Author’s Note: Some editing may apply to the article below. This article was originally 2 hours worth of unedited vitriol, inspired by the inordinate amount of time it takes me to remove spammers from my follower list on Twitter. (I block because I care about the health of the network.) I would like to state for the record that I am ~not~ a consultant and my field of employ does not position me as a social media anything. I am fully employed at a .com company that is none of your business because my opinions here are completely my own and in no way reflect those of my employers past, present or future, as is the case with all my articles.

Listen. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “oh god, another contrarian anti-internet jerk who just doesn’t get it”, right? Well, here’s the problem, assuming there is anything to “get” in the first place, I feel as though I do get it. So let me explain to you in no uncertain terms why I feel that you have to be very picky about how you approach the broad spectrum of things on the internet that have fallen under the somewhat dubious umbrella of “social media” – what follows applies mostly if you are a company or work for a company which wishes to employ this miracle tool to win friends and influence shoppers. Those of you who are largely concerned with keeping up with your friends and picking up some new novel on Amazon are exempt from this lecture and may go on about your business.

Someone, somewhere, right now may have just friended you or followed you or emailed you or called you with the intent to sell their services to you as an expert in social media. It may not have even been a real person, it may have been someone’s automated robot, spitting out update after update linking back to their blog or company website. This person may have been trying to convince you of one of the following things:

• You NEED to be a part of social media in order to make it in business.
• You NEED to be a part of social media to make it on the internet.
• You NEED to have dozens of automated accounts, linking to affiliate programs, so you never have to work another day in your life.
• You NEED the services of a “qualified social media expert” (really? what are the qualifications for that?) just like them to make this happen, because you, poor soul that you are, don’t get it.
• You NEED to have “conversations” with your customers, every last damn one of them, and you can somehow find all of your customers through the internet regardless of your business model or demographic.
• You NEED to be light and human and approachable on this wild, wooly internet, or your customer base will think you’re just a mean old corporate giant and won’t trust you anymore.
• You NEED to make sure that you do your campaigning virally from now on, and harness the power of the crowd.

If you are hearing any or all of the above statements, I want you to take a deep breath, take a good long look at this person telling you these things, and realize that you may be dealing with a blithering asshole, a liar, or an asshole liar. This individual may be feeding you a complete line of bullshit in order to help themselves to your money. This individual may also be intelligent, well-rounded, and respectful of you and your business. It is a VERY difficult line of judgement, and I urge individuals and businesses out to make a name for themselves (on the internet or otherwise) to tread carefully when it comes to the internet, since without self-education and experience it is very easy to get taken in by an enthusiastic pitchman who just wants you to “embrace the new media”.

Lest you think I’m just out to start trouble…

There are many ways in which acknowledging popular social media outlets could benefit a business, and just as many if not more ways that it can harm a business. It shouldn’t be a question of if your company will be participating in the various activities available on the internet, but when, how, and most importantly why.

In an extreme negative example, let us take the “Domino’s YouTube incident” into consideration for a moment. A couple of young employees of a particular Domino’s store took it upon themselves to film themselves playing with food that was intended to be delivered to a customer in a way that was clearly pretty unsanitary or at the very least against guidelines. They posted said video to YouTube, a content delivery service which allows anyone with an account to upload video files to share with as few or as many people as the account holder wishes. Due to the fact that this incident was rather outrageous, the link to that video spread a lot further than those two employees’ friends, and wound up being a huge embarrassment to the entire franchise. This in turn resulted in the President of Domino’s himself recording a response and distributing it through YouTube also. The original, incriminating videos were the kind of mildly gross, slightly shocking, pure-amusement dreck that tends to go popular, and unfortunately none of the major news outlets who covered the story back when it first occurred managed to get the number of views the video managed to receive prior to the suspension of “whiteair2″, the original account the videos were posted on.

Some would argue that if Domino’s had been proactive in their approach to social media in particular, this may not have been “as bad” or may not have happened at all. Yes and no, would be my response to that claim. Would it have been worthwhile for Domino’s to monitor for the presence of its company name on the internet, and be prepared to respond should anything negative start to gain ground? Absolutely, because as demonstrated here, things can occur which get people to talking with one another, and eventually things like this can leave the walled gardens from which they sprung. Everything I’ve heard about public relations suggests that good PR has legs and will generate positive influence that may bring in future customers. Bad PR, however, seems to have a hangar full of high speed jets which can result in misconceptions, smug disdain, and complaints that spread faster and linger for much longer.

