My head is swirling, my heart is full.

The time I spent in Nashville meeting so many women I admired through my computer screen for so long was just fabulous. Yes, the hotel was amazing. Yes, the sessions were informative. But the best times were the times I sat at a small table with friends having coffee, or lunch, or dinner. The times spent sitting on a bed in a hotel room and just talking with, laughing with, inspiring and encouraging one another.

I heard over and over again from other people how amazing it was to meet some of these people and to feel like there is nothing different between our online selves and our real life selves. Other than that I did hear quite often how glad people were to know I am human when I took my daily afternoon breaks to have a panic attack each day. Or the times that I cried, one time for no reason, and another for a very big reason. I hope it all just showed we are real people sitting here at our computers. We are women who inspire by being ourselves – even when it’s not pretty.

I spent the morning going through my photos. As it turns out, I talked a lot more than I took pictures. There are people I met that I have been waiting to meet for 2 years and then never took a single photo to document it. Sigh.

I did get some pics, though, so here we go. My weekend of bliss documented in some random snapshots, not nearly enough to capture the real moments. I didn’t have my camera out for when I was laughing so hard at dinner one night, that my gut hurt. I didn’t have my camera when I had coffee with someone who didn’t care that I had stumbled out of bed 6 minutes earlier and we shared our hearts. I didn’t  have my camera when big conversations about life and faith occurred. But it all happened and it all was fabulous and I loved every moment.

Emily (chatting at the sky), Edie (life in grace), Melissa (a familiar path)

Edie, Lindsay (living with lindsay) and Kimm (reinvented)

Amy (mom advice) and me

Melissa (the inspired room) and Kimba (a soft place to land)

Emily and The Nester, who are just about the cutest and sweetest sisters ever.

The Emilys

Then there was the Harry Connick, Jr. concert.

Lindsay

and AnNicole (our suburban cottage)

The women we can all blame that I even went to Blissdom, Melissa and The Nester who peer pressured me into going.

you can take up your complaints with them.

As I was driving home from the airport last night, my 2 year old son called me crying and saying “I need you, mama”. I couldn’t wait to get home. To the little ones who tackled me before I even got out of the car. To the husband who was so excited and supportive of my time away and kept things together here at home (other than the washing machine I need to replace today). To my home where I kicked my heels off, grabbed some frozen pizza, curled up on the couch and watched some football, and felt as comfortable as ever.

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Blissful

• Link Love: Real Life Meeting
• Photos and Memories
• Photos and Memories
• Finding Comfort
• Procrastination At Its Finest

I leave tomorrow morning on an airplane headed for Nashville to attend Blissdom. Thank goodness I got my panic attack out of the way yesterday because I am too busy today for such things. I have a son who can’t wait for me to leave so he can go to my parents’ house and ride the tractor. Until then, he’s making a mess of the living room with his trains. Which I will have to find time to clean up tonight.

I have a hubby who will be busy putting new tile in the shower tomorrow night since he doesn’t usually get me to leave for 4 days straight so he can do it without me whining that I smell bad from not being able to shower.

I have a daughter who is at school but can’t wait to go on a date just the two of us tonight. She asked if I’d take her out for chinese. So that’s what we’ll do and bring some home for the boys. I’m off the hook for cooking tonight, whew!

And then there is me. Big bundle of nerves me, who can’t wait to just get there and stop worrying about everything.

I got this beautiful necklace in the mail this week from Beki of The Rusted Chain blog and shop. I love it and can’t wait to wear it this weekend.

One last thing before I go try to zip my overstuffed bag shut and make the house acceptable. I am the newest columnist over at Simple Mom and my first article went up this morning. You can find it here. That first photo that I dug out to include in the article completely and totally has me wishing it was summer and I was at the cottage right now. Well, right after I get back from Nashville.

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While I’m Packing…

• Sunday Link Love – I Saw Red Edition
• Friday Roundup – The Mardi Gras Edition
• Looming Vacation Makes Me Cheap
• I Made a Shower Curtain
• Be Frugal and Recycle: Use Freecycle!

“You can be Nerdock” (his hilarious pronunciation of Murdoch), he said, offering up his favorite train if I would just get down on the floor and vroom trains with him.

Why not? Why am I always putting the other stuff first? Why can I only play when I am done with what I am doing? Why can’t I play trains, get a snack for them, take them for a walk, go outside to push them on the swings RIGHT NOW?

