The class was filled with diverse learners: students, staff, faculty and regular folks from the community like me, interested in increasing diversity awareness and cultural competency. Yet with all of these varied personal experiences competing, we were able to create meaningful dialogue and learn a few things in the process. Did you know that military families were horrified when the KIA car company was introduced because the name also means killed in action?

It’s often the information that we don’t consciously think about and that others don’t know that provide such interesting dialogue revelations. Several months ago I wrote a post about taking the point of view of others and what I learned from having a candid discussion about race with one of my closest friends, who also happens to be African-American, although knowing her she’d probably just like me to refer to her as black.

Dialogue, as I learned from my friend and now my recent class, is probably the most important factor in creating and sustaining respectful and diverse relationships, especially in the workplace. Honest and candid dialogue among peers and colleagues allows us to learn more than we, as individuals can know on our own.

But before we rush in, here are a few guidelines to consider when creating respectful dialogue:

• Share your perspectives, listen to the perspectives of others, notice and respect differences and   seek to understand them.

• Acknowledge and inquire with interest about the perspectives of others.

• Inquire about and seek to understand the assumptions of others.

• Suspend debate and the need to prove the other person wrong.

• Understand and share your assumptions.

Have you ever noticed how some people think that just because they are going through a tough time they can get away with being disrespectful to other people? Somehow they feel they deserve some slack, and that their problems are so important that they can snub, criticize, degrade and otherwise make life uncomfortable for everyone around them. Nothing could be less attractive, more cruel and thoughtless, or more insulting than this sort of behavior. Whether this hurtful behavior is consciously intentional or skillfully cloaked in the garb of passive aggressive behavior, it should be appropriately recognized, addressed and apologized for to keep relationships healthy.

Recently, two readers wrote me to share a couple of their thoughts on this subject:

“When people are unpleasant (especially strangers) I try to remember that you never know what someone might be going through and although it is not OK to be disrespectful at any time, when people are struggling they are not always at their best, so I usually try to not stoop to their level, but ignore their actions, or respond politely and patiently. If this is habitual behavior then it should not be tolerated and the person should be reminded of the golden rule or perhaps to get their heads out of their lower extremities or simply cut off in the future. Life is too short for unnecessary drama. We all face challenges daily - some harder/larger than others. It is how we deal with what life brings us that defines us. One of my favorite songs is by Sugarland, “It Happens” which talks about life’s ups and downs and the last line is ‘ the indisputable, irrefutable Oh so beautiful fact is …it happens!”

“We are all the victims of what is done to us. We can either use that as an excuse for failure, knowing that if we fail it isn’t really our fault, or we can say ‘I want something better than that, I deserve something better than that, and I’m going to try to make myself a life worth living.”

The former speaks to respecting others as you would like to be respected yourself. Life ‘happens’ to all of us. We must remind ourselves from time to time that none of us is more special or carry a greater burden than many others. The latter refers to our ability to make choices. It is a real shame that during times such as these we bestow our darkest, weakest, least attractive attributes on those closest to us and nearest to our hearts. What a great chance to peer into the mirror!

On the other hand, there are those souls who shine like beacons of bright light and hope, showing us by their example that when we are down on our luck we can overcome the worst odds and through good works and true gratitude regain wholeness. I find it helpful when I am feeling a bit low to remember such people. We all have them in our lives and in our memories. Call on their energy when you need positive reinforcement and a reminder that you can gracefully get through the times that are painful and that hurt.

When friends are struggling, be kind to them, be as helpful to them as you can emotionally, and show them the respect they so desperately need. The old “first stone” passage from the Bible applies here as well. Gentle handling and heartfelt caring is so important to all of us, especially when we are facing crises, tumultuous times and grave sadness. We can all relate as humans to these situations. If we can remember to show those who are caring for us during our times of need the respect they deserve, we stand a much better chance to attracting such acts of kindness when we most need them.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews, NB, Canada. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.

A lot has changed for Canadian and American women in the past eighty years. Our rights and our ability to access those rights have increased. The question is, have our workplaces adjusted to reflect those changes?