Yet this monitoring is by no means exclusive to “social media” outlets such as YouTube or Twitter, and likewise, no amount of canned responses thrown up on YouTube, nor Twitter accounts/posts to mitigate the seemingly endless stream of whiny, self-righteous haters, can stop this sort of thing or even improve the company’s standing with either the internet using people they are supposedly reaching out to or more importantly the greater public. The extremely scripted response from the Domino’s President clocks in (as of today) at 731,695 views, according to the official posting of the video, which is downright pathetic given the amount of mass media attention this story received. However, reposts may also carry views which aren’t counted in this number. Perhaps it is not a coincidence that the articles I have read only give passing nods to Domino’s response to the matter, and focus more on the shock-and-awe blitz that the original videos seem to have stirred up to begin with.

What this story has to teach is:

• Not being aware of how you and your company can be portrayed in the public by average citizens using an easily accessible set of tools can be disastrous.
• Trying to mitigate a terrible PR situation by poorly using the tools that seem to have been the “cause” of the problem does not automatically win you the love of those same detractors. Handling the situation quickly and professionally might, if you’re lucky.

Note: A commenter brought up a good point RE: my recap of the Domino’s situation and I clarified my thoughts in a follow-up comment. Scroll down and read if you’re interested. Thank you, Liz, for the opportunity to clarify those points.

So what about my business?

What this has to do with you, and the slick individual who thinks it would be a good idea to sign your company up for Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and all these other “popular” sites, is very simple. It starts by asking yourself a very simple question: “Does my company have something tangible to gain by actively interacting with its customer base through one of these outlets?”

These days, the answer to the second question is almost guaranteed to be a partial yes, unless you’re doing something like making custom wagon parts for the Amish, then maybe not so much. Yet before you invest all your money in a fast-talking internet “guru” (which is a word to watch out for, by the way, since most of these would-be rinpoche have dubbed themselves gurus), hire 6 more people just to re-tweet press releases for you, and figure out how to talk about your product on the YouTube even if no one cares, there are a couple more questions you might want to ask yourself, your staff, and your magical social media consultant:

• Why should I be proactively seeking criticism and input from a relatively small portion of my customer base using services like Facebook and Twitter when I can dedicate more resources to a more balanced approach that entails monitoring a larger portion of the internet INCLUDING those sites to create a good cycle of reactive implementation of better features and services?
• Does my company have the ability to put someone, or several people, in “the line of fire” to respond almost instantaneously to any situation that is made aware to the public, knowing that these people must be given the freedom to respond in a largely unscripted manner if they are to be at all effective in coming across as genuine?
• Does my company – or my consultant – understand the difference between marketing, public relations, and reputation management?
  • Does my company – or consultant – understand that these initiatives are related, but are still different and will require different disciplines, approaches, and sometimes people to be successful?
• Does my company know when to draw the line and handle a situation through dealing with the traditional media outlets, understanding that for every customer on the internet, there are several more who will not have access to those broadcasts from us?
• Is my company interested in self-promotion and press releases, or direct customer relations and expanding customer service contact methods?
• What kind of things are being said about my product or service on the internet?
  • What kinds of things are being said about my competitors’ products or services?
  • What kind of things are being said about directly related or easily confused products or services?
  • What kind of things are being said about my entire niche or section of business?
  • What kind of things are being said specifically by people in my demographic for any one or all of these things?
• (And of course the pre-work to all of that previous short list of questions, in case that didn’t scare you enough:) Does my company have demographic information about our business model, niche, or industry as well as a basic understanding of the terms and topics related to that, and an ability to dedicate resources to that research before, during and after any phase of a long-term customer facing campaign on the internet?

If your “social media expert” or “guru” or just plain old consultant cannot help you address any one of the above questions, then they are not doing you a service, but a very distinct disservice. The internet is a fairly complex emotional and social landscape, but so is a television viewing audience, a base of radio listeners, and the readership of a magazine or newspaper. The key factor here is that you are always dealing with answering the question of “How does my business interact with the public?” If you let yourself get blinded by cheap tactics under the guise of “better SEO” or “getting with the times” or some kind of misguided free love approach to business on the internet that you have no plans of actually embracing, then you are going to be about as effective on a site like Twitter as a man wearing a sandwich board in the subway screaming about the end times and handing out leaflets to everyone who dares get within five feet of him. Sure, being in the subway is great exposure, and he’s yelling so everyone can hear him, he’s definitely getting to a lot of people, and he’s delivering his leaflets of content to really spread the word around. The trouble is, they all thing he’s annoying, insane, or both, and they’re probably right. It’s a terrible way to do business either out on the street or through channels like Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, etc.

