Reinventing foolishness since 1970

Monkey is Out of Lives

2011-09-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

"These are all clean and ready to be put away."

So, Monkey has had hyperthyroidism for about a year and a half now. Outside of the weight loss, though, he's been the same cat (chasing the dogs, annoying my wife and her cat, etc).

However, this week he took a turn for the worse. The vet said that his blood work indicates that his thyroid is normal (which happens when a kitty is sick); but it's possible that he could have also been riding the cancer coaster up till now.

Whatever the prognosis, we're told that it would take a miracle for him to recover - but it's not impossible, just nearly impossible.

He's at the vet this weekend for critical care and we think he's close to meeting Jesus (or Satan, depending on who you ask). We'll know more when we go back on Monday to pick him up.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Oh Duckface, You're Still Here?

2011-09-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, the duckface. You know what I'm talking about right? The face that almost everyone seems to make when they take a "self-shot" in their bathroom mirror or when snapped by the paparazzi while out on the town with the cast of Jersey Shore.

I think the idea is to attempt a devil-may-care posture, leading us to believe that you are either a model or just want to appear shallow.

It might be working...

Especially when there are 7 million other pictures of you on Facenbook that look exactly the same.

Now, I don't think that ALL duckface pictures are evil. But when ALL of your pictures are duckface we must conclude that... A) your face is stuck that way... or, B) you can't remember how to smile.

Just pick a new face to make. Because, seriously, the one you keep making looks ridiculous.

Oh, and finger-stache, I'm coming after you next...

UPDATE
Here's a suggested alternative: Shovelface. This one comes courtesy of Claire Danes, who looks like someone hit her in the face with a shovel when she cries.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Want A #Hashtag Membership

2011-09-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

If I had a membership to the #Hashtag I would definitely use it for good and not evil. Here are the top ten reasons why I think a membership would be cool.

10. You have to have a card or know the secret code to get through the door. People only use that kind of security to keep you away from cool stuff like nuclear bombs, aliens or Keyboard Cat.

9. You can write on the walls

8. The free music is somehow beamed in wirelessly from space.

7. Hello! Exposed brick!!

6. The shared conference room is an exact replica of the one on the Starship Enterprise (Original series). The chairs are rumored to actually be from the first episode.

5. You are sandwiched between the world’s best cup of coffee and a friggin cupcake shop!

4. Hello! Exposed concrete!!

3. Because the desks are all on wheels you could, theoretically, make one very long conference table. Will you look impressive shouting to your client from the opposite end while chilling in your Star Trek chair? No. But they will finally know what it feels like when they do this to you.

2. If I forget my anniversary I can just go next door to Twee and buy my wife something cool, like socks.

1. #Hashtag is always clean, well organized, looks very professional and has great lighting. My home office is dark, unorganized and basically looks destined for an episode of Hoarders (or Pickers, depending on your perspective). It would be nice to finally get away from the office that I use to get away from the office.

To Rick Reilly, ESPN

2010-11-28T17:15:00.000-08:00

In a recent article on ESPN.com Rick Reilly was wondering why, with everything Michael Vick has done to improve his name, are people still against him playing football - against him in general? The article is titled "Forgiving Michael Vick is not forgetting what he did." Yet Rick Reilly is asking us to do just that: forget.

I decided to help Mr. Reilly understand and wrote him this...

I believe in forgiveness and I believe that once a person has paid for their crimes, meeting the requirement of the law, they should be free to live their lives. Under the law he may have paid for his crimes but I think its naive of you to think that people who care about animals will ever forget about what he did, or welcome him back with loving arms into their homes. Forgiving and forgetting are two different matters. Especially when the law fails to require sufficient punishment.

No matter how contrite or how much community service Michael Vick performs he still did what he did. Michael Vick considered the lives of living beings as worthless. The judge declared that Vick's actions were not a momentary lapse in judgment but that Vick was a "full partner" in the dog-fighting ring.

How quick would you be to forget Vick's crimes if it was your dog that he had tortured? What if it was your dog that was thrown into a ring with a pillowcase over its head, enduring multiple fights, defenseless, so that other dogs could "train"? What if Vick electrocuted or drowned your dog because it was no longer useful? You may be able to forgive but how would you feel seeing that man re-accepted by the media, a new team, and the sports-watching public?

If you are your true self when no one is watching, when no one was watching he was a very very bad man. Is he sorry now only because we are watching? I think this is the question that sits heavy on the hearts of animal lovers. He saw the consequences of his actions every day but did not quit. He saw the mutilated dogs, or at least (according to testimony) knew what was being done to them on his property, but did not stop it.

