Relationships, dating tips, and the rest of life

Be open to change

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 02:45:00 +0000

I know that to have a successful relationship you need to be open to change. Change is what allows a person to grow, it is a crucial and critical ingredient. Change...

Everytime something goes wrong in my relationship, I know that change has to occur (mostly that I have to change). But how easy it is to forget, especially in the middle of an argument, that change needs to happen to allow the relationship to proceed forward.

Today my fiance and I started on the wrong foot. She woke up a grump, and I woke up ready and excited to get the day going.

Now when I was younger I was pretty good at dodgeball, but even and I have a limit on how long I can play. And at the end of my strength, I started being grumpy back... which I know was not the best course of action.

It was only some small remarks here and there to begin with, because I kept regaining strength I could hold back again.

Several times I thought I would lose all control, while looking up and praying to God for strength. Finally, at the end, before she had to go to work, I asked her to pray with me (though my smart remarks did not end there...it stopped when we finished praying).

But I look back now and think to myself, ”Really? I waited until she left to pray with her and finally be right with each other and God?!”

If you or your loved one, parent, or friend find each other ready to claw eyes out, or box until someone gets knocked out...May I suggest first praying together to start off with? Starting your day not on what the other person does or does not do, but on who God is and what he had done for us.

Don't start in your strength, but start in God's. Be weak to His desires and God will be strong for you both. His grace is enough...and so is His strength.

So be open to change, and in this case, quick change, or you may find yourself wasting a day, struggling throughout a day, or worse...alone at the end of the day.

Breaking up is hard to do

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:40:00 +0000

As I have said time and time again, "Life is about relationships." There is no way to get around it, it's a part of life, a part of what it means to be a human, and a part of what it means to live life to its fullest. Over are lifetime we will make and grow many relationships. From our best friend we meet in elementary that becomes a life long friend, to our first "puppy love" girlfriend, or boyfriend, as a child, and with teachers, pastors, co-workers, the one we marry and spend our life with, and with our family and even with God.

Unfortunately not all the relationships that we make will last. For numerous reasons our relationships with others will part ways, and none of those reasons are really happy ones, or they are at least a mixture of sadness and happiness (like when your child leaves the home to pursue a degree in college). What probably is the most heart wrenching way for a relationship to end is, in my opinion, breaking up with someone you've invested time into and death.

Breaking up is not easy to do, whether through a loss of a life - where neither of you have a choice, or because someone gave up and decided to cut their losses - where there was at least some choice on each others part.

There is nothing that we can really do about death, it's a part of life and cannot be helped, though it can be prolonged by making healthy choices - with food, not doing drugs, exercise, and spiritual choices - going to church, having a relationship with God. But while we are still alive and breathing there is a choice to take care and healthily grow and strengthen our relationships so that the only thing that may temporarily break it is death itself.

As pain staking it is to feel betrayed by a break-up, or a divorce, remember that what hopefully brought you to a point of giving your hearts to each other was love. Now in your current relationship, or in your next one, be sure to hold on to that love and remember it as he or she makes mistakes. Let your love, not your anger, guide your decisions in that relationship (especially if you have a relationship with God; he asks that we be forgiving and patient with each other, forgiving of each others faults). Let go of the "I'm right, she's wrong", or "he's wrong" malady and cancer, because if not you begin to build resentment towards each other, a history of wrongs, and the healing process just because a band-aid over a festering wound, rather that correctly treating the wound with disinfectant. Yes a scar is there, and you will remember it, but it no longer has to hurt or become a stopping point in your relationship.

So remember, whether you are dating, in a relationship, or married, to hold on to your love for each other and communicate how you are each feeling in the relationship. Don't just assume that things are ok, or that they will be ok "somehow." It doesn't work that way, relationships take work and communication on both sides - whether you are the one who's always forgiving, or finding yourself falling on your face. Love one another and we can keep heart breaks down to a minimum.

Here's something to think about:

We already have death to contend with in breaking relationships, and life is so short, so why would we want to make life even more painful by not loving each other and allowing relationships to break because you just chose to give up.

Live well and grow your relationships by communicating, being loving, and being forgiving of each others relationships.

Dating: Argument leads to Disaster

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 05:06:00 +0000

A buddy of mine, whom I'll call Oyster Shot, just found out some pretty hairy news the other night...

He and his girlfriend has been together for the last five years or so and they have five kids (lol...one for every year together). Their relationship has been well over the years, of course as in any dating relationship, they have their ups and downs. You know the argument here, an argument there, and the make ups and love hugs in between, etc.

As I go in to see him, having lunch at the place he works, he tells me and my friend the current events, though it's more like current distress, of his life.

His girlfriend, pretty much wife, of their five kids got a little worse for wear at a bar with a guy who wasn't him...ouch, to make matters worse, this "Man" takes her home - his home (talk about taking advantage). So were talking and fills us in on a little more details, of course it's just his side, but in no real way was he in the wrong for what had happened.

They're not really talking now, because he's deciding what to do next, but wow...this in a way started just from an argument.

I feel really bad for my friend, because it's a hell of a thing to be betrayed like that by somebody you love, care for, and have plans to spend the rest of your life with. It rips at the heart, makes one often feel that life is no longer worth living - but that's just a feeling of course, not something to act upon.

I've been in arguments before, heck we all have. I don't think it's healthy to be in a relationship where you never argue or get into disagreements in at least once in awhile. But it's not something where you should leave the situation to just make matters worse.

When your with someone, whether dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, or married to, you don't try to get them back. Revenge normally will just lead to disaster for any relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't even call that revenge, because arguments are just two people who don't see eye to eye on a particular subject and get angry about it, or often in my case it would be because I was a little blind to see something and ended up hurting the other persons feelings because of it...so I guess that would be more like ignorance.

