It’s funny how certain experiences can completely shift your view on life.  In the past year I had two such moments.

The first was the passing of both my parents last Fall.  While preparing their eulogy it hit me in a new way just how much they had given me: my very existence, basic necessities, and consistent love.  But I especially saw how I inherited some of their qualities that contribute to my executive coaching.

My Mom was a teacher who saw and encouraged your potential but wouldn’t let you off the hook until you fulfilled it.  Dad was a focused listener who found joy in helping and counseling others. 

The second experience was when I visited the homeland of my father’s parents in Matera, Italy this past May.  I visited the actual house where my grandmother’s family lived, and walked the same ancient streets where they lived out daily life.  I never met them (they both passed before my father was 16 years old), but this visit helped me to see them as real people who made courageous choices and not just historical names.

The whole experience was deeply moving, and I felt “connected” in a way I never had before.  Not just to my grandparents but to a whole lineage of the people who came before them, and for my own descendants who will come after me.

Both of these events led to a profound shift in the way I view life: from a sprint to a relay.  I used to see my life more as an individual running a dash. My birth into this world was like bursting out of the starting blocks - my beginning.  And then running hard and fast until I cross the finish line of my death. That perspective was about me trying my very best to accomplish a personal win in a limited time.

I think this is largely the view that modern American culture grooms us for: Individual achievement. A beginning and an end during my lifespan.  And there’s a lot of good in that.  The Sprint mentality isn’t wrong… it’s just incomplete.

I now see my life as just one leg of a long relay race.  The people who ran before me gained ground, sacrificed, did their best, and then handed all of their momentum and progress off to me.  I did not start from zero.  And my finish line isn’t crossing the tape at the end of the race - it’s about me handing the baton off to future generations.  It’s one race that belongs to all of us.

This is a healthy humbling, and helps me see that I’m not the center of the universe.  My life is part of a larger story, and I’m only one chapter in it.  The same goes for all of us.  But we can miss it if we don’t make the effort to ponder. 

Whether it’s your family, work environment, or greater community, why not take some time to thank those who gave you your start?  Honor them somehow.  And yes, they aren’t perfect and most likely also handed you some problem you’ve had to deal with.  Honor them anyway. 

And if you’re not already, start investing in the next generation.  How about mentoring them, giving away some of your great ideas and your unrealized projects, or just simply encouraging them in their exceptional qualities.

After all, it’s not about you finishing your sprint. You’re just one leg of a long relay race.

Listen here

We’re wrapping up Season 2 of Dynamic destiny with a special episode where my guest, Dr. Mike Cafarchio, shares his journey of how he arrived at his calling in life. 

Mike is a Hospice and Palliative Medicine physician in Baltimore, MD, where he cares for kids and adults on some of their most difficult days and frequently grapples with life-and-death issues.

I love Mike’s story because 1) he’s my nephew and I’m super proud of him, and 2) it touches on so many of the principles we’ve been covering this podcast - assessments, passion, feedback from others, trying different things, overcoming his own hurdles, and incorporating spiritual connection & values.

In addition to his work as a physician, Mike is also a husband, #girldad, amateur baker and Philly sports enthusiast.

You can follow Mike on Twitter: @MCafarch

Listen here

Listen here

For this week’s podcast I had the privilege of interviewing a friend and recording artist, Greg G The Goldenchild. His energy is infectious!

Part of fulfilling your destiny is identifying your passion, and then pursuing it - sacrificially if needed. And that’s why I thought of Greg. He’s one of those artists who sincerely tries to connect with his audience, and you can feel the encouragement he’s always giving out when he performs. Check out one of his videos to see what I mean.

He also gives people a “possibilities” mindset. I’ve even consulted him on some of my own work when I’ve gotten stuck.

Greg shares some great stories and powerful life lessons in this episode, so listen in and be inspired.

Follow Greg through any of these links:
https://instagram.com/goheadgreg
https://twitter.com/GoHeadGreg
https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100046417338583
https://open.spotify.com/artist/36LaUNcRY0V2KYbXqxgbyS
https://music.apple.com/us/artist/greg-g-the-goldenchild/1017835888
https://youtube.com/user/GregG210TV
https://m.soundcloud.com/goheadgreg

Listen here

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Recently when meeting with a group of fellow coaches, my colleague, Doug Osness, walked us through a process to get our life purpose (our big “WHY”) reduced down to just three words.

Truth be told I was a little skeptical. I’ve been through some of these exercises before with forgettable results. But the way Doug framed it and the results that I got - WOW! It really helped bring clarity to my mind. And just saying those words out loud resonated with the destiny in my inner man.

Doug unpacks his process in the week’s podcast, and also explains why your biggest gift to the world is often buried under your greatest pain. I’m eager to have you experience his contagious enthusiasm.

Doug and his wife, Glenda, are giving away two, free 60-minute discovery calls, so you might want to check out their website and contact them if you think they’d be a good match for you.

www.secondtierconsulting.com
dosness@gmail.com  - 303-960-6784

By the way, my three words are: Activate Pioneering Transformation

Listen on your favorite podcast app, or click here to listen now ->

Listen now

In this series, we’ve been examining how different inherent factors shape your destiny. But what about the events that derail your plans? Can tragedy, trauma, abuse and accidents stop you from fulfilling your destiny?

It all depends on your perspective.

My friend, Wes Anderson is no stranger to difficulty. When he was born, the doctors only gave him a 5% chance to live. His wife of 12 years has muscular dystrophy and is wheelchair bound. Yet Wes is determined to learn from life’s troubles so he can invest in others and be a problem-solver.

In this week’s podcast Wes shares some of his stories as well as powerful wisdom principles that can help you view life’s setbacks from a different perspective.

You can contact Wes at wes@clarionsolutiongroup.com

Listen now

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Did you ever have a moment in your past when you sensed an internal spark? A time when you knew you were tapping into one of your innate talents? When you were operating in your “zone” and felt fully alive?

In this week’s podcast I talk about a time when that happened for me. It’s when both my love for communicating and my ability to see different perspectives came together at an opportune moment. It was like I was listening to myself talk as an audience member instead of as the speaker.

Maybe something like that happened for you while you were playing a sport. Or maybe you applied yourself to a project and were really proud of the result. Did you once try something beyond your ability only to discover that you had hidden talents, didn’t give up, and ultimately silenced all the naysayers?

These are all moments from your past that are sending you powerful clues about your destiny. The problem is, they get buried amid all the negativity, failures, and mundane obligations of everyday living.

In this episode I’ll show you a powerful exercise that helps you identify those clues, and then string them together to point a path to your destiny. I also tell some encouraging stories from my clients who have gone through the process.

As always, I’m cheering you on to achieve your God-given potential so you can make the most impact in the world. Let me know how it’s helped you askpete@petecoaching.com

Links and resources:

• http://www.petecoaching.com/online-course

• Book: What Color is Your Parachute, Richard Bolles

Listen now

Last week’s episode (The Importance of Owning Your Talents) brought an unexpected number of comments and feedback. Apparently, this is something many of us struggle with.

This week we get more practical with my guest and friend, Rick Diana. Rick is a talent agent for business professionals and a consummate networker. He’ll provide you with helpful mindsets and practical things you can do to promote yourself without the offensive “hype” that no one likes.

Keep pushing yourself to fully own your talents and position yourself in a way that highlights your value. It might challenge your current comfort level, but it’s worth it.

Links and resources from this episode:

• Rick Diana - https://www.linkedin.com/in/talentmgmt/

• Trinitas Talent Management https://trinitastalent.com/

• Extraordinary Job Seekers https://www.linkedin.com/groups/12399193/

• How to ask other people what you’re good at https://bit.ly/3rU0cSG

Listen now

I grew up in a large family of competitive, talented people with big personalities. We achieved well in academics and music, and the peer pressure to “live up to the family name” drove us to excel and win many awards.

But one phrase you’d often hear from my family and religious upbringing was “don’t get a big head.” The clear message was that basking in your own glory would lead to arrogance. One way to counter that temptation was to be hard on yourself. Maybe that would cut you down to size, and it could motivate you to try even harder. Can you relate?

Years of life experience have taught me that this is not a productive approach. It’s much healthier to embrace and celebrate the talents that make you stand out. That takes courage, and it doesn’t need to result in arrogance. In fact, once you reconcile with your own greatness, it actually frees you up to get your eyes off yourself and serve others, unencumbered.

In this week’s podcast we’ll unpack the unintended downside of not embracing your talents, and what you can do to start moving forward.

I’d love to hear if and how you deal with this dynamic in your life. Comment below, or write to me at askpete@petecoaching.com

Free tools referenced in this episode:

• Uncover your blind spots: http://www.petecoaching.com/blindspot

• True Humility poster for download https://bit.ly/3jqjgoR

• Thoughts on true Humility http://www.petecoaching.com/blog/2018/8/2/true-humility

Listen to the episode below, or on your favorite podcast platform.

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]]>Pete CafarchioWed, 27 Jan 2021 03:37:08 +0000http://www.petecoaching.com/blog/2021/1/26/s2e6-personality-tests-and-self-awareness53e031b0e4b09fb957e34b32:53e2a881e4b086dd8cc8ffa4:6010ca26038cf00c5a53e99c  

I’ll never forget the first personality assessment I took and how much the results intrigued me. Lynn and I were newly married, took the Myers Briggs Type Indicator and reviewed the results with a certified counselor.

I remember being floored that the results showed I had an unfair advantage in taking standardized tests. I already knew that to be true, but this explained the “why.” It predicted that Lynn had a natural love of languages (she knew 4 at the time), and could appreciate quirky personalities (ahem). How could a simple test reveal such specific personality traits?

A few years later I was introduced to DISC, and then the Motivational Gifts assessment, which added further layers to my understanding. They also fueled my natural interest in what makes each person unique, and how they could maximize their strengths. All of this was before I ever even heard of coaching.

Now, I use assessments with many of my coaching clients. But I’m also well aware of their limitations and potential drawbacks. They’re not meant to explain everything, but they can serve as a useful tool to round out the full picture of your design and destiny.

In this podcast episode I’ll take you deeper into personality assessment tools (including the Enneagram) with my guest, Nathan Hubbard.

If you’ve taken an assessment, let me know what your personal experience has been.

Show notes:

0:42 “Personality begins where comparison ends”
2:00 Improve Your Emotional Intelligence
4:40 Some of the different assessments
8:20 Assessment limitations
11:08 No excuses!
12:30 Coaching Stories
18:44 Guest intro: Nathan Hubbard
22:08 The Survivor TV show is Enneagram on display
26:07 Make it real challenge

Guest, Nathan Hubbard www.nathanhubbardmusic.com

Links to assessments:

• Myers/Briggs or 16 Personalities https://www.16personalities.com/

• Enneagram Site to learn more: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/how-the-enneagram-system-works take the free test: https://enneagramtest.net/

• Motivational Gifts: https://www.gifttest.org/

• DISC Free test: https://www.123test.com/disc-personality-test/

• DISC Paid: https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc/overview/

• Gallup CliftonStrengths https://store.gallup.com/p/en-us/10003/cliftonstrengths-34 To interpret CliftonStrengths, go to WeAlign Coaching https://www.wealigncoaching.com

Listen to the episode below, or on your favorite podcast platform.

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]]>Pete CafarchioWed, 20 Jan 2021 22:41:38 +0000http://www.petecoaching.com/blog/2021/1/20/s2e5-seeing-past-your-blind-spots53e031b0e4b09fb957e34b32:53e2a881e4b086dd8cc8ffa4:6008a5c5e9972660323577cc  

I’ve found that one of the biggest stumbling blocks to my Emotional Intelligence is a lack of self-awareness. 

Jesus addresses this all-too-human tendency in Matthew 7: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Easily see everyone else’s faults - oblivious to my own. Yikes.

I tend to be an intense person, rapidly processing my next thoughts, calculating different scenarios, and connecting lots of big concepts - all at the same time! When that gets verbalized, the result can be overwhelming for the listener. (My wife, Lynn, with eyeballs rolling whispers, “understatement!”)

Of course all this is unintended, because my intent is to build warm connections with other people. But with a lifelong history of social mis-queues, I’ve learned to read people better and ask them how I’m coming across. I need that kind of feedback to keep me on track. Sometimes the feedback is painful, but it’s how I learn and grow.

This is one of the reasons clients retain me as a coach. I can (gently) point out their blind spot in a safe setting, and then we can process through it together with no judgment. The result is improved performance when they get back in the game at work or at home.

The other type of blindspot is when you don’t appreciate your exceptional talents. In this podcast episode I highlight that aspect and give you some practical exercises to gain better self-awareness and make a bigger impact in the world.

Let me know if you gain any new insights.

