A Moment to Rest

Even in Dark Places

2014-06-13T12:49:00.000-04:00

Depression is real.

Depression can swallow a person whole and when it finally spits them out - they aren't the same.

Being sad is just a part of life. An emotion we all deal with - but when sadness turns to darkness - it's extremely hard to get out. No one choses to be depressed, it like a tunnel you start to walk down and before you know it the light behind you is very dim. The longer you are in the dark - the more adjusted your eyes get too - and then it doesn't seem so bad, silence becomes your friend, and that cold feeling you once had - you've now acclimated to.

Depression is lonely, but then there comes a point where being alone makes sense. You tell yourself that no one else should have to suffer through your misery - no one else should have to be burdened with your pain. You convince yourself that where you are, is best for everyone.

Depression is exhausting. Depression sucks the very life out of you. Everything is hard, it all takes so much effort. Getting up, getting dressed, eating, going somewhere - even talking becomes a chore. It's if the world has become so heavy, and you just don't have the strength to even try.

BUT THERE IS HOPE!

The bible reminds us time and time again that you are never too far from Jesus. That He is as close as the mention of His name. That even in the dark places He is there. Even at your weakest He is strong. And no matter how different you feel - the transforming power of Jesus - can help you.

Yes, you may still battle hard days, but you are never alone.

Even if I am afraid and think to myself,
“There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,
the light around me will soon be turned to night,”

You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.

For You the night is just as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.

Psalm 139:11-12

*If you feel this way, there are professional people to help you. Your pastor, your doctor, or even a friend. Asking for help is not easy (no one wants to admit they have a kryptonite) - but let me tell you friend - it is worth it! Getting help doesn't make you weak - getting help makes you strong!

*If I can pray for you - please let me know! It is my privilege to hold you up in prayer!

A MESS OF A MOM

2014-05-10T16:37:00.000-04:00

I am a mess

And I am a mom

I am selfish

And I am a mom

I fail daily

And I'm a mom

I drop the ball, let people down, and disappoint

And I'm a mom

I honestly have the best of intentions everyday - and rarely does it turn out that way

And I'm a mom

I yell, and get angry, and say things I shouldn't

And I'm a mom

I give in, give up, and wanna quit too many times that I can count

And I'm a mom

I get tired and I get worn out

And I'm a mom

I make lots of mistakes, mishaps, and messes

And I am a mom

Being the first child, overachiever that I am Mother's Day has become a day I make a mental list of all the ways I am failing this "high calling" that God has given me for three amazing, impressionable souls. I look around and see strong, powerful, beautiful women with clean, sparkling, well behaved kids by their sides - and I'm trying to spit wash yesterdays dirt off one kid's face while squeezing the other's hand tightly as he wiggles out. By the time we've celebrated the mother with 15 kids at church (who by the way smiles and speaks sweetly to everyone) I'm on a downward low. After the crowded lunch at a restaurant where I've stopped 2 food fights, and made 6 trips to the bathroom - I'm ready to take my cold lunch in a to-go box and just go home.

I look at these sweet faces and wonder why God would think I would be any good at this. I am beyond thankful and grateful for each of them, and could not imagine a moment of life without them - but sometimes I truly believe they teach me more than I ever teach them. I wonder if I should be saving for their college or just for therapy. I often pray "Lord, do you know what a mess I'm making?" - And every time - God says "Yes, but I called you - and I got this - cause I got you."

God's word is full of unqualified, messed up people - who keep making mistakes and wrong choices - and yet God called them, he used them, and he never gave up on them.

I don't have to have it altogether - I just have to have God

I don't have to know it all - I just have to have God

I don't have to be it all - I just have to have God

I am a mom - but I am also a child of God - and that is enough

Each time he said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities. 2 Corinthians 12:9 TLB

I'm Mad

2014-04-28T23:20:00.000-04:00

I'm mad.

I'm mad at sin.

I'm mad at what sin does to people.

I'm mad at what it does to families, to friends, to churches, to communities.

I'm mad at what sin has done to this world.

I'm mad at what sin has done to me.

I'm mad.

Because of sin we have distrust, destruction, disgust, divorce, disease, and death.

Because of sin we have pain, we have loss, we have grief.

Sin separates us from love.

It takes us away from those we love.

Sin brings suffering, sadness, and sorrow.

I hate sin.

And I'm mad.

BUT then I am reminded that...

Sin doesn't win!

Love does!

For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. John 3:16 (Amplified Bible)

Love brings hope.

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] John 16:33 (Amplified Bible)

Love brings life.

Jesus told him, “I am the Way—yes, and the Truth and the Life. No one can get to the Father except by means of me. John 14:6

Love brings joy.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Love brings peace.

Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. Psalm 46:10
(Amplified Bible)

Love brings a future.

Don’t get lost in despair; believe in God, and keep on believing in Me. My Father’s home is designed to accommodate all of you. If there were not room for everyone, I would have told you that. I am going to make arrangements for your arrival. I will be there to greet you personally and welcome you home, where we will be together. John 14:1-3 (The Voice)

I'm still mad at sin.

But I'm thankful for LOVE.

I'm thankful for GOD.

I'm thankful for HOPE.

I'm thankful for a FUTURE.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that. Jeremiah 29:11 (The Voice)

And I am most thankful for an ETERNAL FUTURE where there is no sin!

He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever.” Revelation 21:4 (The Living Bible)

My Driving Lesson

2014-04-24T10:03:00.000-04:00

After reading the article "Dear Religion, I Quit You!" by Bart Millard - it got me thinking about my driving lesson:

When I was probably about 10 yrs old we had a stick shift car, and dad use to let me help switch gears when it was just me and him in the car (this was back when you could sit in the front seat as kid). Dad had to make a quick trip up to the Coast Guard Station and I got to go with him, as he switched gears in the old Toyota my hand was on top of his and I did it too. He parked in front of the office right outside the main gate, and left me in the car. I couldn't take my eyes off the gear shift. My curiosity got the best of me and I tried shifting the gear all by myself. What I didn't realize was that even though the car wasn't running, it could still move. I shifted the gear into reverse and the car, with me in it, started quickly rolling backwards to the main road of traffic. I was panicked and screaming, scared to death. I had no idea how to make it stop. Luckily a guy dad worked with came running out and jumped in and pulled the emergency brake in just seconds before we hit oncoming traffic. I was sobbing and shaking and thankful. I can't remember what my dad said to me on the way home, but I know it had to be one of the biggest lectures of my life. My dad doesn't loose his cool often, but when he does - you listen. I remember vaguely being told the dangers of cars, people, and the power a car has. Whatever was said that day - it stuck. That fear and experience stuck so well that it wasn't until I was 26 yrs old that I got my driver's license.

Now, I had gotten my permit a few times - 3 in fact, but I could never get enough courage to really learn how to drive (or go over 15 miles an hour). I was so afraid of making a mistake, of doing the wrong thing - that I did nothing. Not until a friend of mine showed me unconditional grace. I had had many teachers, many people who tried to help me - but I either scared them to death, or frustrated them even more. I don't blame them - I was a pretty scary driver. After many tries and failures with others, a friend of mine said she could help. I warned her, I think even Edwin probably warned her, but she assured me it would be OK. I learned to drive in her green van. I remember giving her a very good reason why this was a bad idea, how I could dent her vehicle, or scratch it - to which she said it had so many dents one more wouldn't matter, or even a scratch. She was patient, and kind. She was really patient. We laughed a lot, I cried through every step - and she never gave me a hard time about it.

As the weeks went by, my confidence began to grow, and I became a lot more comfortable behind the wheel. I was able to drive faster than 15 miles an hour, switch lanes (if I had to), and even back up (which I still hate doing). Though I was doing so much better, I was still freaking out about taking the test. I had studied the book, I had spent many evenings practicing the dreaded parallel parking, but the idea of the test still made my stomach churn in knots. One night while I was practicing my friend asked me what about the test scared me so much. I took a minute to think about it (and check my mirrors) and I said "What if I fail?". I didn't realize until that moment that the very idea of failing was stopping me from even trying. She said "If you fail it, you wait a day and take it again." What!? Take it again? You mean I get another chance? I had no idea that was possible. I guess in my mind - a "do-over" was never even an option. What an incredible sense of relief and peace overwhelmed me when I finally accepted the idea of a second chance. I was finally able to relax behind that wheel and finish my practicing knowing I didn't have to be perfect, I just had to do my best, and if I messed up - I could try again.

