Recovery Rant

Great Article on Working a Program

2007-05-02T09:29:00.000-05:00

Why People Don't Recover

I have recently heard some statistics that bothered me a bit. Apparently, the recovery rates of those people who join AA are around 7-8 %. If I remember right, that was the percentage of people who stayed sober for a year of more. I find this statistic shocking because from what I understand, the recovery rates of the people who came to AA in the 1940’s were somewhere around 75%.

Now I have no hard factual case studies to back up the opinion that I am about to give except that of my own personal experience. My experience tells me that everyone who practices the principles set forth in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous gets sober. Not only do they achieve sobriety but they learn to excel in life. [full story]

1st Step: Desperation

2007-04-20T10:16:00.000-05:00

I went to my sponsor's home group last night and was fortunate to hear a guy's story that was celebrating one year clean. I love hearing gut honesty and that's what he offered. It was a strong message of recovery. What struck me the most, though, was his characterization of the first step as painful.

I remember working the first step with my sponsor. As I neared the point of moving to the 2nd step, I was feeling more and more empty. I felt terrible inside. I told my sponsor, and I remember him telling me, "Good. That means you're working the 1st step honestly."

"It's supposed to be painful," he said.

Often, I hear someone talk about how "easy" the 1st step was or how wonderful they felt after working the 1st step, and I always hear my sponsor's voice in my head. The first step, for me, was about admitting defeat, not by just saying the words, but getting honest about my actions, my obsessive/compulsive behavior, and recognizing the futility of my attempts to bargain with my addiction. Most importantly, it was about reservations. As I looked honestly at my reservations, my own level of denial and confusion troubled me deeply.

I'm grateful that the process of recovery is not about "being happy" or "feeling great" all the time. It's about getting honest and getting better. If it were easy it would mean nothing to me. Hell, if it were easy, I wouldn't be doing it. I'd probably still be using, or dead, or in jail. It's awfully hard to understand what joy and success are unless I know intimately what sadness and failure are.

Step 6

2007-04-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

The Steps...wow! I went over to my sponsor's house tonight to finish my step 6....that did not happen. We have been going over my step for a while and I thought I would be finshed tonight but oh well. I got angry, felt hurt, stupid, but yet hopeful. I told my sponsor I wanted to throw my book in the road and watch a semi run it over while I video taped it and all the while flipping off the camera. She said she was proud of me for being honest. I told her I wanted to say Fuck it all and she said that is good that you are being honest....and I understand. She said I could take a break, but I said I want to get better and I want to heal. She said that I was motivated and that made me very hopeful. She gave me a book to read about feelings. I have been writing paragraphs on thinking rather than feeling. I found out that I really don't know HOW to feel. I have been scared to feel...because of my past. My mom always told me to pretend that everything is OK. My dad felt so much that he killed himself. I then ask, where does that leave me?? I talked it over with my sponsor and we both think I can have my own beliefs on feelings, not mom or dads. I am going to list feelings to help me identify them with my character defects. I have hope that I will become the person that my HP wants me to be by feeling and working on this step. I have to remember NA is a simple program, but NOT easy.

Friends

2007-04-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

I cannot even....I don't know where to start. In recovery, I have met the coolest people and the best of the best friends I could ever ask for. I remember the times when people told me I was their friend and they thought I was great and they would always be there for me....they lied. Today, in recovery, I have so many wonderful people in my life that it brings tears of happiness and gratitude. Sometimes It overwhelms me and I ask myself If I deserve them. I love all of my friends and would NEVER have met them if I was not in recovery. Thank you NA and HP for introducing my true soulmates.

Swimming in the Deep End of the Cess Pool

2007-04-16T09:22:00.000-05:00

How quickly I can go from grateful to hateful never ceases to amaze me. I've just been in one of those funks lately where I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, nothing seems worthwhile, and it's so hard to see the joy in everyday life. I suffer from depression on a fairly regular basis- about once every 3-6 months whether I like it or not. But, I can honestly say that it's so much better going through it clean. The valleys are much lower, and I have tools and support to help me get through it.