Highlights:
0:37 “The most common blind spot is believing that others have them, but you don’t”
2:18 Imagine a dinner table full of 8 competitive kids interrupting each other
6:03 Other people can see you more clearly than you can see yourself
7:45 Self-coaching exercises
15:08 Wrap up

Links:
Free download - what everyone else sees about your Destiny www.petecoaching.com/blindspot
Decoding Your Destiny online course http://www.petecoaching.com/online-course

Listen to the episode below, or on your favorite podcast platform.

In it, I have some encouragements that might help you understand how things are shaking out from a global/kingdom perspective, as well as some practical takeaways to help you navigate this season. 

Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below.

This blog entry features an article By Ann Betz and William Arruda

My friend, business genius William Arruda and I sat down recently to talk about why coaching matters so much–even, perhaps MORE–during this Covid-19 crisis. Here are the top ten reasons we came up with:

1. Many tools and techniques of professional coaching are scientifically proven to reduce stress. When we are stressed, it is much more difficult to have empathy, think creatively, control impulses, and make effective plans. When stress is reduced through coaching, people have more access to creativity, empathy, and resilience, all of which are critical right now.

2. Coaching helps people process what is going on. This is an unprecedented time—the very fact that we have little to compare it to makes it exceptionally difficult to process and make sense of. Without processing during the time we are in the experience, we run a high probability of either crashing when it is over, or sublimating our worry, fear and stress into health issues, low energy, and other negative impacts. When we notice and allow our true feelings and concerns, we move the energy through and stay steadier and more able to cope both during and after. Many people need the support of coaching in order to do this effectively.

3. Coaching helps people find their own resilience and capacity, even when we can’t change the external landscape. Any coach worth their salt knows to focus on the client, not the issue. When people are what we might call, “returned to themselves” through coaching, they see more possibility and find more internal resilience. This restores some sense of control in what feels like an uncontrollable world.

4. The small amount invested in coaching during a crisis will pay off in terms of larger gains. The companies and individuals that will get through this time are those that maintain a fair amount of calm center, limit the toxic impact of stress, are flexible and agile, and truly “think outside the box.” Given the impact of the circumstances we find ourselves in, it is highly unlikely that people will find their way there without the kind of support coaching provides.

5. Giving managers and leaders coaching provides a noticeable ripple effect. Research shows that leaders have a potent impact on the “weather” of their organization. When they are calm, emotionally regulated, thoughtful, and patient, those around them feel more able to respond more thoughtfully as well. (Same is true for parents and children.)

6. This will most likely lead to permanent changes for individuals and orgs. We know coaching is one of the most effective ways to help people navigate change. We’re not going back to “business as usual” after this. Coaching helps us know and express our own needs, desires and boundaries as things change so we can be active “co-creators” in what is to come.

7. It is more critical than ever to retain and develop top talent. We’re going to need extraordinary thinking and performance to help any enterprise—whether it is a business, a school, or even a family—get through this. As things are pointing to different structures in how we do business, all enterprises are going to need to rely more on multiple layers of leadership. Coaching helps develop people’s leadership strengths and confidence, and is also a proven retention strategy.

8. Coaches help people get unstuck and move out of fixed patterns or mindsets. Surviving and thriving in this time requires an adaptable brain that can respond with flexibility and creativity, while still being thoughtful and applying logic. Coaching helps people identify limiting beliefs and move into more open and responsive mindsets.

9. People are thinking about purpose and meaning as a result of this crisis. Without support in terms of surfacing and focusing on questions of meaning, life purpose, and important values, all too often the things we learn in crisis are lost. Coaching can help us powerfully reflect on what we are learning about ourselves.

10. People will be using this opportunity to make major life and work changes and will need a coach to help navigate this change. Our old patterns and habits are well-wired into our brains. Making real change is disruptive to the system, and we need support to make major changes. Coaching is all about the reflection-action-reflection cycle of learning. A coach helps us identify what we want, try some things to put it into action, reflect on what we learned, and then continue this positive cycle as we move into new ways of being and therefore new results in our lives.

Ann Betz consults on the science of coaching for the ICF education department, and served as provocateur for the online learning ICF Advance in 2018 and will again in 2020. She is the author of This Is Your Brain on Coaching, the science of the ICF competencies, and has been a professional coach since 2001. She is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership, offering advanced coach training on neuroscience for the experienced and curious coach. She is a sought-after international speaker on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, and human development, and works with many global brands and coaching organizations.

William Arruda is an entrepreneur, motivational speaker and the world’s leading authority on the topic of personal branding. He’s the bestselling author of the definitive books on the topic: Career Distinction and Ditch. Dare. Do! His latest book, Digital YOU helps readers translate their real-world brands for the virtual world. William is the CEO (Chief Encouragement Officer) of Reach Personal Branding and the co-founder of CareerBlast.TV – a personal and digital branding video learning platform for innovative organizations. His products have been used by over a million people across the globe. William is honored to work with many of the world’s most revered brands, including 20% of the Fortune 100. He regularly shares his thoughts on workplace trends and branding in his Forbes column. In 2015, he was awarded the ICF Chair’s Award for his contributions to the field of coaching.

https://yourcoachingbrain.wordpress.com/2020/04/28/top-ten-reasons-you-and-your-organization-need-coaching-more-than-ever-right-now/

In this difficult time the motives and character of many people are going to be revealed.  This will be especially highlighted in leaders.  

Jesus (my favorite leader) taught about a specific leadership dynamic when he compared himself to a good shepherd versus a hired hand in the Gospel of John chapter 10 verses 11-13.  Sheep being a metaphor for people and a shepherd being a metaphor for a leader.

John 10:11-13 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.”

The hallmark of good leaders is that they they care more about the needs and well-being of their people than they do about their own reputation and rewards.  You may have heard this referred to as “servant-leadership.”

Contrast that with “hired hands” - leaders who are only in it for themselves - greater pay, notoriety, the feeling of power and authority, etc.  They don’t care about the people they lead, so when adversity comes that requires self-sacrifice, they abandon their responsibilities. 

We’re now in a time of adversity with the COVID-19 pandemic. It will get worse before it gets better, and people will need good leadership more than ever.  So watch and see how the good shepherd vs. hired hand dynamic plays out.  You’ll notice the hired hand leaders abandoning their posts when the job gets too hard or the benefits disappear.  You’ll also see extraordinary service and sacrifice manifested through previously-unnoticed true shepherds.

This applies to leaders at all levels and in all sectors or society - from national political and industrial leaders to managers in small organizations to individual families.

But don’t just watch.  There will be opportunities for you to step up and fill leadership voids yourself if you’re willing to serve others without a focus on rewards.  It will be difficult, thankless, maybe unnoticed, and there will be times when you won’t know what to do.  But if you’re willing to lay down your life to care for others, God will give you the strength and wisdom that you need.

This was one of my best interviews so far. I had the awesome Damaris Giha as my special guest, and even though we have very different backgrounds and views, we had a constructive, civil discussion (imagine that)!

Together, we discuss how campaign strategies manipulate us, and practical ways that you can maintain your mental and emotional health.

Highlights include:
1:00 - A negative mindset can impede your destiny
2:03 - “Bad officials are the ones elected by good citizens who do not vote”
3:48 - A millennial/liberal/woman of color and a Boomer/conservative/white male talk politics!
6:30 - How Damaris’ background shaped her political views
11:44 - Your views evolve over time
15:10 - We are all being played. Accept it
18:50 - Your views make sense for you, but not everyone else
20:20 - It takes a lot of work to understand someone's perspective
23:58 - A sinister form of voter suppression
25:54 - Narratives are invented first, then evidence is found to confirm
28:47 - Why the younger generation is cynical and fatigued
31:18 - Free resource download - Attitude Check
33:15 - Your opposition is way more moderate than you’re led to believe
35:40 - When you’re upset that someone voted for Trump
36:55 - Stop thinking either/or. Start thinking both/and
41:03 - How to be a bridge builder
44:08 - The media makes money by getting you upset
47:00 - Damaris’ suggestions for good emotional health

I’d love to hear your comments on this episode. Which issues resonate with you? What would you like us to talk about more?

I’ve struggled with being judgmental most of my life. At times I felt more like the guy in this picture than the woman. Can you relate? But I discovered a powerful key that’s changing my perspective and helps me appreciate others just the way they are. It really has been revolutionary and that’s why I’m excited to share it with you.

In this week’s podcast my friend and business partner, Dave Mead, and I talk about how we’ve both grown in emotional intelligence. The segment that explains how it defused my judgmental attitudes starts here.

I hope you enjoy this week’s full episode. Here are some shortcuts to other highlights:

0:54 - “Be Who You Is.”
1:47 - “At 60 years old I feel like I’ve missed the boat.”
6:28 - Dave was living a life that was “invisible,” avoiding both the spotlight and the limelight
9:09 - “Mostly, it feels lonely.”
11:10 - “I just assumed this was the way life was supposed to be lived”
13:28 - CliftonStrengths gave Dave a language to describe who he really is.
17:00 - It’s very freeing to know who you are NOT
18:21 - The genesis of WeAlign
25:09 - Pete’s story getting coached through CliftonStrengths
28:38 - Understanding a “destiny wound”
34:53 - Learning about strengths defuses a judgmental attitude
39:00 - Team coaching lead to workplace transformation
44:00 - Don’t ever lose hope. If you’re stuck or lost, coaching can really help.

Don’t forget to subscribe to my podcast on your favorite listening app:

One of my greatest joys as a coach is when I see my clients achieve results.  I like to tell their stories because it shows everyone else what’s possible and inspires hope.  It helps to hear the nitty-gritty reality of exactly how other other people are doing it.

In this week’s podcast, I interview Jody Thompson who got amazing clarity on his life purpose.  Then just a few days later a new career opportunity opened up for him.  Understanding the intrinsic needs associated with his strong talents was one of the keys that unlocked his destiny.

I hope you enjoy this week’s episode.  Here are some highlights:

• A nurse’s life purpose and heart transplant story - 7:20

• Each talent has its own intrinsic needs and motivations - 24:00

• CliftonStrengths can help your team’s performance - 27:15

• When the coach needs a coach - 33:00

• A bigger hammer isn’t always the right approach - 37:20

• Is advocating for your own needs “selfish?” - 40:45

• How to write a Life Purpose statement - 48:00

• Q: How can I deal with my weaknesses? - 53:25

Don’t forget to subscribe to my podcast on your favorite listening app:

As you think about your team’s performance goals for 2020, have you blocked out time for strategic planning?  Whether this happens in a one-day session or a full-blown offsite retreat, there are some very real benefits to having a third party facilitator lead the planning process.  Consider the following:

• You’re free to participate. When someone else is running the meetings, it frees you up to be fully present in the discussions. The facilitator will worry about agendas, schedules, and group dynamics, and you’ll be available to bring you best thinking, undistracted.

• Speaking with candor. A third party has no stake in internal politics or pet projects, so they can say the tough things when needed. I tell my clients, “If I don’t ruffle your feathers at some point, I’m not doing my job.” That might include calling out rude behavior, or pushing the team out of their comfort zone.

• They know what works. A skilled facilitator has done this before. They’ve encountered all types of personalities and group dynamics. They know which exercises produce results and which are a waste of time. And they know how to pace the sessions, infuse variety and team-building exercises, and get you “unstuck” when things break down.

• New ideas and approaches. Your team is entrenched in solving specific problems and driving productivity. But sometimes, their intense focus is limiting. An outsider can bring a fundamental shift in your approach, opening up new ways of thinking and giving a perspective that you may not have considered before.

• External validation. You may be pitching an idea to your team for months only to have it fall on deaf ears. But when an outsider presents the exact same idea people perk up, listen, and buy into it. Use that dynamic to your advantage. A skilled facilitator can help bring your team to the same conclusions so that they embrace it as their own.

It’s not too early to schedule your 2020 strategic planning.  Engage a facilitator to ensure your team gets the most enjoyment and best results from their efforts.

Are you like me? I can get so caught up in the challenges of day-to-day life that I lose perspective on the big picture - why I’m alive, the good things I have to offer the world, and the fact that I really am making a difference. Can you relate?

When I get “battle weary” I tend to focus on my problems and all the ways I haven’t lived up to my potential. That’s when my friends’ perspective is really important. They have the ability to see my potential, and sometimes they believe in me more than I believe in myself.

So I got thinking… instead of waiting for those encouragements to come around, what if we could proactively capture them? The result was a simple self-coaching tool that I developed. It has practical exercises and some simple questions to ask yourself.

Just click here to download it for free. It walks you through a simple process, and even has an instructional video with tips.

And you can click this link to listen to a recent segment on Dynamic Destiny Radio where unpack the concept in more detail.

If you like the download or the radio show please tell a friend about it.

And let me know what kind of insights you gained through the process. I might feature your reply on the show.

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps you gain clarity and see your full potential, because you really are God’s gift to the world.

Together we’ll go deeper into topics from The Re:Pete blog, interview guests, and answer live questions.

