redcouchcatharsis

Gifts. Gifts Everywhere

2012-11-03T00:17:00.002-07:00

Note: This is only applicable to people who live in the Philippines.

In our country, I think, we celebrate the longest Christmas season. We begin preparing at the start of September and it lasts through January (February, for some). Plus, stores are already selling decorations and other Christmas items. Yes, we are that enthusiastic about the holiday season.

So in line with this glorious occasion, Kathleen Perez who owns the blog: Superkape (click on it!), is giving away fashion and beauty items. Details regarding the contest are on her blog. Go check it out!

2012-11-03T00:02:00.001-07:00

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I need your help with this, Sigmund.

2012-11-01T18:49:00.001-07:00

Clearly, this is one of those dreams that are so realistic and unreal at the same time.

At first, I thought it was real since I was just playing with my phone. Suddenly, I get this message that contains a food menu and that I should be ready at some specific time that I've now forgotten. There's nothing really weird about this situation, right? But here goes the clincher: it was sent by none other than badabing badaboom Adam Levine. This is the part wherein I'm suppose to be ecstatic and go fan girl crazy, but I didn't.

-Oh. Right. I forgot to include as when I realized that this was a dream that I absolutely had no control over. Well, when I was tinkering with my phone, I was wondering why I had some sort of commentary as to what I was doing. Plus, there was like a voice inside the voice of my head. Yes, an inception. -

Anyway, I started to read the menu and noticed that the prices were sky high. There is no way I would be able to afford that, I thought. I've decided not to push through with the invitation and watched Game of Thrones instead. While I was watching, there was a ring on the doorbell and lo and behold, my friend whose name and face I can't seem to remember or recognize came and started freaking out on me. She told me she was going with me to that dinner thing with Mr. Levine (actually, she called him Adam, like they were friends or something). Wow. I feel like a third wheel already. I protested all the way to my room and started to lie down on the bed. She then, began to throw clothes in my direction and forced me to wear what she chose. Not bad. What she picked, I mean.

There was the sound of a car parking in front of the house and I checked who it was from the window. Ah, he's arrived. I opened the door to the house for him and mentioned that my friend was coming. He looked at the side and started muttering to himself and then nodded at me. Alright. My still unknown friend went with us to the car and started talking about, again, things that I don't think I will ever remember. It was subtle, but I saw him looking as if he's disappointed. So, I suggested that we eat at another place because the one he picked was not within my range (of affordability? haha).

And that is the end of the dream, friends. How unreal was that? I don't even find him attractive (now). Well, I don't know much about dreams. They seem so real, sometimes.

I Need a Map

2012-10-01T07:15:00.001-07:00

Just a SHORT rant on my reality.

It's funny how I've always looked forward to the day that I march up to the stage and receive my college diploma. I thought it would be a happy and a momentous occasion. It was. No doubt about it. I just never thought what was beyond it. What will I do? I'm not one to plan on those sorts of things. Yes, I know they're important. Well, maybe, I lack certainty. Don't we all? Becoming a psychologist? Ruling the universe? That's not really part of the plan. If there was any. Albeit, I do have the slightest idea of what I know I want. It's not helpful. At least, I don't think so. Or maybe it does. I have no clue whatsoever. I just wish I received my Hogwarts letter. Yes, I'm still stuck there. How...childish. Yet, very me. Funny. I have no qualms with who I am. But I can't, for the love of the old gods, figure out what I want, what I want to become, and many, many, many more.

Maybe I should just be a thespian...a Hollywood star. On second thought, I'm satisfied with being a spinster with dogs instead of cats. Wow. That didn't sound so melancholic. Oh, well, it'll get better. It just takes time. And I hope I won't be too late.

