Relationships and Marriage

Down low brother

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 01:06:00 +0000

I recently heard the term "down low brotha." being the curious type I asked the question "what or who is a down low brotha?" The answer caught me off guard as I had never heard the term before and its meaning stopped me in my track (ok so you now know that I am from the dark, really dark ages). I have heard of bisexual men and women but what makes this particular type of person an issue is the fact that he/she hides it from their spouse or significant other. A down low brother is usually a bisexual male who is in a steady relationship with a woman but has men companions on the side with whom he has sexual relations as well.

I don't know what to make of this discovery of mine. It seems that everyday there is another issue lurking in the background that is bent on destroying the natural order of things. Yes I said natural order because two men or two women cannot procreate, the sex gland does not produce chemicals so that you get attracted naturally to the same sex. It is within this context that I say this is an unnatural situation. I cannot imagine the feeling of betrayal and despair experienced by either a man or a woman who discovers this practice. The situation is even worse if children are involved. Come on, I am by no means homophobic but if you are gay then be gay. Don't pretend a lifestyle then go as far as getting married and having children as a façade.

The difficulty is finding out who is or isn't on the down low. There are issues of trust, sexually transmitted diseases, emotional distress, envy, jealousy you name it this is a dangerous practice. I am in no position to offer advice on this. If you find yourself in this situation do not take matters into your own hands. Take your finger off the trigger, leave the container of hot oil on the counter and forget the butcher knife. In the end the hurt and pain you feel now will be minuscule when compared to the hurt and pain you will feel in prison both figuratively and literally. The scars of a prison experience will affect not only you but a wide range of issues and people surrounding you. Walk away if you can and don't look back! This would be a good time to have good friends around you for support. For the guys who experience this on the part of their women, well we tend to look at things differently. For us its a matter of our ego and nothing gets in the way of our ego more than a woman's rejection! My advice to you is the same. Instead of the hot oil and knife though I would say keep away from both triggers!

As Featured on ArticleCity.com

Female Impotence or Female Sexual Arousal Dysfunction (FSAD)

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:58:00 +0000

What's that you say? You have never heard of such a thing? well for thousands of women this issue is just as sensitive as that affecting men. Since my page is called "relationships and marriage" I thought this topic would be quite apt. I am not going to spend time expounding on the male dysfunction as I believe there are sufficient sites, publications, videos and so on about the subject. What I want to briefly touch on is the issue as it affects women in relationships.

Some websites discuss the reasons/causes of FSAD. It can result from an underlying medical condition such as high blood pressure or diabetes. It can also be caused by irritations, infections and growths in the vaginal area, or reactions to contraceptive devices. Medications used to treat high blood pressure, peptic ulcers, depression or anxiety and cancer may also cause problems. Another factor is the physical, hormonal and emotional changes that occur during or after pregnancy, while breastfeeding or during and after the menopause. FSAD is also often linked to psychological causes. These can include: I-inadequate or ineffective foreplay, depression, poor self-esteem, sexual abuse, feelings of shame or guilt about sex, fear of pregnancy stress and fatigue, dyspareunia (painful intercourse) or vaginismus (inability to have sexual intercourse).

So now that I have educated you on the topic what do you do if your partner exhibits signs of FSAD? I think there are no quick fix solutions and both persons have to be committed to finding a solution. I imagine that the men in these relationships are the least understanding and accuse the women of cheating. Eventually the relationship will deteriorate and both persons leave with lowered self-esteem. If you find yourself in this situation the best thing to do is consult a professional who can first diagnose the condition and recommend treatment. Given that the reasons are varied it may take a while but most importantly the couple must be in tune with each other. The woman must know her own body and be aware of the changes that occur throughout her lifespan. Her next problem is communicating this to her partner. Men have an aversion to listening so even though we say we listen its a farce. Some of us guys filter information being communicated to us by our women in the following order; are you saying anything that I consider important, is it logical, is it achievable, will it make me miss anything I consider priority and when do I get to eat? Well there may be variations but my point (if you missed it) is we tend to have so many other things going on in our minds that we miss what you are saying. A healthy relationship can survive anything and this too will pass. Just don't ignore it.

Buying lingerie for her

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 10:14:00 +0000

Ok so maybe it's not as earth shattering as asking for feminine products over the counter,from a conveniently deaf cashier,in a crowded drug store! But it is just as daunting. I am talking about buying lingerie for your partner. Men want to see their women look sexy but most don't know how to "buy sexy." Lets face it, this is not like buying men's underwear or an Oxford shirt. You have to use imagination, be creative and above all know the woman you are buying for! I am no expert but I would like to offer my thoughts.

1.Know her size
Yes you have to get the dimensions right. All women do not fit into the same mould ( I am referring to the mould in your head) and once you move over to the ladies underwear section in the department store, you will realize that the numbers 4, 6,8,10 and 12 may mean the difference between winning the lottery in a figurative sense and spending several weeks explaining to local media stations the spontaneous combustion of your home! If yo cant figure out what I am saying guys, then buying lingerie is a bad idea for you!

2. Know what she likes (her style)
Take the time to observe what she likes and listen (did I say listen?) yeah listen to what she says about particular types of underwear. That means actually accompanying her to the underwear section from time to time.

3.Know her body type (body shape)
Yes, women have different shapes and as such not all types will fit correctly. You don't want her to feel any less confident so this is CRITICAL. Body types include; tall/short, athletic/plus size, slim, hour glass/pear shaped and so on. I recommend going to Mr. Google or a Victoria Secret catalogue before making your final choice. Add a sexy silky robe to compliment her underwear so she feels comfortable enough to wear your gift. Its about her in the end even if YOU have ulterior motives!

