Red Lobster Blog

Are you friends with reality?

2009-11-05T11:13:00.005-06:00

Anyone else a fan of the old re-runs of Cheers? I was at the bar Cheers in Boston a couple of times last year while on vacation, and while it wasn't as cool as the show, it did bring back some good memories. Cliff Clavin was always good for a laugh.

I have a semi regular guest who for whatever reason really prefers me. I don't know if I listen better or what, but suffice it to say that this guy must've dropped enough acid in the 70's to give a whole herd of elephants a bad trip. I've actually tried to avoid him at times, but I always seem to have an open table when this guy comes in. He sometimes comes alone, and other times he comes with his fiance. How this guy got a woman to stick around I'll never know. I'll explain.

Whatever the word is for the step beyond bizarre, that is this guy. He has the bald hippie mullet - long hair in back, balding on top - Think of the old Tommy Chong loosing his hair. His fashion sense is something between dirty rock star and homeless, but thankfully always clean. Spend more than 20 seconds with him, and he'll remind you how long he has been sober. Each. And. Every. Time. You. Talk. To. Him. In an average meal I'll be reminded of his sobriety at least 20 times, and that is in no way an exaggeration. And I think that is great, but the thing is, every time he tells you this, he appears to think it is the first time he's ever told it to you. After a few years, this can get annoying.

It is clear that drugs have had a major negative impact on his life. Once when he came in by himself, his bill totaled something like $30 (he does eat well) and he tried to give me $200 in payment. You might be saying POCKET THE MONEY FOOL! But that isn't my way. I earn mine, not take advantage of others, plus, if someone called in and complained it would be obvious who waited on him. I always get him. So I always end up making change for him because he doesn't really seem to get money. Other times he hasn't given me enough and I've had to convince him to give more. I've spoken with his fiance about this and she gave me an amount that should it happen again, that I can keep beyond what his bill is. I'm cool with that. And I know he means me no harm.

This woman by all appearances seems normal. She's a healthy middle age woman, and I am always confused at how, in spite of love, even she could deal with this guy on a day to day basis. For the most part, she appears to take care of his money, and him for that matter. And in that regard, I have wondered if that is why she is around. Not to bilk him from his stash of cash, I think she could've already done that had she wanted to, but to maintain access to it. I don't know where it is from, but this guy has money. You couldn't tell it by the way he dresses, but when you talk with him for a while, you can piece together from where he lives, what he drives (scary that he is on the road!) and where he vacations, that there is a big pile of money somewhere. I think she could've taken the money and run, but yet she remains.

So while he is not mentally all there, he is pretty smart. He can't remember at times what he ordered 10 minutes ago, but he can spout off factoids at an amazing rate. Never anything that is useful mind you, but information nonetheless. And as odd as it sounds, his "specialty" is what I can only call "anti-conspiracy theory". He is passionate about debunking any known conspiracy theory. Who killed Kennedy? That is a 2 hour conversation. Area 51? You might never go home. And when he starts off on this, you can literally walk away from the table, and come back 20 minutes later and he'll still be talking about it. Even if no one else is there. And as he tells you these things, he has the most non-linear way of doing it I have ever experienced. In the middle of telling you all about the make and model of the gun used to kill JFK, he'll throw in a random and completely unrelated fact. "You should be carefull driving. A sedan only has a .32 coefficent on icy roads, and your van is even worse." Like an autistic Cliff Clavin. You had to know I'd tie this back into Cheers somehow. So out spouts something random, and often absurdly hilarious. And the thing is he never stops talking. From the moment he hits the booth to the time he walks out the door, he talks. Whatever it is in your brain that shuts your mouth off, he is missing.

And while all of this is tolerable for a while, I cannot imagine 24/7/365. This woman is an angel. But the redeeming thing of all of this is that this guy is amazingly sweet. While as odd a duck as I have ever encountered, he is always over the top nice and friendly, like the weed and acid killed his ability to experience anger. And he is always a gentleman with his lady, and always, ALWAYS talks about her like she is the divine manifestation of God in flesh. Even when she is sitting right there.

So I generally enjoy waiting on him. You never know what you are going to get, but without question you know you will get a good show. And if you pay attention, you might actually learn something. Probably not something useful, but something nonetheless.

And that brings us back to Cliff Clavin, who gives us one of the greatest quotes of all time.

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, use the general speed and health of the whole group keeps living by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Endless shrimp ending

2009-10-31T12:43:00.002-05:00

Endless shrimp ends November 9th - halle-fuckin-lujah! So charge up your motorized scooter and waddle, roll or glide you way back in for one last evening of gluttony!

Severs in training

2009-10-26T16:52:00.003-05:00

I've trained a lot of people in my years. A ton at Red Lobster, but many in other places as well. I think I've been a trainer for five different companies by my count. So when I say this, I mean it.

If you are a new server in training, get your shit together.

I don't care about anything else, when you are with me, we are working. When you are with me, you are on my time and my dollar, because if you fuck it up at the table, that is my tip. I understand this is part of the learning process, so I am gracious, but there are limits. Get your shit together and learn the menu. Learn the table approach. Study the wine chart and give a few of them a try. We give it to you for free, take a taste. I know you have school work, or kids to take care of, or bong hits to keep track of, but let me let you in on a little secret - I.don't.care. At all.

Come prepared. If I smell weed, I'm sending you packing. If you got booze on your breath, it's over. No, I'm not kidding. What you do with your time is your business, but get this - this isn't your time. I'm good at what I do, and I'm not ashamed of that fact. I've worked for many years honing my skills and knowledge, and I promise you that if you pay attention, if you put the time in, you can and will make very good money. If you learn the right way, not the easy way, you will make more money.

You will get out of this what you put into it. I understand you worked at Perkins for 74 years. I don't care. That's not how we do it. I don't care that you served at the mom & pop place on the lake in high school. You were an idiot then, and didn't learn a thing other then how to not drop food on the floor. We have a system here, and honestly, a surprisingly good system. I might not give Red Lobster a lot of credit, but they do deserve it for their server training, it is better than most others.

And when one of the other trainers says something, listen to them. We've all been at this a long time. You might not understand why you should do it that way, but believe me, in time you too will gain that wisdom. They aren't correcting you because they are bitches. We aren't busting your balls because we have nothing better to do. We all know if you don't learn this that A) you'll fuck it up at our tables in the future B) you'll piss off our regulars and C) you'll not last, which means we'll have to start this whole process over with some other clueless person, and all of this costs us money.

If you know what you are doing, I'll give you a long leash. But you have to earn that. Don't tell about how you served a bus of 45 strippers all by yourself and didn't make a single mistake. Serve this 4 top without a mistake. Trust is earned. If you deserve it, I'm happy to give it, as it is much easier for me when a trainee is competent. Heck, those training sessions are like a mini-vacation for us trainers actually. We get to show up, do only about half the work, and take in our normal tips. But unfortunately, and much to the surprise of most trainees, few of you ass-clowns are competent when you first walk in those double doors. So shut up, study up, and work hard, this'll be over sooner if you do.

Tighty-Whities (Please pull your pants up!)

2009-10-12T18:49:00.002-05:00

This is damn funny! I might put this on regular rotation at my restaurant!

Hat tip on this to my old boy Big Chris!

