Rising From the Pit

No I Haven't Disappeared

2008-05-01T11:52:00.001-07:00

I've been extremely busy. Our normal days are definitely overscheduled. In addition to our normal activities, I've been busy getting ready for an out of town retreat. I'm leaving in just a few hours for the weekend and will be back Sunday evening.

I had planned on blogging from the retreat but I just discovered that I won't have internet access there. There is internet, but it is dial up, and I do not have a dial up provider. So, I have no access. I'm pretty disappointed about that.

So, I'll get back to blogging next week. I have an ACA workbook that I want to blog the answers rather than write them in the workbook or on paper. The whole typing, blogging thing works so much better for me than traditional paper journaling.

Tough Day

2008-04-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

Today was a hard day for me. Someone pushed one of the two biggest buttons I have that set me off into a self-hatred cycle. I started off frustrated to the point of tears and then moved to feeling stupid, incapable, unlikeable, not worth knowing, and thinking the people involved would be better off without me around. Not a good feeling! Fortunately, I have some tools to deal with things these days and was able to think it through. I called a friend for help (left a message), figured out a solution, and then talked out my feelings with a friend. Is it all better yet? No, but I'm dealing with it better than I would have a few years ago.

This is what happened.

I take taekwondo classes with my son. I have several very good reasons to want to take the classes with him. However, I'm finding it pushes me into negative self-talk and behaviors.

I don't do exercise well. I've never felt that good feeling that people say they get from a good workout. I just feel awful both during and after exercise. So, I tend to feel bad about myself as well. I'm old. I'm fat. I'll never be able to do this. This isn't hard. I should be able to do this. I tend to verbally complain a lot too.

I'm also have trouble with remembering things. We have forms (a series of movements) and numerous one-step-sparring moves. I used to have such a good memory but I don't any more. I feel stupid when I can't remember something after being shown it 10 times while my son has it after 1 or 2 times. I'm stupid. I should be able to remember this. What's the point if I can't do something so simple as remember a short sequence of moves?

Then there's my lack of grace and balance. No one else is stumbling and practically falling over when they kick the target. Everyone else can do two or more kicks in quick succession. Why can't I? I'll never be able to do this right. No matter how hard I try, I still get it wrong. Why am I so clumsy? I'm stupid. I can't do this.

So, I've been feeling pretty down about all this lately, thinking I should quit. Then the instructor explains something beyond what I feel my brain and body can handle today. We were practicing sparring, a part of taekwondo that I feel particular inept at. He's trying to tell me that I need to look at how the other person is standing, know what moves they could do from that stance, figure out what they are going to do, how I should response to their movement, and anticipate their response to me, all so I can anticipate that response and get a good kick in. I'm standing there thinking I need an hour to process all that with my slow, inept brain; forget doing it during a sparring match. Then he illustrates it with a movement that includes a fake, a short one-legged hop backwards and to the side to set him up in the correct position to kick, and then kicks. I get nothing from this but I can't hop backwards like that without stumbling. I can't hop and kick in one smooth motion like that; I'm much too slow. I can't even get that kick right; every time I try to do that kick, I hurt my ankle. I can't. I can't. I can't. I try to explain that neither my brain nor my body moves that quickly only to be told I don't need to move quickly, just smart. But I'm dumb when it comes to this. How do I get my feet to move like that without falling? It takes practice. But we don't practice that in class. Yes, we do when we do those drills. We only do those drills once every 3 or 4 weeks. You do them in sparring class (a special class) but you told me not to take sparring class unless I can do the whole class. I can't do the whole class because I'm too old, fat, and out of shape to keep up. It's hopeless. I'm stupid, I can't. I should get give up and quit. Then he told me I complain too much and "we" are tired of hearing it. I guess I really should quit then. If you can't stand to be around me, I should be here. Cry. Tears. I hate being old (I'm 34). I hate being fat (I'm 50lbs overweight). I hate me.

I've been called on my complaining before. They are right, ya know. I realize that. But stopping habits than come from a lifetime of abuse doesn't come easily. I could just keep my mouth shut. Except that doesn't work. Someone eventually says something to me and it doesn't matter what they say, I end up in tears. I spend so much mental energy trying not to screw up (complain) again, telling myself over and over to not talk, not complain, buck up and just do it. I end up working myself into being frustrated and upset that the slightest thing sends me over the edge. So, I don't know how to fix this one.