Fin...?

brain drained

2012-09-24T07:41:00.001-07:00

oh the woes of being out of college. we all had a difficult time with reports, papers and theses. pursuing graduate school/medicine/law is a different ball game. higher learning entails a higher amount of work load.

what is life?

i know i'm suppose to be enthusiastic about learning more about the field i've chosen but, lately, (the 2 or 3 weeks i've spent in this hellhole) my (so-called) zest for learning is definitely waning (and fast). plus, i think i'm going insane (see? i've completely disregarded grammar and capitalization) with everything. even to the point that i'm conjuring up a spectre in our bathroom and closet. and yes, we lit our incense sticks and chanted some mumbo jumbo just to get rid of my delusions. back to the subject at hand, i knew getting into graduate school would mean a different set of candle burning tasks. maybe, i just didn't gauge as to how i can handle all the load.

why is it never in my favour?

as i type away, i have readings that speak another language. i have not completely deciphered what it's trying to convey. give up, kiddo. you can't take it anymore. but i'm used to fighting the odds. i should welcome this kind of insanity. it will soon become a normality.

hello, maker.

i've learned false apathy after all this time.

2012-09-22T06:59:00.001-07:00

growing up had its fair share of difficulties. some have been long gone, passe, forever forgotten. however, there are those that we bring up to this stage of life, buried in our hippocampus, buried beneath, suppressed wanting to get out. as for me, it's taboo. even my mind dares not to think of it. albeit the last few weeks, circumstance made me ponder, toying at the situation (more than i should). it's self-destructing each time i try to analyze, to assess. what the heck is going on? how did we freaking come about this point? this is one of those my-life-is-so-friggin-messed-up-right-now moments. this is how it has always been.

the cold war has already commenced since god knows when. subtle. unnoticed. but everybody knows of its existence. well, at least the inside people do. as to the culprit behind this war, the truth escapes me. this isn't a who dunnit scenario. after all, there's always two sides of a story (at least two that is). one side quietly waging war against the other. and in silent retaliation, the other fights back faster than you can think of blitzkrieg. as two opposing sides battle...what of the 'victims'? well, i assume, we all know what happened during the holocaust. let's not elaborate.

why the world war ii analogies?(why not?) what better way to describe this than war (for as mari meia would put it: war is like an endless waltz)? in the past, war has tarnished countries, torn down monuments, ruined bands of friendship and has separated families. war has imposed on us to take sides, whether you are on the right side or on the wrong side (if there is such a thing as right and wrong).

yellow journalism at its best. it's a never ending. poisoning us with half lies and half truths (lies all the same). each side trying implant in my brain what i should believe in. using us as weapons. as vessels to destroy. and when you can't follow orders...the usual lines when being reprimanded goes:

"is that what you want? to be like them?"

or something to this sort:

"who are you depending on? them? well, then. leave and be with them. you belong with their kind."

or the occasional:

"here we go again. acting like him/her. why do you have to be so difficult?"

the sad part of it is you don't know any longer. whether having an attribute of theirs is a good thing or the opposite. you seem to have developed a feeling false apathy. how should i feel?hmmm. should i feel disdain? remorse? appreciation, perhaps? it leaves a person bewildered. they come in subliminal messages, you see. "choose me! i'm better than them. i'm right!"
the dilemma here is that you can't just choose one without 'betraying' the other. regardless of setbacks in character, they should be treated equally. fair and square. no bias.

despite the slight indifference toward this mindless spat, it leaves my thoughts to ponder. someday, will it come to a point wherein i have to make a decision and choose one? should i take one? don't i have other options? i just hope not. for pete's sake, this is not my battle. i will not fight for the reasons you want me to. leave me out of this. i wish to be belgium (or at least i try to be as much as possible).

ambivalence describes the way i think i feel towards you

2012-09-22T06:55:00.002-07:00

lub dub lub dub lub dub

amplified by a thousand per minute

to the point of losing sanity itself

feeling of losing consciousness

stop! halt!

there is something wrong about this system if mine

hard wires?

checking...

virus detected

preparing to delete

just one moment. hold on.

just a glimpse, to check, that is all

plan to delete: abort

reminds me of a cookie in a jar

no. no. no,

surely you jest?...

this is one of those paradoxical puns...

i relish myself in sweet misery.

a guilty pleasure, perhaps?

so then, the canary decides to observe

suggested plan of action:

none.