4. Choosing the right texture and colour,
Silk, satin, cotton, synthetic blends all have a different feel. What you both like to feel is good to know. If she suffers from hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) then silk or satin blends may be a big mistake, unless you sleep in an air conditioned environment. The colour is by far the easiest thing to choose because you actually get to decide based on your preference not hers.

There you have it, my 4 point lingerie buying tips. Will this guarantee you a life partner? I didn't say that, but you might move up a notch in her mind if you get it right. If you didn't get it right you have outshone 90% of the other suitors she has had to reject because of this one gesture. It is win/win don't you think?

The Other Woman

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 07:09:00 +0000

Genesis 15-19 is filled with stories of incest, pederasty and adultery. One would not have expected that the bible, so openly and unfairly criticized for its incredulous stories, would produce a soap opera such as this. I will leave the curious to read but the fundamental story outlined the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. What many may have casually glazed over however, has to do with a 90 year old Abraham and his similarly aged wife Sarah. The couple had wanted children for years it seems but for some reason they could not have a child together. God tells Abraham that he will make him a father of nations as numerous as the stars in the sky.

Sarah being the pragmatist that she was, laughed when she heard that she was going to have a son. Wouldn't you? Given our knowledge of biology today it would seem almost impossible for her to conceive at this age. Yet I would not be so quick to accept science as an exact method of determining what is possible as many women conceived well above fertile age even at great risk to themselves. Nonetheless Sarah decides to acquire a child through surrogacy but not the legal kind that we are so accustomed to. She forces her servant Hagar to have sex with her husband in a last ditched attempt to fulfill her inner most desire of having a child. But not only does she force her servant on her husband, he agrees to sleeping with her! Is anyone getting alarmed at this conspiracy yet? Abraham, a man of God, who was seen as righteous before God, in whom God had established a covenant decided to have "sexual relations" with a young, beautiful Egyptian slave who was not his wife. This seems to be the first instance of "free love" that was ever recorded in history. In the 21st century we call it "swinging." The rest of the story you can read for yourself but what a soap opera? Fast forward to our own society and we find the same thing still happens and with more or less the same result. Had Abraham been alive today he and his wife would have been exposed and expelled from any church they attended. Yet is seems that God did not punish either of them for their act, why?

The lesson to take from this is that no one is infallible and despite our religious beliefs we are all capable of doing the wrong thing. Perhaps Abraham was not chastised by God because there was a plan to redeem him from his old ways or He deemed Sarah's intent as innocent (the desire to have a child over the desire to see her husband become sexually intimate with another woman). Whatever the reason I think that when a man and woman enter into a relationship with each other they must be mindful that sexual mischief is a reality. It can be committed by the woman as well as the man. Accept this as a fact of life and make efforts to protect each other from falling prey to its long talons.

Laughter

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 04:38:00 +0000

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." Mark Twain

My wife and I love to laugh, we laugh at each other, animals, memories we share and situations we create! Yes, you read right, we invent and create our own stories from scratch. She has a very vivid imagination. When she conjures up a story I can literally see it in my mind. We both have very stressful jobs so the other night she came home so tired she couldn't fall asleep. What did we do? we laughed.

There is a saying that many Caribbean people use similar to "lets cut a long story short" which is "horse dead and cow fat." Being the more scientific of the two, I asked her to explain it. Now that I am older it just didn't make sense. Why would a cow get fat after the horse died? cows don't eat meat, they eat grass. To my disbelief she created an entire fairytale around that very theme. It had us both in stitches, I was on the ground rolling, tears streaming down my face and she was in the bathroom on the floor in the same state! Mad, mad you say, well within a few minutes we regained composure and were both fast asleep beside each other.

Sometimes a relationship is just about that, being yourself. Although I think our relationship is unique and many couples don't have the level of insanity that we have, it is important to find a place where you and your partner can comfort each other. Whether it is watching television together, playing a game, playing cards or whatever it takes. Find time to be civil with each other with or without children. It will keep you safe in times of turbulence. The next thing I am going to have her decipher is the riddle "why did the chicken cross the road?" The answer is ofcourse to get to the other side, but why did she want to get to the other side? It doesn't make sense to me.......I look forward to that story.

Chosing Mr Right

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 04:14:00 +0000

Growing up I would always hear young women talk about "Mr Right." Strangely enough young men would never talk about "Miss Right." I guess guys just don't put as much thought into choosing a mate at a young age. We don't put a lot of thought into many things concerning relationships, why is that? We will have a heart attack while trying to ensure the family fortune remains liquid or go on welfare just to make the BMW X6 payments but we just will not lose sleep over who to chose for a wife. As a matter of fact we expect the women to chose for us! If you don't understand that statement, try to remember who started the conversation about marriage or "settling down", moving in together and so on. Women know what they are doing when they begin the conversation "where is the relationship going or what is this thing that we are doing? This either leads to a heart to heart discussion about your future together or end in an argument about entrapment. This discussion doesn't end on the sofa, it continues until you begin to realize or believe that this is Miss Right! So, if you thought you chose your mate think again ha!

Mr. Right is usually not the type of man you expect. You know the one who will ride into your life on a white horse, pick you up off your feet and disapear into the sunset. He is most often someone you would never have dated, or give a second thought to if given the chance. If he were that easy to find then wouldn't more women be married or in a relationship with Mr right? Love, responsible attitude, respect, compatibility and ambition are the hallmarks of the ideal man. His ability to love and respect you will ensure that he endears himself to you, ambition will ensure security for you and your children and compatibility will take care of everything else! Sure there is the odd man that has engaged/endeared every woman he has been in a relationship with, or the occasional stalker who decides that you will be his bride/girl based on a twinkle in your eye. How did that relationship work out for you? I would strongly advise my female readers to stay far away from the man who starts a statement with " from the first time I." For example, "I knew I loved you from the first time I saw you smile", "I wanted to marry you from the first time we kissed." or the classic " you had me at hello." Its all a game and we know that this is what you expect to hear. It gives us a distinct advantage.

