Hey everyone long time no post… So, I thought I would check in and just mention some new news on Alice. There was a book recently written called Alice in Chains: The Untold Story by David de Sola.

The author David did approach me to participate like he did a LOT of people so I wasn’t special but at the time.. I was still a lot leary of all the previous book writers so I was just a little sketched out hearing from another one… so I declined an interview. Plus I may want to write my own book someday and I have already shared so much here with you guys which I loved doing by the way… I really enjoyed all the conversations and writing this blog actually really helped me to heal.

Grief is why I originally started this blog and then people started to respond to what I was writing so I wrote more and wow… it helped me so much just sharing about my friends that I lost and having people be genuinely interested..so honestly.. Thanks to you to all who have read this website and I will continue to keep it up as long as people continue to visit it.

This is the first time I’ve posted in 2 years I think…. Crazy how time flies but it also does show how far I have come in my grieving process. I have finally come to terms they’re all gone and I truly believe they’re all at peace and so am I.

Anyway, I have not read this book (or any of the books) yet myself…and not sure I will yet.. but I have talked to a few people on the facebook groups who really supported the book… but this is was also coming from people who didn’t actually know them. So who knows.

So… the jury is out. You guys tell me.. Is it good?

Click below to buy it on Amazon. Leave a comment in the comment section if you’ve already bought it and read it. I’d love to hear what you all think.

Alice in Chains: The Untold Story

Then you look back on this video… LOL!

The interviewer was a total idiot and you could tell they obviously thought so… Layne and Mike the comedians.. Sean playing the drums on the table and making paper planes.. Jerry trying to reign in his bandmates now and then and even answer a question seriously every once in a while. Haha! Just a really A-Typical AIC interview.

Miss those guys… so much!!

Demri and Dave Hillis

Long lost photos of Demri and Dave Hillis

Demri Lara Parrott  – February 22nd 1969 – October 29th 1996

Oct 29th is a day a lot of us who knew and loved Demri will never forget. I know I will personally miss Demri as long as I live… but today marks the day that Demri was taken from us ALL forever. Today the site received a comment from Demri’s Mom Kathleen which is so special because she thought of us and wanted to let us know how she felt today and I personally wanted everyone who watches this site.. friends, fans and people who loved her… a chance to hear from her Demri’s Mom today.

Kathleen’s comment was left on one of my older posts.. so I just wanted to share it so that everyone would get a chance to read it…because I know a lot of us love and respect Kathleen a lot.

Remember life is short and so special..love your loved ones today because we might not have a tomorrow. Tell them you love them every chance you get!
A loving comment from Kathleen (Demri”s Mother) after she ran into Darin Lamb and found out about my website for the first time… what a blessing.

Demri’s Mom – Kathleen Austin and Demri’s 2 dearest friends Cody, Mara and Fabiola – 2010

Comment From: Kathleen 10-11-12

“Hi Barb,

I ran into Darin a few days back always nothing but love when we see each other. He directed me to your site which is beautiful. People don’t seem to understand how much Demri suffered the last 2-1/2 years of her life spent mostly in hospital several times on life support given hours to live or that she didn’t complain and was always more concerned about others than herself.

While it warms my heart that people want to know about her, care about her, love her and most of all have not forgotten her genuinely unique gifts. As her mother, when I am missing her most all I have to do is google………..I am so happy you made it, I tried to direct Rosheen’s Mother Tina to your site but she didn’t get it so I will continue to try. Thanks for setting the record when it needs to be…………K”

COMMENT LEFT ON ORIGINAL POST: DARIN LAMBS GUEST POST – ONE OF LAYNE AND DEMRIS BEST FRIENDS AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND

Comment From: Kathleen 10-29-12

“On this anniversary of Dem’s passing I just want to thank all of you especially you Barbara, Darin and Fabiola for making these bittersweet days a little brighter….when I am aching and missing her I can come here…

.Perhaps my niece will write about Dem’s life it seems some folks are interested….but I’ll need you guys for those times….we were so close as you know…the misinformation and assumptions out there just doesn’t get it…thanks for truth…love you kathleen”

COMMENT LEFT ON ORIGINAL POST: DARIN’S GUEST POST – COMMENTS

I took this picture with my web camera.. the picture was a photo copy taped to my wall..

