Reggie's Journey thru Abandonment

OMG, it's been a Year & 3 Months!

2012-06-24T15:42:00.003-05:00

So, where should I be by now? Should I have recovered from this relationship and moved on? I probably should have fired my counselor a long time ago because I think she was too judgemental and didn't make me WANT to go to counseling. Maybe I needed a male counselor. Or mabye I needed on who was more assertive. One who would help me focus on my goals rather than my feelings. I'm sick of feeling. That's one this she did know and accurately describe about me. I feel deeply be it good or bad. When I love, I love deeply. I want so much now to have a loving man beside me in bed who will roll over and pull me to him. To make me FEEL loved. Please God, let me have someone come into my life and give me just love. I don't think I ask for too much from a relationship, but the purpose of a relationship is just that, right? To love & be loved? To have companionship? To KNOW that you have someone you can cout on?

I don't know where to start, but I have to start looking for love because that is the person I am. Tim doesn't want to love me. He wants me to find some other man to love me. I think that is the hardest reality in my life that I have ever had to deal with. However, I'm better at accepting it now that I have been. I will never be glad that Tim abandoned me. There is nothing that will ever make it ok that we are not in love and treating each other with the most loving kindness, and learning to be in love again. I have no choice. I never got to even have a chance at trying.

Time stop because it hurts too much and I'm crying.

It's been a long year

2012-05-12T00:53:00.001-05:00

I know now that there is no hope for Tim and I to ever recover our marriage or our love. He is completely incapable of trying. He's a runner. I should have know it. He abandoned his daughter, then the guilt and dread of dealing with all the stress that would go along with reconnecting again with her made his abandonment drag on for years. I know that I pushed him to see her. I only did so because it seemed that is what he wanted me to do. I don't know if it was the right thing for him to do or for me to do.

I have always tried to do too much. I want to help everyone and take care of things. I'm getting better at it.

Now, it's time I stop sitting around the house, procrastinating getting my life in gear. I hate doing paperwork with a passion. I know it's because of the never ending divorce papers that said such cruel things. I don't know how to ever understand why Tim needed to treat me so cruelly. He treated me as his enemy. This man that I adored and loved, thought was in love with me and would protect me and be my companion. The man I had care for and intended to do so the rest of my life. But all of a sudden on March 4, 2011 he pulled that rug out from under me, and became someone I had only had glimpses of.

I have always known he had a vindictive side. I always saw, but did a good job of ignoring his passive aggressive ways. He was very controlling. He thinks I was. I have had therapy for a year, and I have learned one important thing about that relationship. I too easily accepted the blame that he projected on me. When he did something wrong to me, he was too proud (insecure) to apologize in a way that would ever make me feel better.

It's the same now. I will get along with him. But I will carry with me a very deep wound because he never gave me a sincere and king apology.

I didn't do him wrong. He did this. I am not going to let myself feel like "if I only would have...." He wanted me to feel that way so he could shift the blame. It worked. And it still nags at me, but I will overcome it.

I don't know how long I can stand to live in this house. I feel like I am in a cave. I can't see out the front, and it doesn't feel like home. I truly miss my home. Not the size of the house or any amenities, but the fact that it was my home. This is still just my parents house, and I am living here until I can find a place to live that works for my life and my dogs.

I'm doing better in all aspects of my life, but I'm still a work in progress. I need to find someone to go out with so we can meet new people and make new friends.

I've learned I can't just have whatever I want without consequences. I want to go back to DC. I thrived there, and I miss it horribly. However, my children and grandchildren are here and I don't want to lose the close connection we have built.

I want to stop feeling like "everything is happening to me" and just live a life. Maybe in the morning I will feel like getting the papers filed, and some minor cleaning done. Do a little yard work, and figure out what to do about the patio. I really need the inheritance to pay for someone to come and finish it professionally. Mike has the baby is is just too tired after work.

I was a ping pong ball

2011-08-03T23:17:00.001-05:00

I had a decent counseling session last Saturday. Then things started snowballing. I let things snowball.

