Today's podcast focuses on what can go wrong when giving feedback and how to avoid this from happening. When the principles of giving feedback have not been learnt or mastered, conversations can become difficult. This especially can occur if negative feedback is heard as a criticism.

To avoid having a poor experience of either giving or receiving feedback, the important thing is to prepare thoroughly for the meeting. Time spent in preparation is time well spent.

Today's Key Points:

• Remember the purpose for giving feedback. The aim is to facilitate learning by reinforcing good behaviour, and identifying where and how to improve on less optimal performance.
• Master the technique of giving feedback well. Remind yourself of this from Podcast 31.
• Focus on their behaviour and NOT the person. Do not criticise the person to whom you are talking. Help them to work out what it is about their behaviour that needs to change. 
• Prepare thoroughly for the feedback session. Thorough preparation will help you to stay calm, focussed and in control of the session, however anxious or difficult the meeting may become.
• Think through how the conversation will flow. What are your opening words?  How you get started can make all the difference to the feedback session.
• Anticipate how your feedback might be received. Try and predict the responses to the points you raise, and plan how you would then respond to these various responses.
• Rehearse your session. The more you rehearse, the easier will be the "real thing". 
• Critically, rehearse OUT LOUD.  Listen to yourself - your tone of voice, inflection in your words, pauses, etc. How you say something is as important as the actual words themselves. By listening to yourself, you can pick up whether the stresses are in the right place, for example.

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This is the first in a series of podcasts on the subject of giving and receiving feedback, something that we often do as we go about our daily lives. Feedback can be a comment to a friend about their new hairstyle; a remark to your son or daughter on their appearance as they prepare to go out with their friends; a discussion with a junior colleague on completion of some delegated work: in any number of ways, we provide feedback to people about them, their work or performance and their behaviour.

Generally speaking, it is easier to give positive feedback than negative. If a friend asks you whether you think they look good in the new clothes they are wearing, I'm sure that you have no problem in complimenting them on their outfit, if they do look great in it. However, telling them that you think it looks hideous and, therefore, it does nothing attractive for them, is a different proposition altogether. Many people would prefer to lie; others would prefer to fudge the issue; yet others may pretend that they didn't hear the question, choosing not to lie and not to offend. It is a brave person that is truthful. Or is it?

I was listening to Andrea Levy on Desert Island Discs last weekend and was struck by something she said on this subject. She invites her husband to comment on chapters of her latest book, as she writes them, and she was asked if he is critical in his feedback. She said that criticism wouldn't be given directly (as this would cause divorce!!) but that he "always finds a way" to tell her the truth. And this is the crux of the matter.

If we are clear about WHY we are giving feedback, and that it is motivated by helping to bring about a positive outcome, why would we not be honest in our feedback? It is not in the recipient's best interest for us to be less than honest to them. For Andrea Levy, it could be the difference between producing a best seller and a book that doesn't leave the shelves of the bookstores. For the friend whose outfit does little for them  - well, would you want to be seen in something knowing that people are laughing at your choice of clothes?

However, it is right to be considerate and not to offend with tactless remarks. Better to think through what we really want to say and the purpose for our message, before jumping straight in. Learning some principles around giving feedback, and mastering the skills, will help you to be honest and thoughtful in your delivery. 

Today's Key Points:

1. Be clear about the purpose of the feedback. What is it that you are trying to achieve by having this conversation?

2. Focus on the behaviour of the person receiving feedback. Do not criticise them personally.

3. Be specific and avoid generalisation.

4. Speak for yourself, using "I".

5. Find out if there are any reasons for the behaviour. Acknowledge the other person's view.

6. State the emotional impact and the effect of the behaviour.

7. Explain clearly how you would want the behaviour to change. 

8. Confirm the benefits of the change. Identify any sanctions if they do not change.

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It is one thing to get motivated to do something. It's another thing to keep up the motivation, particularly if you reach a plateau, suffer a setback, are getting fed-up with the time it's taking, or any other one of the numerous factors that can try and de-rail our plans and stop us from reaching our goals.

It is often said that the hardest step to take when embarking on a new challenge is the first one. Taking the plunge and getting started happens only after you have a compelling reason to take that first step. It might have taken some considerable time to finally become motivated enough to do something and take action. There may have been a number of attempts on the way, and successes that have been reversed over time. Giving up smoking is one of those examples that comes to mind. Losing weight and keeping the weight off is another. I have personal experience of both!

When I finally gave up smoking, 28 years ago, it was after a number of attempts to quit. Each time I succeeded for short periods of time, and then would start again with renewed fervour!  Eventually I found the trigger - I had to stop kidding myself. I would tell myself that I was a 10/day, non-addicted smoker, who could give up if I really wanted to. Once I accepted that this was simply nonsense, that I really smoked  20/day most days, and of course I was addicted to nicotine, I had found my motivation to let go of the habit. I had no intention of being controlled by an addiction. Furthermore, I don't like telling lies to anyone including myself. 