I have figured out how to handle the frustration when he's telling me to do someone I can't do yet. Rather than saying, "I can't...", I need to say, "I don't know how to do x, show me. I need to know that before I can try doing this."

I've also figured out what I need to say about the sparring class that he told me not to take. He told me not to do it unless I can do the whole class but I'll never be able to do the whole class unless I'm given the chance to do what I can keep up with until I work up to the point of being able to do the whole class.

Now I just have to figure out how to go back to class. I'm still feeling way to frustrated and upset to handle class tomorrow. I'm on the verge of tears just thinking about all this. How am I going to get through class without falling apart emotionally knowing that I need to keep my mouth shut and not let any complaints slip, without feeling stupid for everything I suck at? The reason I wanted to take this class are still there and everyone is telling me not to quit but I just don't know how to survive it emotionally.

Someone reading this may think, "Why not find a better teacher?" Well, this teacher is wonderful with my son and he loves class. Plus, the person I'm talking about is just the instructor. I do a lot better when the Korean master. However, the instructor does most of my training.

I wish I could just wake up tomorrow thin, physically fit, with my memory back, and with all my adult child issues gone. I hate hating myself.

Despair

2008-04-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem at an ACA Retreat in the spring of 2005. Despite being in a great mood and having a great time, I ended up with a very dark and depressing found poem that described my suicidal feelings just two years prior. After I finished the process of creating this poem, I displayed it as is our tradition. It caused quite a bit of concern!

Despair

Nothing can replace your dreams.

Prime of life and I feel…

Clouds tumbling down past my plastic smile,
Alone,
Battered,
Small.

I want just one reason to still be here.

Endless desert of feeling.

As time goes by,
he makes it easier

It feels like the right thing to do…

I lost.

There’s no mistake…
Not meant to live.

Do-it-yourself pain relief.

Ready, Aim, Fire!

The Face of a Pedophile

2008-04-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

My abuser went by a few names...

His mother called him Franky.

His brother called him Frank.

His last name was Rivera.

I believe his real name was Francisco Rivera.

He went by Steely or Steel...

because he claimed to be Steely Dan (although he looked nothing like him).

In trying to figure out what became of him, I came across a Francisco Rivera convicted of lewd or lascivious acts with a child under 14 that looks an awful lot like an older, heavier version of what my memory tells me he looked like.

This is the convicted guy. Not 100% sure it's him but....

Must I See Who I Am?

2008-04-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

Before I started recovery, I only had two feelings: either I was ok or something bothered me. Throughout my childhood, I had learned to stuff my feelings down as much as possible. Unfortunately, that usually backfires and one day I just totally lost it. That led to me seeking help for the first time. With that therapist, I learned that I did have other feelings. However, once I started feeling my feelings, I often wished I could go back to the old way of not feeling. These feelings were so hard to deal with. After a long while, I became more used to feeling things (although some of them are still hard) and finally came to accept them as being a normal and ok part of me. Even the negative feelings were ok so long as I kept them from turning into suicidal depression or rage. In June 2004, I wrote this poem about my feelings.

Must I See Who I Am?

Little did I know me.
Black notions,
Red flashes of anger
Turning my feelings blue
With shame.
Green with envy
I thought myself dull, lifeless, and gray.

A mixture of color
All muddied and confused,
I arrived in the light
And began to see
Each piece of me...

Distinct
Separate
Colorful
Beautiful

A rainbow of feelings
Each true and real.
Accepting them,
Dissecting them,
Seeing who I am.
The dark.
The light.

Now I know me.
A kaleidoscope of color
Interesting
Intriguing
Ever changing.

The First Day

2008-04-05T21:54:00.000-07:00

I remember the day the abuse first started. I don't remember anything about the time between meeting my abuser and that day, but I can still picture that day.

I remember sitting outside his closed door waiting. Both his front door and his screen door were closed and I was just sitting there with my back against the screen waiting. The fact that I was waiting tells me that he already had gained control of my comings and goings. The period between meeting him and that day had been spent on grooming yet I don't remember anything about that time or what he had said or did to gain my confidence.

