This summer, I learned about how important it is to have a Christian-community for support, but I do not really have that, despite being heavily involved in several aspects of my church, including the youth bible quizzing program and the youth group. I do not really have people who I connect to or can simply talk to about my struggles. Nor do I have a mentor planted in the word.

So I find myself often going back and forth between a couple passages in the bible that talk about “good fruit”, trying to find an ‘escape hole’, so-to-speak, that would make living a Christian life easier and could help edify myself and my church and my youth group. It isn’t that I don’t want to live for God, it is that I am tired of having a mind set that after asking for forgiveness from God, within a short period of time, I will mess up again, as well as that I am longing to find some way in which I can fit in with my youth group; that if I can find a loop-hole, I would be able to partake with the youth free of conscience. But there isn’t, leaving me the church outsider. Maybe I am that one weird girl who just cannot fit in because she is too different. But whatever the supposed reason, it is really because I am not happy with my church and quite frankly fed up with my youth group.

And I get it! As Christians, we are the biggest examples of hypocrites and the definition of internal warfare, as I mentioned in a previous post, because we are literally fighting ourselves in regard to our earthly desires against our passion and desperate need to follow God. So I feel like the biggest hypocrite for pointing any of this out, but, generally speaking, no one cares to change. We enter into worship with God on Wednesday nights and then right after we exit the room, we curse with the same mouth. We exclude. We judge. We tend to be ignorant. But why? How does one look intently into the bible on a weekly basis and then reflect a life of a judgmental, ignorant, blasphemous, conceited people?

I have studied several books in the bible, and never have I ever read about us being told by God to be any of those attributes! On the contrary, we are COMMANDED BY HIM to be a loving, accepting, nonjudgmental, out-reaching, merciful, forgiving, welcoming, and fruit-bearing people.

So, where is the fruit?

In Galatians 5:22-23 it says that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It then goes on to say that against any of these things, there is NO law.

So then, where do we develop these attitudes?

Anytime I feel a bit of neglect towards a person, the Holy Spirit reminds me about hell, not threatening me, but helping me remember that if I do not display God’s love in my life, that if my life is not a mirror image of God’s grace and joy and love, then that person may never experience truly the majesty of being broken for God. No matter what a person may do to me, I would HATE for them to experience the torment that is hell, which is defined as being completely and utterly separated from God’s love.

But again, everyone makes mistakes. Is that enough? Will that be our answer to God when he asks us where is our fruit? Will we simply tell him, “Oh, well, everyone makes mistakes. We tried”? No. We would be scrambling around trying to find a shred of proof.

And we are warned in the gospels, as is written, “The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.” – Luke 3:9

We know that we need to produce good fruit. We know that faith without deeds is dead, as identified by the book of James. What in the world then is keeping us from doing that?

 See, a few weeks ago, I felt so unaccepted at my youth group that when the pastor asked me to join the group for bowling, I had just about broken down almost in tears. That was when I told him and another youth leader that I do not have friends at the youth group and did not want to be the awkward person there who no one will talk to. The person who doesn’t appear in any photos, despite there being hundreds of photos taken from the event. I went under the pastor giving me his word that at least him and this other youth leader were there for me…

That's the fruit. There it is. Some of you reading this have probably read my original post entitled "Where's the Fruit?" I have created this post because upon it being posted and reading it over, I realized that the point I am trying to get across may have become lost in some of the text. I wrote it not to point out the things that are not working in my church, because it is not mine to judge, but to tell you all that there are people like me in your churches... Members who don't feel accepted and are really and truthfully scared to seek help from the church and congregation and staff due to judgement, ridicule, being called a liar or an attention-seeker, and the gossip. I am not content just going through the motions, nor am I okay with hearing sexual connotation and jokes in church or feeling like I have to be put together and perfect. I have friends from school who have actually given up Christ because we, as a whole and individuals, claim to live our lives for God and then we walk out the doors and continue on with our indifferent lives.

I mean, no matter what the situation, I would never give up my relationship with God. He is too real for me to ever even imagine life without Him. I have such a strong faith in Him because of all that I have been through which He has carried me through. But not everyone has this. How can we, as Christians (claiming to be followers of Christ), let there be a possibility of us turning off nonbelievers who simply want to know this unconditional love we profess with our lips?

It is my CHRISTIAN friends who pressure me into drugs and sex and partying. It is my CHRISTIAN friends who judge me. It is the CHRISTIAN “rolemodels” who surround my mouth with swearing. If I try to share a struggle with a fellow CHRISTIAN, they chuckle at it, not taking it seriously, or they only say what they think they are supposed to say regarding it, mindlessly, not even caring.