Demri Layne and Darin Lamb

I love this picture of Dem.. her hair.. her style..her attitude and her smile.. everything that made her Demri is in this picture. She just GLOWS!!

Demri looking sweet and beautiful.. she was such a natural beauty. She did not need makeup to shine. She was perfect just the way she was…

Demri could pull of any look and this picture is a great example of her versatility as a model. She loved to model and I love this picture of her…

Demri just being Demri..

Rest in Peace Sweet Girl – Demri Lara Parrott 1969-1996

ROSHEEN RAUGI

Rosheen and Demri – RIP Rosheen Raugi June 19th 1997 — Rosheen was my best friend. We grew up together and we lost her 9 months after Demri. Demri and Rosheen loved each other very much and I loved them both.

Photos by Soopy

Rosheen and Demri – RIP Rosheen Raugi June 19th 1997

Rosheen Raugi and Demri Parrott

MORE PICS OF DEMRI AND FRIENDS

Demri and Xana La Fuente by Jack Plasky

DEMRI AND LAYNE AS TRUE YOUNGINS!

Demri Parrott and Layne Staley – Love Hate Love

Another favorite Demri being Demri…

More pictures of Demri can be found on my Flickr account at: RememberingDemri

Dearest Dem, I will forever miss you..you silly, sweet, wild and precious fairy child.
I will also never let you be forgotten as long as my heart beats….this website was made in memory of you, Layne and Rosheen..and now sadly, Mike too.

I started writing this journal online because writing about losing you all… has helped to heal my broken heart when nothing else did.  I was encouraged even more to see that people actually came here to read it and asked for more…

This website was also made with the AIC fans in mind and to introduce you to them…the real Demri not just the girlfriend of Layne Staley.

Now to think… there’s Demri fan sites and Facebook groups!? So crazy cool and I know you’d agree…or I wouldnt of told my stories or shared your pictures.

I want people to know that you also had an amazingly strong and smart Mom who not only cherished you but also tragically lost you to a demon that she was powerless to fight against and so were you.. that she lost you far too soon.. which broke her heart and not long after…she tragically lost your brothers too….Your life may of taken a wrong turn and you got too lost too find your way back but that was not your whole story. I know that.

You also made people smile and giggle and anyone who was ever part of your life… no matter how long or how short.. will NEVER forget you.

Guys wanted to be noticed by you and most girls wanted to be like you or be your friend!

You were never just “Layne Staley’s girlfriend”… you were definitely an energy and a force all your own. You are so missed.

I also want to be straight up about why Demri, Layne, Rosheen and Mike are gone now… they’re stories should never be romanticized.

These talented people were all under the thumb of an evil drug addiction that tortured them and eventually ended their lives and heroin is not a drug you try once so if you want to be another tragic statistic..go ahead and “try it only once” but I’ll tell you from my own personal experience being there when people have tried that it for the first time and very few successfully do that.

The next time I’d run into those people who just meant to try it once would almost always be totally caught up and addicted. Most of us refused to turn someone on for the first time. Demri tried to warn me too and I also ignored her and lost years of my life.. that I can barely remember and doing almost everything I had always promised myself that I’D NEVER DO… I EVENTUALLY ENDED UP DOING THINGS I COULD NEVER OF IMAGINED… ALWAYS JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THAT FUCKING EVIL ADDICTION!! ITS NOT A GLAMOROUS DRUG AND ITS NOT SOME MYSTERIOUS ROCK STAR SHIT.

ITS JUST FUCKED UP BULLSHIT! YOU NEED TO STAY FAR FAR AWAY FROM!!

The sad parts of all of our lives are the MOST important cautionary tales on this website.. written for someone who needs to hear it or some kid or young adult who thinks they just wanna try heroin someday… Do not do it!

It is an extremely powerful demon drug that can steal your life and your inner strength faster then you’ll have control of….

Heroin is a beast of a drug all it’s own… in short or in layman’s terms..it ruins your ability to be naturally happy. It floods your brain’s receptors with nothing but the good feeling chemicals and then when you try to say “OK, I’m done I’ve had enough”..Well, too bad…because your body and your brain will fight and lie to you..Just one more time it will say…you’ll promise yourself over and over.. until you eventually just give up and can’t fight it anymore because you get so violently sick.

