“The goal of formalized initiation is to uncover and grow the seeds of manhood that God has placed in the depths of the boy’s heart. The father and older men guide, direct, train, and complete that which God has already begun. It is the father’s place to ally with God in the making and finishing of the boy’s manhood. In essence, the question in the boy’s soul stems from his manhood wanting to be set free, and the initiatory rites of the father catalyze his new birth….Rites create the portal from boyhood to manhood. The father holds the key.” ~Man Maker Project, p. 20

When it comes to fathering, there is nothing more important than intentionality. And when it comes to transitioning our sons from boyhood to manhood, a father’s intention is the key. Without it, nothing happens. But with it, the father communicates to the son he is valued, important, and worth pursuing, and that the boy’s future is crucial enough to take action now.

You see, manhood is something God has planted in the heart of every male. It is not something that eludes us or a quality we must acquire or achieve. When God makes a human male he writes into his heart and life and body the very image of God, and supplies him with everything he needs to grow and mature into the fullness of manhood. In the process, he designs a mother to bring forth life to this human as a boy, and he designs a father to train, shape, and release him as a man. Boys are born, but men are made. And it is the father’s intentional fathering that releases the boy’s manhood and collaborates with God in the creation of a man.

Three Categories of Fathering

It is vital, then, for fathers to know what intentional fathering actually looks like. The world is full of models, books, resources, teachings and opinions. And while parents need practical advice in the raising of their children, far too often this advice focuses on behavior management and modification, discipline, and overall life-management (i.e. bed time routines, table manners, etc.) and misses the heart.

Three Actions of an Intentional Father
It is vital, then, for fathers to know what intentional fathering looks like. If intention is the key to unlocking the boy’s manhood, the father must attend to three specific tasks in order to effectively initiate his son. Practical fathering may involve a lot of tips, techniques and advice with regard to proper discipline, social skills training, and self-management. But intentional fathering requires much more of the boy’s heart and simultaneously much more of the father’s heart.

Check out this video from Restoration Project Advocate Bruce Stankavage. Bruce shares about how he has stepped into each of these three categories of intentional fathering with his son, Luke.

Also, be sure to pick up a copy of the Man Maker Project: Boys are Born, Men are Made book from the Restoration Project store.

For more information, contact us, visit our website, and like us on Facebook!

I stumbled across the pictures on the computer. It’s not the first time. You probably did your best to hide it, but there they were in front of my face getting etched into my brain — their naked bodies, their sexy poses.

I know who I am in Christ — that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am beautiful. But, all that gets distorted and foggy when I see those girls. The lies are screaming in my ears — they are so loud and so convincing.

You will never look like her.
She has a better body than you.
She can turn him on more than you can!
You are ugly.
You are NOT ENOUGH!

You have told me over and over that this addiction has nothing to do with me. We have a great sex-life, we are crazy about one another, you love me and my body. But this evil creeps in and spills throughout our whole home and the domino effect starts. Your sin leads to my sin and it’s an ugly web I want out of now.

I can’t breathe.

I’m dizzy from spinning around in anger, hurt and despair. How many times do I have to catch you? How many times do we have to go through this agonizing cycle — you hiding your secret, me finding out, you apologizing, me forgiving, trying to get back to normal only for it to start all over again?

I feel cheated on and betrayed.

Even if it wasn’t a live person, you still had your eyes on another woman — you stared at her and let her turn you on in ways that are reserved only for ME — your wife, your best friend, your lover. Our intimacy is far more beautiful and greater than this fantasy.

You want me to trust you, but I don’t know how.

Anytime you are on a screen, anytime you are home alone, anytime you are up too late at night or too early in the morning I am worried that your eyes are falling on another woman. After years of “catching you” –- how can I believe that you aren’t?

I am scared.

What is this doing to our marriage? What if our kids see what you have seen? If I can accidentally catch you, so can they!
Most of all, I am heartbroken. Can you see that?

My Heart. Is. Breaking.

Not just for myself, but for you. Some idiot exposed you to this too early in your life and now it’s your coping mechanism. You are overwhelmed and stressed and this is how you escape. You are choosing a moment of escape over a heart and a story restored.

Porn is evil. It has come to steal, kill and destroy you. As the man I love and adore, I can’t stand to watch it anymore.
Can you please get help? Can you work through your story?

For me.
For us.
For YOU.

Friends, far too many women agonize in silence as they experience the confusing revelation of their husband’s pornography use and/or addiction. This dear woman is so very correct: evil seeks to steal innocence, kill hope and destroy love, and his dangerous crosshairs are set on the most God-reflecting places on earth — marital intimacy.

Please, let’s all work through our stories of brokenness and captivity. For me. For us. For YOU.

Thank you, my friend, for what you have offered here. You give words to the quiet desperation of so very many. Thanks.

As a resource for those seeking restoration and wholeness, consider joining Restoration Counseling for the following group.

Dan has also contributed to Restoration Project by writing the foreword to our Man Maker Project: Boys are Born, Men are Made book, and has authored numerous books of his own, including Healing the Wounded Heart.

I had the great privilege of studying under Dan Allender for my MA in Counseling Psychology. He has become a friend, mentor and inspiration. When it comes to the landscape of the human heart, I know of no one else who can articulate with kindness and hope the path to restoration than Dan. Thank you Dan!

