Right Turn without Signaling

Bad Poly - No Cracker

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:56:00 +0000

"You clearly don't know what poly is, so maybe I should re-evaluated OUR relationship!"

The line that prompted this post.

The line said by the spouse of my best friend.

A line said when he lashed out her, in anger, because she set a boundary.

It's funny because when she relayed this to me - in tears - I think the steam was starting to come out of my ears. Why (besides the obvious)? Because this is a clear cut case of bad poly - or, poly used to try to excuse the selfishness of one partner.

And for me - someone who has experience with good poly both as the partner of a spouse in a poly relationship as well as in a good poly relationship myself, I hate hate HATE seeing someone give poly as a concept a bad name.

Look, I'm not going to go into a situation that is kind of like a stay-at-home mom vs a working mom debate. I think whatever model works for you and the people in it is critical. But if it stops working, you have to stop doing it and re-evaluate. The risk is too great.

And I'm sorry but "it's because I want this" isn't the right answer.

It's the childish answer.

And that, is not poly.

I can only speak to my experience. But poly for me is selfless. It is communication at a degree that is almost funny to listen to. It's about making sure everyone in the relationship is getting what they need. It doesn't require friendships all around, but it does require respect. Respect over the people and their needs - among all partners. Respect over the relationships and what they do positively to the other relationships. And it requires caring. It requires understanding that fair is not always equal and equal is not always fair.

Let's dive into a few of things.

Poly is selfless. It's about understanding that you are not what it is all about. You are not the one who gets all needs met while others have to compromise. It means compromising when you need to do it. It's about making sure you can balance everyone else's needs and your own. It's about taking into consideration the other partners - internal consideration - and acting upon it.

It's not about getting upset because others have needs and you don't want to think about them as it might cut into your "play time". It's not all about you - it's about everyone.

Which is why communication is required - not basic communication but advanced communication skills. It's about being able to speak and listen in a way that communicates where you are at, why something upset you, etc. And having the ability to listen and work through how to keep it from happening again. It's about pushing aside the overly emotional responses of anger - and realizing that in order to make this all work - you have to be willing to hear the hard stuff and respond as an adult. Not with rage or accusations or blackmail or bullying techniques.

While shit happens and it can happen, it's also about stepping back after such a bad communication and saying "I'm sorry - that was not fair to you." Because if everyone can't speak freely and honestly in all directions, that's not good. It is a prime breeding ground for lying and deception. And that is NOT poly - that's cheating.

Making sure everyone is getting what they need is an interesting one as it requires respect. Let me give you a real world example. SB has had something happen in his life that is sudden and not easy to process. Upon hearing this, G's first response was "if he needs you - you go be there for him. that is the right thing to do - so don't worry about things here - I've got them handled." He did not offer this once but three times in the past week. Why? Because he respects SB. He respects the relationship we have - and it is the right thing to do to make sure that SB gets the support he needs without worrying that it could cause other issues in the other relationship. It is respect coupled with the right thing to do. The human thing to do.

Now where this can go sideways is when one of the partners is always in crisis and is always expecting to have people at their beckon call without issue. While that is a nice idea, this starts going into squeaky wheel space whereby one partner figures out how to get all of the attention by just being louder. That is bad poly.

Good poly is alway respecting the other partners. In that case above, I thanked G repeatedly for being so willing to take on more of the parenting responsibility and such because of what was going on. I made sure he realized how much I appreciated his respect for my relationship with SB but for the understanding of what was happening. It's funny because a few weeks ago when all things were open in terms of where I could be one night, SB weighed into it all with "you know - you should be at home. Not because I don't want you, but it feels like the right thing for the situation. I'll take you home with me if you decide to do that, but I feel that this is a time for being with G."

So interesting how consideration and respect and communication can go a long LONG way.

In my friend's case, I don't know what to advise her. Close the relationship and fix the core relationship is the logical step, but given her spouse is in the land of the selfish complicates things. Makes me wonder if he can snap out of it so it can be saved.

All I know it this - poly is not easy. It takes a lot of fucking juggling. But it has a great reward when it works and all pistons are firing right - with all the different relationships. When you hit that stride, it feels worth it - it feels like it's right - it feels good. And no one is left behind.

For when people start feeling left behind, it can be the beginning of the end especially if no one else notices or cares.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 20 May 2013 13:30:00 +0000

The universe has a way of closing a door and opening a window. Don't stop looking for the window.

Simple and true. It's easy to complicate simple things. Over thinking something that has no more or less meaning than is in the words.

This is where your strength lies - your power - is in your experiences and in your story and in your vision. Don't ever underestimate it - or let someone think it is not important.

Know this - you can either change someone for good or bad. Don't waste it. Use your powers for good. Not evil.

Feeling Blessed

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 20 May 2013 05:04:00 +0000

Daddy.

My other love.

SB.

My boy friend.

No matter what I call him. Nothing seems to capture all of how he makes me feel. I wrote months ago about how it's easy for people to call what we were going through as NRE (or new relationship energy) - but it didn't feel that way. Nearly six months later, and that feeling has not changed. I feel our energy not waning but growing. As we giggle our asses off at each other during a kink scene - feeding each other energy that just takes things higher and higher. Instead of settling into a routine where it risks much of the same.

