These changes included encouraging the girls to strengthen their relationship. In this entry, I’ll share some thoughts on what parents can do to help siblings with this.

When you notice there’s a problem bigger than the “Mom she’s wearing my shoes AGAIN” type of conflict, talk to each of them separately. Tell each what you’ve noticed them doing that’s hurting their relationship and suggest alternatives for treating the other. Expect each to get defensive and focus on the other’s behavior. When they do, tell them that you understand and gently remind each of them what you see them doing to their sibling.

If problems have been simmering for a long time, it’s likely you’ll have to bring the two together to talk. Be prepared to throw on your striped-shirt and whistle, because the conversation could quickly degrade into a finger-pointing, blame-game, where neither feels heard and both are frustrated. Guide them such that each of your teens has a chance to share how they’re feeling about what the other is doing. At the same time, encourage each to own-up to what they could do differently to improve their relationship. Make sure that each of your kids feels heard. Have each repeat back what they heard the other say, and keep asking questions until you’re satisfied that they both feel understood.

You can also encourage (which initially may feel more like forcing) your teens to spend time together outside the house, without other friends (and hopefully leaving their cell phones in their pockets!) Don’t worry what they’re doing (within reason) and what they’re discussing (as they’ll probably be complaining about you!)

They can also work on projects together around the house. Give them a budget and let them figure out what to do. (Don’t worry; you’ll still have final veto power!) Have them set a time-line for finishing, and send them on their way to get started.

Finally, encourage them to attend the other’s events. Even if one teen is a jock and the other paints and could care less about anything competitive, having them there for each other is hugely important. As their relationship grows, you’ll likely notice that they become each other’s biggest fans. The hope is that this will carry over into a lifelong friendship, in which they support each other through the inevitable challenges life will bring (including parenting their own teenagers!)

Be patient with yourself and them because things aren’t going to be perfect, and they’ll still fight. From time-to-time, you’ll still need to step-in and help them work through their conflicts. The hope, though, is that the work they put into strengthening their relationship during the good times will make it easier for them to solve their problems without as much drama and help from you.

You and your teen
Managing sibling rivalries
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist
steve@rivercitycounseling.com

Not long ago, I got a call from the parents of two adolescent girls. They were concerned because their younger daughter’s grades had slipped significantly and her friends and behavior had changed drastically. They’d suspected that she’d begun using drugs, and after careful consideration made the choice to drug test her. When she tested positive they’d confronted her,and she admitted to smoking marijuana on a regular basis.

“Audrey” was about three minutes into her first session when she started sobbing as she told me about her older sister “Nancy.” She was a top student and well-loved by both peers and teachers. She also had a really nice boyfriend and had never gotten in trouble for much beyond breaking curfew by a few minutes.

It was clear that Audrey felt that Nancy was her parents’ favorite. When they were out with friends and family, they’d highlight Nancy’s successes. Although Audrey was extremely talented artistically and won awards at school and in local art contests, they’d say next to nothing about her accomplishments. Instead, they complained about her academic struggles and how they hoped she’d focus less on art and more on her
“real” schoolwork. Over time, Audrey became jealous and resentful of her sister, and furious with her parents.
It was at this point that she started smoking marijuana regularly.

As much as we’d like to think rivalries between siblings end about the time they graduate from their pull-ups, it’s important for parents to realize that the competitions are alive and well during adolescence. Although it’s impossible to prevent sibling rivalries altogether, parents can take steps to help minimize the negative effects of the struggles.

One vital step is to strive not to compare one teen’s successes to another. If we focus on the skills and accomplishments of one child and give the other the message that they should work on developing the same skills, it’s a set-up for ill will to develop between them. Had Audrey’s parents complimented her for her accomplishments, rather than focusing on areas in which she wasn’t as talented or successful as Nancy,
Audrey’s struggles could have been less severe.

It’s also helpful to compliment your teen in public as frequently as possible. While she might roll her eyes and look uncomfortable, she’ll eat-up the positive attention. Had Audrey felt that she, too, was a star in her parents’ eyes, it’s likely she wouldn’t have been as affected by the positive attention they’d lavished upon Nancy.

Finally, spend quality one-on-one time outside your home with each of your teens. Let them know that they can speak freely about how they’re feeling, and listen openly to the feedback you receive. Should they give specific examples of how they’d like to be treated differently, consider them carefully and make changes when possible. This would give them the message that their feelings are valid and important. It would also
increase the likelihood that they’d be open to hearing about your concerns and following your suggestions.

