“I’ll tell you one thing: Don’t ever give anybody your best advice, because they’re not going to follow it.” —Jack Nicholson

This has been your Precious Encouragement of the Week.  Giving you the second and third-string advice that you’re sure to follow rather than the really good stuff that you’ll just ignore.

The prevailing paradigm of modern society has a message…

humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog

This one’s called “Ninja Off-Season.”

Summer sun blazes
Shoulders torched red and peeling
Ninjas do not tan

And this one’s called “Stupid Overtan Tanktop Wearing Bitch at the End of the Bar With Her Other Stupid Overtan Tanktop Bitch Friends” …

You say O-M-G
Out loud one more goddamn time
You’re losing an arm

humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog

So there’s a report saying that cats are very good manipulators of humans, specifically how they use a small cry while purring to get their owners to do what they want, like feed them.

“Oh yeah, I use that all the time,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Marlie can’t resist it, even when drunk.  I rub against her leg, purr, and let out a little meow and she just melts.  Does that weird thing that baby talk that people do to cats.  But I get fed and that’s all that matters.”

They usually do this to their owners, because just regular meows work on non-owners.  They’re not as desensitized to cat antics.

“I can pretty much walk up to anyone, give a meow, and they’ll pet me,” says Bernie.  “I have to work a little harder with Marlie because she’s used to me doing that.”

Plus in Bernie’s case he has full command of the English language and thus is prone to yelling his demands rather than using manipulative meows.

“I’ll jump up on Marlie while she’s on the couch and meow,” says Bernie.  “But she’ll be like ‘Feck off, I’m watching that movie about Bobby Sands.’  And then I’ll be like ‘Woman, get your bitch ass off this fucking couch and put some fresh kibble in my dish!”  But that just gets me squirted in the face with the water bottle.  So then I remember my kitty powers and I nuzzle back up to her with some purring and boom!  Got my Fancy Feast, bitches.”

I think cats are secretly working on what purring frequency will make us launch nuclear missiles against ourselves so that they can rise power in the post-nuclear aftermath.  The sound of our extinction won’t be man-made.  It will come in the form of something inviting us to rub under their chins.

humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog

David Arquette is going to live in a plexi-glass box above the Madison Square Garden marquee for two days in an attempt to raise money for the world’s hungry.  Well, only for eight hours at a time for those two days.  I mean, come on, he’s not David Blaine.  He’s an Arquette.

Usually if I hear David Arquette is in a movie my interest in seeing that movie goes down substantially.  Never have I said “David Arquette’s in this movie?  Oh man, it has to be good.”   He’s in the same class as Ryan Reynolds and Paul Walker; that class being actors whose starring presence in a movie immediately tells me that it’s not going to be good.

Then there was that stint where he was a pro wrestler and actually held the World title in WCW, which is considered a major reason why the company failed and was then bought by Vince McMahon.  The Baldwins never put a company out of business.  Neither did the Carradines or the Barrymores. 

So why would I give money to something fronted by my least favorite Arquette (at least pre-transition Alexis Arquette was in Pulp Fiction as the gunman with shitty aim)?  Ooh, you’re sitting in a clear box in public for 8 hours.  Toll booth operators do that.

I say if David Arquette wants my money to help world hunger, he should have it set up like this: the more money you give to the fund the longer he stays in the box.  For a few dollars a day you can help keep David Arquette locked in a box, unable to act in any movies.  Watch him lament the fact that he didn’t have a shower or toilet installed in his box.  Witness his grip of reality crumble as sleep deprivation chips away at his sanity.  Delight in his heaving sobs as retribution for that Ready to Rumble movie. 

Celebrities are quick to latch onto causes, but how quick would they do that if they knew that the cause’s success hinged on donators wanting them to suffer?  You might not care about the environment, but if fifteen bucks to Greenpeace gets Larry the Cable Guy shot in the thigh with a paintball gun then you might be willing to be charitable (thirty for an above the waist shot).  If you told me every time I donate forty bucks to cancer research Jimmy Fallon gets roundhouse kicked in the head, there’d be a hospital wing named after me for my generosity.  And I’m sure there’s a large charitable pain market for Ben Affleck, Angelina Jolie, the cast of Laguna Beach, the women of The View… the list is endless.

I’ve said before that if I give to charity they will revoke my Mianthrope Card, but I think this charity-for-pain idea is a workable loophole to that. 

humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog

Theologian Charles Swindoll wrote:  ”Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.”

