Relationship Buzz With Ramy & Morena

Why You Keep Dating The Same Kind Of Men

2021-10-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

Do You Keep Dating The Same Kind of Men?

It can be frustrating to keep dating the same kind of guy, not the nice ones you know, the ones who always ends up affirming the saying that has been around for decades, that men are beasts, men are trash and that women always seem to gravitate towards the same type of guy. I mean opposite attracts.

Studies show that women always seem to gravitate towards the same kind of guy: the alphas, the ones who command a room, the beautiful smile and you end up getting cheated on or left.

James Allen said" Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are."

So what is it? If you keep looking back on the list of your exes, what's the one thing that they have in common? Or maybe its you? The one common denominator in this narrative .Is it you who always attracts the wrong kind of attention? Or what energy are you giving off that these guys see you as vulnerable?

What Is The Reason Why You Keep Dating The Same Kind Of Men?

The most innocent thing we do is believing that everyone is innocent . We go with the saying 'everyone is innocent until proven guilty.'

Do you really believe that? That the first stranger you meet and have only known for two months is innocent?

Trusting the fact that everyone is innocent means you giving your trust away just like that. And this is clearly why you get hurt. Once you end up trusting your heart and emotions to a person you barely know, then you giving them room to lie to you, to play games with you. You will ignore all the red flags because you want to trust in them. Because "they haven't done anything wrong!".

Even murderers still go to church . You never know what's going on inside someone's mind. So what makes you think they are innocent? Just because they haven't done something , doesn't mean they wont do it. Its less risky if you let someone earn your trust first.

Stop Getting Played!

Its time to change your mentality. Change the way you think. You're guilty until proven innocent , is the new way of thinking. The chances of you getting hurt are slim once you put your raider on alert . Am not saying you start being all freaky and follow them around or check their stuff. All am saying is stay alert and when you see the red flag that's your "Go sign" right there. Do not ignore it. "But maybe he has an explanation why he has a picture of your best friend on his phone ? Or maybe he is this ,he is that?

Stop looking for a reason to justify what you see or heard or feel. If your gut is telling you go right then go right. I know we all want to be the good guy and look for a reasonable explanation even when their isn't one but the world is changing in a pace we can't even comprehend. What will happen to the future generation? Will there be a man ,man enough to want to do right by her? Will there be a girl still nice enough to help him be the man he's supposed to be? The shift in the dating world is so major that we don't know what to expect ten years from now .

Unfortunately the world is not so innocent anymore to accommodate the word "nice". Just because you want something serious , doesn't mean the other person is entitled to feel the same way. The world today is bringing up men who are proud of the fact that they can get any girl they want and anytime and anyhow .They have clearly mastered the art of manipulation in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.

Go into any relationship with suspicion. Do not give them anyone benefit of doubt . Look for the red flags. It's better if you keep looking and see the red flags than believe that he is innocent and miss the red flags .

Culture Defining Our Relationships

2021-09-24T10:55:00.003-07:00

How Culture is Defining Our Relationships Today.

Culture plays a significance part in our relationships today: both healthy and unhealthy. It is culture that has shaped our perspective on how our relationships ought to be or not ought to be, on what kind of man or women we should be in the relationship, with ideals like what makes a relationship work and what doesn't .

The truth is that our actions are influenced by the environment we have been raised in. For example, some of us have been raised in a culture where the concept of male masculinity is about physical strength.

From Indian ,African to Mexican ,these are cultures which cannot just embrace what relationships stand for in this modern day: fancy, freedom and virtual. It feels like its an annihilation of what culture stands for when it comes to relationships. Of course, the modern era comes with change that threaten to annihilate what society, what culture stood for and so its scary for our parents, for our great great grandparents to live in a world where they see todays generation changing. Change is not bad but when things start to change at a faster pace then everything seems to be in chaos.

For example ,Marriage has always played a huge role in the African culture for decades and even arranged marriages was an acceptable. It was a sign of wealth ,a sign of status but things have changed drastically. In the 21st century marriage doesn't carry that much significance as it did 20 years ago. Today people have a choice whether they want to get married or not and if they do then who do they want to marry and at what age they would like to get married.

How has culture affected our relationships today?

Culture is what made us be the people we are today and the way we act, the way we relate to others .

1. Relationships are tough today because its not the norm we are used to. Men knew their roles and so did women and as some of us are trying to cling on to that concept, a lot of misunderstandings and arguments arise in the relationship. Especially with women coming out of their shell and fighting for their rights in todays society.

2. Men are not used to being vulnerable. Any African man can testify to the fact that they have been told " a man should not be weak, a man does not cry, mwanaume ni kuvumilia" by their fathers, who have been told the same by their fathers before them. But today women need that vulnerable side of the man to show them that they care. Being vulnerable means they will let them in more and express their feelings more.

3. As women rise to their feet and demand their rights and more opportunities, the men feel like they have lost their place, they have lost their identity in the community. Back in the days, men used to be worshipped and women used to respect the men but today women want to do what men do and they are even earning more than their husbands so the men have been made to feel inferior to a point where they want to show their strength, that they are still in charge by hitting women, and being unfaithful to show their " macho" side.

3. Some relationships still struggle with the finding balance between the old traditions in dating and the new tradition of dating. Some women want to let the man be the provider while the man ants the woman to help with the finances in the house. Today relationships are more about negotiations like who will take the kids to school tomorrow or who pays the rent or who pays for dinner? Its all open for debate but back then everyone knew their roles.

4. In some countries, not everyone has the same freedom to choose whom they want to date and marry. They still embrace the part of the culture where a parent or an elder is allowed to choose a partner for their kids.

