This creates a dilemma for parents. They realize that their relationship with their children has changed, and they want to be respectful of their budding adulthood. At the same time, they’re concerned that they might feel pressured to tiptoe around all day, so as not to wake up junior. They’re wondering if it’s still OK to have a curfew and if they’ll stay up worrying when their kids don’t come home and don’t call. Some are even wondering if they should just give in and have a few beers with their kids. After all, they’ve done it all year at school, so why bother fighting it? (Just so I’m clear, in no way would I encourage a parent to allow their underage kids to drink in their home. However, this is a real issue that many parents will face, so it’s worth considering.)

If you’re worried about these or other issues, the time to talk with your kids is now, before they arrive. Parents often wait until their kids are home to talk with them. But by that time it’s likely too late, and your calm oasis could become a typhoon zone. You’ll begin the summer arguing with your children, and you’ll have to put in way too much time and effort to right the ship.

Before talking, think about what your expectations are. Will they have a curfew? Do you expect them to get a summer job? Or will they help around the house to make spending money? Or are they expected to help around the house, regardless of payment? Will they be expected to join the family for regular events: church, holiday parties, etc.? Are they planning on sharing your car? Do you expect them to be up by a certain time? Do they need to call or send you a text if they are going to spend the night elsewhere? Can their boy/girlfriend sleep over?

After sharing your expectations, be open to hearing their opinions. After all, they’re adults (at least chronologically) and they should have some say in the rules. Be open to what they say and make adjustments where you’re comfortable.

Then when they get home, have a follow-up conversation, in which you remind them about the expectations you discussed. Be prepared to reopen negotiations, as circumstances may change between now and then. At the same time, remain aware of your core needs: sleep, not worrying if/when they’ll come home or if they’ll be intoxicated, the need for quality family time, etc. and stick to them.

In a perfect world, everyone respects everyone and the summer runs smooth as silk. The reality is that your child will probably challenge the rules and you’ll have to revisit what you discussed previously. If the problem isn’t solved after talking about it, you’ll have to take further actions. OK, it’s pretty difficult to ground a 19-year-old. Instead, they’re probably still dependent on you for money and transportation. And if they refuse to adjust their behavior, these privileges can be withheld until they do.

By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL / Valley Community Newspapers columnist

I recently received a call from the mother of a 15-year-old I’ll call “John.” She told me that she was concerned about and confused by his behavior. Some of the time, John did fabulously, earning “As” and getting along well with most everybody. Other times, he was defiant, mean to his sisters and refused to do his homework.

When I met John I, too, was confused…for about five minutes. After chatting pleasantly, he broke down and told me about his parents’ divorce. They’d split when he was seven, but it felt like yesterday. Until recently he’d handled his feelings well enough, but he’d reached the point that he felt angry and upset whenever he felt the tension increase between them.

His parents were both surprised to hear this, as they felt that they’d done well hiding the conflict from him. They both admitted that right after the divorce it was really hard, and they’d struggled keeping their feelings of anger and resentment private. But they’d gotten to the point that they were cordial when around him and kept negative feelings confined to email.

John laughed when he heard this and told me that he didn’t need to read their emails to know how much they dislike each other. He then proceeded to list the ways they show their feelings. Even though they didn’t argue in front of him, they still expressed their frustrations out loud. Sometimes they did it subtly by mumbling their frustrations under their breath and sighing when talking on the phone. Other times they expressed themselves much more clearly by telling him things like, “Your father is being difficult;” and “Sorry, you can’t go. Your mother is mad at me.”

When you’re frustrated with your teen’s other parent, take steps to keep your feelings private. When you need to vent, call a friend and keep your teen out of it. If your teen knows how you’re feeling, it puts him/her in the middle and feeling like he/she has to choose one of you over the other.

I saw John on Monday nights, and every-other week he’d bring all his gear, as his mom dropped him off and his father picked him up. Each time, he’d complain about how difficult it was and how he wished the custody agreement was less complicated.