That was the day I was introduced to Grace. Grace was something I didn't have a lot of experience with. Being the oldest child, the first born, I was always hard on myself, overachiever, big goals, bigger dreams - and when I didn't meet those high standards I felt like a failure. I also considered myself pretty self-sufficient "I'll do it myself" - was a common phrase of mine. So being at a place of vulnerability, with this great fear of driving and failing - was a scary place to be for me. I expected no mercy, but that was not what I received. Spiritually I have to admit it broke me. Once Grace is introduced into your life, it begins to seep down to the deepest parts of your heart, reaching dark places that hadn't seen the light in a very long time. Though I had accepted Christ as my Savior at the age of 8, I had never accepted the Grace that came along with it. My walk as a Christian was exhausting, and fearful - I worried much, and rested little. Scared someone would see that I wasn't this "Super Christian", afraid I would fail at the next "test" I was given in life - and expose the true failure that I felt I was.

Once I realized that God was not looking over the clouds of Heaven waiting for me to mess up so He could bonk me on my head with a giant mallet and use his giant pink eraser to permanently remove my name from the "Book of Life" - everything changed. Even though I had read my Bible, done the Sunday School lessons, and listened to the sermons - it took a vulnerable moment, and a loving friend to show me the beautiful, amazing, incredible Grace of God. I walked lighter, I held my head up higher, and I rested in God's love - not running from His Wrath. Something funny happens when you embrace the Grace of God, all the sudden you are able to give the Grace of God as well. Sin was still sin, and right was still right but covered in the Grace of God anything was possible and everyone had a second chance.

By the way, I took my test on July 3rd, and passed by the skin of teeth (I sped up on a yellow light instead of slowing down). On July 4th I celebrated a new "Independence Day"- the freedom to drive - all by myself, and the freedom to walk in the Grace of God. Sure, I still get scared, and I am still my worst critic - but I am daily reminded of the amazing Grace of God and I am thankful His mercies are new every morning!

He Knows

2014-04-19T19:37:00.003-04:00

This Easter season I wanted to share with you a song I wrote many years ago called, "He Knows".

I can't help but think that every person Jesus passed on that road to Golgotha he knew them. He didn't just know their name, or just their birthday, but he really, truly knew them. Every person he touched, every person he came in contact with. He saw their pain, their struggle, their hurt, their dark secrets. He saw them, and yet he loved them. He loved them all the way to the cross. He knows us too - and he loves us.

Below are the lyrics and the MP3 of this song. I hope that it speaks to you, and is a precious reminder that you are not alone.

He Knows Song - click here

He Knows
Andrea C. Parker

He knows the pain you feel inside
The loneliness you hide
The tears you cried last night
He knows the emptiness and shame
The heartache, hurt, and pain
He knows, He knows

And though it seems you’re all alone
Your cries heard at the throne
Oh, He knows

Verse 2
He knows that you think you cannot win
That you’re overwhelmed with sin
That you’re messing up, again
He knows the bitterness you hold
That you heart is feeling cold
He knows, He knows

And though it seems you’re all alone
Your cries heard at the throne
Oh, He knows

When you call upon His name
He’ll take away your shame
Even carry all your pain
Oh, fall upon your knees
Call his name and you will see
That you can be set free
And when you call upon His name
He’ll take away your shame
Even carry all pain
Oh, fall upon your knees
Call his name and you will see
That you can be set free
He knows
He knows
He knows

2 years Later

2014-03-31T11:33:00.000-04:00

Despite all my emotions, I will believe and praise the One

who saves me and is my life.

Psalm 42:5

Today is a hard day.

I won't lie.

Emotions get the best of me at the oddest moments.

Looking back I have learned some hard lessons, and some good ones too.

I have experienced heart-wrenching pain that made me want to throw up and give up.

Moments of such anger I could have punched a hole through a wall.

Such sadness I never thought I would be able to cry again.

The people I thought would be there - weren't.

The people I never imagined would be - were.

I had no idea how much I was loved by those around me - til then.

And I had no idea how selfish people could be when you are grieving, until then.

I saw some of the most beautiful moments of God's love, grace, peace, and kindness.

I also saw some of the most ugly, hurtful, and painful moments of humanity.

Death doesn't always make sense.

And neither does the way we deal with it.

One day I hope to look back on this tragedy and remember only the sweet moments.

The amazing people that held me up, that held my family up.

People that reached out far and near.

People that held my hand.

Hugged my neck.

Sent a card.

Made a phone call.

People who expected nothing from me but grief.

People who listened to me cry.

Who gave me permission to not smile.

People who didn't walk away from me - but towards me.

Even when they didn't know what to say or do.

I ask God everyday to heal my heart.

I ask God to help me forgive myself.

I ask God to help me forgive others.

2 years later - I still don't understand.

2 years later and I still miss Ashley.

2 years later and I still have lots of regrets.

2 years later and I still grieve.

2 years later and God is still God.

2 years later and the sun still shines.

2 years later and the rain still falls.

2 years later and my faith is strong.

Because God is still God.

And in the end that is all that matters.

What Robin Williams Taught Me About Faith

2014-03-27T23:18:00.000-04:00

When my oldest daughter was 4 and 5 years old Peter Pan was her hero. We probably watched Peter Pan at least 100 times in that time, back when videos were still the "in" thing. She never tired of watching Peter, and Wendy, Tinker Bell, the Lost Boys, and Captain Hook over and over again. We went to Disney World when she was 4 yrs old and she finally got to me Peter Pan in person. She was excited, and nervous, and thrilled, and embarrassed (especially when he kissed her on the cheek). It was a very special moment for this little girl who did "believe in fairies" and Neverland. I sometimes envied that child-like-faith. Camille is now almost 14 yrs old, and she still likes the story of Peter Pan and is now sharing that with our youngest Liam who is just about to turn 3 yrs old. But that innocent mesmerized magic of the Disney animated story, has now been replaced with a more realistic, practical understanding of just a sweet story.

We recently watched the movie "Hooked" - a more grown-up tale of Peter Pan, played by Robin Williams, and Julia Roberts as Tinker Bell. Peter Pan is all grown up, and he's gotten married, has two kids of his own, and a very stressful job. He also has all the cares and burdens of a forty year old father, and husband. When Captain Hook kidnaps Peter's kids Peter has to go back to Neverland and get them. The problem is Peter has forgotten about Neverland, about Captain Hook, Tinker Bell, Fairy Dust, and "Happy Thoughts". He is the "lost man" in Neverland. The Lost Boys and Tinker Bell work tirerlessly to teach him how to believe again, to help him believe again - but they knew that unless Peter chooses to believe - he will never be able to fight Captain Hook and get his children.

There's a scene in the movie where the Lost Boys and Peter Pan are sitting down to a giant table to eat. Everyone is starved and the Lost Boys are making comments about how great everything looks and smells. But all Peter sees is an empty table. The Boys start digging, reaching over each other, filling their plates, chomping down. But all Peter sees are empty plates, empty hands, and nothing to eat. It becomes quickly apparent that because Peter doesn't "believe" - he can't eat. He can't see the bounty of overflowing foods, or smell the aromas of pies and desserts. Peter becomes quickly frustrated and even more hungry. The new Lost Boys' leader (Rufio) starts a "war of words", (pretty much a 10 year old's name calling battle) - and Peter Pan was losing. Finally out of desperation, frustration, and the encouragement of the Boys around him - Peter finds his "inner child". He wins the name calling battle, bringing the whole group to laughter - including Peter Pan. At that moment Peter looks around and sees a table covered in brightly colored foods, satisfying smells, the world of Neverland has come alive once again to Peter Pan - he finally believed. He had let go of the practical, of all he thought he knew - and just believed.

As I sat there watching this scene with my kids I was struck by my Bible study earlier that day. I'm not sure I have ever had such a spiritual experience with a television show. God was speaking to my very soul - "See that table, my table is bigger, and my blessings overflow. See the bounty before them - mine is greater, and more beautiful. But without faith, as a child, you can't see it. Instead you hunger and you thirst, and go away hungry and frustrated. If you would only just trust, and believe - your eyes would be open to all I have set before you. I love you, and have only the best for you - good gifts, but you have to let go of the practical, and believe in the miracle. Faith to see the unseen." Tears fell from eyes, as Robin Williams had a food fight with a bunch of children. Wow God! Wow. Scripture came alive off the page as it flooded back to mind:

This is the truth: unless you change and become like little children,

you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:3

Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for,

the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen.

Hebrews 11:1

Just ask and it will be given to you; seek after it and you will find.

Continue to knock and the door will be opened for you.

All who ask receive. Those who seek, find what they seek.