And the way I feel about him is doing the same.

He is truly my other love.

Had I not learned so much about energy during my tantra classes last year, I would not understand some of the connections we have. I would not understand the buzzing I feel when I touch him and him me after a scene. I would not understand why we seem to know when we each are feeling things that require the other. We seem to have a connection I have only found with few others.

And it's amazing.

He came to dinner last night - dinner with the kids - dinner and a zombie movie. He walked in - the kids said hello - displayed their craziness as I expected - and we had a good night. He and I were curled up together on the couch. DJ was sitting next to me while Indigo sat in a chair. And we laughed, made snarky comments, and just enjoyed the night. A relaxing "family night" if you will. And it felt so incredibly right. Hell, the kids just accepted them as he belonged - and acted accordingly. No best behavior here.

Funny how life goes.

I would not change it. For to change it would be to miss the opportunity to connect with a man who has brought so much into my life. Things I didn't realize I needed. But things I would not trade for anything.

I am truly blessed.....

....and loved.

Random Photos

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 15 May 2013 01:01:00 +0000

Off

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 14 May 2013 23:30:00 +0000

I felt off the minute I woke up this morning. While I slept like a log, the idea of just pulling the covers back up and over my head seemed like the right course of action. So I did until necessity dictated I actually get up and go to work.

I have been having disjointed dreams this week. And while in the past, pieces of those dreams upon analysis in a dream dictionary would yield growth themes - struggles I was trying to overcome, patterns I was trying to break, etc. My dreams lately have all had themes of contentment, satisfaction, sex (positive meanings), and happy themes. Just all dreams in weird ways - in weird themes that even have me going "what the fuck is that all about?"

I don't often dream - but when I do, I think my subconscious tries to play catch-up leaving me tired and disjointed as I wake up.

Then work has been, well, work.

I don't feel like I can find the cadence right now. I'm surrounded by people who seem content in the chaos, in the crises, even if it is all self-made and artificial. At one point today, I had three email strings with most of the same people on it, discussing the same exact issue, but coming at it from different angles. And I felt like the crazy one when I finally yelled STOP to them all.

Yeah, when I'm off, tact is out the fucking window.

Someone announced in a meeting that I was being mean for doing that. While half of the room nodded in agreement that I could be mean, I pointed out that I get shit down - so buck-up. They all nodded.

Then we went on to discuss everything - EVERY.FUCKING.THING that could be behind schedule because of this or that reason - is behind schedule. Imagine that feeling - looking at the huge to-do list - in my case 43 countries - and realizing that they are all off their rails with major issues. What a great feeling!

And on top of work, I have friends going through some poly crap, I mean, fun. A breakup between one and his partner has caused old habits to re-emerge. Old habits that have his primary partner wanting to wallop him, but at the same time wanting to wallop the former partner. Games abound. And hearing this - trying to be a good friend - takes a lot out of me. Seems I cannot escape the venting sometimes.

I know there are other drivers for me feeling off. No need to list them all. Just funny how "feeling off" can sort of have a domino effect on things. How forgetting about some "self care" can just feed that "off" cycle.

Guess I need to take care of me tonight. It's time to try to turn the "off feeling" off, if I can. (And turn off my cell phone.)

Else, this will just continue. I know how this works for me.

Oh, and let's talk about the weird factor too while we are at it.

I have a person who has pushed me away, publicly bash me (while not naming me exactly) who has all of a sudden showing up by "adding" me back into her online life. Seeing that today has resulted in a WTF feeling.

Then there is the bus that was surrounded by police in front of my building. Turns out a male passenger ejaculated into the hair of a female passenger in front of him. WTF?!? Apparently that took 6 police officers to deal with that one. (That is how many I counted.)

Yeah, no wonder I'm in a weird headspace.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:00:00 +0000

Something I am re-learning myself.

AMEN! Happy sigh - amen.

Yes! When we get caught up on our mistakes, we are unhappy. All people make mistakes. Accept it and move on. Oh, and don't forget the lesson it taught you.

Gotta love Dr Seuss.

Mother's Day - Reflections on Being a Mom

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 13 May 2013 01:37:00 +0000

SB said to me a few weeks ago: "I am glad you had the chance to be a mom."

We had been talking about kids - and our different views on it. I was pretty indifferent about having kids - truth be told. While many would have killed G and me for not having had that conversation before marriage, I just didn't care. Have them - don't have them - whatever.

So when G announced we were going to start a family a year from that day, I was sort of like "huh?" When did he ask me?? And who said I wanted kids.

Apparently - it worked out. Two kids later - two girls, born to a woman who was surrounded by boys. And I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Funny how the universe gives you what you need. And I guess I needed two kids - two strong willed, smart assed girls to raise.

Thank the deity of your choice.

I love them. I am always in awe of how they are. I am in awe of how they look at the world - at how they are figuring out how to relate to the world. I somethings look at these kids -both of whom are almost as tall if not taller than me, and I am blown away. We created that. We did that. We nurtured them to the point they are at today.

Wow.

Today, we had brunch at our house - three generations of women under one roof - my mom, G's mom, me, and the girls. We laughed. We worked together. We ate. And it was great.