Obviously Mr. Swindoll knows Tag Larkin, because that’s exactly how Tag Larkin lives his life.

Sure, it’s a fact that most if not all shopping malls, coffee shops, and convenience stores declare that you can’t walk around their establishments shirtless and with an opened tallboy of beer.  But if Tag Larkin wants to purchase some wrinkle-free slacks or a moccachino or a box of Hot Pockets while bearing his manly chest and chugging 24 ounces of Schlitz, then you’re not going to stop Tag Larkin from doing so.  And all those  pleas about “please the leave the store” and “we’re calling the cops”  and “put down the beer or we’ll taser you” won’t move him either because to Tag Larkin…

Attitude is more important than facts.

Sure, it’s a fact that Ankara is the capital of Turkey and not Gobble-gobblestan, and Alex Trebek told Tag Larkin this during an episode of Jeopardy that Tag Larkin was part of as a contestant.  But it doesn’t make much difference what the capital of Turkey is after Tag Larkin hits you with your own podium and that’s because…

Attitude is more important than facts.

Sure, it’s a fact that Tag Larkin is not the drummer for the Rolling Stones or the King of Norway or the first man to fuck a comet.  But that doesn’t stop Tag Larkin from telling women these things when Tag Larkin tries picking them up at a bar, or a bank, or a funeral.  And to everyone’s surprise sometimes it actually works.  Well, everyone’s surprise except Tag Larkin because Tag Larkin knows…

Attitude is more important than facts.  It’s also more important than education and money, which is why Tag Larkin also says he owns Monaco and has a PhD in GlobalThermoAstroDynamic Brain Surgery.  Go ahead, tell him he doesn’t.  See how far that gets you.

humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog

“So a lot of people still have that famous Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70’s,”  I say.

“And I’m one of them,” says Anonymous Doug.

“Is it going to be weird to whack off to it now that she’s dead?”  I say.

“Not at all,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I didn’t give up my Betty Page collection when she died in 2008.  I never stopped enjoying Deep Throat after Linda Lovelace died in 2002.  And I sure didn’t stop cranking it to Bea Arthur when she went this year.”

*blink* *blink*

“Bea Arthur?”  I say.

“Sometimes I’m in the mood for something unconventional,” says Anonymous Doug.  “She’s a tough old broad, like Pat Summit.  She’ll get in your face and make you love it.”

*blink* *blink*

“Seriously?  Bea Arthur?”  I say.  “Were you trying to whack it to Adrienne Barbeau on ‘Maude’ and you reached climax when Bea Arthur popped up on the screen, thus conditioning yourself in an unexpected way?”

“No, I’m just into a lot of weird shit,” says Anonymous Doug.  “My years of debauchery with impunity sometimes leaves me desensitized to what would normally stimulate the average person.  On those occasions, I need something just totally out there to get off.”

I’m afraid Anonymous Doug’s going to end up like David Carradine or Michael Hutchence or that pastor who suffocated while hogtied, wearing two wetsuits, and having a dildo up his ass.  Then again, I’m not sure what is a fitting death for an anonymous man like Doug.

humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog

Every Precious Encouragement shot back at you all at once…

This has been your Precious Encouragement of the Week.  Encouraging you preciously until you can barely stand it.

Mikka wants to set the record straight about vikings…

We’re skipping Haiku Friday this week to provide the first-ever get well card/legal motion…

Dear Da Old Man of Crotchedy Old Man Yells At Cars,

It has come to our (belated) attention here at Renal Failure, via HumorBloggers.com, that you are in the hospital and are, by your accounts, “in renal failure.”

This admission represents a severe encroachment on our intellectual property and copyrights, as well as possible confusion in the market place that could cause irreparable harm to our brand.

By the authority of Brigid, the pagan goddess of fire, ice, and trademark law, we request that you immediately cease and desist being in renal failure.  May we suggest yelling at your kidneys to function properly.  Tag Larkin once saved a heart attack victim by hollering profanities at him, and possibly tasering him repeatedly.  That last part is still disputed.

Failure to comply with this cease and desist order will result in a more sternly-worded missive, and possibly a ninja visiting you in the night to switch your hospital charts with the pre-op transsexual down the hall.

Please do not die.  It will just drive your legal costs up because we retain the services of Avonia the Wiccan Pimp who can commune with the dead, thus allowing us to bring the recently departed to trial.

We await your full recovery so that you can stop defaming our good name.

humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog