Predicting the optimum time to intervene in a conflict is a bit like predicting the weather, more often than not you get it right but there are always freak events that will contaminate your predictions. Conflicts tend to transition through specific stages, if you improve your knowledge of these stages  then you’ll increase your chances  of stopping a conflict before it gets out of control. The first stage is often the most mundane and frustrating…

Conflict Collision

Workplace conflicts typically begin over a trivial matter, for example borrowing an item of stationary and not returning it on time or in the same condition it was when borrowed. Yes, pretty dull I know. There are other ingredients that spice things up a little such as excessive workload, time pressure, stress and so on, but essentially we have all the ingredients to concoct a good old fashioned workplace conflict.

Caveat: It has of course nothing at all to do with the item of stationary in question and everything to do with unmet expectations about when and in what condition the said item of stationary would be returned and the meaning attributed to this action. But you knew this already, right? If not and you want to learn more then leave a comment below to let me know.

Discussing Undiscussables

All that’s happened up to this point is that the two protagonists have exchanged some words, maybe some side remarks at each other as  way of communicating their disapproval. At no stage is the ‘victim’ explicit about his or her frustrations – and this my friends, I believe, is at the heart of the problem.

Naturally one would expect two adults to sit down and talk openly about their frustrations and expectations of each other in order to clear up the misunderstanding that exists between them. But no, I think that’s too much to expect of two grownups to do especially if you’re paying them £1000′s every month to be responsible and accountable for their behaviour!

Mediate or Just a Difficult Conversation?

At this stage it’s simply too early in the conflict for a third party intervention, let alone floating the suggestion of a mediation. The matter seems too trivial to the parties and both will be blind to the pattern of events that are about to unfold. So as far as they’re concerned there’s no compelling reason to sit down and talk because there’s nothing at stake, just a ‘minor clash of personalities’ as they say.

Workplace Conflict Needs to Fester

There is a fertile stage between the initial collision and when the conflict goes underground. This is a good time for a third party intervention because the conflict now begins to afflict others in the team and starts to interfere with effectiveness, productivity and the well being of its members.

Managers – This is Your Time.

If you intervene now you can surface all the issues and extinguish the flames of the conflict. Do this by:

• Pull both parties to one side (Your instinct will be to speak to them separately. Resist this temptation with all your might. It’s a slippery slope if you don’t. You’ll just become a repository of confidential information that will radically reduce your effectiveness at facilitating the difficult conversation between them.)
• Share your observations with both parties (stick to the data and avoid inferences).
• Share the impact you notice it’s having on other’s (give specific examples).
• Share your expectation that it’s resolved right now and the outcome you expect. (Ask them if they think you’re expectations are unreasonable – this is important)
• Schedule a meeting later that day or the next day and give both parties instructions about how to prepare for that meeting.

Congratulations! Not only have you taken the first big step to prevent the conflict from escalating but you’ve also done what very few managers do; take accountability seriously.

Sending the Wrong Message

If you are in any doubt about the advice on offer in this article, then allow me to present an alternative narrative.

Say you decide not to intervene at this stage, then it’s possible a number of things will happen – This is worst case scenario but one I would want you to avoid.

• You lose credibility with your team because they perceive your action as an act of collusion.  In other words, by not intervening you are sending a message to the group to say, ‘it’s ok to behave in this way‘.
• The potency of your positional power and influence with the main protagonists will diminish, because you’re not exercising your authority and making your expectations about group norms explicit.
• As the conflict goes underground, the main protagonists will begin to form ‘beach heads’ and strengthen their position by inviting alliances to join them. Team members on the periphery get dragged in to the toxicity.
• Stress levels increase as efficiencies decrease.
• Resentments build between members as some carry the workload of others.

Get the picture?

So I encourage you to intervene early, not too early but before the conflict goes ‘underground’. Make sure you have enough data to make your proposal for a ‘difficult conversation’ or mediation is compelling to both parties. Avoid tripping yourself up by speaking to the parties separately and address them together sharing your observations and your expectations.

If you want to learn how to facilitate a difficult conversation then click here: How to Facilitate a Difficult Conversation

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Thanks You.

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For some workplace conflicts you definitely need an experienced independent mediator to help you mitigate risk and maximise the chances of a successful outcome. But for other conflicts, you can probably achieve a pretty good outcome by getting stuck in yourself. Learn how to mediate a conflict with this ‘by-the-seat-of-your-pants’ mediation guide. In this article you’ll learn about the types of cases that are probably suitable for you to handle and the ones to steer clear of.

When to Call Pro

There are three criteria that can help determine whether you need to hire the services of a professional mediator or whether it’s safe to have a go yourself.