Ms. Right doesn't exist as I said earlier, many men grow up with ideas of grandeur. For most of our lives we look for the woman who makes us the envy of other men. Then we wake up suddenly and we are in love, bam just like that. How did it happen and when did it happen? If your relationship is like, that with the woman you are with, then that is the ideal for you. If she fulfills the same criteria mentioned above (love, respect, compatibility) then you are on your way. Sometimes though it is not as clear cut as that and you may need to go through more than a few relationships to reach the ideal. Good luck in your quest for the ideal, hopefully you will fall in love suddenly!

Faith in relationships

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 21:34:00 +0000

According to the Christian account of creation man was created first, then woman as a help mate and companion. I am not familiar with Islam, Judaism or any eastern religion but chances are they all have the same basic tale.

As usual my view attempts to evoke thought and discussion about what our version of reality is. In some Christian relationships the issue of religion focuses on denomination over the quality of the relationship itself. I got an email from a friend one day which read simply " Our relationship is over, he wants me to convert to Catholicism wholeheartedly and I told him i couldn't because it goes against my beliefs" My friend wasn't seeking my help, she wanted to vent her frustration and seek comfort in having a listening ear. They broke up a few weeks later!

What do you do about religion in your relationship? For many it works perfectly well, but in this day and age where the lines that define everything moral, true and just are being systematically erased, of what value is faith to you? This is not meant for the couples who live a life without faith, this question is for those who do or are at least considering entering into one. Ironically, the women in these faith based relationships are always the "victims" or perhaps the "benefactors" of these blessings handed down by religious law. Some Mormons of Utah accept polygamy and inbreeding is common place. I cannot imagine the quality of life they experience. The Muslim women who are subject to sharia law in its extremest form are truly heroic and so too are those Orthodox Jews, Bahaist, Catholics, Hindus Adventists, Brethren and so on. The men rule in these relationships perhaps because" in the beginning God created man to have dominion over the earth and every living thing therein." I cannot judge anyone or make a decision on your life, I live my own life with my own challenges. I sit and observe the world as it turns and hope for harmony amongst men. We all have many ways to live, chose one.

What happens when Sex goes in a Marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (Raindrops) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 16:39:00 +0000

What happens when Sex goes in a Marriage?

I know a lot of you out there are saying the relationship done…but what happens if you are married for over a decade and you are so much involved with your partner? Do you leave and find someone who can give you sex and what you are now getting from your spouse? Well, based on my research the answer is…..before I get into the ‘Yes or No’ let us make a decision after what I have to say.

As one author rightfully said, “sex brings us closer together, releases hormones that helps our body both physically and mentally, and it keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple”, (Mary Jo Fay author sited from The Oracle, 2010.

To say sex goes in a marriage I am not referring to you having sex at least once per week or once every two weeks…. that is having some sort of sex just not enough. In a nutshell I am referring to not having sex for over a year until years past and all you have is a ‘very good’ relationship without the sex. Research has shown that a lot of things could have happened. You have couples who pile the daily stresses of life on like pancakes and only handle a few of them. Stresses such as babies after babies, financial struggles (this is a big one), in- laws, teenage children, partner going back to school, postpartum depression, partner not taking care of their health, work, the death of a child and the list goes on.

Studies showed “Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviours of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year. According to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University who has studied sexless marriage, sex is one of the highest forms of worship. This is where a man and a woman express themselves without words that are uncommon to human but is understandable. It is also one of the many ways a man and woman becomes one. So to not have sex whether it is the man’s fault or the woman’s fault is unfathomable.

You might say, “but I eat right, I exercise, I am just tired, please understand this is for you too, I want a better life for both of us”. Or, you can not say anything because you don’t even know what is happening to you. Even it is because of postpartum depression there is help. Maybe the woman cannot see what is happening because any form of depression puts you in another world and often times very difficult to come out without the help of a doctor, or she just lives with the depression for the rest of her life. If it is because you allow your work to consume you because you are caught up with the financial struggles of life and you want your family to have a better way of life and it allows you to always be away from your family, there is help for you too. However, the first stage of getting better is admitting that something is wrong, and then you go to the doctor for help and follow the other steps from the doctor. So when your spouse is trying to help you solve the minor problem which normally turns into this big problem (divorce) just listen and don’t think that the person doesn't care, it is quiet the contrary.

Just stop for one minute and reminisce. You fell in love with this person from the first time you heard your friend talk about him, the first date or even the first time y0ou kissed. You made beautiful children together. You have made all the challenges in your life a cactus

Look at all the thorns but still it produces the most beautiful flower that could only be found here because of its history (I once heard that history is the story about his and her). So before you are quick to say ‘yes’, do some research, reminisce and most importantly revive your relationship by getting help from a doctor. Love is not a one way but it is a two way relationship.

So to all my married readers out there, who are no longer having sex, get help one way or the other. A marriage without sex does not bring you closer together or releases hormones that helps your body both physically and mentally, and without sex the chemistry of a healthy couple goes.

Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Raindrops) — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 14:36:00 +0000

Hi All,

Relationships

I am no expert but for me every relationship should be based on God...what if you don't believe in God? Well, I am sure you believe in a Higher Being and to me that is God for you.

These are just a few questions that take us to the past, present and will have impact on our future.

