Free Relationship Help and Training Resource - RelationshipVision - Empowering the ...

What is RelationshipVision?

Daniel Linder — Fri, 05 May 2017 00:00:00 +800

�

RelationshipVision� is an online relationship training resource intended to serve as a source of invaluable information about creating emotionally nourishing relationships.

Whether single or in a relationship, in recovery from addiction or simply in pursuit of better relationships, a helping professional or student, RelationshipVision is the number one place to go for guidance and psycho-education regarding basic principles and skills building.

Answers to frequently asked questions, i.e. What is sexual attraction? What is intimacy? How does intimacy happen? Do basic principles apply? What are the necessary skills? Relevant articles, interactional advice and access to free introductory eTraining will be posted.

We also list numerous books and services including psychotherapy, coaching and consulting; workshops and continuing education courses that are available for purchase. To navigate the site, please our home page: http://relationshipvision.com or ask your question: http://relationshipvision.com/ask-question

Thank you for your visit,

Daniel

�

How does the "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery" Apply to ...

Daniel Linder — Thu, 31 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +800

�

I just wanted to some marital advice on whether you think it is wise to try to repair damage done by 3 years of relapses in early sobriety (first 60 days)? While I was in treatment my husband served me with divorce papers and a restraining order against unsupervised access with our child so we both have issues.

I have never been involved with a partner that is more emotionally shut off and inaccessible. I am left begging for change and communication only to face grim options when an attempt to express feelings and initiate dialogue around the topic is made. Inevitably, I face rage at me for being angry, thus deflecting attention and invalidating my attempt or yet another shut door or exit or closed eyes while talking, etc. or leaving the house without notice of whether he will return at all and no apology or explanation of thought process. I have never seen a heartfelt recognition or desire to work to change emotional behaviors.

Should counseling begin after longer period in sobriety so there is a basis of trust or can we learn new behaviors in communication from the beginning? We actually do love each other and we have a 16 mo. old. However, I do not know if we have ever experienced an emotionally nourishing relationship with true intimacy in our 4 yrs. together. Also, neither one of us has a basis of emotional health in previous relationships.

�

Response from Daniel?

�

(At what stage of recovery are you right now? How much time was spent with your husband and family sober?)

You are speaking to what may be the number one challenge couples in early recovery face: Exercising healthy self-care and self-interest in a relationship when you don't know how, never did before, and have no role models. After sustained stabilization, the next stage of early recovery is intensive self-care, however long it takes to develop the relationship with oneself. The challenge heats up when you're just realizing a relationship you're in isn't working when you're just learning what having a relationship with yourself means and just learning how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships. The latter part of this period of intensive self-care involves getting through what we may aptly refer to as the 'co-dependent crash' -- when the illusion you've been hanging onto for dear life shatters. After intensive self-care is a stage of relationship training.

We're talking about a process of re-prioritization -- putting yourself first -- breaking out of the deeply ingrained pattern of considering others before oneself and relying on others who provide little or no emotional support rather tapping the infinite resource we call your self. Intensive self-care readies you for the next stage of recovery where the focus in on your relationships because you'll being entering into any relationship situation able to define and represent yourself. What distinguishes healthy from unhealthy relationships is whether both people are operating from within themselves, not depending on each another to provide what's been missing.

How do you balance between your recovery and the relationship?

If both of you love each other and want to rebuild the relationship, ongoing individual therapy for both of you, probably for several months, then accompanied by on-going couples therapy, preferably with an addiction/relationship specialist is recommended.

Recently Separated after 15 Years and 2 Children...

Daniel Linder — Tue, 24 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +800

My partner and I have recently separated after 15 years and 2 children. I asked him to go finally because he is angry and dissatisfied generally and lies to me about what he is doing with regard to other women and other things that he doesn't want me to know about. He had become close to another woman who he had strong feelings for 2 years ago (although no sex). He is now close to another one who he pours his heart out to. We tried for nearly 2 years to repair our relationship but when I asked him to give up close friendships with other women (he is prone to 'collect' women) he did but became resentful. He insists there is no difference to friendships with the same and opposite sex. He has also been pushing our 13 year old daughter around on and off for a few years when she angers him and has started doing the same to me. I still love him and know that he has to address his anger which is destroying him. He blames me for the fact that he no longer l lives with his children. How can I repair this? I am always giving him more chances but nothing changes. Until recently we were still occasionally having sex and he could be very loving. Even when we had our final conversation last week, he said he couldn't believe he was letting me go but it is over. He has never been able to sustain another relationship for more than 2 years. I would dearly love to repair our relationship but don't know what to do now.

Response from Daniel?