Summary:

• Think before you act.
• Never abandon or detract from your bottom line for what could be a trend, or go against your core business model.
• Do not cave to the pressure to be on Twitter simply because you’re paying someone to tell you that it’s a good idea. And fire that guy who can’t give you at least one good reason why it is genuinely good for your business.
• Be aware that the internet can impact your PR, but handle the situation according to what is right for your business, not according to the media used for delivery. (Would you run a counter local Fox news investigation if a local Fox news investigation caused you a PR flap? Probably not.)

Thanks, and happy interneting!

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As I write, the people I work with have realized that our websites are down, that Rackspace’s ticketing area is down, and that Rackspace.com is down. This problem for us began around around 4:15pm EST.

Our head tech is currently on the line with them trying to get through a projected 120 minute wait. Based on the notifications we have been getting from Rackspace recently, they have been doing generator and chiller maintenance. The last being a “DFW Generator Maintenance Notification” on the 26th around 7pm. And before that, “DFW IST Chiller Maintenance” on the 25th around 7pm also.

Note, this downtime applies to the Dallas datacenter, I do not know if it applies elsewhere. More updates as I hear from our head tech and their representatives.

4:38pm EST – At least one person claims they’re already back up: http://twitter.com/evanislam/statuses/2392985312 however based on the screaming, I’d call BS on that.
4:39pm EST – @rackspace breaks their twitter silence: http://twitter.com/Rackspace/status/2393005633 but no news

4:45pm EST – We got through to one of our personal techs and all he has been allowed to say is that their datacenter is offline, and there is no ETA on getting it back up.

And I caught someone who said that the rackspace portal area is back up https://my.rackspace.com/construction/index.html check it out.

Twitter is freaking out about this faster than I can even skim for anything that could approach a nugget of truth. EVERYONE, stop whining long enough for people with actual updates to squeeze through! kthxbai.

4:53pm EST – http://twitter.com/btabke/statuses/2393217225 Webmaster World is back up and thanks @rackspace for their quick action.

4:56pm EST – http://twitter.com/chadpotts/statuses/2393243977 sounds like the problems they had last time.

chadpotts: RT @spmiller talked to a #rackspace rep…power outage in Dallas, battery backup worked fine, but when power came on, switch back didnt work

4:57pm EST – My company’s websites are back up!

5:00pm EST – Someone claims they heard from Rackspace that they were having telecom issues. http://twitter.com/nmiracle/statuses/2393318075

LOTS of people are reporting they are back up. Several are still reporting issues and down time though. News sites are starting to blow up, I’ve seen links to techcrunch, seen Scoble link to his account of events, seen a few others floating around. (What am I, chopped liver? :P)

5:05pm EST – http://twitter.com/Rackspace/status/2393405011 @rackspace provides an update on the situation.

5:10pm EST – and now the “IT MUST BE UP FOR ALL ETERNITY” complaints truly begin http://twitter.com/dingman/statuses/2393466566
5:10pm EST – http://twitter.com/Rackspace/status/2393461248 Rackspace is saying that their phones are working, just very very busy.

5:07pm EST – http://twitter.com/ChrisDrake/status/2393421572 opportunists begin to come out of the woodwork…
5:14pm EST – http://twitter.com/ahyes/statuses/2393496450 and appropriately get called out for it.

5:20pm EST – http://twitter.com/XavierLanier/statuses/2393587390 someone actually points out that having an immediate internet outlet for reporting on status issues, and not using them to update on status issues is, in fact, silly

http://twitter.com/benhschwartz/statuses/2393585920 some people are taking it with more aplomb than others

Also, inexplicably, apparently at about 4:26, Justin Timberlake apparently decided this whole @rackspace thing was worth tweeting about http://twitter.com/jtimberlake/status/2392959228 – That’s weird, right?

5:28pm EST – Another update from Rackspace about those servers that needed extra help getting back up http://twitter.com/Rackspace/status/2393705910

And at 5:44pm EST an official Rackspace email/ticket:

Subject: DFW Power Interruption
Status: New
Account #: [REDACTED]
Date: 06/29/2009 4:44pm CDT
Comment:
————————————————————————
Hello,

We have experienced an interruption in power to a portion of our Dallas-Fort Worth data center facility. Power has been restored and our DC engineers are working on devices that need to be manually brought back online as quickly as possible. Further updates will be made as soon as new information is made available. Please monitor our MyRackspace customer portal as this is the quickest way we can get updates out to you.