When you come up with visitation schedules, keep you child’s best interests in mind by making it as simple as possible. If you can keep your teen from having to change homes in the middle of the week, do so. Or perhaps you could simplify things by having two sets of clothes, books, sports equipment, etc., so you can limit the carting back and forth. Regardless, make decisions based on what’s best and easiest for you teen, not on what’s convenient for you.

John also told me that he felt his parents took their hostility out on the other by being inflexible with exceptions to the schedule. Not long ago, his dad’s parents came into town at the last minute, but his mother wouldn’t let him see them because it was “her weekend.” She gave John a rational explanation, but he didn’t buy it.

Make decisions based on your teen’s best interest, not on sticking it to your ex. If your ex asks you to adjust the schedule, do it unless it’s thoroughly impractical. Don’t penalize you child in order to get back at him/her. Although it might inconvenience you, your teen will appreciate it, and your ex will be more likely to accommodate your future requests.

After hearing John’s concerns, his parents made significant changes in the way they communicated and treated each other. Their relationship isn’t perfect and they still argue, but John is left out of the middle of things. He’s less stressed and angry, and his relationships with both of them have also improved.

steve@rivercitycounseling.com

These changes included encouraging the girls to strengthen their relationship. In this entry, I’ll share some thoughts on what parents can do to help siblings with this.

When you notice there’s a problem bigger than the “Mom she’s wearing my shoes AGAIN” type of conflict, talk to each of them separately. Tell each what you’ve noticed them doing that’s hurting their relationship and suggest alternatives for treating the other. Expect each to get defensive and focus on the other’s behavior. When they do, tell them that you understand and gently remind each of them what you see them doing to their sibling.

If problems have been simmering for a long time, it’s likely you’ll have to bring the two together to talk. Be prepared to throw on your striped-shirt and whistle, because the conversation could quickly degrade into a finger-pointing, blame-game, where neither feels heard and both are frustrated. Guide them such that each of your teens has a chance to share how they’re feeling about what the other is doing. At the same time, encourage each to own-up to what they could do differently to improve their relationship. Make sure that each of your kids feels heard. Have each repeat back what they heard the other say, and keep asking questions until you’re satisfied that they both feel understood.

You can also encourage (which initially may feel more like forcing) your teens to spend time together outside the house, without other friends (and hopefully leaving their cell phones in their pockets!) Don’t worry what they’re doing (within reason) and what they’re discussing (as they’ll probably be complaining about you!)

They can also work on projects together around the house. Give them a budget and let them figure out what to do. (Don’t worry; you’ll still have final veto power!) Have them set a time-line for finishing, and send them on their way to get started.

Finally, encourage them to attend the other’s events. Even if one teen is a jock and the other paints and could care less about anything competitive, having them there for each other is hugely important. As their relationship grows, you’ll likely notice that they become each other’s biggest fans. The hope is that this will carry over into a lifelong friendship, in which they support each other through the inevitable challenges life will bring (including parenting their own teenagers!)

Be patient with yourself and them because things aren’t going to be perfect, and they’ll still fight. From time-to-time, you’ll still need to step-in and help them work through their conflicts. The hope, though, is that the work they put into strengthening their relationship during the good times will make it easier for them to solve their problems without as much drama and help from you.

You and your teen
Managing sibling rivalries
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist
steve@rivercitycounseling.com

Not long ago, I got a call from the parents of two adolescent girls. They were concerned because their younger daughter’s grades had slipped significantly and her friends and behavior had changed drastically. They’d suspected that she’d begun using drugs, and after careful consideration made the choice to drug test her. When she tested positive they’d confronted her,and she admitted to smoking marijuana on a regular basis.

“Audrey” was about three minutes into her first session when she started sobbing as she told me about her older sister “Nancy.” She was a top student and well-loved by both peers and teachers. She also had a really nice boyfriend and had never gotten in trouble for much beyond breaking curfew by a few minutes.

