rezwriting

If I only knew then...

2011-01-28T09:36:00.000-08:00

I was having lunch with an old friend a few weeks ago. Nothing fancy just mighty taco. We were sitting at a small table catching up with each other. It is sometimes hard to carve out time for friends when both of our lives are so hectic, so we hadn’t see each other face to face for months. We both do face book but it is always nice to be able to talk. For me it has not been the usual schedule of work, work, work, since my car accident on 10/19/10. Instead it is going from doctor appt to the chiropractor, acupuncturist and massage therapy appointments that keep me running. That and being a full-time mom with three children who are involved in basketball, wrestling, and hockey really keep me stepping.

As we were visiting and lingering over our diet Pepsi I noticed a well dressed woman come in with a baby in a car seat. She was striking in that well tended, immaculately dressed, manicured, coiffed way that speaks affluence to me. She ordered her food and then was on her way to set her baby down with a friend who was already waiting for her at a table near us. In route to her table she stopped at ours as she was a friend of my friend and wanted to say hello and let her get a peak at her new bundle of joy.

Like most people do when they see someone that haven’t seen for a while they were also catching up. The new mom reached into her bag to get out a paper and pen in order to give her number to my friend, and in doing so she grabbed a receipt that was within reach in her oversized bag. As she was writing I could see where it was from and what it was for and was awestruck. It was from a store that had delivered and installed five (5) car seats. These infant car seats were priced at $260 each and throw in the delivery and installation charge and the bill was, well up there.

She had a beautiful little pink bundle all wrapped up against the elements with one of those elasticized covers over the entire seat. So all I could really see was the little pink face through the opening that was held up by some Velcro. The new mom wrote her name and phone number on the invoice and gave it to her friend and said the usual “let’s do lunch soon.” Never mind that she was interrupting our lunch but that is one of the advantages of getting out of the house and going to meet friends for a bite to eat, you sometimes see other friends as well.

Have you ever had a moment where you see something that is almost like a trigger for your emotions? For whatever reason seeing this newborn in her car seat was definitely that for me. It struck me so hard that I almost felt nauseous sitting there waiting for their quick little chat to end. In that relatively short span of time my mind went somewhere else.

I thought about the day that I left the hospital with my first born son. I was in a hospital in Hamilton, Ontario away from my immediate family. Back then it had just recently become a law that you had to have a car seat in order to leave the hospital with your baby. No car seat, no baby until you came back with one. Luckily for us there was a programme in the hospital that offered car seats at the subsidized price of $15.00. It was one of those rears facing jobs that looked like an egg that had been cut in half on an angle and flattened a bit on the bottom. Since then there have been some obvious design changes.

I remember my husband coming to pick me up for the ride back to our apartment in Brantford, Ontario. We had recently moved into a two-bedroom apartment on the third floor in an apartment complex on Grey Street. The nursery consisted of a crib I had gotten from my cousin and a dresser that I bought at the Salvation Army that also handled the duties of a change table as well. I had sewn the comforter, and curtains myself. I don’t think there were even bumper pads back then like there is now.

We had only one car and therefore only needed on car seat. Soon after I arrived home from the hospital to begin my new life as a mother things shifted somewhat in our marriage. My husband was not really ready to be a father. We had been married for three years and life was good up until that point. He began to go out after work. Our son was only weeks old when one weekend he didn’t come home at all. He had gone to work on a Friday morning and didn’t find his way home. By Saturday night he had not called me and I was both scared, and bewildered. I had called all his friends and family but couldn’t locate him. On Sunday morning I had one diaper left so I bundled my new bundle of joy, and he was such a beautiful blue l bundle as I put him in his buggy and walked a dozen blocks or so to Zellers in order to get him a small bag of diapers.

He was born in April so that day it was quite cold out, bitter, arctic cold. I barely had enough money to buy the diapers so calling a cab was out of the question. Calling my family was not really an option either mainly because of the embarrassment that would have caused. I would have to explain why I had no husband there to send to store, why I had no car to use to go to the store. So my pride being what it was then didn’t allow me to humble myself enough to make a call for help. I just bundled him and myself up and walked to the store and back that cold Sunday morning.

I think that when we purchased the buggy I envisioned idyllic walks to the park, walks around the block, using it at the Indian picnic and Border Crossing to show off my beautiful boy. While buying the stroller it never crossed my mind that I would have to use it in the middle of winter pushing it thorough snow drifts just to get something as basic as diapers. Lucky for him and for me I nursed him so I didn’t have to worry about getting baby formula too. If only I knew then what I know now.

Later that Sunday night or more like early Monday morning my husband finally came home. He was drunk and reeked of alcohol. I didn’t hear him come in the apartment as I had fallen asleep on the couch waiting to hear anything from him or about him. What woke me up was a punch to my face that he delivered as he began to berate me an accuse me of running around on him. I jumped up and tried to get out of range of his rage and his fists. I went into our son’s room as he was crying then from all the commotion he was hearing. I picked him up and my husband followed me into the room and hit me again so hard that I fell in the hallway holding our son in my arms. I was stupefied trying to figure out how the situation had escalated to this point. My forehead was cut and was bleeding. I went into the bathroom at the end of the hall and locked the door. I got toilet tissues and pressed it against the wound. To settle my son down I nursed him as I sat on the toilet applying pressure to the gash on my face. My husband kept pounding on the door but I didn’t come out.

Someone in the complex must have called the police because they were soon banging on our door. The first of a few visits they paid us while we lived in that apartment complex. They took him out of the apartment for a few hours but eventually returned with him. He passed out in the bedroom but somehow was able to get up and make it to work that morning.

It was this incident that ran quickly and lucidly through my mind as I sat in Mighty Taco with my old friend. She was concluding her chat with her friend as I returned to the present. I wanted to cry, I felt that tightness that comes before you breakdown and I just kept swallowing, swallowing my long suppressed grief and rage at my ex-husband for all the abuse I had suffered at his hand. Some much of it I still don’t want to think of but weighs on my mind and body as if I was carrying it around behind me in a large garbage bag over my shoulder, make that two garbage bags full of pain and misery. It is way past time to let that all go, to leave it in the past and to move forward.

My friend knew that something was wrong but it was neither the time nor the place to discuss something so personal with her. I couldn’t trust myself to even begin remembering it aloud with her. The pain was too present and I wasn’t ready to voice it. We finished our visit and made our promises to each other to keep in touch and set up another lunch date for a couple months down the road. Only after I got home was I able to revisit that memory and process it piece by piece.

I think that the thought of someone who has perhaps five different vehicles and probably never will have to take her baby out into the cold like I had to that cold April day over two decades ago ; just brought the day to the forefront of my brain. It brought back the isolation I felt that day and how in a moment of clarity that day I saw that my life had to change in order to get my needs and my son’s needs met.

My son is 28 years old this April. He is soon going to be a father himself this year and I wish for him only that he will have the ability to be the parent that his father was never able to be to him.

THINGS I DIDN’T KNOW THEN ABOUT…Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.

Emotional abuse
Being insulted, intimidated, humiliated or isolated are some of the more hidden signals that a relationship may be abusive. Abusers often maintain power over their partners through behaviors that lower their partner's self-esteem and make them feel helpless. Abusers may use both emotional and physical abuse to exert control. Even if it does not leave scars that you can see, emotional abuse can cause serious harm. Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem can be lasting consequences of abuse.

Physical abuse
Being slapped, kicked, punched, pushed or choked are more obvious, physical signs that a relationship is abusive. Bruises, scratches, welts, cuts, broken bones and abrasions may result, but abusers may consciously hurt victims in ways that avoid detection by the casual observer.

Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse can include a wide range of forced or unwanted sexual activity, including touching and suggestive or offensive comments. Being forced to have sex against your will is rape, even if the perpetrator is your partner

Financial abuse
Being denied access to money is a more subtle sign of abuse. Taking paychecks and withholding bill payments are a few examples of economic abuse. This leads to financial dependence on the abuser, an effective method of power and control.

Someday

2011-01-11T06:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I heard the craziest, scariest thing I ever heard. My friend, who shall remain nameless, told me about her dream of long ago. She said that she remembers being at her grandmother’s house in Six Nations. She said that when she woke up she had dreamt about her gram’s sister, lying in a casket all dressed up. She then went downstairs and told her grandma about her dream and her gram just said “don’t worry it was only a bad dream”. But my friend said that within two weeks of that dream she was at her great aunt’s funeral and her aunt was dressed exactly as she had seen her in the dream.

This event frightened my friend so much that she locked it way until just recently when she had another dream just like it. I knew that occasionally she would smell flowers and then find out that someone she knew and/or loved would die soon thereafter. I never knew that she had such vivid dreams that would foretell a death.

This same friend said recently that when she was leaving her acupuncturist a few weeks ago, she turned as she was leaving and told the acupuncturist that she should call her brother Richard. My friend doesn’t know the acupuncturist personally but this name just came to mind with the thought that something was wrong. And bizarre thing, the acupuncturist said she had a brother and he has been having problems lately.
I’ve always believed in God and believe that he has ministering spirits who are put here to help us daily in our lives. It just comes as a surprise to me that my friend is so open and receptive to these spirits. To me it is an intimidating ability to have. I think one that I would try to lock away and ignore, but then again it must have been given to her for a reason. I just don’t seem to have the capacity to understand that rationale at this juncture in my life. In I Corinthians 13:12 it states: For now we see thorough a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

To me this means that this life that we are living is a mystery to us, we don’t always see things clearly or understand the how and why of events as they unfurl themselves before us. But some day we will. Until then I will just try to live my life to the best of my ability without trying to overanalyze everything. Someday I will understand.