He stood by while animals were killed for sport. But the law does not take that into account.

His deeds came to light and he went to prison. Now he forgoes the company of his old friends. He speaks at shelters and for animal rights groups. He is living right and treating the world better. But for over five years he participated in extreme animal cruelty. He had five years to stop. And did not. This was not a chemical addiction. This was not a psychological dependency.

I met a woman this last weekend that lost her best friend and is herself now troubled by epilepsy because of a drunk driver hitting her car. It was his 11th DUI. Driving drunk one time is bad. But some judge allowed him to drive after 10 DUIs. She believes it was because that man had money.

He could have stopped. He should have stopped. But he was not required to. His penalty for taking a life was the same as if it were his first offense. He paid the price, according to the law. But justice was not served.

Spend some time at dog shelter. Get up close and see what their lives are reduced to, coming out of situations like Vick's Pits. You can't help but wonder, "How could someone continue to allow this to happen? How could a person continually do this to another living being?"

Who knows the final number of dogs maimed, tortured and killed. Eighteen months in prison and 2 months of probation, punishment for his crimes. He's paid the price, according to the law. But justice was not served.

I do not hate Michael Vick. But the law failed those of us who value life. Some of us believe in it's sanctity. Don't you dare ask us to forget.

Now That I'm 40

2010-11-12T01:28:00.000-08:00

I turned 40 in July. Typing that just feels wrong. Wrong and true. There is no stopping the march of time, or the Ides of March. And in the face of what was most assuredly to be my official "turning old" event I decided to write about my feeble wisdom. 24 unique points of free advice. Better write it down before senility sets in and it becomes 24 points that are all the same point or one point that starts with "what" and ends with "is my name?"

This was written in July and actually posted to facenbook. But facenbook is not public and besides I want to delete the stupid Word doc with all this so might as well post it here too.

Enjoy...

Now that I'm 40 I'm pretty sure everyone wants me to drop my nuggets of wisdom…that obviously come with being old. Most of these have amazing stories behind them...most of which I have forgotten.

40 nuggets would be appropriate but I got tired of writing and needed a nap.

1. When I was 17 I thought that I had time to burn. It was like I was watching a giant candle smolder slowly through the night. Now that I’m 40 the candle has somehow turned into a sparkler. And some little kid is waving it around all crazy. “Hey, hold that still, you’re gonna burn down the house!”

2. Asking your wife, "Is that what you're wearing?" is not how you find out if she is ready to go. This phrase will most assuredly end with no one going anywhere. This is an "end game" scenario. Do not try to fix it. The damage is done. Any words that happen to fall out beyond this point (like, "I'm sorry" or "Baby, you look great in that") will be forged into coffin nails for later use.

Of course, if you do say this phrase - and are smart enough to realize your mouth has just launched a cluster grenade - you MIGHT be able to recover it by quickly following with, "...because I don't think you can get any more beautiful!"

3. When I was a teenager I arrogantly grouped most everyone older than me into the "useless" category. Now that I'm 40 I've expanded that group to include most teenagers.

4. I have lived long enough for my generation’s music to make a “comeback.” When did it ever leave?

5. With frightening accuracy my parent’s warnings about my future life have all come to pass. Except the one about “You’ll see, when you have kids.” But that’s probably only because I haven’t had any kids yet.

6. I used to be the center of the universe. When did that change?

7. Take care of your teeth and your hair. Brush them both softly.

8. I used to think that people at 40 were ancient. I mean, they didn’t appreciate any of my music, didn’t understand my hair and clothing choices and were just totally out of touch with what was going on in the world.

Oh man. Is that what kids are thinking about me?

10. God loves you, no matter what. Just ignore that guy on TV.

11. Now That I’m 40 I have learned, contrary to my Brother and Wife, that driving over the speed limit while constantly changing lanes and passing everyone is a complete waste. It may gain you a little time but it will cost you much more in lost gas mileage and possible tickets.

Example:

A 240 mile trip at 65mph will take approximately 3 hours and 42 minutes, assuming your car gets 30mpg on the highway. At that speed you will consume 8 gallons of gasoline. At $3 per gallon that's $24 bucks.

However, mpg decreases over 60/65mpg for most cars. So, if you drive 80mph your gallon of gas will actually cost you $3.72 or $29.76. That's almost 6 dollars more! And what’s even worse: constant passing, braking and accelerating can add an additional 30% to the cost of your fuel.

Now your speeding and reckless driving will make your trip cost $38.69, all so you can get there 45 minutes sooner.

Only someone over 40 would take the time to research and calculate all this.

