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Understanding Codependency as an Addiction (II)�

Daniel Linder — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

Before further discussion about codependency as an addiction, let's briefly re-establish a working definition of addiction: An addiction is a relationship with a means of relief. Where there is addiction, there is pain from unmet emotional needs. It is the need to relieve that pain that drives the addiction. (The Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA)).

Denial and other defense mechanisms render the pain and source of the pain unconscious. Where there is addiction, there is the irresistible lure of the relationship that serves as a means of relief and loss of control -- the inability to pull away despite increasing problems and steady progression of deterioration on all levels. Denial is always operating as the 'addiction's best friend,' capable of altering perception and eliminating awareness, making it impossible to realistically assess the level of involvement or severity of resultant problems. �

What distinguishes codependency from chemical process addictions (i.e. gambling, porn or sex) is that codependents get 'hooked' on other people in an anguished effort to recover something that had been missing emotionally from their own upbringing. Addiction to other people is far more complicated than other types of addictions because they are relationships between people, in which communication exchanges are emotionally charged and multi-layered. � �

What is codependency?� �

Codependency is a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before yourself, and caring more about their needs than your own.

A codependent relationship is a highly imbalanced one. The focus is on the other person, not on oneself, and comes at the expense of oneself. Codependents often find themselves depending on others who fail to provide very little, if any emotional nourishment, who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves. �

Codependents' behavior often occurs in the guise of caring or loving. Codependents are known to put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately "needing to be needed," to feel important and that they matter. Denial makes it impossible for the codependent person to be conscious of his/her feelings of shame and worthlessness which are rooted at the core of their motivation. They can't see when they're over-involved or loving too much, and that they are "going down with the ship." �

As is the case with other addictions, the emotional holes codependents are trying to fill only get bigger as they exhaust themselves in the process. Their hunger becomes internalized, that is, turns into negative self-feelings. "I am a failure." "I am worthless." "I am unlovable". "I don't matter." They are trying in vain to affirm they are worthy, needed, wanted, loved and can make a difference, when deep down they believe that they are not. �

Are you codependent?

The following questions can help you determine whether or not you are.�

Do you feel you have to hide your feelings?
Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, it's never quite good enough?
Do you think that if you were a better parent, spouse, sibling, son or daughter, or friend, things would be better?
Do you feel like you work harder or expend more energy than your partner to keep the relationship going?
Do you believe a bad relationship is better than no relationship?
Is it hard for you to say "no?"
Do you tend to avoid confrontation at all costs?
Do you feel helpless or trapped in your relationship?
Are you preoccupied with your partner's addiction or other problems?
Do you make excuses or cover up your partner's behavior to other people?
Does embarrassment make you want to avoid being around other people?
Do you often make threats to leave the relationship, but never carry them out?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, consider the possibility that you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. While codependent behavior may be deep seated and longstanding, understanding codependency as an addiction and recognizing one's own tendencies is the first step on the path of recovery.

�

The Relationship Model of Addiction (I) Codependency

Daniel Linder — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

One of the latest developments in the field of addiction is the Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA). The prevailing approach to addiction for the past 50 plus years has been a medical-based model. When the American Medical Association established that alcoholism (which later became interchangeable with chemical dependency as well as addiction) qualified as a disease-a "pathological dependence," only objective or science-based criteria applied. Addiction was understood strictly from a medical perspective and only genetic, biochemical and behavioral factors were considered. The subjective arena was never broached and mental, emotional, psychological and relationship factors were virtually ignored.

The RMA picks up where the disease concept leaves off. From the RMA perspective, "pathological dependency" implies a pathological relationship, one that can be most accurately understood by looking at the mental and emotional dynamics of a relationship. "Pathological" can be synonymous with an unhealthy, dysfunctional, "bad" relationship. The RMA broadens our understanding of addiction as being a relationship and extends the concept to activity-based and relationship addictions, not just to chemical dependency.