My Dad was not doing well in the hospital and I felt that he was continuing to get worse, and might die soon. I had received more divorce paperwork that I had to work on. Stuff at work had really bothered me, I felt disrespected and possibly being targeted to make me look bad. I don't know if I was told the truth that Mike was on Meth. And was beginning to believe the person who told me was lying.

I wasn't taking care of myself. I was thinking too much about the past and the future. I didn't want a divorce. I didn't know why we had to get a divorce. He will not tell me. And subconsciously I might have been afraid that I would be alone.

So I had a counseling session on Tuesday, and was already crying. It was primarily because I didn't want a divorce. She really helped me through it. She explained that if one person quits, there is nothing the other one can do. That really sunk in. Then she said that I deserve to be treated better. That Tim was playing with my emotions. He was, but I had allowed it. Now I know that I cannot and will not let that happen again.

Learning to live differently is a slow process, and I occasionally take a step back, but I feel like I am making progress.

I have allowed people to treat me disrespectfully or abusively. I am not going to tolerate it anymore, by anyone.

After the counseling session on Tuesday, I have been so much better! I am happy. I am not letting others choices bother me. If they have issues, then they have to work through them. Those issues are not my fault.

I am choosing to be happy. I am choosing to live in the moment. I have lots of things that need to be "done", but I decided to go shopping for clothes after I visited Dad tonight. It was tiring, but it was "taking care of myself" I deserve and need new clothes. I've lost 40 pounds! It's not been easy, and I have about 16 pounds to go.

I am going to drink more water and less caffeine, I'm going to make good food choices, I am going to take time for myself, and take care of myself FIRST. It's not selfish. I cannot be in a good relationship or bring good to the relationship without making sure I am taking care of my basic needs

I've Made A Commitment To Myself

2011-06-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

My marriage is over. I have to accept that. I have made a commitment to not read any text or emails from Tim, or take any of his calls.

This will help me move forward in life. I have to focus on my short term goals, and then my long term goals. I have felt that I didn't have control of my own life. Now, I know that to have control over my life, I have to put myself and my needs first. That doesn't mean that no one elses needs or wants are not important, but that I will only do what I really want to do.

The spinal pain has made my stress and emotions bad. My stress/emotions have made my pain worse. I will work hard on my physical therapy and reducing the stress in my life.

The Funeral, And So Much More

2011-05-31T23:57:00.008-05:00

[Enter Post Title Here]

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Today was my Aunt’s funeral. Last night neither my dad nor I got any sleep. Our wounds are still so fresh, and the relationship between Mother and her sister was very special. My Aunt used to always call my Mother, but when Mother couldn’t really talk anymore, she started calling my dad. After Mother passed, my Aunt called him every day until she was physically unable. Another loss for my dad, so soon. He was very fragile today, but he put on a really good face.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t pull it off. It was so much pain coming at me from so many directions. It brought out the grief of my mother, my grief over my Aunt, the pain seeing Uncle Howard now alone, and the pain for my dad.

My oldest daughter is lying to my grandchildren about what is happening in my marriage. She tells them I am staying with my Dad to take care of him. I need her to tell them the truth and let them ease into it. I can’t stand the pretending and I don’t want to lie to my grandkids. I tried to talk to her about it because she came to the funeral. I thought she was there to support me…I was wrong. I am so angry at her that I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I am afraid to be around the kids because if they ask me a question, and I answer honestly (but within boundaries), she will get furious because that will out her lies. She has lied to those kids about so many things. It is going to come back around and bite her in the ass, and the kids are the ones who are going to suffer for it.

All my family knows about my pending divorce and of course too many had to bring it up…trying to be thoughtful I guess. And I didn’t have my husband there to lean against, to hold me, to comfort me. I missed him so bad, and it’s making me cry because I still miss him terribly. I don’t want my old life back. I want my husband to love me, to want me, to beg me to forgive him and climb mountains to get me back. But, it won’t happen. I have the thread of hope, but I need to let it go. He is unwilling and/or incapable of doing that.

