Right Turn without Signaling

Life

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 20:34:00 +0000

Friday Agenda

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

6am - Wake up & shower

6:30am - Wake up the kids.

6:45am - Yell at the kids to get their asses out of bed.

6:55am - Make and drink coffee.

7:00am - Warn the kids they will be left if they don't get up and get down the stairs.

7:15am - Go to work.

7:30am - Arrive and start going through email from the overnight crew

7:35am - Try not to wonder if the ops guys know what the fuck they are doing.

8:00am - Meeting #1 - the meeting where the former PM will try to tell me what I need to do simply because my style does not match her style.

8:15am - Wrap up the meeting because everyone is just hearing themselves talk.

8:30am - Go across the street to the coffee shop to get my 3rd, 4th and 5th shots of espresso.

9:00am - Say "good morning" to the first cohort arriving to start their day.

9:30am - Meeting #2 where I will be forcing my cohort to take responsibility for his project.

10:00am - Wish the meeting would just fucking end already.

10:30am - Flee the room.

10:35am - Find out how my architect is fucking up my day. Is she working or pretending to work? Yeah, probably the latter.

11:20am - Go grab some lunch.

11:45pm - Get annoyed that people keep bugging me while I try to eat.

12:00pm - Give up and just realize I'm going to simply bill them for my lunch hour.

12:30pm - Go through emails looking to see if the 100 new messages actually have value. Yeah, no.

1:00pm - Go down and visit the war room. Wonder why I decided to wear long sleeve shirt when I am going to spend time in the sweat shop, I mean, the war room. Oh hell, it smells like sweat and BO, it's a sweat shop.

1:05pm - Fight for a chair in the war room.

1:07pm - Decide to go get my own chair because this is stupid.

1:10pm - settle into the routine of pushing people to fucking test their shit.

1:15pm - Wonder if I can hit my architect with my coffee mug if I threw it hard enough.

1:20pm - Yell at my developers for not logging defects. Keep bugging them until they do it.

1:40pm - Wonder if someone would notice if I had a flask.

2:00pm - Start the status reports for the day. Two project - two status report.

2:10pm - Bug my leads to get me the info needed.

2:15pm - Chase down the people who are trying to blow me off.

2:30pm - Send out the status reports because if they aren't emailed out by 3pm there will be hell to pay <eye roll>

3:00pm - Go grab more coffee.

3:15pm - Flirt, I mean, talk to the Russian guy who I wish was into BDSM. Try not to imagine him telling me to drop to my knees and suck his cock.

3:16pm - Fail and start day dreaming about that fantasy.

3:20pm - Back to my desk. Start listening to the PM who complains about everything bitch to our boss about, well, everything.

4:00pm - Decided it's Friday, I'm over 40hrs, and leave.

4:15pm - Try to find something RED to wear to the dungeon party where the theme is, well, red.

4:20pm - Wonder why the hell I am able to find the most expensive thing in the store and have it be the only thing I like.

4:40pm - Find something I can live with.

5:00pm - Head home.

5:15pm - Change and drive to my friend's house.

6:15pm - Leave for the munch.

6:30pm - Arrive at the munch and get a beer.

6:40pm - Get a great hug from an evil sadist.

6:41pm - Get my ass grabbed by his wife.

6:42pm - Give her a hug.

7:45pm - Leave for the party.

8:00pm - Arrive at the party and eat.

8:20pm - Play rock, paper, scissors with my friend to find out who gets to go first.

8:25pm - Lose on purpose because I want to make sure she gets hers - and I'm not worried that I won't get mine.

8:40pm - Go down into the dungeon to watch what is happening. Marvel at the scening.

9:30pm - Get the "I'll be done in a few minutes." Reassure all is good.

10pm - Get my scene and giggle my ass of while trying not to swear like crazy and disrupt other scenes.

11pm - Start coming down for the endorphin high.

11:15pm - Head up to get food.

11:20pm - Laugh at the people sharing tips. Wonder what the Mistress of the dungeon is going to show us in terms of using regular items to induce pain.

11:25pm - Laugh my ass off.

12:00am - Head back to my friend's house to get my car.

12:30am - Arrive home and have a drink to start winding down.

12:35am - Masturbate.

1:30am - Head to bed and hope to sleep.

2:00am - Sleep.

This is my day....or at least how I hope it goes.

Happy Friday!

Ramblings of the Overworked

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Today marks the 10th consecutive day of work. While I have been through go-lives before, this is the most fucked up one in memory. Everyone has issues. Last minute things that must be worked through.

But we have not done a single end-to-end transaction in the system. Not one. And we are literally 6 days from going live on it - with real transactions, interactions with our customers, and all. This is not inconsequential. This is a disaster.

And as people try to force us ahead, it feels the slower we go in terms of working together and resolving issues. It's messed up. But at least I get overtime.

Mom is in town to see a specialist. After all the specialists in her area where not taking new patience, she found one in Portland. So, here is hoping they can get her ulcerated colitis sorted out. It's what is causing the problems yet.

She got all of the results back from the tumor and lymph node removal. She is 100% cancer free. She just has to have some radiation and all is well. Good news.

A back and forth on my dad's Facebook status resulted in me calling to find out what the fuck was going on. Dad, as he's been frustrated with the medical care in the area, periodically reflects on how it would be better in Iowa. You see, when you live in a rural area, they send you to a specialist 2-4hrs away if things aren't getting better. You don't have to go through the hoops to find your own, make an appointment, etc. No, the doctors and staff handle it. It's pretty painless except for the drive. It has been making him frustrated at the difference.

He made a comment about Iowa looking better when my sisters-in-law pipped up with smart-ass bitchy remarks. I asked if everything was okay - and did not get an answer so I called. Turns out my parents were excluded from my niece's birthday. When my mom called about it, she was blown off. My dad got into it with my brother but without my brother getting the point.

