Traveling from here to eternity is metaphorically the same experience. The circumstances of our lives are changing continuously. There is always uncertainty as to what comes next. All the planning and scheduling on our part does not change that reality. Our ultimate destination is Heaven. We are just travelers, and our home is another world.
If we live in the United States, God has blessed us with more pleasure and comfort in the journey than millions around the world. That’s a good thing, but there is a greater danger that can tempt and entice us with desires that can lead us astray. Peter gives us a critical warning as he tells his readers to live a righteous life in a hostile world. “Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul” (1 Peter 2:11). To have an impact on the world for God’s purpose, believers must be disciplined and avoid the desires of the fallen nature. “Fleshly lusts” are more than sexual temptations, and very dangerous because they “war against the soul.” “‘War,’ i.e. to carry on a military campaign. Fleshly lusts are personified as if they were an army of rebels or guerrillas who incessantly search out and try to destroy the Christian’s joy, peace and usefulness” (John MacAthur, a well-known pastor/Bible teacher who recently finished his journey and is finally Home.)
Peter further instructs us to keep our “behavior excellent among the Gentiles” (vs. 12). “The Greek word for ‘excellent’ is rich in meaning and implies the purest, highest, noblest kind of goodness. It means ‘lovely,’ ‘winsome,’ ‘gracious,’ ‘noble,’ and ‘honorable’” (John MacArthur). Non-believers don’t read the Bible, they “read” us. As we live out our lives here on earth, we have the opportunity present the Truth and in doing so, “glorify God in the day of visitation” (v. 12). If the non-believer responds with saving faith, they will glorify God “because he remembers the testimony of believers he had observed. Those who don’t believe will experience the visitation of His wrath in the final judgment” (John MacArthur).
Certainty is a myth on our journey Home. None of us knows exactly what is ahead of us. Yet, I can assure you it won’t be easy. However, if we lift our eyes up to our Lord and Savior, as the song “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” suggests, there is peace and contentment to be found. The song says that when we turn our eyes to Jesus the things of earth grow dim. Maybe it’s stress, worry, busyness, loneliness, boredom, discouragement, despair, or illness. Whatever these “things” are, they grow strangely dim as we look to Jesus.
The song, “O Soul, Are You Weary and Troubled?” was written in 1918 by Helen H. Lemmel. During her ninety-eight years, she wrote more than five hundred hymns, poems, and a children’s book. The song was inspired by a tract she read containing these words: “So turn your eyes upon Him, look full into His face and you will find the things of earth will acquire a strange new dimness.” The chorus of the song reminds us that as we look at all that Christ has done for us, the things of earth truly will grow dim.
O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And a life more abundant and free!
His word shall not fail you – He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!
Chorus: Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
I agree with Paul, “We are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord” (2 Cor. 5:8). We can hardly imagine the glory and the beauty in the presence of our Lord and Savior that is to come. Praise His name!
]]>As I think about it, the idea of being meek is not immediately appealing to me, because I assume that the meek personality trait suffers indignities without complaint, always aims to please others, and never asserts itself. Given that Jesus’ taught us to be meek, I started a deeper study of this character trait.
Biblical scholars say that the word “meek” is hard to define. It suggests gentleness. As a character trait, it is the opposite of arrogance, ambition, and envy. It is the gentle, humble, unassuming approach of someone who knows they are “poor in spirit” (Matt. 5:3), which is someone who knows that they need God’s grace and mercy. The meek know that they are the chief of sinners.
Think of our Savior, that while He was equal to God, and He was meek and humble. At the same time, I see that He could be bold, forceful, and confrontational. Knowing that about Him, I want to be more like Him. I want to not be fretful, grieving, grasping, but contented and thankful. Remember, it is contentment that makes life enjoyable, regardless of our circumstances. In meekness we are set free from anxiety and self-control.
“The mark of meekness is not the absence of assertiveness. It is the absence of self-assertion. Successful and forceful people must learn how to use their strength for others, not themselves. We wound people if we use our strength selfishly” (Daniel M. Doriani). Self-assertion can be hard to lay aside in relationship with others, including in marriage. The meek, being strong spiritually, learn to use their strength to help others, not just serve themselves.
A meek person does not minimize an offense just to ease the tension, but freely forgives the injury done to them. “He reckons that injuries are permitted to be done to him as trials of his grace, to see whether he can forgive them, and he does so, and does so right heartily” (Charles Spurgeon).
In counseling thousands of couples over a period of thirty years, one of the most common negative traits I have seen in marriages is a controlling spouse. More times than not, it was the wife who was controlling. The husband in those relationships, in holding back his thoughts and actions, was not being meek, but weak and passive. He had quickly learned from experience to keep his thoughts and ideas to himself. Finding meaningfulness and enjoyment in such a broken marriage is possible but will require both spouses to seek to be meek. Couples whose hearts are lowly, instead proud, will naturally act meekly toward each other. Meekness in marriage is where you honor your spouse as an image bearer, a follower of Christ, and love them despite imperfections. For the husband it begins with “loving your wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). For the wife, her heart responds in respect to that style of leadership “. . . with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4).