RP: Dan, thanks so much for being with us today. As you can imagine, in our work with men we often bump up against this Goliath called pornography. It’s pervasive and constant. Why do you think porn has such a stranglehold on men today?

DAN: Pornography intersects two core domains: lust and power. The desire for sexual touch and play is God-written in our body and heart. We were made for union and joy and becoming one flesh. This is one of the strongest desires of the human heart — male or female. Sadly, pornography wets that desire and then moves the heart toward power and control. The trajectory of all pornography is from the come-hither-I-want-you allure to the degradation of one’s object of fantasy.

RP: What does pornography do to a man’s heart?

DAN: Pornography doesn’t make you a better lover or increase your desire to love. Instead, it takes another for your use and then over time exploits the person/image for only your pleasure. It is an angry, self-absorbed, demeaning form of sexuality. But it works because it requires almost no risk (other than getting caught) and allows the private world of sexual misuse to remain hidden. I don’t know of many people who can use pornography without eventually feeling ashamed, hidden, and disqualified. Evil gains a strong hold in the heart as the shame, contempt, and hiddenness operate with impunity.

RP: So if porn introduces and intensifies shame, what then?

DAN: Shame is the awareness that what I feel, think or do is toxic. If tasted, it would cause disgust or if seen, it would bring disdain. The biological origin of shame is spitting out milk or meat that is foul. We are not made to take into our body or heart something disgusting that degrades us. The only way to keep taking in pornography — knowing that it is cheapening us and defrauding others, especially our spouse and children, is to dissociate what we are really doing and to embrace the foulness as proof that something is darkly ugly about our being.

“The only way to keep taking in pornography…is to dissociate what we are really doing.”

The people I work with who struggle with pornography feel simultaneously stained and entitled. At the moments when the craving is intensely furious there seems to be no means in the universe to lessen the internal pressure other than to lose one’s mind (dissociation) and paw the computer and eventually one’s sexual organ to release the rage. The result is pleasure mingled with shame and regret. When this toxic mix filters through the soul there is the breathing out of relief and the breathing in of disgust.

One simply has to ask: Why do you need to feel like a piece of sh–? What in your life and story demands you submit yourself to feeling simultaneously powerful and disgusting?

RP: So then how is it that good-hearted men get caught in on-going porn use and addiction?

DAN: We are more and more distant from truth, deadened to emotion, and broken hearted. Not broken hearted as in sad or full of grief; instead, we are broken into fragmented selves that are unable to do much other than posture and pretend we are someone whom we know we are not. This deep inner schism enables us to function as one self with our spouse and an hour later to lurk on a site where seduction and role-playing allows us to escape to another fantasized self. It simply weakens our capacity to choose righteousness and live with honor and goodness. Evil loves to divide and then conquer. It does so first through seduction and then pounds us with accusations. We often make agreements with evil that we are losers or helpless or sexually dark. Once that foothold is secured it can land troops and provisions for an outright overthrow of your heart over many, many seasons.

RP: We work with a lot of men who have been “white-knuckling” it for a while – trying hard to avoid porn. They experience “victory” for a time, but often find themselves sliding right back in. How can guys really find healing?

DAN: Trying hard not only doesn’t work, it sets you up for another self-entitled reentry into the addiction. The only path I have seen to work is growing in a holy desire for beauty, goodness, and truth that is greater than the hidden and dark power of sexual degradation. That path requires you look straight in the face all the sexual experiences of shame, humiliation, powerlessness, hurt, and anger that underlie the desire to steal innocence, kill beauty, and mar love.

RP: How is porn abusive?

DAN: We are sexual beings from birth. Who used you first? Who violated your innocence and introduced you to pornography? That event is in fact a form of sexual abuse. Until we name and address the certainty that evil has from birth been trying to pervert your sexuality, then the efforts to change the future fall in the trap that you refuse to address your past.

RP: In your work with sexual abuse, shame and recovery, what hope can you offer a man struggling with pornography addiction – or just living as a man in today’s porn-ified world?

DAN: There is truly as much hope as our conviction that Jesus death covers our sin, his resurrection frees us to live, and his ascension gives us remarkable gifts to be used for his kingdom. Dealing with our broken sexuality requires us to face where we are cowards with our spouses and children. It demands we face our fears that keep us safe and angry. We will never deal with our sexuality until we are ready to deal with our whole life — most particularly our failure to name and bring our broken parts of our heart to Jesus. This is not act of contrition or a single prayer. It is not going forward to the altar, nor is it an oath to not fail ever again. It is a heart that says: Hell no.

“Restoration requires a heart that says: Hell no! @danallender”

Whatever the price and whatever the terrain that must be walked, I will come face to face with what I fear and despise about my heart. The hatred is not the sexual struggle with pornography or other sexually addictive behaviors — instead, it is the unaddressed story of your suffering and anger in a world that has not honored you or delighted in you as God intended. Deal with those wounds and you will find sexual sin not only silly—actually outright stupid silly, but far, far more utterly beneath your lovely, noble warrior heart.

RP: Thank you so much Dan. As always, your words are poignant, direct, and kind. Thanks!

We offer this prayer of blessing from author John O’Donohueto all those seeking life and hope on the journey of manhood.

Quoted from To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donohue

At the Threshold of Manhood

As you leave the blurred wood
You entered while still a boy,
And light clarifies around
Your emerging, manly form,
May you discover gradually
A natural confidence in your body.

