Renair's Reasonings

What I see...

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:37:00 +0000

As many of you know, I have embarked on an educational series called Landmark's Curriculum for Living, which has brought me to a pivotal point in my life. This essay is not a commercial although I would gladly stand for it (but not for the reasons the advertisers put forth.)

I am currently at Level II - the Advanced Course. In the first level, I learned who I was in context to self. In this particular level, I am learning who I am to the world. Without revealing too many specifics, I will say that at first, I was not totally feeling it. I thought about my personal activism and the other ways I contribute to the world. I am already there, right? Wrong! Some time ago, my friend Meek reminded me that what I loathe in others resides in myself. While I fought that revelation, I get it in relation to my place in the world.

At one point during the class a man shared how he had diminished his relationship with his sister because "she had a girlfriend," which immediately set me on guard. Already believing the world hates “us,” I was ready. He went on to say how their parents were gone and he and his sister were the only ones left for each other. I was livid. His color was not important to me; all I knew is there was another lesbian out there who cast aside. I saw all LGBT people cast aside, injured, or even killed for "his" ignorance. As I said, I was ready.

Later, there was an exercise that required a group of individuals to stand in front of the room for minute or so in silence. Another group was then told to stand a hair's breath away from the first, face to face. It was already bad enough that this man was in my sights, and we both fought to avoid the connection. My first go, I ended up facing a psychiatrist (how apropos.) As fate would have it, my next go round there “he” was, right in front of me. Eye to eye.

As I stared into the eyes of the enemy, I became even angrier. My former self took hold of me and I fought the desire to snatch his throat. The emotion continued to stir and tears began to well. How dare he not know? How dare he let go of his family because of who she loved? I blinked and looked away but could not shake his gaze. How long is this crap going to last?

And then, something happened. My hatred began to subside and I saw the pain in his eyes. The rest of the room, not focused on our dynamic, was none the wiser to what was happening in my space. I tried not to receive the understanding coming in. Not I, the fighter of equality! How am I receiving and understanding from what I perceived as a homophobic mind? For the first time I realized that, my stance was coming from a place of hate, not of the love and peace that I claimed was my contribution to the world...

As I sat in my seat, I struggled to understand what I was receiving and prepared myself for break. During that break, someone said that she had wanted to speak to me since Friday, but thought I did not want to be bothered. I told her I had gotten ready to speak but she had turned away. We laughed, aware of our individual perceptions. Then it hit me! My perception was the only way I SEE...

When I arrived back to class, I shared these experiences and the floodgates opened. I cried for the lost LGBT people, the murdered souls, the homophobic Right and for myself. I remembered the white people who marched with King. The straight people that walk with the gays. The rich that stand for the poor.

I now recognize my stance in this world and I am ready for this possibility! I am a being of diversity, understanding, and visibility, and I am giving up the "The world hates me" paradigm. Going further, I am also releasing the "I am not that person" mentality, because I am. I am THE person. THE difference.

It was all about changing what I saw...

Personal Journey - Day 1

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 06:11:00 +0000

Personal Moment: After taking a long break from writing the blog, I was not sure if I would ever bring it back. Things had changed; I no longer had the time and as far as I was concerned, no one was reading it. It was not until I had done an interview with "Sippin' On Ink" that I realized that my blog is not about me, but about those who take the time to read it.

******************************************************************
Insanity is...

Thinking I could do this alone.

******************************************************************

Lawyers have a phrase they use to signify urgency in a contractual deal -- TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. It is capitalized to stress it's importance and when it is used, the other party knows you mean business. The Free Dictionary defines this term as " a phrase often used in contracts, which, in effect says: the specified time and dates in this agreement are vital and thus, mandatory, and "we mean it." Therefore, any delay, reasonable or not, slight or not, will be grounds for canceling the agreement."

Although I do not have a contract with life, per se, it is understood that if I am allowed to breathe, I can live. However, through everything, I realized I was not holding up my end. I was breathing but not living. Now, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE...

Having lost some very special people in my life over the past few months, I realize that time is not promised. Another understood fact. Unfortunately, many of us do not live as such -- and I was becoming one of those very people.

So I decided to create a personal 30-day bootcamp for myself. In doing so, I plan to tackle personal issues that have been plaguing me such as weight, idiosyncrasies, social interactions, authenticity, etc. On November 30, 2009, I began this journey.

After an online discussion, I saw this [blog] as a wonderful opportunity to share what is happening with me along the way -- the good, the bad, and indifferent. In addition, you are able to leave comments and questions. Together, we will take this walk.

So to you, I say, "Welcome" and if you have time, check out older entries. Enjoy!

A CHANGE GONE COME - Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 19:07:00 +0000

I was so embarrassed. How was the great Renair Amin going to overcome yet another tragedy? I remember thinking “Get over yourself!” I had fought so hard not to get back to this point of vulnerability. I had to move again. Start over. Something I had promised myself I would never do again.

During my 33 years, I have been raped, abused, drug-addicted, and victimized. I have had to face the murder of my biological mother, grandmother, sister and brother in fire. I have even survived suicide attempts and long hospital stays. However, nothing seemed to amount to the feeling of failure. People kept saying things like, “…In time you will heal” and “This too shall pass.” However, what they did not understand was it was not just about a woman, job, or business; it was about me. It was about me feeling as if I followed God’s instructions and had lost everything. Did I misunderstand His Plan? And since I could not discern my truth, I just cut God out of the equation. I became agnostic.

I had no choice; I fell into myself. I started working on building my basic foundation by job and room hunting. I started planning my finances with the few weeks of work I had left. I secretly prayed to God, while trying not to betray my questioning feelings; I hoped that He would hear me.

I spent the holidays with Pam. Christmas was filled with our daughter, godson and one of my closest friends. Home felt like home again, but I knew not to get caught up because she still was not ready for us to reconcile. Work felt like my job although I knew it was getting ready to end so I slipped into a space of oblivion. I “let go to let God.”

From Christmas to New Year, home changed again – for the better. Things were different but I could not put my finger on it. I guess it was not for me to understand. I had begun to change as well. Remembering my strengths and trying to be honest about my weakness, caused me to reevaluate my role in everything. I was breaking through. By New Years, we had reconciled as the “new me” continued to emerge. I knew that I had self-sabotaged myself again. I needed help. I had lost myself in the brand of who I thought I was to be. I turned back to my spirituality with the blinders off. Who was I really?

The month went by with Pam and I growing spiritually with God at our helm. It wasn’t easy because we had come through a lot. Some of which will never hit these pages but this was the first time both of us would fight through for love—true love. I remember when she finally thanked me for believing and never giving up. I exhaled as I had stopped breathing a long time ago.

I went on interview after interview. My job had ended and I was quickly becoming buried under the same bills that I had just paid up. I was nervous as to how it would affect me but I had to keep strong. Every day I would listen to the news give its dire forecasts on the unemployment numbers and how hard it would be to get another job. Every time I left an interview defeated, it was another stone cast against my self-esteem. One day, I had left an interview in Williamsburg. I had just been treated rudely. It was clear, albeit subtle, that my being a woman – especially an African American, masculine woman - was not welcomed. I was fighting back the tears. I was about 15 minutes from home when my phone rang and my old boss yelled, “What’s wrong with your home phone? And where are you?” Apparently, he was trying to reach me. My old job that I had left in 2007 was opened and he wanted me back. I had temped occasionally when my replacement was out so we had kept in touch since I had left. By Monday, I was back at work.

Next, I started focusing on how to make my business thrive. I cut out all the dead projects and decided to maximize off the projects that worked the best. I even got ready to start performing again and at the end of February, I took the stage in Rochester, New York. Rochester was also the first city I ever performed in. Ironic.

It felt as if my life had been on “PAUSE” and Someone had started the tape again. Life had come full circle. Except this time, all relationships were new and better than ever. My self-esteem was renewed and I started addressing the internal issues that were affecting me. Truthfully, I was afraid. It felt like a dream and at any moment I would awake on my friend’s couch.

