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Why has "separation" become a term fraught with negative connotations?

Daniel Linder — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 00:00:00 +800

Separation is often considered to be a last resort, meaning the relationship is over. The problem is believing that what is supposed to happen in a relationship is “to be together all of the time.” There is no way to integrate or make sense of what is happening when they are at odds, conflicted, when negative feelings come up, when their differences are more pronounced than their similarities. As long as they are together, the relationship is strong. If they’re apart, it is precarious.

What happens when “I” becomes “we,” when “me and you” becomes “us?” The couple will be relying on each other, or “us,” rather than on themselves as individuals. Whatever sense of a separate self that either person might have had upon entering the relationship will eventually give way to “we” and “us.” It’s also possible that these people might not have had much of a self to begin with.

When these people find their way to couples therapy (as they inevitably will once relationship-threatening problems emerge), it often works best for them to do individual therapy first. The therapist works with them by first separating them, then putting them back together. The plan is for them to later return to couples therapy having begun the process of reclaiming themselves as individuals with separate identities, with feelings, wants and needs of their own; as “me and you.” A healthy couple is composed of two separate, distinct individuals.

When two people who have (in effect) become one are working in couples therapy, the process can become protracted and futile. The therapist must determine whether it’s best to work toward separation in couples therapy, or have both people pursuing individual therapy before returning to do work on their relationship. Individual therapy puts the focus back where it belongs – on the individual.

Sometimes separation is necessary; that is, two people have to actually separate from each other because they are too reactive and incendiary. Left to their own devices, they will only further exacerbate the situation. They may need time alone to seek out whether they want to be together or be apart. Sometimes the only hope two people have to preserve their history together, their caring and friendship, is to recognize that their relationship as it was no longer works, and that they need to separate.

couples therapy includes discussion and re-education about separation, presenting separation as a good thing, a healthy and necessary step in one’s spiritual evolution. Most couples’ problems/issues can be traced back to one or both people who realize that they stopped being themselves, feel invisible or no longer exist, and are no longer close. Often, volatility and escalation occurs because the two people don’t know how to be apart. Their existences are based on a belief that puts them into an inextricable bind. “If I express my true feelings, I will lose the relationship. In order to keep the relationship, I must misrepresent myself. I must sacrifice myself to accommodate the relationship (i.e., say or do what the other wants to hear).”

How do you distinguish between sexual and emotional intimacy?

Daniel Linder — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 00:00:00 +800

Oftentimes sex gets confused with intimacy. Confusion is evident when words like, "We were intimate," "We made love," are used to describe what was actually a sexual encounter.

A common misconception is that emotional intimacy naturally accompanies or will follow sex. Even great sex in no way guarantees emotional intimacy or a great relationship. The two are separate entities and there is no correlation between them. Physical nakedness/sex is not the same as emotional nakedness or vulnerability or intimacy.

One explanation for this confusion is that when we're physically naked it might appear as if we're intimate and vulnerable, while on an emotional level we're not. Emotional openness and sharing are considerably harder to achieve, which makes sex the preferred mode of interaction of choice simply because it's easier and pleasurable.

It's also possible that seeing ourselves as strictly physical or sexy beings may be too demoralizing a notion. Most people would prefer to see themselves as not being ruled by purely libidinous desire, since in our culture mature adults are not supposed to act that way.

As a result, at those times when we are primarily interested in sex - not necessarily intimacy - we can't admit to ourselves that it is sex we're after, let alone talk about it. This conflict gets resolved by making more of sex than it is and making more of the relationship, and end up painfully disillusioned when discovering that it was nothing more than sex.

Define an intimate relationship.

Daniel Linder — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 01:00:00 +800

The quality of our relationships is a reliable measure of the quality of our lives. Our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being depend on the emotional nourishment our relationships provide. Intimate is a term that aptly describes an emotionally nourishing relationship. It follows that if our relationships are intimate and ever-deepening, we’ll be balanced and growing, and the quality of our lives will be fulfilling and meaningful.

There is something we could call the language of intimacy. It seems that for some people, this language comes naturally, just happens, just flows, as if it were inherent in their beings, as if they were born with it. For others, it doesn’t exist, they never saw it and don’t what it looks like, which means that the language must be taught and learned.

