Retirement Potential

TAKE AIM WITH CUPID’S ARROW

Barbara — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 15:59:11 +0000

Who doesn’t equate Cupid with love and desire? He is the god of love from Roman mythology and is depicted as a winged blond cherub flying about the mythical world. He is known to aim his bow and arrows at the Gods, Goddesses and Humans causing them to fall deeply in love. For a second…just for a second, I wish I had Cupid’s powers. I would create a special arrow and aim it at YOU. With this arrow’s touch you would fall in love…but not with someone else. The object of your love and attention would be you!

Well maybe this sounds outrageous and totally narcissistic, but I’ve talked to so many, who remain narrowly focused on others and gives themselves insufficient “self care!” Several of my clients share that they are sad and frustrated over not fulfilling their own dreams and wishes. But paradoxically they say to put themselves first is “selfish” and “rude.” They explain that they have no time for their needs, because family, friends and other demands come first. Some have good intentions to set strong boundaries but end up saying, “yes” to too many requests, leaving no time for their own wishes. They have countless excuses why those personal activities that nurture and vitalize them are put on hold or are long forgotten.

As we reach the 55+ years and are near or in retirement, we comfortably can step away from these previously held commitments. There may have been times when the demands of life were overwhelming and you (and I) felt like martyrs, taking on tasks way beyond reason. But now, things are different. We don’t have nearly the obligations nipping at our heels as we used to allowing us to be more attentive to our own needs.

So this Valentine’s Day ask yourself…Do I:

Allow other people’s needs to consistently override my own?
Silently slip into accepting less than I want?
Feel disappointed when others don’t know what I need or want?
Avoid or postpone my own health care due to time constraints?
Needlessly prioritize my work over relaxing and playful activities?
Repeatedly participate in activities that drain or annoy me?
Have more relationships based on my giving rather than receiving?

If you’ve answer yes to one or more of these questions, then it is time for rebalancing your self-love quotient. Yes, stop settling for less than and start filling your life with more of what you want. I realize that there are some who don’t need this lesson, as they have let the self-love pendulum swing too far in the ME direction and think mainly of themselves. This message, however, is for the restless nurturers yearning to be set free and pursue dreams of their own.

Wait no longer for someone else to do it for you. This is the time for you! I propose on this Valentine’s Day, to put yourself high up on your list. Make a commitment to end self-denying behaviors and proudly bring self-love and care back into your life. If not now…when?

Tips to Stay Youthful

Barbara — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:31:08 +0000

Last week at my annual check-up, the doctor’s assistant took my blood pressure and updated my record. In doing so she asked me, “So how young are you?” I was struck by her wording because usually I am asked how old I am, not how young! I thought….do I look old to this employee? Is she being cute or diplomatic in an attempt to avoid making me feel too old? After my exam I left the office pondering her question. I wondered if I’ve stepped over an invisible threshold of being too old to be asked, “How old are you!” Why haven’t I anticipated my journey across that magical line?

I don’t know if there is one specific answer for these questions as we all age differently. Some folks maintain lots of spunk while others get old and weary way before their time. No matter the years, I’d like to think of youth as an age and youthfulness as an attitude! I consider myself as youthful and aim to live for a long time to come! But in spite of my optimism, society and in this case the doctor’s assistant would remind me that I am getting older. Those subtle messages challenge me to hold onto my youthful mindset. I make a daily effort to deflect the barrage of anti-aging perceptions all around me, especially so prevalent in Southern California. The media fills the air with images of youth as being good and aging not. It takes effort to ignore society’s outdated notions about aging and overcome the prejudices.

In my coaching and Reinventing the Golden Years classes, I discuss age perception and how to maintain a youthful outlook! Take a look at some of the tips I discuss:

A youthful attitude is your best tool. Age is only a number and your attitude about it can buffer society’s outdated projections about what it means to grow older.
Shift your focus from your external physical ability and beauty to value what is inside…your inner wisdom, grace and well earned experience.
Keep your mind active. Find something new to learn everyday. Expand your experiences and broaden your world.
Respect your body and keep your health optimal.
Let go of old baggage that is burdensome and resolve unfinished business with family and friends.
Provide service to others….family member, friend, mentor, volunteer.
Humor, humor and more humor…..the salve of life.

If wrinkles must be written upon our brows, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should never grow old.

~ James A. Garfield ~ 20^th US President

Building the Mother - Daughter Connection

Barbara — Thu, 21 May 2009 00:34:37 +0000

Have you ever asked yourself…Why do I have to walk on egg shells around my daughter? Why does my daughter feel criticized when I’m just trying to help? How can my daughter say I don’t understand her? Why must I bite my tongue when I see how she parents her children? These are but a few of the questions I encounter when I coach women who wish to be closer to their adult daughters, but can’t seem to get it right!