Length of Time

The earlier you can catch a conflict the better, nipping something in the bud, so to speak is often far easier than mediating between 2 people who have been ‘at it’ for a couple of years and have anchored themselves deep in their trenches with enough resources to sit it out for bloody battle. A swift intervention is helpful because the conflict or incident that triggered the conflict will be relatively fresh in their minds reducing the likelihood of any data (their observations and experiences) being contaminated by the passage of time and morbid fantasies. So if it’s long in the tooth then tread carefully and consider calling in a pro.

Seniority

Intervening in a conflict between two senior managers can be a sensitive matter, partly because there ‘s often an implicit expectation in most organisations that senior managers should have the skills and maturity to resolve the conflict themselves but also it often involves ‘face saving’. So working with an independent mediator at least affords them some reassurance that the substantive nature of their conflict will be kept confidential. So I’m not suggesting you avoid mediating these conflicts, test the water and speak to both senior managers involved to gauge their willingness to talk with you.

Substantive Nature of the Conflict

Most workplace conflicts begin over a seemingly trivial matter like not returning a stapler or not replacing the milk in the communal office fridge. However there are conflicts that are more sinister in nature, I don’t necessarily mean that there’s anything sinister about the intent and maybe sinister isn’t the right word. What I mean is, the issues are just more weighty or serious. And in these circumstances the risks of mishandling the mediation are too significant. The kinds of things I’m referring to are conflicts where allegations of discrimination, harassment or bullying exist. For these cases I would strongly recommend calling on the services of a professional mediator.

Golden Opportunities for Mutual Learning

By in large, from my experience, most workplace conflicts are golden opportunities for you to help the key protagonists involved to think differently about their conflict and learn from their experience. So catch them early,  don’t be put off by seniority but test the water and if the risks are high for you, the parties and your organisation jump straight on the phone to a professional.

In the next post I’ll walk you through step-by-step the process of getting the parties buy-in to mediating. If you want to be notified of the next post you can subscribe via email (by entering your name and email address in the box to the right or by clicking the big orange RSS Feed icon to the right.

Want to read more on mediation? Then click this link: Mediation Articles

Any comments or questions, please do leave them in the box below. I read and reply to every single one.

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Ever wondered if you could look back on each day, month or year and say ‘that was without doubt my best ever’?  Here’s how to make that happen.

Step 1: The Things that got You to Where You are Today May Not be the Things that Will Get You Where You Want to be Tomorrow.

Part of my immersion into the world of coaching and facilitation involved holding up the mirror and staring into it. One of the many things I discovered about myself was how two specific character traits that I thought were strengths of mine, turned out in fact to be a huge blind spot that was holding me back from fulfilling my goals.

I learnt that my capacity for trusting others and myself, was higher than average. So too was my capacity for thinking all things would work out (optimism), despite some glaringly obvious barriers. These were characteristics that as a young entrepreneur served me well. They helped me start what some would describe as pretty outrageous ventures because I believed that anything was possible and that everyone was well intentioned and would be delighted to help me succeed.

So, what worked for me back then doesn’t work for me now.

Which of your personal characteristics need updating?

Lesson 2: Make Sure you Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing

The problem with being overly optimistic and overly trusting was that I tended to bite off more than I could chew and I had about half a dozen sandwiches on the go! Being overly optimistic, I believed that I could easily keep all the plates spinning and of course being overly trusting, I believed my own rhetoric and trusted others to meet my expectations.

But of course being overly optimistic I had the mother of all expectations; that other people could figure out  how to meet my expectations without ever having to tell them what my expectations were!

So I had a choice; be average at loads of things or strive for excellence in one thing.

If you could focus on one thing what it be?

How do you choose what that One Thing is?

Lesson 3: Make Sure the One Main Thing is Directly Connected to What’s Important

Part of the journey of self discovery is also learning about what’s important, our values. Early in my career, I wasn’t  consciously aware of the things that were important to me. If you were to ask me what my top three values were when I first started out in business, I doubt very much that my answers would be the same as if you asked me today.

It’s not because I think our values necessarily change over time, rather I think the values we prioritise change and how we get our values met also changes. Adventure, risk and financial security are still important values to me but how I satisfy these values is different today to 15 years ago. I also know that making a difference and leaving the world a more peacful place than when I found it are now prioroties for me. Knowing this makes it easy for me to set goals, because I know they are goals that matter.

What would make your One Thing compelling?

Lesson 4: Make Sure that Your Actions Make the Boat Go Faster

Ben Hunt-Davis and his rowing team had mantra which guided their behaviour moment to moment, day to day until they achieved their Olympic Gold Medal winning goal at Sydney 2000.

“Will it make the boat go faster”

They eliminated any habits, behaviours or ideas that would not meet their test of making their boat go faster. They even missed out on the opening ceremony because they concluded that standing for 4 hours would interfere with their dietry routines which in the end would not have made their boat go faster.

