The Diet Wagonista

Yo-yoed

2013-12-09T13:12:00.001+11:00

I didn't realise so much time had passed since I last wrote. Life changed just a little bit ... I got a job. I cannot tell you how surprised I am to have this job, it's a short term contract that takes me up to around Christmas and is keeping me busy.

The commute is losing me about 9 hours a week - it's not a complaint, just a fact of life. (On the days when I have the energy and elbow room, I get in some knitting, so that's a win). Plus I've been working hours much longer than those in Queensland, so there is a lot less time for 'me' stuff right now. Which is why the blog has been horribly neglected.

The week that saw me travel to Queensland to my friend's 30th resulted in weight gain of a kilo. I'm not surprised really. All that alcohol and fatty food. But in the following week I corrected with a loss of 1.3 kilos, so overall was ahead. Don't know how I'll go this week, I suspect it will either be stagnant or a slight gain due to TOM and bloating/water retention. Right now I hate you - HATE YOU - if you are one of those women for whom your period is a mere minor inconvenience rather than a severe shitstorm that temporarily unhinges your life.

I'm still plodding along with the 12wbt - following the diet, not religiously, but fairly closely, has given me a modicum of control. We're now at the start of week 5 - one quarter of the way through. I'm happy continue on with my original plan of using this challenge to get routine and eating back on track and then ramp up the intensity with exercise next time around.

Meanwhile, have some frightfully blurry pictures of meals I've been enjoying while on the plan.

Berry and ricotta bruschetta

French toast with maple poached peaches and yoghurt

Prawn pad thai

Mixed veggie wrap

Satay Chicken and mixed veggies.

Damage control

2013-11-25T10:41:00.003+11:00

Thursday to yesterday (Sunday) was a gluttonous affair. I did not count calories, I drank everything under the sun, ate the worst possible food and generally ignored this twelve week challenge.

Thursday night - due to some scheduling conflicts, we ended up having a five minute dinner of latina stuffed pasta. Sparkling Rosé.
Friday - a KFC burger for lunch (again as a result of poor timing) and Virgin Lounge food for dinner (hot dogs, crackers nuts). A cider and a few glasses of white wine.
Saturday - Brunch of eggs and bacon on Turkish Bread, followed by an afternoon of snacking on party food. Mud cake. Ice cream, ice cream and more ice cream. Many glasses of white wine.

Am now suffering the consequences of my actions.

Yesterday - I had the worst hangover I've had in a very, very long time. Let me tell you, air travel is not fun while you're poisoned. Couldn't even sip water until well into the flight. It was an unpleasant experience for everyone involved. Luckily, I was surrounded by sympathetic friends, who I strongly suspect have been in this situation more than once themselves. The only food I ate yesterday (and kept down) was a KFC burger and 1/2 box chips.

Today, I feel ... weary. I'm still dehydrated and working on getting a few litres of water into my system. I'm strictly eating very clean food. My digestive system feels heavy, sore and bloated - punished for too much alcohol and junk foods, not enough of the stuff that is good for me. My pain levels have increased. I don't know if that's just something that is going to happen now when I travel, or a result of the food etc (maybe I should do some research into managing pain through diet? IDK).

Such attractive imagery.

The weekend away was thoroughly enjoyable but need to learn how to manage myself a bit better. Planning and what-not. I'm terrified of getting on the scales - I fear I've undone all the good work of the proceeding 10 days.

Meanwhile, we're at the start of week three on the 12 week body transformation - good time to refocus and recommit to what I want most. And that is to feel fit and healthy.

Week 2 Weigh-in

2013-11-20T09:28:00.002+11:00

A week of almost religiously sticking to the (heavily customised) plan has paid off.

Between last Wednesday and today, I have lost a whopping

1.8 Kilograms

In one week!!!

That's 4lbs!

That's what eating well, doing a little extra walking and not giving in to the cravings does.

My starting weight (yes, I'll admit it now) 113.3. Eep.

Today's weight 110.9

This coming week may not be as successful. I'm having a very quick trip to Brisbane for a friend's 30th birthday, so I don't have as much control over what I'll be eating. And there will be alcohol. But I'll do my best.

And with food like this, how can I not?

Yesterday's breakfast

A parfait of fruit, yoghurt and granola (with a few ingredients I won't list for copyright reasons)

Yesterday's lunch

Baked ricotta with herbs, mountain bread crisps and crudités

PS If you're enjoying reading my blog, and want to support me (not financially!) etc, I now have a Facebook Page you can 'like'.

Survived

2013-11-18T12:40:00.001+11:00

Friday was far more a struggle than I conveyed in my last post. On the inside, I felt like a three-year-old having an epic tantrum.
Fighting my impulses, controlling them, saying no to myself. It was far from easy to get through. But I did, and now:

I can do this.

Even today, when I am being tortured by horrid allergies, sinus pain and a whopping headache, I don't feel like I've been defeated. Longer term followers of my blog would know I'd be wailing at this point about how unfair life is and that the universe is out to get me.

