reluctant immigrant

I hate when people lie to me

2022-01-29T07:30:00.002-08:00

I hate when people lie to me. I hate when I have to lie to people. But what I hate the most is when people lie and I believe them.

People lie for different reasons. When they are scared or embarrassed. When telling the truth sound unethical. Especially at work. You cannot say to your coworker that he is a noisy jerk, an incredible moron, a skunk (poor skunk) and looks like a scarecrow in his dirty baggy jeans/ slacks and worn sneakers. His feelings will be hurt and he might go to the manager and complain and who is going to be reprimanded or even fired? Absolutely! They might no even tell you why you've been fired. Again it is unethical to tell you the truth in that sense.

It happened to me before. The only thing I told my mean and sly coworker: mind your own business and leave me alone. Just that, nothing else and she complained about me to the management. I do not know, what exactly she was telling but they made my work there living hell, watching me closely, giving me the worst assignments possible, treating me with contempt. All that stuff and after two weeks they just dismissed me. Got rid of a troublemaker. No one even bothered to talk to both of us and find out, what really happened, because in reality nothing happened and I am not a troublemaker at all, just do not have that in me. I sincerely hope that one day this girl will show her true colors to the people and she'll get what she deserves, nothing more.

And I am back to my story. You cannot tell your manager, that he is crazy unthinking idiot, who lost his brains in translation and his mother probably dropped him from the crib in a very tender age and he'd better stop boozing and smoking that much and lose a couple of pounds too. You'll get fired faster than you can say mamma and they are not going even to cover the excuses with some fluff like restructuring or downsizing this time, as the only one who is going to be downsized is you and your valet. You do not expect to be hearing the truth in any official office like a bank, insurance or medical, they would tell you what they are trained to tell. I do not even know if they are going to tell you at the medical office that you are going to die soon if you are terminally ill or something. In that case I probably agree that they should not. Because you might not die exactly as they "planned" for you anyway, they should not ruin you hope, because feeling doomed might kill you faster than any disease.

If you believe in yourself and your power you are capable to survive a lot. People do that every day; it's called miracle of a human spirit and it works. And words can materialize, so do not say to your naughty kid, that he is a lazy idiot, he might become one and never tell your daughter that she is too plain and ugly to be somebody, she might believe you and spend her life in misery, sickness, unaccomplished, poor and plain...ugly.

First time people meet you they see your face. Second time - they see your soul. If they are capable to see that far. It's much harder to take in the lie when society does that to you. Nowadays with all that virus around you have to trust somebody, but whom? If vaccination works fine, why we are still getting sick, why not everybody get vaccinated to prevent spread of that bad thing, lethal thing for most people, if again that's truth. We keep businesses closed, people cooped inside. Why I still have to wear a mask, if I am vaccinated and I am. I am not taking any chance, believe me. If everything I am told about virus is true, it's not a joke, but then... Is it really true what we've been told or is it a big fat lie? Who can tell? You have to trust somebody. I am trying to do just that.

Do you want a good advice? Or what to do with pigeons on your balcony.

2020-08-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

I am not good at giving advice. I usually think that there are people who are more experienced and sophisticated than me for that. May be that's true, may be not. May be we all have to share our experiences in life - good or bad. That way we can make somebody's life easier and may be help other people a little or a lot. It depends.

When I moved to the 8th floor in my current apartment I never thought that somebody lived on my balcony before me. I put my glass table there and couple of chairs and a convenient shelf on wheels to put some decorations on my balcony. I had an artificial flower in a basket I put that one on my balcony too.

And then they came - pigeons. Looks like a nice bird until you know better. They started to mark their territory right away with lots of poop - on my shelf, near my flower. They avoided my glass table though and that gave me an idea. I bought several cheap mirrors and put them around on my balcony so any pigeon who sits on my balcony will see his reflection in one of my mirrors and probably will think that there is another pigeon there already and will try to avoid contact. They don't like to fight and always give space to each other I think.

I am still do not have enough mirrors to cover all my balcony but most territory with mirrors they try to avoid. I still need two or three mirrors and then as my friend says - I need put some coffee and cookies so my pigeons can have a party there. But seriously I think it works nicely. I have much less invasion on my balcony and they all try to avoid mirrors.

Do you think it's a good idea or am I totally nuts?

What to do with homeless people?

2020-05-21T15:16:00.001-07:00

We have so many homeless people on the streets of London, Ontario that it becomes unwelcome even to walk on some streets around downtown, especially near the building where I live now. You better look at the sky instead around you. May be you'll see a flying saucer as on my photo that was made a couple of years ago - just a 'flying' street lamp I call it.
I moved to a new place in December of last year. This new place is bigger, better(warmer for sure in winter) and everything is better but this area is full of people who by their look are homeless and spend all their time on the streets or around soup kitchen. And we have constant broken windows around especially if that business is closed .
I don't think we as a civilized society (are we?) have to have so many people who look unhealthy, dirty, lost and abandoned by society and themselves and totally not capable to take care of themselves. But what as a society can we do? Good question. My friend suggested to collect everybody who lives on the street and send to North Territories. But I don't think this solution is adequate. As a matter of fact it has been done in my old country too. Authorities would collect people they don't like and send to Siberia to survive if you can (happened in years 1930 and up). Most of them just died there. If we need to eradicate homelessness we need something better and more civilized. But what?
Most of those people are young and should have some help from their parents or somebody else I think.We should be able to have some jobs available. I don't know if it's possible to organize jobs with some positive result as that problem becomes bigger every day. Soon I will be thinking about moving somewhere else if we are going to have them more and more in this area. Some are probably on drugs judging by their behavior, some are just gave up on normal life.

And what is normal life?
As I understand this first of all you have to have your own place to live. Rented or not it is still yours if you take care of it and pay for it. It is yours and you do not have to live on the streets as it is not save and not comfortable and not healthy but for some reason accepted by so many people right now. I am not saying rich people, please, give your money to poor, no, that has been done in my old country at one time with terrible results for society, but we cannot have people living on the streets, we should not, not ever.
Is there any solution for that problem? I think we have to analyze what they do in other countries and may be adopt some of their ways of dealing with homelessness. Lots of shelters is not a good solution either. You have to have your own place to live in and take care of it and be proud of it. Even as I said it's just a rental place as not everybody can buy a house or an apartment. And if you are sick and cannot live alone, you should live with somebody who can help you. Again society has to help people, not just throw money on them as many people don't appreciated that anyway and spend money wrong way - on drugs or endless lottery tickets hoping to win big. And then they go to soup kitchen and to shelter because they do not have money to buy food or pay rent.
May be we have to start teaching at school how to avoid homelessness so at least future generation will be smarter and more adaptable in our society and will be able to create normal life to themselves. May be we should teach kids how to buy food you can afford and pay rent. Some people don't know how to do even that. And then we do not have to boarder our windows anymore. Will it be nice?

