Retard Zone

Congress takes over GM and launches it’s first new car

Jerome — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 08:28:19 +0000

In case you were wondering what sort of cars Detroit would start churning out now that it’s controlled by a labor union friendly pro environment leaning congress… The Congressional Motors GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition could be hitting the roads in 2012.

It’s in the way you dress. The way you boogie down. The way you sign your unemployment check. You’re a man who likes to do things your own way. And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted, you want it in your car. It’s that special feeling of a zero-emissions wind at your back and a road ahead meandering with possibilities. The kind of feeling you get behind the wheel of the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition from Congressional Motors.

All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again — with a vengeance.

We’ve subsidized the features you want and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-designed V-3 under the hood pumping out 22.5 thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit muscle, you’ll never be late for the Disco or the Day Labor Shelter. Engage the pedal drive or strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFE mileage standards. At an estimated 268 MPG, that’s a savings of nearly $1800 per week in fuel cost over the 2011 Pelosi.

Even with increased performance we didn’t skimp on safety. With 11-point passenger racing harnesses, 15-way airbags, and mandatory hockey helmet, you’ll have the security knowing that you could survive a 45 MPH collision even if the GTxi SS/Rt were capable of that kind of illegal speed…

Read the Rest of the Hilarious (but terrifyingly possible) Article from Iowahawk

What conspiracy theory really killed David Carradine

Jerome — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 00:09:08 +0000

The legendary grasshopper has passed, and all we can do is cry and wonder how a suicidal failed actor with addition and money problems could have possibly killed himself. There must have been a conspiracy and we have the ten most likely causes of David Carradine’s untimely death…

Church of Scientology Murdered Him
	David Carradine’s wife Annie Bierman is a Scientologist with close ties to leaders in the Church of Scientology. Rumors are spreading throughout the internet that a hit was ordered by the church because Carradine had secrets about the church and was about to go public with them. Plausibility:	1

Long Standing Feud With Chuck Norris
	If Chuck Norris wants you dead — you are a dead man, woman, or vegetable. David Carradine’s girlish Thai Chi rants were finally enough for the most lethal actor of all time who snuck in and out without being seen (because he’s Chuck Norris). Plausibility:	2

Ninjas

David Carradine had mocked the secretive assassins for years in movies. Punching their kind in movies apparently one too many times a contract was put out by by villainous ninja led by the mysterious real life Purple Lady.

Plausibility:

Murdered by Psychotic Kill BIll Fan

Kill BIll is not just a movie with a somewhat successful sequel, to some it is a way of life. Fans around the world had sought to track Bill down and kill him even if he was just a 72 year old actor. So one this fan from England on vacation in Thailand saw Carradine she tracked him (or Bill in her mind) and killed him.

Plausibility:

Third World Hooker Asphyxiation

Outsourcing can leads to all kinds of quality control problems and Carradine may have paid for the cost cutting move with his life. Third world hookers may know how to live with a half a dozen STD’s but some instructions on safe asphyxiation just didn’t translate.

Plausibility:

Dick Cheney Believed He Was a Terrorist

Perhaps confused by a movie role where Carradine played a villain or just assuming that the actor was tied to liberals who support terrorists Cheney tortured the 72 year old actor. The harsh interrogation resulted in the death of the B movie actor.

Plausibility:

Mistakenly Believed He Was Supernatural
	Perhaps as a result of decades of drug and alcohol abuse combined with mystical martial arts roles the 72 year old actor believed he had obtained supernatural powers. He believed if he were choked to death he would come back to life like John Locke from the TV show lost (he hadn’t seen the latest episode where it was revealed Locke was really dead yet either.) Plausibility:	7

Kung Fu Fan Tried to Take His Pebble

Some confused fan of the TV show Kung Fu attempted to obtain Shaolin master status by taking David Carradine’s pebble. When Carradine struggled the fan attempted to make the murder look like a suicide.

Plausibility:

Strangled Himself Accidentally
	David Carradine accidentally killed himself while experimenting with a new Tai Chi method, accidentally choking himself and his balls to death. Plausibility:	9

Superhero Suicide Syndrome
	Superman actor George Reeves and gay cowboy beefcake Heath Ledger were the first two to die of what TV psychiatrists are calling Superhero Suicide Syndrome. This sort of thing always happens in threes in Hollywood so David Carradine fills out our tragic trio. Plausibility:	10

What really happened to Air France Flight 447?

Jerome — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 18:35:34 +0000

Here are the ten most plausible scenarios for what happened to Air France Flight 447, lost off northeastern Brazil to waters off West Africa. The Airbus A330-200 was cruising normally at 35,000 feet and 522 mph just before it literally disappeared nearly four hours into the flight.

Someone Turned on a Cell Phone
	Investigators are narrowing in on the possibility that a cellular phone or possibly an iPhone catastrophically interfered with the aircraft’s avionics. Plausibility:	1

Global Warming
	Global warming experts have been predicting this massive superstorm scenario where warmer oceans churn out massive thunderstorms. Flight 447 was just the first victim in a dangerous new sky that could now be unsafe to fly in. Plausibility:	2

Somali Pirates

Forced to operate further and further from shore, four Somali pirates booked tickets on the Air France flight and planned to ransom the passengers for millions.