And he who knocks, will have the door opened.

Think of it this way: if your son asked you for bread, would you give him a stone?

Of course not—you would give him a loaf of bread.

If your son asked for a fish, would you give him a snake?

No, to be sure, you would give him a fish—the best fish you could find.

So if you, who are sinful, know how to give your children good gifts,

how much more so does your Father in heaven,

who is perfect, know how to give great gifts to His children!

Matthew 7:7-11

My faith was challenged, my heart convicted, and my soul overwhelmed with the love of God - there in my living room watching "Hook" with my kids. I wondered what I had been missing, what joy and peace I had pushed away trying to be the "grownup". Oh God, what bounty you have for those who just trust and believe - our tables are not empty - we just can't see. I don't want to sit at an empty table, I don't want to be so right - that I'm wrong. God give me eyes of a child, and faith to believe. Replace my worry with joy, and my fear with faith. Give me "happy thoughts" so I can soar on wings of eagles - and never be lost again.

I tell you this: if you had even a faint spark of faith,

even faith as tiny as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain,

“Move from here to there,” and because of your faith, the mountain would move.

If you had just a sliver of faith, you would find nothing impossible.

Matthew 17:20

March - my least favorite month of the year

2014-03-05T15:03:00.000-05:00

Ugh! I watched the calendar and I knew that it was coming, I tried to prepare myself - thinking it wouldn't be so hard this time… and yet - it is.

Years ago, I never looked at the calendar with dislike - not even when my birthday came around. I looked forward to each new day, and new month, like a new challenge ahead. Now, that's all changed.
March has become quite the dreaded month, in fact you could say it is my absolute least favorite month of all year. On March 31st, it will be 2 years - 2 years since my brother, Ashley, died. Two years of heartache, loss, pain, grief and despair. Two years of watching my family fall apart, my parents age overnight, and for me a battle of fear, anxiety, and depression. March 31st is a day I don't want to face, and yet internally it counts down inside my heart.

Unexpected death rocks your world, it shatters everything you thought you knew - and requires you to pick it up and figure out how it all fits together again. When your kid brother, who is 29 yrs old, passes away you just don't know how to process that. This baby of the family, who you thought you would see again - talk to again - is gone…. it's just something too hard to comprehend. Grief is a process, you don't get over it overnight, or even in 2 years, or even 20 years - you learn how to live through it - not get over it.

For me, March has now become a month of regret. I wish I had called Ashley more, made a trip down to Florida to see him - hugged his neck a thousand more times. I look at the 30 days before his death and see all the missed opportunities to just let him know how much I loved him. I struggle hard to remember his laugh, his smile, his jesters and phrases. I think about all the things I put between us, reasons why we couldn't get together and things I thought were so important at the time - and now see how worthless it all was - compared to one more time to see him. I kick myself a million times for not picking up the phone and calling him more - all I have left is a text. Why wasn't he worth a phone call that day?

Oh, I could wade in the waters of regret until I drown. I could keep walking into the sea of sorrow until I'm completely under - but I can't. I can't live in the past of "What if's" and "Whys?" I can't go deep in the dark murkiness of "words not said" and "things not done". I can't stop living because my brother is gone. Because - my purpose here on earth is not finished, even though Ashely's is. Wow, that hurt to say that - brings tears to my eyes, but I know it is true. For some reason unknown to me, one I may never understand - my brother's time here on earth is over. His life began on May 14, 1982 and ended on March 31, 2012. Ashley lived 29 years, 10 months, and 18 days, a total of 10,915 days.

Only God knows why his days were shorter than mine, and though I wish they were 10 thousand more - there aren't. I can't change that, and I can't change what happened 30 days before he died, 30 hours, or 30 minutes. What I can change is the way I live however, the days I have left. Though this world is not my home, it is where I am now - and my purpose is not finished here. As I trusted God with my pain and sorrow those first moments of finding out, and those first hours, and days, I still must trust God with everyday. As hard as some days are to face, it is one more day God has given me with my family, and loved ones around. There is still a purpose for me here - and I must not waste that - especially now, seeing how precious time is.

March is still hard. I will admit it. I am not Superwoman or Super-saint. I struggle, I cry. Grief is tough. Loss is tough. I envy those who handle it better than me. I wish I could be stronger some days. I feel like I should apologize ahead of time, in case my demeanor isn't quite up to par. But I have learned that weakness is not shame - it's surrender to the ONE who is stronger. I am not sure I would be able to function at all if not for God and the way He has carried me through these last few years.

My family would appreciate your prayers - this month weights heavy on all our hearts, and prayer lifts up that cloud of pain.

Let me also say - that you don't upset someone when you mention their loss. Sometimes when you are in a tunnel of grief it feels like everyone around you has forgotten and moved on. So it's OK to mention the name of their loved one gone, it's OK to send them a card, it's OK to give them a call. Just grab their hand and say - I know this month is hard for you - and I'm praying for you. You don't have to act like you understand all they are going through - but just letting them know they are not ALONE - makes a HUGE difference. Be the hands and feet of Jesus - don't wait for someone else to be.

Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are;

help us to spend them as we should.

Psalm 90:12 TLB

Soooo It's Time to be Honest

2014-02-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

For awhile now I have felt like God has been really quiet. I was praying, I was reading but I wasn't really hearing much of anything. I don't like a lot of silence, especially from my creator. So I felt like I needed to change things up a little - and see if I could get a "better connection". So I started drinking coffee. Not because I actually like coffee (or that was the key to Jesus), but because I am getting up at 5am and need the coffee so that I can stay up and awake at that hour. I've been trying to condition myself to become a "morning person" - which is not an easy task - but I knew it was important. So, I've been setting the alarm and forcing myself up just to spend about 30-45 mins alone - just me, and Jesus, and a cup of coffee (with a lot of flavored creamer).

The Bible says "if you seek me you will find me", and that is true - but be careful what you ask for. As I've started this new routine, it's been a challenge on my physically but more on me spiritually. God started really shining some bright spotlights on some dark places, I have to say I didn't like it. But friends, we don't always have to like it - especially if we need it.

Soooooo - it's time to be honest. I have been chewing and stewing on a few things lately - wounds of the heart. I put my heart out there for the world to stomp on, my feelings were hurt, my spirit crushed. I felt stupid, and angry, and foolish - wondering how I could let it happen, again. What I should have done was take to the feet of Jesus and leave it there. But, I didn't. What I did was cried about it to Jesus, I whined about to Jesus - and I let him know just how I felt about it - but then I picked it all back up and kept stewing.

See, I felt very justified in my hurt, and frustration - very justified in my pain. I was the victim, and I wasn't ready to let it go. I wanted justice, restitution, the right to be wronged, I wanted the truth to be told! In my great and mighty wisdom I felt I needed to hold onto to it - to make sure it was taken care of. I mean if I leave it with Jesus - all he's going to want me to do is forgive and move on - and where's the justice in that? (told you I was going to be honest here)

The problem with holding onto pain, and hurt, and injustice is that it just turns to bitterness. It's not like you want it to, or you even know it is. It's like a weed that starts to grow and then take over, a vine that wraps itself around your very heart and turns it cold. As my heart grew colder, I did what anyone does - I bundled up - protecting myself with layers, and creating more and more distance from the people around me. It's a lonely place to be and it's exhausting.

As God exposed my heart, He also showed me how my wounded heart, was hurting others too. I was so defensive, my words were sharp and quick. My reactions had become defensive, so worried about being hurt again - I would try to shut down or shut people out. I was making assumptions and questioning everyone's motives. My poor family was receiving the brunt of it all, hurting the ones I loved the most.

God started bringing me to some scriptures like these one:

If you put yourself on a pedestal, thinking you have become a role model in all things religious, but you can’t control your mouth, then think again. Your mouth exposes your heart, and your religion is useless. James 1:26

But the things that come out of your mouth—your curses, your fears, your denunciations—these come from your heart, and it is the stirrings of your heart that can make you unclean. Matthew 15:18

I was now hearing from God loud and clear at our 5am coffee meetings, but now I just wanted to turn down the volume. One particular day, I heard Matthew 15:18 from two different radio programs that I just tuned into for a min, it was in my reading for the morning, and later from a conversation. I wanted to scream up to heaven "OK! OK! I GOT IT!"

The great thing about God is that he doesn't just expose things and walk away for you to figure out how to handle them, He stays right there - from the pre-op, to surgery, to recovery, and even the physical therapy afterwards. He NEVER leaves us alone to deal with things - even things we got ourselves into. As I started truly laying down my hurts at His feet, he replaced those hurts with His word. With new eyes, and a melted heart - I was able to see scripture in new way. He has changed my mourning into dancing - the weeping night is gone and the joyous morning has come.