Why I left Toronto and do I regret it?

2020-02-15T06:56:00.002-08:00

From my files - flower that blooms in winter every year

Today I want to talk about that unlucky people who do not have enough money to buy their own place where they feel at home and where they can live happily after that. Unfortunately I belong to that category too. I never had enough money to buy my own place and though at one time my husband and me had our house that brought us nothing but lots of debts and lots of unnecessary worries and I don't want to talk about that now.
Let's talk about renters.
I've been living in Toronto, Ontario for many years since my emigration to Canada. Different years but not very happy some of them. Well, everything was okay until I got sick and could not work and could not afford my two bedroom apartment anymore. And I could not afford one bedroom or even bachelor any more. And my 10 years waiting for subsidized place did not give me any results. I was told by authorities that I need a paper from my doctor that I will die in a year or two and then I might get a subsidized place of my own. How do you like that? My doctor did not give me a paper like that. So I had two options - to kill myself right away or to move outside Toronto where I can pay less for my place.
I tried Oshawa, Barry. I still naively thought that I can live close to Toronto. No such luck. It was difficult for me to travel around after stroke, as it took me almost 6 months before I was able to walk again - more or less. I found one place in Hamilton but I did not like it as it was in a rather noisy area close to downtown. I did not want to live on the streets so I kept looking.
Finally I found an apartment in London, Ontario that I was sure I could afford and moved there. It was the best decision for me and I think for anyone who is not working for some reasons that kind of move can be a good decision as rental prices in Toronto are close to astronomical now and go up every year. Of course if you have a good job and can afford Toronto it's one thing. But if you are struggle every month to pay your rent, you have to think about it and may be move from Toronto for good. Life in Toronto brings more fun but can you afford it?
Nowadays we have Internet and phone to keep us connected to people we love so distance is not a problem. It's just a habit as I think - to live in a certain place and of course - there are some problems living in a small city. You still have to have a certain income, pay your rent, and in a large city there are much more places to go and see something interesting. Lake Ontario is a great attraction too. I miss it here in London. And there are not enough doctors here in London. Other than that - not much difference. Lots of quiet places, green and comfortable here if you find a right place to live. I am okay and no regrets at all regarding my move. I am happy here.

Should we be hungry and homeless? What do we care about?

2019-12-09T14:10:00.000-08:00

Summer in Stratford, photo by me. Like my native town - small and cosy.

I grew in a small town in Latvia. As in any small town people knew each other. My mother was an ordinary schoolteacher. She taught some elementary school kids until she grew tired of it, got another diploma in mathematics and started teaching high school kids; it was more difficult and more rewarding.
She knew most of the people in our town. After 35 years of teaching, you could say that she taught 90% of population of our small town. She was very good as a teacher, and kids and their parents loved her. She always tried to do her best professionally and to help students in her class to succeed. My mother never had much money (teachers at that time in my old country were paid very little). But, if a student in her class did not have a winter coat and his parents could not afford to buy, she would go and buy it for him/her and pretend, that school bought it for him. She did not want any personal gratitude, just to help. It was not fair for a child to be cold in winter.
Society was very poor at that time. People struggled just to survive. There was no social help in any way. If you are sick and cannot support yourself and your children that means, you are pretty much down the drain. It is very nice, when society gives sick and needy people a lot of support, the problem is human nature, I think. If you can get something for nothing, you start abuse it and then there is not enough for those who really need it. You would probably say: what’s your point? Well, I cannot help thinking: In that nice and clean and civilized country I live now we have such a diversity of social positions and such abundance of everything. Just go to the nearest shopping mall with lots of lights, sea of colors and smells and things you can buy or taste or just enjoy looking at. Among all that abundance why there is still hunger and poverty? Is it our negligence or helplessness? Where are all our numerous charities? Is somebody really helping people? I do not know.
When my kids and I came to Canada I had just $5 dollars in my pocket and we really struggled at first. Never ever anyone from a single charity came to us and said: here you are guys, here is some relief for you, some help for your kids. But they where knocking on the doors very often, asking to give money for charities! Well, we survived, we never lived on the streets homeless or without food or clothing. I worked any job I could possibly put my hands on and I am not bitter now, just curious. May be I do not understand something, may be I am too stupid or naive. I do not know. But same as my mom I think it is terribly unfair, when money goes first.
Nobody in a civilized society should be hungry or homeless, or abused, never mind what circumstances are. It looks like in this country if you have a problem, you have to cry pretty loud before somebody will hear you and even louder before somebody will listen. Again it probably sounds too pessimistic and bitter and I do not want it to sound like that. Still correct me if I am wrong.
People used to worry about their reputation. Now they are worried about their credit score! As long reputation. Now they are worried about their credit score! As long as your credit score is above 680 and you are paying your credit cards off on time, you are a good person. You can rent a nice clean apartment with air conditioner and nice view. You can even buy a house, even without a down payment sometimes. You can buy or lease a nice car with good loan attached to it. With a new car you can find a nice new job if you try. The rest is to follow. Okay, another scenario: your credit score is bad, very bad. You somehow made a terrible crime: lost your credit for some reason.You cannot buy a car: they do not want to give you a loan. Of course you can always buy some old rusty junk on wheels, but what about your image? You cannot possibly go to a good well-paid job driving that falling apart piece of you know what, can you? You see my problem, I am sure. Money somehow always scores. You cannot rent a good apartment, they checked you credit score: no, sorry. Money goes first and nowadays credit score goes before that. You have to be “clean”, or society is not going to trust you.
So where is the way out? Some suggestion: rob the bank; poison your rich uncle (no uncle? Get big insurance on your husband/wife and make it look like an accident), pretend that you have money, work 2-3 jobs at once, die working, or get a stroke like me, do not buy toilet paper, kick your kids out when they are 16-teen, let them take care of themselves, you have enough worries of your own! Have 10 credit cards, pay 20-30% interest on time, check your credit score every month, sue your neighbor, sue Tim Horton’s, sue somebody. Pretend that you are sick and feeble and get disability and work 2-3 jobs at the same time under the table… Did I miss something? No? Good. Is there still some place left where you still can talk about enjoying life, about pride, dignity, generosity? You are not interested? No time for that? I thought so. Thank you. Have a great day and don't forget to check your credit score and your bank balance at the end of the week.

How to survive when your life takes away everything from you, even lemons...

