A River Runs Through It

A River Runs Through It http://www.thebody.com/content/art52269.html A blog by River Huston at TheBody.com. http://www.thebody.com/images/blog/rhuston_biobox.jpg River Huson http://www.thebody.com/content/art52269.html 115 144 On Being Sick http://www.thebody.com/content/78585/on-being-sick.html Each day starts the same. I wake up in pain; I take some medication. Without it, the pain progresses to agony levels. I have no appetite; there is nothing that entices me, but I know if I don't eat something I will feel worse, so I eat. I go back to bed and meditate, often for hours, and then fall back asleep. I wake up, and sometimes I have to go to the bathroom, and I am my own cheerleader: You can do it! Come on big girl, time for pee pee! I go to the bathroom. I go back to bed. I can do the computer for short periods before it is too painful. If I do too much, I have terrible episodes of spinning and puking.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/78585/on-being-sick.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 14 Oct 2016 15:59:00 GMT Loving Myself Too Much to Accept Stigmatized 'Love' http://www.thebody.com/content/77331/loving-myself-too-much-to-accept-stigmatized-love.html I met someone. I felt this instant connection. He responded in kind. Big smiles and little touches that led to kisses. Kisses that led to "fly me to the moon, feel the earth move, curl my toes" kinds of kisses for hours.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/77331/loving-myself-too-much-to-accept-stigmatized-love.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Sat, 26 Mar 2016 18:14:00 GMT Rape in Words and Actions: A Disclosure Story http://www.thebody.com/content/71598/rape-in-words-and-actions-a-disclosure-story.html I met someone. I felt this instant connection. He responded in kind. Big smiles, little touches that lead to a kiss, and that kiss led to a fly-me-to-the-moon, feel-the-earth-move, curl-your-toes kind of kiss for hours.

In the day that followed we told our stories and finally it came to that moment when it was time for me to disclose and I did.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/71598/rape-in-words-and-actions-a-disclosure-story.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 24 May 2013 20:07:00 GMT India http://www.thebody.com/content/70983/india.html In January of 2013 I went to India. I never had a desire to go to India. I was asked and I went. The primary reason was to talk to health professionals about addiction and explain the concept that addiction and alcoholism are a disease not just weakness, lack of will power or bad character.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/70983/india.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Wed, 20 Mar 2013 12:13:00 GMT Does HIV Still Bother Me, After 22 Years? http://www.thebody.com/content/70424/does-hiv-still-bother-me-after-22-years.html This morning as I was walking my dog, I was doing a mental checklist about what I need to do before I take my upcoming trip to India. I thought I should get some blood work done before I go. Then, as my mind sometimes does, it wandered. I thought Why not get another HIV test? It has been 22 years since I had one. As I continued my walk down to the ocean I started to fantasizing about what it would feel like to receive a negative result.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/70424/does-hiv-still-bother-me-after-22-years.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 1 Feb 2013 11:24:00 GMT Being http://www.thebody.com/content/68491/being.html It is the middle of summer in the Caribbean. The cruise ships have slowed down. Everything has slowed down. I have slowed down. For the first time in my life I have taken whole days, even multiple days off to do absolutely nothing. The contest is officially over. I know I will still die in this lifetime but I have lost the urgency I felt for years (28) living with HIV and Idiopathic thrombocytopenia purpura (an acute bleeding disorder).

Read more ...

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/68491/being.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 3 Aug 2012 07:53:00 GMT Bonus Rounds http://www.thebody.com/content/65447/bonus-rounds.html Every morning I feel so fortunate to wake up to another day. I have been calling this time of my life the "bonus rounds," and they are. I live by the sea in St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, in an amazing house right on the ocean. It is not for everyone because living here is not at all like taking a vacation here. It is a little rough and tumble. For instance, the other night as I slept I felt something warm and alive plop on my head in the dark.

Read more ...