My words have become His words. I feel like my conversations are sweeter, and not so rough around the edges. The stressful mornings of getting kids out the door for school, have become easier. There's laughter in the house before 9am, instead of tears. Instead of giving my not so great wisdom or advice with the kids I find myself sharing scripture, or an example from the Bible. Those 5am mornings have become easier to get up to (some days are still hard), but now 30-45mins doesn't seem like enough time with the Lord. I am thankful He didn't give up on me, and I am so thankful for His life changing word!

Is life still unfair? YOU BET! Do I still want justice? Or even an apology? Sure! Who doesn't? But is it worth my heart? Is it worth my relationships with family and friends? Is holding onto things I couldn't control worth God's silence? NO!
*Let me say that God had never stop talking - I had just built such a big wall of hurt, and pain, and disappointment that I couldn't hear Him.

This scripture has become my daily prayer - (OK - sometimes my hourly prayer)

May the words that come out of my mouth and the musings of my heart meet with Your gracious approval, O Eternal, my Rock, O Eternal, my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Is everyday perfect? OH MY GOODNESS NO WAY! Not even on a good day, are all the moments right. I still have so much to learn, and so much to keep working on - it's a life in progress (THANK YOU GOD!). I will say I try to shut up faster, and apologize quicker, and let it go more often.

This commandment that I’m commanding you today isn’t too much for you, it’s not out of your reach. It’s not on a high mountain—you don’t have to get mountaineers to climb the peak and bring it down to your level and explain it before you can live it. And it’s not across the ocean—you don’t have to send sailors out to get it, bring it back, and then explain it before you can live it. No. The word is right here and now—as near as the tongue in your mouth, as near as the heart in your chest. Just do it! Deuteronomy 30:14 (The Message Bible)

Dear Facebook Friend

2014-02-18T23:07:00.002-05:00

Dear Facebook Friend,

I saw your post again today. It made me sad. I know we haven't spoken in years, and not really much at all online. The last time we saw each other we thought we knew it all. Young adults with only dreams in front of us, and lots of time. But the years have gone by, and though I don't know all you've been through - and I can't imagine to pretend I understand - I see that more than time has changed you.

I remember when we would sing together, lifting our voices in praise to God. Many tears we shared, and prayers. I watched you, so many times envious of your strength and your faith. Together we saw lives changed, we saw God move. I know you remember - those things you can't forget. So when I see your pictures of your nights on the town, drinks in hand, eyes glazed over, and tired. I wonder what happened in those years since then. What changed, that now you are chasing a different plan.

Please don't get me wrong I don't look at you with pity, or shake my head in judgement. Oh, Friend, life is hard. These years in between have not been easy. Though our lives have taken different paths - my road is littered with regrets, and mistakes. I carry the bruises of the many slips and falls along the way. Even as I write this my life is not perfect! Honestly, I'm a mess most days - sometimes before my feet even hit the floor. But somehow, for some reason, God's grace and His mercy keep bringing me back, and I'm thankful.

I look back on those years we knew each other, life, and ministry, and church - and I am ashamed. Ashamed for being so "super spiritual", for not being real. I struggled then with things, inner battles, and pain - that I felt I couldn't share, even with friends. Because I thought if I was weak it meant I didn't know Jesus enough. But in all truth - when I am weak, that is when I know Jesus the most. Friend, I was wrong - and I'm sorry. I can only hope and pray that someday you will forgive me for my arrogance, and selfishness, and pride. What a fool I was to waste such a precious time more concerned about what people thought of me!

When someone's life is falling a part - there are some people who stand around and watch it burn. These people stand there and pass judgement, speculate why this happened, or take credit for knowing it was going to happen. Then there are people who walk away, it's too hard for them - they don't want to get involved, they don't know what to do - so they do nothing. And then there are the people that go running into the burning building - willing to get dirty, willing to get burned themselves, because their concern for that friend is greater than their concern for themselves, or others. I use to be the spectator, or even the one who walked away… but NO MORE!

Friend, I want you to know that I running in for you. Every time I see a post from you on my newsfeed I pray. I count it a privilege, an honor, that I have another chance to be the kind of friend I should have been so many years ago. I don't want to preach to you - you know the truth. My prayer for you is peace, abundant life - and joy that fills up the empty places. I pray that God protects you, and blesses you - shows you every day just how much He loves and cares for you. I want you to know you are not alone! And in those moments of dark doubt, when sleep won't come and too many thoughts do - that God brings light to your darkness and mercy to your pain.

Friend, I love you. I'm so glad that we could find each other on Facebook. I selfishly pray that we get to meet again in person, and I can tell you, in person, just how much you mean to me!

Your Facebook Friend,

Andrea

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus came that we may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance, to the full, till it overflows. John 10:10

Lessons learned from 2013

2013-12-31T22:02:00.002-05:00

Last year I must admit at this time I was scared of 2013. Though we had a new place to live, a new job, and a new town - all I could remember is how bad 2012 was. A year full of unexpected loss, change, and upside down reason. I honestly just asked God to help me get through 2013 "OK". I kinda feel like I walked into 2013 with one eye open, hands out in front of me, slowly feeling my way around - just not wanting to trip or fall over. God knew my trepidation and wounded heart, and just poured out a year of blessing, mercy, healing, and rest - all of which I desperately needed.

This year I've learned that God is faithful. Despite circumstances, man, and even my own choices - God is still faithful. He will never fail me, always keep His word - and His promises. When I truly trust Him, the world could crumble in around me, and I will still be OK.

I've learned that God directs your path in ways you cannot understand - but there is always purpose and reason behind what He does. In the past couple of years I have seen God "connect-the-dots" of some people in our lives in life changing ways. Old friends from the past that have come back into our lives at just the right time - in just the right way. Just amazed and in awe of God's timing - it is always perfect - no doubt about it.

I've learned that grief is not something you can just "get over". Loss is painful, it's traumatic, and it can change you for the better or the worse. You can't ignore it, you can't push your way through it - you must walk through it and deal with it - so you can heal. Grief can be ugly and make you face some very ugly things about yourself and others, but it can also be beautiful and can open up your eyes to a whole new realm of beauty in the world.

I've learned that forgiveness is a process, that requires a lot of letting go. Wounds that cut deep require the Great Physician. Only God can heal that kind of paralyzing pain. Forgiving does not mean you excuse behavior - it means you choose to heal instead of hurt.

I've learned that God isn't finished with me yet. That even though I a mess inside and out, have a thousand things to work on, I fail, and pretty much trip over my own two feet daily - God still has a plan for my life. As long as I have breath to breathe, I am needed on this earth.

I've learned that hope is a beautiful and a scary thing. Allowing myself to look forward, to hope again and to dream again is a pretty terrifying and exciting thing at the same time. 2014 comes with lots of anticipation, ideas, and faith that with God in control - I can face whatever comes my way. I'm walking into 2014 with eyes open - I don't want to miss a thing!

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14

Hope and a Boat

2013-12-19T10:30:00.001-05:00

Christmas and hope seem to go together. There is a sense of anticipation, children hoping for that special gift under the tree, parents hoping for that holiday bonus. Others are looking forward to vacation time, or maybe family coming into town. Even the nativity story is full of hope and excitement. This season there are a few more smiles, cheery music, and people seem to go out of their way to do something nice for someone else. Or at least that's what the Hallmark movie tells us (btw I have nothing against Hallmark Christmas movies).

Now imagine you are in a sailboat in the middle of the ocean, the wind is quiet, the water is still. It's dark, clouds cover the moon only allowing a little light at a time. You are alone on this boat, not another boat or person in sight - adrift at sea. You've tried to raise the sails, you've tried to row your way to shore, you've yelled for help so long you've lost your voice. You've given up on being rescued. You're exhausted, and all you see around you is a sea of impossibility. You sit there waiting to die, surviving only by the will of life - the very sound of silence is becoming too loud. That is a picture of lost hope - and I've been there. At times it didn't even seem like I was in a boat, more like I was just treading water, wondering when my legs would give out. The idea of just sinking into the abyss becomes more and more attractive and feels like the only way I would ever find rest. It's a scary place to loose hope, but it does happen - and sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep "surviving" you just can't keep it up anymore. When you are in that place you could be in a room surrounded by a hundred people, and yet you feel all alone.