FAST FORWARD:

Pam and I are re-engaged and setting a new date. Pmyner is rebuilding but at a steady pace. My boss and I are working on a new level – different from our relationship when I left. I am still performing and getting ready for some new projects.

As I wrote this, I worried that I was telling too much of my personal business. I worried that I was giving a side of me that people may not need to know. I questioned if people would call and text maliciously. But in my spirit, I knew it was a tale that I needed to tell. In a year, I had lost everything – at least according to my definition. I had given up and saw no way out. However, in one month, everything had been given back to me anew. Amazing.

Is everything always perfect? No. Do I ever have a bad day? Sure. But now I use patience, hope and faith. I am not going to get overly spiritual because everyone’s journey is different but I will say: Don’t give up, even when the darkest hour seems like the longest days.

I realize the past year was a test. I had to have everything removed because I had forgotten. I needed reminding. It is very easy to take things for granted. Now I appreciate all that is given and show gratitude every day. Like that Chutes and Ladders game, you never know what is going to take you back down to the bottom.

***

My life has changed. People that never spoke to me now welcome me. They say, "I seem lighter...more uplifted." I socialize more. People even say that I am more fun to be around. I think to myself, “Wow! Was I that bad before?” But when I ask aloud, everyone just looks away.

“There been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long

But now I think I’m able to carry on

It’s been a long, a long time coming

But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will”

- Sam Cooke

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This - Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 10:58:00 +0000

The breakup actually happened long before I told anyone. I was trying to keep it under wraps but my life was unraveling. My mother had given me the "if it ain't one thing, it’s another" speech. My friends were starting to question what was going on and I was deteriorating. I scrambled to find a job, but to no avail. In October something finally happened.

God saw fit to give me temporary employment and I commuted from Far Rockaway to Newark, New Jersey, which was about 2 hours away via train. It was mostly a telecommuting position, which meant I did not have to physically be in the office every day. I was grateful for that, because some days it was just too hard to leave the house. My boss, a gracious soul, tried to give me a shoulder to lean on, but some times I was just a bumbling mess. However, I did my job because I knew that I was given God’s favor. The least I could do was to give back to my household what had been given to me.

I thought things would get better but nothing was changing. I was torn. My spirit was telling me to fight for my relationship while my ex was telling me to move on. I’d finally opened up to a few close friends and some told me the same thing, while others advised me to follow my heart, but protect myself. I did not know what to do. I just knew that Pam was the woman for me.

I kept working knowing that my job would end by the New Year. I kept fighting for my relationship but Pam was not budging. I kept praying although I felt my prayers were not being answered. Finally the straw broke the camel’s back so I grabbed some things and moved onto a friend’s couch. Completely beaten and totally questioning God’s plan for me, I was a shell. In one week’s time I was to be in a friend’s wedding with my ex. I had to get myself together! But how?

I continued to work around the drama. I broke into tears at any given interval. I thought I was going to have to go back into the hospital like I did seven years before after suffering a nervous breakdown. My business had failed. My relationship was over. My life was empty and God had deserted me. I cancelled any further appearances that were scheduled and just fell deeper in depression.

It was taking everything for me not to board a bus to Philly and get back on the drug road that I had walked before. Punish Pam. Punish God. Punish myself. Instead, I just laid around for two days straight and cried. I cried until the sound bellowed out of my soul like someone had died and they had – me.

When the third day came and I could cry no more, I got up. I decided it was time to get it together. I had to find me. Otherwise, I was not going to make it. It was time to get ready to face the world...and I did.

***
The wedding was a smash. Pam and I did the rehearsal, ceremony and reception together and had a ball. We agreed to spend Christmas and New Years together. I had resolved to leave the relationship in God’s hands which was a new process to me; I always needed to be in control. Though I believed Pam was the one for me, I was prepared to let her go.

Knowing that I needed to have a steady income, I continued to work as well as hunt for more employment opportunities. Being independent makes me happy so to find myself in a situation where I could not help my household, mother nor myself (especially) was detrimental to my self-esteem.

I also started writing as best as I could. I hit a hard wall of writer’s block and needed a release. I knew that writing was my solace and I had to find a way to let go. I had to sit down and figure out how I was going to reconstruct Pmyner. Was I going to make it work or was I going to let it go?

The New Year was coming and my life was getting ready to change. I felt it in my spirit.

And change it did…

Next Part 3: A CHANGE GONE COME…

Sleeping Ugly (Renair's Raw Truth) - Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:10:00 +0000

Sleeping Ugly
Lost wins
But still challenging life
It is my destiny to be a fighter
A writer
Many careers
Sometimes a crier of many tears
Once was a manufacturer of dreams
For others
While I slept through mine

****

Today I resurrect another thing that I let die – my blog. I use to come here and just vent out stories, poems, etc…whatever. It was my life line until one day there was nothing left. Later, it would become another thing I failed.

I left corporate America in 2007 to become a full-time entrepreneur- I needed to be free. I had been interviewed on television and radio, booked to perform in various cities, and had written for a number of publications. I was a star! People knew my face (if not my name.) I would be comp’ed entry into places, brought drinks, and invited to mingle with those that others longed to mingle with. I was a jet-setter and a go-getter but my full time job was stifling me. So I prayed hard. I wanted to know if I should go. “Lord, I need a sign.”

It was about a month or two before I got it [the sign] but once I had it in my head, I was out…mentally. So I started preparing for my exit. Gigs were still coming in. I thanked the Lord as I saw he was ordering my steps. I talked to my partner and fiancée Pam. I told her needed to do this. She gave her consent and I was on my way!

This joy was short lived. I went from being on the elevator rising to the top to the escalator going back to the first floor. It was as if I had been blacklisted by destiny because all of the phone calls stopped almost immediately. I vanished as quickly as I had come and got lost in my dream. I kept clawing for air quickly -- exhausting any savings and questioning the deal that I had with the Lord.

The holidays arrived and depression sat in as I became what I loathed – a dependant partner with no income. I fought the urge to give up, guided by the belief that this was just a “hard time” and things would get better. Thanksgiving became about helping the needy and I became about trying to keep a happy face as everyone applauded my decision to buck the system and step out on my own. However, inside I was a mess! Pam continued her barrage of optimism as I festered into a ball of hatred, angry at the approaching yuletide.

Christmas was on the horizon and I had decided to cancel my company’s holiday marathon which had been a smashing success the year before. I could not gather the resources, artists or people. It was another bitter strike for me and depression took residence in my heart.

I tried to convince myself that if I focused on the true meaning of Christmas, I could ride the wave of reality and not get caught up in the missing Christmas bonus I would have received had I kept my job. I tried to make the better of my first Christmas at home with my fiancée and step-daughter. I just kept trying to make it about living, but each day I cried. I cried because I was crumbling. Because I couldn’t pay my cell phone bill, my credit card bill or any household bill. Pam said we would be fine, trust God. I told her she was right and tried to regain my composure until my mother called; she needed me. Again, I couldn’t. So my doubt reentered and the tears returned.

By the time the New Year came, I was excited but still angry. Every thing annoyed me. I kept hustling through the spring but by now, I was in financial straits. I had no extra income. Eighty percent of everything coming in was going back out. I barely could afford car fare. I felt the lowest of low.

Spring was here and I was job hunting but finding nothing. Things were straining as my confidence was waning. The recession was on its way. But I had to keep going – there had to be a way to soar again. Again, my partner expressed her confidence in me and I prayed about it. Then I did the responsible thing – conducted surveys, made phone calls, scoped prospects until I came up with Speak Your Myne Brooklyn. I did everything to make it totally different from the Harlem venue, which also meant using more money that I didn’t have. The events were successful but were still costing me more than expected. Finally, I tried to pull off one more event – a birthday bash which could possibly launch a series of parties. Of course, everyone would come out for that…it was my day. I did my research again. Everyone responded – they were coming. Wrong.

