Lessons Over the Leaf Blower

It’s eleven o’clock Thursday morning here in Melbourne and I’ve just spent the last hour talking with the guy who built and maintains my garden (see left). His name is Joe and he’s not only a champion landscaper and garden designer but he’s also a champion bloke. Every time he comes over to give my garden a little love, we somehow navigate our way into some kind of deep and meaningful (very un-manly) conversation. Lots of talking, very little gardening. There we find ourselves standing next to the bamboo: the two alpha-males (one, married with three kids) talking about dreams, emotions, relationships, destiny, feelings, philosophy and happiness. Not a single mention of cars, politics, getting drunk, MMA (mixed martial arts), girls or sport.

Shameful, I know.

Joe’s Story

Well, that’s not entirely true. You see, today Joe shared some of his story with me. His sporting story. I discovered that he was a very good Australian rules footballer. He played in the Victorian Football League and won the Liston Medal - the award for the competition’s best and fairest player (or MVP). Sadly, a traffic accident brought his career to an abrupt halt (even though he was heading towards the finish line and was in his early thirties). This morning, Joe shared with me that, even ten years after his sporting career was brought to a premature and unplanned end, he still feels a degree of loss, frustration and a sense of unfinished business.

Unfinished business?

‘But Joe, you’re in your forties,’ I thought to myself. No, I didn’t say it. I just listened.

As he spoke about his playing days, I could sense the joy, excitement and emotion is his voice. The more we chatted about the game he loves, the more he came to life. I could literally feel a change in his energy.

Here’s a snapshot of our conversation:

C: “So what would you like to do, Joe?”
J: “About what?”
C: “Your unfinished football career.”
J: “Oh, I don’t know.”
C: “Yes you do.”
J: “Well, I guess l’d like to play one more season.”

At this point in time, I should mention that years of landscape gardening and a major incident with a bus haven’t left Joe’s forty-three year-old body in optimal working order. Not for full-contact sport anyway. Let’s just say there’s a little work to do. Okay, a lot.

C: “So, what’s the plan Joe?”
J: “Oh, I dunno. Maybe I’ll do some jogging and see how I pull up.”
C: “Really?”
J: “Yep, I got some new runners for Father’s Day, so I thought I might plod a few laps of the oval.”
C: “What’s the story behind your unfinished business?”
J: “Well, I guess I’d like the opportunity to hang up the boots when I choose rather than having the decision made for me.”
C: “And?”

He pauses and thinks for a moment.

J: “Well, my dad – who is in his eighties – used to absolutely love watching me play. I’d like to play a few more games just for him.”

At this stage, the all-conquering-alpha-male-warrior (me), is biting his bottom lip and holding back the tears. Pathetic. Talking about playing footy again in front of his father is an emotional experience for Joe too. Even though re-commencing a football career at forty-three is not a particularly logical, practical or medically-sound thing to do, the moment tells me that what’s sensible and what’s right aren’t always the same.

C: “And what about your son; he never got to see you play. Would you like that opportunity?”
J: “Yep, I’d love that.”

His six year-old son is football crazy and is already displaying some amazing talent, skill and co-ordination.

C: “Well, I happen to own a gym and I know a little about training athletes so maybe between us we can come up with a better strategy than going for a jog.”
J: “Really?”
C: “Yep.”

So, as irrational, unlikely and unreasonable as his idea might (or might not) be, Joe is meeting me at five o’clock next Monday night at the gym for his first physical assessment (fitness, strength and flexibility testing) and to commence his preparation for the 2011 season under my watchful eye. Of course, he will be playing in a different league and at a very different level but he will be playing. At least once!

I’ll make sure of it. 

In a world that tells us what we should and shouldn’t do, what we can and can’t achieve and what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour (at our age), I’m happy to be a part of Joe’s irrational, unlikely and unreasonable plan.

Perhaps it’s time for you to be unreasonable?

* Feel free to share one of your unreasonable plans or dreams with us. Or, maybe a related story or thought. Also, Don’t forget, I will be in Sydney in nine days (September 19) to run my one-day Renovate Your Life Workshop. I hope to see you there.

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Hi Guys. CJ here. Long time no chat. I’ve missed you a little but I’m only human so I guess that’s to be expected.

Coming! Ready or Not!

Years ago (like, many years ago), I played hide and seek with my little sister. She calmly sat on the sofa and closed her eyes. Which wouldn’t have been a problem except that she was supposed to be the one hiding. In her mind, if she couldn’t see something (in this case her bemused big sister), it didn’t exist. A cunning plan but, clearly, a little flawed.

Be Afraid, Very Afraid

Back in May 2009, I attended Craig’s first Renovate Your Life program at Anglesea, Victoria.  On the second night, one of his crew brought in a little machine. To me, it looked a bit like one of those dooby-whackies that they use to test electrical appliances: a small plastic box with an electronic display, some buttons and a couple of thin cords hanging off it.