However, it is my CHRISTIAN youth pastor who is constantly trying to ensure I feel wanted and know that I matter and it is one of my CHRISTIAN youth leaders who sits down with me for a couple hours just to hear how my life is going and to offer me support and it is my CHRISTIAN Bible quizzing coach who has gotten down into the dirt to help me up and who is constantly encouraging me through God's word. And that's where the fruit it.

“I tell you the truth, there is more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents then over a thousand righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

If that’s so true, why am I so defensive about making a mistake, messing up? Why do I go to church looking like my life is all put together when it is clearly not. We all struggle and each one of us is just as scared as the other to lay it all out there… What about when I bent down at the alter that first time? I was with some friends from youth church about five years ago and we went to the adult service, because the youth leaders were away on a planning-retreat, and they did an alter call. I was really scared to do it, to be quite honest… I mean, it wasn’t only about the youth, but also my parents seeing me do that and the rest of the congregation. So I just focused onto where I was going to lay it all down to Jesus. I remember staring at the one spot where I was going to kneel up at the front of the church, kind of thankful that I chose to sit right up front. Then, slowly, person by person made their way to the front. I just didn’t want people to think that I was constantly making mistakes nor that I was struggling with many things. I was even scared about how I was going to give it all up to God. My first time in public surrendering myself to God as a broken person.

Then I noticed a rose on the organ.

This past Sunday I was reminded about what a rose on the organ actually stands for. A rose on the organ is a public announcement to members of the congregation of a person who has, through one of the ministries offered at our church, come to know Christ Jesus as their Lord and Saviour.

I never really thought too much about it. It was just something where an announcement would be made and people would clap, but I mean, that was not something you would hear people talking about afterwards. Why? The bible tells us that there is such great rejoicing in heaven over one person who comes to know Christ as their personal Saviour and Lord.

Since it was new year’s day and the pastor who was preaching threw it out there as a challenge, I decided to make my focus resolution to putting a rose on the organ this year.

But what is the whole process really? I’m not a person of great wisdom… I’m just a kid. I am someone who has barley anything together who is constantly being ripped apart for her beliefs. Who am I to be a disciple? Sure, Christ calls us to go out into the world to disciple the nations and I have always wanted to be a missionary… But that’s overseas… Or at least, you know, away from school friends and non-Christian family members.

I know you may be thinking, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?! YOU ARE IN THE PERFECT POSITION TO DISCIPLE!!!

But I cannot treat it like that. I cannot simply preach to students at school. Here’s what I mean: No teenager wants someone throwing verses and such down their throats. You don’t go to school to hear bible readings. The best I have been able to do without offending anyone is offering to pray for someone when they tell me about something they are going through and struggling with. But it feels like there should be more done. I should be doing more. It isn’t enough anymore setting apart my morals from everyone else’s. No.

When you listen to these students go into their live’s trama and drama, it is obvious that us Christians have scarred them more than anything! I have too. It is something we have in common. But how do I use that connection to them to show them God’s love and explain to them the gospel? I have gone through so much and am still hanging on to the one thing that is holding on to me. Why have these others not? What is the difference?

Being again honest, I do not know. Sometimes it feels like there is no difference. Maybe it is just our mind frame. Maybe it truly does have to do with the verses I have learned. And if that’s it, how do I share those verses about perseverance and pure joy and being made complete and holy as you are constantly being rebroken for God to a group of people who have already let go or chosen their path? I learned those verses before my life had reached the breaking points.

Again, I have no idea as to what God has in store for me and what I was thinking making a commitment like that. I know that when you ask God to do something, He never fails to go beyond expectations and, though I am a bit scared and unsure as to how my life is going to look by 2013, I do not take it back. This year, I resolve to put a rose on the organ by letting God take full hold of my brokenness.

In a way, I wish I had an elaborate story about some life-changing event that led me to the undeniable realization of God’s existence. However, I don’t have a thrilling story like that to tell and I’m sure I have this in common with a lot of believers. But the only reason I would want to have an exciting story would be to make my testimony more easy to explain.

I feel that people make the mistake of trying to make God more appealing. As if He needed anyone’s help. God doesn’t make a big show out of things just to impress us humans. What does He need to impress us for? Do you think He gets some kind of fulfillment out of it? Do you think He needs us for anything? Who are we anyway? We wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Him. Do you think He created us so that He could spend the rest of His time giving us every little thing we ask for and keeping us happy? I really think it’s selfish to think that just because things start to go badly in our lives, that means God isn’t doing His job. He owes us nothing. Period. Yes, God blesses us with everything, but not because He has to provide for us. He just does. He loves us for some reason. We definitely don’t deserve it and there’s nothing we ever could do to deserve it, but He does!

