Having grown up in a divorced family, I was terrified of marriage. I didn’t believe I would find an honest and trustworthy partner who wanted a lifetime commitment. And if I did, how would I know it would last?

In social work school, I learned how people tend to repeat family patterns. This only increased my anxiety. The thought of repeating the mistakes my parents made loomed large in my mind.

Thank goodness I went to therapy and learned that deeply understanding my family dynamics and the impact they had on me, would support me in not repeating their relationship patterns.

It is vital that each of us look inward to see what we learned about relationships from our parents and be more intentional in our own relationships.

Here is an article I found on just that:

Repetition Compulsion and the Fear of Intimacy

If you missed our article last week, you may want to check it out:

Going Back in Time to Move Your Relationship Ahead

We are here to support you in your relationship journey.

If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.

Photo credit DAPA Images

Grief is not a subject I have written much about, but it is something we all experience in micro and macro forms. None of us escape this life without facing loss.

Recently, I attended a seminar on loss and grief with world-renowned author, David Kessler. He is the protégé of Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who wrote the international bestselling book, On Death And Dying*, where she first discussed the five stages of grief. Elisabeth passed away in 2004.

In 2020, David Kessler wrote a follow-up book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief*. His work focuses on more than loss through death. It includes the losses people experience through divorce, breakups and betrayals.

For anyone who has experienced a recent or past loss, he is the foremost expert on healing from grief. I highly recommend his book and his website, Grief.com, which is chock full of resources, information and videos. Bob and I lost two family members this past year and our 17-year-old beloved dog, Archie. David Kessler’s work has been invaluable to me.

The pandemic has created world-wide trauma and loss for every person on the planet. Though each of us has experienced loss in different ways, it’s been the most difficult year I can ever recall in my lifetime.

In David’s seminar, he described micro and macro losses. Here are some of the points he made that I wanted to share with you:

• There is no “right” way to grieve. We all grieve differently. It’s quite individual like our fingerprints.
• We don’t “get over” grief. When someone asks David, “How long is my partner going to grieve for their loss?” he responds, “How long is that person going to be dead?”
• The worst grief is your own. Don’t compare your grief to another’s. Don’t discount your grief if you think yours is “not as bad” as someone else’s. The world is big enough for all our losses.
• Find security in your grief. None of us get through life without experiencing it. Grief is okay. Let yourself feel it and express it.
• Some people hold their tears inside. They are afraid if they start crying, they will never stop. That is impossible. Allow yourself to cry. If you don’t, your body will take it on.
• The “pain” of grief is your “love” for that person.
• Finding “meaning” in a loved one’s death, doesn’t mean it’s okay that they died or that there was a reason they died.
• “Meaning” is what we make out of the loss, how we carry it forward.
• Death ends a life, not a relationship, not love.
• There is no good answer to the question “why or what if.” Stop asking it.
• When we lose a person we love, we have to establish a new relationship with them. We must answer the question, “How do we love them in their absence?”
• Loss changes our identity and makes us wonder, “Who am I without this person in the world?”
• There are stages of loss:
  • Preparatory grief is anticipating grief.
  • Acute grief is about the first 6-9 months.
  • Early grief is the first two years.
  • Mature grief is when we make meaning out of the loss.
• Our response to grief is shaped by our history and how loss was dealt with in our families of origin. Was it discussed? Hidden? Swept under the rug?
• We live in a grief-illiterate society. It makes us uncomfortable. We aren’t taught how to deal with grief, how to talk about it, how to help others with it, so we turn away from it.
• The best way to help another who is grieving is just to “bear witness” to their loss and their pain. Just listen.
• Love and grief are a package deal. You can’t have one without the other. The only way to avoid grief is to avoid love.
• The pain from loss is inevitable, but suffering is what we do to ourselves.
• Finding joy and peace again after loss is not being “disloyal” to your loved one.

Though I have been in practice for 32 years, I am still learning. The more I learn, the more I realize how much more there is to know. I am grateful to David Kessler for these lessons.

We are here to support you in your relationship journey.

If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.

Photo credit izzzy71

*affiliate link

For better or worse, all couples have “habits” in their relationships. The Free Dictionary defines a habit as “A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition.” It’s an act we learn to repeat, that recurs involuntarily without having to think about it.