The language of intimacy makes for an emotionally nourishing exchange between two people characterized by deep caring and understanding. It is how and what people communicate to each other, both verbally and nonverbally, and continues to deepen over time. Intimacy and intimate communication can be summed up as the ability to achieve a mutual understanding, being in tune with each other. Understanding is abundantly nourishing. When there is understanding, both people are receiving and providing nourishment and their relationship becomes a source of sustenance.

Intimate relationships have four basic ingredients: respect, trust, acceptance and knowing (each other), which can take place through both verbal and nonverbal communication.

Respect has to do with honoring each other with regard, validating each other as inherently worthy, treating each other as if the other person’s thoughts and feelings are important and matter. Eye contact, attentiveness, and how you listen to each other are nonverbal expressions of respect. Certainly there are verbal communications that convey acknowledgement and humble reverence.

Trust has to do with feeling safe enough to be open and honest with each other, feeling that you can count on your partner being there for you, knowing that you are always looking out for each other and that you can count on each other to act responsibly – that is, “do what you say.”

Acceptance has to do with unconditional acceptance: not holding each other to idealized standards, but rather embracing each other’s limitations, flaws, character defects, differences, quirks, moods. Acceptance is appreciating each other as a unique individual, not wanting the other to be someone else or thinking that he or she should be someone else. Acceptance means not being fixated on assumptions about each other.

Knowing each other means becoming acquainted with subtleties and nuances in the other. We can only do this through deep, personal sharing. Mutual understanding is one aspect of knowing; the ability to do so on an ongoing basis is another; and the insights and revelations that occur by virtue of time spent together another aspect still.

Some people may wonder whether sexual attraction and sexual chemistry should be included in the definition of an intimate relationship. The aforementioned definition is an attempt at prioritization and sequencing. Respect, trust, acceptance and knowing are the vitamins and minerals, the source of nourishment, the structure and foundation of an intimate relationship. Sexual attraction, chemistry, and satisfaction in a relationship are more analogous to heightened pleasures; they are enhancers – the “icing” as opposed to the “cake.” Certainly when it is happening on all levels, there is a certain synergy: making love as the ultimate expression of intimacy. But a relationship can be extremely intimate without any sex at all, while no relationship could be considered intimate without these four basic ingredients.

Perhaps the most important implication is that these four basic ingredients also apply to the relationship one has with oneself. How can one respect, trust, accept and know another person when one doesn’t feel that way about oneself – when one doesn’t have self-respect, trust of self, self-acceptance and self-knowledge? It can only happen when one is in touch with and able to identify what one is feeling, wanting or needing. The recognition that a line has been crossed (i.e., that one is disrespected, not safe to be open, honest and vulnerable; that one is being held to unrealistic expectations, or is not being accurately seen or heard) comes from an inner knowledge.

What is premarital counseling?

Daniel Linder — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

The best investment a young couple can make is in their relationship.

Premarital counseling goes beyond prevention by preparing a couple for the rigors of a relationship and shaping its future and quality. It is intervention at the absolutely best time, when two people have just made a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together.

It is far more challenging and unlikely for a couple who have been married for thirty years to learn how to communicate intimately when they hadn’t to begin with, unless of course, both people are ready to do what it takes.

“Relationship training” is a process of education and communication skills-building. Based on the premise that relationships continue from where they begin; that is, the patterns set at the beginning will continue throughout the course of the developing relationship. If a couple can learn how to communicate intimately with each other from the beginning, they will continue to do so throughout the course of their relationship.

Premarital counseling enables a (new) couple to identify and communicate about their fears, desires, beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and other issues and baggage that was previously avoided or denied, never discussed before. In the process, you learn about yourself and the relationship, see what it feels like to be real and honest with each other in a deep, personal way, so that you’ll be able to continue to do so in subsequent encounters.

Upon completing a regimen of pre-marital relationship training, you will have done what it takes to create the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted. You will have the understanding and ability to communicate intimately on a consistent basis; communication practice, communication that translates to respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding – the hallmark features of any intimate relationship.

Premarital counseling will also clear the way for continued emotional and spiritual fulfillment, and self growth.

Let’s consider two people, Becky and Patrick, both in their late 20s, and in love with each other. After a couple of years, they have decided to plan a future, live together, get married. A wedding date was set. More than anything, they wanted to get off to a good start.