I know it will happen again. Knowing that I've battled this Boss and defeated it, and scored some pretty good loot (sorry for the nerdy gamer chick reference) - confidence, motivation etc, will hopefully make the next time I face the impulse control demon easier.

12WBT - Week one review

We've now finished the first week of the 12 Week Body Transformation program, so I thought it would be timely to give a quick review.

The Nutrition Plan
So far, I think it's fantastic. Not all the food has been great, (using stock powder as a primary flavour in a recipe - yuck), but the ability to customise menus on a daily basis and have a shopping list automatically generated is a big win for me. Cancelling out meals where I know I won't be at home, knowing that Saturday night gets to be a special treat, calories-aren't-counted meal is something to look forward to, and making sure there are choices that my darling fusspot will eat makes it easy and comparatively stress free. There is also an ability to program in left over meals if you're making a recipe that caters to more than the number of people you are feeding - reducing wasted food, a big problem I have had on a certain other program that helps you watch your weight.

The only downside (and it's a pretty minor one) is the way the nutrition plans are classified. I've put myself on the 1500 calories per day diet because I know that this will work better for my psychologically. Also, I have a lot to lose, so when I get closer to my final goal I can drop down to the 1200 calorie plan.

The Exercise Plan
To be honest, I've ignored most of this due to still being in recovery mode. From what I've seen, I'm impressed that it caters for people who go to they gym and use either machines/weights or attend classes, and for people who exercise at home. You're asked to workout 6 out of 7 days, but I know I'll end up with worse injuries if I do that, so I'm starting with 2-3 days and I hope by the end of the 12 weeks I can do 6 days per week.

The support
Forums have helped me this time - participating in and reading. It's good to know there are other people out there facing the exact same challenges as me. Seeing how other people deal with it - 'confessions' of people who have 'broken' the diet and people who've battled their demons and won. I'm not comparing myself to anyone else either, so seeing people who have lost a huge amount of kilos this week isn't getting me down and making me feel like a failure. I'm in the tortoise zone.

There are also podcasts and vodcasts to help participants along the way. These have been helpful. Motivating.

Despite being ill, I feel hopeful. Like in 11 weeks from now (which, you should know is the day I turn 36 - mark it in your calendars, people!!) I'll be happy with the result.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return to the horizontal before my head explodes.

Danger Zone

2013-11-15T15:19:00.001+11:00

Friday afternoon and I'm heading right into the ...

I'm uncomfortably cold, a little sad after getting yet another job rejection and slightly immobile while my sore hip & shoulder settle down.

I want to eat.

Stuff myself on hot, filling food that will provide pyrrhic comfort. Radiate heat from the inside.

I'm dreaming of deep-pan Pizza, cheese toasties, freshly made custard, rich hot chocolate. All manner of things that will destroy the good work I've done over the past few days. To counter it, I'm keeping my hands busy with my current knitting project and am up to the gills in hot tea (Girly Grey).

Can't remember the last time I fought so strongly against myself like this. I so very rarely sacrifice what I want now for what I want long term. My weight problem is fairly reflective of my entire approach to life - short term wins and deal with the longer term consequences later.

On one hand I feel so out of control with the desire to eat all the things yet on the other so determined to not give in and get the long term goals.

This is so. frickin'. hard.

Be the Tortoise

2013-11-13T08:17:00.001+11:00

It seems odd to have the first weigh-in at the start of day three, rather than on day 7. I assume there is a good psychological reason for this, and is a good motivator to keep going.

In two days, I'm down half a kilo.

Happy with that.

Only 47 point something to go.

Just like the tortoise, I'll be winning this race by taking it one step at a time.

The Hare represents the shortcuts - Duromine (evil diet pill), starvation & binge cycles, exercising myself into severe injury. Not doing any of those any more as we all know they just don't work.

Slow and steady.

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line

2013-11-11T12:48:00.000+11:00

I thought I would be excited, raring to go.

Never have been so guttered, so embarrassed so full of hatred and self-loathing for myself.

There's not a word in my vocabulary that can appropriately convey how utterly wretched I feel right now.

Fairly sure my depression has resurfaced in a big way, which helps nothing.

Truth. It hurts.

The weigh-in. Since moving to Melbourne, I've gained another three kilos. Twenty-seven in total since I hurt my back in April 2010. I have gained 42 kilos since I hit my lowest ever adult weight in November 2006. I'm 48 above what is considered the maximum healthy weight for my height.

The 'before' photo. I have a photo of me, in my underwear from this morning and it is just awful. I'm so humiliated.

My measurements are just as revolting

Bust: 127 cms (that's 50 inches, people. fucking ridiculous)

Waist: 116

Hips: 126.

I saw this quote a few days ago, and I'm desperately clinging to it. It's my life raft in the sea of despair that's threatening to drown me. The only way I can change my body is if I change my lifestyle.

Even though the only thing I want to do is hide in bed and smother my sorrows in a doona and Tim Tams, I'm not.