The relationship is with a means of relief, be it with a substance or an activity like gambling, porn or sex ("process" addictions) or with another person (codependency). The relationship is driven by pain and the need to relieve that pain. The pain is emotional in nature, the result of unconscious unmet emotional needs stemming from childhood, from relationships that failed to provide adequate emotional nourishment. Despite being unconscious, they remain active, never go away, and only get stronger over time.�

This 'pathologically dependent' relationship is a destructive and doomed one. It feeds on itself, creating a vicious cycle. While providing temporary relief, the net effect actually leaves the addict in more pain and emotional hunger than before. The level of pain and hunger driving the addiction increases over time as no real nourishment is ever provided. The energy spent keeping the relationship going zaps whatever internal resources existed prior to becoming addicted and further isolates the addict from relationships that might otherwise provide some nourishment. The relationship becomes overpowering, the number one relationship in the addict's life, coming at the expense of all other relationships and priorities, i.e. family, work, health and creative endeavors. This accounts for the progressive deterioration on all levels of functioning associated with this pathological dependency.��

In many ways, the relationship is akin to carrying on a secret love affair. Secrecy and deception are always involved. Imagination plays a key role, and denial is always operating.

Denial makes it virtually impossible for someone in the throes of an addiction to realistically and accurately assess the existence of the problem, as well as the severity of problems resulting from the relationship. The addict has no idea how desperately involved he or she is and the lengths he or she would go for relief, without considering the costs. For the addict illusion has replaced reality. In his or her deluded mind, no one sees or knows what is happening. Getting busted poses no threat.� Regret is no worry. Crashing and burning never enters the mind until he or she crashes and burns.��

The cause (etiology) of addiction is attributable to the backlog of pain associated with emotional hunger and deprivation. A basic premise of the RMA is: Where there is pain, there is the need to relieve that pain. The greater the pain, the greater the need is to relieve it.

The primary predisposing factor or condition is the presence of a relatively abundant amount, albeit subjective and impossible to measure, of emotional hunger and deprivation, which adds acuity and specificity to the prevailing genetic or biochemical explanations. The same logic applies: The greater the pain (subjective), the greater the susceptibility to becoming addicted.

The RMA also has profound treatment implications. It naturally follows that, if the lack of emotionally nourishing relationships and need for relief is the (primary) cause of addiction, then the development of nourishing relationships would reduce the need for relief, which could ultimately free the addict from his/her addiction. Rather than spending life fending off pain and depleting one's inner resources, one would tap into them, providing nourishment from within oneself and making it possible to continue growing and evolving.

It also follows that learning how to create healthy, emotionally nourishing relationships is an integral part of treatment and recovery. After a period of sustained stabilization, the next stage of recovery would be a period of intensive 'self-work'-developing the relationship with oneself - which could be the most abundant and enduring source of emotional and spiritual sustenance - where your higher self resides. Many consider your self tantamount to your higher power. It's where there is compassion, guiding wisdom, purpose and unrealized potential.�

After having developed a solid relationship with yourself, you act as a separate, autonomous entity, are self-aware, and are not seeking to fill holes or provide what's missing from external sources but rather looking to do so from within. The next stage of recovery would be a period of intensive 'relationship training' in which you gain the understanding and skills necessary to create healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships.

Identifying Common Tendencies and Characteristics of Codependency (III)

Daniel Linder — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

Codependency, as discussed in prior newsletters, is a deep longstanding pattern of considering the needs of others more than your own. Codependency can be viewed as an addiction, i.e. a love addiction or relationship addiction, as the relationship is driven by unconscious, unmet emotional needs (The Relationship Model of Addiction (RMA)). It originates in dysfunctional families where children learn to overcompensate for the lack of emotional nourishment by developing excessive sensitivity to others' needs. In effect, the codependent loses him or herself in the relationship, or the relationship serves as an escape from oneself.��

In the last Newsletter, there were a number of questions posed to help readers determine whether certain tendencies and characteristics of codependency pertain to them (Are you codependent?). One of the questions asked was, Do you feel you have to hide your feeling? This question speaks to one of the hallmark features of codependency: the suppression of feelings and disconnection from oneself, manifested by a discrepancy between how a person appears on the outside versus what he or she is feeling on the inside. For example, we often see a cool, calm exterior masking an emotional storm.�

While it is hard to say how conscious the codependent is of covering up his or her feelings or hiding behind a 'poker face,' it is likely that a fa�ade becomes second-nature, a way of life, and he or she loses track of the incongruity. Suppression and disconnect from one's feelings is the result of having grown up in an environment void of nurturing and where it was unsafe to be vulnerable or to express feelings.��

In a session with a patient, the disparity between "what you see," and "what you get," became quite apparent. I suggested to the patient that she was quite an emotional person despite how she appeared on the outside. She was taken aback, and remained quite matter of fact. "I'm surprised to hear you say that.� That's not how I see myself.� My parents never knew or cared what I felt, which is why I checked out.� I stopped feeling my feelings a long time ago."�

I was struck by her hesitance to admit that she prided herself on her controlled, stoic exterior.� Despite her efforts, whenever we talked about what and how she needed to communicate to her (addicted) husband, tears gushed while her face remained expressionless.� It seemed as if she didn't want to know she was crying, but couldn't stop herself.