From what you described, it would be in your best interests to shift your attention from him and the relationship to yourself, to learning how to take better care of yourself in this relationship, relationships in general and preserve the safety of your children. The relationship is in a state of disrepair, and it is unlikely that rebuilding is going to happen anytime soon. The status is 'separated' for good reason. If he could somehow be in relationships with other women platonically, who provide emotional support, that can be a good thing for him. I doubt his ability to get more intimate without sabotaging those relationships as well, unless these women are co-dependent. His anger and instability render him unready to enter into or be actively involved in a sexually intimate relationship at this time. Pushing you and your daughter around and then blaming you for his inability to manage his anger more effectively should remove him from consideration of any possible relationship. He nor you are taking responsibility for the number one priority, that being to feel physically safe. Until safety can be established, there is no way you will be able to resolve conflict and address issues that have plagued the relationship. Giving him more chances only speaks to what sounds like deeply ingrained co-dependent behavior that only further perpetuates the longstanding dysfunctional dynamics. Before the relationship can be repaired, the two individuals who make the relationship must repair themselves.

The Facebook "Friends" Phenomenon.

Daniel Linder — Wed, 18 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +800

�

I'm seeing a relatively recent phenomenon that is posing risk to the mental and emotional well-being of millions of people world-wide, but seems to be particularly rampant in America. Let's call it a 'Facebook' phenomenon. What's happening is there is an increased confusion and inability to distinguish between "Facebook friends" from legitimate friends. Consider the number of people for whom friendship is lacking in their lives and who are seeking to fill this gaping hole with "Facebook friends." The addiction potential is there.�

Sometimes people use Facebook to address relationship issues rather than contacting the other person directly. The question this raises is, "Is this person's Facebook communication to his or her friend a legitimate means to resolve or maintain a relationship when it may otherwise be in jeopardy." �When you're announcing to all of your "Facebook friends" whatever may be happening in your life, are you talking to your friends or an illusion of friends (just�who�are your friends?); and when sharing personal details of your life, the questions of quality of relationship or level of intimacy can be raised as well. Can a full Facebook life fill the void of a life void of real friendship and intimacy? If one of your "Facebook friends" were to exclude you from an event in which other "Facebook friends" were invited, how much pain of rejection is there compared to the pain of feeling excluded from an event in which all your other friends were invited and you weren't?

From a clinical perspective, there's no doubt that having more conversations about who are really your friends and just what constitutes 'friend' would help to clarify the difference between the two.�

Daniel Linder MA MFT
Addiction, Recovery, Relationships Specialist
Intervention Services, Consulting & Training
(415) 456-0802
http://relationshipvision.com

�

How do you regain friendship only after you slept with someone that you would rather keep as a ...

Daniel Linder — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +800

How do you regain friendship only after you slept with someone that you would rather keep as a friend? You do not really jive sexually - message given by him...

Response from Daniel...

The lure of sex blinds a vast amount of people to the distinction between sex and intimacy or friendship. "Don't make more of sex than it is" may be common sense wisdom we've heard before, but it's actually vital knowledge, a key to our sanity. Yet, one of the greatest ironies of our time is that we're conditioned to make more (or less) of sex than it is. There is also the tendency to lose sight of it being nearly impossible to remain unaffected after sex, when unconscious unmet emotional needs get triggered and our imagination is running wild. So many people fall into the trap of defining the relationship according to awkward moments of a premature sexual encounter, when their eyes were closed and they were unconscious or confused. Understand going in, expecting there to be emotional and psychological consequences after sex.

Fear not. You could turn this in lessons learned. You fell into this trap, but you could climb back to the present while keeping your top priority and ultimate purpose in mind. If friendship and intimacy is what you want, another basic principle takes precedence and becomes the basis for your next action step: Relationships are a joint-effort creations that begins with openness and honesty. Responsibility to communicate about what kind of relationship you want to have (if any at all) is implied. You could initiate a conversation with this guy.

As far as, "You do not really jive sexually - message given by him..." this brings you to
Principles four and five: "Don't take it personally!" If you don't jive (sexually) with your partner, or your partner doesn't with you doesn't reflect on either one of you personally. You may both decide that you want to continue the relationship and not have sex. You don't have to have sex!

After sex honesty often begins with the realization that you feel more involved than you want to be and that despite having sex the night before, you haven't a clue as to what kind of relationship you want to have, how intimate you could get or whether you even want to get together again. You may not have ever thought of it before, let alone open up the discussion.

This may be a test of your 'pre-sex' friendship. Sex doesn't have be the end of a friendship especially when friendship is what you're ultimtely after. This could be a seamless transition, a relatively easy one, to keep the relationship going and not have sex.

What are signs of gambling addiction?

Daniel Linder — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +800

What are signs of gambling addiction?

Some questions to consider...

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Have you felt remorse after gambling?
After losing, did you feel you must return as soon as possible to win back your losses?
After a win, did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Did gambling ever jeopardize the welfare of your family?
Did you ever gambled longer than you had planned?
Does gambling cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
Have you ever sold anything to finance your gambling?