The kitchen will always need to be clean. There will always be more laundry to wash, dry, fold, put away. There will always be errands to run, rooms to tidy, beds to make. The fact is, that stuff gets done. It might get done late at night when I’d rather be sleeping or it may get done during naptime when I’d rather be vegging.

I don’t want to be the mom who always says, “In a minute.” I want to jump up and say, “Yes! I can do that. Now.”

My daughter came to me tonight – she wanted to bake brownies. I told her earlier today we would. My mind raced to the 12 other things on my list I thought I “had” to do, but I said yes. I put what I was doing down, and made brownies, knowing I won’t always have these kid this little.

No more “In a minute”. Childhood won’t wait. If I can be Nerdock and lick the brownie spoon, the other stuff can wait.

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It Won’t Wait

• While I’m Packing…
• 10 Minutes
• Inspired By Quiet
• 10 Minutes
• Where Memories Are Made

My husband was a rock climber when I met him. We were young and did crazy things like drive across the country, living out of a big van and visiting places I never would’ve seen otherwise. He took me to Yosemite to show me Half Dome and El Cap, and told me endless stories of sleeping on little portable ledges secured to the rock face and eating raw potatoes. It was awe inspiring to me. Something this girl from Upstate New York had never even known was out there. While at Yosemite, he took me to these small climbing areas. You could call them the bunny rocks if we are comparing them to downhill skiing for sissies. I hated it. I didn’t mind the climbing part. But when I got to the top and had to rappel, I froze. I sat at the top being a complete wuss. I think it took me 10 minutes to get to the top and 2 hours to get down. I was so afraid that after I pushed off the rock to go down, that my body would slam into the rock and I would crumble to the ground, kaput forever.  Slightly dramatic, I know. I went on climbing adventures with hubby after that, to places like Red Rocks, and various places in Colorado, but rock climbing will forever be a spectator sport for me.

I got asked twice in the past week or so what high school I go to. I was at the dentist for a teeth cleaning and then when I took my kids for haircuts. What part of having a 5 year old and 2 year old crying for lollipops next to me says, “I wonder what high school she goes to?” Please don’t tell me I should be flattered by this. I didn’t even like being in high school when I was. And I certainly don’t think I dress or act like a drama crazed 15 year old. Most of the time. Nothing wrong with 15 year olds, really. But the 15 year old me? No thanks. Aside from my horrible wardrobe and hair choices, I was such a lost and confused nerd trying desperately for no one to find out that I was a nerd. I bet they knew. I’m on Facebook and have friends on there from high school. And truth be told, I like all of us better now.

Remember how I showed you what I am reading right now? Well, I can’t put Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia down. I read it three years ago and did. not. like it. I shouldn’t have read it then, though. I was in the middle of trying to keep my marriage together and I think I deeply resented this newly divorced and happy woman who was traveling the world, eating good food and praying to a higher power and finding love again. I know I thought, “well, that’s nice. How many of us wouldn’t find happiness traveling the world? What about finding happiness with what is right here, painful and real?” Like I said, I was resentful. I thought she was selfish and self-absorbed. Oh my gosh, now? Now, I think it is the most wonderful book.  I drooled the entire time I read the section about her time in Italy and yes, I really went to the store and bought a big loaf of artisan bread and ate the whole thing, dipping each bite in olive oil and cracked black pepper. I am that impressionable. I was just glad that part ended before I gained 25 pounds, too. I’m ready to move on to meditating.

My son is going to be three years old in two weeks. Three. Sigh. I love the age between 18 months and 3 years old when kids are just so dang funny. Not that kids older than that aren’t funny, but there is this whole “I don’t have any idea why you think what I just did or said was funny, but I really like making you laugh” feeling to it. When three comes, it brings a whole lot more attitude, too. I like cute and funny without attitude. I like when my son says things to me like he did this week, “I think I probably love you, mama.” I think I probably love you too, buddy. As long as he keeps saying stuff like that, I guess the attitude is okay.

I don’t know what I lose more, sippy cup lids or socks. My kitchen currently has 23 plastic cups and 1 lid. ONE. How? Why? Where do they go? There is no bigger question in the universe than this.