So, there I was waiting when suddenly the door opens and out comes C. C. was an older girl (a few years my senior) who lived at the very end of the block. She looked at me and said, "Don't let him do that to you," and rushed off towards home. I had no idea what she was talking about but would soon find out.

Next thing I remember is I'm in his living room and he wants to show me something I'll like. He helps me hop up on a piece of furniture. I can't picture the furniture but I remember being on the back of an easy chair, though I can't picture how that would work. Well, then he opened my legs and positioned himself against me and started rubbing against me. We were fully clothed. I didn't know what to think of it and when he finished he asked if I liked it. Shyly, I shrugged and gave a noncommittal answer.

That was the beginning of many similar encounters over the next six years.

Headlines

2008-04-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

I typically stay away from any and all news in any form. I don't watch the news on TV, nor do I read it in the paper or online, nor do I listen to it on the radio. I just prefer not to know. Really.

Then my husband blogged about a recent story. I followed the link, read the story, and noticed some of the other headlines. Here are a sampling of the headlines I saw with just a couple of my many, jumbled thoughts. (Note: I have found that my views on responsibility tend to be unpopular.)

Texas Police Say Baby Probably Cried Before 14-Year-Old Mom Killed Him in Flush Attempt
What has happened to this child that she felt it was OK to have sex at 14 and then try to flush her baby down the toilet while it cried? While I don't know what should be done to those involved (the girl, the baby's father, the girl's parents), I do know who I feel is responsible. I believe the responsibility is shared three ways between the parents, the girl, and the father, in that order. Parents hold the responsibility of raising their children in a loving, caring, nurturing environment, the kind of environment where kids don't feel the need to have sex, hide their pregnancies, and kill their babies. The girl is old enough to know it is wrong to deliberately kill another human being, especially a helpless infant. The father, whomever it is, has responsibility simply because he fathered the child, even if the responsibility is just in the fact that you shouldn't be having sex as a teen or with a 14 year old.

Family Outraged After Colorado 3rd Grader Suspended for Sniffing Marker On It
At first glance, it looks like the school is simply over-reacting and they may have. Regardless, they did reduce the suspension from 3 days to 1 when the parents complained. However, what I noticed was that the child was repeatedly told to stop and refused to obey his teacher. That alone, without considering the danger of huffing, deserves discipline of some sort. The child needs to learn to respect his teacher and the parents better get serious about being parents before they find themselves with much bigger problems to deal with. And no, I'm not a strict disciplinarian type of parent; I'm often too easy on my kids. Yet my kids know and understand what it means to respect authority and behave properly.

Man Gets Death Penalty for Killing, Mutilating Girl in Cannibalistic Fantasy
This man is just plain horrid. What was really sickening about this story was that the defense is trying to claim he should hold full responsibility because he suffered from being socially awkward as a child and his dad didn't tell him he loved him enough. This is one of those times when I want to say, "Oh, puhlease!" He's an adult now. He's certainly old enough to know that if he's having these weird fantasies, he better not act on his deranged thoughts and get some help. No, sorry, he deserves no mercy.

Death of University of Wisconsin-Madison Student Spreads Fear
I'm amazed it took three recent deaths to get people to be afraid. We should all be afraid with headlines like these. Something is wrong with our world and we better stop making excuses and start taking responsibility for fixing it.

Juvenile Girl Will Not Be Charged for Abandoning Fetus on Airplane
Given that the baby was stillborn, I'm not sure if she should be charged with anything but she definitely needs some serious help. The parents, however, need to be seriously looked at. Again, where are the parents and what are they doing (or not doing) to raise a 14 year old who thinks it is okay to have sex at 14 and throw away the baby even if it is already dead. Gosh, at the very least, she should have known to quietly get some help from one of the chaperones rather than pretend she didn't just throw away a baby!

Oh, and don't forget the story I recently saw a teaser for on TV about the 3rd graders who plotted to kill their teacher. Not only did they think about it but they had a plan, gathered the materials, and had assigned jobs to each other for when they carried out the plan. I just can't picture a 3rd grader (my daughter is a 3rd grader) saying, "OK, I'll plunge the knife into her belly after you tie her up. Then, Bobby, you get the trash bag over her head while Kevin pushes her into it. Then, Sally, you get the bleach and wipe up the blood." Seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?!

