Trust is one of the pillars in a healthy relationship. That’s trust for a spouse, friends, children, and most of all trust in yourself.

Can you trust your husband to have your best interest in mind, be honest with you, cherish you, advocate for you to his bio-kids, and at times to his ex? Are there any other close people in your life that you trust? And do you trust yourself with all of the above, especially when the going gets tough?

I recently realized what stands between most stepmoms and being fully accepted by their husbands and their kids. It’s trust.

They want to know you will stay. They want to know you’ll be kind and loving, especially when the going gets tough. And as a stepmom, it’s natural to feel insecure and scared when facing such a responsibility. Your role is ill defined and a turbulent one, and it can be hard to trust yourself in it.

Obstacles to Trust in Second+ Marriages

Lack of Knowledge

Remarried couples often don’t know what it takes to nurture or grow their relationship. There are few public role models for remarriage. The little media representation we have of remarried families tends to be unrealistic. They’re either perfect or played up as deeply damaged for comedic or dramatic effect. We’re not handed a manual for navigating the complexities of our spouse’s children or exes.

The demands and stress of everyday life often deprive couples of the time needed to proactively engage in meaningful conversation. Schedule management and damage control consume their non-working hours, leaving their marriage taken for granted. Little time is dedicated to nurture and grow the relationship. Husbands don’t see, hear, or validate their wives on a regular basis if at all.

Unresolved Grief from Past Relationships

When past losses are not grieved, your emotional energies are blocked, which limits your ability to ‘show up’ in your current relationship. It leaves you stuck in the past, feeling resentful, angry and sad.

Past pain and loss impact your ability to trust your current or future partner. You act defensively in your marriage, as you expect to be hurt again. Thus, your willingness and ability to trust is greatly compromised.

Boundary Violations

When your stepkids go through your clothes, makeup, devices, and your personal space, they’re violating your boundaries. When your husband fails to consequence his children for their behavior, you lose trust in him as a father teaching his children right from wrong. It also feels like he doesn’t have your back. When your husband secretly or non-consensually shares your private information with his children or their bio-mom, it also violates your boundaries. It leaves you feeling vulnerable and shamed, which erodes your trust in him.

It’s hard to trust if kids violate your personal boundaries. They shouldn’t disrespect you or go through your possessions without permission.

What You Can Do About It

Trust can, and needs to, be built. It requires making a choice to trust and committing to learning and implementing new skills. You and your husband need to have compassion and empathy for one another. It will help you see, hear, and validate each other. Develop a schedule of regular conversations about what’s on your mind. It’s a most valuable habit to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Prioritize topics of conversation, e.g.: boundaries, parenting style, money management, chores, and responsibilities.

The following steps will assist you with your internal trust building process;

• Be curious about what you feel.
• Schedule quiet time in which you can focus inward, and honor whatever comes up, even if it doesn’t make sense.
• Journal about it. It will help you process and purge any toxicity that might come up.
• Repeat this process on a regular basis. 
• Develop baby steps to implement a trust building plan. Trust in your husband, stepkids, others, and (more than anyone) in yourself.

Let me know what worked (and what didn’t work) for you.

The post What Does Trust Mean to a Stepmom? appeared first on Remarried With Children.

Co-parenting often proves a nightmarish, combative process, with your children’s health and well-being as collateral damage.

Resentful and embittered divorced parents share inappropriate information with their children, or just outright lie to them about the other parent. Some do it for revenge. Some do it to maintain control over their children, whom they believe are “theirs” more than the other parent’s, and that the ends justify the means.

The real victims, however, are the children. They get deprived of emotional wellness and a chance for a healthy relationship with both parents. Even if sabotaging the parental relationship is successful, and the relationship between the children and the other parent is severed, the relationship with the alienating parent is far from healthy.

So here’s what to do, for your kids, instead of distancing your kids from your ex.