Then bring on the lying to hide it from everyone who loves you, bring on the HORRIBLE shame and actual disgust for yourself for turning into everything you had always looked down on or at least never thought you’d become..a junkie. Great work and it happens faster than you know and very few actually survive this mistake.

Believe me because I know. I watched so many people either die or just become such a broken mess they probably wish they were dead. Shadows of their former selves and it happens faster then you know unless you’ve seen it happen before… then you know exactly what I mean.

Pretty soon you’re just doing it to feel normal and function and you don’t even get high anymore or getting high gets harder to accomplish without having to do more then usual..and rarely can you even afford to get well…but that is also how some addicts accidentally overdose..just trying to feel it or after they’ve gotten clean for awhile..like after getting out of rehab, jail or detox and then they relapse and overdose because their tolerance has gone way down and they accidentally do too much.. That’s probably almost 80% of the reasons why an addict will overdose. Or they try to do 3x what they usually do or something stupid like that.

There are also the addicts who just seem to overdose all the time and I don’t know if their bodies are not built to handle it or what but there’s always “that girl” or “that guy” that no one wants to get high around or with because they know they might end up giving them CPR by the end of the night… and let me tell you when you have someone’s life in YOUR hands… that’s traumatizing. For life.

When someone you care about turns blue and stops breathing… that will mess with you forever. I have never had anyone die on me but I have given more people then I can actually count or remember CPR and I was never afraid to call the ambulance either.

The EMTS never did anything but save your friends life. They didnt want people to be too scared to call them. I dont know how it is nowadays though. Hopefully it’s still like that because its important that addicts be able to call for help without worrying they’re gonna go to jail.

There are very few happy endings for heroin addicts. The statistic for heroin addicts who get clean and stay clean are actually depressing and shocking. Most heroin addicts who manage to get clean.. will also eventually relapse. Heroin usually either ends in jail, life long opiate replacement programs like methadone or suboxone or death.

It ruins your health and your self confidence, your self esteem and your creativity. It tries to steal your life and the sparkle or energy that flows within us all. Do not let it get YOU! That’s what all 4 of my friends whose lifes are over would tell you all who are hear reading this.

If you’re saying to yourself “Ahh.. I KNOW…I just wanna try it once…BELIEVE ME I am not stupid” it doesnt usually end up working out like that. Heroin isn’t a “social drug” that you experiment with.

If your brain and body like it… your brain and your body will talk you into trying it again.. and again and before you know it…and pretty soon you can’t stop it…and even if your brain and your body agree with your heart…drug addiction is cunning. There are very few who are strong enough to keep up the fight for as long it will take to stop completely and for a  lifetime. It can sneak back in and take over even faster then it did the first time.

Some statistics:

• In 2017, 81,000 Americans tried heroin for the first time.
• Over 15,500 Americans died from a heroin overdose in 2018.

I know that this might sound discouraging for the addicts whose reading this… but if they’re heroin addicts… then they already know the harsh truth.

YES, IT IS POSSIBLE to get and stay clean but you have to do it for yourself. You have to completely get away from your environment you used in… like the whole city… you gotta find all new friends and you need to want it more then anything else!!

BECAUSE YOU ARE SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!

SORRY, but no one I’ve known has ever STAYED clean for someone else’s sake, because they’ve been shamed or guilt tripped into getting clean…

Sure, that might work for a short while but ultimately addicts need more incentives in their life then how someone else feels… and those two things shame and guilt can also completly back fire on family members who always seem to try this route too and it will just cause their addict to go deeper and farther into their addiction and they may begin to isolate themselves emotionally and physically away from the people who made them feel that way because they don’t wanna let them down anymore or let them see the disgusting mess they know they’ve become.. so they’ll just remove themselves from their lives instead.. breaking everyone’s hearts including their own.

Addicts in your life should never be seen as selfish assholes.. most are actually just broken and sad and while they may come off as being selfish because they won’t get clean for you… most are  just not equipped to know HOW to get clean or are too scared to try. It usually has nothing to do with how much they love YOU. Especially if you’re their parents, siblings or children. Believe me they love you!! It has nothing to do with you why they can’t get clean.