War

2008-04-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

This found poem talks about recovery. It calls the reader to an alternative to his/her own inner battles. Instead of living in a constant state of war with your past, choose recovery.

War

This will be your war.

The past is not necessarily what you would like.

It was...
Hard to predict
Unpleasant
Silence
Risky
Crisis
Combat
Misery
Your parent’s temper bubbling up virtually every day.

Don’t get war jitters.

You are not without options.

There is an alternative.

R E C O V E R Y

Who me?

YES YOU!

Snore Monster

2008-04-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

Last night the snore monster was in my bed which means I'm exhausted today. Some nights, the snore monster is particularly loud and annoying, making it nearly impossible to fall asleep. Because of him, I was unable to fall asleep until after 2am. This is bad because my youngest child wakes up around 6am wanting to nurse. After nursing, I'm lucky I can remain horizontal (yet awake) until 7am. My body is one of those bodies that needs at least 8 to 9 hours of good sleep to feel decent the next day.

The snore monster is my husband. He snores very loudly some nights. Having him turn over doesn't work as it does with some people. He snores in every sleep position. Laying there listening to him it is easy to understand why he is often tired, why he feels like he can't sleep and, thus wakes up very early in the morning, and why he needs to go to bed early. He comes out of restful sleep and stirs 5-6 or more times an hour. How he stirs differs. Sometimes, he snorts/chokes and then smacks his lips several times before resuming his snoring. Sometimes he turns this way or that. Sometimes, he scratches an itch before adjusting position. All times, he turns the chainsaw back on within a few short seconds. I wish I had the ability to fall asleep within a few seconds like he does. If I did, I'd use those few seconds of restless quiet to fall asleep.

So what's a wife to do? Several years ago I did do something but it was all a waste of effort. Back then, I used to get so angry at my husband for snoring. It felt like he did it on purpose. Like he could just stop if he wanted. I felt like piling pillows over his face so he'd just....be...quiet. I tried earplugs but they felt weird and didn't block the noise out anyway. Finally, I started getting angry and vocal directly with him about it. And, finally, he went to the doctor. And I went,too, to be sure that the doctor got the whole story.

So my husband had a sleep study. The results? He did have some sleep apnea but not bad enough to treat. He did have some restless leg issues but, again, not bad enough to treat. The recommendation was don't gain weight (my husband is not a large guy) and don't sleep on his back. Hello! Don't you remember, didn't you write down, that he snores on his stomach, right side, left side, and while sleeping elevated too?! What's this nonsense about not sleeping on his back? Didn't you listen to the stories of how my husband gets strep throat easily or that his uvula swells to much that it actually touches his tongue? Aren't you the least bit concerned about that? Isn't it related? Perhaps his soft palate is extra large and gets dangerously swollen. Please do something before this wife loses her mind!!!

Well, nothing happened other than we nearly divorced not long after that. We managed to stay together but I'm still stuck with the snore monster. I would have gone downstairs to sleep on the couch but that usually results in a trip to the chiropractor for me because my neck and the couch are mortal enemies and because I have a nursing infant who may need to nurse in the night. I thought about waking my husband and ~~telling~~ asking my husband to sleep on the couch (which he would willingly do) but he has a hurt shoulder so I wanted him to get some decent sleep. Sometimes I wish we had the space to just have separate rooms even though it goes against all my traditional ideas of husband and wife sleeping together.

The Worst Secret of My Life

2008-04-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem using the found poetry method at an ACA retreat. I never know what the poem is going to be about before I begin so I'm always surprised when I'm done. This one ended up describing my feelings during the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my neighbor/babysitter. He used my family's secrets to keep me quiet and this poem talks about keeping my secret to protect them.

The Worst Secret of My Life

A man who leaves emotional scars can control your life.

You feel like this...
Alone.
Nothing matters.
I was dying.

You lie down until the feeling passes.

Help is not an option...

Family...depending...on...us.

Hold it together.
Don't trust.
Don't be afraid.
Don't feel.

Need to tell.
You must never tell.

Hiding a terrible secret...
Protects them.

