Regurgitated Alpha Bits

Keep It Clean, People

2016-09-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

The other morning, I had a lovely conference with a lovely parent about their child's progress. English is not Dad's first language, however he speaks it pretty well.

Me: In class, we are working on writing more complex sentences rather than just simple sentences.

Dad: That's good, because I noticed in her homework that her sentences aren't as....uh....sexy as I'd like them to be.

Me: __________

Dad: You know...detailed. That's what sexy means, right?

Me: ______sure...

You've Got a Friend

2016-09-01T18:30:00.001-07:00

My teaching partners and I take different rotations for PE each day.

My focus is on developing the kids' cardio-respiratory endurance. Right now, we're working on jogging without stopping for 2 minutes, and it's HARD for the kids.

I asked them to encourage classmates who they see struggling. As I said to them, anyone can run past a person having a hard time, but a special person cheers them on.

We started the jog, and pretty quickly Marcus started struggling. He's a sweet kid, but life is not easy for him. He's not a fan of PE, not super popular with the other kids and not always willing to push himself in anything.

Nathaniel, a freckle-faced little guy, jogged up next to him when he saw him huffing and puffing.

He put his hand on Marcus' back and said, "You can do it, Buddy. Let's do it together!"

Nathaniel jogged next to Marcus the rest of the time, keeping his hand on his back and cheering him on. It was amazing to watch.

That afternoon I got to do what we teachers do not often have a chance to do. I got to write a note to parents letting them know what a terrific son they have raised.

And I recognized that I need to be more like Nathaniel.

What Does Home Mean?

2016-08-27T10:03:00.001-07:00

Many many years ago I had a sweet little girl in my third grade class. She and her family were new immigrants from Mexico, and all five of them shared a rented bedroom in someone's house. Both parents worked hard and pushed their kids to do well in school. Over the years, I taught all three of the kids in the family. They're all grown now. Everyone graduated from high school. The two youngest went on to college and the oldest is married and has son of her own.

Yesterday, I heard a voice calling out to me as I drove down the street after school. I see the mom of these kids waving at me excitedly from a porch.

"We live here now! This is our home now!!!"

She was so proud, and my heart swelled for her and her family. I'm sure that house represents much more than a home to them.

It Pays to be Nice

2016-08-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

One of my kids was really mean to another kid. Really mean.

Me: I'm calling your parents.

Him: No! They're gonna get mad.

Me: I'm sure they will.

Him: They'll hit me.

Me: Where?

Him: On my butt.

Me: That's a bummer.

Him: Tell me about it.

Kickball Queen

2016-08-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

I am not athletic.

In any way.

At all.

Ever.

But that doesn't stop me from participating the Teachers vs. 6th Graders annual kickball game.

There was great news this year!

I did NOT hit any kids in the face with a ball during that game.
It was a refreshing change...

What DID I do?

1. Cheered on a teacher who ran clear across the field to get a ball that was dangerously close to becoming my responsibility.

2. Made student spectators stand so I could drag their chairs out to the outfield and sit in them while I played. Assistant Right Field, to be precise.

3. Took the "long way" out to the the outfield so I'd miss most of the inning at times, (Most times...)

4. Convinced a teacher's teenaged daughter who was visiting for the day to run for me when I was up to kick.

5. Called another teacher "delusional" when he suggested I "kick the ball low." (As if I have ANY control over where or how high that thing is gonna go.)

6. Took about 98.9% of the credit for us KILLING those 6th graders.

Take THAT, athletic skils!

A Little Too Open House

2016-07-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

At Open House this year, I had a fun little conversation with a fourth grader from my class and her second grade sister.

Me: Wow! That's a nice diorama. That's a good grade on it too! Did you make it?

2nd Grader: No. My mommy did.

4th Grader (trying to save face): You helped!

2nd: No I didn't.

4th: Sure you did. You colored and painted.

2nd: No I didn't.

4th: You told Mom where to put stuff in the shoebox.

2nd: No I didn't. She made it after I went to bed.

4th: Well, you're not supposed to admit THAT to a teacher! You have a lot to learn.

A Toes to You

2016-07-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

Not school related, but funny nonetheless.

I got a pedicure recently. The lady in the chair next to me was a little wacky, and the lady doing her pedi did not speak great English.

Wacky Lady: I want a flower on my big toe. I don't care what color. Make it red. No, make it black.

Pedi Lady: What color?

WL: Red! No, black. Make it black.

PL: So, red?

WL: Sure. That's fine. No, wait, make it black.

PL: Sooooo, what color?

WL: Red.

PL: I'll make it red.

WL: No, black. I want black.

PL: Ok. ok. I'll make it for you.

She got her flower.