I also do NOT recommend enabling or helping addicts stay in their addiction by loaning them money or letting them stay with you.. especially if their addiction is messing up your own daily life…but I also don’t recommend calling them names or hating on them either… they do that enough to themselves already. Believe me. Just let them know you’ll be there when they’re ready to get clean.

Every story is different so I can’t claim to say this is the best advice for every person with an addict in their lives. Get help for yourself from someone whose been there or a professional and they can help you learn how to handle your specific situation better.

It will take a different catalyst for every addict to finally take that leap off the cliff and get help…some will need to be love bombed, some will need tough love… jail is not the answer… but ALL will need the help of people who understand them and won’t judge them and a very strong and loving support system, also time away from their old friends, sometimes family and the places they’ve used in is crucial and they all need to want it at least enough to try it one day and then hopefully one more day… and they will need to learn new tools to cope with their new reality and how to live their new life clean without the old faithful emotional and physical buffer of opiates.

As mean and selfish as it may sound for an addict to abandon their loved ones… THAT’S exactly what I am talking about! This drug is so powerful and addicting that people will keep using… even when they’re slowly killing themselves, ruining their lives and hurting the people they love the most! Their own Children, Parents, best friends, partners and lovers do not usually stand a chance against it.

Addiction can change a person’s priorities and also put huge dent in their moral compass… even having children isn’t enough for some addicts..  the one love that people cherish the most in their lives. Their children. So heartbreaking for everyone.

Opiate Addiction is selfish to the core. Addicts not necessarily. Depends on the person but most would do anything to be all that their families wanted for and from them but addicts can get so far gone and lost… that they can’t see the light at the end of the heroin tunnel anymore… and heroin has become their everything. Heroin becomes their lover, their mother, their friend…. and a life without it again… can seems totally unrealistic and near impossible to ALOT of addicts if not all and that may sound stupid, heartless of them but most addicts I’ve known are also the most sensitive, loving, non-judgmental and wisest people I’ve known.

I’ve also met some true asshole addicts… but they were usually born that way. Heroin doesnt turn you into an asshole. You do that on your own! That is a horrible excuse some addicts may use to treat people badly, steal from people they know or physically hurt people.. that’s all on them still.

Ok, I’ve said enough here… I hope I help someone with my stories. That would mean everything to me.

I am good today but I did have to leave Seattle and start a whole new life away from everyone I knew.

I feel empathy for all addicts. Doesnt mean I want them in my life. I am here to support if I can but a simple chat is as far as I’ll go. I am not strong enough to deal with addicts bullshit anymore. Their pain or their struggle. For my own sobriety I need to stay away from addicts. Addicts are a triggers for me so 12 step meetings are not good for me but they work for a lot of people at least in the beginning stages they worked for me too. Try whatever it takes and if you’re NOT an addict… then all you have to do… is never try it in the first place!!!

Tutus and combat boots forever!

~ Barbara

This website is dedicated to Demri Parrott, Layne Staley, Mike Starr and Rosheen Raugi with love and for anyone who ever thinks they wanna try it just once for fun.. I will speak for us all in saying… we hope you read this and change your minds.

Get Notified of Website Updates:

If you want to sign up to get notified of our website updates.. please enter your email address into the form at the bottom of the right hand sidebar.

Thank you. ~ Barbara

Photo Sources:

• Soopy on Flickr
• Jack Plasky

Recently I asked an old and very dear friend of mine Darin Lamb to please be a guest on this website because I knew that he of all people had a lot to share about the REAL Layne Staley.  He has been more then gracious to write the following post and he welcomes you as Laynes friends and fans to please ask him whatever you would like… the only thing he promises to be is BRUTALLY honest.

~ Barbara

“Well… its been 10 years since Layne passed and I’ve kept silent. My name is Darin Lamb but most people know me as D-ROCK. At the time of Layne’s passing and many years before that I would have considered us best friends. There are many reasons for this but the #1 reason is because of our LOYALTY to each other as a friends!

I’ve basically kept silent all these years out of respect for his family and because I just wasn’t ready to break the silence.

