Repressed Anger Release

Growing up

2012-04-24T11:48:00.001-07:00

One of my friends from college and high school came over to stay with me. While he was here, I could see the seeds of an angry, frustrated, un-empathetic jerk. What started off a small seed, grew to a big plant, and then night ended with me screaming at him in frustration and anger.
I think I saw some of my old self in him which made me realize how far I've come and how far I need to go. If you polled all my friends, and asked them if I'm an angry person, or if I'm an angry drunk, or if I get angry, contrary to what the blog title says, I'm actually very calm. I exhibit none of the outward symptoms of anger. I've dealt with a lot of repressed anger. I've found various avenues to release the pent up anger, I play video games, I write violent fiction. But these are temporary outlets - unless you find the root cause of your anger, you are not going to find peace.

My root cause has always been my family. For the few that read the blog, you understand what the problems are. It's a typical Indian mentality - a sense of pride for really not doing anything other than being born in a place. This mentality isn't restricted to just Indians - think of any racist culture, or white supremacists. I know I'm taking an extreme example, but the idea is the same, YOUR culture, somehow that you did really nothing to gain membership into is somehow BETTER than others, and if you go away from it, you are going to HARM it. This is absolute nonsense. Culture is how you live, not where you are born or the color of your skin, or your religion.

Still, holding on to the antiquated notion of culture, and that things will not work unless people are of the 'same culture' doesn't work anymore. Ideas of happiness have DRAMATICALLY changed in the last century, but unfortunately our parents don't understand and pressure us to do things they think will make us happy. I know if I'm a parent, all I can do is guide my children to make good decisions, but at the end of the day, I just want them to be happy. If they want to be an artist, instead of an accountant, that's totally fine. All I want from my children is, no matter what they pursue, they pursue it whole-heartedly.

I'm of the strong belief, that if you truly love something, and are passionate about it, you WILL struggle. Life WILL be hard. But that struggle and the joy of achieving what you are passionate about is the ultimate happiness. The joy that comes from achievement cannot be substituted by money, sex or anything else.
My parents firmly believed that I needed to study computer science and get an IT job to be successful, because, that's where the jobs were, and then if you get a job, you get money, and then you get happy. Something isn't right here. Money isn't happiness. They tell you this all the time, but they don't practice it, because they suck at money.

When you LIKE what you're doing, and you get good at it, guess what? The money just comes. It's almost stupid. You can make a shit ton of money and be dishonest and unhappy, and is that going to make your parents happy? It's not. I understand that we live in a society, and that there's a lot of peer pressure, but I think at the end of the day, the tough decisions have to be made.

I was lucky that I moved to another country and so I didn't have to deal with the society pressure, but if there's one thing I can tell all of you that are struggling with these issues is - MOVE. Get away. I know you don't have money. I know it's a huge risk. I know it could suck. But guess what? Do you just want to sit there and do nothing to improve your situation and contemplate suicide? Brothers and sisters out there - CHOOSE LIFE. Life is tough. There were times in my life, where I have lived on a couch for 4 months, had all my belongings in a laundry basket. I would eat twice a week and some days I would drink a cup of coffee to stave off hunger, but I would GLADLY do it again if it meant that I pursued what I was passionate about. Because through these difficult times, you gain independence, as well as control of your destiny. And freedom from the ABSURD shackles of your parents and your society.

The fight

2011-09-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. My life has changed (as life is wont to do). Things are getting heated up between the family. I got a call from the mother yesterday afternoon, and she launched into
"Have you forgotten your culture?"
"What?"
"Do you know that we are part of a Muslim culture, and an Indian culture and just because you are there doesn't mean you can forget that."
"What are you talking about?"
"The pictures on Facebook. I saw them"
"Oh, about the girl"
"What is that? I can never accept something like that"
"Oh really?"

I don't want to launch into what went after that except for a lot of screaming and some crying on her part. Mostly it ended with her saying I'll never be happy.