I couldn't help but think of my own grandma when my mom yelled up at DJ and told her to wear whatever she wanted - it was more important she was with us than it was what she was dressed like. It didn't matter. She was perfect the way she was - the way she is. And yes, my mom said that.

And as Indigo cleared the table, my MIL gave her a hug in thanks. "I can't believe how big she's getting - almost as tall as DJ." Yeah, I know that feeling.

There are times when I'm sure it would have been easier for me not having them while handling other things. But a good sailor is not made by calm waters - it is made by rough seas.

I am a better person in many ways - all because I'm called Moe - my kids' name for me.

Funny how the universe gives you what you need.

Thank you for it.

I love them - and would have it no other way.

Anything Can Happen Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:55:00 +0000

Otherwise known as - "Emmy doesn't have a single thing to write about so she is going to use the great bullet point method"

After getting the final Sookie Stackhouse book on my kindle Tuesday (yay pre-order on Amazon), I came home from work and stayed up until almost 1am reading it. Yes, I read the whole thing. My impressions: not a huge surprise - and things were wrapped up neatly. While I appreciated that we got a glimpse at everyone in her universe (or what felt like everyone), I found it unnecessary for me. Was it my favorite book? Nah. Was it what it needed to be? Yep. I do have to laugh at the people all up in arms over how things turned out. Why? Because I have seen Charlaine Harris twice - in person - and each time she made the same things abundantly clear about the characters in question. I guess, I listened better than most & believed her. Shrug. I guess I found it ended as it needed to end - exactly as it needed to end. So, if you read the book and are angry - stop making death threats to the author. Seriously. (and yes, they are making death threats)

My boss continues to kiss my butt in support for untangling the mess he and the team created in my two day absence last Friday and this Monday. The look of relief on his face each day he finds me standing here at my desk working is priceless. I knew I was leaving him a few balls in the air to juggle, but I think he realized that they aren't going to juggle themselves - you have to make sure they are going - actively. Funny how his attitude has shifted to us being partners vs me being just another minion.
Oh and while I could bitch and moan all day about how idiotic my team is - I must clarify one thing - my developer is a superstar! She is the only reason right now that we are not further behind than we are.
I am going to finish planting my garden this weekend. I'm excited. Digging in the dirt is good for the soul.
My cat has taken to laying on me while I sleep. It's not like I sleep on my stomach or on my back - nope - I sleep on my side. So she sleeps on my hip. Or on my rib cage. It can't be comfortable for her. I know it's weird to wake up to realize I have a cat perched on top of me. I suspect she is doing it because it's warm. While she doesn't show signs of arthritis, she is starting to act like an old cat. Sigh. We have a geriatric pet house right now.
Do I have to work today? The upside: I have no meetings today. Ahhh....such a nice feeling. Yesterday was meetings solid all day.
And I leave you with this to ponder:

How confident do you feel today?

Happy Thursday!

Asking the Right Question

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 07 May 2013 16:20:00 +0000

The other day, G was venting to me about the administrator in his school asking for yet more details about his lessons. Each week, he provides details to her about the lessons planned - and each week he gets a "great - but, can you include..." response.

Each time he gets the message, he vents about it. He gets frustrated. He's annoyed. He's pissy about how much more work he is being asked to do. He wonders if she is trying to push him out of the school. Overall, her email is seen as negative - so he goes negative.

Sunday's rant was typical. We talked about how he could approach it. Maybe bury her with info. Maybe doing this or that, when finally, he said - "I need to talk to her."

Turns out he had just been getting frustrated - gave her what she wanted - then started the cycle over.

"Have you ever asked her what the problem is she is trying to solve by asking you to do all of this work?"

Nope. He had not.

So he did. Turns out what was being viewed as a personal attack on his style and method of teaching was not that. It was a communication issue. Parents asked - she didn't know how to answer - so she was trying to get educated to answer appropriately by asking all of these questions. Her problem was not being fixed by her solution. And because neither was asking the right question - the wrong answer was always given.

I had a mentor a long time ago who used to remind us as IT people to ask that question. People like solutions - they like believing they know what they need, so they ask for it. Then we would deliver it, and they would be frustrated because it did not solve their problem. So, instead of doing that cycle again and again - he would remind us to ask "what is the problem you are trying to solve?"

I found throughout the years that asking that question in times where emotions are flying high - when people are frustrated by the answer I'm giving. Asking for confirmation that I understood the problem was key. What is the problem you are trying to solve? Or you are looking to solve? Or you are looking for me to understand? Variations of this question have shut down many an emotional discussions.

But sometimes it is hard - to shift from emotional and logical. Setting asides that emotion for the time being so you can deal with the issue at hand - the issue causing your emotions.

It's funny though - doing it always has some interesting results.

And you realize how all of that frustration and venting and ranting and anger was not worth it all.

Had you just asked the right question......

Motivational Monday and Quick Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 06 May 2013 04:21:00 +0000

Saturday was my birthday. And a great day was had. Relaxing, lazy day - then a celebration with all of the people in my life that I care about. Brian and SB were there. My friends were there. We ate, we drank, and we laughed. I got two amazing art pieces - one from Lili of an ongoing joke we have had about unicorns and narwals. The other from another friend - Miss Piggy being spanked by Kermit. Both women are incredibly talented - and I was very happy to have a piece of art to call my own from each of them. Good stuff.