God works in big ways, but He also works in simple ways. So to put it simply, I believe in God because I always have. It’s just a part of who I am. I can’t separate myself from a belief in God because I wouldn’t be myself without God. God defines me. He defines what I do and don’t do and my life wouldn’t make any sense without Him. I’m not perfect and never will be, but I’m trying to make Him proud of me. God gave me my parents in order to teach me to come to this conclusion. Children are gifts from God. He intends for parents to take this wonderful creation that He has given them, this perfect and sinless creation, and keep the child that way. A parent is suppose to raise a child so that he or she doesn’t grow and end up lost because of this evil world. A child isn’t suppose to be a burden. A child isn’t suppose to be a long-term problem. A child is suppose to make his or her parents happy. A parent should never regret having children.

Therefore, we are all gifts from God. Even as I was growing up and going to church because that’s where my parents took me, I didn’t complain. Even when I wasn’t at the age where I was trying to comprehend the depth of God’s word fully, He was a part of my life. I never questioned His existence and I was taught to not listen to those who did. I was taught this because I belong to God. God gave me to my parents so they could raise me while they’re on this earth. Christianity is, after all, a taught religion. People had to tell me of the God who created me, of the God who will judge me, of the God who loves me. People had to tell me how to please Him. Once I was taught these things, I was able to recognize what was in my heart all along. I learned to recognize Who was in control. And in the mean time, as I was being taught, God didn’t allow my heart to wander from Him. He never let me feel comfortable with the idea of not going church. Especially since God states in the Bible for us not to forsake the assembly. He wants us to worship with other believers. He never let me feel that my parents were wasting my time. But the time came when my parents didn’t make me go to church or read His word or want to follow Him. They didn’t have to make me do those things anymore. There is no way that I’ll do anything other than those things. I do those things because I know it’s right. I know there isn’t anything better for me to do.

Life is so pointless without God. What would we have to live for? Is it really fulfilling to grow up, go to school, work hard, retire, get sick, and die? Why do anything if we knew we were just going to die? What would we do when we were scared or going through a rough time if we didn’t have God for comfort? There are so many scary things in this world. There’s war, severe weather, sickness, pain, murder, theft… The list goes on. I personally would feel so overwhelmingly afraid by what could happen, I would find it hard to have any desire to go on if I didn’t have God’s promise and comfort. I believe in God because He is there. I have always known that and always will. And there is absolutely no way that I can ever be convinced to believe otherwise.  God doesn’t need us, but He wants to use us. He made these wonderful works for us ahead of time and  all we have to do is jump in on His plan and enjoy the ride! I’m not saying things will always be fun and easy, but hey, what else do you really have to do? What could be better?

I am a full-soul stereotypical Christian.

Do ye not see?

Followeth all of the rules,

Perfecteth little me!

I am a full-soul stereotypical Christian

Who deserves such praise

For my work at rebuking

My friends’ evil ways.

And as a full-soul stereotypical Christian

I will not holdeth anything against you.

Well, as long as you are not a Muslim,

A Buddhist, or a Jew.

Because us full-soul stereotypical Christians

Have reputations you see-eth

To remaineth “diamond pure”

I our “top priority”-eth.

And as a full-soul stereotypical Christian

It is clear that I am always glee-

Ful of joy I wear a smile.

Sorrow’s not a possibility.

Since I am a full-soul stereotypical Christian,

My friends keepeth things from me,

Worried by what I might sayeth

And the judgement there might be.

Now as a full-soul stereotypical Christian,

I sing hymns obviously!

I do not careth for pop, rock, or jazz.

But now, listen to my plee.

If I am such a full-soul stereotypical Christian

Why do I like pop?

Why is my best friend Jewish?

I am I not always top?

Yes, I am a full-soul type of Christian,

But judgmental? Not really!

Nor racist, nor perfect,

Nor am I always happy.

Believe I am a full-soul type of Christian

By my actions, words, and deeds

But not by the stereotypes

That categorize me.