As a Christian it's a hard place to be. You not only are suffering from this hopelessness that feels like it's swallowing you alive - but you are wrestling with the guilt of what all your Christian friends are saying. Like Job's friends who had an answer for all of Job's suffering. You are questioning everything - your salvation, God's existence, your purpose, your very reason for being alive. Some people around you look down at you - tell you to have "more faith" - others wonder (some out loud) what sin you won't let go of. The weight of guilt and regret weighs you down - and nothing seems fair.

Whatever the reason for you being in this place, you need to know that you are not a "bad" person for being there, and you are not the only one that has been there. Too many plastic faces and painted smiles have given this false reality that everything and everyone is "fine" - when the truth is they are not. How can we live in a fallen world, surrounded by tragedy and pain and all be "fine"? We all struggle with stuff - and sometimes that stuff becomes so great that it knocks the very wind out of our sails.

Let me tell you right now YOU ARE NOT ALONE! No matter how far you feel, how empty and lost, how dark the sky - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Jesus was in the boat with the disciples - and HE IS WITH YOU TOO! And if you could see through the dark and the fog you would see so many others in their own boats drifting too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So here's some things I want to share with you about how I battle this. I don't claim that these are the be all end all answers - but I will tell you they have helped me.

1) Don't be afraid to ask for help
This means you have to admit you need help and I know that is hard to do. I am all about "doing it myself" since I was probably three years old. But this you cannot do alone. Go see your doctor, sit down and just share what you're feeling. If you can't do it - ask a friend to go with you. Other people around us see a lot more than we do about ourselves, and a good friend will be a true mirror and tell you what they really see. Your doctor is a good place to start.

2) Start talking
Find a counselor, preferably a Christian counselor - there are low cost and sometimes free offices, don't let $ be the deciding factor. Sometimes even your insurance will help pay the cost. You need to find someone who is a professional you can just unload on without any question of repercussion or judgement. Call a church, ask if they have counseling - if you aren't sure where to start. This is important for your wellbeing - silence makes it worse.

3) Pray
Yep - I went there. How do you pray when you feel like no one is listening? Or you're pretty mad at God right now for where you are at? Just do it. Praying isn't about be eloquent, or fancy, or even really having to make sense. Praying is communicating - and if right now the only way you can communicate is yelling - then do it. God can handle it - He can take it. What if you haven't spoken to Him in years? Doesn't matter. God has been sitting by the phone waiting for you to call since the day you hung up. He hasn't changed His number and He's not going anywhere. If you can't talk, then write it. Just like you'd write a letter - either hand written or type on the computer. He's waiting, and He's listening.

4)Soak in the Word
God's word is powerful. It speaks to a place so deep we sometimes aren't even aware it's there - until we need it again. Read the Psalms - but find a more contemporary translation like "The Message", or the "The Voice". These newer more modern translation just bring the Psalms to a more conversational perspective. David's complaints, his praises, and his woes seem very relatable. I'm not saying these are the only version to ever read - I'm just saying find a translation that helps you. What if you reading is too hard right now? Then listen to the audio - play it while you are sleeping, or doing housework, driving - working on something. Here's a great Bible website I use that has a ton of translations and audio http://www.biblegateway.com God's word will revive your worn out heart, and it will seep down into those dark places. And when that one verse leaps out at you - write it down- post it on your wall. Hold on to those promises - because God's word does not return void! Moses, David, Samuel all reminded God of what His word said - and you can do that too. When you start to feel like there is NO future - you go back and read Jeremiah 29:11 - God promises you a HOPE and a FUTURE!

5)Don't isolate yourself
It's so easy to become a hermit, to think that you don't want to burden others with your sadness. You don't feel very sociable, so what's the point? The Bible says Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18. We need each other, for encouragement, for accountability, for help. When Saul went after David he ran and hid in the caves, but God didn't let him be there alone. He sent others that were "outcasts" - and they found a way to help each other. Remember that we are all broken - some are just better at hiding it than others.

6)Play uplifting music
When I'm down it's amazing what a difference some uplifting music can do to help me. I'm partial to Christian music - because of the truth of Christ, and the hope of the scriptures. I don't recommend country, it tends to drag me down - all the heartbreaking, losing your truck, your dog, your wife. Even if you don't feel like singing, or listening - or you just want to crawl in bed, pull the covers over your head and sleep the day away - play music. It's funny how much we soak in without even knowing. Here's a great song that speak truth and hope

7)Don't be afraid to dream
When you experience uncontrollable circumstances that knock you off your feet - it's hard to stand up again. Even when you do finally stand you don't quite trust your footing anymore. You are kinda waiting for the next earthquake, with one eye shut - bracing yourself for the next "bad thing". It's hard to look forward when you're so busy just trying to remember to breathe. But without a future we have no direction, no reason to keep going. I will admit it is scary to dream again - it is scary to put a little hope into an unknown future, especially when you realize how quickly life can change. But you have a God who loves you, and as Hebrews 13:8 says "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Though your circumstances may change - GOD WILL NOT. Set little goals, maybe just a few things for the day or the week - with a reward at the end. Something to look forward to creates hope and though hope is scary, we need hope! "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12a

8)Help someone else
I know this seems like an impossible task. That getting up some days is a challenge -and getting dressed and showered that day is a feat on its own. But I'm not asking you to lead a Bible study or go adopt ten children from Africa - helping someone doesn't have to be that big. Maybe it's just taking the shopping cart back for that mom struggling with her toddler and groceries, or maybe it's sending a card to someone you know who lost a loved one - and just saying "I understand". Maybe it's holding the door for the widow, or smiling at the tired bank teller, or maybe just paying for the car behind you in the drive-thru window. When you help someone else it puts a crack in those dark clouds, gives a little wind to those sails. It doesn't have to be much, but as you start to look outside yourself - you will begin to heal.

I wish I could say it will all be OK - but I can't. Or that one day you will wake up and it will all be better-but I can't. I do want you to know that even if you can't see the shoreline - it's there. Somedays will be great, and some not. It's a daily challenge to fix your mind on the right things: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8

If you need prayer - I will pray for you! Prayer is powerful and we need each other to pray. I need your prayers! In fact I covet them! This world is too hard to walk alone, and no matter where you are we can pray for each other!

Friend, please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE - THERE IS HOPE - and as long as you have breath in your lungs - GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU here on earth. Hold on - the wind will blow again, and your boat will move again!

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For theLord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Special

2013-12-10T11:32:00.000-05:00

I have this cup, it's actually a tea cup and saucer, that is blue and white with gold accents. A dear friend of mine gave to me as gift, over 20 years ago - after he had come back from a missions trip to Russia. I'm sure the blue and white building on the tea cup is Russian, but I have no idea what it is. It is my favorite cup in the house. Some of the gold as worn off (or sparked off when accidentally put in the microwave). The saucer has a small chip in it, and the blue paint is definitely worn - but I don't care it's still my favorite cup. When I fill this tea cup with hot cocoa, or hot tea I immediately feel better. When I carry the delicate cup and saucer to the table or a comfy chair I feel dainty, special, important - like the Downton Abbey ladies sitting down for afternoon tea (even though I still have yesterday's makeup on my morning face and my ugly-comfy sweatpants). This little cup and saucer transports this tired, worn out, mother of 3, who desperately needs a shower, and a full time cleaning crew - to a special place.

How can this little cup and saucer do something so magical? I think it's because of the gift. I am not a dainty, fragile, girly-girl. Even 20 years ago when this gift was given I didn't give off that impression. I've always stood toe to toe, shoulder to shoulder with the guys - and not been afraid to get my hands "dirty". I don't take a lot of time out for myself, spa days are not on my agenda, even getting my nails done or pedicures seems like a waste of time and money to me. But this little cup and saucer makes me feel like I should take time. It makes me pause in the middle of my mess and enjoy a moment, savor a second - breathe. I guess to me this gift has always said "Take time", "You're worth it", "You deserve to feel special". I have never had a discussion about it with the giver - but irregardless that's the message I got from it. You may just see a cup and saucer - but I see a neon sign blinking "YOU ARE SPECIAL!!".

I wonder how many gifts we miss everyday that God has put in front of us. Gifts that he has given to say "You are special!"- gifts that shout "I LOVE YOU!" and we walk by and see nothing but an old cup and a chipped saucer. Every sunrise, every sunset is unique and different - beautiful, bold, colorful - all for the creator to show his creation how much He cares. Every snowflake he allows to fall from heaven is unrepeatable - distinct in its' own beauty. Every song a bird sings is new and fresh, notes never heard until that moment. All of creation is a blinking neon sign screaming "YOU ARE SPECIAL!"

