...or a movie poster for I Am Shopping Cart Legend.

Sent in by Austin.

Ok, so I've only just come across this site, and my story actually happened last year, 23rd December, I'm working from 4-midnight in the Childrens Wear, Toys and Kid's shoes section.

Bad enough really but then at 8 my manager comes and tells me that a chick for Lingerie hasn't shown up so I have to effectively cover 4 departments by myself and I have only been working there a week! WTF??? Then the goddamn manager leaves, despite the obvious lack of staff.

Already pissed off I am attempting to prepare for the Boxing Day Sales when a manager from a different section comes over and tells me to help an old couple with lingerie because I "must have more experience in this kind of thing than me."

I go over and attempt to help this old couple, who are clearly not with it. For one she wants a new bra, as her current ones are too big, but she has NO idea what size she is wearing now, nor does she have any idea about what size she might want.

I wing it and give her something I think may be right (but as I am not trained in bra fitting I actually have no idea). Finally we finish the transaction after numerous difficulties and they ask me to walk them to where they came in.

Well this should have been my first warning that they were a little senile.

So anyway we have to go down the escalator to get there, I go first and all seems to be going well until I hear screaming above me and the old lady is hanging over the side of the escalator about to fall to the floor below!!!!!!!!

The husband is attempting to pull her over but is struggling so I have to sprint up the escalator to pull her back, essentially saving her life.

We get to the bottom and all I get is "Sorry about that she, has Alzheimers and forgets how to get onto escalators, happens all the time, Bye."

Needless to say I quit that job the week after.

...and lucky for them, you were there!

Sent in from Walmart Bitch, who writes:

"What better place for a Dora pinata than a rack of thongs?"

I'm 21 and I live at home doing daycare for my younger siblings and taking care of the house and pets so that my parents can afford to work full time and not have to pay for daycare etc.
My dad works at a well known heating and air conditioning wholesale supplier that's based here on the east coast and favors the colors black and yellow, and my mom works as a pharmacy tech in a well known drug store that favors the colors red and white.

Now, my dad's paycheck pays for our rent and our bills and my mom's paycheck covers things like food and other little necessities. We can't particularly afford for either of them to lose any work, but apparently customers don't care about that.

My mom's particular pharmacy is literally the only one left in the area that still has Tammiflu in stock and everyone including other companies like Wegmans, etc, are directing patients there. So my mom spend all day either at the register or on drive through taking scripts and handing out antibiotics and tammiflu, and the entire staff keeps huge containers of hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes.

She comes home with horror stories every day of slimy scripts, people who are obviously very sick with the flu but aren't wearing a mask, people coughing and sneezing and wiping their noses and then trying to hand her credit cards or discount cards or scripts...or sneezing all over the counters and registers without even trying to cover their mouths and sending globs of snot and slobber all over the place. They go through a medium sized container of hand sanitizer every day and a container of disinfectant wipes every couple days. Fucking disgusting.

On my dad's side, he works the counter for their branch, and he has a dipshit boss to boot. In this kind of business, contractors are often older men who are relatively ignorant outside their field of work, the kind of generation that doesn't like doctors or dentists or anything like that and have a tendency to wander around with dirt and oil under their nails and all over their hands and arms and clothes. Very set in their ways...so this apparently makes it excusable for them to come in coughing and hacking and sneezing all over the counter and putting their filthy hands all over the merchandise when they're obviously sick, and my dad isn't a fan of doctors himself but he's not stupid either, not with my mom working as a pharmacy tech plus the fact that he used to be a chef and is very hygiene conscious for someone in his line of work. He does what he can, but his boss is just like his customers (only stupider) and they don't have things like disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer and his dumbass boss won't let him buy any for the store because it's a "waste of money".

And of course his boss, who leaves at least a half hour early every day get's all kinds of pissed off when my dad has to show up 10 or fifteen minutes late sometimes because of family emergencies and car problems, despite the fact that my dad regularly stays late to finish things and make up for getting in late and what does the boss do? He yanks all my dad's sick time without even telling him, so now we REALLY can't afford for him to get sick.

Let's add to that that our landlord got served with foreclosure papers on the house we're living in...oh wait, the papers showed up here and show he hasn't payed on the mortgage since September and has been getting warnings about this, and that he kept taking our rent without letting us know and, oh, not putting it towards the mortgage.