Co-Parenting Tips: Do’s and Don’ts to Help You Fight Less and Accomplish More for Your Kids

Each of these three co-parenting tips is broken up into the wrong way and right ways to approach serving your children’s best interests. The wrong way examines common mistakes remarried parents make, and the right way suggests a better, alternative approach that will help your kids feel happier, safer, and loved.

Don’t Let Anger at Your Ex Prevent Collaborating to Meet Your Children’s Needs

Don’t: Have an Adversarial Parenting Attitude

You may still be angry, disappointed, and sad over the end of the relationship. Perhaps you even feel betrayed by your former spouse. Sharing any of these feelings with your mutual children is hurtful and damaging to your children. Children see themselves as extensions of their parents, with the good and the bad. So, if you paint a picture to your children of the other parent as selfish, mean, and uncaring, they will wonder how much of this description describes them.

Do: Have a Cooperative Parenting Attitude

The more your children see their biological (or adopting) parents invest in co-parenting lovingly, effectively, and consistently, the more emotionally stable they feel. Children need to see that adults—in this case, their parents—are able to rise above emotional barriers, and cooperate for the greater good of their family well being. One of the greatest lessons in life is to teach children that while we are all entitled to our feelings, it is wrong to act out some feelings. A separation between feelings and behaviors is crucial to a healthy, compassionate society.

Don’t Distance Your Kids From Their Other Biological Parent

Don’t: Alienate the Other Parent

In other words, don’t keep the parent out of the child’s life or badmouth the other parent to your children.

You don’t have to like your former spouse, however, you don’t need to share this sentiment with your children. You may believe that your former spouse has questionable values, beliefs, and behaviors. These are probably some of the reasons you are no longer together. Your children relationship with their other parent didn’t end, and will never end in most cases unless there is danger to your children’s physical and emotional well being.

Do: Talk Respectfully to Your Children About Their Other Parent.

Spare your children from your (negative) feelings and opinions of your former spouse. Remember, your children need their other parent for their emotional development. Yes, having a mediocre parent is by far better than being abandoned by a parent. Nobody’s perfect, not even you. Having different parenting styles is just that, different. Not better or worse. Make peace in your heart that your ex is in your life through the kids for good.

Ease Your Children’s Transition Between Homes

Don’t: Interrogate Your Children About What Took Place in the Other Household

Demanding information on what the other home looks like, the stepparent, income, vacation plans, and specific interactions makes children anxious, insecure and frustrated. Children feel like they are between a rock and a hard place. They feel that the only way to get you off their back is to share information with you. However, that makes them feel like they are betraying their other parent. The focus needs to be what is in your children’s best interest not yours. When you insist on getting information, you are actually telling your children that satisfying your need for information supersedes their well being.

Do: Let Them Bring Home as Much of the Other Household as They Need

Your children need empathy, support, and compassion in their transition.

When they return to your home, they may bring a picture of their other parent. They may also bring stories about their experiences from the other household. Their sharing those experiences with you means they feel at ease.

This doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries. This doesn’t mean prying or interrogating; it’s just listening to what they volunteer to share, as part of their transitioning between homes. In other words, honor the privacy of the other household, while simultaneously not shutting your children’s voices out in the event they need to share.

By setting an example, you can expect them to do the same at the other household, but if over-sharing is a problem, then gently inform them of your boundaries.

How These Co-Parenting Tips Help You & Your Kids Going Forward

So, co-parenting well sets the stage to make your life easier by mitigating a source of potential conflict and truly sharing the care-taking of the kids.

Co-parenting effectively does a lot for your children. It provides a solid foundation for happy families by providing healthy boundaries. Those give your kids a better chance at growing into healthy, independent adults, who can one day become good parents themselves.

The post 3 Co-Parenting Tips for Less Stress and Happier Children appeared first on Remarried With Children.

Her first concern was that she felt like an outsider, or like hired help, rather than feeling like part of a cohesive family unit. This is actually two separate problems, and here’s the crux of it:

You need to feel like a wife, before you’ll start feeling like a mother.

“As a new stepmom, I feel like hired help, not a wife.”

Feeling like hired help has two components: your husband’s expectations of you, and your expectations of him. Here’s what it means if you feel this way.