I guess that they hear more from me than they hear from my brothers who live down the road. My youngest brother won't even come by anymore - and he works a mile away from the house. My parents are frustrated by the fact they are far away from the ones who would be stopping by ever few days to make sure they were okay - make sure my mom was okay. My dad actually asked "who the fuck raised those boys?" I don't know, Dad, I don't know. Cause neither of my parents taught me to be that way. I think I know what I need to take with me next time - my 2x4.

My friend Lilli has convinced me to submit to the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival. I have a few ideas. My favorite centers around her and her Evil Julia Childs personality. And her kitchen. And someone who bottoms to her. Yeah, the wheels are turning. I'm actually excited about this. I think I'm going to need lights though. Hmmm....

Good thing I work in a building where a camera shop is located on the ground floor.

In other news, SG popped back onto the radar again. This time, instead of him checking in, his wife pinged me. "He misses you a lot, so please call him and schedule some fun time, okay?"

WHAT??

I have mixed feelings about this one. I have to think about it a lot. While I'm happy his wife is fine with it all, I don't like the path it took us to get here. Also, I have to figure out what I want - how he can fit into it, etc.

He is safe. It was nice. But has it passed? Couple that with the fact he is someone who likes to try things without researching even a little how to do them safely. Trial and error is his thing when it comes to kink.....and I'm not into that. It was an area that became an issue towards the end. But, I guess we shall see. Like I said, I have to think about this one.

Work has been keeping me absent from blog land. I come home and a computer is the last thing I'm interesting in being on. I'm hoping things are done soon so we can exhale a bit.

And remember.....

....words I live by.....

Compersion

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Giggles echoed through our bedroom as the three of us continued our play. A night of rope had ended with the three of us playing together in our bed - a nice way to unwind from the event.

After many rounds of groping and multiple configurations, she landed between us, and we focused our attention on her. He kissed her, I kissed him, she kissed me. We all got a turn as our hands wandered around her body.

I knew the moment his hand found the center of her pleasure as her breathing and moans gave it away. And with each passing moment, her voice rose and fell as he started to stroke her clit - teasing it with an expertise that was clear.

I stroked her body, taking a moment to sit back and observe the two of them together.

As he played her body, he watched her face with a satisfied look. Reading her expression - knowing exactly when to speed up and slow down. And with each adjustment, her song of pleasure grew - louder and stronger. Her breath increased - her moans got louder - and her head tossed back as she built to orgasm.

Then, her hand flew to her mouth as she bit back the scream as she came hard.

And he watched smiling knowing exactly how to push her - how to keep it going - how to get that pleasure out of her.

Then he covered her body with his own. Giving her the anchor she needed as she came down from the orgasm. Kissing her tenderly as the aftershocks rocked her body.

I was happy to watch. Their joy. Their chemistry. It made me happy. It made me happy to witness it. It made me happy that they allowed me to be a part of it.

Then they both pulled me into their embrace. We all held each other as she came down.

It was the part of the night I recall most clearly.

I am happy to have witness it.

I am happy they have each other.

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.

It was definitely how I felt about that night - compersion.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Giving is the only way you have a life. Giving an ear to a friend when they need it. Giving your heart to people you love. Giving hugs. Giving kisses. Giving help. Giving friendship. Getting is interesting, but it is what we toss out in the universe that gives us life.

It's funny because when I read this, I laughed. I worked for a guy who, when asked the possibilities for options for solving a problem, he would start with "do nothing" and "stop doing what you are doing that is causing the issue". People used to think he was a smart ass, and he was - but his point was that the simple options are often overlooked. Do nothing sometimes is the smartest solution. Why? Fixing the issues cost too much - not just money but pain and all too. And sometimes simply stop doing it is the best way to stop causing the problems. Wanna be happy - stop doing the shit that makes you unhappy. But don't forget "do nothing" because sometimes the change makes things worse, not better.

image by Matthew Kavan Brooks

Living in the past is not a place to be. Living in the future is not either. Be present in the here and now. It is the only moment you can participate in fully - and change if necessary - and savor. The memories are made now. Be an active player in them. Don't worry about the what-ifs and the what-could-bes. Be here and now.

Isn't it funny how this happens with people we love? We know they can be all of these things - not constantly, but at times - yet we forgive them, still love them - and move on. Because we know that saying these things aloud to the person will simply give them license to do the same to us when we have our moments. Some people don't understand why its hard for me to punt people from my life. It's because I hate it when a moment of emotion from me results in the same from someone else. In the end, we don't like being those things - regardless of how much we say we don't regret our life - we do wish it could have gone differently with a different end for the person we were dealing with. Forgiveness is powerful. Understanding that person behind the words and actions is still good enough to love is critical. Saying "it's okay" isn't a sign of weakness - but of strength. Strength to see behind the hurt the person caused in that moment and realize they are still worthy of love. Because we all step on the people we care about sometimes. We do it without thinking. We do it because the person we do it to will always love us regardless - even when we wonder why. They love us because they want us to figure it out. And they know - like a parent knows with their child - that sometimes to do it, they must do things that don't make sense. It's how they learn and grow.

Happy Monday!

Week 3 - Sunday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:22:00 +0000

I worked this weekend, so I didn't get out of the house to do the photography I had hoped. In hindsight, I should have taken my camera last night to roller derby. That was pretty cool.

The bike rack is near my office.

One of the doors of a bank near the office. There are some amazing buildings.