Darden profit beats Street, shares fall on forecast

2009-09-29T17:30:00.001-05:00

Caught this on the news wire today. Darden has a nice employee stock purchasing plan that if you aren't participating in (as an employee) then you are throwing away free money. Even if you don't plan on staying with the company or keeping the stock, the option is a great thing to take advantage of.

But unfortunately the reduction in costs talked about below does nothing for the server's bottom line at the end of the night.

By Lisa Baertlein

LOS ANGELES, Sept 29 (Reuters) - Darden Restaurants Inc (DRI.N), owner of the Olive Garden and Red Lobster chains, warned that full-year same-store sales could fall more than expected and that its profit could be at the low end of its forecast, and its shares fell 6 percent.

Darden, which posted a first-quarter profit a penny above Wall Street expectations, is forecasting earnings of $2.59 to $2.85 per share for fiscal 2010.

"Given industry sales trends, however, at this time the lower half of the diluted net earnings per share range we've provided is more likely than the upper half of the range," the company said in a statement.

The restaurant industry has been hurt by rising unemployment and falling home prices, prompting consumers to reduce the number of times they go out to eat and to order lower-priced items.

Oppenheimer restaurant analyst Matthew DiFrisco said Darden was being cautious in its forecast.

"They're being conservative saying that (earnings) would be skewed toward the lower end," DiFrisco said.

Darden has been benefiting from lower food costs that helped offset weak sales.

Darden, which also owns Capital Grille and LongHorn Steakhouse, said earnings from continued operations were $95 million, or 67 cents per share, for the first quarter ended Aug. 30, compared with $82.4 million, or 58 cents per share, a year earlier.

Analysts, on average, were looking for 66 cents per share, according to Reuters Estimates.

Total sales from continuing operations fell 2.3 percent to $1.73 billion during the quarter, as sales at U.S. established restaurants fell 2.9 percent at Olive Garden, 7.9 percent at Red Lobster and 6.2 percent at LongHorn Steakhouse.

Darden said sales were softer than anticipated during the first quarter, causing it to reduce the lower end of its full-year forecast for sales at established restaurants.

The restaurant company now expects combined U.S. same-store sales at Red Lobster, Olive Garden and LongHorn Steakhouse to be flat to down 3 percent in fiscal 2010, a range that is one percentage point lower on the bottom end than the previously issued forecast.

Shares of Darden fell to $33.99 from their New York Stock Exchange close of $36.15.

Red Lobster - Endless Shrimp is the worst promotion ever

2009-09-03T12:11:00.005-05:00

Dear Red Lobster,

I hate you.

Every year you foist upon us this hell. It is a nightmare. Whale sized people eating more than a small African nation. Ghetto trash trying to take a week's worth of "skrimp" home. Children playing in scampi grease and spreading it everywhere. The destruction of the polar ice caps. Well most of that stuff anyhow.

Endless shrimp is two to three times the work for less average pay. Sure it might generate some return customers, but I'd like to see a survey done of how many people come to Red Lobster for the first time because of this promotion, and how often then they subsequently come back. My guess is that there is no direct correlation. And it kills your staff. It kills server moral. It kills the prep team grinding extra hard every afternoon to get ready for the onslaught that evening. It kills the dish guys because they have to wash it all. It is a nightmare for stores that use bussers because their work is far greater with no increase in return. What kind of business model intentionally pisses off the vast majority of your employees? I understand you don't care about us, we figured that out a long time ago, but do you really have to shove this hot poker up our asses each year to prove your point that you don't care? I'd rather you just come by my house and kick me in the balls once a year rather than this long torture. Or at least limit it to Monday-Wednesday when most stores are slow. I really, REALLY hate this promotion.

From the Red Lobster web site:

Explore Endless Possibilities

The wait is over. Red Lobster’s best value of the year is back! For a limited time during Endless Shrimp, mix and match new creations like our NEW! Teriyaki Grilled Shrimp – wood-grilled and brushed with a tangy teriyaki glaze – with classic favorites like Garlic Shrimp Scampi or Hand-Breaded Shrimp. Also try Cajun Shrimp, tossed with a spicy Cajun butter sauce, or our sweet Coconut Shrimp Bites. Then, when you’re ready, you can do it all again.

The shrimp may be endless, but this offer isn’t. Hurry in today!

All entrées come with choice of salad and unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits™.

I know we have to build a customer base, but do we have to do it by catering to the lowest common denominator every year?

I will be pointing my guest to the:

Harborside Lobster and Shrimp

A roasted rock lobster tail, savory garlic shrimp scampi and a skewer of garlic-grilled jumbo shrimp over wild rice pilaf. 23.99

And if your store has the Sam Adams Octoberfest beer - get it. It's awesome beer!

Why do I wait tables?

2009-07-29T11:08:00.003-05:00

Someone asked in a comment "Why do I wait tables?" She suggested that since I have multiple degrees (I have a graduate degree as well as my undergrad) and I only make $40-$60 a night I should do something else.

First, I don't only make $40-$60 a night. If I did, I would've gotten out of this business a LONG time ago. I have co-workers who make that a night because they suck and don't care, but rare is the shift that I make under $80, and most nights are beyond that. Honestly, I am disappointed in less than $100 per shift (but yes it happens). It's not worth my time (especially in winter) to drive into work for less than that. I have a fairly long commute by city standards to get to my restaurant. There are other Red Lobster stores (and other Darden owned restaurants) closer to where I live, but I work at my present store because I can make more money there than at most of the other regional stores. I've worked in enough Red Lobsters to know a good one when I find it. Good being a relative term of course.

Hypothetically, let's say I work 5 shifts a week for 30 hours. In those shifts if I average $125 per shift, that is $625 a week that I am taking home (with health care and the pittance that we get as tipped employees, we never see our hourly wages). Figure I work at least 49 weeks a year and that is over $30,000. And honestly, there are people in my store who make more than that, all for a "part time" job. Plus I get paid vacation. Plus we get stock options. And dental/health care is available.

So part of it is the money. The health care is actually a bigger reason for me, as my outside interests don't afford me health care options. Out of pocket health care plans are absurdly expensive.

The biggest reason I wait tables is it affords me a schedule I like. I have worked where I work long enough to be toward the top of the shit heap. That means I generally get a steady schedule of shifts that I can plan around. I don't bounce from shift to shift much because I work nearly as many hours as allowed most of the time. And when I want to pick up a shift (if I am far enough under the 40 hour mark to avoid over time) then I know my management team will approve me for whatever that shift is, no questions asked. I can open, close, etc. - any shift there is, I've done it and trained others for it.

So with this flexibility, I can pursue other interests. Some of which are money making, some of which are just personal hobbies. Red Lobster hasn't been my only source of income for a long time, and I don't expect that to change. I'm a hard working guy, probably working too many hours when you add everything together, but I guess it is what it is. My Red Lobster dollars are the most steady money in my life, so I need to keep that going while I work on other things. My hope is that someday my outside interests will overtake my waiting and force me to quit, but thus far it hasn't gone that way. It will though, I am confident of that. And that too is why I have never gone into management, it would force me to give up my outside things, and push me into a rotating schedule that is the schedule from hell. Red Lobster pays their management team fairly, but I think their work schedules suck donkey balls.

The Curse of Cheddar Bay

2009-07-06T09:26:00.000-05:00

For your viewing pleasure!

