REEL INTUITION

Limitless

2011-02-25T04:57:00.000-08:00

"What if a pill could make you rich and famous?," reads the poster for this thriller. I used to take that pill in college! It made me really into, like, everything. Child Psych; I'm hitting the stacks for like nineteen hours, dancing; the beat was never fast enough, 'sexting'; it was on. Juice fasts were a breeze! I loved yoga class! The only bad things were muscle spasms, heart palpitations, and being so tired (but that only happened after). I'm not sure why Niel Burger is going through the trouble of making a high intensity film about a pill almost anyone can get by telling a psychologist they're bored! I know three year olds with the hook up. But it's kinda just a college thing.

Blue Valentine

2011-02-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

It’s really hard for me to write this review because every time I think about this film I want to go back to sleep or at least stuff myself with chocolate until I no longer feel. Imagine “The Notebook”, re-imagined as an indie with a soundtrack by Grizzly Bear and the camera-work less cinematic more “Kourtney and Kim” style real-life. “Blue Valentine” is a film an NPR listener can be proud to wipe their sloppy face on their shirt over. Finally, a thought-provoking tear-jerker. Of thoughts like, “Love is everything,” and “Whhhy???”
Michelle Williams takes great advantage of her perma-I-just-stopped-crying-face while Gosling embodies the dream all-American boy-next-door that you never had because your neighbor was a skinny bald man who compulsively renovated his house for his dead mother while living in the garage. The twist ending- spoiler alert- everything beautiful dies. Ow. My heart hurts really bad. I felt like I was their happy child- whose parents didn't get divorced and steal each other's licence plates in fits of vindictive rage. But that illusion has been ripped away from me. I wish there was a hole inside my matress I could crawl inside.

True Grit

2011-01-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

Anyone who went to College knows that the Coen brothers are the best. It's definitely a better thing to say on line at Joe's coffee than Greg Berlanti, who did "Life as we Know it" which I saw on a plane, trust me.

One time I actually got to have coffee with Joel Coen. I don't remember what he said because the whole time all I heard was my voice shrieking "I'm having coffee with Joel Coen!" Also, I was just coming off of a kinda culty hallucinogen-fuelled stink in Maui and was pretty deep into conspiracy theories. So I was really amped to pitch my film idea, "Why is the Government Trying To Poison Me?" It was going to be topical and eye opening but also funny. Anyways he didn't bite or answer any further corespondance.

Regarding "True Grit", I definitely feel some Oscar vibration around this olde-timey dust-kicker. The Coen's take on the classic American pirate genre is refreshing and ripe for our times, where everyone admires pre-teen girls. Will Hailey Stienfield win for best actress? Probably not, but she might drive drunk a lot. Will Matt Damon be the cutest? Always.

That's all I've got for you folks! I didn't even see it! And "Pirates of the Caribbean" was better!

The King's Speech

2011-01-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

I, like Colin Firth's character, was born with a speech impediment (which by the way is a hard word to pronounce). In first grade I was put in speech class for my adorable lisp, a name which mocks those with the condition. My best friend and block-corner-buddy Jared Goldman was in the class too because he couldn't say "r"s. I don't know if there's a name for that but it's probably something like "rerurrarow" and all over Chinese menus. It was fun because there were only four of us and my nice speech teacher, who my mom said was a drunk, would pull us out of real school and we'd play matching games with flash cards. I loved being disabled. I got special attention and people would make squielly noises when I spoke like I was tickling their "cute" button. But my mom said it wouldn't be cute when I was old (just like she said eating off other people's plates wouldn't be cute when I was fat). And so I learned to speak "normally" and be treated "normally" and eat only off of my plate. That's socialization for you.

Colin Firth is way cuter when he talks like a deaf person. But to be King, he must assume the persona. Through the use of fun games like naming things in a workbook, Firth learns to be like everyone else but even better because he is King. This is a story of transformation. A great watch if you had a speech impediment too, because you can zone off and remember stuff like when Jared tried to say Reggie's name!

No Strings Attached

2011-01-24T03:27:00.001-08:00

Natalie Portman just wants to have sex. Aston Kutcher has feelings. Everything is upside down in this hilarious romance. At one point Kutcher references "The Way We Were" while eating ice cream in bed and singing with a brush for a microphone! While sure to make you laugh, this film may find you longing for simpler times, when romantic comedies reinforced gender steriotypes and Carey Grant was like "you're so silly let me turn you into a wife!" A fun vacation to make-believe world, but too unrealistic to have any real meaning, I mean come on- a female doctor?!?