I have to remind myself that today, rather this week, has been very rough. It won’t always be like this, and I won’t miss him so bad, and it will get easier. This is just that perpetual roller-coaster of emotions. The low days, can be very low….but there have been good days, and there will be more and more of them.

I am getting so much better at taking care of me. My counselor wants me to focus on taking care of me. I have spent too much time, emotion, and energy on others. It damaged my marriage, it damaged my relationships, and it damaged me. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it in time, and he didn’t speak up and say he wasn’t happy, so I forgive myself. I tried to rectify it and save my marriage. That didn’t happen. So no, I am setting boundaries and taking care of myself first. Then my Dad and the dogs. Everyone else comes after that, and only if it’s something I want to do.

So much piled on in a short time, so many losses, but I will keep my balance. Life can be good.

Take It All

2011-05-27T21:38:00.000-05:00

Another song from Adele that I had been listening to for quite a while.

http://youtu.be/dCZDMsaFpMI

I'm getting no coments

2011-05-27T21:22:00.000-05:00

So, no one will comment. I want to hear from you. If the blog is boring...just simply say so. That's easy because the purpose is really just for me. I have very thick skin.

Time For a Little Positive

2011-05-27T20:57:00.003-05:00

Several nights ago, I made spaghetti for Dad and I. Well, of course I was still hurting because the steroids haven't kicked in yet, and the later in the day, the worse it hurts. (ok, enough whining you say?)
I felt a little frustrated that he just sat there and turned his chair toward the patio doors, and I cleaned everything up. The heavy spaghetti pot of water, dishes, etc. Then I thought, oh, how petty of me. This man has taken me in and been so good to me, and his health is not good. As I was cleaning up it hit me. HARD! OMG, my poor Dad had to do EVERYTHING for the house, bills, errands, shopping, and take care of my Mother for Y E A R S !!!!! Of course he deserves a break, and I'm fortunate to be able to some opportunities, however small, that I can do for him!
There is another silver lining that came from such a horrible event.

I Set Fire To The Rain, by Adele

2011-05-27T01:38:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite songs. Click the Title, and it will play the YouTube video of this song, and include lyrics.

The Hospice Experience

2011-05-27T00:45:00.000-05:00

Driving to see my Aunt, I had my music going. Unfortunately, it wasn't uplifting music. My Dad was already there, and waiting for me. As I was crossing the bridge, and just a few miles to my exit, my emotions started building. I took the first exit after the bridge, pulled into a parking lot, and just bawled. I got myself together (so I thought) and called my cousin and asked if my dad was there. Long story short, I wanted them to call me when they knew my dad had left. Unfortunately, I hadn’t actually gotten myself together, and I was weeping hard on the phone. How freaking embarrassing.

I couldn’t let my dad see me in that shape. I couldn’t let him see my pain, and then feel my pain and want to make it better, but there is nothing he can do. It’s been so hard on this wonderful man to see me suffering emotionally, mentally, and physically. There is so much I want, and will tell you about my dad later; and it is one of the silver linings to all the pain of this crisis.

So many emotions were hitting me. Earlier in the day, while running errands, it crept up on me again. I want my husband. I want to communicate with him. I want to be with him. The errands included a positive; I went to the consignment shop and bought smaller clothes. When I go back to work, my dress pants will literally fall down. Before I was on sick leave for my spine, I had to use safety pins or really tighten my belt. Now, they wouldn’t stay up without looking like clown pants! Now that is a feeling all women like me who have been over weight for a long time, that makes you feel SOOOOOO Good. Then I run just one more errand, and start to feel anxiety. What if I’m running around here being selfish and my Aunt dies before I get there! So I rush through Wal-Mart to get necessities (too hard to go to my usual place and run into someone). Take off to The Hospice House, and turn up the music. Ok, I’m feeling better, I’ll be there soon and the music is good. Then it started hitting me again.

While I was parked and sobbing, I called a friend, but she wasn’t home. I wanted to be with a friend. Then, that’s when it hit so hard. Building up stronger and stronger, I freaking wanted my husband!