For 5 years, my feet have hurt. A couple weeks ago, I was wearing a cute pair of dressy boots while out doing errands and my right foot and leg hurt so badly that I was seriously afraid if I didn’t take them off right then in the parking lot that I would be having surgery to amputate my leg by the end of the day. Okay, I guess I am dramatic. I had another pair of shoes in my car because my hubby was a boy scout and does things like stock my car with good walking shoes and jugs of water. You know, just in case. So, I took them off and put on the other pair of shoes and angels sang. Then, I drove all the way to Goodwill (granted it was just two blocks away) and donated them. I didn’t even want those things back in my house. Here’s the thing. I have had two kids and I keep hearing that when women have children, their feet get bigger. Yet, all this time, I have stayed buying and wearing size 8 1/2 shoes. Because I am really stupid. So when I went to think about what I’d wear to Blissdom, I tried shoes on and really was thinking to myself how I was going to have no fun at all because instead of talking to amazing women around blogland and telling them how much I love them and learning lots of cool new things, I would just be thinking, “my feet are killing me!” So, I went shoe shopping. I bought a pair of super heels and promptly returned them the next day and bought a pair of flats instead. In a size 9 1/2. I am still determined to find a cute pair shoes to wear with my black dress, but if not, I am sure it will look fabulous with sneakers.

I love sports. When I first went to college, I started out at the University of Maryland school of Journalism and dreamed of being a sports broadcaster or having my own sports page column at a big newspaper. Many poor decisions later, that never came even remotely close to happening. Now, I just watch with the rest of America when it’s the Final Four or Super Bowl or World Series and make my hubby listen to me ramble about the games which he could not care less about. When I was in high school, I wrote for the sports section of the school newspaper. I went to an all girls Catholic school so there was no football, but I wrote about stuff like running and how much I disliked cheerleading. Big, important stuff, you know?

I hope you are still awake. I am sure you’re relieved to know I’m done. For today.

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Some Things

• Shoes or No Shoes Allowed?
• Special Moments
• Being Unprepared is Costly
• Crossing It Off The To Do List A Year Later
• Don’t Give Up What You Love

• 9 Ways To Encourage Your Kids To Live Simply
• Isn’t It Sad?
• Refining Moments
• 5 Ways To Organize and Display Your Child’s Artwork
• Heart Attack (I think we’ll do this this weekend).
• A Sure Cure For The Discontent
• Boosting Energy By Tackling Life’s Nagging To-Do List
• Meanwhile
• Whining and Gratitude

Whew, I starred lots of stuff in my reader this week. I hope you enjoy!

Please visit Remodeling This Life to read more great content or to leave a comment!

Link Love

• Saturday Link Love
• My Week in Review
• Sunday Link Love
• Link Love: Decluttering Edition
• Link Love: Hello, Spring!

Until I can find a yoga class I like (I wish I lived near her so I could take her class!), I’ve been reading. Finding moments of quiet to shut off my own head and listen to someone else’s. I love witty non-fiction from other flailing their way through life women who keep it real. It has made me laugh and cry this week to pick some of these books up again and to be encouraged. Throw in some fiction from other authors I adore and I am filled up.

Talk about not being focused though. Who reads 5 books at the same time? I do, that’s who. Maybe goal #1 for focusing my head and heart will be to pick and finish one. And when I have finished them all, I’d like to know…what are you reading? And what should I read next? Recommend away!

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Reading

• ‘Tis the Season to Slow Down
• Link Love: Beach Edition
• Begin At The Beginning
• Begin at the Beginning
• Blissful

This post published earlier and then I wrecked it all up and it disappeared. I am messy in more ways than one. Here it is again, hopefully to stay. Thank you to those of you who have already emailed me, messaged me, and found other ways to comment when it was gone. I apologize to those of you who subscribe and will get this twice now.

I’ve been feeling messy lately. Not just my messy house, though. I feel messy on the inside. Confused, anxious, uninspired. Both kids were napping when hubby got home from work yesterday, which meant we were able to sit together and have a cup of coffee and just talk. No kids asking for a snack or jumping off of the kitchen table. Just us. And I finally had a chance to tell him how I’ve been feeling. It felt good to blurt it out, all the messy thoughts at once. “I can’t stop thinking. Over thinking everything. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my head off for a day and I would be so much happier.” He continued to listen as I told him, “I sometimes feel like I don’t even know what my heart is saying because my head is talking too loud.” Does this all sound a little crazy? It feels a little crazy and I thought hubby might drive me to the nearest mental hospital.