For either, man or woman, meekness is essentially an attitude or quality of heart whereby a person is willing to accept and submit without resistance to the will and desire of someone else, but especially your spouse. “Marriage thrives when both parties live out their vows with meekness. Issues are confronted with just the right amount passion and grace” (Kevin R. Thompson).
Having a better understanding of meekness, what do we do now? Obviously, we need to be meek. The challenge: how does anyone get there? Certainly, not by our own efforts! It is simple, but so profound and we find it in Matthew 11:28: Jesus says, “Come to me . . .” Step One, go to Him. Step Two, do Step One! Christ is the one to do the work of transforming our hearts.
Blessed are those who are meek,
those who don’t grumble or complain
those who accept what God offers
who endure the good with the pain.
Blessed are those who are humble,
Those who live under God’s control
For they’ll inherit the earth right here
and the one for the eternal soul!
Deborah Ann Belka
]]>It is interesting how quickly committed a person is interested in change when they are caught, often leading to worldly sorrow. Worldly sorrow can lead to an effort to change one’s behavior. Change in behavior is rarely a simple process. Behavioral change usually involves a substantial commitment of time, effort, and emotion. It looks good and feels good on the surface as one deludes themselves with a counterfeit repentance that includes a sense of pride at what one has accomplished. Recidivism is common. The effort to change can often fail when the crisis and need to change is over. Real change is more than a project or steps in program you complete. God our Father wants all His children to change as a lifelong process.
The core of real change is true repentance and therefore it is no coincidence that Christ’s first sermon, the first word, started with, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matt. 4:17). He was preaching a “repentance that leads to life” (Acts 11:18). The Westminster Short Catechism 87 defines the repentance that leads to life as “saving grace, whereby a sinner, out of a true sense of his sin, and apprehension of the mercy of God in Christ, doth, with grief and hatred of his sin, turn from it unto God, with full purpose of, and endeavor after, new obedience.” True repentance isn’t our effort, it is a gift of God’s grace that understands that sin is first and foremost against God. David understood this (Psalm 51:3, 4), “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.”
Real change is never fully satisfying because it is far from complete. Complete, full change is coming. We long for it. “Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed” (1 Cor. 15:51, 52). We have set our sights beyond this present sinful world. “We are on our way to eternal perfection” (The Heidelberg Diary, Willem J. Ouweneel).
Recommended Resource
As with many topics, going to a puritan writer will give you a deeper understanding of the truth. This is no less the case than with the topic of repentance. I highly recommend The Doctrine of Repentance, by Thomas Watson (Banner of Truth Trust).
]]>If this is your story, the illusion that all is well in your marriage is gone. His unfaithfulness has stripped away all the comforts that an intimate marriage relationship provides. The future seems filled with the fear of the unfaithfulness happening again, and never knowing the full story. Trust is shattered.
This kind of pain comes with the toxic emotion of anger that can easily lead to bitterness. There is no cleaning up this disaster “like it never ever happened.” Yet, perhaps unbelievably to many, there is hope for a healed marriage that is found in repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation. The important question for you to ask: “What is God doing?”
Don’t Blame Yourself
Our therapeutic culture will tell you that adultery stems primarily from our dysfunctional family of origin. While somewhat true, the concept falls short of understanding the real problem.
Many wives blame themselves for their husband’s sin by thinking, “If only I had been a better wife.” Know this: his sexual sin is not your fault! Don’t blame yourself. As an experienced counselor, I strongly suspect it wouldn’t have made a difference in his behavior. Your husband is fully responsible for his sexual sin, not you. If he blames you, he is sinfully justifying his actions.
Some wives also think their husband sins because, “I don’t have the body I once had.” If your husband has mentioned that, know this: his sexual sin is not about the physical change as your body naturally ages, but your husband’s hardhearted attitude towards those changes. That hardness contributes to justifying sexual sin.
Other wives assume their husband sins because, “I lack sexual interest.” In counseling thousands of couples grappling with unfaithfulness, I have often found that the wife has lost sexual interest. It’s true that the lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage opens both spouses to temptation (1 Corinthians 7:2–5). But know this: a wife’s sexual disinterest is never an excuse for sexual sin. Sexual disinterest is often a relational problem, and not just a sexual problem. Sometimes it’s a physiological problem. But whatever it is, it is a shared problem, not an individual problem. Seek help—together! It is critical that you find a person who has the experience, and the knowledge, but is comfortable with discussing intimate sexual details.