It was purple.

Boy Meets Girl

2016-07-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

One of the kids' favorite topics in science is magnetic forces.

I integrate Language Arts standards into my Science instruction, so we read a little story about a lonely magnet who can't ever get near his friends. They are alike and keep repelling away from each other, as magnets do when like poles face each other. Then one day, he meets a girl magnet who is the opposite of him, and he has an instant "attraction" to her.

Then we had to talk about the multiple meanings for the word "attraction" since many of my kids are second language learners.

And one kids says, "I get it. Attraction is what my mom feels when she sees a guy with a nice butt!"

Yes. Yes, that's it exactly. Be sure to tell your mom you shared that in class.
She'll be so proud of you.

Bridge Over Troubled Lectures

2016-07-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

I had to talk to a dad about how his fifth grade son, who's usually super sweet, was picking on some of my fourth graders.

Clearly, Dad was not used to handling these situations, since his son is not often mean to others, so he fumbled his way through his lecture.

Dad: Why did you do this?

Kid: Jack was doing it, so I just started doing it too.

Dad: Jack?!? Never follow what Jack is doing! He's always in trouble. NEVER follow what he's doing Ever! Not unless he's jumping off a bridge.

Kid: _______

Me: _______

Dad: _______________ Wait. Scratch that. That's not quite the saying I thought it was. When he's jumping off a bridge, you jump too.

Kid: ______

Me: ______

Dad: _______________________ Wait. Not that either. Don't even go on a bridge with Jack. Aaaaaannd, stop picking on fourth graders.

Problem.

Solved.

I'm Freeeee!

2016-07-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

I had to leave the confines of the school gates to talk with a parent at dismissal.

As I walked past an SUV with the windows halfway down, I hear a little kid in the backseat say:

"Hey! Who let that 4th grade teacher out?"

AC/DSee I Know a Song

2016-07-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you about the time I was asked to record a kindergartener singing his favorite song?
(Probably...)

I was student teaching, and his name was James.

My master teacher was awesome. She had so many songs for her class. The Good Morning Song, The Postman Song, The Clean Up Song, The Snack Song.

So James, a tape recorder and I headed into the workroom to record him singing his favorite song in his best five-year-old-boy voice.

Me: Alrighty, go ahead and sing!

James: She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman
I had
ever seen...

I let him sing the whole song in his best five-year-old-boy voice.

And I think of him every time I hear it.

Cheesy Story

2016-07-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

This is not a school story, but it is a true story nonetheless.

A cautionary tale about sending a rookie in to do a pro's job.

This was overheard in the checkout line at the grocery store.

Flustered and hurried Dad: Hey! Who put this giant bucket of cheese balls in the cart? Put these back!

Kid: Uuummm, you did, Dad.

Other kid: Yeh, that's right, you did. You said Mom would like them.

Dad: I did? Well then...ok, I guess.

Dad goes back to unloading the cart.

The kids look at each other in total disbelief that that actually worked.

And they spot me slowly shaking my head at their shenanigans.

But smiling at their brilliance.

The State of Our Testing is Snotty

2016-07-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

This year, very few exciting things happened during state testing.

Here were some of the highlights from Day One:

I watched a kid take his headphones off and use the foam parts to wipe his nose. That made me think, after dry-heaving over my desk drawer, maybe I should walk around and offer some tissues. One of my sneeziest, drippiest kids said "no thanks" to the tissues and then immediately wiped a big, wet line of snot onto his arm. The skin of his arm, not his sleeve. I turned away from him to throw up in my mouth when I spotted another kid rolling boogers into dirty little balls in his palm and shoving them between the keys of his chrome book.

Day Two didn't go much differently.

In fact, this is kind of every day in teaching.

Don't Pork Here

2016-06-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

Here's a little conversation I had with a nine-year-old at dismissal.

Me: Hi Timmy! Did you have a good day today?

Timmy: Of course!

Me: What's the best part of your day?

Timmy: Ever night a guy walks his pet pig past my house.

Me: ___________

Timmy: It's awesomer than it sounds.

Man Overboard

2016-06-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

I had lunch with this kiddo, and we read a story together. Right in the middle of the story, he turns to me:

Him: Do you think they'll ever invent an overboard chair?

Me: A what?

Him: An overboard chair.

Me: I'm not sure I know what that is.

Him: Yes you do! You know, an OVERboard chair. Like the skateboard things kids ride around on with all the lights on it and it's like they're "over" the sidewalk.

Me: OOoooOOOh! Got it. Yeh, I don't know if they'll invent one.

I Heart Nuggets

2016-06-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Know what initially sounds like a good idea but actually turns out not to be?

Heart-shaped chicken nuggets.