So Speak Your Myne Brooklyn folded along with my dreams. My spirit was broken and I was beyond depressed. By then, I also had folded Myne Myc because I couldn’t get an artist interview to save my life. The Myne Magazine that was being published under my company had also folded and the only thing left standing was Speak Your Myne Harlem Third Thursdays. I had ceased production on both of my CDs to the dismay of my producer and my manuscript had still not been sent to the publisher.

I was a shell. I stopped attending venues not telling why. How embarrassing that the great Renair could not afford to be there! I could not even afford the typical promotional things anymore. So I lied by saying that I had a busy schedule and kept it moving. By now my therapist was on the hunt for me because I wouldn’t even leave my house. My friends had not seen me. People would call and get the voicemail. Eventually, I would call back when I had mustered up enough joy to fake it. My fiancée had not only broken off the engagement – she had broken up with me. I was living but slowly dying. The only thing I could do now was cry and even those tears were starting to abandon me.

Next…SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS…

Rain Down

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 03:31:00 +0000

Tears rain down
like thunderstorms
on days when the sun hides behind
shadowed clouds
and lightning strikes
into grates covering subway tracks
causing fires to burn out of control
with no emergency exits
just paths created by scorching tears
that rained down like
hard drops breaking cement
and causing cracks to create designs
that entertain the public
and leave me standing alone
drenched
looking for my umbrella

Seclusion

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 13:19:00 +0000

I am writing again
Not erotic rendezvouses
Or political banter of circumstances
But a raw expose of footsteps
Leading me to where I once was
I find my soul in the midst of negativity
In the midst of confusion
Chaotic circles form a cyclone above my head
Dropping debris of past mistakes
Crushing me beneath the weight of the truth
I am walking down a road
Familiar to my steps but scary to my soul
I have apologized
Fallen down on my knees and prayed
I have analyzed
Standing up on my feet and accepted
I have realized
Holding on to my heart and retracted
But I have finally removed the mask that I have worn
Held close by my friends to be pure in his Word
It is rather ironic how the worst situation
Reveals the true desire to be better
I have only come this far by faith
But almost turned around because I have been judged
Executed with a bow of mental conclusion
Which has burned a scarlet letter
for Betrayal in my heart
So I pen my confession
I am writing again
Not some type of word twisting phenomenal
Or Love Letter written in smoke
For Love is just a lying emotion
As Hate is a thin line between
It is time for me to escape
Pack a bag and run away
Hide in a mausoleum
To cleanse my steps
Around me
My
Life
Is
Crumbling
All that I have believed is almost gone
Alone I find myself
To rest in my head
Listening to voices of a melancholy tone
Inside a multiple echo leaves me cowering as I try to decipher
Wrong
I chose
Wrong
I saw
Wrong
So now I just walk
Living homeless and desolate
Humbled by all I have experienced
I will think twice
no
Thrice
Before I speak
Or Trust myself with another
I will breathe
One
no
To Ten
Before I make decisions
Or share my soul with the world
So for now I retreat
Pick up my soles and hide
So that my cocoon can engulf me
and I can emerge
Fluttering in the sun
Instead of being blindfolded by my mistakes
I will learn to be learned
I will teach to be taught
I will speak to be spoken to
I will seclude to be safe
I am writing again
Inside my brain
When I close my eyes
I finally see
I am wrong
I have always been wrong
And I will continue to be wrong
Perfection only rests in the heavens
And as long as I walk on the earth
I will live
I will always live
And I will continue to live
But for now--only in the world of my seclusion

Untitled

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:23:00 +0000

Pen tips drip purple haze
Long nose grows out fantastic
And life has bypassed gastric
Esophagus burned
ByBulimic hatred
Mixed with pellets of tomorrow’s lunch
I had a hunchBut decided against it
Loud words scream red smoke
Cross eyes see inside of plastic
And death has bypassed drastic
Esophagus still burned
By Anorexic loathing
Hidden by the corners of yesterday’s smile
I needed to run a mile
But decided against it
Tombstone remnants leave gray fog
Closed ears listen squeezed between elastic
And mourning has bypassed the classic
Esophagus no longer burned
By Schizophrenic disgust
Buried with the obiturary of today's demise
I tried to survive
But I decided against

Who Knew

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:30:00 +0000

The other day I took a trip back to my hometown. I had decided to visit an ex -partner during which time they pulled out our old wedding photos. I catapulted back to October 2000. I chuckled at the picture of her in her wedding dress. I remembered how we were stuck in two different sections of the house to avoid the bad luck of my seeing her in her dress before the wedding because my ride never picked me up. Looking at the photos inside the church, I shook my head as I could hear the wedding planner fuss about having to preserve the historical aspect of the building. I flipped the page and stared at the slimmer 26 year-old wearing the tuxedo and a sincere smile of happiness. Who knew?

On my travel home, I thought : Who knew that period of my life would no longer exist. Who knew that I would suffer the steps that followed? Who knew that all my lessons would lead to the place where I am today?

I used to think if I could do things over again differently that I would. Then I saw a movie called “Butterfly Effect.” That movie taught me even the smallest changes could alter a future drastically. Therefore, I learned to be thankful for the pains. However, sitting in her room, I wondered how different my life might have been if I had never taken the series of steps which led me to New York.

During my visit, I had to conduct some business. Although I was trying to relax, I knew that I needed to make a few business calls; June is an active month. As I sat in the middle of a business conference, she watched me. Every now and then, she would smile or nod her head. When I got off the call, she remarked that she was proud of me. Her eyes looked at me in full admiration with aspects of sadness, as she packed up her home to prepare for another move. I hugged her as I asked her would she be okay to which she responded that she would. I choked back tears as my heart prayed for her stability and prosperity.

Although we had stayed in contact over the past 8 years, it has not been without issue. For the longest time she has expressed her regret in making the final decision that lead to our separation. To the contrary, I always had regret in making the initial step that lead to our union. I guess, no matter how tumultuous our relationship turned out to be, every thing happens for a reason...who knew.

AM I BLACK? PART 2 - NEGRO

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 01 May 2008 17:58:00 +0000

So ...
You want me to be a negro today
You want me to recognize my birthright
And stand hand in hand to fight the injustice that has been perpetrated on our people
You want me to sing
We Shall Overcome
And march until my legs hurt
And sweat turns to blood
You want me in black
You want me not to shop
You want me to ...
Be a negro today
You want me inundated with emails
And essays
And poems
And songs of struggle
You want me to claim the whys
And know the hows
Without an opinion
Because I am a negro today
Well ...
I was a negro yesterday
And back to the years that I accepted that I was gay
But when did you all march for mine
And stop shopping for mine
And wear black for mine
Not that one time that you felt compelled
Hell
When was the last time you got all the Sharptons
And the Jacksons under one roof discussing
How to bring justice to those killed by their neighbors
Outcast from church’s favor
Or just disowned
Because
They were not just negro today
They also had one more strike...
THEY WERE GAY

EVOLUTION

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:19:00 +0000

I stopped writing. I stopped writing because I felt my soul would die if I did. I felt if I allowed my pen to open, I would bleed out every iota of emotion that resided. I was afraid that it would be too much for my pen to handle. It would be too much for the people to read.

This past weekend I was at a spiritual conference and had someone say to me that I am holding in a lot of pain. It broke my heart. For the first time someone saw past my façade. They saw past the sometimes-crooked smile. They saw past the picture that I try to portray so that I am not vulnerable. For years, I had been vulnerable and later branded sensitive. I was embarrassed if a compliment came my way. I was ashamed to accomplish. It was attention. For me, attention was not always a good thing no matter how positive. Instead, I rebelled. I had to find a way to turn it all into negative attention—that way I could function. I had heard that I would be nothing. Well, at least not something I would want to be. I almost accomplished that by destroying my life with alcohol, drugs and sex. I abandoned my talents and joys only to garner a reputation that would follow me for most of my life.