When you get into an "altercation" don't shove your view down his or her mouth. Remember that the relationship is a place of security for both of you, not a place to beat each other up and abuse (easier said then done at times, I know).

If it gets bad enough, where your not getting anywhere, just step back for a bit. Try a little harder to see their point. Often we won't see their point at first for the simple fact that were not open to what they have to say, you're just stuck on the "I'm right no matter what that ***** has to say" mode. If either of you get stuck there, it's time to end the conversation and take a breather. Go for a walk, talk to some honest and trustworthy friends, heck get a drink with a good friend if you absolutely must (not of the opposite sex if it can be helped...and don't have more than two drinks). I don't recommend the drinking part when your mad though, nothing good ever comes out of drinking while angry.

In my friends case, his girlfriend went to drink with a "friend," and that just led to complete disaster.

Be wise and thoughtful in the decisions you make. They'll either lead to a healthy lasting relationship with the one you love, or it'll lead to arguments and disaster.

God bless,

Ikaika Mossman

Looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 02:57:00 +0000

Now how many of us have never read, heard, of thought those same words to ourselves. It does not matter whether your single, dating, or a self-mutilator. Everyone wants that right person for themselves, we want the best...and by golly, the American capitalist society says we deserve the best!

However...do we really? It's not bad that everyone wants the right guy or girl for their life, but if everyone wants that and nobody is willing to put in the work to become just that, how realistic is this selfish idea of "I want the best," or "I deserve that person"? It's not realistic at all.

We want, that's a given, but how are you challenging yourself to be the best person for someone else? What have you sacrificed - put your time and energy into?

Have you sacrificed for a beneficial financial future? Learned a trade, gone to school, or at least tried different venues of making money that will put food on the table for your family, a roof over your heads, and some stable transportation?

You want someone who is financially stable, but do you at least have a steady income? You want someone who's lean and well built, what about yourself?

The whole point is to check yourself so you're not so darn selfish (and not full of double-standards). You'll weaken and eventually destroy a relationship with that type of mentality. The relationship that you want is one that will bring out the best in not just yourself, but in the other person as well.

As I stated in my last post. Don't just go for the first beautiful thing to "swing" your way. Instead allow yourself the time to at least be solid on the path of becoming Mr. or Mrs. Right...you don't have to be it right away, that takes time and effort.

This way, when you're at least looking for someone you can love to share the rest of your life with, you'll both bring your best to the table...no one's perfect, but trying to prepare for the part will surely make a difference when you meet (or meet again even...lol, who knows).

Become Mr. or Mrs. Right, and it'll be easier for you to find, or recognize, who'll fit well for your other half.

Make the effort,

Ikaika Mossman

Comments on life love and relationships

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:53:00 +0000

If your going to leave a comment on my blog about life love and dating relationships. Have the courtesy and common sense to at least keep your comments to something pertaining to what I'm blogging on. Don't think that leaving a "keep up the good work" on my life love and relationships kind of blog, and then after your one liner leave a whole page of your own marketing bs will fly. Cause I'll just delete it.

Life Love and Relationships

Earlier this evening I read something interesting. Everyone wants to be with someone who'll not only love them for who they are, but be wholly committed, faithful, honest, and true to them. It's not suprising that these are strong desires to seek in another person when it's about love (not suprising in a lot of decent friendships really - love is defined and truly shown through a person of good character).

That probably is not suprising. However, what was suprising is that often because of impatience, the easiness of a "quick-bite" people will go for whatever comes their way first. Easiest catch I suppose it could also be said. It is the relationship that is momentarily satif ying, but ultimately dead and empty. Really it is the "American" way - to have a desire instatly satisfied.

Now I know that may not be entirely true, but too often it is, and too often we ourselves are victimized by this evolving and rapidly transmitted social-psycho brainwashing. We look around and see happy couples, not so happy couples, domestic violence couples, and think that we need to jump on that band wagon of love and relationships.

...But that is not the way to go.

A while back I watched a movie that brought up the 20/80 rule. When I first heard and learned this rule it was about money. That eighty percent of the worlds money is contrlolled by twenty percent of the population - top twenty percent if you will. After seeing the movie and commenting it with a friend of mine from San Diego (Thanks Linlin), I learned that his rule make actually also apply to relationships as well.

That perhaps only twenty percent of the male or female you meet have eighty percent of what you are looking for in a person to spend your life with. But so often we'll go for the other eighty percent just because they're there, and it seems like they got what you want. In the end however, it was all just an illusion. A figment of your "desiring blind" imagination.

Know what you want in a person, but also be a person that is also desireable. We can't change other people, but we can change ourselves. Know what you desire, or you'll fall for anyone. Even if she's not what you really want in a person, you may endup going head over heels without thinking that would happen. Be careful, because if you do that, you'll only be setting yourself up for a heartbreak.

It's good to be picky, but not be too picky. I've learned to see people for who they are a little bit more than what they look like. Seeing and being apart of someone's life, at the heart of life, is magnificent and truly wondrous. Make sure you share that with someone you know you want to grow old with. It will make that life long loving relationship truly wonderful and blessed.

Don't just go for anyone,

Ikaika Mossman

Falling in Love...

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 09:42:00 +0000

Falling in love...it's such a splendid feeling, really it is, to have found someone you love and who loves you back. It surely does not happen everyday, it is a rarity I think. I may be wrong of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but seriously, it is not a common thing. It is not common to find a girl, or a guy, that you are willing to devout everything (almost at least) to, and towards. It is not common to find that special someone you feel comfortable speaking many past secrets about...of course, not to scare the poor soul, but to only try and enhance the relationship. It is for love, is it not?