The fight for civil rights and the LGBTQ has been going on for a while now in most countries. But most countries have banned have banned these relations as they do not align with what culture represents. Some countries have even introduced punishment with life imprisonment. Many people are forced to remain in the closet about their sexuality.

How do we embrace the new dating culture and still manage to hold on to our roots and traditions?

Todays generation is more alone than ever because it has embraced the concept of " Me, Myself and I" more than communism which is what culture stood for.

We all want and crave the kind of love that Romeo and Juliet had but we don't realize the type of work, courage and commitment it took for that kind of romance to blossom .

Especially today when the norms of relationships are not what we used to know. We have an obligation to help each other. When the other grows then you grow together and that's the rule of any relationship: Teamwork.

The new culture of dating today has its benefit as well. Social media makes dating much easier. but its also responsible for a lot of jealousy and breaking up of most relationships. Today you can meet people online in just a few seconds and video call with your partner anytime anywhere but also this is so much different from that organic feeling you get by just meeting someone the old fashioned way; introduction by relatives or friends, you know. Meet someone on the road, talk for a few days, go out and just get to know each other before jumping into something serious. Culture and modernity are two fundamental part of our lives, shaping us from who we were yesterday, to whom we want to be tomorrow. Culture makes us feel a part of something greater. It connects us with our families, traditions and values.

When Your Partner Doesn't Want To Talk About His/ Her Feelings

2021-09-17T01:39:00.001-07:00

We all want someone who is always going to be there for us, not just physically or financially but also emotionally. Its hard enough just finding someone who is honest and single today and now also having to deal with people who just use excuses to hide their feelings can also be just as overwhelming.

Have you been in a relationship where your partner doesn't open up about their emotions the same way you do? And they make you feel like you need to work hard to keep them talking ?And when you push harder they become OFFENSIVE then am afraid you just got yourself an emotionally unavailable partner.

Who is an emotionally unavailable person?

An emotionally unavailable person is someone who isn't able or isn't willing to be there emotionally. They shrink away when it comes to arguments or just talks of expressing ones feelings.

Of course there are people who are just slow at opening up but they will eventually open up but with emotionally unavailable people , they just wont open up, no matter how much you scream or cry or beg.

Its so frustrating because you think ,Why cant everyone just open up and talk abut their feelings? Its the easiest thing to do but we all just love a little drama ,don't we? We want to drown ourselves in our own trauma and bring others down with us.NO BIG DEAL .

Being with a partner who isn't ready to open up is hard but at the same time it doesn't mean that they are bad, it just means that they are struggling with a past event that they haven't fully dealt with. The most important requirement in a good relation is the ability to communicate and share feelings, nonetheless the relationship will fail. And being with someone who is completely cut off can be a major warning sign.

How do you know your partner is emotionally unavailable?

They don't want to talk about topics that make them vulnerable.

I mean being vulnerable means you have to talk about the deep stuff, and none of these conversations are easy for anyone but avoiding to talk about it, doesn't make the problem go away. They give vague responses and laugh or make jokes rather than talk about a serious topic. This is a mechanism that most people use to hide their emotions.

2. They are not affectionate. We all want someone whos a bit affectionate, or at least make the effort to either receive or give. They have a difficult time showing their affections or receiving them as well. this means that they do not recognize the little efforts you do for them to show them that you love them.

3. They misunderstand everything. They become very offensive if you talk to them about their behavior. And furthermore, they do not realize that they have been distant emotionally and so when you bring this issue up, they feel offended.

4. They pull away. Once they feel like you nagging them to talk about their emotions, they start to pull away and hide in their own emotions. As they pull away, they make sure you feel like its your fault, that the reason you guys are pulling away, is because you are too persistent and intense.

5. They'd rather be physical than emotional. This helps to avoid the seriousness and intensity of feelings.

Sometimes, things aren't just as black and white as we wish them to be. There's a reason why someone is the person they are today. there's a reason why someone decides put a wall up , TO PUT UP A BARRIER and the reality of this is that the barrier is either meant to KEEP SOMETHING OUT OR TO KEEP SOMETHING IN. Try to understand why your partner is emotionally unavailable before you try any ideas like changing them, or loving them unconditionally till they love you back the same way.

I know you saying but i really like this person, Is there anything I can do to change them ?

Here's where the problem comes. All you want is to make this relationship work because you're so into them but ask yourself what are they really doing? Are they putting in the effort? Because all I see here is a one sided relationship. You are the one putting in all this effort while this person is just drowning themselves in their past and trauma and they want to bring you down with them.

It all comes down to you now. Do you want to be the person who tries to change them only to be the one who changes at the end. Emotional unavailable people are not available not because they don't love you but its because they have been through something or trauma that has made them what they are today. Its not that they don't value you, they just feel comfortable in their pain. They are comfortable with the way things are for them.

Or do you want to be the person who waits for him or her to get their shit together? If you want to wait, then be prepared to accept the fact that this is the type of relationship you will be in, Willing to still accept this person even three years to come , because the painful truth is that the results at the end of the tunnel might just end up to be the same. You cant keep boiling waiter and majani and expect to have milk tea. Staying and hoping things will change is just waiting for disappointment

Once you get out of the denial-acceptance stage, you will feel so much lighter and you will understand the path you have to take . Leaving can be hard, it will be painful but temporary and the more you stay, the more likely you are to get just as damaged as he or she is.

The cycle is the same, you get cheated on then you bring your insecurities to your next perfect relationship, who instead messes up his next relationship because they always feel like they are accused of something, carrying the weight of what you did and also in turn brings all that negativity to the next relationship...….Its a never ending cycle. When does it stop? This same person you think is cold and heartless was once just a light hearted, happy person , holding on and praying until they were too broken and went into self destruct mode.

