Rhonda's Reality

Walking with faith...

2012-06-14T18:34:00.001-07:00

So last November I lost my job as a result of funding cuts in research. I didn't anticipate that six months later I would STILL be looking for work. It has honestly been a real emotional drain! I had no idea the way that what we do with each day could have such an impact on our emotional state of mind!

I have spent a lot of time studying for the LSAT but again I have had to put it off. I will be taking the LSAT in October. I really hadn't anticipated putting it off but I simply didn't feel ready for the logic game section! I just can't screw this up!

I suppose I could try to stay in research for the rest of my life however, I have a dream! I want to help families heal from the trauma and torture that supposedly "well meaning" CPS workers inflict on unsuspecting families and their children!

I am looking for work to get me through because even if I do good on the LSAT in October I will not be able to start law school until the fall of 2013! It seems like a long way off, but I know it will move by in a flash!

I was invited to participate in a film made by a group that is against corruption in government. I am excited because this film will be shown to congress. Honestly those in government don't have a clue how deterimental DCFS/CPS has become and they NEED to know! I hope and pray that my story will open the eyes of some very influential people and some changes will come!

I certainly plan to do all I can to expose the trauma that I endured and show that CPS has NO evidence for the accusations they leveled against me! My name was cleared when this was brought to light in an administrative hearing, but unfortunatley we have corrupt juvenile court judges who simply don't care about the welfare of the people they are making judgments against!

If you are interested in learning about the video that I will be in follow this link:
http://www.lawlessamerica.com/
If you are interested in learning about how to protect yourself from CPS or similar government agencies follow this link:
http://www.americanfamilyrightsassociation.com/
If you want to become active in fighting for your rights as a parent follow this link:
http://www.parentalrights.org/

If you have had an experience with CPS or DCFS or other similarly named government body and want to share send an email to Bmailto:Bill@LawlessAmerica.com he will can get you in the movie to tell your story to congress! This is an awesome oportunity folks!

If you want to hear more about my story let me know! Click "join this site" and follow me! Let me know what you think by leaving comments and clicking the button at the top indicating "boring, interesting, or thumbs up!" Thanks for spending a few minutes with me!!

Journey...helping unite families and overcome DCFS!

2011-10-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm starting a new journey and the point of this blog is just to document and keep track of where this journey will take me. I have lots of great ideas running through my head about where I want to end up...there is a quote from Alice in Wonderland that my doctor mentioned to me the other day. He couldn't remember the exact quote but I knew exactly what he was talking about.
Alice: Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.

Life is much like Alice lost in Wonderland. We often find our selves feeling lost and waiting...well in life if we just sit around and wait for something to happen to us then something will eventually happen, but what that something is may NOT be the something we wanted!

The past few weeks I have sat rather locked up tight inside myself contemplating the meaning of my life. Why am I hear? I mean I know the answers that the church provides..we are here to learn, to be tried and tested, to grow in strength and experience, but what does that all mean?

I have to admit I hit rock bottom and didn't even want to get out of bed. I spent an entire week laying around the house and doing NOTHING! I was SICK to death of getting up going to work...at a job where I am not even missed if I don't go in for a week!! and going home to unhappy kids and family just to get up and do it all over again the next day! I didn't care if I never got out of bed again!!

Well honestly there were several issues all converging on each other at that moment in my life, which are not important to mention here but they all contributed to this feeling of worthlessness, being lost, unimportant, INVISIBLE...I guess I felt that I could pretty much just disappear and no one would really notice...heck, I had done it for a week at work and no one noticed!!

However, I knew that this could not continue. I had to do something and so I started to get out of bed again and I went to my Biology class again...I still have not been back to my Chemistry class. I have to seriously wonder if something that makes me feel so bad could possibly be something that was meant to be a part of my life??

Anyway, while I was on my way to work this morning I was thinking about this conundrum I have found myself in. If all I want to do is help others and make a difference in their lives but I feel unimportant to the people around me and I'm NOT making a difference, at least one that I am aware of, then maybe my focus is all wrong! Maybe if I am so invisible to the world around me then "I" should focus on me. I don't mean in a selfish way...I mean I should focus on what "I" really want. I really want a family that is healthy and happy. I really want friends that will come and visit me and invite me to visit them. I really want to feel like I have created something beautiful that I can leave behind when I leave this world. A legacy of sorts.

So I started to think again about things that I have thought about in the past ever since DCFS came into my life. That's been 9 years ago now. And I realized I have talked myself out of the things I want the most. I have self sabotaged and halted my progression by feeling like I am not important enough, I am noticeable, I am not big enough in the eyes of the world to achieve my great dreams...

I have to start again from where I left off and move one step at a time toward building this dream of mine. I know it is going to take a long time to get there but maybe not too long! I have to start with a road map, because unlike Alice I DO know where I want to get to and there is a path out there for me to take. I simply have to take the first step and let things begin to fall into place!

So you are probably wondering what I have been thinking of for the past 9 years. Well off and on I have been thinking how absolutely FANTASTIC it would be to create my own healing center!! I will discuss the ideas I have about my healing center in a future post! but for now wish me luck!! I'm off to start my new journey!!

By the way...if you come across my blog and like what you see click the "follow" button and keep up on what I'm doing! If you know someone who is struggling with DCFS send them my way! Thanks!!

The American Gestapo

2011-05-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have started to write the book I have been planning to write FOREVER. Initially I thought that I would write my whole life story until I discovered memoirs. Of course I seem to discover things long after the normal world has discovered them (possibly a lingering effect of my bazaar childhood)

I have decided to call my book "Legalized Kidnapping and the American Gestapo" The idea came to me as I was on my way home from work. I sat contemplating the things that I would like to write in a memoir and remembered that I had already written the documentation of what had happened when my children were "legally kidnapped" I call it that because in my mind any time a child is taken from a parent and that child and parent WANT to be together it is nothing short of kidnapping REGARDLESS of why the person took the child. Of course I realize that DCFS would NEVER agree with my point of view and guess what...that's okay because I don't agree with theirs.

My mom goes to church with a gal that she thinks "is an alright kind of gal" because this lady quit DCFS after refusing to lie in court about a family. I know some may be sitting there reading this thinking what??? But honestly I am not the first person to experience the corruption and deceit called "DCFS". Something I realized about DCFS is that their name will tell you EXACTLY what they are all about Division of Child and Family Services = Division of Child and Family. It is a horrifying thought when you come to understand the power that they have.

I always think it is interesting when I talk to strangers about my views on DCFS and they always have a look in their eyes like I am crazy or I must approve of child abuse or something. It seems so unfortunate to me that so many people don't really know what that entity is really all about. They don't understand that we have a living Gestapo in our midst. Those who have worked for them or have been involved with them will eventually uncover the truth of my words in some form or another.

I should make it clear that I am not claiming every person working for DCFS is corrupt or that they all have a monetary or hidden agenda, but there are some who are very powerful that are corrupt and they DO have a monetary or hidden agenda... I would never have believed it if I hadn't experienced it myself. I learned that DCFS is paid Federal dollars based on how many children they have in foster care. They don't receive those same funds for those that are left in the home. Hmmm... That alone gives them HUGE incentive, but there are other things lurking behind those sweet smiles and sheeps eyes. People who want to save the world regardless of who they hurt trying to do it...Those who have power trips...and many other personality types who we trust to make the right decisions about how to protect our children.