12. Just because you are talking and everyone else is laughing doesn’t mean that you are funny.

13. Real love is a choice, not a compulsion.

14. “Young Folks” by Peter, Bjorn & John is so rad!

15. Finish college. It doesn’t matter if your degree is in Ancient History or P.E. – just having one matters.

16. Don’t get in to something you don’t want to have to get out of.

17. Credit cards lie. Learn to balance your own checkbook and stop spending when you are out of money.

18. Don’t yell at or insult other drivers. They can’t hear you and they don’t care. If you must yell at them, make sure you have a good one prepared ahead of time.

“You need to get your license checked!” is not a good one.

19. Be consistent. “Unpredictable” is fun but you’ll find that most people will keep their distance.

20. Remember that other people have bad days too. Choose every morning to have a little grace for the people you meet. “A kind word in time of need is like water to one on fire.” or something like that.

21. Finding your soulmate requires you to stop looking.

22. It's pronounced "Or dervs" not "Whores De Vores"

23. Just smile and keep waving.

24. Skip dessert. Always.

Septembre

2010-09-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

School started two weeks ago and I am so stoked with this semester's class. They are all eager to learn and be Web designers as soon as possible. I am looking forward to seeing how far into Flash we will get!

Sara's internship search is going well. She is such a hard worker and I'm so proud of her! There is a possibility that she will get to work at the place that she really wants to (secret place, for now) so be praying for that opportunity to continue to open up.

"Dear Lord, please help Sara get the thing at that one place, amen."

I know once she gets in the door they will all fall in love with her and make her president of all the whole world...or something like that.

Spike, Cinnamon, Monkey and Stinky are all doing great. Well, Monkey has been losing weight like crazy - he's skeletal. I tried to ask him what his secret was and it turns out he has some kind of tumor ("It's not a tooomer", yes, actually, it is.). We give him medicine but it's hard to tell if it's working or not. He's still the same cat though, ruler (in his mind) of all the other animals. He and Spike will tag-team if there is ever any food left out on the counter; Monkey knocks it to the floor and then he and Spike dig in. Monkey is the instigator and Spike is the cleanup crew, eating the evidence - paper plate, sausage mcmuffin wrapper, etc.

As some of you already know, "Jason is less employed this month than he has been in previous months." But this time is shaping up to be a good learning experience and great opportunity! The learning experience has been to not put all your chickens in one basket. The great opportunity is that my business Zeromile Design is being resurrected and I am once again able to do the thing I really love to do - design and build Web sites!

I know God has great things ahead for us and we are just trying to trust Him. Does He really ask for anything more?

Cheers,
Jason

Auguste

2010-08-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Meh. It's hot.

Anonymous, I Bid Thee Adieu

2010-05-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, this blog allowed anonymous posts because many of it's readers do not have Blogger accounts. However, I have been receiving a huge influx of anonymous posts from large companies wanting to sell me big things, but no anonymous posts from actual readers.

I'm a little tired of deleting the posts so I am turning off anonymous posting.

If you want to post, then use your Google/Blogger/OpenID account. Otherwise you will have to just keep your comments to yourself.

Februum

2010-02-27T22:13:00.000-08:00

What's up all y'all? You don't have to answer that. I just said it to be polite.

So, all my wisdom teeth are gone now. And I am left with a few extra holes in my head (for another 10 days I'm told). Also, the inside of my mouth feels like someone hit it with a bat - the illegal corked kind. When I had my lower ones pulled 20 years ago I was asleep. This time I was wide awake. Good times.

I have a very authentic fear of going to the dentist. It started when I was a kid. Every trip to the dentist included wearing what were basically teethless dentures filled with "cherry" flavored fluoride. As if brushing twice a day, flossing and drinking fluoridated water wasn't enough. We had to get fluoride teeth baths every 6 months. The fluoride burned. It was 10 minutes of cherry flavored lava searing your teeth and gums into good health.

Later in life I was at a different dentist for a root canal. Just as I lay back in the chair and the drill is coming closer there is a huge flash of light and the sound of electrocution followed by an explosion. About 18 inches to my left. The dental assistant laughingly says, "Oh gosh, that thing has had a water leak for weeks. It was only a matter of time." Really? 68,000 rpm electric drill controller is leaking water and we are just waiting around for it to pop?

If you are uninformed or a little hazy on the details of a root canal I will break it down for you. They drill out the center of your tooth down to the roots, which they then extract or grind away. This is followed by a chemical bath to kill bacteria and then another chemical is used to fill in the empty void that is now your tooth. After the filling sets the tooth gets a crown which, according to the dentist, helps prevent your tooth from shattering in your mouth while you are eating or at a loud concert. Yeah, I've had that nightmare too.