How to resolve the problem

In order to stabilize, and stop "carrying on your secret love affair," it's usually necessary to reach out for help, support, attend GA meetings and work individually with an addiction specialist.

Demographics of those with gambling problems

Hundreds of billions of dollars are lost by people all over the world across all races, genders, socio-economic stratas. The is no specific compulsive gambling profile.

Different types of compulsive gambling: sports gambling with a bookie or online; cards, i.e. poker, black jack; dice, i.e. craps; horses; stock market.

How to prevent or stop it

If you answer 'yes' to two or more of the above questions, it's likely you are a compulsive gambler. One of the implications of being a compulsive gambler is that you have lost control and that you will never be able to gamble again without putting yourself and family at risk of destructive consequences.

Stopping - going "cold turkey" or preventing it (sustained abstinence) can only be achieved if and when you seek help by attending GA meetings or seeking outpatient treatment with an addiction specialist.

Why is gambling addicting to so many people?

The Relationship Model of Addiction...(from my book To Relieve the Pain, Demystifying Addiction)

Compulsive gambling can be likened to "carrying on a secret love affair" -- there is a rush, a high, excitement and escape and relief. Addiction, whether to substances or activities is a relationship with a source or means of relief of pent-up pain from unmet emotional needs sourced in your family of origin as well current relationships...the underlying driving force is the need to relieve the pain. Consider emotional pain to be commensurate with physical pain.

Why do they feel they have to continue after a big win or loss?

When compulsive gamblers lose, the are known to "chase" (continue to bet and increase the amount of their bets) in order to recoup the losses or get even. Chasing losses leads losing mare than h/she can afford to lose and borrowing money in an effort to get even.

Winning is the rush that is sought after, which doesn't end at the point of winning. Winning usually accompanies a temporary shift in self-feeling as the high brings about a sense of power and ability, which serves to compensate for an underlying sense of inadequacy. The need to relieve pain can and often is an insatiable need. Addiction is a vicious cycle as the amount of pain tends to increase over time as will the compulsion to gamble -- after winning there is a crash which is (temporally) relieved by continued gambling, which will inevitably be followed by another crash and an even stronger need for escape.

Daniel Linder MFT, MU 17435

Waiting a Year before Getting Involved with Someone once Sober.

Daniel Linder — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

�

Hi Daniel,

-I googled- and landed on your article about Sober Relationships.� My name is xxxxx, xx yrs old.� I feel like you were right-on with many of your points, for example, "the sleeping giant" and "over-involvement" within a casual relationship.� I have quit drinking several times, I'm now at 67 days no booze and I feel lonely.� But like you mentioned, I have so much "baggage" from past relationships, I'm not sure how to Not unload on the guy I try to date.�� I will try to wait a year, but what happens then?� I feel like even if I wait, there is soo much held up emotion, that any date or casual relationship will be catastrophic.� I think you may be able to give me some advise, or recommend some reading for me.�Thank you,

Hello,

Thanks for your inquiry.

"I will try to wait a year, but what happens then?"

Don't underestimate waiting a year before getting involved in a sexually intimate relationship or dating or searching for such. Actually it's not waiting, but moreover committing to an extended period of intensive self-work, that is, developing your relationship with yourself. It's unlike that you'll be able to focus and prioritize if distracted by an emotionally tantalizing relationship. Consider your top priorities right now as extending your sobriety and establishing "connection stations" once a day every day. Those connection stations may be 12-step meetings, working the Steps with a sponsor, journaling, individual and group therapy, mindfulness practice, either working (being employed), working towards a career direction, or going to school.

Daniel

�

Can I get addicted and not even try, but just taking the meds my doctor told me to take?

Daniel Linder — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +800

Interesting choice of� words in your question...'Just taking the meds my doctor told me to" is a passive approach to your self-care. I'm assuming the meds you are referring to are on the order of pain meds and were prescribed in an effort to relieve pain. If your intent in seeing your doctor in the first place had nothing to do with wanting to get high or seeking relief from emotional pain, you would not be considered to be at risk of becoming addicted. Presumably you would stop taking them when the conditions causing the pain is remedied or when the pain subsides to tolerable levels. On the other hand, If you find yourself continuing to take them because you prefer the way they make you feel, you would likely be at risk for becoming addicted. If you find yourself taking increasing amounts of anasthetic meds (usually opiates), you're likely on your way to becoming addicted. If there is a history of addiction, the risk increases as well. The people who are at risk of becoming addicted are those with the pre-disposing condition of a relatively high amount of pent-up pain (from unmet emotional needs), and are therefore (desperately) seeking relief. Additionally, whenever there is a dependence (emotional and often physical) that develops, there is denial, which makes it impossible for the person who has become addicted to know he or she is addicted. People generally don't become addicted randomly, when "they are not trying" to do so.