Is this a cultural thing? Why can't parents be happy if their children are happy? So essentially, I've written this whole blog about my anger, my hatred, and a lot of it stems from the anger towards my family. When I think about the word family, it conjures up tension, money, and anger. I have 0 positive feelings about family. And then, now they want to dictate how I start my family? I don't want their prescribed bullshit dose of 'happiness'. They are unhappy people. I'm happy. I don't want to be unhappy like them, and I'm a different person from them. It sounds indignant, but I'm standing up for what I believe is right.

If I bend to this - who I'm marrying - what is left? This is the single most important decision in my life, and I'm going to trust - MY PARENTS? Are you fucking crazy? They have been wrong about almost every single thing in life, and I'm showing them what it takes to be happy. To manage money. To not judge people. But they are comfortable in their unhappy, messed up, drama filled life.

So this is it for me. I'm finally drawing a line in the sand. I'm divorcing (disowning) my parents. In 2 years, when I do get married to my (non-muslim, white) gf, they will be out of my life. And I'm more than happy with that. Disassociating with them will cure me of the anger. I'm calmer now in life, and I know what I want. My life is here - I can't live in Dubai or in India. I don't fit into that culture. I don't mean that in a negative way, of course I would make friends, but I wouldn't be able to live there. Where I'm judged for my beliefs about god, family, women and work.

For people that are reading, is this your only way out? To get out of where you are? I don't think so. Just get away from what's causing you anger, and STAND YOUR GROUND. The fight is tough - hearing your own mother curse you is not for the weak. But I'm not bowing down to tyranny. And neither should you.

Therapy

2011-03-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

I've been to a shrink. 2 shrinks actually, and they are surprisingly helpful. Well,50% of the time anyway. The first shrink I saw was someone out of college, and after spending an hour with her, she convinced me that I was a 'victim' of 'child abuse' and that my life was really bad.

I felt okay when she said this, but when I left the session, the anger slowly started welling up. I was in the subway, and I had to stare down at the floor because I thought I'd punch someone if they looked at me wrong. I was so angry by the end of the ride, that I went home, and killed half a bottle of irish whiskey to take my mind off what she said.

Let me be clear. She was not right. And she didn't help me. I'm not a victim. She just successfully made me feel worse than I did after her session. That'll teach me to try out a $30/hr shrink.

The next shrink I saw charged $90/hr and after talking to her for an hour, I felt amazing. Everything she said was positive, and I left the session feeling really good. I went back to her a couple more times, and then I just occupied myself with random activities and never had a chance, but I'll still never forget her. She really helped me identify why I was so angry. In 25 minutes, she told me that my problem was anger, and that I kept it bottled in, and then started directing it towards myself.

I needed an outlet for expressing my anger, and she pointed out that all my creative outlets - non-fiction writing, fiction writing, screenplays, were all extremely violent and that they were just my outlets for letting out anger. I never thought about this until she pointed it out, but it's a good point.

For those of you thinking about the taboo, the cost, of going to a shrink - let me assure you. It's totally worth going. You have nothing to lose.

I've changed quite a bit in the last couple of months, my anger has subsided quite a bit, and I feel like I'm making positive progress towards avoiding a destructive life.

Dull the pain

2011-01-27T09:16:00.000-08:00

Dull the pain.
Or
Feed the pain?

Dulling the pain - Life is becoming grey. I stopped dreaming about 2 months ago. I don't remember them anymore. The sweet deterioration of my brain as the beer particles make its way down into my bloodstream.

The ability to dull the throbbing pain.
The ability to express anger by yelling.

The end of the night, where the tepid attitude has been simmering, comes boiling over - exploding into anger which cannot be released. The body quivers. The anger goes back to myself - you are a loser, you have no life, people hate you, I hate you.

Drink some more, feed the anger a little more, until the physical effects of alcohol takes its course and makes you collapse.

The alarm rings. The throbbing begins.

Do it all over again.

The Indian Dream

2011-01-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

As an Indian, I was told life had a path. Study hard, make good grades - pick Science as your 11th grade specialty, and then do computer science in college, get a job, get married, have kids, repeat cycle. This is bullshit.The Indian dream is a lie.