The thing is, I have a hard time seeing how far I’ve come, whether or not I am making progress on me. Where am I going? What are my goals? Should I even have goals? Or should I just be patiently being mom for now. It’s not like fixing up a house so that when it’s all over I have before and after pictures to see what a transformation it has been. I can’t take snapshots of my head and my heart. And it’s easier to come here, to this place and post a picture or 12 of a project. It’s easier because I can keep shoving the random, incoherent thoughts away instead of laying out there who I am. I am more than a house project, more than a frugal find at Goodwill. Those things cover up the mess inside me. But then I am left with the rambling thoughts in my brain that I keep shoving aside. The things that make me me. More than anything on the outside does.

So, I decide that for today, I will just blurt. I will blurt the insecure, crazy parts of me that make me this real person that isn’t always as put together as some may think. The person who can’t get a cup of coffee without cleaning the kitchen sink. The person who can’t put a child to bed without sitting for a few minutes, staring, and wishing and hoping I’ll be a better mother tomorrow. The person who knows how important it is to just be, to engage, to enjoy the little moments as they glide by, but still misses far too many by over thinking. The person who is one big mess.

Shared with Emily at Chatting at the Sky for Tuesdays Unwrapped.

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Messy

• A Fun Fall Craft For Kids
• Reading
• Shoes or No Shoes Allowed?
• Begin At The Beginning
• Bathroom Remodel Progress

Every year, on Robert Burns birthday, my family celebrates with a Burns Supper. It’s a sit down dinner for 35, they hire a bagpiper, a fiddler, and we follow the traditional course of events according to the way they do it in Scotland. It is so much fun.

Even the pelicans at the end of the driveway have to wear plaid

I couldn’t wait to wear my plaid hat!

Don’t my boys look cute in plaid?

This year, we didn’t do it ON his birthday since it is today (Happy birthday, Robbie!), and it was just easier and more convenient to do it on Saturday. It was a gorgeous day and evening for the festivities.

During dinner, there are speeches and readings, and LOTS of laughing. The lads toast the lassies and the lassies toast the lads, but it is definitely more like roasting than toasting. There’s a march of the haggis, the Selkirk Grace, and many other readings and moments in between that celebrate this man, and our Scottish roots.

the kilt lineup

I did a reading

and was really glad when it was over

Someday soon, I’ll type up all the really yummy recipes and share them. I made PW’s Hot Artichoke Dip and could’ve eaten the whole thing myself if I hadn’t been beaten away from it by angry guests.

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Plaid Required

• Frugal Fashion and An Exciting Change!
• Link Love: Short and Sweet Edition
• A Special Day
• Thirty
• 20 Things I Love About Autumn

She’ll take the old ones off.

When she’s up close to the old ones, she’ll notice how dirty the white cabinets are.

She’ll spend 25 minutes searching for the brand new box of Mr. Clean Magic Erasers she bought last week.

She’ll stop and tweet that she can’t find them.

Then she’ll find them.

And clean the cabinets.

Then decide maybe now is a good time to take off her upper cabinet doors and try the bare look.

Then realize how cluttered everything in her cabinets are now that the world (or the four people that live here) can see everything.

Then she’ll stare, puzzled at the cabinets.

Instead of organizing them, she’ll clean the microwave.

Move the microwave.

Organize pots and pans.

Put the new cabinet knobs on.

She’ll try to take pictures of them and have to ask her two year old to stop jumping on her back. He’s making the already too dark photos fuzzy.

Her hubby will get home, roll his eyes, and she’ll say,

“I think we need new drawer pulls now.”

And he’ll say, “can we clean up the kitchen mess first?”

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If You Give a Girl New Cabinet Knobs…

• Simplifying The Kitchen
• Simple Storage Solutions: In the Kitchen
• Kitchen Makeover
• Love Where You Live
• Kitchen Cabinet Turned Book Nook

Today, I was that mother. The empty one. The one feeling low, uninspired, unaccomplished, unmotivated. I needed my tank filled. The only difference today from that day many years ago with my mother was that I didn’t have a mature child to turn to who could offer what I needed. I did have a 2 year old and a 5 year old though. And I thought maybe, that if I filled their tanks, mine would end up filled too.

A sunny day to play outside, some fresh Florida air, a swing set was all we needed.

Hubby had called before leaving work and asked if I needed anything on his way home. I said I just needed a hug when he got here. He showed up at the door with a potted rose bush and dessert. Simple things to feed the soul. Simple things that filled all of our tanks.

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Tank Filling

• Q&A Tuesday at Simple Mom
• I Love…
• Begin At The Beginning
• It Won’t Wait
• Play Your Own Game