Some the questions in the Are You Codependent� inventory, speak to the external distortion that is often seen with codependency. Do you feel like you work harder or expend more energy than your partner to keep the relationship going?� Do you think that if you were a better spouse (or parent, sibling, son or daughter, or friend), things would be better? Do you often make threats to leave the relationship, but never carry them out?

Many codependents find themselves trapped in dysfunctional relationships, unable to extricate themselves from the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship may be. It is not uncommon to hear about their sense of demoralization and confusion upon recognizing that they are pulling the relationship along while their partners remain passive and oblivious.

Codependents have the capacity to pull themselves from the depths of despair by creating illusions about the people they are in relationships with, as well as the quality of those relationships. Reality and imagination become indistinguishable and objectivity is lost. Rather than recognizing the limitation of their partner to provide emotional nourishment, 'love' addicts and 'relationship' addicts hang on to the idea of how they would like things to be rather than how they really are.

In another case example, a patient who was struggling to end a relationship with a boyfriend, frequently lapsed in and out of reverie with 'euphoric recall,' alluding to "how good we were together" and "how great of a guy he was." Despite being able to admit to me that she often felt criticized or blamed, she remained blind and unable to respond to the lack of emotional intimacy that plagued their relationship. Her boyfriend was unresponsive to her feelings or and avoided discussion about any of their mounting conflicts. He had little or no interest in having sex, and he was rarely available to see her unless it was convenient for him. Yet, she was unable to control her urge to contact him. Denial was working masterfully. She remained unaware of being 'hooked' on him, and was out of touch with the unmet emotional needs driving her involvement. She couldn't see that the longer she stayed in the relationship, the worse she felt about herself.

As the process of her therapy took hold, she became more aware of being driven by a deeply embedded sense of worthlessness and feeling undeserving of love. She was beginning to understand that, in order to break the cycle of ending up feeling abandoned, rejected and hopeless, she must learn and practice principles of self-care, so that she can one day rely on herself for nurturance and guidance.�

Recovering From Codependency

The initial stage of recovery from codependency, as well as other aforementioned addictions (chemical dependency, compulsive gambling, porn, sex and love addictions), entails a period of intensive self-work during which the pain from unmet emotional needs and negative self-feelings are identified and sourced. By learning how to cope with the pain without depending on someone outside of yourself for escape, you ultimately change how you see yourself so that you are able to make decisions and act in your own best interests.�

It follows that if codependency is a deep-seated, longstanding tendency to consider another person's feelings before your own, recovery is process of reprioritization. Consider your own feelings, wants and needs first, before deciding on a course of action. That is, "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?" "What's in it for me?" "How do I best take care of myself?"

Identifying Common Tendencies and Characteristics of Codependency (continued) (IV)

Daniel Linder — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

Another running theme of codependency is the individual's inability to set and maintain clear boundaries and the lack of clearly established boundaries in their family of origin relationships. The blurring of boundaries between self and other, me and you, is often the key factor distinguishing dysfunctional relationships from healthy ones.

Codependent relationships are merged ones. Relationships are need-based and are a means of filling emotional holes. A codependent's well being rests in the hands of the other person. The source of emotional sustenance is externalized -- outside of themselves. The other person becomes the codependent's 'raison d'�tre, or life's purpose. Codependents often put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately needing to be needed, to feel important, and that they matter.

In a previous newsletter, I posed the question, Are you preoccupied with your partner's addiction or other problems? (Are you codependent?) This question points to the kinds of things that happen when there is a lack of clearly established boundaries. We know that codependents often find themselves depending on others who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves. In the guise of caring, the codependent bears the burden of responsibility for problems that are not his or hers to fix. "If you love someone, that's what you do!"�

The relationship between a codependent and drug addict is a case in point. The codependent can not distinguish between whose problem is whose, and who is ultimately responsible to address it. Unaware of attributing the cause of the problem to him or herself, the codependent will get over-involved and exhausted by relentless efforts to 'help.' Denial blinds them to the fact their enabling only makes the situation worse and that feelings of self-doubt, shame and inadequacy, are rising insidiously.