Don’t Let Hurt and Anger Determine Your Response
Now, as inexcusable as your husband’s unfaithfulness is, I’m going to say something nearly intolerable in our current culture: don’t end your marriage. Divorce in the face of unfaithfulness discards what marriage is designed to display: the gospel of Christ. The gospel provides a path of healing, even for the deep wounds of betrayal. And keep in mind, only death severs this one-flesh relationship that God has put together (see Romans 7:1-3).
This is not a time for pride to govern either the betrayer or the betrayed. Nor is it a time for either of you to disconnect relationally.
This is a hard truth to face: you both married a sinner! The nature of evil in your husband’s heart, which you should hate, has the potential to destroy the one he loves. Never allow the horror of your husband’s sexual sin blind you to the fact it is his sinful nature, like your own, that has caused him to betray you. You are called to forgive sin, even sexual sin of your husband.
I find that the hardest part about dealing with unfaithfulness in a marriage is for both spouses to die to their own selfishness. Paul says, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). Either a husband or a wife can unilaterally destroy a marriage through sexual sin. This is a time for your Christ-like character to guide you through this difficulty, not your pain and not your circumstances.
The Way Forward
Failure to attempt to fix a broken marriage is a denial of the power of the gospel to transform our lives. The way forward is to ask: “How is God working for good in this horrible situation?”
Your desire to not get hurt again is a natural response of self-protection, but I have also found it to be one of the hardest roots of bitterness to pull out. It can be a stumbling block to God’s purpose. We know that God works all things for good for those who love him, including pain and suffering and betrayal (Romans 8:28).
As Christians, we are commanded to love and forgive in ways that mere human reason thinks foolish. Marital unfaithfulness is a time for the radical biblical approach to pain: “We rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:3–5).
In adversity God often hides from us what he is doing. We learn to live in the mystery of his providence. The truth is, God always knows what he is doing. Yet, at the same time what your husband did, he meant as evil against you. But God meant it for good (Genesis 50:20) as we can grow through adversity.
This is a time for you to “not be overcome by evil, but to overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). Distrusting your unfaithful husband is not a reason to stop caring for him. In the agony of betrayal you must be willing to accept that you are responsible spiritually to God for others, especially your husband. “If one member suffers all suffer together” (1 Corinthians 12:26). Don’t allow pain, selfishness, or weakness to keep you from your calling as a wife to address sin in his life: to stand strong, and sometimes this is done “without a word” as you let “your respectful and pure conduct” possibly be the primary thing God uses to stir your husband to repentance and obedience (1 Peter 3:2).
God Will Be Faithful
Regardless of the depths of sexual sin, real change is common when we allow God to work in our hearts. Prior to going to prison, John and Joyce participated in our week-long intensive counseling workshop. John could have become hard and calloused in prison, yet his heart was changing through true repentance. Joyce could have decided to turn away from God and leave her husband. In pride, she might have protested that she had a right to get out of the mess that John created and get on with her life. Scripture teaches that we have no rights. We are either slaves of sin, or slaves of righteousness (Romans 6:16). Joyce decided to remain not only faithful to God, but to John. She went to live with her parents as God continued to work in her heart.
After John’s release from prison Joyce wrote to me. “God has done amazing and beautiful things in our lives. John is the most wonderful faithful husband and father. God has transformed his heart and allowed me to trust John again. There is so much respect, love, joy and great communications between us. I never would have imagined that God would do so much healing in only three short years.”
This couple learned what Charles Spurgeon taught. “God sets a high value upon His people’s faith and He will not protect them from those trials by which faith is strengthened.”
Pray that you address this trial without a selfish agenda. Difficult circumstances are not the evil, but exist to address evil in our hearts. Pray for a soft heart that trembles at the audacity of your husband’s sexual sin. Pray that you develop a deep concern for your husband, especially as you contemplate the punishment for unrepentant sexual sin.
An unfaithful husband never nullifies the faithfulness of God. He will continue to lead you to eternal life that will end all pain. The providence of God places us in various circumstances to test the genuineness of our faith. His purpose for marriage is often reached through pain, and never without pain. Look beyond the pain to the heart of God. Know that your pain is an appointment with God for Him to do His deepest work. Turning to God in the pain can become a means of spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity for the glory of God.
]]>by Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg
For more than 25 years, I have counseled Christian men and women who have lived in bondage to sexual sin. I’ve met with people who have hired prostitutes, had affairs, were addicted to pornography, lied, and blamed a spouse for their problems. I’ve listened while they described financial loss, job loss, sleep loss, and familial loss, all due to sexual sin.