Go to petecoaching.com/radio to listen live and check podcast archives in the future.

Thanks for all your support and wonderful comments. Keep ‘em coming. And please help spread the word about the radio show by telling your friends.

What topics would you like to hear us unpack on the show?

I stopped by my parent’s house for a short visit and captured some video footage of their keys to a happy life.

At 88 and 89 years old, they’re doing very well. They still live independently, and are active in their community. They’re a cute couple, and still in love with each other after all these years.

Some of the values they share here might sound a little old-fashioned and simple, but that’s the point. They are time-tested and true, and they work!

And let’s show the rest of the world what long-term love looks like. Share the video in your social media feeds if you’d like.

Wishing you the best,
Coach Pete

By far my favorite part of coaching is when my clients get real results. The following testimonial is from an IT exec who was losing his confidence due to age discrimination and a bad work culture. He has a great turnaround story.

“My career was stagnating.  Despite being highly skilled and having a good history of success, I was faced with fewer and fewer options and a management culture that didn’t appreciate my experience or talent. 

“To make matters worse, the perception that I might be too old (ageism) was really hurting my confidence.  That put me at the mercy of the standard job hunting system.  I found myself reacting to each job opening, changing myself to try to fit the very narrow  job descriptions.  It didn’t work, and it actually eroded my energy and confidence even further.  

“I knew I needed a different method, and that’s when a friend introduced me to Coach Pete.  He took me through a completely different approach that was counter-intuitive.  Pete listened without judging me, but he didn’t sugar-coat the truth either.  He told me what I needed to hear and patiently walked me through the process.

“Along the way, I gained some valuable insights.  For instance, not only was I good at my craft, but that I still am good at it.  My age and experience are a huge plus when positioned properly.  And some challenges weren’t my fault - my entire industry is at a “low tide,” and that affects us all.  So that helped me to level-set on my expectations.   

“But the biggest insight was getting clarity on my own values.  Through coaching I was able to see the fact that trust and respect are very important to me.  So I needed to find a work culture that valued those qualities as well. 

“I’m happy to say that I’m now in a new role that’s a great fit for me.  Beyond salary requirements, I’m getting the important things that I need to feel fulfilled.  Without coaching, I wouldn’t have been able to identify those.

“Working through this process was a big confidence-builder for me, and I’ve been recommending Coach Pete to all my friends who are looking for a change.”

• Jim Longo, IT Executive
  

What’s holding you back from the career you really want? Let’s talk - no obligation

When I was an idealistic young man I dreamt big, had a clear sense of destiny, and was excited for the future.

Fast forward 35 years, and the realities of life, career, and raising a family have a way of squashing those dreams right out of a person. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I didn’t really question my destiny because I truly believe God planted those dreams in my heart to propel me forward. The bigger question was, between my present reality and my future dreams, what do I do in the meantime?

Those long in-between years can cause you to lose heart. So in this week’s video I share five principles that I’ve discovered along the way to keep you moving forward on your path to destiny.

Plus I show you a little of my morning bicycle path :-)

Please write back to me and tell me where you’re at in your journey. I’d love to hear your story.

If I had a dollar for every life-changing insight of mine that never went anywhere, I’d be a rich man - or at least I’d have a lot of dollars. Here are a few things I’ve learned (the hard way), that I’d like to pass on to you.

1) Your insight was only meant to be a booster, not the end goal.

Harnessed properly, insights provide new energy to push past your fears, prejudices, limitations, and inertia. But the only way for the insight to fulfill its boosting function is for you to take action. Otherwise it becomes just another clever thought.

2) You can’t store these up. 

The power of an insight will disappear pretty quickly (I give it 3 days, max, for me) if it’s not coupled with action. The lie I tell myself is that it’s safe to procrastinate - I can store it for now and dust it off when I need it. The truth is, that rarely works.

3) The Law of Diminishing Intent.

Jim Rohn coined this phrase, “The longer you wait to do something you should do now, the greater the odds that you will never actually do it.” A younger me thought that this doesn’t apply to me. Younger me was wrong. It applies to all of us.

Here’s a short video filmed in Central Park with an encouragement on the topic.

May all your epiphanies result in positive changes.

"You think you're God's gift to the world!" was a phrase we'd use growing up.  The intent was to put someone in their place if we thought they were being arrogant or prideful. 

But hold on for a minute...

If you think about it, God made each one of us, selected a point in time and a location for us to be born, and gave us an incredibly unique set of skills, talents, tastes, and abilities. 

And His intent was for us to use those abilities to make our world a better place.  We'll do that in different ways, but most of us are trying our best.

The question isn't how much of an impact are you making.  Instead, are you making the kind of impact you were designed to make? 

The world - your world - needs you to keep showing up and trying in your own way to make it a better place.  

God knew we needed you in our world.  You're His gift to us.  But if you keep hiding in false humility we'll never get the benefit.

So rise up and be all you were meant to be.  Because you really are God's gift to the world.

Have a great Summer!

It might not seem all that important, but the Linden trees are in bloom every year at this time. They give off one of my favorite scents.

What IS important is taking time to go enjoy the small things in life that bring you pleasure.

Summer is upon us and will soon be gone. Make sure you intentionally feed your soul to keep it healthy.

Enjoy!

Q: Coach Pete, you talk about being true to myself, but I’ve been so programmed by other people’s expectations that I no longer know who I really am.  How can I recover the real me?  

A: That’s a great question, and you’re not alone.  I’ve been going through this journey to “re-humanize” myself as well.  Here are five helpful sources that I’ve discovered along the way.

1) Ask those who know you

Ask close family members, coworkers, and friends to honestly tell you what your strengths and weaknesses are. They can point out your good and bad blind spots, and be a great “mirror” for you. Note: pay special attention if more than one person points out the same thing.

2) Ask your history

Take some time to reflect on the accomplishments in your life and note the times you felt successful, fully alive, or in your “zone.”  It helps a lot if you write these down. For each scenario, ask yourself:

• What was the setting?

• What skills and talents did you use?

• What roles did you serve?

Do you see patterns of traits that show up multiple times?  Those are aspects of your core design shining through. When you align with your design, you get the best results.

3) Ask science

We live in a time where the science of personality development is exploding. It’s worth your time and expense to take an assessment or two to better understand how you’re wired.

I’ve seen huge results as I’ve coached clients through the WeAlign Strengths Alignment Package. I also like gifttest.org, and DISC, and I know people who prefer MBTI, the Enneagram, Colors, and many others. The key is to know what the assessment is attempting to measure as well as its limitations.

4) Ask a professional

A qualified coach is trained to help you get clarity on your life purpose and calling.  As an objective sounding board, your coach can often accelerate the process and get you results much faster than going it on your own.

5) Ask your Creator

Last, but certainly not least, if you want to know your design it makes sense to consult The Designer. 

You may have heard it said that your talents are God’s gift to you, but what you do with them is your gift to God.  So it’s logical that God is biased toward helping you understand your design in order to make a difference in the world. Ask for guidance and understanding in your prayers, and try some spiritual journaling. Ephesians 2:10

Summary

Each of these factors contribute a part of the whole - the bigger picture of your unique design. Be intentional in your discovery, but remember it’s a process that never completely ends, so be patient with yourself.

Do you need help sorting things out? Let’s have a no-obligation discovery call and see if we can move you forward.

Been here before. Now I’m breaking the cycle. How about you?

Hopium

1. An addiction to false hopes.

2. The state of wallowing in self-pity combined with the delusion of potential fame/greatness. One in this state will hope for others to pity or save them, yet paradoxically romanticize their own struggle, pitying themselves and never moving on to achieve their dreams.

Watch the video below to learn more…

Do you know anyone who’s stuck in this pattern? What do you wish you could tell them?

As I was building on the theme of Losing Your Soul at Work, I uncovered one important dynamic that runs through it all - not being intentional.

When I look back at the times in my life where I felt the most unfulfilled, resentful, or taken advantage of, the common thread was that I abdicated my own free will and just went along with what other people thought was best for me. Not good.

Fortunately, that isn’t a constant in my life. But one indicator that I’m starting to drift in that direction is when I neglect setting clear goals. A close cousin is when I don’t update my goals and make adjustments based on changing circumstances.

I invite you to watch the short video below as I dig deeper and get honest with myself.

Do you feel like you’re drifting sometimes? What do you think is the real underlying motive? I’d love to get your feedback in the comments below. Or, contact me to discuss updating your own goals.

I’ve found that I can put up with a lot of negative things on my job (salary cuts, bad bosses, failed projects, etc.) as long as one thing is in place… that I’m learning something new.  If I’m gaining knowledge, new skills, wisdom, etc., I tell myself I’m making an investment that will pay off in the future, and that positivity helps carries me along.

But if the learning stops I start dying inside.  Boredom sets in, I start complaining more, and it makes it much harder to tolerate the negative things in life.  It also causes me to wonder what I’m missing out on if I went to work someplace else.

In the following video, I share some thoughts about what happens when you stop learning, and what questions you can ask yourself to get back on track.  (Bonus: Look for the appearance by El Cid at the end)

(Note: I'm not referring to the state of your soul in eternity, but rather the integrity and health of your conscience and personhood).

When I did some reflection on how I may have compromised my own values (see the last blog entry), one area stood out - selling something professionally that I didn't really believe in.

This short video gives a couple of insights, and how I'm trying to turn that around. 

Maybe you don’t sell products or services, but most of us have to sell ideas or points of view at some time in our lives.

Can you relate? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

There’s an 80’s song, Once in a Lifetime, by Talking Heads, that speaks about mid-life disillusionment.  Having gone through this myself, I can relate with the questions the singer asks himself, “Well, how did I get here?” “Am I right?  Am I wrong?”  “What have I done?”

That feeling of “lostness” can be a scary place.  And while the feeling might be triggered by a specific event, the underlying causes can operate unnoticed for years. Seemingly small choices chip away at your soul little by little over time until one day you don’t know who you are anymore.

Take a look and see if you’ve fallen into any of these areas of neglect, and if so take action. It’s never too late to get back on track.

1. You Compromise your values 

Kathy is competitive and likes to pursue excellence, but the lackluster culture at her current company feels like a ball and chain keeping her from personal success.  In the short term she thought she could “power through it,” and help to improve her environment.  But over time her frustrations grew, her performance suffered, and she lost her edge and self-respect.  Why? Her work wasn’t in line with her core values.

Very simply, values are guiding principles that are important to you.  These include moral/ethical boundaries (truthfulness, honesty, respect, fairness, etc.), as well as what you personally think makes for a fulfilling life (physical fitness, constant learning, financial independence, justice, etc.).  The list varies greatly from person to person, but the important thing is that you know what your values are and that you honor them.

If the temptation to compromise your values happened in a huge, obvious way it would be much easier to see and avoid.  But it usually happens in a more insidious way through a series of small micro-choices and neglect.   These accumulate over time resulting in an incongruent life, deep sense of frustration, and lack of self-respect.  In short, you lose who you really are. 

Solution:   Do a values inventory.  Then get together with a trusted friend or a coach to identify places where your life is out of sync with your values.  If you can make changes in your work environment to support your values, that’s great.  If not, you might need to make a career transition.  You deserve better. 

“Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way.” Stephen Covey

2. You Don’t update your goals

Jim loved his small but growing company.  He was a valued team member who was making a direct impact to bottom line growth.  But fifteen years and four acquisitions later, he’s working in a hidden division of a huge tech company doing menial work that doesn’t challenge or excite him.  He thought he’d “play it safe” and just go with the flow, but now he’s bored and dreads going to work each day.

Have you found yourself in a place you never wanted to be?  That happens when you’re not intentional with your plans.  Circumstances change over time and if you don’t revisit your goals and make adjustments, you’ll just drift into other people’s expectations for you.

Solution: Schedule appointments with yourself to look at your personal treasure map and your road map, make updates as needed, and then take action.  If you haven’t done this in years, just get started.  You’ll get better the more you do it.  A good coach can act as a sounding board and help keep you accountable to a realistic plan.

“If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else.”  Yogi Berra

3. You’ve Stopped learning

Shivkumar was a talented, rock star employee.   His projects leveraged the latest technology to save his company millions, and he was rewarded with rapid advancement.  Now he’s in upper management, and he’s fallen out of touch with technology trends.  No one can keep up with all of them, but he’s adopted certain mindsets that have built a defensive “cocoon of denial,” around himself.  Namely: 

• Entitlement - “I paid my dues - I should be rewarded for my past accomplishments”

• Pride - “I’ll look stupid if I admit I don’t know this subject matter”

• Fear - “what if I don’t have what it takes to learn this new skill?” and

• Laziness - “it’s just too much work to keep up with these changes”

Solution: Shiv is stuck in what’s known as a “fixed mindset.”  If this sounds like you, then develop a “growth mindset” to reignite your learning. My clients consistently rank the book, Mindset, as the #1 resource to get them back on track.  And sometimes you just need wake-up call.  A good coach will have the courage to tell you what others are afraid to say and will hold you accountable to your action plan.

