“Always do what you are afraid to do.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

This should be tattooed on my arm.

Why is it so hard for us to do what we are afraid of?

And why is it that once we take that risk, it is a huge relief, even if things don’t turn out as we had hoped. Whether it is making a change, challenging someone, making a doctor appointment or telling someone what we really think, all that stuff that builds up until we finally do that thing is toxic.

Facing our fears disempowers them. Yes. If we just stop procrastinating and do that thing we most fear, the angst is gone. Best of all, sometimes we might even feel relieved or proud of ourselves for having done it. You know those moments when you say, “Phew! I am so glad I did that.” or “Why didn’t I do this earlier?” or “Well, at least now I know.”

What are you most afraid of at this moment? What is the worst that could happen if you take that step? What is the best thing that could happen? What is really likely to happen? Can you live with that? Or would you rather live in limbo? Will you have to do it eventually? Why waste all of that time and energy thinking about it, fretting over it, playing out the worst case scenarios?

I am not saying this as the expert in facing my fears. I am far from it. But I have found that with each fear I face, it gets a little bit easier to face another. Posting about taking risks, has forced me to take them more frequently. And now I am stepping it up. For this month, I am creating a record. I made a list of 30 things I am afraid to do or am feeling anxious about doing. My goal is to be able to check those things off the list.

Will you join me in this challenge?

Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.
  ~~ Author Unknown ~~

Well, now I’ve gone and done it . . . taken a HUGE risk.  Yes, I take risks all the time, some of them larger than others, but this one is REALLY huge.  I submitted my resignation from my “day job” and will be leaving at the end of October.  And, no, I’m NOT going to another “job.”

The obvious risk is that I’m leaving a regular, full-time (MORE than full-time) job with a regular, twice-a-month paycheck, and I have very little savings.  And that’s pretty big.  But the really HUGE risk is multiply faceted:

I’m risking following my joy, my passion, and my contract for this lifetime to do the work I believe I’m meant and intended to do . . . intuitive readings, mediumship, animal communication and angel readings.

I’m risking following another joy and passion of mine to start a second business, the idea and name for which were spiritually “downloaded” a number of years ago, but I was too fearful or otherwise focused and occupied to do at the time . . . designing and creating/making custom-made, one-of-a-kind quilted vests, jackets, tabards, ponchos and other over clothing for women of all sizes (I’ve already got my website name reserved with the name that was given to me during the “download”:  Over-the-Tops.com).

In my “spare” time, I’ve begun a distance learning course of study that will lead to a Bachelor’s degree in Holistic Theology, with a concentration in Alternate Spiritual Traditions.

Yes, those are all HUGE to me.  But the HUGEST risk is that I’m going to love myself enough to do what I know is right for me to be doing at this point in my life.  I’m going to respect myself enough to leave a “good job” that feels toxic to me for a variety of reasons to go to work for bosses who will respect, honor and value me:  Spirit/The Universe/God and ME!  I am going to do all those things I encourage other people in my life and line of work to do:  listen to and follow my intuition, follow my dreams, trust and rely on Spirit/The Universe/God, and allow into my life what is already there for me from The Universe (as Abraham/Esther Hicks calls it, my “vibrational escrow”).

What I know today, and hope to remember and know tomorrow, is that I am supported and taken care of and valued and absolutely adored by Spirit/The Universe/God, and all I have to do is MY part of what has to be done . . . MY footwork, MY readings, MY sewing, MY studying, etc.  It is NOT up to me to do what is the job of Spirit/The Universe/God to do like bringing the clients and customers to me, but I absolutely welcome those clients and customers now and always.

Oh, look, here they come!  I see them ! ! ! ! ! ! !

This month I am taking the risk I’ve written about several times:  I’m singing a recital in just a few short days. 

I’ve done so much to prepare for this that it feels like less of a risk than it did.  But it’s still challenging, and I’m still nervous.  I think I will be jubilant when it’s actually happening.  I imagine myself standing in front of my friends, in a space I love, singing music I’ve chosen, and smiling from ear to ear.  I can already feel the glow that will fill me when I realize I’m actually doing this. 

I want to risk experiencing that glow.  I want to let myself relax about everything that’s worrying me.  I want to risk feeling excitement, joy, and freedom as I sing.  I want to prepare as much as I can prepare, and then let go. 

Simply deciding to do this concert has brought about a change in my life.  When you decide to work on your voice, you start poking around a part of yourself that feels very vulnerable.  How we speak is a huge part of who we are, or at least who we think we are.  Choosing to release tension in my voice requires admitting that the tension is there.  I’ve had to work in two directions:  physically, releasing bodily tension to let my soul sing, and spiritually, releasing soul tension to let my body sing.  

One of my voice coaches says that we sing as a gift to others.  We take a song and polish it so that we can give it away.  I find that to be a beautiful image, because it takes the focus off me, the singer, and puts it on the gift and on the recipient.  Self-consciousness, the source of my tension, dissolves as I focus on giving something away.  