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/65447/bonus-rounds.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 20 Jan 2012 07:56:00 GMT World AIDS Day Makes Me Sad http://www.thebody.com/content/64762/world-aids-day-makes-me-sad.html World AIDS Day makes me sad. For me it is a day of mourning and grief. Even though I will stand up in front of yet another group of students and talk about how this is a preventable disease, I have no delusions after 22 years that my one talk will make much of a difference in their behavior. I might plant some seeds. I might be part of a cumulative message that eventually helps some of the people make better choices. But regardless, I will continue to speak about the need to advocate for better safe sex methods and accessible information for all types of groups around the world. I will write, paint and perform in hopes of finding alternative ways to reach the hearts and minds of the human race when it comes to AIDS education.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/64762/world-aids-day-makes-me-sad.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Mon, 21 Nov 2011 11:00:00 GMT Oops, I Did It Again http://www.thebody.com/content/62587/oops-i-did-it-again.html Since moving to Water Island in the Caribbean, I have kept a low profile. Most people here think of me as a painter, and I run a non-profit art alliance called sevenminusseven on St Thomas. I did do a couple of programs for the department of health but they were also low key and on other islands (St. Croix). So when another non-profit art group asked me to do a short performance at their women empowerment evening, I said yes. As soon as I did I realized that I would no longer be under the radar. These islands are like very small towns where no one can leave and the national pastime is gossip.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/62587/oops-i-did-it-again.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 17 Jun 2011 12:04:00 GMT Jumping Empty-Handed Into the Void http://www.thebody.com/content/art60163.html Recently my life fell apart financially, emotionally and spiritually. I had hit bottom. I have been in recovery for 25 years but I found a new addiction, or really not so new -- it might have been my first addiction -- and that is control. For the first 13 years of living with HIV infection as well as acute, chronic ITP (idiopathic thrombocytopenia pupura) I came to accept I was powerless. It is one thing HIV, if you are willing, will teach you in spades.

But over the last seven years with the availability of treatment I realized if the drugs continue to work, and even if they take 20 years off the back end of my life (sorry AARP -- I wouldn't want them anyway), I might live another 25 years. Without that faithful companion of certain death from HIV infection (all I had to do was worry about getting hit by a bus), I reverted back to that need to try and control everything.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art60163.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 14 Jan 2011 08:35:00 GMT Poetry: From "The Bones of Susan" http://www.thebody.com/content/art59985.html On the second day I cried
I could not hold it in any longer
I was strong, brave and courageous
on the first day

On the third day
morning is too bright
I wanted to talk to you
pick up the phone hang up
remember you're gone

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59985.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Thu, 30 Dec 2010 07:49:00 GMT AIDS: A Love Story http://www.thebody.com/content/art59528.html It makes me sigh with this thought of what I need to do to make people care, as well as break the preconceived notions of what they think they know. Why do I still try? I don't celebrate anything else in my life -- holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. ... But World AIDS Day always gets my attention, though "celebrate" is not the word I use. It is closer to "recognize" -- sort of like Yom Kippur but for my disease.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59528.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Sun, 21 Nov 2010 21:20:00 GMT Oh Vienna: A River Runs Through the XVIII International AIDS Conference http://www.thebody.com/content/confs/aids2010/art57866.html Hello from Vienna! It is the last day of the International AIDS Conference and I have survived! I came here to perform my one-woman show, Sex, Cellulite and Large Farm Equipment: One Girl's Guide to Living and Dying, as well as present a short film I made on women and HIV, A Positive Life. Both went very well.

When I arrived and saw the setting for the performance, I was slightly mortified. It was a very open, large space called the Global Village and besides the performance area you were surrounded by many other distractions. My show is part comedy, part performance and spoken word. It was not the best setting, but like usual I said, "Just do it." (That was my motto way before Nike -- it is how I approach just about everything -- but instead of a muscular, sporty "Just do it!," it sounds more like a tired "Just do it, for God's sake.")