I well remember the Friday morning in July 1983 when I accepted the truth. I was going to a dinner party that evening and knew that I was going to be the only smoker present. I checked my packet of cigarettes - there were 16 in it. I thought I had better stock up - I always smoked more in the company of friends. However, I then had a reality check. I was to be the only smoker, therefore I should smoke LESS that evening. Also, I was "supposed" to be a 10/day smoker - so I told myself. So, why wasn't 16 going to be enough for the day? And,  I was not addicted - I could give up at ANY time.  And, that was the challenge. I decided that, when the packet ran out I would give up. Tomorrow I would be a non-smoker. I had found my final motivation - I did not like being controlled by a habit, I did not like fooling myself and I'd call my bluff. 

I worked out a strategy to help me maintain my motivation. In the past, when I had tried to give up and had succeeded for a few days, I would panic when I thought that I couldn't smoke anymore. After a short while, this would play so heavily on my mind that I would just have the "odd one" - cadged from a friend. Soon, I would have to buy a packet in order to return the ones I had taken from others. I did not think well of people who only smoked "occasionally"  - all OP's of course (Other People's in case you are wondering) - and I was not going to be one of them. With this experience, I was able to learn from it and use it to my advantage.  

Part of my strategy, therefore, was to allow myself the option of buying more cigarettes in the future and smoking them. At any time should I wish to smoke, I would buy a packet of cigarettes immediately and not let the craving play on my mind. I would not tell myself that I had given up for life and could never smoke another cigarette. This was important because our brains seem to be hard-wired to dwell on the things we tell it not to think about. "I don't want to think about cigarettes" translates into obsessive thinking about what we are missing.  Rather, I would say to myself that I had chosen not to smoke that day but that I could change my mind if I wanted to. However, there was to be a penalty for doing so. 

I decided to save the money that I would normally spend on cigarettes. The plan was that, each Monday morning, I would put £8 in my desk drawer and I would continue to do this for a year. This was the amount of money I thought was a realistic estimate of the weekly cost of my habit. I would spend this money on quality items that I would not normally be able to afford. This was my reward strategy.   If I wanted to buy a packet of cigarettes, I had to take the money from this drawer and literally watch myself burn money. It would be a powerful message.

The third part of my strategy was to call myself a non-smoker. If anyone was to offer me a cigarette I would simply say "no thank you, I don't smoke". I was not going to draw attention to the fact that I had "given up", not even to my friends who knew that I used to smoke. There was a good reason for this. At an unconscious level, people mirror the langauge and behaviours of the people in their company whom they like.  If they are smokers, they may try and persuade you to have a cigarette with them if there is any chance that they will succeed. The congruity will make them feel more comfortable. However, if you are a non-smoker, people do not usually try and persuade you to start smoking!    

I broke into my first £8 after 3 days of placing it in the drawer. I almost goaded myself into it, curiously, but was nonetheless disappointed in my decision. It was in the evening, after dark, and I had to drive to several places before I found my favourite brand and purchased a packet. I went back to my flat and decided to smoke outside on the stairs - I liked the fresh smell indoors and didn't want to contaminate it with smoke. I lit up and had my first cigarette in five days and it was disgusting. I knew from experience that this was going to be the case, and that I had a choice - persevere and go back to smoking, or put it out. I remembered my reasons for giving up and chose the latter, stubbed the cigarette out and went back indoors. 

About 20 minutes later I found myself back on the steps for a second cigarette. I did the same again - lit up and stubbed it out after about 3 puffs. A third cigarette was the final repeat of this performance. I took the remaining 17 cigarettes out of the packet, broke them all into half and deposited them in my bin. I reflected on the fact that I had literally burnt my money. It was a powerful image and I did not earn enough money to be burning it. Since that evening I have never bought another packet of cigarettes, smoked a cigarette, or missed smoking. I saved my money for 8 weeks and spent my £63 (minus £1 for the one packet I had shredded over 7 weeks previously) and spent it on a gore-tex jacket and walking gaiters which were a huge luxury for me. They cost me £80, which meant that I had to go at least another 2 weeks without smoking, because I had an IOU for £17 in the drawer. One thing I would not do was to cheat on that IOU.       

I had got used to going to the drawer regularly, counting my money, planning on what to spend it and congratulating myself for going another day without smoking. In the two weeks that I had no money to count,  I finally got to the stage when I stopped thinking about smoking and I put no more money in the drawer because I forgot to. I was truly a non-smoker and it was a non-issue. It was some considerable time before I remembered that I hadn't saved my money weekly throughout that first year!