You see, my Aunt raised my mother as a child because their mother had a nervous breakdown that lasted for many years. Since my Aunt felt as though my Mother was her “daughter” as much as her sister, she always took care of my mother. When my mother was just 16 years old, she left home and went to my Aunt’s, a big scary city, and my Aunt again took care of her like a mother does. Later, when my Mother’s husband died when my brother was only 3 months old, my Aunt was right there for her, helping her the way a mother would. The only vacations we took as a family was with my Aunt and Uncle. That’s because they took care of everything. When my Mother was getting close to death, had worn my Dad out beyond what a simple human could take, my Aunt was here. She stayed a week. During that week, a couple times she got weak, and felt ill, but she would stay up all night with Mother and me. Mother wouldn’t sleep at night for the last few weeks (maybe longer…but I’d have to ask my Dad). Hospice said that is because when they know they are going to die, they are afraid to go to sleep at night. My Aunt and I were SUPPOSED to be taking turns staying up with her at night. When it was my night, she’d go to bed, and then finally get up, and come sit in the room with Mother and me. My mother was talking non-stop all night long, she was so delusional and with the effects of her dementia and the morphine, she would just get up out of the bed! She didn’t realize she was physically unable. Sometimes she made it quite a ways, and would even dance, when I had left the room as was in the kitchen. When she went to the hospital just before the end, she kept getting out of bed. She could figure out how to un-attach the bed alarm (for fall risk patients). One morning when we weren’t there, she decided to get up, and she actually walked to the door, and that is when a wonderful nurse was right there and danced with her back to bed. She treated my Mother so sweet. She told her that if she got up again she wouldn’t dance, and she couldn’t have any candy because she was a bad girl. Oh my goodness, my Mother just loved that. She loved humor and sarcasm.

I miss my Mother so much right now. It’s this vicious cycle, I need her because my heart is broken, my world is upside down, or more like an Alice In Wonderland experience. I’m lost; I need to talk to her. Because I miss my mother, and want her so bad, then it makes me want my husband.

With my Aunt passing away right now, it’s just such emotional torment. But I stayed strong, and I thought about what my counselor said, and it hit me that I cannot call him (with any excuse), I can’t go to the house, text him, email him, or send him a song. I have to. I don’t know if this is because she wants me to be strong and not go backward any further, or if it’s because of what I have said to her, and my husband. I have pursued him from the very beginning, and when he came home and said he didn’t want to be there, I pursued him again. I want to be pursued. I want to feel wanted. If he can’t give me that, then I don’t want him. That’s really painful, but it’s just the truth. I don’t want to be with him if he isn’t crazy in love with me and wants to be with me. I don’t want to always wonder, if it was just because he felt guilty, or trapped, or the divorce process is so painful, that he wants to avoid it, and the only way is to not get a divorce.

Remember when he did his second 180? His words, I don’t want a divorce, probably said a lot. The divorce process being so painful and he was emotionally weak because it was 15 minutes to his birthday…he was weak and decided he didn’t want a divorce. But then, after that quickly wore off, he was running away fast and hard again. He probably thought he was managing it really well, strategically. Saying he wanted to go slow. And his demeanor around me….more distant, and not saying he wasn’t doing the divorce paperwork. He was going to ease me back on another 180, unlike the two before. Unfortunately, he’s not as good at his manipulation or I’m getting better at catching on.

More Emotions

2011-05-26T20:05:00.003-05:00

I'm at The Hospice House with my Aunt. Brings so many emotions. Still grieving my mother, and my marriage, and now this. My Aunt and my
Mother were so close. Now seeing her lying there, she looks to much like my mother.

I want my husband to hold me and make it better. But that's not ever going to happen again, so time to get stronger and find the comfort from within, and friends.

...more later

Can't Stay Focused

2011-05-26T01:36:00.000-05:00

It's pretty late, considering I stayed up late last night, got up too early, had a physically rough day (spine injection to block pain), and a new pain in the middle spine (Thoracic area).