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/confs/aids2010/art57866.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Fri, 23 Jul 2010 10:05:00 GMT Get Sex(Ed) on TV in the Afternoon: Vote for River to Host Her OWN Show! http://www.thebody.com/content/art56896.html I was sitting in my hotel room watching TV after a long day on the road. It is the only time I watch TV and like a good addict I watch it till it hurts! I know I need to go to sleep to get up for a flight or a performance but I can't seem to turn it off!

So it was 4 am. I was still cruising the channels when I came across this naked woman answering questions about sex. She was doing what I always dreamed of, except she was naked. She was a porn star, but that's no excuse.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art56896.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Tue, 01 Jun 2010 07:58:00 GMT I'm Smart, I'm Talented and People Like Me http://www.thebody.com/content/art56343.html The Art of Positive Thinking Despite My Inclination Toward Doubt, Destruction and General Self-Annihilation

I recently watched the movie The Bucket List [in which Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, as two terminally ill guys, do all the things they wanted to do in life before they "kick the bucket"], and it made me laugh. Been there, done that. Okay mine was not as extreme but it was my "Bucket List". What I have found more challenging -- and have written about in the past -- is living after HIV treatment with the reality that I have as many years ahead of me as any healthy 50 year old woman.

So I don't know what to call it -- maybe my "Oh Shit I Maxed My Credit Cards, Now What List" or my "Hot Flash Fantasy List" -- but I needed to find things to make my life exciting and relevant. As many downfalls as there are to living with a terminal disease, there was rarely a dull moment -- whether it was the thrill of the emergency room (subdural brain bleed) or the freedom to not worry about what anyone thinks because I would be dead soon and no one would remember if I bombed on stage. So after some thought I came up with something to do with the rest of my life that I found exciting, scary and challenging.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art56343.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Wed, 21 Apr 2010 20:00:30 GMT Answering Questions About Sex http://www.thebody.com/content/art54134.html Since I started speaking in 1992, it seems that everyone wants to take me aside and ask me questions about sex. It doesn't matter where I am, from the office of the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) to the Archdiocese of Paterson, N.J.; people have questions about sex, love, relationships, body image and plumbing. My mailbox is full of questions every day. After lectures I often find little slips of paper with inquires hastily scribbled out.

I was thinking about how I came to know so much about sex. I know about sexual wounding after surviving several sexual assaults, some brutal, while others were more emotionally devastating.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art54134.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:04:57 GMT Banned From YouTube! http://www.thebody.com/content/art53116.html I woke up this morning and discovered an e-mail from YouTube in my inbox. They have banned one of my videos! I don't know what it is about me, but I seem to offend people with what I think is educational and entertaining information.

The said video, which you can view below, describes how to put a condom on with your mouth. It is done in a very direct and candid manner, but is in no way obscene. I was indicted in 1996 by the district attorney of New Jersey for doing the same thing at Hillsborough High School. (I had permission and I was using a demonstration penis, not a student) In the end, they had to drop all charges because it was not against the law to educate. It did not stop me from being banned from high schools for about a decade.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art53116.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Wed, 5 Aug 2009 18:41:10 GMT Panama Adventure http://www.thebody.com/content/art52515.html Since I found out I was HIV positive, my whole life went into high gear. I had things to do before the final goodbye. Eighteen years passed without a vacation. I work seven days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day on the books, articles, shows, lectures, art and all the details to keep it running. When I am not in the office, I am on the road.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art52515.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Wed, 1 Jul 2009 18:31:04 GMT Body Shape and HIV http://www.thebody.com/content/art52415.html The first thing I did after I found out I was HIV positive was eat. I decided that if I was going to die, I was going to die fat. Fuck 'em, I thought; let 'em buy an extra large coffin. For the first time in my life, I let myself eat without recrimination.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art52415.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Wed, 24 Jun 2009 17:59:28 GMT Surviving HIV http://www.thebody.com/content/art52238.html You know how people like Tony Robbins will ask, "What if you had only six months left to live? Are you satisfied with the direction of your life? Are you living your dreams?" After you are diagnosed with HIV, these thoughts often come up as well.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art52238.html river@riverhuston.com (River Huston) Wed, 17 Jun 2009 03:01:58 GMT