Changing our behaviour is difficult, especially when it involves breaking an unhealthy habit. Most people these days are aware of the long-term consequences of their actions. For example, there is enough information around for people to know that smoking is strongly linked to lung cancer. However, that is apparently not reason enough to deter some young people from starting to smoke. Despite knowing logically that nicotine is addictive and that smoking has nothing healthy to commend it, people continue to smoke.  

Each one of us has a personal reason for behaving in a certain way. If we decide to change our behaviour, we must create our own reasons for doing so. We respond to the feelings we experience rather than simply to analytical, logical thoughts. Knowing about consequences is not nearly as powerful as feeling them. If we decide to set a challenging goal that is going to require motivation to achieve and maintain, there are a number of things that can be done to maximise our success.         

Today's Key Points:

• Be clear about WHY you want to change your behaviour.  Each person must have their own compelling reason to act differently.
• This compelling reason is the prime motivation to change.
• Build a strategy to help you remain motivated from the outset. 
• Ensure that rewards are built in to reinforce the success of behaviour change.
• Be prepared for setbacks and don't let them stop you from keeping on track. 
• Motivation to change behaviour is the result of a "feeling" rather than a "thought". Think how you will feel if you give up on your goal and how great you'll feel when you achieve it and maintain it. 
• Engage support of friends and family to keep you on track.
• If you feel tempted to give up, get in touch with your prime motivation to change.
• If you go off track for any reason, get back on it as soon as possible. Get in touch with your prime motivator and your positive feelings.     

And finally, if you are setting out on something that is going to require a lot of personal motivation,

 Good Luck! 

On Sunday last (17 April 2011) I completed the Duston Triathlon. It was a beautiful day and I thoroughly enjoyed the event. It was the first time that I had taken part in this particular event and I particularly enjoyed it because my elder son and a friend of his both joined me and completed the course. My son had competed in a previous off-road triathlon and this was his first sprint event. It was his friend's first ever triathlon. They both did extremely well, especially for novices - your first event is as much about learning the ropes as it is surviving the three disciplines. It is easy to lose your place in the Transition area when you are unused to them - and this has implications for your overall time.

 I was pleased with my performance as my preparation has been hindered by injuries. A right arm tendon problem, caused by swimming long distance crawl, has meant that I have only put in one short distance swim this year. The doctor who saw me when I had lost all movement in the arm told me that I shouldn't train for triathlons, but just turn up and swim on the day. I knew that he didn't compete in such events! However, I have kept out of the swimming pool and train in the gym.

I received similar advice from the surgeon who performed arthroscopies on my knees. He was very unimpressed with the fact that I run and advised me to stop immediately!  Like the shoulder man, he told me to stop training for triathlons and just turn up on the day - if I insisted on doing them. I have done some running over the last few weeks, but for the most part have kept my training to cycling and gym work. I have also resumed playing squash in the last couple of weeks, something I haven't done for several years.  So, I felt unprepared for the disciplines but reasonably fit overall. 

Triathlons are addictive, I find. Last year I decided to give them up, based on the advice of the doctors - these latest injuries were triggered by the off-road triathlon I did in August 2009. However, after 18 months of inactivity on this front, I was in rebellious mood and booked to do the Duston Tri and one in Crystal Palace in May. I am delighted to say that I had my best ever cycle time last Sunday, and both swim and run went reasonably well. Furthermore, I was back in the saddle and on the squash court today - no after effects from Sunday's exertions.

Triathlons are frequented by extremely friendly and supportive people. The slower competitors start first and the elite go last. This means that I am usually overtaken by a few people on the cycle phase, and many more on the run!  Sunday was no exception. I had to walk/run after the first mile due to my left knee complaining and every person that overtook me offered words of encouragement, despite being in a desparate hurry themselves. I have always found this to be the case and it makes such a difference if one is struggling around the course, or just finding it much tougher than anticipated. Somehow, the pain in my knee just paled every time someone passed me and told me how well I was doing, or how the end was in sight and to keep going to the finish line, which would be a fantastic feeling, and I would break into a jog for another few meters.

Well, the lady that told me the finish would be fantastic, was absolutely right. It was a fantastic feeling! Thank you to all the Duston triathletes last Sunday who offered those precious words of encouragement, and well done to absolutely everyone who competed. 

Today's interview features Alison Jesson, a British psychotherapist. Alison discusses the issue of guilt and offers some insight as to why people might experience the feeling of guilt in their relationships and how to address it.