Then I ended the night with birthday spankings - from three sadists who can't count. Or I can't - depending on who you talked to. Good stuff. And ouchy stuff. Funniest part of the night was one of the sadists teaching the husband how to spank his wife. Full on demonstration. Then she made the classic mistake - asking what something felt like - a cane, a single tail, etc. That was funny. Three giddy sadists happy to show her what something felt like. Perfect.

Okay, onto the motivation....

This is one I have learned more and more over the past year. Be with people who help your being. This does not mean they must help you - that the relationship is one sided. It means that these are people who help you grow - help you blossom - challenge your thinking - do not stifle - feed your soul as much as you feed theirs. These are people who make you feel like a better person just by being around them. Not because they are an example of what you are glad not to have in your life - but because their energy feeds your energy and you feel taken to a new level each time you are with them. Choose those people in your life. Cherish them. Tell them. Be with them.

This reminded me a bit of something my Tantra teacher would say - energy goes where your attention goes. You feed by where you focus - what your attitude is feeds life's attitude towards us. There is always a connection. Feed what you want to see as a result - not what you don't. Feel like life is treating you unfair? Start being fair in your life. It's all connected.

I like it when people say "I didn't know better" as though that is a get out of jail card. I like this. If you know better, than do better - be better. Don't use it as an excuse - use it as a ladder to reach higher and be a better person.

Don't forget you. How are you going to make sure you don't this week?

"Anything Can Happen" Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Thu, 02 May 2013 20:27:00 +0000

....And it did....

So, I was too busy to post something earlier - but I awoke to an email that I had to read five times then get G to verify I was reading it right.....

"We are delighted to inform you that you have been selected to exhibit in the 2013 Seattle Erotic Art Festival. Your work was among the 12% chosen from 1,500+ submissions received from almost 500 artists.

Congratulations!"

Holy FUCK!

I am blown away. Two shows I have submitted photographs to in the past six months - and both shows had photos accepted. Wow.

Needless to say, coffee was not needed this morning as I was bouncing off the walls and still am.

Now begins the printing nightmare. I mean, the printing fun. Now that I know of a good printer, it shouldn't be too bad. But still. I'm picky with how the photos look.

Ok - now try to work some more.

Between this news, the fact I slept like crap, and the fact I'm seeing SB tonight - I am all over the place. Focus is not being had.

Oh yeah, and it's supposed to get to 77 degree today.

Today is a good day.

Wednesday Wanderings Thru Emmy's Brain....

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 01 May 2013 16:10:00 +0000

1. How many times can the idiots I work with break the damn coffee machine? Apparently, once a day (in the early morning, of course) every day over the past two weeks. I think we brought on board a new person who is unable to push the buttons without playing with the thing. Not a good way to start the day when you are rushing to get to a meeting and don't have time to grab a cup.

2. After major fuck ups from my team, we took three more countries live. The other three were pushed out. I guess our system cannot handle the additional users. 200 users is too much - for a company with over 20,000 people worldwide. Not much more I need to say about that - as I'm sure the appropriate WTF is being thought - and I have no good explanation.

3. No good deed goes unpunished shines through again. More work landed on my lap today. Good times. Because managing 20 projects isn't enough. But, to quote the big boss of our team - "we don't have anyone else we can trust." Sigh.

4. Our yellow lab has hit that point where we are now wondering when is the right time for the end. Too many things are happening and all due to old age. Poor guy. And as he gets worse, we worry we are not doing enough - we are not being good dog parents. It's so hard at this point. Wanting a concrete way to say "it's time to let him pass in peace" and knowing there is nothing concrete about it. Sigh.

5. On a more positive note, it's supposed to be 80 starting tomorrow and through the weekend. Good stuff.

6. Oh and happy May Day! It's time for suckling country pleasures. Click here to understand it. And go read the damn poem too! It's also at that link.

7. Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize how good life is? Yeah, I've been having one of those moments - for the past week especially where the feeling is overwhelmingly - wow. I have great men in my life - my husband and my other love. The kids are great. Work is good. Life is wonderful. I can't help but smile - a lot - for a lot of different reasons.

And on that note....

So I Let Him

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 02:06:00 +0000

His fingers are like vices. No nipple clamps can compete. And he rarely starts off gentle - he goes in right away and squeeze them hard to solicit the reaction he likes - my cry of surprise, my whimpering in pain.

I can hear his smirk without even looking when he asks, "What's wrong, baby? Does that hurt?"

What I don't say is "it hurts like a mother fucker, Daddy."

I can't say it.

I'm trying to handle the pain - ride the waves until it crashes onto that beach of pleasure that I like. I try to relax into it - let it carry me there, but it's hard - fighting that urge to resist it all. I try to breath through it - moan through it - scream into the pillow as he squeezes and pulls and twists.

And without even looking or touching, I know he is smiling - I know his cock is hard - I know he loves it.

Then he will let go of them suddenly. The blood rushing into my nipples brings on a whole new sensation - a whole new pain. But I breath and try to recover from the endorphin rush that gives me - as I process the cane on my ass - or his hand - or his paddle.