For the most part, since I was in the younger days of elementary, I always thought love, and falling in love was like this song by Nat King Cole that goes, "When I fall in love...it will be forever...or I'll...Never fall in Love..." Now I know that it does not always work that way, but still, to truly fall in love, really is rarity. The emotions that become in sync with falling in love are not duplicable by any false "feelings" but only true love...I mean, how the heck to you fake loving someone without actually knowing or realizing it? If you can do it...go visit a shrink....NOW.

I actually had nothing else to say really, except that falling in love is rare, and even more rare is the one you fall in love with. To many, this feeling, or ideal "love," is just another disney movie that may perhaps happen one day. To me, it is a hope, or perhaps it has already happened and I failed to notice. Worse, it has happened, I noticed, but I failed to act on it.

It's a good thing that love does not only come around just once in our lives, especially for those of us who make many mistakes, but continueously...till our time is up, I believe. To the one out there who loves me, I love you...and I can't wait to "Fall in love with you."

It is a silly thing I do, to pray for someone I don't even know, but it is something I do nonetheless. I actaully pray for the one i will fall in love with and be with for the rest of my life. I pray for her safetey, for her continual growth in live, for us both to meet when we our both ready to move forward with our lives. I love you - whoever you are, and wherever you may be!!!

Remember, true love is rare, don't take the opposite sex for granted, for who knows when you'll truly fall in love again?

From a guy who's already fallen,

Ikaika Mossman

dating edge: wearing a purple hat "backwards"

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 19:54:00 +0000

Dating Edge: Wearing a purple hat "backwards"

I may be reading the trends wrong, but, as of lately, it seems that being "different" is the new trend. This is what gives us the edge in showing the world around us that we are unique. In fact, by "wearing a purple hat 'bacwards,'" while everyone else is conforming, a new identity is born - thus they are different and unique.

Don't get me wrong, I am for different - it's good in general. People should be able to express themselves in unique ways, because face it, we are all unique. But what bothers me about this trend is that there are people who seem to be soo caught up in trying to be different, that they actually leave what is unique about them and begin to conform to "wearing a purple hat 'backwards.'" Does this make any sense?

Dating can become competitive, no, in fact, it is competitive, many of us are scurrying about finding the one that best compliments who we are. I think that saying 'many of us' is a bit shy of the total. I'll try again. The entire human race is scurrying about looking for their mate (I don't know if you have realized this but that's a lot of people).

(Random fact: Did you know that every 1 out of 5 people is Chinese? On a global scale, statistically, the Chinese are our biggest competition.)

In the world of dating we are all putting our best foot forward; we are looking for our edge. This dating edge gives us an advantage over the competition, or so it should. People want to stand out, look different, think different, and just over all be different from the masses. They begin wearing a purple hat backwards.

At first this works and they gain more attention from whomever. But this new trend will just last for a moment, and because it's a trend, the new 'uniqueness' about you will soon fade into an "everybody's doing it now...and their mom" kind of thing. However, it's not only that, but even more un-understandable, is when they push their dating edge of wearing a purple hat backwards too far.

The other day I stood back and glanced over a girl who was wearing neon pink stockings with a large diamond black mesh over it, a short yellow skirt, and a very "unique" black top that looked like the edges of the sleeves and bottom of the shirt was mauled by ninety starving wolverines, with her friends, flirting with this guy. Did I mention that she was wearing a purple hat "backwards"? Seriously!

I could be wrong about her conforming to being different, but it made me wonder: At times, do we try so hard to be different, while in that process of having an edge over the competition, that we actually lose our true uniqueness in the process?

It's something to think about, being true to who you are, there is nothing wrong with asking yourself "why do I do this?", or "why do I do that?". Are you trying too hard to be unique, or is wearing a purple hat "backwards" truly apart of who you are?

A very long way to say be yourself and don't over try being unique,

Ikaika Mossman

Our Memories Affect Us

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 07:25:00 +0000

Our Memories Affect Us

Whenever I have an emotional attachment to something, someone, or a particular event, it is always easy for me to recall – “like it happened yesterday.” For instance, I can recall every girlfriend I’ve had since elementary. During my “cleaning binges” I’ll often find myself caught up in a string of past memories from looking at one object (which is why my apartment is still a mess). However I can’t recall the names of most of my teachers, and certainly not my professors – this is sad, being that it was more recent.

The human brain is an amazing system. Did you know that one human brain generates more electrical impulses in a single day than all of the world's telephones put together?

Our brain, creating memories, helps us to retain important information – for school, work, laws that need to be followed, and your anniversary date, or girlfriends birthday (sadly, in one relationship, it took me several years to finally remember my girlfriends birth date...can’t blame her for being mad at me for that one). Though a lot of what we remember is good, there are often memories that can hurt us, break us, and even affect our relationships in a negative way.

The memory itself doesn’t hurt us, but the way that the memory is remembered can. If you’ve read my testimony devotion on my other site, then you would know that I had been broken down and defeated by my past – by the way I viewed specific memories.

Within the last two years, this had occurred to me. It started with the loss of a relationship. My mistakes began to decay my very foundation of life and these memories ripped the life out of me. By the way I treated this person, by taking her for granted; my past began to eat away at me. When I knew that it was most certainly over, when she absolutely decided she would never take me back, the pain shot in – like getting bamboo shoots shoved up your finger nails. Instead of committing and training to see these memories as a lesson to be had, as being that it was a special relationship I would always treasure – keeping my thoughts to the good times and learning from the bad times – I only saw the bad. Alcohol had then become my answer and the result of allowing my past to swallow me whole.

My life went downhill fast, in fact, saying that I dived off a cliff would be more appropriate. So what should we do to avoid these cliffs and not become “memory cliff divers”?