It was clear that Audrey felt that Nancy was her parents’ favorite. When they were out with friends and family, they’d highlight Nancy’s successes. Although Audrey was extremely talented artistically and won awards at school and in local art contests, they’d say next to nothing about her accomplishments. Instead, they complained about her academic struggles and how they hoped she’d focus less on art and more on her
“real” schoolwork. Over time, Audrey became jealous and resentful of her sister, and furious with her parents.
It was at this point that she started smoking marijuana regularly.

As much as we’d like to think rivalries between siblings end about the time they graduate from their pull-ups, it’s important for parents to realize that the competitions are alive and well during adolescence. Although it’s impossible to prevent sibling rivalries altogether, parents can take steps to help minimize the negative effects of the struggles.

One vital step is to strive not to compare one teen’s successes to another. If we focus on the skills and accomplishments of one child and give the other the message that they should work on developing the same skills, it’s a set-up for ill will to develop between them. Had Audrey’s parents complimented her for her accomplishments, rather than focusing on areas in which she wasn’t as talented or successful as Nancy,
Audrey’s struggles could have been less severe.

It’s also helpful to compliment your teen in public as frequently as possible. While she might roll her eyes and look uncomfortable, she’ll eat-up the positive attention. Had Audrey felt that she, too, was a star in her parents’ eyes, it’s likely she wouldn’t have been as affected by the positive attention they’d lavished upon Nancy.

Finally, spend quality one-on-one time outside your home with each of your teens. Let them know that they can speak freely about how they’re feeling, and listen openly to the feedback you receive. Should they give specific examples of how they’d like to be treated differently, consider them carefully and make changes when possible. This would give them the message that their feelings are valid and important. It would also
increase the likelihood that they’d be open to hearing about your concerns and following your suggestions.

Fortunately, Audrey’s parents were receptive to my guidance and took steps to change how they treated her. They focused on celebrating Audrey for her artistic talents, rather than comparing her to her Nancy and criticizing her when she didn’t match-up. This helped Audrey feel better, and the relationships with both her parents and sister improved significantly. Before long, she no longer felt the need to get high, and her
grades started improving steadily.

To view the article, copy and paste the link below to the address bar. If you have difficulty, the author is Michael Alison Chandler, and it’s on the front page of today’s (1-16-12) Bee.

In schools, self-esteem boosting is losing favor to rigor, finer-tuned praise

You and your teen
Consequences that work
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist
steve@rivercitycounseling.com

A few months ago, a 16-year-old boy, “John,” and his parents started therapy. John had been defiant recently and broke curfew two Saturdays in a row. Each time, he’d received a stern lecture and was sent to bed, only to sneak back out as soon as he thought they’d gone to sleep. When his parents caught him sneaking back in the first time, they’d been angry and threatened consequences, which made John very upset. He’d begged them not to ground him, and against their better judgment they’d let him slide. When it all happened again the following week, they didn’t know what to do and called me.

As we started talking, his mom turned to John and blurted out, “If you break any rules between now and the end of school, you’ll be grounded for the entire summer.” Without thinking, I said, “Why would you want to do that to yourself?”

As much as Miss Manners would have frowned upon my lack of finesse, his parents appreciated my straightforward approach, as they realized they didn’t want to spend their summer supervising John 24-7. Had they tried, John would likely have blamed them for ruining his summer and made things unpleasant for everybody. Fortunately, they understood my point and were receptive to my suggestions.

As tempting as it might be to react immediately and give harsh, lengthy consequences when your teen breaks rules, it’s important to take time to calm down and think about how you feel and what you want to say. When John’s parents did this they realized that they were angry, worried, and confused by what he’d done, and they shared this with him.

After you’re satisfied that you teen has understood your concerns, encourage him/her to talk about what led
him/her to make these choices. When John’s parents did this, they learned that he had been having serious problems with his girlfriend, and he’d felt that the only time they could talk was late at night.