Many mothers struggle when communicating with adult family members, but no interaction is as delicate as with their daughters. Well into their adulthood, we feel the need to provide and protect our children, as we did when they were little. We want to spare them any pain and steer them in the right direction. We have great wisdom to offer and want to justify our wish to participate in their lives. We tell ourselves that since we’ve been around the block a few times, we are more aware of those dangerous pitfalls. Besides, who can know and love a child better than a mother?

In spite of our good intentions, nothing can sabotage a mother-daughter relationship faster than a mother whose communication is perceived as critical and controlling. While we mean no harm, our comments can whisk an adult child to earlier decades where the thought of clinging to our apron strings makes them recoil. Our adult daughters want to show us that they can make wise choices and lead their own lives, even at the risk of making a mistake. They want us to be proud of them and acknowledge their competence.

So where do our good intentions fall off track? Communication is complex. On the surface we hear the words and yet underneath they convey multiple messages. A suggestion such as “Wouldn’t you like to try my hairdresser? She gives a really good hair cut!” can simply be taken as a kind gesture. Or it can also kick off a wave of bad feelings, perceived criticism and disappointment. Every communication is sent with a given intention, but it may be received at the other end with another set of interpretations depending upon who we are, our needs and history.

Perhaps these tips I use when coaching my clients will be helpful:

Think of your statement as double pronged. There are the words verbatim versus the larger picture…those feelings we attach to those words. The unspoken feelings are usually the ones that cause the emotionally charged exchanges.
Take the conversation deeper to reach those underlying issues. Build a connection to your daughter by clarifying each other’s perspective and address any misleading “tone.”
Learn the art of offering a sincere apology and acquire the ability to receive a genuine one.
Some daughters are particularly reliant upon your opinion and will be super sensitive to your remarks. Trust that you did a good enough job raising your daughter and that she can carry forward!
Remember, our daughters, like us, need love and acceptance far more than they need advice.

Families are our safety nets. In them we seek comfort from the very people who potentially wield the most influence over us. Respect the power of this relationship. Explore better ways to communicate and seek professional help if you get stuck. It is well worth the effort, because nothing can be more satisfying or begin to replace a strong mother-daughter relationship.

You Gotta Have Heart

Barbara — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:07:42 +0000

Anyone who’s seen the award winning musical Damn Yankees will remember the hopeful Coach Van Buren inspiring his baseball team, the Senators, in the song “You’ve Gotta Have Heart!” He advises his team that there is more to baseball than talented players. In regards to the game, he says…. “All you really need is heart. When the odds are sayin you’ll never win, that’s when the grin should start!” What better time than February to talk about “having heart!”

My coaching mantra is that heart is required in every game of life! This time of the year in particular we celebrate love and that glorious feeling of connection…loving and being loved. If you have a special someone, consider yourself lucky and cherish all the benefits that come with love! If on the other hand you are missing a special person in your life, don’t despair or be discouraged from finding that someone. Be optimistic and proactive as the rewards are numerous and have a long-term positive impact on your life.

Dr. George Valliant, director of the Harvard Adult Development Study, states in his book Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Harvard Study of Adult Development that our choices in life can override our genetics, financial status and other factors in determining how we age. If we choose to develop and maintain relationships, be they intimate or merely plutonic, we realize greater life satisfaction and remain healthier and happier. Dr. Valliant recommends cultivating new and many friends especially across the generational lines. Surrounding ourselves with people of all ages keeps us young and vital, offers us a sense of value and broadens our social opportunities.

Many of my women clients, who have a full circle of female friends, tell me it is difficult to find good male companionship. Statistically women do out number men, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a good match waiting for you.

So…. You’ve gotta have hope! Musn’t sit around and mope. Nuthin’ half as bad as it may appear, wait’ll next year and hope. When your luck is battin’ zero, get your chin up off the floor. Mister (Ms.), you can be a hero. You can open any door. There’s nothin’ to it, but to do it. You’ve gotta have heart!

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It’s Back To Work I Go!

Barbara — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:52:23 +0000

Chances are…you or someone you know is whistling this familiar tune. Happy about it or not, those of us age 50+ are faced with a daunting dilemma. Should we pre-retirees postpone retirement for a few years longer or should those of us already retired return to work to make up for recent financial losses? With the tumbling stock market and eroding home values, older folks do not have the luxury to wait and see how long or even if the market will fully recover! We are faced with today’s harsh reality that our savings, once thought to be ample, now may not be enough!