Now, I and my sister has swine flu and my brother who is a senior in high school is risking the school dropping his college classes for absences because he's staying home to help me even though he could catch it.

Happy fucking holiday season people. My heart goes out to everyone that relies on retail hell for their income and especially anyone that has to deal with sick customers that don't try not to spread their nasty ass germs and don't care if you can't afford to get sick. I don't work retail hell but my parents have enough horror stories to keep me away. I'll pass a few more gems on at some point.

In the mean time, good luck RHU.

Praying to every pagan god in existence that we all get through this swine flu shit and the holiday hell season intact.

~Red.

A true account of what happens when we ask for a raise!

...and as an added bonus, here is Retail Death's Nov. 4th post:

 "The word always sounded like a breakfast cereal to me...

Most of us in retail have been there. You're on your break in the mall walking or shopping and people come up to you and want help, either cause your in uniform or, worse, they recognize what store you work in.

From Reality Pixie in Australia:

I work in a CD/DVD retail outlet in a major shopping center out in Soul-Rotting Suberbia, Western Australia. I often hang around and do my shopping before and after my shifts, still wearing my uniform.

I was in a shoe store one day, doing what you do when you look for new shoes: picking them up, trying them on and walking around, all the usual "I'm a customer and I'm looking to purchase a snazzy new pair of footwears" sort of behaviours, certainly not "I work here and am looking to serve customers" behaviours.

Anyway, after a short amount of time another customer approached me and asked if I could please find x shoes in x size her her.

No dramas, it's common mistake.

I laughed it off in a friendly way and politely pointed out that I work for a different retail store. She did the usual customer thing, acting all embarrassed and spewing apologies, so I went back to trying on shoes....but she just stood there watching me.

After a while she approached me again, this time looking a little annoyed, and said, "Well? Can I get these in a size 7??"

The rest of our exchange went something like this.....

Me: "Umm...no ma'am, yet again I don't actually work here..."

Cust: "Well can you go and get somebody who does??"

Me: "....No. I'm buying shoes."

Fortunately, somebody who actually worked at the store overheard her harpy screeches and took her off my hands.

But the story doesn't end there, RHU, oh no.

A couple days later I got a call from the area manager of the company I actually work for. The same dipshit actually took note of the name and store I worked at on my name tag, and filed a complaint against me!

Fortunately the area manager thought it was hilarious. Oh, but still, the story goes on.

Not only did Ms. Dipshit complain to my company, but to the manager of the shoe store. Apparently she was quite upset when she was informed that the manager there could not take disciplinary action against staff from other stores....

God I have so many of these stories. I have rather distinctive shoulder length dreadlocks and wear purple-framed glasses, so I'm pretty recognizable. Unfortunately the shopping center is also my local, so I'm constantly getting customers come up to me when I'm doing my shopping on my days off (so I'm obviously not in uniform) saying "Hey! You're that chick that works in -----, aren't you? Is it your day off? Oh, could you help me with this anyway?"

Short answer? I will break your fucking neck.

Monotony before the Madness.

Here we have a retailicous poem from Shirley the Sunglass Slave:

Sundays are quite erratic in our mall, being either nice and busy or dead as a doornail.

Today was the second type of day, so I quickly became bored.

I got out my neon writing tablet and started just jotting stuff down and came up with this little treasure:

Shirley the Sunglass Slave

"Trying to decide between a career as a forester or a crash test barrier."

- From Mick

From Ian:

Back when I was in High School, I worked for one of the big chain video rental stores. I won’t say which one, but the colors are blue and gold. 

So, this is back in the day of VHS Tapes, and we had some rather old tapes on the shelves. Some of these tapes were from the early days of VHS and were prone to a few problems. 

So one day someone comes in and rents one of these older tapes. He returns to our store later that night demanding to speak to a manager. 

I lead him over to my Manager who was very cool and good with these types of customers.  Unfortunately I was within ear shot of this idiot while he was ranting.

Apparently, this waste of air rented one of the older videos and took it home to watch. He put the tape into the downstairs VCR and it got stuck. 

“It wouldn’t go down when I put it in, and it wouldn’t come up when I hit eject."

So he took the VCR into the dining room and proceeded to take the entire thing apart.  He was specific to note that he may have broken a few pieces and so it was impossible to put it back together. 

So why does this guy rank as a waste of air? 