Reader Writes In - Stupid Store Policies

2009-06-23T15:52:00.009-05:00

The following was submitted to the Lobsterboy for my review and feedback. I asked (and was given) permission to publish it. Names have been changed to protect the guilty...err...innocent. I will add suggestions I shared with the author at the very end. Fax this in to your local Red Lobster!

************************

To Whom it May Concern,

At some point in everyone’s life, they face certain critical decisions. Where to live, what education to pursue, what God to worship, whether or not to pull the plug on Grandma, etc. For some time, I have felt that I was facing one of these critical moments.

For several years, I have worked at Red Lobster. In fact, I've worked pretty hard at being a good Lobsterhead in the time that I've been there. Minus smoke-breaks (an unfortunate and necessary evil considering my addictive nature) I'm usually, pardon the phrase, "hauling ass". I make people laugh. I sell them booze. I bring them food. According to our strange social custom of tipping, I also take whatever money they decide to leave in excess of the obligatory bill and use it to pay for my own vital needs (see also, "beggar").

In addition to answering the strange demands of my guests, pampering their egos, and providing food and entertainment, I answer to the every whim of my managers as well. I clean and tidy until their hearts are content, labor to keep their stress level low by not "riling up the natives", and generally try to be agreeable no matter which flavor of corporate bullshit I'm being asked to eat that week. Need me to add yet another annoying line of dialogue to my already twenty minute table approach? "Hi! I'm Boner, I promise to take sweet, sexy care of you today! Do you give a shit about our Fresh Fish today though I’ve told you ten times before? Are you under any time constraints? What? I already made you late getting back to work?" Sure! Okay! Need me to suffer the brunt of some “from on-high” evil cost-cutting corporate ways? "I'm sorry sir, we no longer have teaspoons. Yes, we still have tea. Yes, that is ridiculous. Yes, you will be allowed to bring your own spoon from home, or we can stir it with our dirty fingers. Whichever you'd like." Whatever you say management, you'll appreciate my hard work later. Right? Eh... Right?

While many of the servers I've seen come and go at our restaurant couldn't have found their ass with both hands, ran around like there was a four-alarm fire on top of their heads every time they got double sat with a couple of two-tops, or couldn't shake off their drug-induced stupor long enough to bring an old woman her water with lemon in under twenty minutes, I've always felt that I have been fairly competent at my job. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that I try to always be "working" when I am at "work". Because of my perception that I do my job well, I have always assumed I would be acknowledged as what we call a "good employee".

In their infinite wisdom, however, our management has promoted a policy of fairness at work. "Fairness" in this context, is similar to another concept you may have heard of before: Communism. Don't shit yourself just yet, I'll explain. While most things in America have traditionally been "merit based", particularly in a corporate environment, our management sees things differently. We reward mediocrity every day. If you happen to be bad at your job, our management is incapable of firing you. They just can't bring themselves to do it. If one person chooses not to do any work, they can safely assume that someone else will come and do it for them, with no fear of actual reprisal from a manager. Fifteen guest complaints? No problem! Don’t show up for your scheduled shifts? No problem! Now, on top of all of this, our management will also ensure that those same lazy servers have just as many hours as you. To keep it fair.

This concern for fairness also extends to which sections we can work. Do a great job every day? Suck it! We need to be fair about who gets what section. We sure wouldn't want anybody to feel bad. In addition to having to wade through a sea of people texting on their phones, fixing their tables so that we don't have to deal with the customer's plaintive and hungry stares, and generally cleaning up after everybody who was too lazy or slow to do their own job, we now have to be concerned with the equitability of the situation. I'm pretty sure management is going to start checking my pay stubs and forcing me to redistribute or burn all the extra money I make so that our less than stellar servers don't have to feel bad. Great.

In a strictly capitalist work environment, productivity would be rewarded. In a communist work environment all people are rewarded equally, regardless of their contribution. You see, Red Lobster has more in common with Red Russia than good ol' Red White and Blue America. Since I agree with this new corporate standpoint, I have some suggestions which may help bring us closer to our communist aspirations.

#1 - Do away with "The Brig", and add "The Gulag". Because it is necessary for the new "Red" Red Lobster to maintain some level of output from all of its employees, the forced labor camp theme of our new room will help "reeducate" our bad employees. You can't fire all the lazy people. But you can force them to stay on the clock for free until they can figure out how to refill the glass racks in the alley. Douchebag Dan comes highly recommended for the position of taskmaster.

#2 - Vodka will be on tap. It helped keep the Russians happy in the freezing Siberian winter, and it will work for us too. Having a bad day in section 1? Have some Vodka! Getting two shifts a week? Have some Vodka! There is no amount of bullshit that a bottle of vodka and a rousing song won't help you forget. (AMEN!)

#3 - Red Lobster will actually pay for my rent and food now, regardless of the pay cut that I take in the interest of fairness. Can't make any money because management won’t cut the fat? Don't worry, Communist Red Lobster will take care of all of your needs! Bread lines for everyone!

#4 - Big Furry Hats. With Lobsters on front.

An alternative to all of this, however, would be to require everyone to do their jobs. America-style. Hosts will host, servers will serve, and managers will manage. That includes firing people that don’t do their job. Glasses and ice are perpetually empty? Write the server up! Then fire them when they do it again! Busser doesn’t know how to clean a table, but has been working there three years? Fire them, and give their hours to someone who wants to work!

Nobody who does their job should ever have to apologize to someone who doesn’t for getting “special treatment”, so long as that “special treatment” is merit-based recognition for a job well done. A good schedule and a good section isn’t a reward. It makes sense from both an ethical and a business perspective. Good employees = happy guests. If I’m wrong, then perhaps we should ask Marlene if she wants to work backup on a Friday night, or Donna if she wants to roll silverware. That’s the equivalent of asking a strong server to work a bad station. These people don’t have the jobs they have because they are special, they have them because they are hard workers. If anybody doesn’t understand that, they should question whether or not they are doing their jobs the way they should. Or maybe they are just Commies.

Thus, my aforementioned critical decision. Do I put up and shut up? Or do I search for new employment? Alternatively, I could just start having fun with the job, and see how long it takes for someone to notice that I’ve gone postal. Or I could plead with my management to grant me something that I rightfully earned to begin with. I suppose that every server who works hard should be pondering the same decision. Perhaps we could all just start a revolution instead…

Signed,

The Democratic Lobster League of America

P.S. We only write this because we care.

*********************************

Here are my responses and ideas to add to the above: I'd add a line about hard working people in this economy can't find work and we've got people with jobs who won't do work - I think there is a solution. :-)

BTW, I'd fax it to your regional director as well - if you don't have his/her fax # it'll be in the office where the fax is, often on a business card tacked to the wall. The solution to this problem is to have a GM who has an eye on a higher position. When the GM's nose is so far up corporate leaders asses that all they see is brown, this crap doesn't happen. It does mean you goose-step to mindless corporatism, but they strictly adhere to the "law". I've experienced both, and while both are evil, I'll take the corporate brown-nosers if I have to pick my poison.

And if you really want to go commando you can sneak into the office and fax this to corporate from your RL's fax machine! If your store is anything like ours they leave that office open frequently, and long enough it wouldn't be hard to do it without getting caught. They have to fax so much crap that few of the managers would even bother looking what was spooling through unless there was only 1 manager in the store.