Waiting might be a good gesture, because we never want to give up on someone we love. Just thinking that MAYBE they will realize that they have a diamond and they want to change or MAYBE they will realize that its their behavior that's making everyone they love to walk away and they change or MAYBE they decide to deal with the unprocessed pain but this is just a lot of MAYBE'S but maybe they will never change, maybe they will never see you as the diamond you are or maybe they will never deal with their trauma so its up to you to decide what you want to do at the end. You can only help those who want to help themselves.

Why Do Couples Really Fight?

2021-08-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

Is It Good or Bad To fight in A Relationship?

Research shows that it is indeed healthy for couples to fight. Even if you fight everyday, it doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed. Its just a question of are your arguments going to be more productive or less productive? How does it end?

When we start a conversation ,most of the time it's because we want to talk and solve the underlying issues in the relationship. But what happens is that along the way everything gets lost in translation because even if we talk and we are not heard then the conversation is not going anywhere. Research shows that most arguments are always about the same issues and 60 percent of what people fight about never gets resolved.

So why do couples fight?

Kitchen Sinking. If you look very carefully in your own relationship, then you would realize that you always argue about the same issues. By not fixing these issues in the past, you have allowed them pile up to the point where you don't know where to begin fixing these issues. This is what we call " kitchen sinking". You leave the utensils in the sink , they pile up until you don't know where to begin with washing these utensils. the same way in a relationship, if you put these issues under a rug, you would have a hard time knowing where to start fixing the issues.

2. Bringing up past mistakes is a common thing most people do in relationships, especially women. We tend to do this a lot. It started with "a why didn't you reply to my texts in the morning" and ended up being about how you cheated on me two years ago. In the end, you don't even know what was the issue in the first place.

3. Not finding the balance. We have all been raised differently. There are people who are ready to talk about it all out and put everything on the table and others who don't like confrontation. There are those who keep things to themselves and others who explode the moment they find out. and so not finding the balance between these two people can cause the arguments to go very fast into a completely negative space .

4. Always looking for mistakes . If your partner messed up now you feel like you have the right to doubt everything they say and do. Even if they are really trying, you disregard their efforts and you start looking for those small mistakes to find reasons to show why you think him or her will hurt you again.

5. Defense Mode. The human mind has clearly been for years developing the defense protocol whenever an argument occurs. Whenever it feels attacked, it starts to prepare defense. Humans we only listen for a few seconds the start preparing difference, its incredible how our mind works. Just a few minutes of paying attention and then boom, Defense!

6. Always justifying our actions and characterizing the actions of the other. Always justifying our actions and characterizing the actions of the other. When we do something its because it was circumstantial and if the other does it, its because its a reflection of their character. Its who they are and this accusing of the other person can cause real damage in any relationship because they will always feel like a failure, like they are failures in whatever they do.

"One thing about arguments is that ,Can you imagine that there is this person that is close to you that actually has a completely different experience of what just happened? And that's challenging in a relationship because if I am feeling this way its because you must have done something to make me feel this way. Otherwise why am I feeling it?" Says Esther Perel in one of her interviews.

So how do we fight better? How do we ensure that these fights are beneficial to our growth as individuals and as a couple?

The first thing to do is to identify these issues. Identify the issues that you fight most about then find the root cause of these arguments. This will help you to avoid fighting over the same issues over and over again. Then its now a matter of how do you handle these issues, are you ready to turn your conversations into a much more positive talk rather than shouting and cursing on each other. And the first step is do not use the word " always". You always lie to me..., You always do this" This globalizing of the word always will only increase the tension in the arguments.

Understand the fact that the two of you have been raised differently. There are those who have been taught to fight, to argue to defend themselves and those who have been taught to just keep quiet and never ask for what they really want. The way we are brought up have a great influence on who we become and by understanding this, we are accepting that we are different and we have been taught to handle situations very differently. Some people like to keep things to themselves and others want to get over with it. By understanding who your partner is ,it will be able to help you to know how best to handle the situation. The more one person goes up the more the other shuts down the more it activates the other to keep shouting and feeling in control

Arguments are not always about who is right and who is wrong. Even if you feel you haven't done something wrong, it is good to acknowledge that the other person feels like you did. Its a way of saying I can hear you even if I don't agree with you, which is a huge step, which means you are listening and you really care about why the other person genuinely feels hurt by your actions.

"Remember that behind every anger is hurt, and behind every criticism is a wish" Says the Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel.

Affordable Date Night Ideas

2021-08-07T11:33:00.002-07:00

Affordable Date Night Ideas

You want to take your date out but then you just cant afford it? Love costs, not just heart breaks but also money. Sometimes you need to show someone that you are willing to spend on them but you don't have to choose between spending on that special someone and paying rent.

Sometimes even if you want to spend on someone, we just cant afford it. But don't worry, there are plenty of ways you can make someone feel special and still not spend a lot. Cheap isn't boring, it just means being a bit creative with ideas for the date.

Here are a few affordable date night ideas to try out.

a)Prepare a dinner date.

This is the oldest trick in the book but you have to tune it up a bit. I know you asking, how can I come up with such a perfect date ?

Its simple, Any meal can be special with the right feeling and mood ; play soft background music to lighten up the mood in the room, light up some candles and have a beautiful date.

Try cooking together. Cooking feels more like a chore than a romantic way because we do it everyday but it also has its benefits. For example it helps you see how much you guys are in sync .

Experiment on new recipes. There are so many cooking tutorials online to help you cook almost anything.

b)Watch sunset together.