*was i such a sap? damn...

someday, aneurism will get a hold of me

2012-09-22T06:46:00.002-07:00

i am in dire need of letting the words come out

Spit it out, i say

Go free

Be engulfed by flames

Express myself. subtle or not.

There is no use in suppressing it.

Risk the explosion of colorful words

And unintended emotions

*whoa. haha was i mad or something?

signs of erotomania

2012-09-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

it was never fair to begin with

both you and i

intertwined

never believed in deux ex machina

there are things that do not require divine intervention

never mind the bottomless pits and shortcuts

fate was never in my favor

they are slaps on the face. wake up calls

it's over you and i

the inevitable end

the senseless beginning

was there even a moment to begin with?

all so bittersweet

but all in the mind.

*2 years ago. what the hell?

do normal people feel depressed for no reason?

2012-09-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

I seriously feel the anxiety, even if there's no stimulus. That's just me, sometimes. My heart either skips a beat or it drums loudly and at an accelerating rate. Why does it suddenly do that? The thought plagues me for hours. I've tried distracting myself by reading or watching cartoons,but to no avail. This state that I'm in? It's frustrating me for many reasons. Number one is "How in seven hells am I going to get rid of this?".

There are cases, however, when I make such a fuss about other things that haven't even started yet. Take for example, my impending academic life. I'm not waiting for something terrible to happen. I just know for a fact that terrible things occur whenever I pursue, well, anything for that matter. Despite the negativity, I try not to dwell (really?) on those things. I seriously do...not.

After all this, I just want to look for a way stop this...THIS. I think I need someone to write to, even talk to.

no waving of white flags here

2012-09-07T06:35:00.001-07:00

don't you find it irritating when you're not given the chance to explain yourself? you're not lying. you just want your point to be heard. you're merely saying something in defense to those...accusations.

i haven't done anything.

i didn't mean it that way.

and it falls to deaf ears. why do i even bother? well, because i have to prove that I've not committed anything wrong. i mean, if you're already angry, please, don't redirect it towards an innocent. you're just waiting for another fight to happen. and i'm telling you, it's never pretty. never was. never will be.

the best part of it is the chest pounding never subsides. thinking about the situation only fuels it and it keeps you typing.

dear you,

2012-08-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

so i'm writing this to you.

how about a minute? i cannot seem to fathom the lack of time. don't i sound desperate? funny. but it feels crappy. all the self-blame, the denial, unspoken anger. all i can do is scoff. psssh. oh what the hell. i'm not doing anything about it. i can't put the words together. i can't make you understand. after all, i should do ALL the understanding. i am THE EXPERT when it comes to human behaviour. yeah, that's me. i have to adjust too. i have to make do.

why do i have to exert so much effort? and to think i prefer to be by myself. i feel so out of touch anyway. i'm not included anyway. it wouldn't be a problem. gaaah. this sounds like a freaking diary entry. "dear diary, i shouldn't have..." sad, isn't it? it's true.

so, what the hell should i do?

nothing.

no thanks to you.

not sincerely yours,

plan 748937592107527421984

2012-08-27T06:48:00.001-07:00

i know. i should be working on my plans for world domination...bah. who am i kidding? my formal report needs editing (ctrl+c and ctrl+v). well, in the mean time.

enter musings...

sometimes you're too self-absorbed that you forget that you forget to pay heed to other people. it's not that your opinion doesn't matter. it's more of THEIR opinion also matters. in fact, it may be better than yours. besides, at the end of the day, YOU get to decide. what i'm saying is that you should seek other possibilities, weigh in options...