I worked hard to reprogram my mind to find who I really am; however even now my wiring crosses and I began back down the road of sabotage. Although I do not have the same perils, I am faced with the chatter of my internal voices. I keep thinking that if I hide my true journey with depression, and other internal demons that I will grow. On the other hand, I find that when I talk about it so many people relate. So today, I talk and hope that someone out there listening will know they are not alone. I hope they see that they can still prosper in spite of all of those tapes that play in their head. It is not easy but it can be done.

Funny, how I always vanish and then return with a new sense of self. One of my friends once told me that I was always reflecting. I was always evolving. Nevertheless, she was right. Things are constantly evolving and once they stop...they die, in one form or another.

BE TRUE

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 03:47:00 +0000

Recently I became ill. I could not move my head or upper body without excruciating pain. This pain was also inducing migraine headaches, dizziness and other complications that held me hostage for over a week. Consequently I became a closet hypochondriac. I started reading medical journals while wasting hours online researching my "illness" until I had convinced myself that I had either meningitis or severe tensions headaches. The "true" symptoms were almost identical. Fortunately, my neck stiffness was due to muscle spasms from tension and heavy stress.

When I would share with people my self-diagnosis about having meningitis, they would chuckle and ask why did I believe that was my condition. I would give them my list of symptoms while leaving out various aspects or revert to a completely evasive state and change the subject. My issue was that if I told them the list of my warning signs, they would force me to go to the hospital to hear what I believed was the true identity of my illness. How foolish! If something that serious were wrong with me, you would think that I would want to know.

How often have we told our stories while leaving out information to get the response that we wanted to hear? Understand that I am not talking about one-dimensional perspective stories which consist of only one's point of view. Those differ because we may not believe that the information left out was pertinent to the story.

However, I am addressing a different type of story called "Truth-Be-Told." "Truth-be-told" stories are those where information is left out intentionally because we know the whole account will change the input that we receive.

Let me share with you the story of "Mary" and "Jane." Mary had discovered evidence that Jane was cheating on her. She had found love letters, receipts for intimate purchases as well as a bill for another cell phone under Jane's name which Mary knew she did not physically own. She had not yet confronted Jane because first she wanted to seek the advice of her "council" which consisted of her mother, sister, cousin and best friend. Mary knew if she told them exactly what she had found, they would tell her that Jane was cheating and she needed to either confront her or leave. But she really did not want to leave; she wanted to keep the white-picket fantasy which she had believed that she was living. Mary began to predict what each of her committee would say based on her knowledge of their personality. Immediately she removed her mother since she did not really like Jane. The next person she removed was her sister, since her sister would tell her mother. The only two council members left were her cousin and best friend which was fine for Mary; the fewer that knew, the better. She then proceeded to call them with her revised story about how she thought Jane was cheating because there had been a few signs. Of course, in turn they told her how Jane's cheating was virtually impossible which pacified what Mary already knew to be true. She went on in denial until Jane left her two months later.

Although the outcome may not have been avoided, Mary could have prepared better for either a separation or reconciliation by allowing her truth to be shown. Instead, her omission of the facts allowed her to go into denial. Just like my decision not to tell my family and friends my true conditions prolonged my trip to the doctor's office. Now although my condition was not something to be ignored, it was not the meningitis that I thought. Also, if I would have gone as soon as the pain had gotten severe, I would have been healed by now!

Do not allow yourself to "omit" yourself into denial. Do not leave out important facts that could give you a better understanding of the circumstances in your life. It could save your life or, at minimum, allow you to heal faster.

AM I BLACK?

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 11:59:00 +0000

Sometimes we have instances where our soul cries out and for me, this is one of them:

It really amazes me
Totally blazes me
That I am only black if I am not gay
I know that people might say
That I am overreacting
Extracting what I want to believe to be truth
There is no use in trying to convince people
How feeble
That mentally we are all on the same level
So I will bury that with my shovel of reality
If you understand my point, will you follow me
If not, you can stop reading right now
Yes, I could crowd you with statistics
And I may do that in a minute
But first let me bare my soul
Now I will not profess to be some radical fist-pumping-afro-wearing
Feminist Lesbian wearing peace signs
While standing high on my podium holding on to my point of view
And please do not get offended as if I am talking about you
I am just saying what I am not
As I plant my anger seeds into a pot of conviction
Because I am guided by the idea that I am not black if I am gay
I listen to what people say
About how we as a community have to fight to stick together
We have to march through whatever the challenges we face
Ban together as victims of race and struggle
The numbers of racial profiling has doubled
And the man has kept us down
Gather around the burning cross that still lights the night
Listen as we hear the latest plight
One attack after another
Believe me, my heart beats for my brothers
And my sistahs
But I would be remise if I did not count my ENTIRE community
So I take it the murder of Sakia Gunn should not have mattered to me
I don’t remember too many people marching
As a matter of fact I remember people marking out reasons why this was okay
Hell she was out late that day
She had no regard for her safety
But what really gets me
Is they seemingly excuse the attacker
Talking about after this is over maybe more will learn
How many more of us have to get burned
Beat like a piece of fabric needing to be cleaned
No I don’t mean to sound mean but do you realize
That when “others” have died
They came together at their side
I am telling you, I believe that I am only black if I am not gay
I don’t care if you get mad because of what I say
It is the truth
Right now we are focused on Jena 6
And I am not saying that is not important but shit
But what about our other youth that are rotting away
Defending themselves for their crime of being gay
This here ain’t happen yesterday
We all gathered for the Newark girls
Whose story was only told to their world
Portrayed as a gang…a wolfpack to be exact
If you don’t believe
Then check your facts or at least the New York Post archives
Believe me I do not lie when I speak up picking of the paper
And getting vapors as I read that Aggressive Lesbians want to be men
Or how we tend to think women are nothing but property
Yet it seems to me whenever someone is injured
The media paints the picture with their sexuality first
You can even see the invisible rainbow on the hearse as it drives by
Do you have the heart to tell me that you think we should die because of who we are
No.
Well I still believe that I am only black if I am not gay
And I don’t care to play the games some play when they say it is not the case
That we are under one umbrella within the same race
Because statistics do not lie
If you do not know any stories
Do a search on homosexual hate crimes resulting in death
And if you look up orientation discrimination
Don’t rest until you have read every entry
I know this may sound elementary
But I am speaking to the dunce that is reading this ready to attack
In fact I guarantee that I will experience some ignorance when this is read
But do not approach me
Instead
Write your community leader
Or preacher
Teacher
Or Speaker
If you want me to be wrong
Start a petition a mile long and lay it on their desk
Yes, prove that I have all my information wrong
Put it in a song and have it downloaded a million times
Hide it in a chorus of a famous rhyme
Spread the word
Renair Amin is saying we don’t support the gays
Tell her she is wrong in spite of what she says
Please
Start a revolution speaking out against me
It doesn’t matter what their orientation may be
All revolutionaries are included
Have them meet secretly in a building
Plotting to show I am misinformed
Do
Whatever
It
Takes to show the nation
That it is about unification
And not about me
But until that day I remain free
To state my case in spite of what you may say
That I am only black if I am not gay

Copyright@Renair Amin. September 2007

SEIZE THE DAY

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 12:43:00 +0000

This week I am celebrating another year in my life which prompted me reread over my writings from the first day that I began this blog.

When I first started my blog, I wrote about life being a metaphorical party, how it was time to clean up and prepare for a new day. Today I continue this journey to accept my destiny of who I am designed to be and I wish the same for you.