Taking action each day that moves you incrementally closer to achieving your goals is the only sure fire way of making things happen in your personal or professional life.

What one thing if you did it consistently every day would move you closer to your goal?

So if you want this next week, month, year, life to be different to the last then pay attention to these 4 things:

1. The things that got you to where you are today may not be the things that will get you where you want to be tomorrow.

2. Make Sure you Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing

3. Make Sure the One Main Thing is Directly Connected What’s Important

4. Make Sure That Your Actions Make the Boat Go Faster

Happy Days!

Would love to get your comments and feedback on this post, so please feel free to write them in the comments section below. I read and reply to every single one.
Thanks in anticipation!

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Mediation is the process of facilitating a difficult conversation between two or more people. So there are many lessons to be learnt from mediation when it comes to our own difficult conversations. Here’s a strategy from mediation to help shape your conversations.

Click here to watch more Difficult Conversations Videos

Please leave any comments or questions in the box below, I read every single one and will respond swiftly!

Thank you in anticipation…

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Contrary to popular belief (usually our own) we all contribute to the problems and conflicts we get wrapped up in, want to know how and why? Watch this to find out.

Click here to watch more Difficult Conversations Videos

Please leave any comments or questions in the box below, I read every single one and will respond swiftly!

Thank you in anticipation…

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Ever had an awkward conversation with someone where you’ve ended up waffling right at the start. To make matters worse, when you waffle at the start of a difficult conversation it’s not only embarrassing but you end up not reaching any meaningful conclusion, watch this video to get  cleanly out of the blocks when the gun goes off!

Click here to watch more Difficult Conversations Videos

Please leave any comments or questions in the box below, I read every single one and will respond swiftly!

Thank you in anticipation…

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Ever felt nervous and wondered what on earth to say at the beginning of a sticky conversation? Have you ever started out being clear in your mind what you wanted to talk about but ended up getting distracted and moving off the topic that you really wanted to raise? It’s a common phenomenon that happens to the best of us in any difficult conversation. Here are a few ideas to help you get started.

Click here to watch more Difficult Conversations Videos

Please leave any comments or questions in the box below, I read every single one and will respond swiftly!

Thank you in anticipation…

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Raising difficult and sensitive issues with a colleague is challenging at the best of times. When you’re colleague is also a good friend of yours the stakes are raised in your difficult conversation. Get the conversation right and you strengthen the relationship and improve the way you work together, get it wrong and you could damage the friendship and make working together at best awkward and at worst uncomfortable. Watch the video for some strategies on how to do this effectively.

Difficult Conversations at Work

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Please leave any comments or questions in the box below, I read every single one and will respond swiftly!

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How do you raise a sensitive issue about their inappropriate behaviour of a colleague who’s also a friend without feeling like you’ve put them on the spot and without losing their trust and friendship? I answer this dilemma in the post, so read on..

Do I? Don’t I?

Many people think that raising these sensitive issues are problematic and should be avoided, but I say not raising them is even more problematic. Here’s how to do it in a way that doesn’t jeopardise the friendship but at the same time keeps things on a professional level.

“Todd, I want to talk to you about something you said relating to how I manage the team, you said it when we were sitting at the bar together with the rest team at the end of the final away day, remember?”

“It left me feeling uncomfortable and concerned and I wanted to raise it while it’s still fresh in our minds, you ok to do that?”

“I’ve been putting it off because I wasn’t really sure how to raise it with you given we’ve got such a good friendship and I’ve been wanting to find a way of raising it that, on the one hand, didn’t jeopardise our friendship but on the other made sure that my professionalism and accountability doesn’t come into question.”

“So I want you to know that I’m raising this issue because it’s important to me. Do you have any concerns about me raising it in this way?”

“I thought I’d start by recalling the conversation as I heard it, and then get your reaction to that. There’s a chance that you recall it differently and if so I’d be curious to know how you see it.”

“I also want to share why what I heard you say is a concern to me and what I’d like to do to rectify the situation”

“Does that sound ok to you?”

You’ll notice in this conversation starter, that I’m constantly checking in with my colleague, I’m breaking it down into small steps and gaining agreement along the way, I’m also reassuring my colleague that it’s not an easy thing for me to raise this with him but I acknowledge that it’s important for the two of us that I do.

Key Strategies

1. Advocate and inquire. Don’t just ramble on headlong into an uninterrupted monologue, break the conversation up by checking in and getting agreement with your colleague as you go along.
2. Share the dilemma that you were faced with when deciding to raise the issue with them and reassure them that it wasn’t an easy decision to make to raise it with them, nevertheless you felt it was important for the benefit of your friendship and working relationship.

Approaching these conversations with a mutual learning mindset will help you raise the issue and create an environment that makes it safe and comfortable to do so.