I heard a newcomer share a few days ago that she was angry and confused. "I wake up in the morning and I have no idea whether I'm sad or happy." I knew exactly how she felt. I think for a lot of people, a statement like that would sound so foreign. How can you not know how you feel? But, I knew exactly what she means, as all addicts do. It gets frustrating sometimes. I want to be grown up. I want to embrace life and responsibility, but there is always this gravity pulling me toward something darker. On the days when I have the most using thoughts, it's never about the "good" times or having fun. It's always the path lined with razor-wire that entices me. . . telling me to come back where it's comfortable and I can be a victim.

So, last night I asked that my Higher Power take MY will and life, because that's the root cause. Usually, when I'm feeling so disillusioned it's because I'm confused about what I want and need. Nothing seems like enough. I'm scared or bored or tired or angry. What I have to remind myself is that I've never really been able to recognize what I want and need. I've never been very good at discerning what is good for me. That's why it's so important to turn my will over to my Higher Power. My HP can help me align my will with its will. Even though my feet feel like they are made of lead sometimes, I'm so glad I have NA.

Uh...Thank HP for Recovery

2007-04-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

People's cruelty never ceases to amaze me. How about a bunch of kids who'll never have a chance to have an original thought? My gratitude meter just went up a few notches for my recovery and Higher Power, and my happiness meter just went down a few notches for these poor kids.

Find this video and thousands of others at vSocial!

Complacent

2007-04-11T10:23:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been feeling my arch-nemesis complacency sneaking up on me. I'm doing pretty good. I don't have much chaos or drama in my life. I've settled into the daily trappings of life. As a result, I feel the need to stir the cauldron. I have irrational desires to do things I know are no good for me. Like blog about feeling complacent when I should be doing my damn job.

Anyway, I went to a great meeting last night and came to some acceptance that I really need to branch out. I need to go to some different meetings. We talk about willingness all the time, and I remember when I was new to NA I would walk to a meeting that was about 2 miles from my house at night. . . in December. . . just to go to a meeting. That was willingness (which is a verb). Now I've got a little clean time and I've lot some of that urgency and zeal.

So, I spoke with a friend from my home group and my sponsor and have made a commitment to my recovery to get outside my comfort zone, to display a little faith and willingness by going to some new meetings and expanding my support base.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Just For Today: A Perfect Measurement of Where I Am

2007-04-10T12:44:00.000-05:00

It never fails, and yet I'm still often amazed. I read the Just For Today meditation and it describes exactly where I am at. Today was no different. I skipped one of my home group meetings (we have 5 a week) because I was asked to give a training presentation at work. I found out about it at the last minute, and I'm up for a new position as a Training Specialist. I couldn't pass up this opportunity. But, I also knew that I couldn't go to a meeting and have time to go over the 3 hour presentation. So, I skipped the meeting. I missed Saturday's meeting because I went to a movie (Grindhouse - Quentin = big waste of time) with a bunch of people in recovery. I didn't go Sunday because I was tired. Hmmm. Let's see the Just for Today said:

We have to work late. We're tired. There's a good show at the theater tonight. And all of a sudden, we notice that we haven't called our sponsor, been to a meeting, spoken to a newcomer, or even talked to God in quite a while.

That sounds awfully familiar. So, meeting tonight. Period. I'm so grateful for the gifts I have in my life today, but I HAVE to remember that they'll all be gone in a blink if I use. In fact, with everything in my life all I have to add is "unless I use." I have a great job. . . unless I use. I have a great relationship with my son. . . unless I use. I'm productive and happy for the most part. . . unless I use. You get the picture. So, I think, today, I will NOT use no matter what.

An Addicts Rationalizations Never End

2007-04-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

The rationalizations of an addict never end. Check out this hilarious video on RecoverySuperstore's blog. I cried because I was laughing so freakin' hard.