Memory Lane:

Do you remember the first time you saw your love? Whether he was seen from a window or you and a friend ran to meet him. Do you remember how many times your heart beat or skipped a beat? Can you recall after you met how many times you thought of that person? how much you wanted to see that person? Can you recall how all your senses were affected one way or the other? For example, you continue to look through that window to see that person again; his scent stayed with you from the first time you met him; you hear his voice everywhere; you feel his gentle touch from the handshake that was received after being introduced and finally your appetite (taste) is all over the place because all you can do is think about this person and reminisce on the looks, smell, voice, no taste and touch.

Can you recall your first date? Meeting the man you thought about so long for a date, talked with him for hours about any and everything. Looking at his lips as they say each word ... as if you are in your first phonics class and you have to look at your mother/teacher's lips to get the pronunciation of each word, but in a different way... and wondering how soft those lips are. You hugged, held hands, laughed at each others jokes and talk some more. Can you recall how you refused everything he offered to eat or drink because you were so nervous? Can you recall how you never wanted to leave him? How each step became longer? Can you recall how many times you said good night because you didn’t want to leave? Can you recall that kiss…..oh yes that kiss that felt like you had it all?

To all who have experienced this lane but for those who haven’t it is a lane that all men and women should walk or stroll down. However, everyone that strolls down this lane will have a different experience; it will sound similar but will be different. Lovers often walk down this lane.

Moving In – The Road Trip

How many persons out there recall the real reason of moving in together? Whether it was because you wanted a roommate, a pregnancy, a marriage or you just wanted to experience the whole ‘living together’ experience. How many persons after a couple of months were perfect until the different background or life style kicked in? The whole familiarity shows up at the door and you were now uncomfortable? How many couples argued because of the toothpaste, you need to wash the face basin after every brush? Or because everything is now out of place? Or because someone has a problem with using the phone (whether too much or too little)? Can you remember those words after leaving the toilet seat up or the words that were said?

How many of you can recall your first argument? Now that you are looking back …wasn’t it foolish? Can you recall slamming the door and you wonder if it’s damaged? How many times you felt like you cannot do without this person and another time you are wondering where the love went? Can you recall how many times you’ve said I Love you, I am sorry, I miss you or even I want you? Those words are so important in a relationship.

How many times can you recall loving this person so much you feel like you are going to explode? Can you recall the first time you made love? The many different colours you’ve seen or even the different cloths you spoke about (lol)? Or even how light you felt? Didn’t it also feel like heaven? WOW!!! Can you recall the first bath together? The first time you used the toilet and had a conversation as if it was normal? Do you remember meeting the parents…did you really recall meeting them or how nervous you were?

I know this feels like a roller coaster you are up and down as you recall. Hey all, I can recall all of that and more so tune in again for the rest of my trip.

Gay parents! (Prop 8)

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 00:37:00 +0000

Proponents of the constitutional amendment argued that exclusively heterosexual marriage was "an essential institution of society" We are talking about a controversial amendment to the United States constitution that would prohibit "marriage" between same sex couples. The courts have overturned previous rulings on the issue thus clearing the way for homosexual couples to get married in California.

Here is my take on the issue of gay marriages. There are natural laws that govern our environment and no matter how much we try to distort, amend or manipulate these laws we will always come up with the short end of the stick. Gravity is one such natural law which we have tried to command. Sure we have managed to manipulate our environment to allow us to fly mechanically and when we go beyond the confines of our atmosphere we are able to "float." Does that mean that gravity as a law of nature no longer exists? What happens when the engines of an airplane fail, or our space shuttle re-enter earth's atmosphere? Procreation has laws that affect the human species. Although there are organisms that are asexual, humans are not naturally asexual. Until we evolve, homosexuality is therefore counter reproductive in nature.

The argument therefore, is not whether homosexuals should get married or coexist, rather should they be allowed to raise children in this environment. My nay sayers are beating at my door. Everyone has the right to express themselves and the right to coexist without abuse and segregation (except the farmer who wants to marry his cow). I am fully aware of the implications of segregation championed by science and seemingly well thinking, educated men. I will therefore leave the judging to those who believe they have been given the right. However, when we look beyond these fundamental rights( expression, coexisting) there are other serious issues that sociologists have to look at. In a previous article I insinuated that boys are not fundamentally different from girls. Although in my Utopian sphere that may be the case, the reality shows differently and by all indications our nurturing will not change. When the child is nurtured in an environment where he/she has two parents of the same sex he/she is in a very precarious position. Many will say that those utterances are ignorant and are reminiscent of the very bigotry I oppose, I concede yet undaunted. Do you want your child to be predisposed to a thinking that is still considered "immoral" in the very society he/she will have to grow? What do I mean? Consider the child who grows up in a family where people of African/Asian/ Middle Eastern origin are ridiculed and hunted, consider a child who is brought up in a family that believes incest is a divine attribute, consider the child that grows up to believe that getting married and giving birth at 12 is a good thing. What kind of society are we creating and will this produce a quality of life which the rest of the world envies? I was hard-pressed to find data on existing societies that have adopted these behavior as policy, could it be that there aren't any just yet? .