During this time, a few key elements morphed from a dull point to a sharp reflection as I persisted to "clean up" for a new day. I would like to share five of those truths with you:

Erase the tapes. Often we are held bound by the tapes that are played in our heads. We are told that we are going to grow up to be nobody when our reality is that we are born somebody. Do not allow that implication to be one that prevents you from growing.

Treat others as you would like them to treat you. If you want them to respect your choices, respect theirs. If you want them to lend you an ear at any cost, lend them yours as well. If you would like them to honor who you are as a person, then honor their decisions and their growth during their journey.

Stop living vicariously through people. Create your own destiny. Do not bask in jealousy and envy to camouflage your lack of faith in inner self. It is imperative to know that you can have the same life, or an even greater life, as those that you are admiring. Abundance is available to all that just take the opportunity to grab it. Instead of dreaming about what you could be, recognize who you truly are.

Life is not designed to be perfect. Obstacles are in place as bridges to a better self. Each time we overcome an obstacle, we are preparing ourselves for the next task. Not all distractions are to reroute us from our path, some are just designed as a test. If we have no perseverance, then how do we see how far we can go?

Be grateful for all that is placed before you. The time you spend to mull over things that are wrong takes minutes away from pursuing your vision of what you want in your life. Also, being thankful for each blessing will allow you to consume yourself with positivity.

Those are just five (5) truths that have guided my steps over the past year. Also, it is important to remember that internal improvement does not happen overnight. If you have been living one way for years, you cannot expect it to change immediately.

My time of growth was hindered because I would not face my mirror - I still had a lot to accept. I was in denial about my accountability. I needed to realize how my actions had impacted many of the circumstances of my life. Although knowing this cannot change the past, it can lead to a more serene future.

I also had to keep in mind that each day is a new day. Everything begins anew with each rising. As the Good Book says, "Old things are passed away." To carry them forward causes stress and worry which are things that are detrimental to our mental and physical health. Also, worrying too much about tomorrow is another thing that I have to prevent myself from doing. It is okay to plan for the future and have goals and visions but it is not healthy to fall down under the weight of tomorrow. Enjoy the day. Stop and smell the roses while inhaling the fresh air.

Carpe Diem, my friend…Seize the Day!

Struggle

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 21:05:00 +0000

Some days you just have to stand firm and believe that THE DEVIL WILL NOT BREAK YOU.

The Devil Will Not Break Me

I have been tried and tricked all week
My heart is hurting as we speak but I shout out…. THE DEVIL WILL NOT BREAK ME
I know what my fate be but sometimes I need reminding and I am finding
Each time I attempt
I am shown that I am not exempt from things going wrong
But I swear I was singing the angel’s song
On the train tapping to my gospel
Or sitting like a fossil in prayer
Peeling down each moment layer by layer
By Reciting Affirmations in my head
Taking the bad times
And switching them to good instead
INSTEAD
Instead of the dread that greets me 325 days of the year
I will be fair and make sure my math is clear
I am close… give or take a few days
THE DEVIL WILL NOT BREAK ME
I say over and over again
As I watch him come in and camouflage as a friend
Standing next to me
Like he know me
Amazing…he is truly fazing me
I cry at how he is taking me under
I feel like I am drowning beneath the sound of thunder
I keep crying out within my fear and sea of doubt

You have no clue what it is like to be me
There are days when things swallow me
Times when the gallows be hanging me
Visually I see my body swinging… PLEASE …I must go on BECAUSE
THE DEVIL WILL NOT BREAK ME
I continue to cry out when I am without energy
When the synergy of my faith hides from me
And the light that shines for me blinds me
I have to believe those words I cry
I have to go on in order to thrive
I have to say it and I know why….THE DEVIL WILL NOT BREAK ME…no not this time

BELIEF

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 18:26:00 +0000

Sometimes when keeping a personal blog, I get lost for words. I try to think of inspirational thoughts but there are days when nothing comes to mind. Today is one of those days.

However, I do have a subject matter in mind to address today: BELIEF. I was watching Hell’s Kitchen last night and thought about how the winner, Rock, came in with the mindset that he was going to win. For the entire season, I watched as he struggled at times with doubt. However, it was not doubt of winning; it was the doubt of that one moment. Having a bad moment did not deter him from thinking he was there to win.

How often does one use one moment to dictate an entire experience? Just because you fail a test, does not mean you will fail the class. Just because you lose one battle does not mean you will lose the war. Have you ever have a bad morning turn out to be the best day of your life?

I think that life shows that it is imperative not to give up. It is about moving through the moment until it passes. No matter the final outcome, at least you gained another opportunity to practice the characteristic of strength. I was reading Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill and one thing that he said that stuck out for me was that most people give up right before something big is about to happen.

I started to wonder how many times I might have been a few inches from my glory and let fear or doubt come in. I quickly changed that mindset because I understand that at this point in my life, I have no room for regret. I must use those times for learning experiences.

When Rock won last night, I cried for him. I cried for his tenacity and belief in self…at least that is what I thought. Instead they were my tears of joy as I realized that my life has only begun to thrive because I moved out of the way and allowed it to be. Like Rock, I finally believe that I will win. No matter what happens, I know I will win!

DIVINE ORDER

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 11:46:00 +0000

I could not shake this feeling that Thursday was going to be a day that would change my life forever.And I was right...

The third Thursday of the month is our open mic. Typically the crowd is a nice size however, this night, the crowd looked less than usual. Of course as the event planner, I worried if would there be enough people to even support our feature poet as well as to keep the mic flowing. That would be first time "divine order" came into play as someone said to me that those who are needed to be here, will be here. Still feeling a tad disappointed, I knew the words they spoke were correct so I blocked out the idea of the amount of people and focused on why we were there in the first place.

In the beginning, the night was smooth. Then, when we went to intermission, everything changed. Outside a woman cried as her life was enveloped by pain. I recalled she was the same woman that I saw pacing a trail into the cement pavement as I did my MC duties. In my peripheral, I could see her gestures of frustration and loss hope. As usual, I ventured into my Q & A with my patrons by asking their enjoyment of the show. Again, I glanced her way and prayed that my question would go unanswered as she watched me with distrustful eyes. Of course, I could not ignore the fact that she was in my presence so I asked if she enjoying the show to which she said, "No." In an effort to understand, I asked, "Why?" And she proceeded to tell me that she did not believe the words the poets were speaking to be her words of truth.

I asked her why she felt that way and she began a story of a walk almost identical to mine. I struggled to hide the tears that she was invoking to fall from my eyes. After we returned from our intermission, she asked me could she take the mic. Nervously, I acquiesced and braced for what would happen next. However something inside kept telling me that our crowd was light for a reason and now it was time to have the exact reason why unveiled, and unveiled it was. As her voice fell across the stage, you could hear a pin drop. I had the video camera turned off as well as no photographs to be taken. She was purging her soul so the atmosphere would be her only stage. That moment changed the entire mood and room. People began to grapple with their inner demons, allowing them to reach into a place long forgotten. They embraced mic in support of her and her journey sharing pieces of enlighten and encouragement. I, of course, in hopes of lightening the heaviness of the evening tried various techniques, which at the end succeeded however it still only balanced out to a midpoint achievement. I learned the true difficulties with being an MC; you will never know what will happen.

However, I am thankful it was my venue because that night, I was shown true unity. I learned that we are able to ban together and support when needed and the room felt that. Some people told me that they were changed forever. Althoguh pleased with the outcome, I secretly worried about the lady whose voice took the breath out of the room.

Two hours later, I would reach home and be encountered by the reality of life and how far it is from death - just a breath.

Upon opening the door, a stench hit my nose. My roommate and I struggled to find it and were brought to the source. We found one of the dogs, Cani, very faint. At first, we thought it was dehydration until we noticed blood. Not knowing if it was her "female" moment, which dogs do encounter, my roommate decided to walk her. After five minutes, my roommate ran in the door hysterically crying and holding her faint. I took Cani in my arms and held her trying to give her water, calm her spirit and tell her it would be okay. Honestly, I knew in my heart that would be the last time I would see her face. I would come to miss her running to the door or her pursuit to find me when I needed her most. We rushed her to the ER but she could not be saved. God rest her soul.