The reality is that what you don't know CAN hurt you. So I decided that my story should be heard with all the facts included. Hopefully someone will be able to gain a sense of hope when they read my story and realize that good really can overcome evil and things really can work out for the best even after the most horrifying experiences. We all have the power to be what ever we dream of, we just need to have faith and trust in God to lead us down the correct paths even if those paths are prickly and painful...

2010-06-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to find an old friend I hadn't seen in years. More than I care to admit. I was thrilled to receive her first note to me indicating her excitement that I had found her after all these years. I wrote back to her and of course I asked all the usual let's get to know each other questions and eagerly await her reply!

Is there anyone you can think of that you would like to reconnect with from your youth? Take a trip down memory lane with old pictures or year books you may be surprised at things you had forgotten that come to mind. =)

People are of infinite worth...

2010-06-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't take things so personal but, people should remember that each soul is of INFINITE worth regardless of where they live, what they drive, what they wear, how much money they make etc... Christ lived on the generosity of those around him. He said to give of your substance to those who are in need. He never said "only give if it doesn't depreciate your home value, or if it is convenient, or if you feel like it."

In the scriptures it says to "remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (D&C 18: 10)

Jacob told his people:
20 And now, my brethren, I have spoken unto you concerning pride; and those of you which have afflicted your neighbor, and persecuted him because ye were proud in your hearts, of the things which God hath given you, what say ye of it?

21 Do ye not suppose that such things are abominable unto him who created all flesh? And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other. And all flesh is of the dust; and for the selfsame end hath he created them, that they should keep his ^acommandments and glorify him forever. (Jacob 2 20-21)

And King Benjamin said,
17. And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn ^awisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the ^bservice of your ^cfellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

18. Behold, ye have called me your king; and if I, whom ye call your king, do labor to ^aserve you, then ought not ye to labor to serve one another? (Mosiah 2: 17-18)

I hope a material possession is never more important to you than another human being.

How are you doing?

2010-05-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

I ran into a friend at work a few days ago and promised I would write more. I also promised a friend from church and I have been TERRIBLE about it. So to them I say I'm sorry.

I know there were people who were concerned and thinking of me around the year anniversary of Kendra's death. I am grateful to know that people care. It means a lot to me.

On the one year anniversary of my babies death I had a day just like any other day. I felt a little astonished that it had already been a full year since we said our goodbyes. I still hear her little voice in my head telling me, "mommy, I don't want you to be sad." She said those words to me on a night shortly after her first chemo treatment when I was feeling particularly sad about the idea of her dying. I have no doubt in my mind that her little soul is standing there whispering in my ear during those times when I am feeling particularly desperate to see her little face and hold her close again.

I think I got off easily on the one year anniversary. The last couple of days have been a bit rough. I look at the video montage of Kendra and I think how could God take that precious little girl from me because I needed her so much, and then I realize he needed her too and she earned glory in the life to come. I guess it sucks to be me.

I often think how glad I am that she will never know the malice of the world outside my front door. I am so grateful that she will only know the joy and love of being with our savior. And I am so grateful that I have a testimony of a life after death and the pure love of Christ because with out the thought that I will see her again I am not so sure I would be coping as well as I do, most of the time.

2010-05-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

I recently decided to take my children out of school and am quickly finding out how much work it is to prepare a days worth of work and activities to keep young minds engaged and excited...

I spent about six hours over the last three days in a school supply store sifting through the wide range of possible curricula available in search of something that will encourage my children to think for themselves and not simply follow along and be told what to do. I hope that by having them learn at home and adding in some moral instruction they will be able to stand firm when they see things happening that they disagree with.

I am of the opinion that good, solid leadership skills are sadly lacking in our society. There are many out there who are opinionated and passionate, however, they haven't been taught basic moral values or they choose to disregard them saying they are old fashioned and inhibitory.

I am interested in hearing what others think about public school and home schooling. This is a great conversation to have about our children, they are the future after all!

The Lar-zon Bunch

2010-02-21T20:29:00.000-08:00

Our version of "The Brady Bunch"
Here's a story of a feisty lady who was bringing up 4 very hyper kids, all of them were so high strung, just like their mother... except the second one. It's a story of a man named Dzierzon who was busy with two kids of his own. They were three kids living all together and they were all alone. Til the one day when the lady met this fellow... and they knew that it was much more than a hunch, that this group must somehow form a family... that' the way we all became the Lar-zon bunch, the Lar-zon bunch, the Lar-zon bunch. That's the way we became the Lar-zon bunch!

Our version of "Head, shoulders, knee's, and toes"
Head cold, sneeze on toast, sneeze on toast, sneeze on toast, head cold sneeze on toast, my poor runn-y nose. (Winter 2004)

The ABC's Margaret style...
A..B..Q..Z..mustard, ketchup, pickles, hamburger, bread, and cheese if you please, lettuce if you let us, mayo on top, onions and fries AND a sprite, I don't know my ABC's next time won't you eat with me?

ABC's Elisabeth style...(with some family help)
AC/DC we like you, your band is better than 2 live crew, we will listen when we wanna rock, please don't resuscitate when we are in shock. We don't know our ABC's because head banging is the cause of our disease.

DISCLAIMER....
Seriously NEVER listen to 2 live crew VERY BAD music with nasty lyrics =0

de-friending "friends"

2010-02-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

Okay so what is the politically correct way to "de-friend" a friend? And are there any real reasons to do so? I think typically people just take you off their friend list and hope that you don't notice, which let's be honest, unless you have like 300 people on your friend list and you don't care about most of them anyway, eventually you are going to notice!

I have actually had that most pleasant experience of pulling up my friends list and looking for someone I wanted to check in on and finding that I am no longer their "friend" although I see them almost every day at work and we talk as though we are "friends". I have thought of several reasons why I may no longer be their friend, which include:
they think I'm too smart...they think I'm too funny...they think I'm too pretty... well you get the idea.

Any way I have just de-friended some people for my first time and the funny thing is it wasn't because they were too smart...too funny... or too pretty. NOPE it was because they had too much MONEY!

I know, I know... I should be ashamed, but honestly I don't think they live in the same world as me or the same reality for that matter so I'm seriously wondering what on Earth could we have in common. Honestly... NOTHING so when I got tired of reading about how they were in Florida and then in New York and then in Hawaii and all kinds of other wonderful places ...well you get the point. I just decided contact with aliens is strictly prohibited. Whew... I feel sooo much better already!

So all you poor folk like me...and everyone else I didn't de-friend. I just have to say I LOVE YOU! thanks for being real ;-)

One flew over the cuckoos nest AND I just may follow...

2010-02-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

I know I have been gone for what seems like forever, but writing truly is therapeutic so I am back...

Many of my friends are aware of the trying situation I have been having with Dakota. I was totally amazed at how word spreads faster than fire around the neighborhood when a juicy piece of gossip slips from an innocent siblings mouth. I had no sooner got home from the hospital than I had people calling to find out if everything was okay and if they could help somehow.

Now don't get me wrong if no one had called I would have felt seriously abandoned and unloved... so thank you all for your love and support! But I can just imagine the telephone wires around my neighborhood buzzing with the news of Dakota's most recent incident, which is likely going to cost me thousands... say good bye to your education fund my dear. All those docs in the PICU will be sending their kids to college with it.