All in all though, your question serves as a reminder to educate yourself as best you can when ever it comes to your health and well-being.

Recovering Addict in Rehab. What should I do?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +800

I'm in a relationship with a recovering addict... We started dating a little too soon after he got out of rehab (say 2 months) --obviously he relapsed... I being the only one who didn't know.... Now he is in a new program doing excellent. He's been away for 2 months (he went to a program out of the country)... Should I leave him?

Response from Daniel...

The problem in your relationship goes back to its beginning. You may have heard, or at least suspected that, "No intimate relationships during the first hear of sobriety," may have some validity and can certainly apply here. The overwhelming majority of relationships whose origins go back to an early stage of recovery (during the first year of sobriety) are doomed.

It may help to understand that addiction is as much an emotional problem as a substance or (activity) dependence; that you are powerless over your pain and emotions (from unmet emotional needs) just as you are unable to control your addiction. The first year of recovery not only involves being sober/abstinent and learning how to live a sober life, but also identifying, expressing and handling your emotions. We can assume that in a sexually intimate relationship, emotions will be running high. Let's also assume anyone in an early stage of recovery, is in emotional withdrawal, with a big hole needing to get filled, and is learning how to deal with his or her emotions without resort to desperate measures, i.e. alcohol for relief. In short, a sexually intimate relationship puts those in early recovery at increased risk of relapse, as those in recovery has not developed enough of a relationship with him or herself to get through an emotional crisis in tact.

Right now, the recommendation is to not "leave" him, but rather put the relationship on hold. In the interim, get clearer about your priorities by putting recovery, meaning time and space from sexually intimate relationships at the top of the list, and put off getting sexually involved with this guy for at least a year. Giving yourselves some time and space to grow as individuals will maximize your chances of creating a healthy, emotionally nourishing, intimate and, yes sexual relationship, one that weather the invertible storms that test relationships.

She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me.

Daniel Linder — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 01:00:00 +800

I have been married for 3 years. My wife proposed to me and I have offered her a great life. She asked me for a child and I agreed. Our child is 2.5. She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me. I am very good at meeting women and I am attractive and successful. The man she chose lived with his mother and had no job. This simple fact has broken my self esteem. I love her and she says she loves me. we are together since the man just used her and she said she missed her family. So she came back. Why do I feel like I can?t let her GO! Or have enough respect for my self to send her on her way. I love her so much I know that. Is this truly repairable? Or am I letting her ruin my life also? Is there medication to make me be able to be happy being alone?

Response from Daniel?.

There are a number of comments to make in response to your entry...

"I have been married for 3 years. My wife proposed to me and I have offered her a great life. She asked me for a child and I agreed."

There is something missing here, some kind of disconnect. What's most apparent is compliance without communication. It sounds like you both went through the engagement/proposal process and decision-making regarding having a child like robots, like she asked you to go to the store and get a quart of milk for her and you said, "Sure." I'm left wondering how much you talked about any of it, if, at all.

"She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me. I am very good at meeting women and I am attractive and successful. The man she chose lived with his mother and had no job."

Again, there is "more than meets the eye." It sounds like your criteria for measuring the quality of your relationship is based solely on credentials, rather than on rapport, understanding or communication. You seem to have a preconceived notion that being attractive and successful translates to an healthy, intimate relationship and that living with your mother and having no job automatically spells disaster. Although you were devastated upon discovering the affair, this relationship may have been doomed from the beginning, and that you may have been in denial about some of the things that were not working and it took an affair to open your eyes.

"Why do I feel like I can't let her GO! Or have enough respect for my self to send her on her way. I love her so much I know that. Is this truly repairable? Or am I letting her ruin my life also?

Is it love that is driving your behavior? Most people presume that love is enough, but actually the ability to achieve understanding may be an overriding factor determining the quality and longevity of a relationship. Many people will say that the need to be understood is stronger than the need to be loved or to love. In your case, it is likely that unconscious dependency needs are driving your behavior, and that you're hanging on to some kind of illusion about who she is. Realizing that she isn't the person thought she was, wished her to be or thought she should be will, no doubt, be a rude awakening. In order to fix the relationship, you must first fix yourself. If you haven't learned how to take care of yourself in relationships, you will no doubt be more susceptible to "letting here ruin your life."

"Is there medication to make me be able to be happy being alone?"

There is no medication that will make you happy being alone. Medication will only serve to cut you off from your feelings and numb your anxieties related to being alone. Only a period of intensive self work and a spiritual program can do that. Individual therapy can help you develop the most important relationship -- with yourself. When you have yourself, you are never alone.

Why do people change when they get married? And is there any hope for them to have a mature ...

