Riders Ready

Fig Newtons

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 13:44:19 PST

They changed the packaging. For years and years, Fig Newtons were packaged in two cellophane sleeves. Lined up back to front, each Newton was spooning the one next to it. The package wasn't re-sealable; you just had to fold the ends over and know that the next time you came back to it, the first one would have a crusty shell. But it was OK. We survived.
Grape Nuts used to come in a package WITHOUT a liner altogether. Just a bunch of nuts running wild in a tightly sealed cardboard box (reminds me of my college living arrangements).
But the Fig Newtons at least had the sleeve - I guess it was put there to let you know when you were half done.
And every now and then, you'd notice that one of the Newtons had turned inside the sleeve. Just 90 degrees. Just enough to stand out. Just enough to make me appreciate that it had a little attitude. I mean, in a mechanized process that consistently places each cookie in the sleeve oriented correctly, it astounded me that one could find the energy to turn itself. Cheeky bastard. You go, man! Don't let "The Man" force you into conforming. Be your own . . . cookie.
Well, apparently Fig Newton got tired of individuality among its cookies, so it changed the packaging to prevent such behavior. They did it under the guise of "re-sealability", but we know better.

Unhappy Fans?

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:07:47 PST

Growing up in Detroit makes me a Lions fan by default. I'm not a bandwagon-type fan; I've been a casual observer for YEARS. I've been to only two games in my lifetime, and I've never owned/wore an NFL jersey. For years and years, my autumnal Sunday routine has always been to go for a long bike ride and then spend the afternoon watching the hapless Lions discover new and creative ways to lose. They've been consistent losers for my entire life having only 5 seasons with 10+ wins since 1960. A few years ago, they made NFL history by losing every game on the schedule.
This year, they turned the corner. They magically exceeded all pre-season predictions. They won 10 games and made it to the playoffs. They were exciting to watch. They had some thrilling moments. They also lost out in the first round of the playoffs.
And to listen to the sports talk radio shows in this town, you'd think they went 0-16 again.
First of all, I'm sorry to admit that I occasionally listen to sports radio. I only do it to feel smarter.
Everyone in this town - or I should say, everyone who made it on the air, had something biting and negative to say about the season. Everyone had suggestions on how to fix the problem. Almost every single caller (and host, for that matter) bitched and moaned and complained about everything under the sun. The defensive coordinator should be hanged in Grand Circus Park. They have no running game. They should trade the entire offensive line. Get a new quarterback. Trade Megatron. (Seriously, that was brought up a LOT.)
I never heard anyone say this: "it was an exciting season to watch, and that's all I asked for."
Nobody looked forward to next year.
Nope. The general consensus that I heard was that the season was a disappointment. It was a barrage of negative criticism that lasted the entire week following their collapse against the Saints.
Maybe that's just how football fans are in general. Maybe everyone is miserable except the team that wins the Super Bowl. Seems pretty sad to me that they're completely unable to enjoy the good things that happened in a record-setting year. What are you supposed to get out of being a sports fan if that's your reaction to a winning season?
Imagine if this is how bike racing fans felt during bike racing season. Imagine if every time Garmin-Cervelo (now Barracuda) lost a race.
"They need to trade Tyler Farrar."
"Vaughters needs to go."
"They need to clean house."
"What is the deal with VDV? Ever since his contract was extended, he's been phoning it in."
"Do you think they should get rid of Zabriskie and maybe to go after another time trialist?"
Shoot me now.
I'll gladly fly to France, stand along a road for 6 hours, scream at them as they roll past, and not give a damn who wins.
Once again, I think cycling does it right.

Taking a break.

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 18:13:56 PST

If I were to spin this story if I worked for, say, a government entity, it would go like this:
In an effort to allow my mind to fully refresh and recover from the intense thought that comes with completing two full books within a few weeks of each other, I have decided to take some well-deserved time away from the computer keyboard.
The truth (pictured) is a little less glamorous. I can't type very well.

Book #3

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:55:43 PST

I wonder how real writers\authors do it. How do they write books?
I'm guessing that they are much more efficient than I. They probably use something fancy like an outline or something. They probably go into it with some idea of the structure. I'm betting that they know what their book is going to look like long before they type the first sentence.
I have a very loose idea of the general look and feel that I'm aiming for when I start a book, but I don't even come close it with the final product. For instance, Roadie started in my head as a 25-volume set of humorous encyclopedias on the topic of bike racing but ended up as a thick pamphlet.
Book #2 (as yet untitled) started as a humorous "War and Peace" for kids. A 752-page romp through the cycling world through the eyes of a 14-year-old. But somehow 750-pages is a little ambitious for a romp, so I scaled it back to about the size of a thick pamphlet.
I was a little more realistic when i sat down to write Book #3. It began as a thick pamphlet which I stretched out (by enlarging the font) to something more hefty, about as thick as a Nikon owner's manual.
Stay tuned. It's a good one.
The process I use is probably wrong. I just write. And when I get to a certain number of words, say 60,000, I look at what I have and decide if that's long enough. If not, I keep going. When I reach a comfortable number of words, then I go back through and cut out everything that doesn't sound right. It's a lot easier than you might think.
Oh sure, I jot down some notes. I have certain points that I need to hit, but otherwise, it's just a challenge to see how many words I can get into a single Word document. Then cut some out.
Book #2 was a narrative story, so I should have had some idea of where it was going. I didn't, but I should have. We'll see if the publisher notices.
Book #3 is more like Roadie, a collection of humorous lessons, thoughts, and anecdotes on the topic of relationships.
Yep, you read that right.
It's short by design. I stopped writing when I reached 20,000 words (approx. 80 pages) and then trimmed it back to about 19,500. Amazingly, I could only find 500 words that didn't sound right.
If you notice the books in the humor section of your local bookshop (if it hasn't been boarded up by now), you'll see that they're pretty small. Many of them are the size of a Nikon owner's manual. Mine will fit right in.
Now while I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear from VeloPress regarding Book #2, I'm beginning an even tougher process of finding a publisher for #3.
Stay tuned. Should be a fun 2012.

Book #2

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:59:23 PST

When I sat down and wrote Roadie, I had no plans to become a writer; I still wanted to be an astronaut or a game show host. I only wrote it to see if it could be done. Seriously. I didn't look any further than getting it on store shelves. But then it did well. It won the Michigan Notable Book award in 2009. It sold. Suddenly, I found my calling.
So, what next?
I had a couple of conversations with the people at VeloPress about what the next project should be. I suggested a cycling-related book that they had no interest in. Apparently, a romantic comedy western wasn't on their radar. Instead, they wanted a book aimed at younger readers. The 'tweeners'. Apparently, there's a shortage of sports books for that age group. Supernatural vampire ghost romance novels?? Plenty. Sports? Not as much.
On top of that, VeloPress has had a difficult time cracking the young reader market. It's a hard audience to write for, but a lucrative market to tap into.
I, as I tried to warn them, know absolutely nothing about the 'tweener demographic. Zero. I'm not even sure if I'm spelling it correctly.
This, then, is a match made in heaven. Together, we'll go far.
So I set off to write a fictional story. Starting with a very daunting blank page, I had to develop a story line, create characters, develop a conflict, add a subplot, tie it up nicely, and make it reach an audience I know nothing about. The only thing I had in my favor was that it would be centered around the sport of bike racing. That's it.
I submitted a very weak first draft, and received three pages of notes from the publisher. I took it back and changed everything but the font.
I just completed it on Monday. Sent it to VeloPress, and am now waiting to hear if they're going to buy it or pass on it. No guarantees. It might end up in a dumpster somewhere.
Let me give you a TV Guide-style hint of the story line: a kid who lives for football discovers bike racing by accident and becomes hooked by the end of the book. There are no supernatural occurrences, no vampires, and no pirates.
Now, let me share a little about the writing process (in case I'm never asked to speak at a book signing). I went on long bike rides without my iPod. That's the secret to uninhibited creative thought. When I listen to music, I get distracted. When I don't, I can think much more clearly. As such, I do my best thinking on the bike - constantly dumping ideas into my voice recorder app.
The creativity ebbs and flows. I went through periods in which I couldn't stand to look at it. And I went through periods where I couldn't type fast enough.
We'll see how it goes.
While I'm waiting, I'm working on Book #3. It has nothing to do with cycling. It's a humor book on relationships.
You see, I'm a bit of en expert ...... on humorous relationships.

Cinelli launched her career.

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:24:40 PST

Take a look at this photo. Tell me what TV show she starred in.
I was a freshman at Northern Michigan University. My major was broadcasting. My minor was photography. One of the class assignments was to photograph people, so I asked her to be a subject.
Let's back up... How did I meet her? I met her in the dormitory dining hall. Van Antwerp Hall was full of geeks and gomers. Luckily, we shared the dining hall with Hunt Hall which was full of normal and attractive people. (How does that happen?)
I had seen her many times before and had been looking for my opening for weeks. Then one day she showed up at dinner wearing a ... you're not going to believe this... it really was something special... if you're a male cyclist, you would have reacted the same way I did... she was wearing a baby blue, wool Cinelli jersey.
Hot? Are you kidding me? It was a long-sleeve wool jersey. Wearing that indoors was, yes, probably very warm.
Oh, you mean HOT? Yeah, I knew that's what you meant. Though it hung on her like a shower curtain, it was still the most alluring thing I'd ever seen. Seeing my chance, I sat down at her table and struck up a conversation. (Thankfully, I didn't trip and fall on my way across the room. Though I do remember my legs feeling somewhat rubbery.) Well, since this happened in 1983, I don't really remember what pithy remark I opened with, but it must have been a classic. She was kind. We hit it off right away. (As it turns out, the jersey belonged to her dad.) And when I needed a subject for my photo class, I asked her.
She was studying something thrilling like accounting or finance at the time. But after this photo shoot, she changed her career path. (It must've been something I said.) She followed her boyfriend to Minneapolis. Met Prince. Starred in a music video. Moved to L.A. Got a part in the first Lethal Weapon movie. That's about the time that I lost contact with her. I moved on to bigger and better things while she moved on to much bigger and much better things. Eventually she got a regular part on Cheers as Woody's girlfriend, Kelly Gaines. I could see her on Thursday nights on NBC, except for the fact that I didn't own a TV.
Oddly enough, it all started because of Cinelli.
And that, my friends, is a true story.