It was apparent they were both highly stressed about how much they were fighting and how miserably they both were about their futile, hostile bouts with each other. They felt out of control and didn’t know why. They were wishing there was some way they could communicate better with each other. They came close to calling off the wedding.

In the process of exploring what was happening, it quickly became apparent that they got consumed in the wedding planning process – dates, costs, guest lists, and parents with their own ideas.

Premarital counseling afforded them the opportunity to learn how to set boundaries in a relationship. Perhaps their greatest source of stress related to the wedding had to do with being unable to set boundaries with their respective parents, and with being unable to keep their parents from undermining them, and from creating additional conflict and doubt that left Becky and Patrick paralyzed, and at odds with each other.

Their learning how to set boundaries with their parents extended to setting boundaries with each other; that is, clarifying which issues and challenges belong to whom so that they could say to each other when necessary, “That is for me to work out. You can’t help me.” Or, “This is for you to work out. I can’t help you with that.”

They gained some very profound insights about family of origin baggage they were both bringing to the relationship. Becky was able to see that she had made herself responsible for keeping Patrick happy. When Patrick wasn’t happy, Becky felt like she had failed, was not good enough, and assumed that this meant the relationship was doomed and she was the cause. She realized that most of the time when she was in conflict with Patrick about something, or when Patrick was upset about something that had nothing to do with her, she shrank just as she had in the face of her father’s relentless put-downs.

Patrick was able to make the connection between unusually high levels of anxiety and the sense of losing himself, his life and their relationship, as he had watched his parents do. He began to see that his sense of being overwhelmed and his dread about proceeding with the wedding had a lot to do with feeling buried by the onslaught of plans and commitments, and an inflated sense of responsibility for making it all work. Identifying this sinking feeling alleviated the weight, reduced his anxiety and stress.

Additionally, it was powerful for them to get how much they were reacting to other things which had little to do with what was happening in the moment, but rather to people from the past, not to each other.

Is it true, once an addict, always an addict?

Daniel Linder — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

It’s probably every addict’s dream to one day be able to use a substance or engage in an activity recreationally or in a controlled manner. The only problem is that it is impossible to do so. Forgetting that addiction is permanent can (and often does) occur at any time during sobriety. It is also common for the addict to forget that, regardless of how many years one has been sober, one-time use means relapse.

Forgetting, disbelief or doubt is denial rising to the occasion, in synch with the dependency. They work in tandem; one never exists without the other. The longer time the addict stays sober, the easier it is for him or her to forget that s/he will never be able to use without getting hooked all over again.

However, at any moment, the thought could pop into one’s mind: I could use on a once-in-a-while basis without any consequences. The addict will then go on to prove him/herself wrong, but not until s/he bottoms out.

The addict will always be susceptible to relapse. The effect or high is irreversible; that is, the substance or activity forever remains as an extraordinarily powerful need-gratifying agent guaranteed to provide extraordinary relief.

Should sexual attraction ever be the basis for pursuing a relationship?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction. When we are sexually attracted to someone, there is a synergistic interplay between our bodies, our emotions and our imaginations. The physical aspect (bodily arousal, sexual desire) is conscious and real, compelling enough by itself; unconscious and unmet emotional needs can get triggered and the level of excitement is further heightened. All the while, our imagination is operating, unconsciously, distorting our perceptions.

Although mutual sexual attraction may be the most common deciding factor for pursuing a relationship, it may also be highly unreliable as a predictor of a viable one. The problem is that whenever there is an attraction, physical and emotional excitement are heightened and objectivity is compromised. It’s similar to being in love, when one easily becomes blinded by idealization and excitement.

The healthiest case scenario is when other factors are already established independently from, or in addition to, strong attraction or the state of being in love. Keep in mind that emotional safety, rapport, and the ability to achieve understanding and resolve conflict are potential turn-ons in themselves. When two people who aren’t initially attracted to each other are relating on a deep, personal level, attraction and excitement are natural responses to being intimate. If they are attracted and have rapport, they can and often do become more attracted. The ability to create intimacy on the spot, and the quality of the rapport experienced are more reliable predictors of the viability of a relationship.

What is a "clean slate?"