He only appears to primarily expect you to serve physical needs: doing household chores, driving him or the kids around, feeding the family, etc..

Meanwhile, he is failing to meet your emotional expectations, like him cherishing you, exchanging affection, treating you respectfully, and demonstrably valuing your opinion by consulting you.

“My husband doesn’t feel ‘present’ or emotionally available. Why?”

• He hasn’t recovered from the trauma of his divorce.
• He may not yet fully trust his new wife’s intentions.
• He may be afraid of getting hurt again.
• His faith in his own judgement falters in the wake of the previous marriage’s demise.

What can a stepmom do about it? Well…

Schedule a time to talk with him about your perceived emotional distance. Tell him you feel: hurt, worried, unloved, etc.. Empathize with him, and share your hopes and dreams for the relationship. If he gets defensive and doesn’t take responsibility for his behavior or problems between you, suggest seeing a therapist so that he can recover from the post-divorce trauma.

Then, lay a foundation for relationship hygiene:

• Weekly date night. Hire a sitter. Go somewhere fun. Rule #1 of date night: you do not talk about children.
• Do small things for your spouse. Big things don’t happen that often, but little things set the tone of the relationship.
• Love the other person the way they want to be loved, not they way you want to be loved. For example, some women hate flowers. If your husband is bringing you flowers, gently suggest to him that your preferences lie elsewhere. He may think himself an outstanding gentleman, but he’s doing you no favors by giving you hay fever. Your love languages may be different, too.
• Have scheduled, routine conversations. These happen 3-7 times a week, each lasting less than 45 minutes. Each conversation should focus on one topic that one of you has concerns about. You should be able to present, process, and reach a resolution for a given issue within that span of time.

Conclusion: Working Your Way into Their Hearts & Home

Remarried couples will find becoming a cohesive unit to be an involved endeavor. It requires lots of patience, creativity, and commitment both to the marriage and the family. Stepmoms will find process of becoming part of the family especially demanding of their time and energy.

However, though the journey from step-maid to stepmom is long and frought with peril, it is one well worth the effort.

The post Step-mom or Step-MAID? How to Stop Feeling “Locked Out, Looking In” appeared first on Remarried With Children.

Your step-kids are getting it from all sides, but they’re going to be taking it all out in one place: on you.

They have to deal with their mother’s venom, their father shirking responsibility, and discomfort caused by accommodating you as you enter their lives. In their eyes, you are new, you are strange, you are temporary, and you are disposable.

That can change with time. With some patience, empathy, and clear, consistent boundaries, your step-kids will grow to trust, connect with, and maybe even like you.

But first, you need to size up the situation. Make sure none of the below are going unchecked.

6 Reasons Your Step-kids Hate You (& How to Make It Better)

Their Bio-Mom is Turning Them On You

Your husband’s ex feels threatened by a maternal figure entering her children’s life. She fears her children will love you more than her. Being kind, fun, and attractive also contribute to jealousy. She constantly reminds the children that she’s their only real mom. She instructs the children to disobey you, tells them you mean nothing to them, and that soon you’ll leave their father and abandon them too.

Solution: Talk It Out

Have your husband schedule a family meeting, which will include him, the children, and you.
Express to him in advance to proactively support you. He should be the one running the show.

During the meeting, tell your step-children that you’re glad that they have a bio mom and that you have no intent to replace her or abandon them. However, acknowledge your concerns about her negative statements and express your hope that she’ll stop.

Your Husband Makes You Play Bad Guy (by Making You Discipline Prematurely)

Children feel emotionally abandoned when their father disengages from their daily routine. They blame you for that disengagement, feeling like their dad was better until you came along. Fear that they’re losing their “old” dad makes them resist your attempts at discipline.

Solution: Establish Clear, Healthy Boundaries

Privately validate your husband’s parenting challenges, and offer your support. Establish a joint parenting plan that will be implemented mostly by him. Explain to him that his parenting is crucial to his children’s well being. Refuse to take the main parenting role, by gently reminding him that it’s in his children best interest.