Poetry

2008-04-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

Twice a year, I attend an ACA retreat in my area. I love these retreats because they are exceptionally fun. More importantly, I get to spend the long weekend with a group of people who understand me and love me just the way I am. They don't mind my social blunders like so many "normal" people I've encountered do. And so, I am free to be me without the stress of trying to be socially appropriate.

One of the activities I was introduced to at these meetings was found poetry. Found poetry is using words and phrases cut out of printed material in a new way. Found poetry has allowed me to explore poetry in a successful way. I love the works that I have created using this method and will share them, one at a time, here.

Here's how I do found poetry:

I chose a magazine to go through and create my poem exclusively from that one magazine. As I sit at the able with scissors in hand, I scan the ads, headlines, and paragraph headers (the larger print not the article content). Any word or phrase that jumps out at me gets cut out. When I get to the end of the magazine, I take all my cuttings and place them on a poster board (I usually use one that is cut in half) so I can see them all. Then I start rearranging them and removing some. Usually I'll see a pattern and that becomes my focus. It's easy to arrange them once I've recognized the pattern. Often I start with the end of the poem or the middle because that's what first caught my eye or "spoke to me". The completion of the poem usually comes like an epiphany. It's sudden and obvious. It feels much like the poem wrote itself. I read my poem and I'm always satisfied with it as is. Sometimes I find that I need to go back through the magazine to find a small word to make a phrase make sense...words like "a" or "the". Then I grab a glue stick and glue them all down before anything flies away.

I could write these poems anywhere but writing them at the retreat is more fun. The process often takes me a couple of days as I come and go from other activities but some form of companionship is always there. A friend might be sitting at the table with me working on their own project. Often there is a discussion or game going on in the room that is interesting to eavesdrop on. Discussions like, "How did Humpty Dumpty fall? Or was he pushed? And if so, by whom?" Games like Balderdash make for interesting listening as well. Once a poem is done, we usually display our works for others to read. The comments and compliments are always nice to receive.

As I share my poems, I'll explain them a little too. I hope you enjoy them.

Purpose

2008-04-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

I attend a 12-step support group called Adult Children Anonymous (ACA) on Monday nights. I have found it to be the most helpful thing I've done for my healing and recovery. Each Monday, we get together and work our way through a book for the first half of the meeting and then can talk we need to on any topic for the last half of the meeting.

We have been working out way through the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melodie Beattie. Last night, we were reading through chapter 10 and came across this quote:

I believe there is an enjoyable, worthwhile purpose -- besides taking care of people and being an appendage to someone -- for each of us.

Figure out a purpose for my life has been something I've struggled with a long time. In fact, it has been on my mind again in the past week. I often have trouble with being "just a mom". Even though it is the life I've chosen and I usually enjoy it, I still feel like there is something missing.

One of the things that hurts me in this area is watching Extreme Makeover: Home Improvement. My kids see the wonderful homes and bedrooms that they make for the families and want to apply. I tell them that we wouldn't get picked. Why? Because nothing really bad (like a death or horrible disability) has happened to us nor have we become pillars of our community, supporting everyone else while our own house has fallen apart around us. In fact, we practically don't volunteer in any capacity. We aren't special enough. And that's the problem for me.

Growing up, I always wanted and dreamed of being one of those special people. I didn't want to be a teacher, I wanted to be THE teacher. The one who inspired their struggling students to aspire to and succeed at becoming great. I wanted to be a female Jaime Escalante only I'd be able to tell which of my students were neglected and abused and inspire them to greatness rather than the ghetto poor. I'd be their role model and mentor. I wanted to be THE doctor. I'd become a world-renown cardiac and neurosurgeon. People would come to me from all over the world and I'd fix them. I wanted to be the CEO of my own very successful corporation, sitting up in my corner office on the 20th floor. I'd be slender, hot, and sexy in my designer power suits. I'd use my incredible intelligence, business sense, and sex appeal to my advantage. At the end of the day, I'd return to my gorgeous home where I'd be the perfect wife and mother to my perfect family.

Today I'm nobody special. I'm a lower middle class mom of three kids. I spend my days cleaning, cooking, homeschooling two of my children, getting frustrated by my toddler's tornado-like ability to make a mess, running errands, paying bills, and reading/writing blogs. And I don't do any of those things particularly well. I'm not a teacher (in the sense I imagined), a doctor, or a CEO. I do not have that hot and sexy body; I'm 50 pounds overweight. And I have none of that prestige that I crave.