Daniel Linder — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 01:00:00 +800

I was with someone for two years and then married two years. Everything was great when we were together and we lived together, but as soon as we were married and then had a child...my husband began to act like a sullen, disrespectful child. He stopped working, began using substances and was a verbally abuse and withdrawn person. Why do people change when they get married? And is there any hope for them to have a mature relationship?

Response from Daniel...

Why do people change when they get married? And is there any hope for them to have a mature relationship?

The answers to those questions are specific only to you and your husband, and could certainly be further explored in the confines of a couples therapy setting. Much can be revealed when you have the opportunity to actually discuss these issues with each other. Just imagine a conversation starting with, "My perception (or experience) is that everything was great when we were together and we lived together, but as soon as we were married and had a child, everything changed. Your behavior towards me changed...You stopped working, began using substances and were often verbally abusive to me." Communication does wonders for a relationship. Couples therapy will afford you the opportunity start talking about these issues and to achieve a deeper understanding and, no doubt it is possible that your relationship, sense of closeness, intimacy and 'maturity" can be vastly improved.

I Think I am a Love Addict. Obsessing about my Relationship.

Daniel Linder — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 01:00:00 +800

I have been married for 3 years.

I believe I am a Love addict. I have become pathologically obsessed with my wife's sexual history (which is substantially higher in numbers than mine.)

We met while still in other relationships almost 8 years ago. Even though she cheated on her common law husband, She destroyed trust in us by maintaining a secret relationship with him after they had "broken up."

This went on for a long time before I discovered it.

Later to get revenge, I had an affair for 4 months with somebody which my now wife discovered about 6 months after it had ended.

So our foundation is not great and currently we are struggling.

My question is this - I can't sleep, I am obsessing about our relationship 24 hours a day and driving my wife nuts.

In the early years of our relationship the sex was unbelievable for me (and her too) we had a child 2 years ago.

Over the past 4 years sex has been in decline and now is once a month at best.

She thinks that's ok - I don't and lose my mind when we don't have it more frequently.

I think I am a love addict and she is a love avoidant.

What can I do to try to end my turmoil ?

Response from Daniel...

"Obsessing about the relationship" can become a masturbatory and isolating endeavor that keeps you in your own world and perpetuates the status-quo. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are in the throes of a love addiction. It sounds like the two of you have stopped, or never started, communicating about the unresolved issues, i.e. trust, unmet emotional needs, plaguing the relationship. There is a lack of sexual, as well emotional intimacy. If the two of you are so motivated, couples therapy would give you an opportunity to explore and discuss the issues and begin working through them, perhaps make a new start. More important than what has happened in the past is where the two you want to go from here. If the desire and commitment to work on the relationship, it will be possible to re-build trust and achieve deeper levels of intimacy than the relationship has seen up to this point.

Are You Having an Affair? Do you Want to Have an Affair?

Daniel Linder — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 01:00:00 +800

Confused and depressed. I live with my boyfriend of 7 years now. We have no sexual relations. If any, he gets his and leaves me hanging. Not affectionate. Hardly ever hugs or kisses me. It?s just his ways. I am a very affectionate person. 3 yrs ago I turned to another man whom is living with a woman. I didn't know they had been together for 20 years until I was so wrapped up in his I couldn't turn loose. He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. He says he loves me but he?s older and I'm 10 years younger than he. He cannot leave her. I'm not a home wrecker. I have never been involved with anyone who had someone else. I love him and he says he loves me. He calls me everyday sometimes more than once. He was the only one to get me anything for Christmas. He bought me a diamond ring. I was very surprised. I think he cares very deeply for me as I do him. But lately he's been off work because of sickness. He still tries to see me once a week but only maybe an hour. It?s tearing me apart. I'm addicted to him. He keeps me going. He helps me deal with everyday problems that stress me out. He's my best friend. I have tried to break it off 2 or 3 times and make it work at home. But my boyfriend just pushes me away; affection and sex and end right back up with my lover. I wish I could be with him. I know this is not right. It eats me alive. I can never be with him the way I want to. But it?s so lonely with him when I don't get to see him. I'm ill and cranky I can hardly stand it. I think I miss him more than he misses me. His relationship at home is not like mine. They get along. But about once a month they take off for the week-end to her sisters or to gamble. That's when it?s really hard when I cannot be with him. I believe he cares for me. I know he does. But it?s a hopeless situation. This has really been rough on me during the holidays. He's with her and I'm at home with a man who doesn't want me. I don't know what to do. My life is a mess...