If you are near a lake or ocean, then what better way to spend your evening than watching the sunset together. Its the perfect romantic place to keep the romance flowing.

c)Watch a movie indoors.

Save 500 Kenya Shillings and watch a movie indoors and have the place all to yourself.

Bring those blankets and pillows on the floor and have some pop corns for the night. Its not a must you watch a romantic film, it can be spontaneous, watch comedies and laugh or reality tv shows for love birds or cooking and make it all fun.

d)Have a karaoke night in your house.

If you love music and have the same taste in music then this is the perfect date for you.

e)Read a book together.

If you both love reading books, then have your own little book club. Look for time and read a book together, at least once a month or so as you have a glass of wine or order in some pizza

f) Play games together. It can be scrabble or dart . This is the fun way to talk and catch up on the interests of your partner.

Games are the simplest obvious ideas but we never think of them, do we?

Its not just about romance, sometimes its more about fun, seeing the competitive side of each other and games are a perfect way to do that.

A little competitive fun night will do your relationship wonders. Winner cooks dinner the next day.

The best advice for anyone who is in a relationship: dating or marriage, is to never stop dating. Every day should feel like the first day you falling in love and what a better way to create this mood by going out on dates. And the faster you turn this into a habit, the better chances the relationship will be more fruitful.

Three Important Rules For All Relationships

2021-08-01T05:15:00.003-07:00

Three Important Rules For All Relationships

We think that relationships do not need work and it should just be easy and flowing throughout but relationships might be the ONE thing that needs so much effort and time today.

Relationships are hard, they need more work than friendships or any other type of relations that we might have.

When a relationship is new, everything is so fun and exciting but as time continues ,we get so comfortable in the relationship and forget that it is easy to fall in love and even harder to stay in love and so when things start getting boring, we jump ship and start looking for the next new thing.We all have so many expectations and yet we doing so little.

As much as people find this to be a cliché, putting routines,having rituals and creating boundaries helps to give a sense of adventure, excitement,novelty and security.

a) Routine

It is important to have a positive routine that you do together. Routine is all about making time out of your normal schedule to spend together.

The reason some celebrities survive their relationships yet they never stay in the same place as their partner is because they have put a routine in place to ensure they make it work, no matter what.

And today, we need that more than anything because we get distracted very easily. Once a routine is set in place, it starts to become a habit, part of you and your partner. It is important to know that from this time to this time am going to spend it with my partner.

You can decide to bond in different ways, it might be going for a run or watching movies together or date nights once a week. Anything to keep the relationship adventurous. Do something spontaneous. Switch up the routine once in a while so that it doesn't become just a boring routine.

b) Ritual

Have something to give your relationship meaning.Even in our daily lives, we have rituals that give meanings to these special occasions like birth or death or even circumcision .

Rituals are more about what you do to give these special events meaning.We all have these small silly moments which make our relationships more meaningful that we remember even after little arguments here and there.

It might be that early morning kiss on the forehead ,or how you receive your partner when he comes home from work or brushing your teeth together . Have positive rituals that push you to the right direction rather than making you distance from your partner.

It is important to identify the negative rituals like staying glued to your phones when in bed or staying glued to a TV when your partner comes back from work and finding better ways to create better connection with your partner.

Couples that spend more time together, stay together. We can get so distracted with friends and work ,TV and phones that we forget to do the small little things together.

For example, Have a ritual of always checking in before you sleep, have a ritual of spending your anniversary together, maybe even going to the place you met to celebrate, have a special place where you can get together , give special moments special meanings.

c) Boundaries

Boundaries gives us a sense of where our freedom starts and where the limits are with that freedom. We cant be allowed to do everything we want, without really setting a line that you can never cross or consequences if you cross these boundaries. With boundaries, mutual respect is created and love blossoms. Without them, they create chaos and arguments.

I know this one is hard especially today, because when there's too much to hide then we want too much transparency but it is important to set these boundaries now more than ever.

First, it is important to communicate boundaries to your partner. if you are not a fun of P.D.A then say it, if you feel physically or emotionally violated then tell tour partner or you want your own space or privacy There are many types of boundaries to put in place for a healthier relationship. Just because we dating, doesn't mean ,you cant be an individual unless trust has been broken and you need complete transparency.

I mean it's he 21st century we should be better than this . We should be able to understand that there's time for everything, the time for the two of you and time for each one of you as an individual. Give each other space.

Encouraging your partner to spend time with his family or friends is actually a good thing. You can even bring your friends together once in a while and hang together.

Understand that your partner has a life outside of your relationship. He had a life before he met you and he still does, just because you met doesn't mean they stop living their lives.

All of these activities involve touch and eye contact, two fundamental things that help build a deeper emotional connection. Especially now during this pandemic, it has given couples an opportunity to come together and really see each other and be with each other.

Share with us in the comment section below, if you have a few routines, rituals that work for you in your relationships.

Signs That You Are Insecure In Your Relationship

2021-07-21T06:12:00.016-07:00

Signs That You Are Insecure In Your Relationship.

Are you insecure?Do you worry that you have put on too much weight?Do you worry about your stretch marks? Or is it about your financial situation? Or are you too afraid to voice your idea in a meeting?

Well,it's safe to say that we all have insecurities. It can be emotional, physical or financial.And it's even more tough to have these insecurities in your relationship.

We all know that relationships are tough, especially if you dealing with issues from your past relationships.The truth is that there's nothing wrong about being insecure but when you start being paranoid and it becomes a constant problem in all your relationships then there's definitely something to start worrying about.

Here are the signs that show that you are insecure in your relationship.

1. Always seeking validation.

"Does he even love me? Does he even mean it when he says it?"