Now that you're gone...

2011-01-09T06:26:00.000-08:00

My heart is breaking for my BFF, who also happens to be my niece. I think about her still as the young, vibrant, voluptuous, tough as nails woman who played volleyball, basketball, and swam a mean butterfly on our high school swim team. My mind goes back and forth often as I can still picture her in her aerodynamic swim suit as she is powering through a 100 m butterfly race or as she is setting a ball with her beautiful hands for the spiker to slam it down on our opposing team.

Then I see her as the mother she has become to four gorgeous grown children, the grandmother she is to four sweet grandbabies. It is hard to believe that we are that old, that time has passed so quickly it seems. In my mind’s eye I still see us both as girls, tittering away the nights on the phone. Talking together during and after practice, or our way to college together, as we talk about our hopes, our dreams, our plans, and our latest crush.

Flashbacks are usually kinder and gentler ways of remembering about the journey along the way that has brought us here to who we have become. The reality of what our life is now is sometimes not so kind and gentle. For my favorite niece life resembles a nightmare right now and that is why my heart hurts for her. Her marriage of over 25 years is ending, her husband has been served.

On my reservations sometimes when people are in a relationship for years their names become synonymous with one another’s and in some cases their identities become so entwined in one another that it changes their name. There is a woman who to this day I still think of as “Pat-Mike”, people refer to her that way often, yet she has not been “Pat-Mike” since two marriages and over 50 years ago. She has now been widowed twice. My own brother’s wife is referred to as “Khrissy-Duck “because his name is Donald and they have been married for over twenty years.

Tess never became “Tessy-Joe” but it their names were always intertwined, if I heard mention of one I would always think of the other as well. They had been together since we were in high school. He was the love of her life. But time has a way of changing people as they grow older their emotions change, their beliefs, and sometimes their love slips away, dissipates, loses its hold on them.

I’ve heard it said that one can easily walk away from the man who has done one wrong, it isn’t easy and definitely not a pain free process. It is the marriage that is harder to end. A marriage that at one time meant everything to that young, beautiful couple in love. As time erodes that love and erases that commitment to one another it ends the credence in the marriage itself. It is only when the credibility and confidence in the nuptials are gone that the acceptance hits. The knowledge that it is over can be like an epiphany or like a death. It all depends on how you see it and in what direction you want your life to move.

I went through a divorce myself quite a while ago. It hurt down to my core, I felt I was to blame I was the failure, because that is what he wanted me to believe. Instead I took that time of loss and grief and used it as a jumping off point to a better me, a stronger smarter me. I hope for you that you can do the same.

We may never pass this way again

Like the twilight in the road up ahead
They don't see just where we're goin'
And all the secrets in the universe
Whisper in our ears
All the years that come and go
Take us up, always up

{Refrain}
We may never pass this way again (4x)

Girls rule, boys drool...or i love being a mom

2011-01-08T04:57:00.000-08:00

My thirteen- year-old daughter had her first sleep over last night. She invited three of her BFFs from her basketball team to come and spend the night with her in her slightly messy room. They arrived a little after 9 pm because Jess had a late hockey practice in Cheektowaga. This after I picked her up at 4 pm from her basketball practice. Originally she only tried out for the team because her BFFs were trying out too.

I really didn’t know what to expect other than knowing that girls laugh a LOT. As well as being imbued with the ability to talk incessantly about anything and everything. They were still awake at 1:00 am and I could hear them laughing and running up and down the stairs. I heard the bathroom door close every time one of them had exceeded their intake limit of pop. They came with bags of chips and other snacks, their reinforcements for a night of hilarity. The sugar and caffeine from the pop and general childish inanity that goes with being with friends had them fueled for a long night of merriment. No shenanigans were to be had just crazy fun with their BFFs.

Jess had spent many a night at their homes but there always seemed to be a reluctance either for Jess to invite them here, or perhaps on the part of the parents to let them stay. Jess has three older brothers and for some parents whose job it is to protect their children, this house full of older male siblings seemed like a gamble they weren’t ready to take with their daughters. Being a social worker who has worked with high risk families, with pregnant teens or parenting teens I could well understand their underlying fears. I think though that having three girls come over en mass somewhat lessened their fears to the point of manageability.

I was watching the news last night and there was an Amber alert out for a three- year- old boy, still a baby in my eyes, that some young mother had let get in a car and go with someone she knew only by Chris. The mother stated that Chris was only going to do some errands but after three hours elapsed with no sign of her very young son she called the police. Now that my friends is one mother who was either higher than a kite, was jonesing, and/or had lost her ability to think logically and reason things out, thereby losing the protective factors necessary to keep her son safe. Or perhaps someone who never really understood what it was to be loved, cherished by her own parents and thereby didn’t know how to protect her son from predators. Either way her young son was finally located in Rochester, NY and they were reunited. She may be charged with something like neglect or endangering the welfare of a minor for allowing her baby to go unescorted with a man she barely knew. I think maybe that isn’t enough to shelter this baby from harm but what other options are there, short from taking him from his mother, not always the best option either.

Shield, defend, guard, watch over, these are all things we as parents are charged with as well as to love, adore, raise, educate, and see our children as jewels in our crown of life. We are almost like sentries or sentinels who patrol the periphery of their lives to keep them safe from all harm. There are times when we can’t keep them safe, we can’t wrap them in bubble wrap, they have to live their lives too and sometimes they get hurt physically, emotionally, and sometimes mentally. We as parents do the best we can using what we know from our own parents, our own upbringing or from things we have learned during our own journey through this thing we call life.

The gender things comes into play here. We tend to think about our girls as fragile and delicate as flowers and we want to keep them safe far longer than our sons. I love that one cartoon character that was created by a T-shirt company in Florida, David and Goliath. It is a bit controversial in some circles but for me it embodies the way I wish my girlie saw boys till she was at least thirty.

I do have to mention that my girl is no shrinking violet, her brothers run from her because she is as rough and tough as them, if not more so. At her last basketball game she had a foul or two; at the last hockey game she played in she was in the penalty box three times. She plays defense and she protects her house like a bastard. (My favorite saying). In lacrosse if the ball goes in the corner she comes out with it nine times out of ten. My girl takes no guff and to me that is a good thing. My sisters say to me all the time “you plant corn, you get corn” as a metaphor for my life. I had five brothers, one was a year younger and one a year older. They were tough and I was tougher, I never let them make me cry if we fought. My feet were always firmly planted on the ground and I wouldn’t budge an inch, if I didn’t want too. I love my favorite daughter as much as I do my three sons and like Bruno Mars sings “I would catch a grenade for you” that is what you do for someone you love with all your heart, unconditionally, forever and ever.

This morning I will go down and cook the girls, and the boys, breakfast and then Jess is off to a basketball practice and two hockey games today and the boys to wrestling practice. GO REGALS!!! GO FALCONS!! I love being a lacrosse, hockey, wrestling, and now a basketball mom.

PS i just did a fb chat with my friend 2 let her know i blogged. she said she saw it and would read it later but first she had to get her kids to stop killing each other LOL. i replied i know what u mean i have days like that daily bahahahaha

Happy 60th Birthday to Vera Jane

2011-01-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

This past weekend we all traveled up to Six Nations to attend a surprise birthday party for my older sister VJQ. She turned 60 on January 2nd. Trying to keep a big venture like an intimate gathering for 50-60 people secret isn’t an easy undertaking. Doing all the organizing on the down low was a lot easier with the utilization of Facebook (fb). My niece, Vanessa was able to send out her original idea back in October to everyone involved, her brother Vinton and all her aunts. From that point everyone was able to add their input and volunteer to do something to make her big day memorable.

My contribution was to put together a Power Point slide show with pictures of all her friends and family members through the years. I was able again to employ fb to gather pictures of VJQ and her children, and extended family. After working on this labor of love for my sister I ended with 99 slides and many pictures of my parents and grandparents I had never seen before. It is always fun to look at old pictures that captures your likeness in a moment in time whether you are in your “Sunday go to meeting” finery or maybe in your underwear. It is all there in glorious Technicolor or black and white depending on how old the picture is. I have to admit I love pictures, who doesn’t? I love the way people laugh at their baby pictures, no matter their age. The way everyone says “OMG look how skinny I was then.” It is a walk down memory lane that never disappoints, unless of course it is a really bad picture that is not flattering to the viewer. Everyone else usually gets a good laugh regardless.

Listening to the morning news as I write this the announcer mentioned that Hugh Hefner is engaged to a 24 year old woman, one who said she doesn’t see the age difference. He then said she probably can’t tell the difference between a grape and a raisin. Age is a big definer. One some people try desperately to fight against. Getting a little long in the tooth is not something people want to admit to. Sometimes some people may long for those “glory days” when we were 50 pounds thinner, our hair was thicker, our face was smoother, we could get out of bed with a spring in our step and shake our junk so hard with no painful after effects. Hence the big cosmetic surgery industry. Nancy Pelosi on the TV with nary a wrinkly fold in her forehead, a crow’s foot, or turkey neck in sight. Ah, the wonders a scalpel and Botox can achieve, or the opposite, think Kenny Rodgers.

I think more importantly when people yearn for their youth they yearn for a time when things were uncomplicated, when there wasn’t as much stress to deal with, a “do over”. Many people have some regrets that they carry around with themselves, every day like a full garbage bag of slights, hurts, doubts, and they secretly wish for a “do over”, an “if only…” Those are the people who are not happy as they age. But for others, especially mothers and grandmothers, the joy they find in their families love offsets any reluctance to age that they could possibly have. Families are the cornerstone of love and society, in my mind anyways.