After the smoke clears I'm moved to another room where the procedure is resumed. The dentist begins to drill into my teeth. Wheeeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeee SNAP! "Oops, broke a drill bit." Change bit. Whiiiiiiirrrrrrreeeeeeerrrrrreeeeeerrrrrrriiiiiiii SNAP! "Oops, broke another bit." Change bit...aaand 3 drill bits later It's all done. Later on I learn that there was some bacteria still left behind so the thing had to be done all over again. Good times.

Now, my recent upper Wisdom teeth extraction, Novocaine only, wide awake baby! Needle in cheek..."AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! My face is on FIRE!!!". Dentist: "Oops, must have hit an artery." How is it that they can be so calm all the time? After my face calmed down and I stopped crying everything went pretty smoothly. And, apparently, the artery thing is pretty common.

Hence my fear of going to the dentist. Therefore, I brush and floss all the time. Riiight. Happy February.

I'm Write On My Email

2010-01-20T13:21:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post contains the word Butt. If the word Butt offends you please do not read this post.

This was an email sent to me earlier today. Andrew is so not a girl's name so I know this is fake.

from: ANDREW MELITA
to: jasonleecooksey

I am female. I have a red hair with copper shimmering. My eyes is brown. I am not high. I have beautiful butt. My hair is long straight. I live in a big city. I work in banking. I like to watch shows. Representations in the circus. I like animals . I like desert. If you talk about me I am passionate. Most of all in men I value sense of humor. When I you noticed cinema. lightning agreed that should. Because I can be for you a unforgettable or someone great if you want. I'm write me on my e-mail.

New Camera

2009-12-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, we just bought a new video camera for work. Its a Canon Vixia HF200. Out of the box it takes some decent clips but when you start monkeying with the menus (this camera is mas configurable) you get even better results.

In my testing I couldn't resist busting out a yo-yo-yo. The door opening and closing at the end is my boss walking into the con-fer-ence room. Perfect timing.

Yo Yo YO all y'all!

2009-06-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

Last week before last I was in Newport Beach giving a talk to a group of guys about the Website I built for The VIP Card (www.getyourvip.com). It was supposed to be informative, topical and of course witty. But as things turned out I never really had time to put my presentation together. So my informative was too informative, there were really too many topics for people to follow...and my witty was more twitty. Oh well. Jesus still loves me.

Ok, so in running all over the place to set up this thing and talk to those guys I had only a short time to rest between engagements...buuuuut instead of resting I made this video...this is tremendous proof for why we don't leave me alone in a hotel room for 5 minutes.

Summer is here. Dang.

2009-05-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

Can you believe its already Summer? Time to break out the shorts and shave the cats. Oh wait, it's only May? "Hey, that's not a summer month" you say? I know. Welcome to Fresno. We do summer a little differently around these parts.

Summer in Fresno is not for the faint of heart, thin of skin or those made of ice or snow (your magic silk top hat is useless my friend). If you insist on living in Fresno during the Summer months (May to October) here are some useful tips to help beat the heat.

Don't wear a sweater
Use air conditioning
- If you don't have air conditioning then you can put a wet towel on your head or wrap yourself in a wet sheet and stand in front of a big fan.
Don't go outside
- If you must go outside:
  - Get one of those sweet solar powered fan hats
  - Make sure your car is regularly parked in a garage, under a carport/tree or in a swimming pool because the inside temperatures of a motor vehicle in the sun can grow to almost 30% hotter than the outside temp. That's hot enough to make your own beef jerky. If you do make jerky I would like some. Especially if its Teriyaki. But regular type is ok too.
Drink lots of water
Eat less spicy food
Eat a dill pickle or drink pickle juice
- Seriously this works!
Keep your clothing in the freezer

Summer is a great time for barbecuing but you should remember to keep yourself in the shade while being a grill master. Also, it is not a good idea to bring the grill into the house. This will increase the temperature of your house and offset any cooling gained from your air conditioner or wet towel head.

I hope these tips helped to keep you cool. Please add your own tips in the comments section. Thanks!

Multimedia message

2008-12-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

Tom Wears Steve's Sweater

2008-12-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

After enduring much teasing by the ever-ruthless internet regarding his sweater, Steven Shepard was finally vindicated after it was revealed that none other than uber-fashionista Tom Cruise owns, and wore in public, the same sweater.

Steve could not be reached for comment. Though, we are sure he is celebrating this victory quietly with his close family at their retreat in New Hampshire.