So, what am I to do? I think and think and think and come up empty. I find that I have nothing that I am passionate about. Without passion, I know that anything that I'd attempt would become just another of my unfinished projects.

Until I figure it out, I'll just have to be resigned to being mediocre.

Or I can find a way to accept a more positive view of my life: that being the mom I am already IS the purpose God had intended for me. That all I really need is some minor tweaking here and there, not a major overhaul. I've successfully changed my perspective in other areas of my life so I can do that in this one, too. Maybe, through that, I'll find success that I can be happy with.

That Day

2008-03-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

Though it was approximately 29 years ago, I still remember the day I first saw him.

I was 5 years old. I lived in an apartment that was part of a triplex. Actually, it was two triplexes facing each other with a strip of grass, about 20 feet wide, between the two. I lived in apartment B on one side and he had just moved into apartment C on the other side.

That day was a nice, sunny day. It may have been spring or summer. He was sitting in the grass between our homes, petting a young kitten. He had an average, athletic build and slightly wavy black hair combed back. His skin was dark and he had a big smile.

I was a scrawny kid back then with long, straight, light brown hair. I was a bit shy and I loved kittens. I stood in my doorway with the screen door slight ajar watching him, watching the kitten, through the 2 inch opening. He saw me there. He looked straight at me and held out the kitten, beckoning me out to see the kitten. My love of kittens overcame my shyness and I went to him.

And my life was never the same after that.

One Thing That Still Haunts Me

2008-03-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

Over the years, I've done a lot of healing. I still have a long way to go in many areas but for the most part I do well and don't dwell on my past. When I do think about it, there are a few things that still haunt me and I was working on one of them this past week...the whereabouts of my molester.

My dilema stems from the fact that I never told anyone what was going on until six years after the last time I saw him and four years after I moved out of the area. When I finally did tell, it was because of a breakdown of sorts during my senior year of high school. I just simply fell apart and ended up telling my science teacher (who was very much aware that there were problems in my home life) all about, well, everything. I told him about how I had been molested. I told him about my father's alcoholism and my parents' drug use. I told him about how my home life, at that point, was a war zone.

In hearing all of this, he took me to my school counselor where I had to recount it all to her. She, in turn, called my mom and the school's police liason officer. While there's more to this story, I'll focus on just part of it for now. The police officer took a report of the molestation, including his name, aliases, prior address, and other victims that I knew about. That was the last I heard of it. If they investigated, they didn't report back to me. If they prosecuted, they didn't get back to me. I have no idea if anything was done, and what, if anything, came of it.

And I am left to this day wondering if he's still out there and still abusing other young girls. I know, for a fact, that I wasn't his only victim because he forced me to bring two younger neighbors to him to abuse and to, on occasion, photograph him on top of them. Because I know I'm not his only victim, I feel positive that he continued to abuse others after me and may still be out there. It weighs on me. I feel responsible, in a way, because I didn't say anything. I wish there was something I could do now.

So, this week, I did try to do something but I didn't get very far. In the past, I searched California's Megan's Law website to see if he was there. I searched for men by his "real" name, or at least the name his mother and brothers called him. There were several. One of them, looks like him. Of course, this is going on my memory that is twenty years old and a photograph of a man older and somewhat heavier than the man I knew. The birthdate doesn't match what he gave as his birthday, but he could have easily lied about that. The age doesn't fit what I believe, from my limited memory, it should be but, again, he could have lied about that as well. All I know is that he looks somewhat like the man, shares his name, has a last known address in a neighboring county from where my abuse took place, was convicted of phedophilia with children under 14 years of age, and that he is in violation of his registration requirements. If only I could get details of his case...

So, I submitted an inquiry via the website and actually received a call back within a few days. The woman who called was friendly but not much help. She suggested looking through the online criminal records for the county I lived in. Other nearby counties don't have online records but I could contact them to see what could be done (I live two states away now). She also gave me the phone number for Megan's Law and suggested I call and ask them for ideas. I went through the public records but didn't find anything useful. I called the number she gave me but didn't get very far with their automated line. When I have the time and energy, I'll have to try it again. Hopefully, it will yield something.

Today I Feel..

