On May 13th, 2004, I left the school where I was working as a Spanish teacher, to go to my annual well woman check up. I was headed from Keller to my doctor’s office in Bedford. As I merged from 820 to highway 183 I noticed an 18 wheeler tanker truck driving pretty fast (for a big truck) in the left lane. I didn’t particularly want to be right behind him, but I also don’t like driving in the lane next to a big truck. The person in the right lane was driving really slowly, so I drove in the middle lane and I was going about 65-70mph in an effort to get around the truck and the slow car. As I was passing the truck I looked in my rear view mirror and saw that he was coming over into my lane, and then he hit me. He hit the back left corner of my car, which made my car spin to the left. I then hit the median retaining wall head on. My air bags deployed and after hitting the median my car continued to spin across 3 lanes of traffic, I side swiped one other car and then landed on the right hand shoulder of the highway. I don’t know why, but as soon as my car stopped I opened the door and jumped out of the car and sat on the big concrete hill leading to the service road above. For anyone that knows 183, this occurred between the Precinct Line exit and Norwood exit going east bound. My car was totaled but I managed to walk away injury free, or so I thought. I went to the ER to have my hand looked at, something was wrong with it because I had a death grip on the steering wheel. I had burns on my hand and arm from the stuff that came out of the air bag, but other than that I had no obvious injuries. Of course I was sore. My back and neck hurt, but that was to be expected, I mean honestly, I hit a concrete wall head on going 65-70mph. I know that I was very blessed because I could have been hurt much worse, or even killed. God was definitely watching over me.

Fast forward to about a week later. I drove to Austin, Texas to attend a 10 day workshop. I was still sore from the accident and occasionally took medicine, but once I got to the conference I started having other symptoms. After sitting at a student desk for hours I began having really bad pain and numbness in my right leg. It freaked me out. I ended up going to a walk-in clinic and seeing a doctor in Austin. He took x-rays of my back, which didn’t show anything, and gave me some other medication to try until I got home. He also suggested going to my primary physician and having an MRI done, especially since I had numbness and pain in my leg. I was in quite a bit of pain during the entire conference and immediately saw my doctor when I got home. She ordered an MRI which showed degenerative disc disease, and a herniated disc at L5-S1. She then gave me a prescription for physical therapy. So I did PT for about 6 weeks with no success. Not only was I in pain most of the time, but I was depressed and gaining weight. I remember coming home from work everyday and laying on a heating pad on the couch and sleeping on and off until it was finally time to go to bed. It was the most inactive I had ever been in my whole life and I packed on the weight. By about November I had probably gained 30-40lbs at least. On my 24th birthday I went and saw a second orthopedic surgeon, the first one did nothing and was completely useless. This doctor was young, helpful, and really caring. He had hurt his back and knew what I was going through and he wanted to get my back better. He suggested a PT clinic where he went and told me that they had an underwater treadmill and that they would whip me into shape. He put me on a powerful anti-inflammatory and then he told me that I needed to lose weight. I cried. I completely lost it. I was depressed, in pain, and very unhappy. It was definitely a low point in my life. Here I was on my birthday being told by a doctor to lose weight. I was so humiliated. But I knew he was right.

So as not to belabor the story, I did PT for almost a year. Towards the end of the PT I got very motivated and started doing Weight Watchers on my own and I got a gym membership. I went everyday and lost about 25lbs. Unfortunately, I still had back problems. Now I must say that PT did help and that I did strengthen my core muscles and shed some weight, and that definitely helped ease some of my pain. But the truth of the matter is, I still had limitations and I finally began to come to terms with the fact that my back would never be like it was before my accident. My leg pain and numbness was completely unaffected by PT and that was the most frustrating thing to deal with. Nothing helped my leg. Sitting for any extended period of time would bring on pain and numbness and there was just no way I could get around it. By the summer of 2005, my one year anniversary from my accident I was feeling the best I had since my accident. While I hadn’t lost all of the weight, I had lost a good deal and I was on the right track. I ended up doing several epidural injections into my disc, and even tried some nerve injections to see if they would help my leg. Boy were they painful. Things got complicated when I got pregnant. At that point I completely stopped “treating” my back and focused on my pregnancy. I was worried what pregnancy would do to my back and I was worried it would make it worse. I put on 35lbs and had quite a bit of back pain towards the end, but I spent the summer in the pool and enjoyed the weightlessness the water provided. I was active throughout my pregnancy and played volleyball until I was 32 weeks! After I had Max I lost the pregnancy weight rather quickly. Nursing seemed to just burn it off quickly for me. The day Max turned 11 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I gained 25lbs with Jake and after I had him I lost 43lbs! If only I could nurse right now who knows how much I could lose, haha! Unfortunately the weight didn’t stay off long. I had two c-sections within a year and half, and I had/have no lower abdominal muscles.

When my youngest son was 8 months old I decided to go back to school and get my Master’s degree. After almost 7 years of dealing with leg numbness when I sit and back problems, I began having sciatic pain in the back of my legs. The feeling is indescribable. It’s as if lightening is striking through you. It is completely intolerable.

I’ve been in pain to some degree ever since my accident and in the past few months it’s become uncontrollable and constant. Honestly, it’s never been this bad. It scares me because I don’t know what to do. I’ve had 7 injections in the last two months and unfortunately they’ve given me no relief. Last Sunday I ended up having to get a pain shot in the ER because I could not get my pain under control. Basically, nothing that’s worked in the past is working now.