But today I am ready to talk… through the years I’ve “thrown up” a little in my mouth at a lot of the shit I read about Layne that was supposed to be “factual”.

Layne showed me the meaning of what “unconditional LOVE” was and that’s why he is and forever will be a part of me. I’m brutally honest and I’m ready to answer some of the questions you might have about Layne.

I can tell you so many stories. Layne is a legend.  He wore his heart on his sleeve but that slowly faded when people started to try and run his life. Which is sad for a lot of people whom he could have touched. But I would be honored and blessed to set things straight and I know in my heart Layne is probably saying “what the fuck its about time” so on the behalf of my BEST friend for years and his soul…

May you “REST IN PEACE” brother…..

Darin Lamb aka…D-ROCK”

Candles Red I have a Pair…. Darin Lamb Tattoo

Pictures of the private Memorial Program shared by Darin Lamb on his Facebook recently…

IMPORTANT:

Darin’s Personal Stories will be shared in the Comments

If you’d like to subscribe to the comments on this post then you must leave at least ONE comment and then click the boxes to subscribe to comments and then you’ll get an email every time someone comments.. and… well… It might just be worth it if you’re a real fan…..because that is what this post is all about.. a conversation about Layne with his Fans. Please try to not ask redundant questions that have already been answered. You can ask for clarification but try to be specific.

Subscribe to RememberLayne.com by Email
Follow Us on Twitter

All text content on this website is copyrighted by © RememberLayne.com
Text and/or comments may not be reproduced on or offline with out permission.

1/8/2014

I’ve turned comments back on for this post but don’t be shocked if I don’t respond and don’t be shocked if I do… I at one point closed it because I was getting so many emails every day it was overwhelming but it’s been a year so things have cooled down so I’m turning it back on…

Here is some more amazing fan art from the artists at Deviantart.com which is also one of my favorite art websites. I thought these were some of the best out of the MANY tribute pieces to Layne there. He is still so loved and admired.

Layne Staleyby ~rohanvoigt

Layne Staley by ~sweetnvicious

Layne by ~salva-door

sunbeam by ~salva-door

the shades by ~salva-door

Layne Staley detail by *eyedeal-ink

Layne Staley by ~Laynesgirl

Alice in Chains by ~Laynesgirl

Layne Staley by ~Laynesgirl

Legends never die by ~LuciLoveRock

Mike’s unchained book is also going for a crap load of money. Too bad that’s exactly what they are.. pure crap.

Adriana Rubio’s books on Amazon.com

Adriana Rubio’s books on Amazon

Layne Books on Amazon.com

Adriana Rubio’s books

Click the books to find them on Amazon

Mike Starrs Book

Other Recommended Books

Well.. it’s been 10 years today since Layne passed away and honestly I still can not even fathom that it’s been that long.. I’ve had another child since then and so many things have happened in my life.. I can’t help but wonder where Layne, Demri and Mike would be today if maybe they had made some different choices. I’m not even sure it’s all about choices or if it’s destiny or if possibly someone up in the sky has a big plan for us all. Who knows. I admit to know nothing.
All I know is I lost people who meant a lot to me and that their deaths paralyzed and devastated me.

First it was Demri and then 6 months later Rosheen and then Layne and then Mike.. so yeh by the time Mike died.. I had become numb and just hurt.

I started posting about Demri 12 years ago on my Livejournal mostly because I missed her and because it bothered me that no one even knew who she was.. I felt that she deserved to be remembered too.. and maybe she was not famous or in a band but she was someone that mattered enough to be remembered. I was happy to see people were interested and people did want to know about her..then Layne passed away and I started this website and I wrote more about my memories and stories about what they were like as “normal” people and how they had effected me personally. I hated that Layne was not remembered for being one of the MOST amazing musician we’ve had in our generation but more for the reclusive drug addicted man talked about in the media.. I believe his true fans and friends knew better..him being a drug addict did not take away from the amazing person he was and it was the shame he felt that made him become reclusive..

This site has helped me so much to heal and I’d like to believe it has helped others as well.
I don’t cry randomly as much anymore. Time does heal I guess but I think writing for me has been even more helpful then time alone. I always wished more people would come forward and share their stories about them online and that has finally happened now that we have Facebook and everyone.. including their Mothers are plugged in. Haha!
Yep including mine.