Progress Not Perfection

2005-09-21T10:59:00.000-05:00

I've decided to give this blog another try. I think it just needs a little TLC. I am still clean. I recently celebrated one year! I have gained so much, I could never express it in words. I recently started on my fourth step, which I've been pocrastinating on significantly. Each day though I renew my commitment to completing it.

I am going to start published the JFT I think. I've seen several other sites that do it. So, NAH! I'll do the right thing and try to get World's permission before doing so.

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Sponsors Rule

2005-03-09T13:28:00.000-06:00

I had the distinct honor of hearing my sponsor speak last night for the first time. It was great. It's amazing to me how each day I grow closer to those in recovery without even trying. The honest, open sharing just brings people closer. My sponsor means so much to me and has helped me in ways I'm sure he doesn't even realize. Funny. I was thinking last night while he was speaking, that he probably doesn't even realize that one of the things that drew me to him when I first got clean was the fact that he always looked me in the eye. Whenever he shared, he looked right at me- not in a judgmental way, but a loving, concerned way. At that time, I felt uncomfortable looking anyone in the eye. I was so filled with shame and anger. I wanted to be able to do that.

Today, I'm so grateful to my sponsor and the relationship we are building and how he is helping me develop a relationship with a Higher Power of my understanding. Thanks for everything.

Thanks also, Bagilla, for the clean time wishes. You're da bestest brother in the whole wide world.

How has your sponsor given you hope or changed your life? Have you told them?

yes, I'm still alive

2005-03-03T10:20:00.000-06:00

It's been a little while since I've posted here. I've been obsessing (I know it's hard to believe) over my other blog for writers. In fact, I'm strung out on blogging. I'm trying to seriously curtail the amount of time I spend on the computer. I'm actually starting to get some of those same feelings I had when I was using (yuck). I'm skipping meals, isolating, and the list goes on. Definitely time to work a first, second, and third step on this stuff. Love you all.

6 months

2005-02-25T10:06:00.000-06:00

Today, I have 6 months clean! How'd I do it? By trying to practice honest, openminded, and willingness. Listening to my sponsor. Going to meetings. Working steps. Thank you so much to all those who have been there for me. I am truly grateful.

What Do You Want?

2005-02-22T16:17:00.000-06:00

If there is a particular format you'd like to see this site take please let me know. Either email me or leave a tag on the tagboard.

Steps. Steps. Steps.

2005-02-21T16:40:00.000-06:00

I really have to keep on myself about doing the right thing and working my steps. And, I don't just mean writing on them, but actually putting them to work in my life. Honesty is something I work on everyday. I see people come in and go back out and come back in and go back out and, well, you get the point. My heart hurts for them, but I know I can't carry them. What I can do is learn from them. They, not only remind me that it's no better out there, but also show me why I MUST be honest. Which doesn't mean, as my sponsor would say, just telling the truth. Honesty, for me today, has more to do with checking my motives and getting real about who I am and how my disease works in my life.

My disease would have me act out of impulse, constantly fucking up my life. My program gives me that few extra minutes I need between thought and action to get honest about why I want to ___________ (fill in the blank). Thank God for recovery and all you people out there who keep me alive each day.

Don't Forget New Directions

2005-02-19T20:40:00.000-06:00

Just a reminder to check out New Directions recovery store. You can subcribe to a daily meditation that is great.

Higher Power? Oh, Higher Power?Ahhhhh!

2005-02-15T11:56:00.000-06:00

Ever have one of those days when everything is going good. You're relatively sure of everything, and then BOOM! something happens to shake all that. That's where I'm at. I'm obsessing and I'm really trying to turn this particular crap over to my Higher Power, but I'm having a little trouble letting go. I know my Higher Power doesn't test me. That's my belief. My Higher Power has no need to test me. The only thing that a Higher Power could test would be my willpower (of which I have none, that's why I rely on Him for my recovery) or my belief. My Higher Power also doesn't test my belief. It's pointless, so shit happens. Life shows up, and I've got to use the tools that have been given me by all the wonderful people in my recovery. Sometimes it's just hard to STOP obsessing over things. Anyway, I'll make it, but I should probably call my sponsor, huh? That makes a lot of sense.