Daniel Linder — Sun, 15 May 2011 00:00:00 +800

A "clean slate" is a precursor to building rapport. It means entering into an encounter in the spirit of discovery, in a state of mind characterized by openness and spontaneity. It also means being in the moment.

The first time two people are together, we can say in effect that a new play is about to open. The dialogue and drama are unfolding right then and there. There shouldn’t be any preference or investment in any specific outcome, but rather a steady openness to discovering how you feel being together. Unfortunately, too often, the stage has already been set, the dialogue scripted, and the relationship is doomed before it ever begins.

Preconceived notions about what is supposed to happen, and the kind of person and relationship you’re looking for, all contaminate the “clean slate.” Instead of responding to someone spontaneously, you’re measuring the person against pictures in your head and not assessing the level of rapport you’ve achieved or discovering how you feel being together. If the person you are with for the first time matches your pictures, the tendency is to assume greater relationship potential than is in fact present, making a disillusioning crash inevitable. A “sight unseen” selection process misses out on far more reliable information about relationship potential. More often than not, the person you end up developing a relationship with is not one who matches those pictures.

How well does the disease concept apply to addiction?

Daniel Linder — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +800

The disease concept had a humanizing effect and lessoned the impact of the stigma attached to alcoholism/addiction. This shift in perception ran counter to the prevailing ignorance at a time when alcoholism/addiction problems were associated with a lack of willpower and/or moral character.

However, while the medical model led to a more compassionate and enlightened approach, it left gaping holes in our knowledge base. The disease concept doesn’t adequately explain what an addiction is, how it works (in terms of emotional and psychological dynamics); nor does it adequately account for etiology (why people become addicted.) In terms of treatment implications, it makes for a short-sighted vision as to what treatment and recovery entail.

The relationship aspect and emotional dynamics of the disease were never included by the medical establishment as these issues are not befitting of the scientific method; viewed as subjective in nature and therefore untreatable.

Extending the relationship concept to the disease merely implies that a relationship is established, a pathological relationship – not with another person (although it could be with another person), but rather with an object, a source of relief; in other words, a substance or activity. It may not be a relationship with a person, but it is a real relationship nevertheless.

This relationship takes over the person’s functioning. It is a survival-based attachment, the primary relationship in the addict’s life, more powerful than any other. There is no emotional nourishment provided in this relationship, only relief: relief that is artificially induced and short-lived. It’s a relationship that is emotionally-driven, not physically – especially in the earlier stages, before a physical tolerance develops. It may be likened to falling in love – or, more accurately, to a secret love affair.

Understanding etiology (why people become addicted in the first place) is another area that is not adequately addressed by the traditional medical model. The medical model explains etiology in terms of genetics and chemical imbalances, when these are really only correlates, not causes. The countless number of addicts who don’t necessarily fall into those categories remains unaccounted for. Why do people get into pathological relationships? Why do people get into relationships with sources of relief rather than emotionally nourishing ones?

Addiction can be sourced back to the existence and preponderance of non-emotionally nourishing relationships, both past and present, and to the residue of pain they leave behind. We may describe the psychosocial context of addiction as widespread and pervasive emotional deprivation.

The greater the level of pent-up pain from unmet emotional needs, the greater the need to relieve that pain, and the more susceptible one is to a source of relief, to getting involved in yet another non-emotionally nourishing relationship.

From a relationship perspective, it becomes clear that the need to relieve the backlog of emotional pain from non-emotionally nourishing relationships is the driving force of addiction.

There are treatment and recovery implications when using this relationship model for understanding the emotional dynamics of addiction. Traditional recovery and treatment approaches target restoration of behavioral stability and baseline functioning as primary goals. These approaches also include the need for lifelong participation in a 12-step fellowship, which is integral to any recovery program. It is clear that the fellowship is a vital and indispensable source of sober support, a place to go for a sobering reminder about what it means to be an addict.

However, for many addicts, many questions remain unanswered. What’s next? What is beyond sobriety? Based on this relationship model of addiction, the ability to create emotionally nourishing relationships is key to a quality, sustained recovery. Getting beyond sobriety means gaining the experience and skills necessary for transforming the quality of one’s relationships.

How does one demystify sexual attraction?

Daniel Linder — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +800

There may not be a more mystifying phenomenon than sexual attraction. When we are attracted to someone, our perceptions, motivation, thoughts, feelings and behavior are profoundly affected. Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction.