May your new strength be graceful
As you learn to carry yourself
With a dignity that is sure,
Bringing your gestures and expression
Into an easy harmony and rhythm.

May you never feel the need
To be coarse, or force yourself;
Rather, may you receive your manhood
With grace and mindful ease;
Then, at one with your own elegance,
Your presence will claim its radiance.

May you awaken confidently
To the feminine within you,
And learn to integrate the beauty
Of intuition and feeling
So that your sensitivity kindles
And your heart is trusted.
That you may slowly grow
To trust the silence of the masculine
As the home of your stillness.

Though it will be always difficult
To find the words for what you feel,
May you find ease in that awkwardness
Until gradually from beneath
The gravel of stuttered sounds
The pure flow of you emerges.

Be gentle with yourself,
Learn to integrate the negative,
Harnessing its force
To cross the boundaries
That would confine you.

Love the life of your mind,
Furnishing it ever with new thought
So that your countenance grows
With the joy of being alive.

Be vigilant
And true to an inner honor
That will not allow
Anger or resentment
To make you captive.

Always have the courage
To change, welcoming those voices
That call you beyond yourself.

Beyond your work and action,
Remain faithful to your heart.
For you to deepen and grow
Into a man of dignity and nobility.

Jonathan* sits across from me with eyes downcast and body tense. He just can’t bring himself to lean back in his chair. His hands wring while elbows rest on his knees, and his face alternates between rage, shame, contempt and deep sadness. He’s been caught. He’s been found out. And now he bravely seeks help for his addiction to pornography. It’s eating him from the inside out.

And the crazy thing is, he’s among the majority of men who use pornography on a regular basis.

I can think of nothing more lethal to masculinity than porn. It’s an epidemic of massive proportions that must be addressed if we have any hope of helping men heal their wounds, know their God and restore their world. I believe it is the enemy’s greatest weapon to emasculate godly manhood, and effectively wipe out generations of men…and has done so for decades.

Jonathan was first exposed to pornography at the age of 8 at a friend’s house. Tucked away in a basement dresser drawer, his friend had discovered a stash of magazines that tantalized, titillated and enticed the boys to spend hours upon hours pouring over the images. Not knowing what they had found, they returned often. Occasionally, a new magazine found its way into the stash – new fodder for the corruption of young minds.

Within a year, their exploration went online, and they discovered an unending supply of porn. But here, beyond the nude pictures and provocative poses, they found videos of sex so explicit they could hardly believe their eyes. As 9 year old boys, they were exposed to the most raw and base aspects of exploitative and objectifying sex possible. They were caught in the throes of pornography and the thrills of sex and secrecy. Eventually, what was seen on screen needed to be enacted in real life. The boys began exploring one another.

Check out this video from FightTheNewDrug.org

You see, pornography wires the brain to be pornographic. As the video states, it actually changes the brain. When exposed at an early age, the forming mind has no hope but to be shaped by the images + chemicals + habits + secrecy + excitement = addiction. What ends up happening is that pornography becomes a go-to drug of choice whenever life feels unmanageable. It promises to relieve pressure, bring comfort, offer entertainment, etc. all while requiring nothing in return. Pornography is the world’s #1 emotional self-medication. Feel bad? Porn. Feel sad? Porn. Feel overwhelmed, anxious, sleepless, confused, hyper, belittled, ashamed, scared, even excited? Porn. While porn is all about sex, pornography use and addiction are not. Porn is about masking the soul.

I wish I could say Jonathan’s story is abnormal. And while the severity of his use and addiction may outpace many, he is certainly not alone. In fact, moments after I finished with Jonathan, I met with Scott, then Sam, then Patrick, then Noah. Men, we must address this issue – first for ourselves and then for our families.

Pornography is swallowing masculinity alive and we have to do something about it.

Restoration Project is committed to helping men find freedom. There are many excellent organizations already focused on the eradication of pornography (see list and links below) and we do not need to duplicate. We will, however, press into this issue on a regular basis, having honest and open conversations about the erosion of manhood through porn. We will be conduits of hope and restoration, pointing men towards Jesus’ healing and freedom.

As part of a local effort to raise awareness about the harmful effects of pornography, Restoration Project is partnering with several area churches in an initiative called “REWIRE: A Conversation About Pornography.” See details on our Facebook page. I will be hosting an evening conversation, joined by a panel of experts to discuss how to protect ourselves and our children from the invasion of over-sexualized media.

You see, it is possible to REWIRE the brain. It is possible to un-pornify. It’s certainly not easy, and it requires a LOT of heart-work, life-work and story-work. Porn constitutes the enemy’s primary weapon against masculinity (and femininity as well, but that’s a different blog). It steals, kills and destroys the hearts of men. Rewiring the brain is possible because Jesus comes to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. Be free.

Helpful Resources for Restoration

• Fight the New Drug – amazing resources and media regarding the truth about pornography
• Surfing for God by Michael Cusick – one of our favorite porn-recovery books
• Wired for Intimacy by William Struthers – excellent understanding about the brain’s wiring and redemption
• The Porn Phenomenon by the Barna Group and Set Free, in association with Josh McDowell Ministries
• Covenant Eyes and XXXChurch and Mobicip– all three excellent anti-porn filters for online safety, as well as TONS of helpful resources
• Restoration Counseling Center – Chris Bruno practices as a Licensed Professional Counselor, along with a team of highly-trained therapists who specialize in healthy sexuality and porn recovery

Far too often we hear from single mothers about their struggle to raise godly men out of their boys. Last week, we explored a few things she can do to set the stage for her son. But the reality is she needs help and her boy needs a man. And that man is probably YOU.