Trust is a major thing in any relationship. There's nothing wrong with seeking constant reassurance of his love for you but the fact that you do not trust your partner when he says he loves you especially if he hasn't done anything to prove you otherwise then that's a major setback.

"Do you love me? "Ten minutes later "How much do you love me babe?"

You are allowed to ask but don't keep asking.

Are you asking these questions because you feel he's not being honest with you?Are you asking because you need to hear it constantly to remind yourself that you are loved? Are you asking because it is yourself that you don't trust to trust your partner because of past experiences?

What if he says yes? Will that make you feel better about yourself,about your relationship?

By questioning , you are allowing yourself to rely on someone's else's word to validate your value, to validate that you deserve to be loved,you are loved and you can be loved.

Unless he's showing you signs that he's not into the relationship anymore,then you have nothing to worry about.

2. Timing texts from your partner

Why did he take ten minutes to reply to my texts? Why isn't she replying? Did I say something wrong?

This has become a habit for most relationships as we determine the value of someone's love for us by how fast he texts or responds to our calls or how many times he called or texted in a day. Because if they don't then they are either cheating on you,or no longer interested in you .

This habit of always being in your partners neck with small things like texting will definitely push them away. Just because they didn't text on time doesn't mean they don't love you.

If you not happy with the way your partner texts or replies to you then talk to them .They might be having a busy schedule or a rough day at work.

Maybe if they doesn't reply at all or at least check in once a day then let them know this is how you would love to be treated and if they can't meet you halfway then it's better late than ever.

Relationships are all about communication and if they listen but they don't hear you then they are definitely not interested in putting in the effort.

3. Being needy is a sign of insecurity

Your partners world doesn't revolve around you , waiting on his calls and texts as if he has no other life apart from you is clearly a sign of insecurity.

Go out with friends have fun and if he's spending more time with his friends talk to him and ask him to spend more time with you .

4. Giving altimatums .

If he doesn't call me today then I'll know he doesn't care about me!.

If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave!

If you don't marry me then I'll look for someone who will .

All these threats ,bargains or call them whatever you want to will NOT change anything. It will only make you more insecure, questioning their feelings, if they don't respond in the way you demanded.

Again give people time to make space for you in their lives.

People don't respond well to ultimatums, especially men. Ultimatums only pressure and trap people into things that they don't really want to do. And if they do it, it's just to please you.

If they are putting you in a position where you would start giving ultimatums then he's not the one. She is not the one.

You can't keep asking all the time for the same things.

You can't keep waiting till they decide that this is what they want when they clearly don't know what they want.

Clearly you can see that you are not on the same level in this relationship. If you both in this together then it shouldn't be so hard.

5. Unrealistic expectations

Sometimes a relationship can't give you what a whole village can. Having high unrealistic expectations is the reason why most relationships fail because we expect this one person to give us everything and still be everything to us and for us.

We want this person to give us love, pleasure,pain, be close to us like glue but not too close so you have your own space, you want them to be open yet not too open so you don't loose that mysteriousness in the relationship and also at the same time expect them to be our best friend,our partner in crime ,our shoulder to cry on and everything in between.

And this can be too much. It's okay to have a life outside this relationship.

6. Comparing yourself to your partner's exes.

It's only natural to want to know who these exes are but there's a difference between mere appreciation for these exes who made your man the man he is today and obsessing over the exes and how to make him love you more than he did his exes and worrying maybe you will never measure up to his exes .

I mean this is just too much because first of all, this shows a lack of confidence in yourself. If he's friends with his exes and has given you absolutely no reason to doubt then don't go putting one into your head.

If he's not with her ,it's for a reason. After all who is he coming back to at the end of the day?

7. You keep comparing your current relationship with your past relationships.

We all do this all the time. We get into new relationships and yet we still carry the baggage of our past relationships. Just because you were once lied to and manipulated doesn't mean your current girlfriend or boyfriend is going to do the same.

Especially when it comes to being cheated on,if you had been cheated on,a detective mode will always be one thought away. We read into every little thing our partner does .

Until he's proven otherwise, don't let it be the downfall to all your new relationships.For each new relationship ,treat it like a fresh start.

If you keep letting your insecurities get the better of you then they are going to become a habit, and a bad habit for that matter.

If you feel you have any of the above signs, there is still room to work on it and make sure you have your happy ever after. Self love is very important so take time to work on yourself more .

Once you get yourself together, it's easier to form more relationships. Better relationships.

Why Is He Taking So Long To Reply To My Texts

2021-07-07T07:42:00.001-07:00

Why Is He Taking So Long To Reply To My Texts?

Sounds familiar?

Texting should be alot more easier today because of all the technology advances,you can just send voice notes or call instead of typing forever,but it seems to be quite the challenge for most relationships!

-Why isn't he texting me back?

Does him taking forever to reply imply that he doesn't feel as strongly towards you?

Is he taking his time because he's with someone else?

But literally from experience, texting can be a headache sometimes. A year ago,I had this same anxiety.

I would text my boyfriend then he will reply in a heart beat and i'd have this grin on my face and then he'd fall off the face of the earth and I'd start to be frustrated. Thirty minutes. No reply. I start to wonder why isn't he replying?

So I call but he doesn't pick up. I go to WhatsApp and check if he's online. Nothing. He must have changed his last seen to NOBODY. So I check the last time he posted on his status. Mmmh? .........He's always on his phone when he's with me so he definitely must be ignoring me.

I mean,it's fascinating how much the human mind can come up with just to give self a satisfactory response.