After everyone feels heard, consider how to respond. As much as John’s parents felt badly about the problems he was having, they concluded that he could have found another time to talk. Had they known he was having problems, they would have helped him figure out an alternative time. Since he’d chosen to sneak out instead, they felt consequences were appropriate. John grudgingly agreed, and he promised to try to be more open about his problems in the future.

As you consider the length of the restriction and what privileges to remove, I suggest starting with brief, rather than lengthy consequences, and removing less rather than more. This helps you focus the conversation on making better choices, rather than on your teen’s anger and resentment. As John choices were breaking curfew and sneaking back out for two weekends in a row, his parents decided that he wouldn’t be allowed to go out for the next two weekends. They chose not to take away other privileges.

When the initial consequences aren’t effective, it’s necessary to adjust them by removing additional privileges. John, as with most teenagers, would rather eat nails and drink boiling oil before losing cell phone and/or car privileges. Had John continued defying his parents’ rules by sneaking out or making other serious errors in judgment, I would have encouraged his parents to remove them in addition to the weekend restriction.

I realize that parents don’t want to give consequences, but there are times that they’re appropriate and necessary. Our teens will resist them, and sometimes it can feel easier to give in rather than arguing. However, if you hold firm, I’ve found that over time teens get tired of losing out on what they want to do and make better choices.

There’s no one simple reason for why we have these feelings. Some people have no family nearby and can’t afford to fly home. Others choose not to see their families for any number of reasons. Still others are sad because Christmas isn’t as fun as “they” say it should be or as we remember it from our childhoods. Toughest of all are those who are missing those who have died. Regardless, December 25th is coming, and we have to figure out how to spend the day in a way that leaves us feeling as content and fulfilled as possible.

A good starting place is to have as positive an attitude about your day as possible. Rather than focusing on who you’re not with or what you wish was different, embrace who and what you do have and make decisions with them in mind.

Then take steps to start building your own traditions. Perhaps you’ll share a meal with good friends. Cook some of your holiday favorites, and encourage them bring a dish to share. Maybe John will bring the baked beans his grandmother taught him to make, and Lynn will make her special spiced cider. Over the years, the friends with whom you spend Christmas will become your second family, and the positive memories you make will become what you think about when reflecting on Christmas.

Another way to help cope with the hard feelings that can come with Christmas is to reach out and help others. Perhaps you’ll volunteer at a neighborhood soup kitchen or visit a convalescent hospital. Regardless of what you do, you’ll be around others and doing something meaningful. As a nice by-product, you could end up meeting like-minded people you’d want to hang out with again.

Trying to cope with the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but never more so than during the holidays. The best way to remember them is by creating rituals that honor them. If Uncle Max used to smoke a cigar, rain, snow or shine, at 4 p.m. every Christmas, honor him by doing the same. You probably won’t miss him any less, but you’d likely find some peace as you try to enjoy the day.

Regardless of how you spend the day or whom you’re with, anticipate that you’ll be faced with challenging feelings and situations. As easy at it might be to give in and allow them to set the tone for your day, prepare ahead of time this year and make choices that leave you feeling loved and supported. And your Christmas will probably be merrier than you’d anticipated.

http://www.fox40.com/videogallery/66675172/News/Is-Cheating-Acceptable?-Steve-DeBenedetti-Emanuel/Licensed-Therapist

When you walk in the door at your parents’ house for the holidays, you know what to expect.   Your father greets you at the door, wearing his Bill Cosby sweater for the 25^th year straight.  Appetizers are at 2 and dinner is served at 3:45 on the dot.  At 6:15 p.m. everyone walks around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights and then have fudge at 7 when you return.  Only then do you open up presents.  What seems overly scheduled and boring to others is as comfortable for you as your favorite sweats.