Plausibility:

The Swine Flu / H1N1 Mutated

In a nightmare scenario the H1N1 virus also known as the swine flu mutated on board the Air France flight. The crew and passengers literally melted trapped in the re circulated plague filled air.

Plausibility:

Alien Abduction

The American military has refused to release any satellite imagery and radar tracking from the day the flight disappeared. UFO experts fear flight 447 was just the latest and most brazen in a string of alien abductions.

Plausibility:

Snakes on a Plane

Snakes are constantly being found on flights from tropical countries where they slither into airplane compartments. Aviation experts fear the snake unknowingly wrapped itself around a vulnerable electrical nexus on the airbus and literally turned the power off.

Plausibility:

Struck Home Floating on Balloons
	In an apparent copycat of the movie UP a German family of Disney fans strapped hundreds of atmospheric weather balloons to their Munich home. Investigators theorize that after nearly a week aloft the family died of high altitude hypoxia and the home floated into air traffic lanes and collided with Flight 447. Plausibility:	7

Lost Island

The popular TV series LOST is actually based on an nautical legend that an island covered by magnetic power has been home to castaways who crashed on it’s shores. In three years the passengers of flight 427 will go back to the 1970s and prevent the crash using a hydrogen bomb.

Plausibility:

The Brazilian Triangle
	Countless ships and planes over the years have been lost in an torturous seas to the north of Brazil. Like the Bermuda triangle the troubled waters have similar magnetic anomalies. Plausibility:	9

French Woman with Hairdryer
	The fire that brought down Swissair jet off the coast of Nova Scotia in 1998 was likely caused by an electrical fault in the plane’s entertainment system. Aviation experts have long warned against allowing more and more electrical devices was cheating disaster, and fear that a new policy allowing hair dryers would lead to disaster. Plausibility:	10

Which cartoon characters are gay?

Jerome — Thu, 28 May 2009 21:27:07 +0000

Which cartoon characters are the most likely to be closeted homosexuals? Lets out the ten most likely gays using our own cartoon gaydar with a plus or minus 30% gay accuracy rating.

Waylon Smithers

Waylon Smithers whose closeted sexual orientation has been characterized by the writers of the show as "Burns-sexual" which is where men are apparently attracted to men of nursing home age.

TV Show: The Simpsons

Stewie Griffin
	Stewie Griffith has all of the classic signs or symptoms of being gay except he really doesn’t like his mother. Stewie is breaking ground as the first gay infant on television. TV Show: The Family Guy	2

Tinky-Winky Teletubby
	Tinky Winky who has a triangle on his head, acts effeminately and carries a purse has been accused of trying to turn children gay by the far right for nearly a decade. TV Show: The Teletubbies	3

Sebastian the Crab
	Horatio Thelonious Ignacious Crustaceous Sebastian may not have come out of his shell yet but he’s definitely stuffing boy crabs. TV Show: The Little Mermaid	4

Spongebob Squarepants
	Spongebob is a soft asexual, anti-masculine figure who lives in a pineapple in an undersea locale called Bikini Bottom. His best friends are an ebullient pink starfish named Patrick. and a Squid who enjoys bubble baths and classical music and talks like Paul Lynde. SpongeBob and Patrick are occasionally seen holding hands. As an article on the Gay Financial Network’s website puts it, ”You do the math, folks.” TV Show: Spongebob Squarepants	5

Hefty, Handy, Clumsy, Brainy & Vanity Smurf
	Hefty, Handy and Vanity are gay archetypes. Vanity is the kind of gay archetype commonly presented by the straight entertainment industry, while Hefty and Handy are gay archetypes in the same vein as the Village People, with their extremely iconic masculinity, exaggerated to the point of camp. Meanwhile, I believe Clumsy and Brainy represent an stereotypical gay couple. Besides 100 males with only one woman would have to go gay unless the woman was Madonna. TV Show: The Smurfs	6

Timon & Pumbaa
	Timon & Pumbaa are always on the lookout for a good worm to stick in their mouths. Not just Disney’s first gay couple they were also the first gay couple to adopt and raise Simba the Lion King. TV Show: The Lion King	7

Peppermint Patty
	Peppermint Patty had a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football, and even picked on boys. She always hung out with that androgynous Marcie who calls her "sir" and she always wears comfortable shoes. TV Show: Charlie Brown	8

Bert & Ernie
	Bert & Ernie two single men who live together, take baths together and sleep in the same bed have to be gay. TV Show: Sesame Street	9

Velma Dinkley

Velma Dinkley always tries to cuddle up next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. She sported a butch Pete Rose haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck-sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

TV Show: Scooby Doo

KISS rock band Lego set

Jerome — Wed, 27 May 2009 18:16:48 +0000

This is the Rock Legends KISS in Legos made by Jonathan Gilbert, including Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and Peter Criss. They are in their tour outfits from 1975, the Dressed To Kill Tour.