2008-03-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

scattered
distracted
preoccupied
frustrated
slightly annoyed

It's Monday again. Fortunately, my home is not as trashed as it usually is after a weekend. Despite that, there's still a lot to do in the realm of housework. In addition to that, I have many other tasks that loom before me. Some have deadlines that have already passed. Some of deadlines that are fast approaching. Some have no deadlines at all; they're just ideas cluttering up my brain until I get around to finally doing something about them.

I'm overwhelmed by all I have to do because I have not yet learned the art of getting it all down on paper, prioritizing each one, breaking each task down into managable chunks, and accomplishing each chunk of each task. I don't really believe I can follow through with these steps anyway. It would probably take an entire book and several days (at least) to write down the to do list in my head. Then prioritizing that list would be a nightmare. I can't even decide if I'd rather do this or that, go here or there, eat chicken or beef. How am I suppose to figure out which order the list should be put in? I could probably break each task down into managable chunks if I only had time to actually do that. Accomplishing each task is another thing altogether as I'd probably get distracted halfway through the first chunk and never make it back to finish it.

Such is my life. I'm feeling particularly strongly today. I have so many things to do yet I don't even want to start them. I'm preoccupied on other things. My mind is full of ideas for this blog. I could write and write and write...all day...and still have more to write. I want to research and read blogs and websites to link to. That would takes days as I know I would end up following enough rabbit trails to make my mind explode. But it's always this way when I start a new venture. I'm full of ideas and energy and am preoccupied to the exclusion of everything else which leads to way I'm also feeling frustrated and slightly annoyed.

My children need to be schooled (we homeschool), my house needs to be cleaned, food needs to be cooked, laundry needs to be washed and put away, and my baby needs a nap. But I'm preoccupied, I want to be working on this not doing all that. It frustrates me that I can't just do want I want to do until I run out of steam (ADDers call this hyperfocusing). It annoys me when life sticks its face into my face and won't let me ignore it. Ugh!

My baby needs a nap. Hopefully, I don't fall asleep or get too drowsy nursing him down. There's just too much to do today.

Who Am I?

2008-03-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

Who am I? That's a difficult question to answer. It's one I've been trying to figure out how to answer all day.

I'm an ordinary person living an ordinary life. I'm nobody special yet I am special...if that makes any sense. I have no degrees. I am not what most would call an expert. But I am an expert on my own life and experiences which is what this blog is about.

In sharing my story and my path towards recovery to date, I hope to accomplish three things: aid in my own recovery, aid in the recovery of others, and help those who haven't experienced abuse in their own lives understand what we, the survivors of abuse, have been through and continue to live with. It isn't easy to just get over it, to move on, to let go and let God. But somehow we must.

I believe that recovery begins and comes in the sharing of our stories. To begin recovery, we must first recognize that we have something to recover from then we must realize that we are among the many who are struggling to live in a world that we do not understand. There are others, many others, out there who share similar stories, similar feelings, and similar difficulties relating to the world and those in it. It is in knowing this that our recovery can begin. You are not alone.

I am one of those survivors. I grew up in a home where father drank too much. Some days he was a happy drunk. Other days, he retreated to his room in a sullen mood believing himself to be unloved and unwanted. Still others, he lashed out in anger while I watched terrified that he'd hurt my mother, my brother, or myself. To add to the chaos of my home, both my parents also used recreational drugs. Speed, acid, uppers, downers, and my mom's secret use of marijuana (my dad was against smoking pot for some odd reason) were the few that I know of. If that wasn't enough, my father enjoyed dressing up as a woman complete with wigs and makeup. It was a secret that didn't leave our doors. Finally, my brother was born with a genetic defect causing him to be severely mentally retarded. Rather than institutionalize him as the doctors suggested, my parents chose to raise him themselves, a fact that played an enormous role in other events of my life. As you can see, my childhood was anything but ideal.

But my story doesn't end inside the confines of my family's home. There was the babysitter as well. He was a neighbor who "loved children" so much he babysat for free. He'd never take payment for watching me...cash payment that is. For six years, I was unwillingly his shadow. For six years, I was one of his child sexual partners. There were others; I know because I was there to witness a few of them.