I have a good job right now. I should be happy. but I'm not. Don?t just tell to move on. I've tried. I've never lived by myself. I've been married 2 times and now live with a guy. My kids are 19 and 23. How to do learn to live for self now and not everyone else? That?s all I know is to do for everyone else. I want to learn to make myself happy without depending on a man to do this for me. There are no girlfriends I hang out with. I go to work and come home acting like a old married lady. When I see him I go shopping or take off work when no one knows. I know it?s a dangerous life. I just want someone to love me and respect me. That?s another reason I can't let my lover to go. He loves me unconditionally. He always tells me I'm a wonderful, pretty; smart, have a good job and any man would be lucky to have me. I am a very giving person. Sometimes I think too giving. I need to find peace and happiness. Sorry this is so long. It?s that I just want you to understand. I know you can?t possibly understand because you don't know really all about my life. I thought about going for some counseling. My job has a program to support 3 sessions. But I figured only 3 wouldn't help me. My issues started a long time ago. Please help.

Response from Daniel?.

Are you saying that you've never been in therapy?! Certainly the recommendation here is that you begin a course of intensive self-work. Carrying on a secret love affair can often become an addiction that invariably leads to destructive consequences. Both of the relationships you're trying to maintain right now are at risk of ending badly. After a period of intensive self-work, the next step would be to pursue couples therapy so that your relationship is given a chance to "air out." Once the two of you begin to address the issues keeping the relationship stagnant, there is always the possibility you can re-build the relationship.

A little bit about having affairs...

It's when you're emotionally frustrated in your relationship, i.e. hungry, resentful, estranged, the fantasy of having an affair is the most tantalizing, and you're at the greatest risk of acting on any opportunity that presents itself.

See article at RelationshipVision.com website:

Acting Responsibly in the Face of Desire: http://relationshipvision.com (click articles: Acting Responsibly in the Face of Desire).

Some excerpts:

"Imagine for a moment what it would be like to have an affair. It's the ultimate fantasy ? a sexual interlude in which you're not encumbered by inhibition. One in which there's no emotional baggage whatsoever for either person: no conflicts, differences or negative feelings. She expects nothing from me and I expect nothing from her. There's nothing about her I dislike and she wants me unconditionally. She knows exactly what to say and do, without my telling her. She just knows. She is the safest woman on the planet for I can open up about anything and she'll comfort me with understanding. There's no one like her. It's the same thing every time: we can't wait to "make love," the "love-making" is more wild and passionate than any I've ever experienced; then we part with no guilt or obligation, only with appreciation and anticipation of our next encounter, whenever it will be. There's no such thing as stress when we're together, it doesn't exist. No stress."

"Could having an affair be this good? Perhaps. If it were this good the first time, would it continue to be so in subsequent encounters? It's doubtful, because the reality cannot match our fantasies. Reality and fantasy are two different realms of experience. Yet they are connected."

"Anything desired or imaginable can be acted upon. However, the moment a fantasy is acted on; it becomes a real experience and is no longer a fantasy. The nature of the relationship changes from platonic to sexual, from friendly acquaintance to secret love, with no way to undo that shift."

Furthermore, whether it's a "one-time" occurrence, sporadic or regular, you would either have to lie in order to maintain the affair, or else confess it to your boyfriend. Concealment creates a wedge between the two of you that would probably increase as long as the affair in maintained. Undoubtedly, confession would precipitate a monumental upset in our marriage.

He Wants to Marry me, but I do NOT Like this Feeling...

Daniel Linder — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 01:00:00 +800

He wants to marry me. He wanted to marry me pretty much from the first date. We've been together 3 months and he's devastated that I'm not on the same page with him and I feel extremely pressured. Now what? I do NOT like this feeling.

Response from Daniel....

The 'red flag' is "wanting to marry you from the first date." This kind of communication doesn't bode well for the duration and quality of the developing relationship, as well it doesn't bode well for you if you took him seriously. "Future tripping" might feel exciting, has a romantic aura, however when you skip forward the relationship may not, and often does not ever catch up with it. A far more reliable criteria to base the decision to continue seeing someone or not, or assessing whether or not a relationship has legs and whether it will be an intimate, emotionally nourishing one is the quality of rapport that was established from the beginning and continued since its inception. Rapport has to do with being fully present in the moment with, a free flow conversation without trying to make an impression or be romantic per se or "future tripping", listening and responding to each other without anticipating what is going to happen next; characterized by interest, honesty and understanding.

He not being on the same page with you after (only) 3 months attests to your health and reality based thinking. Recommended is going to couples therapy together so that he could see the need to slow down so that the relationship can develop organically and needs to learn how to do that. This may make him realize that he needs to do some intensive self-work so he no longer sabotages relationships by blowing through them so quickly.

What should I do if I think a friend or relative has a drug problem?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 01:00:00 +800

What should I do if I think a friend or relative has a drug problem?

Response from Daniel....