I had a physical recently with my PCP and he suggested that I go back to my orthopaedic doctor that I haven’t seen in a few years and also make an appointment at Spine Team Texas. So I followed his advice after seeing my pain management doctor and having unsuccessful injections. I went to Spine Team Texas and saw a physiatrist, which is just another name for a pain management doctor. Well I already have one of those that I’ve seen for 6 years and I’m not in need of someone else that can do more injections. I’ve ridden that horse as long as I can and I’m ready to see what else is out there. The doctor I saw ordered an EMG (a nerve conduction study), which I’ve already gone through twice before, but I went ahead and did it anyway. He also wanted to do another MRI, and I pretty much knew ahead of time that I would need another one since it had been a year since I’d had one. They did a few quick x-rays and then before seeing the results of any of the tests he ordered he immediately gave me a prescription for physical therapy. I already didn’t have a great feel for this place, I felt like it was a cattle drive and people were being herded here and there. Everyone was nice, but pretty much right away I decided it wasn’t for me. Well after I was ordered to start physical therapy immediately I was just mad. I’m not saying that physical therapy can’t be helpful, because I know first hand that it can, but I’m in constant pain and can’t even pick my kids up. Not only that but nerve pain isn’t going to get better by doing exercises. I’ve got my degree in kinesiology, I get the benefits, but it doesn’t fix my problem. So I left there upset. I had high expectations that they were going to be able to help me, but I left feeling like they didn’t even listen to me. I went through the tests, because I knew my orthopaedic would want to see an updated MRI anyway, and luckily I got the results and took them with me. So I met with my orthopaedic that week and blew off Spine Team and canceled my follow-up appointment.

When I met with my orthopaedic I brought him a loaf of jalepeno cornbread, we have had a long term relationship. I remember the first time I saw him. It was my birthday, and I was in close to the same state. I was a mess. There’s no way he could forget me. I’ve been seeing him for about 6.5 years and he’s always helped me to get better and he’s never suggested surgery. I trust him because he’s wanted me to exhaust every other option and because he’s had back problems himself. In fact, I learned that he’s had 4 back surgeries. So when I met him this time he walked in and said, “Long time, no see!” I figured there’s no way he could forget me, despite the fact that he’s probably got tons of other patients. I completely broke down on him the first time I ever met him and I know he was caught off guard. He didn’t know what to do. So this time, when he asked how things were going, I started to lose it again. Well he thought he was prepared. He fumbled around opening every drawer and cabinet looking for a tissue. He finally found a huge square of gauze and handed it to me. I couldn’t help but laugh. He then showed me the actual MRI film and told me that my herniation has gotten worse. After talking about things he basically said, “You’ve tried everything else, the only way to get things better is to do surgery.” So the plan is to go in through the front, where my c-section scar already is, and take the disc at L5-S1 completely out and fuse my spine together. Before doing the surgery there is one other test that he wanted to do to be absolutely 100% sure that that particular disc is the source of my pain. He told me ahead of time that this test wasn’t fun and that it would hurt, needless to say, I was less than thrilled.

So last week I did the dreaded discogram. It’s an invasive test that lasts about 45 minutes and unfortunately you have to be awake for it. I was the only patient there, which was strange. I was very nervous and trying to keep it together. They put in an IV and gave me antibiotics to prevent infection in my disc, and then they took me back to the room. They gave me some IV sedation, but it must have been like 1/8th of a teaspoon or something because I was completely aware of everything going on. I laid there crying and trying to be still as they poked on my back and gave me several shots to numb the area. Then the fun part started. He told me that he was going to insert a needle into 4 of my discs, one at a time. He told me that they would then put medium pressure on the disc with air and then high pressure. (They also injected dye for the CT scan I was going to have immediately after the discogram) If at any point I experienced pain, not discomfort (it was already uncomfortable), then I was to tell him and to be specific about where I had the pain. The first three discs where uncomfortable but fine. Then he got to L5-S1. I can’t begin to describe the pain that I felt when he put that needle in my disc. I was screaming and crying as the doctor tried to ask me questions. I yelled for him to take it out and when he asked if it hurt just in my back or in my back and the backs of legs I yelled “BOTH!” and then I don’t remember much. They gave me a big shot of sedation and the next thing I know I was in recovery crying and hunched over the side of the bed feeling like I was going to throw up. They gave me pain medicine through my IV and then gave me phenergan for my nausea, despite the fact that they had already given me zofran before the test. What can I say, I’m a puker. My pain subsided enough so that I finally stopped crying and choked down two crackers and sipped on some Sprite. My eyes were swollen and red, and when I went to leave the receptionist asked how I was and told me that she heard me screaming all the way from the front. I can’t imagine what the other patients thought. I bet they were scared to death, especially if they were going for their first injection. They told me to go home and take pain medicine because I might have pain for a few days after the procedure. Boy, they weren’t kidding. The next morning they called to check on me and I told them I had hardly slept and was having a difficult time getting my pain under control. Cale had to stay home, there was no way I could be left alone. I could hardly get out of bed. He and the boys went and got another prescription for me and I stayed in bed with a cold back on my back in an attempt to try and numb the pain.

All of that was last week. My pain is definitely better than it was after the discogram on Thursday, but it’s still constant. It’s strange that my leg pain is moving from the back of my right leg to the back of my left leg. I used to feel my best in the morning but lately I feel stiff and hardly able to move in the morning. I can’t get comfortable and I’m laying on one side for a few minutes and then flipping to the other side. Laying on my back isn’t an option, unfortunately. We turned our mattress and I’m hoping that will help. I’m afraid to take anything besides Ib profin during the day, seeing as how I’m in charge of taking care of two little boys. I don’t want to lay down on the couch and accidentally fall asleep for 2 hours!

I’m meeting with my orthopaedic on Wednesday to go over the results from the discogram and probably figure out when I’m going to schedule my surgery. I’m ready to have an end in sight. I don’t want to seem that I feel sorry for myself or that I’m a sissy, but I’m having a difficult time. I feel like I’m such a burden to my family. I need help for everyday life and I HATE asking for it. I’m an emotional wreck but I’m trying to stay positive. Hopefully I’m going to look back and this is all going to be a blink in time, just a bad dream that swiftly disappears. I appreciate any prayers. I have high hopes that this surgery will relieve my pain and that I can go on and live a normal and mostly pain-free life!

Max McAlister's Feet At 2 Months - Renae's Oldest Child

It was 30 years ago today. In a suburban hospital. Back when you didn’t fully know if the child entering your world was a boy or a girl.

Her brother arrived over 15 months earlier. His delivery had been a pain-filled 17 plus hour ordeal. I was hoping this child would arrive with a little shorter drama. She did.

I’m unsure how long it was, but I was 24 years old and just like that – I now had my complete and perfect family. A wife I loved passionately. A son, our firstborn. Now, a daughter. She completed the circle for me. For our family.

A husband. A wife. A son. A daughter. Two kids. Two cars. All those proverbial American dreams seemed to be falling into place.