Steampunk jet pack in process.

e[lust] #32

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 19:20:00 +0000

Photo courtesy of Lady Grinning Soul

Welcome to e[lust], the sex blog round-up- The best posts from the hottest and smartest sex bloggers all in one place! This edition highlights topics such as libido, fake orgasms, teenage lust, voyeurism, BDSM consent and so much more. Want to be included in e[lust] #33? Start with the rules, come back in February to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ The Top Three Posts ~
Assent Matters by SherynB - Find your emotional power to recognize and say “no” to what you don’t want BEFORE you get naked and tied up and give up your actual physical power to walk away to anybody.
Forever The Night - ‘Why the hell shouldn’t I listen? This is my home, my bedroom after all’. So I do listen and I do feel myself twitch at every minute sound on the other side of that fucking wall.
Hands. Fingers. Pleasure. - This was the first time a boy's fingers had such unfettered access to my pussy. Prior gropings under and through clothes had never been like this.
~ e[lust] Editress ~
The Fake Orgasm: You think you know, but you have no idea - I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”.
~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~
Sadie Says... Awake - In the haze of my missing libido I also lost myself. I began to wonder if I remembered who the hell I was?
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
Kink & Fetish
Connection, Intimacy & Trust
DQ Earns a Pass from Chasity
Five Little Words
Naked and kinky in a busy sex shop
Sharp Tongues and Good Pain
Sexual violence
The Duke Story
'Twas the Night Before Kinky
The Pink Elephant
Who I Am
Who Are You to Change Us?
Waking You
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
Busy Writing
Help! My Vibrator Won't Work
Men and Visual Stimulation
Slippery and sticky and covered in lube
The Safe Zone - Giving Yourself Permission To Screw Up in Non-Monogamy
Until Death Do Us Part
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Interview With Senior Sexuality Advocate Joan Price
Erotic Writing
21
A Read to Remember
Aurelia (A Dirty Kind Of Grace part 1)
A Fistful
banana bread
Christmas Day
Last night in Cap D'Adge
Later On In The Evening
Meat Hooks & Butcher's Twine
Reside
Sugarbutch Star: blckndblue, The Pink Dress
she and he and me...
Surprise Orgasm
wind

Never Pinch a Sadist

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

The lovely and beautiful Veronica at ASM commented the other day that "Never Pinch a Sadist" would make a great book title for an intro to BDSM book. What a great idea for a series of blog posts, I thought.

The first one will be something I spend time doing each and every month at the local sex club who hosts the BDSM kink party. I help the organizer by acting as a host for 90 min during the party. As a host, my job is to approach those who are alone, look scared, or are walking a line between what is right and wrong from a kinky perspective.

Swinging has one set of rules while BDSM has another set. So what do I tell them? I tell them this:

1. Do not touch. Not even a hand on the arm or shoulder. Do not do it. Doing it with the wrong person can get you tossed out of the party or worse - smacked in a bad way. Swingers are touchy creatures. They are out to find sex - find physical and mental connection. BDSM people vary with touchiness. For some, it is a statement of consent. If you are unwilling to ask their consent to touch, then you will be unwilling to ask for consent with other things. It is best to not touch.

2. Got a question about what is happening? Don't ask it while it is happening. When people are scening in public, they are in a zone. The person dishing out the pain or whatever needs to pay attention to the person they are giving it. Also, there is a pattern - a rhythm - that happens between the players. Interruption is not only disrespectful, but it can ruin their scene. So, stay away. And when the scene ends? Don't rush into that space immediately. Just because the spanking has ended, does not mean the scene is over. Post-scene care, known as after-care, is important. This is the time spent "coming back to reality" after the scene has ended. Don't rush in with your questions - and NEVER enter the space without asking.

3. If you are going to talk, do not do it near people scening. Or do it quietly. And watch but don't stare. Both can be distracting.

4. Do not expect to see sex. Kinksters don't always have sex in public. And what they do isn't necessarily part of a sex act. At least at that time, it may not be. While this is not universal, I usually advise the single guys there for the night that you should not expect to get laid. It isn't unheard of, but it should not be expected. Sex is not what they do at parties.

5. If you want to try something, you have to be prepared to negotiate it. There will be questions about boundaries. There will questions like "how do you like your spanking - stingy or thuddy?" If someone is going to do something to you that could hurt you and put them in jail, they are going to make sure they have your full consent and adhere to it. Forget to mention nipple play as being okay, and nipple play won't happen. Same goes for kissing. Or anything else.

6. Hearing "No" or "Stop" doesn't alway mean stop or no, don't do that. People get off on that - it's a fetish for both sides. No need to worry. Only worry if you hear "yellow" or "red" and that doesn't seem to be listened to. And in those cases, find someone walking around with a badge saying "DM" and tell them. A DM or dungeon master is in charge of safety. They make the call when to stop a scene. They are specially trained and will know when to intervene.

7. Screaming is just screaming. It doesn't indicate something bad is happening. As I have written on my blog, I process pain with laughing, giggling, wiggling and swearing. Some people scream. It may sound bad, but it is likely not as bad as it sounds. For some, screaming is a good sound.

8. Don't believe your ears. Scenes are usually just as psychological as they are physical. Hear that whip sound? The sound is there to fuck with the person getting hit. The whip when it sounds like that is not likely hitting the person. Some things sound worse than they are. Don't let that scare you.

9. Safer sex is taken to a whole new level in the BDSM community. That is not an elitist statement. They are just used to protecting against things like blood. You will see people using gloves to touch genitals. You will see blow jobs given using condoms. You will hear negotiations include things like no fluids. It doesn't mean someone in the scene has a disease. It just means everyone is trying to stay safe and also allow for everyone to play - even if they do have something.

10. Only do what you feel ready to do. If you are unsure, wait. If you are uncertain, ask questions. If you don't know the person, ask around. But just because I'm kinky in my way, does not assume you are going to enjoy the same thing with the same people at the same pace. Don't feel you have to do it all or try it all. Go at your own pace. Watch - and learn from that.

This is my usual schtick.

Do you have any questions? I'm a specially trained (not really) host to a night where things are introduced. Feel free to ask. I'm happy to answer.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Amen! Do not make things more complicated than they should be.