Think about your relationships, what they mean to you, what you want them to be. Thinks about the comfort zone of communication that generally exists between you and those you care about. Oftentimes a drug problem, or any other addiction of mental health issue, is the "pink elephant" in the room. There is avoidance and shame associated with it. The challenge is to bring the relationship to a deeper level of understanding, truth and intimacy by operating outside of the comfort zone and broach the unspeakables. Being concerned, you may ask questions or, more directly, express your concerns that the behaviors you're observing are problematic, and are of concern and that seeking help may be necessary. Being able to have conversation is the key, as the next action steps to be taken will likely become evident to you.

How long will it take to overcome a porn addiciton?

Daniel Linder — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 01:00:00 +800

How long will it take to overcome a porn addiction?

Response from Daniel...

The steps to overcoming porn addiction are as follows:

1 One must first recognize there is a problem. As is the case with any addiction, there is a loss of control, that is an inability of stop despite resultant problems. The addiction or dependency is a relationship with a means of relief, i.e. porn that is overpowering and all consuming, that one's life revolves around this relationship at the expense of all other relationships. Isolation sets in as relationships with real people become increasingly more difficult, in not, impossible. The porn addict becomes accustomed to relating to only sexually and emotionally charged images when masturbating. This relationship is carried secretly. Denial and delusion make it impossible to accurately assess whether a problem exist as well as the severity of the problem. Usually getting busted causes some kind of crisis, in personal or professional relationships or legal consequences are precipitating events that lead to a realization that there is a problem and a need to seek professional help.

2 The next step is achieving sustained stabilization, that is, abstinence, cutting off that relationship, stopping the "secret love affair." In order to achieve a period of sustained stabilization, the recovering porn addict must be rigorously participating in a program that provides support and therapy, which includes daily or several times/wkly meetings or sessions. Transitioning to a life that doesn't include porn will be challenging as there will be constant cravings and triggers must learn how to deal with.

3 After a period of sustained stabilization is achieved, a period of intensive self-work is necessary. Most addictions are driven by pain related to longstanding unconscious, unmet emotional needs, and the need to relieve this pain. During this period of self-work, one learns to rely on oneself as a resource, become more self-aware, develop healthy self-care practices, make healthier decisions; in short, build the relationship with oneself.

4 After having established a relationship with oneself, the next step is to go through a period of relationship training -- developing the understanding and skills that make creating healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships possible.

Going Through a Breakup with Someone I Love.

Daniel Linder — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 01:00:00 +800

I am currently going through a break up with a woman whom I love dearly. I know in my heart that she is it for me but due to the current situation and the obvious situation of having to move on now, I want to know if there is anything I can do to win her back. She is completely shut off from and I'm being forced to move out of our home. Yet again I love her dearly and just want some hope some way to regain what I've lost with her. I know it will never be the same and that?s fine. I would just like a chance for things to be better.

Response from Daniel?

"I know it will never be the same and that's fine."

Consider the possibility that your relationship could be better, better than it ever was. However it sounds like it has reached a crossroad, separation is imminent. Usually when there is an impasse like you've described, the relationship as it was is over. During some time apart, you both will hopefully have the opportunity to regroup and you to pursue a period of stablization and intensive self-work, which includes living alone and becoming more independent.

After some time developing more of a relationship with yourself, you may come to the realization that the relationship no longer works for you. You may also realize that she is the one you want to continue having in your life as a primary relationship, at which time, she may be feeling the same way (or not). If she feels that that is what she wants as well, it will behoove you both to seek couples counseling to clarify your future together, create a new beginning, and build a solid foundation by discussing goals, challenges and communication.

Finding Myself Alone from a Life Formerly Filled with Addicts...

Daniel Linder — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +800

I am a recovering addict working on recovery from my base addiction - food.
Somehow, I am finding myself alone a lot and feeling this lack of intimacy in my life that was formerly filled with addicts. I want to form new healthy relationships. Where do I begin? It?s been like this for along long time, and I feel that I did not learn to engage myself in wholesome activities from childhood.

Response from Daniel?..

You sound like you're about to make some changes in your life. Your self-awareness is the key. Intensive self-work and increasing self-awareness have brought you face to face with the void you learned to fill by your addiction. Yes, you're challenged by having never learned how to engage yourself in wholesome activities during childhood, or be with yourself, rely on yourself, nourish yourself, defer to yourself or call upon the friend you have inside of yourself; not insurmountable challenges. Restoring yourself, awakening, bringing yourself to life is possible given that the power within is infinite potential unlimited.

At this stage of recovery, you're generally not ready to get involved in a (sexually) intimate relationship. When you haven't yet discovered the refuge yourself, you're running the risk of seeking refuge in a source outside of yourself, your dependency needs will likely sabotage your efforts. The aloneness you're describing is a stage that is progress, which has made you realize there is a void and you're longing for intimacy. There is no doubt you're heading into a relationship at some point soon, the question is whether you'll be prepared for the rigors of an intimate relationship.