I was baptised at birth, and welcomed warmly into the house of God. I attended church every Sunday and sang my praises to him week in and week out. I went to a catholic school, said grace before my meals, prayed for loved ones before bed, and got actively involved in the church community. My childhood was very spiritual.
As I grew older, I began to ask questions; questions like “If God created everything, what created him?” to which people would say things along the lines of “God was just there”. When I asked “if God is all powerful ad he can do ANYTHING without so much as a lift of a finger, or a blink of an eye, why is it that it took him 6 days to create the heavens and the earth?” I think I’d be more inclined to have faith in a god who is capable of a creation of Divine proportions instantaneously. If God hates sin, but loves forgiveness even more, then why is it that he won’t forgive those who do not accept him as their saviour? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I assume that according to Christianity, Gandhi- given that he was a Hindu- did not make it in to heaven as he did not accept Jesus as his lord, and savior. Meanwhile, there are murders, and rapists out there who can go through their lives terrorizing others, and then in theory ask God for forgiveness, and as long as they are genuine, they live in eternal bliss. This seems beyond strange to me.
These questions that nobody I speak to seem to have answers for weren’t even the hardest thing for me to grasp in the Christian faith. The biggest thing for me is that according to my church ministers, in order to accept God, and be a truly devout Christian, I must “worship” God. I looked up the definition of worship: “To love unquestioningly, and uncritically”. This means that in order to be a true follower of the lord, I must love God unquestioningly, and uncritically day in and day out.
You may ask “What’s wrong with that? God’s a swell guy, I can’t imagine ever questioning my love for him. Just look at what he’s provided for us.” You’re right, God has done a lot for humanity- namely creating us, and giving us free-will etc. The problem that I face is that we are all human, and nobody on the face of the earth can prove with certainty that God exists. So even those who are “filled with the spirit of the lord” should from time to time question whether or not God is even up there. The idea of God is one of great beauty, and the idea of eternal life, is one that’s undeniably appealing; but if you ask me, the idea of claiming to KNOW that God is up there, and never EVER questioning that is awfully arrogant. Furthermore, one cannot love a non-existant entity. That said, unless you NEVER question the existence of God, you cannot love him unquestioningly, and uncritically, therefore, the only true followers of God would have to be arrogant enough to believe there isn’t the slightest possibility that they may have the story of creation that they’re basing on a book that’s been translated countless times over the years just a little bit wrong. Gandhi was a pretty amazing individual, who’s to say that the Hindus aren’t right? Or the Jews? Or Muslims? Or even the Atheists for that matter? This is why since then, I’ve gone the agnostic route, I am not claiming that I know about my origin any more than anybody else on the planet, and as far as I can tell, this should be a unanimous decision worldwide.
I don’t mean to insult Christianity. The truth is, I miss Christianity, that’s why I’m here taking my time to type this up. I don’t mean to offend or insult anybody on this site. I’m just looking for answers and rationalities behind being a Christian. any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Prayer has recently become a “hot topic” for me since the beginning of the summer. I am just so fascinated by exactly what prayer is and the direct result of sincere prayer.

Over the summer I began to fall in love with prayer and I could see it actually make a difference in my life! I found that my internal attitude became more sincere to myself and God and that I just couldn’t ever get enough of it! When my friends and I sat down to eat a meal together, we would tend to have one person pray for the meal, though we did also do more of a popcorn prayer style sometimes, and almost every time that I would pray for the meal, it would take me almost as long to pray for the food as it would to eat it. It was that I would pray for one thing and then another thing I want to pray about would appear in my mind, so obviously I would pray for it as well. It is this so complete and comforted feeling and I could just never thank God enough and I always found new passions for requests. God gave me this fire to pray. Each day I would start off with prayer and, no matter how long or short, I would always request God to give me a servant’s heart.

It was really quite funny because even after I got home… Even to this day, when I am about to pray for a group of people at dinner or at an event they joke and ask me if I can keep it under a half hour… Even now when I am partaking in a popcorn prayer, I am constantly asked to open but never to close because I find it so hard to… It is that I don’t want to stop there and that my ‘amen’ is this reoccurring phrase in my head just thanking and blessing God for more and more things.

But the best part of my prayer experience this summer was when my Frontline Kaizan (which means constant improvement) meeting occurred one Friday afternoon at 2 and we spent the entire hour or two talking about the different aspects of prayer. This is what I want to share with you now.

Firstly, we were asked what prayer was? What WAS prayer intended for? I believe that prayer is meant to serve as communion between us and with God. And the key phrasing there is union. Prayer is meant to be us uniting with God. But it isn’t a one-way thing. It is a two-way communion. So by that definition, we see that we are to:

1) talk to God

2)listen to God and then

3) be silent before God

When many people think of prayer, they think of The Lord’s Prayer. I find it quite ridiculous to think that some people just memorize and recite this at the Sunday service. Yes, the Lord’s prayer is a perfect example of how to pray… But that’s just it. Jesus wants it to serve as our reference tool. He doesn’t want you to literally recite this if it isn’t what your heart needs. It is an outline as to how to pray. It relates to when in Paul is talking to the church of Corinth and he shares about how if he prays for the church in tongues, though he himself will be blessed, the church will not be blessed by saying amen if they do not have an interpreter that they might know what is being prayed. This is a direct parallel to the Lord’s prayer and simply reciting it. If you do not understand exactly what it is the Lord’s prayer is saying, it will be of no value to you and you will not be edified.