I have a bag packed so that I can go straight to the gym after my phone interview this afternoon. I've already perused the menu for tonight's Stitch n Bitch session and committed to having the one salad on the menu (although I *really* want the duck).

I've had the healthy breakfast offering from the menu plan. I want to skip lunch, but know if I do, I won't get to the gym.

To quote the first line from one of my favourite songs, I feel 'reluctantly crouched at the starting line'.

84

2013-11-10T20:16:00.001+11:00

84 days

12 weeks

One commitment.

The 12 Week Body Transformation. I've signed up and it starts tomorrow!

I'm turning my back on the curse - I am not going to drop out after an injury.

I've committed to eating healthily.

I've committed to regular exercise.

I've committed to participating in a community with other people who, like me are using the next 12 weeks to make some life changes.

I'm a little scared I've set myself up to fail - but I have also set myself up to succeed.

Chances of success are already higher than my more recent attempts. Not only do I have a menu plan, We have a week's worth of food purchased, ready to go. There's fresh fruit, vegetables, lean meat, eggs, and dairy. My diary booked with appointments for exercising and I've marked the big events over the next 12 weeks - my birthday is at the end of week 11 and let's not talk about Christmas. But I'm not going to let any of them derail me.

After all, I've only got to do this 84 times. Thinking about the rest of my life, it's really not that much of a commitment.

But it's enough of a commitment that I can become the person I want to be.

Eating Better: Breakfasts

2013-10-21T10:04:00.004+11:00

All of those so-called 'diet rules' I imposed on myself failed at one point or another. Because, as we all know, diets don't work.

No alcohol during the week? been having a cider most nights
No white bread: that's all we seem to have in the house.
No pasta ... pasta salad for lunch on Saturday.

And so it goes.

However, I have been making a rather concerted effort to make good breakfast choices. I'd say 90% of my breakfasts have been good choices. By good I mean tasty breakfasts that keep me going until lunchtime, with a small snack for morning tea, rather than loitering in the kitchen scoffing anything I can lay my hands on.

I've mentioned it before - everyone's bodies works differently. I eat a bowl of cereal and I'm hungry again 15 minutes later. Audible, embarrassing stomach growling. I think this is why Lite N Easy didn't work for me - the macronutrients (carbs, fats, and proteins) weren't balanced in my favour. Even worse, if I go too long without food I get cranky. Don't understand these 'Oh, I forgot to eat' types. I'll cut a bitch if I don't get to have a meal.

So, what have I been eating, dear readers? It's been varied, but here are my top three choices:

1. Perfect Porridge
Using rolled oats (not the quick cook or microwave options), cooked on the stove and topped with yoghurt and fruit. If you'd like my method for making porridge, let me know in the comments and I'll write a post for it.

2. Smoothies
Milk, Yoghurt, fruit. Blend. Use a yoghurt with a higher protein content. Avoid ones that have artificial sweetener. Add a teaspoon of nut butter for a little extra protein and fat. Freeze the bananas for a thicker smoothie-like consistency. This option also takes less than five minutes to prepare and drink. Good for those mornings when you're in a rush.

3. Eggs
Boil 'em, poach 'em, stick 'em in the oven. Have them however you like them. Except fried in loads of butter/oil/bacon grease. Sigh. bacon grease cooked eggs are so tasty but not really good for the waistline (or heart for that matter). My favourite ways to have eggs are as an omelette wrapped in a wholemeal tortilla; cooked in baked beans, and dry fried with sautéed mushrooms.

Got any other fab breakfast ideas? Add them in the comments.

Til next time,
Pen.

Quick update

2013-10-16T09:04:00.004+11:00

Results confirm lump on leg is a tumour - but it's benign. Ugly and nothing to worry about.

Yay-ish.

Since I last wrote, I've been trying to pretend I'm not in as much pain as I find myself in. Driving for many hours to spend a wonderful weekend with Mr Pen's parents screwed my body up. Which kind of sucks, but if I want to go and see any of the lovely countryside I now find myself in, this is the price I pay. I'm off to have a massage and hopefully an elbow in my butt (cheek) will fix me up ready to take another visit to the gym. In future, I'll book massage/physio/osteo appointments to attend as soon as I'm back, rather than waiting a week and a half and making no progress on my big goals.

Best get moving - the massage awaits.

Hello exasperation

2013-10-04T09:37:00.000+10:00

Yesterday, I took a little visit to the doctor concerned about a discoloured lump on my left shin. It first appeared three years ago. A couple of nights ago, when I shaved my legs for the first time in months I noticed that it has increased in size, it's darker and is now irregularly shaped. All the signs that something could possibly be not quite right.

After Tuesday's success with planning for the gym, I followed suit - this time I wore my gym clothes to the doctor. No excuses. However, the doctor agreed with me about the lump on my shin and decided we needed to find out what's going on. A 5x2 mm piece removed for a biopsy and two stitches later, I'm out the door.