Looking back at my childhood, I don't think I remember any parts with my family that I considered myself happy. My mom used to cane me to study. I hated being in the house. She would constantly berate me for being stupid and not working hard and not doing well. My childhood was spent mostly in fear of my mother. I had no freedom in any aspect of my life. My study path was chosen for me, my college major was dictated to me. I'm an 18 year old guy that is treated like a 4 yr old. Resentment was built. Never manifested, but it slowly seethed.

In college, after moving to the US, where I was told to pick computer science as a major (because obviously there were a lot of computer jobs), in my second semester while working on a programming assignment, I couldn't do it anymore. I hated it. I couldn't picture myself doing this for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for the rest of my life. I always enjoyed physics, and thought of changing my major to physics, so I went and talked to the Undergraduate Dean of Physics about moving to a physics major. He convinced me that it would be a good idea, and that I would have a lot of flexibility after I graduate in what career path I could take - business, lawyers, scientist, professor.

The next morning I called my parents and told them that I HATED computer science and I think I would do much better as a physics major. I told them I liked teaching, and I wanted to be a professor. They called me back the next day and said 'If you want to major in physics, we won't pay for your college'. So I continued with my Computer Science major. I failed a couple of classes - but I eventually graduated. With absolutely no use with this major. I could barely program, had never done anything great other than goto classes with a middling GPA. I didn't even try very hard to look for jobs, just because I knew I didn't want a programming job.

The year after graduation was when I'd started playing poker and was making quite a bit of money. I ended up making close to $20K playing cards, and then decided I wanted to do a masters degree in my field of choosing. I chose Mgmt of information sciences, and then found what I truly enjoyed doing. Marketing analysis. I paid for the whole masters degree myself and then found a job in the field I loved.

The whole dream of following a blind path of what your Indian parents deem right for you is absolutely demolishing. If you are reading, understand this. Life is tough, it's not easy. If you truly want to do something, be prepared to endure hardships and bleak times to finally get what you want. It wasn't easy for me to get to where I am. I've had times where all my possessions were a laundry basket and a laptop. I lived on a friend's couch for 6 months. I used to eat once every 2 days. But I persevered, because I didn't want to take my parent's money and wanted to make my own life.

You can do the same. Break free of the mold.

Futility

2011-01-14T06:17:00.000-08:00

Every morning I wake up. The alarm on my phone goes off. I hit 'Dimiss' and then I look at the time. I then think "What's the point is going in to work early?" This depresses me. I'm depressed in the morning. I'm a morning person, but I'm depressed because my whole life is futile. There is no purpose. I could go into work, produce a couple of reports, but it's of absolutely no use.

These reports are mostly manipulating numbers differently to fit a different view. There's nothing new, nothing revolutionary, nothing exciting, and mostly it's just lies. This depresses me as well. Fundamentally, I like to believe I'm an honest person. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I keep doing it. I have the holy trinity of issues - guilt, anger and sadness.

I recently have been looking a lot at suicide rates in countries. India and China have fairly high suicide rates. My cousin committed suicide when he was 22 or something. He had a wife and a kid, no one thought he was depressed, but one day they come back, and he'd hung himself. I think I know what that guy was going through. He must've been a thinker. The futility of life must've got him.

Who am I angry with?

2011-01-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I hate the way I don't have confidence. I hate my body. I hate my stupidity. I hate my lack of ambition. I hate that I sabotage myself. I'm afraid of success. I pursue women that are unavailable. The 2 women I'm interested in are

1. More than 500 miles away
2. Has a boyfriend.

It's easy, because I guess falling for these women, I'm protecting myself from failure by saying that hey if it didn't work out, its okay, because it wasn't going to anyway.

I'm working from home, and I don't want to do what my boss told me to because it's just a whole bunch of busy work, for so little payoff. I'm just reading his email over and over again slowly working myself into a lather. It's 3 pm, and I've decided this is it. I'm done with the day. I'm going to spend the rest of the day just getting drunk. It's easier to deal with my self hatred this way.