So I am going to break it down for you.

The Lord’s prayer outlines three areas in which to pray:

1) Praise: blessing God for who He is and thanking Him for all he has done and continues to do; that we are able to pray directly to Him concerning any matters and that we have been given the freedom and joy of praying without ceasing (as seen is 1 Thessalonians 5:17).

2) Petitions and Requests: laying down our burdens before the cross and bringing all of our needs to God’s attention; here we are also calling on God to answer the promises He has given us and the hope to which we cling that we might boast in Him; we are also requesting God that all things might be done that His majesty might be revealed.

3) Solicitation: praying for matters, not concerning ourselves, as God leads us.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.

… In this first part of the prayer, Jesus is telling us to recognize who God is and bless Him. This opening of the prayer also reminds us that God is our heavenly father.

…The very first two words mentioned by Jesus in the Lord’s prayer are “Our Father”. This first part is so exciting as it displays the close relationship God desperately desires to share with us. Since Jesus came to rebuild the bridge between us and God, so-to-speak, we see in this passage that God wants us to  approach Him with confidence and trust, with a childlike faith.

…Also, by declaring that His name be “hallowed” we are sending off a plea to God that we might be continually made more holy. We, right off the bat, are professing that we are sinners, unworthy to have His attention.

Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.

…Here, we are taught that a sincere prayer is asking God’s will to take presidency in our lives. Going back to the definition of prayer, prayer is the communion of us and God. This means that we are uniting with God and His will and desire and love and all that He is, as His intentions are pure and perfect, and He always has our best interest in mind. It is the surrendering of ourselves and our will to God, admitting that His plans are greater and better than we could ever imagine. It is asking Him to align your heart’s desires with His… We see then that it is important for this part of our prayers to come in the beginning so that when we pray, our prayers will be sincere and that when we pray we might be doing so out of love and reverent submission to God.

Give us this day our daily bread.

… This is a pretty self-explanatory line. This is the time in our prayer when we are being asked to lay down all of the burdens in our hearts. Everything that we have been struggling with we lift up to Him and ask Him to provide for us and all of our needs. We are calling on God’s promises in the old testament that He will care for us as it says in Philippians 4:19, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” And again we see in Matthew 6:31-32, “Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.” And yet again we read in James 1:6 “If anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” Which then verifies Matthew’s recording of Jesus, assuring those who love God, “If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”

…This section of the Lord’s prayer also refers to our hearts yearning for a taste of the heavenly banquet yet to come. It is us requesting God to bless us in the things we do and the harvest we reap.

And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.

… I would like to focus on the second line here. You see, if the Lord’s prayer only included the top line, “And forgive us our trespasses,” we could assume that it is just us again calling on another promise given us by God… But we see here by the inclusion of the second line that there is one mandated requirement here… That we forgive our brothers and sisters. In the first line, we are calling upon God to let us receive our long awaited promise come true, but we must uphold to our end of the bargain. After all, if we can’t forgive someone for hurting us in any which way they can, how can expect Christ to forgive us our sins, which he HIMSELF paid for by suffering a humiliating and tormenting, innocent death? It again goes back to Jesus’s parable about the unforgiving servant as seen in Matthew 18:23-35.

.                                            ”Therefore the Kingdom of Heaven is like a certain king, who wanted to reconcile accounts with his servants.  When he had begun to reconcile, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.  But because he couldn’t pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, with his wife, his children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.  The servant therefore fell down and kneeled before him, saying, ‘Lord, have patience with me, and I will repay you all!’  The lord of that servant, being moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.  “But that servant went out, and found one of his fellow servants, who owed him one hundred denarii, and he grabbed him, and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’  “So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will repay you!’  He would not, but went and cast him into prison, until he should pay back that which was due.  So when his fellow servants saw what was done, they were exceedingly sorry, and came and told to their lord all that was done.  Then his lord called him in, and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt, because you begged me.  Shouldn’t you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?’   His lord was angry, and delivered him to the tormentors, until he should pay all that was due to him.  So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don’t each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds.”
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.

…This sixth petition is our acknowledgement that we cannot stand against temptation alone; that without God, we will fall undoubtedly. So here we are calling on God to strengthen us without ceasing as our enemies (that are our sinful nature, the devil, and things of this world) are attacking us full might without ceasing. It is furthermore the acknowledgement that though we cannot stand alone, we can face all things and overcome all obstacles through strength given us by God.