It was only when Craig explained what the device could tell us that my heartrate began to increase. Nervous beads of sweat broke out on my forehead and I instantly became aware of a feeling of anxiety. And I don’t think I was the only person in the room who was experiencing such a dramatic reaction, just quietly.

You see, the innocuous-looking machine was a Bio Impedance Body Composition Analysis thingamajig. That is, it could measure (amongst other things) exactly how much of one’s body is made of fat, how much is made of muscle and, therefore, calculate one’s body-fat percentage.

Like, exactly. No ‘Oh, you have big bones’. No ‘You look fine, you carry it well’. No ‘Geez, they’re making the clothes smaller nowadays’. Nope. Just cold, hard, indisputable facts. Shit.

You Can’t Handle the Truth

As I reluctantly but curiously volunteered for the (optional) body-composition analysis (aka reality check), it struck me that I’d never been a big fan of facts. They’re so, well, factual. Objective. Unemotional.Terrifying.  I’m more of a subjective ‘grey area’ kinda girl. Some might say deluded. I like to call it optimistic. Unfortunately, I had optimisticated my way to a very large arse.

“Please don’t drag me out of my comfortable delusion. It’s so warm (and high-calorie) in here.”

So, before I could say ‘Does that machine make my bum look big?’, I was lying on my back with two small electrodes stuck on my foot and another two stuck on the back of my hand. It felt a little like being in an electric chair. Only slightly less relaxing. (Although I can’t be sure because the customer feedback on the whole electric chair experience is, understandably, somewhat limited.)

Sometimes, the cold, hard truth sneaks up on us gradually. Sometimes, we have to discover it through a long journey of self-discovery. And, sometimes, it is handed to us on a sheet of A4 paper with the heading ‘Body Composition Assessment’.

That’s a Great Result – For a Polar Bear

So, there it was. In black and white. My body-fat percentage. I discovered that my alleged voluptuousness and curves were, in fact, fat and rolls. Reality is a heartless bitch.

I stood there gaping like a goldfish. My brain tried to form some justifications, rationalisations and explanations but they all seemed to evaporate in the light of the facts – they tumbled from my mouth incomplete and unconvincing: “I didn’t think … surely it can’t … but I thought … I’ve been so busy … it just kinda crept on … “

As I looked around the room through teary, prickly eyes, I could see that at least two or three others were wearing the same ‘I’ve just been kicked in the nuts by the Reality Fairy’ expression. There were a few hugs. Some tears. Some sniffly resolutions that this was the lowest point – that it would be onwards and upwards from here.

Closed for Stocktake

Five months later, I had the test repeated so I could determine exactly how my new behaviour (and new attitude) was reflected in my body. I knew that I was smaller and I felt better but it was so rewarding to (again) have the figures in black and white in front of me. My body-fat percentage had, thankfully, decreased into the realm of normal and healthy (for a human).  A few weeks ago, just before the MBE program, I undertook the test again and I was happy with the results.

The whole experience taught me the value of collecting base-line data when we embark on any kind of change journey. With our bodies, it can be as sophisticated as having a Body Composition Test conducted or as simple as (bravely) breaking out the tape measure. Or, it might involve taking some front, side and back photos in the buff. Want a reality check? Nude pics will do it.

Of course, numbers on a page only have the meaning (and power and impact) that we allow them to have but they do provide us with a level of perspective and objectivity that’s hard to find when it comes to such a sensitive and emotive area of our existence (that is, how we ‘see’ and ‘feel about’ our body).

Perhaps the first step to improving our financial situation (for example) would be to unemotionally and accurately take a snapshot of where we are currently. Maybe if our goal is to improve our relationships, we could write a summary of those relationships and (as objectively as possible) assess their strengths and weakness. And then hide it really well.

Remember, you can take stock at any time. It doesn’t have to be a Monday, your birthday or the start of the financial year. The sooner you do it, the sooner you will be able to look back and see the changes. As John Mayer says:

“… I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me”
“So I can say this is the way that I used to be”

No More Ostrich

On occasions, we  (um, that would be me) ignore things in the hope that they will just go away. Or fix themselves. We feel that if we don’t recognise them, measure them or face them, then they don’t exist. We are afraid that if we find out the facts about our situation, we will be forced to do something about it. And, often, it’s the doing part that scares the pants off us.

Perhaps, though, we just need to be brave, bite the bullet and face the facts. Then, if we feel we need to, change those facts. Afterall, as some business-type-much-smarter-than-me-person once said:

You can’t manage what you don’t measure.

So …

Do you agree that it’s necessary to measure an aspect of us (whatever that might be) in order to change it? How has this worked for you in the past (or not)?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

CJ xox

P.S. Johnny asked me to announce the winner of the health/fitness coaching session with Craig (re last Wednesday’s post). So… congratulations to ‘Koffeeekate’. If you can email Johnny, he will hook you and the big fella up. So to speak.