Here’s what he says about taking a deep breath to sing:  “Fill the basket, and then feed the masses.”  Isn’t that lovely?  If I hadn’t decided to risk a concert, I never would have learned that. 

What I’m saying is that risking this concert has turned out to be a gift to me.  I’ve learned a great deal, not just about vocal technique, but about speaking the truth and sharing my heart.  I think my next risk is simply to keep taking this one, and see where it leads.

First off, apologies for missing last month…many reasons, all excuses, I apologize for not  meeting my commitments – I love contributing to this blog.  A risk completed already!!

But wait, there’s more.  As I’ve been waiting for my topic this month to come to me – the whispers continue to point me to celebration.  A topic I’ve written on before and one that continues to be a no-brainer, and yet, I resist.  

I’ll  do it this weekend, I’ve got a meeting right now….right after this song….Funny, I can’t seem to ‘recapture’ the feeling….You don’t know how to celebrate….these aren’t THAT important….

And then it never happens.  I can easily and endlessly process my challenges.  I continue to step over my achievements.

Not today.   As luck would have it, there have been so many achievements over the past few weeks – too many to mention.  So, right now (no excuses) I will start by celebrating my teachers and guides….I know I create it all, I’m so grateful I’ve created this!

• My husband, who holds my light and dark shadow so effortlessly and provides me with endless opportunities to learn and grow. 
• My coach, who lovingly points out my light and dark shadow, offers boundless encouragement.
• My job, which provides me with daily practice on showing up powerfully, putting down blame, picking up caring and owning my emotions.
• My car – for breaking down on a day when I really needed a car and providing me with another glimpse into how I can powerfully handle my challenges
• Lucid Living – for teaching me to receive and for allowing me the opportuntity to give back
• My friends – who listen, point me in a powerful direction and make me laugh
• Santa Barbara – sigh, smile, exhale
• Lady Gaga

Whew….and that’s just a smattering… I feel the rising tide of gratitude, joy, and I know I am at my limit at just those few. 

So, stretched and vulnerable, I am ready and capable of continuing the celebration on my own…on the porch, on a warm Sunday morning,  with my coffee and my sister’s dogs.

Hey, this is kind of nice!

It’s my birthday today, and I risk…

• Embracing my age, the last year I can say my age begins with a “4″
• Embracing my youth, seeing a long road ahead of me with so many possibilities
• Receiving — right into my heart — the warmth and love of those who care about me
• Receiving — right into my ear, which connects to my heart — the beautiful singing on my voicemail
• Paying for my car registration right smack on the deadline day (whew!)
• Taking care of my body, heart and soul, in preparation for the years to come
• Telling a stranger that it’s my birthday
• Having expectations
• Being disappointed when expectations don’t quite pan out
• Being delighted when they do
• Being surprised when something unexpected occurs
• Asking for what I want
• Acknowledging to myself what I want
• Designing my day, my way
• Celebrating myself
• Publishing this post

Last month my post was about an injury to my rotator cuff and my risking NOT having surgery but, instead, choosing to try physical therapy. I am happy to report to you that it has worked!

A couple of weeks ago the physical therapist did an evaluation because she knew I had an appointment with the doctor right after PT. When we finished for the day, she said I didn’t need to come back. I could do it all on my own at home. Her problem with me, she said, was not having to encourage me to do the exercises at home but to make sure I didn’t overdo them!

I went to the appointment with the surgeon. He read the evaluation and then had me perform some movements with my arm. He was amazed and then said he was dismissing me. He also said that instead of doing the exercises twice a day for 45 minutes each time, I now had to do them only 4 times a week. I left there on cloud 9!

It worked. The risk I took was worth it. If, at some point, the shoulder starts giving me trouble, there is always surgery. Right now going the PT way and devoting myself to exercising as much as I needed has paid off.

What amazing bodies we have!

There is a V.I.P. in my life whom I’ve never met face-to-face.

Until 3 days ago.

Such a V.I.P. he is to me, that I never second guessed myself once about all the begging and pleading I’ve done to get him to come to Tulsa for a visit. Nary a nervous bone in my body at the idea of meeting in person, finally. In other words, it didn’t feel risky at all.

But it was.

Allowing someone that close…someone who knows me so well…someone who would know when to call “Bullshit!” because he’s had the inside scoop all this time…well…after the fact, I realize THAT WAS RISKY!!

But seeing me, my life, my kids, my home, my everything through someone else’s eyes…well…that was informative. And a little shocking. And reassuring.

And over way too soon!

Whenever we take a risk, we take along those we love and care about. Our risks involve some degree of risk for them also. Sometimes, we have to take on a “risk” for a loved one, and we go along for the ride.

I’m sure there are many of you walking in my shoes. I’ve heard us called the “sandwich” generation, “sandwiched” as we are between the needs of our aging parents and the needs of our own families. My personal favorite (from my sister’s piano teacher) is “pivot”, as in we “pivot” back and forth between the needs of our parents and our children.

It’s getting a little easier at our house in that our children are grown and embarking on lives of their own, but they still need us from time to time. My dear Mother will be 89 this year, and is now at the point where she needs more help and care than we can currently provide her.  While my wonderful husband and I have our own plans and dreams for the future, I continue to “pivot” between my Mother and my children (and grandchildren).