According to the recently released Shriver Report, the answer to that question is a resounding no. The report, authored by First Lady of California Maria Shriver and the Center for American Progress, documents the fact that in 2009, for the first time in history, women will make up half of all U.S. workers. Mothers are the primary breadwinners or co-breadwinners in nearly two-thirds of American families. And that, states the report, creates a “woman’s nation that changes everything”.

The problem is that neither society nor most of our workplaces have instituted the kinds of fundamental changes needed to support this new reality. Increasing numbers of workers are juggling work, child care and elder care responsibilities. The report found that a majority of both women and men want more flexibility at work. It also found that a majority of individuals are not getting that flexibility and further, that they are afraid to ask for it.

When I interviewed Jane Sillberg, former HR Director of Intuit Canada for my book Road to Respect: Path to Profit, she told me that one of the practices that supports Intuit’s consistently high level of employee engagement is respect for the whole person. “In the 70’s and 80s I often heard leave your personal life at the door. That makes no sense to me.  We don’t just tolerate personal lives, we embrace them. If your child gets sick in the middle of the day what can you do?  We don’t worry about which day off they access. We say how can we help?  We want them to deal with the situation and come back to work comfortable that they can be there.” 

As First Lady Michelle Obama has said, “If you are worried about your children, you can’t breath”. Workplaces that want engaged and focused employees must create workplace cultures that respect the whole person. A respectful workplace culture supports and empowers employees by creating a safe environment where employees feel safe to speak up. Now is the time to start the conversation with employees, both women and men, to determine what policies and practices need to shift in order to demonstrate respect to the whole person and allow each employee to be focused, committed and productive at work. 

Erica Pinsky, B.A., M.Sc, CHRP, is an engaging and inspirational speaker, author and consultant working with organizations to build respectful and inclusive workplace cultures that attract and retain quality employees. Creative, dynamic and results oriented, Erica is passionate about promoting workplace cultures where employees feel engaged, comfortable and focused on their jobs in an environment free from discrimination, harassment, bullying and destructive conflict. Erica’s new book, Road to Respect, Path to Profit gives companies a road map to success in today’s challenging business climate.

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While my clients constantly sought to improve their competitive advantage, I was amazed to see that they often ignored the most glaring personnel challenges. Companies were spending thousands of dollars streamlining their processes through Six Sigma or Lean programs. They analyzed their shop floor data and hunted for the slightest area to refine. But the most vital data—the continuous signals coming from their staff—was often ignored.

At her desk, Jayne scowls. Her co-workers may gossip, “That’s just Jayne.” But why is she scowling? What message is Jayne sending (or trying to hide)?

In the theatre, we paid close attention to all types of communication. We recognized that each verbal or nonverbal expression was filled with important information. Our work centered on sending clear messages and decoding nonverbal signals. Why were companies ignoring these crucial skills?

At work, we disregard the scowl. We say, “It’s none of our business.” We don’t want to insult Jayne. Maybe she’s just having a bad day. Anyway, what could we say?

When we ignore nonverbals, we miss clues that reveal levels of engagement in a project or team. We miss feedback about effective or ineffective procedures. We miss developing our teams and building trust or even community.

If Ann’s anger at Marge is never resolved (or even acknowledged), it doesn’t disappear. Our emotional upsets will emerge later in team meetings, office gossip, or mysterious difficulties that spontaneously erupt. Mislaid papers, misunderstandings that lead to team confusion, and even (seemingly) outside obstacles can result from communication failures from unresolved emotions.

Why don’t we acknowledge the large emotional elephant in the cubicle? Because we don’t know what to say or do. Too many of us are afraid of emotions and convinced that there is no way to communicate safely and effectively when emotions are acknowledged.

But there are proven best practices to ensure safe, effective communication, even when emotions are powerfully in play. These techniques include “I statements,” active listening, and understanding the difference between assertive vs. aggressive dialogue.

Armed with these methods, we can courageously observe and acknowledge any anger or unhappiness in our coworkers or ourselves. Observing our emotions is the first critical step. Once acknowledged, we can decipher the message of our feelings. We can then begin to compassionately admit the emotional undercurrent (subtext) of our daily interactions. We can use this ready source of feedback to make our workplaces happier and healthier.