When I feel his hand slide down my body towards my nipples again, I twist and I press flat - trying to do what I can to stop his fingers from latching on again. But it doesn't matter, he finds his target none the less.

I cry out "No" but only hear back in a voice that tells me to take him seriously, "You don't get to say 'no' - you know that."

I try to cover my breasts - hide my nipples from his fingers. But he simply directs his attention elsewhere. Take that whippy cane in hand, and bringing down on my ass over and over and over again until it feels like it is cutting into my skin. He commands me to "Be a good girl" as his blows land on my ass in that same fucking spot, over and over again.

Until I realize, the only way to make it stop is to put my arms down - and give myself over to Daddy. To let him take my nipples between his fingers and abuse them as he sees fit. Submission is my only option. To be good and let him have his way.

So I give it to him. Willingly. Knowing that while it hurts - it will get better - knowing he will make that wave of pain take me to that place of pleasure. Knowing that he will take care of his girl - if only I let him.

So I let him by giving myself to him to abuse. To use.

And while it may sound like I hate it, my pussy drips for him. He know how to work my body to give me what I need.

I just have to let him.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 14:00:00 +0000

One of those Days

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 05:15:00 +0000

Oh Lord, has it been one of the days. Fuck, it's been one of those weeks.

It's funny to think that a year ago, I was working from 7:30am to 2:30am. I did that once a week for 5 weeks as we were trying to take the software live.

This week, it is a bunch of people fucking up. A bunch of people not doing their job but giving me a line of bullshit. While others were questioning every move I make. Fuck.

Then I come home, and on the way, make a comment that comes across wrong. Fuck. Wrong message - wrong tone. Too much risk.

It's funny how I can self-sabotage when I need people the most.

It sucks when I need people the most and don't know how to communicate it or ask for it or deal with it. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be self sufficient. I'm supposed to be fine.

And when I'm not - I'm not.

Fuck.

So I try to self-sooth. I try to find my own outlet. I try.

But sometimes the usual things do not work.

Tonight is one of those nights. A need for hugs and cuddle and kisses. A night to be a baby girl and not the strong project manager. But I deal. I crawl into bed with a movie, a glass of wine, and my teddy bear and try to find peace.

It's funny how alone I can feel.

I can only hope for finding peace and sleep and renewal.

Finding the Light

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 04:06:00 +0000

I'm feeling mushy.

Squishy too, but that's a different problem, if you will.

When a combination of stress, lack of sleep and allergies come together, I fly high on the adrenaline, then I crash. I feel down. I feel low. I feel sensitive. I feel mushy - or more like overly emotional in certain areas. I want sleep and sun and naps and cuddles and hugs and kisses and chocolate and coffee and comfort food.

In other words, I am having stress related drop and I need aftercare.

So while I sit there in the middle of it trying to figure out what the fuck is going on - where these emotions are coming from - what are they really - I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I need people but can't communicate what's going on with any sort of accuracy to explain what I need.

All I know is what I feel.

And even that, I don't understand.

Making it worse today was the fact it was 75 degrees outside - sunny - beautiful - and a glimpse of what is to come. All of this is going on outside of the windowless room we are sequestered into for the day. They brought us food. And each time I thought maybe I could sneak out, my boss would sneak out and ask me to hold down the fort - the fucker.

So there I sat, in a windowless room - allergies going nuts because besides the pollen, the room they chose for us is newly remodeled which means I'm sure there was no dust in there at all "eye roll". I chatted with a few people here and there. But mainly I tried to keep the cats going forward - and keeping them communicating - and keeping them from fucking up any more than they already had. Oh yeah, and undoing a fuck up that happened under my watch yesterday. That was great fun right there. Sigh.

Anyway, so here I am sitting there feeling off, not understanding why - feeling pouty because I'm stuck in a fucking windowless room with 15 other people - all who are talking at once so you can't either follow a conversation or hear yourself think. And I feel like I'm sinking further.

When all things seemed to be in hand, I finally said screw it - call me if you need me - I'm going home. When I walk - I rarely meander. I have a destination, so I get there. No screwing around. I walk. Today, as I felt the warmth hit me - felt the sunshine on my face - I wandered to the car. I tried to leave the crappy feeling at work.

Then I got home - and went into my poor, neglected garden. I unearthed the strawberries from the weeds. I cleaned out the old bean vines. I tackeld the huge mountain of blackberry vines that grew into our yard from our neighbor's yard. I pulled and cut and swore and bled and swore some more. And in the process found my compost pile with great compost in it. Found the raspberry canes that found their way in the blackberries - competing with them instead of losing to them. I found that my artichoke plant is happy and multiplied. My sweet onions are going crazy with new onions. I found a few beets that continued to grow. And as I made my way around the raised beds, clearing weeds, pulling vines, cutting back plants that are a bit out of control but in a good way - I felt good cleaning it up. Felt my mood raising - felt like as I was tearing out the weeds and the blackberries that I was tearing out the crappy mood and leaving it behind.

I went back through and tilled up the dirt in the beds. I discovered that my clematis is going to explode with blooms this year. The little vine that could is proving it is a survivor despite my worry that I would need to just give up on it.

What an amazing metaphor for my day. That through the brambles and the disarray, you can find things blooming - things that are working hard to survive - to push through the weeds and find the sun.