Now, I know people are just a bit curious and have good intentions, but I am seriously wondering when another family in the neighborhood will be taking our place on the stage. Dakota has decided that he has had enough of "drama" as he calls it, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was born into a family that knows nothing but drama, and if he has had enough he may have to disown us all and move to Siberia!

I read another blog tonight where someone wondered why a child "watching her in action" would choose to come to her family and have her as a mother and I have OFTEN asked my self the same question after some contemplation about my children. I think I have an answer. Its something like this...we were all in heaven and God took us aside one by one and showed us potential life situations and we watched with our innocent unknowing eyes and thought oh that won't be so bad. I can do that! Give me the toughest challenge so I can make you proud! And then we came to Earth and got our wake up call! Not that it is our parents fault at all, but rather that the mere fact of living in this world brings heart ache and uncertainty into our lives for the sake of learning and growth not just for our children but for us as parents. At this point I feel like I have learned QUITE enough and am ready for my vacation package I was promised at the end... I'm imagining nice warm beaches in some tropical paradise with a cool breeze and all the food I can eat, never ending strawberry daiquiri's (virgin of course), NEVER getting fat and absolutely no cares in the world ... "sigh".

So to that dear sweet friend who is contemplating bringing another child into this world I just want you to know that as a mother of six heartbroken and traumatized children, "I FEEL YOUR PAIN!" My favorite quote is from Mother Theresa who said, "I know God only gives us what we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much!"

a short story in the spirit of the season...

2009-10-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

I'm putting on my writing hat. How about a short story? I will write one in the spirit of the season.

First a little background...
Halloween originated from a pagan holiday which honored the dead. It was believed that on this particular night (October 31st) the boundaries between the spirit world and our world would be blurred. On All Hallows Eve people dressed up in masks so that angry spirits who would come out on the eve of All Saints Day would not recognize them. They also left treats for spirits to ensure a good harvest in the next year. If you are interested in reading more about the history of Halloween here are a couple of interesting links:
http://www.halloween-website.com/history.htm
http://www.novareinna.com/festive/symbol.html

Now on to the story...
The double doors loomed large and solid in front of her. They were hand carved with etched glass panels beside them. She reached for the bronze knocker and tapped it loudly several times. As she stood on the porch in the cover of night the door began to swing open slowly revealing a man who appeared to have lost his desire for life many years previously. She peered up into his hollow eyes with expectation as he motioned her to come in.

As she stepped in from the portico she took her jacket off and handed it dismissively to the man. "Where is he?" she asked with a genuine sense of eagerness. His reply was flat and disinterested, "follow me". He gave no indication of where he was taking her. She took a glance around the open foyer trying to let her eyes adjust to the surroundings. It was dark inside the mansion and only the moonlight streaming in through the lace covered windows gave light to the mausoleum like interior. This mansion was not familiar to her nor was the man that she was following, yet...somehow that didn't matter. He knew exactly who she was looking for and where to find him.

She peered up at the man as he ascended a large spiral staircase. It must have been carpeted because she couldn't hear his foot steps. He glanced back at her as if he instinctively knew she had fallen behind so she began to walk toward the unlit stair way.

As suddenly as she had taken a step toward the stairs she found her self standing in a corridor just outside a chamber where she imagined she would find who she was looking for. She waited expectantly as her guide began to open the hand carved, solid mahogany door. As she stepped into the room she looked around. There wasn't much more light in this room than there had been on the lower level, but she could see the moon shining brightly through the large french doors that led out onto a balcony. The bedchamber was furnished with fine tapestries and rugs, beautifully ornate hand-crafted solid wood furnishings including a four poster canopy bed and the finest silk draperies; which flowed softly in the breeze. Her long hair tickled her nose as it brushed against her skin softly.

Alarm shot through her as she realized that no one was in the room. She turned suddenly with dread pumping through her veins, thick like blood. The guide stated absently, "just lie down on the bed". He seemed unaware of her discomfort and turned to leave closing the door behind himself. She felt dazed and confused as she turned back toward the bed. It looked so soft and inviting, but she trembled with anticipation and fear. Lifting the downy soft coverlet, she began to climb up into the large bed. She lay on the bed listening to soft music, which hadn't been there before, and feeling the silky softness of the pillows beneath her head while a fragrant breeze ran across her face until...

The breeze began to pick up and was turning into a raging torrent of wind that seemed to be filled with an angry passion of it's own. The wind became so loud she could no longer hear the sounds of music lilting in the air. As quickly as the wind had picked up the bed began to turn and the floor fell away revealing a seemingly bottomless pit which surrounded her. Terror welled up inside her as she realized that the bed was no longer a place of comforting respite, but rather a thin slab of concrete just wide enough to accmmodate her thin frame. The cold, course concrete felt rough and un-giving beneath her back. She was laying on an alter!

She glanced around but couldn't see anything but the ceiling. All sides of the alter were surrounded by a deep dark crevice that seemed to lead all the way into some sinister dimension. There was no telling how far she would fall if she moved. She realized the wind was coming from the depths of the gaping crevice that surrounded her. She closed her eyes tightly praying that her guide would come back, find her and put everything right.

Panic welled up inside her like a sea heaving beyond it's bounds as she opened her eyes and saw a mist of darkness directly above her. It was cognizant of her fear and feeding off of it. This dark energy was taking pleasure in her misery and she was well aware it wanted to make her suffer. "I've got to get out of here!," she thought frantically. She could feel the terror trying to break free from her lips.

Although there was no where for her to go but down she leaned eagerly to the side of the alter and realized that not only was she no longer on an alter but she was on her own front room couch! She shook from head to toe, too terrified for sound to escape, she knew all she had to do was get off the couch and she would snap out of this terrifying reality. She knew this HAD to be a dream.

She could see the room she had fallen asleep in, the stereo still playing music she couldn't hear, the front room door, the window which let soft moonlight flood into the room. She could still hear the terrible wind that was gushing up around her. It seemed so loud and deafening, but she had no choice she had to get up to get away. As she moved to sit up she felt a hand around her neck and fingers tangled in the back of her hair. She couldn't get up she was trapped by this dark specter. She attempted to throw herself off of the couch by rolling her back leg over the front one to role off, but to no avail. The fiend had a steely grip on her and it wanted to hurt her.

Her mind raced and her heart was pounding ferociously. She knew she was going to die if she didn't get help fast. There was only one way to get out of this so she prayed and pleaded for a deliverer. "Please God help me!" she plead desperately. Over and over and over again she cried those words in her heart and mind until she noticed that the wind start to die down. Just as swift as it came it was gone and the soft music had played continuously in the background. It was the same song playing that she had been listening to in the strange room at the mansion.

She sat up suddenly with her heart racing and her throat dry to the point of pain. Tears started to stream down her face. She could still feel where the fingers had been wrapped in her hair and where the hand had held her throat. She quickly walked over to the light and turned it on eagerly then continued on to the bathroom. Her hands trembled as she splashed cold water on her face. As she was drying her face she looked into the mirror and felt astonished by her reflection. Her eyes were so dark they were almost black and her skin so pale she appeared to be an apparition her self. She ran her fingers over her face and down her arms. Her flesh was cold and she was shaking from fear.

She walked back to the front room where she had dreamt that horrible vision of evil. As she sat back down on the couch she looked around slowly wondering if the room she was looking at was real. She could feel pain, a tightness in her throat and the sensation of pulled hair. But how could that be? It had ONLY been a dream right?....