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Getting the Job Done

If you’re like the majority of us, then over the course of your lifetime you’ve started a crap-load of things that you’ve never finished. Or maintained. As I’ve said many times before on this site, most of us are world-champion starters and world-worst completers. At times, anyway. Words, intentions and plans don’t create lasting change; consistent action does and the truth is that many of us simply don’t finish what we start.

An accountability system is something which keeps you and me doing the stuff we need to do, to create the results we want to create (in our world), even when we can’t really be bothered (doing the aforementioned stuff). If I’m getting too technical at any stage, let me know and I’ll back it off a little.

Dear Diary

Your accountability system could come in the form of a diary. It might be some kind of weekly assessment. It could be regular appointments with a trainer, doctor, dietician, teacher, coach, mentor or a designated person that you call your accountability partner. It could be a written report which is submitted on a regular basis.  It might be a daily phone call. It could be an AA meeting. Or a to-do list. It might be a public declaration. Maybe it’s an online journal or blog (scan the net and you’ll find five gazillion personal weight-loss blogs). An accountability system is anything which keeps you moving in the right direction.

Beyond Motivation

These systems help keep us grounded, committed, proactive and focused even when the feeling of motivation (the temporary emotional state) ain’t there. They help us make the change process less emotional and more strategic, logical and practical. Which is important. They also help make it a more rewarding and productive experience.

Of course, going through peaks and troughs of motivation is a typical part of the human experience but when our goal is to create atypical (exceptional) results in our world then it’s crucial that we find a way to stay on track through the motivational troughs. Accountability is indeed a crucial part of the change process and generally speaking, no accountability equals no results.

So the relevant question for this discussion is:

“What will keep you ‘doing’ when you lose motivation, when you’re fearful or when you can’t be bothered?”

If you don’t have an intelligent answer to that question, you better get one, lest you find yourself living in Groundhog Day.

The Idea and the Reality

For many people, their nice, warm, comfortable ‘idea’ of transformation, is brought undone by the practical, messy, uncomfortable reality of it. Sometimes we make success virtually impossible because we want two things which generally don’t reside at the same address: (1) we want to create lasting change and (2) we want to be comfortable.

See the problem?

Change is mostly uncomfortable. Which is why one of the key determinants of success will be your willingness to keep getting uncomfortable. Whatever is more important to you (being comfortable or creating real change) will win out. If you have an over-riding need to be comfortable then (1) do something about it or (2) lower your standards and expectations. Wrap a willingness to get uncomfortable around a good accountability system and you greatly increase your chances of creating massive and lasting change in your word.

Have fun.

* I’ll announce the winner of last week’s competition, tomorrow.

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Food-Ology

For many of the people I’ve mentored, coached and educated over the last two decades (yep, I’m that old), their biggest day-to-day challenge is managing their food intake in a healthy, intelligent and responsible manner. On a practical, emotional and psychological level, it’s also been one of my biggest challenges over the years. If you happen to ‘live’ somewhere on the scale between disordered eating and eating disorder, then today’s post is for you. It might be time to pay attention.

While I don’t have an eating disorder (as such), it’s fair to say that my eating has been disordered from time to time over my journey. Especially when I was a fat teenager. Who became an obsessive skinny teenager. Who became an obsessive bodybuilder in his late teens and early twenties.

Knowing Isn’t Doing

Sure, I might seem mild-mannered, measured and disciplined from the outside but not too far below the surface lives an eating machine that’s capable of caloric suicide and dietary behaviours which belie my alleged intelligence and knowledge. I keep that guy in check most of the time, but we all understand that knowing isn’t doing, so even somebody like me still has to work at being a conscious eater. Being an exercise scientist and coach doesn’t mean that I don’t have the ability to make stupid, irrational or irresponsible decisions. Or to eat my own bodyweight in cheesecake.

Nutritional Dysfunction

Many people eat unconsciously. They eat on autopilot. They eat what they don’t need. Every day. And then they (strangely) wonder why they’re fat. And unhealthy. They eat processed crap. They eat socially. They eat because it’s expected. Because it’s there. Because it’s free (wouldn’t want to waste anything). They eat emotionally. Reactively. They reward themselves with food. And their children too. Sometimes they bribe (motivate, manipulate, control) their kids with food. “If you do… (insert task)… I’ll take you to McDonalds for dinner”. Awesome parenting! They fantasise about food. Lie about it. They eat to ease the pain. To give themselves instant physical pleasure. To numb out. To escape. To fit in. To forget.

And then when they’re finished, they hate themselves all over again. Until the next episode. And the cycle continues.

What is Conscious Eating?

“Conscious eating is giving our body the nutrition it needs for optimal health, function and energy. Nothing more or less.”

Simple huh? In theory anyway. If only we lived in the theory – we’d all be freakin’ amazing. So, what’s the most conscious and responsible question you and I can ask in relation to our eating habits?

“Why am I eating this?”

If our answer is not “because I need it” then we’re eating unconsciously. Irresponsibly. Emotionally. When we eat consciously, our body, mind and emotions are all working in harmony.