So take a moment, have a cup of tea (or hot cocoa) - and enjoy your gift - you're worth it!

Every good gift bestowed, every perfect gift received comes to us from above, courtesy of the Father of lights. He is consistent. He won’t change His mind or play tricks in the shadows.

James 1:17

(the Voice)

Disappointments

2012-09-25T23:41:00.000-04:00

In my 30 something years of living I have come across many disappointments in my lifetime. Some were minor, and others major life changers. The minor ones I was able to let go of and move on, the major ones - well not so much. When you have been let down, failed, hurt, crushed, or lost someone or something it hurts - and it hurts deep. Disappointments are a part of life but it is how we choose to handle them that makes all the difference in the world. We can become jaded, bitter, and cold-hearted, loosing sight of what God has for our lives. We can grip it tightly, or we can choose to let it go - and let God deal with it. These choices shape us, and change us - for the better or the worse.

This year I have been hit with an overwhelming amount of disappointments, heartache, and hurt. I can honestly tell you I have struggled with what to do with all the emotions and baggage that comes with that. Whenever I am dealing with something I don't have an answer for I turn to the scriptures. Something my grandparents taught me when I was little - because I had a lot of questions - and they didn't have all the answers, but they knew the ONE who did. So I started searching the scriptures for someone who didn't just have a "bad day" but a series of bad events. Of course there was Job, and I can tell you I understand that book even better now. But it was really the story of Joseph, in Genesis 37-50, that resonated loud and clear in my life.

If ever there was a man who had "permission" to be jaded or bitter it would Joseph. In Genesis 37 we see a boy who was favored by his dad, but not by his brothers - in fact his brothers hated him so much they planned to kill him and throw him in a pit. One brilliant brother decided that selling him as a slave made more sense (go figure) and so in one short afternoon he went from beloved son and brother to a no-named slave for sale to the highest bidder. I can't imagine the thoughts of hurt, loss and disappointment that went through his mind. The questions of "Why?" and "How?" that he asked God over and over. His own family rejected him, sold him out, and on top of that were telling his father a LIE to cover up what they did. His whole life was turned upside down, those he trusted let him down - he was homeless, alone and at the mercy of strangers.

Joseph had all the right in the world to become bitter, angry, and resentful - but he didn't. 20 Years later after being a slave, unjustly accused and imprisoned, promised help and forgotten, he was finally recognized for his faith, and leadership - and placed as the ruler of Egypt by the Pharaoh himself. When Joseph got to see his brothers again after 20 years, he had a choice - and this was what he chose:

But Joseph replied, "Don't be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don't be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children." So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them. Genesis 50:19-21

I have to be honest and say I'm not sure I would have had the same reaction. How could someone who had been through as much as he had speak "kindly" to his brothers? I don't think Joseph got there quickly, in fact I'm pretty sure the years of serving, and solitude in prison gave him a lot of time to think and pray and pray some more. When the world gets knocked out from under you - you land on your knees.

The bible says that the Lord was with Joseph, He never left him - and He never leaves us either, even in our disappointments. He can handle our questions, our fears and even our anger. And He can take all of that and use it to mold and shape us - but only if we let Him. The choice Joseph made was one of looking outward, instead of inward. We must choose every day of our lives to not be so focused on all we've lost, but on all we have gained. Our purpose here is not just for ourselves but for those around us, and when we walk in that we let go of us and get ahold of HIM.

I am by no means saying that I have achieved this - every day I have to let it go, lay it down, and look around at what I have, and the reason I am here. Grieving what you lost is important, and that does require an inward focus, but healing comes when you can look outside your pain and into others.

Only by His strength!

Finding My Voice Again

2012-09-16T15:10:00.001-04:00

I love to sing. I love music. I was singing maybe before I was walking. I could turn just about anything into a microphone, and a stage. Mom had me singing at nursing homes, restaurants, in school, in church, and anywhere else anyone would listen. As I grew up and my relationship with the Lord deepened and changed, my love for music and songs, and songwriting did too. I realized the power of music, and words - and the ministry it has to others.

When my brother, Ashley, died my mother asked me to sing at the funeral. I didn't know HOW I was going to do that, but I knew that I needed to. I have sung at many funerals, they are not my favorite place to sing. I have come to realize over the years it is my way of being able to minister to the family involved. In the past few years I have sung at a couple really tragic funerals, young children. These funerals were so difficult, I prayed for strength for every word, every note. I knew that the words of the songs were so important to bring healing, and love. Now I had to sing at my own family's funeral, and I couldn't even begin to think it through. Usually the family will request a certain song, and I am very willing to follow their request. Mom didn't have a song, she said whatever I did would be just right. I struggled and prayed and for a song. Every word was different now - every note was louder.

It really wasn't until 2am the night before the funeral that I settled on one. I went down to the hotel lobby that morning to print out the words, because I knew I would need them. We had the viewing first, and then the service - it was harder than I could ever imagined. Edwin (my husband) was giving the eulogy, and we both were white-knuckled-holding-on-with-everything-to-Jesus, that afternoon. I sang "It Is Well", a capella. Knowing that the man that wrote that song wrote it in his grief, after his daughter's drowned, gave me solace. Only by the very strength and grace of God did I get through. It was by faith alone I could stand there with tears streaming down face and sing "It is well with my soul".

Somewhere after the funeral I lost my voice. I didn't literally loose my voice, I could still sing - but I lost the will to sing, and the love for music. The Christian radio which we played 24/7 in our house and car was just piercing noise to me. I couldn't listen. Choir practice and worship hurt my heart so bad I could barely stand it. Words and songs that I had sung just a month earlier with all I had in me - I could barely utter the words. Everything felt different, it sounded different, the words were now all different - I was different. I can honestly say that it wasn't that I didn't believe those songs anymore, but my perspective on them changed. Words like "faith", "trial", "burden", "hope", "heaven", "hell" - they all had a tangible meaning now. I had to find my voice again.

So here's a few things I've learned and am still learning about singing and more importantly worship.

I learned that it was OK to worship God with my sadness, with all my tears, my hurt, and my pain - for the world to see.

Ecclesiastes 3 says: "There is a time for everything,and a season for every activity under the heavens:a time to weep and a time to laugh,a time to mourn and a time to dance,"

People need to see not just our laughing and our dancing, but our sadness too- it makes us real.

Even Jesus wept, or mourned - and people were moved by that.
John 11:35-36 Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

God wasn't showing me that I couldn't be happy, or that I should spend my worship time lamenting in sorrow - but just to be real.

My brokenness will minister to people, and myself, far more than my pride ever will.

I learned to worship God in silence.

I didn't have to have the top 20 Klove worship songs playing, a cool guitar riff, or even me singing - I can worship Him in silence.

In fact sometimes I've been so concerned over how great the music sounds, or even how I sound that I couldn't hear his still small voice. I needed to shut everything up, and listen.

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 King 19:11-12

I was reminded who the worship was for.

David appointed some of the Levites to be ministers before the ark of the Lord, to celebrate the Lord God of Israel, and to give thanks and praise to Him. 1 Chronicles 16:4

Worship wasn't about me, it wasn't for the congregation, it wasn't to fill in space before the sermon - it was FOR GOD, TO GOD, and ABOUT GOD. (Sometimes I think we say that but we don't really live that)

Worship is powerful!

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly place. Ephesians 6:12

When you are in the throes of grief, depression and sadness can overtake you.

When I realized that the songs I am singing aren't for me - they are for Christ and as I sing about how faithful He is, and how thankful I am - His presence fills my sadness - and the enemy has no place to be.

It's OK to hurt, it's OK to be in pain - Satan wants to leave you there alone - God wants to join you - right where you are.

God started me on this journey the day I sang at Ashley's funeral. It's a journey I'm still on. I can sing again, with the radio - and even on Sundays. But Worship isn't a song, it's not even music - worship isn't about the lighting, a guitar, a horn, or even an organ. Worship is realizing how broken we are, and how perfect He is - in every moment of every day of our lives.

But an hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth. Yes, the Father wants such people to worship Him. God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” John 4:23-24

Walking Through The Darkest Valley

2012-09-10T14:53:00.000-04:00

"Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."

I never had a true concept of what the "darkest valley" really was until April 1, 2012. In the very early morning hours I got a phone call that shook my very foundation. My 29 year old brother, Ashley, had died in a cave diving accident. He had been diving with some of his buddies at Weeki Wachee Springs, in Florida, on March 31st and had an embolism under water that took his life. My beautiful brother was gone, and our family was shattered.