Lions Fan

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 18:17:51 PDT

Is it me? Or does the lake that I row on look vaguely like the Flanders Lion?

Thwarted by Salmon

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 17:31:59 PDT

My foray into the sport of 'cross racing was pushed back a week due to a bunch of fish.
Huge salmon were running on the Platte River (located at the tip of the pinky of Michigan),
and I wanted to see them.
Stand Up Paddling is a riot by itself. But paddling down a swift river full of huge fish making their way upstream in large number is something that you MUST try once. It was worth setting aside a September weekend to do even if it meant missing the first races of the season.
I'm not talking about a few fish here and there. I'm talking about hundreds of salmon waiting to be let past the weir. You can almost walk across the water on their backs. The river was black with fish. It's amazing to see.
There will be 8 other weekends of racing. But there is only a short window of opportunity to see this natural phenomenon take place.
The fish have all gone upstream now. I'll see you at the race this weekend.

'Cross Connection

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:11:28 PDT

I won't say that the recent cyclocross clinic was scuccess, but I will admit that during my short bike commute to work this morning, I did four dismounts.
If you know anything about me by now, you know that I'm a Roadie through and through.
But I'm finally starting to dabble in cyclocross. Not because it's the hottest trend in competitive cycling. Not because full of drunken spectators ringing obnoxious cowbells. In fact, I'm not really sure what compels me to go this route. Perhaps I'm doing it for the reason it exists: to keep my fitness level at a decent place until ski season comes.
It took me a while to warm to this faction of cycling.
Here's a sample for you uninitiated readers:

For a long time, I didn't 'get it'. I mistook it for a serious attempt at bike racing. It is, but only to the first few riders who actually have a chance of winning. To the rest of the pack (where, behind which, I will reside), it's just a self-motivating, limit-pushing, fitness-keeping, leg-burning, back-breaking all-out effort that has moments of fun interspersed with tunnel vision amid the sound of cowbells and hoots of encouragement from strangers.
In short, it's a Roadie's rendition of mountain biking.
I will keep you posted as to my progress. I'm coming at it with only a modicum of experience.
So far, I've participated in a clinic (to learn the basics), and half of a race (to humiliate me). While I won't say that I'm hooked yet, I will say that I'm glad that I've finally put my preconceived notions behind me.

Found some new stuff.

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 18:21:02 PDT

Writing a new post. Not ready yet.
In the meantime, here's a fun video from Pogo:

Pogo takes video clips and cuts them into audio clips. For example, here's what he did to Mary Poppins.

Click here for a quick note on who Pogo is. Pretty amazing talent.

Team Sport

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 14:53:43 PDT

In my book, "Roadie - The Misunderstood World of a Bike Racer", I point out the fact that bike racing is one of the only sports in which you will find more than two teams on the field of play at one time. Also, it's one of the only sports on the planet in which you will see teams working TOGETHER. And in that same best-seller, I toy briefly with the idea of having four teams in a baseball game at the same time. I don't know HOW it would happen. Surely, someone would get beaned.
While announcing at last weekend's USAF CLassic in Arlington, VA, I once again blurted out the idea of multiple teams taking part in one game. I suggested a football game involving four teams.
Well, during a slow day at work today, I put designed the field.
Now all we need is a rule book and a brief explanation of how it works. Feel free to offer up your own rules of play.
One team kicks off to the other. The receiving team can return the kick-off in one of three directions. Let's say that a Tarheels player receives the kick-off and turns North and heads into the Goobers' territory. He gets tackled by a Goober - for the sake of argument. Now, would the first play from scrimmage see the Tarheels vs all three teams? Or would one of the other teams help out on offense? If so, which team? And what if they catch a pass? Can they hijack the ball and make a run for someone else's end zone?
In cycling, teams will form allegiances while the race is underway, and those allegiances can be nullified instantly. Football players should have to deal with the fickle nature of such allegiances, too.
Oh, this could be a fun experiment. I need 43 volunteers to meet me at the high school field.
Any marching band directors reading this: you are free to design a halftime show using this configuration. However, don't take this to band camp in August. The stadium has not yet been built. We're still waiting for a land purchase to be approved on the Detroit waterfront before we break ground.
Feel free to speculate in the comments box on the rules of the New NFLx4

On Stage

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 16:50:06 PDT

Racing is exciting. Especially the last few laps. Especially when a breakaway is caught in the last few laps.
Today at the Clarendon Cup in Arlington VA, the Clarendon Cup ended in a flurry of activity including a last minute catch of two escapees (Patrick Moren - Amore & Vita and Jackie Simes IV - Jamis Sutter Home).
Our job as an announcer is to make it crazier by yelling a bunch of stuff really loudly over the P.A. Most of what we say should be true and accurate, but it's
Richard Fries and Brad Sohner did all the work. I just rang the bell and captured the scene in Blue-Vision for your viewing pleasure.