At the core of Restoration Project’s vision, we state: “we envision a world where men are men as God intended – where fatherlessness ceases to exist, and the hearts of men are fully restored to God, family and community.” We believe fatherlessness breaks the heart of God, and we are called to partner with him to eradicate it.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. ~Psalm 68:5

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress… ~James 1:27

Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. ~Psalm 82:3

I have known a good number of single mothers in my life, but three of them stand out in my mind.

• One woman suffered through the reality of her husband’s verbal and emotional abuse, her soul battered and bruised by an unfinished man who had something to prove. He left her alone with two young boys, did not pay child support, and slandered her name in her community and church.
• Another woman suffered through the horror of losing her husband to cancer. Just as they entered the world of parenting together, the disease robbed them both of the opportunity to co-raise their children.
• The third is a woman who is still married to her husband and the father of her children, but who remains isolated and alone. He abdicates all fathering responsibility, and while he makes good money “for the family,” he self-selects out of any sort of fathering role. She is left holding the bag for three boys who are on the cusp of adolescence and she doesn’t know what to do.

The reason a mother ends up parenting alone is irrelevant. God is passionate and deeply concerned about those who are orphans and widows, and it is clear he calls his people to join him in his care for them. Now there are those who are actually widows (i.e. their husband has passed away) and those who are actually orphans (i.e. they have no parents). These are horrors beyond comprehension, for sure. But some may argue semantics with regard to the words “orphan” and “widow,” stating that she’s not really a widow because her husband is still alive or the child is not an orphan because he/she still has a parent. But I say any woman who is without the loving support of her husband is a widow, and any child who is not being fathered by a man is an orphan. Most widows and orphans exist because men opt-out.

(Sidenote: Jesus seemed to have the same approach to semantics when he talked about anger = murder and lust = adultery See Matthew 5. Shall we not do the same here?!)

Therefore, if we are to join God’s heart for the widow and orphan, where other men have opted out true men must opt-in. We must take up the mantle of manhood on behalf of those who are “in distress” and stand in the gap. When men rise to the call to “father the world,” especially in the eradication of fatherlessness, things change. Big time.

Here are five specific restorative actions men must take to turn the tide of fatherlessness for orphans and widows, especially for those valiant women who are single moms:

1. Be aware of her need.

Open your eyes and look around you. Far too often men become so myopic in our own lives that we lose sight of those around us. The sad reality of our world is that fatherlessness is pervasive – it is everywhere. Are you aware of those in your church, neighborhood, school, work or community who remain alone because some other man has opted-out? Do you even see them?

Many single mothers have learned to function “just fine.” Out of necessity, they have learned how to compensate for the difficulty of their circumstances, and are doing so quite well. Yet most of them are over-functioning, exhausted and alone, and see no way out. But for a man to “become aware” of her may be a scary notion, causing fear or anxiety because of how other men have treated her. It may come across as a judgment against her, as if she is not doing enough or managing well enough.

Rather than labeling her as a “widow” or her children as “orphans” and jumping in to meet the needs you suppose she has, begin to pray for her (and involve your wife, family and friends too!), asking God to open doors for you to begin to care for her. Rather than assume need, become aware of the needs she really has.

2. Ask for permission.

I cannot stress this enough. No one wants to feel like a charity case. No one likes being pegged as “needy” or “helpless,” even when the desire is to serve them. In fact, all good intentions aside, a man who does not ask for permission to act looks more like a bulldog than a gentleman.

The ultimate respect a man can offer a single mother is to ask her for permission to come alongside her. Most likely the wounds she has borne at the hands of men have been the result of invasion, intrusion and over-powering. As you begin to be aware of her and the potential needs of her children for fathering, gently ask for permission to collaborate with her. If you are married, be sure to involve your wife in these offers as well so there is no confusion as to your intentions. Be gentle, careful and respectful.

3. Build a relationship rather than a project.

Fathering is a relationship to be developed not a project to be completed. You know this for your own children, and the same goes for anyone else you offer to take under your wing. While there may be snippets of fathering you can offer other kids (i.e. taking them fishing, offering to help choose a college, taking a boy without a father to a father-son campout at church), the real grit is in the long-term intentional relationship. Surrogate fathering is not an event.

Both the single mother and the child (boy or girl) need care over time. The two primary aspects of developing a secure and tight bond with anyone are availability and consistency. Pop-in fathering can actually be more detrimental in the long run, as it raises hopes but does not sustain it. Children (our own and those we choose to father) need to know we are available to them — that they can get physical AND emotional access to us — when they need it. And when they are able to gain access to us, they need a consistency of response from us — they need to know they will be met with gentleness and attention. When we view children as a “project,” they get neither of these. Fathering, on the other hand, offers both…always.

4. Involve your family and others.

Throughout the Man Maker Project material, I am adamant that fathers need to involve a larger company of men. While one man’s intention toward the heart of the child is crucial, it takes the fullness of a collection of men to really do the job. And where one man has abdicated his responsibility and opted-out of caring for this woman and her children, we must intend to surround her with aides rather than take the burden fully ourselves.