As we look to the future, we see the spiritual and relational threats of sexual sin are even greater in the coming generation. Preteens are increasingly engaging in oral sex, and large numbers are likely to access porn (intentionally or unintentionally), often setting in motion a life of bondage. A few generations ago, dating relationships for teens moved from the front porch to the back seat, changing sexual behavior forever. Today, “friends with benefits” and sexting are becoming increasingly normal.
The already serious problem of sexual sin in the church is growing even more serious.
Critical to addressing the increasing amount of sexual sin in the church is understanding that sinful behavior is an indication of a deeper problem.
Tragically, our therapeutic culture often wields greater influence on what needs to change, and how change occurs, than the church does. Contrary to what many believe, freedom from sexual sin doesn’t begin with addressing past painful experiences. Having counseled thousands of men and women, I find that the first step in overcoming sexual sin is to understand that sexual misbehavior is the heart’s arrogant attempt to deal with pain, and that the pain itself is not the problem.
A proper diagnosis should dictate the treatment method. If the diagnosis is wrong, the treatment will be ineffective. But if we believe in God, and trust his word, we can receive a correct diagnosis and know our Master Physician.
“Freedom from sexual sin doesn’t begin with addressing past painful experiences.”
Jesus clearly stated the core problem: “From within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality . . . adultery . . . sensuality” (Mark 7:21–22). In other words, when it comes to sexual sin, Jesus says our core problem is not what was done to us, but what resides in us.
If our primary problem is sin — and our corrupt, rebellious nature — then we know what primarily needs to be addressed. Since a diagnosis dictates the treatment, if sin is the diagnosis, it must be treated with faith and repentance. With sexual sin, real change can only begin with real repentance — a change of the heart.
Heart change brings high motivation for behavior change. This is not the motivation of self-disgust or remorse over the harm done to others, but a higher calling. The deceitful heart is a self-centered machine that demands, “It’s my way in life, relationships, and sex. It’s all about me.” Therefore, the repentant sexual sinner gives up the illusionary control of personal desires, the control of life itself.
Let me say it as clearly as I can: When it comes to sexual sin and addiction, recovery is not repentance, and repentance is not recovery. Repentance is not merely human effort. It is not a self-help program. Repentance is God’s surgical procedure, in which he not only humbles the sinner, but works a change in him that is visible from the outside. Yes, the sexual sin stops, but a spouse says of a former sexual sinner, “He’s a different man,” or, “She’s a different woman.”
In repentance, the sexual sinner understands he has broken the law of God and is legally guilty in God’s court. The sexual sinner cries out for mercy, knowing that mercy rests entirely on God’s good pleasure. Biblical repentance not only renounces the sexual behavior; it renounces the world, the flesh, and the devil.
In repentance, the sexual sinner turns from self-seeking and self-trusting to their God. Her internal heart has changed and her controlling desire is for God’s purpose and glory. In other words, there is a new internal drive toward spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity, a striving “for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14).
Repentance is a death. When a sexual sinner repents, self dies and God reigns. It is far more than merely giving up one’s sexual sin, but surrendering one’s whole life.
In this age, sin will always be present in us. But in true repentance, the sinner’s life is no longer controlled by his sexual sin. Instead, he is governed by a longing to obey God.
True repentance bears fruit, which goes beyond sobriety. It begins a change from the inside out. There is not only change in behavior, but everything begins to shift at all levels of one’s being. A man becomes a different man; a woman becomes a different woman.
And this transformation of heart brings a transformation in relationships. He becomes a different husband; she becomes a different wife. Where sexual sin was destroying a relationship, the fruit of repentance begins restoring a relationship, as each person considers the other more important than himself (Philippians 2:3)
Note: The above article was originally a blog post on desiringgod.org on August 4, 2017.
]]>The definition of human sexuality is being redefined right before our very eyes. Dr. Al Mohler says, “In the face of the sexual revolution, the Christian church in the West now faces a set of moral challenges that exceeds anything it has experienced in the past.”
The belief that we have sexual freedom is the real moral challenge. That belief is expressed in a number of ways. The headlines primarily focus on two areas:
There is a moral challenge not covered by the media:
That change presents a serious moral challenge to the church as Christian couples begin to cohabitate before marriage. However, I believe another form of sexual freedom is the most serious moral challenge facing the church.
Notice that the shift in sexual behavior has gone from dating that used to lead to marriage to sex that doesn’t lead to dating. Before our time, dating itself representing a significant historical change in sexual behavior. In the later 19th century boys visited girls, when invited, at their homes under the eye of parents. There was no dating. Out of that, courtship ritual dating evolved. We have evolved from developing relationships “on the front porch to sex in the back seat”(Beth Bailey) with your “steady,” to sex without dating. So now the moral challenge is sex “without any strings attached,” as the norm. This distorted view of liberation is telling us that both men and women are free to say yes to sex with anyone, anytime.