Today, it seems so long ago. Some would say, “Well, it was a long time ago! Thirty years.”

Every old person tells you how quickly time flies.

Every teenager tells you how time drags by.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. Today, she turns 30. I’m now 54.

And more thankful for her entrance into my life than ever before.

Her brother has a baby daughter, my first granddaughter – Kinsley. Fitting that now I’m holding another little girl, singing into her ears and ofttimes remembering a younger man with a little girl named Renae Marie.

Life has a way of happening. No exam was given. No classes taken. At 24 my wife and I had a daughter. November 30, 1981.

It was 30 years ago today. My life – thankfully – has never been the same.

Happy Birthday, Renae Marie Cantrell McAlister.

Love,
Dad

@RandyCantrell is the proud father of Renae

Other posts I’ve written about a father’s view of his daughter:
(you really should check these posts just for the photos)

• Her 26th birthday blog post
• Her 28th birthday blog post
• When A Daughter Marries (perhaps my most famous “father” post)

Renae and me

I had my first son, Max, in August of 2007. I finished my 4th year of teaching and coaching high school in May and after that I quit my job to become a stay at home mom. I was really looking forward to the birth of our first child, and I was very excited about being a stay at home mom. I don’t really know that I had any expectations about how staying home would be, but I knew that I was kind of ready for a break from coaching. During the season I would get home around 6pm from practice and two nights a week we had games, so I wouldn’t get home till 10pm. I knew I was going to miss all the girls, but I wouldn’t miss the long hours. However, I LOVED teaching. Sure, I had been doing it for 4 years, but I knew I was really going to miss it. Teaching high school is my niche, and I genuinely loved the students and thoroughly enjoyed going to “work” everyday. Let me just say that there was never any question about whether I was going to keep working or stay home. Long before we had children we had made the decision that I would be a stay at home mom, at least until our kids were in school. So I NEVER considered to continue teaching once Max was born. I stand behind that decision, but making the transition from working to staying home with a baby was not an easy one.

Let me start off by saying that I know that I am very blessed to be able to stay home and raise my children. I can’t imagine putting them in daycare or handing someone else that responsibility. At the same time, we made a lot of sacrifices so that I could stay home. We sacrificed financially as a family, and I feel like I sacrificed personally by quitting a job that I loved. That’s not to say that I have any regrets about it, because I don’t. Sacrificing is the first thing you do as a parent. Your child becomes number one and everything and everyone else comes secondary, and that’s the way it should be. However, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. In fact, it was really hard for me, and even though it’s been 4 years since Max was born, it is still hard for me. I so badly want to feel completely fulfilled by motherhood, but I’m not. I have this nagging sense of ambition that won’t go away. After having Max I felt like I lost my personal identity and was suddenly thrown into the role of being a mom. I was a mom 24/7 and I didn’t really have an outlet away from it.

After having Max I had post-pardum depression. I never actually saw a doctor or anything because I didn’t recognize it until afterwards. I was an emotional mess, I was completely overwhelmed, I had major anxiety, I hardly ever slept, and I rarely left the house. It was a very difficult time and I felt like I was at war with myself. On the one hand, I had this beautiful, healthy baby that I loved more than anything in this world. I had moments of joy and I felt so much love that sometimes I thought I would explode. In contrast, I also felt alone, helpless, exhausted, and just sad. Max was a colicky baby that cried a lot, had reflux and constantly spit up, and also didn’t sleep well. Needless to say, he was a difficult baby. Since he was my first baby I just assumed that all babies were that high maintenance. At the time I was a member to a baby forum, and after looking through some of the discussions  that other moms were having about their babies I began to realize that Max wasn’t a “typical” baby. Obviously, no two babies are alike, but the amount of sleep (or lack thereof) and the amount of crying that Max did were not “normal” in comparison with most other babies. After talking to some other moms that had babies like Max we figured that he had reflux. I also read a lot of books on sleeping and getting babies on a schedule, especially difficult babies. Once I got Max on a sleep schedule he was a completely different baby, he was actually happy. He completely thrived, we both got more sleep and we were both a lot happier. All babies are high maintenance, some more than others. This realization really hit me when Jake was born.

Going from being a teacher and coach and having constant interaction to being at home all day with a crying baby was HARD. I had no idea what I was doing, but I thought something must be wrong with me. I would talk to other moms and they would tell me how much they loved staying home and how great it was to be a mom. I felt so guilty for being envious that my husband got to go to work everyday. I felt guilty for not being happy all the time and not just loving every minute of motherhood. Sure, I loved being a mother, and yes I loved my baby to death, but I wasn’t in a good mental state. I cried daily. I didn’t really talk to anyone. The second Max was put down for the night I literally ran straight to my bed. Even though I was more tired than I had ever been in my whole life, I couldn’t sleep, at least not for more than a few hours at a time. When Max was about 6 months old I finally broke down and went to the doctor. As soon as he walked in the door I started sobbing and I told him that I couldn’t sleep. He hugged me and gave me something that I could take (while breastfeeding) to help me sleep. My hormones had to have been totally out of wack, because after I quit nursing I started to feel more like myself. Quitting nursing, getting a sleep aide, getting out of the house and doing stuff with other stay at home moms, and coaching club volleyball started to bring me out of the hole I had been in for 6 months.

When I was pregnant with Jake I fully expected that he would be as difficult as Max had been, and I was terrified of falling back in the hole of depression. I got Jake on a schedule early on, I made an effort to get out of the house almost everyday, and I asked for help. Luckily, I didn’t have the same experience with Jake that I had with Max, and honestly, I did everything in my power to avoid depression. I’m not saying it was a cake walk to have two children under the age of 2, because it wasn’t, but at least I wasn’t isolating myself and getting so overwhelmed. I had a part-time job teaching 6 hours a week at a private school, I was playing volleyball one night a week, so I had outlets to help me through everything. I was even crazy enough to go back to school and get my Master’s degree when Jake was just 8 months old. It might seem ridiculous to other people, but I LOVE school. I enjoyed learning and I was just happy to be doing other things that I love and fulfill me as a person, outside of being a mom.