Every story has a lesson and in this story, I am reminded of life and death. "Be grateful for every moment" is the constant thought from the moment the woman shared her story to the moment I knew I had to release Cani to the angels. So that is my advice to you...BE GRATEFUL FOR EVERY MOMENT.

P.S. There were some other things that came up as well. We will talk about those soon.

BEST

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 14:40:00 +0000

Today I cried internally. The weight of my burden would bind Hercules and collapse the shoulder of Atlas. It would even crumple the power of Zeus. Thus the role I play in life.

VICTIM is the name of the play. Starring myself...stage name ‘WOE IS ME.’

Stop being the victim! There are enough people gladly filling those roles. At what point do we grab hold to what is our true reality. I have said it before and I will say it again: IT ALL STOPS AND BEGINS WITH YOU. Do not expect others to give you what you do not give yourself. Alas, I guess I need to follow my own advice. Amazing how it is so easy to motivate others, yet we are afraid of motivating ourselves.

I guess the true question rests inside: Am I afraid of failure or afraid of success? What will truly happen when I finally succumb to letting my faith guide me? Whether it is a faith in a Higher Power or faith in self, one has to have faith in something. What if I really did achieve my wildest dreams? How bad would that really be?

Today I remembered my dreams. I embraced the inner child of dreams and assessed my truth as an adult. It became clear to me that I have not been giving my all. It was easier to give half and complain about what was not happening. No, I will not say I wasn't working hard but it still was not my best. Everything stopped short, albeit not much, of what I intended to do but yet it was enough to get by.

Many days I stood in front to only to fool everyone else but myself. Put your best foot forward, I would say. If only I would listen to my own words. So now my challenge is to spend the next days giving all I can truly give. No excuses. No escapes. Of course, one may say that it is embarrassing for me to admit that I have not given my all. What they are missing is that I gave all to everyone else but myself.

I am so ready to finally embrace all that is in store. What about you? Are you giving yourself the best you have to offer?

RELEASING THE MONKEY

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 10 May 2007 11:30:00 +0000

Okay, so you are flying high aware of your "companion" when you decide that it is time to place your monkey on the ground. Unfortunately, the monkey has other plans and instead begins to struggle with you for its place in your life. What do you do? Do you give up and continue to fly on or do you press on through the pain and continue your plan to remove your guest?

Life is not a trip to see a broadway play instead it is a stage itself. The only thing you can ascertain is what role are you going to play: THE VICTIM OR THE VICTOR. Although there is only a two letter difference, the roads these two roles travel are perpendicular meaning they are two different roads joined together at a common ground: YOU.

Someone once told me that in order to function in life, you have to learn to pick and choose your battles however, sometimes the battle chooses you. When this happens, you have no choice but to fight back. However, it takes steps to properly rid yourself of what is holding you down.

WAYS TO RELEASE YOUR MONKEY:

Communication: No matter what your monkey represents, communication is first and foremost. Whether you are communicating with the monkey directly, venting in your journal or discussing your struggle with others, you will not be able to properly assess the situation unless you discuss it. What are you saying as you speak about your monkey? There are times when I am totally confused on how to handle a situation until I speak, pray or write about it. There is often a clarity that comes upon hearing or seeing your words. Have you ever been faced with an issue and while discussing or praying about it, the solution is made clear?

Let's not forget the person that knows you the best: YOU. No one else can tell you best how to best handle a situation. All the input in the world is welcomed but remember at the end of the day, the greatest person affected by your decision is you, first, and everyone else thereafter. Also, watch who you confide in as there are people that either may not have your best interest at heart or offer advice while living vicariously through you. Only you know which person in your life can give you unbias, non-judgmental assistance. Just be careful not to confide in someone who has a potential of joining the monkey that is already in place!

Acceptance: If you continue to place blame as to how the monkey got on your back, you will never be able to understand how to get rid the monkey. Yes, some of us are plagued by childhood issues. Yes, some of us have gathered monkeys that have jumped from one’s back to ours. And yes, some of our monkeys were subconsciously placed on our flights but how long will you continue to ignore that they exist. You can continue to blame your old lover, family and/or friends but you must stand in truth that even if they created it, only you can rid yourself of it.

Strength: A monkey can weigh more than what we feel we can truly handle but it takes strength to press on. Take time to plan how you will execute a proper handling of your situation. If it requires therapy, do so. If it requires a cease in communications, do so. Even if it requires for you to turn around and revisit the place that you acquired your monkey, no matter how painful, do so. No one said it would be easy but strength is the only thing that will allow you to fly forward albeit weighted down.

Help: Never be afraid to accept help. One of the scriptures that I hold within my head as I think of this step is “Pride goeth before destruction…” We are human beings hence we cannot expect to go through life without ever needing help. Heck, even therapists have therapists. I have heard people say how they thought they could handle it all alone. If you are flying with more than one monkey, each bigger than the other, than how could you handle all that weight alone? Get the help you need. Holding on to the monkey as not to be vulnerable causes you to become too exhausted to continue your flight. It can also cause your journey and growth to be hindered due to an injured spirit which will cause a negative manifestation in other areas of your life.

When I was younger there was a song by the WuTang Clan that said, “Cash rules everything around me.” In this case, C.A.S.H. is the only way to get rid of monkey. It will buy you a chance at freedom. By COMMUNICATION, ACCEPTANCE, STRENGTH and calling out for HELP, you acknowledge that although you are in control how you get rid of the monkey, it is a task that cannot be done alone. Whether your help comes in a spiritual or physical manner, it can be conquered.

Also, do not rush the process. It takes time and forgiveness. Be truthful with yourself. Even if you have more than one monkey, take time to get rid of each one separately. Do not put the expectation on yourself that you have to get rid of them all right away! Often times, the monkeys are linked by the tail meaning that getting rid of one may subsequently get rid of another.

Remember, you cannot fly with your eyes on the monkey. By shifting your gaze onto the monkey, you are more focused on it than on your journey. Acknowledge it, accept it, gather the strength to overcome it and ask for help if you need it.

Just a thought: If you are flying blind, then who is truly in control of where you are going? That’s right…the monkey.

STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Mon, 07 May 2007 11:19:00 +0000

"Straighten up and Fly Right" is one of my time favorite songs. When I was younger, I used to grab my hairbrush and sing like I was on stage at Carnegie Hall. Not once did I care about the monkey or the buzzard, it was about singing the song. However, age changes perspectives.

I was having a discussion last night that made me think of this song. What happens when you are the buzzard with a monkey your back? I am sure one could be sympathetic to the monkey; hell, he could plunge to this death. Unfortunately, I believe the victim here is the buzzard who is doing everything possible to shake the monkey off even down to telling a lie.

Have you ever had to shake a monkey? Sometimes it seems like there is nothing that you can do to get rid of the extra weight. Here you are tussling and struggling while they are not just holding on, they are digging in deeper. The ironic thought that came to me was that most of the time, we put the monkey on our backs in the first place. Examine the lyrics in the song, "the buzzard took the monkey for a ride in the air."

Monkeys are disguised in many ways. Whether it is a relative, a friend, an addiction, or a problem, it can be seen as a monkey. A "monkey" is anything that is holding you hostage while causing you additional stress. Another sign that something is a monkey is if every time you try to get rid of it, it gets fights harder to stay.

Examples:

You befriend someone. Over the course of time this person exhibits signs that they are not an addition to your life. Every time they enter, they subtract something essential to your daily functioning. When you attempt to diminish contact, they remind you of all they have done for you. This monkey will always have something negative to say about someone or something. They are the creators of the backhanded compliments: “Oh, that outfit looked nice on you, even if it was too small.”