…For we know without a doubt that God wants us to succeed, as shown in the writings of Jeremiah chapter 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
…What is more, we are assured in James chapter one that God does not tempt us to sin… That temptation comes from our earthly sinful desires. It reiterates that temptation is not sin; it is the prompt enticement to sin. We are promised there that if we rely on God during times of trials and temptation, we will be able to resist and then develop perseverance so that we might continually be made more holy… Wait, isn’t that the matter of which I shared at the beginning of the Lord’s prayer? That we are begging God to continually make us more holy? So we see that they go hand-in-hand and that as we call on God to strengthen us in times of trial and pain, He will make us holy through perseverance.

For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

…And in this final portion, we are affirming our faith and restating that everything will somehow be used to reveal God’s glory and majesty; that we want everything we do to be an echo of this profession. Another great passage that has a bit more detail of this affirmation ending is 1 Chronicles 29:11                 .                                    ” Thine, O Lord, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty; for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all.”

…And with the “Amen”, we are declaring that we understand and agree with all that was just prayed, hence how important it is to understand these aspects of the Lord’s prayer.

Prayer used to be such an important part of my life… Not the format or anything, but the communion… Having time to freely speak with God and show Him that you want Him to know you.  As I would walk to and fro school, I would find myself in constant conversation with Him, seeking His guidance and wisdom amongst and a midst all of my struggles. I didn’t realize how much less often I prayed when I got into high school and bused my way around the city to school and back again… My half hour walking commute had become my prayer time and I lost that and did not realize that I needed to set aside a separate time of the day when I can commit to it being solely me and God in chat with each other…. I really do praise God for this past summer as it has shown me what I have been missing and has grown my prayer life which has, in turn, grown every other spiritual aspect of me and my relationships with not only Him, but with both believers and nonbelievers… Friends, don’t lose time for God… Just try sincerely praying… It may feel a bit awkward at first but I assure you, as does the bible, that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you and you will develop this fiery passion for Him and His word and to know Him and live like Him.

Blessings.

Bullying.

With a topic selection like this, I find myself drowning in my thoughts. Where do I even begin?

I guess I will simply start from the top.

My first main encounter of being bullied, as far as I can remember, is in grade four. That’s when it started. My family lived in an apartment building back then and we had some new friends move in. They were the two boys of the new superintendent. I have always been known as more of a social type of girl so it should be no surprise that I immediately put myself out there to make friends with them. The cool part about living in a building is that everyone is friends with everyone. We were all pretty close in age…. Like four years older than me to four or five years younger. The younger of the two brothers was in grade five and the other in grade six so they were pretty close to my age. Anyways, as the story goes, I made friends with them and so did everyone else. I remember that they had these cool, tiny, blue tricycles they would show off by riding…. Doing tricks and all.

They fit in perfectly.

It was after they had become well acquainted with the community and school students that things began to reverse for me. They became my first bullies. Now, it was kind of an awkward situation, so-to-speak, because they were boys and I was a girl. Boys tend to be involved with physical bullying and girls with verbal/cyber. So it just meant that I got the best of both worlds. They would drag me up onto the field to beat me up and everyone would just crowd around. People would try to take sides as to who they thought would win, but no one would ever intervene. I remember that year as being the year I began swearing. I mean, all I could ever do was swear back and fight back. I can recall this one time when they had brought me to my knees and I was sticking up both of my middle fingers at him, not giving up my ground, and he was trying to break them. The one thing bullies hate more than a “tattle-tale” is a fighter…

I am most definitely not proud of my fighting back strategies… But unlike in the movies where the child would tell their mom or dad, these two boys had power over me, literally…. They were the sons of the building’s superintendent…. They had threatened to have my family kicked out of the building if I told. So, being a naive fourth grader, I believed that they had this power, I hadn’t yet learned the meaning of an empty threat. And you would think that they would have been very cautious about the location of them beating me up, but they did it at home, in the backyard, right in front of my balcony. The last time they tried to hurt me I believe was the incident of them chasing me around with metal and wooden baseball bats. My friend from the building banged on my balcony to get my mom’s attention and she came out and said that if they were to harm me any more, she would not hesitate in calling the cops.

Finally, I was free from it….

But little did I know that I would so desperately be yearning for those days of their torment over what life held in store for me following it. Yes, that is when the verbal bullying really took a presence in my life. I lost all of my friends. The names just would not stop.