Say hello, by the way, to Maurice on the sound board at the beginning.
And that's the president of Arlington Sports, Rob Laybourn scampering out of the way right before the final sprint.
A peek at the chaos that is a bike race.

Pre-Race notes

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sun, 22 May 2011 08:23:19 PDT

The safety record of the Amgen Tour of California is remarkably clean. When you think of the logistics involved in rolling 1000 people in 200 vehicles across 1400 miles of road past a million spectators standing on the side of the road, it's surprising how safely they do it.
So far, we've had a few minor incidents involving spectators and staff. One problem is that the spectators who ride up the mountains to watch the race lose control of their bikes when they ride back down after the race. So we've had a couple of accidents like that. We had one heart attack by a spectator along the route. Those aren't on our record. We also had an incident with a TV camera boom hitting a car. That one's ours.
Our risk management consultant has been traveling with us all week, and he said that the biggest risk that we generate stems from sleep deprivation. Many of the crews who are building each day's venue are working 18-hour days. They're actually urged to nap when they're not working.
Prior to every stage of the ATOC, the drivers in the caravan get briefed on the day's course. We're alerted to where the spectators will be, where the rough road is located, and where the tricky descents are.

Speaking of tricky descents, we went over the top of Mt. Hamilton (just east of San Jose) earlier this week. The general rule in mountain stages is this: get over the top and go like hell to the bottom. We can't have any delays on the way down because the race can sneak up on us very quickly. So look out below! We have a closed road with a police escort for about 20 miles of descending. This is why I sign up for this job.

Rumors

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sat, 21 May 2011 06:31:45 PDT

Here in Solvang, they have a special place for you to sit when discussing rumors:
The humor in that photo, for you non-inner circle types, is that here in the tourist town of Solvang, CA is where we got wind of the latest bombshell in the Lance Armstrong Doping Debate. I have never seen so many surprised looks on people faces at the news that longtime Armstrong lieutenant George Hincapie has testified in the investigation. Tyler Hamilton had launched a salvo earlier in the week. No one was too blown away by that. But when George spoke, the cycling world listened.
Now we sit and wait.
This post is not going to discuss the inner workings of the case.... yet. My job is only to point out the humor in the photo above. And to let you know that more news is most assuredly coming.

A Day in the Life of the Mobile P.A.

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Thu, 19 May 2011 17:15:50 PDT

Just an example of what we do on the road during the Amgen Tour of California.

Top Billing

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Mon, 16 May 2011 17:58:07 PDT

We were supposed to start today's stage at Squaw Valley, but more snow up in the Sierras forced us to move things down into the foothills in Nevada City. )There was ice in the shadows on Route 20. Not to mention some awesome scenery. It would have been a gorgeous stage, but safety remains the priority.) Nevada City was an obvious choice for an alternative launch site, really. We started the Tour there last year, and they have a long history of bike racing there.
In less than 12 hours, Nevada City put together an amazing party. They rerouted the course a few miles to pass through downtown, they secured a million intersections, and came out in force to provide an awesome send-off for this event.
Absolutely amazing. Could your town do that?
I got really lucky today, too. I got the call at 9am that I'd be handling the Start venue all by my lonesome. That means that I had the opportunity of a lifetime interviewing the likes of Thor, Andy, George, Christian, and a bunch of others.

That's Andy Schleck of Leopard Trek answering some probing question that I had posed just moments ago.
So we finally got to racing, thanks to the folks of Nevada City.
All in all, a really fun day.

Amgen Tour of California

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sun, 15 May 2011 15:41:24 PDT

This is what we woke up to find this morning:
Hello from the Ritz Carlton in North Lake Tahoe, CA. (I just had to throw that in.) Stage One of the Amgen Tour of California was cancelled today due to unsafe conditions - or as we Michiganders call it: normal riding conditions for most of the year.
We were actually starting to roll when the call came through. 5 minutes before the actual start of the race, the California Highway Patrol, Media, and VIP cars began to roll slowly out of town. We were the talking to the crowds from our Mobile PA vehicle as we rolled along. Everything was going well until the radio crackled with the disappointing words: "Stand by for an announcement." We paused in the road at a standstill. The crowd knew something was up. "Today's stage is cancelled." We turned around and headed back to the barn making the announcement as we went.
It was the right call to make. Unfortunate, but it had to be done. For you doubters in the room, here's some video that I shot just 30 minutes ago on the route.