For now pedophilia, incest and racial segregation are illegal and unnatural. What if we decide in the year 2098 or 3000 that a father can legally sexually initiate his daughter, that a son can legally marry his mother, or a man can now have intercourse with his cow and not be incarcerated. Does any of this sound ridiculous? Where do we draw the line and do you see a need to draw a line or to determine morality? Many abandoned morality in order to practice what was once considered reprehensible, consider the early Greeks and Romans and their bath houses, consider the practice of bestiality, cannibalism and child sacrifice. Why do societies now shun these practices? If you say morality has no place in a modern society, then by what or who shall you be guided? Surely one cannot suggest that each person should make up his or her own rule in a social setting as they go along. I may argue from ignorance, but I will not accept that we do not have a moral compass that guides us. In a Christian society it is the Bible, in Islam it is the Koran, in Judaism it is the Torah. If we remove the issue of morality from gay marriages so be it, I wont be around for the social implications and consequences as the buffer of time will not permit. But there should be no compromise on the issue of raising children. They are innocent and are predisposed to a certain way of thinking on the issue of homosexuality. I don't know about you but I would find it extremely difficult if my child decided to experiment with homosexuality because it seems "cool" or because Tim has introduced it to him. Tims' parents you see are gay. Will children not experiment? sure, are they anymore likely to be gay with homosexual parents? There is no data to support or refute it. Will Ahmed grow up to be a terrorist because his parents fight as such? My point is that we cannot really know how any particular social behavior or lifestyle will alter our future. But we already have a pretty good idea of what is moral and immoral it is a natural law we cannot escape. Can someone create proposition 9 for the child?

As Featured on ArticleCity.com

COMMITMENT

noreply@blogger.com (The Weeper) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 19:38:00 +0000

"If you really love someone, you shouldn't have to work at it." That's what High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens told CosmoGIRL! for its August 2008 issue. This young celebrity was speaking out loud what millions of people privately think: Loving feelings should come naturally in a relationship, so if you have to work at it, something's wrong. But the truth is exactly the opposite: If you truly love someone, you will work hard for the relationship.

Rock or Sand

Jesus spoke of a house that was built on sand and shaken by storms, while another house was built on rock and remained unmoved. One of my greatest surprises as a relationship analyst is just how many of us build our marriages on the sand of feelings instead of the rock of commitment. But I've been encouraged to see that truly committed couples are able, with God's help, to thrive even through the inevitable storms.

Over a five-year period, a close friend sent me e-mails sharing about her struggles with her marriage. She went from daily messages that read, "I can't take this anymore!" to e-mails saying, "He is such a gift to me." What accounted for the change? Her determination.

As she now says, "A successful marriage has little to do with circumstances and a lot to do with determination — taking the word divorce out of your vocabulary and replacing it with commitment."

What is Commitment?

Commitment is a decision to have the abundant marriage God desires, regardless of circumstances or whether you think your spouse is doing his or her part. This includes:

Realizing that marriage is an unbreakable covenant before God. At weddings, Atlanta minister Barry Grecu explains that ancient Hebrew culture understood a covenant not as a contract, which could be broken, but as a binding, permanent agreement — just like the covenant God makes with us

Choosing to "do it until you feel it." We often let our feelings guide our actions, but we are actually built for the opposite. Our Creator has designed us so that when we love another person with our actions, our feelings inevitably follow.

Focusing on the good in our spouse and the sin in ourselves — instead of the other way around. If you're dissatisfied with your marriage, try this challenge: For the next 30 days, don't say anything negative about your spouse — neither to him or her nor to someone else. Every day, find something you appreciate about your spouse, and verbalize it. This marital application of Philippians 4:8 (which instructs us to focus on whatever is praiseworthy) has the power to transform a marriage. When we examine and work to change ourselves, we often bring out the best in our spouse as well.

Engaging in Christian community, prayer and discipleship — especially when you don't want to. These three aspects of the Christian life help sustain every believer, but they are particularly essential for those going through a difficult season.

Relying on God to help you act selflessly toward your spouse. As Grecu puts it, "We are incapable of living out our covenant promises in our own human strength. Jesus says, 'Apart from Me you can do nothing' and calls us to engage with the Spirit of God being lived out through us."

Is Commitment Possible?

The often-cited statistic that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce — even among churchgoers — can make commitment seem fruitless. But that statistic is misleading. Dozens of studies distinguish between couples who claim a nominal faith and those who prioritize church attendance. Couples who have a strong commitment to faith and attend church regularly are far more likely to have lifelong relationships.

One recent study in particular shows that those who go to church and pray together have a much lower divorce rate. The University of Virginia's Brad Wilcox found that regular church attendance cuts the likelihood of divorce by 30 percent to 35 percent. Wilcox's work is supported by another study by Annette Mahoney of Bowling Green State University, which independently came to a similar conclusion.

While that rate is still unfortunately high, when you add prayer into the mix, thoughts of divorce plummet. A 1998 survey by the Georgia Family Council found that among couples who prayed together weekly, only 7 percent had seriously considered divorce, compared to 65 percent of those who never prayed together.

The abundant marriage that God has designed for us is not only possible but also likely, and the journey there starts with one word — commitment.

SOURCE: FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

Humour

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 19:35:00 +0000

Men and women are different?

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:39:00 +0000

Men are from Mars women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray a relationship therapist, was published around 1995. It is a book about the fundamental differences between men and women and how we should relate to each other. It is an interesting read and I would encourage young couples to take a look at it.

On the contrary, I don't think that men and women are so fundamentally different. This is my personal opinion and not anyone else's. You are free to disagree with me if you like, but you can't take my opinion away from me. I was watching the news one day and realized that one network placed a different spin on the same story that was presented earlier on a different station. If you approach life from a philosophical perspective you realize that what you know and believe about life has always been based on the "spin" of the third party sources. Through nurturing, education, our own research and so on. Our view on relationships are no different, we were not born with a code that activates after puberty. Therefore I stand my ground that maybe men and women are not all that different after all.

Let's look at how boys and girls are treated in a social environment. There is one school of thought which says boys must learn to be tough, be useful with their hands and be productive from an early age. They are given very thin boundaries e.g it is acceptable for them to go anywhere with friends and after a certain age to stay out late. They are taught about condoms as a right of passage and that a man must have many sexual relationships if he wants to be respected by his girlfriend as girls want men who are experienced! I accept the fact that this is not true for all households but the principles of manliness remain in tact however you decide to nurture it. Girls must be caring and take care of the domestic affairs of the house. They are allowed to be social but only with other girls and very rarely made to believe that sex is a right of passage. They are given dolls because its "girly" and thus the teaching of how to be a caregiver starts from early. If you think that these gender roles are natural then reverse the nurturing and watch the results. That is, give the boy the doll and allow the girl to think that sex is a right of passage!