2019-06-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

Now it is summer of 2019. I was seriously ill, have been at the hospital for some time, almost said good bye to my life but here I am still alive and kicking. Life goes on so far and so is my blog.
What should I write about? I want to speak about difficult times. What should you do when bad things happen to you? And they do happen sometimes unfortunately.
When my husband had a stroke at 2006 I thought my life was over. In a way it was. That life I had before was indeed over but a different one started. When you are still breathing and walking you have to do certain things, you have to survive. Even if you think you cannot tolerate your life anymore. But you have to survive if other people depend on you. You get up and go and do what you have to do and when you cannot stand it anymore you just ... write poems. That's what I was doing then. I would sit or lie down with a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and I would write limericks and do not ask me why. It was my way out. My tiredness and negative emotions would dissolve in my creative outburst and my creative outburst would give me some relaxation. Funny how life turns around unexpectedly sometimes.

There lived one old dame in Siberia,

Every night in her dreams she saw Beria.

Doctor gave her some pills, after swallowing that

She was dreaming about her young neighbor instead,

That silly old dame from Siberia!

That creative writing helped me to survive my husband's disease, my 3 jobs I had to have before I started getting disability payments for my husband and lots of other stuff your broken life presents you with. I could start smoking or drinking as some people do when they have unbearable problems in their life but instead I created something that normally I didn't do and couldn't do.

There lived that peculiar Miss Yvette,
She imagined herself as a pussycat.
She grew up some whiskers and sewed up a tail,
Tried catching a mouse and completely failed,
That unlucky cat, Miss Yvette!

Recently I found those limericks and collected them in one place on my computer. They remind me about bad times but for some reason I cannot delete them. So, what do you do when your life takes away everything from you, even lemons? You create something you've never had before. It's not lemonade but might help. It helped me for sure.

Winter is so close, be ready.

2018-11-09T07:09:00.001-08:00

Yes, winter is very close. I used to love it. Winter means snow and holidays, skating and skiing and throwing snow balls at your friends and so much more. Winter is like a different world and not just weather.
I grew up in a small town in Latvia with not much traffic or pedestrians. I could get out of my house, put on skis and just walk to the river that was not that far from my house and I ski there on its snowy banks. On a very cold month part of the river became frozen but I was never allowed to skate or ski there and I understood from early age how dangerous river can be, even if it looks frozen and safe. And we had a good skating rink in town and I used to go there though sometimes I just skated on a frozen road near my house that was almost as slippery as a skating rink but much more dangerous because of traffic.

   In my country at that time they did not put salt on roads just sand and you could always see if road had sand on it or not. Of course less traffic means less sand and more ability to skate there or ski on a side of it. Children always find ways to have some dangerous fun and parents have to work.
   In summer all I usually had was 3 months of holidays - no school, that means swimming, sunbathing and lots of reading. I usually read all books that were assigned for the next year for your reading at school, other books that I liked to read and sometimes when my parents would send me to my grandparents to the country where there was no books other than some old gardening books - you can guess. From early age I knew how to grow fruit trees at least in theory - I would read anything if there is nothing else to do.
   In winter it is quite different. After lots of outside activities in snow it's so nice to stay in a warm place with a book and a cup of tea. I still like it, I mean the second part, staying outside and playing with snow is not for me any more. I still try to go out and walk but here in London, Ontario we do not have a lot of salt on the pavements and the prospect of falling on a slippery road does not give you much needed enthusiasm.
I am not a big fan of gyms but something needs to be done this winter. Last winter I fell once on ice - very lucky I should say as I had some bruises but nothing was broken and I like that but you cannot wait for luck every time, you have to work for it. Anyway. Warm hats are ready, warm coat is in the closet, boots, gloves,scarfs - lots of scarfs any size and color. All we need some snow and frost and adjust our activities according to season. And if you do not have time to enjoy winter everyday, find time on your weekends to do that. It's just another season and a long one in our climate with its good day and bad ones as any other season. Please, try to enjoy it. I will.

Autumn is here, are you ready?

2018-09-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

I always feel kind of sad when autumn comes here in Canada. It always hit you with cold rain, suddenly cold weather and after couple of days it's warm again but you cannot trust that warmth any more, you know what is coming and soon, may be even next day.
   Winter is very unfriendly here. You should expect snow and lots of it, low temperature, slippery pavements in case you have to walk a lot and I do, and sometimes some kind of sickness or weakness without a reason and in that case you need something to support your system and not to give up. If like me you do not have to get up and go to work anymore, you still need to follow some kind of time schedule for everything - sleep, eating and most important exercise every day. If you do not like going to gym, you still can have some small equipment at home, like a rubber ball, jumping rope or hula-hoop and you should use it every day. Some jogging before breakfast helps too.
   Due to my affliction, I like to call it that, as I do not like word "disease", I cannot jump or jog, but I still do lots of exercises with light weights and a ball and walk twice every day, even around my apartment in winter when it's too slippery. Last winter I was sick with cold only once and very lightly and I think my exercises and total regime helped.
   Of course when you have to sit at your desk all day 5,6 days a week, it's much harder to keep your health, especially in winter, but still some active exercise after work or before can greatly help. I am not going to mention a good diet. Everybody nowadays knows how important that is. I have a bottle of vitamin C on a shelf in my kitchen and cannot imagine start my day without it.
I do not like vegetables for some reason but I blend and drink them with some nut milk or plain water because I know how important natural vitamins are. In my life I saw people who ate mostly meat and remember how terrible they looked because we need fresh grass same as animals, may be just different grass. In order to stay healthy by eating meat mostly, we have to eat preferably raw meet by catching wild animals like rabbits for example and eating them right away, while they are still warm and civilized people cannot do that, that means we have to eat grass (vegetables) too and lots of it and if we want meat - free range or grass fed animals are the best. And if you cannot afford such meat, you stick to eggs, less expensive fish and some grains with no butter or sugar in it. That's what my life experience tells me to do and I am trying to follow it. Of course sometimes on a hot day you want some ice cream, cannot blame you...
   So, enjoy good days of autumn, don't fret over bad days - more will follow anyway and check your closet re winter boots and jackets and hats, you'll need them soon. I am out for a walk.

Dog is your friend, but are you his?