We had a piece of Heaven...

2009-10-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

In 2004 I was in the middle of earning a double bachelors at the University of Utah. I had been a single mom of four and had just remarried. My life was full of new beginnings and moving forward from some of the most difficult times I have ever endured.

I had been waiting for years to go back to school and be able to become self reliant. I wanted to get to a point where I never needed to lean on someone else financially again. This goal was my ultimate dream. It was my way to ensure that my children and I would never have to go with out because of someones bad financial decisions.

In the summer of 2004 not many months after my marriage I found out that I was pregnant. I was a mass of mixed emotions. Joy and delight with the idea of having a new person enter my family. Fear and reticence because I knew I was not in a position to support one more person and I was in the middle of trying to get my bachelors so I could improve my families financial position.

Looking back I recall sitting in the doctors office, receiving verification that I was expecting. I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears streamed down my face. It was the first time in all my pregnancies that I had a sense of hesitation and a desire not to be pregnant. How was I going to make it through school with another child on the way? How was I going to take care of her when I couldn't even take care of the ones I already had.

I had no idea that God was about to change my life forever. I had no idea that God had decided to send a piece of heaven in to my life even if it was only for a brief time...

Kendra was born on March 3rd 2005. I recall looking her over as she lay in my arms for the first time. She was so tiny, just 5 lbs 14 oz. I was amazed at the fact that somehow nature had seen fit to give this tiny little angel a double chin to match her grandmothers!

As I held her I looked at the shape of her face, her mouth, her nose, her arms and legs, her feet and her hands...As I ran my eyes across her hands laughter escaped me as I noticed how very square they were. They literally looked like little squares with one uneven edge where her finger tips were. I had no idea at the time how much I would come to absolutely love and adore those precious little hands.

I have two casts of her hands and I still look at them everyday and think how perfect her little hands were and how much I wish I could hold them again. One of Kendra's favorite things to do was to paint her fingernails. She liked pink but I loved red on her. She had the most perfectly shaped fingers and finger nails. When I painted her finger nails a particular shade of red they reminded me of cherries. We laid her to rest with a light shade of pink on her nails and a brand new tube of pink lip gloss in her hand. She was the ultimate girl and loved having glossy lips and painted finger tips. Lip gloss, fingernail polish and Barbie cartoons were her tools for passing the time while she spent two months of her life in a tiny room up at Primary Children's Hospital.

She couldn't leave her room; which was pressurized to keep the air from the hall way out of her room. The air in her room was filtered for her protection. Flowers were not allowed on the unit where Kendra stayed because they were invariably crawling with germs that could prove fatal to a child with no immune system.

As I contemplate my life I can't even imagine what my life would be like now if she had not come in to it. I didn't want to be pregnant when I found out I was having Kendra. I was filled with dread for how another child could prevent my progress. Now I realize how she helped speed up my growth and progress and I would give up EVERYTHING I own to have her back!

2009-09-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here thinking about the things I can do with my life...I can stay where I am at, a research assistant making barely enough to pay my bills and wondering how I will put food on the table next week, or I can get back into school and get a PhD in neuroscience and go on to study the human brain - an interest of mine since childhood. Imagine that! I must have been a strange child! Or I can scrap that idea and go for something I had considered previously, maybe go back to school and get a Masters in Public Policy. Or Maybe I could work on my writing skills and publish an account of my life. Heaven knows there are many people who have told me I should do just that. I don't know if they say that just because it sounds good or if they truly mean it, but I have thought about writing since I was about 13.

I could imagine writing about all my childhood trauma's and my adoring readers would feel so sorry for all the hardship I had endured. Can you imagine it? This young girl walking on the streets after dark to some long since forgotten destination dreaming of how she would word each sentence and phrase to bring out her readers most painful or bitter emotions. "Oh what an ordeal you have gone through!" they would think, and they would 'of course' pay tons of cash to read the next story about her childhood trauma's and enjoy the bliss of her strength in overcoming adversity!

Well teenagers really can be SOO mellow dramatic!!! After all it isn't like I grew up in the Gaza strip where I could see people being shot in the streets. Or like I grew up in the slums of New York fearing the next time I walk down the street will be the time I get mugged, or the ghetto's of California with gangsters doing drive by shootings on a regular basis. It isn't like I was sold into sexual slavery at 11 so that my family could eat. Honestly it really wasn't that bad at all if you consider what the kids of today are facing when they walk out the door to go to school everyday or even when they turn on the t.v at home.

I was told that in the junior high schools some kids will put drugs on candy and then give it to other unsuspecting children. Of course in my paranoia I immediately told Haley, "Don't accept candy from anyone at school!" I can only imagine what she must have been thinking when I gave her that advice. Maybe something along the lines of "okay, mom has really gone off the deep end this time!" But she just sweetly looked at me and smiled as if to say, "okay mom, I'm going to humor you for now."

In all honesty I think that my teenage years were kind of rough, more than they needed to be and I have given it some thought over the last little while as I have watched my oldest make choices that are so much less appealing than the choices I would like for him to make. I started to realize that my oldest is a heck of a lot like ME!! yep you heard me right, or read... but any way, Nathan asked me, "Rhonda were you like Dakota when you were his age?" I should have just smiled and with an innocent look said, "what? Me?" But I think he may have seen right through that so, of course, I told him that I had some challenging times as a teen.

I have a lot of "experience" in life and most of it is experience I think I could have done with out, but how do you tell a fourteen year old that they are headed down the same path you took with out totally turning them off or WORSE, pushing them along that dreaded path?? I sure haven't found a way yet. So I find myself bungling along making mistake after mistake, but I think I may actually be getting the hang of this "teenage" business! I am starting to think that the more my son calls me a jerk the better I am doing my job of raising him. He tells me to "let him live his life" Gosh I wonder where I have heard THOSE words before! I NEVER said anything like that when I was his age

So I sit here contemplating where my life is going and realizing I am where I am because of my past and it all gives me a nagging irritation with the repetitive cycles we as a society find ourselves caught up in. Why do some kids just HAVE to learn by experience when enough people have already experienced enough pain to last an eternity? If I had made better choices I could have already been in a position making three times or more what I make now and I could be doing things with my kids that I can only dream of right now. I can only hope that by some miracle something I do now will help my children make a better life for themselves than I have been able to make for them. I think that one of the wishes of every parent is that their children will end up at least a little better off then they were.

I believe it is never too late to turn your life around and make it more than what it is. I haven't figured out how I am going to move forward just yet but I know once I do I will just take off. I just need a little fuel to get me started! And hopefully with the example I have set my children will turn out to be healthy well adjusted adults who are able and willing to contribute something good to society.

Stand Tall

2009-09-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

Stand Tall
What do you say when you want to be funny but you aren't?
What do you do when you want to be pretty or smart?
How do you show the world all the good you have inside,
When all you really want to do is hide?

I see the world through many different eyes...
I hear your laughter and secrets and lies.
I know that you feel the same way as I,
A little bit lost, and a little lonely tonight.

Underneath it all we are the same,
We wish for love, for prosperity and even for fame.
We feel so weighed down we can't get off the ground,
We feel buoyant and high we soar through the sky.

We drift in and out we rise and we fall...
but after a while we learn to stand tall.
Remember who you are, remember your worth,
Because there's no one like you on all the Earth.