Asbestos hands

2009-06-02T00:21:00.003-05:00

I have worked in a lot of different positions across the restaurant industry. Through that, I have built up a very high heat tolerance in my hands and forearms over the years. Literally I can grab hot things that the average person would never attempt. This isn't unique to me, many servers and cooks are like this (as are welders and glass blowers to name just a few others). Added to this, I have a pretty high threshold of pain, so I can "take the heat" so to speak.

A while back a reader Red Lobster Blog shot me an email asking how I deal with hot plates. Her complaint was that her cooks are throwing the plates in the windows too early and are getting the plates smoking hot.

First - why are the plates so FRICKIN' hot? I've run into this as well, and it is a direct response of the cooks to pressure from the managers, who themselves are taking boat loads of heat from the regional directors. Simply said, one of the things that Red Lobster tracks is food temp scores (ever called in a survey? It's on there.). The easiest way for a manager to get a regional manager off his ass for low foot temp scores is to have the cooks par the plates early. This loads up heat in our plates, which keeps the food sitting on them warmer longer. We honestly have a couple of tables in our restaurant where you can see where the hot plate has melted into the lacquered top and made a light oval. So this is a serious issue for servers.

The worst thing is when you pick a tray up out of the window not knowing someone has just loaded some blistering hot plates on the tray. You run out to drop it off, and just about the time you grab that Admiral's Feast and get ready to set it on the table, Granny decides to put her purse on the table to look for her ticket stub from when she rode the Titanic, thus blocking your landing spot. Now the distance from your hand to your head isn't all that far, but it still usually takes a moment for your hand to phone your brain to let it know it is melting. The brain tells the hand to hold on, and starts pushing beads of sweat out the forehead. This is where tray jacks are a server's best friend, because if you use the tray jacks like you are supposed to, then you have a tray you set back down on. If not, you're screwed, grab some ice on the way back into the kitchen.

Some of my worst burns as a server have actually come from grabbing an empty service tray that was sitting in the window under the glow rays. There is something about the material they use to make the large food service trays that make them extra hot. I've smoked myself good on these a number of times (slow learner!). It's like the fiberglass multiplies the heat or something.

I have blistered my hand holding onto a plate handed to me by another server. I sucked it up and played through it, but I was pissed that she handed me a plate that hot without warning.

So back to the question that prompted all of this - what do I do? I used to have some cloth hot pads that I kept in my server apron. These worked for most things, but the regional director started to raise a stink that these hot pads (not just mine, all of us who used them) were a cross contamination threat. I always kept mine clean, and I actually kept a spare set in the jacket I always wear to work (holds my keys/phone etc.) that I could swap in if my first set got soiled. But it is a potential hazard, and while I didn't like the change, I understood the need. What I switched to was a small round silicone hot pad(s) made by Le Creuset. Mine are black in color so they aren't visible when not in use (though I don't see them in that color on Amazon.com). These little pads are hand savers. They are small enough to fit in a pocket or an apron. And they could handle the space shuttle during re-entry. They are incredibly well designed in that they dissapate and deflect the heat, with the ridges adding to the insulation as well as increasing the grippiness. I've never struggled to grab things with them. The bonus is that they aren't cloth, so they are immediately cleanable. If they get soiled in any way, I just have the dish guys run them through the Hobart dish machine and they come out super clean on the other side. I haven't specifically asked the regional manager if I can use them, but he's seen me using them and hasn't busted my balls on it so I think it is OK.

Honestly, these pads should be standard issue and a required part of the uniform. All my trainees have started to get them, and some others are catching on as well.

NEVER loan them out though. You won't get them back. Servers are a sneaky lot, and when they realize just how good these things work, the pads "grow legs". I do have two sets of them (with my spare set kept in my vehicle now). I have lost one, and had another one get damaged due to my own stupidity. The pads are about the size of a coaster, and they work miracles.

Maybe Le Creuset I should inquire with Le Creuset now that their hot pad division will be working over time supplying servers...

Seriously - go buy some. Either from a high end cooking store or via Amazon or another online retailer.

Love/Hate Existence

2009-05-07T10:36:00.002-05:00

Over the years I have been asked numerous times if/why I hate my job. The truth is, I don't hate waiting tables a lot of the time, but it has its days.

I think the best description for what I feel at this point is numb indifference. Anyone who has waited tables long enough can probably relate. The day to day grind makes our job pretty mundane if you are reasonably competent at it. When you are a new server, waiting jobs is a thrill, an adrenaline rush, always trying to keep up, always hoping to get a step ahead to make that extra dollar.

As time passes, you move from being stressed as a server into a comfort zone - again assuming some level of competency, not everyone gets there. In this comfort zone, it takes a lot to knock me out of my auto pilot system of service. Over the years I've made nearly every mistake possible (often numerous times) and eventually learned my lessons. Over the years I've served nearly every combination of people. I've been asked nearly every question - from the insightful to the bizarre. There is very little that screws things up for me. Yes I still get angry when a jerk-off stiffs me or when a crazy scammer tries to get free food. But as you progress, all of this becomes like water off the back of a duck.

I've also seen the good side, probably more than my share, and those things too impact you less and less over the years. I've had a handful of tips over $100 (all while working at Red Lobster), none of which came from large parties. I've had family members of rude ass-munches slip me an extra $20 at the end of meal and apologize. I've had more regulars than I would honest care to admit (regulars are the result of being good at the job, and being there for a long time). I have regulars who only visit a couple of times a year, but they always want me. I have regulars who I wait on weekly, and I have even had a regular who was nearly daily, though he is long dead and gone now. I've outlived numerous GM's. I've watched (and trained) more managers than I could possibly remember come and go. And the number of employees I've worked with is honestly mind blowing when you multiply things because I have worked in more than one store.

I worked for Red Lobster through a ton of uniform changes. When I started we wore white oxfords and ties. I've worn ugly polo shirts. And the clown-puke hideous fish shirts. And back to white oxfords, this time no ties. And I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting. And the menu has changed so many times my head spins when I think of all the different things. I remember the green screen computers where you had to learn the product number codes (2022 Admiral's Feast?) to enter your order quickly. I remember when we could go out drinking with our managers after work, and they even bought the first round.

I've been here a long time. My years of service at Red Lobster do have some breaks where I worked at other places, and even at times in other industries. I haven't made a career out of serving tables, I have other business ventures, and revenue streams. There have been times where I worked full time at Red Lobster, and other seasons where I worked the minimum hours/shifts allowed.

This is all to say that through all this, I have a love/hate relationship with my job. It pays my bills, and is quite honestly easy money for me. I'm good at it, and have all the experience I need to make it easy. But there is no future in it because of my unwillingness to enter management. And it is still frustrating when I have to polish the latest turd our newest clueless manager hired expecting for me to miraculously make them into a competent server. It is still frustrating when kitchen staff screw things up, blame someone else, and fail to fix my tickets. I still get angry when ghetto trash come in stoned out of their minds, with children in tow. And it still chafes my ass when people screw with my schedule. It is always enough money, just enough to keep me coming back, but never enough to really set me free. That is why I diversified my work portfolio years ago. That is why serving tables brought me through both undergrad and grad school, and might someday get me through a doctorate (we'll see - do I really need/want more education?).

So I love my job. I hate my job. Ask me again tomorrow, and I might change my mind again.

Easter is insanity!

2009-04-09T14:59:00.005-05:00

Easter is one of the two best/worst days of the year in the life of a server at Red Lobster.