2018-08-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

They say in my old country that dog is your friend and I see lots of dogs here, in London, Ontario too. Actually I think I see too many dogs here. I understand when people have dogs and cats in their own house with good backyard and lots of space. But what about small apartments in high rise buildings where space is at premium and you can hardly fit everything necessary for your everyday existence there and there is no extra space for a dog. That means you have to go out with your dog very often and go where your dog can run and jump and feel free or you can turn your dog or cat into a sofa pillow and get out for 5 minutes twice a day as you do not have more time, you have to go to work and be there. In that case I think you should not have a dog or cat at all.
I never had a dog but I had cats and I remember when we had to move from a house to an apartment how hard it was for them to adjust to that life in a small space without going out. And they appreciated their freedom in and around our house. They could go out when they wanted and they learned pretty soon where their property is and where it is not. Now I don't have cats or dogs any more and living myself in a bachelor where even kitchen is included in that room where I sleep, I cannot imagine to have animals there too, though lots of my neighbors have them and though they don't bark a lot (dogs, not neighbors, of course) most of those animals are very restricted by the time they go out.
One of my neighbors goes out with a dog to the corner of our building and then turns around and goes back to the house right away. I don't think 5 minutes outside is enough for the animal to do his business; may be enough to get some smoke inhalation from his owner as most of them around do smoke (and I mean neighbors, not dogs), but not enough to get some exercise we all need, both humans and animals.
So if you think that dog is your friend, give him freedom he needs to stay healthy and if you cannot do that for this or that reason, do not keep him in prison of a small apartment where you can hardly fit yourself, give him for adoption to a better place and then tell me that you care about him.
Of course some people might say that they need a companion, they are lonely, I understand that. Still you have to remember that a dog or a cat is not a toy and to feed him or pet him is not enough and some of us just do not have enough means to take great care of their pets. Just remember, they cannot do it themselves. They cannot rent a bigger apartment or go to work and earn more money and you can. And if you want to keep a pet you have to do just that. You need a good exercise and healthy food every day and so is your pet. You need fresh air without cigarette smoke and so is your pet, you just have to remember that and not to smoke around your pet or your child, I see a lot of that too. Be good to your pet and you will enjoy its healthy company for many years to come.

London, Ontario - I am still here.

2018-08-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

    Last year I wanted to go and live somewhere else so badly but now I see that there is no place I can go for now. I cannot return to Toronto though my best friend is there and it would be nice to live somewhere near her and see her more that 2 times a year during big holidays when her boyfriend can drive her to London. But living in Toronto is beyond my financial possibilities and there is nothing like in London where I can afford good apartment at least for now. I don't need a lot of space but I like to have my own with my own furniture and my own bathroom and kitchen. I don't like to share those with strangers.
    I remember when I was young and newly married I lived in Leningrad, Russia in a communal flat. They had lots of apartments like this at that time in large cities. You have one or two rooms that are yours and the rest of place you have to share with other people. When you have to live with people you don't know and don't want to know and may be you do not even like those people, it's very difficult even when you are young. We had me and my husband there and 3 more families. I don't know if they still have those apartments in Leningrad (St.Petersburg I think it's called now). I hope with name change they changed some social conditions of people who live there, I don't know. I never liked living like that but now I think many people in Toronto have to share their places with others. Renting is expensive in Toronto.
   When I lost my health and my job I realized that if I want to stay in Toronto this is my only option, so I moved out. Canada is big. You always can find a good place to live there, if you don't like yours. You just have to look around.
   For now my life here is quite comfortable. The only thing I am missing is beach in summer and traveling is rather expensive in Canada. And not every place is covered by bus or train. You need a car and driving and I don't have those. And paying for a taxi to go to a different city is not for me and I think not for most people. So I still have to figure the best way to travel here. Of course you can always walk, can't you?

i

Summer in London, Ontario, enjoy it.

2018-07-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, summer in our province is not that long so we have to enjoy every moment of it. That's what I am trying to do. This summer I will try to take it in fully - sun and water and nature. I will travel a little, not much, just to Sarnia and back and if I like it and can tolerate it, then may be I will go somewhere else this summer. When you have to go to work, it's hard to enjoy nice weather. You have to get up early, you have to get some kind of breakfast and be sure you'll have something for lunch if you are tied to you table and telephone the way I was. I had to take 2 buses to my work so most of my time I could enjoy the good weather only at a bus stop. And on weekends I had another job so another bus stop waited for me.
   Now I do not have to go to work, sometimes I wish I have, that means I can go anywhere and enjoy weather and season. The only thing that prevents me from enjoying it fully is my health that is not as good as it was, but that's not easy to deal with no matter how I try. And I try to deal with it by good diet and exercise and it helps but not much. It could be worse, as my friend keeps telling me, and I agree. I wasted my health for many years as if I had nine lives to live. Now I regret it but you cannot go back and you need to preserve what you have and do not waste what's left.
   Well, since I wrote this above, I had been in Sarnia and really liked it. A town that is much smaller than London but looks nicer to me and I can tell that river there looks better than Thames river here with more water in it but there is a small fence that does not allow you to get into water and swim into US if you want for some reason, as there is a border along river. You can of course sit near river and just look at. Look but not touch, please. I tried to get to the beach there but there happened a terrible storm there at that day and I missed my chance to see that (beach, not storm).
   I would have moved to Sarnia in a heartbeat but public transportation is so terrible there. I don't even want to talk about it here
. I know that in a small town in Canada, at least in Ontario, public transportation is usually unreliable but not to that extent. That's why I am not moving to Sarnia. For now.

It smells like spring

2018-04-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

I know you can tell me that spring does not smell, that flowers, cut grass or a garbage bin left at the curb smell but if you get out and walk along without putting your nose into that stupid bin, you'll notice that air is different and that spring has it's own special smell that tells you about warm and joy in near future and all good things that can be in your life.
When spring comes I usually feel like going somewhere where I've never been before. I want to move around and see places and things. I did not have a lot of time to do stuff for myself when I had small children but now they are grown up and I have to do stuff for me and may be find some fun in the process.
When heat of summer strikes I don't have that feeling anymore.I want to hide myself into some cool place with lots of water and near water but spring time is different. I just wait till some warm weather shows up and let me move around without jacket or heavy boots or any boots whatsoever. I still need to explore London, Ontario more and hopefully with my new diet I will have more energy to move around. I will tell you about my new diet in future but only if it's going to work. There is no point in sharing something that is not going to work so I have to wait and see. There is always a problem if you are capable of sticking to your diet or not. But for me if it's going to work I will stick to it, because I need my energy to live and to do stuff and so far I did not have a lot of it after stroke.
What else? At one point I was thinking to move to Vancouver, they say it's a beautiful city and near water too. But if you are not rich, you cannot afford Vancouver I was told and there are lots of people who are living on the streets there and I don't want to be one of them. I think it's a very terrible thing to be homeless and have all your stuff in a small cart that you stole from a grocery store. You are not going to enjoy weather if you are homeless even if it is mild like in Vancouver, so I better stay where I am and enjoy what I have. At least for now.