That's what we served for lunch at school as Valentine's Day approached.

Heart-shaped chicken nuggets.

You see, when you turn a heart-shaped chicken nugget over and and then bite the pointy part off, you're left with...

...butt-shaped chicken nuggets.

Fleshy, butt-shaped chicken nuggets.

And then the kids strategically added condiments to them. It wasn't pretty.

The lesson is clear. Keep your nuggets nuggety-shaped or things get dark fast.

Things Are About to Get Dull - Like Vanilla

2016-06-20T18:37:00.001-07:00

Where have you been?

In all honesty, I've been putting all the funny on my personal Facebook page. I haven't been putting it here because I didn't want to bore all my "real me" friends who follow me here and on my personal Facebook page where I am the "real me."

But now I've decided I don't really care if I bore them.

Sorry People Who Know the Real Me. (Let's face it. I'm not that interesting in real life.)

So I'll be retelling some of my stories from this school year here, and I hope you find them amusing.

Let's get started!

Conversation with a kid on her her birthday:
Me: Let's talk cupcakes. Which is better, chocolate or vanilla?
Her: valilna
Me: First of all, you're wrong. It's chocolate.

Second of all, it's pronounced vanilla.

Her: That's what I said. Valilna.

Me: vanilla

Her: valilna

Me: vah-nil-lah

Her: vah-lil-nah

Me: That's not it.

Her: But I'm saying exactly what you're saying.

Me: I'm pretty sure I'm not saying valilna. Vah.

Her: vah

Me: NIL

Her: nil

Me: Lah

Her: lah. Valilna.

Me: Vah

Her: I changed my mind. I like chocolate.

In High Demand

2015-09-11T17:27:00.001-07:00

We have one fourth grader this year who is pretty quickly becoming one of my favorite kids ever.

His name is Chuck, and he's a unique little guy. He struggles a bit with interpersonal communication, personal space, and letting things go. To me, that's just part of his charm.

Oh, he also speaks with absolutely no intonation. His delivery of every line is very flat and almost robotic-sounding.

He may be on the spectrum. Or maybe not. It doesn't really matter to me. He's a lot of fun and a cool kid.

In class last week, we made posters of ourselves participating in a physical activity that we enjoy. Students could pick whatever activity they want. They could even include a friend in their picture. They also had to use a speech bubble to tell us why they enjoy that activity.

Then, we took photos of the kids and my teaching partner cut out their heads and pasted the real photo of their head on the cartoon drawing of their body. We hung these adorable pictures in our windows facing out at the school.

Only things went tragically wrong apparently.

You see, Chuck drew a picture of himself riding bikes with his friend. Both individuals in the picture look identical. He did not include a speech bubble coming from his mouth, leaving us to guess which person was Chuck and which was his friend.

We guessed wrong.

So this morning went like this:

Chuck: Um, Mrs. Lee. We have a very serious problem.

Me: Oh my! What is it.

Chuck: Well, my head is on the wrong body.

It's at this point I get really nervous because I don't know that he's talking about head on his poster.

Me: uuummmmmm, what?

Chuck: My head. It's on the wrong body. In the window.

Me: Ooohhhh. (Phew. No psych call needed) Well, Chuck, we needed to guess which was you because you forgot to include your speech bubble.

Chuck: You guessed wrong.

Me: I'm sorry about that. I wish we'd guessed correctly.

Chuck: So you're going to fix it, right?

Me: Unfortunately, no.

Chuck: Why not?

Me: Following directions is important. I wish you had followed them during the activity so we could have put your head on the correct body, however that's not what happened. Now you're just going to have to adjust to your new body.

Chuck: But it's not my body.

Me: I understand that.

Fast forward to later in the day:

Chuck: I have an idea Mrs. Lee. Roooooll up the blinds, taaaaaaaake down my picture, peeeeeeel off my head, paaaaaaaaaaaste it on the other body, taaaaaaaape the picture back in the window and roooooooll down the blinds.

Me: Sorry, Chuck but that's probably not going to happen. This is a good lesson in following directions carefully. That's more important to me than anything.

Chuck: But I want my head on my body.

Me: I understand that.

Fast forward to later in the day:

Chuck: Here's what's going to happen, Mrs. Lee. You're GOING TO roll up the blinds, TAKE DOWN my picture, PEEL OFF my head, PASTE IT on the other body, HANG UP my picture and ROLL DOWN the blinds.

Me: Probably not.

Chuck: But that's not my body.

Me: And had you included the speech bubble, we would have known that.

Chuck: I want my own body.

Me: I understand that.

The ball's in his court. Let's see what Monday brings.

One Word

2015-08-28T19:49:00.001-07:00

Troublemaker.