You have to bring your "A" game because there is a lot of money to be made by most involved. I say by most because it happens where some ignorant family tips like crap after sitting for 3 hours on the busiest day of the year. You'll often see those servers throwing things at cars as they leave the parking lot and/or swearing and crying in back.

Easter is like being on a treadmill set to go one speed faster than many are comfortable, except done in the middle of rush hour traffic.

Easter can kill new people, so when we have green staff we often put them in as food runners and in other places where they won't get so buried and cost us customers.

Easter is where we go on wait (or on line) from the moment the doors open until often when we close that night. A big Easter day will bring in as many guests on a single day as we get in 3/4th of a slow week in our slower season.

Easter means all hands on deck. You cannot request it off. Not even if you are a regional manager. All the managers will work that day, the regional managers will often stick their head in every store within 100 miles of where they live, and will call a half dozen times beyond that.

Easter means no smoke breaks. Period. For anyone. Which makes my addicted co-workers all the more pleasant to work with.

Easter is the day where if you go down bread (our Cheddar Bay Biscuits that are like CRACK to fans of Red Lobster) your baker will struggle to catch up for a couple of hours.

Every square inch of prep space will be used. Every rack filled. Every fridge and shelf packed full. And at the end of the day you feel like you've been violated, abused, run over, and beaten - but happy because you made your cash.

I love Easter honestly, but I remember my first one when I was green so many years ago, and it honestly ate my lunch. I had only been serving for a few months at that point, and it was my first really big day. Not any more though, I can do this in my sleep. If you look for me I'll be the guy watering/coffeeing other tables, pre-busing for the new kids, and praying that I don't get a large table.

There are two ways to go for Easter, and you don't want to be caught in between. If you can get a section of all 4 tops take it (four people per table, like a section of all booths in most restaurants - I say most because some RL's have larger booths for parties). You can turn and burn your 4 tops and make a killing. Easter rarely has tables of less than 3 people, though we do get a few 1 or 2 people tables.

The other way to go for Easter is a section where you are assigned a party table - meaning you are going to take parties of 8 or more all day long. 8 or more means gratuity is added, and that means certain money. The drawbacks here are A) getting paired with a bad server and B) parties take longer so your turnover rate is lower. But I do well enough on bigger parties to make up for this (rarely does a party leave me just the added gratuity). Overall having a party section is easier because you have other people assigned to help you out, but it does take a lot more coordination and timing - so that all the food comes at once, so everyone gets salads at the same time etc. You'll hear endless complaints if one server brings salads for half the table and the other server take 2 minutes longer. Teamwork is not optional if you want a fat stack at the end of the day.

The worst place to be is the indifferent middle. These are often the sections surrounding the large party sections, and this means you'll get pulled in on a party here or there, but not for the whole day. So it jacks your section around, moving your tables and making it hard to get in a rhythm. Plus, it means your other customers (non-party ones) have to sit next to the hulking table, which is often filled with large women who are exceptionally loud. If I was a guest, I'd refuse to sit next to a large party table on Easter, even if it meant waiting a bit longer.

So to those of you who will be working rather than spending time with family this Easter, make a fat stack, and have a tall cool one after work, because Mother's Day is just around the corner!

When you work in food service these are the idiots you deal with

2009-04-07T22:07:00.002-05:00

True story - straight from the Dallas/Fort Worth Fox News station. I'm pretty sure I've had this lady, and all her idiot family. Yes ma'am, a dozen shrimp does mean twelve.

Diner Dials 911 over Shrimp Order

Created On: Tuesday, 07 Apr 2009, 10:17 AM CDT

HALTOM CITY, Texas - A woman dialed 911 on Monday afternoon to report that she didn’t get extra shrimp in her fried rice order.

The incident happened at A&D Buffalo's in the 4000 block of East Belknap Street.

Restaurant' employees said the woman originally left with her order, but came back claiming she did not get her full $1.62 worth of extra shrimp. Since she had already left the building with her food, they refused to give her a refund.

"She started yelling and screaming, brought her boyfriend in and they started making a scene in here," said Alex Kim, the restaurant's attorney.

Employees said that's when the irate woman called 911 to try to get help from the police.

"I always get the shrimp fried rice, so I said I'm going to get extra meat this time. But he didn’t even put extra shrimp in there," she told the 911 operator.

HEAR: 911 Call

The woman also told the operator that she demanded either a refund or the additional crustaceans, and that she decided to place the emergency call when she was met with resistance.

"I'm just saying, to get a police officer up here, what has to happen?" the caller asked the operator.

A Haltom City police officer was dispatched to the scene, but the woman was no longer at the restaurant when he arrived.

Police spokesman Cody Phillips said she likely will not be punished for her call.

"You have to make a phone call in a non-emergency situation and remain silent or be abusive or obscene to the 911 call taker. She was none of those things," Phillips said.

The incident mirrors a March episode in Florida in which a woman dialed 911 about her McDonald's order. In that case, police arrested the woman.

Restaurant employees said they actually expect to see the woman again. She is a frequent customer. And if she does come again, they will be more than happy to take care of her, they said.

The bastard farts

2009-04-01T18:17:00.004-05:00

Comment overheard the other night in my dining room. Background two crotchety old men were drinking a few beers while eating some crab legs.

Old guy #1: "Know what surprises me now that I am getting old?"

Older guy #2: "What's that?"

#1: "My farts. They hurt a hell of a lot more! I had Mexican and beers last night and I'm farting flaming clouds of lava!"

#2: Laughing..."Yeah, I call 'em the bastard farts. Those burnin' bastards sneak up on ya' and try to light your drawers on fire!"

Both men laughed till they nearly had coughing fits. I laughed hard enough I had a tear in my eyes, which only caused them to laugh harder.

Calling in a Domestic

2009-03-26T15:19:00.003-05:00

I'm going all PSA on you asses today.

One of the more painful things I have had the misfortune of experiencing in my career in food service in the domestic disputes that take place at my place of work.

You'd be surprised how many people overstep the boundaries of normal social interaction with their loved ones in public places, especially ones that serve alcohol. I've broken up fights between lovers in bars that I've worked in. Usually there people are with them and they could go their separate ways to cool off for a period. That often isn't the case at a restaurant.

Years ago a group of my co-workers and I observed a lesbian couple whose relationship was clearly on the rocks. I have no idea why they thought Red Lobster would be the place to work out their differences. They sat in my section for a couple of hours during the early afternoon, going back and forth about who did what to whom. Then they brought out the big guns. Who wasn't paying bills, and who cheated on who with each other. It became quite heated, and one of the ladies apparently went too far, causing her former lover to start bawling and bolt out of our restaurant.

It was at this point other servers took notice because these two ladies had been in a remote corner of our dining room where no other servers had been on for a few hours.

I had been watching this play out, but wasn't close enough to hear what happened. They were already cashed out, so I wasn't honestly too worried on my end. Their conversation was much too heated for me to interrupt anyhow. So the lady bolts out of the restaurant, leaving all her stuff behind - purse, sweater, keys were all still sitting there. The lover left behind gets up and walks over to where I am rolling silver and asks me to watch their stuff, and that she'll be right back. "Sure thing ma'am."

Now at this point of the story, you need to know that the crying lady who ran out was a very attractive and quite thin woman, about 5'7" and leggy. I think she had come from work because she was wearing heals and a professional looking skirt and blouse. The lady left behind was a fairly stout butch looking lady, with short cropped hair, blue jeans with a chain and leather wallet. I would guess she was also about 5'10" and at least half again the weight of crying woman.