A wolf in sheeps clothing.

2009-09-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

This story is very close to my heart. It isn't meant to upset or offend it is just a rendition of a part of my life. Anyone who passionately approves of DCFS may want to turn back now...if not lets go for a walk down memory lane.

Some of you know about my drama with Division of Child and Family Services. (DCFS.) Let me tell you... their name fits them perfectly! (Divide the child and the family). Maybe I am being too harsh, because I know they have a new director who really wants to focus on keeping families together and maybe they are better at it than they used to be, but from what I have seen and know of them there were some who took pleasure in power tripping and dividing the child from the family.

I used to be CERTAIN that if DCFS took a child from their parents it was ABSOLUTELY in the best interest of the child. I had to learn the hard way that evil does exist and it likes to disguise it's self as a "caring, compassionate social worker." Now I am not saying I am a perfect mother, heaven knows I have made my share of mistakes, however, I can say I am a passionate mother and I have actually taken a physical hit for my children. I will go to the matt for them EVERY TIME!

For those of you who don't know the story, I am going to recount parts of it so you can get an understanding of why I am so adverse to DCFS as an entity and their tactics. Their "mission" and their "goals" seem to be a worthy enough cause, but they are SORELY under trained, under staffed, and under funded to be taking on the types of situations they are attempting to rectify.

I am able to recognize that there are good people who are working for "the Devil Corporation" aka: DCFS. I even know one person who was fired because she refused to lie about a family. So please don't think that I hate all people employed there. There are only a select few that I used to pray that God would strike them with boils that itched, burned, and oozed. And even those I have come to forgive...somewhat. Well I no longer pray for them to suffer. And I think I can manage to not feel anger toward them as long as I don't ever have to look at them again.

But anyway back to the reason for my prayers of vengeance. Julian was 22 months old and I had noticed an infection on his big toe. I had taken him to our pediatrician who had given me instructions to care for it and wanted to see him back in a couple of days. So that dreadful day I was preparing to take Julian to the doctor. My sister was with me that day as well as her son. I figured it would be a good idea to get a load of laundry going and some dishes put away before we left so I asked Jordan (my nephew) to put the dishes away, he was 7 at the time, and I went into the laundry room which was just off of the kitchen. as I was starting the washer I heard a whimper from the kitchen so I stopped to listen and then I heard an all out scream of terror! So I ran out of the laundry room and into the kitchen where I saw Julian standing in our kitchen sink with steam rising out around him.

Julian just before he was burned ~ 20 months

(This picture was used in the news broadcast I did about water heater safety)

I snatched him out of the sink, turned the water to straight cold and put him back under the cold water to try to stop the burn from going deeper. I called the paramedics immediately and as I sat on the phone talking I realized, "they're going to think I did this!" I knew in my heart that something really bad was about to come down.

We took Julian up to Primary Children's Medical Center. Once we were there various people came to ask me what had happened. I was so shaken by seeing Julian standing in scalding water I did my best to tell them what had happened as I remembered it. I stayed in the hospital with Julian for three days while they treated his wounds. He had second degree burns on his lower right and left legs, the tops of his feet, and the backs of his thighs. When I took him out of the water the skin on his feet and lower legs was hanging like huge blisters that had popped.

The nurses wanted me to change his bandages. I couldn't do it, every time I saw his raw flesh I was sick to the point of passing out. But the nurses kept encouraging me to give it a try so they could send him home. Someone had to be able to change his bandages three times a day before he could go home. I had NO IDEA what lay just hours ahead...

It was a Friday afternoon around 4:00 pm when a DCFS case worker along with several security guards came into the hospital room and informed me, "we have taken custody of Julian, and you need to leave the premises now"

I was in utter shock. I begged the case worker to allow someone from the family to stay. I told her "If you think I did this fine... I will leave, but please let someone that Julian knows, someone who wasn't there when it happened stay with him so he doesn't have to be in a strange place all alone." The answer was a solid and resounding NO. I went home worrying that Julian would be in pain and they wouldn't know or he would be scared and no one would be there to comfort him.

I was never informed that DCFS was going to court to get custody of Julian. The reason given for taking custody, I later found out, was "the child is in immediate need of medical attention and the father is incarcerated." I find my self asking why didn't the judge ask where I was at? Why didn't I get a chance to speak to the judge?

I find it appalling that our state can come and take custody of any child with out even telling the parent they have a hearing pending. Which was the first of many grievous acts of contempt against me. Of course they do have a mandatory 48 hour shelter hearing, to determine if removal was appropriate, at which my attorney failed to represent my interests or those of my children. He never told the judge that the doctors had investigated the burns and determined they were accidental. DCFS stated that there was an ongoing investigation and that due to the ongoing investigation they needed to take my other two children into custody because of "sibling at risk" They never bothered to tell the judge about the hospitals investigation or ruling either. Or that the doctors had already informed them that previous Friday (prior to them taking custody) that the burn patterns didn't correspond with the type of burns sustained when a child's leg is forcefully immersed in standing scalding water.

Many other egregious acts of abuse against my civil rights were carried out through the next several months. My rights to visitation were taken from me because "I couldn't protect my children from my ex" who had broken my nose in front of them, and because one of my children had (according to what the DCFS case worker told the judge) walked in and witnessed pornographic materials that my husband was looking at while I was asleep. Apparently one of the kids got up in the middle of the night and my ex was watching some smut show on the t.v. and he saw it. I still do not know if this is true to this day, but because I didn't stop these things from happening they claimed I couldn't protect my children. I think it is important to mention that my ex who perpetrated these acts never lost visitation rights. Does that make sense? Nothing really changed for him at all. He went to work all week as a truck driver, came home on the week ends and saw his kids- just like before.

The case worker also stated to the judge that I should not see my children because I was too "fragile" because of things that had happened to me as a child. So again because of someone else's acts toward me I could not see my children. On top of that the only way that the case worker could have found out about my childhood was if a therapist had breached confidentiality. Which is exactly what happened.

I was required to take my children to counseling with counselors that DCFS's chose not me. These counselors were contracted to DCFS. Doesn't that seem WRONG? If your not sure why I think it is wrong it's because if you are getting your paycheck from DCFS shouldn't it be a conflict of interest to be writing letters about a family you are treating to the court? How impartial is the opinion that is bought and paid for?

After breaching confidentiality to DCFS, either DCFS or the counselor again breached confidentiality when they required me to get a psychiatric evaluation and they told the person who was doing it all my past history. The funny thing was, this counselor that was chosen to do my psych eval kept telling me "you just need to trust your self and follow your own instincts." I kept thinking, "my instincts are telling me NOT to trust YOU!"

I was told that I had to have marriage counseling with Ryan before I could have my kids back, but I couldn't have counseling with him because there was a no contact order between us from when he broke my nose (this was also why he was in jail when Julian was burned). I told the case worker that I wanted to leave Ryan and she said "well you can't leave him because if you do you wont be able to support your kids so we can't give them back to you". This left me in a bit of a quandary as to how was I going to get my kids back if I couldn't do the counseling and I couldn't divorce him? I had to do a LOT of stuff to get the no contact order removed.

I never did tell them I had filed for divorce just prior to Julian getting burned. I decided I would just play their game and when they were gone that's when I would get out of my bad marriage. The funny thing is once I gave up on our marriage that was when Ryan decided he was happy with how things were going. He was getting everything his way and I was holding my peace and biding my time.