That's me one year ago. Playing detective in my relationship. I was obsessed with finding something when probably there was nothing to be found. In my head it was just, if you don't text or call back at the same speed am texting you, something is not right somewhere.

This shift from girlfriend or boyfriend to detective mode is the worst way to go about it. You are going to loose them.

You know there is an expression for this kind of behavior . It's called self sabotaging. Stop self sabotaging.

I mean why you keeping a timer on his texting habits? If he even delays 30 minutes from the last text ,you start looking for a reason. If you looking for a reason,your mind will have a thousand reasons for you and believe me,out of that a thousand,only one will be positive," maybe he's lying dead somewhere "

You keep messing up everything you love with this over obsessive behavior and thoughts. Being stuck in your head is the worst kind of feeling. So just take a moment and breath and relax. He ain't cheating on you just because he didn't pick up your call.

I always say your partner had a life way before he even met you and just because you are in it,doesn't mean you start being all up in their business. Just give people time to make room for you in their lives,otherwise if you force your way into their lives,they will leave. No one wants to be controlled.

Stop seeking validation where it's not needed. If he texts back on time,does it have a significant amount of validation that you need,maybe yes ,maybe not but if he doesn't text you on time. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It simply just means he is distracted or he is busy.

Instead of over obsessing about this and keeping it in for days, Especially for the women ,who love keeping things in until they explode, just talk to your partner. Tell them you would appreciate if they texted back or at least just text to say you are fine and say goodnight,you know? A little validation that you are alive and thinking about him or her, but you have had a long day and you would like to rest well for tomorrow.

But the point is if you text your partner and he doesn't reply ON TIME,let that not be the measure of how much he or she loves you

And if he or she is not working to meet you half way then I guess you've got your answer right there . He or she ain't the best match for you. Leave. Leave. Leave. Run. Run. Run.

Once a Cheater,...........................(PART ONE)

2021-06-30T05:51:00.003-07:00

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

Infidelity will always come with consequences but don't let it make you a victim. Learn from it. Rise from it and be wise from it.

Writing is all about expressing ourselves and sharing our stories. My team and I decided to share our stories because we have embraced our truth and it's part of us now, a chapter in our lives that taught us more than deprived us

a) Have you been cheated on?

Yeah I have been cheated on. And it's the worst feeling........

b)How did they cheat on you?

He cheated on me with some of the girls I knew and his ex as well . Too many blows at once....

c) What makes you so angry about this affair?

It's the fact that I was denied the truth. Just when you think you can trust someone, they end up hurting you .

d) How did you find out?

I went through his phone and found some texts and so i asked and he denied it.

One time I went to his room and he was with his ex and he didn't open the door. I waited outside for like 4 hours so i just went back to my room and i cried the whole night only for him to come up with some story that he was sick and his ex was only taking care of him and he didn't open because she was scared of me.

e )Do you think he would have ever told you if you didn't find out?

I honestly don't think he would. I mean, it had been going on for a while so i don't think so.....

f ) Why didn't you just leave?

After spending years with someone I just figured that he would know his priorities ...

g) Do you blame yourself for his infidelity?

I did . I figured wasn't giving him enough. For a while there i lost confidence in myself and my ability to be able to love and be loved in return.....i still feel that way sometimes.

h )Do you think that there's anything you could have done differently so that he wouldn't have cheated?

Am going to say maybe yes and maybe no because he obviously blamed our relationship for being rocky at the time.

I) Why did you keep giving him more chances?

I mean, I loved the guy. What we had was very rare. We understood each other. He was like the male version of me and I couldn't imagine a future without him.

j) Did the affair change you or the relationship?

It definitely did. I had doubts for myself like i will never be good enough, am not pretty enough. I couldn't trust him and Our relationship was never the same, always trying to get past it but it never worked.

k) Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?

No I don't believe that. I mean someone has to trust that there's someone out there who doesn't fit in this category...

l) I mean why don't you believe it after everything you have been put through?

I mean in most cases yeah but I believe that there are so many people who have been unfaithful and have learned from their mistakes .

We can't always use this universal truth of "Once a cheater always a cheater," as an excuse to reduce a person to this one affair .

Infidelity is hard. It always hurts just as bad even if it's the thirtieth time and there is nothing simple about infidelity. Cheating is a poor choice but it still shows something , so go with your gut when it comes to the one you love.

Thanks again to everyone who shared with us their experiences.

Adios .

Could I Be Happier?

2021-06-17T03:42:00.004-07:00

Could I be happier?

We ask ourselves this question every single time whether we know it or not: before we commit ourselves to a relationship, when we are in a relationship, before we get out of a relationship, before we say yes to a job, is she the one or is he the one?

Today happiness has become a mandate. It has become more about how satisfied am I with my life here on earth and if not, then what can I do to achieve that? Doesn't matter who I step on.

Happiness is the reason why most people leave their relationships,to find happiness! To find if there's something more out there that can ensure this standard of happiness that they have set for themselves. It is the reason why most marriages end up in divorce, just to answer the question could I be happier if I left this person am with? or even better yet, could I be happier with someone else?

We all want what's best for ourselves. We are all chasing this concept known as happiness but who really knows the perfect definition of this word.

We have set such high standards for ourselves that we never really know happiness until it is the very definition of the same standards we have. And it's funny because the further we go into this era, the more lost we are from what truly is the definition if happiness.

Happiness is where you are, happiness is what you make of it .You create a foundation where you can be happy, you get to define what happiness means to you every single day: it can be that smile on your partners face ,it can be a lifetime gesture of kids with your partner, and if you not happy in that relationship and you just cant figure how to make it work then walk away.

Somethings are just not meant to work,no matter how hard you try. You can give everything to that relationship but if your efforts are not met half way then it will never work.