I like that analogy.

I was able to do that today.

I let the energy from the earth - the energy of happy people outside enjoying the day - feed me so that I could push through the crap and find the sun myself.

Good stuff.

A new day

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:57:00 +0000

Yesterday was one of those days where it is a good thing I don't have weapons at work. We will ignore for a moment there are lots of things around me that could be used as a weapon. It doesn't matter. Had a had something that was a weapon on my person, I would have beat a few people.

Stupid started early and came often during my workday. We are in a crunch time, and while I know that people react to intense stress in many different ways, I find focus in it. It is like the crap falls away and the only thing left is the clear path to the finish line. It's a beautiful thing actually.

Until people try to toss shit back onto my clear path. Until people start trying to divert the attention from the finish line and the path to get there and onto the stupid and meaningless.

Then I want to start throttling people. Especially after I ask how this fits in with our critical path - and they agree - openly - that it does not. Only to demand it get the attention anyway.

As SB has often commented - I don't suffer fools gladly.

I realize that in times of stress, my patience is out the window. Normally I can summons it when needed but yesterday was an exception. It was at home, hiding under the bed, or being hidden by the dog. Who knows. It was not anywhere near my reach.

From the start of the day, the fools came my way. It was a constant stream of stupid. And the stupid was amazing. There were times I literally asked them why we were having this conversation to which they would respond with a half-assed answer and keep going. I couldn't shut it down or derail it to save my life.

And as this happened - my inner bitch who wanted to kill someone got louder and louder.

I finally snuck out of work. Nothing more could be done. It was time to leave quietly.

I walked slowly to my car - trying to soak in the sunshine and let go of the negative energy. I was doing a fairly good job until I went to work meeting at the gallery.

We had agreed to exactly what needed to happen. Exactly the to-do-list we needed to get done. All black and white - nothing was grey.

Then my helper showed up - and dicked around - and drove me nuts.

I sent a text of that nature to SB - venting a bit.

His response made me giggle.

It was like that moment broke the ice.

G sent me something that made me laugh too.

Then we all met at home and went to dinner.

And DJ was her snarky self. And next thing you know - we are all laughing. The day is gone. The things that are important are shining through - the people who are important are shining through - G, DJ, SB - all of them reminded me to laugh. Or at least visual great uses for hammers.

And while today is a new day.....it should be a better one.

At least, that's the hope.

A Rant: My Friendship Warning

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 13:30:00 +0000

note: I have been dealing with a shit load of passive aggressive behavior lately from someone in the community. This is my way of venting my frustrations about the situation without getting into what has happened. I think you, my dear readers, are smart enough you can fill in enough blanks. Regardless, this is my scream into the ethernet. thank you for listening.

Warning:

Even if I consider you a friend and you call me one, I retain the right to have an opinion about a topic. I reserve the right to suggest that maybe your issues are above my friend skillset - and may do something radical like suggest you find professional help. Hell, I may even help you find it if you need it.

To be a friend is not to get dumped on constantly. It is not to agree to hear 6-10 hrs a day to your problems. The same problems - the same problems that don't seem to be getting better with time - but worse. And to be your friend is to suggest the hard thing - it comes not from a place of annoyance but one of love.

I warn because I care about people in my life. If you ask for advice - want a solution - I'm not shy with making suggestions. But, if you are looking for someone to enable you - to coddle you for long periods of time - to not tell you the truth - then I am not the person with which to form a friendship.

See, I don't expect you to take everything I say as gospel. I won't hold you hostage by saying "if you don't do this, then you can't be my friend." But I may say - in those rare cases where life has tackled you and you don't feel you can get up with the help of those around you to seek help from someone more skilled than I am. I may say it not because I don't want to be friends but because I truly care - truly want to see you get your life back - truly want to see you happy.

And If I follow it with "I can't be that ear anymore" - it is not because I hate you. Or because I am trying to make you do something you don't want to do. It is because I can't help you. See, I feel for my friends - it affects me when someone I care about is drowning and I can't help. And I may have to take a step back - to take care of me - to get myself to a good place again - one that can allow me to be a good friend.

You can respect that boundary - or you can read into it.

That is your choice.

But one thing I won't do is let anyone to compromise my self-care by trying to put themselves above me in the situation. Show me the respect I am showing you by respecting me back.

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 14:00:00 +0000

Are you letting Serendipity find you? Sometimes people spend more energy and focus on what they don't want that they miss the joys of stumbling across something that is truly wonderful. Where is your focus?

Pay the price of being yourself. Don't be like everyone else. We need more unique and less group-mentality in this world.

Sometimes burning a bridge is good. Helps make sure you don't make the same mistake.

What gardens are you planting? Not just plants or seeds, but are you planting love with someone? Friendship? Because all of those things are believing in tomorrow as well.

So How Was Your Day....

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 03:50:00 +0000

DJ asked me this as I was making dinner. I had just put dinner in the oven as she asked.

"Well, let me explain my day. I sent an email to a person I work with asking 'what time will the food come out of the oven?' Easy question - right?"

"Right."

"So imagine if she answers like this: 'What do you mean what time will it come out of the oven?? How can I answer that when there are crumbs on the counter?!? And this knife?? What am I supposed to do with that? You ask me about what's in the oven?!'"