More Pictures

Ten best shows on TV

Jerome — Tue, 26 May 2009 22:32:55 +0000

Here are the ten best shows currently on television as compiled by RZone staff members.

Better Off Ted
	Synopsis: Comedy where office manager in gigantic multinational corporation runs design team developing new products. Lineage: Office Space meets Malcolm in the Middle. Network: ABC	1

Fringe
	Synopsis: Special agent, mad scientist and slacker son team up to solve mysterious crimes. Lineage: X-Files meets Mad scientist dysfunctional family. Network: FOX	2

South Park

Synopsis:

Animated comedy where four small children solve some current events problem ~~ripped~~ stolen from the headlines.

Lineage:

Charlie Brown class from hell.

Network: Comedy Channel

Destination Truth

Synopsis:

Send a team of investigators with cameras around the world looking for undiscovered monsters that don’t exist.

Lineage:

Weekly World News (that tabloid they used to have in check out isles that covered nonexistent monsters) in TV form

Network: Sci Fi Channel

The Simpsons

Synopsis:

The original sarcastic cartoon where
dysfunctional family attempts normalhood with disastrous results.

Lineage:

Leave it to Beaver meets Married with Children.

Network: FOX

Burn Notice

Synopsis:

Secret agent gets laid off and solves crimes while trying to find out who burned him.

Lineage:

Magnum PI meets the A-Team.

Network: USA

Psych
	Synopsis: Intuitive slacker with photographic memory pretends to be a psychic investigator solving crimes. Lineage: Fletch with a touch of Scooby Doo. Network: USA	7

Testees

Synopsis:

Two best friends and roommates make a living as guinea pigs for "Testico," a drug and product testing facility.

Lineage:

Borat meets Jackass situational comedy.

Network: FX

Monk
	Synopsis: Detective’s obsessive compulsive disorder forces him off the police force, but he’s so good at solving crimes he works freelance. Lineage: Rainman meets Sherlock Holmes. Network: USA	9

Family Guy

Synopsis:

Sarcastic animated family comedy
parodying everything it can copy without getting sued.

Lineage:

Brady Bunch meets Dumb and Dumber.

Network: FOX

Recently Cancelled

REAPER: Similar to Brimstone, only with slackers. Was a comedy where Sam whose soul was sold to the devil by his parents tracks down escaped souls for the devil.

MY NAME IS EARL: White trash goes around trying to undo all the bad things he did before getting hit by a car and learning about Karma while watching a TV talk show.

Recently
Killed

Office Space in Legos

Jerome — Tue, 26 May 2009 21:16:52 +0000

Office Space is not only the greatest movie of all time, for some it’s a way of life. And what better way to celebrate anything than recreate it in Legos or velvet paintings.

Office Space in Legos.

The actual scene from Office Space.

The greatest movie in the history of Hollywood or Texas.

Initech company headquarters or any place of work where dreams come to die and souls to be crushed.

Cubicle jungle.

Someone has a case of the Mondays.

I ask you, “Is this good for the company?”

Cubicle: pre-improvement.

About that TPS report…

Looking for Peter after being hypnotized out of caring about anything.

Improving your workspace…

Enjoying not working.

Inspiration.

Cubicle view.

Parking Lot view.

PC Load Letter this…

To bosses everywhere.

Man contemplating suicide gets a helpful push off bridge

Jerome — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:46:11 +0000

A Chinese man heavily in debt spent five hours blocking traffic when finally a passer by got fed up and pushed him off the bridge he was considering jumping from.

Chen Fuchao (no f word jokes please) was about 2 million chinese Yuan in debt, around $290,000 (or one shelf worth of Chinese goods at Walmart).

So he stood on a bridge where 6 other jumpers had ended their lives for around five hours blocking traffic.

66-year-old Lai Jiansheng was fed up with Chen’s “selfish activity” and after breaking though a police cordon pushed Chen off the bridge.

Chen landed on a partially inflated air bag and suffered injuries to his elbow and back.

Lai Jiansheng was detained but released by police after the incident.

Lai posed with a salute after pushing the suicidal man off the bridge.

MSNBC Article

Jealous crane operator use cheating wife’s boat as wrecking ball

Jerome — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:28:52 +0000

Sure it’s as fake as Lindsey Lohan’s rack and has equally bad acting, but still it’s decently entertaining. Besides unless you live in my trailer park you don’t see stuff like this everyday.

Just in case you’re wondering it’s an episode from Reno 911.

Butt Hole Road comes to an end

Jerome — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:58:38 +0000

One road in South Yorkshire (the one in England not the pudding) was so sick of being the butt of jokes that it was forced to change it’s name. After internet postings the sign had become famous and tourists would bare themselves in front of the sign for pictures.

Some residents had become so fed up with the name of the road they had moved.

The street was probably named after a communal water butt.

A rainwater tank sometimes called rain barrels in America are called water butts in the UK.

The new sign (new Butt Hole Road)

The old sign

There is already a petition to switch the name of the road back to Butt Hole Road.

Daily Mail Article