Learn to do right; seek justice.
Defend the oppressed.
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.
~Isaiah 1:17

Reality is, she needs more than you can offer. The children need more than you have. As you join in God’s heart for the fatherless and intend to come alongside a single mother, do not do it alone. “Plead the cause of the widow” amongst your friends, family and church community. Gather other men to partner with you on behalf of those who need fathering. Rally around single-mother families and let them know you (plural) will not let them fall through the cracks. While one man may play a primary role, he needs a collective of others to stand with and behind him. Lone rangers make mistakes, burn out, and far too easily dash hopes. Involve the community.

5. Call opt-out men to the carpet.

It is not a woman’s responsibility to hold a man accountable to be a true man. Far too many men abdicate their duties as husband and father leaving her desperate and pleading with him to show up. No, it is not up to her to make him wake up. That responsibility falls on other men.

Keep watch on one another, men. Be mindful and thoughtful of each other, and support one another in this journey of life. When trouble hits, stand together. When confusion abounds, help each other find the way. When goodness flows, celebrate each other’s glory. But when you see another man start down that dark road of checking out and relinquishing his responsibilities as a man we must 1) come alongside him and remind him of the extreme importance of his role; and 2) if he refuses to wake up and listen, other men need to kick him in the ass.

Do not be afraid to call other men to the carpet. Of course, do so with the intensity of love and kindness. But true godly kindness is the intersection of strength and tenderness – where truth is upheld and spoken without reserve, and where grace offers a gentle invitation to repent. Brother to brother, man to man, we need to keep one another in line on behalf of women and children. Please do not misunderstand me. I am in no way insinuating that women are weak and helpless and need a man to rescue them. What I am saying is that men must be the ones to keep other men in line. Far too many women are married to opt-out men, making them functional widows and their children functional orphans. Men, this cannot be.

Literally one minute ago, as I bring this blog to a conclusion, I received an email from another single mother. Her husband was emotionally and verbally abusive, and has completely shipwrecked their marriage and family. He’s left her alone with a teenage boy at home, and rather than offer him fathering, he has instilled in him rage, confusion and depression. She writes out of desperation. She needs help. He needs a father.

Let us as men “take up the cause of the fatherless” and eradicate fatherlessness altogether. Stand in the gap, and do it now.

Not all children have fathers. In fact, an alarming number of children in the United States and beyond grow up in homes without fathers. Almost one in four homes in America are held together by single-mothers. In fact, the federal government spends close to $100 billion every year for programs to support father-absent homes. Astonishing, heart-breaking and completely unnecessary.

At our core, Restoration Project is about eradicating fatherless. We aim to reverse this horrifying trend of father-absence by calling men to heal their wounds, know their God, and restore their world. An audacious task. And yet in the midst of our attempts to change the course of the Titanic, we regularly encounter mothers who face the overwhelming task of raising sons…alone.

Let me start by making three very important statements:

• First, on behalf of all men, I sincerely apologize to you, dear one, for leaving you to carry a burden you were never meant to bear. We have failed you, hurt you, abandoned you and left you holding the weight of our sin. I am deeply, deeply sorry.
• Secondly, we are here for you. There exists a growing tribe of men who recognize the failures of our brothers and refuse to allow future generations to be affected by their absence. You and your children are precious to us, and to the best of our ability, we will stand in the gap and offer what fathering we can to those who have only known absence. You are not alone.
• Thirdly, there are a multitude of reasons and factors that result in single-mother homes. For some, fathers have passed away, leaving a widow and children to navigate life on their own. In other situations, women may have been at fault (or partially) for the break up of the family, and she may carry guilt or blame for the circumstances in which they now find themselves. For far too many, men have abdicated their responsibilities as husbands and fathers and abandoned or blown up their families. While mothers from all three situations could benefit from the following thoughts, I am primarily writing to those in the third category.

That being said, we regularly hear from single-mothers raising sons asking for guidance, insight and help. Without a present-father to make a man out of her son, many moms ask for assistance in where to start, what to do, and whom to contact. Therefore, I offer the following five foundational mother-directed man-maker movements for all you blessed single-mothers.

1. Cast a vision of who he will become

Far too often, boys who grow up in father-absent homes lack a vision of manhood. Simply put, he has no model to mimic, no positive schema for what becoming a man may be, and struggles to imagine himself as an adult. “Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18, KJV). Without a sense of who he will become, your son will either flounder in his own mire of confusion, or latch onto the pseudo-masculinities our culture so freely offers.

The more you can cast a vision of true, good, and redemptive manhood for him, the more you paint a picture of his future as a man who embodies the character of a godly man, the more you can inspire him to believe God has made him to become a deeply strong and tender man, the more he will heed your words and aspire to become that man. Every child hangs on the words and visions of his mother, and the more you can cast a vision of who he will become as a man, the more he will want to become him.

2. Ground him in his story

Every one of us has a story. And every one of us enters into an already-existing narrative – the story of our forefathers. Like being born on a moving train, we ride the rails of our parents’ trajectory.

We are shaped by stories from the first moments of life, and even before. Stories tell us who we are, why we are here, and what will become of us. Whenever humans try to make sense of their experience, they create a story, and we use those stories to answer all the big questions of life. The stories come from everywhere–from family, church, school, and the culture at large. They so surround and inhabit us that we often don’t recognize that they are stories at all, breathing them in and out as a fish breathes water.
~Daniel Taylor, The Healing Power of Stories

You, his mother, are his most powerful story-teller. You offer him the life-giving nature of his narrative, and can ground him and orient him to the nature of his life by helping him know where he fits, where he has come from, and how he came to be. Rather than sour him to his past, you can offer him clarity on his story.