Your boss is forever complaining about everything you do. (S)He will go out of his/her way to find something to make a mountain out of a molehill. It can be a twenty page document in which if they find two mistakes and the entire document is ruined. They will throw temper tantrums if you try to leave on time although you are not paid for overtime and will expect you to work through your lunch, just because you are in the building. Every time you mention your unhappiness, they remind you of their unhappiness with you. In extreme cases, they not speak to you for a few days outside of standard conversations. This monkey believes “What is good for the goose, the gander better not even think about it!”

Every time you visit your family, you have to mentally prepare. You have yet to visit and have a good time. There is always one person that goes out of their way to tell you how screwed up you are and will forever be. The only time they call you is when they need you, but you always go running. It could be money, time, or assistance; no matter what, you are always there. The first time that you are unable to fulfill what they need, you are called every name but your birth name. Now it is to the point that you cringe every time the phone rings. You even hesitate to check your voicemail messages. This monkey is one that could drive you to indulge in activities that you have long given up. However, indulgence only validates their original statement that you will always be screwed up.

Your lover of four years just told you that they no longer are interested in being with you. You go through a horrible breakup. However, at some point, you decide to forgive them and move on with your life. They appear manifested as a “new” person who wants a second chance because their breaking up with you was a horrible mistake. You think about it but then over the course of time, you change your mind as they start exhibiting old behavior. They cannot understand and now they are calling you fifteen times a day telling you how they were never interested in getting back with you anyway. This monkey will play the yo-yo game. One minute, they love you; the next minute they hate you and the whole hour gives you a headache.

Each of the above scenarios can be switched out with a different face but the issue is still the same: YOU HAVE TO GET THEM OFF YOUR BACK. How do you remove the monkey and not send yourself plunging to your own demise in the process? Remember, some monkeys are trained to take you down with them. Have you ever wondered why they dig in harder instead of releasing their grip? Once the grip is released, they could be sat down gently instead of being tossed off violently. I mean that would be easier…wouldn’t it?

Stay tuned for Part II…RELEASING THE MONKEY

RECESS

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 03 May 2007 19:41:00 +0000

Today I feel full.

It could be because I have just eaten lunch. Who knew a grilled chicken and spinach salad could do such a thing?

However, I know that my fullness is not from food; it is from life. I feel like I am on the verge of something beyond my belief but it is bubbling up like that oil on the Beverly Hillbillies.

In truth, I think that I am overly anxious. Instead of turning back the hands of time, I am trying to break them off. Although I am clear that everything happens in its own time and for its own purpose, I still want it my way.

The crazy thing is the more that I tried not to think about it; the more thoughts of the future started to overtake me. Everyday I would find myself dreaming of what I wanted to see happen. A distracting tidbit about myself that carries me away from reality for at least 2 hours everyday, I try to limit my fantasizing to at least 10 minutes at a time to avoid someone catching me talking to myself. When they look at me strange, I remark, “Have you ever heard of The Secret?” Unbeknownst to them, I had been doing that fantasizing thing long before it was to be part of a trend.

Now when I was a child, I never worried about the future. As a matter of fact, I question if my faith was stronger as a child. I remember (and do not laugh…although I know you will) being in school and dressing up every day at recess. You could not tell me that my “outfit” would not be my career. For a little background, I went to a Christian, private school where Bible Class was a major subject and every morning we pledged allegiance to the American flag, the Christian Flag and the Bible. Back then, I was all about ministering to others so I would dress up using a choir robe, grab my Bible, and preach everyday about the goodness of God. Funny that, now here I am over 25 years later and all it takes is for a small storm to weather my life and I am completely drowning. I wonder what has taken me from Point A to Point B.

So no, I did not become a minister in the literal sense; however, my talent of speaking for what I believe has made me a minister in the poetic sense. I do wish I could greet that young girl in the schoolyard and ask her a few questions. But the perplexing question is “How did she always manage to stand even when her ground would rumble?”

I do not know what her answer would be although I am sure it would be something like, “God holds me up when I start to fall.” She had a knack for saying just the right thing. But over time, the robe got dirty, the Bible got heavy and that young lady started experiencing an adult life quicker than expected. Now she just fantasizes about the days when life was for play and recess was her reality.

I miss her.

Alot.

HEALED

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 15:11:00 +0000

Do you remember the movie, The Truman Show? The idea that one could live in a world not realizing that it is all a stage was brillant and for me, truth.

Every day I learn something new about myself that causes me to question my entire existence. Being that I suffer from clinical depression sometimes I am prevented from always seeing the joys in a situation. Every day is a struggle for me to smile and sometimes a smile is what I need the most to hide the tears. However, each time I sit down with you, I am another step closer on my upward climb. Each day I look at a blessing, I have done better than yesterday. Each moment that I am able to thank my Higher Power, I know that I am grateful and accepting in my journey. Even so, in a new walk, this is not always the easiest thing to do.

I remember saying asking myself, "How can I write about me without exposing myself completely to others?" I believed that I needed to present a strong front to avoid ridicule and judgment. Today I disagree. Today I know in order to survive, I have to tell my story. My telling of my life will help the next person who may not believe in a tomorrow.

I am here to tell you that you can make it through even when you are not sure how this is going to happen. Today, I will walk you through my life so that tomorrow we can go forth on my journey to peace and self healing:

The following was read at my church, Unity Fellowship - NYC, during women's month:

Healed
Jeremiah 17:14 & 15 reads
14 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.
15 They keep saying to me, "Where is the word of the LORD ? Let it now be fulfilled!"

** May the Lord add a blessing to the reading of his Word.

When I first thought about the theme, the first thing that came to my mind was healing. I thought about all the times when sickness had engulfed my body and I still made it through. However, something kept telling me it was more to being healed than just the physical manifestations. So I sat down and started playing back mental pictures of the ways that I had been healed. In order to walk towards healing you have to stand in your truth. I Peter 2: 1-3 says, “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.” So I picked up a glass of spiritual milk to quench my thirst.

I started all the way back to the days when I was a child and jealousy caused a family member to inform me that all the happy things of my life where not true. My biological sister told me that I was adopted just to show me how I was not better than she was. My thoughts then moved up to the age of 12 and remembered the day that a man held me down and took away what he believed was his. I was so embarrassed it took me 7 years to tell my mother what had happened although I am sure she wondered why every time a show about rape came on TV, I cried. I continued to spend my teenage years running from bed to bed searching for the love that he took away from me. On February 5, 1993, my biological mother, grandmother, sister and brother were murdered in an arson producing stress that caused me to drop out of school. Later, I suffered from a pregnancy that killed the baby and almost killed me as well. That would be followed by a three-year physically abusive relationship that left me afraid to sleep at night for the fear that she would jump out of the dark to beat me as she had done on occasion before. Even after that trauma, I would go on to marry a woman who would leave my life in shambles. I was institutionalized after the weight of my past fell on my shoulders. I would come out and go back in after a failed suicide attempt of which I was going to shoot myself but did not have the heart to pull the trigger. I ended my hospital tour 2 days after 9/11 and 3 days after the murder of a childhood friend. It made me appreciate life. I never tried to kill myself again.

Psalm 138:8 says “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.” After bouts with drugs and alcohol, I fell to my knees and even for one moment thought if I lived “right” and left these women alone it would get better. I tried but my truth was I was a lesbian and that was not going to change. My life was on its last limb when I made that trip to New York that would lead me to where I stand at this moment.

My life has been full of hardships but my truth is this was the journey that I was to take so that I could tell my story. However, when I used to go over my story, I would blame the people or the circumstances surrounding me. I never held myself accountable but was I was the only common denominator that was canceling my own self out. So I went to God and got honest with Him…and myself. Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Today I stand here to say that there is nothing that you cannot come through. I found that although the truth may set you free without your Higher Power, you will never loosen the chains that held you captive.