This tape having just destroyed his VCR, he took it upstairs and proceeded to use the VCR there. 

Guess what?

It stuck again.

Same table with all of the pieces of the other VCR on it, he took apart the second one.  Broke some of that one as well. 

So he comes in and demands that we refund the cost of the tape, which she gladly does, and that we cover the cost of him getting two VCRs repaired. 

In his mind it was our tape that damaged his machines, not the fact that he butchered them with a screwdriver and a pair of wire cutters. 

My manager told him that he was SOL because he broke them, not us. 

That guy yelled so loud at the two of us I had a headache all night.

This just in from Kerry:

Ugh! I wanna cry and/or stab my eardrums with a sharp object.

Christmas music!!

It started on Wednesday the 4th!

This year they didn't even bother to start slow or sneak a couple in there every once in a while.

It is literally every other goddamn song.

All the Christmas decoration...s are up, all the commercials and announcements are "holiday themed," and our store hours have already extended, sometimes to effing midnight.

Kill me please!

Yes, it's true...Walmart is selling Coffins and Urns online! You can get a Lady De Guadalupe Steel Casket sent directly to your home. It's nice to know vampires have a place to turn when they need lodging. This was reported to us from H K, who said:

"Is nothing sacred?  Is our death now being bandied about for profits for one of the most unethical corporations around? Words cannot describe the...incredulousness and disgust I feel. I feel dirty. There's even a patriot coffin there.  I wonder how long it will be until there is a Three Wolves and Full Moon" coffin and/or urn."

...or a Hannah Montana Superstar...or Martha Stewart Living...

To read the story CLICK HERE.

To shop for a coffin or urn CLICK HERE.

We all know phones, we all use phones.

But.... we all hate serving someone whose phone is stuck to their face-or worse, is wearing an ear-piece and doesn't feel the need to distinguish who they're talking to.

This is the story of 2 very different phone users.

The first phone user is a suit.

He walks in, checks his phone and DIALS A NUMBER.

I've been working near 5 hours already, I'm over life, I fumble with my gloves, look at him and, dripping in sarcasm smile, saying 'Oh, so sorry, I'll wait til you're done.'

He looks down his nose at me, literally, and begins his order. He mentions salads, meats and that he wants it toasted... but not the critical bread type.

"Sorry sir, which bread were you after?"

I remember his order, the whole thing, and manage to make it without infringing on his conversation, then wrap it and finish the transaction.

I've managed to make his sandwich PERFECTLY and he doesn't even say goodbye...

They smile, I ask what they want, they say ham, I ask which bread. One says 'oh sorry! white'

A customer apologized!

What is this?

They're polite, I'm polite. They're joking with each other, generally entertaining me.

THEN.

A phone rings.

The guy picks it up, answers.

"Hey, I'm getting served in a shop, call me back in 5." He hangs up.

AND they cleared their own table.

From: It's customer service, not customers' servants.

  

Comeback Lines:

Fuck You It's Not a Musical

I have all respect for retail warriors in other kinds of stores, but sadly.. Everyone has to eat.

Do you know why grocery stores have automatic doors?

It's not to make shoving in carts easier, it's because some of these mouth breathers wouldn't be able to figure out how to get a door open.

Back in the old days there were two or three dried up custy bodies leaning against the glass a week, pawing at the door handles with this dazed confusion still on their faces before the old timers chucked them in the growler for chili. We miss you Darwin!

Chris of Chicago

Want to jack up a wally vest and send it to us? CLICK HERE

I worked at a fairly well known video game retail chain, but our location was less than great. We constantly had to deal with people trying their best to work one over on us. This man came in one day when I was the manager closing.

Customer: "I didn't do it! The factory must have! My son must have! This is outrageous!"

Me: "Get the fuck out of my store before I call the cops about you and something I hate - theft."

At that, his eyes went wide, he grabbed the box and made a beeline for the door.

Never saw him again, and he was certainly not the last one of that type I'd tell to get the fuck out.

I've done it a number of times.

...and that, my friend Marcus, is why you get our coveted Retail Balls award. Well done!

If you have a Retail Balls story send it to us: submit@retailhellunderground.com

WTF?

What a moron.

That's what food poisoning, broken cars, and swine flu are for!

Calling the fuck in!

If you didn't already hear about the story, click the link above to the Huffington post.

Posted using ShareThis