Some boys have no sense of who their fathers are. For others, they know all too well the pain meted out by an adult male who abandoned them to find their own way in life. As a result, mothers may be tempted to cut out (either figuratively by excluding him from the stories, or literally by cutting him out of pictures) the boy’s understanding of his father. Yet it is vital for the boy’s development into manhood to know his own story if he is ever to take up the pen and write a new ending.

3. Tell him about your pain, but do not make him bear it for you

Your pain is clear. You have been left, abandoned, abused, cheated-on, discarded, misunderstood and unseen. And while I cannot know the fullness of every single-mother’s story, I am convinced that you have endured significant seasons of pain. Again, I apologize on behalf of the fallenness of men.

As another male in your home, you may be tempted to (most likely covertly, not overtly) pass your pain onto your son. He’s male, and males hurt you. He may remind you of his father. He may act, respond, or sound like him, or he may have inherited some attitudes and beliefs that are demanding or demeaning. Keep in mind that your son is not his father. He is not the embodiment of your pain, but a young boy who is trying to navigate his maleness alone.

Tell him. Tell him about your pain. Tell him how you have been hurt, how the actions and words of his father have cut deep and wounded you. But do not make your son pay for his father’s sins by conscripting him to bear your pain. If your hope is to free him from the entanglement of his father’s failures, do not lay them on his shoulders to carry.

4. Surround him with trusted surrogate fathers

You, mother, are a valiant woman. You have struggled much, bear much, and believe much. And while you have so very much to offer your son, he still needs the sharpening presence of a man to raise him into the fullness of his manhood. Men become men through other men. Your son must have adult men who will intentionally and prayerfully take him beyond what you can provide.

Therefore, from an early age, surround him with trusted surrogates. Invite uncles, grandfathers, coaches, pastors, mentors, neighbors and friends to be part of his “man-crew.” Normally, it is the father’s role to gather a cadre of men who together will stand as his company. Without a dad in the picture, however, it falls to you. Seek out, ask and implore men to take up the mantle on his behalf. Have them read Man Maker Project, and ask them to fill the gap where his father should have been.

It is not weakness to ask for help. Oh no, it is actually a sign of great strength and fortitude. Ask. Expect. Demand.

5. Pray fatherlessness ceases here

And finally, your son has experienced fatherlessness first hand. He knows the wound far too intimately, and will carry it for the rest of his life. It is one of the most powerful wounds one can bear.

As his mother, pray. Pray for redemption and restoration in your son’s life. Pray that the curse of fatherlessness be cut off here and now, and that future generations will never know this agony because it stopped here and now. Pray with your son, over your son, and beyond your son. Pray with other mothers. Pray with his surrogate fathers. Beseech the Lord, the ultimate Father of the fatherless, to bring an end to fatherlessness in your family right here and right now. Allow for the Warrior to rise within you to battle the forces of darkness that so desire to derail your family tree. Your prayers are by far the greatest gift you can offer your son and future generations.

Man-less mothers…may you come to know the goodness of the Father in your own life and your son’s. Of anyone on earth, you are my greatest hero.

There is no doubt that fathering sons is overwhelmingly challenging. And up till now, much of our focus has been on the making of men out of our sons. Here’s why. But make no mistake. It takes just as much intentionality and purpose to raise daughters into vibrant and alive women. Girls need their fathers just as much as boys. But fathering girls is a whole different animal.

I am in the heat of it, so let me start by asking you to cut me some slack. I have two daughters, one age 12, and the other age 9. And while I have some thoughts, experiences and perspectives on the father’s impact and importance on girls, I humbly admit my ignorance and beg for both forgiveness and wisdom from those who have gone before me. And yet, I will rise to the challenge of fathering my daughters to the best of my ability.

My wife and I are currently crafting a “Becoming” year for our oldest daughter. She’s 12, and on the verge of womanhood. In the coming months, we will have much to say about the experiences we have created for her. You can follow my wife’s perspectives here. While there is much theology and intention behind each aspect of her passage year, for now, I am certain of these five key perspectives every father must understand if he is to raise an alive woman from his girl.

Girls need your warmth, not your heat

There is an African proverb I’ve quoted in the Man Maker Project book that says, “If we do not initiate our sons, they will burn down the village just to feel the heat.” In order for a boy to make the transition into manhood, he needs some level of heat to test his grit, burn away the chaff and forge his masculine soul. Far too many fathers, however, get this wrong with girls.

Whereas boys need a father’s heat (his testing and pushing the boy toward risk and danger in order to prove himself), girls need the father’s warmth. The world is a cold, dark place, and she needs the warmth of her father to stay alive. She needs to know the comfort of his arms, the gentleness of her head pressed against his chest, and the graciousness of his eyes when she feels alone, scared, ashamed or broken.

This is not to say that she does not need his correction or direction. No, it means that the warmth of his love for her is ever-present in their interactions, and she knows that there is always a place for her. Boys must face risk to become men. Girls don’t. They may love risk, love danger, love proving their strength to others (my daughter does this all the time). But what she needs from Dad is an affirmation of her strength not a testing of it. She needs to know that you hold her in such warm regard that nothing could ever remove her from your tender strength.