Sincerely,

Rackspace
————————————————————————

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Disclaimer-by-way-of-Prologue – I sat down and thought to myself: “Suppose I was to solicit some kind of bodily coupling through something like craigslist, in an area where these kind of services are clearly not at their peak usefulness?” This is the result of that thought process. (I may have also been letting my mind wander after reading Curvy. [NSFW] So, you know, whatever.) I couldn’t necessarily decide if I wanted to put it in the fiction category or not since it’s more of a “thought experiment” so I decided that the almighty FNORD would be perfectly adequate here. There is a certain amount of temptation to go ahead and post this to see what kind of responses it would turn up, but at the same time I’m afraid that the rage caused by attempting to read the painfully infantile responses that I would anticipate from such a posting would cause me to have a stroke. The other terrifying alternative is explained below, and the consequences would be no different if I were joking or serious, because some people just don’t get that other people having sex is none of their goddamn business and they, therefore, have nothing to be afraid of or disgusted by if they just take the unimportant information of who’s doing what with their naughty bits and just put it out of their mind entirely.

At any rate, the questions for the readers might be this: Would you respond to a personals ad on a site like craigslist? Would you POST a personals ad on a site like craigslist? HAVE you done either of those things, and how did it turn out if you did? I myself have always been extremely particular about my partners, so I can’t actually imagine following through with something like this, but the idea intrigues me and I am interested to hear from people who’ve been there and done that. Comment! Your email will never be published here, and if you’re worried about something like that anyway, don’t forget there’s always hushmail.

You know, this is totally crazy. I mean, New Hampshire is a pretty small state, the seacoast area doubly so from what I’ve noticed. Yet here I am, typing this up as if I’m really and truly considering putting myself and my partner up on the block to be passed over (or worse taken up) by people we’d potentially never think twice about, much less set up an intimate relationship with. An even further terrifying thought is the idea that someone I actually know, or heaven forbid work with, would actually come across this and be able to identify who I am by the way this is written or the location I’ve specified.

Not that it’s any of their business anyway. After all, if I’d wanted to include them in my sex life I probably would have just gotten extremely drunk and asked by now. Still, even if lots of people do this (and you must be at least interested or you wouldn’t be here reading this, would you?), and it’s really not that big of a deal, and if anything it’s safer and more cost effective than trolling bars, it would undoubtedly be seen as some kind of transgression of society and be laughed at heartily and most likely jeopardize my good standing with certain less open minded individuals. It’s really an unfortunate state of affairs (no pun intended).

So the first question that I must ask of you, dear respondent, is how do you deal with the knowledge that this ostensible stranger you’re contacting may be someone you know? Furthermore, how do you deal with the knowledge that you actually know nothing about this ostensible stranger if indeed they turn out to be someone previously unknown to you? A relatively decent answer to either one of these questions will also help me establish that you are not some kind of weird robot intent on selling me man-bits-enhancing-laced flapjacks or whatever it is they’re pushing these days with the spam.

Clearly, this process would have to start with some kind of meeting sans sexual expectations. Not that he or I would be looking for anyone interested in forging a lifelong bond of inseparable friendship and omfg-limbs-everywhere sex, but it would be nice to know beyond a simple reply message whether or not the person we intend to meet is some kind of mouth-breathing troglodyte before we get to the clothes off stage of things. I also naturally assume that, like me, you will want to be seeing the person whom you’re considering climbing into bed with – totally understandable. Well, I won’t be posting any photos of myself or my significant other on craigslist, as that erodes what little sense of safety in anonymity craigslist actually provides (see also that “small state” comment from the beginning). That said, I know that pictures are helpful to bridge from emails or phone calls to the next actual meeting step, and I’ll be happy to send one along as soon as I hear from someone who seems like an interesting person (that I don’t already know). I am in my late 20s and he is in his early 30s, and neither of us are body builders but we are also not sacks of human waste with eyes, so that’s a plus.

Oh, and what we’d ideally be looking for is a woman, between the ages of 19-35, or maybe even a couple in that age range (male/female or female/female would be fine, male/male might be too many man-bits to for either my partner or I to deal with, sorry guys), who takes interest in or at the very least does not take exception to the following:

• Substance use (for the sake of legality I will say booze and cigarettes)
• Terrible B movies, and not-terrible movies centering around sci-fi, history, or abstract concepts
• Discussions about esoteric philosophy, science, computers & the internet, art, video games and comics
• Relatively obscure/eclectic music including but not limited to medieval Serbian folk music, The Fleet Foxes, of Montreal, Daft Punk, Guided By Voices, and the soundtrack from the Katamari games
• Keeping things completely and totally out of the commitment zone.