The best part of VJQs party was seeing people who at one time where a very important part of her life but because of the bizyness of life she hasn’t seen for weeks or months, maybe even years. It was such a delight to be able to touch base with old friends, to play catch up and find out what everyone else has been doing. To hear about grown children, grand children, jobs, loves, losses. Life goes on for everyone whether they are an integral part of your day or one you try to keep up with now on fb. It is these connections that enrich our lives.

The other part of her birthday I enjoyed was remembering all those who are no longer with us. Seeing all their pictures up on that screen warmed the cockles of my heart which in turn rekindled memories of those in attendance. The PowerPoint slides were like a process of remembering people, events, stories which in turn brought stories bubbling to the forefront of everyone’s mind. It was this act that allowed stories to flow freely and these shared experiences then allowed the young people there to learn more about VJQs life and about our connections. Winter time is traditionally a time of storytelling, which teaches us skills and passes along beliefs we may need to draw upon in our life, or just helps us to remember those who have gone before us.

Peg or maybe it was Bean brought a box of small cards that were put on every table. These were called “Wishes”. The intent was for everyone to write on their card their wishes for VJQs upcoming year. These were read and for the most part they were all wishing her happiness, and continued good health in the coming year. Some wished for her a new man with a “big one” and $$ to go with him. This of course then brought about more storytelling and hilarity. It was a wonderful day and it leaves me hoping for a 70th birthday gala to again reconnect with friends and family.

This new year brings opportunities for new beginnings and another fabulous event I am looking forward. Ness and her beloved with be exchanging vows this year. :) <3 <3 This will again bring together our clan and well as his for more connections and storytelling.

Nya:weh to Ness and Daniel for all their hard work and determination in keeping VJQs birthday a secret. <3 u!

Happy New Year!!

Muscle Cars

2010-07-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

My father and brothers were all gifted with the ability to repair cars no matter how old they were or what was wrong with them mechanically. They could fix them up in no time and have them sounding good as new, sometimes with a little tweaking here and new headers there, better then new.

Because my dad had a garage behind our house that was always filled with someone’s 1972 Olds Cutlass Hurst, 1969 Chevy Nova SS, or Plymouth Fury Sport to this day I am able to identify an older model car’s make, model, and year at a glance. This ability seemed to impress people but seemed like nothing to me, I thought everyone was able to identify a 1970 Mercury Cougar with a 357 Cleveland engine at ten paces. But apparently not everyone can, it might be considered an acquired skill. Although I was never interested in getting my hands under the hood I did like to look there. It was interesting to see the different engine sizes and hear the car run smoothly after a tune-up or the installation of some headers or glass mufflers to a muscle car like a 1974 Plymouth Barracuda with dual exhaust, or maybe a 1968 Chevy El Camino.

Since the age of twelve or thirteen I could drive a standard and loved to drive my brother Dave’s 1971 Ford Mustang with a three-speed transmission through the woods, unbeknownst to my brother I would take it when he was at work and my mom wasn’t home. One time when we were visiting my gram in Six Nations , Dave had gone somewhere with my other brother Wayne Clair and left the Mustang in the drive, the maroon mustang was always calling my name, or so it seemed to me.

My cousin, Didder, and I thought it would be cool to take it for a ride around the Rez. I got to Thomas’ Corner and thought it would be really hip if I did a donut in the middle of the corner. I had done donuts many times in the middle of fields back home and figured it would be no problem, but spinning in circles in a huge open field is much different than doing a donut in the middle of the road , it wasn’t that simple. I ended up flying backward into the ditch, and then the car stalled. It took a while to get it restarted because in my haste to get out of the ditch I flooded the carburetor. I had to wait a while in order to get it started and thought for sure either Dave or my mother would drive by and catch me red-handed and red-faced. I was so glad to finally get the car started but even so it was a bit tricky for me to keep it going as I attempted to rock the car out of the ditch. My cousin wasn’t too pleased with me when I made her get out and push us out of the ditch. Her shoes and legs were all covered in mud from all her exertions and the spinning of the tires. We got enough momentum going to escape the ditch and we made it home before anyone knew we were even gone, or so I thought.

Living on a small Rez doesn’t’ really afford anyone much privacy or anonymity. Everyone knows everyone else, their mother, father, grandparents and all their business. I thought that I had really pulled one over on all parties concerned but not so, by the end of the day both my mother and brother had gotten phone calls about Didder and I being stuck in the ditch up at Thomas’ Corner.

That ended my joy riding in Dave’s mustang after that I think he must have installed a kill switch somewhere because I never could get it started again, with or without the key. My mom wasn’t too happy with my antics either and I got a damn good lickin’ with a switch I had to go and get off the tree myself, a red willow switch. Either way, after that day I limited my joy riding to one of the jalopies out back they were easy to start by touching the right two wires together and I stayed off the road. It was a breeze to get around the Rez through the various trails that wove through the woods, although most of the time I didn’t have a destination in mind I just liked to drive around and do a few donuts out in the fields by myself, relishing that sense of freedom a car, or an old jalopy, could provide me.

To this day I prefer to drive a standard to an automatic transmission, and nothing gives me greater joy than to follow someone driving a 1969 Chevy Malibu SS and hearing the deep rumbling of the engine, and the headers as they lay some rubber. That noise resonates within me and brings back the memories of the old garage behind my old homestead, and the feeling of pure delight that I always got from fast, loud cars. Not loud cars that go boom, but cars with big engines that go VROOM.

A Gift: Remember When

2010-07-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up suddenly, aware of a light shining directly in my face. This is such a shock because I am sitting in the driver’s seat of my black 1997 Ford Escort at a stop sign. I must have passed out or worse been in a black out because I have no recollection of how I came to be slumped over the steering wheel, unconscious. Now as I look towards the light I heard a male voice saying “hey, hey wake up, are you alright?” I look up and see through the front windshield the stop sign, then the street sign that reads Cockshutt Road and Sour Springs Road. Across the street I could see Derris’ Sunoco station. I know exactly where I am, the question that is blaring inside my mind was how did I get here? HOW?

A horrible realization is coming into my psyche; I am drunk, I can smell the alcohol on my own breath as I put my head down in both shock and disappointment. How could this have happened, to me, sober for over twenty years? Disillusion, panic, dismay, and frustration were all feelings that suddenly entered my thought process, as subdued and muted as it is at the moment.

My door opened and I looked down and could clearly see the black pavement, a small circle lit by the flashlight being held, and the small gravel that lay on the road. Then I saw a rather large, probably size 12, black leather shoe there and looking up I see a blue stripe on the side of his black slacks and as my eyes travel further upward I see a gun holstered. He asks “Have you been drinking? Step out of the car?” I am so filled with disbelief that I cannot move, cannot fathom that this is real. All that is going through my mind is “how did this happen?” In less than a month I am set to graduate from University with a graduate degree, a job in the court system awaits me. This can’t be. I can’t be arrested for DWI; I’ve come so far and have so much to lose.

Instead of getting out of the car as his directive urges me; a thought, no a clearly discernable voice in my head says: “run.” So I do, I slam the door put the car in first gear, let out the clutch quickly as I gas it and turn right. At the first road I turn right again and am headed back towards the Six Nations Reserve. I drive faster and faster as I see the flashing lights coming behind me in my rearview mirror. I know where I can lose him I turn off my lights and know that a side road is coming up I turn down the road and quickly turn into a laneway. There are many cars parked there and they line the road in both directions. I jump out of my car and run towards the house, I’ve lost him, relief floods through me.

As I knock on the door I know where I am, I don’t wait for someone to say come in or to open the door, and I just walk in. The house is immediately familiar, my Grandmother Vera is there, as is my Aunt Spence, the house is filled with people laughing and eating. Although I know where I am I feel confused and eerily think to myself that this can’t be real because I know both my Gram and my Auntie have been dead for years. How did I find this place? I ask my Grandmother to help me; I tell her what has happened and feel shame and embarrassment in the telling and can feel the heat travel up into my face. She calls my Auntie over and we go to the door. She comforts me and promises that she will help me and we will work this all out. I wonder how it can be so.

As we leave the house I look up and down the road first and then I follow her down the steps and out to a car, her car? I can’t be sure but she gets in the passenger seat and my Auntie steps around me to get into the driver’s seat. Suddenly a large white dog is in front of me as I try to get into the back seat, its large teeth showing as it snarls and snaps at me. My Gram gets out quickly and steps between us, she opens the back door and pushes me to get in. As the door closes and she gets back in I am still wondering how this can be. My heart is pounding; sweat has dampened the back of my neck.

I wake up suddenly and am so filled with relief that it is only a dream. My heart is still pounding and my nightgown is damp with my own sweat.

Darien Lake in the 90s

2010-07-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

I was treading water today in the wave pool at Darien Lake, all my children around me waiting for the next round of waves to start up. It made me so happy to see all of them laughing and smiling as they bobbed up and down when the waves started anew. The thought just ran through my head, this is what life is about. Their laughter was music to my ears and being in the water weightless just added to my feeling of being serene.

This morning as I was lying in my bed, the air conditioner already humming away i began to think about the hour drive there to Darien, and the weather forecast calling for sun and highs in the 90s I almost wanted to rethink our excursion today. That coupled with it was a day off for a lot of people besides me, the ride lines might be long, the kids would probably fight in the backseat all the way there and back, I could get sick from the heat and the sun like I have in the past. But in the end i threw off that old wet blanket that wanted to keep my home in front of the AC and said "OK everyone, get the lead out, get your suits on, and lets get on the road, we're burning daylight."