“A man who asks is a fool for five minutes. A man who never asks is a fool for life.”  Chinese Proverb

In what ways are you feeling lost?  Are there other factors operating in your life that aren’t listed here?  Please add your comments below and be part of the discussion. In the meantime, enjoy some retro video.

When I meet a prospective client who’s considering a career transition, it’s pretty typical for them to ask me to review their resume and help them understand why they didn’t get the last job they interviewed for.

Like most people, they’ve been focusing all their efforts on the execution portion of their job hunt - what I call “the visible part of the iceberg.” Unfortunately, that system isn’t very effective at helping people find a great fit.

The most important part of a job hunt is hidden beneath the surface. And when people put in the effort to first get clarity on who they are and what they want, the chances of them finding a job they’ll love go way up.

I’ve lived this out in my own life, and now I help other people get the clarity they’re looking for as well.

I hope you enjoy this short video. Please share it with some of your friends who dislike their current job or are actively looking for a new one.

What are your top CliftonStrengths? How do they impact what you enjoy doing? How can you focus and maximize that enjoyment?

Find out more at www.wealigncoaching.com

This is a friendly reminder to love yourself.

One key is recognizing the scripts that are running in your subconscious. Identify those voices in the back of your mind that always tell you you’re not good enough, you need to change, or you need to be like someone else before you’re acceptable.

Once you see those for what they are - tyrannical taskmasters - it makes it easier to shut them out. It will take practice, but it’s worth the effort.

You are too valuable to be squashed into something you weren’t designed to be.

I'm all for self-improvement. I work at it every day, and believe that we should all strive to be the best we can be.

The problem comes when you try to be someone that you're not meant to be. That's a recipe for a life of frustration and disappointment.

Being your best starts with accepting the limitations of your design. Think about it… If you not satisfied with your Real Self - with all your realistic strengths and limitations - in essence you’re saying that your Creator made a mistake. Not good.

If you can adjust that mindset and thank God for how you're made, you’ll release a flood of wisdom and have the proper foundation to move forward with your plans.

Watch this short video for an encouragement.

“Should”

When I take stock of who I am and see that things are good
A thief comes in to steal my joy, accusing, “But you Should…”

“You Should be more productive.  Your body Should be slim 
That guy right there is so well-liked, you Should be more like him.”

So now there is a rubble heap where my esteem once stood
Knocked down with cruel intention by the wrecking ball of Should

“How dare you be contented.  Your best will never do.  
Try harder still,” his voice demands.  “Become a different you.”

I get back on the hamster wheel determined to improve
But hear him say to my dismay, “the finish line has moved.”

Then in a time of clarity I see I have a choice   
I can choose to tune him out and hear a different voice

I hear, “I am accepted.”  I hear, “I am enough.”  
And where I lack, God’s got my back.  I’m covered by His love

I’ll celebrate my talents working hard at what I do  
I’m doing fine with my design, my limitations, too

I don’t do super-exploits.  Sometimes I wish I could
But I accept me as I am.  I’ve had enough of Should!

Copyright 2019 by Peter Cafarchio

I was reflecting about how I tend to despise my natural limitations instead of accepting them, and this graphic representation came to mind.  I hope you can gain some personal insights from it.

How it works

When I accurately see myself the way I am, with a realistic view of my strengths and limitations, I can have self-respect and a healthy appreciation for myself.

The problem comes when I get fixated on a fantasy version of who I think I should be.  In that version, my strengths are exaggerated, and my weaknesses are ignored or hidden.  It’s unrealistic, but I’m more attracted to that version.  And then when I see my Real Self in comparison to my Fantasy Self, I wind up disliking myself because I don’t measure up.  The result is deep-seated unhappiness with my core identity.

Entire industries spend multiple billions of dollars each year to convince you that you don’t yet measure up to the Fantasy Self.  They don’t mind damaging your self-esteem just so you’ll buy their products to improve yourself.  Pretty sick, huh? 

Social media makes it even worse by broadcasting images that only show our best moments and hide our real struggles.

And if you’re a high-achiever, you might be naturally prone to setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and others.

What can you do?

One plan of attack is to identify the sources that contribute to your Fantasy Self.  A short list might include: entertainment, advertisements, past messages from your family of origin, condescending friends, certain corporate cultures, and your social media feed.  

Ask yourself if these influencers are making you feel better or worse about your Real Self, and then manage or eliminate them. It’s not easy because we’re barraged every day, but a few key choices can make a big difference.

The second approach is to get a good understanding of who you really are – self-awareness.  Do the work using assessments, a coach, and feedback from friends and coworkers to get an accurate view of your strengths and limitations.  And then learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.

What’s interesting is that the better you know your Real Self, the easier it becomes to see (and reject) your Fantasy Self. 

I’ve heard it said that when currency experts are trained to identify counterfeit money, they don’t study the infinite ways the money can be imitated. Instead, they study the unique characteristics (paper type, colors, inks, images, etc.) of legitimate currency. Then if they see that one aspect is altered, they know the bill in question isn’t authentic.

The same principle applies here.  Get to know the real, legitimate you, and it becomes easier to spot the voices trying to make you into a phony.

How about you? What’s one comparison you can eliminate this year to increase your joy level?

(Check out this sample excerpt from a coaching session)

Client: “I just love strategic planning. When my team lays out their goals and barriers, I can very quickly see the way forward. It’s like I intuitively know which path will work and which ones won’t.

Coach Pete: “That’s great. What’s the best part of that for you?”

Client: “It just brings me a lot of pleasure to contribute my best work. And there are times that I get so excited because I was the first one to see it and I just know it will work out. I feel like I’m ‘in my zone.’”

Coach Pete: “Is there any downside to that excitement?”

Client: “Well, now that you mention it, it can also be frustrating. Sometimes the answers come so fast I have a hard time verbalizing them. And when my coworkers don’t see the answers as quickly as I do, I lose patience with them and can cut them off when they want to keep discussing it. One time, someone even said I come off as condescending. I think it’s getting in the way of my career advancement.”

Perhaps this person works with you, or maybe it is you. On the one hand, you might really appreciate these “super powers,” and on the other hand, you find them “super annoying!”

Why is that?  What makes a talent so valuable in one situation, but then not so helpful — maybe even harmful — in another? The answer lies in knowing when: when to feature your talents, and when to hold back until a more opportune time comes along.

“To the man with a hammer everything looks like a nail.”  

- Mark Twain

Have you heard this quote before? It shows our tendency to over-use one our strengths. When we realize that we can help in one situation, we try the same approach in every situation.

In the example above, the client knew she was doing her best work when using her powerful “hammer” talent of strategic thinking. Subconsciously, she thought, “What would make the session even better? Even MORE strategic thinking!” However, seeing the solution is one thing, but building a team consensus around the solution is a separate process. The client didn’t realize the effect that her excitement was having on her coworkers. She needed self-awareness to know when to let her strategic thinking shine, and when to put it on the back burner until everyone else could get up to speed.

This exact scenario might not register with you personally, but people overplay their strengths in a variety of ways. Consider this short list of examples:

• The harmonizer loves to help find a consensus and make peace. But, overused, they can squelch dissent and kill difficult discussions that sometimes need to happen.

• Someone with a commanding presence is invaluable during times of chaos to clear confusion and set direction. But, when things are stable, they can be abrasive and overbearing.

• Analytical types are great when the team needs accuracy and thorough insights. Not so much when a quick “good-enough” decision needs to be made.

• You need creative idea people when you’re innovating and pioneering. But those same traits can be disruptive when your team is in strict execution mode.

• The ability to enforce policies consistently across an organization leads to sense of fairness and stability. Taken too far though, it becomes rigid, even when flexibility is needed.

• Personalized attention to develop a customized solution will delight a client. But, that approach won’t scale if your team wants to reach a broad market.  

Making it work

So how can you find balance? Anyone can develop the ability to manage their talents, but you’ll probably need some help along the way. Here are some things to keep in mind.

1. Self-awareness. You need to be able to clearly understand and articulate your talents. After all, you can’t manage them if you don’t know which ones you have.  Having a clear framework and a language to describe them is crucial.

2. Gallup CliftonStrengths is a good place to start. Their new report format has some big changes that are worth checking out. If you took the assessment a while ago, dust it off and go online to get the Full 34 report. It’s filled with new insights customized to your unique strengths combination.

3. Get coached around your strengths. I’ve seen firsthand how my clients gain huge insights from the WeAlign approach in order to maximize their strengths and manage their weaknesses (disclaimer: I’m a WeAlign Certified Coach and partner).

4. Find an accountability partner to give you feedback when they see you overusing your strengths. Actively solicit their observations when you work together.

5. Practice. And be patient with yourself. You may not see immediate changes, but over time, anyone can increase their self-awareness. Like any other skill, if you stick with it long enough you can get good at it.

Which of your strengths might you be overusing? Did any of the scenarios listed above touch a nerve? Has anyone ever told you to tone it down a bit? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments on the subject.

NYC Relief is super effective in training and deploying volunteers. I just finished my fifth trip with them, and each experience has been worthwhile and fulfilling. Getting right into the mix to hear these people’s stories, lending a hand, and just showing some kindness has taught me a lot about the common needs we all have.

David is a Bahamian immigrant who works a security job, but arthritis in his ankle forces him to use crutches and he can no longer walk his rounds. He was thankful to get soup and bread to help cut costs so he can pay his (subsidized) rent. And he was grateful to receive prayer for his ankle, but mostly he was glad to just be able to tell his story to someone who was willing to connect with him and appreciate him.

Maria was one of several mothers who come to get bread, socks, and anything else we have to help her family. When I asked her if she would like us to pray for anything, it was all about the needs of others - not for herself. These women are doing their best to hold their families together against tough odds, and I have huge respect for them.

Shiv struggles with alcoholism. He hates it and wants to quit, but hasn’t beaten it yet. He’s currently living on the street because he’s had bad experiences in shelters. He has a family in LA that cares and prays for him. He really hopes things can turn around. The Relief Bus is able to direct him a number of services for housing healthcare, work, and addiction treatment.

It’s far too convenient for me to lump people into a category like “homeless,” especially in New York. But I try to remember that we’re all people, and we all need dignity and respect. Each one has a story, and very few chose the circumstances that landed them in their situations.

I count it a privilege to be used by God to share his love and care for each of the people He loves so much.

Here’s their home page https://newyorkcityrelief.org/
Here’s how to support them https://newyorkcityrelief.org/get-involved/

If you live in the greater NYC area, I highly recommend volunteering on the Relief Bus sometime soon. It’s well run, safe, and the experience will give you a new perspective on life.

There’s an old Yiddish proverb, “Man plans and God laughs,” which summarizes the fact that life doesn’t always go as planned. Entrepreneurs and startup pioneers know this truth especially well. In fact, having led several startups myself, I’ve come to expect that the path to success will almost never be what I had originally planned. That introduces a quandary into my planning process - since I know that the plan won’t ultimately work out, why should I even try to make a detailed plan? Granted, that sounds silly, but for someone who isn’t a natural planner to begin with, it’s caused me a good amount of angst. But somewhere along the way, I discovered a metaphor that really helped me make sense of things: effective planning requires both a Treasure Map and a Road Map approach.

Treasure Map

Think of the treasure maps you’ve seen in fictional stories. They’re sketchy, not drawn to scale, show a circuitous route from landmark to landmark, and sometimes have hidden clues along the way. When you follow a treasure map, you’re in for an adventure, and it’s not for the faint of heart or those who get hung up on details. And when the going gets tough, it’s the allure of discovering the treasure that helps the explorers persevere. I can’t think of a more fitting metaphor for the journey of growing an early-stage company. Even though there are general success principles to follow, the path doesn’t come with clear instructions - it’s a journey with only vague milestones for guidance, and plenty of learning opportunities and plot twists along the way. The treasure map approach has some real limitations when it comes to planning. When it comes to execution, your team needs a solid plan with action steps, timelines, and measurable goals. A treasure map provides none of those.

Road Map

A road map approach reflects a very different mentality. Think of the maps app on your smartphone. It calculates the fastest, most direct route possible with step by step, turn by turn, directions. It tells you exactly what to do, and when to do it. Your expectation is efficiency, accuracy, and no surprises. And when things get confusing, it serves as a reference guide for the team to keep executing on the plan. When it comes to operational planning and execution, a road map mentality works well. Seeing the end from the beginning helps the workers plot incremental steps for success. Budgets, timelines, and resource planning all contribute to ensuring the plan runs as smoothly as possible. However, over-reliance on the road map approach isn’t wise for early-stage companies. Your team can get lost in the details and lose sight of the big picture. And when a major disruption comes (and one will – count on it), the plan will need to be modified and the previous efforts that went into planning the details get wasted.