Fast forward to 2011. I ended up being in a bad place in April of this year. My back pain and leg pain became intolerable. I dealt with it 7 years, but this was nothing like what I had dealt with before. The only way I can describe the leg pain is like lightening striking through you. It’s flat out scary. So back in the hole I went, down, down, down. Surgery was finally decided. So May 16th, the Monday after I “graduated” from graduate school, I had a spinal fusion at L5-S1. I’ve already written about it so I won’t drone on. Needless to say, hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Painful and trying both physically and emotionally. Recovery, physical therapy, trying to be a stay at home mom to two small boys. Overdoing it and paying for it, not just me, but everyone around me. Like being in bed for a full day because I was an idiot the day before and my mom having to watch the boys. I hate relying on other people and I needed help and hated asking for it. I still hate asking for it. If I ask for help you know it’s pretty bad. Then having to an an emergency appendectomy one day and stopping physical therapy, when I really needed to still be going. Recovering from yet another stupid surgery. Now having 8, count them, yes 8 surgery scars. 7 of which are on my stomach. Feeling tore up and not wanting to get out of bed. It’s been difficult for me. Now I’m not saying I have a hard life, because I’m very blessed in many ways. However, this has been a valley, but that is the nature of life. Valleys and mountains for us all. Some worse than others. Things do go on, and this too shall pass.

So in September I was ecstatic when I got a call from Tarrant County College wanting to interview me for an adjunct professor position. It was just what I needed. Since April I quit everything. I quit my teaching job at the private school (which I was going to quit at the end of the year anyway for various reasons), I quit playing volleyball, I quit doing much of anything. A few weeks ago when I started to emerge from this hole I starting feeling the the same need I have all along. The need to do something else outside of being a mom. I still want to stay home with my boys and for them to be the priority, but is it wrong for me to have something on the side for ME? I’ve decided it’s not. I think women feel guilty for not being completely fulfilled by motherhood and I don’t think you should. I still think my family is number 1 and that I put their needs above mine, but it’s okay for me to still want some outlet for me. Even better if it’s an outlet that makes money instead of spend it, right? So I’m going to start teaching, very part-time, just a few hours a week. I’m going to try to work it around Max’s preschool schedule so that my mom or a friend of mine will just have to watch Jake. It’s hopefully going to be only 2 days a week for a couple of hours, and I know that it’s something I will enjoy. The extra money will be nice, and I’ll be teaching again. I’m excited.

So up I go, to a mountain for a while. I know another valley will come, but valleys build character, right? That’s what I’m telling myself. If you would have asked me at 20 where I would be at 30 (which I will turn next month), I would never have guessed. But it’s good. I’m thankful. I’ve got the love of my life, that I met when I was 18 and have been with ever since. We are coming up on our 8 year anniversary, and our marriage is stronger today than it ever has been. These trials have shown us that through thick and thin we are there for one another unconditionally. He is good for me. He calms me down, he helps me to be a better person. I would never imagine that we would have two beautiful boys, and yes they are boys, and yes they ARE beautiful. I couldn’t imagine being a mom and how awesome it is. I would never imagine how you can love something so much that you would give everything for it. I couldn’t imagine having my Masters degree and teaching at a junior college, having the best of both my worlds. My boys as my priority, but also getting to teach, which is something I love. So yep, I’ve got it good. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that life doesn’t always end up how you think it will. I know I have no control over many of the things that happen to me, but I have control on how I react to them. I can fall down and get back up, and I can adapt to life and roll with the punches. Who knows where I will be 10 more years from now, if I’ll even still be here. God knows. I trust what he has planned, even if I can’t see it or understand it. But I’m thankful for the present and for today.

Dear Max & Jake,

This month started out with me in the ER having an emergency appendectomy. Man was that out of left field. I woke up on Monday at like 5am with a cramping pain in my abdomen on the lower right side. It wasn’t excruciating, but I couldn’t completely straighten up. It was strange, but I just went back to bed in the fetal position and just laid there thinking it would go away. Around 8am I called Nona to tell her about my pain and ask her what she thought I should do. She immediately thought it could be my appendix and came over to get the boys. I had pain medicine but didn’t really think it was bad enough to take any so I just got my heating pad and curled up. Before taking the boys we decided I should go to the ER to get it checked out in case it was my appendix. Since she had my boys she just dropped me off and I reassured her that I would get ahold of Cale and get him to meet me at the hospital. I called him for an hour before he ever got the message and finally met me in my little ER room. After a CAT scan the news came back, appendicitis. I admit, I completely lost it. I could not believe I was having yet another surgery, especially since I wasn’t even over the last one. The ironic thing is that I had seen a surgeon the day before about having a procedure done to fix my severe acid reflux. The only reason I was considering that is because we hit our “out of pocket max” on our insurance and it would be free. Needless to say, after having my appendix out I was DONE with having surgeries. DONE. NO MORE. I have to say that my surgery went well and aside from the feeling of something trying to come out of my belly button, which is where they had to make the biggest incision to take out my appendix (it was laparoscopic and 3 incisions were made), the pain wasn’t bad. More than anything I didn’t want to throw up after surgery, which I always do. I asked for anti-nausea medicine and no IV pain killers and that did the trick because I never threw up. The worst thing was staying in the hospital over night. It was the longest night ever. I had loud crazy people in the rooms next to me and I couldn’t sleep and was dealing with post-surgery pain. All I wanted to do was go home. The recovery was so quick, unlike my back surgery, and I was thankful for that. I did have one post-surgery problem. Since they pumped me so full of antibiotics (they said my appendix was on the verge of bursting and was very bad and that I caught it just in time) it killed off all the good bacteria in my colon. Every time I ate I got sick. Not fun. The good news was that I kind of stopped eating and lost weight. Since I had my back surgery I have lost 20 pounds, so that’s a bonus. I also didn’t have to pay anything for my surgery, another bonus. Alas, life goes on.

It’s been a turning point this month for me. I’ve been in a funk for months. I’m not going to delve into it completely but for the first time in months I’ve started feeling “normal”again. I’ve had a few great nights of sleep, which is rare for me, and my back has felt half-way decent. I even played some volleyball, perhaps not to full capacity, but still, it was fun and more importantly, I tolerated it. That gave me hope that someday, hopefully soon, I will be back to playing competitively with my team. I didn’t realize how much I really miss it. But enough about me, this letter is about YOU.