No strenuous exercise until the stitches are out in about 9 days time because there's not much tissue/muscles etc under the spot where the biopsy was removed. On the plus side, the osteopath has cleared me to start ramping up the intensity -- slowly. In 9 days from now I'll go back to the gym.

Hello exasperation.

PSA: Summer is on its way. Remember to keep yourself well protected from the Sun's nasty rays. Slip, slop, slap, wrap and have your skin checked by a GP if you've ever been out of doors unprotected

The First Step is Always the Hardest

2013-10-02T09:13:00.001+10:00

It's only taken a little over two months, but I finally took my ~~sorry~~ fat arse to the gym.

I've intended to go ever since I arrived in Melbourne. At first, it wasn't feasible - bad asthma, a dodgy foot. Then ... no excuses. Until I went to an osteopath who said my body was too screwed up to do much more than walking for a few weeks. I have at least been doing the rehab exercises and can see a little improvement.

I'm Scared.

Scared that I don't have the capacity or energy to throw myself back into it. My mind still wants me to be the 8 times a week gym junkie I was in 2006. But I'm not that person any more, either mentally or physically, so it's time to let go and stop trying to get back to where I was.

Scared I'm going to get back into the routine, get injured and go through all of this all over again. Scared of gaining control and then losing it again. Scared to crawl out of the cocoon of numbness that I've been shrouded in for so long.

Scared to fail. Even more scared to succeed.

Yesterday, one little thing changed. I packed my gym bag and put it in the car. I had it with me when I drove to the shopping centre. I waddled up to the gym, gave my contact details and wandered inside. Realised I had no idea where the change rooms were, so sheepishly went back to the desk and asked for help. Once shown where they were, quickly changed and did what felt like the most piss-poor excuse for a workout ever. Post-workout thoughts "10 minutes on the elliptical trainer? Loser. 1.34 kms in 16:52 minutes on the Treadmill? Pathetic!" Thanks for the vote of confidence, brain. Screw you, bad thoughts.

But you know what? I'll do it again tomorrow. It will still feel poor workout, but it will be better than than yesterday's. The key right now is to not over-exert myself and get injured again. Eventually, I'll be doing workouts that make me feel proud of the effort and not feel like a shambling land-whale. The only way to kill this feeling is to chip away at it one workout at a time.

Taking that first step is always the hardest. The second one is a hell of a lot easier.

Le Sigh.

2013-09-24T08:37:00.000+10:00

Photo by Alan @ Photobat

This photo was taken on 19 September 2013. I'm the one in the back of the photo.

I barely recognise myself any more. I look so pudgy and bloated. I have a moon face - my eyes are becoming lost in my cheeks. At least my makeup looks good!

Funny thing is, I still don't feel any different to what I did at lighter weights, except when I see photos of me taken by other people. I believe it's called body dysmorphia. I thought I was as fat then as I am now. But the photos tell the truth. I'm not just fat, I'm huge. And if I gain any more weight I'm going to have my own gravitational force.

This cannot continue. I know I've said it before. You're probably tired of me saying this. I'm tired of it. I feel pathetic. I hate how apathetic I've been to my health and weight. The ostrich burying-head-in-sand approach no longer works. I'm miserable and full of self-loathing for my ineptitude.

Exercise - I'm terrified of it right now. Because I don't want to get injured and wind up in more pain than I'm in. Taking steps to minimise this by working with an osteopath.

Diet - I've actually got to *cue scary music* Diet. No more 'just being good' No more 'making best choices'. but for the next couple of months I'm going hardcore. Tracking calories, menu plans, eschewing lollies, chocolate, white bread, pastry, alcohol (during the week), rice and pasta. If I keep my diet varied and tasty, I won't miss these things at all. Allowed one cheat meal per week otherwise I risk failing and go on mega binge.

This isn't a 'gunna' list either - I've already started. Yesterday was day 1 and I didn't break. I have a menu plan written out. I have exercise scheduled for two days this week and will gradually increase this as I'm given the ok.

I know I can't do this alone. That's why I keep coming back to the blog. Writing it down and getting it out.

Sick of going around in loops with this shit. So annoyed at myself for continually failing. I need to get competitive with myself and make this happen. After all, on my short list of things I want more than anything, it's the one thing I have 100% control over.

Writing it out makes me feel better. Hopeful.

Melbourne - settling in

2013-09-02T09:18:00.000+10:00

Five weeks I've been a resident of Melbourne. I've been in an odd head state - moving between excitement, depression and happiness

Excited to be now living in what I think is the best city in Australia.

Depressed because I miss my friends dreadfully (although Google hangouts are helping to take away some of that pain)

Happy that I'm now back living with Mr Redpen and that I'm developing a couple of friendships here.

My days have been filled with unpacking, tidying and pretending to be Miss Domestic Goddess 2013. I haven't really started doing any of the things I'd envisaged myself doing once I was here - shopping at the QV markets, hitting the gym on a daily basis, eating well and getting self into shape.