Chances are you will attract someone at the relatively the same place of emotional development, that is, if you're running that risk, the person you'll attract will also be running the same risk. If you've done the necessary self-work, one that looks inward when there is doubt or frustration, you'll attract someone in kind; thus increasing the
likelihood the relationship will be a healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing and lasting one.

Based on the principle that relationships continue from where they begin, pursuing pre-marital or early stage relationship counseling when your next relationship does materialize could be the best investment you could possibly make. Based on the idea that the quality of your recovery depends on the quality of your relationships, makes gaining the understanding and skills necessary to create intimate relationship a top priority. Right now patience and trust in yourself is all you need to keep you on a path of recovery.

I've been dating my friend. I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back.

Daniel Linder — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +800

I've been dating my friend. I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back.

I've been dating my friend. I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back. I have been dating my friend for about eight months now. I am totally confused about our relationship. He is a recovering alcoholic and never has expressed that he loves me. He said to me that I am one of the closest persons and his best friend. He spends a lot of time with me and had introduced me to a lot of his family as his friend. But he sees this other woman occasionally. He only said that they had a lot of history and that he put her through a lot. I am really hurt by this situation because I care about him and would like to have an exclusive relationship but when I discuss it with him he states that he is not supposed to be in a serious relationship for the first year of sobriety (he's been sober nine months). What I am supposed to do with my feelings and how do I figure if I am wasting my time and energy? I tried to break up with him but he keeps coming back.

Response from Daniel?.

"I've been dating my friend."
"I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back."

"Dating a friend" is an immediate red flag as it spells conflict of interest. Friends are vital in order to have a healthy quality of life and recovery, but when friends become sexual, there is added stress and complication that often destabilize a relationship, leading to its demise. When the term "friend" is used to define a sexual relationship, either or both people are likely to be rationalizing their motivation, minimizing their involvement, deriving a false sense of safety and control over their emotions, and are avoiding reality and responsibility.

You also indicated that while both of you are aware that getting sexually involved in early recovery is a risky proposition, you've proceeded nonetheless. He's seeing two people!

How do you explain trying to break up, but being unable to do so? The unconscious force of unmet emotional needs is what keeps so many people in unhealthy relationships and sabotages their efforts to get out. Your (unconscious) desperate need for love causes you to look in the wrong places to get it. It's practically impossible to make healthy decisions when you're unaware of what is driving your behavior, unaware that your thoughts and perceptions are distorted. You're unable to accurately or objectively assess the character of another person or whether you're well-suited.

It's a long shot this relationship is going to work out as neither one of you have done the necessary self-work that makes it possible to create a healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing and lasting relationship. Doing the necessary self-work implies becoming more aware of your unconscious, the unmet emotional needs driving your behavior, developing the relationship with yourself and ability to take care of yourself before getting sexually involved, especially when either or both people are in early recovery. If you have a bonafide friendship and want to preserve it, it will behoove the both of you to slow down, not be sexually involved and pursue individual therapy.

I Love Him, But He's Addicted...

Daniel Linder — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +800

My husband is a recovering alcoholic/pain meds, he has been sober from drinking for 4 yrs. We have been married for 2 yrs and have a two year old I son. During the time I was pregnant up to now he has involved himself with 5 women, watches porn and is a workaholic. I have been more dependent because of my son and his age and am scared but feel I can't continue on with this relationship any longer. I have no trust in him and he is very negative and angry towards me at times. He mentioned a few weeks ago that he wants to go to counseling. I have found a few for myself and for us. I am going to Alanon when I can. I'm trying to figure out why I have found myself in this situation and how to help myself. Being a mother has been all consuming and has given little time for myself. My husband says I don't give him any attention (and that is why he has resorted to cheating and porn). I told him I am not responsible for his actions and that those are his choices. I love him but I don?t know what to do.

Response from Daniel?.

Yours sounds like a relationship plagued by your husband's addiction, i.e. his need to seek relief via means outside of himself (porn and sex) and your relationship. He hasn't achieved a period of sustained stabilization, which is the first stage of recovery, nor does he have an adequate program laid out for himself or adequate sober support. For all intents and purposes, he does not appear ready or able to participate in a relationship with you and be a functional partner and father.

When you say that you still love him, I'm getting that that thought is driven by an underlying desperation and dependency you may not be fully aware of or am in denial about, as the reality is that he isn't providing for you emotionally or physically. He is behaving irresponsibly which erodes trust, yet you're still hanging on, and which doesn't appear to be in your best interests. The goal of your individual therapy should be for you to learn what it means to take care of yourself and rely on yourself to the extent you can refrain from hoping and waiting for him to change, which is not going to happen unless and until he seeks help for himself. In typical addict fashion, he is coming at you with the self-centered expectation and assumption that you're there to fulfill his needs while remaining oblivious to yours, as well oblivious to his irresponsible and destructive behavior, and you're buying into it.