Girls need your heart, not your stone

Last night when I arrived home, my son gave me a high five and a fist bump. But my girls encircled me – one hugging me from the front, the other from the back. We stood in the kitchen while I was still trying to take my coat off for about 5 minutes in a tender embrace. Both of them needed to communicate to me, “I’m glad you are here,” and to hear me respond with, “I am too.”

The world requires men to be chiseled (and I’m not only referring to the ideal male body). We must have chiseled determination, chiseled fortitude, chiseled clarity, and a chiseled presence. Throughout much of our days, we are pushed, prodded, challenged and cut by the pounding and hammering forces of life. But when it comes to our girls, we must put away the stone-shaping chisel and offer our strength in a different way. Indeed, they need our strength, but covered in our heart-level tenderness.

Girls need your hand, not your fist

Almost every morning in the car on the way to school, my daughter reaches for my hand. She holds it for most of the 7 minute journey. It is a tender gesture, one that I cherish at the start to my day.

At times, however, I need to communicate some aspect of correction, unmet expectations, or suggestions to her about her decisions, actions or failures. It remains my chief responsibility to raise an adult out of my girl, and I will not hesitate to show up for her in a way that molds her for a better future.

With my son, I can speak directly, correctively, and let him know that I will not put up with his shenanigans. But when I do this with her, I see her visibly shrink into self-condemnation and despondency. Her countenance changes, and the “fist” of my words carries a weight and impact I never intended.

Instead of my fist, she needs my hand – both literally and figuratively. I have learned to gently take her hand in mine, to hold it with intentional connection and care, and to speak my words of correction with invitation and hope rather than with the force of a left upper-cut. By offering her a hand rather than a fist, she more often responds with understanding and attentiveness. She needs to hear that my words, though directive, are meant to be helpful and not harmful.

Girls need your delight, not your degrading

Masculine culture is not safe for girls. Our culture raises boys (sometimes unintentionally and unconsciously, but often with full awareness and intent) to degrade women, objectify their bodies and belittle their value. One merely needs to watch an evening of primetime television to see the overwhelming messages aimed at boys to consider their female counterparts as “less than.” Fathers, it is our responsibility to make sure this brainwashing does not occur to our boys. In the same vein, we must protect our girls from the harmful effects of female degradation.

The most powerful weapon fathers have against this is their DELIGHT. When a father is moved with sheer joy and delight towards his daughter, and she sees this and experiences it from him in word, deed and face, it obliterates the ravages of negative and degrading messages that have attached to her heart. She needs to see the light in his eyes when she enters the room. She needs to hear the shift in his voice, his posture and his awareness of her. She needs to experience his smile, laughter and joy. A father’s delight is the antidote to evil’s attempt to destroy her beautifully strong soul.

Girls need your love AND your like

I love my daughters. I really, really do. I tell them I love them so regularly a sweet interchange has evolved between us. “I love you,” I say. “I love you more,” they say. “I love you mostest,” they say. “I love you mostest mostest,” I reply. I never want my daughters to question the power of my love for them.

At the same time, they need to know I like them. They need to hear and experience not only my love for them, but also my affinity towards them, how enraptured I am by their beauty, strength and creativity. They need to know my enjoyment of them, of spending time with them, and of even thinking of them. They need my like as well as my love.

Too many fathers inadvertently communicate dislike. They are bothered, busy and tired, and despite a regular communication of love to their daughters, they do not like their girls. Girls are too girly. They are too emotional. They are too different. And fathers far too often miss their hearts because of their lack of intentional liking their daughters despite their clear love for them. Our girls need to know both.

Now, let me remind you where I began…asking you to cut me some slack. While I am able to identify these crucial aspects of the father-daughter relationship, I regularly fail. We all do. And in the midst of failing, we must continue to press in and seek God’s grace for ourselves and for the precious women of tomorrow.

Restoration Project Advocate Bart Lillie of Erie, CO is currently pulling together a group of men to journey through the Brotherhood Primer. He recently wrote the following email to those considering joining him.

The Brotherhood Primer is a 10-week journey into masculine friendship, and it’s not for the faint of heart. “Men become men through other men,” and it is through an intentional journey toward brotherhood and a mutual sharing of stories that men find their own lives and face their own souls. Bart’s words are true, honest, and downright hilarious.

Bart’s 10 Reasons You Should NOT Be In A Brotherhood Group

1. You might fail.

If you start with good intentions, only to bail halfway through, you’ll be branded a quitter. Best not to “try,” rather than to take a risk and fail. Taking risks can get you hurt.

2. The reward is unknown.

You don’t know where you’ll end up with this group, and when you get there you might not like it. And you may not like the journey either. It’s best to just spend some more time on the couch with some video games (because you know where you’ll end up there and winning is easier).

3. Do you really want to be that naked?

These are real men you will be doing this with. You will be sharing your story, which includes your good times and hard times. You know you… you’ve got warts, issues, crap galore… you’re probably going to be the blackest sheep in the circle. Do you really want to go there in front of other men?

4. Change is hard.

In fact, it can be downright destructive. If you start down this path, you are making a choice to change your direction. And it can blow up your life… the way you work, the way you relate to your wife and kids, and the way you see yourself. It’s safer to stay in the status quo and not rock the boat. In fact, don’t even change your direction to get in a boat.

5. The truth is hard.

If you avoid the questions, you can avoid having to lie to yourself and everyone else around you. You already know that you won’t talk about “that” part of you, so why put yourself in a position to have to dodge the question? What good can come from honesty? Truth won’t set you free in this area of your life.