It’s amazing how different you both are, but how well you compliment each other. It is the sweetest thing ever to see Jake sitting in Max’s lap watching TV. Max is such a little mama to Jake and he really takes care of him. Sure, there is fighting, but it doesn’t last long and you guys usually work it out yourself. I try not to get involved because I think it’s important for you to learn how to work through disagreements and compromise. It’s funny because now that Jake can articulate his feelings and recall events Max doesn’t really know what to do. Max has always told on Jake, but now Jake can tell on Max, so he can’t get away with as much. The interactions between the two of you are pretty funny, even though sometimes you fight about the dumbest things, you love each other and miss each other when Max is in school.

Since Max is in school Tuesdays and Thursdays, we’ve been picking up Emily and Oliver and hanging out with them. It’s hilarious how Oliver and Jake fight like brothers. They are always taking things away from each other and wanting one another’s toys, but they also have a lot of fun playing together. One day I picked Oliver up to take him to the park with us so that Emily could have some time alone to get stuff done. We packed a lunch and fed the ducks and had a great time. I had my double stroller and got in a good walk too, I’ve been trying to walk fairly regularly.

Jake, you are such a mischief maker. You are so different than Max was at your age and it’s like parenting for the first time again because what worked with Max doesn’t work for you. I guess that’s how parenting is. You are always on your toes and just when you think you have things figured out you are thrown a curve ball. I admit that sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and I need all the help I can get. I call Nona A LOT and ask her for advice as to what I should do. It can be very frustrating at times, and there are moments when I have to ask your daddy to deal with you (and vice versa). Despite being overwhelmed, you are just so cute and I can’t help but love and kiss on you. The good thing is, we are determined to impose our will on you and make you obey. We WILL win the battle and do whatever it takes. It’s our duty to train you in the way you should go, and this is the most important job we will ever have. We cannot fail, your soul is at staked, and so is ours.

I love you both enough to discipline you because I want you to have a good life and I want us all to live eternally in Heaven. It might seem harsh at times, but you have to learn that you don’t always get what you want. Distracting you with something else and never telling you “no” doesn’t teach you how the world works and I’m not doing you any favors by doing that. I’ve made a lot of mistakes as a mom and I’m trying my best to learn from them and be a better parent, I’m all in and I will persever.

Love,
Mama

Dear Max & Jake,

The month of August is always busy. Dada’s birthday is on the 4th, Max’s is on the 8th, and Uncle Bucky’s is the 17th. There will be lot’s of celebrations, parties, and cake. So let’s start there.

Max, we had your birthday at the tree house, the same place we had Jake’s 2nd birthday. You had a blast with your church buddy Robbie and the look on your face when you blew your candles out was priceless. One of the best things about having children is getting to watch how excited they get about their birthdays. You’ve been talking about your birthday party and how you are going to get to eat cake and get new toys. It brings me so much joy to see you looking forward to something so much. When you become an adult birthdays aren’t a very big deal, in fact, most people dread the thought of getting older. Not children. They enjoy every minute of it, and that makes it special. So this year you decided you wanted to have a Star Wars theme for your party. We ordered a really neat birthday cake and bought you a big plush Darth Vader that you sleep with every night. Many of your friends came to your party and you got lots of great gifts. The big gift that you got from Gran, Grandad, Nana, and Great-Grandad was a Wii. You played Wii for the first time at Uncle Guy and Aunt Destini’s house and you LOVED it. Needless to say, you were absolutely thrilled to get one for your birthday. By nature you are extremely competitive, and the Wii has shown us just how much you hate to lose. Even though you’ve been frustrated (when you aren’t good at something right away) it has been a good “life lesson.” The thing is, when Dada plays Wii with you he doesn’t let you win because we want to teach you to control your emotions when you lose. You are a very sensitive and emotional person in general, and you don’t handle losing very well. For that matter, you aren’t a gracious winner either. When you and Dada play UNO you both go straight for the throat. Anyway, getting to play Wii is a privilege that you have to earn, and if you cry and get angry when you lose, or if you brag and rub it in when you win, then we turn it off. It’s been good character building and we are hopeful that these “tests” will help you in the long run. No one wants to play with a bad sport. The other thing it has taught you is patience, and you are becoming more and more coachable. If you start playing a game and aren’t immediately good at it we don’t let you just turn it off and choose something different. We try to show you how to do it and we make you play it until the game is over. I think it’s important for you to understand the concept of practicing something in order to get better. It’s an important lesson to learn, the earlier the better. I was never that into video games, nor was your father, but I like that the Wii requires physical activity. We limit the time you get to play, but truth be told, you would still rather go to the park than play the Wii and I want to keep it that way.

Max, you LOVE to eat. You eat anything and everything and you are a bottomless pit. With childhood obesity numbers growing in this country I worry about you being overweight. Don’t get me wrong, you aren’t overweight, in fact, at your 4 year check up you were in the 75% for height and weight. The doctor said you were in proportion and totally healthy. Anyway, we try to give you healthy food, but more than that we don’t let you eat and eat and eat. We give you your meal and when you tell us you are still hungry we give you carrots. We have also stopped giving you sweets. Now I’m not saying that you don’t get the occasional treat, but you don’t get one after every meal. I’m very thankful that you will eat pretty much anything, and we have a rule that you eat what you’re given or you don’t eat. We don’t give you and Jake a choice of what to eat, you either take it or leave it. Jake, sometimes you won’t eat very much, but I don’t worry because you’re totally healthy. I also like that you both try new things, even if it’s just one bite. You never what you might like if you never try it.

At the end of the month Max started preschool 2 days a week. Max, you were very excited about starting school and you have done very well. The first time I left you at school it felt so weird. Here I am, leaving you with some teacher that I don’t know at all, and honestly, it was crazy. I’ve left you plenty, but always with people I know and that you know. I was so excited to hear about your first day of school and you told me about some friends you met and about the time-out chair. You are such a little rule follower that I know you won’t get in trouble. The first day you came home and told me that you didn’t eat all your lunch, and I was shocked, but when I asked if you talked too much instead of eat you said, “maybe.” I just laughed and told you to make sure you eat during lunch and not just talk. Jake is taking a class with me right before you go to school and when we go to drop you off Jake always hugs you and is always excited to see you when we pick you up. It’s very cute. Jake is somewhat lost without his playmate, but I’m enjoying getting to spend time alone with Jake.