With the recent death of a rider in the Giro d'Italia, now was not the time to be cowboys and try to race it. The conditions appeared to be improving when we took a lap of the course at 9am. In fact, the sunlight and clouds were creating an amazing backdrop. At 1pm, the pavement was dry. At 2pm, all he'll broke loose again.
I feel badly for the construction crews who were out at 4am building the venues in a snowstorm and for the people along the route who were out there waiting for several hours. They were huddling together in campsites set up on the KOMs (King of the Mountains climbs). The temps were in the upper 20s. The winds were HOWLING. Yet, these bike race fans were camped out and ready.
We're packing extra provisions for tomorrow's stage which goes over Donner Pass.

8am Rides are for the birds.

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 06:20:51 PDT

My sister said that she saw a group of riders on a road near her house on Saturday morning. She wondered if I was in that group.
"What time?" I asked.
"I was on my way to work, so it must've been around 8:30am."
Oh, hell no.
It's April 30th. At 8:30am, the temperature was 37 degrees. Later in the day, it's going to be sunny and 65. Am I the only one who thinks it's absurd and ridiculous to ride when it's cold on a day that will eventually be warm?
We've been wearing three layers since November. Finally, we have a day that will only require one layer. Why would you mess with that? Why would you willingly hit the road wearing full gloves and a thermal helmet liner?
One argument I've heard is: if you ride early, you have time to get house work done later.
Another argument I've heard is: there's less traffic at 8am.
Listen up, you fools:
1. There's less traffic... for about an hour. And your ride continues for three more.
2. Riding produces a wind chill making it feel COLDER. Working around the house, doesn't (unless your fertilizer spreader moves at 20mph). Do your house work in the morning when it's cold.
3. If you ride long and hard like you're supposed to, you shouldn't have the energy to do those chores. That's the best part of the whole design: you ride so hard from noon to 4pm that you're forced to sit on the couch and watch golf from 4pm to 6pm. Why would you mess with that?
You might see me out at 8am (unlikely) if it were 80 degrees in the morning with a projected high temp of 120 in the afternoon. But you will never see me in a group that rides at 8am.
Feel free to leave a comment telling me how refreshed and revived you feel after your morning ride at 37 degrees, but I'll remind you that you rode indoors on your trainer all winter when you had several opportunities to feel revived and refreshed with cool temps.

What is it that makes people hate us?

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 17:13:29 PDT

I was riding along minding my own business, the story begins.
On a four-lane boulevard. Sunday afternoon. Very little traffic. Almost none. I have a huge tailwind, so I'm cruising along.
As I pass through a green light, a shiny new Lincoln pulls up to the intersection from my right. The driver looks to his left and sees me coming. He hesitates at the red light. If he had to wait a full second I'd be surprised. I was past him very quickly.
He pulls out after I pass, and he takes the left lane. He passes me without incident.
He gets stacked in the queue at the next red light. I catch up. He's #3 in the left lane. I'm #1 in the right lane.
Once we get past the red light. everyone in this queue is going to make a "Michigan Left". Not me. I'm going straight.
So far, we're all behaving ourselves nicely.
The light turns green, and we all proceed forward. Actually, I go forward, and they move into the center turn-around lane/taper.
Then I hear someone laying on the horn.
Immediately, a cyclist is trained (through past experience) to think one of two things: 1. It must be a friend that's giving me shit, or 2. Am I in danger? Personally, they come in that order to me. Some people may do them in reverse order. I contend that if someone has time to honk, I'm in no danger. (It's the dog that doesn't bark that bites.)
I look over my shoulder and see that I'm all alone on this two-laned boulevard. And the guy in the Lincoln is now flipping me the bird.
Perfect.
I laugh. It's funny.
(What does that gesture really mean? It's the most over-used, worthless gesture known to man. It ranks dead last among all gestures. Among my favorites are the "knife-to-the-throat" gesture that means: you're going to pay for that (though probably not with a knife because I hate the sight of blood). I also like the "pointing-at-my-eyes-then-at-you" gesture that means: I'm watching you. - Do people who wear glasses use four fingers to point at their eyes? They should, right? - And finally, I love this one: point two fingers at the ground and swing them back and forth slowly. This one means: you'll hang for that.)
I'm following all the rules of the road. I've impeded no one's movement. I'm not an issue to anyone in the world at this point. But he had to express his unhappiness with me.
Of all the reasons that we find to hate each other today - and believe me, people love to hate - some people just do it for the sake of doing it.

Chamois cream?