Admittedly, my response to the colder weather didn't help; while it wasn't as bad as I expected, it still triggered some deep seated hibernation response which made me want to just curl up and do next to nothing. Waste time playing stupid ipad games when I could be doing so many other things. I despise myself ever so slightly for losing so many hours that way.

I haven't adventured much. I've been staying close to home, in part due to wanting to get the house 'finished' before I start playing tourist in my new home city, but also the whole not working and living on half pay is making me hoard my cash like some kind of digital dragon. I've never been one for not spending so this is a new and difficult experience.

My writing feels so rusty. My thoughts are scattered, like pollen in the early spring breezes. Trying to collect them is difficult. Can I even do this any more? Is it worth my time trying to write this? Is it worth your time trying to read it?

ANYWAY, history has shown me that regular blogging is my key motivator for pursuing a healthy diet and active lifestyle. So here I am, back at the keyboard, hoping that this time I can do it.

The Babe Restoration Project is operational once again.

The end is the beginning is the end

2013-07-10T10:59:00.001+10:00

Thanks Smashing Pumpkins for the title of today's blog post.

It's here. It's finally here. My very first day no longer working as a Queensland public servant.

Emotions are quite mixed - I'm so exited to be moving on. After 15 years working in social housing in all its various guises, a change is most welcome. I'm bored wit the subject matter and ready to dive into something new.

I'm sad to be leaving my colleagues. The people I'm surrounded by are some of the most passionate, intelligent and socially-conscious types you could ever imagine working with. Everyone here wants to make life better for those who are in need. Trying to get things done in the most political of environments is a challenge at the best of times, and without going into too much detail, I can assure you that these are not the best of times for those of us working under the Newman Government.

Tuesday was my farewell morning tea and I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed by the send-off I was given. Apart from the attendance of many and a lovely voucher to spend in my favourite yarn shop, not one but two cards were needed for everyone to write their words of goodbye.

If you're a colleague/former colleague from Housing Services/Department of Housing and reading this, thank you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, your passions, your commitment to getting things done. I've learned so much, everything really, from you.

Looking forward though, I'm getting ready to spend as much time as I can with my Brisbane buddies before I head off. This weekend I'm off to another 'knit camp' (Qld Spinners, Weavers and Fibre Artists) before I have to throw myself completely into packing up the apartment and life and head south.

From the lows to the highs

2013-06-10T21:09:00.001+10:00

Apologies for the blackness of my last post, folks. A combination of a depression low, PMS hormones and general wallowing generated the fuel for that rant.

This post is also emotionally fuelled, but it's a positive one.

In the last two-three weeks, I've lost 4.5 kilos, without any deliberately effort. I haven't increased my exercise that much and I haven't been tracking what I eat. I know I've been been eating less, even if all of my choices aren't that great. I'm not overeating and even surprising myself that things get left on the plate when I'm full.

I know that the loss is unsustainable at the current rate. To get real results I have to institute some more stringent planning and execution. GIven it's exactly one month today until I start the road trip to move to Melbourne, there is little room in my schedule for more that cursory nod in the direction of planning. One day at a time is all I can manage right now.

The greatest revalation however is the change in how I feel about myself. I can't exactly say why or how it happened, just note it has. I no longer 'need' to lose the weight. I don't hate myself right now. I want to take care of myself, rather than continually punish myself with too much or not enough of wrong and right things.

It's strangely empowering.

And it's making me happy.

Through tears

2013-05-23T20:24:00.000+10:00

Suspended between life here and life there. Things are going to be changing yet nothing is moving in that direction yet.

He's there.

I'm still here.

This time was supposed to be all about me. A selfish, last fling with independent living. To make changes while I had the alone time to do it.

Nothing has happened. In fact I'm more the same, if not worse.

The pain of being separated took more of a hold than I expected it would. I've been constantly staring into the Abyss. Dark dog days have been present more often than not.

And it's taken its toll. Physically, emotionally, financially. Trying to fill a void that while temporary is more consuming that I care to admit.

Then there is the fear of leaving behind all that is secure. My job - even though the work is no longer interesting, the people are lovely. My friends. I'm breaking up with my independence.

I'm getting everything I want and at the same time nothing. Comfort binging. Not exercising. Expanding rapidly. Hating what I am right now. My inspiration and motivation are gone. Shrouded by black abyss.

Lost in the space of my own brain.

Drifting. Searching for something to cling to.

But not someone.

Channel 7 is forcing me to become a pirate

2013-05-01T15:45:00.002+10:00

Recently, I started watching Castle. It's a great show. Nathan Fillion is one of my favourite actors and I love the way the relationships between the core cast are playing out.

I've been buying the episodes on iTunes. Season 5 is currently on air, and available through iTunes on a bought a season pass. When I bought the season Sunday week ago, there were only 13 episodes available. This Sunday, there were still only 13 episodes available. Given 20 or 21 episodes had been aired in the US at this point, I fired off a quick email to iTunes asking when the remaining episodes would be available on the season pass.