Life is not over yet

2018-03-29T07:46:00.002-07:00

            Okay, life is not over yet. I am still here and breathing that means that life goes on and it's spring time. Though it's not warm yet but it's going that direction. I've been living in London Ontario for a year now and it was not a very interesting year but nothing bad happened either. My youngest son finally found a job after university in his specialty, not in Canada unfortunately, but in US. But it's a good job and hopefully he is happy where he is, though I miss him every day but that's my life now. All birds go out of their nest eventually, it's life. You just have to deal with your loneliness and depression in only way possible - keep yourself busy. I am trying very hard to do just that.
   Life in London, Ontario is not difficult for me as I don't have to look for a job at this period of my life and I suspect there is not a lot of jobs in London. Lots of immigrants come here every day from all over the world but mostly to study as I can see. I found one friend here. She is from Mexico and her husband is from Poland. Unfortunately for me she has a young daughter and not much time to socialize and I understand her as I've been there too and with 3 small children. I was planning to move somewhere else from London but now I am not so sure. I am used to London by now and if I will be able to find another apartment closer to food stores so I don't have to take a bus to buy some food than I may as well stay in London. I don't like my apartment at all. It's very cold in winter. They keep garbage under my apartment as I live on the second floor and it smells sometimes and last but not least - I don't have any sun in my place and this drawback is very serious to me, especially in winter. May be I will be able to find something else I can afford on a sunny side, I don't know. My right hand still not working properly, but I keep working with it, trying to lift things at least with it when I can. It becomes better but very slowly and I am not sure I will be able to do serious thing like writing or eating with it ever again.
   My writing with left hand still looks terrible and I often do not understand myself what I write and it's very annoying but I still try to do some writing every day. I read Italian book and every time (very often) when I do not understand a word, I look for this word in a dictionary and write it down, sometimes it helps to remember, sometimes it does not. I know you need to train your brain to remember things, to learn new ones.
   For me learning was never a problem but now I am not at school and motivation for learning is much weaker. Still I am sure I can learn a couple of languages and may be use this knowledge for something useful. I like being useful. I wish I could adopt a child but I am too old for that and too damaged physically unfortunately. I can adopt a dog or cat but I do not like dogs very much and I do not like to keep cats on a second floor in a small apartment, so no companion for me, just my books I guess.

How to keep your optimism when you don't have any.

2017-12-06T07:25:00.003-08:00

   I was never an optimistic person. Every time something happened I always noticed bad features first and only then some good or positive results of any event. It probably happened early in my life and started with my mom who was very pessimistic all her life and I saw her more often crying than laughing. Actually I never remember her laughing. It was not my mother's behavior. When I grew up I had all kind of events, same as everybody else - education, marriage, children, moving to a different place, then to a different country. I had good and bad things happen to me as anybody else and I cannot complain as good was more present in my life than bad. Unfortunately I could not enjoy my good stuff freely without expecting bad around the corner all the time.
   Now I've come to the period in my life when it looks like there is more bad stuff than good and being in depression looks like a normal result of everything that I have now. And I know that now I can actively create the quality of my life or turn it into a miserable existence without goal and meaning and lots of medications to support its misery and I do not want that.
   First thing probably is not to create unnecessary sufferings by watching bad news on TV or reading tragic stuff in newspapers that are enjoying printing everything bad that happens around the world. Now we can learn about everything - all hurricanes, terrorism, all natural and human created disasters everywhere. If I cannot help it - I don't want to know about it. I wish I could avoid homeless people on the street, it's hard to see them and hard to stay not involved. And what's the point to get involved if you cannot help.
   Good idea is to learn another language. That will give you an extra occupation and you'll expand your cultural horizons at the same time. I am trying to learn a new language - Italian. But it's not easy right now as I do not have a lot of energy and my memory is not as good as it used to be.
   At my age it's hard to make new friends thought I am working on that too. If I will be able to make my right hand to work again properly, I will be able to do some translations as I like it very much. Meaningful occupation is necessary to keep your body and soul together.
   And last but not least - right food for your body is very important, I know that. But for me, I am not sure what kind of food is better for me, as I am not very fond of fruits and vegetables, especially vegetables that are considered the best like spinach and broccoli (I hate broccoli) and fruit that I can afford like apples and bananas and I know that you cannot eat just meat and potatoes all the time and stay healthy. That means I have to work on that. I tried to become a vegetarian but so far it's not working at all for me. And nothing taste good for me nowadays. What I liked to eat before, I don't like now. May be I just have to stop to expect the enjoyment from eating at all and just eat something when I am hungry. Not very fond of this idea, have to work on that too.
   May be I should try to eat food that I never ate before, may be I am just tired to eat the same every day. May be I should try pumpkin instead of oatmeal in the morning and frog legs for dinner? How about goat milk instead of cow's? Though I tried goat milk before and did not find it really tasty. It keeps it's smell - goat smell, same as other goat products. I do not really like almond or any other nut milks that are sold now everywhere and have all kinds of stuff added to it. And making your own nut milk is rather expensive as nuts are not cheap. At least I can make my own yogurt, I like that, though you cannot eat just yogurt and nothing more, you need good calories and good protein and fat and some carbs too. I still like honey, but honey by itself is not food and you cannot eat a lot of it. I still like fish in general. I guess I have to learn to cook more of it. It's good protein and good fat if it's a fatty fish.
   I need more energy, then I will be able to travel at least around Canada as this country has many interesting places that I would like to see with my own eyes, not in the pictures or on TV.
Let's stay busy!

When life lost it's meaning' you have to find it.

2017-10-27T07:12:00.000-07:00

I know, it's hard to live when suddenly you feel like your life is over but you are still not dead and somehow you have to eat, sleep and support yourself though you don't feel like there is any sense in doing that. That happened to me last year when I suddenly found myself in the hospital after a stroke. Those first months were absolutely most horrible in my life. I could not walk, my right hand was like a piece of cloth. I was thinking about killing myself as the only option, because life in a wheel-chair is not for me. Then suddenly, I realized that I can learn how to walk again and my will to live returned and I had a goal - to get my health back as much as possible. I left my hospital with a walker but not with a wheel-chair. Now, year ahead I don't use any help with walking but I still work on my right arm and think I will be able to return it back eventually. When and how - it's another story. The worst part in it is the necessity to retire from work and from that working environment I was so used to have. Now I feel like I am a fish from water but I guess I have to get used to it. Not much water here in London,Ontario, by the way. That river they have looks like a dirty swamp here in downtown. Not event much attraction to go there.
May be I will learn another language and write a novel. I have some ideas but I put them on a side burner long time ago and now it looks like those ideas expired in the process of my living life. May be not completely. May be I just need more time to get better first.
Would be nice to find some friends here but I guess I am not very good at it. People do not like strangers here, I noticed. I have one friend, she lives in Toronto and now she has a new boyfriend, so she is busy and I do not want to bother her a lot, but at least I have somebody to call when I feel completely lost and forgotten. And I feel it every day unfortunately. May be I should travel more, at least in London and around while weather is still good. And this year weather is pretty good to us. Not much cold still and no snow and temperature still in plus though it's the end of October. Hopefully it stays like that for a little while. It's nice outside and you do not need a lot of sweaters, not yet.

What makes us the way we are?