bent ego

2011-09-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

just like ~~an inkblot~~ a speck of dust -a waste of necessary space
try as you might to get rid of it
you won't even notice
the presence
the opinion
the memory
what a brooder
a true blue introvert
lost in one's thoughts
preferring to stay
than face nonchalant reality
with deaf ears and blind eyes
the turning of heads and the unassertive hand
there is no way out
just all in the mind

* i don't even know what i wrote...or do i?.......

scrambled eggs: my (possible) life in shambles [unedited]

2011-09-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

Having options give you a wider range of possibilities. Choosing the ~~right~~ path that will pave way to the right direction is a tough decision. It is not advisable to sort it out overnight. A thorough scan of the brain and heart (and by that i meant metaphorically...i mean it literally just pumps blood) is implemented. Forget about the id, the ego is at work in partnership with the frontal lobe (wait...is that the superego or something?). But the amygdala's occasional synapses hinders full ~~focus~~ concentration. Fret not, the right answer will come; be it in a form of a epiphany or plain coincidence.

Even though the pressure starts to increase, ~~keep~~ press on. One must take CHANCES and weigh in CONSEQUENCES. At least, that is what you try to tell yourself. In reality, every option is laced with ~~absolute~~ ~~despicable~~ undeniable fear of failure. There is a also the mindset of an existentialist: "What is my purpose?" "How will I be able to satisfy my intrinsic needs?". Go forth and philosophize(?)...

Becoming a hobo is DEFINITELY out of the question. There is a sense of dread that accompanies the life of that of a hobo. A hermit lifestyle would not suffice either. Hello, multitudes-of-animals-I-am-not-Noah and welcome to my humble abode. The superego suppresses those ruminations. SAPERE AUDE. Dare to know. To go beyond the borders of your comfort zone. Keep steady the reins of your imagination within the bounds of reality. Awl iz vell [(it's how rancho pronounces it)-> movie: 3IDIOTS]. The zone of actuality is vast. Still the dust has not settled. Gravity is playing a prank on you.

Impatience never really worked for anybody. It keeps the mind fixated on negativity and ~~RIDDIKULUS~~ ridiculous what-ifs: "What if it turns out to be bullocks?" "What if something goes wrong?" What if I regret about the whole shebang?". Yes, a whole lot of WHAT-IFs...

So stop hurting your brain and begin commencing action. After all, what could possibly (not) happen? Albeit the fear is very much pronounced, do not consign to oblivion that inaction may lead to a dire aftermath (or can of worms if you prefer). Not knowing what to write after another chapter is done is excruciatingly difficult to handle.

Where should I fare from here? I'm at a point wherein I just walloped some random git at the Leaky Cauldron. What in blue blazes... And here I thought everything would be smooth sailing after this whole hullabaloo. I reckon this whole mess is because of ME! I haven't fully grasped the concept of these sorts of things. How could I? No amount of books can provide me with an adequate answer. No, not even a green-lightsaber-weilding-puny-big-eyed-alien can do that. What I do know (nooooooo! really?) is that it is up to ME MOI AKO. and...that's not an easy feat to accomplish...

now, where do I begin?

that neighbour of mine

2011-07-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

do remember
to weep for the forgotten
lay flowers on the barren wasteland of their memory

for they were there
when times were difficult
when you have triumphed

always present
never seen
just an image of what has been

and what will always be
a shadow, unseen, unheard
never acknowledged

not a pang of sorrow when they've faded
just a strong sense of familiarity and unfamiliarity
a ghost of nothing

so say your empty farewell
and be kind
begone invisible stranger

BUTTA BEE (that's how they say butterbeer...where i'm from anyway)

2011-06-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

1 cup (8 oz) club soda or cream soda
½ cup (4 oz) butterscotch syrup (ice cream topping)
½ tablespoon butter

Directions:

Step 1: Measure butterscotch and butter into a 2 cup (16 oz) glass. Microwave on high for 1 to 1½ minutes, or until syrup is bubbly and butter is completely incorporated.

Step 2: Stir and cool for 30 seconds, then slowly mix in club soda. Mixture will fizz quite a bit.