Listen to someone's words. Listen to the emotion in which they are saying it. Are they struggling to sort out what is going on in their head? If so, listen with patience and kindness - not frustration and a need to be right. Right is sometimes wrong in certain situations.

Too many people play a game of "not it". It's a fun game to turn the tables and ask them to not pass the buck to someone else, but say specifically who should do it. It's too easy to blame and toss things over the wall to someone else. It's harder to actually think about who should.

I love this photo. The quote is great too. Whatever gives you confidence in yourself, whether it be shoes, a hat, a dress, a jacket - it's that confidence that can make you conquer the world as you project it and people respect it.

Week 2: Snow

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 05:47:00 +0000

The universe giving me a sign.

Silence of the Lizard

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 18:57:00 +0000

My lizard - that jealous, pain in the ass creature that lives in a dark place in the back of my mind - made an unexpected appearance the other day. That fucking creature ripped off the scab to a wound that, until then, I thought was partially healed. And that wound that I thought was going away reminded me it was it further away from healed than I had been believing.

And I hated this discovery.

I hated the feelings. I hated that fucking unrelenting creature for whispering things in my ear that just made me feel even more raw.

I have, in truth, been struggling with the thoughts - the questions - that this uncaring creature - my lizard - has been putting in my head. I have been struggling with the message of how this should change me - for the positive, I hoped.

I read this quotation:

Emotional discomfort, when accepted, rises, crests and falls in a series of waves. Each wave washes a part of us away and deposits treasures we never imagined. Out goes naivete, in comes wisdom; out goes anger, in comes discernment; out goes despair, in comes kindness. No one would call it easy, but the rhythm of emotional pain that we learn to tolerate is natural, constructive and expansive… The pain leaves you healthier than it found you. - Martha N. Beck

And I wondered - what treasure is this giving me?

Because kindness is what got me here. And what is the wisdom that should come out of it? Be more guarded and less open? Be less accepting of people? Hold my feelings back? Hold back my caring? What, fucking universe, is my lesson??

And this is what my lizard loves to sit back and and watch me struggle with. When the lizard sees a situation where I have been ditched and another has been chosen - and the other is described as someone who can't accept all parts of what the person choosing is - then I wonder how I am unworthy of what she gets when I'm the accepting one. I'm the less demanding one. I'm the supportive one.

This is the stuff that make my lizard grab a beer, sit back on the couch, put its feet up, and enjoy the show it created.

While comparison is the source of unhappiness, I can't help but feel devalued. And when I look around at others and how most treat me, it is the same feeling. I am not valued. While I have a lot of people in my life who believe they are not the person I'm describing, they do treat me less valuable as a friend than how they treat the drama creators or the people who do not accept them as they are. It's amazing because, when I start adding up the number of people I would have to toss out of my life, I realize how incredibly lonely I would be.

And how unlike me that is.

The other night when my lizard was ruining my night, I had one person see my internal struggle and actually reach out to me unprompted. The one person actually hugged me and helped me. The rest were caught up in their own shit or their own feelings about the situation I was struggling with that they blew me off - even when I reached out and said simply how I was feeling. One person. And while that one person is all that is needed sometimes. It was quite the thing to realize in reflection.

So what is my lesson here? I ask the fucking universe - how is this experience supposed to change me? How it is supposed to give me wisdom? Because I'm not willing to close myself off. Is that the lesson - to struggle through the pain and know it can't break me?

I have no idea anymore.

Because while I have not defined myself as the person described below, I like knowing that this is simply part of who I am.

PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED — NOT THE ONES WHO RAISED YOU, NOT THE ONES WHO GROUND YOU, NOT THE ONES WHO LOVE YOU. NOT THE STRANGER WHO CHASED YOU FOR A HALF-BLOCK TO TELL YOU YOU’VE DROPPED SOMETHING, NOT THE ONE WHO HOLDS THE DOOR FOR YOU, NOT THE ONE WHO ASKS YOU IF YOU’RE FEELING OKAY OR THE ONE WHO ASKS YOU TO DANCE. THEIR ACTIONS ARE NOT INCONSEQUENTIAL; THEY ARE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN, A STATE SO COMMON THAT IT’S RATHER EASY TO FORGET HOW EXTRAORDINARY IT CAN BE. DON’T. REMEMBER IT ALWAYS, REMEMBER HOW BLAND AND UNSATISFACTORY AND MEANINGLESS LIFE WOULD BE WITHOUT HUMANITY.
— Don’t Take This For Granted

Wanderings....

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 15:24:00 +0000

Mom has surgery today. I found out yesterday at 3pm. Guess her doc saved a time for her last week and forgot to mention it. When she saw him yesterday, she decided to just get it over and done. She will be back home later.
The craziness of work continues. Rope was given to my problem child on the project. It did not result in the hanging I had hoped, but it was more nails in her coffin. And I was no where to be found in how I did it. I love setting failures people are ignoring up to fail.
Indigo has been sick for the past two days. High fever. Nothing else really. Poor kid. G has had a lot of tests this week at school - giving them, that is - so he has been able to stay home.
Got my car repairs caught up after 2 yrs of forced ignoring due to financial reasons. It was as expensive as I thought it would be. But they detailed my car for free.
I have a large cement elephant in my living room. Added to my gnome also in my living room, and it's getting quite interesting from a decorating perspective. Hell, who am I kidding, it was already interesting.
I have a bruise on my side. Teach me to pinch a sadist back. Ouch.
Oh, and clearly I have not been taught NOT to taunt a sadist......if I'm lucky, I'll pay for it tonight. :)

Okay, I'm off to work....where....

Happy Thursday!