Video Games

2008-11-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

As most of you know I'm not a big proponent of video games. You could even call me an opponent. When a person chooses to drink or do drugs instead of eating or sleeping we call that person an addict. Yet when a person forgoes food and sleep to play video games we call them a "gamer." I'm sorry, but in my opinion video games are melting the brains of our youth.

Ok, enough with that noise.

Sara and I were at Good Will in Pacific Grove on our anniversary and I found my favorite video game from 1994 for $1.00! I Look forward to skipping meals and sleep so that I can finally get to the "big boss" level.

Fresh Specs

2008-09-26T12:24:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I found these sunglasses in a parking lot. And they were sweet. Black and blingy and they totally fit my head - it was love at first sight (after I washed them). But there was one problem (besides being dirty). They were woman's sunglasses. Whatever.

So, Sara made me get rid of them (I think Aunt Di got them) because, apparently I am fabulous - just not THAT fabulous.

Here's the video I made after I washed them. Its in a hotel room we were staying at for a wedding. I miss those glasses.

hanging with the boys

2008-08-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

Me, John and Jacob checking out the Homestar Runner.

Fast Food Kitteh

2008-08-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

more animals

...20 years later

2008-08-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

[attention: this post was originally created several months ago but I never got around to posting it! here it is.]

Ok, so, many of you might think I'm a smart guy. And maybe I am. But unfortunately I really have nothing to show for it (besides my receding hairline which makes my head look bigger thereby giving the illusion that I am smarter - bigger head = bigger brain). Ipso-facto, I am going back to school.

Its indeed strange to be back at school. I was just here! Wait, that was 20 years ago. Wow, am I really that old?

"Its" is a contraction of "it is", which used to be written as "it's" but since the apostrophe "s" also makes the "it" possessive. It is no long appropriate to contract "it is" as "it's" - at least that's what the internet told me

This time around I don't have to worry about being cool (not that I ever was to begin with)

though I will miss hanging out with Grant and Molly and Zane. Well, I get to hang out with my wife which is way better.

Post Your Comments...and Take the Poll

2008-08-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, apparently some people(mostly my sister, Lora) who read this blog have wanted to post comments but were unable to because they were not Blogger members. I have removed that requirement so now you can post all the thoughts and feelings you've been just dying to share with the world. Please don't say any stupid crap or I'll have to shut you down Leroy Brown.

Take note that the layout has changed on the right a little. You can now subscribe to this blog's RSS feed and know instantly by email whenever I make an idiot of myself. Big time NASA stuff, you guys. Also, watch for new polls there(and while you are driving). Your poll choices are anonymous and could really mean a lot to the field of science.

When/If you do subscribe you will get an email with a link that you have to click in order to confirm your subscription. But you know what that means already because only geniuses read this blog.

Broken

2008-08-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry Bran. It was broken before we started to unpack everything. When the wall was released the glass could be heard tinkling down through your stuff.

Trenton coming home

2008-08-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

Trenton is on his way home now.

Early this morning Sara got a call from Jane that Trenton(our nephew, youngest son of John and Brandi) had a seizure and was on his way to the emergency room. Apparently Brandi had to administer CPR because she found him unresponsive with his eyes rolling back in his head. After much praying and waiting Trenton is doing well now and was released just a little while ago.

His brain scan came up negative (inconclusive - he has a brain it's just normal). Everything looked normal. They will now have to run some more tests. Please be praying for Trent and the Laniers and Fains. We saw God's faithfulness this morning.

I'm thankful that they were here and not still in Missouri.

First Mobile Post

2008-08-10T13:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm trying out this mobile post thing through Blogger. Apparently, I can post to my blog with my phone - a la Twitter . I can also use email to post, which is how I'm doing this one. I have no control over the formatting but the idea of being able to post to my blog from my phone sounds uber-nerdy. That's how I roll, yo.

Now I just need to upgrade my phone with an sms plan.

They're back, yo!

2008-08-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

John and Brandi (and Jacob, Madison and Trenton) arrived back in Fresno tonight from their 2.5 year vacation in Missouri! Which proves my theory that Fresno is a giant black hole that nothing can escape from - not even light. We are all so excited to have them here and can't wait to return to our previous life of sleep-overs, tea parties and falling asleep to movies.

The kids have all grown so much! It seems like just yesterday that Jacob was barely tall enough to punch me in the jimmy - which he did often. Now he's so much bigger and more mature.

And Madison has totally come out of her shell and is quite a little social butterfly. She's going to have a full dance card before she knows it.

Of course little Trenton is still up to his old tricks...up in the same places. What is it with kids and shoving stuff up their noses...like, fingers and glow in the dark sticks?