Laura Lewis-Barr is a Development Dimensions International Certified trainer and a Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Certified trainer. Laura has been teaching communication skills for over 15 years. Her specialties include: dynamic presentation skills, emotional intelligence, time management, conflict resolution, and customer service.

Not only is it important to visualize what respect looks like, but also what it feels like. Most participants will relay a story about a time when someone asked them for input, expressed an interest in their work, publicly praised them, etc. Then when they talk about how they felt after these incidents occurred, participants usually use words like valued, supported or even trusted.

So why is this essential? Because when the brain processes positive emotions created from respectful behaviors, it actually increases our mood, which can lead to higher productivity. My question for all of you is:

What does respect mean to you?

We want to publish your stories here. So think back to a time when you felt respected in the workplace. Write a detailed description of 500 words or less and each month we’ll feature a new story. Send your stories to:

respectfulworkplace [at] contactcrazy [dot] com

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Sensitivity Trainers’ Advice for Traffic Agents
by James Barron

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg wants the city’s 2,795 traffic enforcement agents to undergo sensitivity training, and Paul Meshanko, a managing partner of a company that runs the Web site RespectfulWorkplace.com, knows exactly what he would tell them. Mayor Bloomberg has called for the city’s traffic agents, some of whom were issuing summonses for blocking the intersection of 96th Street and Third Avenue, to undergo sensitivity training.

Mr. Meshanko would explain to the agents what happens in the amygdala — the portion of the brain “responsible for assessing threats”: A $115 ticket, he said, is enough of a threat to set off a blast of stress hormones to keep someone angry for a couple of hours. He would then tell the agents why words like “I got you, buddy” should never cross a traffic agent’s lips.

He knows just how much of a challenge sensitivity is for people who worry that things will get a little too up close and personal.

“One of our larger clients is the Internal Revenue Service, another organization that’s not thought warmly of,” said Mr. Meshanko, the managing partner of the Cleveland office of the Edge Learning Institute.

Read the entire article >>

Say Thank You, Often

The first thank-you notes I ever wrote were for Christmas presents. My mother, sister and I would sit down the day after Christmas with our boxes of notecards and lists of gifts. Everyone who had given us a gift received a handwritten thank-you note. This at first seemed like a daunting task for an eight-year-old, but as the years rolled by it became a routine to look forward to. Learning to compose a note that had some personality was the challenge. Penmanship was also important. Cards with mistakes had to be discarded and begun anew.

There are many times when writing a note of thanks is important. There is a certain feeling of warmth one gets from writing them. You should send a thank-you note when you are given a gift, sent flowers, asked to lunch or dinner, invited for a weekend, asked to a concert or performance or when someone does something nice or helpful in a business or social situation such as an introduction or letter of reference. I write far too few thank-you notes. However, I do make a point of phoning soon after an occasion such as dinner. People appreciate knowing that the effort that went into cooking dinner and the camaraderie of the time spent together with friends was genuinely enjoyed.

I find thank-you notes strengthen friendships and relationships, especially in business situations which are just budding. When someone extends themselves to celebrate a happy occasion, lend a helping hand, make an introduction for you or acknowledge a difficult time, take the time to write a note. It takes only a few minutes.
You can even buy notecards at the dollar store, so there’s not a lot of expense required to accomplish this mission.

In business situations, thank-you notes can be sent via e-mail. It is a matter of discretion, however, and a handwritten or typed note may serve your purposes better. Whatever you decide, be sure the note is sincere and includes a reference to the purpose of your meeting. If you are sending a note to an interviewer from whom you want a job, be sure not to send a gift. In most companies as well as in government, there are policies against accepting gifts.

The most important thing to remember is to say thank you often. There are so many more occasions to verbally express your gratitude to another person than there will be reasons for a handwritten note. Use the phone if you want to. Speak directly to the person to whom you are grateful. I know of no one who says thank you too often. Say it with a smile on your face and make direct eye contact. This will go a long way to show the respect you have for others and for yourself.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews, NB, Canada. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.

In her book, Erica provides a wake-up call for employers by detailing why respect, as a core value, is so imperative. She then provides a persuasive argument why organizations should embark on the road map to respect. Particularly compelling are her personal workplace anecdotes as well as the case studies featuring some of the largest companies in Canada, who are getting respect right.