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 16:03:58 PDT

I am dead set against the use of chamois cream. I'm also dead set against the NEED for chamois cream.
My club's clothing manufacturer produces a pair of shorts with a chamois so rough it could strip paint from patio furniture. (For all you non-cyclists in the audience, the chamois is that padding sewn into our shorts that makes our shorts feel like a diaper when we're standing. They're also supposed to buffer us from the constant friction when we're pedaling.)
When I asked my teammates (loose interpretation), they all seem to agree that the shorts are comfortable, but that you also need to use a cream of some sort. It boggles my mind that a majority of riders willingly accept this as normal.
Call me 'old school', but I prefer the days when actual chamois was used. Today, everything is synthetic. No problem, but can't we synthesize something that is more butt friendly? When did clothing manufacturers decide that it was OK to make shorts with abrasive pads in the arse requiring the use of a cream with the stupid name of DZ Nuts or Butt Butt'r?
I recently tried to buy a new pair of shorts, and the sales person handed me a tube and told me, 'you'll need some of this'. Oh no I won't, sir. Not at $18 for four ounces, I won't!
So let me get this straight. Now I need to purchase - at regular intervals - a tube of this slimy crud and apply it to my jibblies and hidden quarters prior to EVERY ride? And wash it off my hands?
No thank you. I refuse to add yet another step in the dressing process.
So let me ask you: which camp do YOU reside in? Am I the only one who finds this to be completely stupid?

I'll Go On Record As The First Person To Suggest It.

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 18:05:36 PST

During the week following the Super Bowl, there was more talk (around here, anyway) of the 2-minute Eminem/Chrysler spot than any of the game highlights. Em cruising around Detroit in a black Chrysler 200 while the VO spoke of the Motor City's work ethic. Nationally, I think the spot was well-received. Locally, it was a rallying point for the comeback of the century that we're all still waiting patiently for. The spot sure did stir the hearts of Detroiters who haven't given up on the dream.
For those of you who were in the loo when it first aired (or maybe you just tuned out once you saw a Super Bowl spot without a talking dog), here's the spot:

The past few years in Detroit, the question has been: how do we re-energize the City without relying on the auto industry? It wasn't long ago that Chrysler was literally minutes from death. GM was lying on the table under a sheet. Ford was ... doing 'just OK'. The City was asking: what will be the next industry or "the next big thing" to bring Detroit back among the living?
Bio-medical has been tossed around as the next great savior of the 313. Alternative energy has been tossed around. Urban agriculture has also been .... OK, stop laughing. That's a real idea. I'm not making it up. Mayor Bing has openly asked for ideas on revitalizing his City, and now has to deal with a collection of Robocop freaks. Seriously, they're looking for ANY idea that will work. And as a result, there's no unified movement in any single direction here. We are collectively grasping at straws.
So what's my straw? What do I know?
I remember Atlanta in 1987.
It was a pit. It was a crime-ridden and drug-infested mess. Not the shining star of the South as it is today.
And then they did something crazy and insane: they bid on the Summer Olympics.
Ballsy move by Billy Payne and Andrew Young. But it paid off.
Suddenly, the City had a unified direction. A goal that everyone seemed to finally agree on and comprehend. Instantly, there was a deadline for success, and everyone knew what was required of them. It wasn't easy, but they got there.
The short term economic impact was estimated at $5.14 billion. Atlanta changed dramatically as new sports venues were built, park space was created, sidewalks and streets were improved, and housing patterns were altered.
Downtown received several tangible legacies from the Olympics. In addition to an improved pedestrian environment, preparations for the games included the construction of new housing and the conversion of existing buildings into lofts that gave the city a twenty-four-hour population helping to reverse several decades of decline.
Mostly, though, it made ATL an international player for years to come. A city with a greater self image and a city with an ego that it certainly didn't have in 1987 when the idea was first uttered.
If you want one word with magical power, it's the O-word. People of all ilk instantly know what it means without further discussion.
World Cup Soccer? It's one of the "mega-events", but it requires an explanation. World's Fair? Ditto.
But everyone knows the O.
And you'll know who believes in Detroit by whether or not they laugh when they hear it.