This is the email I received back - I will give them credit for the very fast response:

"I understand that you have some questions about some missing episodes. I am sure you are eager to have this issue resolved and I would be happy to assist you today!
"When you buy a Season Pass, you will have instant access to all the episodes for that particular season that are available at the time of purchase. In addition, you will receive all subsequent episodes for the season as they become available.
"Apple does not have the schedule release of these episodes nor can we predict when they will be released. It is up to the network."

This response did not provide resolution or solutions to my complaint and instead made me more determined to find out when I could get the remaining episodes of my beloved television show. Channel 7 is the network that screens Castle in Australia. I visited their website, which confirmed they have only aired up to episode 13, and that it was aired on April 7 - almost a month ago. Nothing on the website indicates when the next episode is to be screened.

Next action: a call to Channel 7. Gina, the very cheerful telephone receptionist, informed me that the remaining episodes won't be aired for sometime and therefore won't be pushed to iTunes any time soon.

I have paid $55-ish dollars for the season pass. I am essentially being held to ransom by the network because they are not pushing remaining episodes to iTunes. I can't watch it on free-to-air tv as I don't get Channel 7 at the moment and even if I did, I wouldn't watch it because I their promotional ads insult my intelligence and are sometimes sexist. I hate the bogan-targeted shows Channel 7 constantly promotes - eg My Kitchen Rules and Celebrity Splash.

This is the type of behaviour that significantly disadvantages Australians. The 7 Network has multiple digital channels where they could screen up-to-date shows. How about, instead of rerunning Seinfeld for the 17th time, you air new content? We know that TV shows can be 'fast tracked' from the US to Australia and it's been proven that this proactivity reduces piracy.

There is sufficient evidence to demonstrate that people want timely access to television shows. In this ultra-connected world, delaying tv shows means more people will pirate.

I informed Gina that Channel 7's programming department had made a very poor decision, one that would directly lead to increased piracy.

This also discourages me from purchasing any more season passes from iTunes for shows that are shown on free-to-air TV in Australia. What if they do this again? Why bother when I have to wait because the 23rd rerun of MASH is airing instead of newer, more interesting shows when they are aired in their country of origin? Why spend money for TV shows that are late or never pushed when I can get them for free, like so many others?

I'm wondering there is grounds for a consumer affairs complaint - I've purchased a service on good faith and iTunes, in conjunction with Channel 7, has failed to supply the contracted service in a timely manner. The terms and conditions for a season pass do not state anywhere that the entire series may not be pushed to iTunes.

I replied to iTunes initial response to advise it had left me frustrated. They have placated me with a TV show credit (just one episode, not a whole series) and reinfornced that it is up to the networks when episodes are made available.

Have you used iTunes season pass? Have you been screwed over by a TV network failing to deliver a service? I'm wondering who else has been a victim of this unfair practise?

Meanwhile, I'll be looking for a cutlass and a jaunty eyepatch and sailing the high seas of the interwebs.

Mini Goal Reached

2013-01-16T10:11:00.001+11:00

On 1 January I set my first mini-goal to lose that .5 kilo and weigh less than 110 kilos.

This morning, 16 days later, I reached that goal. 1% of the overall final target now achieved. 99% to go.

To be honest, I'm quite surprised. I've been wallowing in sadness since Mr Redpene left and not really paying that much attention to what goes in my mouth. I've also had some body pain limiting the exercise I can do - my ankle & foot ligaments are angry and my shoulder is so unbelievably tight.

What little spare time I have is currently spent sorting & packing. Sorting things to send to the Mr in Melbourne and what I will keep to use over the next six months.

I haven't cooked a proper meal since he left - it's been a mix of eating out, nuked meals and take-away. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with menu planning etc. So I've made a decision to cut it out of the equation and order lite n easy again. Once I'm moved into my new apartment, I'll hopefully be able to get back into cooking properly again.

The new goal is to get rid of the next kilo - 108.9. I know there is no time this week for additional exercise, so fingers crossed the packing and sorting burns more calories than I give it credit for. To borrow and abuse a fabulous quote, I can't lose 50 kilos, maybe I can lose 1 kilo 50 times.

A little consideration doesn't go astray

2013-01-09T22:00:00.003+11:00

The real reason I want to lose weight is so I can wear my wardrobe. I have far more clothes in my collection that don't fit than do.

I dislike my body so much that more often than not I ignore it. I ignore it to the point where I generally don't pay any attention to what other people think of it. To use a turn of phrase from Supernatural, it's just my meat suit. I care far more about what people think of my personality and the way I treat others. I try to be kind. Sometimes I can be a bit harsh, a gentle teasing that's misfired. And I hate when that happens. I get horribly embarrassed when I cause someone else pain.

I digress.

It's a complete mystery is other people will go out of their way to deliberately and maliciously hurt others. To be cruel for nothing more than a few laughs at another expense, or to put someone else down in order to feel better about their own pathetic and miserable existence.

I'm angry.