Mistakes will always be a part of our lives, we make them. People do come and go in our lives, whether because of choices we make, circumstances, or because death got hold of them. We will survive well, and cut back much pain, if we learn to train the way we view our memories positively. Not only are we what we eat, but also, we are what we think. Instead of seeing the bad in a relationship, both past and present, see the good. We can apply this to all memories, both present and the far, far, past. This is one reason why many people will go through many partners and love relationships, because they began to only see the hurt and pain the other person caused. So don’t only learn to view things in a positive light, but also learn how to forgive and not count their mistake against them.

Adjust the way you view your memories and you will adjust the amount and level of pain those memories bring you. This will not just help you personally, but will also change your relationships with the people who surround you. Be a problem solver by facing them with courage head-on.

Don’t be afraid to learn and change who you are,

Ikaika Mossman

Privacy Policy: Relationships, dating tips, and the rest of life

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 07:59:00 +0000

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If you have any questions or concerns please contact Ikaika Mossman at istyles808@gmail.com. This privacy policy updated May 2008

Butterflies and Smiles

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 06:11:00 +0000

Butterflies and Smiles

Do you ever wonder what causes someone to admire, fall “in-love,” or fall head over heels for another person? Or why after spending such a brief amount of time with a particular individual, it becomes almost impossible to not think about them? Is it their looks, the way they treat you, their personality, or unseen matching chemical balance? Whatever it may be for you, the two results that we undeniably share are butterflies and smiles.

Close your eyes, still your heart, picture the persons face...butterflies and smiles, butterflies and smiles. It can’t be helped that the feeling of butterflies occurs, or in that warm blissful moment a lingering smile takes shape and forms. Thinking about the person’s smile brings an instant sense of peace; helps put your day at ease. Beauty, a work of art that was carefully prepared by the maker himself, that is like the unfolding of a butterfly - from the cocoon to the splendor of all they were meant to be. As time goes on she continues to dazzle and bloom, like a flower that will never wilt or lose its wonder. Such thoughts bring about feelings of butterflies and smiles.

Words seem to lose its usefulness, and most certainly, does not seem to grasp the entirety of “butterflies and smiles.” In fact, our language actually shows its limitations when we attempt to describe what it is, or what it is not. Does this make words useless or less important? Certainly not, words are a great way to express yourself, communication is key, but it works best with accompanying actions. In the same way that faith works best with works, so does words work best with actions (really, it’s just about the same thing).

When you have “butterflies and smiles” for someone don’t lose it. To care so much, to be able to look past all faults, to desire the best for the person, to see only the beauty, this is precious, and this is what “butterflies and smiles” should be. As time ticks away, we will unwittingly begin to hold on to the wrongs, the hurts, and it will eat away at the love that was once there. Love will turn into grudges and eventually distaste, or even hate, because we forgot to forgive – to let go and move past a hurtful incident and recon ciliate. What was once beautiful becomes overgrown with weeds of distrust and spite, turning this breath taking garden into the neighbor’s unkempt lawn.

If you have lost your “butterflies and smiles” for the one you’re with, especially if you are married, it is time to get out the weed whacker. It is time to do some gardening and pull out the roots of distrust and unforgiveness. And if for some reason you are not able to do this, hopefully not just because you don’t want to put in the effort, then perhaps it is time to end a dragging relationship. It would be my suggestion that first you would remember what it was about the person you’re with that once gave you feelings of butterflies, and soft smiles on your face.

Let go of the past, worry not about the future, but enjoy the present, for certainly it is just that...a “present.” Thank you for giving me butterflies and smiles.

Learning each day,

Ikaika Mossman

When the Timing is Wrong

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:52:00 +0000

Have...Have you ever felt like you found someone you could really enjoy being with, but it was the wrong timing? Or perhaps, like an illusion, it stirs your heart to action, even if you are not sure if it's real or not. Confusion is the result of most illusions, so should we be confused, or should we find out if the illusion is real? Would it be right?

The aches of such timing can eat away at the heart if not dealt properly, it has been known to cause individuals to do the oddest and even the most dumbest of things. Your mind and heart struggle at what should be done...so what should be done? Do we act on our emotions, or do we do what is right and honorable?

Seeing that life is about the choices we make regarding the decisions that come our way, the best thing to do, though you may not “feel” like it, is to be integrous, or have integrity. Do what is right, even though the attraction may be strong (perhaps it is easier for her than it is for you).

There is a story in the Bible that reminds me of such “wonderfully awesome” feelings between a couple that fell for each other at the wrong time. The first was the greatest of Kings of the Israelites, King David. And the other a beautiful and breath taking women named Bathsheba - kind of like someone I know.

Kind David was a great and God fearing man, who is known for being a man after God’s own heart. But when he saw Bathsheba in all her wonders, he desired to be with her, and most likely she with him. The problem, however, was that she was already taken – married, to one of the officers in King David’s Army.

They could have left it at an attraction, or even just being friends, but they took it too far and slept with each other. It was wrong and King David and she knew it. In fact, King David got her pregnant. I won’t get into the rest of the story between them, but I will say that this act of betrayal led to murder.

When you find yourself in this situation, keep your heart still, and stay away from the person if you absolutely cannot control yourself. If you are able to, if you desire to be friends, then keep it that way. Perhaps if Kind David waited, things would have worked out later, but because of their impatience, death was the only result. Just like you and I, when we stumble upon these times, be patient and wait to see how things play out. If it were meant to be, then the two of you will have that chance to be happy together. If not, then at least a friendship and knowing that you are loved, even as a friend, or even at a distance, would have come out of this situation.

Be strong and love the one you’re with, but if you can’t then perhaps it is time to move on...

Making it through when the timing is wrong,

Ikaika Mossman

Forgive and Forget

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 08:40:00 +0000

In my last post I spoke about the how and why to forgive, but I didn't step on the topic of forgetting. It is a cliche no doubt "forgive and forget," but how many of us actually believe it, or follow it? It's hard enough to forgive, so how do we forget, or why should we in the first place?