I spoke to my parents briefly and hung up the phone trying to make sense of something that made no sense at all. So many emotions flooded my heart and my mind, questions I would never get answers to, and pain so deep I could barely breathe. I didn't know who to call, what to say, how to handle - I was at a loss. Edwin held me as I cried, we cried together. I called my sister, we cried some more. I called a family friend, a few people from church, and cried some more. My dearest friend was on her way home from India and I couldn't reach her, that made me cry some more.

It was a Sunday and Edwin had to be at service in a few hours - I tried to sleep but I just cried. It was April 1st, Liam (our youngest) very first birthday - and I didn't, couldn't even begin to think of celebrating. I thought how in just a month Ashley would have been 30, and now we wouldn't be celebrating that. I cried some more. At some point the sun came up and morning came, but in my mind I didn't understand why the sun would even rise - not today. Edwin left for church, and we decided not to tell the kids until he came home - just too hard for me to deal with their loss and mine by myself.

Liam cuddled with me in bed as my tears spilled on his little head. The little guy never even got to meet his uncle Ashley. A thousand regrets went through my mind, a million wishes I will never have. The other two awoke, surprised we weren't going to church but happy to have the morning free. They could see I was upset, and asked - I told them I was "OK" and we'd talk about it when dad got home. It was the longest 4 hours. I was thankful for the distraction of TV for the kids and sleepy baby. The whole world seemed so far away, alone is almost not enough of a word to describe the feeling - it was the deepest, darkest valley.

The next week was chaos, and unbelievably painful. We drove to Florida, where my parents, grandparents, and sister and her family were headed as well. I watched my parents age right before my eyes. My grandparents, who were the strongest people I know, suddenly became frail. I saw my aunts, cousins, and family friends in a place of sadness I had never seen. I told my sister I loved her a thousand times, wishing I could say it a thousand more. I held onto scripture like never before, gripping so tight my hands hurt. Somehow we made it through a viewing, funeral, an obituary,his friends and our family and those worlds colliding, and an awful long drive back to Virginia (with sick kids).

I was spent, lost, hurting, exhausted, and in pain. My world flipped over, and what seemed so big and important, didn't matter anymore. I can only describe my pain like a really bad burn - that burned deep, stung, and radiated heat. The kind of pain that is so bad that it's consuming. In the beginning I functioned because I had to, my kids needed me to, Edwin needed me to - but I did it with almost a robotic feel - overwhelmed with so much hurt and pain. Food didn't taste good, TV seemed worthless, life was different - because it was different.

When you are in a deep, dark valley - your perspective changes. Sunlight hurts your eyes, darkness becomes your friend. Not darkness like evil, more like emptiness - a nothingness. In the dark no one sees you crying, in the dark you can scream and no one can hear, in the deep, dark you don't have to deal with the rest of the world's problems - because you can't. Being in a deep, dark valley means you have face some deep, dark things - but that may not be all bad. Sometimes we need to stop, and change focus - and see what really is important. In a deep, dark valley it becomes very quiet, and you can listen - to your heart, and to God's heart too.

I'm still walking through this valley, but I am not afraid because I know HE is close beside me.

The One to Count On

2012-03-06T23:34:00.000-05:00

"I am counting on the LORD; yes, I am counting on him. I have put my hope in his word." Psalm 130:5

There's not a lot to count on these days. Car break down, favorite restaurants shut down, even gas prices can't stay down. In this time of presidential campaigns and lots of promises we hesitate to even believe what is being said. We live in a fallen world, where people, places, and things let us down - BUT GOD WILL NOT, and has not - we can count on Him!

The older I get the more precious the Bible has become to me. The sweet promises of the Lord, the love letters of truth, peace, and life. I am learning to hold them closer to my heart. When I am disheartened by this world and it's disappointments, all I have to do is turn the pages of my bible and see how dependable and powerful my God is to me. Time and time again I read of how He delivered His people, He loved his people, He blessed his people. Always keeping his promises, and always faithful (even when His people were not).

I don't have the greatest memory, and can't always quote it word for word, but how thankful I am that it is God's precious word that comes to my mind when the lies of the enemy whisper in my ears. His Word is powerful - use it, read it, devour it, soak it in - and never let it go! God's promises are true!

A Difference

2012-03-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tables of the Testimony in his hand, he did not know that the skin of his face shone and sent forth beams by reason of his speaking with the Lord. Exodus 34:29 (Amp Bible)

Wow this scripture challenged me! Moses was in the presence of God - and people could see it. It made me wonder - do people see something in me after I've spent time with the Lord? Do they see it when I don't? Not a fake smile, not a hyped up attitude - but a genuine change in my countenance.

If I am truly seeking the Lord, I will find Him - and He will find me. I want to sit in His presence until there is a change, in my thinking, in my speaking, in my spirit, in my very appearance. How about you?

Support

2011-07-17T23:55:00.000-04:00

Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. Exodus 17:12

I think it is rather comical to start a blog called "Resting In Him" right before having a baby - which as we all know is the opposite of resting EVER again... LOL - Seriously I want to apologize for not getting to my blog - it has been way too long - but the only thing on my lap the last few months has been a newborn - not a laptop. He is finally sleeping through the night - which means - I have a little bit of time before I do the same... maybe.

I was thinking tonight of a dear friend of mine - one that has seen me through some major ups and downs of my life. How she could still stand to be friend after seeing the good, bad, and the ugly sides of me - I will never understand - but I am so grateful she has! This brought me to think about this scripture in Exodus - about Moses and his friends. Moses needed help - and his friends became the support he needed to accomplish the battle that was being fought.

The Israelites and the Amalekites were fighting - and Moses' job was to keep his staff up. When he kept his staff up - the Israelites had the advantage - when his arms dropped - the Amalekites began to succeed. I am sure at first this wasn't difficult - no problem - he could do this - that doesn't seem so hard. But as time went on and the day grew longer - this simple job became harder and harder, and Moses grew tired. I don't see in scripture where he yelled for help, or complained so loud someone heard him, or threatened to give up if someone didn't take over - but what I do see are two friends that saw he was tired.

The scripture says Aaron and Hur found Moses a rock to sit on - they knew first and foremost Moses needed a firm, solid foundation to rest on - not a lazy boy - not a sleeper sofa - not a rocking chair - but a ROCK - something that would hold him and be solid for him to sit on. We need friends who leads us to THE ROCK - who don't try to cushion our fall - but steady our stand. We don't need anyone's opinion, advice, or suggestions - we need GOD - HIS WORD, HIS OPINION, HIS TRUTHS.

Aaron and Hur didn't stop there - they came up on either side of Moses and held up his hands - they became his support system. Funny, they didn't become his cheerleaders - cheering him on from the crowd. They didn't become his coach - telling him what he needs to do better. They didn't become his teacher - grading him on his conduct or behavior. They became his support - they came ALONGSIDE - they were willing to take on the burden WITH HIM - they were willing to GET IN THE FIGHT. I don't think holding Moses' arms was a glamorous job either- I can only imagine he was pretty sweaty and hot, and as far as I know - deodorant was not invented yet (I know a little gross - but just keeping real here). As a friend we have to be willing to deal with the not so pretty side (or smelly side) of each other too. Moses was exhausted, he was desperate, and he needed help - and Aaron and Hur came to his side.

We all need a support system - we all need friends who are willing to dig in, come along side,
hold us up and bear the load of the battle we are fighting. When we go through battles that require so much strength - it makes us weak - it is in those times we find some incredible friends - like Aaron and Hur. I am grateful for friends like that - and I am challenged to become one too!!

Not Guilty

2011-03-02T00:10:00.000-05:00

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus. Romans 3:23-26

When I was growing up I was sure God had a great big hammer and was just waiting for me to mess up so he could bop me on my head and "let me have it". Even after asking Jesus in my heart at the age of 8yrs old, and understanding that my name was "written in the book of life" - I had this idea that every time I sinned He took out his big pink eraser and erased my name. My greatest fear was what if He erased so many times that it just made a big hole - and He couldn't write it back. I can't tell you how many years I cried myself to sleep, hoping that God heard my "I'm sorrys" and I didn't forget anything on my list of sins for the day. I lived in such fear of this GREAT BIG GOD that I couldn't get close enough to Him to really experience His love and forgiveness.

I have to tell you that living like that is exhausting, you are always looking over your shoulder - worried you've finally did the "unpardonable sin" (which you had no idea what that was - but was SURE you would), and always thinking the reason your day went bad was because God was punishing you again. There was never any rest in Christ, no soft place - no peace - just guilt, condemnation, and unhealthy fear. It becomes so overwhelming that you either give up, or live a lie - pretending it's all good on the outside - when inside you are dying.