Not long after I finished my Personal Training session, walking along minding my own business, I was abused by a young man who drove past in his car. This isn't the first time it's happened to me. I was informed that I'm a fat slut and I need to exercise/lose weight - AFTER WORKING OUT.

At first, I was upset. To the point of needing to tweet about it and having a little cry. Mr Redpene either saw the tweets or has psychic ability because he called me and pulled me out of the sadness with a huge and wonderful chat.

Now, I don't expect everyone to like me. As a victim of bullying and abuse all throughout my childhood I am fully aware that there are people who won't take a shine to me. But I finished school in the 1990s and I have no patience for this kind of appalling behaviour. There is no excuse for it.

How dare a random, that doesn't know me at all, doesn't know the struggles I deal with daily, doesn't know I wallow in a pit of depression, doesn't know I hate the lardy layers and am actively working to misplace, have the audacity to tell me I'm a fat slut? How does the fact I'm overweight impact their life? Did I OFFEND THEIR VIEW for 3 seconds? Did the unexpected sight of a fatty in workout clothes confuse them? I don't have the answers. Regardless, it's really none of their business what my body is like and ultimately their moment of taunting will be long forgotten by them before my wound has healed.

I don't need you to tell me I'm fat. Keep your god-damned mean-spirited opinions to yourself. Share them with your shrink. If you're unhappy with your life don't take it out on me.

I want to change my body for myself. Not because society and those stupid magazines says I have to be size x. I just want to wear my pretty clothes.

Oh, nuts (Part 1)

2013-01-04T09:39:00.001+11:00

Did you know Macadamia nuts have approx 180 calories per 25 gram serve?

I possibly knew this once, but had forgotten. Macadamias are one of my favourite nuts, but I really have to stop buying them. There are one of the foods that taste great but do not sate me. I will keep eating them til I explode, or they are all gone and I keep looking for more.

Shopping at lunch time yesterday (hungry), I decided a bag of nuts was a good idea. I have small zip loc bags at my desk for bagging them into portion controlled serves. Once the packet was opened though, I started picking at them while I bagged them up. 125 grams and 900 calories later, the damage was done.

How many mistakes do I have to make and remake before I learn?

On the plus side, I actually walked to and from work yesterday - 8 kms in total.

And I weighed myself. 110 kilos even. Down 400g in three days. That's on top of all the nuts and pasta for dinner.

My feet are kind of sore today.

Happy New Work Year

2013-01-03T11:54:00.001+11:00

Today is my first day back at work for 2013. Coincidentally, it's Mr Redpene's last day in his current job. I'm definitely not ready to be back in the office. While it was nice to see some of my colleagues - a lot are still on leave - I'd much rather be at home squeezing in as much extra time with the Mr.

The last couple of days have seen me making a move back into the kitchen - not always successful, but am definitely thinking more about what I eat. I've just learned/relearned I have a tendency to binge in the evening if I haven't eaten enough protein through the day.

It's really interesting the way bodies react to the different primary food types - fat, protein and carbs. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, there are people who can eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast and that will do them to morning tea or lunch. If I have a bowl of cereal I am STARVING again within the hour. The one exception is rolled oats - possibly because oats have a higher protein content than other options. This morning's ham cheese and tomato toastie on wholemeal, no butter was a filling meal and should keep me going through until lunch time.

Yesterday's sever of baked beans with an egg (no toast) was very filling and lower calorie than I'd expected. There are so many different and quick options available. As I experiment more, I'll write a blog post on some of the different breakfasts I've been experimenting with.

There was a slight disaster last night - I'd planned to cook a healthy chicken and veg stir-fry. The chicken had gone bad leaving me with nothing to cook. I had a bag of chicken dim sims in the freezer- steamed those, ate a couple and finished off with a cheese and tomato wrap. Not as many vegies as I would have liked, but not too heave on the calories either.

Getting there slowly.

I've started the working year on the right foot by walking from home to work. 4ks done and a free commute. Will walk home again this afternoon. An 8km round trip will hopefully keep the metabolism ticking over.

Wonder if I've lost any weight yet? Dying to get back on the scales, but am trying to limit self to once every 3 days. So that's tomorrow.

Starting point

2013-01-01T16:00:00.003+11:00

I weighed myself this morning. bad news, I did gain weight. Good news, no where near as much as I had expected. 110.4 kilos this morning.

First mini goal - get back under 110.

Out with the Old, In with the New

2012-12-31T13:18:00.000+11:00

2012 - you've been an interesting year. Not exactly the year I had planned.

Let's review.

Health

I had intended for 2012 to be my year of good health and fitness - that went awry in February with the broken ankle/foot and the subsequent extended recovery period. On the plus side, there haven't been any extended bouts of back pain. Also had a chest infection and most recently, the worst period cramps I've ever had in my life. My depression has been mostly under control in that I can get out of bed every day and my anxiety hasn't crippled me this year.