As we fight this challenge, don’t assume that we have an adequate foundation of purity to stand on. For past twenty-five years I have counseled thousands of Christian married couples from across the U.S. Half have been in ministry. Yet less than 10% were virgins on their wedding night. If we have lost the battle for sexual purity before marriage, how do we keep from slipping further into this new sexual freedom?
Sexual freedom is built on the more common belief that we have the freedom to do whatever we want. In thinking we have a right to be free, we increasingly push away control and authority. The culture says we are free to pursue our own experience, pleasure and self-interest. All around us people have been rushing to pornography and uncommitted relationships. Now they are rushing to a sexual experience just for the sake of the experience. We are being told that sex has no other purpose than the experience. Notice that behind that assumption there is the belief (even held by some Christians) that we have the freedom to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The fact is, the right to be “free” has limits! Scripture says we have no such freedom!
Even if one has never seen a pornographic image, pornography is doing more to shape modern sexuality than we realize. While Christians seek to prevent seeing pornography with filters and accountability software, we leave the back door wide open to the moral challenge of sexual freedom when we privatize intimacy. Privatized intimacy can lead to false intimacy. False intimacy leads to isolation and being more and more alone in what we think about sexuality and what we do sexually. We privatize intimacy when we embrace the idea that sexuality is a private matter between consenting adults and that the church has no place in the private bedrooms of believers. First, ask yourself, and then investigate the attitudes of your teenagers: “How much have I embraced the idea that my private life is no one else’s business?”
Also ask the question, “Have I embraced the idea that love and marriage primarily have to do with personal gratification? Are we losing any sense of connection between our personal relationships and the greater purpose of God and the importance of Christian community? With our relationships becoming virtual through social media, chat rooms and online porn, we increasingly control how we meet our personal needs. The basic desire is to be in control of our lives; in control of our relationships. However, the call of God is not to find your life, but to lose your life. To “To present your body as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God.” After all, marriage is to be the model of self-giving love, demonstrating Christ giving himself for the church, his bride.
The good news is that as creatures made in the image of God we still deeply desire intimacy that should take us beyond ourselves into meaningful connections, to commitments to one another, to self-giving relationships. The model is Christ, pouring himself out for us.
As parents, pastors, and counselors, we must teach and demonstrate a distinct Christian definition of sexuality as an alternative to personal sexual freedom. We are not as sexually free as we think. The truth is, love and marriage are not primarily about personal gratification, but the glory of God for his purpose, and even for the benefit of the church.
]]>The movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, opens Thursday night just before Valentine’s Day, and it is reported it will be Fandango’s top five advance ticket-sellers in the company’s 15-year history. That’s right up there with Harry Potter, Hunger Games and Twilight movies. Interest in the movie grows as people look for an exciting girls’ night out or as a date night for Valentine’s weekend.
Virtually every man and woman under thirty knows about the movie and are talking about it, but their mothers are also scrambling to get a copy of the book. What’s all the hype about a movie that shows BDSM or Alternative Sex? The book is referred to as “mommy porn,” yet people think of it as a love story. Someone describes it as 80% porn, and 20% storyline, “but it’s a girl’s dream.” Women who have read the book say, “It is so sexually charged, it gets me sexually excited.” The book not only sells online, it has sold out at Costco and was the fastest book to sell one million copies! Why?
BDSM encompasses a broad range of sexual behavior that until recently was considered a sign of mental illness by the mental health bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Until the latest revision of the DSM was published in 2013 (the DSM-V), if someone asked their partner to tie them to a bedpost or asked to be slapped hard while in the throes of having sex the information could be used against them in family court custody cases. But because of a huge effort by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), an advocacy group founded in 1997 “to advance the rights of and advocate for consenting adults in the BDSM-Leather-Fetish, Swing, and Polyamory Communities,” the DSM revised the definition of sexual disorders that involve BDSM. The new definition makes a distinction between a behavior—like consensual rough play in the bedroom—and a symptom of mental illness.
Beyond the book and movie, Alternative Sex is appealing to women of all ages, and from a CEO to the stay-at-home mom. Understand that those who practice Alternative Sex are not walking the streets wearing leather and chains, but may be the shy, quiet girl at the office by day who turns into a whip-wielding mistress by night.
Fifty Shades of Grey has popular appeal for many reasons. Keith Miller, LICSW, explains:
Given the book’s broad-based appeal, here’s my question that gets to the point and the real danger in Alternative Sex. Why do wives, even Christian wives, who frequently lack sexual interest in marriage and perhaps would never be in submission to their husbands, want to read about erotic practices involving BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism) and then consent to engaging in Alternative Sex?
First, we must understand the terms. Sadism is getting sexual pleasure from inflicting pain. Masochism is getting sexual pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation.