Your Go Out with Dad, Leaving Them Home

Your stepchildren feel rejected when excluded from your plans. They don’t remember their bio-parents going on date nights. They think you are trying to take dad away from them, and that you don’t like them.

Solution: Schedule Alone Time for Dad & the Kids

Bio-parent having regular time alone with bio-children helps solidify their relationship. It eases children’s insecurities and fears regarding losing their bio-parent to a new spouse, and establishes boundaries between parents, children, and the new couple. It is much easier for the children to accept the couple relationship when they feel safe and secure in their bond with their bio-parent.

Your Allergies Cost Them Their Pets

Your stepchildren feel a profound loss when they have to give pets away. They resent you and are angry that they have to give up a pet who is a family member and a source of comfort at troubling times in their lives such as their parents’ divorce.

Solution: Create a Separate Space for the Pets

Pets are part of the family. Be sensitive to your step-children’s bond with their pets. Bio-parent needs to communicate your health concerns to the children, and the options need to be considered together when possible. Some families dedicate an area in the house for the pets, others move the pets to the other bio-parent’s home, and some find a different home for the pets. The emphasis here is on finding a solution that is humane and acceptable to the kids.

You violate their privacy

A child’s room is his/her ‘castle.’ If you go into their room and go through their stuff, to make sure they’re on the straight and narrow, they’ll be furious and violated.

Solution: STAY OUT! Your stepchildren’s rooms are off limits to you.

While ensuring your step-children are making safe, healthy decisions is an otherwise noble cause, enforcing the rules is best left to their biological parent. If you think that they’re up to no good, tell your husband in private, and leave further investigation to him.

You Dis Their Mama

Some moms suck.

You may have expressed disgust at her irresponsible attitude, selfishness, or mood swings. Maybe you recommended monitored visits, because she can’t be trusted. You may have even said she needs psychological help.

Solution: Apologize & Keep Your Hate on the Down-Low

Apologize. Even if it’s all totally true, don’t harp on about it in front of your step-kids. Keep it between you and their father.

Children see themselves as extensions of their parents. If something’s wrong with her, they’ll see it as something wrong with them. Children need to believe their parents love them; criticizing bio-mom casts doubt on that. They’re also protective of their parents, and may write you off as mean.

Conclusion: Your Step-kids Don’t Have to Hate You

Your step-kids have to deal with their biological mother’s resentment, your husband’s inappropriate delegation of responsibility, accommodating you, and potential cases of you having overstepped healthy boundaries.

Understanding that will help you defuse situations and (with time and a little luck) connect with your step-children. That understanding paired with solid communication skills and honesty will help you and your spouse succeed as a couple and a family.

The post Why Your Step-kids Hate You (and What to Do About It) appeared first on Remarried With Children.

And then they act up. Children get out of line, forcing one of you to delicately toe the line between straightening them out and offending a spouse, widening the ever-growing chasm between the two of you. They’ve become the marriage’s focus, moving your relationship as a couple onto the back burner.

Obstacles to closeness

Being a wife to a man with children from a previous relationship is a complex, challenging role that requires thick skin, patience, tolerance, and flexibility. The children are the backdrop to your marriage. When your husband fails to acknowledge, appreciate, support, and participate in your efforts to integrate the family, you end up feeling irrelevant, frustrated, and drained. Here are some things that distance you from your husband:

• Fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt by your husband
• Lack of time and privacy to devote to your relationship
• Fragile trust
• Lack of mutual compassion
• Poor conflict resolution skills

Solution: Collaborative efforts

The path to a happier, more intimate marriage is paved with understanding. Only open, honest, transparent communication will get you there. Deepening emotional intimacy means having the courage to engage in difficult conversations: constructive, effective conversations that lead to mutually satisfying conflict resolution.