Unsurprisingly, in my teen years life caved in around me and I resorted to abusing alcohol, drugs, and sex myself. There was an ignored, half-hearted attempt at suicide when I was fourteen followed by many years of depression. Somehow I made it past my teen years and married. It's no surprise that I married a man who had also grown up in an abusive home. Together we struggled through our first several years of marriage and parenthood, nearly failing at both.

It was the birth of my second child and the resulting postpartum depression on top of the chronic depression I already battled, that led me to seek real help in fixing my life. While I did use anti-depressants for a short time, I ultimately found the help I needed in a little 12-step recovery group called Adult Children Anonymous (ACA). It was there that I learned that I wasn't alone, that I was lovable, and there there was hope for the future.

Now I'm here to tell you the same. You are not alone. You are, indeed, lovable. There is hope. Take my hand and together we'll do what we could never do alone...heal.

What is Codependency?

2008-03-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

Author: unknown

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval by you.

Your struggles affect my serenity.

My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

My mental attention focuses on pleasing you.

My mental attention focuses on protection you.

My mental attention focuses on manipulation you “to do it my way.”

My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

Your clothing and personal appearance is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

I am not aware of how I feel; I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want; I ask what you want. If I am not aware, I assume.

The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.

My fear of rejection determines what I say and do.

My fear of your anger determines what I say and do.

I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.

My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.

I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.

The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

Today

2008-03-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

Source: unknown Confederate Soldier

I asked God for strength that I might achieve.
I was made weak that I might humbly learn to obey.

I asked for health that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy.
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I asked for vision that I might control my future.
I was given awareness that I might be grateful for the now.

I got nothing I asked for – but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all people, most richly blessed.
____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

12 Traditions of ACA

2008-03-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

1. Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends on ACA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority--a loving God as expressed in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for membership in ACA is a desire to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family.

4. Each group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or ACA as a whole. We cooperate with all other 12-Step programs.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose--to carry its message to the adult child who still suffers.

6. An ACA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the ACA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every ACA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Adult Children of Alcoholics should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. ACA, as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Adult Children of Alcoholics has no opinion on outside issues; hence the ACA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, T.V. and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

The Solution (ACA)

2008-03-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

The Solution is to become your own loving parent.

As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.

The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.

This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic/dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the 12 Steps of Recovery.

This is the action and work that heals us: we use the Steps; we use the meetings; we use the telephone. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthy decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.

By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see the dysfunctional family experience for what it is: an experience that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.

You will not do this alone. Look around you and you will see others who know how you feel. We will love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept you.
This is a spiritual program based on action coming from love. We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself and your parents.

____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

The Laundry List

2008-03-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

Author: Unknown

These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic household:

We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

We either became alcoholic or married them, or both, or found another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.

We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

We became addicted to excitement.

We confuse love with pity and tend to “love” people who we can “pity” and “rescue”.

We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much.

We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

We are dependent personality who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

The ACA Promises

2008-03-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

Source: By the Tuesday Night Group/ North Hollywood, CA, July 1988

1. We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.

2. Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.

3. Fear of authority figures and the need to “people-please” will leave us.

4. Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us.

5. As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses.

6. We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure.

7. We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives.

8. We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.

9. Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set.

10. Fears of failure and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices.

11. Will help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors.

12. Gradually, with our Higher Power’s help, we will learn to expect the best and get it.
____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

The AA Promises

2008-03-23T09:19:00.001-07:00

Source: From The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 83-83

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

12 Steps of ACA

2008-03-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.

Ten Commandments for Stress Reduction

2008-03-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

Author: Unknown

1. Thou shalt not be perfect, or even try to be.

2. Thou shalt not try to be all things to all people.

3. Thou shalt sometimes leave things undone.

4. Thou shalt not spread thyself too thin.

5. Thou shalt learn to say “no.”

6. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and for thy support network.

7. Thou shalt switch thyself off, and do nothing regularly.

8. Thou shalt not even feel guilty for doing nothing, or saying no.

9. Thou shalt be boring, untidy, inelegant, and unattractive at times.

10. Especially, thou shalt not be thine own worst enemy, but rather, be thine own best friend.

____________________
Credit for selected readings are given if known. If no credit is given, the author of the piece is unknown. If you know to whom credit is due, please email me and I will make the necessary changes to give credit to the author.