It’s beginning to hit me that you are both growing up so much. Jake is now potty trained, Max is in school, and time is flying by. Although I wrestle with not having an identity outside of being a mom, I’m trying my best to really enjoy you both at every stage because I know I will never get this time back.

Love,
Mama

Dear Max & Jake,

This summer has drug by slowly up to this point, at least for me. Well, things picked up and we somehow got super busy. I can’t fully go into every detail but let’s hit some of the highlights.

We were so happy that Uncle Ty, Aunt Bethany, Emery and Kade came to visit from California. They were here for the 4^th of July and we all sat outside in the heat and watched the amazing fireworks from the comfort of our backyard. The show was great and this was the first time that Max and Jake really got to watch fireworks because in the past we’ve been coming home from a church meeting and they have been so exhausted they couldn’t possibly stay up that late. Well, this year, because of my surgery we weren’t able to go to the church meeting and so my well-rested children stayed up late, ate pizza and cookies and watched fireworks. It was so fun to see their faces and how excited they were during the entire firework show. It was great. We all had a great time.

A few weeks later it was time for our “brush up” swim lessons. Since we did swim lessons last year I hoped that you would both remember the skills you learned so that these lessons wouldn’t take very long. I was right, and even though you were both scared at first, you gained your confidence every day and you did great. Jake, last year you weren’t doing much swimming and this year you are moving and starting to kick instead of immediately rolling over and floating on your back. Max, you really started to get some confidence and I couldn’t believe you and Jake both went down the slide multiple times. Even more shocking was watching you jump in from the side of the pool and swimming from the deep end to the shallow end. I can’t tell you how proud I am of both of you. The best thing is, now you both want to go swimming all the time and it’s so hard to get you to get out of the pool because you never want to stop. You end up wrinkled and starving by the time you finally get out. We also bought a cheap little pool to put in our backyard and Dada got in with you and you all had a blast. We even decided to wash your hair while you were in there.
Whitetrash bathtub.

Jake, we’ve started potty training and you are doing really well. You’ve had accidents, but overall I think you are doing really well. You can pretty much go on command but you don’t always tell us in enough time, which is sometimes an issue. It’s so nice to have no kids in diapers, and honestly, it’s crazy. We’ve been buying diapers for 4 years and it’s hard to imagine never buying them again. My boys are growing up =)

Birthday plans started for Cale and Max. Excited for both of their birthdays. Cale is going to be 30, and in a few months I will be too. Wow. We are feeling old for sure, but you know what, I wouldn’t want to be 20 again even if I could. Max is going to be 4 years old and start going to preschool 2 days a week. Big changes are ahead, but we’re excited for what’s next.

Love,

Mama

So before having surgery I was told that it would be at least 3 months after surgery before I would start feeling back to “normal” again. I honestly don’t remember what I was thinking before surgery except, get rid of this pain NOW! I didn’t really know that I would be trading one pain for another type of pain, and I most certainly did not think it was going to take so long. I should’ve done more research, but I was desperate, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m not saying that I regret having surgery, I just wish I had prepared myself more for how long and difficult the recovery would be. I’ve hit the 3 month mark now and after my physical therapist did a re-evaluation last week, she determined that I would need physical therapy for probably another 2-3 months. My left hip is very weak and because of my spine being fused together it just doesn’t move like it used to. I am getting stronger, but it’s slow, and my muscles surrounding my incision are very tight and every time I go to PT my therapist works and works on loosening those muscles up. (which involves her rubbing and trying to knead out the knots, it hurts, a lot) I’ve been reading a lot of “back surgery” forums and things, and it seems that most people that have had the same surgery as I have took closer to a year before they started feeling “better.” (which is a relative term, because unfortunately, some people continue to have pain after surgery and end up requiring more surgeries. I am praying that will not be my fate.) Obviously, everyone is different, and I know that this surgery isn’t going to relieve ALL of my pain. I still have leg pain when I sit, in the front of my right leg, and it’s the medical mystery that no one can figure out. I’ve got to live with it, and I have been for 7 years now, so I try not to sit for long periods of time. After talking with my orthopaedic surgeon and his P.A. I feel better about the fact that I’m still having pain. (that sounds weird to say that, but it gave me hope that things are going to continue to get better) They told me to keep working hard in PT, be patient, and try not to overdo it because that will only set me back. I’m doing the best I can, but I just can’t avoid some of the day to day activities that involve taking care of two little curly-headed boys =)

So I found some information that I wish I would have read before surgery. However, even if I had read it I would have been an idiot and thought, “Well that won’t be me, it won’t take that long for me to heal, because I’m just going to tough it out.” Stupid, stupid, stupid. I’m a moron.

North American Spine Society (spine.org)

“Substantial bone healing does not usually take place until three or four months after surgery.  At that time activities may be increased, although continued evidence of bone healing and remodeling may continue for up to a year after surgery.”

“Although fusion can be a very good treatment for some spinal conditions, it does not return your spine to “normal.”  The normal spine has some degree of motion between vertebrae. Fusion surgery eliminates the ability to move between the fused vertebrae, which can put added strain on the vertebrae above and below the fusion.  Fortunately, once a fusion has healed it rarely, if ever, breaks down.  However, it does place more stress on the vertebrae next to the fusion.  This has some potential to accelerate degeneration of those segments, but this risk varies between individuals.  Many surgeons therefore recommend that spinal fusion patients avoid repetitive strenuous activities that involve combined lifting and twisting maneuvers to minimize the stress on the areas around the fusion.”

Does repetitive movement involve buckling a toddler into his car seat, or helping him pull up his underwear and pants every time he goes to the bathroom? I love my boys, regardless of how strenuous my days may be at times, they help motivate me to get strong and work hard. Life is full of mountains and valleys. As my granny says, “This too shall pass, and now would be good!” I’m doing a lot of character building. I’m having some great tests of faith, patience, and many other things. Lately I’ve had a negative and defeated attitude, but I’m trying to pull myself out of it and keep pressing on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about pain this week. Physical pain, and mental and emotional pain. The thing is, if I have to endure pain down here on earth in order to enjoy an eternity where there will be no pain, no sorrow, and no tears, then so be it. At least pain in this life can be managed and treated, because the never-ending pain in Hell will be everlasting and untreatable. It’s definitely something to think about, and it has helped me to put things in perspective.