There are three basic components of sexual attraction: what is experienced by our bodies (physical), what is experienced by our emotions (needs), and what is experienced by our imagination; they operate simultaneously and synergistically.

Our Bodies

From a purely physical standpoint, there is nothing mystical or magical about sexual attraction. Feeling attracted is accompanied by bodily arousal, desire, excitement, and pleasure, which are all part of our biological make-up.

Emotions

Similarly, we are born with a wide spectrum of emotional needs. Our need for emotional nourishment is as, if not more, powerful than physical and sexual needs. If our relationships have not and do not provide the requisite emotional nourishment, the need to relieve the resulting frustration will play out in our relationships. Unmet emotional needs get projected onto others, making other people the satisfier of those needs.

There is an unconscious process of objectification that renders us unable to consider other criteria for selecting a partner and for staying in the relationship. We get drawn to others who, for as long as they can, either satisfy unmet emotional needs or serve in some way to relieve our pain. But since unmet emotional needs operate unconsciously, we attribute our interest or desire to other qualities – along the lines of character and compatibility – thus completely deluding ourselves. Problems will naturally arise when unmet emotional needs take hold. This happens when one or the other’s needs change, or when one (for any reason) stops satisfying the other’s needs – at which time there is no longer any basis for the relationship.

Imagination

Our imagination is as basic to the human condition as are our physical and emotional needs. Imagination is a healthy and integral part of life; we rely on our imaginations to reduce stress and relieve frustration stemming from unmet physical and emotional needs. However, we aren’t always aware of when our imagination is operating. When we’re unaware, fantasy and reality can become indistinguishable and interchangeable, and imagination can easily become a substitute for the real thing.

Sexual attraction occurs on both conscious and unconscious levels, blends together both physical and emotional experiences, and can be both real and imagined. The overall effect is synergistic; that is, every component enhances the others. Physical arousal is compelling enough by itself; it is conscious and real. When it is combined with the power of unconscious unmet emotional needs and the imagination, it has unlimited mystifying potential.

What is consensual agreement?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +800

Consensual agreement (or group confirmation) is a key factor in the development of dependency and denial. Who was present during discovery? Who does the addict use with, or engage in the addictive activity with, on an ongoing basis? As the disease progresses, addicts tend to relate to people who, in some way, support their addiction.

When there is consensual agreement, the people in the group act as mirrors for each other. They reflect each other’s wishes and delusions, redefining reality in their own terms. The group’s celebration of the drug-induced experience reinforces a “reality” predicated on denial.

The addict’s relationships with significant others decrease in importance, while relationships with using cronies become increasingly important. The addict becomes increasingly removed from those prior relationships; anyone who doesn’t support his or her addiction is avoided.

How important is being "in love" when assessing the viability or quality of a ...

Daniel Linder — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +800

Many people wonder whether there is something inherently wrong or ominous if they do not feel “in love.”

Being in love should not be a prerequisite in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship, nor in assessing the long-term prognosis for, or quality of, any relationship. A common pitfall is to confuse being in love with loving each other and with being intimate. The key is to see the distinction between the two, the distinction between fantasy and reality.

To be in love is to be in an altered state of mind. It is a peak experience – exciting, intense… and temporary. Our tendency is to want to be in love all the time. Although two people may feel clear-headed and certain about each other while they’re in love, they forget that they’re looking at each other through the lens of idealization, and will become disillusioned and overwhelmed when reality sets in. They see each other as they wish the other to be, as opposed to who the other person really is; they wish to keep the other perched indefinitely on a pedestal. Judgment is impaired, perceptions skewed and objectivity compromised. While people’s tendency is to over-rely on being in love and get swept into the excitement of the experience, it’s actually in one’s own best interests (as well as the interests of the relationship) to proceed cautiously, knowing that one’s perceptions are likely to be unreliable.

In contrast to being in love, loving each other is rather ordinary, but solid and emotionally nourishing, bringing with it a subtle depth of feeling and the ability to be real and true, the ability to be vulnerable. Respect and trust grow over time. When in love, we are slaves to our inflated distortions, setting ourselves up for a guaranteed crash that occurs when one cannot live up to the other’s expectations.