Insomnia, Sick Kids and Other Things Keeping Me Up

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 16:54:00 +0000

I've been fighting this cold that has been lingering - unwilling to take root in my body and unwilling to give up trying either. It has been a common occurrence lately that I wake up - throat itchy like the cat had stuck his head down it while I had been sleeping it - and in need of water.

Most of the time, I get the water and go back to bed, falling asleep immediately.

Last night, my brain was awake and ready to talk to me. I read for about an hour, and just as I was falling asleep......

"Moe, I don't feel very good."

Crap.

Indigo went to school yesterday but was not feeling well. In our defense, Indigo loves to be sick. She loves to "not feel well". So we have a checklist of things to go through whenever she is "sick" to determine if it is truly an illness versus her playing sick. She passed the checklist.

Then ended up napping through lunch.

And after school.

And on the drive home from school.

But again, I must say that outside of sleepiness, she had no fever. The fever showed up last night.

At 2:30am.

I gave her some ibuprofen and got her comfortable on the couch. She was wide awake talking about how she was sick - and she tried telling us - but we wouldn't listen. Yeah, fine parenting moment.

I hooked her up with something on Netflex, plopped down next to her, and tried to get her settled down again.

At about 3:25am, I decided I needed to go to bed. Today is going to be a long day - and sleep would be good.

I laid down and my brain said:

Pssst.....while you are awake, I want to review a few thing with you.

"No, Brain, go to sleep. I'm tired and today is going to suck if I don't get at least a few more hours of sleep. Don't do this now."

You know, work has been really crazy lately. Have you considered that maybe you need to do this or do that to keep from getting caught in the political shit storm?

"Hmm....not a bad idea. You know, if I.....Hey! You are not going to lure me into a conversation with you tonight. While you have an interesting idea there, I need sleep. SLEEP! Go to sleep!!"

I'm really surprised you can sleep after your talk tonight with your friend. Damn did you take the filter off between me and your mouth. I'm proud of you, but DAMN! You let it all out, didn't you?

"Yeah, I don't want to think about that. Not my finest moment."

But it was fun to watch....nothing like busting that wall down where those thoughts had been stored securely and letting them spew out.

"I was being a bit too honest, I'm afraid, with those things. Yeah, thanks for making me think about that part of my evening. Fuck."

Hey, I'm here to help. And did you see the look on your friend's face when you said a few things. Wow! Well done getting that reaction.

"Sigh.....you are in rare form tonight. Look, I already feel bad about it, why must you rub salt in that wound?"

I'm here to help. I mean, what good are these 3:45am discussions if I can't make you over think things. And then there....

"Lalalala....I'm reading now.....I can't hear you......lalalala"

This book is pretty good. Yawn. I think, I will enjoy a break for a while....YAWWNNN....

I start falling asleep only to hear....

Pssst!

"NO! Go to sleep. Don't make me get the book back out!"

But, but, but.....

"Look, I don't want to talk. I am done talking to you. You've been doing too much thinking as it is as I'm trying to sort out what I need right now from life - about the shit going on in it, and about what I need. And so far, you have done nothing more than add commentary where there doesn't need to be commentary. Just leave me alone, okay? I need a break. I NEED SLEEP!"

Geesh, you are a bitch when you are grumpy, aren't you?

I grab the book again.

No, no....I'm kidding....really, I am.....

.....oooo....I like this part....it's when.....zzzzzzzzzz

See. My brain hates me.

Now, where is my caffeine IV drip?

"How's Mom"

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

"How's Mom?"

It's a common question I have been getting lately. Understandable. I mean the woman was diagnosed with an illness, then a chronic illness, and now breast cancer.

The woman has been through a lot lately.

Besides the physical, the emotional has been pretty bad too. She has been off of work for two months. She has been pretty much confined to the house for that time too. She told me the other day that all she wanted to do was feel well enough to go to church. Ironic huh? The woman wants to go worship but physically cannot.

Right now, she is being inundated with information.

The surgeon appointment on Friday was a discussion in all of her options. Lumpectomy or mastectomy. She was given the info, given her "welcome to breast cancer" kit, and sent home to contemplate.

Since the diagnosis and discussion with the insurance company, she has been getting flooded with calls. Support organizations are reaching out to make sure she has her questions answered. The insurance company called to ask if she wanted them to assign an advocate to go to the appointments with her and help remember the details of what information has been given. (She declined given she didn't feel an advocate for the insurance company would be unbiased.)

Whereas the other two medical things have left her feeling alone, breast cancer has made her feel great by comparison.

Monday she met her oncologist - a woman who has been spotlighted as a woman to watch in the area several years in a row. She spent almost 90 minutes with the doctor who answered and anticipated all of her questions. Longest doctor's visit ever.

What is the prognosis?

She has cancer. It is hormal in nature meaning it will be something I have to worry about. Given my mom was going through menopause by age 38, it really does not surprise me. Risks increase with early menopause. But, it also means that this is totally no related to family history - her other family members, that is, that have had cancer. Totally different beast is what she has.

At this point, the doctor is encouraging a lumpectomy. Why? She does not believe there is any point in doing more. But also, given my mom's recent health, this will be less stress on her body positioning her to be more healthy in the future. Great point.

She has early stage cancer meaning they caught it early, she may only have to have radiation and not chemo, and her prognosis is good. Granted, all could change post- surgery if they find it in her lymph nodes, but no one gets the sense this is false optimism.

Mom's head is spinning with information at this point. She is going to let it settle, then schedule surgery. Her attitude is great. When I asked if she was going to do a lumpectomy versus a full mastectomy, she said either way is good with her. She's done with them.

So, how is Mom doing?

Pretty damn good given she just found out she had cancer less than a week ago. I do think, however, she should do this:

thank you, Domenico, as I am guessing you retweeted that so I would see it.

As for me - how am I doing?