In July, I took a trip to Colorado to spend time with my Mother and my sisters. My sisters and I have had concerns about Mother’s ability to continue living independently in her own home for some time now. We now believe (know) the time has come to alter our Mother’s living arrangements. We have done all we can to keep her independent and in her own home. But, she’s no longer able to be as safe on her own as we need her to be for our own peace of mind.

What are our options? Twenty-four hour in-home care, assisted living, bringing her to live with one of us.  Each of these choices has a certain risk associated with it:

Twenty-four hour in-home care is expensive, and there’s the whole trust issue. Who do you trust to be in your beloved parent’s home 24 hours a day?

Assisted living can also be expensive and again there’s a trust issue, but Mom would have access to her own peer group and many activities and opportunities that she is currently unable to participate in on a regular basis.

Having Mom live with one of us is probably the most cost effective, but can we provide her with a peer group and the other opportunities that she might have in an assisted living environment? Which one of us makes this offer? How do the rest of us help, when traveling between us is not really an option for Mom? Not to mention, how will our own lives be impacted?

Then we have the risk of communicating this to Mom. Mom doesn’t understand that she can’t just go on living in her own home as she is. She doesn’t understand that she isn’t safe anymore. How do we help her see the need for a more structured environment? How do we help her to not feel abandoned? How do we ease her into this transition? How do we help her deal with what she sees as a loss of her “independence”?

Then there’s me.  If assisted living is the best choice, and I believe ultimately it is; how do I deal with and get over the guilt of not bringing her to live with me? Even as I know in my head that this is the best decision for all of us, my heart hurts, and there’s a little voice whispering in my ear telling me I’m not being the good daughter.  The voice that tells me that Mom sacrificed for me and that she loves me, and how could I take her anywhere but into my home?

These decisions loom large and full of risks, both seen and unseen. Risks for Mom and for my sisters and I. Hopefully, acceptance and comfort will come to all of us as these difficult decisions are made.

It doesn’t sound that hard to “be yourself”. But I have spent a life time with that very notion. I love being around people who let me be myself. I am working spiritually on being my best self. I love it when people I hang out with are comfortable enough and in the right mood and can have the time to “be themselves”. Wow! A lot of words to do something so simple. A lot of emotion around the notion of something so innate. Or is it that simple? Do we really know who that self is that we like to say we are?

I wonder if the idea boils down to honesty. Can you be true to yourself and if you can, who is that? Who do you bring to the table of friendship when you say: “this is who I am”? How do you know when your friend is being his/herself?

It’s a crapshoot I guess. I lose myself in the mystery of who I am and who is this loved one of mine. Who is that person with whom I am trying to connect? It’s a matter of faith and of listening to your heart. When all else fails I come back to “Namaste”.

Namaste ~ I honor the place in you in which the whole universe dwells. I honor the place in you that is love, truth, and peace. When you are in that place in you and I am in that place with me, we are one.

There is goodness in each of us. I am going to spend some quiet time reflecting on what that goodness is. Who am I when I am authentically living the life that is the goodness inside of me? My hunch is the goodness in me will want to hang out with the goodness in you. Then there is no risk at all.

Sometimes talking about the thing that is most obvious is the hardest thing for me to talk about. 

There could be a big issue….the “elephant in the living room” …it could be a job change, an illness, a troubled relationship, or a conversation that may be hard in how we’ll have it. In some moments, I can just feel it: That elephant is strolling right through the middle of the room, right through the conversation, and it seems like there’s no way around it.  Yet, somehow, I can find a way to dodge that topic. So, instead, the conversation goes something like this: I ask “How are you?”  The answer I get is “I’m fine” 

I guess, in the times when I’ve initiated that conversation, (being the one who asked the first question of how are you?), the practice I need to learn is recogizing that elephant in the first place. My next best thing might be to then ask the next question: “No really, how are you?”  When I approach a person who is grieving or struggling with a hard time, my having the guts to  risk asking that next question is the very meaning of what true friendship is. 

And if even if this an acquaintance, a co-worker or a neighbor,  any one of us who recognizes the elephant when she sees  – asking the next question –shifts the world a bit.  Inviting the person to the next level of conversation is naming the elephant when we see it — allowing for a breaking open that can make all the difference.

And if I’m the one dodging that big ol’ elephant in the room when someone asks, “How are you?” I have a choice.  When I’m up to it, my response can be not the standard, “I’m fine,” but instead risking and being honest.  “My son just started back to school and he is wearing me out.” or “My mom has cancer.” or “My job is not bringing me life.”  By risking this sharing of what’s really going in my heart – that conversation can help open up my heart and allow me to breathe just a little bit better.

 The elephant in the living room gets in the way.  That ol’ elephant takes up too much space, it blocks our view of one another and blocks our hearts.   What would happen if – either way we discover ourselves in the living room (the asker, or the one being asked)– we risk the next question or we risk sharing our hearts a bit.  What would happen?