(By now anyone who really knows me has probably figured out who I am by the contents of this post, and if you – for whatever reason – want to talk to me about this by all means respond, or speak to me privately. Should I discover that my request has been aired in whispers all over the fruited plains I shall be very disappointed in humanity as a whole.)

If you are still interested after this confused diatribe and wish to contact my partner and I about this (flight of fancy I have decided to) post (without telling him) then please feel free to respond. I look forward to the kind of unique interest something like this can generate.

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As drinks go, especially mixed drinks, I’m a big fan of traditional over fruity or “umbrella” drinks (you know, the ones that turn you into a zombie? ha ha).

However, Mister Parker’s recent experiment with the recipe for a drink known as the Doctor Funk has proved to be an elixir of great potency. It is bitter and sweet, and it goes down dangerously smooth like an exceptionally minty limeade. This limeade like beverage could readily floor you though, so exercise caution.

The difference in this drink lies in the deviation from the recipe we found.

Our recent excursion to New York City afforded us an opportunity to skirt New Hampshire’s draconian attitude towards absinthe, allowing us to procure a bottle of Lucid, a French absinthe. I didn’t much care for it prepared in the traditional manner, the mouth-feel was oddly viscous and the bitterness threw my stomach for a loop.

The 151 (Bacardi if you’re curious) was purchased with the dubious excuse that we were going to make some tinctures. It has since diminished through somewhat standard consumption. If you can call a flaming shot consisting of Polish blackberry brandy and 151 “standard”.

There were also some proportion differences from the above-shown recipe, so for the sake of clarity, here is the mix for the Doctor Funkenstein:

Doctor Funkenstein

• 1/2 oz absinthe
• 1 oz 151 rum
• 1/4 oz lemon juice
• 1 lime
• 1/4 heaping teaspoon (tsp) of sugar (feel free to adjust for taste)
• 1/2 can (approximately 6 oz) of seltzer

Put all the ingredients into a shaker with a substantial handful of ice and shake it like you mean it. Pour it into a chimney glass, mason jar, or other favorite beverage conveyance device. Top off with seltzer. Garnish with fruit, herbs, or spite. Serve icy cold, and hold onto your hat.

The Doctor Funkenstein in all its glory, with some of the accouterments. Click for larger version.

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Rather than requesting anyone be truly creative, this meme asks you to gather three things, throw them through an image editor, and guffaw heartily at how oddly realistic they seem. Allow me to demonstrate:

Ronnie Schwartz - requisite to great undertakings

Kind of looks like something you’d find in the bargin bin, right? Well it is, in fact, a thrown together combination of stuff based on the following rules

1. Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random – The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. Click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 – The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. Visit http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ – The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result.

It’s not so much a meme as an image macro, but that’s ok. It could still be worth some amusement factor if you happen upon the right combination of stuff. Or it could be just the icebreaker needed to really jump start that next big musical project. Found this checking out one of the sponsors on the side there, Darkside Dreamland.

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Things have been difficult for the RKNet staff lately. Layoffs, drama, and general stress have contributed to some serious malaise (not to mention de-motivation, a critical factor in our recent lack of communiques). Now that the weather has officially decided to take a turn for the warmer, it finally feels like it’s safe to put away the winter and officially embrace the spring. In order to rally everyone together, celebrate our new paths in life, and enjoy the hell out of some sunshine, I’ve been putting together a picnic! The park here in downtown Dover (Henry Law Park, for those keeping score at home), is a nice little stretch of grass and pavillions down by the Cocheco river. It’s a central spot for most of us, and it’s a perfect location. Putting together events is admittedly not one of my strong suits, but at this point it’s safe to say that if I can do it, anybody can!

Tips:

Think ahead!

• Check the weather. I prefer wunderground for my weather reports, although it pays to check with your local news station, too. If you’re in a big hurry, you could always just check Umbrella Today.
• Scout your location ahead of time. If you’re having it at your house or someone else’s, make sure there’s room for everyone. Or, before you go rolling a keg into the middle of the town park, it might be a good idea to find out what that park allows.
• Let everybody know your plans as far out as possible. I’d recommend two weeks if you’re getting more than five people together. Bare minimum should be about a week, since most people should know if they have any seriously pressing engagements by that point.
• Phone them up! Even if you hate the phone like I do, be prepared to suck it up and make a few calls. More often than not it’s the fastest way to figure out what’s up.
• Harness the magic of the internet! Use all those social networks: Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter are good ways to tag people and establish a public invite list if you have friends that are active on those services. Email is great of course, but be prepared to do those follow up phone calls.
• Consider allergies. Chances are, if you’re friends with someone who has a major food allergy they’ve probably already mentioned it. If you’re up front with people about your menu ideas, they can help you keep everyone safe. Likewise, if a guest is a vegan or vegetarian, be prepared to work with them to balance out the menu.