Instead of losing I think I've gained around 8 or 9 kilos. I'm fatter than I've ever been and I have the stretch marks to prove it. Some of those marks are as a result of some very fabulous new recipes I learned to cook, so I am trying to see them in a new light. I still hate my body, but I like who I am. Does that even make sense? Looking at the things I've done this year, I'm not lazy like I think I am, just easily distracted. I am powered by my emotions rather than logic.

Despite my previous reservations, not all convenience food is bad. Lite n easy was a saviour during the times I was incapacitated.

I learned I have the ability to inspire others to do things - the Move it May challenge was my little baby and it was humbling

Hobbies

Cooking - My interests in cooking have changed. Where it was once baking, it's now preparing meals for people I love. I learned that people actually like my food. I had several 'guestaurant functions' where people paid to eat my food. By paid, I mean contributed to the costs of the food, I never once profited from the exercises. I even had a crack a cake decorating. Easy to do, hard to master.

Gaming - I abandoned World of Warcraft and now play Lord of the Rings Online. I love the Middle Earth world, the players are generally nicer and well, it's a whole lot of fun. I build Lego. I love it.

Knitting - Just like gaming knitting is a whole lot of fun, plus the added bonus of getting to wear/use the end results. My skills have improved - I can now work with super fine lace weight yarn without freaking out.

Social

Some friendships developed, some friendships drifted apart and some consciously ended. As I become more comfortable with who 'I' am, its easier for me to accept that not everyone will like me and I won't like everyone. It's normal.

I appreciate that I have a "bestie". She rocks my world.

Relationships & Family

My relationship is wonderful. He's a great guy and [almost] three years on I still appreciate how good we are together.

The family however, there has been unnecessary drama and emotional blackmail at times, and I'm glad to leave those stressful times behind.

Work

The work year was completely and utterly mad. The election changed things up, lead to some very stressful times. A new department made somethings better, other things more difficult. Working under a conservative govt for the first time has been a learning experience. Major milestones met. Got through the year without a redundancy.

So farewell 2012, I sincerely hope I never have another year like you.

Hello 2013

2013 is going to be a crazy mega life-changing year. For example,

1. Moving to Melbourne in late July/ early August &
2. Quitting my job of 14 years. Crossing fingers for a redundancy, but not relying on it.

I want to have lost some weight before I move to Melbourne. I want to drop at least two dress sizes between now and then. This will take significant dedication and planning. This will also require my body to come to the party (NO MORE INJURIES, OKAY?) and for me to take responsibility for what goes into my mouth. I want to be fitter. The Walking to Mordor challenge will help with this. I will commute by foot to and from work as much as possible.

I will dedicate more time to planning what I eat and cooking healthy food. I'm not going to follow any specific diet apart from keeping calories to around 1400 per day. I will review this in two months time to see how I'm going. Trying and creating new recipes. I will still have cake on Tuesdays though. I will not keep cash in the office so I can't raid the chocolate machine.

I'm already planned to start the healthy eating tomorrow - the fridge is now stocked with fresh vegies and skinned chicken thigh fillets. There is fruit & yoghurt and low fat cheeses.

Mr Redpene has given me his old DSLR camera and lenses. I will learn how to photograph food properly

The hobbies will continue. The friendships will continue to grow and become stronger. This blog will continue.

I'm excited and scared.

I'm going to try and stop abusing myself too. The way I write about myself is a little bit appalling. I can't stand it when I see others treated the way I treat myself.

Finally, thank you for reading, commenting and being supportive. I really appreciate the time you take to visit my little site.

Happy new year!

bay of fatwrecks

2012-12-18T15:16:00.001+11:00

Firstly I would like to begin with an apology to Miss Kylie who I forgot to tell about the plans before talking about them on twitter etc. I'm sorry!! I still have to tell my mother about the change in circumstances. There is a lot of baggage associated with that.

I'm feeling like a horrible dieter right now. Mostly because I'm not. I'll stuff anything in my face and the idea of actually cooking a proper meal is an anathema right now. How far I have drafted from the image of myself, the 'who I want to be'.

Breakfast on both Saturday and Sunday was Ferrero Rochers. Healthy, heh? There were burgers and dinners and pasta and all manner of things that are not good for me. I feel sluggish and heavy again.

Exercise has been all but non existent - just the daily waddling I do anyway. I am being a horrible non-contributor to the walking to mordor challenge. But are we surprised by this? My commitment to anything that benefits myself is weak at the best of times.

I'm stressed about finding somewhere else to live. I'm stressed about the change. I even had a nosebleed yesterday - although I don't know if that was a consequence of the stress of of the oppressive heat we're currently experiencing.

At least today is my last day at work for 2012. I then move into party planning and holiday mode. I'm starting with a PT session tomorrow morning, and have plans to make the first thing I do each day a long walk on the treadmill (with the cool-down being a walk to get a cup of coffee).

I've learned that there are only so many things I can concentrate on at one time before everything falls apart for me. I've exceeded that limit and eating healthily has been the first thing to fall. My headspace is kind of screwed up and I'm snorkeling through a bay of fatwrecks. I am the perfect example of what not to do.