I believe in fighting for what we love or who we love but then there's a point where you reach and feel that it's not working and that's enough reason to go.

If you are not happy with that job look for something you love and if you not happy with the decision you made yesterday then make a better one tomorrow.

C'est la vie .

Is It Harder To Find Love Today?

2021-05-10T02:39:00.005-07:00

Is It Hard To Find Love Today?

I mean finding love today is just as easy as loosing love and its funny because we find love but is it really true love?

What even is the definition of true love?

But how did we get here? How exactly did we reach to this point where it's not just hard to find true love or just love that is honest but its also next to the word impossible?

Back in the days we could easily find love and our grand parents are proof of this. Some have been married for 50 years and yet if you ask them ,they will say that they lived a happy and fulfilled marriage. No complains. Yet to us it seems love would have been impossible to find back in the days with the little technology and information they had.

Why is it hard to find true love in this modern age?

1. Today, the chances of finding true love is hard because we have so many options to choose from. I mean the more options the better, right? You can just jump from one partner to another anytime you want. But giving man kind option is the thing that led to sin in the first place!

It looks like the more forbidden a fruit is,the more sweet it seems to be.

This has brought about unnecessary dating which has denied us the opportunity of meeting someone and getting to know them without thinking of the girl next door.

Today we just dating because it's peer pressure or because he has a cute face or she has a nice butt. It's not about the personality no more.

2. We looking for too much in one person. We want it all FROM one person and we want it all WITH this one person. We want them to be our best friends , our partners in crime, our lover and expect them to be everything we ever wanted and more.

We forget that no one is perfect. Not one person can give us all these things and that's why we have friends, we have a community around us, we have best friends so that this one person does not get to be all these things for us.

It can be overwhelming most of the times and you end up getting hurt.

3. Self awareness.

Most of us really don't know what we want. Again if you have chocolate and vanilla ,you will still want to taste both of them so that you can decide which one you really want.

But if we figure out exactly what we want and learn to settle for it each time, then the better.

Be aware of what exactly you want in a partner.

4. This perfect image we show in social media has given out this notion of perfection, not showing who we really are. And this has made it even harder for us to learn to trust , because someone shows you this perfect image but once you get to know them,they are the complete opposite of what their social media platforms showed you.

Don't rely on social media. They can destroy relationships and your expectations .

5. Most of us are after the wrong things. Instead of looking for love,we looking for adventure and sex and satisfaction and the type of romance only found in movies

"If you cant satisfy me in bed then i cant be with you."says the psychotherapist and author Esther Perel.

She also adds "if I want to have sex then you better be in the mood for it as well and if you can't then I'll look for it elsewhere"

Sex has become a way to help us determine if we are with the right partner, because if am going to be with you for the rest of my life then I want to be getting the best,I want to be satisfied and if you cant, then I'll look for it elsewhere and that's when cheating and unfaithfulness comes about.

6. Fear of commitment.

I mean the thought of being official is just too much for some of us, ain't it?

Why would i want to tie myself down to you when tomorrow i might meet a more handsome rich young fella than you or a more beautiful lady,?

Putting so much thought into it and in the end it just ends up messing with you and what you have at the moment.

Is it hard to find true love today?

Yes it is and it's not going to get any easier as we progress into a world where polyamorous is a concept that people are embracing today, while divorce is a concept everyone is getting too comfortable with.

And this makes me wonder, what exactly is the future of love for all of us?

Lying at the beginning of a relationship

2021-04-17T05:38:00.006-07:00

The thing about lying is that ,Whether you lied that you liked his haircut or you lied that you would never watch Game of thrones without her and yet you did watch it with your boys, its still lying and We all know you cant change the definition of a word just because you did it for someone else's good or piece of mind!!! Right?

Most of us find ourselves in situations where we have had to tell a little white lie about somethings at the beginning of the relationship: maybe you lied about loving the way he kisses you so as not to hurt his feelings or maybe it was her fashion choices that you didn't like or his drinking habits that you couldn't stand and now you are at this point in the relationship where you just cant take it anymore and boom! you throw this bombshell and now they are feeling totally betrayed and yet all you thought you were doing was accommodating their behavior so that they don't feel bad or get upset with you.

So is accommodating lying?

In my opinion it is lying. I know it's easy not to say anything at the beginning but also waiting to say them when the stakes are too high for everybody is just as bad, if not worse. Being honest is very important in a relationship.

I mean dating was started to allow individuals to get to know each other before taking any further steps and see if they are compatible or not and so when you lie, you take away this choice from your partner to decide if they will change or not or if you two are just not compatible.

And now you have built this connection with someone for 3 years and then you lay it all out and say they have to change because you don't like this and that about them.

And the question becomes but why didn't you say it at the beginning of the relationship?

"Why did you lie to me?"

"All these years I thought you loved it when I did this...",

" So has it all been a lie?"

"Why didn't you say it earlier?"

And so then it becomes another story ,which you totally didn't intend to happen as you had hoped accommodating your partners behavior is for his or her own good.

Most people lie because they worry about the risk and consequences of being honest.

"What if he thinks am being an idiot for saying that? Or what if he gets mad at me for saying that? I mean it's just been two weeks, why would I start demanding this and that ?".

But at the same time the more you keep it in, the more you will have a lot more to explode about. And the more that relationship will take a turn for the worst.And the more things you will have to loose.

Be in your partners shoes and imagine how you would feel if you thought they liked your way of dressing but in real sense they don't and then it dawns on you "Oh my God, I get it now. That's why he didn't like us going out in public together!!"