It took me a while to figure it out, but finally the lightbulb came on. There is no RIGHT way to parent. You have to do what works for you and your family. What works for one child might not work for another, and what works for one mother might not work for another. I’ve watched other first time moms that transition easily and naturally pick up motherhood like it’s in their DNA. On the flip side, I’ve watched first time moms struggle and stress with their new position as mom and 24-7 caretaker. The thing is, your prior experience, personality and the temperament of your baby have a lot to do with your experience. Regardless, every mother has to figure out what works. Some moms are laid back and go with the flow, while others are more structured and demand order. The point is, one is not better than another. My moto is, figure out what works with you and your baby. You are the mom, and no one knows your baby better than you. I truly believe that women have a natural motherly instinct and that they should listen to it. Listening to the advice of others can be valuable, but ultimately YOU have to go with what works. A perfect example of this is the way I was raised versus the way I am raising my boys. My mom was very laid back and we weren’t really on a “schedule.” We went to bed whenever my parents went to bed. Adversely, I am structured (although I’m a lot more flexible now that my boys are older) and my boys nap around the same time everyday and go to bed early. I would go completely nuts if I just did whatever and the boys ate whenever and napped at any given time, or not at all. We have a fairly set time for these things, for my well-being as well as for my boys, especially Max. As a baby, Max thrived once I got him on a schedule, and he was a very difficult baby for various reasons. I was happier and he was happier. Max is almost 4 years old now and he’s still the same way. He wants order and organization, he wants to know what comes next. It’s what works for me and it works for my kids. That doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you and your child, that’s for you to figure out.

Child rearing is a very controversial subject. Should I be induced or wait and go into labor naturally? Should I have a natural birth or get an epidural? Should I breastfeed (and if so, how long?) or bottle feed? Should I let my baby cry? Should I baby wear or put my baby down while I attempt to do household chores? Should I spank or do time-out? Should I discipline my baby/young child or should I just distract or “re-direct”? Should I subscribe to parent-centered parenting or child-centered parenting? Should I homeschool or put my child in public school? The list goes on and on and on. I have my opinions and you have yours, but the thing is, why in the world should I care how you parent your child? It doesn’t affect me. I’m not the one that has to deal with it. I don’t go home with you. There is one thing that my dad told me that sticks out in my mind as great advice, he told me that as a parent it is my responsibility to impose MY will on my children. To teach them to obey me. They don’t rule the house or set the rules, my husband and I do, and that is one thing that I strongly believe in. If your children don’t learn to obey you, then how can you expect them to obey God? No matter how that’s achieved, I think it should be at the forefront of every parent’s mind.

I’ve learned that if people want my advice they will ask for it, otherwise, I keep my mouth shut. I no longer give unsolicited advice, but I admit that I have in the past, and at times it has come back to bite me right in the rear. My intentions weren’t malicious, I was just overly excited to share what “worked” for me. It’s like finding a great new product that makes your life easier, you want to tell everyone about it! Well that was me, I was an overzealous new mom at times and I made a lot of mistakes. By sharing my experiences I thought maybe I could save others from going through the turmoil I went through. Regardless, I learned my lesson.

I think the best “advice” that I can give to any first time mom is to figure out what works for you and your baby. Sure, I’ll share my experiences if someone asks, but if there is one thing I have learned from having two boys that could not be more opposite, it’s that you have to parent children differently. What works for one might not work for another, and to me, that is the most difficult part to parenting. Just when you think you’ve got things figured out, they change, and you are back to uncharted territory. It’s a tough job, probably the toughest job we will ever have. Parenting is nothing to be taken lightly, we are shaping and molding these children’s lives FOREVER. Although there is a heavy weight on our shoulders, being a parent is extremely rewarding and brings such unimaginable joy and happiness!

Jake has been showing signs that he is ready to be potty trained for the past month or so. Since I’ve been recovering from back surgery I have put it off. Well, last week my husband noticed Jake holding himself and then he told him that he peed in his diaper. After that we decided that it was time to bite the bullet. Potty training is inconvenient at first, time consuming, and can really test your patience. Once you begin though, there’s no turning back. I think it really confuses children otherwise.

Max was exactly two and a half when we potty trained him. It took about a week and he pretty much had it down. (this doesn’t include going through the night, that came a little later) Jake is two years and 4 months old and has been interested in the potty for quite some time. However, in the past few months he’s started telling us that he’s going, and I think that’s a crucial sign that parents need to look for. If your child can’t tell you they are going, or don’t know when they are going, then they just aren’t ready. He’s also learned how to pull down his pants by himself, which is another sign I think is important. To me, being completely potty trained means that your child will recognize when they need to go to the bathroom and then be able to go by themselves with little to no assistance from you. Yesterday, while I was doing some laundry, Jake came in the room with his underwear and short around his ankles and told me that he peed in the potty. This is huge to me because I didn’t have to ask him to go and he didn’t feel the need to tell me he needed to go, he simply just went. He does great pulling everything down by himself, but he still needs some help getting everything pulled back up all the way. Jake is very independent and I think a child’s personality will determine the way you potty train them.

One thing we did with both our boys was get out the little child size “potty” out when they were about 18 months old. We basically introduced them to it, explained what it was for and just left it in the bathroom. Every night before bath we would ask them if they wanted to sit on it and see if they could pee pee. We also explained that if they did pee pee in the potty they would get an M & M. When they did want to sit on the potty we would get a cup of warm water from the bath tub and pour it on them, I mean really, what child doesn’t pee the second they get in a warm bathtub? Well, it worked most of the time. When they did pee we would clap and praise them and make a really big deal about it and then they would run into the kitchen and get an M & M. (they also chose which color they wanted, which was a big deal to them) We did this every time we took a bath. Sometimes they would be able to pee and other times they wouldn’t. If they didn’t go we didn’t make a big deal out of it we just told them that we would try next time, that way there wasn’t a lot of pressure on them. More than anything, I think doing this “pre-potty training” activity helped them to learn what it feels like to go and helped them become more aware of their bodies.