True Story

Take the example of one of my startups to see how these dynamics play out. We were the first commercial anti-spyware company back in the early 2000s, and we built the company from zero to $16 million in revenue in just three short years. Sounds great, but we had to make some major pivots along the way. Our team knew the anti-virus industry players very well, so we thought that working with them would be the obvious path to success, but that wasn’t the case. Neither the vendors nor their end users wanted to admit that their existing AV products didn’t catch spyware trojans, so our positioning strategy quickly hit a brick wall. Ultimately we found a different pathway to success (contact me if you want the details), and we wound up getting acquired for a healthy multiple by an industry giant. Now, if our team had only used a road map approach, we would have given up when we hit those dead ends, because they looked like an apparent failure. The treasure map mentality allowed us to pick up some fresh clues along the way and follow a non- obvious path. If we only had a visionary treasure map mentality, we wouldn’t have executed well enough to drive up the revenue so quickly. Our chances of getting acquired would have been greatly decreased.

Getting Practical

The reality is that you need a high-level vision and you need tight execution. It’s not an either/or scenario; it’s both/and. So here’s my recommendation the next time your team has a planning session. First, lay out your treasure map the way you think it will work out over the long haul (multiple years). Identify your big landmarks along the way, and define what the treasure is at the end of the journey. (Tip: this exercise is great if you use non-traditional, visual methods to build that map – dream big and have fun!).

Second, identify the next landmark/milestone on the treasure map. That might be the next product ship date, when you acquire a certain # of customers, or simply the next calendar quarter. Whatever it is, don’t let it extend beyond three to six months.

Third, map out a detailed execution plan (your road map) between the planning session and that milestone. Consider expenses, realistic revenue projections, resources needed, timelines, and use best practices project planning. Don’t plan beyond the stated Milestone.

Now, go execute according to the road map. And stick to the plan. New opportunities will arise. Disruptions will come. You might get bored. It doesn’t matter - stick with the plan. Unless there’s a real situation that threatens the very viability of your entire company (very rare), everyone sticks with the plan.

When you reach the milestone (or even if you missed it), pause and do your planning again. Debrief with your key stakeholders. What part of the road map worked? What didn’t? What did we learn? What do we need to change? What do we need to keep on doing?

Now go back to the treasure map. View the answers to the debriefing questions in the previous step as if they are the clues that you needed to gather along the way in order to discover your next landmark. Get agreement on what the next landmark should be, and repeat the cycle all over again.

Next Steps / Challenge to Action

In the end, the maps are more than just guidance tools - they reflect different mentalities. Knowing which mentality to adopt for which purposes will go a long way in charting your path and leading your team to success. I hope you found this helpful. Let me know what’s worked for you – I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Want to hear more of my thoughts about these two maps? Watch my video below.

One of the best parts of coaching is helping clients discover new ways of thinking.  There are moments during a session when a brilliant flash of understanding breaks in on their mind, and they suddenly see things from a completely different vantage point. People use different terms to describe this phenomenon such as “revelation,” “epiphany,” or even “prophetic.”

No matter what term you use, it’s become one of my favorite aspects of coaching. Especially when my client is the one producing the “ah-ha” moment on their own and I’m just the facilitator.

After I reflected on my many coaching engagements, I noticed five different patterns of ways these tend to occur.

1. When my client is stuck in a certain situation and I’m able to suggest a new perspective that they hadn’t considered before. That opens up new ways of thinking which rapidly spawns fresh insights on how to get unstuck. Mind blown!

2. After listening to all the component parts of a situation, sometimes I can connect the dots in a different way than my client had been associating them. Same facts + new relationships between the facts = new outcomes.

3. At times I’m an editor. As a neutral party I can help them selectively delete what isn’t critical as they sort through an issue. By the time we’re done only the essential factors remain, and the path forward becomes crystal clear.

4. Retelling the narrative of their past.  Past events don’t have intrinsic power - it’s your narrative of those events (the story and meaning that you ascribe to them) that holds the power.   I have a gift to help people consider alternative explanations, and at times it’s truly transformational.

5. My favorite of all these has to be when I get to call out someone’s destiny.  Clients know when that moment connects because it reverberates in their soul. They get that sense of “This is what I was born for - my purpose in life.” In the midst of that clarity, peripheral issues quickly take a back seat and it becomes obvious what needs to take priority as they move forward.

In reality, these moments don’t just happen in isolation. They usually sneak up unannounced in the midst of a coaching engagement. But when they come, they literally have the power to change a life.

Just another reason I decided to become a coach.

How about you?  Was there a time when an “Ah-ha” moment changed the way you think?  Tell us about it below.

I am NOT naturally gifted in either focus or discipline (just ask my wife).  So why did I decide to blog about them? First of all, I have huge appreciation for people who are strong in them. And second, there are important life lessons you can learn when you have to operate in your areas of weakness.

In this blog I talk about ways to stop beating yourself up for what you’re not, and find other strategies to help supplement your weaknesses. These principles work for any area where you may lack natural talent. I hope they help you as you watch the short video below.

I've recently coached several clients through some barriers they have when it comes to delegating.  It's interesting how the same issues come up over and over again across different settings and with different people.  So I thought I'd share some of the insights that I've picked up along the way.

One particularly significant shift happened along the lines of issue #5 in this week's video blog.  Despite logic, encouragement, and setting multiple deadlines my client just could not let go of a certain role he was filling.  So instead, we devised a new role and new title for him that would bring him into the next phase of his life.  He agreed he didn't have the energy to do both, so as he embraced his new role he willingly let go of the old one, and only then was he happy to delegate it to someone else.

I hope the insights in this video give you a new way of looking at things, especially where you might be stuck holding on to things that you should hand off to someone else.

How about you?  Do you struggle with any of the five issues in the video? How about one that's not on the list?  Please share any insights you've gotten so the rest of us can benefit from your experiences.

Blessings on you.

Does this scenario sound familiar?  "I have a great idea, and a vague picture of how to make it happen, but it’s not crystal clear to me.  I’m fuzzy on the details.  So I’m going to think about it some more until I can get more clarity."  Then one, three, or even five years later you’re still thinking about the same idea and haven’t done anything about it.

That’s me.  And that happens far more often that I’d like to admit.  Here’s why...

To stay inspired, download the "Action Begets Clarity" poster here

No charge.

Go to http://www.petecoaching.com/downloads/

Enjoy!

Lately, I find myself looking forward to the end of Summer and the beginning of Fall.  Manhattan is an odd culture - the place pretty much shuts down over the summer.  Or at least it slows way down.  Lots of people leave for months at a time to escape the crowded city craziness that you learn to both love and hate.

So summer is not what you would call a “productive” season business-wise.  People aren’t setting aggressive goals, they are harder to reach due to travel, and they don’t make many spending decisions.  

When I was in IT sales, Summer was always the lowest revenue quarter.  We would often get frustrated because the leaders setting revenue projections didn’t take into account seasonal variations, so it looked like we underperformed during the summer.  Every.  Single.  Year. 

Thankfully, over time the CEO finally saw the pattern and learned to adjust expectations accordingly.  And that right there illustrates an important key to satisfaction -  know what season you’re in, and make realistic goals that consider the unique variations.

Notice I didn’t say LOWER you expectations.  Instead, I suggest a SHIFT.  If you know that your business cycle slows down in summer, then take advantage of that time to shore up critical systems, marketing materials, and customer service processes.   If you go to a lot of industry conferences in the Spring, then combine your travel with visits to key customers.

Things get a lot easier when you learn to work with the rhythms and season of life.  Those variations are a gift.  But if you fight against them expecting consistent performance all the time, you’ll be constantly frustrated.  And I don’t want you to be frustrated.

So what about you?  Is there a certain period each year that you’ve come to dread?  Write it down. What’s unique about that season?  What is it trying to tell you?  Now ask yourself - how have your expectations been fighting against the natural rhythm?  And finally, how can you adjust your expectations and activities to leverage that season to your advantage?

Bonus tip: this works in all areas of life - not just business.

I wish you well.

Do you hide your brilliance
   or at least tone it down a notch or two
   so that you appear above average (which is OK)
   but not exceptional
   because that would be prideful
   or arrogant?

Have you been so conditioned by Average
   that you automatically bully yourself
   without even thinking about it
   and tell yourself the comfortable lie
   that you’re just being Humble
   by suppressing the exceptional you?

Because if you really shine
   others may get jealous
   you’ll have critics
   your convenient friends might leave
   or you might publicly trip
   or have to face your own insecurities

Do you see how this is still all about you?
   It’s self-centered
   negative, yes, but still self-centered
   so let’s call it what it is
   an imposter
   False Humility

True Humility takes guts
   to embrace the exceptional you
   and let it shine
   and face criticism
   and ignore your internal bully
   and pick yourself

But then you’re on the hook
   to actually do something
   excuses taken away
   hard work required
   maybe that’s why it was easier to hide
   but that was before

Now you can get to work
   doing what matters
   making a difference
   being an example
   pushing yourself to higher levels
   and being truly humble

That’s such a watchable movie scene because: a) it’s Sandra Bullock!  And b) It pokes fun at the safe answers that contestants can give at beauty pageants.  They’re all trying to sound profound, but they just parrot each other and lose all meaning in the process.  

Unfortunately, the majority of professionals do something similar when it comes to their career positioning.

In this week's vlog I'll show you why this backfires and what you can do about it.  
(Shout out to Jim Longo for the idea)

I've used a wide range of assessment tools for my clients over the years - some with mixed results. But I like Gallup CliftonStrengths so much, that I just wrapped up my certification training to become a Strengths Champion Certified Coach.  

If you haven’t heard of the Gallup CliftonStrengths assessment (formerly Clifton StrengthsFinder), it ranks 34 different talent areas from highest to lowest specifically tailored to you. 

The assessment is based on decades of research that shows investing in your talents brings a much higher return in productivity than the same effort spent trying to improve your weaknesses.  

So far I’ve coached over 60 hours with my clients using this tool, and have gotten consistently good feedback.  Here are the top three reactions I get from my clients when they see the results for the first time:

1. “I didn’t know this was a strength - I thought was a weakness!”  These people really need to be affirmed and appreciated for their contribution, but they've probably taken a lot of criticism over the years.  This is especially true if they have one of the strong influencing or leadership talents.  The takeaway?  Have the courage to develop those talents you've been suppressing.
    
2. “Why is this talent ranked so high on my list? It’s really not a big deal."  Then, after we explore the talent in depth, they'll start to see that it plays out over and over in their lives.  But it’s such an integral part of who they are, they just couldn’t identify it beforehand.   The key here is to realize that your talents are unique and powerful.  Then you'll be able to develop them further.
   
   And finally...
    
3. Guilt relief over their weaknesses!  Years of striving to improve an area of weakness that yields little progress does a number on their self-esteem.  They find freedom when they realize they don’t need to be someone who they’re not designed to be.  That’s not an excuse to slack off.  But the better approach is to partner or manage around a weakness rather than investing in it in hopes that you'll be great someday.

WeAlign is a coaching company that has a powerful process to walk their clients through CliftonStrengths.  I like it so much that I joined the company :-)   We cover all 34 talents, not just the top 5, and I’ve seen great results using this method with my clients.  Check us out at www.wealigncoaching.com

Thanks for reading.  If you found this helpful, please like and share it.  
And feel free to contact me if you have any questions about CliftonStrengths or WeAlign.

As I was driving down the Palisades Parkway checking my side and rearview mirrors, I started think about blindspots.

We typically think about personality blindspots in a negative sense, and rightly so.  Jesus says in Matthew 7:3, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye?"  It's easier to see faults in others than it is to see them in ourselves.

But what about our talents?  My clients have shown me firsthand that many of them are unaware of their exceptional talents.  Or, if they are aware, they greatly undervalue them.  And I tend to do the same thing.
Unfortunately, that can lead to bigger problems than you might think. 

Watch the video below to hear the full story.

Sometimes the biggest barrier to success is... success!

I know that we've all been taught that success breeds more success, that it builds momentum, and is just generally awesome.  All true.

But sometimes, a prior big win can have a powerful delusional effect, causing you to think that you have this success thing down to a formula.   Then you try to re-apply that formula to your new situations but, you don't get the same results.

And here's why - often times your personal "big win” had other factors involved that you may have conveniently overlooked.  For instance:

• The quality of your team usually has a much bigger impact than you realized while you're working with them.  
   
• The company's leadership made good decisions to create the right environment and give you a platform to succeed.  Without those you wouldn't have had a chance
   
• You might have just been in the right place at the right time with the right product or service.  In other words, you got lucky.  But the success story that you tell yourself is that your own brilliance saved the day.

Truth be told, this is what happened to me.  Click the short video below to hear my story as well as some practical tips to get unstuck if you're in a similar place.  