Most often we think of habits as “bad.” How often have you heard others say:

You have a habit of…

• Being defensive
• Not listening when I talk
• Cracking your knuckles
• Swearing
• Overeating when you are upset
• Talking with your mouth full
• Biting your nails
• Overspending
• Drinking too much alcohol

Despite the negative connotation, habits can be good or bad. The philosopher, William James, says,

We speak, it is true, of good habits and of bad habits; but, when people use the word ‘habit,’ in the majority of instances, it is a bad habit which they have in mind. They talk of the smoking-habit and the swearing-habit and the drinking-habit, but not of the abstention-habit or the moderation-habit or the courage-habit. But the fact is that our virtues are habits as much as our vices. All our life, so far as it has definite form, is but a mass of habits,—practical, emotional, and intellectual,—systematically organized for our weal or woe, and bearing us irresistibly toward our destiny, whatever the latter may be.

Intentionally creating more “love habits” builds a stronger relationship.

Here are 10 of our favorite love habits and the messages they convey.

1. Start the day by asking your partner, “How does your day look today?”

   (You’re my best friend and I’m interested in your well-being.)

2. Give specific compliments: “You look really handsome in that suit.”

   (I admire you.)

3. Be affectionate: 10-second hugs, kisses, snuggle in bed for 5 minutes

   (I love and feel close to you.)

4. Express desire: “I can’t wait to fool around tonight.”

   (I am attracted to you.)

5. Check in during the day: “How’s your day going?”

   (I care about you.)

6. Show gestures of love: Bring your partner their favorite candy or flowers

   (You’re special.)

7. Express appreciation: “Thanks for emptying the dishwasher.”

   (I don’t take you for granted.)

8. Turn off electronics: “Honey, let’s just sit and talk tonight.”

   (I want to connect with you.)

9. Communicate in a positive way: Instead of “You never…” try “It would really mean a lot to me if you…”

   (I respect you and take responsibility for my needs.)

10. Initiate time together: “How about us going on a date Saturday night? I’ll make the arrangements.”

    (Our relationship is important to me.)

Bob and I have practiced tiny love habits for years and we can tell you it keeps love alive, especially at times when we have conflict. A loving connection doesn’t just happen. You build it.

Creating love habits in your relationship may take a little effort, but ultimately these behaviors become your automatic response. Here’s why that’s so important:

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned marriage researcher, found a “magic relationship ratio” of 5 to 1 in the best relationships. That is, the most stable and happy couples had five positive interactions for every one negative.

Learn more about The Magic Ratio, According to Science.

Talk with your partner about the small love habits that would make a big difference to each of you in your relationship. Intentionally creating more joy and positivity will serve you well.

We are here to support you in your relationship journey.

If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.

Photo credit dawnie12

During this difficult period in our lives, one of the tools that has been most helpful to us is gratitude. Like most people, we have had our share of losses, ups and downs, happy and sad days, and feelings of depression and anxiety. To keep ourselves going, we try to take some time each day to consciously focus on what we are grateful for.

We feel fortunate that we have been able to continue our practice virtually, that we have a comfortable place to live, that we have family and friends even if our contact has been limited to Zoom and Facetime, and that we have each other.

To begin 2021, we want to share an article with you about what other “couples’ therapists” recommend to keep relationships together during the pandemics:

Can Your Relationship Survive the Togetherness of a Pandemic? Here Are 11 Things Couples’ Therapists Recommend

We are here to support you in your relationship journey.

If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.

Photo credit Syda Productions

Only two more weeks till 2020 is done. I’m sure I’m not the only one who will be happy to say goodbye to this year. The pandemic, on top of all the political divisiveness in our country, has caused more stress than I can ever remember. In addition, we lost a beloved family member and our family dog.

Many of our clients also had a tough year — with business challenges in addition to trying to support their children in virtual school. We have had several clients and friends whose family members have had COVID and, thank goodness, have recovered.

Our article this week gives tips on how to handle different degrees of comfort (or discomfort) with COVID over the holidays:

Gracefully Navigating Varying COVID Comfort Levels During the Holidays

You may also be interested in:

5 Quick Tips to De-Stress During Holiday Time

Love Under Lockdown – 3 Tips to Strengthen Your Connection During COVID-19

Why Couples Fight (And Why They Should)

How to Make Decisions About Winter Holiday Gatherings Amid COVID-19

We are here to support you in your relationship journey.

If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.

Photo credit Drazen Zigic