For the last twenty-four years I have counseled thousands of Christian couples from across America in our weeklong intensive counseling program. In over 90% of marriages, the wife lacked sexual interest and described herself as feeling like a sexual object when engaging in sexual intimacy with her husband. They also consistently reported that they are in control of their husbands and yet complain: “I feel like his mother,” or “my husband is like one of my children.” The number one sexual problem facing married couples is inhibited sexual desire; the second is discrepancies in sexual desire. The problem is not related to age. You can be newly married, or past your fortieth anniversary. The problem is present in marriage of all ages, but is most destructive in the early years of marriage.
Many believed that the scientific sexual revolution of the 1970s, inaugurated by the work of Masters and Johnson, would dramatically enhance sexual function. Surprisingly to many, it didn’t happen. Experts recognize that there are as many sexual problems today as there were in the 1970s. So the stage is set for the Enemy to offer a solution to this massive sexual problem that is also in the today’s church.
When wives lack sexual interest, and husbands are described as “being sexually hardwired,” we can easily forget that all women are created in God’s image and are created sexually equal to men, and fallen too. The result is that books and counseling may offer solutions that actually fall short. When you understand the real problem and that erotica seems to offer what women created in God’s image want, it all begins to makes sense. Regardless of the lack of sexual interest, women are sexually hardwired too! In a different a different period of history, Paul understood that men and women were created equal and both have a sin nature. “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and like the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan many not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle. Regardless, the appeal is that it offers increased intensity of sexual pleasure, particularly for women, and opportunity to experience a “safe” controlled experience of being controlled or controlling.
Some experts on Alternative Sex who are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists see no harm in the practice and readily state that Fifty Shades of Grey does not portray accurately the value of mutual gratifying and consensual Alternative Sex. You also have others saying, “You don’t need Christian Grey’s red room of pain to elevate the discussion about sex in your relationship. There’s a risk that reading the series or seeing the movie will reinforce the common myth that ‘other people are having more and better sex than me.’” Make no mistake; God has created us for not only meaningful sexual intimacy in marriage, but to achieve that, spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity for the glory of God must be the desire that motives us. In other words, increased intense sexual pleasure is not the goal, not only for the individual, nor for the couple engaging in consensual Alternative Sex.
Finally, as a very experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I caution you not to read the book or see the movie. Having counseled thousands of couples in which either the wife or the husband lacked sexual interest, I can unequivocally state that this is not the solution to the problem. Rather, seek to develop spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity in your marriage.
For a more detailed description of the myths of Fifty Shades of Grey, read Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery’s excellent book, Pulling Back the Shades.
]]>Originally posted on orthodoxytoday.org
Eight major studies of identical twins in Australia, the U.S., and Scandinavia during the last two decades all arrive at the same conclusion: gays were not born that way.
“At best genetics is a minor factor,” says Dr. Neil Whitehead, PhD. Whitehead worked for the New Zealand government as a scientific researcher for 24 years, then spent four years working for the United Nations and International Atomic Energy Agency. Most recently, he serves as a consultant to Japanese universities about the effects of radiation exposure. His PhD is in biochemistry and statistics.
Identical twins have the same genes or DNA. They are nurtured in equal prenatal conditions. If homosexuality is caused by genetics or prenatal conditions and one twin is gay, the co-twin should also be gay.
“Because they have identical DNA, it ought to be 100%,” Dr. Whitehead notes. But the studies reveal something else. “If an identical twin has same-sex attraction the chances the co-twin has it are only about 11% for men and 14% for women.”
Because identical twins are always genetically identical, homosexuality cannot be genetically dictated. “No-one is born gay,” he notes. “The predominant things that create homosexuality in one identical twin and not in the other have to be post-birth factors.”
The predominant things that create homosexuality in one identical twin and not in the other have to be post-birth factors.
Dr. Whitehead believes same-sex attraction (SSA) is caused by “non-shared factors,” things happening to one twin but not the other, or a personal response to an event by one of the twins and not the other.
For example, one twin might have exposure to pornography or sexual abuse, but not the other. One twin may interpret and respond to their family or classroom environment differently than the other. “These individual and idiosyncratic responses to random events and to common environmental factors predominate,” he says.
The first very large, reliable study of identical twins was conducted in Australia in 1991, followed by a large U.S. study about 1997. Then Australia and the U.S. conducted more twin studies in 2000, followed by several studies in Scandinavia, according to Dr. Whitehead.
“Twin registers are the foundation of modern twin studies. They are now very large, and exist in many countries. A gigantic European twin register with a projected 600,000 members is being organized, but one of the largest in use is in Australia, with more than 25,000 twins on the books.”
A significant twin study among adolescents shows an even weaker genetic correlation. In 2002 Bearman and Brueckner studied tens of thousands of adolescent students in the U.S. The same-sex attraction concordance between identical twins was only 7.7% for males and 5.3% for females—lower than the 11% and 14% in the Australian study by Bailey et al conducted in 2000.