Drug of Choice

For many people, food has become their drug of choice. Their medication. Their refuge. And don’t think I’m being melodramatic when I use the term drug. Food is indeed mood altering. It can produce high highs and low lows. It can be addictive and destructive. Over time, we might need more of it to produce the same ‘high’ or feeling. It affects our nervous system. And our endocrine system. It (like other drugs) produces biochemical changes. Emotional changes. Psychological changes. It can be both life-enhancing and life-destroying. Sometimes, the distance between ‘use’ and ‘abuse’ is not far at all.

The Psychology of Overeating

Many of us were raised in a situation (environment, mindset, group-think) where eating food that we didn’t physically need (that is, consuming excess calories, salt, sugar, fat) was rationalised, explained, justified and even expected. The fact that we weren’t hungry or actually requiring food was irrelevant. We often ate because that’s what the situation, circumstance or moment dictated. And when we didn’t eat (the food we didn’t need) we were criticised. “Don’t you dare leave anything on your plate.”

No wonder we have issues.

We were trained to celebrate with excessive eating. That is, disordered eating. We were taught to overeat on certain occasions. It was the rule. Still is. Christmas, birthdays, reunions, anniversaries, engagements, New Year and Easter were (are) all legitimate times to abuse our bodies with food. Apparently. We were encouraged to over-ride the ‘full’ signal. To ignore what our body was telling us. To unbutton our pants and keep eating.

Such an intelligent species.

Justifiable Gluttony

I’m still amazed at how many people become defensive, emotional and even angry (in my presentations), when I suggest that none of us need to overeat on Christmas day (for example). Amazingly, it’s actually possible to have a great day (maybe even a better day) without having to gorge ourselves on food that our body doesn’t need.  Apparently, some people can’t celebrate that way. The date (on the calendar) determines the behaviour. The notion of avoiding excess calories seems almost irrational to them. This is simply another easy-to-understand example of the dysfunctional attitudes, beliefs and expectations that so many of us have around food.

Conscious eating is about reconnecting with our body. It’s about stopping the abuse. The lies. The excuses. It’s about slowing down. It’s about paying attention. It’s about honouring and respecting the gift that is our body.

I’m not really an affirmation kinda guy (no shit Sherlock) but when it comes to this issue, I’ll make an exception.

Here’s something you might want to copy and put on your fridge (pantry, forehead) for a month or ten.

• I will not eat food I don’t need.
• I will not reward myself with food.
• I will not medicate with food.
• I will not allow situations, circumstances or other people to influence or dictate the way I eat.
• I will not rationalise poor eating.
• I will not be a food martyr; I will simply do what I need to.
• I will not lie to myself or others about my eating behaviours.
• I will not eat in secret.
• I will not repeat the mistakes of my past.
• I will not allow my mind or emotions to sabotage my physical potential.

I will eat consciously.

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Today’s instalment will provide you with zero in the way of personal development, motivation and/or education. It’s more a case of me thinking out loud than it is any kind of potentially transformational message. You’ve been warned.

A Fitness Dilemma

The other day, I spoke with a woman who had arrived at the gym without her heart-rate monitor. What a tragedy. She informed me that she couldn’t train without it. I told her she would be fine without it for one session. She disagreed and drove home (a fifteen minute trip each way) to retrieve it. Good grief.

The Old Days

Remember the good old days when you didn’t need a PhD in engineering, computer programming or exercise physiology to use gym equipment, do a workout or raise a sweat? Think hard. Back in the day, we had these amazing things called skipping ropes, old boxing bags and rusty dumbbells. And dirt tracks. And soft sand. And hills. And stairs. Real stairs; not revolving ones. 

There was a time when we rode our pushbikes without the any hint of lycra, titanium frames, waxed legs, quick-release wheels, professional coaching, iPods, cheer squads or gels to replenish our glycogen stores. Whatever glycogen is.

A Payment Plan for My Shoes

I remember when I didn’t have to take out a bank loan or sell a kidney to buy a pair of running shoes. And when people didn’t leave one building (their house) to drive to another building (a gym) to run on a revolving rubber belt in a room full of other people all doing the same thing. And what about way back in the day when our body (and not a heart-rate monitor) told us whether or not we were working hard? Apparently, our body has that ability. Uncanny.

Who knew?

Once upon a time, we didn’t go jogging with high-energy, high-performance, high-cost drinks strapped to our body. No, when we got thirsty we simply jumped someone’s front fence and guzzled from their tap. It seemed to work.

I even remember a time when our Olympic swimmers swam in… well, swimmers. Bathers. Cossies (or whatever you call them in your part of the world). Crazy stuff I know. They didn’t spoon themselves into space-age, hi-tech, low-resistance, hi-buoyancy, performance-enhancing body-suits. No, back in the day, swimming apparel was all about modesty and practicality; not which country could provide the greatest ergogenic benefit via a super-suit. We were of the crazy opinion that winning or losing should come down to swimming ability, endeavour, training and courage.

Again, good grief.