At one point I had completed all the tasks that DCFS had assigned me to do, such as group counseling and classes etc; so I thought I would be getting my children back, but instead the judge said to me "I know you have complied with the court order but I can't give them back to you yet, we just don't know what could happen if I do" I thought OMG!! they could keep ANYONE'S children for a reason like that! I was devastated I had done everything they wanted and they were still keeping my kids. I couldn't fathom it. The entire situation was so beyond my ability to comprehend. How could these people really think what they were doing was right?

During this entire thing I was hiding my pregnancy with Elisabeth, which caused a great deal of stress because I was terrified they would find out I was pregnant with her and then try to take her from me. When family preservation came in after I got the kids back it did get out that I was pregnant. I had let Dakota feel Elisabeth move and he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to say anything about it and well the cat was out of the bag at that point. That's when the case worker started to nit pick about details, when is the baby due? where will you have it? who is your doctor? I refused to give them any information at all. But I was under so much stress that a month before my due data I started to go into pre term labor. I spent a week in the hospital, but eventually convinced the Dr. I would stay in bed if he would let me go home. I needed to be with my kids at that point. So he did let me go with strict instructions I was not to do ANY THING besides get up and go to the bathroom. I stayed in bed a week and at that point I was only two weeks away from my due date so when I went into labor that was it she was on her way.

Once I got Elisabeth home I had to hide her and turn custody of her over to another family member. It was the most frightening time for me. I knew that if they took her I would never get her back. She was brand new and absolutely beautiful!

Elisabeth 4 months old

DCFS was in my life for one year and it changed me forever! It was 5 months with out my children, 7 months trying to get DCFS out of my life, and going on 8 years trying to undo the damage they caused to Dakota's self esteem, sense of belonging and safety. I used to walk around looking at the world through rose colored lenses. Although I had been abused as a child I still believed that all people are good. It never occurred to me that some people take pleasure out of seeing others suffer.

When this ugly situation was over and done one of the counselors called me into her office and during the course of that conversation she said something I will NEVER forget. She asked me, "Do you think we took your children away from you because you are a bad mother?" Of course that is what they had been telling me for the last year so obviously that HAD to be the reason. I said, "why else would you take a persons children?" It was a genuine question because in my mind there was NO other reason. I was completely bewildered by her response to me. She said, "No we never thought you were a bad mom. Every time we asked you to do something you were right on it. You did all the things we asked you to do. Most parents that lose their children to the state never even bother to try to get them back." I was shocked so I said "then why did you take my children?" She answered, "because we thought you needed to get the bigger picture." I never did ask what she meant by that. I was so astounded by the revelation that it never occurred to me to find out what exactly she meant.

I have thought about it and the only logical thing I can come up with is that they wanted me to know they have the power to do what ever they want. You know, I have learned that lesson so well. None of the attorney's I spoke with would go up against DCFS. They kept telling me "they are too big, just do what they tell you to do." I didn't know it then but I soon found out that DCFS is a government body with no checks and balances. How dangerous is that? And maybe your thinking well someone is looking over their shoulder let me tell you who that is...
1. Juvenile court judges. They make the determination of what happens with each child-not DCFS, however, they come to their conclusions based on what they hear from the Gaurdian Ad Litem, DCFS case workers, DCFS attorney's, and of course the over worked, under invested, court ordered attorney granted to each parent who ends up in the clutches of DCFS and the juvenile courts.
2. The Utah State Legislature. They hold an oversight committee that meets once a month. They listen to presentations that are given from DCFS administration, Juvenile court judges, and sometime from people who are interested in the topic of that particular committee meeting. The legislative body has the power to draft laws which could help reign in DCFS, but they are largely unaware of what goes on behind the scenes AND it takes an awful long time to draft legislation and pass it especially if it is a hot topic, which child abuse is!
3. The Guardian Ad Litem is an attorney which is appointed to speak for the children, however, these attorney's rarely meet with the children they are actually defending. My children never met with their Guardian Ad Litem. She listened to what the case workers said and based her opinions on that, letters from the counselors that were contracted to DCFS and one interview with me.
4. The Ombudsman's office has the power to carry out an investigation of any allegations made against DCFS. They have the power to "make suggestions" to DCFS. They have no administrative or punitive authority.

So who is making sure that these people are doing what they are supposed to be doing? All juvenile court hearings are closed to the public. I wasn't allowed to record or video tape any of my visits with the DCFS caseworkers or my children. The judge expressly forbade it. I would have thought they would want more evidence of my abuse...

In my case, DCFS never had to present ANY type of evidence for the things that they did. They just went to court and told the judge what they thought and the judge would grant them what they asked. They never even had to swear the oath.

Later I went to an administrative law judge where DCFS had to prove their case either with a preponderance of evidence, an eye witness, or a admission from me. DCFS had NO evidence that I had done any thing wrong. The police investigation determined Julian's burns were accidental, the hospital investigation determined them to be accidental and the eye witnesses, my sister and nephew told them it was accidental. The judge overturned all the findings by DCFS and said they were with out merit, but DCFS just wouldn't let it drop. Why? Because I needed to get the bigger picture... Hopefully my story will help everyone who reads it get the bigger picture so that you never have to learn it the way I did.

I would consider this year of my life, by far, the most painful time of my life, even after losing Kendra to cancer. I could write a book about this experience and everything I learned, but some of the biggest things I learned were that evil truly does exist and to always be on the watch for "wolves in sheeps' clothing".

My Darling Kids

2009-09-11T17:27:00.000-07:00

Dakota had Such looonng eyelashes and cute ears that stuck out. His eyes were so big and blue I used to look at him and think "oh how cute! he looks like Dopey." Can you see the resemblance?
AND just in case Dakota sees this, that WASN'T meant in a mean way at all... ; )
Isn't he just PRECIOUS? Of course he is!!
But for Dakota's sake I have to show you all what a handsome fellow he has grown into!

Haley used to tell me she was "spicy cold!" in the winter and afraid of the "unders" during thunder storms.

This could be a picture of Haley when she is "spicy cold" but...
It's not... She's jumping at the flash from the camera, SHHH... she just might still be afraid of the "unders".

Julian once said, "mom look at me! I am telepathetic!....as he steped on the head of a broom and bonked himself with the handle...

Elisabeth spends her time looking in the "mirra" "a" then looking in the "mirra" some more...

I have the most amazing kids in the world!! I am so thankful for them!

Married at sixteen...

2009-09-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

One of my friends commented about my marriage at sixteen. She was rather shocked that someone would actually allow their child to marry at sixteen. Well, honestly if it was my daughter, knowing what I know now, I would have handcuffed her and hid her in a dungeon or something extreme until she was 25. But that isn't what happened with me...

I never really intended to get married at sixteen. I honestly wanted to wait till I was out of high school and I believe that if I had done that I never would have ended up marrying my first husband. I have one word to describe him, "sophomoric". Now I know that word doesn't seem too bad, but seriously... if you have grown past your sophomore year and actually attained adulthood...being married to someone who is sophomoric is a very unpleasant business. (the definition of sophomoric is: "being over confident of knowledge but poorly informed and immature") Unfortunately he is STILL sophomoric - deep sigh-

I realize that a lot of people wonder why I married so young and I was often asked if I married because I was pregnant, well the answer is no. I didn't actually get pregnant until we had been married two years. But there were reasons why I was interested in marrying young, most of which made sense to a naive sixteen year old.