Fortunately, Audrey’s parents were receptive to my guidance and took steps to change how they treated her. They focused on celebrating Audrey for her artistic talents, rather than comparing her to her Nancy and criticizing her when she didn’t match-up. This helped Audrey feel better, and the relationships with both her parents and sister improved significantly. Before long, she no longer felt the need to get high, and her
grades started improving steadily.

To view the article, copy and paste the link below to the address bar. If you have difficulty, the author is Michael Alison Chandler, and it’s on the front page of today’s (1-16-12) Bee.

In schools, self-esteem boosting is losing favor to rigor, finer-tuned praise

You and your teen
Consequences that work
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist
steve@rivercitycounseling.com

A few months ago, a 16-year-old boy, “John,” and his parents started therapy. John had been defiant recently and broke curfew two Saturdays in a row. Each time, he’d received a stern lecture and was sent to bed, only to sneak back out as soon as he thought they’d gone to sleep. When his parents caught him sneaking back in the first time, they’d been angry and threatened consequences, which made John very upset. He’d begged them not to ground him, and against their better judgment they’d let him slide. When it all happened again the following week, they didn’t know what to do and called me.

As we started talking, his mom turned to John and blurted out, “If you break any rules between now and the end of school, you’ll be grounded for the entire summer.” Without thinking, I said, “Why would you want to do that to yourself?”

As much as Miss Manners would have frowned upon my lack of finesse, his parents appreciated my straightforward approach, as they realized they didn’t want to spend their summer supervising John 24-7. Had they tried, John would likely have blamed them for ruining his summer and made things unpleasant for everybody. Fortunately, they understood my point and were receptive to my suggestions.

As tempting as it might be to react immediately and give harsh, lengthy consequences when your teen breaks rules, it’s important to take time to calm down and think about how you feel and what you want to say. When John’s parents did this they realized that they were angry, worried, and confused by what he’d done, and they shared this with him.

After you’re satisfied that you teen has understood your concerns, encourage him/her to talk about what led
him/her to make these choices. When John’s parents did this, they learned that he had been having serious problems with his girlfriend, and he’d felt that the only time they could talk was late at night.

After everyone feels heard, consider how to respond. As much as John’s parents felt badly about the problems he was having, they concluded that he could have found another time to talk. Had they known he was having problems, they would have helped him figure out an alternative time. Since he’d chosen to sneak out instead, they felt consequences were appropriate. John grudgingly agreed, and he promised to try to be more open about his problems in the future.

As you consider the length of the restriction and what privileges to remove, I suggest starting with brief, rather than lengthy consequences, and removing less rather than more. This helps you focus the conversation on making better choices, rather than on your teen’s anger and resentment. As John choices were breaking curfew and sneaking back out for two weekends in a row, his parents decided that he wouldn’t be allowed to go out for the next two weekends. They chose not to take away other privileges.

When the initial consequences aren’t effective, it’s necessary to adjust them by removing additional privileges. John, as with most teenagers, would rather eat nails and drink boiling oil before losing cell phone and/or car privileges. Had John continued defying his parents’ rules by sneaking out or making other serious errors in judgment, I would have encouraged his parents to remove them in addition to the weekend restriction.

I realize that parents don’t want to give consequences, but there are times that they’re appropriate and necessary. Our teens will resist them, and sometimes it can feel easier to give in rather than arguing. However, if you hold firm, I’ve found that over time teens get tired of losing out on what they want to do and make better choices.

There’s no one simple reason for why we have these feelings. Some people have no family nearby and can’t afford to fly home. Others choose not to see their families for any number of reasons. Still others are sad because Christmas isn’t as fun as “they” say it should be or as we remember it from our childhoods. Toughest of all are those who are missing those who have died. Regardless, December 25th is coming, and we have to figure out how to spend the day in a way that leaves us feeling as content and fulfilled as possible.

A good starting place is to have as positive an attitude about your day as possible. Rather than focusing on who you’re not with or what you wish was different, embrace who and what you do have and make decisions with them in mind.

Then take steps to start building your own traditions. Perhaps you’ll share a meal with good friends. Cook some of your holiday favorites, and encourage them bring a dish to share. Maybe John will bring the baked beans his grandmother taught him to make, and Lynn will make her special spiced cider. Over the years, the friends with whom you spend Christmas will become your second family, and the positive memories you make will become what you think about when reflecting on Christmas.

Another way to help cope with the hard feelings that can come with Christmas is to reach out and help others. Perhaps you’ll volunteer at a neighborhood soup kitchen or visit a convalescent hospital. Regardless of what you do, you’ll be around others and doing something meaningful. As a nice by-product, you could end up meeting like-minded people you’d want to hang out with again.