There’s more success waiting for you down the line - maybe even your biggest win yet - and I want to make sure that you keep moving forward.

Both your identity (who you are) and your performance (what you do) are important, but the way you prioritize them makes all the difference in the world.  

A good friend of mine was an engineer at a clothing manufacturing company. He was "in his zone" using his talents and skills, and got great results for the company.  

He was an outgoing, gregarious guy. So In order to “reward” him for his strong performance, the CEO promoted him to a new role in public relations so he could travel globally with the C-suite.

But having to tell half-truths and constantly “spin” bad news as the PR contact really went against my friend’s core values. And in a matter of a weeks he was in the hospital with heart palpitations due to anxiety.

The demands to perform were violating his identity.

This story has a happy ending, though.  Join me in this short video as I unpack how identity and performance play off of each other, and show how you can leverage them to your advantage.

You might be thinking that this blog title is science fiction.  And that unless someone invents time travel, the past is fixed and there’s nothing you can do about it.  

Well, there actually is something very powerful you can do about it.  Because when you change the story, it changes everything!  

I'd love to hear how this principle has worked for you.

Permalink

]]>Pete CafarchioTue, 24 Apr 2018 13:06:38 +0000http://www.petecoaching.com/blog/2018/4/24/flipping-your-job-hunt-on-its-head53e031b0e4b09fb957e34b32:53e2a881e4b086dd8cc8ffa4:5adf263203ce64714c94baa4

In today’s blog, I share a story of how I did a "one-eighty" in my job hunting process.  It was so revolutionary that it changed the entire way I think about my career.

I've seen this process work for many of my clients.  I hope it encourages you and gives you a new way of seeing how you can make a difference in the world.

Note: I received more likes and comments on my last blog post about clarity than any other so far.  So I thought I’d unpack the topic a bit more.  I hope that one of these speaks to you so that you can get unstuck and keep moving forward.

Killer #1 - Looking for a Silver Bullet.  This killer comes from thinking that clarity on your life purpose will answer every unsolved issue in your life.  It won’t.  To be sure, clarity does help to “make sense” of life and brings focus and energy, but we’re talking about an overarching concept here.  Clarity doesn’t need to address every nuanced detail of your talents, history, and desires.  In fact the simpler it is, the more powerful its effect.

The antidote? Lower your expectations and learn to dance with the mysteries of life.  Look for the one thing that you really want to do, that uses your favorite talents, and propels you to make a real difference in the world.  Everything else is window dressing.

Killer #2 - Keeping your options open.  Are you hedging your bets?  Love to have a backup plan?  Honestly, that’s actually just the fear of failure.  But real clarity requires me to pick a path and say “no” to other options.  In fact, that’s a big part of its power - it clears away the clutter.  No more wandering around trying to find the perfect fit.  Just make up your mind and go for it. 

You might be under this killer’s influence if your life purpose statement overly broad.  Far too many people tell me their purpose is “To help people wherever I can,” or “To make the world a better place.”  If that’s your situation, you’ll need to do some deeper soul-searching and get more specific. 

Killer #3 - Expecting a lightning bolt to accompany it, or the Hallelujah Chorus, or goosebumps.  Fill in your expected epiphany signal here _______.  Clarity on your life purpose is so meaningful that when it shows up you may think it will arrive with fanfare.

But here’s the truth - because you live with yourself every day, and your exceptional talents come so easily to you, the tendency is to discount them as ordinary.  In fact, chances are very good that in the past month someone in your life complimented you on a key part of your life purpose, but it barely registered.  You may have even thought, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”  And your search continues for something else “out there.”

Here's a helpful hack - be on the alert for unsolicited compliments and write them down. They’re a big clue to the strengths others see in you that you might be missing.

Hyper-hack - Speed up the process by proactively soliciting feedback from your friends and family.  You could try any one of these or make up your own:
     - What do you think are my top 5 strengths?
     - What’s the main impact that I bring to the world?
     - What do I seem most passionate about?

Killer #4 - Thinking that it’s locked in stone.  This one says, “How can I say with any kind of certainty what I’ll be doing twenty years from now?  My interests have already changed multiple times so far in my life, so they’re bound to change again.” 

The best way to deal with this one is to just accept that your understanding of your life purpose will change over time.  In fact, if it doesn’t change then you’re not growing as a person.  But that doesn’t get you off the hook of needing a guiding compass now. 

Try setting your sights only on the next three years and say, “To the best of my knowledge about the world and myself at this point in time, my purpose in life is _________.”  Then date it, and revisit it in 3-5 years. 

Killer #5 - Lack of self-awareness, is one of the most common hindrances.  Do you know how you’re wired?  Are you in touch with your passions and desires?  When do you feel like you’re most alive?  This is where skilled coaching can make a big difference. A certified life coach is trained to help you quickly gain clarity through assessment tools and powerful questions, and has a trained ear to be a sounding board. 

One of the greatest joys I have is helping my clients sort through the clutter in their minds to get in touch with their calling.  Then they can see their past life events differently, which transforms their outlook for the future.  Powerful!

Did I miss something?  What’s keeping you from zeroing in on your calling and being able to state it with confidence?  Let’s talk.

For years I struggled with the concept of understanding my “calling” or life purpose.  I know that I want to make a difference in the world, and I try to do that in small ways each day.  But I have a wide variety of interests, skills, and talents that don’t seem to come under one cohesive idea that I could say is my “calling.” 

This really bugs me, and it has for years.  Especially when someone asks me what I'd really like to do, or when I need to set some long range goals.  These trigger a downward spiral of angst and thoughts of “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

For decades I labored under a wrong mindset that clarity on my calling would come to me in an a-ha moment.  It would appear as some new overarching concept that would corral my complexity, explain why I am the way I am, and blaze a path forward into my future. 

But that magic moment never came.  I’d get insights and glimpses along the way, but then I’d complicate them with thoughts of “OK, but what about this area, and this skill, and this experience?  Where do they fit in?”  And then I’d be back in a muddle.

Then one morning I was journaling and I had an insight that changed everything.  Clarity isn't about explaining everything in your life.  Instead, it’s identifying the one thing that you know you want to do - that thing that’s already inside of you - and not getting distracted by everything else. 

It’s actually a process of removal - of burning off the fog of complication and outside expectations so only the one thing remains - and then protecting its simplicity.

So I decided to run with this new mindset.  I asked my gut, “without thinking about it, if someone asked you what your purpose is, what would you say?” And I just blurted it out – “Helping people find their calling.” (ironic, huh?)

This didn’t come as a lightning bolt - in fact it was kind of underwhelming.   I’ve been doing this for so long and I’m so close to it that I actually devalued it.   I thought that if it was that important it needed to be harder, or more complex, or more difficult.  Turns out that’s not the case.

Now I’m using my mental energy to keep it simple and not overcomplicate it.

How about you?  What's your main thing?  Are you overcomplicating it or thinking it’s not good enough?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Have you ever found yourself being overwhelmed by all the different options available to you?  The last time I went on Amazon to buy something, they presented me with so many varieties and price points that it almost took me longer to make a selection than it would have been to go to the store and just buy the thing.

If this has happened to you, it could be the way you’re processing your decisions.  Let me explain…

Throughout your school years and in most adult job situations, your brain has been trained to make the “right” choice or the “best” choice among many options.  And when you succeed, you reward yourself with a positive feeling that you’ve conquered an assignment, or even that you’re a better person because you chose “correctly” and didn't make a mistake.

Unfortunately, when faced with a choice that’s simply a matter of taste (movies, grocery items, clothing, etc.) it’s hard to turn that programming off, and your brain still automatically tries to find the best choice.  But in most cases there really isn’t a best choice, and your brain can get stuck in an endless cycle trying to figure things out.

A better way

The ah-ha answer for me came several years ago when I was sitting in a restaurant with my wife.  I was staring at the menu once again faced with too many choices, and I asked myself why I labor over this every time we go out to eat.  And then it hit me - I don’t need to pick the best entree in order to enjoy myself - I just need to pick something adequate.   And that simple revelation immediately freed up my brain to enjoy the rest of dining experience (being with my wife, a new atmosphere, being served, etc.).

So the next time you’re getting overwhelmed with choices, try this instead:

1. Ask yourself - Am I stuck trying to find the “best” choice?
2. Tell yourself (in matters of taste) that there’s no such thing as a best choice
3. Make an adequate choice instead
4. Feel good that you made a decision
5. Choose to enjoy the rest of the experience

Who knows? By choosing adequate, you just may begin to discover some new things that you’ve been passing over in search of the best.

Now, if I can just remember this the next time I need to pick a Netflix show...

In this short video, I tell a story of a woman who helped to open my eyes.  I hope you enjoy this little bit of my history...

True confession - I’ve been guilty of all these at some point - some more than others.  You?

When I think that the "rightness" of my cause exempts me from my obligation to treat everyone with respect
           I've become part of the problem

When I forget that I always carry a bias
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I can't acknowledge that an opposing worldview has any good points to consider
            I've become part of the problem

When I assume that I know all of someone’s beliefs
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I dismiss violence toward any person or group as justified “payback”
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I enjoy seeing my enemies humiliated
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I resort to vulgar language
            I’ve become part of the problem   

When I clean up my language to appear civil, but am no less insulting
            I've become part of the problem

When I support censorship (of any kind) to silence the opposition
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I mock the leaders of an opposing viewpoint…
When I mock everyday people who support that leader…
Heck, when I mock anyone
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I dismiss evidence simply because it came from an opposition source
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I resort to using red herrings, hypotheticals, and confuse the issue instead of engaging in logical debate
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I’m easily offended
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I become an offense broker for other people
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I’m intellectually arrogant
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I discount the life experiences that other people have been through
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that posting on social media fulfills my obligation to alleviate human suffering
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I de-friend someone simply because they hold a different viewpoint
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think “fake news” only originates in the other camp
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I only surround myself with people who agree with me
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that there are only two sides to any issue
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that I as a person am morally superior because my position is morally superior
            I’ve become part of the problem

When people close to me tell me to tone it down a bit
            I’ve become part of the problem.

When I never apologize or admit that I was wrong
            I’ve become part of the problem.

When my need to be right takes precedence over preserving a relationship
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I read this list and immediately think of other people who are guilty instead of looking at myself
          I've become part of the problem

Good news - it's never too late for an attitude adjustment.  If needed, now would be a good time to start.

I've been thinking how I can improve the gridlock and negativity around me.  Obviously I can't turn things around by myself, but I can change the way I engage people who disagree with me.  And I think Janus has one of the keys to do that.

Janus was the two-faced Roman god who had two different faces on the same head.  The month of January was named after him because it marks the end of the previous year and the beginning of the new one.  Looking forward and looking back at the same time.  You’ll might see him carved on some older buildings over the doorway because one door is an both entrance and an exit.  

“Janusian thinking” is the ability to understand that two apparently contradictory ideas can both be true at the same time.  

It’s easy to think “Either/Or” when you have a conflict (the answer is either my way or your way, and only one of us can be right).  But that just makes each side yell louder, demonizes the other guy, and brings out the inner jerk in all of us.

Try to think about it this way - just because you’re right doesn't mean the other side has to be wrong.  Both/And ("Janusian") logic sees the strengths from all sides and looks for win-win solutions.

Take the topic of immigration for example (note: this is a vast oversimplification to make a point - negative rants on the topic will be deleted).  One side argues for inclusion - that the United States was and should remain a welcoming, safe nation for immigrants of all races and backgrounds.  The other side argues for the rule of law - that immigration should be regulated and done in an orderly fashion to protect national security.  

These two positions aren’t opposites - they're just different.  Both sides have a part of the truth, and policies that actually work need to include both.

Immigration is a large scale example, but the principle applies to all kinds of conflicts, right down to your own personal relationships. 

When people in power force a one-sided solution, it isn't effective in the long run.  The other side feels alienated and resentful, and when they get a chance they’ll just undo the previous work that was done.

Don’t keep that cycle going.  If you want to be a positive force for lasting change, you’ll need listen to all sides and find win-win solutions.  

It will take some humility and maturity, but you can do it if you practice. 

P.S. A good place to start is The 7 Steps to Understanding Template

Help spread the goodness, and share this post

You've probably read or heard this phrase in the past year, "Our nation has never been more divided."  I don't know if that's exactly true (thinking of the American Civil War), but I do know that people from all camps seem to be getting more angry, judgmental, and close-minded without actually engaging one other.

How about if each of us decides to reverse that trend, one at a time, in our own small way?  One great way to get a better grasp on things is to humble yourself and truly listen to a different opinion in a non-judgmental way.  

To that end I'm offering the following discussion template - 7 Steps to Better Understanding.  All you need to do is find someone who doesn't agree with you on a given topic (shouldn't be too hard, eh?). Then work through these steps one at a time - no shortcuts.