In the identical twin studies, Dr. Whitehead has been struck by how fluid and changeable sexual identity can be.
“Neutral academic surveys show there is substantial change. About half of the homosexual/bisexual population (in a non-therapeutic environment) moves towards heterosexuality over a lifetime. About 3% of the present heterosexual population once firmly believed themselves to be homosexual or bisexual.”
“Sexual orientation is not set in concrete,” he notes.
Most changes in sexual orientation are towards exclusive heterosexuality.
Even more remarkable, most of the changes occur without counseling or therapy. “These changes are not therapeutically induced, but happen ‘naturally’ in life, some very quickly,” Dr. Whitehead observes. “Most changes in sexual orientation are towards exclusive heterosexuality.”
Numbers of people who have changed towards exclusive heterosexuality are greater than current numbers of bisexuals and homosexuals combined. In other words, ex-gays outnumber actual gays.
The fluidity is even more pronounced among adolescents, as Bearman and Brueckner’s study demonstrated. “They found that from 16 to 17-years-old, if a person had a romantic attraction to the same sex, almost all had switched one year later.”
“The authors were pro-gay and they commented that the only stability was among the heterosexuals, who stayed the same year after year. Adolescents are a special case—generally changing their attractions from year to year.”
Still, many misconceptions persist in the popular culture. Namely, that homosexuality is genetic – so hard-wired into one’s identity that it can’t be changed. “The academics who work in the field are not happy with the portrayals by the media on the subject,” Dr. Whitehead notes. “But they prefer to stick with their academic research and not get involved in the activist side.”
]]>Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg
Typically the event doesn’t start with a confession, but by discovering your husband has a secret problem with lust, masturbation, and pornography. Faced with horrifying acts of betrayal, your reactions may range from sadness to depression, anger to rage, to sexual disinterest, to having an affair. Obviously, this is a relational problem between you and your husband; it’s a breach of trust with the love of your life. You promised to forsake all others when you said, “I do.” Very few couples getting married recognize that all marriages are a fragile covenant consummated by two sinners with seemingly good intentions. While strong love and commitment go a long way, it’s never enough—sin is always going to express itself with some level of hurt and pain. It’s always the grace of God that ultimately makes any marriage survive unfaithfulness and become more meaningful and glorifying to God.
Whether you’ve been married just a few months or for more than 25 years, your worst fears are realized when you discover hidden sexual sin. Every moment of joy, satisfaction, and intimacy you’ve known with the man of your dreams seems to have been shattered. What was real now seems unreal. What was true intimacy now feels like false intimacy. What was a trusting relationship is now filled with paralyzing mistrust. This relational mistrust becomes the main element between you and your husband in the struggle to move forward.
All marriage relationships are complicated. Unfaithfulness takes the normal complications to the tenth power. There’s no formula, “Do X, and then Y will logically follow,” but instead it’s a process of radical change, not only in your husband’s behavior, but also in his spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity.
You need to understand that your husband’s lust, masturbation, and pornography use did not begin when you “gained 20 pounds,” or “lost interest” in sex. Neither is it because your husband is visual and sexually hardwired. Women are sexually hardwired as well and are increasingly becoming addicted to pornography.
Long before you met your husband, his problem with looking at porn began, probably around age 11. Pornography is more accessible than ever, but the problem has become more extensive in conjunction with what has always lurked inside each of us: The drive to “look” isn’t an overpowering sex drive or an addiction to sex, but an overpowering, demanding, selfish desire. Pornography, with its inherent ability to be secretive with easy accessibility, uniquely meets that demand. The essence of your husband’s condition is an unwillingness to be told what to do spiritually, relationally, and sexually. You need a new man, not just a change in behavior.
You could have sex twice a day with your husband, but he would still be lusting over other women if his selfish demand is out of control. Frequency is never the real issue; rather, it is a lack of passionate desire for mature spiritual, relational, and sexual intimacy under the supremacy of Christ over all selfish demands. Death is the only viable solution for sin. Thanks be to God that death has already occurred in Christ. Marital unfaithfulness is always a relational event between you and God, and between God and your husband. Heart change is required to move from false intimacy to real intimacy with God, and you! This is the change that will give you a new man.
Experience tells me that behind every question you have, the never-ending threat of uncertainty lurks. How could this happen—I thought he loved me? What’s wrong with me? What do I do now? And the critical question: Can I ever trust him again?
When the marriage covenant is broken by unfaithfulness, the most important preparation for moving ahead starts with the offended party. Think of your situation as rock climbing at the most precarious moment you could be in. Your 200-pound husband lost his grip on the side of the mountain and has fallen. You, the 120-pound wife is holding the rope he’s dangling from. This is your life and your marriage, but most importantly, this is your sinful husband hanging over the cliff.