Apathy

2011-01-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

I've wondered if there are stages of anger - and I wonder if I'm in the apathetic phase. Our company is moving offices and it's some super secret process that no one knows about. This makes me mad - do they think we are children? What is the point of hiding where we are moving? Unless the only reason is to tell the 'secret' to a select few and make them feel like they actually have some power.

Either way, I know that 90% of the people here at work don't really like me, mainly because I don't talk to anyone. I come in, do my work, and go home. It's just sales people anyways, and I know I sound like an elitist by saying this, but I have nothing to say to them, and actually find it infuriating to talk to them. I think most of them are really dumb, but also obliviously dumb.

The move has me sitting in an area by myself. I really need to get out of this place. People that read this blog, might consider me an angry, elitist, entitled asshole, but I think you'd be surprised if you met me. I get along very well with people, and infact make friends pretty easily with people. I think I'm just unhappy with my work right now - because I hate feeling like a cog in the wheel, and essentially that's what I am right now. What I do has little purpose other than to provide people with data, that they manipulate to show results (completely unethical, and also technically incorrect).

Spending 40 hrs a week of my life in this unhappy place for a year has drained me. I'm no longer the fun person I used to be. I have no motivation, and increasingly think of becoming a bum. Why don't I get a new job? Because I'm on a work permit, and 90% of companies will only hire Canadians, so even though I'm qualified, it's hard to find any company willing to jump through huge hoops just to hire me.

I know I'm waiting for my permanent residency card to come through in 6 months, and once I have that, I should have a much easier time getting a new job.

Either way, I need this blog to just rant and vent and let off steam, while I sit here staring at a monitor, getting paid to do this.

New year

2011-01-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

So I figured, I should write up an obligatory new post, even though no one reads this blog, and I don't want anyone to really figure out who I am, so I don't tell anyone about the blog either.

Getting back to New years though, I had a long conversation with my buddy, where we were both extremely inebriated, and he told me that I'm going through what he went, except in a positive direction - I want to own a house, I'm tired of banging random bitches, etc. Then he said 'At this point in your life, you are either going to turn out normal, or you are going to become a bum. I know you can't be a bum'.

That was unnerving, how did he get in my head? I've fantasized for months about saving money, moving to Thailand/Mexico and just being a bum there. I've given this a lot of thought and I still don't know if I'd follow through with this or not. I have some other issues that are ongoing, that might actually push me over the edge.

He also said something else, that surprised me. I told him, as a form of discipline, and to figure out if it would make me happier, increase my drive, I stopped jerking off for about 3 months. I thought I'd keep track, but everyday I just told myself not to, and it's been a long time since I've done that, and he told me 'You are turning into what you were as a kid. You had strict parents that forced rules on you, and you are regressing back into that'. That really surprised me, because its true. I was hardly allowed to do anything when I was a kid.

I think for every step I take forward, I take two steps back. I finally talked to my mother after a year. And we just shot the shit, and unbelievably, she actually complimented me for the first time since I can remember, instead of saying I'm stupid. The other 20 minutes was her trying to tell me why I need to get married next year.

Either way, I'm less angry this year, than I was last year. I'm less angry at myself, and surprisingly not masturbating, has helped that a lot. The shame and the pointlessness of that makes me hate myself less. I still have a long ways to go, and hopefully I'm less lazy this year as well.

Only 5 more hours to go

2010-09-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

Since I'm in a semi self-destructive phase of my life, I decided to help myself on my quest to go deeper into the hole by buying some nose candy. I consider it a birthday gift, but really, I was just bored, and I like being on that stuff. I'm going to try some out today, and I might play some poker - where I can actually focus for once. Yesterday was a blur too, don't remember much of what I did at work, played some pool, and then went home, watched an episode of 'The Shield' and went to bed.

Is this life? I can choose to do other things, but it's pointless. Even if I wrote - after work I went skydiving and then helped some poor people build houses, I still look back and think, wow, out of 6 billion people in the world, it doesn't really matter so much.