Playing in the World of the Three-Dimensional

Remember when children climbed trees in backyards every day rather than fake walls in rock-climbing centres once a year for some kid’s birthday? And what about when they played games with real three-dimensional things like balls and bats? Remember those? These days, it seems they’re too busy killing electronic dragons while staring at a screen for three days straight.

Obesity anyone?

Old-Fashioned Protein

History tells us that there was a time when we got protein from eggs – not six-dollar bars with more chemicals in them than a nuclear reactor. And remember the good old days when a mirror (and not a three-thousand dollar body-composition machine) told us when we were fat? Apparently, these days we’ve lost the ability to identify fat visually. We need to pay some expert with three degrees to wire us up with a bunch of electrodes and tell us what our grandma could have told us in five seconds (for free): “you’re getting fat”.

Now, I know that being an exercise scientist and gym owner, some people might question my sanity in writing such a commentary. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, I appreciate and value science, progress and technology. But there are times (like today) when I miss those old-school, low-tech sweat sessions.

I miss those days.

Or, maybe it’s the attitude and the culture around the low-tech days that I miss. 

What about you?

What do you like and dislike about the hi-tech approach to exercise, sport and getting-in-shape? And what do you miss about the old days? Love to hear your thoughts.

* I will announce the winner of the coaching session (re Wednesday’s post) early next week.

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Once a fortnight (or so) here at me-dot-com, I walk to the back of the cyber-classroom and hand over the teaching reins and coach’s whistle to you, my readers. Today is that day. Keep in mind that you don’t need to be a guru, genius or expert to teach the rest of us something (I’m none of those things, so there’s your proof). No, you just need to be willing to share your thoughts, ideas, opinions and experiences.

The Cerebral Minefield

Lately, I’ve been thinking about not thinking. Ironic huh?

I know we’ve opened the door on this conversation before but recent experiences tell me that it’s a subject which needs to be discussed, explored, dissected and re-visited on a semi-regular basis. It’s become apparent (to me) that, for many of us, our cerebral landscape is more often a chaotic warzone than it is a relaxing tropical island.

The Non-Thinker

While I consider myself to be a deep thinker and cerebral cat (on occasion), I gotta say, the ‘me’ I enjoy hanging out with more and more these days is the non-thinking version. The one who just is. The one who tends to freestyle in the dimension beyond logic, analysis, planning and ego. The one who doesn’t need to reason, filter, judge, interpret, explain or perform. The one who is happy to feel without thinking. And the one who is happy to have an experience without needing to give that experience a label or meaning.

Of course, thinking is a necessary part of being human and, of course, being able to rationalise, process, choose and interpret is an amazing gift that brings with it incredible scope, potential and responsibility. However, it (thinking) is not always where happiness lives.

While we should celebrate and appreciate our ability to reason, the truth is that sometimes it’s our propensity to think too much, that leads us to a place of stress, anxiety, misery, depression and social disconnection. All too often, we create problems out of thin air. We turn small issues into major catastrophes. We lose perspective. And control. We hand over our power to situations, circumstances and other people. We let fear determine us. Then we try to think our way out of it all.

And the cycle continues.

“Situations don’t create anxiety and misery, we do.”

The Cost of Over-Thinking

It seems that I work with (coach) a disproportionate number of over-thinkers. Or, maybe it just feels that way. Nonetheless, the over-thinking life is an exhausting one for not only the person living it but also for those in their orbit. Living with (or near) such a person can put significant strain on relationships – be they personal or professional. And while the habit of over-thinking seems to be a largely mental issue, it actually brings with it numerous emotional, physical and even, sociological consequences.

Thought doesn’t operate in isolation.

So… to think or not to think? When? How? How much? Should we consciously not think (at times) or is that a ridiculous and impossible concept? An oxymoron even? If we’re consciously not thinking then surely we must be thinking because thought lives in the conscious realm.

My brain hurts.

So, my questions for you:

1. How can we escape the cerebral chaos?
2. What has worked for you?
3. How do you know when it’s time to hit the ‘off’ switch? What are the signs?
4. Where does happiness live for you? The thinking? The doing? The feeling? All of it?
5. Random thoughts on the topic?

 As always, feel free to answer as many (or few) questions as you like.

A Free Coaching Session

In order to coax some of you scaredy-cats out of the cyber-darkness, today I thought I might give away a cool gift. So, for the comment which floats my boat (the most), I will give a thirty minute health/fitness coaching session with yours truly (normally $150.00) via the phone, Skype or – if you live in Melbourne – face to face. This offer is open to my international readers providing you have Skype access. Also, the winner (not really the right word but you know…) will have the option of giving the gift to somebody who they feel would benefit from a little getting-in-shape (type) coaching from me.

 Such fun! x

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Late Starter

I recently read an article about an “exceptional” woman who had just completed her first university degree at the ripe old age (there’s a term for discussion) of seventy-seven. While the story was interesting and the woman is indeed an inspiration, I wondered why a person doing some study and passing some exams would be reported in the newspaper. Was it newsworthy because of her age? If so, why? Are seventy-seven year-olds stupid? Do they not have a capacity to learn, grow, improve, adapt and develop new skills?