Many people have a hard time accepting reality, especially in relation to being in love. The tendency is to want to kill the de-mystifying messenger. When being in love is confused with love itself, the temporary high and excitement is mistaken for something solid and lasting and real. Being in love is based on denial, delusion and self-deception, whereas love is an exchange that carries over time and has a life of its own.

It’s common for people to assume that being in love lasts indefinitely. It’s only a matter of time before reality sets in. What happens when a whole set of new influences impinge on the relationship? The couple is tested, forced to face themselves and each other and decide what it is they are really after… an altered state, an unreal world, or intimacy?

The quality and resilience of any relationship often depends on the couple’s ability to communicate effectively and to work through differences, conflicts and negative feelings (i.e., anger, disappointment, misunderstanding, and mistrust). All this is far more challenging than being in an altered state.

What is emotional withdrawal?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 01:00:00 +800

While physical withdrawal is clear-cut, evident by physical symptoms and is treated with medication; emotional withdrawal is subjective in nature, evident by disclosures regarding emotional changes, and is not treatable with medication. It is, however, no less real.

Here again we might be bumping up against the influence of the traditional medical model orientation that does not give the concept of emotional withdrawal much thought.

Since emotional withdrawal is not something that is easily observable, the only way to know of its existence is by hearing addicts describe what happens to them emotionally or experientially during and subsequent to getting high. The after-effect or when the high wears off, a state of insatiability starts and continues. The addict will find him/herself in a worse mood than before getting high and not know why.

After coming down, reality becomes a less than experience - one’s problems and limitations become more pronounced. The addict subconsciously measures how s/he feels when sober against how s/he feels when high, focusing entirely on the difference – without considering the source of the relief attributable to the substance or activity. The addict has no idea that s/he is trapped in a cycle of perpetual insatiability.

Does the ability to flirt mean that there is good chemistry?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 01:00:00 +800

Flirtation is another area where many people have difficulties. The problem isn’t flirtation itself. Just as we have seen to be true with sex, flirting can be stimulating and feel good. It’s a way to express interest and pique the other’s interest by sexualizing the communication. It’s a form of seduction, whether verbal or nonverbal, conscious or unconscious. Yet this is still being very different than being open and honest. Problems arise when you don’t know when you’re flirting, or mistake it for more than it is. Chemistry implies a multi-level connection and understanding that exists independently and in addition to the exchange of sexual interest through flirtation.

When does the addict actually become addicted?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 01:00:00 +800

The usual response to this question is that there is no way to truly know. Words like ‘when’ are speculative, there is no way for anyone to really know. How long had s/he been addicted before there were visible behavioral changes and resultant problems?

Common sense would tell us to assume that the addiction had been present long before anyone noticed anything awry. But how long before?

While one may want to discard the notion of when – because there will never be any proof, it is still possible to make inferences based on some very strong circumstantial evidence.

It’s certainly possible, more times than not, that the addiction began the first time the person got high via a substance or particular activity. The discovery of the mind/mood-altering effect, a “rush,” as it is commonly called, and the immediate relief/pleasure derived was extraordinarily gratifying.

The question of when refers to the moment a “discovery” is made, that s/he suddenly has the power to feel any way he or she wishes to feel whether that is “better than before” or a burst of confidence or freedom when one feels insecure and shut down most of the time.

Unbeknownst to the addict, an irreversible relationship is established at the point of discovery. This new relationship is overpowering and takes precedence over all others. As s/he gets more involved in this relationship, s/he becomes less involved in all other relationships – and, thus, more emotionally malnourished.

The backlog of pain actually increases over time, which is why the addict is becoming increasingly addicted. While the high provides relief on the front end, it makes the addict feel worse in the long run (when the effect wears off, the addict seeks relief again – only to feel worse after it wears off, and so on). So begins a vicious cycle.

Is codependency an addiction?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 01:00:00 +800

Codependency is an addiction, an addiction to another person. Just as an addict is driven by his need for relief through mind/mood-altering substances, the codependent person derives relief in the relationship s/he has with the addict. Codependency is putting someone else’s wants, needs, feelings and problems above one’s own, taking care of someone else, while neglecting oneself. The codependent’s judgment is impaired, s/he is out of control, and has a distorted view of the relationship. One is a sinking ship, the codependent stays on while the others would jump off. The co-dependent depends on others who are unable to provide or care for themselves. The addict’s problems actually feed the codependent in a variety of ways.