On the bright side, I shot really well at pool yesterday. I also decided that this weekend, I'm going to make a lot of food, because for some reason, I enjoy cooking. It's almost noon, and I've successfully managed to do nothing for the last 4 hours. I just have to wile away some time on the internet (which isn't terribly difficult) and I should be on my merry way.

Oh yeah, Happy fucking Friday.

Floating in nothing

2010-09-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

The title of a post is so hard to come up with. I wonder if people usually start with the title and then write the story, or if it's the other way around. I haven't written much lately, because I'm in a weird mood lately. The different moods I go through make me wonder if I'm bipolar. I recently went to Vegas, and came back depressed. I don't know what it is - the horrible food, the constant cloud of smoke you cannot escape, or the oppressive heat - but some combination of those things wore down my psyche.

I used to love playing poker - LOVE IT. I used to spend 4-5 hours a day playing, and when I wasn't playing, I was reading strategy, going over my hands, etc. I have now become a player that I used to think I'd never become - the impatient, thinks everyone is bluffing, thinks I'm the unluckiest player in the world schmuck. I'm easy money. I have no patience, I am paralyzed by fear when making decisions, and am more results-oriented, which is disastrous. Poker is boring to me now.

After coming back from Vegas, I suddenly didn't want to talk to anyone. A lot of people are expecting phone calls, visits, facebook posts, but I have sealed myself in. I drink a lot, and I just sit at home. I deleted my facebook account, and I am a zombie at work. I have pretty much no motivation to do anything.

Anytime I try to talk myself into doing anything, I think 'What's the point? I'm just going to end up giving all the money to my parents'. I'm 28 years old and after 3 years of making $60K a year, I have in my savings account - $20,000. And that's by complete luck. I only have $10K, but I got an investment that doubled my money in a year. So, if you are keeping track, out of $180,000, I have $10K. The rest is gone. Can you imagine being motivated to make/save money, when it doesn't matter. I go though the phase where I want to save money, and then a month later, I need to send home $2,000.

At this point, everything is pointless. All this money, it goes to serve no purpose. If there was a goal - to pay off, say, $40,000, I would be perfectly content, because then I could work towards that, but this is a goalless meander through finance. It's never going to end. Which is why, I've been thinking of leaving my job, leaving the country and moving to a 3rd world country for 2 years, completely out of touch with any human being I've met, and then very simply, finish my life there.

Money has lost all purpose to me. It's of no use to me, so I spend like no tomorrow, because - what's the point of saving? Everything I do feels meaningless. I'm drifting right now in the world with no real purpose, no goal, no joy, no passion, nothing. I just exist. Which is what I never wanted to be. I know if I put my mind to it, I can do a lot of things, but I just circle back to thinking 'Why does it matter?'.

This is such a whiny,angsty post - and I hate being that person, but hey, fuck it. It's my blog, I'll write whatever I want. It's not like anyone is reading anyway. This is just my venting outlet.

The weird bone

2010-07-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

I was trying to decide what songs I should burn for my next CD when on a whim I decided I'm going to burn 'The Fiery Furnances' - Blueberry boat album. This album is really good, but in such a weird way. People think I'm weird for weird's sake, and I don't think that's true. I listen to quite a bit of music, and after a while I long for some complexity in music. Listening to Fiery Furnaces will ensure that you are always trying to figure out the song. Just when you think a song has a particular melody/rhythm, they will jar you with a complete different piece of music. It hits my weird bone and makes me feel shivers.

In general, I love things that hit my weird bone, I seek them out fondly. Musically - Animal collective, Jaguar Love. Movies - Bug, Perfume, One Hour Photo. These are unsettling, and lot of people dismiss them, I guess, because it unsettles them. That was a great fucking sentence. I love that odd feeling I experience when I've watched something/heard something that's different. More often that not, it's songs rather than albums/artists that do it to me. I would say the two songs that always get me are 'All I need' by Radiohead and 'Brother sport' by Animal Collective.

My humor is pretty crass when compared to other people too, but at the same time, a lot of my humor is very mean spirited. I wish that weren't the case, but a lot of it involves poking fun of people. I think I was born with this.

Too smart or stupid?