Don’t get me wrong, I think she should be congratulated on her achievement but I also think it’s a pity that, as a community, we have such low expectations of our seventy-seven year-olds that when one of them does something which millions of other people do every year, we’re surprised. Could it be that she’s not (in fact) exceptional but rather a normal, capable, intelligent student who happens to be older than her classmates?

There’s a thought.

The Age Rules

Perhaps her choices, behaviours and outcomes were exceptional (compared with others in her age group) but why do we make age an issue? If an eighteen year-old can successfully attend college, why can’t our senior citizens? I’ll tell you why (thanks for asking), because you and I live in a world where we are judged, pigeon-holed and ruled by age. And, no, these are not always written rules but they are rules nonetheless. Powerful rules.

Growing up, many of us were taught that age should dictate certain choices and behaviours. Old people bowl. Young people surf. Old people stay at home. Young people attend college. Old people let their brains turn into mush. Young people learn.

Such self-limiting crap.

The Value of Being Inappropriate

We have age-based rules about when we should retire. Who we should date. Or not date. When we should study. When we should stop playing sport. What type of car we should drive. What music we should listen to. What we should do with our money. When we should get married. How we should exercise. And dress. And socialise. In fact, we have a range of rules about age-appropriate behaviours. And if there’s one thing I love, it’s being inappropriate. Some people are age-appropriate all the way to misery, boredom and under-achievement. How unnecessary.

Of course, I’m not so naïve and optimistic as to suggest that age should never influence thinking or decisions but as a professional people watcher, it’s my observation that many people allow themselves to be determined (as opposed to influenced) by their chronological age.

A Dirty Little Secret

Sadly, in our culture, age is much more than a number. Much more than a tally of accumulated years on the planet. It’s a statement. A label. An anchor. An expectation. A limitation. A barrier. A determinant. A dirty little secret. Something to be lied about. In fact, it’s the thing people lie about most. What does that tell you?

Notice how when the media is describing someone, they will invariably mention the person’s age (“the forty-one year-old lawyer crashed his car into…”), even when age has absolutely nothing to do with the story, the event or the situation. Why don’t they say “the blue-eyed lawyer”? Or, “the kind-of-short lawyer”? Or, “the somewhat-smelly lawyer”? Or maybe even, “the egotistical and insecure lawyer”? All of those labels are just as relevant as age and definitely more amusing!

Old Young People

Over my journey I’ve met young eighty year-olds and old forty year-olds. So have you. In real terms, age (as we experience it) is more about decisions, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours than it is years. For the most part, age means whatever we decide it means.

Yes, we all age physiologically (of course) and with that comes certain consequences, challenges and realities. However, many people (perhaps the majority) seem to arrive at a certain figure (fifty, sixty, seventy… forty) and overnight they become old. They step into old-age like a farmer steps into cow shit. They act old (because that’s the rule, the belief or the expectation) and not long after, they are old.

What a waste.

Imagine living in a world where there was no record of birthdays. A world where nobody knew how old anyone was. Ever. What would we all do? How would we act? How would we know what to wear? Or drive? Or listen to? How would we know what was appropriate? How would we evaluate people without knowing their age?

Maybe the world would fall apart and mankind would perish?

Or not.

Love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Especially love to hear from you old people.

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“That’s not right for you.”

There’s a sentence we’ve all heard along our journey. Some of us, far too many times. The concept of right and wrong is an interesting discussion and a subject that has fascinated me for years. Growing up, we were all taught that there’s a right way and a wrong way to do… pretty much everything. To worship. To vote. To eat. To exercise. To date. To explore sex. To learn. To earn. To speak. To deal with problems.

Yep, pretty much everything.  

Dealing in Absolutes

As kids, the authority figures in our world (parents, teachers, ministers, etc.) mostly taught us in terms of absolutes. “This is right, that is wrong”. They didn’t typically make vague suggestions or tell us to discover our own truth. No, they told us how things work: black and white. Matter of fact. Sometimes, that approach worked in our favour (“don’t touch the hot stove”) and, sometimes, not so much (“you should never leave anything on your plate”).

The Enormity of Conformity

The trouble is that, like you and me, our educators were flawed. And ignorant. And, at times, amazing and fabulous. Of course, they didn’t know it all. None of us do. As well as their strength, wisdom and insight, they also brought their issues, insecurities, fears, ego and bias into every conversation, every ‘lesson’ and every encounter. Sadly, there have been many times when most of us have felt obligated to embrace, accept or align with someone else’s (version of) ‘right’ in order to keep the peace, to maintain a relationship and to appear loyal and committed. Even when deep down we felt an inner conflict and a sense that maybe their right is our wrong.

So we compromised. We ignored our inner wisdom. We pretended.