Dr. Stephen Covey wisely wrote,“Seek first to understand, then to be understood." So when you work through the template you're not allowed to counter with your opinions.  Good listening requires that you shut down your "automatic-rebuttal-response" and just hear what the other person is saying.  It's not easy, but do-able with a little practice. 

So here it is.  

7 Steps to Better Understanding

1. Ask another person, “What is your opinion on ______?”
2. Ask, “What events in your life helped to shape your opinion?”
3. Respectfully (no sarcasm) restate their viewpoint in your own words.
4. Ask them if you got it right.  If yes, then go to 6.  If not…
5. Ask, “what part am I not getting?”  Listen, then go back to 3.
6. Ask them how this exercise made them feel
7. Only offer your opinion if they ask.  If not, you’re done. 

Notes:

• This method works for a wide variety of conflicts 
• The only goal is to understand their viewpoint.  You don't need to agree with it
• No sarcasm or arguing.  If you can't do that, it's a maturity problem on your part, not theirs.
• You haven't fully understood their opinion unless they tell you that you have (step 4)
• You should have no expectation that you'll get to offer your opinion.  If you do, that's a bonus

I'm going to try this a few times and will tell you what I learn.  How about if you give it a shot as well?  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Just a few observations from the evening...

1) It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear the stories of abuse, neglect, and dehumanization that some of the kids have gone through.  It truly makes you thankful for how good your own life has been.  But then to see the progress, healing, and resiliency they demonstrate through the help of Covenant House (“the Cov” as the kids call it) gives you renewed hope and encouragement.

2) I was very impressed with some cutting edge studies that the Cov is doing in the area of human trafficking.  They have top notch legal experts and sociologists who are serving with their expertise to get to the core of this problem, and their findings are being cited by other organizations globally because of the reliability of their research.  Come to find out that homelessness is a big risk factor for human trafficking.

BTW, when I hear “trafficking” I used to think “transport” or shipping people - as often seen on TV.  That does happen, but really 95% of the problem happens right at home with locals who are “groomed” by recruiters and then forced into being sex workers (85%) or manual laborers (15%).

3) You can literally “feel” the love and security in the property at The Cov.  They call it a “sacred space,” where everyone is treated with respect and dignity because they were made in the image of the God who loves them.  And I could see over and over through the testimonies and meeting the staff that they all live this out every day.  It makes a huge difference.

If you’re ever in the NYC area, consider visiting Covenant House in either Manhattan or Newark, NJ just to see the quality of care and to feel the amazing love that is available for the teens.   They arrive broken in so many ways but the joy of seeing lives being healed, and futures being restored will make you realize that your investment in Covenant House is well worth it.

May you and your families have a blessed Christmas season, and thank you again for being a part of the Sleep-Out.

Warmest regards,
Pete

P.S.  Enjoy some pictures from the event below.

The actual Sleep Out.  The hoodie came in handy to block out the light from the street, and earplugs help block the noise.  Much more bearable this year (48 degrees and no rain).

If you owned a Lamborghini, how well would you take care of it?

Lately, I’m pretty shocked at how rapidly the core morals of our society are being eroded and even legislated against. New social engineers are telling us that any restraints placed on our sexual behavior, gender identity, and value on human life are outdated, stifling, and are only there to keep us from experiencing true enjoyment.

But what if we’re looking at it the wrong way?  What if God’s commandments are really given to us because of His love for us?

I like to look at it this way.  Think of God as the manufacturer who made us – and we’re an incredibly complex machine capable of incredible feats.  He made a handbook to tell us how to operate and maintain our machine – the Manufacturer’s Manual.  That manual is the record of His commandments for us.

If we follow the suggested maintenance and usage guidelines, the machine operates at its optimum - the way is was designed to be.  If we ignore the instructions, the machine doesn’t run well, and may even suffer irreparable damage.

Can you imagine someone with an expensive Lamborghini saying, “I don’t care what the manufacturer says, I’m going to use this car any way I want to.  No one is going to tell me what to do!”  And then he never changes the oil, revs the engine too high in the wrong gears, puts the wrong sized tires on it, and tries to drive it off-road like a Jeep?  That would be crazy and it will ruin the car in very short order.

But I think that’s the way we act when we ignore our Manufacturer’s instructions.   God gives us His commands out of love.  He knows how He made us, what’s best for us, and what will hurt us.  He gives us behavioral boundaries for our lives because he knows that violating them will cause heartache, physical and psychological damage.  He loves us and wants the best for us.  

So next time you’re faced with radical statements telling you to embrace what God has clearly prohibited, just remember – He’s not trying to make you miserable.  He’s trying to protect you and help you function according to the design and purposes for which you are made.  And that is what brings true fulfillment.

“Be who you is. ‘Cause if you ain’t who you is,  then you is who you ain’t”  

I just love this quote (attributable to Harry Hein & others).  For some reason it’s common to identify an area where we have low or moderate ability and then compare ourselves to someone who happens to be an expert. The result is feeling inadequate and demoralized - it’s a real confidence killer.

My older brother, John, is a real charmer. He’s outgoing, funny, confident, and had big dimples when he was a kid making him the “mascot” of our neighborhood. He’ll still strike up a conversation with any stranger, and can quickly get them to open up to him.

Growing up in his shadow posed some challenges for me. No matter how hard I tried I never felt I could measure up in the same way, socially. And the more I tried to be like him, the more awkward things got. That led to me telling myself that I couldn’t socialize well. Which, if you know me today, just isn’t true.

The same might be true for you. Have you compared yourself to a very high standard of socialization and come up short? If so here are some things to tell yourself to help put things into perspective.

1) You probably couldn’t handle being highly popular, and you probably wouldn’t enjoy it either. We all have different capacities to manage friendships at different levels. Being socially popular takes a lot of time - time that you probably would prefer to spend on other things. 

2) Your talents point the way to your purpose – If you’re an introverted, detailed person who loves to focus on concrete facts rather than on people, chances are that your life purpose isn’t going to be in role that requires a high level of socializing and relational nuance.

3) High visibility brings it’s own set of problems and constraints, so don’t envy that popular person too much. They are always under pressure to remember multiple conversations, personal details, and the latest social politics that can change quickly. They need to be guarded about how they express their true opinions, and they face jealousy from others because of their popularity.

So instead of trying to be someone you’re not, why not focus on becoming the best you that you can be.

Don’t you just love watching a movie that “speaks” to you?  I just saw  Tomorrowland with Lynn this past weekend, and I loved the themes it highlighted. 

The central idea centers around the power to envision and create the future, and the courage of optimism.  (Spoiler alert) The George Clooney character represents a young boy genius full of inspiration and invention, but who gets cynical and jaded as an adult.  The Britt Robertson character is amazed at her first glimpse of the future and approaches it with wonder and hope.  When she meets Clooney, her optimism and his cynicism clash and sends them on some wild adventures.

Eventually they both meet the Hugh Laurie antagonist in the future.  His doomsday clock has the whole world convinced that the world is going to end soon and there’s nothing they can do about it. But eventually the good guys discover that the doomsday clock isn’t gaging the actual destruction of the world.  Rather it’s simply brainwashing people into giving up hope so that the forces of evil can take over (end spoiler).

I thought was a really great metaphor for how the mainstream media is affecting our culture -  trying their hardest to keep us feeling angry, victimized and fearful so that we have a diminished view of the future, and eventually lose hope.

I’m particularly concerned about the effect this has on young people.  If you believe in a fatalistic, doomsday scenario you won’t bother to engage in doing the hard work of building a better future.  Worst of all, the rest of us will never see the unique gifts that you have to offer. 

So what can you do to counter the negativity trap that surrounds you ever day?

1.     First of all, you need to recognize if you’ve developed a fatalistic worldview.  Do you think the Earth is going to be devastated because of global warming?   Are you convinced that racial tension is going to destroy your city?  Do you think the world is going to descend into chaos until you die or are raptured out of it?  If you think the future is pre-programmed and there’s nothing you can do about it, you won’t try to change things (after all they’re supposed to get worse, right?).

2.     Be careful regarding the media outlets you choose to receive your information from.  And yes, it’s always a choice.  Don’t be a passive consumer.  Start to question motives and agendas. 

3.     Pay attention to your emotional state.  If you find yourself getting consistently angry or afraid, then you’re being played.  That media company has found a way to tap into your core beliefs and manipulate you in order to increase their ratings.  Find a different news source, and do it soon.

4.     If the media you consume makes you feel like a victim that’s being oppressed by forces out of your control, they are coercing you so that you’ll depend on them to be your lifeline or your protector.  Very unhealthy.  Find another source.

5.     If the logic they feed you causes you to hate or distrust a particular group or individuals who don’t believe the way you do, they’re training you to be a hater and you’ve become part of the problem.  Find a better source.

6.     If some of the people you hang out with constantly rehash negative news, politely change the subject.  If they don’t take the hint, come right out and tell them that you hear enough bad news all day and you’re looking to enjoy some positive company, so let’s change the topic.

7.     Replace negative media sources with positive ones.  And if you hear some good news, repeat it.  Help spread optimism to others.  For example I love to read about scientific breakthroughs and inventions.  So when I read about one, I’m sure to post it on social media or talk it up with my friends.  You can do the same with stories and videos that highlight goodness.

So what news sources have you found that are balanced and don’t pull you into a negative mindset?  Please let the rest of us know in the comments section.  This is your chance to share it with others who could benefit.

My first year out of college was one of the toughest that I faced up to that point in my life.

I started my first professional job as an engineer.  I moved to a different state and begin to carve out a life for myself.  But after a month or so, I was like, "Hey why is it so hard to make friends all of a sudden," and I really started to feel the loneliness.  And that actually got worse as the months went along.

My wife had a similar experience.  In fact a lot of people will tell you that their first few years out of school were really tough. 

Why is that? 

First of all, in school you were surrounded by people your own age, and you had a lot in common with them.  So it was easy to make friends.  When you get into the "real world" your peers in your age group is just a small percentage of the people you need to interact with, say, on a new job.  So making friends requires a lot more work.

Second, because your pool of potential friends was large when you were in school, you didn't really need to deal with people that weren’t easy to get along with.  If someone has a difficult personality you just moved on to find a better friend.  But in the real world your pool of candidates is much smaller so you can't afford to be as picky.  And you’ll have to learn to deal with those difficult people.

And then third, in school you really didn't need to understand the basics of forming friendships.  The educational system is an artificial environment, and friendships just happen naturally.  Now that you're on your own you're going to have to be a lot more intentional, and learn those basic fundamentals.

So how do you do that? 

Well you’ll need to educate yourself.   I've made available a free ebook for you on this subject.  It's short (it's less than twenty pages so it's an easy read), and it's called, “How to Make the Friends You've Always Wanted."

When you read it, you’ll better understand how friendships progress and how to set appropriate expectations.  And it's loaded with practical tips to improve your social skills.  You can download it using this link http://www.petecoaching.com/download/friendship

It's going to take some work, practice, and adjustments on your part to build your friendship base up to where you want it to be.  But when you're armed with good knowledge it’s much easier. 

I want you to succeed and not make the same mistakes that I did.  So I'm wishing you all the best, and especially to the new class of 2015! 

In the last blog entry, we established that if people aren’t reciprocating your friendship attempts, they may be otherwise preoccupied so you shouldn’t take it personally.  They might be subconsciously saying, “it’s not you - it’s me.”

But what if it really is you?  What if the reason you’re having a hard time making friends is because you keep accidentally sending the wrong signals?

To get some background, download my free ebook, How to Make the Friends You've Always Wanted.  The last section has a list of practical tips you can use to improve your chances of social success.  

First, ask yourself if you’re doing any of these blatant no-no’s:

• You don’t properly introduce yourself
• You seldom smile.
• You have some bad manners
• Your breath is offensive
• Your grooming is sloppy
• You ask personal questions too quickly instead of warming up with small talk
• You have a self-pity complex
• Even if the chemistry is wrong, you still try to push for a connection
• You judge people and pigeonhole them
• You’re preoccupied and not engaged in the moment
• You dump your emotional baggage before you’ve earned someone’s trust
• You share inappropriate personal details
• You talk about sad topics like death, health problems, or your crummy boss
• You talk about yourself too much and don’t show interest in the other person
• You don’t talk enough about yourself, leaving the other person with no sense of who you are
• You come across as a braggart by only talking about your accomplishments

Second, if things seem to go awry again and again for you, try to look for patterns. 

• Do people typically lose interest at a certain point in your conversations (like when you start to go into too much detail about your work project or your geeky hobby)? 
• Do you notice that they tend to pull back when you tell them sensitive personal information?  Stop doing that - it's backfiring on you.
• Do certain types of people tend to pull away from you?  Perhaps you have some bigoted attitudes you’re not aware of.
• Do you feel an icy chill come over your conversations when you start to spout controversial opinions?  Keep it more neutral and reserve your venting for your closer friends.