In a recent survey more than 50% of seniors were either postponing retirement or considering returning to work in hopes of offsetting their losses. For those seeking a job, it may not be an easy task. With scores of unemployed of all ages vying for fewer jobs, an older applicant, who may lack up-to-date skills, will have a tough time competing. Even if they do get a job, it is usually at a fraction of previous wages, requires set hours and may be physically demanding.

For those who are high spirited and willing to conquer this challenge, there is a new trend emerging! Baby boomers are turning to home base businesses for their third age income. In her book Turning Silver into Gold: How to Profit in the New Boomer Marketplace , author and authority on marketing to baby boomers, Mary Furlong coined the phrase “lifestyle business!” These are businesses owned by sole entrepreneurs, who want to take charge of their destiny and create a business of their own. They have vim and vigor, want to be their own boss and make executive decisions, set their hours, all while mixing in fun, family, travel and leisure. It is a perfect blend of lifestyle and business.

What is appealing about these home based start-ups is that you don’t need a lot of capital! With a small investment you can continue variations of your previous career utilizing well-seasoned skills or venture into something entirely new and different. The golden rule is threefold: find some area of need….your niche, make it something you are truly passionate about and have the commitment to get it up and running. The carrot at the end of this stick is of course, the additional income securing your financial independence!

There are countless websites that will educate and assist you in building your own business as well as those sites, which post jobs geared toward prospective employees age 50+. If you are one of those headed back to work, here are a few of my favorites for start-ups and job seekers. For a more complete list click the link below:

Start-Ups

Score — www.score.org

Is a nonprofit association working together with the Small Business Association (SBA). They are dedicated to educating entrepreneurs and the formation, growth and success of small businesses. It is a nationwide organization that is served by business people, who donate their time and expertise as counselors to those seeking help.

Bizstarters– www.bizstarters.com

Is a program offering group coaching, workshops and support to those 50+ who want their own business

National Association for the Self-Employed (NASE) — www.NASE.org

Is the nation’s leading resource for the self-employed and micro-businesses providing a broad range of benefits and support to help the smallest businesses succeed.

Women’s Institute for a Secure Retirement (WISER) — www.wiserwomen.org

Works to provide women with basic financial information aimed at helping them take financial control over their lives and to increase awareness of the structural barriers that prevent women’s adequate participation in the nation’s retirement systems.

Ladies Who Launch — www.ladieswholaunch.com

Is a site offering business resources and connections to women, who at any age wish to start their own business. Coming soon is the “late blooming launchers!”

Jobs

Jobs4Point0 — www.job4point0.com

A site offering job opportunities for candidates 40 and over with great companies that value diversity of experience. They work only with select companies that embrace the unique benefits of the experienced worker.

Experience Works! — www.experienceworks.org

Experience Works helps low-income seniors, with multiple barriers to employment; get the training they need to find good jobs in their local communities.

Dinosaur Exchange — www.dinosaur-exchange.com

This international site has been set up primarily to act as an intermediary between the retired with the experience, the “Dinosaurs” and the people who need it, the “Dinosaur Hunters.”

RebootYou.com — www.RebootYou.com

Is a site designed to help people reinvent themselves? They offer resources, examples, stories, inspiration and information to help you make a transition to your next career.

Retirement Jobs — www.RetirementJobs.com

Is a site to identify companies most-suited to older workers and match them with active, productive, conscientious, mature adults seeking a job or project that matches their lifestyles? The AARP.org Job Search Engine is powered by RetirementJobs.com

Workforce50 — www.workforce50.com (formerly Senior Job Bank)

Is committed to helping the mature job seekers of America find meaningful employment opportunities. All jobs are placed by employers specifically interested in staffing from the over-50 workforce. Our employment and education resources cater to mature workers searching for employment, in transition or approaching retirement.

Insightful New Year Resolutions

Barbara — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:31:04 +0000

As January rolls around, I am reminded of the Roman God Janus, who is depicted with two heads, facing in opposite directions. He is said to have the ability to look forward and backward at the same time, which is why he is designated as the guardian of gates, doors, bridges and pathways. He symbolizes the gift of seeing the past and the future to ensure safe and smooth transitions. Hence we have his namesake of January as the beginning of every year or janitor as the watchdog of the grounds.

Janus provides us with a valuable lesson as we set our resolutions for 2009. Before we look ahead toward what is desired in the months to come, we first need to look back and take into account what we have learned about ourselves in the past 12 months. A survey done by the University of Washington found that 65% of those who made resolutions at the end of the year did so without proper thought and circumspection. This is a formula for failure and why so many people forego their good intentions.