Pain is an appointment with God for him to do his deepest work in you, your husband, and in your marriage relationship for the glory of God.
We don’t like when things get out of hand, but this kind of moment in life forces us to face reality about God and ourselves. Truth is, you can’t get through life without pain, and you can’t make it out alive. Certainty is a myth! So you either crawl under the blankets and never get out of bed, or you develop the biblical attribute of godly steadfastness. You will never be certain of what comes next, but you can learn to always be certain of God in your future. God reigns; not chance!
In all my experience in counseling and in searching Scripture, I’m convinced that all unfaithfulness is a testing of faith, and pain is an appointment with God for him to do his deepest work in you, your husband, and in your marriage relationship for the glory of God.
A heart and a mind that is steadfast in the midst of betrayal is not numb to pain, but learns to respond to all the pain and uncertainty by knowing in that your Father knows all about your situation. Long before you ever knew of your husband’s hidden sexual sin, God was fully aware, waiting for the right moment to expose it for a purpose, and to bring a radical change of heart. Pain is inevitable, but “we can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (Romans 5:3–5). When you practice steadfastness with an understanding of the reality of God and what is really going on, you can turn your visual husband towards obedience to the Word, when he sees “your pure and reverent [life]” (1 Peter 3:1–2).
Trust is essential in any relationship, but unfaithfulness shatters trust. Sometimes working to build trust only feeds fear. You go back to thinking, “What if he’s lying again?” In fear you pull away just at the moment when real intimacy needs to increase. Instead of pulling away, focus on caring for your husband’s spiritual condition. The greater challenge of any wife facing uncertainty is not to believe that your husband will change, but that God is able to change your husband. In reality, your husband is seeking fulfillment through false intimacy. By caring, you are able to offer him what he’s always wanted: true intimacy. Looking at pornography is a complete contradiction to what your husband wants. He wants you! He has always wanted you—care enough to help him want you not only more, but better!
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that traditional accountability will control his lust. A person is only as accountable as he wants to be. The problem with formalized groups of accountability is that men, wanting to perform and look good, learn to lie better in their meetings. Resist the temptation to become his “parole officer,” because constantly checking everything never reveals the internal heart condition, but only external performance. You, with a heart seeking to be his wife according to the will of God, are his best hope for real change. Become his ally against sin, mutually asking each other, “As the months and years roll by, do you see me seeking more to be the will of God as your husband or wife, than seeking my own selfish will?”
Take the path of forgiveness; it’s a narrow path! “Forgiveness is to pardon an offender by which he is considered and treated as not guilty” (Noah Webster’s Dictionary, 1828 edition). Justice has been served for your sin and his sin; both of you are no longer under the wrath of God. Therefore, treat him better than he deserves, because that’s the way God is treating you.
When dealing with the betrayal of unfaithfulness, the change for both of you is from the inside out. It is not simply a matter of his giving up pornography, but of both of you giving up yourselves, your natural independence, and your self-will. Now you can work together to build spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity in your marriage. Always remember, together, that this is a significant relational event between you and God that can change everything, now and for eternity.
Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg is the founder of Stone Gate Resources, a counseling ministry specializing in the treatment of adultery, pornography, and all forms of sexual sin. He’s written several books including Undefiled: Redemption from Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships.
]]>In the old days when boys and girls made out in the back seat of the car, parents were afraid the girl would lose her reputation or become pregnant. Today, boys and girls are sexting; sending, sharing, and trading pictures of their private parts. They not only watch porn, they also star in their own homemade porn videos. Boys think girls should look and behave like porn stars. In the relational and sexual world of today, young girls are being asked to write their names on their breasts and send pictures. If that isn’t horrifying enough, one twelve-year-old girl reported that, “If boys want oral sex, they will ask every single day until you say yes.” The reputation isn’t to be pure, but be sexy and boast of how and when you lost your virginity. Kids today don’t need to worry about pregnancy because they are having oral sex more often than intercourse, but with many more partners.
Fundamental to helping your children is to establish a spiritually, relationally, and sexually mature marriage. If there is a lack of maturity in any of those three areas, please get help. You can consider attending one of your Biblical Intensive Counseling Workshops in Wisconsin. If you have any questions about your particular situation, call and speak with Dr. Schaumburg personally.
Every parent, grandparent and church elder must address the problem by becoming more involved with their children and youth. Do you know what your kids are doing with their cell phones? Think about your kids; think about your grandkids. Talk to them. As their parent, you must be their primary resource about all relational and sexual issues. Earn their trust to talk about anything and everything sexual and relational. The spiritual, relational, and sexual immaturity of adults is costing the next generation their spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity.
As a follow up, read:
Raising Kids in a Pornified Culture