So everyone sees the woman run out crying, and a few servers make their way to the windows where the woman is crying and leaning against a car.

Moments after the larger lady left my section, a friend literally runs back to where I am still rolling silver and shouts - "You've got to see this" and runs off. Curious, I take off after him.

Out in our parking lot skinny crying lady is now pounding the shit out of her larger lover. It appears something has snapped in her, and all the rage is now coming out. A manager yells at the host to call the cops and runs outside. Wisely, he doesn't physically intervene.

While being much smaller, the skinny lady had more than enough rage to overcome any size advantage. Plus, she was much quicker. I'm guessing she does Tae Bow or something, cause she's raining down blows on the larger lady like MMA ground and pound. The larger lady tackles her (on the paved parking lot) and proceeds to roll skinny lady onto her stomach (while skinny lady kicks away, and at one point manages to get a shoe in hand and uses that as a weapon for a few strikes). Large woman then just sits on the back of the smaller woman and asks over and over for her to calm down (we're all watching out the front door at this point).

The story ends with the arrival of the cops a few minutes later, and the two bloodied women being carted off in the police cars. I had to go back in with an officer and collect up all their belongings, and on the way in the officer kinda snickered and said "That must've been a pretty uneven fight, the one is twice the other's size."

"No, not really." I replied.

"That little lady has quite a bit of bull dog in her from what I saw. She won the fight no contest."

Stupid me, opening my mouth, now I had to give a statement. Thankfully the officer didn't have a lot of questions, and I was about to take a break between shifts anyhow.

But in the end, it made for an entertaining but very sad afternoon. I enjoy fights, things like boxing and MMA (especially MMA!), but not so much when it is like this. I can't help but think of the ramifications. I've seen parents carted off with kids present in other sitations. There are no winners in a domestic altercation.

If you or someone you know is being abused, don't put up with it, leave and get help.

A great place to start is HelpGuide.org and DomesticViolence.org.

This is just a test

2009-03-02T01:39:00.002-06:00

Blog is acting buggy, and trying to see what is wrong. RSS readers don't worry!

God hates shrimp apparently

2009-02-25T14:14:00.001-06:00

Check this out to see what I am talking about. It cracked me up. Mind you, any 12 year old kid from the local Christian school could demonstrate the poor hermeneutics employed by this site, but it is funny nonetheless.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2009-02-23T14:10:00.001-06:00

And no it isn't the holiday season. It's LOBSTERFEST! Note that it is FEST not FEAST, though most of the platters are indeed feasts. People have nearly as much problem with differentiating those two words as I do between lose and loose.

I haven't mentioned a promo here in a long time, but Lobsterfest cannot pass without note by me. Because you see, Lobsterfest is perhaps the only redeeming time of the year to work for Red Lobster. Our average ticket prices jump by quite a bit (though we'll see what effect the economy has on this), especially on Friday through Sunday shifts. But even lunch and afternoon shifts can become worthwhile if you hit the right customers who are ordering these big ticket item dishes.

Now to all you servers out there, I know Darden has pulled back A LOT on the idea of suggestive selling, but I for one will tell you it works. Push these meals, but not in a pushy way. When someone asks what you like, don't hold back, you like a fat wallet, and you get it from big ticket item meals. Lobster Lover's Dream is the place to be.

So get out there and sell your asses off, it'll be worth it!

Why does Lobsterfest rock extra hard? Because one of the few wise things Darden has ever done, they paired it with Lent. Lent means Catholics not eating meat. Lent means Catholics flocking to seafood restaurants after mass. Lent means Red Lobster servers all saying "Praise Jesus" for the traffic it drives our direction.

Lobster
Lover’s Dream^®

A succulent rock lobster tail and sweet split Maine lobster tail, roasted and served with shrimp, lobster and langostino linguini Alfredo. 31.50

Cape Cod
Lobster and Salmon

A roasted split Maine lobster tail with wood-grilled, fresh salmon topped with Maine and langostino lobster meat in a creamy lobster butter sauce. Served over wild rice pilaf. 25.99

Roasted Rock Lobster and Grilled
Jumbo Shrimp

A roasted rock lobster tail paired with skewered, wood-grilled jumbo shrimp topped with creamy lobster butter sauce. Served over wild rice pilaf. 24.99

Rock Island
Stuffed Tilapia

Fresh tilapia roasted with crab-and-seafood stuffing and topped with langostino lobster meat in a creamy lobster butter sauce. 16.50

Seaport Lobster and Shrimp

Two wood-grilled petite Maine lobster tails, savory garlic shrimp scampi and a skewer of garlic-grilled jumbo shrimp. Served with wild rice pilaf. 24.50

Wood-Grilled Surf and Turf*

Two petite Maine lobster tails and a lightly seasoned center-cut sirloin, grilled over a wood fire and served over wild rice pilaf. 25.99

Ultimate Feast®

A tender split Maine lobster tail, steamed snow crab legs, garlic shrimp scampi and Walt’s Favorite Shrimp. 24.99

Steak* Lobster-and-Shrimp Oscar

A wood-grilled NY Strip topped with Maine lobster meat, tender shrimp and fresh asparagus in a white wine and lobster butter sauce over mashed potatoes. 23.99

Lobster
Nachos

Crispy tortilla chips topped with langostino lobster meat, creamy Cheddar and Monterey Jack cheese, fresh pico de gallo, jalapeño peppers and sour cream. 9.50

Sex in a stall

2009-02-19T10:37:00.004-06:00

Ladies, just how much do you have to have to drink before you'll slink into the men's room to bang your boy?

I have yet to meet the lady who jumps at the chance for bathroom stall action that is a keeper. Just a note for you guys out there.

This comes to mind since February is the month of "love". More like the month of morons if you ask your average server.

I mean seriously - getting it on in a chain restaurant bathroom? How romantic. Hey baby, watch out, there's a booger on the wall above you left shoulder and I want to thrust harder.

Oh honey, it's so hot when you blow me while the guy next door is deucing the Mexican special #7 from last night and just a bit too much tequila. No baby, just hold your breath and you won't notice it too much...

And how about these creeps who bring their paid ladies to the Lobster. Buddy, if your negotiations involve "chedder bisquits" you need to find a new trick. She's not worth it, keep rolling.

It's funny when we see different guys come in with the same ladies. We know of at least 3 ladies who have something working at our store. One lady is in at least once a month, so she's pretty easy to keep track of. The other two are more random. A couple of months ago, one was in twice in three nights. Different guys both times. And believe me, the ladies are never the ones who are paying. For any of it.

And then from time to time, we hear via the news of people getting busted snorting coke in the bathroom of a club. Have these people never been in a club bathroom? I'd rather do a line off a homeless guy's balls. At least then there is a chance of them being cleaned in the last month. WTF? I understand you're stupid enough to be using, and it is likely you are already coked up, but are you really that out of your mind that the best place you can snort your blow is sub third-world stanky?

I'd tap that ass guy

2009-01-06T16:22:00.004-06:00

Today I want to talk about what I believe to be almost an industry standard. I have worked in more restaurants than I care to admit in the last 20 or so years of my life, and in each an every one of them there was at least one guy who fit this category. That category being "hump it if it moves, and if it doesn't move poke it, and then hump it anyhow."