Organize yourself

• Figure out who is paying for what early on. If you’re going to be Captain Generous and pay for the whole thing, then make it a point to figure out who’s coming. If you buy food for 20 and it’s really only 10 that means some serious leftovers, and a big food bill that you didn’t need to have.
• Make lists! Lots and lots of lists. Digital, paper, doesn’t matter. You’re going to at least want a list for who is coming, what you’re bringing, & what others are bringing. Don’t be afraid to just totally redo a list if it starts getting sloppy or confusing.
• Check your local store’s website or circular. Even if you end up hitting multiple stores, it could save you some serious cash in the long run.
• Make one shopping trip instead of several. Once you’ve got a handle on what and how many, do your main shopping run as close to the date as you can. This is one area where procrastination can be your friend.
• Identify early on if you’ve got a big food project. If you’ve promised to make enough of Mom’s Famous Potato Salad to feed a small army, then make sure you’ve really got the time and the resources to make it happen before you commit.
• Pack things up the night before. Put together all the stuff you’ll need as much as possible, so the next day you can just grab everything and go. I did all my shopping the day before, and made it a point to pack all the paper items and non-perishables away in the trunk. It’s one less thing to carry to the car and one less thing to forget when you’re getting ready to leave.

Don’t Stress!

• Get by with a little help from your friends. Remember, you started down this path because you thought it would be fun. If you start getting overwhelmed by putting the event together, then make some phone calls to see who can help you cook or prepare or contact people.
• K.I.S.S. This is a picnic, not a royal banquet. The goal is to get together with friends, have food, and enjoy life. You don’t have to do everything from scratch or cater to every taste.

Even if your plans do turn out to be a whole lot of work, it should be worth it! Getting together with your friends is often its own reward. Tomorrow I hope to take lots of pictures (if I’m not busy cooking up a storm) and I’ll be sure to share them.

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On top of a twelve mile tower of rock which grew from the plane of heaven to far above the clouds sat a man in a white plastic garden chair. He was an old man, and his hair had gone gray years ago. He was sitting watching the sun rise when the first visitor walked out of the elevator. The old man did not recognize this person as one of the regular visitors.

“Can I help you?” said the old man.
“Not really,” said the visitor. “Although I suppose you could tell me which side is best to jump from.”
“Do you really intend to jump?”
“Sure. Why not? This is heaven isn’t it? What reason is there that I shouldn’t be able to fly? People say this is the best place to learn,” said the visitor.
“I really don’t recommend jumping from here without a parachute.”
“Why? It won’t kill me.”
“No, it won’t kill you. It won’t do anything lasting damage either if that’s what you are going to ask next,” the old man was forced to admit.
“Then what reason is there that I should wear something as restrictive as parachute?”
“Oh, never mind. I am not going to be able to convince you. I have this conversation every time someone new arrives. The best side to jump from is next to where I am sitting.”

The visitor walked to the edge of the tower. He stretched his arms out as if he was a bird. He took a deep breath and then stopped.
“I won’t die,” he said.
“You won’t die,” said the old man. “Just jump already. There will be more people wanting to jump soon and you’ll hold them up if you dither.”

The visitor leapt out from the side of the tower and dropped towards the clouds. The old man leaned out over the side and shouted, “buy me some breakfast will you,” but the visitor had already fallen from earshot.

It was the middle of the day when the visitor arrived at the peak of the tower again. He looked shaken and shamed. He had brought a parachute up with him this time. The old man was eating a salad lunch that one of the regular fliers had brought him.
“You never told me that it would feel like death,” said the visitor.
“No. I only said that you wouldn’t die,” said the old man.
“Why didn’t you say?”
“I have tried. Honestly I have. But most people don’t listen, and they jump regardless of my warnings.”
“It was magical though. That feeling of weightlessness and the feeling of the air rushing past you. The sight of the tower passing by you at such a unbelievable speed. The sight of gliders flying on the horizon, circling on the winds was utterly magical,” said the visitor. “Can you teach me how to put this on? I want to learn how to fly.”