I worked with a patient who made sure his wife attended her treatment sessions by transporting her to every one. In so

doing, he kept her from being responsible for getting to them on her own. As a result, her commitment to get the help she needed was never established. He was afraid of the possibility that she wasn't going to get herself there, which, as it turns out, was the case. He was driven by his need to see himself as a loyal and loving person who was going to be there for her when she needed him most.�� In his mind, he was trying to save their relationship, as if he could do it all by himself.

During the course of therapy, he began to understand his relationship was a 'merged one.' He was relating to her as if she was an extension of himself, not as a person in her own right. He was basically having a relationship with himself. The relationship served as a means of relief. He was so desperate to� fill emotional holes, he lost sight of whose problems were whose to fix. He also began to understand how to take care of himself, and to tap the abundant resources deep within himself, and become able to act in his own best interests. After several months, he realized their relationship was over and moved out.��

Codependent versus Healthy, Intimate Relationships

Basic relationship building principle number one is the definition of intimacy. It is the coming together of two separate selves in a joint-effort creation. You and Me make Us.

If you are going to enter the sacred space of co-creation where You and Me become Us, it's necessary to have a self to bring. Having a self means being able to act autonomously and reliant on an array of internal resources, and that your well-being or sense of self-worth does not depend on someone else or a relationship. You must have a relationship with yourself upon entering into the sacred space. At the bare minimum, self-awareness in involved. Your behavior is internally based and purpose driven.

Recovering From Codependency (V)

Daniel Linder — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +800

Just like an addict whose world revolves alcohol, sex or gambling, whatever substance or activity, the codependent's world revolves around other people. Codependency can be defined as a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before oneself, caring more about others' needs than one's own (The Relationship Model of Addiction). Codependents are driven by unconscious unmet emotional needs, and use relationships to fill emotional holes. Their sense of self-worth hinges on the effect they believe they are having on others. In their minds, they are caring and loving. In actuality, they are 'saving' or 'rescuing,' which contributes to a worsening of the situation. Denial serves as an elaborate system of defense and protection of the codependents modus operandi in relationships. This makes it impossible for codependents to objectively and realistically assess their own level of involvement, the effect of their involvement, or that they can not extricate themselves from the relationship. They can't stop themselves from "going down with the ship."

How does the codependent break the cycle?

If conscious of them at all, the codependent's own needs, wants and feelings are way down on his or her list of priorities and considerations. It follows then that recovery is a process of reprioritization - learning to consider one's own needs, wants and feelings first, before deciding on a course of action. "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?" How the codependent operates in relationships changes to considering his or her needs, wants and feelings as much as, if not, more than the other person's. A shift occurs from always focusing on the other person to an awareness of, "What am I getting out this relationship?" and acting on one's own interests. In effect, the codependent develops a relationship with him or herself.��

A shift must occur from the source of well-being occurring outside of oneself, to depending on oneself as a source of nourishment and to create well-being from within. Tapping into the power within, the self as an inner sanctuary and refuge, can be viewed as spiritual components of recovery. One discovers the abundant source of resources that reside within - a voice of wisdom and truth, where there is purpose and potential and a decision-making agency.�

Change and transformation, and the process of reprioritization begin with self-awareness.

Becoming mindful during the course of day-to-day life means being more self-aware, and aware in general more of the time, In other words, mindfulness can be thought of as a state of both detachment and connectedness. Jon Kabat-Zinn described mindfulness as "not defining yourself by thought content or emotional reactivity," and as "an open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is happening, both internally and externally at any given time."

When one is mindful, the separation between self and other is more clearly defined. The focus is on the unfolding interaction in the here and now. When mindful, one can be more present and able to represent yourself, express your own needs, wants and feelings. Self-awareness is the precursor to taking responsibility for caring and providing for yourself.

The most important relationship...

In a brief passage from her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes a moment of realization about her relationship with herself...

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up all night long, I will stay with you...There is nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die and after your death, I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

This passage shows that in the depths of loneliness and despair there is self-empowerment. Despite a history of relationships that fail to provide adequate emotional nourishment and deeply engrained pattern of using relationships to compensate for what's missing; self-awareness along with understanding some basic relationship building principles are enough to overcome all hurdles.�

While we may embrace the adage, "The quality of one's relationships is the quality of one's life," we don't want to lose sight of the most important relationship - your relationship with yourself.