Inner Wisdom

I believe that, for most of us, it is our inner wisdom – the knowledge, insight and understanding that lives in the realm beyond intellect, reason and experience – that tells us what is right for us. That still small voice. Having said that, it’s also my experience that the right thing (for us as individuals) is not always the logical thing. The popular thing. The comfortable thing. Or the thing we’re most familiar with.

The truth is that there are very few universally accepted ‘rights’. Maybe none? What might appear to be right in one situation (offering a stranger a lift), will be wrong in another. What will work for John (a certain diet perhaps), will be catastrophic for Tom. What will make Sally calm and relaxed (a massage, for example) will make Sue uncomfortable and anxious.

Extremes

Even when it comes to religious, moral, ethical and highly-emotive issues such as (say) murder, is it possible to categorically say that killing another person is never (ever) right? If a person is physically trying to kill someone I love right there in front of me (perish the thought), I could concede that, in an extreme and highly-unlikely situation, even killing (in self-defence) might be the right thing.

Then and Now

Perhaps right or wrong is dependant on the individual, the situation and the circumstance. Perhaps it comes down to what stage of our journey we’re at. Maybe what was right for us in 1995 is totally wrong in 2010 (think hair, clothes, friends, career, partner). As we change, learn, grow, experience and mature, is it possible that our values, priorities, standards, rules and attitudes change and, in the process, so does (what is) right and wrong for us as individuals?

Could it be that when I try to impose my version of ‘right’ on someone else – even with my good intentions – I’m potentially manipulating, influencing them to their own detriment and trying to turn them into a version of me (‘impose’ being the key word)?

Individuality

I have friends who borrow massive amounts of money to finance certain projects and purchases. They love it. It excites them, motivates them and keeps them focused and productive. Financially speaking, it’s right for them. For me, it would be totally wrong. The idea of massive debt, huge financial risk and putting myself in that kind of situation has zero appeal to me. Having said that, neither perspective is (universally) right or wrong because it’s not actually about the situation (taking on that level of financial risk) but, rather, it’s about what it represents to the various individuals in the middle of it all.

Some of us have been so committed to certain versions of ‘right’ (we could also call them non-negotiable beliefs, standards and rules) for so long, it terrifies us to consider the idea that, maybe, what we have held onto for so long (emotionally and psychologically) might be either (1) totally wrong or (2) not the ‘most’ right thing for us (so to speak).

So, I guess we can conclude that right or wrong is a personal thing. A you thing. A me thing.  Or, maybe I’m wrong?

What do you think? Have you had a re-think on ‘right and wrong’ over the years? Had you ever done a one-eighty on a particular issue? Has your need to be right ever created problems?

The older I get, the more I realise how little I know, how few absolutes there are and how much I still have to learn.

Love to hear your thoughts. x

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A Conversation

Today, I was talking with someone who attended our MBE program last weekend. I asked her what (if anything) had resonated for her. She told me that she had never really grasped the subjective reality ‘thing’ until we started discussing the concept of consciously creating our own experiences. She liked the idea of being able to ‘build’ her own reality without having to rely on things ‘working out’ around her.

Taking the Theory for a Test Drive

The value of being part of a program which is both theoretical (listening to a bunch of information, exploring certain ideas and principles conceptually) and experiential (doing stuff – like getting a wet arse and muddy shoes while hiking in the wilderness with a bunch of strangers) is that we have the opportunity to take those theoretical concepts for a practical ‘test drive’ when we’re immersed in the doing part of the program.

Like exploring the idea of ‘hard’ and ‘easy’ being nothing more than a myth.

Hard and Easy

When I tell people that hard doesn’t really exist until we decide it does, they doubt my sanity. Sadly, we are ‘trained’ from an early age that some things are destined to be hard (marriage, staying in shape, making money, climbing a mountain) and some things are destined to be easy (getting in trouble, failing). As I’ve said before, things happen (to us, around us, despite us) and then we give those things (situations, events, circumstances) a label. And, when we name them, we make them a specific (determined-by-us) reality. We breathe life into them. Give them power. That is, they become a literal experience (for us). A very real self-created experience.

The Power is in the Name

When I label something ‘hard’ (and I believe it), I create a physical, emotional and psychological response. I turn on a switch. I create a negative power shift. An internal shift. I hand over (some of) my power to that (allegedly hard) thing. The moment I decide that tomorrow will be a bad day, is the moment that a ‘bad day’ becomes likely. Why? Because I create my own experiences. Constantly. Consciously or not.

For one person, the key message in the above paragraph will be empowering while for another, it will be complete crap. Interestingly, they will both be right.

Same but Different

It’s fascinating to watch a group of people all doing (what appears to be) the same thing at the same time… all having different individual experiences. It might seem reasonable to assume that a group of people all doing the same hike, along the same track, in the same weather conditions, at the same time, will all have the same experience.

Wrong.

Of course, each person will have a different experience because they will individually process, filter, interpret, cope, react and interact uniquely according to their own (self-created) reality: the window from which they view the world. And the experience pool from which they draw their conclusions, make their assumptions and find their labels.