I remember the day that my mother met Ryan. He was actually 20 and I was fifteen. He came to the door to pick me up one evening sporting his stetson, tight fitting wranglers, and cowboy boots. His shirt was unbuttoned half way down revealing a chest full of hair and he had a mustache. I am sure my mother must have had something akin to a heart attack when she opened the door.

Later she informed me that I should not see this man because he was too old for me... (five years compared to a thirteen year age difference between her and my father) Of course, being the dumb, know it all, rebellious teenager I was, I basically informed her "sorry I'm doing this my way." Months went by with my mother complaining about his age and his "intentions". She was determined to break us up and of course I am thinking "mom are you CRAZY? he is out of school, he has a job, he can spend money on me...." you know all the things that would attract a juvenile...

SO my mother decided she was going to scare Ryan off. Her method was to tell us that we either had to break up or get married. So I -in my sixteen year old genius- tell my mother "okay we decided we want to get married!" I was absolutely sure that would freak her out and she would back off, but...I was wrong. She totally called my bluff. She wanted to know a when!

So there I was in the beginning of the tenth grade and planning a wedding. I thought life was going to be so much easier once I didn't have to answer to mommy. Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of an adult when you're in desperate need of it? (That is, in high school when you make all those life changing decisions about what you are going to do with the rest of your life.--college, job, marriage...)

So April came and so did our wedding. Honestly I should have had the marriage annulled immediately because something in me kept saying, you're going to out grow him. But I didn't listen. I kept telling myself "I'm on my way now" I have learned that I ALWAYS end up regretting not listening to my inner self, my intuition, or what ever you want to call it, always turns out to be right.

But being married was good at first, that is until I really decided to grow up. That's when things went south for us. My grades went from D's and F's to honor roll and stayed there through my entire high school career. I made the decision that I wanted a family and that meant I couldn't drink or smoke or do anything that would compromise a child I would carry. Besides I always felt guilty if I drank so I didn't do that often anyway. So I gave up everything that is considered harmful...well okay I kept drinking Mt Dew even though it is rumored to have twice the caffeine...But I changed my whole life style so that I could prepare to become a mother, I was about 17.

While I was in the 11th grade I decided it was time to start my family. I was thrilled with the idea although my guidance counselor kept telling me, "you'll never graduate" I knew I would and I was eager to show him I was not just a statistic. So I moved ahead with my plans to start a family. That really was where things went south. Ryan didn't care if I chose to stop smoking or drinking (he never was a big drinker) but when I decided I needed God in my life to help me raise my children and I wanted him to invite God into his life, well that was more than he wanted to take on. As far as he was concerned I could do what ever I wanted as long as I didn't force my ideals on him.

We actually lasted ten years. An amazing feat considering the difference in his mental state and mine. But I really believed that I had promised this man "through good times and bad" and that meant I had to put my whole heart into it. But eventually it was obvious to me that there was absolutely no future there and it was time to leave. It took nine years for me to be absolutely sure we couldn't make it together and another year to actually leave. But that is a story for another time.

The moral to this story is... NEVER sign the permission slip for your sixteen year old to get married. Tell them, "you can be engaged for two years and marry when you're 18". Chances are that even if they are saying it is what they want, deep down they are more than likely questioning if it really is what they want, AND if you give them a couple of years with their boyfriend they will more than likely wake up and see for themselves that he is not what they are really looking for and they will move on. I know I would have if I hadn't have said "I do" And the best part is...because you let them go ahead and date, you won't be the bad guy in the end, the boyfriend will!

If the truth be known...

2009-09-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today I had one on one time with one of the kids and after I had talked with her a while I asked her if anything was bothering her. She replied, "no, I already told you everything and the rest of it is private!" I was really stunned to hear her say something like that. She said "there are somethings that it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about" and I was sitting there thinking, man I have to find a way to help her feel comfortable talking to me!

Later I noticed a friend was on "hiatus" from her face book because someone had said something mean to her after she had written on her blogg. It made me start thinking about how I sit and wonder if I should write what's really on my mind and I will often start to write and then erase all of it in fear of what people will say or even what they will think.

After Kendra passed away I read a lot of books about near death experiences and often, if not in all the stories they stated that communication was done through the mind and no sooner had they thought something then the other person would respond to them. They stated that people could see everything about each other and there were no secrets.

I have often thought about this and wondered what it would be like if we had no secrets here in this world. How many misunderstandings wouldn't happen? How often would people be left suffering in silence? How many marriages wouldn't exist? How many that don't exist would exist? How many people who "hang out" would pick different friends? I can't help but to think if we had a window into each other and there was NO question about what the other person thought things would be REALLY different.

I know many people start to squirm and get uncomfortable with the idea of their secrets being revealed, or even of knowing other people's secrets, but I relish the thought of the truth being exposed no matter what it is. If the truth were really out there and everyone's intentions were out in the open I think our society would function completely different and I also think there would be divisions and people would flock to those who felt and thought similar ideas to them.

I remember walking down the street when I was a child and the thought occurred to me "no one knows what I am thinking, I can have a mean thought about someone and they wont know" I guess I may be strange, but I remember that being a total epiphany to me and it seemed really neat that I could "think" what ever I want and no one knows.

Maybe if we could really read each others thoughts we would be so disillusioned and we would wish we couldn't! It's gotta make you wonder...

The Brady Bunch Plus or Minus One

2009-08-30T22:58:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who's husband calls me "the Brady Bunch Lady" I really thought he didn't know my name until he actually said, "hi Rhonda" at his wife's birthday party a couple of weeks ago! In truth we really were somewhat like the Brady Bunch in the fact that we started out with 6 kids- 3 ~~monkeys~~ boys, and 3 girls. Later on we received the .5 child that the census claims every family has, which I will explain later.

It was somewhat interesting how it started out; Nathan had a boy and then a girl. I had a boy, then a girl, another boy and then a girl. So when we started out we had ages 9, 8, 7, 7, 5, and 2. Needless to say, I had my hands full!

My Brady Bunch

Now every family has a black sheep and if our family HAD to have one, it would have been my first born. I'll give you one guess which child he is... however, I have decided that because he is so awesome and I adore him with all my heart he is NOT a black sheep, he's more "speckled" and we are working on "bleaching out the black". Honestly he is my biggest challenge because he is my first born and I think all my biggest mistakes were made with him- through no fault of his own. He has a wonderful sense of humor and he is soooo cute that the girls FLOCK to him every where he goes. (That is a worry in it's self!) But this kid is so bright he was able to run the t.v and vcr at 2 and he knew which video went in which video case. He also knew what each video was by site. He spoke full sentences well before 2 and said large words like disgusting and actually in the proper context. I know that once his brain is "fully functional" he will be just fine!

My next oldest son, well he isn't my biological son and I only get to attempt to influence him every other weekend and every Monday afternoon. But he is a great deal like his father. He has a silly sense of humor and is a quiet kind of person. He loves video games, which I think I could live without but hey boys gotta have a little fun sometimes huh? I truly adore how compliant he is--Most of the time =)

My first daughter is a mini mommy. She is awesome! she is always willing to help and very concerned about the feelings of others. She wants to make sure I am happy and well cared for. I honestly can't believe I ever had a hard time bonding with her when she was born (absolutely no fault of hers, but that is a story for another time). Once I realized that she really needed me, and I made the effort to REALLY be her mommy she just blossomed into the beautiful person she is today. I know that she brings such a wonderful spirit to our family and this world.