We packed some snacks and cold drinks in a cooler, I knew I was really gonnna need that ice cold gatorade today. i didn't plan on letting the heat and humidity get the best of me today. When we got the the park I was first disappointed, then i was pissed that they would not let us bring our cooler into the park. I know it is all about commericalism, and i didn't want to pay $5 for a gatorade at the park that I paid less than $1 for at Tops and packed in ice. I think I had Fantasy Island on my brain and I was imagining parking our cooler in the pavilion outside the water park. A senile moment if there ever was one. Jordan and Dylan took the cooler and the goodies back out to the car while we waited just inside the gate. OMG the heat was atrocious. I went in the ladies washroom and took off my top and put it in the sink and turned on the cold water. I put it back on and came out to wait some more and Jessie asked me if i fell in. I said i was just trying to keep cool, anyway I can.

The boys came back into the park and we started walking up the main avenue lined by all kinds of high priced shops and boutiques. My only thought was to get to the water park, my sanctuary from the sun. None of my children were ready for that first thing out of the gate. So they headed off down towards the viper, boomerang, mind eraser, predator, ride of steel, skycoaster, twister, ufo, and whatever else they could ride that would thrill them. I have no desire to get thrilled on those thrill rides, because instead of getting thrilled, I only get sick. First it starts with a bit of a quesy stomach feeling and progresses rapidly to a head ache and sometimes ends with me yaking in the bathroom. That is why i try to keep hydrated with gatorade, water just doesn't do it for me. I need cold, cold gatorade or powerade to keep me functioning.

I went into the new Splashtown Waterpark and was instantly aghast because Hooks Lagoon was closed. I like to stand in the knee deep water and get drenched underneath the big bucket that tips over onto the waders down below. Instead the lifeguards wouldn't even let me put my big toe in the water. I then headed over to the wave pool and it looked like all of Western New York was already there in the water and on the peripehery. There was not one chaise lounge to be had. I walked into the water and then swam out to the deep end and floated around for a bit until the waves started. I love laying there with my ears submerged beneath the water so that I can't hear everyone screaming around me, it feels so freeing and like i am alone.

After getting out of the water I then walked back to Hook's Lagoon and got one of the empty chaise lounges from there and pulled it into the shade near the wave pool. After lying there for a while, maybe even having a 15-45 minute cap nap, i can't be sure how long it was because I didn't have a watch or a phone with me. I realized that all the tickets were in my purse in the locker I had to rent for $11. I got up and went into the wave pool again making sure i was thoroughly soaked, had cooled my core temperature down and then I went out of the water park to find a shady spot nearby the entry way to wait for my offspring to finally get hot enough to want to get wet.

I waited there for another 15-45 minute spell, and again am pretty sure I probably fell asleep for a bit because of the drool on my cheek when when I woke up and spotted Justin's orange Syracuse T-shirt coming towards me. They had had enough fun on the dry rides and now wanted to try out the wet ones. I gave them each their tickets to the water park and we headed in there so that they could cool down and we could get a break from mean old Mr. Sun. That was when I had my moment of epiphany with them all swimming and laughing nearby, their smiles made brighter by the sun gleaming off the water. After a few rounds of waves they again took their leave to go and ride more rides and I stayed in the water park.

They came back after a while and again i had been swimming in the wave pool near the wall. I traded water, i floated on my back, i swam back and forth doing the breast stroke and the crawl and i was cool. I looked towards the shallow end and it seemed that there was an invisible line that keep all the swimmers within that shallow end. They looked like birds all jumping in place, pushing, and shoving each other occasionally jumping on each other's backs. Not too many came out to the deep end even though it was only 6' deep, which was fine with me. I could swim with no one in my way, no one inadvertently slapping me or bumping into me. It was a relaxing day with all of the populace of Western NY within my personal space.

They said they had enough fun and were now ready to head home. We each gathered up all our assorted pieces of clothing and towels, flip-flops and bags. Went to the locker and got the rest of our stored belongings and said adieu to the park and headed home. I looked at them all and they were all a little bit browner, Jessie a lot redder and they were tired and hungry, everyone ready to call it a day well spent in the sun.
Happy 4th of July to all, and to all a night free of sunburn pain.

BTW, yes they did fight all the way there and all the way back, yes it was crowded, yes the lines were long, and yes it was hot and sticky all day, not a cloud in the sky. I didn't get sick and we all had tons of fun.

Rez beat down

2010-07-04T05:17:00.000-07:00

Just like that it was fall again, and the weather had been dry and warm, just right, you might even say that a beautiful “Indian Summer” was upon us. We are all back in school and that anticipation, or was it early onset anxiety, of what classes I would be in, what teachers I would have; who would sit next to me was over. It was back to the same routine and life felt good, structured, centered again. I was in eighth grade and my cousin Karla Rose was in ninth she had moved on to the high school she was now the minnow in the big pond and I had become the big fish in the little pond that was Edward Town Middle school. We were back to waiting on the weekend to take it easy and spend time again with my friends/cousins.

There was a large walnut tree and a hickory tree on the side of my homestead close to the old gymnasium. Not only had most of the leaves fallen off and lay on the ground around the base of the trees, all dried up and russet around the edges but all the nuts had fallen to the ground as well. We collected them and piled them into two large mounds under the tree. Then we got a couple large flat rocks, probably pulled off the rock pile that was just outside of the range of the lawnmower at the backside of the yard. We had to remember to put them back when we were done or the lawnmower may be done as well when someone ran over these same rocks. I went into Dad’s garage knowing exactly what we needed to crack all those shells. I loved the smell of the garage, oil, hard work overlaid with gasoline; it smelled like Dad did after working on cars all day.

There was a claw hammer, a ball pein, a club hammer, and a sledge hammer which I knew would be too large and unweilding for us girls but the boys liked to use it; although when using the sledge hammer there wasn’t much left of the shattered nut to eat. We had to remember to put these hammers back where we got them from when we were done or we would catch hell from Dad, he hated anyone touching his tools and especially not being able to find a tool when he needed it. We sat in a circle around our respective rocks and started cracking the nuts, we all had different ways of eating the nuts, some would pick out the meat of the nut and put it in a pile and wait until they had a good sized handful or two before they ate some. Others would eat each nut immediately after they cracked it open.

The walnuts smelled so good all encased in the rough green covering, you had to first get the green coating off before you could get down to the business of cracking the shell. You could tell who had participated in this annual nut eating frenzy by the stains on our hands and all around our mouth from the walnuts. After a while all the nuts were eaten and we got this brilliant idea, albeit belatedly, that we should have saved some to put in some banana bread or maybe some cookies. Karla Rose and I decided that we should all walk down to the Tuscarora school less then a mile down the road, uphill both ways, and collect the hickory nuts from under the tree on the far side of the school by the parking lot. No one else felt like going with us so we set out together with a bag each to bring home our anticipated bounty.

We had no thoughts about our safety, nothing ever happened on the Rez. As we walked we talked easily about our favorite new shows Happy Days, Chico and the Man, (she thought Freddie Prinze was kinda cute), Emergency! (Randolph Mantooth, ditto), McCloud, Rhoda, Columbo; and our not so favorite shows Little House on the Prairie, Kung Fu, The Odd Couple, The Waltons. By the time we finished discussing the shows we were already at the school.

I can still remember what I was wearing that day, blue jeans that were low cut with bell bottoms and a flowery blouse that had poufy cap sleeves and buttoned down the front and tan Bastad clogs. The reason I can remember my clothing to this day is because of the impending violence that was to put an end to our gathering. As Karla Rose and I were busily picking up hickory nuts and trying to fill our sacks we were not aware of anything amiss. If this memory were one of those Halloween movies that scary music would queue up now. I noticed out of the corner of my eye a horse coming down Walmore Road, whoever was on it rode through the picnic grove, across the bridge and towards the school. It was a smallish horse, more of a pony than a horse, mostly white with circular chestnut colored markings all over it. There were two riders on the pony and as they got closer I turned my head to look to see who it was atop the pony. I also heard and then saw a motorbike coming towards up from further back still in the picnic grove. All of a sudden they were upon us and surrounding us asking “What are you two doing, what are you gonna do with all those nuts, where are your brothers?" Karla Rose’s two brothers were babies still; my brothers were older than me, so I knew they meant my brothers.

We weren’t scared, at first, because we knew them all, Markie Porter who lived three houses away from me and kitty-corner from Karla, Ellis Martin from Upper Mountain Road, a fair distance, and Fritzie Crogan who was related to us both through marriage, his grandfather was our uncle. It seems to me that there was a fourth boy who rode on the back of the motor bike, but I can’t for the life of me remember who he was. Then it quickly got terrifying, I don’t know how it happened as it all happened so fast. A kick landed on the side of my face from Ellis who was on the horse and I fell to the ground astonished. Then they were all off their respective rides and punching and kicking us, Karla Rose was as thin as a rail, and still is, but she could scrap all right. I had a little more meat on my bones and was used to tussling with my brothers so I gave them as good as I got. I took my clog off at one point to use as a weapon against them and I am pretty sure that I connected with a few heads because of the loud THAWP I heard as my arm swung around in a round house move and hit them in the back of or maybe it was a direct connection with the side of their melons. This assault, I guess it should be called, went on for what seemed like an eternity then as quick as it started it was over. They jumped back on their bike and pony and rode off into the sunset, almost.