That's the one word a student in our class thought best described him.

Troublemaker.

He chose that word because it's what he's been told.

Troublemaker.

He chose that word because it's how he feels.

Troublemaker.

Adults in his life made him believe it's true.

Troublemaker.

Kids encouraged him to embrace it.

Troublemaker.

I'm so glad we asked.

And ashamed that I might possibly have reinforced his opinion of himself if we hadn't.

It's a good reminder to me that I must always try to do better for these kids, no matter what I know or don't know about them.

Troublemaker.

Let's change that.

Swingers

2015-08-25T17:13:00.001-07:00

How to instantly become my favorite student:

Be funny.

How to instantly stop being my favorite student:

Let a long dingle dangle of snot hang out of your nose and rock back and forth so it swings like a pendulum while I'm watching you from across the room.

This has been a public service announcement for all fourth graders. You may resume your regularly scheduled programming now.

Don't Be Alarmed

2015-06-19T16:42:00.001-07:00

As I've said before, one of my favorite parts of my job is downtime when I can just chat with the kids. Their true little personalities come out then.

I did that today as they waited in line for ice cream sundaes after our 4th grade field day.

So, we're in a park and a car alarm nearby starts beeping. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Me: Wow. That's the worst song I've ever heard. (Wink wink)

Abby: Yeh, it sounds like a broken record.

Me: I'm amazed you know what a broken record is, let alone what it sounds like!

Abby: Mrs. Lee, I know a LOTTA things about a LOTTA things. (Insert sassy head snap)

Me: Noted.

Too Much Lick-er

2015-06-06T17:33:00.000-07:00

So the other day one of our parents at school had something sticky on her right palm, probably the gelato we were selling as a fundraiser, so she licked it off as she was talking to me. I mean LICKED it off, full tongue, several licks.

It was like watching Palm Porn.

Right after she was done, palm still wet with spit, she shook hands with another poor unsuspecting teacher who approached us.

I don't care how much money that fundraiser brought in. NOT WORTH IT.

Drop the Hammer

2015-06-04T18:45:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Open House.

Today was "extremely tired but exceedingly talkative students" day.

At one point, after fruitlessly fighting the talking, I just sat down at my desk to cool off before I blew my stack.

Always observant Izzy sees me do this, folds her hands, shuts her mouth and sits quietly for about 30 seconds. Every 2.4 seconds, she glances over her shoulder to make sure I notice her good behavior.

Finally, she turns to me and says, "Have you noticed how chatty this class is today?" as she rolls her eyes dramatically. "I think you should give them aaaaall <insert arm sweep across the room> marks for this. Well, everyone except me, of course."

Marks are negative points for the week.

I assured her I would seriously consider her advice.

It was just what I needed to regain my perspective on how tired, but excited, ten year olds might act on the morning after an eventful evening.

Fly! Be Free!

2015-05-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

My teaching partner hatched butterflies in her classroom.

One butterfly remained on Butterfly Release Day.

Butterfly Release Day went badly.

Here's the obituary we posted in the staff lounge:

A Thoughtfully-Written Obituary

for

Bart the Butterfly

Today we celebrate the short, but meaningful, life of Bart the Butterfly: A true warrior among insects.

Bart’s life could never be described as easy. Born in captivity, he lived the majority of his life in a butterfly habitat upside down with his legs flailing in the air. (He may have struggled with undiagnosed vertigo.) After a long weekend, Bart was mistaken for dead and thrown in the trash. (Yes, we’re looking at YOU, Mrs. T…) Thankfully, he was rescued and freedom was afoot. He was released between the protective limbs of the large tree by the school's stage.

But he fell out.

Like five times.

So then his handlers took him to a smaller tree, but he fell out of that one too.

Twice.

Finally, carried by the cheers and goodwill of the growing crowd around him, he struggled his way to the grass again and landed gently on the ground.

Where a bird ate him.

But not before he was the object of a tug-of-war with another bird.

In all honesty, both birds may have eaten him. Things got scrappy fast, making it hard to tell.

In any event, he was a wonderful butterfly.

In lieu of flowers, a fund has been set up to pay for the counseling needed after witnessing The Butterfly Bloodbath of 2015.

Rest in Pieces Little Upside Down Butterfly Warrior. Your fight is over.

Our staff wrote many kind messages on the memorial.

The candle remained unlit due to city fire regulations.

Gimme an A!

2015-01-29T16:05:00.001-08:00

In science class today, I asked my students to find, according to the text they'd just read, where most of the world's oxygen comes from.

Without looking for the answer in the text, one enthusiastic young scholar confidently yelled out:

"Allergies!"

It's Algae...

Close, kid!

But not really.