Additionally, the following activities will help you restore and secure closeness with your husband:

• Bring romance back to your marriage by scheduling uninterrupted couple time in and out of your home.
• Schedule 15-45 minute conversations on topics such as: vulnerability, fear of being hurt, being heard, feeling alone, needing support, conflict resolution procedures.
• Develop at least one fun activity for just the two of you.
• Devise a parenting plan with clear guidelines for the two of you to follow.
• Be compassionate in understanding each other’s challenges.
• Create a vision for your marriage.

Closing thoughts

Building loving relationships is complex and hard. You need honest communication, trust, courage, and compassion—all things made especially difficult in the wake of failed marriages’ past hurt. Understand, act, survive, and thrive.

The post Can Remarried Couples Stay Together? appeared first on Remarried With Children.

Understand the obstacles to co-parenting, their effects, and how to overcome them by collaborative planning, to keep your new marriage from ending the same way as your last one.

Obstacles to co-parenting

Co-parenting has a few primary obstacles: difficult exes, threatened spouses, manipulative children, parental guilt, and lack of open communication.

Difficult exes have trouble separating their emotions from their interaction with you or your new spouse. Consider having a trained therapist or professional divorce mediator help mediate between the households. If the ex is totally hostile, utterly deaf to reason, and completely uncooperative, inter-household parenting may be impossible. In such cases, you and your spouse have no recourse but to develop a parenting plan independent of your exes.

New spouses feel threatened, at times, by interaction between you your ex or by your ex’s influence on your new marriage. By having your new spouse take an active hand in your parenting plan, they will feel and see that their input matters. The more the mutual parenting plan is out in the open, the less they’ll feel like secrets are being kept from them, and the better idea they’ll have of the boundaries of the influence your ex can exert over their new home.

Manipulative children have an easier time when their parents don’t communicate clearly. While they often exploit the guilt parents have over dissolving their old home, they will have a tougher time lying to parents outside of the know, and won’t be able to easily exploit inconsistencies between the households. This goes double for cases where cooperative co-parenting via a good parenting plan reduces the amount of disciplinary differences between households.

Poor communication leads to less empathy and understanding. It can encumber coordination. It occasionally prevents children from receiving support they need in the wake of events they have mentioned to one parent, but not the other. It also allows children to use one household as a sanctuary from disciplinary consequences of the other.

Taking a structured approach to inter-household parenting will help you avoid these pitfalls.

Solution: A Parenting Plan

Treat the development of your parenting plan like a business project. Separate feelings from practical considerations, and focus on your children’s best interest. Your parenting plan should ideally be the product of you, your spouse, and your child’s other biological parent. If your ex refuses to cooperate, you can independently construct one with your spouse.

Developing the Parenting Plan

Figure out the following:

• when and how long you want to spend time with the kids
• the values and beliefs you want to teach your children
• disciplinary methods (rewards and consequences) you believe are right for your children

Collect all of that in a list and sort it by priority, as you will likely have to make some sacrifices. Sorting it by priority lets you track which sacrifices are most acceptable.

Bring your calendar with you, and be prepared to hash out the following:

• scheduling who gets the kids during which events (e.g. birthdays, holidays, vacation)
• determining who is responsible for transportation for extracurricular activities, doctors appointments, etc.
• keeping track of dates for school, activities, etc.

If enough of you are tech savvy, using something like Google Calendar or Outlook will simplify things and save you lots of work.

Get Your Ex-Spouse on Board

Schedule a meeting with your spouse. When you are done with your individual preparations, compare your list. Agree to be cordial. If either of you get to upset, take a 15-minute break or reschedule. Stand firm on critical issues, but expect to compromise on smaller things. Biological parents generally have the last word in how their children are raised. The ultimate product of your meeting should be a list that organizes the things most important to you and your spouse.

You are now ready to meet with your ex and his/her spouse, assuming that they have completed the same prep work. Agree on a comfortable meeting place. If you or your former spouses are not comfortable meeting their “replacements,” don’t let it obstruct co-parenting— meet alone. You already have your spouse’s input.