We sat there on the ground crying, dazed, disbelief etched on our faces; the hickory nuts we had so meticulously packed into our sacks scattered and forgotten on the ground. We helped each other up and sort of staggered until we righted ourselves and walked home. I lost one clog in the melee and never did find it. We got home and our clothes were torn, some of my buttons ripped from my blouse, grass stains on our knees from being thrown and kicked around by these boys, not yet men. We asked each other on the way home, why? what had we done or said to provoke them? Nothing. We were there, alone, unprotected.

When we finally made it home hanging onto one another weaving our way up the driveway everyone gathered around us. We told them what had happened by then the shock had worn off and the tears started anew. My brothers assembled their posse and my sisters as well and they set off in the direction of the school to get some justice for us. At that point neither Karla Rose nor I was concerned with retribution, we were glad to have survived. The illusion that the world was a safe place had just been shattered for a lifetime.

Fatherless

2010-06-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

Daniel Clayton Hill (1921-1981)
my spirit don't speak english

My grandfather Joseph Hill died when my father, Daniel Clayton Hill was only two years old. Grandpa Joe was an iron-worker like my father and two brothers. He died while working on the Whirlpool Bridge that connects Niagara Falls, NY to Niagara Falls, Ontario on November 21, 1923 he was only 29 years old at the time. The story I have heard from a few different sources is that the bridge was nearly completed or all completed, depending on who was telling the story. He somehow slipped on the iron and fell to his death in the Niagara Gorge, leaving behind my grandmother Elizabeth Pearl (Printup), and four children Birdie, Gordan Howard, James, and my father Daniel Clayton.

I do not know much about my father and feel emptiness inside me because of the deficient of basic information about who he was as a man. I know that as a child or young adult he was sent to the Thomas Indian School which was located on the Cattaraugus Indian Reservation. How long he stayed there or how old he was when he was sent there is something I have no knowledge about. The impact of his stay there was apparent in his life evidenced by his reluctance to speak his native language of Tuscarora. He rarely ever spoke his first language unless he was drunk, the reduction of his inhibitions by the alcohol allowing him to overcome the repression of his language forced upon him during his youth. I know he loved to read as evidenced by a book, magazine, or newspaper he would either be reading or have tucked under his arm whenever he was home.

He served time in the US Army in the 182nd Airborne Division as a paratrooper. Again I do not know much about the time he served. I do have a picture of him riding in the back of a horse drawn coach in his uniform with another unidentified soldier; I am told this picture was taken in France after it was liberated. He never spoke of his time in the boarding school or his time spent in the Army; not to me anyway, the youngest of his nine daughters. My brothers may have heard more about his exploits as they spent more time with him out in his garage then us girls. If he did speak about his past these stories were never shared with me.

I assumed that these were not good times for him and that perhaps he never truly dealt with all the traumas that may have been visited upon him either during his early formative years, or while at the boarding school, or during his stint in the service during war time.

My father could be called a functional alcoholic, he drank nearly everyday yet he always made it to work. If you asked anyone about him they would tell you he was funny, a good man, hardworking, generous, intelligent, a good mechanic, and life of the party so it seemed. But there was another side to him as well and it wasn’t always pretty, he could be very violent and very mean to his family. Many nights I can recall him coming home late or in the early morning hours and inflicting mayhem on our household. He would wake us up and if the dishes weren’t done, or the house not tidy enough he would take off his belt and beat whoever he felt was responsible for the transgression. Sometimes it was my mother, sometimes it was one of us. Never me, as the youngest I had never felt the sting of his belt or the slap of his hand. My older siblings all have at one time or another, some more than others.

Recently I spoke with my father’s first cousin; she is 84 years old and the daughter of my father’s uncle Clement. She reminisced about when her father died; he was my grandfather’s brother, and she stated that her dad had tried to be a father figure to my dad, that he had compassion for my dada and he had always made an effort to be there for his nephew who was fatherless so young. My dad was about 16 years old when his uncle Clement passed. In those days they brought the body home and had a wake during which they sat up day and night singing and eulogizing the deceased, and then they had the burial. She stated that my father, Daniel never left the side of his uncle’s Cement’s casket; he sat there day and night. She also declared that my father was a poet and a great storyteller; he had often visited at their home and would recite his poetry for his uncle and regale them with his stories. This loss of another important and loved man in his life was hard on him she said.

When she told me about my father being a poet it touched my heart. I only wish I could have read or heard some of his poetry. My son writes beautiful poetry as well and now I know what bloodline his talent ran through. My son, like my father lost his father an early age; not to death but as a result of divorce. He too had no male role model in his life for the formative years. He too knew the pain of loss, of days and nights spent hoping to see his father again. Below is a poem that my son wrote at the tender age of 17 and it speaks to the loss of language, culture and love that we have all experienced as a direct result of the boarding schools legacy.

Carlisle

Little Indian boy on a train to a school
So far far away from the land of his life’s blood.
I am with him and I am him.
As are countless others.

On a train to a school filled with notions of civilization
And the sorrows of many nations.
With secret meetings in closets
So we could talk that tongue that is our life’s blood.

So we could hold that dream in our hands of growing up free.
But it was all overshadowed by civilization
And brutal beatings and things we couldn’t understand.

Grandpa never spoke those life-giving words ever again.
Nor have I.

-Jordan Welby Styres ®2000

Death comes calling

2010-06-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

Why does death bring out the worst in some people and the best in others?

I’ve seen my share of death, dying, and loss and felt all the corollary emotions and supplementary shocks. It is never easy for family members or friends of the deceased. Some people simply cannot or will not deal with the fact that we are all mortal and that eventually we will all be mort.

It seems that those under twenty-five or so don’t really consider that life is finite. Many at that age have not experienced the loss of paren

ts or siblings, perhaps grandparents but in this mobile society not everyone is as close to grandparents or aunts and uncles as they once were. Families are spread all over the country and don’t see each other daily or even weekly, so to lose someone that is not in your life every single day sometimes diminishes the sense of loss.

My first memory of death was when I was still a child of about four or five. I remember attending the funeral of my aunt’s infant daughter. I remember being lifted up to see her lying in her small white coffin in a beautiful white dress or gown. She was such a beautiful baby with pink cheeks and dark hair. I didn’t understand why she was in there sleeping and not being held close by her mother. At that age I couldn’t begin to understand the pain and loss her mother, my Aunt Caroline “Kayo” was going through. I now know that the baby’s name was Linda Michelle and that her death was related to the incompatibility of the Rh- factor in her and her mother’s blood. After going to the funeral parlor and the completion of the services we all went somewhere to share a meal afterwards, I don’t know if it was at a rented hall or back at my Grandmother Vera’s house. The loss of this beautiful baby was never mentioned again that I can recall. It almost seemed that she never existed except in small flashes of my memory and I am sure contained within her mother’s broken heart.

My next memory of death touching my life was more understood both by my psyche and my heart. I had an Uncle Jimmy Miller who was married to my Aunt Doris Wilamenia forever. Uncle Jimmy had a great sense of humor. My favorite memory of him was from one summer afternoon. I was probably about 13 or 14 years old and we were driving to Waterford, Ontario to perhaps pick strawberries or maybe to visit my Aunt Deloris “Spense” who resided there. I know that Uncle Jimmy was driving and my Grandpa Ty was in the passenger seat. In the back seat was me, my cousins Pauline “Didder”, Rhonda, and Lisa. We were sitting back there whispering about music, boys, and other important stuff and we were laughing loudly with an occasional hysterical scream or some random snorting. Uncle Jimmy turned around and called us a bunch of “gigglers” which brought on another round of hysterics because unbeknownst to him, or perhaps he was well aware of the fact, that was a name my mother often used to refer to male genitalia.

As we got closer to Waterford there were some young men walking along the road. Uncle Jimmy said to us, “Okay you gigglers here are some boys up here, when I get close I’ll beep and you girls wave.” Again we all broke up because it was so funny that we should be waving at boys with Grandpa in the front seat and our Uncle Jimmy as our chauffer. Of course we all hung our heads out the windows waving, screaming, and whistling at those boys. They were astonished at all the clamor and maybe even a bit scared from the looks of their wide-eyed stares with mouths agape they had as the car whizzed past them. More laughter from the gigglers ensued!

The fact that Uncle Jimmy was the chauffer was even more amazing since he had had his right arm amputated. He had been in an auto accident in his younger day and the docs had put his arm back together with pins and plates. Apparently this repair to his arm wasn’t as successful as was originally thought because it lead to some growth of cancerous cells that spread throughout parts of his body. I remember one day I was at school probably in the 8th grade because I was still in the middle school. I was so sick, throwing up and had a fever. I was sent to the nurse’s office and she called my mother. My mother was usually out and about most mornings having coffee and visiting everyone around the reserve, there were no cell phones back then. We were fortunate enough to have had a land line. At any rate on my emergency contact list was my Aunt Doris and Uncle Jimmy. Aunt Doris was working at the Tuscarora School as a cook/cleaner so Uncle Jimmy drove his green Toyota pickup truck to the middle school to fetch me and bring me home. I was never so glad to see him. I remember letting my head lean back against the car seat as I watched in amazement as he turned the steering wheel so deftly with the little ball attached to it. Although the two things I really wanted at that moment was for my mother and to be home and then to be able to lay down in my own bed, Uncle Jimmy was the next best thing in my time of need. He dropped me off and home and then he must have drove around the rez and located my mom because she got home shortly after I did.

Shortly after this incident I remember being in bed and waking up during the night. I heard the “es:ka dot-ee” and was so scared I ran downstairs and jumped in bed between my mother and father. It was a scary sound like someone blowing over the top of a glass milk jug but even worse I knew that it meant that someone I knew was going to die. That night my Uncle Jimmy was gone. I never wanted to hear that sound ever again.