Trying to cope with the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but never more so than during the holidays. The best way to remember them is by creating rituals that honor them. If Uncle Max used to smoke a cigar, rain, snow or shine, at 4 p.m. every Christmas, honor him by doing the same. You probably won’t miss him any less, but you’d likely find some peace as you try to enjoy the day.

Regardless of how you spend the day or whom you’re with, anticipate that you’ll be faced with challenging feelings and situations. As easy at it might be to give in and allow them to set the tone for your day, prepare ahead of time this year and make choices that leave you feeling loved and supported. And your Christmas will probably be merrier than you’d anticipated.

http://www.fox40.com/videogallery/66675172/News/Is-Cheating-Acceptable?-Steve-DeBenedetti-Emanuel/Licensed-Therapist

When you walk in the door at your parents’ house for the holidays, you know what to expect.   Your father greets you at the door, wearing his Bill Cosby sweater for the 25^th year straight.  Appetizers are at 2 and dinner is served at 3:45 on the dot.  At 6:15 p.m. everyone walks around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights and then have fudge at 7 when you return.  Only then do you open up presents.  What seems overly scheduled and boring to others is as comfortable for you as your favorite sweats.

When you get to your spouse’s house, things will be radically different.  Uncle Max will sit outside and smoke a cigar, rain, snow, or shine at 3 p.m. on Christmas Day, just as he has for the last forty years.  Her entire family will be loud, and you’ll have to shout to be heard.  Someone will drink too much and break into traditional Irish folk songs.  Eventually she’ll be set off by something that won’t make sense.  But your confusion is beside the point, because you aren’t there to make sense of things.  You’re there to roll with things, be supportive, and hopefully have some fun hanging out with Uncle Max.

As much as it’s great to be spontaneous, when it comes to family, the best way to have fun is to prepare ahead of time.  Talk about who’s going to be there and what they typically do that gets her goat. Then make a plan for what you’ll do when you’ve had your fill of family time and need a break.  Perhaps you’ll go for a walk or a coffee.  Maybe you’ll see old friends.  You might even plan to take a vacation from your vacation and go away overnight.

Once there, check-in with your spouse from time-to-time.  If she’s starting to get frazzled and dragged into those same family disagreements from 20 years ago, take her away from the festivities for a moment and suggest that you do some of the things you planned ahead of time.

Keep in mind that you may have to be strategic about when you take your break.  You could get in the way of family traditions and cause more problems than it’s worth.  Rather than skipping the 30-year tradition of taking eggnog and Aunt Sally’s inedible fruitcake to all the neighbors and upsetting everyone, take time away before or after the ritual.  Once you’ve had your time away, you’ll be much more likely to enjoy yourselves (and be more enjoyable).

Also, cut her some slack.  When at home, she’s probably kind and considerate, and you get along well.  When with family, things probably won’t go so smoothly, and she might get crabby.  Rather than getting on her for being less than elegant, try to understand that she’s putting all of her energy into managing her family.  She’s doing her best to be pleasant to you, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

It’s often easier and more fun spending time with your spouse’s family.  And let’s hope this is the case for you.  However, if you find yourself starting to get frustrated with how things are going, take a moment and remind yourself that the holidays won’t last forever.  After you’ve both had a chance to detox, things will be back to normal.  Also, keep in mind that you’ll be with your family next time, and they’ll do all the nonsensical things that they do.  And you’ll want her to have your back.

All parents struggle to make decisions regarding the balance of work and family life.  The bills have to get paid, but at the same time the benefits of having regular parental supervision after school can’t be denied.  Not only would you have an opportunity to spend some quality time with your kid, but you could also help with homework and other activities.  Kids are also way less likely to do what they’re not supposed to (e.g. use drugs and have sex) when a parent is home.

I’m not going to pretend it’s easy (or in many instances even an option) for a parent to stay home. The anxiety that comes with going from two incomes to one can be overwhelming.  Nonetheless, it’s worth at least considering.

An obvious starting point is to look at your expenses.  What items in your budget are “needs” and what are “wants”?  Are there things you can do without, or at least limit?  Just a few examples of things parents are doing to cut costs are: eliminating the house cleaner and/or gardener, clipping coupons, cutting their entertainment and eating out budgets, getting rid of memberships they don’t use (e.g. gyms, Netflix, etc.), and canceling the cable.  Others have cut costs dramatically by getting rid of one of their cars.

Next, look at ways to increase your income.  Could the parent working outside the home pick-up extra projects and more hours at work?  Or could he/she take-on a second, part-time job?

If you and your spouse crunch the numbers and conclude that it isn’t realistic for your family to survive on one income, consider being creative within the confines of your current jobs.  Could you work opposite shifts?  Or could you telecommute some of the time?  Could you work 4-10 hour days or reduce the amount of hours you work?  Even if you don’t think your boss will say “yes” give it a try.  It’s my experience that many companies pride themselves on being “family friendly” (particularly if it saves them some money).