The codependent’s caretaking prevents the addict from bearing the responsibility for the consequences of the addiction and from recognizing the need for outside professional help. The emotional gain derived from ‘codepending’ (i.e., caring, helping, rescuing) is the feeling of being needed, making a difference and deserving of being loved and special.

A codependent relationship is a symbiotic one. Codependent people have tremendous difficulty separating themselves, setting a boundary between where they end and their partner begins, and between what is and is not their problem to fix.

The driving force of codependency is a deep sense of powerlessness, invisibility, worthlessness and fear of being left alone. Like all the other addictions, codependency serves as an escape from one’s own pain.

What are the keys to a quality sustained recovery?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 01:00:00 +800

Coping with all of life's stresses is a difficult for anyone, but more challenging for the recovering person. Not only is the recovering person learning how to deal with being sober/abstinent (something s/he is unaccustomed to doing,) s/he must also gain the necessary experience and skills to transform the quality of his/her relationships and develop new sobriety-supportive and emotionally nourishing relationships.

Recovery must become a top priority, to be practiced and applied every day. It requires strong motivation, commitment and discipline to stick with the trial-by-error learning process. Without a spiritual program or strong sense of self, and a healthy support system, it's usually just a matter of time before anyone (addict or not) will resort to the easiest and most immediate means of relief to cope.

Relapse and Recovery

Relapse is a natural and common part of the ongoing recovery process. The risk of relapse is based on how motivated and disciplined the addict is about working a program, and the extent to which he or she has developed and uses sober support. The veteran addict with years of sobriety is aware of the possibility of relapse at any time. The veteran knows his or her triggers, and takes precautionary measures to avoid them.

However, despite all best efforts, an addict can wear down under stress. The addict’s ability to cope, to stay sober, often depends on the level of stress s/he is dealing with. It’s quite common to become overwhelmed by stress, which leads to the need for relief and increased likelihood of acting impulsively. In no way does this mean the addict is no longer in recovery. It’s just a matter of getting back on track, maintaining sobriety and working a program.

What is an intervention?

Daniel Linder — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 01:00:00 +800

An intervention is a step-by-step, rehearsed process whereby significant others confront the addict about his/her addiction and need for immediate treatment. Significant others meet with the therapist for an assessment and to guide the process. The interventionist provides psycho-education about addiction and codependency. Then each family member recollects events that provide irrefutable evidence of the consequences of the addiction. Then the confrontation -- an outpouring of love long overdue and affirmation that they will no longer stand by helplessly watching the addict self-destruct.

Why is building rapport the primary objective during an initial encounter?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:01:52 +800

Intimacy begins with rapport. Rapport occurs when two people are engaged in conversation. They are listening and responding freely and spontaneously, neither self-monitoring nor anticipating what is going to happen next, but rather existing totally in the moment. It’s a natural unfolding process untainted by a wish for any specific desired outcome.

Rapport is characterized by mutual interest, honesty and understanding. Each person maintains a relatively high level of interest and desire to engage in the pursuit of discovery. Each maintains a high level of openness, honesty and willingness to express thought and feelings. The level of rapport achieved is a joint-effort creation.

Where there is mutual interest (in each other as well as in the process of relating) and honesty, understanding follows naturally. Understanding occurs when one’s experience registers with the other: then there is a bridging or sharing of experiences. It is quite profound. A connection is achieved, one that is deep, indefinable. As the interaction continues, this connection deepens. The content of communication becomes more personal, more emotionally charged. As this rapport continues in subsequent encounters, an intimate relationship will likely develop.

The level of rapport correlates with the potential for intimacy and may well be the most important factor in determining whether or not to pursue a relationship. When rapport is the top priority (as opposed to wanting something else, i.e., to be highly attracted to each other, or to get swept away in romantic excitement), people keep the rapport going, relishing the realness, intensity, truth and understanding. Neither is afraid of his/her own or the other’s strong feelings, neither is afraid of conflict, and neither is afraid to be different. All the while there is a sense that something deep is happening, that they can talk to each other, that there is a special understanding between them. Some call this chemistry. Some call this intimacy.