If you can spot the root cause in a pattern and then adjust as needed, you’ll have learned a powerful skill.  But that’s not an easy task given that we all have blind spots.  That’s where a trusted third party can act like a coach.  Ask them to shadow you as you socialize and then give you honest feedback about ways you can improve.  And then _listen_ to their feedback without getting defensive.

And third, examine your overall state of mind and attitude. Don’t let these bad-boys continue to trip you up:  

• Self-pity - I'm just doomed to failure due to forces beyond my control
• Self-centeredness – your world revolves around only your thoughts and interests
• Lack of respect for peoples’ boundaries and comfort zones.

These take more time and deeper reflection to identify and root out, but don’t despair.  The fact that you’re reading through this shows your desire to grow.  Give it time, don’t quit, and continue to get feedback from some trusted friends.  They'll usually be more than happy to help you improve.

So be honest.  Has it really been you from time to time?  If so, what have you done to adjust your course?

In a classic Seinfeld episode, George Constanza thinks he’s found the ultimate break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  How can you argue with the logic behind “There’s nothing wrong with you – I just have some issues”? 

But the same thing can happen when you’re trying to build your friendships.

I recently published an ebook – “How to Make The Friends You’ve Always Wanted” (it’s free and only 19 pages).   It describes the process of how friendships are built, and gives practical ways to amp up your social life.  But every once in a while you’ll find someone who seems like they’d be a great close friend, and they just don’t take you up on your initiative.  You might even try three or four times with all of your efforts falling flat.

Depending on your level of security that could really set you up for some self-doubt.  “What’s wrong with me?”  “I really want to be friends with that person, but why won’t they reciprocate?”  “Am I coming across too strongly?”

The good news is that most likely it’s not you - it’s them.  Most people won’t come right out and tell you why they’re passing you by, but they could be dealing with any number of issues:

• Their schedule is just way too busy 
• Their capacity to handle meaningful friendships is full right now
• They may be dealing with an issue like a death, major illness, or a tough breakup
• They may be in a controlling/abusive relationship that limits their freedom
• They may have been burned by someone in the past and tend to keep people at arm’s length
• You might remind them of someone unpleasant from their past
• The “chemistry” might just be off
• _________________ fill in the blank with your own reason

If you’re truthful, you’ve probably dismissed someone else’s friendship forays at least once in your life.  Can you remember a time like that?  What was your reasoning?  It probably seemed justified to you at the time, just like it does for this person.

So how do you handle it?  What can you do?

1. Don’t take it personally – tell yourself that everyone has issues from time to time
2. Grieve about it if you need to
3. Try again in 1-3 weeks/months with that same person (depending on what they told you)
4. If your feelings got hurt in the process, forgive them
5. If they were outright rude, be intentionally kind the next time you see them.  You have no idea what they might be up against
6. Keep building up your acquaintance and peer friends pool so that you’ll have more candidates to pick from
7. Let it remind you to renew your commitment to be friendly to people at all relationship levels

When you work up the nerve to invite someone to hang out and they pass, it can be discouraging. But instead of letting the incident derail your other friendship attempts, use it as a reminder to practice empathy.  After all, it’s not all about you.  It might be about them this time.

Can you name a particularly poignant time when someone didn’t reciprocate your friendship?  How did you handle it?  I’d love to know.

There are people in this world who are popular, naturally friendly, well-adjusted, and seem to make friends easily.  Socializing is one of their natural strong suits.  

I freely admit that I am not one of those people :-/    

I've had to learn to socialize the hard way - through trial and error, and along the way I lost potential friends because of the "error" part.   I had a sincere desire to be a friendly, positive person, but I also had unrealistic expectations.

For instance, in an effort to "speed things up" I had a tendency to reveal too much personal information too soon, and expected an acquaintance to reciprocate.  But the effect was that it just made people uncomfortable.

Somehow by the grace of God I did manage to pick up a few nuggets of wisdom through the years. So, in an effort to pass along the goodness to others, I went and compiled some of them into an eBook - "How To Make The Friends You've Always Wanted - and not lose the ones you already have." 

You can download it for free at https://www.petecoaching.com/friends-ebook

At less than 20 pages it's a quick read.

Let me know what you think.  Are there bits of wisdom that you could pass along to others?  What other topics do you think we should address in the future?  

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

Maturity is inconvenient.  

Maturity makes me face things head on and strips away my self-deception.  It’s like waking up on a cold winter morning wrapped in a snuggly blanket, but knowing you have to get out of bed.  Getting out from under that blanket and being embraced by the chilly air – yeah, it’s like that.   

For example, if I budget my time better, I have to say “no” to indulging my social media habit any time I feel like it.   

Confronting that coworker who disrespects me in front of my peers is uncomfortable.  I’d rather just smile and let it blow over and hope (aka “tell myself a lie”) that it won’t happen next time.  

If I forgive the person who hurt me, I might have to consider that he/she really isn’t full of evil and out to get me.  It takes effort to be gracious when I’d rather mentally rehearse revenge scenarios.  It also hurts my pride because I have to admit that there’s a possibility that I could be partly to blame. 

What might you need to deal with?

    Chronically making excuses
    Time management
    Money management
    Forgiving others
    Forgiving yourself
    Sharing credit
    Taking responsibility instead of blame shifting
    Confronting difficult people
    Asking others if I am the difficult person
    Being honest about your own prejudices
    Accepting limitations
    Putting others’ interests before your own
    (Fill in your immaturity blank here) __________
    (Go ahead - add another) ___________
    (And one more for good measure) __________
    
OK, the bad news is we all have areas where we get stuck.  But here’s the good news…

You get to decide how quickly you want to mature.

That’s right.   You can choose to prolong the process, hope other people will somehow pick up on your passive/aggressive “hints,” be overly sensitive, whine about it, and announce to everyone around you how your situation is so tough.  Or you can deal with your difficulty head on, face the pain and get it over with quickly. 

It’s kind of like removing a band-aid.  If you peel it off slowly it just prolongs the “ouch” factor.  You might as well just yank it off.  Yeah it hurts a bit more, but you get it over with all at once and then you move on and forget about it.  

Funny how when we face down our fears, they rarely amount to the disasters we thought they would be.  And then we just move on to better things.

So, what are some of the band-aids that you need to remove?  Do you have a story of how you avoided a maturity area, but when you finally acted it was far easier than you thought?  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you.

Did the trial subscription that came pre-loaded on your machine expire?  Time to do something about it.  

Here's an article with links to free programs that work well http://www.zdnet.com/pictures/free-antivirus-scanners-for-windows-pcs/

The stakes are too high (both to yourself and the other users that you might infect) to ignore this.

Added bonus: you'll be a good Internet citizen.

Photos - no pics of my team, but you can get a sense of the event and the companies that were represented.

And, because so many of you asked where I actually slept, check out the following (that's 10th Ave. right above us, and 41st Street to the right).  

This is a little more than half the group.

If it seems surreal, that's because it was.

I rode into the city on Thursday with team members and Sleepout veterans Richard Seidler and Dion Morreale.  We arrived at Covenant House (CH) around 4:30 PM, checked our bags, and got ready for the long night.

First up was a walk to Times Square for the vigil event highlighting the issue of teen homelessness.  Lynn was in the city that day and met me there.  After grabbing some pizza and great conversation with the new Goodwill Rescue Mission director, Dave Jones, we headed back to CH for their main presentation.  Stirring video testimonies, great stories, and a lot of positive energy really helped me capture what CH was all about.

But the best part was when they separated us into small groups to spend time with CH kids and staff workers where we heard their stories and asked questions.  This was the real deal - first hand accounts of kids who were living on the street, but now have hope, goals, and are moving forward with their lives.

I was most impressed with the amazing dedication of the outreach workers in NJ.  They literally search the highways and byways (and under bridges and boardwalks) looking for homeless youth, building up trust with them, and introducing them to a host of supportive services (not just shelter).

Each kid has a different story. They are people first, and each has unique dreams and goals just like the rest of us.  But they lost their housing along the way and went into survival mode.  I was surprised at how many of them were simply victims of tough situations.  Examples:

• Both parents died so she was out on her own
• Parents had too many mouths to feed so she had to make it on her own.
• Foster care situation was unbearable
• Both parents were drug addicts

All in all, it was probably the most impactful part of the evening.  But then is was time to gear up and change into warmer clothing.  The 251 other business execs and I claimed our patches in the small CH parking lot on the corner of 41st and 10th for the sleepout. 

CH gives you a sleeping bag and flat cardboard box as a barrier to the pavement.  Even though it was 28 degrees out, I kept relatively warm, but then the freezing wind would gust into my sleeping bag opening and wake me up. Over and over and over and over and over... until I figured out (4 hours later) to flip the direction of my sleeping bag so the wind was at my feet 

It was also very loud - New York truly is a city that doesn't sleep, and it doesn't halt construction projects happening right across the street either. Fortunately I brought earplugs.

You could go into the CH building if you got too cold, needed the restroom, or wanted a snack.  I took advantage of that twice.  And the space where we slept had barriers and security guards, so we felt safe.  We learned that's one aspect of teen homelessness that never quits - they are often taken advantage of and can never just relax or let their guard down. One girl told us how her "home" for a number of months was sleeping on subway trains.  She did this for months while attending high school and still managed to graduate. Amazing.

Rich woke us up to rise and shine at 5:45.  In all, I figured I got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep.  We packed up, grabbed a bit to eat, listened to personal reflections by the other volunteers, then headed back to Newark.

Some random observations:

• There were A LOT of participants from NJ.  I'd guess we were in the majority. Jersey!!
• Brian Cashman (NY Yankees GM) was sleeping out with us.  He's been a long time covenant house supporter, and just a regular guy - no celebrity aura there.
• Yes, you can hear the Lincoln Tunnel traffic (quite well) while trying to sleep there
• Yes, you can also hear the Port Authority buses (also, quite well) while trying to sleep
• CH really stands out as a top-notch shelter program.  And it boils down to the love of God working through people dedicated to serve.

Again, many thanks to all who supported me on this event.  It really changed my perspective, and I'm glad I was able to introduce many of you to the CH mission.  Overall, the group of 252 volunteers raised over $1.6 Million dollars to help homeless kids.  That's great!

Lynn and I at the Times Square vigil.  Note the nifty Covenant House souvenir hat!

So tonight I'm going to be sleeping on the street in NYC as part of an teen homelessness awareness event for Covenant House.

Here are some pre-event observations. 

1) Some of you know that I was a professional fundraiser for seven years at Paxton Ministries. It's interesting to be on this side of the fundraising process.  I used to tell my volunteers that the main reason people give time or money is because they are asked.  My involvement with the sleepout is bearing that out. 

The trigger for me to sign up was simply that my friend and mentor, Rich Seidler, invited me to be part of his team.

I was a little reluctant (rain, freezing, physical safety concerns), but since moving to New Jersey in 2008 my giving portfolio hasn't included enough focus on poverty issues. So I saw this as a chance to get off my butt, face the unknown, and finally do something about it.  

2) I have been BLOWN AWAY by the generosity of my friends, coworkers, and family in supporting this effort. Both in the size of the gifts and the number of people contributing.  It's very encouraging. 

3) Fundraising has come a long way since I was involved (pre-internet).  Covenant House has a nice website that makes it easy for volunteers to promote the event, send emails, collect and process donations, track progress and thank people.  My daughter had a similar experience when she set up a personal campaign for Charity: Water.  

4) I'm a little anxious (OK, more than a little) because the temperature is predicted to go down to 28 degrees tonight. So I'm obsessing over clothing layers, and what creature comforts to bring or leave home.  Then it hit me - these homeless kids have to face this every night!  Whoa, I feel like a whining baby.  So I'm even more eager to meet some of these kids tonight to hear their stories.

I already started to notice homeless people more when I was in Penn Station on Tuesday. Instead of ignoring them (for anyone about to get judgy on me, it's part of living in a major metro area - it happens - you get desensitized) I started reminding myself that each one is a real person with a back story.  I'm looking forward to a deeper dive tonight.  I need to be re-sensitized. 

5) Covenant House says the event is completely full and they have a waiting list.  Rich tells me that's a first!

Have you ever done anything like this?
Have you had an experience that sensitized you to poverty and gave you a new perspective?

OK, enough for now.   My next post will be post-event. 

http://online.wsj.com/articles/business-graduates-show-least-interest-in-their-work-poll-finds-1412222464

It's a quick read, but has big implications about life purpose and choosing what really matters. 

Summary quote: "My advice to Americans, especially young people, is that if you make a decision about what to major in based on how much money you want to make, you might end up disappointed, not only with your first job but with your overall career," said Brandon Busteed, executive director of Gallup Education.

Advice?  Instead of only thinking about money potential, discover your passions and talents and apply yourself there.  The money will follow.