I have also been set free of regrets. I had to see that no matter how painful my memories were that one small change might have changed my life in a totally different way and it may not have been for the better. Each step in your journey is to guide you where you need to be. Today I stand here a graduate. A published writer and poet. A Business Owner. A mentor. A Leader. And a friend. And all this would not have been possible if it had not been for the grace of God and his ability to let me find my truth so I could be set free. I had to see that I had to treat my truth as though it weighed nothing because if I made it more than that, I could never lift it. I would let it weigh me down with shame, animosity and fear. I firmly believe Nothing is more truth than a truth that is nothing.

FRAUD

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 11:50:00 +0000

Fraud

Back to where it started

Strange lives departed

Taking another way

Steps uncharted

Strange lives departed

Faking another day

IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAVE WRITTEN HERE and now I must ask myself why. Lately I have been on a path to rediscovery and can only assume that my revelations have led me back here.

They say "honesty is the best policy." Well, if that is the case, then as of today I am signing my life away.

My truth: I believed no one was there to realize my absence. Subsequently, that became my reason for my need to cease "living." I stopped talking because I felt so no one was listening. I wanted to stop my company because I felt no one needed it. I almost stopped writing poetry because I felt no one was reading it. I stopped my show because I felt no one was supporting it. I was willing to silence myself; no longer needing to be heard.

Over the past week I have come to realize that I have to do all of these things. In truth, regardless if anyone was listening, reading, or supporting, I had to know that I was hearing, reading, and supporting my own personal journey. Please do not misunderstand -- I am aware that there are supporters of each of these projects but sometimes my mind is on personal defeat mode. When things do not move at MY pace, I wonder if the seeds that I am planting will ever grow. What I had to learn was that my seeds grow underground before they bloom for my viewing.

So a fraud is what I felt like up until this point although, in reality, I know that I should not feel this way. What I have experienced is what some would call "learning." However, I am feeling like I am in the matrix. I feel like I just have awaken and my entire life has been a lie. What has been the true motive behind why I have done some of the things in my life? Are the things I truly despise in others, resting inside of me? If I have thought I knew love before then what is the love that I have now? How do I truly embrace the happiness that is in my presence if I thought I knew happiness before? Of course, rhetorical questions get rhetorical answers that cause further thought and profound revelations, which can be scary process if you are not ready to receive the truth.

With that, I have discovered that I needed to do all that I have done because it was to prepare me for today. I find that the love I experience now is greater because I have discovered self love. I have recognized that some friendship dynamics will change regardless how much as one may struggle to keep them the same. Furthermore, there will be some people that will be removed from your life in their entirety because they are no longer compatible to you and your destiny. You have to be honest with yourself and see what is holding you back. In my case, I was holding me back. I was preaching words of "why" and living the hypocrisy of the words "why not."

So now I begin a new journey. I return almost a year later to take you on my walk of activism, entrepreneurship, spirituality, life and love. We will talk about newsworthy stories, anecdotes and other revelations that I discover over this new walk. I pray that something will enlighten and uplift you as it has uplifted me. If we use our living to uplift each other than our living is never in vain.

Remember that question: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? I believe that it does and it screams loudly; I have been a tree on many days.

SHARED VISION

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Wed, 03 May 2006 19:34:00 +0000

What is your vision?

Shared Vision

We share many things but how often do we share a vision
Or is the question what's the true intent of our mission
See as a child I was taught to share
I had to share my toys, my space or whatever was deemed fair
I would say WE were taught this lesson
On how to give unto others what God has blessed us
But not every child was taught the very same thing
Some were taught to keep their own things and snatch what others bring
But over time, sharing rules were no longer the same
Instructions fade away with childhood games being beat out by adult ways
It’s not like that some people might say
UNTIL it comes to sharing something that starts something
Then we sit back twiddle our thumbs and act like it’s nothing
We can share gossip to tear down the masses and if we are wrong we do not retract it
We just keep whispering and keep laughing or better yet we just start acting…like we never said it at all
We are willing to let another victim take the fall
We can share pain creating a permanent stain without any way to cleanse it
Break down fences with no intention to mend it
We will shoot the messenger but honor the person who sent it
Remind people of things they pray to forget and
We try to knockdown instead of uplift
While hiding behind our back our true gift
We hesitate to bring the positives but will rush to bring the negatives
But we want a shared vision, you say?
In this world, all I see is the sharing of the –isms placed before me
Racism, Classism, Sexism all through a straight prism
When it isn’t written, it’s spoken
Hate so thick it makes you choke
But many don’t fix what is broken
They ust shift the blame while no one is looking
But we don’t always have to go too far
Most of it happens right in our own backyard
Some are quick to tell you about all your want nots and have nots or how they got more problems then you got
Then there are people that keep moving and don’t stop until they have drained every drop
That subtracts many but leaves a few
Have you noticed the other ones that try to live vicariously through you… giving you advice on what you should do…telling you things they wouldn’t even do
Also beware of those that will tell you are being selfish the first time you think of your own importance
Can we have a shared vision?
Yes, once we remove the one-track minds with two track goals
Once we accept the gift to great to behold
An approved vision
An upward mission
Our faith tells us all we have to do is listen
To His Words which helps us to understand
The Vision of His true Plan
A place where we can see God’s purpose defined clearly
Openly and Abundantly
Hands joined together
Praising and rejoicing
Sending up prayers and lifting our voices to achieve all that is destined to be
Removing our blinders so that we might see
That the shared vision within us should be
A shared vision within unity.

REAL

noreply@blogger.com (Renair Amin) — Thu, 09 Mar 2006 12:21:00 +0000

     You cannot be mad when someone reveals their real face.  In the beginning, it is an automatic reaction of anger but after thought, we must gather our bearings and decide that this is all for a reason or purpose.

     For me, that does not happen overnight.  I am a person who walks on a cloud where everyone must like me.  I remember once seeing an episode of Golden Girls where Rose Nyland spent the entire episode trying to make someone who did not like her, change his opinion of her.  When he asked her simply why was it so important for him to like her, she told him, “Everybody likes me.”

     Although I am not naïve enough to believe that everybody likes me, I still am kind of delusional in thinking that most people that at least say they are my friends really do like me.  I say delusional because I have never thought of the fact that maybe, just maybe, I am under a false impression of who considers me a friend. Honestly, I recently found out that I can not even tell the difference between a mutual love and a passing fancy.

     What shocks me and continues to amaze me are the blinders that I wear and my oblivious manner in which I conduct myself.  My nature allows me to see the good in people first and be sideswiped by their actions later. What happens when I am victim to a “people are in your life for a season?”  Especially when I did not even know the weather had changed.

     Today I mourn a loss that at one period in my life was my air, sun, and water until things were changed at my expense.  I continued to be there as a friend whenever and however they needed me only to be told that the entire foundation is more of a regret than a cherished memory as it remained for me.

     The pain that digs itself up is, at most, buried so deep that all I could do was to brace myself for the impact as I thought of the many times I stood as a force when it was needed and laid down like a mat in allowance of free expression in my sick version of what is produced by love and a friendship.

     I am truly reminded of what I wrote in response to a blog comment when someone questioned, “What do you do when someone you believed is a friend is no longer a friend.”  My response to them was to appreciate the memories that you had with them and then let it go as its time is up.

     Although it hurts me to wonder the true agenda of the person in the midst of their accolades, expressions of affection and love, and their ability to lean on me, I must be accepting of their realness. Yes, it does bother me to think of all the times that my conscience told me I deserved better treatment yet I attributed their actions to their issues in their life.  It even bothers me to think that I had allowed this whole bitterness to fester as long as it did without pulling out prior.

     However, even though there are many things that bother me, there is still a lesson that I must gain from the experience and for me it is:  Some people are in your life for a reason or for a season and in some cases, you are someone’s season.

     But that is just, MY PERSPECTIVE.