DJ is about ready to fall over from laughter.

"So I ask her, 'Well, you just put the food in the oven, so I assume you know when to take it out. Are you saying it isn't?' Then she responds..." I pick up the mango on the counter, "'But think about the MANGO!! Don't you ever think about the MANGO? Do you not understand how hard it is to be a MANGO??'"

"The Mango..." DJ giggles before I continue.

"And meanwhile, while she is going off on all of the mangos and the crumbs and the knife, my cohorts and I are looking at each other wonder 'WTF is her problem? Why can't she just tell us when it will be out of the oven??'"

DJ is crying at this point now.

"So while she is ranting about the mango, blaming me for the crumbs, I decided that I was done. So I emailed her and our peers simply this: 'Look, you are just going to bitch and moan when the thing comes out of the oven and we aren't ready for you. So why don't you cut the crap, and let us help you instead of tossing us under the bus by trying to distract the world with the mango. Seriously, if you want to be successful, help me help you by telling me when the fuck it comes out of the oven already!'"

"What did she say," asked DJ as she is wiping away her tears.

I picked up the mango again and said "'But think about the MANGO!!!' Seriously, she misses the point. So I sent it, and I left. I was done. I have done."

"How do you work with these people?" DJ asked as she laughed.

"I don't know some days. I really don't."

"Damn cats." DJ knows my analogy for what I do.

And now she will associate Mangos with it too.

What a week!

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 15:51:00 +0000

What a fucking week!!

The Boston Marathon bombing.

The explosion in West, Texas.

The shootout overnight in Boston between the suspects & police.

Ricin laced letters being sent to government officials.

Flooding in the Midwest.

And don't forget the snow they are still being hit with.

Maybe hell is freezing over.

While our thoughts and hearts are with those in Texas and Boston as they continue figuring out what happened, by whom, tend to the wounded, and cry for those lost - I think it's time for some happiness - some positive - some good stories.

Like the guy who after losing his son in Iraq and his other son to suicide, ended up being a hero post-bombing. He rose to the occasion and jumped in to help.

Or the stories about people inviting strangers - marathon runners stranded from the chaos - into their homes. Giving them safety and a place to go when the chaos ensued.

Or the businesses who did the same thing. There was a great story of an Apple store who took people in - loaned them phones to text their loved ones. Gave them jackets and all to be warm - and generally took care of them.

The citizens in West, Texas who ran to help those in nursing homes - who were off duty and responded to the fire - who are still going door-to-door making sure everyone is accounted for.

Or how about the man in his 70s who was involved in a car accident - and whose dog kept him warm until they found him days later. They said he was in surprisingly good shape given he had been without food or water for several days. That's a happy ending.

Or the amazing photographer who shot some incredible photos of a 12 year old boy who has muscular dystrophy. She had him skateboarding, playing basketball and doing all of the stuff he could never do.

It's easy to get sucked into the negative. It's easy to follow the news and get sucked into the drama. And it is horrible - don't get me wrong. I would never say it was anything but tragic the crap that has happened this week.

I guess, just like anything else in life - we can follow the bad - the blame game, the speculation of who and the why - or you can be in awe of the people who stepped up their game to be heroes. Because it is times like this, where the heroes can be forgotten. The heroes can get overshadowed by the tragedy. There is plenty to mourn. There is plenty to shake one's head at and wonder why. But there are some amazing people out there too. We just need to make sure they get more of the spotlight because they are truly the people shining.

Yawwwwwn!

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:52:00 +0000

G has always joked that when I am not sleeping all night over the course of several days, a little anal sex would fix that. His theory was proven once - after a romp with some anal left me tired and sleeping well throughout the night.

So when I sleep poorly after some anal sex, he is left baffled. I think it's because he did his part to help - what am I doing?

Oh, and to be clear - this is a joke not anything he or I take seriously. Just one of those weird spousal behavioral connections that he has made. Kind of like when I rub my feet together when trying to sleep - he knows I'm having problems sleeping.

So I laid there at 1:30am in the morning, wide awake and wonder if I should just say fuck it and get out of bed. Instead I grabbed my iPad with the intent or reading. Yeah, reading would put me to sleep.

Instead, I checked email, looked at Fetlife, noticed certain people were up late too, checked FB to see that my high school friend was up way too late but then again she is recovering from having a mastectomy, and then I read.

And still couldn't fall asleep.

My mind instead started drifting to my date a week ago with SB. And as those images replayed in my mind, I decided an orgasm may help - since I have a memory reel of some hot times with SB going, it may help in a few ways. So I laid there, enjoying the memories as they drifted through my mind and washed through my body - and quietly brought myself to an orgasm - being careful not to wake up anyone. (The joys of being able to get off using manual stimulation vs a vibrator.)

Then as I lay there recovering, my brain went, "That was nice, remember how last Thursday was? What was great too. You should think about that too."

Fucking brain.

Though I will give to my brain, it picked some great things to think about....happy sigh.

So I went back to reading. But my brain was still too wound up - it didn't want to read - it wanted to do stuff. It had ideas.

But the logical part of me knew that getting up and following my brain would lead me astray. And lead me to have even less sleep.