2010-07-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

'The problem with the world is that the wise men are always in doubt, and the fools are always sure'.

I read that when I was in 5th grade, and I can't forget it. I always wonder about this. I've met so many people, that seem dumb as hell, but are happy. But the sadder, whiny (yes that's me), emo people always seem to be smarter. When you learn something, it helps you to look at the world in a broader context, but at the same time, it introduces doubt in your mind. Every time I've learned something, it makes me doubt what I know even more.

This is when I start thinking about what is the correct answer, what is ideal? And there's never any answer. But from all these years of being, the one thing I've come to understand is that if I spend more time at a problem, I will reach a solution. So I'm always thinking I have to just work hard at the problem and the solution will appear. I'm aspiring to be Buddha or a prophet, when from what everyone else has written or said - there's no solution to life.

One of the solutions is to stop thinking so much about what is the point of life? Instead, focus on tasks and then these questions will melt away. I try very hard to do so. I keep myself occupied constantly, except when I'm at work, because the work at this point challenges me very little and so I have very little reason to focus.

Yesterday I went to the park and I thought I would sit under a tree and think about my life. What do I want out of life? What are my issues? Why am I unhappy and malcontent? Will I ever achieve contentedness? I don't even want to be happy, I just want to be content. I'm always looking for better. When I fail to achieve it, I blame myself for being lazy and stupid. Mostly lazy, because I believe that you can be born fairly stupid, but if you work hard, you can be really good. I'm not very smart. I think I project the illusion of being smart, but for the most part, I don't believe I'm smart. Or maybe I am. I don't know.

I don't know how to answer that question.

It's just another in a mess of questions that I don't know how to answer.

Let's try this out

2010-07-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I blogged, but after I read MissBanshee's post about blogging, something stirred within me. I used to write. A lot. I had a little orange note book. I wrote about being on vacation in India and being absolutely bored because there was nothing to read, nothing to watch, and I had no real friends. Since I was the 'gulf-boy', I also had 'fancy' clothes and everytime I walked down to the bus stop, people in a radius of 1km would stare at me.

It was a small village.

Once I took the bus down to the CITY, I would go hang out at my uncle's shop. He sold saris and salwars, and some men's apparel as well. I loved the smell of that shop, but I would often just walk out and look out at the giant bus stop, inhaling the diesel fumes from the 30-odd buses in that station. People would still stare at me. It was a small CITY.

I would then walk over to my other uncle's shop called 'THE BUTTON HOUSE'. They sold buttons,thread,needles,zippers, and various other tiny contraptions. Everything in the store was tiny. I would take a box of 200 buttons and then get 10 in a tiny plastic bag and staple them.

I'm somewhere else now. I haven't seen my family in 7 years. I have no real desire to. The last time I spoke with my mother, I yelled at her. Usually I would just respond mono-syllabically, but I guess something snapped in me, and I went off on her about how she makes me feel like shit everytime she calls me. Everything I do is wrong, and stupid. I asked her 'Why do you have such hatred towards me?'. She cried, and then quickly recuperated and started getting angry. And then she said, if you don't want to talk to me, then fine, don't talk to me. I said 'Fine'. We haven't spoken in 8 months.

I self-diagnose. I feel guilty all the time. I feel stupid a lot. Most of the time, I feel lazy. I feel like I should occupy myself with something, so I can stop thinking. I ponder too much. About inconsequential things. My biggest problem is I ponder these aloud to people. The people, they don't look too kindly upon such questions. I am always labeled weird. I think I'm just naturally curious. I'm intensely fascinated with Economics, mainly because of the Freakonomics books, because it really asks questions, that people are afraid to ask. These are the questions I often wonder about.

Some of my questions have to do with family. I've firmly made a conclusion about the non-existence of god. Then my questions go on to things like family. What is the point? Why do people make babies? You are here on earth, and you make babies, and you die? What is the point? I feel like creating more babies is the worst thing you can do. We are already strained on resources, and more importantly, I don't want to create a person like me. I have not figured out the world or anything about it, why would I want to bring someone else into this world of uncertainty.