The old man stood up from his chair. “Of course I can.”
He started to put his own parachute on as well. “First you need to put it on like a backpack. Make sure all the straps are tight and firm. Then you need to do the same thing with the leg loops.”
The visitor started to put the parachute. “What do I do to use it? Do I pull a ripcord or something?”
“Yes, something like that. I’ll get to it,” said the old man, who looked over the visitor strapping themselves into the parachute. The old man found the pilot chute and gave it to the visitor.
“This bit is easy. You have in your hand the pilot chute. When you want to open the parachute throw that behind you,” said the old man.
“Is it that easy?” said the visitor.
“Not really. But you’ll pick it up.”

Just leaving the lift and walking towards the old man was Alyssa. She had a parachute already on. The old man waved her over.
“Hey Alyssa, can you just check over this parachute?” said the old man.
“Sure,” she said. Alyassa walked around the visitor examining them. “Looks good.”
“Then you are good to go,” said the old man. “Another person has taken the first steps in learning to fly.”

The visitor walked to the edge of the tower. “What I don’t understand,” said the visitor, “is why the pain when you hit the ground? Why can’t we just fly like angels?”
“Because without risk there is no reward,” said the old man.
The visitor started to count down from three until they jumped. The old man watched the visitor fall into the clouds.

“Are you going to jump today?” said Allyssa to the old man.
“Later, at sunset,” said the old man. “I have still got people to warn about the first jump, and people to teach how to fly.”
“Are you ever going to quit?”
“I don’t think so,” said the old man. “I enjoy the teaching as much as the flying.”
“Were you a flight instructor before you died?” said Allyssa.
“Sometimes I was. Mostly I inspected sewers in Coventry,” said the old man.
“Oh, who’d have thought?”
“You should jump soon if you want to get more than one jump done before dark,” said the old man.

Allyassa smiled and jumped from the tower. The old man took off his parachute and sat down. Just as he picked his plate up he saw someone he did not recognize come out of the elevator.
“Hello, can I help you?” he said.

The Tower of Heaven by VKlaus

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Stuff stuff stuff!

• Subscription to Hi-Fructose
  • It’s delicious just like the house of crepes I first read it in!
• Sewing machine?
  • I’m a little torn over this one because I’m not sure if I’d honestly do more sewing if I had a sewing machine.
• The World Ends With You
  • I’ve heard so many wonderful things, I just have to play it.
• Pretty much anything on my amazon wish list
  • Especially all the books! Delicious, delicious books.
• Kill Bill – Volume One
  • I lost my copy of Kill Bill Vol 1 a while back, and
• New Headphones
  • I just really don’t like the ones I’ve got, but I’m not really sure what I want.
• Strawberry everything!
  • Unyuu~

The best things in life aren’t things

• A clean house
  • nothing quite like a clean house, I’d like to get rid of a bunch of the crud I’ve hung onto for far too long
• The day off
  • totally got this one covered
• Do at least one thing I’ve been putting off
  • sew my pockets, send in the PS3 to get fixed, cancel old credit cards, etc
• Get help dying my hair
  • my roots are an absolute disgrace
• More blog posts
  • from myself and from… the team?

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DISCLAIMER: Not an advertisement for a child’s self tattoo kit. Sorry if there has been any misunderstanding.

Good evening kids, I come to you not as a young adult but as an old bastard. This previous Friday, the 10th of April, I have finally turned 21 years of age. Furthermore, and I survived. It went alright, had dinner with the family (prime rib and breaded scallops FTSLMFAJW = For The Samuel L. “Motherfuckin’ Action” Jackson Win. Gonna try and get that one out there,) went out drinking with a former coworker who has dreamed of getting me so drunk I’m yelling that the front door is locked while I stand in the living room shirtless. Alas this time was failed. Anyways, the next day I woke (sans hangover) and went along with the second phase of my birthday plans – to get a tattoo of my own design.