Melinda and Gayla Starr have shared their pictures and their memories of Mike. Pictures of Demri are still few and far between but they come out of the blue now and then. I wish there were more of her being just Dem and less of her posing for photographers. (not to take away from the beautiful pictures we have of her by Jack Plasky). I’am grateful for those pictures because with out them we would have next to nothing.

But who would not like to see more photos like this…..

Anyway, sorry if I get off track but I can not think of Layne with out thinking of Dem…I miss them both.

I still feel like I’ve said almost everything I have to say about them and now I just have to heal and move on. They will forever be in my heart and my mind and I will never in a million years forget the good times we shared. Rest in Peace Layne and Demri and Mike and Rosheen and Please Lord do not let this list get longer.

  Mike Starr and Barbara Dearaujo

I will forever miss the times I spent with Mike.. he really was such a fun loving and sweet guy and we both cared a lot about each other. He was a great boyfriend. I was only about 19-20 years old in this picture. I met Mike from my cousin Patrick who was the guitar player for a band called “Cats and Dogs” and we met at the Vogue. The Man in the Box video had just been released on MTV…and I had just moved to Seattle from Santa Barbara so I did not know anyone but my cousin and his friends and I was underage so I could not go out to the clubs..anyway that night my cousin took me out and his girlfriend let me use her ID…little did I know how much my life would change that year…I was so naive when I moved there. I had been raised in a small beach town (Laguna Beach, CA) and Seattle seemed so BIG and the people were so CRAZY… it was nothing like what I was used too.

Me in Mike Starr’s room.. posted by Melinda Starr on her Facebook and taken from Mike’s photo album

I remember I thought Mike was totally lying to me about his last name… Haha! You can’t blame me though. Mike Starr was just too perfect for a rock star’s REAL name.  Just could not be.

I gave Mike the silver pendent necklace he’s wearing in this picture and you can also see it in most of the Dirt promo posters. I remember being super excited and touched about that.. haha! Cute. He had gone to LA while we were dating to record Dirt..

He had the best hair..ringlets. Girls would die for Mike’s hair.

Even a couple years after we broke up.. I ran into Mike and he told me how he was getting his Platnum albums for Facelift and he could get like 10 of them or something and he wanted me to have one.. I thought that would be awesome but never honestly expected to ever see it. Then like a month later I ran into him again and he took me to the office downtown and picked up my album. I was shocked and moved that he still cared that much about me. I lost everything I’ve owned several times over the years but that is the one thing I have always held onto for dear life. It even has airline stickers on the back from me dragging it on airplanes. Haha! You’d have to pull it from my dead hands…. he is with me forever and I’m proud of his accomplishments and so was he.

 Mike you will be forever missed

Demri just being her free dorky fun self… adorable Demri! Pictures by Cat Evangeline 

Xana and Demri – by Jack Plasky

Beautiful Xana La Fuente taking a bath in Demri and Layne’s bathtub.. I totally remember this shower curtain. Pictures by Cat Evangeline

Xana was Andrew Wood’s girlfriend & Muse (Andrew Wood was the singer of Mother Love Bone, was an amazing, talented and gifted artist who was taken from us too young and from heroin addiction as well).

I personally LOVED Mother Love Bone.. they were one of my all time favorite Seattle bands and in general.  I was not lucky enough to actually meet Xana and Andrew but I heard a lot about them both from friends and from Demri. Andrew passed away before I moved to Seattle he died in 1990 and I moved there in 1992.

One of my favorite Mother Love Bone Songs that makes me think of Xana..because he says her name in the song. I really wish Layne would of added Dem’s name to one of his songs but we all knew he was singing about her. 