Bring the calendar and the list. Present each other with your ideal parenting plans by discussing each item separately. Meetings of 60-90 minutes are more productive than longer ones. It may take more than one meeting to resolve. Write down the items you agree on and those that require further negotiation. Type a summary and mail it to the other parent (or spouse, if they weren’t present) to maintain transparency.

Conclusion

Co-parenting is fraught with obstacles. Inter-household involvement in parenting is ideal, but the world doesn’t end without it. A good co-parenting plan involves a lot of planning, but it pays off by:

• keeping ex-spouses involved in their children’s lives in a positive way
• reducing spousal insecurity by increasing transparency of interaction with exes
• setting a good role model for your kids
• making scheduling easier and eliminating unpleasant surprise demands
• cutting down on kids’ manipulation by making it harder to pit parents against one another, and by having other adults involved in a way that curbs parental overcompensation resulting from guilt

Evaluate what’s in your power to change. Assume responsibility and stay accountable without playing the blame game. Don’t let scheduling or ideological conflicts surprise you.

It’s a big pill, but stick to as much of this as you can and you’ll be golden.

The post How to Develop a Parenting Plan After Remarriage appeared first on Remarried With Children.

The bitter pill is that Mother’s Day is primarily about mothers. If both the bio and step moms in your family can share the day, then bravo: there’s no need to read the rest of this. For the rest of us, here’s a guide to being sensitive and understanding during a surprisingly tense holiday for stepfamilies.

Bio-moms

This is your day. This is your day to be acknowledged for your role. This is your day to celebrate the relationship between you and your children.

You didn’t count on your children having a stepmom. You’re threatened by her kindness, her nurturing attitude, and your children’s feelings for her. Come to terms with her existence by understanding she’s not in competition with you. Parents are irreplaceable; you’re your children’s only biological mother. Regardless of their connection with her, they need their bond with you. She serves a different role.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is permission to like, and even love, their stepmother. They will love, appreciate, and respect you for giving them freedom of choice.

Stepmothers

Stepmothers feel unappreciated. Your husband, your stepchildren, and their biological mother take you for granted. They fail to appreciate all of the work that goes into accommodating their schedules, dropping them off, picking them up, and filling their bellies.

Mother’s day isn’t the time to fix it. Set aside a day—perhaps Sep. 16th, Stepfamily Day—where they can celebrate your place in their hearts.

Your stepchildren need to see you honor their relationship with their mother. Let their mother have her day with them, and don’t take it personally that Mother’s day isn’t your day. The children are confused enough by Hallmark and the media telling them what their perfect family day is supposed to look like, as it is.

Children

Children feel anxious trying to decide how to behave on Mother’s Day. They know their mother is expecting to feel like she is the one and only mother figure. If they like and love their stepmother, they want to acknowledge her too. They don’t want to hurt bio-mom’s feelings, so they ‘freeze,’ trying to figure out how to cause the least damage for themselves and the two mother figures in their lives.

Parents need to provide a warm and safe emotional environment for the children so they can express their thoughts and feelings, trusting that they are heard and that they matter. Consider the children’s wishes when deciding how to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Dads

Remarried dads walk a tight rope as Mother’s Day approaches. On one hand, they know they need to allow the day to be bio-mom’s day. On the other, they are aware of their wife’s distress and need to acknowledge her importance in the family. They feel that no matter what they are going to say or do, they will be responsible for someone’s disappointment.

Discussing the day in advance with their wife is very helpful. Set aside time to discuss the matter. Hear each other’s thoughts and feelings. Acknowledging your differences, and reaching compromise will make the day a source of celebration, instead of frustration.

Conclusion

In an ideal world, mothers and stepmothers would both be honored, pampered and loved on Mother’s Day, each equally accepting of and grateful for each other’s contribution to the children’s well being. This world is far from perfect. Be realistic, stop stepping on each other’s toes, and remember the children are best served by having biological and step parents treat each other congenially.

The post Stepfamily Mother’s Day: Mommageddon appeared first on Remarried With Children.

Biological mothers feel threatened by a potential mother figure entering their children lives. Memories of the good, the bad, and the ugly from their marriage to this man get reactivated. Anger, resentment and sadness overwhelm them and they resort to attack mode on the new wife.