Below Erica discusses Road to Respect: Path to Profit, why creating a respectful workplace is so important and what organizations can do to become an Employer of Choice.

RW: Your book is about creating a respectful workplace culture? Why is that so important for employers?

EP: Human relationships are key to any business. The quality of those relationships is a critical determinant of bottom line success.  Ideally, employees should to be able to work together and communicate with each other to produce the best product or provide the best service for their customers and/or clients. This is particularly important in the reality of today’s recessionary economy. Companies that want to survive and thrive in these times must be resilient, creative and adaptive and that won’t happen without healthy workplace relationships, characterized by open and honest communication.  Disrespectful behaviors like harassment and bullying produce fear based cultures which diminish trust, resulting in damaged and destroyed relationships. This impacts directly on the bottom line. 

RW: You give some great examples of successful Canadian businesses promoting respectful workplace cultures but is your book also applicable to US based businesses? If so, how?

EP: Absolutely.  After all, Canada is the largest US owned corporation!  Seriously, the basis for respect at work flows from the universal declaration of human rights, the idea that human beings, regardless of where they live or work, deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Neither American nor Canadian employees want to be bullied or harassed at work.  Businesses that adopt respectful workplace practices will attract and retain the best and brightest, employees who are committed and focused on doing a great job. And that spells business success in the US and Canada. 

RW:  We hear a lot about workplace bullying nowadays. What exactly is this and how does it differ from harassment?

EP: To put it simply, workplace bullying is a pattern of mean, nasty, rude behaviour at work.  It is intentional, power based behavior, where one person purposefully sets out to inflict  psychological harm on another person, either a subordinate or a co-worker. It can be overt, like yelling and public humiliation, or it can be overt and subtle, like spreading malicious rumours, constant criticism and unwarranted blame for mistakes or problems.

Bullying is different from harassment in a number of ways. Workplace harassment is a legal issue for employers, flowing from Title VII which prohibits discrimination on a number of personal characteristics like race, colour, religion and sex. Harassment is considered to be a type of discriminatory behavior. In workplace bullying, employees are not targeted because of race or sex as is the case with harassment.  Instead, they are targeted because they are bright, capable and good at their jobs: seen as a threat by those who bully, motivated by jealousy, competitiveness and insecurity.      

RW:  Where do you suggest employers start if they want to create a culture of respect?

EP: Chapter 10 of Road to Respect, Leading the Change, starts with a quote from Albert Schweitzer – “Example is not the main thing in influencing others.-  It is the only thing.” Business leaders must start by asking themselves if they will be prepared to model the respectful behaviour they want to promote in their workplaces. The critical starting point must be dialog, lots of it, about what a culture of respect really means and what respectful leadership implies.  
 
RW: You mention the 3 A’s of respectful leadership. Can you briefly describe those for us?

EP: The 3A’s of respectful leadership are accessibility, availability, and accountability. Tony Hsieh, CEO of online shoe retailer Zappos is a great example of a leader who practices the 3A’s. He decided that if he was going to have an open door policy, he would get rid of the door altogether and sit among his employees, so that he could develop relationship and be part of the conversation on an ongoing basis. Respectful leadership is relationship based. Employees should be able to access leaders for support, clarification, or whatever they need to succeed at work. Many employees only have a conversation with their supervisor when something is wrong, or if they are fortunate to have an annual performance review. Respectful leaders ensure that they develop ongoing communication with each employee on their team, providing feedback and receiving feedback. Both leaders and those they lead know that they are accountable for demonstrating respectful practices that sustain a respectful workplace culture. 

RW: Thanks Erica!

Erica Pinsky, B.A., M.Sc, CHRP, is an engaging and inspirational speaker, author and consultant working with organizations to build respectful and inclusive workplace cultures that attract and retain quality employees. Creative, dynamic and results oriented, Erica is passionate about promoting workplace cultures where employees feel engaged, comfortable and focused on their jobs in an environment free from discrimination, harassment, bullying and destructive conflict. Erica’s new book, Road to Respect, Path to Profit gives companies a road map to success in today’s challenging business climate.