You know the type right? I've (unfortunately ;-) ) never met a woman like this. It's always a guy. He was probably the guy you knew as kids who humped knot holes in trees until he discovered bees like to live there.

He's the guy who goes into the women's bathroom and write his own name and number on the walls.

This is the guy who stands at the service station filling drinks and scoping the dining room for MILFs. And he's the guy who will just walk by you and state a table number, just assuming you want to go see the lady at table 26 as well.

This is the guy who is constantly trailing around any new hire, knowing she hasn't been here long enough to be repulsed by him yet. He's also the guy that at least a handful of ladies you work with have slept with after one (or more likely ten) drinks too many. And he's never discreet after he bangs you. Remember Wesley Snipe's character from "Major League"? This guy is like him, only he hangs panties on his wall instead of batting gloves.
And yet women keep screwing him. I worked with one of these guys, who openly admitted to having had a couple of STD's over the years, and yet women still mounted him with great regularity. More often than not I think it was he relentlessness in pursuing them, and his inability to understand "not interested".

I would regularly warn my new female trainees in one restaurant. I'd warn them that he's going to be friendly and persuasive and that he has a history. And I would warn them if they were lured in, to not allow him to video it, because people won't forget that (really!). I wouldn't ever go beyond that, but I felt I had to do something at least. In the end, it's still their choice, and I'm not a babysitter nor their parent.

And don't think for a moment this is limited to straight males. I've worked with both gay and bi men who fit this mold too. I once worked with a chubby chaser who nearly got a sexual harassment suit because of his fondness for one of our dishwashers. Our dishwasher, in his limited English, tried his best to explain that he didn't like men. At all. Yet tap that ass guy kept on, and on, and on until one of the older Latinos scared him off with the threat of a law suit. And no, the Latinos would never go to the management with this. You'd be more likely to find tap that ass guy dead in a dumpster with his balls chopped off and stuffed in his mouth.

I worked with a guy whose stated goal was to shag someone from each department on our staff in just one summer (management included). He came pretty close supposedly, missing out only on a host because they were all too young or were guys.

Anyone else work with tap that ass guy? What's your story (no names please!)?

Inept Managers In Training

2008-12-30T10:00:00.003-06:00

It cracks me up to see idiot managers flame out. Not good managers mind you, the idiots. One of the worst things for crew morale are managers who can’t grab their own ass with both hands. An experienced staff member can smell incompetence from a mile away. When a new manager comes in, bragging about all their years as a manager of some other dumpy chain (Denny’s, Perkin’s, Waffle House would be some prime candidates), you worry. Then when they back up that concern with incompetence you really worry. Especially if you are the person training them. I’ve trained a lot of people in my years, and only a few of them were 100% incompetent in serving food. Some might be at the 25% level, which is bad, but with a lot of practice, diligence, and good training they will eventually figure it out. But when you have no personality, are afraid of customers, and are too lazy to do the basic components of the job you are being trained for, that is a problem. And it is an absolute train wreck when you are a manager in training. How do I kindly inform my GM that I wouldn’t put you in a section with only a 1 top for you to serve? What am I to tell the regional director, who I've known for more than a decade, when I have to explain he hired a completely inept tool? I don't want to ruin your career, but there's no way in hell I'm turning you loose in another Red Lobster.

Have yourself a very gorilla Christmas!

2008-12-07T14:26:00.002-06:00

Any other Monkey Wrench Gang fans out there? A friend sent me this list the other day. Adapt as needed.

Wal-Mart Pranks

Move the displays into a maze, then stand at the end and congratulate anybody who makes it out.

Hold a box tightly. if people look at you, clutch the box to your chest and say, "Mine."

Hide inside the clothing racks, and when someone begins to look through the racks, stick your head out and say, "Do you mind?"

Stand in the freezer with a sign that says "Do not thaw until3000 A.D."

Take a shampoo bottle to customer service and ask where they keep the realpoo. Let them know the shampoo doesn't work as well.

Go to the checkout line and page yourself. Slip away, then come back 5 minutes later, saying you were paged. Repeat until you're told to leave.

Stick price stickers to yourself and lay on the conveyor belt. When asked what you're doing, say, "I got hungry and ate all my food."

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"

Try on bras over top of your clothes.

Make a trail of lemonade on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy".

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off with the volume controls set at full.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Put a bar of soap on layaway. Let them know you are looking forward to using it.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath department.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Ask for samples of Vagisil.

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!! pick me!!"
and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Chocolate Truffles Recipe

2008-11-13T11:24:00.003-06:00

Here's something I haven't done in quite a while - a recipe! This comes from Alton Brown, one of my favorite TV personalities (let alone food personalities!). I love Brown's quirky earthiness. And we seem to have the same taste in foods. Plus he ride a motorcycle, which adds to our bond. The below recipe is outstanding, and quite simple if you make multiple batches. They work great as gifts in the upcoming gift giving season if you wrap them up in a cheap and simply customized hand crafted box. Or wrap the box in shiny wrapping paper and tie some ribbon around it and people will think you are a rock star gift giver. And did I mention they are delicious!?!

Ingredients

10 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped fine
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 tablespoon light corn syrup
1/4 cup brandy
1/2 cup Dutch process cocoa powder, finely chopped nuts, and/or toasted coconut, for coating truffles
8 ounces semisweet or bittersweet chocolate, chopped fine

Directions

Place the 10 ounces of chocolate and butter in a medium size glass mixing bowl. Microwave for 30 seconds. Remove and stir, and repeat this process 1 more time. Set aside.

Heat the heavy cream and corn syrup in a small saucepan over medium heat until simmering. Remove from the heat and pour the mixture over the melted chocolate mixture; let stand for 2 minutes. Using a rubber spatula, stir gently, starting in the middle of bowl and working in concentric circles until all chocolate is melted and mixture is smooth and creamy. Gently stir in the brandy. Pour the mixture into an 8 by 8-inch glass baking dish and place in the refrigerator for 1 hour.

Using a melon baller, scoop chocolate onto a sheet pan lined with parchment paper and return to the refrigerator for 30 minutes.

Place the cocoa powder, nuts, and/or toasted coconut each in its own pie pan and set aside.

In the meantime, place the 8 ounces of chocolate into a medium mixing bowl which is sitting on top of a heating pad lined bowl, with the heating pad set to medium. Depending on the heating pad, you may need to adjust the heat up or down. Stirring the chocolate occasionally, test the temperature of the chocolate and continue heating until it reaches 90 to 92 degrees F; do not allow the chocolate to go above 94 degrees F. If you do, the coating will not have a nice snap to it when you bite into the chocolate. Once you have reached the optimal temperature, adjust the heat to maintain it.

Remove the truffles from the refrigerator and shape into balls by rolling between the palms of your hands. Use powder-free vinyl or latex gloves, if desired.

Dip an ice cream scoop into the chocolate and turn upside down to remove excess chocolate. Place truffles 1 at time into the scoop and roll around until coated. Then place the truffle into the dish with either the cocoa powder, nuts or coconut. Move the truffle around to coat; leave truffle in the coating for 10 to 15 seconds before removing. In the meantime, continue placing the chocolate-coated truffles in the cocoa or other secondary coating. After 10 to 15 seconds, remove the truffle to a parchment lined sheet pan. Repeat until all truffles are coated. Allow to set in a cool dry place for at least 1 hour; or store in an airtight container in the refrigerator. Truffles are best when served at room temperature.