Let me start off by saying we are all human, we've all made mistakes and unwise decisions. Some of the deepest wounds we have all faced and endured through certainly has not been forgotten. I don't care if it happened ten, fifteen, or twenty five years ago; we are human, naturally we don't forget...and if you are apart of the few who have, good for you!

Why should you forget, or even, should you forget? Yes and no would be my answer. Let me explain why.

I'll start off with why we shouldn't forget. The reason I say this is because we shouldn't be push overs, or so gullible to continue to get hurt by the same stupid things over and over. Don't forget the signs that led to how others have hurt you, but instead use it as a lesson. When you have been betrayed or hurt by either someone you don't know, or someone you loved, remember so that when and if the signs show up again, you'll be better prepared to deal with it before it happens.

Not forgetting an incident allows you to protect your heart from future acts of selfishness and stupidity from others. Though don't become paranoid at every sign from every guy or girl that seems to be sending them your way, you'll just be labeled as paranoid and crazy - not the good crazy either (and yes there is a good crazy).

If you've ever been in a car accident then you'll know what I'm talking about. Better yet, if you've been pulled over by a cop you would know too. What am I talking about? What happens right after you get pulled over and the cops let's you go with or without a ticket? You all of a sudden become super aware of your surroundings. Your eyes are always scanning the area for cops, constantly looking in the rear-view mirror like you are being followed.

The same thing should be true when we get hurt. Our hearts should now be on guard, making sure that the same thing we have just gone through won't happen again. Call if fight or flight if you will, but that is why we shouldn't forget...for your protection.

That was why we shouldn't forget, now for why we should. And the reason why we should is the same reason of the "why" and "how to forgive."
However, there is one more reason why we should forget. When I say forget, or forgetting, I don't necessarily mean that it has to be blocked out of your memory completely. I will say that if you forgive someone the forgetting part lies on you not bringing up the past. Truly I believe this is what it means to forgive and forget. To be able to move past anger and bitterness into peace, or at least a sense of it. And you can't have peace when you are holding in a grudge, or boiling over a past event.

Remember that forgiving and forgetting does not nullify what the other person has done. It does not mean you have to trust the person fully ever again too. In fact, just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that you have to even be friends with them, or like them. Forgiveness is about you, the person who's been hurt, it's about your healing, about your heart. So when you are in a relationship and the other person hurts you, whether minor or titanic, if the both of you want to make something out of the relationship forgiveness is going to be a key ingredient. Being able to move on without bringing up the past, not holding a grudge, will make the relationship work a hundred times better than it would if you just continued on with a grudge.

Forgive and Forget

Do not forget in such a way that it helps you to protect your heart, but also forget in a way in which it does not hinder important relationships that you have. Remember, life is about relationships. It is my wish that those who read this will put into practice forgiving and forgetting.

God bless,

Ikaika Mossman

How to Forgive

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:04:00 +0000

Forgiveness is not an easy decision or act to show towards another, especially when it hurts so much. People wonder, and I've often wondered myself "How can I forgive?" Especially, how can I forgive when I hate the person everytime I see them or think of them? How can I forgive them after what that person has done to me, or to my family?

When the pain is great and the wound is deep, it makes it that much more difficult to allow the healing to take place. Oddly though, forgiveness is the key for the healing to take place. Think about it for just a moment. When you get hurt and need stitches, what is the first thing you do? You take care of it. Go see a doctor right? What would happen if you were at work, needed stitches, but continued working without at least cleaning it up and protecting it with a band-aid, or duck-tape? It would just get worse, and pretty soon you'd have gangrene or get beaten up by a gang of green people...that's pretty serious.

As much as you may dislike, hate, and fester with boils at the thought of the retard, he/she is still just a human being. Retarded people need help...that's why we have clinics and psychiatrists for them, right? In all seriousness, we need to forgive so we can heal, so we can move on and enjoy this life that was given to us. Holding in unforgiveness is like poison to our bodies, it is us continuing to poke at our wounds and making it hurt when what we really need is for it to be healed. Wounds will not heal in this condition.

So how do you forgive? I said it was not easy, and I certainly meant it. It's a choice, the choice to choose that it is not worth holding in the pain of the events that took place. That it is far better to let go and not let the incident of the painful past continue to keep you down. Why allow the past, that person's stupid act, to continue to hurt you? Why give him more time than he's already taken?

Now this is the how to forgive...that it is a choice to let go of the past. However, I did not say anything about forgetting. That will be tomorrows post. Today I just wanted to let you know that you are more than worth getting over what the person has done to you, you deserve better than having past events continue to hurt you and pin you. Forgiveness is the key for your healing, not his/hers.

The "How to forgive", it is not easy, but it is necessary for healing. Your healing, I can't stress that enough, because forgiveness will begin to release you from your pain. It is your bandage, the neosporin, and the natural healing process all in one.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the "forgetting" part that often follows the catch phrase "forgive and forget." Hope you at least now have the why and how in forgiving others, whether you are dating, married, or in any other relational situation - heck even if its a stranger. The why and how still remains the same.

Take care,

Ikaika Mossman

True Love

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:07:00 +0000

True love...

What is true love? Is it something that exists just in the hearts and minds of those who with lofty hearts and optimistic views? What about finding such a person, is there just one out there for you who fits your personality, who can love you for you without ulterior motives and desires?

For anyone who has thought that they found the "love" of their life and then had their heart torn asunder, the answer is usually a hesitant yes, or a complete no. I've been down that path, and yet here I am, still believing in true love. Perhaps though my view and perspective on true love is different from the usual thoughts, and this is why I can say that.

Well, to start we should probably define what love is? How do you view love? Is it the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you finally get to meet the girl you've only known from afar? Is it being held by the man who holds your heart ever so gently?