Seeing Is Not Being

To the casual observer, it might seem that the participants in the group all had the same experience but the observer is not the experiencer. All the observer sees is the external stuff: the weather conditions, the track, the gradient of the mountains, the mud, the speed of the walkers and the distance covered. While the external stuff can have an impact on each individual experience (natch), it doesn’t determine it. If it did, each walker would have an identical experience and inhabit the same reality.

And how boring would that be?

One Hike, Thirty-Five Experiences

Some people found the hiking element of our weekend program hard. Some found it easy. One woman cried (with joy) and told the group it was a spiritual experience for her to be in the middle of such natural beauty. For some, it was a psychological challenge, for others not. Some were hot, some cold. Some were intimidated, some excited. Some anxious, some relaxed. Some came to learn, some came to be inspired, some came to connect and some came to face their fears. Some came to do the whole lot!

We can break our overall experiences down and find many sub-experiences. For example: for Sally, running a marathon might be a painful experience physically but a joyful experience psychologically. It might also be a life-changing experience emotionally and an enjoyable experience socially. For Sally, the marathon will mean whatever she determines it means.

Like Sally, you and I create our own experiences every day. Every minute. Consciously or not. Intentionally or not. Good and bad. Hard and easy. Lessons and problems. Painful and joyful.

One of the key challenges of the personal growth journey is to create our own experiences intentionally. To be more aware and more conscious. To manage (our internal environment) rather than be managed (by our external environment).

Whoever said “life is what we make it” was a cool cat.

What type of experiences are you creating?

As always, love to hear your thoughts on this post - even you non-commenting, scaredy-cat types.

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Laughs and Blisters

Hi Everyone. I hope you a had great weekend. I did. It was a little exhausting but lots of fun nonetheless. Our first MBE program is done and dusted and we had a total blast with plenty of breakthroughs, a few tears, lots of laughs, some sore muscles, constant light bulb moments and a bunch of new friendships in the making.  

The Group

This was the smallest group I’ve worked with for years (about thirty five people). This came about because we could only secure limited places at the time of booking. Far from being a negative, I actually loved working with fewer people. It gave me a chance to spend lots of quality time with people individually. As usual, we had lots of girls and very few blokes (four) attend. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions as to why men seem to avoid programs such as this. ;) The group was indeed diverse in terms of age, fitness levels (physical, emotional and psychological fitness), reasons for attending and personalities. Many people had flown from interstate to be there.

The Program

This weekend was, without doubt, the most laid-back, informal and freestyle program I’ve ever facilitated. I wore army shorts, sneakers and a flannel shirt the whole time! While there was plenty of learning, listening, discussing and exploring (natch), we intentionally had a heavy emphasis on the social and fun components (which were mostly the same thing). Sometimes, less structure is what works.

My Approach

I went into this program with a very vague ‘to-do’ list. While I wanted to cover certain subject matter, create some connection, push a few buttons, stimulate some minds, help create certain experiences and achieve a few desirable outcomes, I didn’t have a set plan or structured format. At all. Over the course of the weekend, people would often walk up and ask me “what are we doing next” and I’d say “I don’t know, let’s just turn up at (designated time) and see what happens.” And we did.

On Saturday night, it was my intention to run a coaching session. During dinner it became apparent to me that the level of connection, enjoyment, social harmony and fun was not something that needed to be interfered with by me. Instead of a post-dinner coaching session, we played team trivia and the fun vibe continued on through the night (waaaay through the night).

What I Learned

The older I get and the more I present, teach, coach, facilitate, observe and listen, the more I understand that, for me, following a fixed (inflexible, non-negotiable) program or presentation is quite disadvantageous and limiting. It often gets in the way of those instinctive moments, those organic connections and those magical breakthroughs. Of course, this ‘style’ (or is it lack of style?) won’t work for all presenters and coaches but it works for me. While I still have a way to go and much to learn, I feel that I have recently gone to a new level when it comes to reading audiences and providing what’s most appropriate, relevant and valuable in that moment. Even when I’m teaching, I’m learning. I love that.     

 The Venue, the Area, the Weather

The venue was ace. It was a basic lodge with bunk beds (four or six to a room), a great kitchen, hanging-out area, dining area, acceptable bathrooms and most importantly, it was heated! The area itself (Wilson’s Promontory) is one of the most beautiful places in Australia. Spending time at the Prom is healing, relaxing and mildly addictive. It’s like a gentle massage for your brain, heart and soul. If you’ve never been, you’re missing out.

The weather was… abundant. We had everything from rain, hail, thunder and lighting to blue skies and brilliant sunshine. On Saturday we bushwalked for hours (and hours) in the rain and it was awesome. For some reason, nature seems to smell even better when it’s wet. To me anyway. Despite our less-than-perfect hiking conditions, we had not one complaint, not one bad attitude and not one (serious) injury. All in all, it was a great weekend.

Big love to all my MBE(ers); it was great to meet you and hang out with you.

PS. I’ll post some pics this week.

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