with your partner) – and that no one dictates to you how often you indulge yourself – and that no one gets hurt.

Women generally masturbate by stimulating their clitoris and outer lips of the vagina. Some may use a vibrator or may insert an object such as a dildo into their vaginas for additional stimulation, although this is less common than direct stimulation of the clitoris.

Men generally circle their hands around their penises, and use an up-and-down motion to stimulate themselves. The speed of stimulation tends to increase as they approach orgasm.

For both men and women, fantasy often plays a role in masturbation. Stimulation by reading erotic literature or watching videos is also often a sensual aid.

You should be comfortable in doing whatever feels right for you and no one gets hurt.

See also;

• Women’s Sexual Fantasies
• 10 Masturbation Myths
• Say Yes to Your Sexual Healing
• What About This Spiritual Awakening Thing?
• A Woman’s Guide to Recovery

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The Lois Wilson Story

Available for the first time in paperback, the biography of one of the recovery movement’s most influential figures: Lois Burnham Wilson, creator of Al-Anon and wife of Alcoholics Anonymous cofounder Bill W.

Acclaimed author and screenwriter William G. Borchert explores the life and times of Lois Burnham Wilson, the spirited creator of Al-Anon and wife of Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder Bill Wilson.

From her privileged childhood in turn-of-the-century New York City to her socialite status as the ‘Wall Street Wife’ of the charismatic Bill in the roaring ’20s to the couple’s audacious cross country motorcycle excursions in the 1930s, Lois was every bit the adventure-seeker.

But nothing could have prepared her for the chaos, anguish, and loss caused by Bill’s seventeen-year descent into the depths of alcoholism.

In this moving story, Borchert reveals how the couple rose from a life of despair to institute one of the twentieth century’s most important social movements, and how Lois created a legacy of hope for millions of families devastated by addiction through her uncommon love and unshakable faith.

Borchert drew from a series of exclusive personal interviews with Lois Wilson to write this definitive biography.

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Alcoholics Anonymous ‘undrunk’ lifestyle

In this unprecedented book, A.J. Adams uses self-deprecating humor, entertaining anecdotes, and frank descriptions to introduce readers to the complete Alcoholics Anonymous ‘undrunk’ lifestyle.

Beginning with the story of his first AA meeting, he takes the mystery out what goes on behind closed doors, in order to encourage addicts who are reluctant to get help walk through them. “My eyes wandered around the room, taking in the strange collection of humanity seeking to claim me as a fellow sufferer. If variety is the spice of life, this crowd was the jambalaya of affliction.”

Adams addresses the journey through detox and treatment, offering his own struggle of coming to terms with his alcoholism. He then presents a user-friendly history and introduction to AA, the Steps and Traditions, all punctuated by honest descriptions of his own transformation to “getting” the program. Included are translations of AA lingo designed to put newcomers at ease.

Undrunk was written for reluctant newcomers and those who think they might have a problem, dispelling misconceptions that AA is cult-like, secretive, campy, earnest, religious, or lowbrow. It offers family members of alcoholics an accessible tool to encourage their loved ones to get help, and it gives AA members a handy means to encourage newcomers to come back.

Review; His book touched me because of its honesty and humor. I’ve been an Al-anon member for many years. I come from an alcoholic family and as they say in Alanon if you go to a party and there are only two alcoholics or co-dependents in the group the two just naturally are drawn to each other so I also have many alcoholic and co-dependent friends — some recovering and some active.

What I have always enjoyed about my AA friends and family is their great sense of humor about their disease and recovery. That is precisely what I loved about this book. Adams not only gives us a sober look into the mind of a practicing alcoholic, the detox process, and recovery through AA but he does it with a great sense of humor.

I’ve found many recovery books to be a little heavy and intimidating. Undrunk is not. Most people have absolutely no idea what to expect when they attend their first meeting. I think Adams’ book gives the reader a good feel as to what to expect from AA. Speaking from personal experience in attending open AA meetings, I have always found the unexpected — camaraderie, intelligence, humor and great fun. Adams shows us that.

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Undrunk; A Skeptics Guide to AA

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“Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little.

The Higher Power will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to Higher Power as you understand Higher Power. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May the Higher Power bless you and keep you – until then. (pp 164)”

• See also;
• Maturity of Mind Through a Spiritual Awakening
• What is alcoholism?
• Wellbriety for Native Americans
• Sober But Stuck
• Learn to recognize stress

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