Webster defines love as this:

1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

People love love, that's why they write about it, sing songs professing it, create poems, and engage in "chick-flicks" with their girlfriends and boyfriends. It's pretty popular, and simply put it is good - love that is.

Love is the choices we make that show others patience, forgiveness, that gives others feelings of joy and happiness, it is putting others before yourself. More than feelings, it is the choices that create good.

With that said, is there such thing as true love?

Yes, truly I believe that there is. Why? Because it exists when we choose for it to exist. Love is a choice. There are different degrees of love: Love for friends, love for family, co-workers, and the person you've chosen to be committed to. To have true love, to truly love, you have to makes the choices that will make that kind of love possible. Love doesn't just happen, it is based on the choices we make, and the choices that others make.

Hopefully by saying all of this it is easy to recognize that there is more than just one person out there who could be your true love. Seriously, if there was only just one person out there in the world who could love you for you, then it would just take one "wrong couple" to mess up the entire world. Yeah, I don't think so.

Well, that'll be all for now. Hope you learn how to make the choices necessary for true love to exist in your life, for the one you truly love...whenever they are and whenever you meet.

for true love,

Ika

How to Impress a Guy

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Wed, 28 May 2008 23:38:00 +0000

How to impress a guy

So you want to impress him...that guy you have had your sneaky little eyes on for some time. You feel like your chances are too low, perhaps even none at all. You see him at school, perhaps around town and have never had said anything more than just a “hi,” or perhaps only gave recognition glances and smiles. Probably for some of you he’s a co-worker that you admire, and that leadership quality he has makes your blood dance and your hair wiggle. He could be someone you just met online, someone you want to make a good impression with, or even a friend that you are beginning to have feelings for. Do you have a chance?

I’ve talked to several women like you and I must say that perhaps you are underestimating yourself. It is not always easy to actually have confidence and a “go-get-em” attitude, but who says that you actually have to “have” it, when you can just pretend you have it. You told me, “but that’s not me, that’s not who I am.” I thought about that and it dawned on me that you are an ever changing concept. “You” have been changing ever since you were born. So the “You” can continue to move on, progress, and change for the better even to this day.

This was the first thing I wanted to let you know before I dive any further into this topic. If you want to impress a guy, you have to allow yourself room to change. In fact, if you want to progress at all in life – man, woman, giraffe, or whatever you are, you need to make room to change and progress even further. People normally change because of some circumstance, but why wait to change when it’s to the point of where it has to be done “or else.” When you can change and progress even before the situation comes that will require it. Change is good...just like liking guys is good (by the way, I don’t like guys).

O.K There is a guy you have the “hot’s” for and you can’t get him off your mind. You want him to talk to you, notice you, or take you out, what do you do? Here’s how to impress the guy.

Were going to have to start slow, are you ready? TALK to him. Not all guys are looking for a piece of “cakeass” – I hope you understand what I’m saying. If you are looking for that kind of guy, then you are reading the wrong web page. Anyway, talk to him, make him see who you are through conversation. Of course it is always awkward to just start some random conversation, but it was awkward when you first do anything. You are going to have to talk to anyone if you want their attention. What should you say?

I hope that you’ve been paying attention to the guy you like, because it would be wise to ease into a conversation that is relevant to him. Easy things like “Did you get a haircut? Because it looks nice,” “You have a great smile,” and then add to it with some current related current event | situation | or topic. The point is to get him talking. When you can accomplish that, you will now have a potential friend, and he has now become interested in talking to you. Not a bad start right?

So talk to him. If you are really nervous or insecure about it start small. Talk to a guy you normally don’t talk to, or better yet a stranger who happens to be near you and strike up a conversation with them. Use the weather, complain about the economy, or just compliment them and build on the conversation. Practicing with someone with you don’t even like will at least help you learn how to strike up conversations and build momentum with more questions or related topics. Connecting things together and making a smooth flowing conversation doesn’t have to be painstaking. It could be like this:

*Sitting at a bus stop* Girl: Excuse me, what time to you have? Guy: It’s (___) o’clock. Girl: The bus is late again. I swear to goodness that my friend must be driving, because she’s always late too. Don’t you just hate it when your friends (or whoever) are always late?

Ha-ha! This it sounds kind of weird, but the point is to make it relevant and throwing the “ball” back in his court. I love intellectual girls, one who is down to earth and able to hold a decent conversation. I mean, if life is about relationships, then surely communication is the key to those relationships. You don’t have to be a pro or an expert speaker. You just have to practice and be aware of what you are saying so you don’t sound like some empty headed bimbo (if you were offended by this, then I am truly sorry...lol).

Anyway, speak, talk, communicate, and use body language if you have to. As I said, if you are nervous or uncertain if you can actually talk to the guy you like, practice with a stranger, with someone it won’t matter to you about if you mess up and end up sounding like a barking fruit bat with.

Last thing with the speaking part: If you are too nervous and shy to speak and practice with a stranger in person, use the internet. Some open social networking site like “Facebook,” “MySpace,” or “Asian Ave.” I personally recommend “Asian Ave,” because it just seems more open to random chatters and the likes. And Yes, showing a guy you have to cohunes to speak to him is impressive.

What else can you do to impress a guy? (maybe I should re-title this topic to “How to get a guys attention” ahhh “How to impress a guy works” works for me)

Well, there are simple things like taking a shower, dressing to impress – but don’t be too revealing, unless you like to be thought of as “slutty,” and perfume is always nice too...lol. Yes, I did say take a shower. No one likes a stink _____ (fill in the blank).

Being yourself is also a great thing, but of course most people put on their best behavior when they meet someone new. Nonetheless, try to be yourself, don’t be something you are not unless you want that to be who you are – did you like that one? It’s a part of the concept of the ever changing “you” I spoke about earlier. No one likes a “fakie” kind of person. I certainly don’t, and I don’t know anyone who does. But there are always exceptions I suppose.