Waiting on the homeless

2008-11-03T09:36:00.004-06:00

My restaurant is in a major metro area. That means with all the good of a large population comes some of the bad - like a large population of homeless and transient people. I generally try to help out those in need, though I won't give them money. I do give to a local homeless shelter, and I do buy people meals. But never money. Ever.

From time to time we will get a transient through our store since we are close to the downtown area where many panhandle and live. In my years, I've waited on a handful of people who fit this category. Often with interesting stories to tell from that experience. My most recent experience was over a lunch, and the man while dirty, smelly and unkempt was nonetheless polite and still tipped. He had the endless soup, and he was one of the few who got their monies worth. Had it not been scalding hot soup, I might have suspected he was storing it, but he deliberately ate more soup that any person I have ever seen. Almost 4 bowls worth! (1 bowl +5 cups, and a salad and about 4 biscuits!)

Other times things don't go so well. A few years ago I was working in our bar area and a homeless woman sat herself in my section. It was a slow Saturday afternoon, so I wasn't particularly worried about her costing me a table. I approached her, and it was clear from the start that something was off, she had some mental problems, which are all too common among the homeless population (we'll see if Obama does anything toward that end, I doubt it). I began my table approach while she was trying to avoid direct eye contact - but it wasn't the look down of shame, it was the look around like something is trying to get you. This lady was scary crazy looking and appeared to be quite unstable besides, quite possibly drug related from her twitchy neurotic behavior. As I told her about the fresh fish she slapped her hand on the table and looked me dead in the eyes.

"Bring me some chicken or I am going to shit my pants." she said in a fairly low tone. Wow. That's a new one I thought. I looked around to see if anyone was else was close enough to hear her. I was also wondering if I was on "Punked". The bartender was watching, but he was far enough away that he couldn't hear her (I confirmed later).

I explained we have a grilled chicken breast, a chicken sandwich, or chicken strips and pointed in their general direction on the menu.

"I need chicken. Bring me some chicken or I am going to shit my pants!" she said much louder this time. I saw the host's head snap around toward me out of the corner of my eye. The host was 20-25 feet away, so this time it was pretty loud.

I was weighing whether this was a form of extortion, or whether it was the full-on crazy in effect. I was leaning toward extortion.

"What can I get you to drink with your chicken ma'am?"

"Whiskey. (she slaps the table again) Put it right damn here! The whole bottle if you know what's good for you!" She then looks away and begins to pick her nose. A strange, but clear, dismissal.

On a normal slow afternoon I might let this one ride to see where things go, but I got a feeling from my interaction with the lady that things were not going to improve if/when I brought her some chicken. So I approached the manager (a new but quite competent manager), and asked what she thought we should do. In the moment it took for me to talk to the manager, the lady apparently walked up to our lobster tank and reached in and started fishing around for a lobster. I couldn't see it, but I could hear a host pleading for her to put the lobster back in the tank. Manager heard too, and we made a bee-line for the lobby where the tank was. We arrived to find the lady holding two lobsters, looking at one like she was going to eat it, and the other dangling precariously like she might drop it and kill it. $60+ worth of lobster.

"Where's my chicken?" she yelled. The manager sent the host to grab the other manager and have him call the cops. The manager sprung into negotiation mode, trying to convince the crazy lady to put the lobsters back in the tank. There was even a reference to the movie "Little Mermaid" used.

Within about 2 minutes, the police arrived. They must've been within a block or two as quick as their response time was. As the cops entered the front door, you could see a recognition on their faces of the sitation.

Big burly cop: "Alice, put those lobsters down!"

Alice spins around. "I want some chicken or I am going to shit my pants!" When Alice turned, it became clear to those of us who were in front of her, that she was no longer threatning about shitting herself. Mission accomplished. Amazing how quick that soaked through her tight sweat pants.

The officers asked people to clear out of the lobby, it seems she likes the attention.

"Alice, put the lobsters down. You don't want to hurt them." said cop #2.

"Come on Alice, put the lobsters in the tank and we'll give you a ride to the shelter so you can get cleaned up. I think they are having chicken tonight." said burly cop.

"Chicken?"

"Yeah chicken."

Alice turned, nearly tossed the lobsters into the tank (they appeared to have survived just fine) and walked right out our front door. Cop #2 went with her to get her into the back seat. The smell had begun to make it's way through the lobby and into the bar where I had moved to. I could only imagine what that car ride was going to be like for those two cops.

Burly cop waved me over to where he was talking with the manager. I heard him ask if we wanted to file a complaint or anything, and them manager asked if that would do any good.

"No, not really, it would just create paperwork for me, and she's already got enough in her file, so another one isn't going to make a difference. We don't even know if Alice is her real name. We've had these sorts of run ins with her before. We tried to get her into a state institution, but they wouldn't take her. It is quite sad." Interesting, burly cop has a soft heart.

Manager says that if she comes back that they'll file a complaint, but that in the mean time they'll spray some air freshner and pretend it never happened. Burly cop agrees that is probably the best course of action, and says that he'll tell her she's not welcome here anymore, and that saying that usually helps keep her out of a place for a while.

As the cop gets into the car, I see both officers rolling down their windows. It's going to be a long ride to wherever they are going.

Doing gross things at the table

2008-10-03T01:41:00.003-05:00

Do your customers ever do gross things at your tables (or where you work)? Here's a few stories from my long list.

Guy scratching incessantly at his balls. You're in public. I don't care if your dick is literally on fire, you don't have to touch it this much. And if you put your hands inside your pants to do the "itching", I'm calling the cops.

Adjusting your thong. Yes ladies, you do this in public far too much. Especially those of you exceeding the weight limit for the thong. We don't want to see you digging your string out of any crack in our restaurant. Save that for the internet.

Picking your nose. There is no age this is appropriate for. It's not cute when your 2 year old does it, and it is down right repulsive when your 45 year old husband does it. Go mining for nose goblins elsewhere.

Gross things with children. The list here is so lengthy that I can't even begin to cover them all, but a few are below.

Changing diapers in the dining room. We have changing stations in the bathroom. The rest of the world does not need a whiff of diaper bomb from your ugly crotch dropping. Mounds of pig shit smell better than that.

Sick and barfy kids. If your kid looks sick, acts sick, or has any sort of food allergies I give you three options: 1) Stay the hell home 2) Carry a barf bag 3) A boot to the head. #3 comes into play if you choose to not exercise #1 or #2. Seriously though, nobody wants to see your little poltergeist projectile vomiting popcorn shrimp and apple sauce. And if/when they do - clean it up. Don't expect the restaurant staff to clean up your family bio-hazard. And tip well you prick. I'd bet 7 out of 10 times someone pukes, we the server get 10% or less. It's not our fault dumbass.

Eating food off the floor. You'd be less likely to get a disease if you ate your food off the ground in an alley in the poor section of Calcutta. Restaurant floors (where carpeted) under booths and tables are some of the most filthy places on the earth. Further, why anyone would think it is a good idea to let your kids crawl around under there is beyond my comprehension. The booger picker, pukey kid and the crotch itcher sat there earlier. And all the old lady's used tissues end up here too. And if you live near a farming area, whatever sorts of manuer is available will be found here as well. And maybe Ebola too.