Portrait by Giusto Sustermans

I am grateful for my education but I find that as I get older and more educated there is a great need for me to unlearn a lot of what I have always been told. Scientists change theories based on things they can now prove. They now have access to technology that wasn't there when the theory was first tested. Stay with me, I am about to get all scientific here. In the sixteenth century Galileo an Italian philosopher and astronomer, championed "Copernicanism" which went against what every well educated astronomer of his time believed. They supported the "geocentric" view. They believed that the Earth was the centre of the Universe and Galileo did not support that view based on his own findings. Is anyone laughing yet? Did I hear you just say how stupid is that? hmmm. Granted the astronomers had the same technology he had but they were blindly following rhetoric and the status quo. But you get my point right? All our lives we are made to feel that men and women are different and we teach our children, who teach their children and so on and so on. What if we are not all that different? Clearly there are physical and neurological differences that are undeniable, however what if a woman thinks logically just as much as a man does? Would the fact that she has been taught to be more emotional have anything to do with the fact that she does actually feel more? What if we didn't tell our boys that crying is a sissy thing to do, would they somehow be more caring and emotional?

In conclusion, we may never know the truth. For as long as we continue to promote the visceral differences between male and female, we will continue to fight with each other. There will continue to be self-help books and many industries will continue to profit from the male and female differences. Many will continue to prove and disprove the idea that men are naturally non-committal, philanderers, who are simpletons that just want to talk about sex and drink beers for the rest of their natural lives. And women are destined to love them regardless!

Money and a healthy relationship

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 17:28:00 +0000

Financial Intimacy: How to Create a Healthy Relationship with Your Money and Your Mate The love of money is the root of all evil or so they say. Money has its place in every society. In the relationship it can be a friend or foe. Many say that love conquers all, and love is the purest form of human expression. Have any of you ever watched a divorce proceeding or read about a divorce proceeding in which the man or woman is wealthy? Love seems to be conditional sometimes doesn't it? I want to look at a practical approach to how couples deal with money issues in their relationships. Let us examine these issues by using hypothetical situations involving Mr and Mrs Marc Jones and Andrew and Melissa.

Mr. Jones was a high level manager with a corporate financial institution and was happily married for nearly 10 years to a beautiful doctor with a home practice. They have two children one attending a prominent private high school and the other studying medicine at a University. They take vacation twice a year and the relationship is solid. Today the VP of the financial institution calls a meeting with his top managers which includes Mr. Jones and tells them that the financial performance of their organization has shown significant improvement despite the economic upheaval. Unfortunately, the board of directors has decided to cut several positions immediately in order to ensure further dominance in the market and to improve share offerings. Mr. Jones is on that list! Six months after Mr. Jones has lost his job, he and his wife are having increased arguments over money. Mr. Jones went out and bought expensive electronics which maxed his credit card. He also spent quite a few dollars on two expensive suites two weeks before. What is a man to do when his ability to take care of his family is taken away?

Melissa listen!

Andrew and Melisa have been living together for about three years, Andrew has his own account and so does Melissa. The salaries are not pooled, whatever Melissa needs for the house she asks Andrew. In fact Andrew provides all the financial support in the relationship. Melissa spends her own money on anything she wants and enjoys the financial freedom. During an argument Andrew complains about Melissa not carrying her weight in the relationship. Over a period of time several fights and arguments surrounding money push the relationship to the edge.

Do any of these stories ring true for you? believe it or not money can destroy many years of togetherness here are some tips on making sure it doesn't destroy your years of togetherness:

Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle that was possible before the loss of income is simply unrealistic.
Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both parties.
Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understanding that there are benefits to both, and agreeing to learn from each other's tendencies.
Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.
Don't blame.
Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.
Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too. (Source Web MD)

LOVE...He gave

noreply@blogger.com (The Weeper) — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 22:15:00 +0000

Where did it all begin? Because of the profound response to this question, I forbid that love be deemed as a mere thought beneath the mushy corners of our hearts and minds. Love certainly isn't just a word to be thrown around according to our whims and fancies. Many of us may be quite familiar with the well-known passage of scripture from St. John 3 verse 16 (KJV) which states, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son..." This is the beginning of the gift of true and unconditional love! We should give serious thought as to whether someone can sincerely love his/her partner if he/she knows little or nothing of the Giver of love itself. I am sure you will agree with me in saying that the heart is filled with many emotions and among them is that of selfishness. As individuals, we more often than not seek to please ourselves i.e. # 1 - despite what others may think or feel. We unfortunately embrace the "me, myself and I" concept with the wrong attitude and we do so way beyond its comprehensible meaning.

How much do we love ourselves and to what measure do we care to have others treat us? Undoubtedly, we desire what's best for us and we also want others to respect to us and treat us with some level of regard, appreciation and thoughtfulness. Hence, in every relationship, the individuals need to give room for compromise (without losing his/her individuality). Let us for a moment consider a wife who has sacrificed her career for the sake of her husband and her children. Her husband has been the foci in being an accomplished scholar and successful businessman who found no time to be with his family; yet he made time for socializing with his own friends. It has always been his wife doing the pickups at school, making the trips for the extra-curricular activities, attending the PTA meetings, being the perfect wife and homemaker and ensuring that the children are well nurtured and cared for. And yes! his wife is also employed at a 9 to 5 job, outside of her home responsibilities! To her, the family is her priority and she anticipates the interest, appreciation and thoughtfulness of her spouse. However, he was simply too busy and too selfish to give thought to her needs.