I'm okay. Worried about her. Feeling like I need to keep close tabs on her and my dad. Both are self proclaimed Jesus freaks. Not a bad thing, but she does tend to take the "God will provide the path" which means she is a lot less active in her life than I would like. While I'm glad she has religion, she puts her faith not only in God, but also the doctors, nurses, and anyone else telling her what to do. She asks too few questions and retains too little details. This passive approach drives me nutty as it implies sometimes that she feels she needs to do nothing to make things get better. Makes me feel like I have to be more involved - asking and demanding she get questions answered and follow through on prognosis.

Then there are my brothers. My youngest brother is freaked out. For the first time ever, he has had the realization that our parents could die. Sucks when you finally realize it, but it is life. Maybe because my dad's mom died when I was 10 and he was 31 that me realize how little time we could have with our parents. So the youngest brother has been in full freak out mode.

My other brother is pretending it isn't happening, I think. He's quiet. No one is mentioning it. Denial is not just a river in Egypt - and he is off to be an example of it.

And I'm worried about my dad. He will be lost without her. I know he has spent three months worried out of his mind about her. And while trying to take care of her, he has been working full time - making sure they have an income and he doesn't lose his job. As his employees told me one day, they are worried about him having another heart attack given his stress and poor eating. They aren't the only ones.

I can only hope we all find the family laughter. We joke. We laugh. We support. We need to find it. Not only for her - but for us.

Because laughter is always better than crying.....and more healing.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 03:01:00 +0000

Because I had computer problems last night, I had to throw this together this morning. No time for color commentary. I will leave it to you, the reader, to tell me why you like them. A bit of change of pace.

Happy Monday!

Week 1: Fog

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:22:00 +0000

While I miss the 365 project, I realized I just don't have time to take the kinds of photos I want to take on a daily basis. So, I'm going to do it weekly instead - 52Weeks.

This morning, I woke up to some great fog. It was think and silent and just awesome for taking shots. Little did I realize that wherever I would go, it would be a bit different. Here are six shots from the fog. I got down to these six from the fifty-five shots I took.

As I was shooting these photos, I had to chuckle to myself as the voice of my old college art professor filled my head. I painted these pieces in college once where it was a lot of isolation - fog - lack of clarity of the full picture. He came up to me as I stood in front of the class, put his arm around me, and announced that I needed a hug. My art was clearly showing what I was feeling inside. Isolated. Looking for clarity and having a hard time finding it. Ironically, just like some of my photos today, the inner feelings definitely came through the lens as I chose subjects that were unclear - foggy and isolated.

But this last photo is the one I keep in mind for myself. Light does burn through the fog. You just have to wait for it and be patient and enjoy the view as it happens.

The Tangled Mess of My Mind

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:28:00 +0000

source

This exemplifies where my head is right now. I sit down to write or read and a single things goes to a tangled mess. Right now, I'm having a hard time untangling it. Between the crap going on with my mom - the political shit storm going on at work - and just the other crap in my head - I'm not articulate yet.

But one thing I do know I need to do is say "Thank you". The kind words the other day in comments, on twitter, in email and on chat where truly touching.

There is a quotation that I love that came to mind as I read them all, and it is:

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

Thank you for singing it back to me.

Best Laid Plans

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

I was going to write about my reprimand at work that was a political move on my boss's part. I'll write about that later as it's a funny story.

Then I thought about writing about a friend whose recent diagnosis with HSV2 has exemplified how it is more a psychological infection than a physical one. But that will have to wait.

I got a call as I was getting on the train tonight. I normally don't answer the phone as I'm getting on the train because, well, it's rude to talk in the middle of a packed train. But seeing that it was my mom made me answer it.

"What's up?" I asked. I figured I would be optimistic.

Without preamble, she proceeded to tell me she has breast cancer. She found a lump late last week, talked to the doc during her appointment, got some tests done, and the results are cancer. Surgery is being scheduled ASAP.

Why? They just want to remove the lump and get it over with now....while she is feeling better.

I asked her some questions. They don't think it's in the lymph nodes based on what they saw in scans. More info will be forthcoming as they get things scheduled.

And while I'm happy for a lot of reasons, I'm also not looking forward to the days to come. Her chronic illness is barely under control. She is just now starting to eat - again. But we have been here before, so I'm not declaring success.

On a positive side, she was in a position of speaking up about it immediately versus having to remember to schedule an appointment or something. She got it followed up on and had results over the weekend. That may not have happened if she had been well and had to schedule time off from work, etc.

I just hope it is as positive as we'd like to believe it is. She has been through too much. I cannot imagine her going through chemo.

My little brother is thinking the worst - worried what will happen to my dad if something happens to mom.

I guess I'm not ready to think about that yet.

I know many people who have successfully had "no evidence of disease" after treatment for breast cancer. I have to believe her prognosis will be as good as others.

Call me overly optimistic, but I have to be.....

....this is my mom......

Sharp Tongues and Good Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

He had me roll onto my back so he could use the cane on my breast and nipples and thighs. After making the marks and getting me to respond as he wanted, he returned to his bag. I heard what he had in his hand even before I saw it.

“CRACK!”

Followed by a chuckle.

A smile spread across my face. I had been craving the single tail - craving it for a month, in fact. The feeling of it hitting my flesh. The sensation of that flash point of hot and pain that fades into a wonderful feeling of warm pleasure was what I had been wanting.

And hearing the crack made me happy I was about to get it.

I closed my eyes and tipped my head back a bit. I could feel the whip brush lightly against my chin as it sought out its true target - my breasts and nipples. And when it found its mark, I moaned and arched towards it - savoring the sensation.

With each lash, I had to be careful not to move too much as to not make him miss his target. I held still - eyes closed, smile on my face and moan leaving my lips. And the whip licked my body with its sharp tongue.

Licked by breasts.

Licked by nipples.

Licked my hips.

Licked my inner thighs.