It wouldn't be until much later as an adult that I began to understand the mercy and grace of God. That I could comprehend His forgiveness - that covered ALL my sin, past - present - and future. And that God had forgiven me BEFORE I had even asked - He made a way - before I even knew I needed a way. That he was not holding any hammer waiting for me fail, He was not sending lighting to strike me, and there was no big pink eraser in His hand.

How could a God who sees all that I have done, and knows all I will do - love ME? Forgive me? Want me? These were questions I really struggled with, and at times I still do. I don't deserve His love, I don't deserve His forgiveness, and I truly don't deserve His presence. But that's not WHY He does it all - it's HIS LOVE that covers over a multitude of sins - it's HIS LOVE that holds me close - it's HIS LOVE. Each of us is a well thought out creation - He didn't make you or me because He needed to add one more person on this earth - He made us because HE WANTS US - He DESIRES a relationship with You - and with me. And When sin came between us - He took his beloved son to pay the cost - HIS ONLY SON - to be the payment for our sin. That's not a God who is mad at you - that is a God who LOVES YOU.

The only hammer that God is holding in His hand - is the judges gavel that He strikes down - as He declares you NOT GUILTY! LOVE PAID THE PRICE FOR MERCY!

- I love these lyrics and this song - I pray that it ministers to you - like it does to me!

NOT GUILTY - MANDISA
I stand accused
There's a list a mile long
Of all my sins
Of everything that I've done wrong
I'm so ashamed
There's nowhere left for me to hide
This is the day
I must answer for my life
My fate is in the Judge's hands
But then he turns to me and says

I know you
I love you
I gave My life to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict not guilty

How can it be?
I can't begin to comprehend
What kind of grace
Would take the place for all my sin?

I stand in awe
Now that I have been set free
And the tears well up
As I look at that cross
'Cause it should've been me

My fate was in the nail scarred hands
He stretched them out for me and said

CHORUS

I'm falling on my knees to thank You
With everything I am I'll praise You
So grateful for the words I heard You say

CHORUS

Shout Louder

2011-02-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

As Jesus and the disciples left the town of Jericho, a large crowd followed behind. Two blind men were sitting beside the road. When they heard that Jesus was coming that way, they began shouting, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!” “Be quiet!” the crowd yelled at them. But they only shouted louder, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!” When Jesus heard them, he stopped and called, “What do you want me to do for you?” “Lord,” they said, “we want to see!” Jesus felt sorry for them and touched their eyes. Instantly they could see! Then they followed him. Matthew 20:29-33

I'm not sure as Christians we are loud enough. Maybe it's not that we aren't loud enough, but maybe it's that we aren't desperate enough, we aren't in such complete need of HIM and HIS touch that we don't care what others think - what others say. When these two blind men heard that Jesus, the Son of David, the one who heals, was passing by them - they starting yelling. They didn't ask for money, they didn't ask for fame, they didn't ask for power, nothing but MERCY. They cried for MERCY! They cried for compassion, for pardon, for release, for forgiveness, tenderness, and grace. They knew what they needed, and they cried out for it. When the crowd told them to be quiet - THEY GOT LOUDER! These two blind men knew this was their one chance with Jesus - and they weren't going to be shushed by anyone. Be loud friend, be desperate, don't let anyone stand in your way with an encounter with Jesus.

When Jesus heard them - HE STOPPED, and HE RESPONDED. I imagine that he turned towards them when He asked them what they wanted. He listens friend, He listens and He responds. He asked them what they wanted - our God is in the details, and wants details - be specific with Him - He will be specific with you. He knew their need, He knew what they wanted - but He needed to hear it from them - He needs to hear from us too.

When the blind men told Jesus "We want to see!" - JESUS TOUCHED THEM. Back during that time if you were struck with an illness or born with a deformity like blindness, it was a very lonely life, begging for food and money. I can't imagine many people touched them, more people probably walked around them, ignored them even. Jesus didn't hesitate, He touched them - and He healed them! Just a touch from the Great Physician and they were healed. There is nothing about you that is untouchable by the hand of God. No matter who has walked around you, who has ignored you, or even looked down at you - JESUS DOESN'T DO THAT! He is not afraid to touch you, remember He created you - He loves His creation!

The bible says immediately they could see! IMMEDIATELY they were healed. They cried out for mercy, Jesus heard their cry, they asked to be healed, He healed them - and the bible says THEY FOLLOWED HIM. They followed Him. That's all the bible says about them - but I know the story doesn't end there. I can only imagine the testimony they shared with others, as they followed Jesus. The bible doesn't say they became perfect, or all their troubles and worries disappeared, or even their financial status changed - it just says "they followed Him".

Their day began as two blind beggars, and ended as two followers of Jesus who not only got their physical sight, but their spiritual sight opened as well. This all happened because Jesus passed by - and they got LOUD - they got desperate - they told Him their need - and HE ANSWERED!

Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!

My Day

2011-02-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

Kids late to school because homework became "all-night-and-morning-work". A few hours later the school calls, one of the kids not feeling well, pick up kid - car won't start - battery dead. Got a jump start head home and all is well. Few hours later an accident with a toilet tank lid results in a broken, cracked lid. Home phone won't work, after hours with a technician - we schedule for someone else to come next week.... it's been a busy day.

In all the things that have happened today - this has not changed: God is still good and He still loves me! Just because my day didn't go as planned, and I now have a few unexpected things to deal with - doesn't change WHO GOD IS, and how he feels about me. When I can rest in that security - I can make it through. I am not thankful for a broken toilet tank lid, a broken home phone, or a dead battery - but I can be thankful for a God who will go through it with me.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Lay it out

2011-02-24T21:33:00.000-05:00

After Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it, he went up to the Lord’s Temple and spread it out before the Lord. 15 And Hezekiah prayed this prayer before the Lord... 2 Kings 19:14-15

This scripture about King Hezekiah and the battle he was in with Assyria was in our class lesson this past week in Bible Fellowship. This particular passage has really stuck with me all week. King Hezekiah got this letter it was not encouraging, it was not helpful - it was really just the opposite - a letter of doom and gloom. Under normal circumstances it might not have been so daunting but King Hezekiah and his people had already had a bad week of heckling and threats and discouragement - this was the "final straw".

At this point in the story King Hezekiah could have done a lot of different things: he could have thrown his hands up in the air and given up, he could have lost it - thrown a fit, he could have turned around and started dishing back what he'd been hit with all week, and many more options. But King Hezekiah "trusted the Lord and was faithful to the Lord" (2 Kings 18:5-6). He and God had an understanding - he knew who he needed to turn to, and what he needed to do.

King Hezekiah took that letter and he laid it out before the Lord, and prayed. He didn't just take it to the temple and sit it down, the bible says he "spread it out before the Lord" - every word for God to see, every detail. In my visual mind - I see a broken, tired, exhausted and king humbled in sackcloth on the floor of the temple with this letter - he and this letter spread out - on his face. His prayer wasn't full of woes and mes - it was a prayer of strength and need.
(you can read his prayer here: 2 Kings 19:15-19)

Here's what struck me - LAY IT OUT BEFORE GOD - HE CAN HANDLE IT.

Did you get some unexpected news this week? How about a letter or a bill you don't know what to do with? Maybe you need to just write it out what is overwhelming you and keeping you up at night. and then LAY IT OUT BEFORE YOUR ALMIGHTY GOD. Spread it out before him and let Him see every word. He can handle it, and He will.

I Choose

2011-02-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

Today I choose:

Love over pain
Forgiveness over bitterness
Peace over chaos
Joy over anger
Grace over grudges
Mercy over mumbling
Surrender over stubbornness

Today I choose to sit at His feet, rest in His word, and soak in the moments in His presence.

What do you choose?

What HE says

2011-02-19T22:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes that "still small voice" I listen to is NOT the voice of God - but the voice of the one whose purpose is to destroy me. It's in the quiet moments that he likes to shout - and tell me about all that I am NOT and remind of the messes I have made in my life. It is at those moments that the VOICE OF TRUTH reminds of who I am in Christ. God's word is "sharper than a two edged sword" and can cut down and destroy the empty words of this world. Here are some incredible reminders of just that. Hold onto these promises friends! HIS word is true!

We say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible
He replied, “What is impossible for people is possible with God.” Luke 18:27

We say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Mat.11:28-30

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you
“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. Psalm 91:15

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.Philippians 4:13

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it
And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.Romans 8:2

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you
But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. 1 John 1:9
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: A little faith goes a long way
Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:20

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5