There will never be a perfect time to start potty training, there are always going to be distractions. The main thing for us is that we try to stay home for about a week. We set a timer and take them to sit on the potty every 15 minutes. One thing I’ve learned is that babies and toddlers don’t know how to hold it, they will just produce a little dribble every 15-30 minutes. It’s a huge pain. As you continue with it they do stop going as often and they begin to stretch it out to producing a good amount every 30-45 minutes. The main thing is that children have to learn to recognize the signs that they need to go and be able to express that to you. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. Many toddlers will tell you AFTER they’ve gone, but that’s not enough.

Just like discipline, consistency is very important in potty training. While “pull-ups” are a nice idea, they are pretty much a glorified diaper. When a child goes to the bathroom in a “pull-up” it’s not the same sensation as when they go in their underwear. With both of my boys I’ve gone straight to underwear when we’re at home. They are going to have accidents and it’s going to make a mess sometimes, but when they feel how gross it is to go in their underwear it should deter them from doing it. If a child goes to the bathroom in their “pull-up” it’s really no different from the way it feels when they go in their diaper, which is something they are used to. I don’t know if my mom told me or I read it somewhere, but if my boys have an accident in their underwear I always make them clean it up. I don’t just run and take their underwear off immediately. This afternoon Jake peed just a tiny bit in his underwear and then told me he need to go to the bathroom. He sat on the potty and continued to pee. So while he did pee in his underwear, he was able to stop himself, go sit on the potty, and then finish peeing. When he was done I made him take the underwear off and go put them in the washer. Since he didn’t pee that much there were no wet spots on the carpet or anything because he had been standing when it happened. However, when I was potty training Max I remember him having an accident in his underwear while he was standing on the tile floor in the laundry room. I made him take his wet underwear off and then I gave him a towel for him to clean the floor. This might sound mean, but I also make my kids wear their wet underwear a minute or so. I want them to feel how uncomfortable and yucky it is to walk around in wet underwear. They don’t like it and they don’t want to clean anything up either, it can be a good deterrent from having an accident.

Since we started the “pre potty training” we’ve always used M & Ms. They get one for number 1 and two for number 2. When we are out somewhere I use sugar free Ice Breakers mints as a reward. I think using a chart is also helpful. With Max we made a chart and he got to put a sticker every time he went. Every day he went with no accidents he got a big sticker. If he went 3 days in a row without an accident he got something special, a trip to McDonalds, a cheap toy or book. We haven’t started a chart with Jake yet but I probably will. I do think that “pull ups” are useful in some ways. I use them at nap time and bedtime, and for the first few weeks of potty training I use them for going out of the house. After those weeks though, we go straight to underwear, even if we are out somewhere. (I also make sure and pack extra clothes in case) I’ve been really surprised that the last 2 days Jake has been dry after nap, which to me is a good sign that his body is able to hold it. Once Max went several days in a row with a dry “pull up” I started putting him in underwear all the time except at night. When we take that step we are very careful about watching their liquid intake. We always go to the bathroom before leaving the house, then we go again when we get to our destination, and I’m careful about giving them anything to drink.

Potty training takes lots of preparation and patience on the parents’ part. You have to be super positive and be a little cheer leader. Parents also have to try not to get angry or sweat it when their child has accidents, this can be difficult and frustrating. If you think about though, this process is probably frustrating to the child too. They may master it in a day or they may not master it for months. I’ve found that letting my children be very involved in the process helps them to feel successful; they get to flush the toilet, they get to choose their underwear, and they get to reach in the jar and pick which M & M they want.

I’m happy that Jake will no longer be in diapers, but it’s kind of sad too. It’s a pretty big deal when a child is potty trained because it symbolizes that they are no longer a baby. I feel like my boys are growing up so fast, it’s hard for me to imagine never having to change another diaper. It’s going to be like getting a raise financially, but it’s also a reminder of how quickly time flies and how quickly our babies grow up. I’m not worrying about Jake having accidents, he’s really getting the hang of it and I’m proud of him. It’s a big accomplishment to go to the bathroom by yourself when you’re 2 years old =) I’m enjoying watching as Jake’s little face lights up when he goes to the bathroom in his potty. I’m enjoying the way he claps for himself and yells, “YAY!” I’m enjoying how cute he looks in his little Cookie Monster underwear as he runs to the kitchen to claim his reward. It cracks me up when he says, “Jake AWESOME!” to Cale after he’s had success. It’s precious that Max wants to be right there in the bathroom with Jake and how excited he is for him. Max cheers for him and tells him that he’s such a “big boy.” I’m so thankful that God has blessed me with these two precious boys, this is just one small step in the scheme of parenting, and it can be joyful just like anything else.

Dear Max & Jake,

Yeah, so it’s July. Really.

I’ve been busy doing a whole lot of nothing. At least nothing that gives me any sense of accomplishment. Kind of like you two. I mean, you don’t really “accomplish” much everyday. You play, we read, you learn, but no one great thing is produced in one day. That’s why being a stay at home mom is hard. We know that we are molding you and shaping the person you will be, but the progress is something hard to see. Sure, you are talking more, saying more, understanding things, but it’s not something you can always recognize. However, when you do accomplish something big, it’s awesome. You learn all the words to a song, you memorize a book, something we’ve worked on for a long time. You finally get it. It’s a great accomplishment. However, it’s short lived, because now that you’ve got that down we are on to the next thing. It never stops. Sometimes it’s exhausting. It’s called LIFE.

Break. Can’t remember what I wrote in last month’s letter. Oh yeah, have I mentioned I had back surgery?

You know, it’s good that you are so young right now. This has been the most trying time of my life and I’m grateful in some ways that you are both so young that you won’t remember this. I am an emotional wreck and you have watched WAY too much TV in the past 2 months. Such is life. All you will remember is what I tell you. So I better shut this up.

Things are peachy. You are both cute as can be and perfect little angels that need an occasional body slam. Sometimes I bang my head against the wall.

Happy June!

Love,
Mama