I'm sure there are several reasons I can't stay focused. Obviously, at probably at the top of the list,(1) my brain hasn't fully recovered yet from when that preverbal rug got pulled out from under me almost 3 months ago. I'm in pain, medications, the feeling of being overwhelmed because I am not working...therefore, no income, stress because my husband is angry (again) and going to make the process more difficult for both of us, and yeah, probably some genetics, and/or ADHD .

I need to fill out a ton of divorce papers while I am off work for three weeks. I have only the rest of this week and next to get certain things done before going back to work. It's already physically painful to use the computer and do desk work, so I cannot imagine coming home from that and doing more of it. However, is it really purposeful (subconscious) distractions? Both I'm sure.

When I feel so unfocused like this it is usually the confusion about how I feel and I want. That emotional pendulum of mine is possessed, or more liking, needing more growth, counseling, and time. That dreadful word "time."

The Emotions Bounce Fast and Furious

2011-05-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

I intend to get some background, etc. to bring everyone up to date on what happened, when, why, how, etc. But....

In the beginning of this crisis I bounced back and forth between some extreme emotions that were quite conflicting. As time went by, finally the bouncing was not so fast and painful, and making me crazy; it started slowing, and then it became less frequent. When my emotions bounced, the "wrong" emotion or upsetting emotion was, did not last as long.

I'll explain this later, but the bouncing reminded me of something I want to suggest and explain how I am using it to relieve mental and physical stress

I guess you could compare it to many amusement park rides, but it wasn't amusing.

Yesterday, I bounced the wrong way. I let myself be manipulated. I recognized it at the time, and should not have let it happen and CONTINUE the entire day (8:30am - 11:30pm). I have learned from it. I understand why I allowed myself to be manipulated. I loved him for so many years, and it doesn't just go away. There has been a period recently, where I didn't feel any love for him. In fact, I would have to say that I would have more concern for a friend than him. But, then of course, it's not something that goes away instantly and never slips back. Sometimes just a little and other times, it's powerful. When the powerful feelings hit....oh boy, is that a rough time. The emotions I feel during those times is anxiety, fear, guilt, and a whole range of emotions...that don’t' feel good!

Fortunately, today I had my weekly counseling session. I explained what had happened yesterday, short story of all the drama, and told her that I feel guilty for letting myself be manipulated. I feel guilty for letting myself feel/care/love him. She said that we had been together for about 19 years. Those feelings don't go away that fast. Then she told me she was glad (or relieved?) that I recognized that I was being manipulated. She said something else, but the gist of it was that I had taken a step backward. The good thing was that I knew it, and she didn't have to tell me. So, I'd say that means I didn't take too many steps backward, and I can learn from this experience, and know how I am going to handle it if it happens again (and I'm sure it will - more on that later).

When I decided it was over

2011-05-22T09:52:00.000-05:00

Thursday, May 19, 2011

After he did another 180 on me and said he didn't want a divorce, he missed me, etc. (but not mushy or urgently),I called him and said I just got a huge stack of divorce paperwork from your attorney. He said, I got it this morning. I mentioned that it was "like, wow - it's overwhelming," he said yea, I just finally set it aside and decided to deal with it later."

I hung up on him. That's when it was over. He said he would go to marriage counseling. However, he was continuing the process of a divorce. Those two actions are completely conflicting. If he were truly committed to making our relationship work, he would have said something else. Maybe,"yea...I need to call the attorney and tell them to stop the process...will you do the same?

I'm learning at lot through this journey, and a valuable resource for me is Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal.

I don't want to plagerize what they say, but I will refer to it, probably quite a bit. I have much more to tell you, about when the rug got pulled out from under me, the roller coaster ride, some background about our relationship and family, and how this all started.

I can't wait to tell you my story. If you are in a similar situation, I think it feels good to know that other women, many women, have and are going through what you and I have and are going through. There is sunshine at the end of this journey, there are many silver linings to the devastation that has hit us, you can and will be happier. Trust me, and come with me on this journey