It is no wonder that the response of such a husband indicates the lack of love for his spouse. Would he take kindly to such behaviour from his wife should the shoes be on the other feet? Certainly not! It is my opinion that when a man truly loves his mate, he would be willing to do everything within his power to make her feel secure and protected in his love. One famous artiste, Percy Sledge wrote, ‘When a man loves a woman, he’ll turn his back on his best friend if he (the best friend) puts her down. He’d give up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain’. Indeed, a God-designed, healthy relationship involves commitment, care, concern and emotion for each other – forming a bond of unity! The Song of Solomon 1 verse 2 (NIV) says, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine.” Hence, this kind of loving relationship is to be enjoyed by both parties romantically and sexually. So LOVE like the TRUE LOVER taught us to!

I shall conclude by sharing the following piece from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, 1602:

DUKE ORSINO:

If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die. That strain again! it had a dying fall: O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound, That breathes upon a bank of violets, Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more: 'Tis not so sweet now as it was before. O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou, That, notwithstanding thy capacity Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there, Of what validity and pitch soe'er, But falls into abatement and low price, Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy That it alone is high fantastical.

As Featured on ArticleCity.com

Sexual incompatibility

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 17:28:00 +0000

"Sex brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy," -Mary Jo Fay Author- Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women And Sex: What They Want, What They're Not Getting, And Why

Good day my bloggers! lest anyone misunderstand this topic is not about "fitting parts" of the human sexual anatomy. Rather it is a take on a subject many men and women ignore over their life. You may hear statements such as " oh , we just grew apart", " we were not right for each other" " we lost attraction for each other" all code for sex, sex,sex!! I dare you to prove me wrong.... I would like to delve into this some more and hope you come along with me for the ride, no pun intended.

It's hard to come up with a single definition for sexual incompatibility. From my research the cause and effect factors are too numerous to mention in this blog alone. But simply put, sexual incompatibility is a kind of misfiring that happens when a couple decides to engage in sexual intercourse. For example, one partner's sexual fantasy out shines the other. Mary is always coming up with sex games and role playing while Mark tends to dismiss these games as frivolous and does not get turned on by them. Mark likes to have sex while they watch porn, but Mary finds porn repulsive and so the act of love making takes the form of a duty rather than mutual desire. You get the picture, be careful though these things are only a problem if the couple considers it so. If Candice prefers to have sex once a week and Brandon prefers 8 days out of a 7 day week, it does not constitute incompatibility if Brandon understands and accepts Candice's level of desire.

As a young person growing up in the Caribbean I used to hear my friends talk about "puss in bag" when they tried to get women to have sex with them. This means that they want to test the girls sexual ability before getting into a relationship with her. Ofcourse this is a simple ploy and many fell for it in those days. I used to also hear it in adult relationships too. The women wanted to make sure everything worked before committing to a lifelong relationship. Needless to say ninety percent of the time everything functioned as it should and nine months later everyone is in a quandary. The woman/girl is kicked out of school, ostracized by peers, family and parents alike, the guy takes on a "godlike" persona and gets a slap on the wrist for successfully passing through the right of passage. This is not the kind of incompatibility I am referring to.

Do you feel a connection when you are in that most intimate of sessions with your partner? Are you wondering if he will finish soon because the dinner needs preparing? or are you wondering if she knows about Marylin your neighbour? Indeed compatibility is defined by the couples themselves. Only you know what works for you and if you communicate this to your partner they should express the same level of eagerness. If it doesn't work for you then you either make the choice of leaving the relationship or tempering your own desires to meet or suit those of your partner, its as simple as that. Lets throw in the socially acceptable act of abstinence into the mix. You may ask how can I get to know these things about my partner if I remain abstinent? Oooh....good question. No I am not going to advocate promiscuity. Communication plays a big part in sexual compatibility. Express yourself to your partner so that he/she knows what you are about before you show them. If anal sex is a big turn on wouldn't you want to know before you commit to him/her especially if this is something that is expected in your relationship?. You can remain abstinent in a relationship for a while, which might actually save you years of embarrassment and unhappiness. Spend more time getting to know each other rather than just having sex! On this note, a child of 13 or 14 knows very little about life therefore making a decision to become sexually intimate with a boyfriend/girlfriend is risky and potentially scarring. Getting all the education you can is the first important thing, talk to older people, read and research so that you can make an informed decision and prepare to live with the consequences, or for my religious friends just pray about it. We need not hide behind the vale of threats and bodily harm to our children. Not talking to them about sex and sexuality do more harm than good. Telling them to only focus on a good education will not make them miraculously not have sexual desires. Look at where you ended up and think about what you learnt about sex and from whom.

Communication, intimacy and compatibility go hand in hand. A lot more women than men are able to execute all three. The reason for this is not within my purview to discuss. From my perspective, sex and sexuality for men is a simple act and needs no complication. "Honey, lets do it tonight bcuz I need to release some tension hehehe!" Selah

A woman's infidelity!

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 15:51:00 +0000

Seduce Me! Why Men and Women Cheat

Why do relationships have to be so hard? In Genesis God created Adam and Eve and apart from the little squabble between Cain and his brother Abel, the relathionship seemed alright for the most part. Adam toiled in the hot sun (no thanks to Eve by the way!)and looked after the animals while Eve looked after the cave, her bad-breed son Cain and his siblings who came along after a while. What a boring, monotonous relationship that must have been, yet this is the marriage we have been told we are to love and live as a couple. "For this reason shall a man leave his mother and father and cling to his wife" or something like that. In essence marriage or relationships between a man and a woman should remain just that, between one man and one woman.