Today's Key Points:

• Guilt is a common feeling and may be masking a different feeling, such as anger. It may, therefore, be necessary to acknowledge what the underlying feeling actually is.
• If you always put another person's needs in front of your own, you may well end up resenting that person. Remember Alison's analogy of the oxygen mask in a plane.
• If you are feeling guilty about your behaviour, ask yourself what is the unwritten rule that you have broken? Is this a rule that you learnt in childhood? Is it relevant today? Do you want to re-write the rules?
• Having identified the unwritten rule that you've broken, ask yourself how serious is this alleged "crime"? How serious will it seem in the future? Also were there any mitigating circumstances - were you totally responsible for the "crime"?
• Make reparation, if you think it is necessary.  For examples: offer an apology if it seems appropriate; pay a penalty - give a donation to charity; pay a penance - clear some litter from the street.
• Learn from the experience and forgive yourself. We all make mistakes - keep things in perspective.

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Today's guest is Chris Cardell, an internationally respected marketing expert. He is particularly interested in communication and how we think. Whilst the focus of Chris' interview was communicating for business, the key points that come from his insights are relevant to all inter-personal relationship building.

Today's Key Points:

• Be willing to take the first step. It can be scary to start up a conversation with a stranger or with someone that you don't know very well. So, prepare yourself, take the plunge and give people an experience of you.
• Give freely of yourself in a relationship and don't expect something in return. If you receive something, treat it as a bonus and not an automatic "right" or quid pro quo.
• Relationships need courting. You need to keep working on them, so keep developing your relationships.
• Keep in regular contact; look after your friendships. As we get busier lives and take on more commitments it is all too easy to lose touch with our friends and relatives. Keeping the relationship alive by periodically making the effort - a quick email will suffice - helps the re-connection when time allows.
• Aim to make a positive difference in the lives of the people with whom you interact. Make it your purpose to add value to their life.

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Today's interview is with Judith Morgan, Business Coach and entrepreneur. Amongst her many business ventures, The Cleaning Biz offers people an opportunity to run a turnkey business following a successful blueprint formulated by Judith and her business partner.

The success of this operation, in part, comes down to the business owner brokering the relationship between the household employer and the cleaner. At the heart of this arrangement is managing communication - something relevant to everyone, whether in business or in our social lives.

Today's Key Points:

• Say what you mean and be clear about your needs. Never assume that another person will know what you want or understand your individual requirements - be explicit.
• Don't have unrealistic expectations of the other person and don't be too demanding. Their circumstances may be quite different to yours so do be aware of this.
• Don't pretend, and don't "put up" with things. You cannot fix things unless they are out in the open. So, be honest in your communications and sort things out if they need sorting.
• Conversations can be difficult for all sorts of reasons. What may be easy for you to say might be difficult for someone else, and vice-versa. If you are in a situation and need to have a difficult conversation with someone, it may be that someone else could help you manage the conversation. Don't be worried about asking for help.
• It's OK not to get on with someone. Maybe the chemistry isn't right. It may be something that you can't put your finger on and that's OK, too. You're not expected to like everyone in this world. And, being honest, some people are just not nice.

               If you are about to go on holiday, I do hope that you have a great time.

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Today's Key Points:

• Show that you care. Actions speak louder than words - so do something thoughtful and don't take the other person for granted.
• Be available when the other person needs you. It doesn't have to be in person - a listening ear is extremely valuable.
• Keep in regular contact and watch out for each other. Trust your instinct and take action on it.
• Laugh together - often!  Laughter is extremely therapeutic, by the way.
• Put yourself out for the other person, if necessary.

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Kylie Johnson is the multi media liaison officer for the Commonwealth Scientific Industrial Research Organisation in Canberra, Australia. (CSIRO for short!)  Among other things, Kylie talks about how companies can raise their profile and enhance their reputation by using multi media. You don't have to be a large corporate organisation to benefit from blogging and podcasting.

Today's Key Points:

• Ensure that when you are communicating, your stories are legitimate. Authenticity is crucial to your reputation. This is equally important in our social and business communications.
• By using multi media you can be in control of what gets published. You are not dependent on traditional media routes to get your message out to an audience.
• By reaching out to more people, you increase your chances of engaging with more people. If you are in business this can translate into new customers. Socially it may mean new friends.
• Just do it!  Communicate.  If you are thinking of podcasting, get on with it - get started.

Remember, if you are being taken outside your comfort zone, you are in a growth zone. So, think positively and get communicating.

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Today's Key Points:

• Relationships are built on trust and loyalty. It is essential to develop that trust if you are going to have a meaningful, lifelong relationship with someone.
• You can build trust and loyalty by demonstrating that you can give, and are committed to giving, what the other person is looking for. This applies in both business and social settings.
• Give freely of yourself in a way that is relevant and valuable. Whether this is information that you provide, or giving your time and a listening ear, be sure that it is specific to the people with whom you are connecting.
• Be clear about who you want to connect with, and reach out to them.
• When you are communicating with someone, be specific about the purpose of your communication. Avoid those "crossed wires"!

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