If two people have great rapport the first time they are together, it is at least possible, if not likely, that they will continue to do so in subsequent encounters. When there is such rapport, both people will place a high value on communication and understanding. This tends to remain a constant throughout the course of the relationship.

For some people, on the other hand, rapport has never occurred: they have never had the experience of having rapport with someone else, and don’t even know that such a thing exists. Nevertheless, there is always room to grow and change, to learn and become more aware, and to redirect one’s priorities. Although rapport may be something that people want more than anything else, it is all too common to focus on other things (on physical attraction, how one looks, whether one is wealthy or accomplished,) on attributes that don’t in any way correlate with potential for a lasting intimate relationship. Needless to say, when building rapport is not in the forefront of one’s consciousness, chances are good that it will not be built.

To what extent does stigma still affect the perception of the addict?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 01:48:52 +800

A stigma is a visible or known attribute that relegates a person to a substandard or less desirable category of people. Addiction may be either visible or invisible, depending on how much visual deterioration has set in. The person is labeled as defective and is subsequently branded an outcast, an example of what not to be. The person’s status, how s/he is seen through the eyes of others, and how s/he will ultimately feel about him or herself are under assault. Other people respond to the addict with avoidance, indifference and disdain.

Despite the disease concept, addiction still carries a huge stigma. The moment the label – ‘addict’ – is applied, the person is categorized, and all kinds of images are conjured up, as the addict is perceived as weak or bad, part of a less-desirable group. In our culture, there is also a strong stigma associated with having a problem, with needing and reaching out for help, albeit to a lesser extent than the stigma attached to having an addiction. Exposure, therefore, poses a huge risk for the addict and presses the button of internalized shame along.

It is not at all unusual for the influence of stigma to still spill into therapists’ and treatment practitioners’ laps. Certainly they are not exempt from being affected like everyone else. Unless educated about stigma, and aware of his or her own reactions, the helping professional can easily lose objectivity, which will ultimately hamper his or her ability to identify and discuss addiction.

How do we tell whether someone is addicted or not?

Daniel Linder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 01:48:01 +800

It is a relatively simple to diagnose addiction or to know when one’s addiction related activities are problematic. When there are objective, irrefutable indications, including the amount of time and energy spent acquiring a substance, thinking about the substance, getting high, being high, etc. – in other words, the extent to which his/her life revolves around a mind/mood altering chemical or activity, and how one’s life is impacted, i.e. health, relationships, occupational, academic, legal or financial problems, etc.

When there is marked evidence of problems or deterioration, it is almost certain that there is a pathological dependence, and that these problems will sooner or later precipitate treatment. We may call this an objective dependency.

It’s important to keep in mind the distinction between the existence of an addiction and its severity because there are profound treatment implications. The severity of resultant problems usually corresponds to the severity of the addiction.

When there are few or no objective indications, it becomes much more difficult to know whether someone is addicted. When there is a lack of irrefutable evidence, the tendency is to discount the existence of an addiction. “If there are no problems or consequences, there must not be an addiction.” One might wonder whether it even matters.

What if a person doesn’t care whether s/he is addicted or not and as long as s/he is maintaining a high level of functioning, and is choosing to maintain his/her involvement? It is certainly possible be addicted and remain relatively high functioning.

The challenge is still to determine whether there is an addiction or ‘subjective’ dependency. A subjective dependency requires accurate interpretation of subjective indications to know whether or not there is an addiction.

In order to make a diagnosis as soon as possible, during the early and mid ranges of an addiction’s progression and before it reaches its destructive potential, subjective criteria must again be applied. For example, when there are obvious addiction-related problems, but the person is not willing or able to even entertain the possibility of an addiction, the possibility of undesirable consequences, or the possibility of needing help to address those problems.

Take the case of a relatively high-functioning addict who claims not to be addicted, and sees no ill effects. S/he claims to be using the substance recreationally; but it becomes apparent that his/her recollection of facts regarding amounts, frequency and duration of use is inconsistent. It becomes further apparent that the person is making an effort to conceal, cover up, minimize or justify his/her use to him or herself and to other people, but isn’t aware of doing so. It finally becomes apparent that this person is in denial. The person’s story is a denial-laden story. At this point, a bell rings and we know.

The rule of thumb is that wherever there is denial, there is dependency – otherwise, there would be nothing to deny. One doesn’t exist without the other.