OK, so the spin here is not what you would expect given my infinite wisdom as the Oracle, men are usually the brunt of every feminist attack since King David decided to have a little sexual indiscretion with Bathsheba, while he sent her husband off to the front lines to die for his country. Such relationships are unheard of in this day an age!. No, I am not going there, that's too easy. My question to my readers is, can a woman love her husband/boyfriend and have a relationship with another man at the same time? We know that men can have several relationships at the same time because they commit to none of them. Women on the other hand have an emotional guidance system that was created by an unknown being! So when they commit to a relationship they REALLY commit, infidelity therefore is infrequent

Let us not kid ourselves women cheat, whether frequently or not is irrelevant. They do so for many reasons and these reasons surprise my male friends. Emotional crisis in a relationship will drive a woman to cheat. An existence of emotional vacuum is alien to women, they feel everything. When their partner remains distant, does not communicate, does not show affection, stays out late with his friends (i will call no names) or is just absent from her emotionally, Joe is just around the corner. When her partner abuses her emotionally by belittling her, destroying her self esteem, laughs at her love handles and make remarks about her body, Joe is walking up the proverbial steps. Surprisingly, despite all of this their emotional gene does not allow them to leave or treat their spouse in a similar way , weird! They continue to be loyal although the arguments grow and the anger builds. It usually takes several years of this constant distress before any kind of alternative action is sought. Even then they immerse themselves in work, school, raising their children anything to keep the focus away from how their spouse makes them feel. Then there is the physical abuse (rape), domestic violence as it is called, is more common in today's relationships than ever before. When things that make a man feel manly slowly deteriorate, domestic abuse increases. Does this push away the woman? No! she stays with and stands by her man through it all, dispensation of emotional maturity is super human I tell you, super human!

He is all mine

So what happens when a woman meets Joe who is now knocking at her door ( hehe)? Joe is everything her husband is not, he comforts her, talks to her in ways her partner never did and he gives her a feeling of emotional security. Remember the Lord has ingeniously made it so that she cannot feel a need to leave her relationship with her husband, but in the circuitry she has such a capacity to love, again unfathomable to most men, she gets attached to Joe. As the days, weeks and months go by her love and emotions become indistinguishable between her longtime partner and Joe. She may even eventually think of him as her husband too! The final sacrifice she makes is to commit her body physically to him, the die is cast and the two become one person for her i.e her partner and Joe are one! Are you following me? Its complicated I know but I have sat and researched it, this is the only thing that makes sense to me. There is the odd occasion that infidelity starts off as a fact finding sexual mission, or a mission to spite but eventually infidelity leads to an emotional attachment. Then there are the mutant females amongst us who defy any logic that I have just expounded on. These are the most dangerous amongst our species, isn't evolution a female dog?

Rape in marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (The Oracle) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 22:04:00 +0000

I thought about this one day after mentioning it to a friend. we were going over topics for the blog site and I thought this would make an interesting read. So let the onslaught begin!
What is wife rape? according to one Internet source "Wife Rape is the term used to describe sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will by a woman's husband or ex husband." Using that broad definition it would seem to be cut and dry, no questions asked. In the context of a male dominated society and from a religious aspect the black and white change to shades of gray for many couples.

Well can a man rape his wife? the act of forced sex is certainly unwelcome in any situation but is it correct to call it rape? I don't think the debate is whether it is right or wrong but whether it should be classified as rape. Rape carries with it punishment up to and including lengthy imprisonment. In the same way that murder is classified by different terminologies such as manslaughter, first and second degree or involuntary manslaughter, rape should also be categorized in the context of marriage. After all the burden of proof will still rest with the woman (however unfortunate that may be). In empowering women in this way men can easily be wrongfully accused as is evident in many cases where women decide to use this as a weapon. It will define the man as a sex offender in some countries and may stain his reputation for life. Many men believe that marriage gives them permission to have sexual relationships without prejudice. Often times you hear men exclaim "but you are my wife!" so there is already an expectation of certain functions within the context of marriage. Women expect their husbands to provide for the family, share their emotions and provide security. In other words the man and the woman both have specific "functions." If you disagree with that statement explain why women get so upset when men don't fulfill their "manly" duties? Even more annoying for women is the notion of the "maamaa man" who is afraid of everything and says yes to all her demands and provides no masculine support. So before the women launch off in my bare flesh, nails sprung and teeth gleaming, take a step back and think about it.

What should I do?

The church has a lot to say on the issue of the rights of a woman in the sanctity of marriage. In essence the woman is to submit to her husband( Ephesians 5 v 22) [endure abuse and humiliation,except adultery]. There are many in Christendom who take serious issue with divorce and many in the clergy who strongly believe the woman is the property of her husband. Now, the Christian pundits among us will quote scripture that speaks to there being an equal responsibility one toward the other. I can assure you there is an equal amount who will contradict the notion that a man and a woman are equal in marriage. So what is a woman to do if she is a Christian? Her faith dictates that she is to submit to her husband in every way. She honestly believes therefore that although he forced sex on her, it is not right for her to lay charges against him. Will we judge her and say she is a fool? What right do you or I have? In Judaism I believe it was acceptable once upon a time, to have wives. Today that is illegal in the Judo-Christian society. But in the context of that era, a woman believed that having other women share the bedroom with her husband was so ordained. She couldn't go to the high priest and lay a charge of adultery. Some religions provide many with the belief that a woman has no right in a marital commitment to say no to her husband. He is brain washed from a a child to believe that as a husband he has a right to his wife's body. Forced sex in a marriage although reprehensible, should not be registered as rape but should be defined under some other term in law. On a side note I would consider this an act of aggression and domestic abuse, any woman who experiences this should seek counselling. (statistics and facts)

As Featured on ArticleCity.com