In 1977 I lost my Grandpa Titus “Ty.” Another funeral, it is so hard to remember anything about that day. I don’t remember a thing, almost like I was never there, he was buried on my 17th birthday. It hurt too much, I think I kept my head down the entire time, trying to keep my tears mopped up with hands full of Kleenex. I know there was food after the funeral but again I can’t remember any of it. I know I sat with my sisters with arms around each other we leaned on each other and were there for our own mother at the loss of her father.

All of these deaths and all the ceremony and ritual experiences were positive healing memorials. I don’t recall any nasty words being thrown around or fights breaking out regarding who was or wasn’t in the will, who did or didn’t get what they wanted from the decedent. Everyone shared their best remembrances, the strength and love they received from their loved one who was now gone on to a better place. Some funerals I’ve attended since then have been so difficult and uncomfortable affairs. Not because of the pain and loss the families were suffering but because of the bitterness, sniping, and infighting that was so apparent even without words being heard.

Naptime

2010-06-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

Waking up can sometimes be a distressing effort for me. It is not that I not a morning person, for the most part I am. In the morning I usually feel rested and am ready to face a new day and all that it may bring into my life. It is not actually the waking up part that is difficult for me; instead it is the feeling that accompanies the wakefulness.

To wake up after an afternoon nap, whether it is taken at home, during a car, or airplane trip reminds me of the feeling I would get as a child when forced to take a nap, a feeling that perhaps while I was in a state of repose I may have missed something important. As the youngest in my family it frustrated me that all my older siblings were allowed to stay up, or to go outside and play while my younger brother and I were put into a crib, usually together to have our afternoon nap. The curtains were drawn, perhaps a blanket was put up over the window to drown out the light, in an attempt by my eldest brother to fool us into thinking it was night. The bedroom door a piece of plywood cut to fit the opening into my parent’s bedroom, with large metal hinges was secured with an eye and hook lock on the outside. Everyone was told to stay out and not to disturb the babies because they needed to sleep.

I would lie in the crib with my feet sticking through the rails against a wall that was constructed of bare and worn two-by-fours with old boards nailed together in a haphazard manner, sometimes joined together smoothly, and in other places with a one-quarter to one-half inch gap, to give the illusion that it was a finished wall. I can remember the feel of the boards against my feet, while I lay in the crib and I “walked” up and down the wall in an effort to calm myself. My tiny toes fitting easily into the gaps between the boards. I would grind my teeth and hum to myself as my feet caressed the well worn boards. I can remember putting my face against my brother, Ty’s cheek as I continued to hum so the vibrations would soothe him as well as me. I could hear cars and large trucks driving by and I could hear shouts and voices talking outside and in other parts of the house. I longed to be a part of the clamor but instead my baby brother and me, still the baby too, were relegated to the bedroom to nap.

As much as I fought to stay awake to continue to listen to what everyone was saying, trying to imagine what they could be doing while I was stuck with a crying baby, it was impossible. Sleep would over take me once Ty had fallen silent beside me his breath soft and regular against my cheek. Only then would I finally fall asleep with dreams of what could be.

It was then upon waking that a feeling of loss and isolation would overtake me. What had everyone else been doing while I, the baby girl among a houseful of children, slept? Did they get to go to the store, were they able to walk or ride to the school less than a mile away and play at the playground, did they get some kind of a treat that the baby and I missed. That feeling that life had spun on and on like a top, while we slept, that there was something significant that had occurred that I was not privy to, could never hope to be as long as I was the baby made to nap.

I hoped at times that it would be my mother who would came in the room to lift me out of the crib when my napping was over, but invariably it was my oldest brother or oldest sister who had taken on this motherly duty. That in itself, left me feeling bereft, where had my mother gone?

Nicknames

2010-06-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

My sister Dolores is three years older than I. Her nickname has been “Bean” for as long as I can remember. Apparently when she was much younger she, for whatever unknown reason, stuck a bean up in her nose and it stayed there for quite awhile. It was only discovered after she began to emit a rather unpleasant aroma and after some searching by my mother and others did they finally realize it Dolores who was so odiferous. My mother was unsuccessful in dislodging the offending bean and finally had to take her to the ER to have the bean surgically removed.

Most Native people from my home reservation of Tuscarora have nicknames. I would be hard pressed at times to be able to retrieve from my memory their given names because for some people I have only known their nicknames. There is even a game that I have played at various bridal or baby showers where you have to match a person’s nickname with their given name. Not an easy feat for younger people who have never even met someone on the list who have since been deceased, they are oblivious to both their given or nicknames.

I think my favorite nickname is “Jook:wha”, or “Jook” if you knew him well. His real name was Victor Johnson and sometimes when my brothers were in full on wrestling mode and one had the other pinned in a full nelson, the pinned then had to say “I love Uncle Vic” in order to be released from the hold. Vic wasn’t our real uncle that was just part of their lore. Vic or “Jook” didn’t drive, maybe he had a license but he never had a car that I can recall. He walked every day to one of the stores just off the reservation for his cigarettes, Pall Mall or Lucky Strikes I think. Back then we didn’t have smoke shops on every corner of the reserve like we do now. So he would have to walk to either “Red and White” on the corner of Garlow and Route 31, which is closed down now; or to “Mr. Thank You” on Upper Mountain Road, which is now called Ms. Thank You, as the proprietor’s daughter has taken over the store. The shaggy dog story of the reserve, or at least some people thought it funny, was to say that they would stop and ask Vic if he needed a ride to which he purportedly would reply “no thanks I’m in a hurry.”

There was a family, who originally lived on “Dog Street” who had a number of brothers long since gone, but every one of them had a nickname, I don’t even know what their real names were and I would have to go out and find someone older than me to ask. They were “Guggins”, “Basket”, “Tootsie”, and “Moh-Moh” all Jacobs’. These brothers were all hard drinking, fun loving men back in their day. Or so it seems that way because they each have various offspring by various women on the reservation, some from their wives, and some not. So I imagine that they all had some great times while they were still with us. Now “Basket” he seems to have cornered the market on partying hearty and he had many sons who followed in his footsteps, and they too had the best nicknames: Esh:ka or Pumpkin (Leonard), Cow (Milton), Bobby Big Head, Greg, Vaughn (Zeke). The majority of these young men all died young in alcohol related car accidents, one was shot to death by his own cousin during a dispute.

Recently I was talking to my sister Tanis on the phone, she lives in California and has been out there for over twenty years. She asked me if I remembered “Whitty-boy” and “Court”, to which I replied, nope I sure enough didn’t. I have heard their names before but have no recollection of either one of them. I know they lived on Upper Mountain Road and I know I could point to the exact spot where I think their old homestead used to be located, now since fallen into such disrepair that it was gone, or perhaps burned to the ground. I am not sure which. There is a field plowed around their old homestead that is overgrown with weeds and has large trees that probably grew in what was their front lawn.

Another way of distinguishing different generations from the next is to add an extension to their name as in “father’s name +boy”. So I assume that Whitty-boy had a father perhaps named Whitty also, or Whitlo or maybe Whitman. My brother Daniel is still Danny-boy even though he recently turned 63. There is my nephew Joe-boy who has to be over 27 now, Sammy-boy turned 50 two years ago. Petey-boy just had a boy of his own who can’t be Petey-boy-boy, so he is Skippy. Sometimes a different type of extension was used for married, or almost married people. When “Basket” used to be married to Patricia she was “Pat-Mike”, my sister-in-law is “Chrissy-Duck” which is my brother Donald’s nickname added to hers. My favorite couple who are now both deceased were “OJ” and “Jumbo” Wilson. Her real name was Orelle (I think) and his was Dallas. They were beautiful people with beautiful spirits and their offspring continue on in their tradition of giving to their church and helping others who are in need.

This tradition of nicknames is not localized to my reservation only, other reservations have some great ones too. I have seen a guy at Six Nations with his nickname “Jick” embroidered on his hat, “Jick” is usually a nickname for pubic hair. There was also “Luck-Luck” who comes from that reserve as well, you are a “Luck-Luck” if you start clearing off the table before everyone is done eating. You are an “Ella” if you hang around when your elders are talking and try to eavesdrop on their conversation, which is the nickname of a woman from my rez named Cinderella who liked to gossip. There was a couple named “Half-dead” and “Bone-slivers” and I am glad that I have never set eyes on either of them from the sounds of their nicknames it seems they wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Our given names define who were are but I also believe that nicknames have a lot of meaning for people. Sometimes it seems that they define not who we are, but rather they define how others see us. My brother Wayne Clair’s nickname was “Sla”, I have no idea why, he is older than me and out of the house before I was born or shortly thereafter. My sister Vera Jane is called “Bela” I think because our siblings couldn’t say Vera. My brother David’s nickname was Crockett, no explanation necessary. My sister Denise is called “Peg” and sadly I think it is based on the fact that she had polio as a baby and has a limp from her many surgeries to correct the growth plate in her one leg that enabled her to walk. My brother Donald was “Duck” as I mentioned before. I never had a nickname and am not sure if that is a blessing or a curse.

Mrs. Mickey's Laundromat

2010-06-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I heard my mother yelling up the stairs for me to get up. I reluctantly got out of bed, it was already stifling in my room and I didn't relish the thought of going to the laundromat that morning. Mom told everyone to bring their dirty clothes downstairs and as dutiful, obedient children we all did. The clothes were all dumped unceremoniously onto the middle of the living room floor, we then started sorting them into various piles of whites, colored and darks. When we were all finished with the sorting process we had eleven baskets filled.