So I tossed and turned and made myself read - and finally fell asleep. Don't ask me what time.

Today I have had 6 shots of espresso so far. No good.

Oh well, who needs sleep. I'll sleep when i'm dead, right?

"So shines a good deed in a weary world."

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 14:00:00 +0000

They were late. Having left her taekwondo practice, they ran headlong into the traffic – the traffic resulting from the “mysterious package” threat that closed down a bridge, transit and such. My 13 yr old DJ had texted to let me know how late they were running. We would figure out dinner when they got home.

It’s funny because yesterday as I watched the events in Boston unfold I wondered what fucking world did I bring my children into? They were getting a world where marathon runners – runners who help their own even if it means they don’t finish in their best time –get attacked by bombs. A world where spectators lose life and limb simply waiting for their family and friends to cross a finish line. Yeah, what a great thing to have to explain to them.

When the family got home, we went across the street to a restaurant in the neighborhood. It was late, and they were hungry. And I was not feeling prepared to cook. While we were sitting there waiting for our food, DJ announced, “I’m not talking all day on Friday.”

Huh?

She went on to explain that she was doing it to bring voice to the men and women who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual and transexual who have been bullied, who have killed themselves because of it, and who ultimately do not have a voice in society today. By not speaking and explaining why, she is raising awareness. Yes, she added pansexual and transexual to her list without any prompting. My 10 year old asked how she was going to explain to her teachers and her taekwondo Master. “Well, I’m going to bring a note of explanation – they can respect it or not, regardless, I will remain silent.”

Wow.

In a time of tragedy and hurt and pain, my daughter is trying to bring attention to another source of pain. Trying to show there are people who care. People who don’t feel like people should be judged by their sexual orientation – but by who they are as a person.

We spoke about the people in our lives who have lived with us throughout the years. Their “Uncle” who is a gay black man – who was kicked out of his house when he came out at 16 – kicked out of his community because he was gay. He is a vital part of our family – our chosen family. We talked about how, when she was a baby, he would tell people that she was his child – that pale, red headed baby – and she was mixed race too.

We spoke about their “brother” – Derek – who lived with us for a couple of years. A gay Latino who’s Dad would beat him trying to make him more macho. The man who we brought into our home when his roommate decided to have her boyfriend move in – a homophobic, violent man who had a history of trying to hurt gay people. A person she still considers her brother.

We talked about my trans friend living here. My 13 year old daughter discussed the importance of pronouns with us. “While I am me – I am not married to male or female pronouns because I am DJ – I know how important it is for people to be identified as they want to be identified. So it’s best to ask.” She told us this, then gaven an example of her cosplay group and how they are expected to ask before assuming. All the while, my 10 year old is soaking it up and asking questions.

And in that moment at dinner, while I’m having this conversation with my daughter – about being who you are – and not letting the world tell you that it is wrong – it is then, I realize. This is why I had kids – this is why WE had kids. Because while the crap that happened in Boston will happen. It’s the way I have taught my kid to think – to look at people – to feel about people – it is that, that will change the world. And fuck, if she thinks this way at 13 and is open about it with her friends and family, I cannot imagine how she will be at 20 and 30 and beyond.

I have no idea how we did it, but we did. I am beyond proud of it. It is that kind of thinking that will change the world. It is that kind of thinking that will give hope.

Wow.

And that is her “Moe” saying that – wow.

Too Smart for Their Own Good

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 16:00:00 +0000

"I don't see a point in doing it, so I don't do it."

DJ's logic about not doing homework. Homework that landed her one F and a D on her report card. Homework she told us she was doing.

Her logic was truly that simply - she didn't believe it was ever going to be useful again, so she just didn't waste her time on it. When reading a nonfiction article for her English class, she decided the content of the article was stupid - so she didn't do it. Missing the bigger picture which was the fact she was learning how to deal with a nonfiction piece instead of their usual fiction piece. It wasn't about the piece itself.

This conversation led her to tell us all of the other "not worth her time" assignments she has skipped and why.

"Wow, you sure are being short sighted, aren't you?"

That got her attention.

We explained why she was learning about nonfiction and why the other things she deemed pointless were necessary. We also explained that if she didn't find the connection right now, it doesn't mean she will never find the connection. Just means, not right now.

It was one of those parenting moments where raising a kid who just doesn't accept everything as it is given to her came back to bite us in the ass.

Unfortunately for DJ - I'm smarter than she is.

"Do you question why your TKD Master makes you do certain things that don't seem to be connected to your next test?"

"No, because it is probably related somehow."

"Why are you assuming your teachers are leading you astray but you have faith in your TKD master?"

That look for "oh shit" came acrossed her face.

Yeah, she is now doing homework. And getting caught up. And asking questions of us if she isn't seeing a reason.

"Don't miss an opportunity to put a tool in your intellectual tool box just because you are 13 and don't see a point right now."

Yeah, I think she left thinking I was the worst mom ever.

I win!

Motivational Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Emmy) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 14:00:00 +0000

You are always a factor. No matter what else is aligned, if you aren't ready - it won't happen.

If you are happy, those around you will be. Make your happy be a priority.

Sometimes what you get is what you are allowing. Consider that - and make adjustments accordingly.

Yes! Don't discount this idea.