My second daughter, along with my second son, only comes every other weekend and every Monday. But she has a soft spoken personality. She is quiet and reserved, but she is no dummy. I am always impressed by the things she is aware of. Maybe I shouldn't say this but, every time I think I would like to hire a hit man for her mother I realize it's okay I don't have to kill her. I only have to love her daughter and when her daughter loves me in return that is revenge enough. But honestly I pray that her mother will find peace because I know she is hurting inside. My daughter on the other hand is truly a beautiful girl, she has these AMAZING blue eyes and long, thick locks of golden hair. My first thought when I saw her was "wow she looks like a blue eyed blond version of her dad!" and that made me love her instantly.

My youngest son is a real live wire. I had never heard of a kindergartner being expelled from school but he was expelled twice in Kindergarten! He is one of those children who can make you want to pull your hair out. That is until we found out that he genuinely suffers from ADHD. I swore I was NEVER going to put my kids on drugs. That was for parents that didn't want to put their time and energy into raising their "energetic" kids. I was sure it was something I was doing wrong as a mother...until a doctor convinced me to "just give it a try" and if there was no difference I could take him right back off. After a few days on medication I was kicking myself and wondering why I hadn't given it a try sooner. It was a miracle! He could sit still for more than two seconds and those ear piercing squeals that he made incessantly came to an abrupt stop, he actually started to clean and organize his room and closet. That was when I called the Dr. and asked if that was normal. I think I could have saved my self early wrinkles and gray hairs had I decided to listen sooner! But honestly he is such a loving child and he is Sooo bright too. I know my life would be dull with out him.

My daughter who is (but isn't) my youngest daughter, that's where the plus or minus one and the .5 child comes in, is somewhat a miracle baby. And I thank God for her. She is my only brown eyed child (out of five!) She is a bit high strung but that is okay. I know that as soon as she finds herself and understands her self worth she is going to soar in life. She is a typical 7 year old who likes to play house and barbies. Her name actually means "Gods promise" and she really was the realization of a promise made to me in dark times.

So that leaves me with the plus or minus/.5 child...
My angel who lit up my life. She made me feel like I was so important, but she left us early in life and when she left my heart was broken. She was mine and Nathan's only child together and she lived until she was four. She suffered from Neuroblastoma (a childhood form of cancer) for half of her life. She spent two of her four birthdays in the hospital. But she never really let her illness get her down. She was an inspiration to EVERYONE that met her. She could steal your heart just by opening her mouth and speaking. (to hear the voice of a real Angel download the audio clip of a message she left for me at: http://www.storewith.com/account/imageviewm.aspx?fileid=491484 ). I tell everyone I know, "I understand why God took her from us, he missed her so terribly because she is so wonderful he just couldn't stand to be without her any longer so he took her home again after four short years." I believe this with everything I am.

For a better view of Kendra's obituary follow this link...

www.larkinmortuary.com/programs/DzierzonKendraWhole.pdf?...

To see some pics of a real Angel follow this link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=23925&id=1094358535&l=996e90014e

I thank God for every precious day I had with my little girl and I thank him for the days I have with my other children. I know I am so blessed and God must have trusted me SOO much to give me the precious children he placed in my care. How can I express my love for these precious spirits who bring so much joy, sorrow, love, frustration, and excitement into my life? It is such a bittersweet experience watching your children grow and develop. Seeing them learn from their mistakes (or not). I can't even imagine my life without them and I wouldn't want to. So even when we walk through the store and people turn and stare because our family is so big I just smile and know in my heart I have been blessed with the greatest gift that God could grant me in this life, my children, and I am so proud to be "the Brady Bunch Lady!"

This is all new to me...

2009-08-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

So, as you can imagine having a child die of cancer is a very surreal experience. Many people don't know what to say and I imagine many don't want to hear about it, but as a mother who has lost my four year old I think I will take the time to put my thoughts and feelings out there for anyone who is interested in knowing.

When I was in high school I got married at 16. WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!! Well to be honest losing a child is in some ways the same for me as when I got married at 16. Now I know your saying, "What?? She's totally wacked!" But hear me out.

So I get married in the 10th grade and leave for my honeymoon. The whole time feeling home sick like a little girl who has never had a sleep over before. And when I get back to school people are curious. "what is it like to be married?" Well folks, my life has never been what I would call "normal" but I say to them, "um I don't know, like normal." What the heck am I supposed to say? This life is the only life I know so that makes it "normal" to me.

So as time goes on I settle into my "married routine" I get up for school and I spend all day studying and I read novels in between classes and at lunch. Then after school I go home to a husband who is still sleeping because he works the grave yard shift. I wake him up, (because his mommy never taught him how to wake his self up) and we spend some time together just us....and the in-laws =) Of course we are living with the in-laws, he's 21 and I'm 16 and still in high school. We have dinner, sit around the boob tube watching British comedies. Mom in-law cooks for us all, husband goes to work, I do home work and read my novel again till bed time. This is pretty much it folks that was what it was like to be married in the beginning. No going out to bars or partying on the weekends, no "wild stuff." We went to the prom on our first anniversary. That seems so silly to me looking back, I felt so out of place we left early.

So now I am in this situation that is again somewhat novel to people around me, but we've all grown up a little and no one wants to come out and ask, "what's it like to lose your four year old?" Probably because people don't want to try to imagine what it would be like and also because they simply don't want to open any wounds for me. Instead there is this strange silence that permeates my life. While Kendra was sick there was always someone who wanted an update and there was always something to tell them, even if it was "things are still the same." But now she is gone and the drama of it all has gone with her.

As I sit here thinking about my life I realize just how alone I feel. How alone I have always felt. I think to my self "well I know that there are people who care about me" but I'm longing for something more, some real interaction.

Luckily, I have started to develop some friendships, which I know need a lot of work before I can say, 'hey I have a best friend', but I am grateful to know that at least people care even if they aren't sure how to be around me.

So I am thinking about these experiences I have had in my life and I realize, 'you know, this is all new to me just like it is new to everyone else' So I think to myself, 'since we are all beginners I guess we have to go out and try to live this life and learn from our mistakes. We should STOP being embarrassed about who we are and what is happening in our lives, and realize it's okay to get a little bit dirty in the process of learning.'

One thing I have learned is, people would LOVE to have you clean their house, but they don't want you to see the mess! What a strange paradox. However, I am typically the opposite I would gladly let someone in my house with out an appointment. So I am left wondering if my house is just so messy that people come to help and when they step inside they get so overwhelmed that they don't even know where to start? This gives me the urge to just start shoving things in the closets and hiding things so that my guests wont be overwhelmed, but what I really want to do is start sorting through all the things in my house with my guest because I am hoping they have the knowledge of what to do with each item we come across. Unfortunately I have found that usually my guests are simply overwhelmed and I am left to sort through the mess my self.

So the insight I have taken away is that where I usually thought of myself as weak or vulnerable, I have had to become strong to face the challenges that lie ahead and when others are overwhelmed by my mess, it's okay. They can walk away because they usually have a mess of their own that I don't know about and I can still get my house clean. It may take longer than I would like but eventually I hope I will be able to open all my closets and show everyone, I have nothing to hide.