And now it is grade six. The bullying created this big hole in my heart. Fortunately for me, grade six was also the year I began bible quizzing. Bible quizzing is this program where teams of youth from grades five to twelve (often representing individual churches) compete and quiz over knowledge of a predetermined section of the Bible. That year we were studying James and Romans. The very second verse I had memorized, right at the beginning of James, became the single most important piece of knowledge I had ever attained on how to handle any situation.

“Consider is pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”                                                              -James 1:2-4 (NIV)

Though the above passage helped me understand that these trials I’m facing right now will only grow my faith if I trust in God, I had no idea as to how useful it would be. It became my life phrase as I experienced many more trials. Through all of the threats, the cyber bullying, the gossip… I was now equipped with the knowledge that God’s glory will be revealed through these things. I didn’t know how. I just knew that it would.

However, it didn’t mean that I had fully understood how to experience such a joy during said times…. I went through internal depression and thoughts of suicide, and even to the point where I would try to attempt it and just not be able to follow through. (Thank God!) I remember thinking, only a few moments of pain and then it would be over. I would almost wish to have run away from home, in hopes that, when I returned, they would see how miserable it made me and that they would change.

I never did run away.

Maybe it was because I did not have the guts. Maybe I just really did not want the attention or for my family to think that I didn’t love them. Maybe it was because I was starting to see things differently. It’s like, I can tell when someone is going through something. Many people began coming to me for advice on every which situation, and still do. I finally began to see that a midst all of my struggles, God’s glory could not be shadowed or dimmed; that the darker it got, the brighter He shone. He even gave me the courage to share my testimony of what bullying has done in not only my life, but in the lives of others. And how that if each person took a stand, the world would become a greater world of love.

I can’t say that I fully know or will ever know the extent of how God is going to use me and these experiences in which He revealed himself and His majesty to me…. However, He has given me this strong gift of empathy and a new type of site to seeing when someone needs Him. He has helped me to get deep into the lives of others around me and is using my music to reach a new generation. All of this. To think, such a simple verse could speak such a truth of God’s love for me into my life that I might be able to share it with others.

Though there will always be trials of bullying, no matter how rare or minor or major, I know without a doubt that NOTHING will separate me from this truth.

I have been getting it wrong since the beginning.

Haven’t I?

I mean, that’s why Christ came.

Isn’t it?

Then why is the cross the last place I want to go?

I need to be broken.

I need to be renewed.

I need to be saved.

But being told I’m at fault is not my type of parade.

I won’t listen to it no more!

I mean, all He’s doing is

Undermining my intentions.

I did not intend to steal from there.

I did not intend to hurt her.

I did not intend to live these lies.

I did not intend to end up like this:

So selfish living blindly in a mess,

Not thinking I’m broken, but that I can rescue myself.

So then why must I be broken?

What about all the good things I’ve done?

Can we not just meditate on those?

Why must I be brought back down?

I mean, I’ve paid for my crimes.

I’ve done the time I deserved.

I faced the trials, the disgrace.

But that isn’t good enough?

Who are you to decide?

To judge?

Who put you in charge?

Why don’t you come down and just see how hard

It is to live the way we ought.

Yet…                                                                                                                                                            Hebrews 2:14-18

We see you suffered.

But you remained.

You were tempted and tired.

But you saw there was much more to be

Gained in giving Your all

I must be brought back;

Brought to be broken,

Down on my face,

Before the cross,

Where the greatest symbol of death

Is the greatest symbol of life

It drives out fear.

It encourages.

It overflows as a bubbly joy.

That I walk out boldly.

“The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”

-Manning, Brennan

Every time I hear this quote in a song or read it somewhere, I get the shivers. I mean, we truthfully are the epitome of hypocrisy, myself included. And it isn’t necessarily that we are trying to be… It is just that we aren’t trying hard enough not to be. Christian is the definition of internal warfare. We were born in this world, but upon having accepted Christ, we are commanded to not be of this world. To live in a familiar place but have to leave all familiar aspects of our life behind? How could we be asked to do such a thing? Well, the simple answer is that we ourselves are the ones choosing to leave these things behind because we believed at one point in time that it was worth it. Is it really worth it? Well, I for one think it is!

But what is more, not only does the world hate us being so lukewarm, God does also. He says in revelations that if we are lukewarm, He will just spit us out. He says lukewarm not to be an adjective or an adverb… He says it as a noun. It is a title. It doesn’t merely describe a person. It is the entirety of who that person is and what they believe and what they do.

So then, how can we make a complete u-turn from being to being different?