Now unlike many of my peers who get tattoos of stupid things for stupid reasons (”I got a star on my shoulder.” Why? “I like stars.” So do masochistic boxers.) I believe if the tattoo is meaningful and artistic it is warranted. I’m not hazing those who get them for the fuck of it but those that do, regardless of how cool it is, I can’t give you that much respect for getting it. Moving on, recently amidst my constant listening and dissection of the band Tool and A Perfect Circle I looked into chakras. Those who do not know what they are I will briefly tell you what they are. In the Hindu religion they believe there are seven chakras, seven points on the human body that run along the spinal chord that are “believed to be a center of activity that receives, assimilates, and expresses life force energy.” Each one harnesses a different energy and the symbols for these are represented by a circle with different numbers of petals (the base chakra starting with four and the crown chakra ending with 1000.) The biggest reference of chakras in Tool’s music is the transformation sequence in the music video for “Parabola” (view here,) where the character X has his chakras opened up to include the Ajna chakra, the third eye. And the biggest reference to that specific chakra would be obviously the track “Third Eye” off the album “Ænima”, which is a tribute to comedian Bill Hicks (who I am also a fan of.) After looking into chakras I became very fascinated with them and could consider to be a person who believes in their use. Because I found about them through Tool I figured it would be appropriate to not only get the Ajna chakra as a tattoo but design it as a tribute to the band as well as A Perfect Circle (in honesty, their incorporation was an aesthetic choice but I still appreciate them as much.) Like many great designs I just started doodling random shit at work, specifically eyes similar to that of the eye from Alex Grey’s painting “Net of Being” which was used as the cover to the album “10,000 Days” (view here.) Then it all tumbled together through the power of my imagination to develop into the design below.

Click here for a diagram of what the elements are

After getting it to how I wanted I felt a tremendous sense of pride in myself as an artist. I then went to a tattoo shop recommended to me by a friend, Hobo’s located in downtown Portsmouth, NH. I got a quote on it and two weeks later, the day after my birthday (the 11th) I manned up and went in with my design to get it placed on my inner left forearm. I couldn’t put it on my head where the chakra is actually located since I’d prefer not to look like a madman and I didn’t want to put it on the back of my neck because I want to see this (plus taking care of it would’ve been a pain.) Now I knew it was gonna hurt (”Really? A needle going 4000 mph into your flesh hurt? Fuck off,) but it wasn’t that bad. What kept me going through the pain (apart from clenching my first tight and locking my jaw) was the thought that eventually the pain is gonna stop and that when it’s all done it’s gonna look awesome. Which did help, even when the blood exited my pores like someone putting a paper towel on a soda spill. But after it was done it looked awesome. Granted it still has some healing to do but regardless I’m glad I got it and can understand why people are addicted to getting them. It’s the rush of trying to hold back the pain to somewhere in the back of your mind. Here are some photos I took on my webcam of my tattoo presently, I’ll take more once it’s done healing.

Side story of irony, after just leaving the tattoo shop I headed to Market Square and bumped into my friend who I didn’t get to see on my birthday. And at the same time I was fortunate enough to catch a show they were watching — four fundamentalist Christians dressed as Romans with one of them dressed as Jesus Christ carrying a large cross. Figured just got a tattoo of a Hindi-related tattoo, glad it’s covered otherwise I’d be a target. But one of the funniest things about the guy dressed as Jesus was the fact that A) he was white, B) his hair was short, and C) the cross he was dragging looked like it was made of either balsa wood or that crappy cardboard stuff you used to make a diorama of Mexico in third grade, even better it was on wheels. When I see my beaten and bloodied Jesus, I want him dragging half of a California Redwood on his back. How many people are you gonna convert if your Jesus is being a total pussy?

LINKS
Chakra Wiki entry
Ajna Wiki entry
Lateralus CD on Amazon
10,000 Days CD on Amazon
Alex Grey – Official site

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Technically I had way more interesting dreams over the weekend, and there was much more to the dream from which this exceprt is from, but dreaming a conversation with David Bowie, however cursory, is fucking sweet and I felt I should share.

I was walking through a corridor and came through a door to a mostly darkened outdoor walkway, similar in description to the kind at a first floor motel. Sidewalk, roof from the balcony above, intermittant lights, open on the left side with supporting columns, and doors every so often in the wall to the right.

A man was slowly shifting his way down this walkway, reading as he went. I recognized him as David Bowie (circa The Hunger, I’d say – which I watched for the first time fairly recently). The book he was reading – despite the fact that it was honestly too dark to read – was something by Hermann Hesse. I started to press on, going through a metal door with a large window, but doubled back, jittery and excited and embarassed.

“What book is that?” He told me (I don’t remember now). “Mm.. Hesse is great, I loved Siddhartha,” I stammered as quickly as I could, “but I never did get through Steppenwolf.” The nerves were jangling for sure! This was David fucking Bowie I was admitting my literary ignorance to after all! The conversation went on a little further, then I think I woke up briefly.

I guess it isn’t necessarily that exciting in the description, but it was so vivid that I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot when I woke up. Maybe I should take this as a sign to listen to Ziggy Stardust and try to finish Steppenwolf? Or maybe take a crack at Magister Ludi (which is what I THINK he might have been reading).

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