2017-10-02T07:46:00.002-07:00

What exactly makes us? Why we are what we are? And why is it so hard to change? Your personality, your habits, your life. I never thought about my life a lot, I just lived it. In my old country food was not plenty when grew up. You just have to eat what you have and glad that you have it. Then society had changed. Now we have cheap food made from crap mostly and expensive food - organic, almond, gluten free, what not. I don't know what ordinary, not rich people eat in my old country, as I haven't been there for a long time, but I know that in Canada all that organic food is nor accessible for middle class, if we have such in Canada. Some people say, that we have not such class anymore. Just rich and poor. That means I am poor now.
   I can think now, I have time for that. I have my small old age pension and have to survive on it. But I still want to survive good way. I don't drink, smoke, my blood pressure medication is not that expensive right now and I still hope to find way to lower blood pressure somehow, don't know yet how, so not to stuff myself with medications too much. I want to live near my children, not in a different city like now. I know that I cannot do a lot, but may be I still have some years of some productive activity.
   I know that everything we eat, everything we do shapes us and with good genetics and healthy life style you can live long and be happy unless you meet with some terrorists or you decide to cross the road in a wrong place at the wrong time. Crossing the road is easier in London than in Toronto and we have less terrorists here I hope, but healthy life style? Not so sure about that.
   We have a natural river here in London, Ontario but no one swims in it because it is polluted and everywhere in downtown near river there are bushes of wild grass and piles of stones and dirt and bad smell from water in some places on a hot day. We have a swimming pool downtown near river on Ridout St but who wants to pay $ 4.50 for a swim, not me for sure. Would be nice to have an open pool that is affordable but not in London probably and not for poor people.
   In some places people do not swim in the river because they have crocodiles there. We do not swim in the river here because we were so stupid and reckless that we managed to pollute it to the point that no one even wants to come close to it. Only ducks seem happy and I cannot pretend I am the one.Shame, what can I say. Natural source of health and no one can use it for free. Want to swim, pay 4.50 and go ahead. And what if I don't want to spend 4.50 just to sit in water for 2 hours. I still need to buy food though I don't need a lot. At least we have green parks and relatively fresh air, thanks for that, government, I am very happy already.
   Well, next time I move, I will find a place with some natural water near by I hope and relatively clean one. I just need to find such place. I tried before I moved to London but could not find anything and I did not have a lot of time for looking, so I chose London and now I am here. I just did not expect it to be so conservative in many ways and though people are not very friendly here, they are very polite as a rule, even homeless. They ask you for money and if you do not give them any, they still say thank you. I am impressed. If I were homeless for any reason I would never thank anybody I think. But then I was never homeless so I don't know. I cannot get used to see so many beggars in London. Are they all so desperate, or is it just a habit to get some free money? I don't know. But it does not look good for a city. I wish somebody could do something, I mean somebody who has authority in society. Most of these people are quite young and could be working somewhere not begging on a street. But I know how hard for young people to find a job in Canada. My youngest kid is still unemployed with university diploma and good habits and living in Toronto.

Something else about diet

2017-09-22T07:36:00.001-07:00

   I hate this word 'diet'. When people tell me about diet, I immediately imagine pieces of sour grapefruit and a bland vegetable soup with nothing in it but fresh cabbage or sauerkraut, that's what we ate at my time in my old country. I remember when my husband told me that he was going on a diet and asked me to cook a vegetable soup for him. I tried to make it taste better so I put some hot pepper in it. Very little, just to flavor it. My husband was so angry at me. He told me that I ruined his diet soup, so I had to cook it again without hot pepper in it. My husband was eating this soup for a whole day and no matter how often he ate it, he still felt hungry, so at the end of the day he told me he could not do it any more and fried himself two eggs with butter, as he could not stand this diet.
   In my country I tried to starve myself in order not to gain weight. It was easy as we did not have a lot of food and people knew how to maximize what they had and stretch food so it lasted longer.
I know my mom did that too just differently. If she did not have enough food she would drink some tea with sugar and a piece of bread with margarine. Not the best diet. I did not like margarine and I eliminated sugar from my drinks after my first son was born though I did not know that sugar is bad for you at that time. I just felt it 's better to put less empty calories into my food.
   Here in Canada I see another problem. If you do not have a lot of money, cheapest food is not the best in quality and has lots of preservatives and just dubious chemicals that do not do anything for your nutritional requirement. Some people I know just go and buy some pizza for lunch and leftover of it might serve as a dinner.
I do not spent a lot of energy now as I am not working and do not have to jump from my bed and run to catch the bus. But I still want to eat good affordable food and not to feel malnourished and not to gain extra weight. I am used to eating small portions but I still need those portions though here in London, Ontario I have to walk quite a distance in order to get some affordable food as close to my place on Dundas street there is nothing but pizza places on every corner and I cannot treat pizza as a regular meal. There is a small grocery store close to Adelaide St on Dundas but it's not cheap at all. I still don't know if butter is really bad for you as olive oil is expensive, nuts are not cheap either. My friend in Toronto (where you can find a lot of cheap food places by the way), she does not eat meat or fish, just vegetables and fruits and nuts. but for me such diet does not feel right and I think that counting calories is the stupidest thing that was invented by food industry to distract us from food quality and prices. I don't know anything about organic food but prices on that are overwhelming. Best I can do is to buy organic eggs sometimes, not often.
   Market in London is not cheap but sometimes you can buy some groceries on discount or some fruit salads that you can eat as it's easy for me to buy a ready made salad than regular fruits separately and make my own with one hand in use. Other salads I just do not like, though I eat tomatoes when I manage to buy the good ones.
   Right now it's the right season to have tomatoes and prices are not bad. In winter they will be more expensive and rather tasteless. In winter I prefer cabbage salad or may be some salads from a jar. Though those from a jar are not cheap either. They started to sell boiled peeled beats in a vacuumed package in Dollarama. I find it very convenient for a beat salad and it costs one dollar and 25 cents for a half-kilo of ready for anything product. Very nice.

Not to pick up extra weight

2017-09-18T07:03:00.002-07:00

When you are older it's usually hard not to pick up some extra pounds, especially if you are good at it. For me through all my adult life it was always easy to gain and hard to drop. Now, when I cannot even exercise with lots of strength like running or swimming because my blood pressure medication makes me weak and robs me of my energy whatever is still left in me, I have to be more creative. Of course I can walk and I walk as much as I can every day, but when it's time for lunch, I have to figure out, what to eat and what I have to forget about completely from now on. My diet has to be completely different from a regular person who gets up and goes to work every day. I cannot do it any more, I am retired, may be for good.
I cannot say I like the situation but what can you do? If you cannot kill them, join them, or something like that. Well, I came from culture with lots of potatoes, meat, fish, fried, smoked and lots of it consumed every day, every meal. I did not have a lot of appetite when I was a child but boy-or-boy I have it now! I can eat my breakfast and feel hungry in an hour. I like bacon, fried potatoes with eggs and sausage, smoked meat and fish. I don't eat a lot but I can eat often enough to compensate those small meals. And you know what? Never mind what you eat between meals, even if it is a cracker with cream cheese or jam, you still add some pounds, whether you like it or not. The only thing that will add nothing is a piece of orange or some other fresh fruit or veggie, like apple or cherry and may be cucumber or tomato but no dressing with it.
Right now I am trying to drop to become 65 kg, as this was my weight at 25 and I think that's the only weight that may be helping me to control my blood pressure at 65.
May be I am mistaken but let me try, then we'll see. I still need like 4-5 pound to loose to bring me to this weight, but for some reason my body does not want to do that. Other than starvation I tried everything. And I do not want to keep me hungry, as it's not going to hold in the long run and I need to drop the extra pounds and keep them there.
Vegetarian food make me feel like a cow in the field, but without meat, it's easier to keep your weight off . I stopped eating sugar, but that did not make lots of difference. Now, what's next to go? I still have a sausage in my freezer and some chicken bones. And 2 pieces of chicken breast. I hate chicken breast, -please, don't tell that to starving kids in Africa!