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If you can get the process part of your conversation right, then you’ll have strategy that will carry you through your conversation and ensure that you reach the outcome that you wanted. Designing the roadmap for your conversation is all about getting the process right. This article shows you how.

Difficult Conversations Roadmap

When you’re clear in your mind about the issue you want to discuss in your difficult conversation it’s so tempting to just go ahead and get on with it, but if you set out on a journey with a destination in mind and no clear route to get there then you’re running a big risk.

Mediation is a very effective way to get two people who don’t see eye-to-eye on an issue to reach a mutually satisfactory outcome, part of the success of mediation is down to its process. Mediation is effectively a process to facilitate a difficult conversation, so here’s your process for your difficult conversation.

Start at the Beginning!

The natural place to start in a difficult conversation is to outline in detail your concerns and how the other person is connected to those concerns, I’m guessing they must be related in some way to the problem or are able to influence the outcome – otherwise why would you involve them in the first place. In mediation this is called the opening statement.

So you might say something like…

“I’d like to talk to you about my concerns relating to 3 specific projects managed by you that have consistently missed the last 3 deadlines. I want to find out what could be causing this and then we take steps to make sure it never happens again. OK to do that right now? “

This is the purpose of your conversation, what follows next is the roadmap…

“The way I thought we could do this would be for me to start by describing in enough detail why I think these 3 projects have missed the deadline and I’d like to hear you view to see whether you see things the same way or different. I’m aware I might not have all the facts so I’m open to hearing your view.  Sound ok? “

I then go on to describe the outcome that I’d like to reach and I also throw open the possibility that there may be other factors that are causing delays and so the blame may not rest entirely on the project manager.

“If we agree on the reasons behind the deadlines being breached then I’d like to explore strategies that will ensure that projects under your control are in future submitted on time. If we don’t agree, then I’d like to dig deeper into each project and understand the points of difference, because I’m open to the possibility that there might be other factors outside of your control that are affecting the project deadlines. Does what I’m suggesting make sense?”

“Good, then let’s start.”

Having a framework for your conversation, particularly when it’s a difficult one, helps keep everyone on track in addition to reassuring the person you’re having the conversation with that you’re not intending to hijack the conversation by introducing something that you didn’t agree to.

Transparent and Upfront

By being transparent and upfront, you can turn a difficult conversation into a collaborative one.

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Every difficult conversation needs a destination point, this is focus and the heart of the conversation but it’s never as easy to identify as it sounds. The problem with not being clear about your issue is that you end up going down blind alleys and sometimes letting the other person off the hook. If you want a quick strategy to be clear on the purpose of your difficult conversation then read ahead.

Zero in on the thing that matters most

It’s normal for tensions or concerns to build up before we decide to raise them with someone. We make excuses on their behalf, find ways to justify their behaviour or say to ourselves I’ll wait until it’s the right time. So by the time we eventually get around to the difficult conversation, things have built up and you now have a catalogue of things you want to talk to them about.

One Issue at a Time

Don’t be tempted to produce a long list of grievances at the start of your difficult conversation just stick to one issue. If you find in the middle of the conversation that the other person want to discuss other issues with you, be firm and say you’re happy to talk about those but before you do you want to reach a resolution or outcome to this particular issue.

Visualise the End Point of Your Conversation

This strategy will help you articulate clearly the issue you want to talk about.  Imagine yourself coming to the end of the conversation with the other person, as you imagine this ask yourself any of these questions, whichever fits your situation the best;

What problem do I want solved?

What question do I want answered?

What outcome do I want reached?

Once you can visualise the end point, you just need to reverse-engineer it into a an outcome statement. For example;

Let’s say the problem I want solved is to make sure there’s always a supply of coffee, tea and fresh milk in the staff kitchen for everyone. So when I come to the end of my conversation I want to feel reassured that whenever I go to the staff kitchen I can make myself a coffee or tea at my leisure and so can others.

How has the other person contributed to this problem?

The piece that’s missing is the awkward bit, it’s the piece that connects the problem with the person you’re wanting to discuss it with. So to be clear about this try asking yourself the following question.

What do I think is contributing to this problem/situation/dilemma?

To continue with the example.

I think my colleague is contributing to this because his team are the largest consumers of tea and coffee in the office and I’m not sure what expectations they have about when, who and how the supply will be maintained.

That’s it. All you need to do is to combine the both and there you have it a perfectly articulate and coherent purpose to your conversation.

“I’d like to talk about the how to maintain the supply of coffee, tea and fresh milk in the staff kitchen so that when I or others want to make ourselves a cup we’re not left disappointed and frustrated because the milk has run out. I want to raise this with you because I think you’re team are the biggest consumers of tea and coffee on this floor and I think they might be contributing to this problem.”

You OK to talk about that right now?

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