Prayer

2005-02-14T13:17:00.000-06:00

I have a great friend in recovery and her grandmother is ill. Please include both in your prayers. They are very close, and I know from experience how difficult it can be to go through this.

Taming the Resentment Beast

2005-02-14T10:43:00.000-06:00

I shared last night that I'm having some resentment issues with a particular person in my life. It's all money related, and I'm getting really tired of wasting good recovery time and energy on this person. But, I feel justified in being angry. This is a very dangerous thing for me. My sponsor has told me time and time again in my recovery that a justified resentment is one of the most dangerous things to staying clean. So, I'm trying to work a first step and first tradition on this. I'm trying to accept my powerlessness over her financial decisions and move on. There is really nothing I can do to stop her from wasting her money and then crying to me about not having any. And, sometimes (by way of the 1st tradition) we have to give more in a relationship or situation and not expect more in return for the good of the group. What's important is my son, and I have to keep that at the forefront of my mind. And, even more important is my recovery. Anyway, I feel better. For those of you who know me, no, I'm not talking about Red......

Daily Meditation Update

2005-02-10T14:33:00.000-06:00

The daily meditation, Daily Directions, is up and running. It's fantastic and easy. I hightly recommed it. Thanks bagilla for all of your hard work.

Grateful

2005-02-09T10:20:00.000-06:00

Today, I'm just full of gratitude for all the wonder people in my life. People in my life continue to amaze me with their generosity and love. Yesterday, my sister sent me journal out of nowhere. Just to say "I love you." How awesome is that. My mother and grandparents have been providing for me financially since a lost my job. Without their support I'd be homeless. My wonderful girlfriend, Red, has planned an unbelievable weekend to celebrate Valentine's Day, my 6 month clean date (25th... not there yet, but optimism never hurt) and our 6 months together (24th). Plus, all the people I have in NA just keep amazing me with their kindness and support. Today, I am definitely grateful for everyone one in my life: family and friends alike.

http://metrocreative.blogspot.com

Second Step Work

2005-02-08T13:23:00.000-06:00

A large part of my second step work is talking to others about what they believe about their Higher Power and how they came to that belief. I would love to hear any of your suggestions or experiences. I've already learned a tremendous amount.

Apologies

2005-02-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

Apparently, my lastest feature was a mistake on my part. The Just For Today meditation cannot be reproduced. I apologize to all. Instead, I will be linking to a site that has a daily meditation you can subcribe to. They also have lots of other great recovery "stuff." Check them out! I highly recommend them as a source for books and gift items you might need.

Keep coming back!

2005-02-05T15:36:00.000-06:00

"We are grateful that we were made so welcome at meetings that we felt comfortable." Basic Text, p. 80

Remember how scared we were when we walked into our first NA meeting? Even if we walked in with a friend, most of us recall how difficult it was to attend that first meeting. What was it that kept us coming back? Most of us have grateful memories of the welcome we were given and how comfortable that made us feel. When we raised our hand as a newcomer, we opened the door for other members to approach us and welcome us.

Sometimes the difference between those addicts who walk back out the door of their first meeting, never to return to NA, and the addicts who stay to seek recovery is the simple hug of an NA member. When we have been clean awhile, it's easy to step back from the procession of newcomers-- after all, we've seen so many people come and go. But members with some clean time can make the difference between the addict who doesn't return and the addict who keeps coming back. By offering our phone numbers, a hug, or just a warm welcome, we extend the hand of Narcotics Anonymous to the addict who still suffers.

Just for today: I remember the welcome I was given when I first came to NA. Today, I will express my gratitude by offering a hug to a newcomer.