6. You don’t have time.

“I don’t have time right now.” This is probably the most obvious reason. Really? Like you have 5+ hours a week to add something new in your life? There’s probably a better season for you to do this… when things settle down. Especially not during ski season. Maybe this summer… or next year… or after the kids are older… or after they move out…

7. This sounds too religious.

Jesus was against religion. He was also pretty hard on religious people. What if this journey turns you into a religious freak that Jesus constantly speaks out against? Besides, what about the people around you… what will they think? You are not going to be a Jesus freak.

8. You need to put your family first.

Yup, you got it. Friends are not as important as family. And you are already way too invested in other “important” things. You only have a couple hours of free time per week, and it needs to go to your family right? Because certainly your family needs to come before your friends… and work… and sports… and exercise… and walking the dog. There’s not enough time in your schedule.

9. Friendships aren’t worth it.

People flake out. There’s a good chance that people in this group will flake out. There’s even a good chance that you will flake out. When you put your trust in other people, you end up getting burned. You’ve got scars and stories to prove it. Best to not add to that list. Don’t get hurt by someone again.

10. You’ve got it all figured out already.

You say: “I’m good. I’ve got it figured out already, at least good enough for me. I’ve done some ‘soul work,’ been to the retreat, got the tattoo/necklace/t-shirt. In fact, I’ve even been to counseling. I could probably join the group to help everyone out, but I am not sure that I’d get much out of it. I don’t need this.” Good for you… you don’t need this. Don’t start.

To take the leap into a Brotherhood Group is a big one. So don’t even try.

I struggle just as much as any other man. There is something written into the broken places of my heart that compel me to pull back, sit down, check out and just disengage. Back. Down. Out. Disengage. Why do I always have to hard things?

It’s January 2, 2016, and I’ve just gotten my butt kicked by Jesus. In the time of year where we reflect on what has been and look forward to what is to come, I have spent a good number of hours evaluating where I am versus where I want to be. And as I did so this morning, I fell into a tailspin of panic.

While on many levels, I have much for which to be extremely grateful (and to help me pull out of the tailspin I wrote down a long gratitude list in my journal so I could see it all in black and white), I also realized the many areas I have let go. Not many in my circles would necessarily call me a “passive” man, but as I reflected on those places/spaces in my life, business and ministry where I feel the most uneasy and shaky, I soon discovered one consistent commonality – my head has been in the sand. Those places where I have settled for “good enough” or “autopilot” are the areas where the ice is thinnest and my panic rises.

I suffer from passivity. And so do you. If you are a man, passivity is written into your fallen genetic sequence, and it’s going to require you to face the facts, seek your healing, and get off your duff. Regularly and consistently. Even though I thought I was doing relatively well, I discovered places where my disengagement has cost me dearly. And Jesus is challenging me to do something about it.

Consider what the Psalmist has to say:

Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. ~Psalm 34:11-14

Most of us love life and desire to see many good days. We want good things for ourselves, our families and our futures. And for the most part, we do okay. But ultimately okay doesn’t cut it. According to the Psalmist, it requires turning, doing, seeking and pursuing — the exact opposite of the passive response I prefer when I don’t like what I have to do or face. I don’t like doing hard things.

If I’m honest, I don’t want to have to turn from evil on purpose…I just want it to go away by itself. I want good days just to come without having to do anything. I want peace to show up without having to look for it or constantly engage in securing it. I want things to fall into place without requiring anything of me. This is the core of passivity. And it’s killing us.

The fact is, there is no one else but you. No one else can fill your shoes — the shoes God uniquely and purposefully designed you to fill. If you don’t show up and engage, no one can do it for you. Others may try, and in your passivity you may even find someone you can pay, connive or convince to attempt to take your place, but ultimately they will fail and you will lose out on the true “good days” you had hoped for. Passivity never yields goodness. The only result of passivity is pain.

When men show up…when men engage…when men punch passivity in the face and truly step in with boldness, curiosity and presence, we may have to wrestle with realities that are disappointing or difficult, but by our engagement these realities begin to change. We answer the call of God to “subdue” the earth by bringing shape and form, vision and hope, direction and action. To subdue is not to destroy but to release potential and create new directions. To engage our world is to till the soil, rip out the weeds, and secure a harvest out of the ground we have been given. Turning, doing, seeking and pursuing joins you together as a co-author with Jesus in the writing of a story worth living.

The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is for good men to do nothing. ~Burke

What would happen if you personalized this to your life today:

• The only thing necessary for my family to fall apart is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my business to go bankrupt is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my marriage to become passionless is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my son to wander through life is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my daughter to get hurt by men is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my church to become complacent is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my ministry to be ineffective is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my body to get fat is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my soul to wither away is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my possessions to rust and decay is for me to do nothing.
• The only thing necessary for my money to disappear is for me to do nothing.

Sobering, isn’t it? Yes, this morning Jesus kicked my butt and helped me realize some places where my involvement is required, and where my passivity has allowed for the ice to become thin. I see where I have abdicated my responsibility and hoped that someone else (though I don’t know who…just someone) would come to my rescue and make it all better. I see those areas of my life where I have chosen not to engage and therefore recognize how I have not pursued the goodness of God. And while I know I will never be perfect, I will step back into my own shoes and see where they will take me.

Engage.