How not to become a homeless person

2017-08-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

How not to become a homeless person? It's not good to be a homeless for many reasons. First of all our climate is very unstable. We have like two-three months with good warm weather and then suddenly we have rain, frost, sleet or whatever you call that thing that falls from the sky and freezes around you and you need a warm place to hide from it.
I am not going to tell you about weather in December or January when cold wind and frost around -20C and more can totally kill somebody on a street, especially if you do not have food in your stomach and warm boots on your feet. How to avoid that? Well, we all live somewhere. We are not born on a street, not in this country, not as a rule. So, if you live somewhere and you know that you have to move for all kinds of reasons, don't do that before you find a place you can afford and can live in. If you don't have money, you can always get some crappy job or some government support until you find a job.
Sometimes it's very difficult to find any job if you are too young or to old to work. If you are too young you have to wait until the age when you'll be allowed to work. I am not sure if it 16 or 18, but I am sure that you can clench your fists and your soul and wait couple of years if necessary until you job will give you the possibility of independence from circumstances you are right now. I know it's possible, I've been there. I wanted to run away but realized that they will just return me back and eventually I managed to get away and change my circumstances.
I know it's not easy, but life is not easy for most people and we have to adjust our wishes very often due to circumstances we cannot change right now. It's much harder to change your circumstances when you are on a street already, so do not put yourself into that position, it's not necessary and is not that kind of freedom you are looking for, not in our society, not in our climate. It's good thing we have Internet nowadays, free in a library, and you can always find on line all kinds of ads regarding rental places. Kijiji gives lots of variants and it's very easy to use and you can find all kinds of places for any budget anywhere in most places in Canada.

I am an invisible woman.

2017-08-10T07:04:00.002-07:00

   I think I've become completely invisible here in London, Ontario. I don't even need magic for that. I just have to be what I am now - disable, poor and old, not beautiful, not pretty, not well dressed or with good make-up, just plain old. I am not ugly yet, people usually notice an ugly person, because he/she is different from others in his/her ugliness but me - I just plain and old. My stroke made me old right away - I used to be pretty (I was told) and now I am nothing but plain and old and that bothers me sometimes, because I am not used to be invisible and now it happens every day. One day I may be crashed between doors and people would wonder, what is it that stuck in the door so no one can open it properly. And it will be me.
   May be I am not the only one. May be we have lots of people like that, people we never notice, because they are invisible. They walk around us, they sit on benches and on pavements on the streets. They do not have anything to do , nowhere to go. No one waits for them, no one wants them. There is no place for them anywhere. At least I am not homeless, not yet and I will try not to be the one.
   It's very cold in winter on a street even if you are invisible. You still need some warm place and some food and not just coffee and donuts. Sometimes those invisible people feel like they cannot be invisible anymore. Then they cry, shout something, then a security shows up or police, or both and they make them stop crying loudly,because no one wants them to bother the rest of us - visible people. If you still can tolerate your invisibility, you are not going to shout, you'll keep quiet like a mouse,doing what you have to do - nothing, just don't bother anybody and don't open your mouth.
When those people shout all the time and become very dirty in rugs, then they become a little visible and they eventually disappear from the streets. Where? I have no idea. May be they just die, or go to prison. I don't know. I've never been in that position, not yet. But I am clearly invisible woman now, as no one needs me, no one calls me or talks to me, no one is interested in me in any way, and it makes me sad as I don't want to be like that but don't know how to become visible again.

He hated nursing home so much

2017-07-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

When your husband is dead, what do you feel? I feel loneliness - like lonely for ever. When I was young I thought, we have to live long and die at once together, but when you get older you understand that that's impossible because we all live and age and die differently. My husband spent his last 10 years at nursing home, and I still don't know why he died because though he had a stroke and a very bad one, I hoped he would somehow recover or at least partially recover and it never happened and I had to place him into a nursing home and go to work to support myself and help my children to get on their feet and that went wrong too but that's another story. After 10 years there, he just expired.
   He hated nursing home and all that inability to do what you want when you want so much. Nursing home is a bad place, I agree. Only when you are completely helpless and cannot do anything for yourself, you should go there, otherwise you better stay home and take care of yourself as good as you can for as long as you can. Of course if you have a place you can call a home and can support yourself and can pay for some extra help. I am still waiting for my financial report from government as my pension is too small to live on and for some reason I am not entitled to get ODSP any more.
   My husband was very healthy all his life, same as me. I did not expect his early demise and now I feel like part of my soul died with him and all I need from him just his presence - I don't need anything, just please, be here.
   I am not a religious person so I do not expect to meet him after life. I believe that death is a final thing and there is not a chance that his soul exists in universe without a body. And loneliness is probably the worst thing after sickness that human being can experience on this earth. With me sickness and loneliness go together like two crazy sisters and stand behind me every time I open my eyes in the morning telling me, 'why don't you go and kill yourself, no one needs you any more.' As if it's the best solution and I know it is not. There is so many things in life I never had a chance to meet, to see, to experience and now I have time to experience, to get acquainted, to learn. I have to use that possibility to my advantage. There is a reason to my existence, same as to anybody else, I am sure of that. I wish I did not feel that loneliness every day though I have to get used to it - there is not a lot of options for me now.
   I thought about going back to my old country, but my old country does not have anybody any more of my close relatives, no one need me there and I don't have any means to live there on. So what's the point? I will be as lonely there as I am here in Canada, so I stay. At least in Canada people do not usually say to your face what they think about you, they are more reserved. In Canada people do not like to interfere. They will leave you alone and let you swim in your own misery for as long as you can, just don't ask for anything, it's not their business.
So, why am I writing all this? May be somebody will read this and will think,' I am better than that, I don't feel as bad,' or 'that's exactly as I feel, I am not alone in my misery.' And it's always easier when somebody understands you and feels like you.

