relaxfunx

Happily Ever After

2012-01-25T23:01:00.000-08:00

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' 'Ever since that night we never had any problems.' 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here-you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' And they lived happily ever after.

Shadey Git

2012-01-25T23:00:00.001-08:00

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

Try to have fun

2012-01-25T22:59:00.001-08:00

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

Beaut Cure for a Headache

2012-01-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

Season Ticket

2012-01-25T18:49:00.000-08:00

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

First-Job

2012-01-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

ATM

2012-01-25T09:55:00.001-08:00

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

WHAT ABOUT HIS HANDS?

2012-01-25T09:49:00.001-08:00

WHAT ABOUT HIS HANDS?

The father showed his son a picture of football player "X" and said:

- This talented player can score with both his head and feet. He is quite a scoring machine.

His small son naively asked: _ Dad, so what about his hands?

WHOSE YARD DID YOU PLAY IN?

2012-01-25T09:48:00.001-08:00

WHOSE YARD DID YOU PLAY IN?

Seeing her husband come home from a Football match, the wife asked:

- How? Did your team win?

The husband was joyfully showing- off:

-We sure did win. We had an easy situation because we played in our own "back yard.”

- So, whose yard did you play in?

YOU'LL HAVE TO PLAY IT QUICKLY

2012-01-25T09:47:00.001-08:00

YOU'LL HAVE TO PLAY IT QUICKLY

The Football Player was coaxing his two- year old daughter:

-Please stay home to enjoy the time by yourself. Your mother will come straight home after work.

- So, where will you go?

-Ah, daughter. This afternoon I have to attend a Football competition match. Be a good girl and stay home and I'll buy cakes for you when I come back.

-Yes! But you'll have to play it quickly and come back home to me because I'm afraid when I stay home alone!

I ONLY WANTED TO ASK HIM

2012-01-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

I ONLY WANTED TO ASK HIM

A football player, who had chased a football referee, was accused of trying to beat him.

- Player "A" had already ran after the referee and beat him and you were running after the referee to beat him too, weren't you?

- No, .... well, yes, it's true that I was running after him but, in fact, I only wanted to ask him if he was OK!

TRADING BALLS UNLAWFUL

2012-01-24T23:50:00.001-08:00

TRADING BALLS UNLAWFUL

After reading an article about a case of buying and selling football bets in a "Football" Newspaper, a little girl asked her friend:

- They say there is a group of people arrested because they buy and sell Football bets. What does "buying and selling Football bets" mean?

- Ah... Uh... Maybe it means they trade the balls illegally.

A DIFFICULT SITUATION TO SOLVE

2012-01-24T23:49:00.001-08:00

A DIFFICULT SITUATION TO SOLVE

The football match between two children's teams became "white- hot”. Suddenly a little player ran to the main referee and said:
- Uncle, I want to make water.

HE IS HAVING TANTRUMS AGAIN

2012-01-24T23:47:00.001-08:00

HE IS HAVING TANTRUMS AGAIN

A player was slightly bumped by a member of the opposing team. The player turned round and round with a pained look on his face. His mother, watching the game, laughed and said to the player's wife:
- You see, your husband is having one of his tantrums again, just the same as when he was young. I understand his temper

2012-01-24T23:37:00.000-08:00

WHY DIDN'T YOU REFUSE IT?

After the Football match, a player went home with a sorrowful face.

His surprised wife asked:

- Why are you so sad? What's the matter? He answered sadly:

- Today I got a Yellow card.

- So, did you want to get it?

- Of course not. The wife was upset:

- If you didn't want to get it why didn't you refuse it? But you did accept it, so now you are sad.