Quoted Article:

LAMENT FOR A STAR CHILD
BY LONN M. FRIEND 1991

Seattle’s 1st Street is alive with people and music tonight. Just a short block or two stroll down this quaint, but bustling down
town drag, and you’re overcome by the sights, sounds and smells of this mini-San Francisco’s inner-pop-culture consciousness. From one club a drum machine strain blares, from another the divine whine of a jazz saxophone. But the beat that bellows biggest on 1st Street comes from the Central Tavern, the rock hangout in Seattle. Tonight, Mother Love Bone’s bassist Jeff Ament is jamming with his local unsigned band, War Babies. Members of Alice In Chains, Queensryche and Metal Church chat with their buds out in front; there’s a scraggly looking fellow selling hot dogs out of a trashcan lid; and leaning up against the brownstone building wall of the venue, surrounded by friends and hangers, is a tall, slender, curiously attractive girl with deep brown eyes and a lilting, yet firm demeanor. She smiles reservedly at those who share a moment of idle chatter, but you can’t help but notice that she looks…lonely.

When Mother Love Bone’s enigmatic and gifted vocalist died suddenly March 1990, Xana La Fuente was wearing his engagement ring. She’d spent the past four years connected to him physically, emotionally, spiritually and musically. In tragic irony, she was the one to discover his overdosed body.

“He was dead when I found him, and I didn’t really realize it,” she remembers. “I flipped him over and was shaking him. I looked at his arm and dialed 911 . They told me to get him on his back and give him CPR. When they arrived, they pronounced him dead, made me sign this paper, and then told me to go to the hospital. When I got to the hospital, Andy was alive. He was alive for three days.

“He had an aneurysm in his brain that would have caused him to have a stroke eventually; so he did the drugs and probably had a stroke a few hours later, which knocked him out. They got his heart going again at the hospital, but his brain had swelled up from not breathing. They told me he could get worse, which he did. We had a meeting with the doctors on that Monday, and they said Andy’s brain was dying, and it wasn’t going to get any better. We had three hours to say goodbye to him.

“His whole family was at the hospital, like 20 people. They all went in and saw him. Then all of his friends went in and saw him. Then I went in had cut his hair off and kept it. I played some Queen for him-they were his favorite band. The doctors turned everything off, and I just held him really tight and listened to his heart .until it stopped. It took like 15 minutes.
God, it’s so wild. I can’t believe I went through that. When I think about it all, it freaks me out.”

Their relationship is reflected in the songs on Apple. “Crown of Thorns” was written about a nasty. breakup between Andy and Xana over his on and-off-again dabbling in heroin and alcohol. “This song is about a relationship ruined by drugs,” she explains. “He wrote it about our near breakup, and how I tried to control him and the drugs-hence his allusion to being tied to the ceiling.” According to Xana, “Andy was always ashamed of his addictions, choosing to lose himself in his music and poetry, bathing himself in concepts of real love and acceptance. `Stardog Champion‘ was one of his `anthem for survival’ songs. It was an up time, and he really felt he was beating it. He had a choir, children from the San Francisco area (made up of foster and abused children), come in and sing backing vocals on this song.
“They were recording Apple, and he called me,” she recalls. “He said to me, ‘Xana, I know I need help when I get home. I know I need help, and you have to help me. I want you to help me.’ “
“Stargazer, you call the shots/ stargazer, won’t you kick with me. “

No one knew Andy Wood like Xana did. She had helped him time and again struggle with his drug addiction. Amazingly, Andy had been clean 116 days prior to his overdose. Those around the Seattle drug scene claim that, on the weekend of Andy’s death, three other individuals OD’d on the same bad heroin he had shot. They survived, and Andy didn’t, it is surmised, because on that particular day, Andy was alone. The others weren’t. There was no one there to help him this time-not even Xana.

There are numerous questions surrounding Andy Wood’s death, but they’re not worth elaborating. The most important fact remains that rock ‘n’ roll has lost a wonderful artist whose talent was never allowed to flourish. For those of us who didn’t know Andy, we have but his one and only offering. Xana insists that Mother Love Bone will not continue without its founder, singer and inspirational leader. A dear Friend of Andy’s and a central figure in the Seattle music scene, Soundgarden’s manager Susan Silver, believes that Andy and Love Bone were destined for huge success. “No one will ever know what incredible talent was really there.“

But Apple was not the culmination of Andy’s musical legacy. “I have a box full of all his solo stuff,” Xana says proudly. “It’s mine. Hardly anybody else has copies of it. There’s stuff there that the band has never even heard. It’s really cool and weird, ’cause he wrote so much religious stuff in the weeks prior to his death. All these songs about heaven and dying. I loved him so much.”