First time in your life you are on your own

2017-07-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

It's not easy to be completely on your own if you are not used to it. I never in my life lived on my own, I always had somebody around. My parents, then my husband, then my kids.
And now I have nobody but old me. And I am in a new city London, Ontario and I am in Canada now and I cannot work any more as I am disabled now and now I have to rely on whatever government decides to pay me to survive. I don't even know if I will be able to survive on that money. But we are born to live and life is not easy for most people and it's not going to be easier when you get older, you just have to hold on to whatever is left for you and make the most of it and I am planning to do just that.
First of all I need to explore London as there are some better places I am sure in London than downtown, where I live right now I just have to find them as I am not interested in restaurants and museums much and I had enough stores to visit in Toronto where I lived before.
In London I am looking for some quiet nature escapes if possible and I still have to drop my blood pressure somehow because I don't like pills but don't have a choice right now but take pills as my blood pressure is like a wild beast without a cage, you never know when he will jump at you.
The only good thing for me in downtown is the library as I can use Internet and books, even Russian books they have, because I don't know Russian contemporary literature at all and I can get some knowledge here and it's very pleasant as Russian is my native language and I like reading. So nature and reading is good combination for a person with one hand working (and unfortunately it is not my best hand). Hopefully I will be able to exercise my right hand to the point when it will start working somehow so I don't have to feel like an invalid as I hate that feeling of helplessness and the worst thing is when you have to ask somebody for help - I hate it! So is there any advantage in living on your own? We'll see.

When life you had is over.

2017-07-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

When life you had is over you have to create a new life. There should be purpose and necessity and meaningful results and it is hard and sometimes I feel like it's absolutely impossible task, especially when you feel like a completely useless and helpless invalid though it's not so.
I still have things I like to do and things I can do, and things I can learn how to do. I still can read and I like reading, I can write with my left hand though my hand writing is terrible but with practice it will be better. I can write on a keyboard with left hand and it is not that hard. I can learn a new language.
I already started to learn Italian and if I will not be able to speak, I will certainly be able to read. I still have one friend left. You don't have a lot of friends when you work every day, but now I regret I've lost some of them just by being busy all the time. May be in future when my right hand will be working I will be able to have a part time job, or may be I will write a novel, I have some ideas, had them for a long time, just had no time for that before and now time is all I have, I can use it in full if I want or just be a lady of leisure. How far it will take me? That no one knows. And experience is still experience and a lesson. I used to be a good scholar, so we'll see.
My kids still remember that I am alive and it's a good thing. Connection with your near and dear is very important, even on a formal basis - telephone call one in 3 months.
In order to make my hand work I have to force it into movement every day for many hours and that is difficult as I do not have a lot of energy but I am trying. I hate being an invalid - it's not mine. I used to take care of invalid but I hate it and hate to rely on others - I have to be able to do everything by myself - at least things regarding personal needs. I still need to find somebody in London to socialize, don't know if it's possible, as I feel like a new immigrant in London, as after stroke my accent became worse. Well, cannot help it, we'll see.

Life after stroke and what can you do about it.

2017-07-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

What can you do when your life is almost over?
Last year I had a stroke, so I had to quit my job,get disability, move from Toronto as I couldn't afford this city anymore. I did not get enough response or help from my children so I had to learn to live with my own decision and resources and it was not an easy task.The worst part about it is that you get depression and your ability to cope with it and your disability becomes very diminished.
I did not know at first how to kill myself easily and quickly without a lot of drama. Now I know but I don't want to kill myself anymore. I had to learn how to walk and now I can walk without support and far enough and though I still cannot use my right hand, I am working on that hand every day and eventually I will return my hand to original position I am sure, and this conviction gives me strength to live.
I have a nice bachelor apartment in London, Ontario. I am still working on my retirement funds as my disability pension expired as I hit 65 recently. I don't like that number but I cannot pretend it's not here. I have to live with it and with my disability and fight for my health with myself, doctors and environment, as food we buy and eat in Canada though plenty not always is healthy for different reasons as it's very difficult to buy healthy food when you don't have any money. I will tell you about my life in London later. May be my experience will be useful for somebody.

I think the story of a reluctant immigrant is almost over.

2015-12-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

Hi, everybody
I have been one reluctant immigrant for so many years in Canada (since 1992 actually). I severely criticized my newly adopted land without understanding it. Land that is so vast and so vastly different and lovely that there is space and place for everybody and everything (minus jihads naturally).
My path here was difficult and full of drawbacks, costly mistakes and real failures. I expected something different, I waited for something familiar. I longed to go back to Europe. Anywhere but here. It did not come through. I mean, my coming back.
But something did come. I suddenly realized (fully realized) that instead of feeling deprived I should feel lucky. Lucky that I am in such a big country, territorial I mean, first and foremost that I can easily find or create my own place and space here without stepping on anybody's toes, without feeling that somebody is chasing me for one thing or another. No one cares and it's a good thing sometimes.
It's a tremendous advantage of living in a large country where any jerk(I mean responsible citizen) can feel at home and live happily on a small paycheck and not feeling threatened by anything or anybody(minus terrorists of course).
Sadly it can be changed. We could invite millions of refugees from alien culture and make hell out of living for everybody in big and small cities. That's what they've done in Europe.
Who needs Syrian war, but it's still going on. That means that somebody needs it.
Somebody feeds it with weapons and other stuff. Thousands and thousands of refugees are still flooding Europe. Most of them are not accustomed to Western culture and are not going to assimilate or be happy there. I hope everybody who's deeply involved understands that.
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO ASSIMILATE
and that's the biggest problem. They will create their own religious conclaves in Europe and anywhere else because for them religion is everything first and they know how to demand their rights. Ordinary citizens in Netherlands are buying weapons as they are afraid that their government is not protecting them. Sad? Terribly sad!
Can we still be safe and trust our government not to make stupid and damaging decisions? Those decisions are so costly. They are playing fire in Germany now; they could end up in a civil war in Germany, no one needs that I am sure.
Life in Canada is very simple. We do not have lots of historical quality ancient buildings,nor do we have sophisticated lifestyles for most people(work,rest,sleep,weekend,cottage,lake,hockey,fishing,library,concert for lucky ones that's mostly it).
Canadian flag. It's just a leaf nothing more. How simple and it says volumes. We do not need a European sophistication here, sophisticated 'culture'. Our culture is very simple - to live and to let live; to be what you can be and nobody requires you to be different.
We ( I like to say 'we' now) do not give promises we cannot fulfill. We cannot help everybody, let's give a quality help for some lucky ones.
This year is coming to an end. It was not a happy one for so many, but there is always hope that next year will be better.
Let it be better and hopefully we do not need weapons for everybody, that my country can protect me. This IS my country and I am a part of it. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everybody!
And let's not think about bad things and forget about the second bag from Santa. We'll manage. We always do.