The changes I’m suggesting come with different challenges, and it’s pretty easy to decide that having a parent stay at home all or most of the time isn’t realistic.  However, with some creativity and willingness to be flexible, changes can be made that leave your children supervised more frequently and improve your entire family’s quality of life.

You and your teen
Surviving the holidays
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist
steve@rivercitycounseling.com

Recently, my client “Dave” has been worried about his yearly visit to Southern California.  He and his wife and kids are spending Christmas with his parents and siblings and staying for a few days afterwards.  As Dave is a chef, the unspoken expectation is that he’s going to prepare a lavish feast.  And for the last eight years, he has.  While others relax, he spends the entire day cooking, getting little help from anyone but his mother and wife.  By the time the celebration starts, he’s resentful, exhausted and in no mood to celebrate.

And others fulfill their roles.  His brother socializes, doesn’t even offer to help, and drinks too much.  His sister snaps at everyone and leaves in a huff.  His father tells loud, inappropriate jokes that make others uncomfortable.

Dave wants things to be different this year.  He has already told his parents that he’s taking the year off from cooking.  He has suggested either a potluck or going to a restaurant.  He has also made plans to take his wife and kids to Disneyland for a couple of days.  He then plans to return to his parents’ house for their last night before heading home.

Just as Dave is trying a new strategy this year, each of us has to figure out what to do differently, to increase the chance of enjoying the holidays with our families.  Here are some thoughts to keep in mind as you prepare to go.

It’s OK to break lifelong patterns of behavior.  There’s nothing like time spent with family for you to suddenly find yourself talking and acting like you did when you were a teenager living at home.  When you realize you’re doing this, gently remind yourself that you are now an adult, and as long as you aren’t rude or inconsiderate, you are free to behave however you want.

Be aware that your siblings and parents are also likely to repeat their lifelong patterns.  The brother who has always said mean things in order to knock you down will probably try to do the same this year.  Remind yourself not to take his bait. Instead, take a deep breath and respond to him as calmly and kindly as possible.  Eventually, he’ll lose interest and pester others.

Despite the inevitable pressure to be together for EVERY MINUTE of your visit, take breaks from your family.  Be it spending an evening with a friend, heading away overnight, or just taking a walk around the block after dinner, if you spend some time away from your family you’re more likely to enjoy your time with them.

Regardless of what you plan to do differently, be aware that you will probably feel the pressure to act like you always have.  If you stick to your guns and do what makes you (and your spouse and children) happy, rather than giving in and feeling badly afterwards, it’s likely that you’ll leave feeling satisfied and (almost) ready for next year.

A few days later, my son didn’t do what I’d asked.  As it was the umpteenth time he’d ignored me, I felt frustrated.  Although I didn’t berate or yell at him, I said some things that hurt his feelings.  Although I felt justified getting angry, I felt badly because I’d hurt his feelings, and I considered what to say and do.

On one hand, it seemed logical.  If I expected him to apologize when he hurt his friend, then shouldn’t I do the same?  Maybe it was my pride or ego or the belief that parents shouldn’t HAVE to apologize to their kids, but something kept me from apologizing immediately.  After thinking about it, I realized that it’s vital for me to be a good role model for my son.  If I expect him to take responsibility for his mistakes, then I should too.  I used this as my guide and apologized, and we went on with our day.

When we apologize to our kids, word choice is crucial.  It’s important not to say, “I’m sorry, BUT.”   When you add “but” to your apology, you’re doing little beyond justifying what you said.

Instead, keep it simple and say something like, “I’m sorry for saying/doing what I did.  It wasn’t ok.”  Then, take time to listen to his/her response without getting defensive.  By doing this, you’ve taken responsibility for what you’ve said/done.  As an added bonus, your apology could open the door for further conversation, in which your child might end up hearing your original point.

There are also some steps to take on your own.  Reflect on how you handled the situation and consider how you’d like to approach a similar situation more effectively next time.  That way, you’ll have a plan rather than simply reacting.

Also, consider how you were feeling when you spoke or acted poorly.  Did you have a particularly difficult day?  Or were you worried about other issues?  If so, could you have taken steps (e.g. go to the gym or talking to a friend) to help you decompress before heading home?

Believe me, apologizing to our kids can be humbling and difficult.  However, when we do, we’re giving our kids the message that it’s important to take responsibility for their mistakes.  We’re also giving them the message that we’re imperfect, but we’ll try to do it better next time.  After all, how are our kids supposed to learn and grow, if we don’t show them how to do it?