When you get to your spouse’s house, things will be radically different.  Uncle Max will sit outside and smoke a cigar, rain, snow, or shine at 3 p.m. on Christmas Day, just as he has for the last forty years.  Her entire family will be loud, and you’ll have to shout to be heard.  Someone will drink too much and break into traditional Irish folk songs.  Eventually she’ll be set off by something that won’t make sense.  But your confusion is beside the point, because you aren’t there to make sense of things.  You’re there to roll with things, be supportive, and hopefully have some fun hanging out with Uncle Max.

As much as it’s great to be spontaneous, when it comes to family, the best way to have fun is to prepare ahead of time.  Talk about who’s going to be there and what they typically do that gets her goat. Then make a plan for what you’ll do when you’ve had your fill of family time and need a break.  Perhaps you’ll go for a walk or a coffee.  Maybe you’ll see old friends.  You might even plan to take a vacation from your vacation and go away overnight.

Once there, check-in with your spouse from time-to-time.  If she’s starting to get frazzled and dragged into those same family disagreements from 20 years ago, take her away from the festivities for a moment and suggest that you do some of the things you planned ahead of time.

Keep in mind that you may have to be strategic about when you take your break.  You could get in the way of family traditions and cause more problems than it’s worth.  Rather than skipping the 30-year tradition of taking eggnog and Aunt Sally’s inedible fruitcake to all the neighbors and upsetting everyone, take time away before or after the ritual.  Once you’ve had your time away, you’ll be much more likely to enjoy yourselves (and be more enjoyable).

Also, cut her some slack.  When at home, she’s probably kind and considerate, and you get along well.  When with family, things probably won’t go so smoothly, and she might get crabby.  Rather than getting on her for being less than elegant, try to understand that she’s putting all of her energy into managing her family.  She’s doing her best to be pleasant to you, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

It’s often easier and more fun spending time with your spouse’s family.  And let’s hope this is the case for you.  However, if you find yourself starting to get frustrated with how things are going, take a moment and remind yourself that the holidays won’t last forever.  After you’ve both had a chance to detox, things will be back to normal.  Also, keep in mind that you’ll be with your family next time, and they’ll do all the nonsensical things that they do.  And you’ll want her to have your back.

All parents struggle to make decisions regarding the balance of work and family life.  The bills have to get paid, but at the same time the benefits of having regular parental supervision after school can’t be denied.  Not only would you have an opportunity to spend some quality time with your kid, but you could also help with homework and other activities.  Kids are also way less likely to do what they’re not supposed to (e.g. use drugs and have sex) when a parent is home.

I’m not going to pretend it’s easy (or in many instances even an option) for a parent to stay home. The anxiety that comes with going from two incomes to one can be overwhelming.  Nonetheless, it’s worth at least considering.

An obvious starting point is to look at your expenses.  What items in your budget are “needs” and what are “wants”?  Are there things you can do without, or at least limit?  Just a few examples of things parents are doing to cut costs are: eliminating the house cleaner and/or gardener, clipping coupons, cutting their entertainment and eating out budgets, getting rid of memberships they don’t use (e.g. gyms, Netflix, etc.), and canceling the cable.  Others have cut costs dramatically by getting rid of one of their cars.

Next, look at ways to increase your income.  Could the parent working outside the home pick-up extra projects and more hours at work?  Or could he/she take-on a second, part-time job?

If you and your spouse crunch the numbers and conclude that it isn’t realistic for your family to survive on one income, consider being creative within the confines of your current jobs.  Could you work opposite shifts?  Or could you telecommute some of the time?  Could you work 4-10 hour days or reduce the amount of hours you work?  Even if you don’t think your boss will say “yes” give it a try.  It’s my experience that many companies pride themselves on being “family friendly” (particularly if it saves them some money).

The changes I’m suggesting come with different challenges, and it’s pretty easy to decide that having a parent stay at home all or most of the time isn’t realistic.  However, with some creativity and willingness to be flexible, changes can be made that leave your children supervised more frequently and improve your entire family’s quality of life.