“How I Left Your Mother”

Violated expectations breed strife. Everyone has ideas about how things should be, and dreams about how they will. And then, well, things aren’t. The new wife, the old father, and the young children all have their own expectations; the thread that threatens to unravel your marriage is how everyone winds up wrong.

These are the most volatile expectations that get violated:

Father’s expectations

• there will be an instantaneous love/getting-along between his wife and his children
• that his new wife can immediately serve as a new mother
• the children will welcome her with open arms
• his ex wife will be out of the picture

Stepmom’s expectations

• her husband will always be supportive
• her husband will always take her side
• the kids will respect and listen to her
• she’ll become good friends with the ex-wife
• step-kids will be welcoming or, at worst, indifferent, but not hostile

Bio-Mom’s expectations

• she’ll be her children’s only mom
• her mothering won’t be interfered with by her children’s new stepmother
• her children will be loyal to her
• she deserves to know everything about her children’s other household

Children’s expectations

• the relationship with their parents won’t change
• their new stepmom won’t discipline them
• their routine won’t change
• everything is about them

Damage Control for Stepmoms

How’s a stepmom to ensure her marriage endures the fallout? There are different measures you can take with your husband, your stepkids, and your stepkids’ mother.

Operate with your husband as a couple, not two people.

• Schedule topic-driven discussions. Make time for addressing specific issues. Don’t sidetrack. Attack one problem at a time until you reach a joint decision. E.g., if you feel unsupported or that you need help in dealing with your children’s biological mother, bring it up during one of these discussions. These discussions don’t have to be done daily, but rather as things come up. 15-45 minutes is a good block of time to dedicate. (More info at Tips for Conflict Resolution.)
• Nurture your relationship. Your husband has this responsibility too; make sure he knows it. The two of you should schedule time together as a couple, during which you don’t worry about your children, household, or anything but one another. Ideally, try for about:
  • 15 minutes of daily couple time.
  • a weekly date night (2-5 hours alone).
  • a weekend away, as a couple, every 3 months.
  • A note for these tough, economic times: Instead of hiring babysitters, if you’re friends with another couple with children, you can set up a sort of exchange program. Members of extended family (especially grandparents) can be a great help too!

Spare the Rod

• Don’t discipline your stepkids during your marriage’s first 18 months. Let their father do it.
• Instead, focus on developing bonds with your stepchildren.
• Acknowledge the relationship they have with their mother. You can tell them things like, “I’m happy that you have a good relationship with your mother. I’m not out to replace her. Your mother has a special place in your heart, and I accept that.”
• Acknowledge their bio mom’s rules. Your husband’s rules take precedence in your household, but don’t disparage the children’s mother for rules you find frivolous. If there’s a rule conflict between the two households, let your husband deal with his ex.
• Help your husband maintain the children’s routine as best possible. Children don’t like change; they like stability.
• Establish clear boundaries with your stepchildren. Even though you’re not yet responsible for disciplining your stepchildren, it’s fine to make clear that, for example, your stepdaughters aren’t to go into your room and use your clothes and make-up as though it were theirs.

Tame the Wicked Witch of the Other Household

Have a conversation. Meet in person, if possible, and if she’s not prone to sudden, violent outbursts. During it, make sure to address the following:

• Reassure her that you’re not out to replace her (as a mother, not a wife).
• Let her know that you’ll support her parenting decisions wherever possible.
• You’re not out to turn her children against her.
• Your husband will be the primary coordinator of information and planning between households. Unless she hates him. Just make sure she knows that you’re looking out for her children’s best interests.

Closing Thoughts

Curbing bad expectations keeps a lot of needless stress and conflict out of your life. Your relationship will be healthier, your marriage will be healthier, and everyone involved will be able to bench press the emotional equivalent of 300lbs without skipping a beat.

The post The Stepmom’s Marriage Manual appeared first on Remarried With Children.