The boys then loaded them into the trunk of our mother's extremely large pink Buick Electra with the overflow filling up the backseat. I was not looking forward to an afternoon stuck in a hot and muggy laundromat washing, folding and resorting tons of laundry. This was one hated weekly chore that usually was relegated to me as the youngest girl in my family to carry out. My mother would have a racing form, a newspaper, and a cold bottle of pop while she sat in the comfort area provided and waited for me to completed this assigned task. I never felt slighted or put upon because my elder sisters all had to to this task at one time and now it was my turn, it didn't mean I loved the job just that I knew it was a job that had to be done, especially if i wanted clean clothes to wear.

Mom and I got into the car and she started driving down "Dog Street" which is the nickname for the road we lived on at our Rez. It was Dog Street because of the the inordinate amount of dogs that ran around loose, wild, and free each day, like I yearned to be that summer morning. We headed up towards the city with our destination being Mrs. Mickey's Laundromat on Military Road. A place I abhorred because of Mrs Mickey, she was probably in her late sixties and would invariably have on her short all occasion mini skirt, a tube top, a nappy blonde wig, and bright red lipstick smudged on in the general vicinity of her lips, as she tried mightily to beautify herself. All of her pale and wrinkly skin on display for all the world to see, eewww. Mrs. Mickey would speak so condescendingly to my mom, always with some derogatory comment about "those dirty Indians", or worse yet Mrs. Mickey would say something about someone my mom knew, and she knew everyone from the rez.

Earl who was either Mrs. Mickey's boy toy or perhaps just her maintenance man, was always limping around the periphery. He seemed to enjoyed eyeing all the gitch and assorted foundation wear as I loaded them into the washing machines. He stank of a combination of urine and old cigars. He had a clubfoot, a cauliflower ear and was always chomping on a nasty cigar butt. He had Herman Munster boots with one sole an inch thick and the other at least four inches thick. I would always go and stand next to my mother if he ever approached me and tried to mumble something to me.

On this particular summer morning my mom was not in the mood for any of Mrs. Mickey's prejudicial shit. We got there and I carried in all eleven baskets and started to load up the extra large washers that held two to three loads each. I started up the first few washers and then my mom went to the counter to ask Mrs. Mickey for some change so we could start the rest. She seemed to be taking longer than usual and I started to walk towards her to find out why. Then the yelling started, apparently Mrs. Mickey had accused my mom of using slugs in her washing machines. That did not sit too well with my mother who was never one to filter her thoughts or withhold a smack down from anyone she thought needed one.

My mom reached across the counter with a right hook that would rival any heavy weight boxer's of the day. Mrs. Mickey's nappy wig went flying off her head and the fight was on. My mom threw down the gloves as she proceeded to let Mrs. Mickey have it. I think the worse memory from that day was Mrs. Mickey's in a headlock under my mom's bingo wing as as was being pummeled. Her tube top was down around her waist and her boobs hanging to her knees, with each right hook her whole body shook and the boobs would sway in unison. If only I had a sharp stick to erase that memory from my eyes.

Very shortly the police were on the scene. The final outcome was that we had to leave and my mom was banned from Mrs. Mickey's for life. I remember pulling the clothes out of the machines and the water dripping all over the linoleum floor, and having to haul out the now heavier baskets of soaking wet clothes to the car. We then drove to Pierce and 18th Street to another laundromat and I had to go through the processes in reverse, again. By the time we got home with the laundry all washed, folded and sorted I was exhausted both physically and mentally from all the shenanigans I had witnesses that day. Needless to day, life with my mom was never dull.

Jump around

2010-06-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

Summertime was always my most favorite time of the year. No more school, no classes, no teachers, no assignments, no math, no waking up late and hurrying to catch the bus. Nope, any time that went by was dedicated to fun, to play, to run, to jump, to climb trees, or just move slower and be free. No racing the clock, no worries, no projects to do, no more homework for three glorious months.

It was now time to relax and get down to the business of having a great summer filled of fun, and lots of it. When you grow up on a rural Indian reservation there doesn't seem to be, at first glance, any opportunities for fun. There were no nearby movie theatres, round trampolines, roller rinks, swimming pools, games rooms, lasertron, or computers with Halo, World of Warcraft, or even Gameboys. No, back in the old days we had to use our own imaginations and our brains to manufacture fun to get us through the three months allocated to the good times.

Instead of ready made games and toys, we had miles and miles of woods to play in. These woods were filled with creeks, ponds, swamps, bushes, trees, frogs, snakes, and bugs. There was the spring, the ridge, the reservoir, the playground at the school and a whole neighborhood filled with friends, who were for the most part cousins. The brainpower that we all harnessed to find something fun to each day was unfathomable.

Out in the back of our house was my dad's garage. A two-story barn that seemed like a behemoth to me back then. There was a set of stairs on the backside of the barn leading up to a second story, as well as a built in ladder inside the garage that led to a rectangular opening in the floor. Although it would probably be the easiest for anyone to go outside and walk up the stairs to get up into the garage, my preferred method was to climb the ladder and then hoist myself up through the opening. In those days I was a light thinner then i am now so it was easy for me then, though to accomplish this feat it required a large dollop of balance, grit and some fortitude.

During the summer of 1972 someone either got new mattresses in our neighborhood or just had no use for a large stack of mattresses and box springs. How these old mattresses ended up at our house or more specifically directly under the second story landing of the garage/barn is a mystery to me. But someone got the brilliant idea that those mattresses would make a great landing pad if someone were either brave or stupid enough to jump from the landing onto them, perhaps executing a few flips on the way down. There were quite a number of us who intended to do just exactly that. There was a line up every day for a few weeks as all of the kids took turns jumping off the ledge onto the mattresses below. With each new day came even more wonderful feats of aerial acrobatics as we each tried to outdo the other with our rendition of chief acrobat. The mattresses somehow held out for a number of weeks that summer. In between rain storms we had to take a break to let them dry out before we resumed our joyous jumping.

One especially sultry summer day, I stood on the rail of the landing, already mentally rehearsing my double flip and full layout that i was about to perform. In my minds eye I could see myself and thought "I should turn around and jump off backwards." As "they" say we become that which we think about or that thinking, brings about belief, which brings about action , so it was that day. I turned around and faced inwards toward the barn, practiced my jump again mentally, and must have moved ever so slightly before I launched myself into the air and began my flip. I felt/knew it immediately, I wasn't in the right position. I came down hard, really hard on the ground next to the mattresses. Iheard this funny sound like HUMMFFFTT as i hit the ground, not understanding where the noise came from, me as my lungs deflated. As i lay there next to the mattresses, looking up into the clear blue sky, and into the faces of my siblings and cousins astonished faces the only thing that came to mind was "who moved the mattress."

I fought hard to breath, not to catch my breath but to breathe, the wind had been so thoroughly knocked out of me as I smacked the hard packed earth with my little, skinny, wiry 12 year old body. The only thing I was able to do was lay still for a minute or two, but finally I sat up quickly with a large rush of air. Everyone then started to laugh so hard, i think mostly out of relief it seemed because i was not dead or paralyzed. Then again i think it had something to do with that kind of slapstick comedy like the 3 Stooges, when someone gets whacked it's all you can do not to laugh. The comedy of youth.

The mattress jumps did last too much longer after that, not because my mother had heard about my little "accident" but because the coils in the mattress finally started to unravel and stick up though the mattress in random spots. No one wanted to get a coil jabbed in their back or their backside. So that ended that, no more jumping on the bed. It was time to think of some other ways to have fun without hurting ourselves too much.

Sunday go to meeting clothes

2010-06-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

"Sunday go to meeting clothes."

I heard these words many times as I was growing up, but never knew the origin of these five words. It all became so much clearer when I heard these same exact words on a documentary.
My mother, Hazel Leona, was a pupil/survivor of the Mohawk Institute in Brantford, Ontario, a place she and others referred to as the “Mush hole.”

In all my life my mother never spoke of her time at the Mush hole, I do not know what brutality she endured while she was there because she kept it locked away hidden inside her. I know that she was a fluent speaker of Mohawk when she first came to stay at the Mush hole, someone she went there with who is still alive recently told my sister this fact. I also know that when she left there she was no longer fluent; she never spoke to me or my siblings in her native language, which was Mohawk. What words or phrases I do know where taught to me by my grandmother, her mother. I do not know why she went there or how long she had to stay, nor what she endured.

The video I watched portrayed life at the Mush hole as a life full of loneliness and pain. My heart ached thinking of her there alone, separated from her own siblings and friends, perhaps locked in a dark room alone. I do know that because of her time there she had on some level a sense of skeptism about all things spiritual or maybe more accurately religious. I never questioned my mother; I usually took what she told me as her truth, for better or for worse.

Growing up she would tell us to get ready in our “Sunday go to meeting clothes” and she would take us to the Tuscarora Mission on my reservation. I had a strong belief in a higher power, God, Jesus, Creator, Lord, Sa dee a gwes oh, or just He who made me. I enjoyed going to church, I felt such peace and comfort there and always a sense of renewal inside myself. This feeling of peace didn’t seem to come to my mother often. Although she took us there to church where my father’s family attended regularly, it seemed to me that she there was sadness within her and sometimes a generalized scoffing or quiet sneering at some things that were preached.

I attributed her unhappiness or disbelief to the fact that her mother, had been an active member of the Seven Day Adventist Church and her father, had been an inactive member of the Anglican Church. As a young child I couldn’t even begin to understand the losses my mother and her family had already encountered and had survived. I only knew that something inside her was missing or locked up so tightly she didn’t know how to access it herself.