The old youth pastor from my church told us a few times about this girl he grew up with in school who was just so filled with the Holy Spirit that you could tell just by looking at her… Not that she necessarily had something different about her physical appearance, other than dressing more modestly I presume… But her life was just one that echoed God’s love. Everything she touched, everything she did, everything she said was out of her love for Christ. Now, I am guessing she had a few stumbling blocks along the way because none of us are perfect, but I find myself coming back to the thought of her and the thought of God’s love. What would God’s love look like? What would His love feel like? What would it say?

Going back to 1 Chorinthians 13, God’s love is described as being patient, humble, kind, non-judgement, envy-less, selfless, polite, meek, merciful, gentle, always delighting in the truth (no matter what it may be), always protects, always hopes, always perseveres… And that love NEVER fails.

That last point is particularly interesting to me because if love NEVER fails, then we could not ever possibly be lukewarm if we grasp and cling to this love. If we are full of this love, of God’s love, then it should be overflowing in our lives and God tells us in the bible that it will be so desirable and a person won’t be able to resist such a love.

How then do we attain such a love?

Well for starters we can pray and dig deeper into God’s word. We can ask him to show us how to love. I would think that it is so hard to love someone, but just by smiling at them I realize that it isn’t… I mean, where do all of these feelings of hate or despise come from? Certainly not God! Which means that I don’t want any part of it!

I remember when I was younger how adults would tell you that it takes more muscles to frown then to smile and the same goes for all of your actions. I find it a whole lot easier offering my seat on the bus to someone who needs it or would like one rather than awkwardly sitting there, having that feeling in my stomach and feel terrible about it for the whole day. I also find that it’s easier not being apart of the gossip then helping spread it. If you don’t let anything bad be said, then there is a whole lot less drama and you will have a clean conscience over those matters. Not to mention that you then won’t allow someone else’s fight conflict your opinion concerning a person. I believe that it is wrong for your opinion of something someone has done to you affect someone else’s view on that person, despite me falling short of this several times.

Again, we are going to screw up and fall. But an easy way to change all of that is by spending time in prayer and digging deep into the bible. Smile at everyone…. People are passing you by from every which direction in each of their own situations and circumstances and you may have just opened this window for them to feel just a bit of God’s irresistible love in their life! Finally, get an accountability partner… It may be extremely hard to find…. But the best things are the hardest… Have someone actually keep you accountable for things you stumble upon, for example swearing or lying or stealing…. etc.

If you try to just make this instant u-turn, you won’t know how to start. However, if we turn our mind-set from thinking of a habit to being a lifestyle or attitude of this joy, we can improve and grow closer to others and God. It is not something worth trying to quantify all of the data for. It is simply this change in our life that causes us to be set apart from the rest of the world and how they’re living. I mean, why would we not want to be always happy and full of joy and love? It is easier than dieting or exercising or going to the dentist… It is such an attractive thing and always we must do is yearn for God to have His way in us? If we really love God and are drawing closer to Him, then these sacrifices that we are making now will no longer be sacrifices… We will no longer desire for what the world has to offer and we will become familiar with a new self.

If you really want the perfect definition of faith, here it is:

The world defines faith as belief that is not based in proof, which is true… But faith is more than just that. If you look in the bible at Hebrews 11:1, you see that faith is defined as “being sure in what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” So we see that faith has two parts: knowing what our hope is and having assured belief in what is not in plain sight.

I personally think that the first part is what the world can’t comprehend… Hence it only including the second part for a definition… I feel like so many times we think, oh yeah, I have faith in God, I know he exsists, I know that Jesus is my Lord and Saviour… But, personally, I feel like we forget about the promises we were given by God. I mean, when we describe faith to a non-believer we say the same thing, I believe that Jesus Christ died for sins and that, because He was found without fault, defeated death and now reigns forever in heaven. AND THAT’S A GOOD START… BUT IT IS ONLY HALF OF THE STORY.

WHAT IS OUR HOPE? WHAT ARE WE COUNTING ON? WHAT ARE WE EXPECTING GOD TO DO ACCORDING TO HIS PROMISES? WHAT MAKES A FAITH THAT CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS? For surely your faith isn’t unmotivated. I mean, if Christ just came down here to show how great and amazing He is by dying and coming back to life, why would people sacrifice their own will and lives for Him? Just like any good story, their’s a hook… From the beginning of time, we are being shown God’s love and mercy. And knowing that Jesus is our Lord and Saviour also comes with a gift. A gift of God’s mercy and knowing His love. IT IS HAVING THIS HOPE FOR WHICH WE CAN FREELY BOAST. It is wisdom and pure joy. It is friendship and community. It is freedom from bondage. It is something that no one can ever attain by themselves. It is a comfort greater than anything imaginable!

And THAT is my view on faith.