Worst Athletic Day Ever

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 13:06:44 PST

It took me 50 years to find it, but I found it.
The worst athletic experience of my life happened Saturday at the Cote Dame Marie Loppet, a 30k xc ski race.
This story actually begins a week in advance of the event when I started my annual winter weight loss program. With no intention of racing on Saturday, I cut my caloric intake by a fair amount. Not an unhealthy amount, just a fair amount. Then, on Thursday, my friend, Bonnie, strong-armed me into registering for the CDML. I've been skiing pretty well this year, so I decided to do it. Unfortunately, I didn't really notice that it was a 30k event. It didn't even register in my feeble little brain.
The weekend comes. The thermometer bottoms out. It was 9 degrees on Friday as I was in my basement frantically putting on the right wax. Tomorrow's race would be held on the kind of snow that squeaks when you walk on it. The ice crystals are very sharp and unfriendly. They make a special wax for this. You just have to be on top of things and prepare yourself. You see, half of your success in ski racing comes from matching the right ski wax with the current snow temperature. The other 90% is technique. Another 147% is in strength and endurance. That adds up to 287%. According to my public school math, 287% is about right. If you choose the wrong wax, you're sunk.
I was in a hurry because, like the character in my upcoming book, I procrastinate wildly. I had just enough time to put ONE coat of wax on my skis. One very thin layer of wax for very cold ski conditions. File that info away. It'll come into play later.
It was a balmy 6 degrees with a brisk wind when I arrived at the race site. I registered, got dressed, and skied a few kilometers for a warm up. Uneventful, so far. I was properly dressed for the weather. No problem.
I arrived at the start line with plenty of time to spare: almost a full ten seconds. Yes, I was late. As such, I found myself at the back of the 120-man field. So that's 120 people who timed their warm-up correctly. And me.
Moments later, we were launched onto the trail system. Moments later, I was in deep oxygen debt. I managed to pass a few slow starters quickly. Perhaps they were frozen to the ground. It's possible.

I'm at about 1:26 into that video. I'm the guy who appears to be carrying an invisible piano.
Everything was fine for the first few miles. I was passing some skiers and getting passed by superheroes, or people dressed as superheroes. (Ski outfits are hilariously more hideous than cycling uniforms. That's quite an accomplishment.)
We reached the first big hill, and that's when my muscles informed me that they were A. underfed, and B. under-prepared.
I muscled up the hill and pressed on only to find bigger hills. That's funny; when I ski this trail any other day, it seems a lot flatter.
We would be doing two 15k loops. I would see these hills again later, and they would somehow grow and become steeper between now and then.
My world came crashing down at the 13k mark. My nutrition caught up to me, and all of my wax had been scraped off. One thin coat of wax doesn't last long when skiing on razor blades.
Good news: I still have eleven miles to go.
Moments before the race started, I sucked down a PowerGel with 2x caffeine thinking it would help me. All it really did was left me awake enough to be aware of what hell I was living.
I had the presence of mind to wear a belt pack with a water bottle filled with Gatorade. When I tried to drink from it, I discovered that it was now a worthless block of ice in the shape of a water bottle. Dead weight at this point, but I'm not going to throw away a perfectly good bottle. I'm awake enough to know better.
I also wore an iPod in this race which is now working against me. I programmed the wrong music altogether. For some reason, I had Ravel's Bolero in the mix. Those of you who know the piece will find humor in the fact that I did NOT crescendo as the piece progressed. Instead, I decrescendo'd rapidly.
One ski in front of the other, man. Ignore the music:
Beatles: I Feel Fine - bullshit. No I don't.
Coldplay: Cemeteries of London - sounds inviting.
Jean-Yves Thibaudet: Your Hands Are Cold - No shit they're cold. Every part of me is cold!
Queen: Don't Stop Me Now - Oh, please. Stop me now.
Arcade Fire: No Cars Go - great song, but I was changing the lyrics to "no skis go"
It was a slog (noun [usu. in sing. ] a spell of difficult, tiring work or traveling), and that was just the first lap.
At some point, I was passed quite quickly by a younger skier. Now I was cursing my age. this is obviously a sport for younger people. Who am I fooling? When am I going to learn?? Who in their right mind does this at age 50?? When can I retire from sport? ( Please make note of this comment. It's related to the punchline of this story. )
With no wax left on my skis, I was unable to coast or glide down the hills. Ponder that thought for a moment? I have ten more miles to go.
And then I bonked.
So that's the story of my worst athletic day. Plenty of lessons learned. Plenty of new depths discovered.
I quickly packed the car and drove away feeling old, tired, and out of shape. I drove home in a state of disgust and self-loathing. I drove home on heated leather seats which helped only slightly.
The next day, I checked the race results. Much to my surprise, I wasn't the last person to finish. In fact, I finished two places better than I was in the video above. My time wasn't far off my 15k time x2.
And here's the punchline: the winner's age is... 51.
Dammit!
I'm sucked back in.

Pretty stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 12:37:48 PST

Busy writing other stuff. Will put it here soon.
In the meantime, watch this. It'll make you go, "wow, my life lacks something."
At least that's what I said.

A Sunday Event is a Hate Crime? I've now heard it all.