Successful resolutions are those that are sustained by a full personal commitment to change. This commitment is a result of a thoughtful and honest assessment of the past; especially noticing our patterns from previous derailed tasks and projects. To avoid repeating these mistakes, take the time to review your successes and failures. Ask yourself why you lost focus and how you could do better. Identify the people who have had a positive impact on your growth and those who stood in your path. Welcome the opportunity to learn from your challenges and develop an “insightful” resolution where you’ll find success this time next year. Be assured 2009 will come and go without you taking one tiny baby step toward your goals. So why not make the most of this coming year? Hold the vision that next January you’ll be celebrating your successfully accomplished resolutions and ready to set even loftier heights in 2010.

Action Steps for Success

Below are a few probing questions I ask my clients to help them construct their list of resolutions. To ensure your success, identify realistic and specific goals, but don’t be afraid to challenge yourself. At least one or more should stretch your wildest dreams!

What values are paramount to my happiness? How can I weave those values into my life this year?
If I had to create a file for 2008 to store in my file cabinet, what label would I give it for future reference? What can I learn from this label and how does it affect my personal growth?
In what ways was 2008 good for me? Where did my life flourish? When was I the happiest? What do I want to repeat or…….leave behind?
What moments were the darkest for me in 2008? How can I avoid recreating those experiences again? What outcome did I realize from those challenges?
What am I most proud of in 2008? Did I celebrate my accomplishments? If not, when will I?

I encourage you to adopt Janus’ bifocal view and get a strong grasp of what you want to accomplish. Please contact me at Barbara@RetirementPotential.com, if you need assistance in drafting your personal list of resolutions.

Non-Traditional Gift Giving

Barbara — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:06:50 +0000

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas*, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” … Dr. Seuss

*Whatever guides your spirituality…Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza

Let’s face it. Dr. Seuss says it best with his playful yet poignant messages geared for children of all ages. This thoughtful quote is particularly appropriate as we prepare for the holidays. Yes, tis the season to buy gifts. But consider going beyond the traditional furry slippers, red tie and toy train set to support one of your favorite causes. Below are three options I found that could make your shopping list more meaningful.

1. A Gift of Time

This requires no money but rather a gift of your time. Surely someone on your list can use your help to tackle a project. Think of what skills you have that would aid another in completing some task that is too challenging for them alone. Can you help someone with their computer based on your technical expertise, can you run errands for a housebound relative, are you good at organizing a kitchen to make it more efficient or could you bake a hot loaf of bread for a favorite neighbor? Just ask if there is a project they’d like help with instead of a traditional gift. You’ll be surprised at how this gesture makes the person feel so cared for while deepening your relationship!

By the way, if you have some tasks that continue to mount or seem impossible to complete, then why not take the first step and ask your relative or friend if they’d consider helping you instead of the usual gift exchange. I know of one family, who just by asking their kids had a much-needed fence built while they were all home over the holidays. What a gift!

2. A Gift of Appreciation

Our troops have left their families, friends, jobs and school to defend our nation’s freedom around the world. I am so grateful for their service, dedication and unbelievable sacrifice. If you feel similarly, you can express your gratitude by logging onto one of the following sites and easily connect to a soldier who is celebrating their holiday far from home. The American Red Cross is a lifeline for deployed military members, supporting them in all aspects of their service on the front and when they return. If money is an issue, you can still express your gratitude. Just send a free virtual holiday card by logging on to America Supports You. Look on the sidebar for Thank the Troops. Your message will be forwarded to one of those brave soldiers who are missing their loved ones. Every word of hope and best wishes means so much, even from strangers.

3. A Gift of Charity

Changing The Present is a non-profit group that offers gifts that change the world. I am so impressed with this organization that I chose it for my gift to honor all my clients. This site has a wide variety of causes that make a difference in the world no matter what your favorite charity is. It is very simple to give this way, and they will send the recipient a card announcing your gift.

The holidays are not as much about opening our presents as they are really about opening our hearts. I hope you’ll find your way to think “outside the box”.

Giving It Away

Barbara — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:28:22 +0000

Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
….Norman MacEwan, decorated military officer and philosopher

I had the distinct pleasure of spending the weekend with my four-year-old granddaughter Meggie. As usual we played and sang, read books and took our walk to collect nature’s best leaves, rocks and such. While out we stopped in the toy store, and I asked Meggie what gift she might like? She went right to the model animals and picked out two “bootiful black horses” that magically could talk with one another! Watching her imagine the interplay between the horses and the delight with her new possessions, truly made my day. For this very small investment, both Meggie and I gained a lot of pleasure!