The Rabbit Hole

2011-01-23T07:47:00.000-08:00

My friends at Sarah Lawrence put on this play because the playwright David Lindsay-Adair went to SLC, along with Craig Lukas and Yoko Ono (rumored to have donated the Tofuti machine!). You all should have seen it. Daryl Elerby was so funny! We did improv together so I was like go do your thing girl! Oh, I forgot! To raise money they held a raffle and raffled off the most hilarious things! Katie O spent all her money for the once in a life-time opportunity to go out to Applebees and get drunk with Daryl in costume, pregnant belly and all! Can you imagine the funny reactions? And Applebees is so low class! Oh wow, College was just non-stop laughs hiding my insecurity! Now I'm lonely and insecure! But I'm laughing way harder, all the time, it actually hurts.

The Social Network

2011-01-23T07:23:00.000-08:00

This film is my Oscar pick for most boring. I went to a networking event once and all anyone wanted to talk about was their consulting firms. Casting is another miss for this snoozer. Timerberlake in glasses is like when I put a tie on my dog Rosie; She was still stupid! And less cute than in "Bye, Bye, Bye." The less famous actor on the poster looks like he believably knows how to make an excell spreadsheet. I could see him at a networking event. And that is precisely why I won't be social "networking" this Oscar season!

Tron

2011-01-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

This film is a space-age fantasy where phones have apps like "MAKE ME A SANDWICH" and it happens. Anything is possible in this robot-driven flick where nothing requires cords and technology is magic. Bubble chairs are back in the future, just like we thought in the 90s!

The Kids Are All Right

2011-01-22T10:07:00.001-08:00

This film proves once and for all that same sex marriage is no different from conventional marriage; boring. Getting old and dieing together is definitively not sexy.

Tiny Furtiture

2011-01-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

My aunt says "she needs to wear pants".

Country Strong

2011-01-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

Everyone else says this movie is horrible so I will too. I'm sorry that Gwyneth Paltrow made such a mistake but also really happy because I love when an actress I envy is publicaly ridiculed.

The Fighter

2011-01-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

"The Fighter" is a tale of a hot guy overcoming his stupid family. Mark Wahlberg is just like Matt Damon in "Goodwill Hunting" and his brother, Christian Bale, is just like Ben Affleck, (except more jerky since Bale became a crack addict for the role). Amy Adams is like a cute Minnie Driver and the mom is exactly like Robin Williams. So you are bound to cry a lot and also think Wahlberg is so fucking hot when he says "How do you like them apples" and holds up Amy's number. Harvard snobs. That boy is cute and smart. I hope he does okay.

Harry Potter 7.1

2010-11-20T19:27:00.001-08:00

In this installment of the Harry Potter saga, Daniel Radcliff works really hard to be a “real” actor. Intense stares abound. Herminie comes into her own, pleasing billions of fans who’ve waited until it wasn’t creepy to call her hot. The red headed kid looks like he has allergies. And lots of English actors wear funny face make up. I’m in it for the paraphernalia and sense of comradery. How fun to dress as your favorite house!

Fiddler on the Roof

2010-11-20T19:10:00.003-08:00

Not for children, but a fun and safe time with a partner you trust!

Sophie's Choice

2010-11-20T19:10:00.001-08:00

The best way to understand a film of this nature if you haven’t seen it is to imagine yourself in the characters shoes. If I had to choose between my parents I choose my dad because he makes me laugh, but then my mom makes me feel better when I’ve been slighted. My dad would be so sad if I didn’t choose him, but my mom pays my phone bill. How horrible to think of Verizon now ?! I feel guilty and so sad. This films not a feel good flick.

Red

2010-11-19T22:07:00.000-08:00

A very depressing film, designed to make our parents feel like they aren't rapidly aging. Bruce Willis has his last on screen muscle-tee clad moments.

For Colored Girls

2010-11-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

I feel like this movie just isn't for me. I was somehow more drawn to "The Virgin Suicides".

Avatar

2010-11-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

After drinking Ayuwaska, a hallucinogen used since ancient times by Amazonian shamans to heal the spirit and more recently by white people in Maui, this old lady said “It was just like Avatar!” So, I’m going to say that this movie was like puking, staring a tiny lion statue for a few hours, and then rubbing my face while crying and gently falling in love with myself. Go see it!

"Eat, Pray, Love"

2010-11-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

Dont care.

"Inception"

2010-11-19T17:52:00.001-08:00

This film is just like a dream I had where my new step-dad was chopping up my brother’s body in the backyard and then I saw someone naked (can’t say who) and he had no genitals! Ohemg it was so revelatory and also confusing.

"Love and Other Drugs"

2010-11-19T17:51:00.001-08:00

This looks great if you like watching pretty people fall in love.