Step 3: Serve in two coffee mugs or small glasses; a perfectly warm Hogwarts treat for two!

Celebrate the last installment of the HP series with butterbeer!

i know i'll be :)

someday aneurism will get hold of me

2011-03-29T06:34:00.001-07:00

just hand me a box of chocolates...who knows what i'll get

2011-03-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

it tasted like fresh cacao

how deceiving

how i wish

you'd look at me

no. i shake my head and smirked

i don't want your romance. your ulterior motives (if you have, which i doubt)

i'd rather imagine

long hours on a bench

just talking. sensless.deep

oh, how i wish

but, i wish too hard

our paths don't meet

you wouldn't come my way

not a second thought. or even a thought

damn those cacao beans

note: this is another repost. well i wrote it. but it was originally posted on my facebook account. like that matters. anywho...

2011-03-28T22:46:00.000-07:00

SEE YOU THERE!

QUIT IT

2011-03-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

I HAVE EFFING WRITER'S BLOCK.

I'LL JUST WRITE WHATEVER'S POPPING OUT OF MY BRAIN...HERE GOES

STOP BEING HAUNTING MY DREAMS! S#!+= ARGH.

HMM. A WHOOPIE PIE SOUNDS DELICIOUS RIGHT NOW...(RAIDS THE FRIDGE) DAMN...

SCOTT PILGRIM WAS RAD. WONDER IF I CAN GET A HAIRCUT JUST LIKE RAMONA'S

WHY THE WOULD YOU PUT SEX AND CHOCOLATE TOGETHER, NEIL ETHERIDGE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

SUCKER PUNCH!I <3 BABY DOLL! WAIT...DOES THAT MAKE ME BI?OOHHH

DID YOU SEE THE NEW HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2 POSTER? SIDE PROFILES OF HARRY AND VOLDY...HAHAHAHA THE NOSE DUDE! THE NOSE!

WHAT TO WEAR? AYAY.

chronicles of an aftershock: great leap forward

2011-03-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

time continues running, moving forward. replays are non-existent. but, i don't mind winding back a few tapes from who-knows-when, purely for my own amusement. i have not forgotten. heck, i'm not trying to. don't get me wrong. there WERE several things (my way of saying FEELINGS)involved and i have to admit, there wasn't any heavy drama on our part...not that we had A LOT of time (just saying). surprisingly, whenever i reminisce (cue in emo music) the good (and bad) ol' times, i just laugh to myself. come to think of it...

this is the big piece of ~~junk~~ chunk inside of me (no, not my internal organs, i meant it metaphorically)that FINALLY (choir sings) wants to let it all OUT. i'm not expecting anything. in fact, i have come at peace with pride and denial (all is good...and fair with love...and war). this is me using duct tape to seal numerous boxes inside my mind. but, i'm a little bit hesitant you see... to throw them away.

then i have decided. i won't disregard them (i mean just you...yeah you.) like trash (go green. recycle trash...that can be used again...?). although they've (yep still you) made me burst into tears (until they had to surgically remove my tear ducts), i've gained a different perspective when it comes to other people (yeah. some of them SUCK). the experience truly was insightful. plus, beyond doubt, albeit it took eons, i have moved FORWARD.

without you.

*notes:
yeah. i also wrote that ages ago. so yeah. just wanted to put it here.

2011-03-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

i admire him. straying away from obtuse lyrics (typical FOB). the video (i heard) didn't cost much. but, come on! look at it. AWESOME!

monster unleashed

2011-03-05T00:47:00.000-08:00

abandon all hope
you have been warned
once the jagged talons have sunk
escape is futile

reason is unseen
for it is blinded by crimson reptilian eyes
there is no sense in rationalizing
the mind of destruction

ripping with sharp incisors
leaving the body slightly damaged
and the soul mortally wounded
for it feeds on rage and tears and hope

surveying the casualty
its chest heaves. breath. haggard
it was all an intermittent display
and there lies the savage within