So can we stop lying at the beginning of relationships or just anywhere? Maybe yes, maybe not but at the same time remember it takes a lot of effort to formulate lies and still find other lies to cover this same lie, so honesty is the best policy.

Communication In Relationships

2021-04-04T00:25:00.008-07:00

Communication In Relationships

Today communication in relationships has become so much complex.

We have all heard that communication is the key to a happy relationship. Just as oxygen is key to life.

Communication goes both ways ,from the way you approach and express yourself to your partner when you have an issue and how your partner is going to listen and react to what you have to say.

It's true that you can't expect your partner to read your mind and know he or she upset you. Which am sure most of us do!!!!!

We sit on an issue and walk around for days putting this stone cold face expecting him or her to understand what's going on. When you would have just come to your partner and said,

" You know what babe, I didn't like the way you talked to me the other day. I was offended/ I felt hurt....... ..."

Because he/she might have done something to upset you but isn't even aware that his words or his actions hurt you. You might be in a relationship but that doesn't mean he knows everything that's going on in your head. Your partner might even feel like he have his best,did everything right to the tea.

How to communicate effectively with your partner;

1. Listen to understand not to defend. As human beings we always flee or fight once we feeling attacked either physically or emotionally but the goal here should be to understand and if you don't understand , don't attack.

2.Acknowledge their perception to show them that what they have to say is just as important. Acknowledging doesn't mean that you are agreeing that they are right. It just means that you hear what they are saying.

3. Disagree but don't dismiss. Try to keep an open mind. Don't just dismiss your partner just because you feel he or she is going on about the issue the wrong way. Let them express themselves then now try and give your point of view.

4. Be open. All it takes is one lie to make it all crumble . So be open and honest as possible.

5. And if it's so hard to keep quite when your partner is talking to you and he or she is upset,there's this method you can use where you cover your mouth with a cloth and wait until your partner is done speaking then take turns folding the cloth. So you listen effectively.

And as for the one who has been offended or feels hurt:

1. Be calm when you approach your partner. You don't want to say something or throw accusations you might regret later. Express exactly what you feeling in a calm voice and tone.

2. Tell him or her what you feeling behind the anger: Are u feeling rejected? alone?, insecure?, threatened? Because behind all that anger,it's just a broken heart which hopes to be mended or a jealous heart which just hopes that you will tell it everything will be okay.

Behind that anger, there's a person who wants to feel loved, appreciated and wanted.

3. Explain why you feeling this way. I know you will feel like why exactly do i have to explain myself when they are the ones who hurt you? But explaining yourself shows them exactly where you think they went wrong and how they can correct themselves.

4. Tell them what it is that you want to be done? Again, why on earth will I go out of my way to make this better when they are the ones who hurt me?

The answer is simple. Your attitude towards this issue is going to determine if this is going to be an argument or a conversation .

Mine is circumstance and yours is character

2021-03-30T23:10:00.008-07:00

If I am in a bad mood, its because I'm having a bad day but if you are in a bad mood, its because you are an irritable human being, says the New York Times best selling author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel.

We tend to do this most of the times in our relationships and the worst part is that we don't even realize it.

This is a statement that has cost us more than we know. We care about our perspectives so much that we don't care what the other person is feeling. it has become so much of a habit for all us, we don't see the mistake in it:

If I lie it's because I did it for your own good, if you lie it's because you are a liar, a cheater and a manipulator.
If I don't pick up your call, its because I am busy ,but if you don't pick up when I call its because you're with someone else ,you are a cheater and you are certainly not a loving boyfriend or girlfriend.
If I cheat, it's because you didn't make me feel wanted or loved enough and definitely it was a mistake but if you cheat it's because you are a liar, and a cheater .
If I don't make time for a date, its because I am busy, if you don't its because other things are more important to you than our relationship.

Mine is character and yours is circumstance. This is what we tend to believe ,that OUR actions are explainable, that there is a reasonable explanation behind it, but YOU, your actions are not reasonable, that it is because you are flawed as a person and this explains your character .

I mean its just nature that we as human beings will always want to put the blame on others yet we don't see the speck in our own eyes.

To build better relations ,we should be able to know and understand this . We can be more nicer and softer and gentler and understanding when it comes to our partners.

The buzz factor

2021-03-22T00:48:00.001-07:00

"Today, people leave relationships not because they are that unhappy but because they could be happier............."

True or false?

Lets get your comments on the comment section below ????

I don't believe in love

2021-03-19T07:46:00.005-07:00

"I DONT BELIEVE IN LOVE"

I mean lets face it, how many people have found themselves in a position where they have said this simple yet powerful sentence? I know that I have like a J.B song, playing on repeat, more than once and its mostly after I was hurt .

Been in a relationship then after being left, dumped or cheated on, you feel like you will never believe in love because it betrayed you , its chaotic, or you have seen your friends get hurt all in the name of this thing called love.

But do we really NOT believe in love?

Because Something that brings people closer universally cant be that bad, right?

Today I want you to learn that perception is everything Believe in love. Tell yourself that you believe in love.

Its obvious that you have been hurt before, lied to and manipulated BY SOMEONE for you to have reached this point of view.

There's a difference between believing in love and believing in the person whom you are with. There's a difference between believing in love and believing in a person.

And that's why we end up falling in love over and over again even after our previous relationship ended so badly, because it is not love that let you down ,it was him, it was her, the person who hurt you.

People are the ones who let us down, not love. If we define love as the people whom we fall in love with or whom we choose to be our partners then we will forever feel that love is flawed .
People are the ones who lie to us, cheat on us, beat us up, hurt us again and again. Not love!!!!!

Love is a feeling, its an adventure, its a beautiful journey.