Licked my stomach.

Licked my ribs.

The rhythm of the lashes on my skin matched the beat of the music playing in the background. My body danced with the whip to the music. Only an occasional crack in the air above me reminded me of how much power the yielder truly held over me and my pain.

“Lift your legs straight up” was the command.

I complied and got a “good girl” in response.

The single tail found new targets: my thighs, my ass, my inner thighs, and the soles of my feet. I held still or as still as I could as each lash found its target and as I relished in those sharp licks of pain on my skin.

Our scene had been an entertaining one until then. The one delivering the blows was singing to the music and providing color commentary to a newbie who was clearly uncertain about what was going on. Our banter was funny. I was laughing as he struck me. I was swearing as I normally do which resulted in an explanation about how “fuck is not a safe word”. It was lighthearted, intense, but entertaining for us both.

The introduction of the single tail whip took me to a different place. A place of release. A place of relaxation. A place of satisfaction and floating and a new level of arousal. Instead of giggle, I moaned. Instead of making smart ass remarks, I groaned in delight. Instead of tensing up, I relaxed. The pace changed. The mood changed in a good way.

And like the music playing, our play changed again as the whip was put away and the next implement was brought out. The laughter and joking returned after my craving for the whip was satiated, and he returned to other evil implements in his gear case.

But I know my craving for the single tailed whip will be back even sooner then before. As each dance I have with it, only furthers my addiction to the single tail and the perfect way it is thrown. Like a true addiction, the craving returns sooner after each hit I get.

And to think, at one time I thought I would never want to try it.

Never say never.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

I should have used this for my post yesterday, but the sentiment is perfect any day. Surprise yourself. What a great message. I remember the times I have surprised myself. I remember how empowering it is. Discover that feeling and hold onto it by repeating it.

We always look at what is wrong, get frustrated, and feel like we need to do more. Instead, look at the beauty - the positive - the wonderful and savor the happy.

I'm going to modify that last line. Somewhere along the line, there's someone who truly thinks you are something.

Hearing and admitting the truth means accepting your part in it all. It may mean accepting you have in the situation. It may mean you have to look and see you have left some dead bodies in your wake. It may mean having to say "i'm sorry" or you may have to admit you aren't perfect. But it is also freeing. Freeing because you don't have to hold the illusion. You can be you. You can be human making mistakes. You can grow as a person. What truth don't you want to hear?

And if in doubt, be motivated by this:

Happy Monday!

2012

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Sure, I can wax poetic about what a new year gives us a chance to do. It's a clean slate. It's a new start. It's a do-over. We can discuss resolutions. We can talk about projects. We can make vows and promises.

Or we can simply ask ourself that question?

What in 2011 did you regret not doing?

What in 2011 did you wish you had done?

What in 2011 did you wish you could change?

Today is day 1 of the new year.

Change it.

Do it.

Be it.

Happy New Year to you all!

A Rant and A Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 15:00:00 +0000

<rant>

People in our 'blogging community' often wonder why we are seeing an erosion of bloggers. Why readers seem to be down - comments seem to be down - and bloggers seem to be falling off the face of the earth at a more rapid rate than in the past.

Often time Twitter and Tumblr are cited as the reasons for this issue. Those platforms make it too easy - make it so you don't have to sit down and think of a post to write from start to finish. You can sit down and do quick thoughts throughout a day instead of that post pressure of yore.

But there is another reason overlooked. It is the fact that we start wars with each others - wars of words and blame. We can't just take the high road on the internet. No, why do that if you have a keyboard and a screen between you and your enemy of the moment.

We read too much into something someone has said or not said. We can't just ask questions. Nope. We have to assume and attack. That is the preferred battle approach - assume and attack.

And when our attack method is met with a parry back. The response is "Oh, my God, can you believe so-and-so did something so childish??" A great irony given it was a childish act that started the battle. God forbid someone respond in like.

We call each other's babies ugly and get upset when the person whose baby is under attack responds or does not respond. We don't ask thoughtful questions in private. Nah, why do that if it can make a blog post.

I have watched assumptions get made and people attack others way too much this past year. The community of support has become a community of mockery and fighting.

Why keep blogging if that is what your fellow bloggers are doing out there? They were once your friends and now your enemies.

Is it any wonder people are ditching it for Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr brings forth a new audience of people. You can simply repost or post pictures. Or you can post ditties that may bring your followers to "Love it" or even comment. Instant feedback.

On Twitter, it seems - if you want instant support, you have it. Either way - actually - for things that require legitimate support as well as support for "OMG can you believe he said that" sort of posts. It is funny to me how a platform can be both a high school yard and a bar at the same time.

Regardless of your spiritual belief....love thy neighbor flew the coop a long time ago.

And each time I see karma bite someone in the ass, I also see a person wonder aloud "how could that happen" without really any examination of their own actions.

(thanks Twitter)

For 2012, I challenge all the bloggers to rediscover community again. Embrace our differences. Ask for clarification before blasting people. Show the support you got when you started to blog - whether the blogger is new or old. And finally, realize people have different opinions - and that's OK.

</end rant>

HNT - El Fin

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 04:58:00 +0000

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”

~Seneca

I started doing HNT two years ago after I realized I needed a way to let the sexual side of me out. I embraced what I had already been doing - and posted it on blog. A sort of "accept me as I am or leave" approach. While most believe HNT is purely done for traffic, I did it for me. I did it because I was celebrating my own acceptance. I am not being tied down to this idea that a mom - a professional - a good wife - could not do HNT. Nope. I was all of those thing including a sexual being.

A new beginning for me began. I was happier with my freer self.

I enjoyed the artistry that HNT allowed me.

And even though I was bound by my own imagination - I was not bound. I was free.

And for that, I thank HNT - I thank Osbasso. Many of us - whether we play or not - found our artistic legs with this theme - HNT.