In my opinion as a guy, and even with good single friends of mine, nothing speaks up like personality (someone who’ll be real and take a chance to just talk). Now after talking, invite him out with your friends, take him to lunch...give him a massage...use your imagination.

Hope that I was of some help to you, my very few readers – Grizzly B. I must say that internet marketing is certainly not easy, and that you will use my advice. It’s really simple I know, but it’s also the most effective way to get a guy. So go and impress a guy and thanks for reading “How to impress a guy.”

Aloha,

Ika

A Season for Dating

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Thu, 08 May 2008 08:33:00 +0000

A Season for Dating...

This past December, a month after I came to California, one of my dearest friends passed away from incurable cancer. He was having aches in his leg and lower back area, so we assumed it was just some kind of lower back issue. I advised him to go to the hospital to have it looked at. A couple of weeks later he passed away. If life was not difficult enough already, because my girlfriend and I broke up the month before, I was alone in a different state with no friends or family to support me. The two events were so close to each other, it was miserable, I was so depressed and hated being up here. I was filled with a lot of resentment and grief; it left me with the sensation of being powerless and deserted. I mull over that time to of been my season of mourning. Seasons - what is a season? A season is a time when something changes to another. Spring turns into summer, and summer into fall, this is a fact of life. Even places like Hawaii has different seasons, it is just less noticeable than other places in the world.

As humans, we go into different seasons; just as the landscape around us will go through various seasons. We will experience a season of being single, of dating, and often from dating to marriage. A season of joy and seasons of sorrow and even times where it feels like nothing is changing, it is unavoidable for us as humans to not experience these seasons in our life.

With every new season will come its own challenges and meaningfulness, even if some times have more sorrow or happiness than others. The important thing is that we allow ourselves to grow through each of these different times, moving forward, strengthening our weaknesses and revitalizing our strengths. What season do you currently find yourself in?

I would love to be dating right now, but I know it is not my time. I am in a season of singleness. Truthfully, I would be keen on seeing a beautiful Asian Christian woman, to grow a warm bond that has significance and is devoid of the absurd running around and BS that a lot of people call having a relationship or dating. As we all know dating can be casual, or more serious, I have constantly been the sort who takes dating as serious - that I would only try to pursue a single individual at a time. Unfortunately I know I’m not ready to date. Maybe it was all my unsuccessful relationships that helped educate me on this, but at last I see what people who care about me were trying to tell me all along. It is a poor idea to just hop into a relationship without first counting the price of what it will cost. Everybody who’s been on a date with somebody knows that there is a price that goes along with it, particularly those who do more of the paying. The first apparent thing that I would expect to come to your train of thought is that dating costs money. How will you pay for dinner and a movie without money? The next price is time – you’ll use this to find out if they are worth giving more time to, or if they’re full of themselves. Every growing relationship needs to have time invested into it. Maturity, probably the hardest thing to obtain and measure, needs to be present in any relationship...especially when dating. Are you able to handle the whole repertoire of emotions and issues that can and will come with dating? Do make sure that you are not just “rebounding” and are not still stuck on somebody else. How terrible it would be to have someone be with you while they are dreaming about somebody else. Be real with them as well as with yourself. Lastly, don’t date the first person who throws themselves at you because you feel alone. Keep to your standards, if you have any. Making someone feel special just one time and them dropping them is a real butt-head move. Don’t be manipulative for your own satisfaction and ego.

Preparing for dating...

Are your finances in order? Can you manage to pay to take your date out to dinner, or to the movies, or are you expecting them to pay? If you can’t buy a meal for yourself, you surely cannot afford the price for two. Make the time to be stable with money, instead of using your time for dating, use that time to learn about money management – budgeting, things you can do to increase your income, to basically just get you back on solid ground. Don’t put yourself in a position where you are trying to astound the person you’re dating by purchasing them things that will put you either more in debt, or make you fall behind in your already late rent. Shouldn’t dating be exhilarating? Then don’t make it something that will be stressful and burdensome on you. This is a bad idea if you’re trying to make a good impression, she’ll eventually find out. Women are looking for men who can give a certain amount of security as well as honesty, who’s capable on standing on their own feet. Just as women look for men who are stable, men look for women who are stable too, they are not looking for a person who just wants a handout. There are plenty of opportunities to grow financially; do not be afraid to ask for help, search the internet, or even pray to God and ask Him. There are agencies like Human Resources, churches, and others that are more than willing to help.

I’m not saying you have to be financially set to date, just be able to handle the cost as well as taking care of any of the financial responsibilities that you carry. In every other aspect I mention, it goes the same way. We all will go through various issues in life with many unusual life conditions. What I am striving for is a basic pre-dating outline that will be of help when you step into your season of dating. You will have to make the final decision on whether or not you are ready to begin dating seriously. Moving on...

What does your standard week look like? Is it jam-packed with work, school, a second job, helping family members, sports, etc? If you hope to date, then you must set aside time for it. Even people who are spontaneous need to make time for dating. The more you have on your plate to do, the less amount of time you will have to date period. Activities will have to be removed or shortened to set aside that time. This is a good thing, normally, until the things that are being cut back are the important gears in your life. I would hope that it was evident, but somehow it is not. Sadly I’ve watched individuals make careless decisions regarding time and activities when they begin seeing someone – whoever they are dating. Calling in sick to work, not showing up for classes, making excuses for not helping a family member or friend they said they would help is not wise for making time when you are dating. Heck, it is not wise period. If you are unable to set aside time to begin dating, or while dating, and doing so will affect work, school, or other responsibilities, then don’t do it. Cut back on other things – video games, shopping, watching T.V, browsing the internet, drinking all the time, hanging out with your friends every day, or something that won’t affect your responsibilities.