My mother was never a huggy kissy kind of a mother to me. I thought that maybe since I was the 9th of 10 children that she had that perhaps she was tired of mothering and nurturing and that she had already expended it on her other offspring that came before me. As I grew up it seemed that we grew even more distant. I looked to my older sisters for comfort and support. My mother wasn’t always there when I needed her, and sometimes I felt that she wasn’t there when she was. I remember a song called “Far away eyes” and it brought to my mind my mother who at times sat at the table with a cigarette in her one hand, a cup of coffee in the other, staring far away as she looked out the window towards the road.

She loved me I knew that, but it seemed sometimes she didn’t know how to or couldn’t show me her feelings for me. She seemed uncomfortable when in the morning I would get up and come to her and hug her or try to sit in her lap. I never understood her awkwardness and thought perhaps she didn’t really love me because of something I had done or maybe because I wasn’t born a son.

It wasn’t until I heard the woman on the film talk about her experience where she was locked in a cold, damp room at the Mush hole where they kept the “Sunday go to meeting clothes,” did I connect my mother’s pain and her past. Her indifference to me was not that she didn’t want to kiss me or hold me but that she had suffered so much in her own youth, separated from her own mother. Made to lose more than just her language and her culture the perhaps she lost her ability to love on some level. Perhaps she even felt unlovable because that is exactly what the administrators and staff at that school wanted her to feel. It seemed to me that she felt that she was less than, not good enough, second class, unworthy of respect, love, compassion and therefore she found it difficult e to love and nurture anyone else, including me.

My mother has been gone from me for over 24 years, and yet there are still mornings when I wake up and wish I could reach for the phone and call her. l long to be able to stand next to her and just lean my head against her arm, to feel her warmth and her strength flow through me.

One leg at a time

2010-06-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

As a young girl I can remember always wanting to be one of the “big girls” hanging around the oak kitchen table at my Grandmother’s house at Six Nations in Hagersville, Ontario. This one summer afternoon I remember vividly the smell of cigarettes and coffee as I stood leaning against my mother’s arm as she sat around the table with her mother and sisters. This is the table where they held court and held forth on the important big girl issues at hand. My mother tried to shoo me away as she called me “Ella”, which was a shortened version of Cinderella and the nickname of a woman from our reservation who loved to listen in on all gossip sessions, invited or not.
The conversation I overheard that afternoon has stayed with me for over thirty years and it has continued to puzzle me for most of my adult life. The topic of this day seemed to be focused on my uncle who had “stepped out” on my aunt. There ensued a rather loud and animated discussion; it was very lengthy and escalated as time went on. All my aunts had something they really wanted my other aunts and my mother to hear, their opinions. The information flow went round and round the table as everyone wanted to have their voice heard that day. Then one statement made by my cuckolded aunt was voiced. This statement seemed to be imprinted on my brain all these years and would come back to me at various times and in different situations.
My aunt said, sounding rather resigned, “He is just a man; he puts his pants on one leg at a time” there was more to her statement but that is all I remember. At this the room fell silent, her declaration seemed to let the air out of all their sails. No more advice or additional observations was forthcoming from anyone at the table. Total silence, which was almost shocking after the melee that had preceded the calm. I couldn’t figure out what this declaration meant for the longest time. Did it mean that other people or men in particular, put their pants on in a different way? Did they put them on two legs at a time? Did they jump into them using a different protocol than woman do? Was he special, different, set aside from all other men in the way he got dressed every morning and undressed every night?
As a young girl I had no experiential knowledge to compare her pronouncement to. My life experiences were severely limited and there was nothing enlightening that I could relate this almost offhand comment to.
This morning as I was standing in the shower the events of this summer day came rushing back to me as clear almost as if I was leaning against my mother's arm again, which on some days I long for deeply. My uncle is now gone as is most of my aunties, mother, and gram who all sat around the kitchen table over thirty years ago. My aunt is still alive, a little softer in the jowls, a little longer in the tooth and definitely moving much slower than she did in the early 70’s.
As I got out of the shower and imparted this memory to my husband he repeated “he is just a man” and it was an immediate moment of clarity for me. Now as I near my fiftieth birthday with many years of my own life experiences I can now understand her declaration. It was her way of coming to grips with his infidelity and her own pain; it was also her way of giving him legroom to make a mistake without it ending their relationship or their marriage. All people make mistakes; he was no worse, and no better than anyone else—he too put his pants on one leg at a time—like everyone else.
Many people have asked themselves if they could forgive their partner if they were to find out that they cheated on them. They do survey’s for Cosmopolitan and Glamour and publish statistics of how many men and women are unfaithful in their relationships, how many divorce as a result of their disloyalty. In that moment my auntie had made up her mind, she either had to forgive him or forgo her marriage. My other aunties, my mom, and grandmother had all accepted her decision as evidenced by their tacit agreement. I saw it in their eyes and the miniscule almost invisible nodding of their heads in unison, not understanding then what I was seeing.
They stayed together, my Aunt Pen and Uncle Don and somehow worked through the pain and loss of a broken trust. My Uncle Don passed away over two years ago and Aunt Pen was at his side as he courageously struggled against a cancer that in the end he could not defeat. He was after all, just a man with all his foibles and failures; nevertheless, she loved him and stayed by his side until the end.

Twilight Mania

2010-06-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

This last Saturday morning I jumped up and out of bed earlier than I normally do on a weekend because I had heard on the radio that the first 50 cars who get to the Boulevard Mall will win 2 tickets to see the first showing of the new Twilight movie. I am not even sure which one of the series is next but I knew my daughter, Jessie, would want to be there. I am actually jonesing to see it too since I read every book in the series after she finished it. I picked up the first book to see what all the hubbub was about, and I was hooked. So as I was going down the stairs I poked my head into her room and said “hey you want to go to the Boulevard Mall to get free tickets to Twilight from Jack FM.” She opened her eyes, looking a little like a newborn pup with her eyes all puffy and still half closed and said “yeah, let me get ready.”
We were out the door in about 15 minutes and as we were getting into the car she asked “are you sure they’re Twilight tickets” to which I replied “100% sure.” At this point a little doubt was creeping into my head but I was pretty sure I knew what I was talking about. We headed towards Buffalo and along the way I begin to wonder because we were listening to the 92.9 radio station, also known as Jack FM, and they didn’t mention Twilight tickets, instead they were only mentioning Darien Lake tickets, double admission even. Hmmm, I thought I just knew that I had heard about movie tickets on one of the stations I listened to.
Although it is my car, and I make the payment every month on both the car loan and the insurance; it doesn’t guarantee me free access to the radio. When I am alone and driving to and from work I prefer my favorite station, which for now is 92.9. But when the cab light is on and I am driving my kids to and from sports practices or games; to school because they missed the bus; shopping; to breakfast or elsewhere, they somehow become masters of my universe and think nothing of changing my radio to hear what they want to hear. Never mind that they may have an IPod in their paws with earphones dangling out of their ears, they still change my station. It may be right in the middle of my favorite oldies song but it doesn’t matter, their little fingers start pushing buttons.
I think the worst part of my kid’s generation is that they have to have all access to everything all the time. They have the TV on, the computer on, their earphones in and yet they can come walking over to me while I am house cleaning, doing the laundry, reading, or face booking, scrapbooking and say to me “I’m bored.” To which I always reply well you can go out and weed the garden, vacuum the sun porch, hang your nasty lacrosse equipment on the line outside to blow the stink of it,” to which they invariable reply “never mind” and go back to their game of World of Warcraft or whatever else they were doing. Kids these days!
So we arrived at the Boulevard Mall in record time and got in the serpentine line of cars that was already forming in the parking lot. We were about 20th in line so we knew we made it and we’re both as happy as a bird with a French fry. Jessie again asked “are you sure they have Twilight tickets?” well by then I hadn’t heard one word on Jack FM about movie tickets but plenty on Darien lake tickets. I had told her that they probably didn’t want o remind everyone at this late time or they would be inciting a riot, so good thing I wrote it down, somewhere so I could remember. She looked at me doubtfully and said “okay mom.” Well I looked in my rearview and saw the line steadily growing behind me, I opened my door to get out and Jessie said “mom where u going?” her voice sounding like she was so mortified that I would have the nerve to get out of the car. I just said “I’ll be back in a second.” The look on her face was one of consternation, like I was the kid acting out and she was the parent.
I walked nonchalantly to the girl in the green Chevy cobalt behind me in line. She was alone, probably 23-25 years old with her brown hair in a pony tail and a white spaghetti strapped camisole on. I asked her somewhat reluctantly “so this is the line for Twilight tickets right.” She looked at me with a bewildered look on her face and replied, “No, they are giving away tickets for Darien Lake.” I felt like a stooge and then she said “I wish they were tickets for Twilight.” “Me too,” I mumbled as I walked back towards my car. There it was confirmation that I am old, senile and possibly somewhat of a doofus, at least in my daughter’s eyes.
The girl in the cobalt told me she had driven up from Boston, NY and it had taken her almost 45 minutes to get there. I had driven only 15 minutes and although we didn’t get tickets to see the latest release of the vampire chronicles at least we didn’t leave empty handed. We did get a small plastic cup of chocolate ice cream, only one, even though there were two of us, a sticker on our window for Jack FM 98.2 and 4 admission tickets to a fun filled day of Darien Lake. We now have the whole summer 2010 season in which to use them. Not a bad haul for not actually knowing what we were in line for. I only wish I knew where I wrote down what day, time, and place that the other radio station was giving away the movie passes.