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 18:06:11 PDT

This entry has nothing to do with bike racing, but as always, I'll weave cycling into it somehow.
I'm taking a side trip into the world of running this time around. We have a half-marathon taking place in my city on Sunday. As you can imagine, it'll mess up traffic for a few hours while 5000 runners have their way. As an employee of the City, I've heard from some angry residents who object to the road closures. Mostly, though, the community has come to accept and even embrace the event as our own.
One resident wrote a very ... alarming?... email to our US Senator:
Here are the highlights... (I need to say this: this is real. You may question that at times.)
<<<<<<<<<<<
Dear Senator Levin,

I'm writing this letter asking for your help in your home State of Michigan because our First Amendment Rights that guarantees ALL the Right to Religion Freedom is now being violated right here in Rochester Hills, Rochester, Auburn Hills and Oakland Township by our local government (All REPUBLICANS) who have team up with the Crim's Organization to limit our access to attend church on the First Sunday in October for the third consecutive year. The main street out of my subdivision (Tienken Road) will be closed from approximately 7:45 AM until Noon. therefore my wife and I will not even attempt to attend any of our church worship services.
How bad is it? Well if you drive down Walton Blvd in Rochester Hills, you will see the following sign at the Meadowbrooks Christian Church: "CHURCH SERVICE CANCEL OCT. 3 BECAUSE OF RACE". This is an insult to every Christian even though I realize that we're now living in what is known as the "Post Christian Era".
If you check back into the history of America, I believe, that you will find that from the VERY BEGINNING of America, we have ALWAYS had our Christian Worship services on Sunday mornings long before any marathon was held in this country.

Perhaps you could used your influence to have the FBI investigate this as a RELIGIOUS HATE CRIME against Christians. I would also like to invite you or a member of you staff to participate in our very first Christian Interfaith meeting early next year as we plan our strategy to fight back.

By the way," Sunday will be the VERY LAST time for some Christians here in our community to ever attend a worship service" - but they're being denied this final opportunity by our government right here in America. But since this is an event members of the Republican Party want, they get to do what ever they desire.
>>>>>>>>>>>
We take it for granted that quiet Sunday mornings are the best time to run an athletic event using public roads. But this response from a resident reminds us that there are some strong anti-event sentiments out there.
But the real point of this post is this:
Ready? It's pretty simple and somewhat brilliant.)
Why doesn't this Christian ride his bike or walk to church?

There. I brought it back to cycling. Not too big a stretch, really.

Season's Over

noreply@blogger.com (Jamie Smith) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 07:44:08 PDT

There have been seasons in the past in which I've dreaded the final race. In 1993, I clearly remember being almost despondent at the end of the season. It was at the Michelin race in Greenville SC. As the cars loaded with bikes drove away from the corner of Main St. and Mcbee Ave., it felt like that icky feeling you get when you're leaving Disneyland. The trip home after that weekend was a sad one.
Labor Day Weekend now marks the end of road racing season here in Michigan - oh sure, there have been occasional additions in September such as the Pino Morroni races or the Tour de Leelanau (jumpin' jiminy, why did I ever let people talk me into racing that monstrosity; I had no business being on that roster). This year, I wasn't feeling much sadness.
I'm not sure what that means. I interpret it as a general acceptance of the passing of another season, and maybe a yearning for ski season. (And a thankfulness that it's still a few months away; I'm not ready.) But it's also a relief that I don't have to be a slave to the bike for the next 5 months.
A couple of observations that affected my season (not in a good way) have reduced the sadness surrounding The End:
Observation #1. Our local cycling scene has become rather predictable. I'm sure everyone experiences the same thing across the USA: Everyone knows who is fast and who isn't. Everyone knows what everyone else can do and how they do it. Everyone expects "the attack" by the strongest guy at the same point in the race. You can almost list the riders who will make the breakaway, and you can probably predict, with some degree of accuracy, the order of finish.
It's really quite stale. Yet, every weekend, we drive to a medium-sized town and go through the same routine as if on a loop. That's bike racing.
This year's final weekend was a bit different because a flock of Canadian riders came down from Toronto and brought new color to our Michigan scene. (Mainly, red and white. I mean, don't they have any other colors down there? [Canada is south of us, so it's down not up.]).
It was A LOT more fun having unknown riders mixing it up with us. Sure, they talk funny, but they race well. And instead of watching the same five riders who consistently kick my arse every weekend, I now had to watch twelve riders who could kick my arse. That's a lot more fun. (Seriously, it is.)
Observation #2: The range of tactics is quite limited at this level of racing. Very few teams have more than two tricks in their folder.
Those two tricks are:
1. "Get one of our guys in the breakaway, and shut down the field."
2. "Don't let any breakaways get away; we'll set up Leon for the field sprint." (Leon is a fictitious name that I pulled out of my book of fictitious names that authors carry around with them. Mine is leather bound.)
There are slight variations on those themes, but nothing plunging too deep into the Coors Light playbook. (Len Pettyjohn's Coors Light cycling team was, in my opinion, the epitome of smart riding. I saw them win countless races in countless diabolical ways. They are the standard by which I judge team tactics.)
Yes, that's more than a little frustrating and adds to the boring predictability of the racing here. Consequently, the end of bike racing season isn't much of a letdown this year.
There's a lesson here that I learned this week: travel more.
Next season, I'm going to take road trips to Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois. Rather than complain about the stale local scene (which is probably equally stale in OH, IN, and IL), I'll try to be that mysterious out-of-towner who comes in and shakes things up. I encourage you to do the same.
Except, ... um... let's not all go to the Ohio on the same weekend.