For that - I thank Osbasso. Yes there has been drama. There have been hurt feelings. There have been spin offs, if you will. But the HNT forum is what allowed it to happen. Evolution occurred. We cannot ignore that or deny it.

So, as we say farewell, I applaud his theme.

Thank you for making me think.

Thank you for giving me a chance to come out of my shell.

And I know - this is not the end, but a new beginning - for something else.

Happy Final HNT.

Go see who else is bidding it a fine farewell.

Or OHNT.

And who made the Hall of Fame. (oh and the most revealing pic of me is on that one)

Wednesday Wanderings

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:55:00 +0000

I'm snarky today. I think I need a sign for my desk. I already apologized to several people this morning after the snark took over. Thankfully they found it funny. It is flowing from my mouth too easily today.

I tweeted this overheard comment by a cohort "I don't buy material things". I would like to point out that he has the WHITE iPhone, the Ducati branded laptop bag, he speaks about his iPad more than he does about his kid, and he is constantly going on about the latest technology he is buying. Good think he isn't into material things.

I love it when people take what I say, repeat it as their own, and forget that I'm sitting nearby and can hear them.

After the project teams spent the entire holiday weekend working on getting functionality finished for testing on Tuesday, we learned that last week an upper level manager re-prioritized the list of must haves for this project. The leader sent out an email saying "it is imperative that this information is communicated ASAP as I do not want people here working on de-prioritized items if they don't have to be." Guess what wasn't sent out? Guess how people are reacting? I should mention the fun part of this whole thing. The son of this leader works with us - so guess who found out immediately that this wasn't communicated? Yep - the leader. It's been a fun morning.

During the holidays, G and I played a fun game we called "what truths can we get away with telling". It started when my SIL asked G what else, besides meat, is he starting to do. He replied with "tall women". She giggled since she's 5'11", and I giggled for entirely different reasons. Thus started the game. We had some cock and ball jokes, bondage jokes, the spanking comments were the most funny to me, followed closely by the smacks given with a wooden spoon where technique was discussed. My youngest brother is pretty funny in terms of how he makes jokes, thus making it easy to play off. The key for me? Not looking at G after the joke is made so I didn't laugh my ass off in a way to raise suspicion.

I am an addict to mandarin oranges.

I discovered that after dealing with my mom and all that I crash ....hard. And people get hit by it....sadly. I spent a lot of yesterday apologizing for my emotional outburst that struck people at inopportune times. Spending so much time focused on other people, doing things for them that I don't have time to do to myself, takes a lot out of me. I imploded Monday night. It was not pretty. And I am still sorry. Hate it when it happens.

I got more photos from the photo shoot I did a few weeks back. They are awesome! One in particular, I'll be posting later. Amazing rope work by an amazing female rigger. Female riggers are out there, but don't seem to get as much attention as the men. It was fun working with one and having her work highlighted. Good stuff.

Ok - back to work. Hope everyone is having a good hump day. Hump and hump often to celebrate!

A Hard Holiday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:00:00 +0000

"Mom, you have not had that much to eat or drink today."

That was how I spent my Friday and Saturday before Christmas - monitoring my mom's food and beverage intake. Why? She had already been in the ER once last week. Seeing how little she was consuming or drinking was making me wonder if another ER visit would be in our future before the weekend was up.

"I have so. I am not a child!" was my mom's response.

"You know what? I don't want my Merry Christmas to be spent in the ER while they rehydrate you - again! I know food and all tastes like crap - but you have to drink and eat anyway. So what would you like?"

At one point she was hiding from me in her bedroom.

Seeing my mom not able to keep herself warm, barely being able to stand, was driving me nuts. Too many naps throughout the day. Too many "be quiet for grandma" was being said. Too many discussions with Dad about what we should make that maybe would entice her to eat.

It became clear - my mom was her own worst enemy.

And there was nothing I could do but nag her.

And doing that was only making me feel better.

I had to remind my brothers that the phrase for what Mom is going through is "chronic illness". There was no magic pill - only a magic regiment of meds and diet that was going to fix this. The problem is - they have to discover what that is through trial and error. And Mom wasn't helping things.

Saturday night, as we waited for the girls to go to sleep so that Santa could visit, I sat down and cried. I wondered if us being there was the best thing. Earlier in the day, we had gone to the department store to buy her a table top tree just so there would be something Christmas in the house. We had spent a lot of time cooking food that would make her feel better. And all I felt was stress. All she was feeling was annoyance and discomfort and like she was in the middle of chaos. And I was feeling like we were doing more harm than good.

And I was regretting the trip as all it was doing was giving me anxiety that I did not need.

And this was my girls' time with grandma - seeing their mother nag them and Grandma.

Fun.

Sunday proved to be a bit better. With each bite or request my mom made, we all silently thanked the universe that she was requesting it. We had all made a silent vow that we would do what you do with little kids when they are being temperamental - we were going to pretend we weren't noticing as we were all keeping track.

She did better on Sunday, but was driving us all a bit crazy with her frustration with us. But it wasn't stopping us completely - just making us change tactics. It was hard for the kids though - the grandkids actually - because Grandma was being grumpy so they ended up ignoring her. While I hated that for her, I couldn't blame the kids. It's a kid reaction. Grumpy adults are to be ignored.

The thing I was grateful for - my brothers learned that if they both bring alcohol to my parents' house that my mom won't say anything. Beer is good.

Yesterday, she did better. She actually was moving around. She was getting her own food. She was asking for more to drink. Her color was good. And I can only hope that trend continues.

All I know is that this was a hard Christmas for me. Hard to see her hurt. Hard to have to fight with her. Hard to get this all-to-real glimpse of what is to come in the future.

While I am glad we went down there, on one hand, I am simultaneously wishing we had stayed home.

It was hard.