He has been a stepfather for 25 years to this 29 year old woman and her sister. When I think of successful and happy remarriages, I think of this wonderful couple which I have the privilege to have as friends.

I hope you enjoy reading it. I would love to hear your impression of it.

Have a very happy, healthy and prosperous new year.

Here’s the letter:

Triumphant Love

I was not concerned about trying to find the right words to say when giving you this gift. I looked at what I put in this frame and the first thing that came to mind were the two words, “Triumphant Love”. I can’t help but cry because I realize now how hard it was to love us. Maybe me more than my sister, but you were triumphant in succeeding to create a bond out of a wreck. It’s moments like the one I framed that I remember more than the bad or hard times. I think that is what my problem is when I can’t recall things I did or said. Not only with me, but with any battle you have faced, you were triumphant, and now facing a battle that is truly life or death, I pray that you triumphant again. That these moments keep happening and that I have you in my corner for a joke, a hug, or a seat belt race.

I love you!
Merry Christmas!

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Unresolved grief, hostile exes, and your children’s fantasies collaborate to make this one of the most difficult times of the year for you, and here’s how.

The Ghost of Losses Past

Nostalgic holiday activities cause old grief to resurface. It may be grief over loss of an old marriage or of a support system like an ex’s extended family or once-mutual friends.

Problem

You may fear that the stormy emotions you are experiencing indicate that you miss your ex, that you still have feelings for your former spouse, or that maybe you remarried prematurely. You panic, withdraw from your spouse, and become overly accommodating of your ex. Your spouse now feels slighted.

Solution

• Acknowledge and recognize your feelings, whether they are positive, negative, or both.
• Understand that memories and feelings resurface on anniversaries of events and special occasions such as holidays. It does not necessarily indicate that you want to be back with your ex; it’s just your brain healing from past traumas.
• Write a goodbye letter to your ex. but do not send it. It is an excellent tool for letting go and getting closure on the old feelings and the relationship. It liberates you from the past and helps you heal.

The Ghost of Marriage Past

Anger, hostility, and rigidity often linger after divorce. The more conflicted the marriage and the divorce, the greater the residual enmity. Even if you’ve already let go, your ex may not have.

Problem

Organizing even minor custody changes is tense and unfruitful. The holidays are hectic and plans get interrupted by unexpected circumstances. Those interruptions give your ex an opportunity to resist rescheduling and spite you.

Solution

• E-mail is a great communication tool because it allows for an opportunity to process information and plan responses.
• Validate your ex’s frustration with you changing schedules, and make your point succinctly without making it personal.
• Transparency. Run things by your present spouse first, when collaborating with your ex. It will deepen your trust and intimacy.

The Ghost of Rituals Past

Your children plea with you to celebrate the holidays like in the old times. They want both biological parents and their extended families, in addition to your new spouse and his/her family. They miss the old rituals and want to continue being one big, happy family.

Problem

The children still grieve the loss of their biological family. Continuing to celebrate together sends the children mixed messages about the relationship between you and their other parent. It awakens fantasies of their biological parents reuniting. Your present spouse will feel uncomfortable if you suggest to celebrate with your ex for the children’s sake.

Solution

• Develop new holiday traditions after your remarriage.
• Maintain some old traditions for the sake of familiarity, comfort, and continuity.
• Listen to your children attentively. Remind them that you love them and that as a responsible parent, you make the decisions based on their best interests, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

Closing thoughts

Clear boundaries are essential in any relationship. People feel safer when they know what to expect and that their needs are respected. In divorced families, in particular, boundaries between households help children adjust during transitions.

The holidays present a great opportunity for parents and children to deepen their connections through planning fun, meaningful activities. For stepfamilies, it’s also a way to develop new traditions and strengthen bonds between stepchildren and step parents.

For more advice, check out 5 Ways to Ruin Stepfamily Holidays and read Your Stepfamily Holiday Survival Guide.

[post-cta=”stepmom”]

The post 3 Ghosts of Marriage Past Sure to Plague Your Holidays appeared first on Remarried With Children.