I’m reminded that people approaching retirement often equate their level of happiness with money. They believe if only they had “X” amount of dollars then their life would be better. True, money can be a tool to bring happiness, but it isn’t a guarantee! I bet you know people with a substantial amount of money, who feel bereft and unfulfilled in their life, as well as those with very few assets who find great abundance and happiness!

Research has shown that after one has enough money to cover the three basics….food, clothing, and shelter, there is really no assurance that more money will increase their happiness quotient. In spite of our nation’s increased wealth in the last fifty years, more money hasn’t made us happier or particularly healthier either. As a matter of fact, for some it may even have had a reverse effect by creating more stress and materialism than with previous generations.

What IS notable about happiness and money is how you spend it! Researchers at the University of British Columbia and Harvard designed studies to determine what effect money had on happiness. One study examined how employees of a particular company spent their bonuses. They observed that employees who spent all or some of their money in service to others, experienced more happiness than those who didn’t. They also found that spending as little as $5.00 a day in a pro-social way significantly increased one’s happiness. The lesson here is simple…..you increase your happiness quotient when you spend money on someone else! That’s right, when you “give it away,” you experience a greater sense of satisfaction than when you spend it on yourself.

While I am not suggesting you give away your assets, I am encouraging this… when you ponder what to buy next to lift your spirits, remember that if you give a portion of that money to someone or something else, you’ll be left with a more satisfying, longer lasting gift than those extras for yourself!

Now I’m not sure how long Meggie’s two horses will survive the rigors of a four-year-old’s world, but as for the happy feeling it generated for me…. well, it will be a long and treasured memory!

The Many Faces of Retirement in 2008

Barbara — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:09:07 +0000

The other day at a new friend’s garden party I was chatting with other guests and someone asked me what I did for a living. I said, “I’m a retirement coach,” and they were thoroughly puzzled. “What is that?” they asked. When I responded that I help people plan their retirement from a lifestyle point of view, they quickly piped in and said, “I never intend to retire or at least not retire for a very long time!” Another answered, “I am not going to do anything when I retire. Nope, no plans for me! I just want to hang out!”

Well, retirement today can have many faces. You can call it anyway you want: work, not work, volunteer, travel, family, mentor, or a whole other career. It is your canvas to paint as you like. But this is certain, no matter what your choice you must give thought to how this plays out. If left unexamined, the expected life span of an additional 15, 20, or even 30 years is a very long time to go idly by.

I get calls from people who think a meandering retirement is what they want, but then they find out that life isn’t that fulfilling when you are just coasting along. You loose a sense of purpose and each day is like the one before. This clueless group flounders from one thing to another, searching for their right formula to bring happiness, satisfaction and meaning. The “face” of their retirement is formless and shallow. On the other hand, I have clients, who become crystal clear about their retirement and how they want to spend this life phase. For these folks, who take the time to carefully plan their retirement years, working or not, their future reaps rich, specific and ideal rewards!

Enjoy each day,

Barbara

A Tribute to Tim Russert

Barbara — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:48:13 +0000

“Go get ‘em, kid” … Tim Russert

I’ve lost a great friend! I suppose many of you, like I, feel the loss of Tim Russert, who died suddenly last Friday at age 58. Over the weekend I immersed myself in the media coverage of his life and the legend he is leaving behind. His loss feels so personal to me. Perhaps because on Sunday morning part of my weekly ritual was to watch him moderate Meet the Press, usually before I got out of bed and started my day. He was like a friend visiting my home bringing with him the week’s newsworthy events. He was my “political” coach and guide.

My reaction is beyond what I would have imagined over the loss of a TV celebrity. Why has his death had such an overwhelming impact on me? Perhaps it was because Tim possessed qualities that engendered a feeling of connection, warmth, truth and trust! His smile and genuineness beckoned feelings of closeness and warmth. No matter how tough his guests were, Tim was a gentleman, fair, to the point and authentic. He got the job done with great skill, hard work and always remained professional. It was clear he loved his job, his family, and the American people. Tim’s vitality is inspiring and his ability to navigate the wide political spectrum, a tribute to his character.

I will never approach the greatness of Tim Russert, but I do hope one day when people remember me, that some of his same qualities will cross their minds. I yearn to reach what can be my fullest potential. I see every day as an opportunity for me to tweak and adjust my life to its utmost. But to do this I need to be aware of those areas where I can still stretch and grow. Tim Russert, thank you. You’ve inspired me to…go get ‘em, kid!