We exist in a society that loves to cut corners and enjoys instant satisfaction. The pitt-side to this is not having patience; our desires and our will must come instantly or somewhere close to that. This has led many people to become impatient, which leads them to make regretful decisions. Be wise and save yourself the time and heartache of such decisions by not allowing yourself to be so time-intolerant. Time will be saved because you will not have to go through the proceedings of having to mix that mistake, or have it made right.

As much as maturity has to deal with your time and money management, I also thought it would be wise to also stand alone in its own point. Too many times I have heard “maturity comes with time,” or that “they will change with time.” Sadly to say, but that is just wishful thinking. How many times have you made the same mistakes over and over? How many people do you know that have made the same mistake over and over? Maturity is hard to measure and it spans through many areas of a person’s life. It spans from money, to time, how one deals with anger, to being honest and keeping one’s word. Ask yourself some questions dealing with dating to see where you stand. Better yet, have a close friend who will be honest give their own little evaluation of you, ask a family member, even an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Ask questions like: Do I get angry easily? How do I deal with that anger? How do I deal with the person’s anger that I’m seeing? Do I get jealous easily? Am I controlling? Am I vengeful? Do I flirt too much or lead on when I’m seeing someone else? Am I caring? Something to certainly ask yourself too is am I still getting over someone else? Don’t jump into the “rebound” game. Again, that’s a butt-head move. Know your strengths as well as your weaknesses so that you will respond during your next season of dating rather than reacting. Be mature by thinking first, that’s the difference between reacting and responding.

It is my hope that you will take this advice and stand on solid ground as you go from being single to dating. In fact, it is never too late to grow from any season you may find yourself in. Just remember though that change will have to begin with you and the decisions you make. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Walk strong in your next season of dating,

Ika

What is Dating?

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:00:00 +0000

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth...and Dating

He then created Adam and Eve. Fortunately for them their life was pretty set in the beginning, for at least awhile that is. I mean, they didn't even have to go through the whole dating process. In fact their "dating" period is probably the shortest one ever recorded in the Bible. For the only process they had to go through was to look at each other in the eyes and "BAMMO" they fell in love, and were married by God himself. It does make you wonder though, what would of happened if Eve demanded someone better looking. Anyway, good thing God already knew what they would like...

So here we have Adam waking up from "surgery" feeling a little groggy from the antiseptics. He looks around for a bit, letting his eyes adjust to the morning light, and sees this beautiful figure laying next to him (no, it was not from a night of partying and then going home with the first hottie who would throw herself at him). Their eyes meet and it was pure ecstasy. They were innocent, pure, and remember have not even sinned yet.

Can you imagine how it would have felt to be either of them? They didn't have to go through any courtship, meeting the parents, having in-laws, or go through any online dating site. Oh yes, there was certainly no baggage from the past to get in the way. They had a very easy start. Almost makes me jealous...almost. They were a match made in Heaven.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, we probably are not that lucky to go to sleep one night and then suddenly have the person of our dreams lying next to us when we wake up.

No, we have to work, fight, bleed, sweat and sometimes even cry for the person we are attracted to, let alone date and marry. Pathetic? Maybe, but nevertheless it's true and definitely the majority of us go through it. Now to define dating.

What is dating?

Merriam-Webster defines dating as "to make or have a date with." In Urban Dictionary: "n. a form of prostitution in which sex is paid for in installments rather than all at once." - Billie Carson. Here we have a very dull definition and then an extreme definition.

We all have our own ideas of what dating is. Growing up in Hawaii dating someone was always something that was exclusive. Many of us would only see one person at a time. There were no deviations. My idea of dating was when one person saw another with no in-betweeners or side anything’s...sex may, or may not be involved (depending on the individuals values). I should probably add that this was the norm in the area I lived in Hawaii, not exclusive for Hawaii.

Then I moved to California. Before coming here, and still after, I would hear rumors that Hawaii and California were similar in many ways. My expectations of the dating culture here were the same as Hawaii's, except in actuality it was not. Though there were variations, I found much of the people I talked to and associated with to be a multi-guy or girl daters. Something that I absolutely was not used to, especially when it often involved sex, or more commonly known as "hitting it"...and other such variations of that. I personally would not give myself to a person unless I knew they were serious about the relationship - marriage serious, that's just how I grew up and feel.

Dating is really a practice for marriage. The habits you form while you are dating are more than often the habits you will bring into marriage and vice-versa. While dating you will find out what you like and what you don't like in the person you want to be with. You will see your vulnerable spots and your strengths as a partner and friend.

If you are not dating for the purpose to see who you want to be with and marry, then there really is no point in you dating. I see no other purpose to dating than just that. I suppose it could be called "testing the water." I'm not speaking about people who go around just for the purpose of sex. That is a waste of time and has no purpose other than self-gratification.

Whether you group date, or go out as just a couple, dating is always exciting and curiously fun (unless you get stuck on a blind date put together by your overactive parents...God bless their souls). Dating is meant to be safe. If ever it becomes hostile or very uncomfortable, calmly remove yourself from the situation and have a friend or family member pick you up. As cliché as it may sound, make your safety come first. Because if you enjoy dating, going out with groups of friends, and want to get married, you'll have to make sure that you will be there to do that.

In a nutshell, a very small nutshell, this is what I believe dating to be. Go get em'!

Relationships, Dating, and the Rest of Life

noreply@blogger.com (istyles) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 03:39:00 +0000

Welcome to Relationships, Dating, and the Rest of Life. This site will provide you with insight and hopefully open some eyes, as well as level the field into what is the most important area of each of our lives. I will not ever claim to be an expert or authority on topics posted, because I believe that there is always more to learn. With that said, if you have any questions, or topics that you would like to see up, please feel free to email me at istyles808@gmail.com